Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - S13 EP7: The one where Rob gets a speeding ticket in Germany

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... Rob has driven all the way back from Germany with the family after a trip to Europa Park. Josh tries to record the podcast while kids in the house play with whistles and bells. **Please excuse the section in the middle with poor video quality on Rob's feed - there were some extreme tech issues with the episode** ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, you're listening to Parents in Hell with... Bella, can you say Rob? Yep. Beckett. And can you say Josh? Yep. Widdickum. Good gal.

There we go, Rob. That's good. Efficient, in and out, boss. Hello, sexy and relatable legends. I don't like inefficient. Here's a clip of my adorable. Don't like... Pardon?

Hang on, sorry, sorry. You don't like inefficient? No, I'm unprofessional. I'm unprofessional. Well, yeah, well, I'd say... No, I'm not unprofessional. I'm disorganized. You're disorganized.

But then that disorganization leads to inefficiency. Yeah, what I don't like, I suppose. Because at the moment, Josh, you're currently in a room where the door doesn't shut. Yeah. And it's quite echoy and we can hear your children playing. And... Yeah, but... I'd say that isn't an efficient podcasting space.

No, but I suppose the other argument is, I've given up an hour of my holiday to keep us on track, which is a pretty, whereas other people wouldn't have done that. So that's quite an efficient thing to do. Or quite noble, quite noble of you. Noble, yeah, yeah. Well, no, not noble. I'd say it's the least you'd expect to three people,

you know, running one of the biggest podcasts in Europe is to be able to give up an hour of their holiday. Yeah, now the holiday, yeah. But we're here now. Why do we always say in Europe, it feels weird. Let's just say it. Because there's much bigger podcasts than the rest of the world. No, let's say it in the world excluding America.

Let's take, I don't reckon that there's many bigger. What is it, EMEA? Europe, Middle East. Because when I do award ceremonies, it always says like the vice president of EMEA. And I'm like, what the fuck's that? But I think it's called Europe, Middle East. And Asia.

EMEA. It's Africa at the last day. It's Africa. Oh, is it? Okay, so we're the biggest podcast in Europe, the Middle East, Africa. I don't know. Michael, is there any bigger podcasts in Qatar?

The biggest comedy, comedy entertainment podcast. Oh, it's getting, no, let's stop. It's just getting worse. But hosted by two men and talk about their kids, this is pathetic. Well, I'd say hosted by two men doesn't narrow it down. It doesn't exclude many podcasts. They say what you all about men. They know their way around a fucking podcast.

So, I don't more women do podcasts, because it might be it. Marina's beating us, isn't she? Presumably, Michael. Let's not talk about competition. Who's Marina? Marina Hyde. What is that noise? What is that noise?

That's insane. Oh, that's a child with a whistle. That, right. I'm pretty relaxed for a kid with a whistle is where I draw the line. Okay, we'll stop now. I can't put up with a kid with a whistle just normally. In my house, never mind playing. Well, that's because I'm more chilled out, aren't I, these days, Rob.

Is it not an argument that you get the whistle now? No, I don't think it'll be used again. I can't see it being used again. What, by a five-year-old, surely it'll be used again. I think it's judging by this power of the whistle that was a two-year-old. I want to say, you've got other kids in the house. Oh, they're using it again. Oh, yeah, there's loads of people here.

Right, okay. So is it worth getting rid of the whistle, or? Let's see if it goes again. Okay, something's good to... that's a bell. That's a bell. You've got a percussion class. I'm going to get a bell.

And the whistle. I've still got my headphones in, so I can hear what you say. Yeah, no, I don't know. If they've got an air horn, maybe grab that as well. Well, Vuvuzhaela. If there's any Vuvuzailas. I can feel your stress coming through.

I'm a pretty relaxed guy. But a whistle. in a room that's out of the door that shuts. Yeah. He's going to have to go and be the bad guy.

I'd say, though, if I was staying in Josh Wilcom's house as a friend and he had to do a podcast for an hour, I'd go, right, let me take the kids up and bark.

Fucking, here it comes. There we go. Good chance to get my tea, actually. I left it out of hand. Look, Rob, it's all grammable content. Especially after your hatred

of inefficiency. My hatred of inefficiency. We still haven't read this email out because we're so inefficient. So there are still people and kids talking about what's the plan? Okay, I like this. Listen to this.

I like it when Josh is assertive. Can we shut that door? Thank you. He's too polite. I'd go, look. I think you're so polite and chill, Josh. Yeah. I'd go, look, the hallways

are fucking disgrace of a place to play. Get in the garden now. They weren't playing. They were leading a one-year-old down the stairs, so it's difficult to go. Oh, right. Okay. Can you, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you fucking pick up the kid? Except it can't walk yet and get out my way. I'm about to broadcast. I'm about to broadcast to the nation. And by the nation, I mean, England, Qatar, and Chad. Huge and Chad. We're huge in Chad.

Let's do. Here is a clip of my adorable two-year-old Bella attempting to say your name. She hasn't fully got the hang of syllables yet, but she's doing great with simple words. Keep being great. Lots of love, Shez from Dunstable, Bedfordshire. That's what my mum says about me. How are you?

I'm good. I drove back from Germany yesterday. Oh, yeah. How was Germany? Well, it's good. Very hot. We went on the auto. Did you go on the road trip, didn't we?

So I'm back in London slash Kent. Your, well, way on holiday in your back soon. So how was Germany? Germany was good. That was a heat wave. It was 36 degrees, Josh, in a theme park. Of course you're into a theme park. Fucking hell, you can find a theme park anywhere.

If you drop the Beckett's on the moon, you'd find a fucking theme park. If you drop the Beckett's in the middle of the fucking, you know, Sahara Desert, where we're huge as a podcast. Yeah, right in the slap back in the middle of Chad. Yeah. Then you would find a theme park. You can't, you can't escape a theme park. You're not even into theme park.

