Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - ⚽ The Worst Thing To Happen To Football (The Nations League) ⚽

Episode Date: September 28, 2026

This week we discuss the utter pointlessness of the Nations League and the international break. Elsewhere the hot topics are football kits and smelly players Man City being found guilty of FFP charges And Manchester United selling the grass at Old Trafford. Enjoy! If you want to get in touch with the show you can; Email us: [e-mail] And follow us on Instagram and Tiktok: @footballinghell FPL team -⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ join the Footballing / Parenting Hell mini league ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ LEAGUE CODE: 1a5fc7 Leave us a 5* review and subscribe to the podcast please. You know the score by now. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Footballing Hell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Monday (don't worry - it's business as usual on Tuesday and Friday with the usual Parenting Hell episodes) A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to Footballing Howe with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whittickham? Josh Whittickham. All done. Good boy. So difficult, isn't it? How are we meant to know that? So is this a footballer's wife that's got in touch of the partner?

Is it Liam Ridgwell again? A footballer's partner, I believe, because the lady that sent the email kindly sent the email has a different surname to this player. Oh, Michael doesn't like it. The modern woman that likes to keep her surname, does he? Oh, no, when do you cover your face, you disgusting Andrew Tate bitch? Don't get me started on those cucks that take their wives. You alpha.

You mogging us. Those hyphen pussies. Active footballer, they sounded a bit older than a footballer. Do you want a series of clues to see if you can get it? Yeah, come, that's just a man's voice. But I've done some deducing there, Michael. Is that fair? Yeah, I think everything you've said so far is accurate.

Okay, so ex-footballer because they're not in their 20s. So what's the clue? X footballer. So clue number one. I was born on the 7th of May, 1974, in Bury St. Edmund in England. So 52. I played as a defender and I began my career at Chelsea in 1991. It's not Kundi, is it?

No. Is it Frank Sinclair? Incorrect. I'm in Gold King. Not bad guesses. You want a second clue? Yeah, yeah. In 1993, I signed for Blackburn Rovers for a fee of £300,000.

A defender, Black Dan Roes? Grain Lassau. Incorrect. Ian Pearce. Correct. Ian Pierce. Come on! Fucking, God, I'm great.

Brilliant. Sorry, I really regret. So we listen to it again because it'll be obvious now we listen to it. That just screams, Pierce, doesn't it? Yeah, let's have another listen to Ian Pearson, his wife who hasn't taken his name. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. There it is, obviously.

Yeah. Can you say Josh Whittickham? Josh Whittickon. There we go, that's Pierce. That's Ian Pierce all day. No offense to Ian Pierce. Can I spot you in the street? Absolutely not.

No. But I can get you through. Wikipedia. She said anything, Michael. Has she emailed in touch or are you in touch with her? Are you tracking these down? She's emailed. She said, Dear Rob, Josh and Michael, here's a voice clip of my partner. Can you guess who it is?

A few tiny bits of info managed to play for his best team West Ham for six years. This is nice. We love to listen to both of your podcasts on our long drives up and down the country, now watching football, not playing. It is Ian Pierce. He says he's bang average and you won't even know who he is. I know he and Pierce. Oh, that's something.

He's won a league title with Blackburn. Let's be honest, he was bang average, but I do know who he is. Let's, you know. And that's not an insult. He is absolutely straight down the middle, bang average Premier League player, which makes him better than 99% of footballers in the world. But let's...

More than 99%. Let's be honest with the facts there. Love Ian Pierce. Yeah. You know, it was a Premier League winning defender. Yeah, which is an incredible thing. When Colin Hendry was injured. Yeah.

I think he was starting centreback, wasn't he? Would he be Colin Hendry's... partner, default partner or would that have been Henningberg? No, his partner emailed in. There you go. That's comedy. David May, maybe. I'm looking at their Premier League winning team. So, squad.