Check what? I would do. I would Google theme park in Chad. Why not? Why not a theme park in Chad? Probably be cooler than it was in Germany. No, there isn't actually. Yeah, that's why Lou's not got it on our list. No. There we go. No theme park in Chad. But they do have elephants. They do have elephants. Yeah. Go and slide down the trunk, mate. Does that count as a ride? It depends what you do with him. Do you know what? If I was in Germany and it was a heat wave and someone said, should we go to a theme park? Yeah. I might punch some. Yeah, I know, but you don't like the heat or theme parks, do you? Let me try and work out what's good.

Rob, Rob. I'll let you into a little secret. Go on. Neither do you. No, I do. I don't like 36 degrees. Also, Josh, it was so... Yeah, go.

I'll sweat. I'll talk about what we did, but this, I've got to tell you this, right? I get people get B.O., right? And when it's hot and you're at a theme park, you're sweating a lot, you get B.O. I think I experienced the most intense B.O. of every experience in my life. I walked past a man in the queue, right? And he went to the front of a runaway train to sit down with his family. He stunker Bia.

And I was like, that's lively. I sat at the back of the train. As the roller coaster went down, I could smell him. Oh, my gosh. It traveled through the air, through the train to the back seat where I could smell the man. It traveled. It just stayed, didn't it? It stayed.

It hung in the air. It was like Michael George. and just hung there, jump man. And I caught it on the back row. Oh, my word. But no, so we went to, we had a little family holiday. We left on Friday morning last week. We drove to La Shuttle in Foxton.

Yeah. Got on a train that took half an hour to get to France, which is mental. So good, isn't it? Great. And then we love the Euro star. I had a shit on the train, and the other people we were with thought that was insane. Why do they think that? Well, it was horrible toilets. You're only on it half an hour and I was on a train going under water and I had a ship. I was desperate.

I think that's fine. I think it's fine. Josh Pew did a very, Josh Pew's so funny. Yeah. I think he's, I think Josh Pew is one of the great chroniclers of modern British life. There you go. I'm going to say it. Okay. And how's this right to me? Oh, someone's what are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, hello. As a child here. I'd say your, is that one of your children? Yeah. Very different energy to you. he burst straight in, door wide open, bowled in, picked something up. Well, he is five. Didn't even look at it and then walked out at the door open stuff.

Five-year-old is very unlikely to go, excuse me, could I just, I know you're doing a podcast, but can I just grab your phone because I want to look at Lego on it? My pen pal in Senegal's been talking about it. Yeah. What did he get? What did he grab? My phone, because he's obsessed with looking at, different Lego sets on the Lego website.

Oh, so go and get Dad's phone for the Lego, fair enough. Yeah. So, um, what did Josh Pew? Josh, he did a video of men on holiday. Um, and it was just a guy trying to involve people in a talk about whether they'd had a shit yet on holiday. Well, it does. It impacts you differently at times. It's just, he's the great chronicle of modern life.

It's observations on what, what people do are just up there with Alan Bennett. and rock back it. Wow. What a compliment to Alan Bennett and Josh Pugh. Yeah. Anyway, so, but it coincided with my normal go time, which I'm pretty regular with, and it was on the train.

I thought I've got half out of kill while I'm not trying to. I've got a long drive. I find people that have a normal go time, absolutely wild. Really? What are you going then? Just when the mood takes, oh, I had another one of my...

The mood takes you? That's no way to live. No wonder you're stressed. You could have a shit at any moment. Well, no, I'm able to hold it. Every morning after I've had a coffee, sort of about eight-ish, I'm banging one out. Well, I don't drink coffee.

Right, it's the decath. So you're just, you're sort of right here. I had one. Rob, I had another one of my. You're like a free-flowing midfield. You're Stephen Manerman. You can deposit anywhere. Rob, enjoy it on this pod.

There'll be no more football chat on this pod coming soon. It's going to be banned. Sorry, Go ahead. So what should say about your toilet time? I had another one of my jogging and then needed a shit situation the other day. Awful. It's just terrible. I can't live.

I'd rather have a regular pool on a train than just be running. I don't have a problem with you going on a train. I'm surprised you didn't. As far as the law of averages, you haven't been on a roller coaster, to be honest. You spent so much time on that. I nearly did on the first one. I'll tell you about that, don't you? Anyway.

Where were you? You were on the Euro star? No, you were running and having a shit. I want to talk about this. Oh no, I was just saying that as an aside. I was on a cliff top in Cornwall, running along a coastal path, and I thought,

this timing's not ideal. I'm a good mile and a half, two miles from home. And what did you do? I just lost a lot of pace because you can't go at top, you can't spread your legs and... But you didn't just find a bush?

No. No. I don't think I'd ever shit in a bush, whatever the situation. Oh, yeah. You have to do some of us. I think I'd... No, I think I'd,

rather just shit myself than... Shit in a bird. Because at least then you're the victim, but if you go in a bush, that's your own decision. You can't shoot yourself, not with a panty where there's too much. There's no,

there's no, like, you can in a pair of like tight boxes because at least it secures it. Yours is all over. It's like, yeah, this is disgusting. So anyway, what are we talking about? Yeah, on the Euro start.

And then we, um, no, we weren't the Euro story. It's something called something else. I don't know what it's called. Whatever is. The shuttle. The tunnel. You do a tunnel.

Then we drove to Reims, Rems. Yeah. Have they got a thing park that you could pop into? No, it's the champagne region. So he went on a champagne tour. Did the kids enjoy that? Do you know what they actually did? Because that one,

because basically all the different champagne houses have a little place where you can buy it and sit there and drink. So we went Verve Clico, which is quite a pretty little garden, some drinks. Then we tried to walk to Tattinger, but it was 32 degrees. The kids weren't in the right foot where they had a meltdown. At one point, also my daughter had put on like a jump

thing, which was lovely and flowing. Stiletto. Crocs. Crocs. But no socks and crocs, which is not ideal for walking. You needed black trainers. And she was in like this body suit, but it was lovely, but way to be too hot. She needed shorts and a t-shirt or a vest or something.

So in the end, she was like, I'm too hot. We went past the shop. My mate went, Michelle shorts in there. We go in there. This man didn't speak a word of English. And then we started picking up shorts. And then we slowly realized it's basically a triathlon. shop selling like high end a hundred euros shorts for people that are competing in cycling swimming

and running not really the ideal short wear for a 10 year old girl was too up but then i'm sort of in their commitment she's like these ones are like that one and like he's holding up like sizing and like i'm not buying a pair of microcycling shorts so abandoned that they get too up but we went to the pomery and the pomery is like louis i think she's called louise actually she's She, it was started by two kids. Your wife? No, it won't Lou. I think she's called Louise, this woman that keeps coming on holiday with me.

She's always there making me go on rides. No, but she basically was a female trailblazer in champagne. And where they've got in this. It still sounds like the same Louise. They built these, this like seller for all the, to keep the champagne, which is really cool. So the kids were sweating and red art and like. Oh, nice. like sweating out, we get down these steps where you go to this really cut up.

It's like the guide's got a coat on. It's 35 degrees outside. I'm like, why has a guy got a coat? And I'm dying a heater. We start walking down the stairs. And then I just say to Lou, I was like, they're going to complain about being cold in a minute. We've been crying because of the heat. As soon as we get to the bottom one goes, I'm cold.

But basically, because it's a bit dark and scary, this Louise Pomerie, she bought loads of art and it's like an art gallery down there because you wanted to make it less scary for visitors and people work in there. So it's all like art installations that are really cool and you also get a tour of how champagne's made and all that. So it's actually quite interesting. And it's quite a good one for kids because the other ones are more adults. This one was good for kids. So it's quite a good stop off on the way down. So we did that. So that was about two and a half hours, three hours, stayed there in the night, then it was another three, three and a half hours to Germany. And we stayed at a place called Europa Park.

So, you know, I did that, I don't know if you did that film where I played a parrot, the Grand Prix of Europe. Can I be honest? No one. I don't know whether this is a prank. I don't know whether you're taking the piss. No, no. So, I actually feel a bit offended because I'm across your art and your output.

Yeah. And you're not really, I know you're doing strictly. And you're telling me you don't know. I played a parrot commentator of the Grand Prix of Europe film that hits cinema. I had an embarrassing moment with not people in Strictly yesterday. Go on, what happened? So I was talking to a workman, right?

So what was you doing strictly yesterday? Like working on Strictly. No, and he was like, I tell you what we're on. You've got a workman in Cornwall as well again? We're having, there's, the village has Christmas lights up. Right. Yeah, the whole village. So I was like, I want to be involved in that.

Yeah. A bit of fun, isn't it? I want to be involved in that. They came around to put the Christmas lights up. So they can put Christmas lights up. To measure up, you know, to go. Right. So that your house is going.

Yeah, because I want to be involved. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Of course you do. You love the attention. Because he said, I were putting them up on December, the first Saturday of December or whatever. Yeah.

And he said, I said, oh, I can't do Saturdays and because I'm working. Hang on. Can't do Saturdays as if you're going to be there on the ladder. Like surely you go, he said, oh, do you want to come down on, you know, be a part of... Got you. Got you. Fair enough. I stand corrected. Jumped all over you there, they didn't I? No, that's fine. It's fine. That's what this podcast is. That's why we're so big in Algeria. But let's not forget Bahrain. Let's not forget Bahrain. I think we're really hammering the A of the EMEA. Let's not forget the M.E.

No, Bahrain's M.E, isn't it? Yeah, but you said Algeria, which is A. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong, I love Africa. I visited. Let's not forget M.E. Let's not forget M.E. Thank you.

No, so I said, I'm working. I can't do Saturday. That's Saturday. And then he asked again, and I was like, oh, no, I can't do Saturdays because I'm doing strictly. And he went, oh, yeah, but you'll probably be out by then, won't you? Well, unless he knows you're the host and he's not very confident. So you know what I've, I had a realization the other day when I was, I was worried about something and it's quite small. I just realise every problem that I have, someone else has had that problem and solved it.

Exactly. Every problem that's ever been has been solved by at some way. So, so for example, going from small things to big things, right? So we're not driving back through Europe. Or they haven't solved it or they've just had to deal with. Most things are like, most day-to-day problems, if something's happened, there's a way around. Medical ones, can we, yeah, yeah. Well, no, you're going too deep on this, minutia.

Oh, okay, sorry. What I'm saying is, day-to-day things, oh, I've got this coming up, I've got that, or like a big work event that you're worried about, you're out of your death. Yeah. Everyone's felt that or gone through that at some point through history, and there's been some sort of resolution where they've ever solved it, or it's passed and it's been fine. Yeah.

And I find that if I slow down, I'll find that solution quicker than I will if my brain goes into overdrive. So sometimes my brain goes, right, let me solve it, solve it, solve it. When actually go, no, shut up a bit. Just go quiet. Just go empty. Yeah. Because the slower you are, the easier it is to solve that problem. Yeah.