Tim Flowers, right back, Tony Gale. Then Jeff Kenner? Yeah, ended up at Plymouth. Tim Sherwood was number four. Colin Hendry, Graham Lassau, Stuart Ripley, Gallagher, Shira, Mike Newell, Jason Wilcox, Nicky Marker, Bobby Mims. Mickey Marker, started at Plymouth. Ryan, Witchguard, Chris Sutton, number 16.

Robbie Straitor, Henningberg, Paul Harford, Mark Atkins, David Batty, Paul Woolhurst, number 25, Ian Pearce. Say what you will about Kenny Dalglish. Not many people say many things about Kenny Douglas. To win the league with that squad is something else. He's fucking out. He's head of recruitment at West Bromwich Albion. Oh, there we go. That's why they're driving up and down the country.

What a great job. This is from Sammy, his partner. She says, also, can he be entered into massive bastards, lovingly new pod? I don't think he's massive. He's six three. Let me get him up here. Unless Rob, she's talking about her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's no. Oh, sorry. You've taken something really, really sweet. I don't know. I'd say he's on the fringes of massive bastard. I don't think Ian Pierce is a massive bastard. No, he's not far off, but he's close. He's a big bastard.

He's a massive bastard if he's living a day-to-day life, but not in a football world. Do you know what I mean? Next to a rudder. I don't know. A blackbird looked like a bit of a massive bastard, to be honest. We interviewed him, Josh, for quickly, Kevin. Oh, yeah, he is. Very, very, very early on.

And he didn't come across as a massive bastard, no. Can I add another category to massive bastards? Small bastards, small shards, small shits. Little shit, little shits. Dennis Wise. Yeah, okay, little shit. Any other little shits, let us know. Okay.

Do you know who turned into a little shit? Bernardo Silver last season. Well, I think he always had it, didn't he, and him? He was a graceful ball player, and then he turned into a little shit in his last year, because he got a bit slow. Yeah, but you can be a graceful ball player in a little shit. Like I'd say, I'd say there's an element of little shit to Paul Skulls. Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Even though he was so incredibly culture. Oh, nasty bastard. Bit of a nasty bastard. Paul Skolls, like, God love him one of the, you know. Yeah. The best players, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But he had it.

He had a little shit in him. He had a little shit in him, yeah. Because his tackles, those little tackles. Yeah, yeah. Dennis Wiles was a bit pinchy. So any little shits are massive bastards, send them in. Paul Skulls isn't in the team, but Dennis Wise is. Okay, Rob, it's been a huge week.

So many games to talk about. Well, first of all, let's discuss our shirts. We're in the Sweden away kit from the World Cup, and you've got on... Malmo. Malmo is that third kit or a way kit? We don't know. Sponsored by Oatley. We bought them in Sweden.

If you want to hear about our trip to Sweden, that'll be covered in parenting hell. Can I ask you a question about football shirts, Rob? Go on. I've got a lot of retro football shirts. Well, not retro, like classic football shirts, real. I don't buy the re-issues. No, I don't like the reissues. I don't like a couple and I feel, it's not,

and I don't like the fakes either. I think fakes are good for kids if they're just growing out of shirts and want that season's kit. But I'd rather get it on sale when it's reduced in a season or two than get a faky. So, Rob, I... The problem with fakes, sorry, Josh, is this, if you're getting them from China, China,

Now, this is, I'm going to tread carefully here. Yeah. I don't think the Chinese have to deal with male tits as much as Europeans and Americans. Okay. Talk to me about this. I've not seen many male Chinese men with tits. However, I have tits. And my tits fall between flabby tits and rock hard massive tits if I go to the gym.

I can never get rid of the tip. So I need a shirt that can deal with it. And I do think the Chinese market, when they're remaking these kits, aren't really thinking about tits. Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I'd deliver that well. I think if I was on news night, that would be fine. It'd be an odd episode.

Absolutely, but, you know, all of them are, aren't they? Those news sites. Rory Stewart giving the old crane neck in. That was so weird. If you haven't seen it, it's worth looking. It hasn't actually explained it. You did a video going, oh, my kids said don't go on social media because I'm a meme.