So, for example, driving back from Europe, loads, you know, you get the old, the bugs on the screens. Yeah. Yeah. It's really annoying. It couldn't really see it. And the wind screen mark, it's what really doing it. I got the autobahn. Yeah, and I was so in my head, I should have, I should have brought something to wipe that with,

and I should, you know, and started actually beating myself up over it because I've not prepared or whatever. And then I got to the petro's eight, and I was just relax, I stopped breathing. I got to the petro stage and put the petro in. And I saw it as a bucket with a squeezy mop thing, like a window cleaning thing. I was like, of course that's there. Because every single person that's done this drive has had that problem and there's a solution. God provides. God or ESO provides. Well, no, just other people that have solved it at some point.

recently and gone, you know, well, it would be quite only to have that because most people have got a dirty windscreen. Rather than me, beat myself off

in my own head for not being prepared enough. Not doing that. What's that? Well, other than you beat yourself off in your own head? Well, no, beat myself up,

not beat myself off in that and head. Michael, you heard it, didn't you? Well, apparently you said apology really weird and got through the cracks, which, I don't know, did you hear that, Michael, when you edited? He owes an apollo.

He was doing a callback to an earlier mispronunciation. It was quite a phoalogy. joke but I missed it sorry so we lost the earlier joke

no no they were both there I think there was just a bit of a gap and in the room it wasn't ignored I didn't pick up on your great joke

oh I need to apologize for that story of my bloody life I know but don't beat yourself off of it this episode is brought

to by Tesco Mobile Josh how are you with a kid's slang oh mate I try I'll be honest I try but they might as well be speaking a different language.

I don't know what she ate means and I do worry about it. And when you hear something like, oh, we cooked? Well, I presume, you know, was it on an induction hop? That's what I'm thinking. We can't be alone though, Josh. Loads of parents out there feel like they can't understand half of the words their kids use. The thing is, that can also mean a lot of us don't always understand what's going on in our kids' online lives. Exactly.

It might not always feel easy, but sitting down with the kids and asking them, what something like RIS means can open up important conversations about their online lives, Rob. Those chats help us keep up as parents, which helps us keep them safe online. So if you're feeling stuck about having the online safety chat, visit the Tesco Mobile Online Safety Hub, where they have plenty of tips and resources for keeping you and your family safe online. Whether life serves you an ace or an unexpected backhand, the high-protein yogurt, Oikos Pro, is there to feed your strength and help you turn every challenge into a smash. Oikos Pro helps build strong muscles

and support muscle recovery with high protein and contains no added sugar because true strength isn't about being able to take the hits it's about being able to bounce back Oikos Pro Feed Your Strength Visit Oikos.Ca for more details So the para, I played a parrot in that film didn't know about the film was based on the Europa Park

which is a big one of the biggest theme parks in Europe Europe and I went, I didn't realize it was there, looked into it, found that it's got loads of good rides, loads of good feaming, because the people that own that park make roller coasters for all around the world. So they'd done like the slinky dog in Orlando. They'd done Hyperia at Fort Park. Anyway, you might as well be talking other language. Okay, cool. So anyway, we went there and it was really good. So it's quite a fun trip to go down there, loads of good rides. Can I just fact check something? Yeah, go on. You said you looked into it

You found out there was good rides Yeah Was it you that organised this? Yes So what happened was When I did the film That you love And you've watched

And you've played the Nintendo Switch game I Yeah And it's available on PS5 And Xbox No biggie Whatever

So it's just You know It's just a film star guy Doing doing Do you get to voice The computer game No I actually didn't

Think about that But yeah no I didn't Unless they took it, I've not played it. I don't do the voice in Germany, though. I did just do the English voice. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So my German's not quite...

I wish you had done the voice in the German. Quite good enough. So they told me about this park. I looked into it, and this is basically, I emailed, and I emailed the guy who produced film and said, we're going to come down and stuff. And they, to be fair, they, I said, can I come down and how, I couldn't understand the website

because it's mainly based at Germans and French, because there wasn't one English person there. I saw one English family in four days. Yeah. And it was really chilled. There was a mirror. It was a mirror. So it was just full, and I thought the rides were going to be really good,

but the theme is really good as well. So if you like that kind of thing, you want to travel around, I would massively recommend it. It's got loads of good stuff for little kids and big roller coasters as well. So we went there and we stayed there. And I emailed them and they went, and to be fair, I was going to pay for it anyway, but they said, we can host you and give you some tickets.

Here we go. Love it. If you do a social media post. So there's a video of me on a roller coaster coming out. But I did really enjoy it either way. So I'm not, I just want to be honest that they swept me out some tickets. But the good thing is, the longest you have to wait for a ride is about 40 minutes. It's still a long time, isn't it, 40 minutes?

It's almost, if England were 1-0 up and you said, we've got a hold on 40 minutes, you go, we're fucked. Well, that's what we did, isn't it? Well, once. Second time out. But, Josh, if you haven't got fast-passes, if you go to somewhere like America, sometimes two and a half half hour, two hours. I know, it blows my mind, Rob. Do your kids, are you going to do theme parts of your kids?

Are you just going to try and swerve it? It's just not interested it. I'm not trying to swerve it. They just never asked. They're just not. If they really wanted to, how would you approach it, do you think? Would you just try and get it over and done with, or would you try and lean into enjoying it? No, I do.

I mean, I do lots of things with my kids that I wouldn't do normally. So. Like what? I wouldn't go to horse riding normally, but I really enjoy that. Yeah, but you're not doing it. You're just watching to do it. No.

Oh, I'd be happily going on the rides. I always go on the rides when I go to theme parks. I thought you didn't like theme parks. I don't, but when I've been to theme parks, I'm not a ride dodger. And you do the big one. I saw you do the big one, I saw you do the big one.

I'd already done the big one, actually. I've done the big one twice. The big two. Stan corrected. but yeah but I would anyway a massive recommend the Euro Park's really good how far was your drive

and how did you keep the excitement going to be fair the kids well they don't normally have iPads in the car so I bought a little loop board it actually little like metal plastic thing that connects to the headrest and then you can open it and put the iPad in screen

yeah they just watched that nonstop like because they just they were good as gold because a bit older but on the drive back we drove straight from Germany left at 7.30 in the morning. And it was six and a half hours to Calais. We did three piss stops.

Then it was the tunnel. Are you showering the driving? No, I did all of it. Lou offered. But I, by the time I got to focus it, I was like, no, I want to do this. And I was so tired last night. It was a mess.

Oh, my God. Rob. It was absolutely. So it was six and a, or seven hours with stops. And then we had to hang around waiting for the trail. Then another hour.

So eight hours of driving, about 10 hours in time. from start to finish. Oh my word. Fair play, Rob. And I slept for nine hours last night. Also, I always get, I got, do you know what I'm saying? Of all these things you can do, like mindfulness, breathing or, you know, all these things people try and do to calm down their anxiety or stress.

Beat yourself off in your mind. Be yourself off in your mind, going 80 down the auto barn. Oh, this is annoying. Right. So in France, it's like 80 miles an hour, 130 kilometers an hour, is the speed limit. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm doing that.

So Germany, do what you want on the motorways. Anyway, I come off because there's an accident, so we have to go through these little villages, these mad little German villages, right? Driving along. I'm doing 22 kilometres an hour, which is fucking... 15 miles an hour. Yeah.

This weird metal pole. Flashes me. You're what, sorry? I get flash... No, no, I wouldn't talk about a Polish man in a suit of armour. It's like weird metal pole flashes me I'm like what the fuck And I look

It's a 20 mile an hour limit I'm doing 20, it's a 20 kilometre An hour limit I'm doing 22 I've just done 100 on the auto barn Yeah of course I've got a ticket

I've got a ticket for going one miles Oh mate And how does that work with a ticket in Germany Well I think you get sent here And no points but you get fined Nils Poir Classic bit of Nile Poir from the Europeans. But that annoyed me because I was like, I've done all this driving.

Yeah. Oh, German Dodgums, by the way. We're one of these dodgms, yeah. So if you're going on dodgms, right, with kids, and you're on your own car and your eight-year-old, seven-year-olds going around, talk me through. How are you dealing with that? I don't enjoy, John.

Enjoy doddums. No. I don't enjoy dodgums. I think they're unpleasant. But it's the lack of control. And I approach Dodgams in a, we all kind of go clockwise here. Yeah. I try to, I'm constantly.

And there's always an absolute wanker that's like trying to try to get you. Yeah. Have you ever? Go on. Sorry. I, where you like fall into sync with someone and you just keep hitting them. And then it's like, you know what I mean? Like, you know,

you fall in sync with someone and you go to the toilet at the same time as them in the pub, I think Peter Kay's got a routine about that. A break in the seal was a big topic of conversation in my drinking days. People would be proud that they haven't broken the seal, just have a massive belly of piss. Yeah, I don't know what the advantage of that was

because you just sit there needing a piss. No, but I think if you, if you went, I would like to know the science on this because I think that... I don't think it's a real thing. As soon as you go, you'll need to do more, whereas if you're holding it, you can just do one big piss. Yeah, but what I always found blew my mind is, right?

So the theory is if you go, then you're going to need a piss again, yeah? Yeah. But if you don't go, you still need a piss. Yeah, but you'd only keep getting up. You'd rather sit down, needing a piss and constantly going to him from the toilet. I'd rather not need a piss. Yeah, but I think this was from when we used to drinking Weatherspoons and the toilets are always three miles away.

Right, right, right, right. Maybe that was what it was. I don't know. Maybe my friends weren't good enough conversation. I'd quite happily have just gone to the toilets and had a piss. Michael, can you look up at the science of this? I think it was, yeah, I'd like to come back to that. I always thought I don't think this is a real thing, this break in the seal thing.

Also, you know me, Rob, I quite like a break from socialising, so the piss was quite a joy. A little bit of moment to yourself. Yeah, and that was in the days. Did you ever go in the Weatherspoons where they'd have the newspaper framed above the urinal? In the exit of Weathers, it would have a frame. Of today's newspaper? of today's newspaper, front page, and back page above the urinal.

So it's quite pleasant, actually, yeah. So at least two visits you'll get front and back. Yeah. Do you want the science? I don't believe that's science, Michael, hit me. Breaking the seal is a myth. There is no physical valve or barrier in your body that opens when you first pee. Instead, the urge to use the bathroom more often as the night goes on happens

because alcohol stops your brain from making vasopressin a hormone that tells your kidneys to save water. Oh, so you just keep it keeps going. So you're not breaking serious, basically. Eventually your brain will stop producing that and you just piss all the time. There's something about drinking 10 pints that makes you want to go to the toilet all the time, it turns out. It's mental, isn't it? I'll have a couple of beers now, but the 10 pint, I went out of 15 points one night.

That's like insane. When I went to Paris with you, Rob and Tom, you had quite a boozy night first night. I was quite impressed. I was living vicariously. through you. Well, yeah, and that is one of the problems with the Robin Ramesh shoots is it's all quite stressful and high pressure stuff that you have to do at points with like learning a new skill, feeling quite vulnerable, wearing a stupid outfit and then a big event at the end that you're, you know, this can be quite humiliating. I definitely drink more on those shoots than I do in my

normal life. A bit like, it's like the crazy gang. Yeah. Wimbledon in the 90s. Exactly. Anyway, we'll talk about Dodgums, because, anyway, dodgums, I'm evasive, I'll try and swerve out the way of people because I don't want to bump into it and I don't want to accidentally hit a kid.