And the only thing I'm going to say to that is, and then he redos the lean, but the wrong way. Oh, does it? Yeah, so he does it that way, doesn't he? Yeah, the thing. I don't know how the mirror is getting me. And then when he does it on his phone, he goes that way. But he doesn't explain why he did it.

I don't think he knows either. No, I suppose he's not even going to remember he's done it. Do you know what I mean? Because that's just what he naturally does. I'm going to have a good old listen. Sorry, go out just. Kits, you're talking about kids. So I've signed up to Dad's, uh,

Seven-A-side football. You're aware of this. Yeah. That's covered in parenting hell. I don't want to wear. I don't understand people who play five-aside or seven-aside in nice collectible football shirts. I agree. Also, you don't know who's sweated in them before.

You're sweating them. These are, they're like your most expensive clothes. Yeah. You might as well go in a suit. You wouldn't scribble down a shopping list on the Magna car. Exactly right. Exactly. Thank you.

So what do you wear for those games? I wear newer shirts of kits I like. So I might wear this Sweden kit because it's a newer one. And you're not worried that over time your Sweden kit's going to, in 20 years you're going to go, I wish I hadn't got sweaty in that Sweden kit. Do you know, this is my rule and it's, hey, I've worked myself into this position. I'll wear it once and move on. You wear it once and move on?

I don't rewear it. I don't play football that much for that to be a problem. but I don't often repeatedly sweat because when you do that you start to, there's also players and I don't want to name names, but you can smell them as they walk onto the pitch because if you have a top you've sweated in for years and years, Michael, you must know people like this.

It gets into the fibre of the shirt and the shirt starts to create its own personality that you smell before you see the player. So I think, refreshing. What do you wear, Michael, for football? Very similar to Rob in the show. approach. I have made the mistake of, if I say, bought a 90s foot, man United football shirt, like the black sharp view cam I replaced a year or so ago

because I had it when I was a teenager, but I've still got that, but it's way too small now as a big middle-aged man. So I bought that. Is it shrunk? I've added a little bit of girth around the mid, around the middle. Oh, God. Just all get wider until we're dead. Yeah. But it, A, was, the fits are horrible. So it's like wearing, wearing the sail of an old sort of Nelson-era sailboat. They stink.

Like if sweat gets into that, whatever that fibre is, it's like superglue. And you cannot get it out. Rob's absolutely right. I won't name any names, but there are a couple of regular players where that shirt that they wear needs to be retired. That burnt. Burn at the state. Well, the reason they're wearing it is they're like, I don't want to do this to another

shirt. I might as well. What about the idea of not wearing a football shirt? Topless? No, of wearing like just a normal. I sometimes wear like a gym top. Yeah, that's what I mean. Sometimes that's nice.

Do you know what I do a lot in the summer? I wear vests. Or I go topless and just put the bib over me. No. Yeah? No. Yeah. With those tits?

I'm not sure about this. Yeah, it's powerful. It's a powerful look. I'm a powerful man. Yeah, I'm wearing a top. I've got a bib on and I just go topless. Everyone's sweating. I'd rather just sweat into the bib rather in my clothes.

Would you ever go shirts and skins? Did you do that as a kid? Not without a bib. I need something to hold me down. High towel. I'm harnessing the bib to keep yourself inside the bit. Depends on how quickly you get to the bib bag because there's some ones that have shrunk in there.

There's also some junior-sized ones. It's always a bit of a laugh if you get that. So it depends how quickly you get to the bib bag and if you get the right bib. Well, sometimes you get given a bib and then you're stuck with it. Worst things people have wanted to play football, let us know. Now, we should talk.

I couldn't give a fuck about the Nations League. It's the worst thing to happen to football for you. It's worse than the hydration break. It's worse than the hydration break. in the bigger world cup. It's completely... It's an international friendly. Stop pretending it matters.

It doesn't. I don't even understand the leagues. I don't understand which league we're in. So have Wales got promoted or have they just got put in an incredibly difficult division? I don't even think we should give it any respect at all to talk about it. And also, it's ruining all... We're playing four games in a row.

Three weeks this shit lasts for. Who cares? Even Cole Palmer don't care. No, exactly. He'd rather... ruin his international career, than turn up. Look, I thought about this.

Unless you're in a World Cup competition, do you really care about playing for your country? Only if you're one of those people that wants to get loads of goals. Do you know what I mean? Like Harry Kane or Christiana Ronaldo. It's only for people chasing a record. But for like Ben White and Cole Palmer,

you just sat on the bench, not playing, but just basically being fluffer to all the other players, why bother wasting your time? You know when Morgan Gibbs White got called up? Did we discuss this? He left his holiday and he did a, I think we messaged, he did like a TikTok. The moment he wasn't called up, him and his wife have booked a holiday. Yeah, of course.

You basically got a three-week break. Imagine if in the middle of, you know, your tour, right? And you don't get paid. You have to donate your money. Well, you still get paid by your club, but you get paid anyway by your club. The clubs should be fucking fuming. You just spent under a million on a plan. He goes and has to play Chetcher away. Yeah.

Is it Chechia? Yeah, yeah. Hang on, fuck this. Have we got four football matches? Yes. So we've lost to Spain, then we've got Czech, check, check, check, check. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Check, check, check, check. Is you checking your mic? We can hear you, right? Rewind. So is it Chechia now? Yeah, yeah. And then, so we've got them tomorrow. Croatia again?

We don't need to ever. We always play fucking Croatia. Ever again. We got to play in November. Oh, Fuck this. Now I want to march. Can we do a protest? So what's happened? We've got them again in November. There's an international break in November.

And what's happening then? We've played Croatia again, obviously, in Spain again. Why? We've played Croatia. I think England and Croatia it's sorted. We're done. We know we're better than them. We beat them every time, apart from them. They used to beat us. Now we beat them. Let's call it a draw. And let's just never play each other again. I used to enjoy friendlies when it was like Columbia. Because it was like, I was a different. We're always playing. We've got to play all these fuckers again in 2028 for the euros.

We'll be in the same group as Croatia. We're always in the same group as Croatia. So what level are we playing at? Well, we've got Spain, so we must be in the top position. Hopefully we go out and we don't have to play any more games. No, it's a league, isn't it? Yeah, but what? I don't understand.

I don't know what happens when you get up. Who cares? It's so painful. Three weeks is a fucking joke. I read like a long story, news story about James Trafford. I'm like, I don't, why am I doing this? Nothing matters for a year. Essentially, fuck all matters for a year.

At the start of 2028, then in that six months, international football is interested again because they're getting ready for a tournament for the men's game. Can I give you my idea for fixing this for international football? So you remove all of the international breaks from the season for the two years in between tournaments. And then that summer before any tournament, Euro's or World Cup, you end the season four or five weeks earlier and you ram all the reduced

qualification process in that window. So the manager and the players. It matters. So much longer together. It matters. It matters in the run-up to the tournament. And they've got time to actually coach them and instill the tactics and stuff in the teams rather than playing one pointless friendly before a tournament and having five days. So you've got, Tushul's got four or five weeks with the entire squad. qualifying before the tournament even starts. So you get more football every two years, but you get no interruption to the domestic seasons.

We've had the World Cup. Then there'd be absolutely zero internationals at all until basically the summer. May, 2028? No, 27. No, no, April, 2028. Like, roll back all the weeks you would have lost. Oh, so you do it all leading into,

so it's basically there's qualifications and then the tournament in one massive three-month block. But wait a minute, Michael. Here's a problem. So is everything tracking back? So our season would finish now in April rather than May and then the season would start in July. It doesn't need to start in July

because you're removing the international breaks. So now we would just keep playing Premier League games on the years. And the other leagues. And the other leagues, obviously. So there's a lot of admin across the world. But if you do that, we don't have this horrible barren spell now where we don't give a shit about football.