So if a kid comes towards me, I'll try and I'm almost playing cat and mouse and I'm running away. Because this woman, 40-year-old German woman, just aiming at my children and all children. Not even the adult, just like full pelt,

full steam ahead. I know. You always get that. Is that just a German thing? I've never experienced that in the UK. No. get it in the UK. You get these absolute nobads that think the point of the Dodgers is to, like, hit into it.

Give people whiplash. It is. Do you know what I mean? Arguably, we're, I hate set a couple of fucking pussies. Do you know what? I'm a big pus-puss. What could I say? Do you know what?

I'm quite, I hate the dodrums. It hurts. It kind of, you get whacked around. It go, the feet, I'm just halfway through, I'm thinking, this is that's grand. this someone stop this now this is unpleasant what the podcast no the dodrums dogrums all right okay I think you've gone into a tangent about this this is an after end I um oh this is funny so the kids went to a bit of a summer camping and made friends these they both made friends with this kid or two separate kids and then

they were like oh can have a play date of them can I have a play date of them yeah no worries and then like in a bit of the pickup I was like all show me them and then I'm at a hundred through the crowd to find the kid and then the parent. Because obviously, my kids don't know what the kids' parents look like. So you're trying to find the kid, then go, oh, is that your mum or daughter? Anyway, so the kids' friends, that they made friends with, have both got the same name.

They're not sibling. Obviously not simple. But like, they've both got to say. So I'm not going to say a name since it's not fair, but like they've made a friend called Josh. Yeah, yeah. No, Josh. What I like is our out-of-the-box thinking

is that we both needed a name. I've both looked at the face in front of us. Pathetic. Shit broadcasting. Shit broadcasting. I've got these two kids. They're both called Shania. Yeah.

So I've gone up and said, oh, I think they've made friends that's to a play date at some point. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we swap numbers, right? So now I've got, in my phone, Shania's mom, Shania's mom. Yeah, of course. So I don't know which kids come up.

If I organize a play date, I don't know which kids, friends are which. Have you tried? This is the first option. The WhatsApp picture. Yeah, but it's obviously of the mum, not the kid. Well, a lot of people have their WhatsApp have their kids as their WhatsApp picture, don't they?

Yeah, but I've only got one number. I think I gave a number. Oh, right. I mean, if you are listening and our kids got on at that camp, please text me to remind me so I can sort it out. Yeah, yeah. So today we're talking about our school days. Do you still remember those, Josh?

Professionally, Rob, how I make most of my money being nostalgic about those days. You're the king of nostalgia. Talk me through Josh Whitacombe, Schoolgate's shoes. I was a follower. I was not a leader, Rob. I was a follower. What's everyone else wearing?

Let's get that. Let's take this variable out of circulation. Let's not make this a point of difference. Done. I've fitted in. Yeah, I want shoes that show my personality. And my personality is stay under the radar. Exactly.

My personality is everyone else's agreed personality. Thank you very much. Are you the opposite, Rob, are you the same? I definitely wasn't a sort of leader in fashion in the school. I would sort of go with what most of the other kids had. So I certainly wasn't pushing the needle on shoe fashion. Yes, yes. Do you remember what it's like when you've made a fashion change, Rob?

Yeah. So you've got a new pair of shoes, you've got a new coat, even got a new haircut. That feeling of going in, oh, my, oh, mama. There's so many issues with the uniform. If there's one thing on you that you like, like the shoes, it can help. How were you, how were you, Rob, with uniform? Did you adapt your uniform? I definitely bought shoes with a rounded toe so I could play four.

football in them at lunch. Oh yeah. You don't want the sort of square boot because you can't curl the ball. Yeah, yeah. You can't put any swaz on it. It's just, yeah, just hoping for the best at that point. So I definitely get a shoe that I could wear for football,

which my mum got the hump with. We weren't allowed our shirts untucked, but we'd have them as loosely tucked as we could. And then fully untucked on the walk home. Oh, the moment we got on the school bus, I'm untucking this, baby. There was a lot of people trying to wear black trainers as shoes was a thing at my school.

Yeah. You weren't getting away with that at South Dartmoor Community College in the mid-90s. I can tell you that. They would come down on you like a ton of bricks for that. One thing I know about shoes, Josh. Yeah.

Specifically school shoes. If your kids likes the school shoes, it removes one argument in the morning. That is priceless, Rob. Because otherwise, it's a constant argument. Oh, can I wear my trainers today? Or can I wear those ones or these? Exactly.

It's got to get the kids on board with the shoes because if they're not, you do not need an argument about shoes not fitting or being uncomfortable or annoying. Yeah. They've got to love them. They want to be going, I'm looking forward to putting these shoes on because it makes my feet sing, Rob. Best shoe you've ever put on your foot. Oh. I know mine.

Go on. My wedding shoe. Oh, yeah. Because it helped me take steps to the greatest part of my life. Wow. That is deep. Do you know what else is deep, Rob? The selection of shoe.

The range they have is incredibly deep. Oh, so deep. Look, Rob, life probably would have been different for us if we'd have done shoe kids. I think we can both agree with that. It's the place for school shoes that lets kids express who they are, feeling they can stand tall in their shoes which builds confidence for kids. Plus, a pair of shoes they actually want to put on for once makes morning school runs so much easier for parents. Find the perfect pair online or visit in store for a fitting with staff who are pros in the right fit found fast.

Oh, have you ever experienced this, Josh? Right, I got, so when was in France, yeah, at the buffet? Yeah, in buffet. Scramble eggs, but buffet, they're disgusting. I can't do scrambled eggs from a buffet. I'll do fried ones if you sort of, but I'll wait for a new slot to be put down on the, on the platter. Can't do scrambled eggs at a buffet. Just, it always have come out of a packet and just been mixed with water or something.