I think that's too much, Michael. I think that's too much in one. block. Could we not do, rather a move in the season, basically 2026, right, we do nothing now. We've finished the World Cup in July, nothing in 26, and then in 2027,

in June and July, we have Euro's qualification. Nice, yeah. And then we haven't affected the league, and then, so we go, right, in June and July, we do our eight games. The problem with your format, Michael, is printing up the sticker albums, because they're not going to know who's qualified.

I'm willing to take that here, but. We can't think about sticking out. My priority is not Panini's profits. It's actually tops now. They've got the deal for both. But no, I think Rob's suggestion is good, actually. I think do what I'm suggesting. Panini.

Forget about Panini. And it's not even Panini anymore. It's tops. They're doing all of it. Right. It'll be, yeah, so there'll be zero internationals from the end of the World Cup until one entire calendar year. And then in June July, we do the Euro's qualifiers,

where for six weeks, basically, England play all their matches. in six weeks. I could knock them out in three weeks. Three weeks. And then the next, so then we get all excited going, oh my God, so we qualify for the euros.

Because I don't even know what's going on with the euros. Yeah. And then qualifying becomes a concentrated tournament in itself, where it feels like there's a sense of momentum and jeopardy. I mean,

we would need to check whether Corinthians, big heads are happy with that impact on the nails. Yeah, absolutely. And if BP are going to still do the little coins. But they've got a year.

They've got a year. Guys, I don't want to be Captain Ally, aren't I a great bloody feminist, but it is the Women's World Cup in 2027. Would there be a clash of interests? The floor is yours. You just don't do them at the same time.

So cancel all women's football. Okay, Josh. If that's where you want to go, that's fine. No. What I mean is you don't do them at the same time. You do... June Euros men's July World Cup women's. Perfect.

You do the Euro's men straight off the season. So you do second half of May, first half of June. Perfect. Because also, you can be... bring the season in shorter because we're saving on international breaks. So you can actually finish at the end of April. And they do, did do that for Qatar and they'll do that for Saudi Arabia.

Exactly. So they're excited for the Saudi Arabia World Cup. Do you know what? It's Pashtabar. I haven't really thought about it yet. This is the first I've heard of it. Where's the next one? Is it Australia?

No, it's Spain and Portugal, Morocco. Yeah. And Uruguay and Argentina. Of course. Why not? Why not? Just as long as Infantino's pockets are as full as Poss. news, the federal EV rebate is back.

Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal EVAP rebate on select 2027-volt and 26 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today for more details. We were worried about content, but we got lucky, Rob. Go on. Manchester City. Well, Manchester City, Man United selling grass, the Rooney documentary, and I went to watch London City Lionesses, because I support women's football.

Of course you're an ally. But if you don't want me. to talk about it because you hate it. I could not. No, I'd be interested in your experience. Thank you. But where should we go first? Manchester City. Let's get that sorted. We didn't want the Melmo home kit because it looked too like Mancities, didn't it? Little did we know that somewhere in a courtroom or wherever they do these things in the UK.

Email inbox. They were 48 hours from losing all their trophies. How pleased are you? Well, I am very happy that it's come in. I am panicking already that they're going to go really easy on them. Of course they are. I think they should go really harsh. Two, I love the drama of them being relegated.

That is amazing for us and the kind of football we like. So you know they can't relegate them. This is interesting, Rob. But they can dock them enough points that it forces them down the list. Which is worse because then you have to, if you're Erling Harland and you get relegated, you can go, I'm going to do a Jean-Louisci Bufon and be a hero and stay for the year of promotion

and then I'm back. But this way, if you're Elling Harland, you go, I have to play in the relegation season and the promotion season. Yes, before you're back in. And also, can I just say, for people that are over from Parenthood in Hill that may not be as into football as we are, which

some people think is not very far in, that Man City, who have been super successful, Pep Guardiola Harland, won loads of trophies, won four in a row, won the Champions League. They've basically been, it's been proven that they broke the rules of the Premier League by spending too much money and a series of things they shouldn't have done. Nearly 100 rules, they've been doing.