Yeah. I'm a boiled egg guy. You know where you are of a boiled egg. Because you don't know what oil they're doing the other shit in, you don't know how long it's been out. The boiled egg is protected by its own natural case. I don't like eggs. What took me through your egg. You don't like eggs?

Where do you get your protein, mate? No wonder you're always on your fucking ass. You don't eat eggs? What do you like? I don't like the way they move. I don't like the way they move. I've tried. They move.

I don't really like the smell of eggs. Yeah, I mean, the smell I'll give you. But then the way they move, each egg moves differently. you'll tell me a bald egg the same way as opposed The springiness of an egg I don't like The springing

It's not the smell is it It's the texture It's the texture But then the smell is rancid I often think I wish I liked eggs So you don't eat an egg at a buffet You won't have an egg at a buffet No but if I did it would be boiled

I'd probably go Run in the middle Five minute egg Six minute egg Summer holidays Busy This hotel's busy This hotel's busy yeah

There is a system where you've got to bore your own egg, five slots. Five slots in a what? So in this weird sort of like metal, like deep, like frying thing, like it looks like, filled of water and then five little spoon handles that you put an egg in, you put it in, and it says like five minute per oof. And you're still smarting from the person that stole your toast. Yeah, I know, but also this family's there.

People are banging out five, so there's like a cue to bore your own eggs. Oh, my God. Surely just... 40 minute queue at the fucking breakfast before the 40 minute queue at the right. It was quicker to get on their eye. I've got a blue fire quicker than this. I've got one. Come on, guys.

I've got an egg fast pass. If they, I get why they want the, not to pre-boil the eggs, I get that. No, but just do a load of them. Do 20 eggs and put them on the side and say, these are hard-boiled. And then do another 20. Like, it takes so long to do five individual eggs. Or do eggs on request. No.

They weren't that, it weren't that kind of hotel. Oh, okay. But I'm willing to accept a big bowl of 20, like a 20 boiled eggs under a heat. Tell you what. You're not going to, you're not going for your holiday shit on a train if you've had 20 boiled eggs or off. Do you know what I eat a lot of eggs and you don't hold me back? That's good. I've got quite powerful battles, I think.

Yeah. You've got a fast responder boughs? First responder. First responder. Do you want to hear the best with me and Lou had a good row in the car. Do you know about this? Yes, please. Yeah, how many hours in?

So this is second day. This is driving from France to Germany three and a half hours to drive, yeah? Yeah, not too bad. Lou has got hair extensions that she wants to take out. Now, your options are... In the car? Mm. So, right, I went to the shop.

So we're in France. I go to the Carrefour, okay, to get some snacks and some bread rolls for the kids to take down so you can eat in the car, right? right? Yeah. Look at this. I'm going to read you. So I say to message me what you want from the shops. This is what I'll get. Two packs of makeup removal wipes. Fair enough. That was for her and her friend. A Coke zero. Bighette, cheese butter, ham, sweets for me please. Crisps, water, maybe some chocolate for the kids. Yeah. Fine. Then, fine. Listen to this. Random, but I'm basically ripping out my own hair extension as I've run out of time to get them taken out properly. So might try and soften the bonds. any chance to have a little pit of coconut oil somewhere and flat pliers to squash the bonds.

Can you grab that too? Coconut oil, the most important. Thank you. Flat pliers? Have you ever tried to find flat pies and coconut oil in the Carrefour REMs? I haven't, no. If I had it, it would be weird. You did.

Yeah, but, like, Lou, is, like, anyway, so Lou sat there, basically put coconut oil on a bonds, whatever that is, to soften it, and then use the pliers to, so basically you can get your own air extension to that which I think it's an insane thing to be doing so we're driving along we need a wee and in France there's these little things you pull in and it's just a picnic bench and there's like metal toilets that you can use rather than going in the main services so we're hungry we need a wee we're going to have a wee and I go lose you mind making some sandwiches we've got french dick butter ham and cheese French what sorry French dish French dix baguette so she goes oh I'll get out and make them I'm like can you just make them in the car

because like we're we want to get going right there'll be loads of crumbs we won't be that many crumbs let's just make them the go we didn't have a knife i forgot a knife because i was too big of us for years no but we did have those wooden sticks my daughter put in um from you know stirring coffee from the room yeah all right yeah to potentially use the butter anyway in in a now lou's going to have issues with this and i expect a voice note coming in lou decides to make the baggets on her lap using her finger for the butter okay even though we've got these wooden things she makes

I'm going to come to lose defence here yeah yeah absolutely those thin wooden things are not going to be good for spreading it's not going to give you a good spread and a finger is more practical nature's nature's butternard

I did say though can you nick a spoon from the hotel she didn't nick a spoon from the hotel or a knife I don't think that's all so that's good on her she's not a thief so she's not a thief So she's making these baguettes Right now she makes us some baguettes

It's actually tasted of hate I could feel the tension within the sandwich From the finger to the So anyway And then she's done Then after she's made the sandwiches We've all got a baguette She I'd say spends close to a minute

Performatively brushing crumbs off a lap Right Okay As if in an indicate So not just a quick like brush them on the floor She's sort of turning around stood up a little bit to the side and like that's proper like yeah yeah for a minute and I'm just ignoring like that anyway and she's moan and I'm like fair enough how's she got the butter off her finger

mouth mouth well most of it on the bread then a quick so you know wonder I'll beat myself off in my head which I'm saying so she's she's doing the Leslie Grantham style she's a Lesprey Grantham butterer Yeah, okay. So she's got the right up with me and she's brushing like that, right, and going, oh my God, she's so messy, so messy and crummy, like that. And then I'm like, all right, and so she's moaned about the mess.

Then she goes back to removing her hair extensions, which I'd argue is probably as messy if not messier when I'm trying to eat my sandwich and bits of hair land on me. I can't rule on that because I can't picture what removing hair extensions with pliers and coconut oil looks. So what it is is sort of getting hair tied up, getting some coconut oil on the little things that connect the hair like that.

And as it softens it, using the pliers to pull it out like that. And then what you get is sort of a clump of hair that's sort of tied together, right? Right. Okay, yeah. And then obviously, though, as you're putting out, there are a few strays. So as I'm driving, stray hairs would land on my face. And I'm, because she's removing hair.

So I'm arguing that there's a lot of mess going on that is also crumb-based and hair-based. And also driving is. quite important to not be distracted. By, arguably. That, you know, you're, the front of the cast... I can already feel the voice note coming in. I'm really... I'll be surprised, Lou, I'll be surprised if you've got to this point without sending

an initial voice note. Do you know what I mean? I imagine there's been a pause already. Yeah, 100%. So she's already immediate voice now. So then, but then what's happening is, as she's removing it, there's like a clump of hair just like on her lap. And then obviously, because it's not contained.

anyway, stuff's floating about. I'm like, can you not just put it at empty coffee cup? Because he's got me thrown away. And then, I'll just fry it out the window. Birds can use it as a nest. Do you know what I mean? I don't know about that. Is it just hair?

What is a hair extension? I don't know it's a real hair. So it's just someone else's hair. What? Yeah, it's a real hair from someone else that's been put in your head. Oh. Right? So, so in the end, I went, and then I was like,

Lou, your hair is getting everyone. We need to get rid of this hair out of the car, because it is just going to bits of it's going to be moving about. And then Lou tried to fray out the window. And then throw her hair it. She tried one. Through one her hair extension out. And then it blew back in and landed on that door.

Of course. So the argument was basically, how can you possibly complain about a few crumbs when you're removing all your hair in the car? So it's quite a bit of a tense drive. That's the case for the, um, Prosecution, I look forward to the case of the defence.

Yeah, I will hear what I hear what I want to say, but yeah. Anyway, that we had a good old, quite a juicy row over there. We filled some time. Yeah, exactly. It's been a joy, Rob. Yeah, it has. Sorry if it's been a bit clunky, listeners, but we are trying our best over some holidays, but we'll get back into a bit of river.

Let's be honest. Let's be honest. They'll probably love that bell stuff. If it had carried on longer, it would have been annoying, but it was a little bit of fun. if the children planned in the corridor with the bell and the whistle carried on it, it would have been unbroadcastable. Yeah.

But it feels like everyone's left you. You're like home alone. I know, it does feel weird. I've just realised, Rob, that I can't do, oh, I can do small business off here. I was going to say, because my son's looking at Lego.

No, I've got it on here. It's fine. So why wouldn't he? Oh, because you're not on your phone. Yeah. Small business. Dear Rob, Josh and Michael. long time listener here loyal gym companion for years now having started listening on recommendation

of my brother years ago if i'm ever laughing to myself midbench press it's almost certainly because of the podcast not ideal for form but worth it i'd love to throw my hat in for a small business shout out my business pink oboachine branded bakes recently relocated to lyme regis line regis is lovely With a bakery To get out of though Tiny little roads, isn't it? Oh yeah, well you know

It's worth it With a bakery Just over the Devon border We create thousands of cupcakes, cookies and sweet treats topped with edible logos Perfect for corporate gifting events And generally showing off

You can find us here Pinkobejean.co.com.uk Now I'd love to offer listeners of Parenting Hell an offer Use the code Parenting Hell 10 or website or email it to us

and we'll send you a little extra gift with every order. Thanks so much for the last. Keep more coming. Thanks so much, Claire. Pink, Obogene, branded Bakes. Okay. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'd like to give a small business shout out to my friend Jade

and her husband, Brian. They've just started a beautiful dog accessory brand called Cedar and Snout. The business is based in Northumberland, near Newcastle, but ship all over the country with a view to expand it internationally. they have some stunning harnesses, leads, collars and bottles that can be used for humans and dogs to share. Harnaces?

To share. What? Are you still there, Josh? Yeah. I was just trying to get my head around it. They have some stunning harnesses, leads, collars and bottles that can be used for humans and dogs to share. Yeah, well, I think the lead is shared between the human and the dog, isn't it? Not in a kind of sex game way.

Or maybe the bottle. I'm going to take the dog out in the harness and then I'm going to go and do a zip wire and I'll use the same harness for myself on the zip wire. The website is cedarsnought.com.com. Instagram cedar underscore snout, TikTok, cedar and snout. They're working so hard to get the business off the ground

and it's gaining momentum. But a shout out on parenting, that will be amazing push for them. Plus, following their socials, we'll get you some super cute doggo content. So I, from looking at it actually, I think the three and one adventure bottle is there's a bottle that you can drink out of the top,

but the underneath unscrews so that then you can pour water into the thing for the dog to lick out of. Oh, that's good. You're sharing the bottle, but the dog's licking out the bottom and you're drinking at the top. Yeah.

So the dog licks out the bottom and you drink. You've got the harness on. Your wife's pulling your own lead. You get licked out down the bottom, Cedrants and out. Good luck. Right. See you later. It's been a journey and I do apologize.

How long's your drive back? Two hours. It's not long is it now, is it? No. You're down south where you meet, south west? Got to pick fluffball up from the vet, but that's another story. Oh, God, we're from a fluffball. Still the same problem.

Can't get to the bottom of it. Bad legs? Bad legs. Oh, okay. Quite depressing cliffhanger. Tune in next week. They're all kind of out live fluffball. That's mental, isn't it?

Poor old fluffball. I'm sure fluffball. will be fine. Are you? No. I'm trying. Flath will be absolutely fine. Yeah.

Cool. Bye. Bye.