A hundred rules, which can lead to, in the past, Everton broke some rules and got deducted 10 points. But that was like five or six rules. This is 140. They are appealing. If they say points deduction of, say, 80 points, which basically means relegation, are they allowed to dock them 80 points for two seasons? No, because they won't be allowed to dock them for the second season

because the reason they're not allowed to relegate them is that the Football League and the Premier League is separate competitions theory. Could they postpone? Could they go 80 point deduction? Then you get promoted, then you get 80 points again. That would be amazing. So they just keep having to come up and go back down.

Look, if they don't... It will be exciting if they choose an amount of points that is getable. So if they chose 50 points That makes it exciting That makes it incredibly exciting Because they need to get about 85, 90 points To save themselves from relegation

Which is doable It would be so excited Yeah but I think you've got to make it almost not doable As the punishment Because if Man City Right Get dot 40 points And then get 95 points to stay up

Right The smug arrogance It almost looks like Well it don't matter if you break the rules because if you invest that well and have such good players, you can beat them again anyway because we've cheated to get all these great players in. I agree. It would be worse.

It needs to be 80 points. That would be worse. Because in a way it goes, you might as well cheat because if you get your team good enough, you can just stay up. I'm going to say something controversial. Yeah. Okay.

I'd get rid of financial fair play. Now, I'm normally this way I think of Josh, but I'm actually going to say no, because it will, it just ruins it. How boring was it? The man sitting, and there's a reason why it was boring is because they could just buy everyone.

Yeah, but we'll just get to the point where everyone can buy everyone because they'll all be bought by billionaires. So then everyone's on a level playing field, but currently what you've got is the teams that are currently at the top. I'm not having Elon Muffs versus Jeff Bezos in a big fucking, who's got the most money,

Wankoff, using our league as a little play thing. They'll be spending $100 million on Wankoff. They'll buy anyone, Robert. Great player. Top score in the Polish League. But I think, you've got this situation where Aston Villa having to sell their players because they've overspent.

Still don't understand why. Still don't understand why. But then they bought about £300 million off a player. I'm like, hang on. I don't know. You've created and have a problem here. Yeah. I don't really understand it.

I just think everyone needs to be at a level playing field. And the only way to do that is to get rid of all the rules, basically. No, I disagree. Unfettered capitalism. You've changed. I know. Used to be right on, dude. No, this is only in football.

Right. is only in football, not in real life. Did you see Rodry? I think Rodry may be thick as shit. Right, okay. Roderry went, well, no, they can't take those trophies away from us because, you know, we were on the field together doing it. You know, money had nothing to do with that.

I was like, money bought you, you, you silly prick. Also, the whole thing is you just start pulling at this thread and you go, well, the problem is, even if you take away those trophies for that period, after that period, they were still in the position they were in, because they'd ever spent in that period. Football heritage. Exactly.

José Marino is quote. Do you know what he's quote? No. He goes, Fernandino, Aguero, Kevin Dubroena, all investments from the past.

Yeah. Football heritage. Exactly. Where they play, if they play. Michael, you follow me? Yeah, absolutely. Quite good impression.

Thanks. Did you see Tony Puleus complaining that Stokes should have been given the FA Cup for 2000? Or 2011 or 2011 or whatever it was. Good on him. Get that 250 quid talk sport appearance fee. Give a good old opinion. The Mike Lawrenson.

I'll come on and shout some shit for a couple of hundred. Stick it in the bank. Well, it's fair, though. They cheated to win that. Yeah. So why should, they should get that trophy. Nothing's been, you know, they're still appealing. They say they've nothing done.

That's not an FA Cup rule, is it? That's a Premier League rule. They broke. So maybe they should be allowed to overspend in the FA Cup. We've bought you for the FA Cup team. Yeah. if, for example, they go, right, FAA Cup, Premier League, you cheat in those seasons.

So we are taking the FAA Cup from you and Stoke get the FAA Cup. I think if I'm Stoke, I'll do a bus parade. Do you? You get the trophy, you get all the players that played in that season, crouch you in the front of a big cigar. Let's go.

Why not? Enjoy it. Would Arsenal win any leagues from this? I don't think so. I think Man United would. Michael, and this is a Michael question. Let's bring Michael in it. I can tell you. this, Rob, because my friend who's a man you fan, I bought a bottle of champagne on Friday because

he said, because they get two and Liverpool get one. So theoretically it makes Manchester United the most successful team in England again. Oh, wow. This is great. Is that true, Michael? Yeah, I'd read something similar. I mean, I would like to see them stripped of their trophies because it's funny. I don't know that I could bask in the glory of being the biggest team in England if that's how it's happened. Would you go to a parade? Yeah, just because it's funny. I think they should always do parades. Really? I think the point of this podcast is most of our views on footballer, what

would be the funniest thing to happen? And it's Peter Crouch on a parade in Stoke. Yeah, and I think every team, if that happened, should do their parade at the same time on the same day. So it sort of becomes like some huge, like Victorian World's Fair for football. 100%. Would man you do two laps for both their title

and then halfway between like any players that had left after the first title have to leave the bus for the second lap. You know what it means, though, Michael? Oliguna Solcia has won the Premier League, and so is Brendan Rogers. Oh, no, we can't have that. I like the first bit. I don't like the second bit.

I love the idea of all the players, like Chris Stark and up there doing a live podcast, this Peter Crouch on the Stoke bus, Oliguna Solcia. Oh, he got a solosia. Oh, here we go. The full list of trophies there could be stripped. This goes back to 2012. So Ferguson would get another trophy. So the iguero moment goes, doesn't it?

Yep. And there'd be another trophy to Marino. What a league? Yeah. So Fergie would win another one for Man United. The 2018 title would go to United after Jose's side finished second. I think Jose should have been given longer at Man United. Well, in hindsight.

Brendan Rogers might have got one. That was the slip season. And then Stoke would get an FAA Cup. And the League Cup, I think there's been about 25 winners, wouldn't it? Yeah. Sundaland would get one. Gus Poyette. Jurgen Kloch would get another league cup.

Arsenal, get a league cup. Yes. And a community shield. Are we still listening? I'd get rid of the community shield. Chelsea will get a community shield. They can have that one. Keep that.

They can have that. Chelsea did a community shield parade. I think it's a great idea. I'm up for it. I think they need to withdraw all the stuff after it as well, because you can't invest. Football erudage. Yeah, totally. But then you've got to draw a line somewhere.

Like, you can't go on forever. You know, but two years ago, right, we got knocked out of the FA Cup in the fourth round by Man City. Now, would they have done that? We're not replaying the whole FA Cup season so Plymouth can get knocked out this game after. I think we rightfully should have got to the fifth round. Okay, well, let's do this.

Let's do Stoke Plymouth FFFA Cup final. We'll squeeze it in after the nation's league game. Yeah, okay, great. It is funny, though, isn't it? and I find it difficult to get seriously angry about it. I just find the whole thing hilarious. And I think the perfect situation really is, I know this sounds,

is that they get relegated, but they get to keep their trophies because they'll always be arguments over the trophies. What I want is the whole thing to remain at argument between fans forever. Astrix FC, that's what they'll be. Yeah, that's what I want. Have you seen the Wayne Rooney documentary? No, I don't know how you have time to watch documentaries

about the home life of all your fucking... I'm not currently presenting the biggest show on TV, Josh, that's why. You're about to go into the biggest show on TV. Already done it, mate, pre-recorded. Oh, yeah. Don't worry about that. No, I have got plenty of time at the moment. I'm not doing much.

So tell me about at home with the Roonies. Or meet the Roonies. I'd say, there's not a lot going on. The jeopardy's very low. Yeah. You know, that is the thing with documentaries about happily married couples with millions of pounds. There's not a huge amount of jeopardy.

Oh God, will my acting be okay in this paddy power advert? I'm not probably, yeah. I think you'll be fine, Kaleen. Oh my God, will the Primark range sell? Yeah. Have you seen Primark? Yeah. People will literally buy anything.

Yeah. And if it doesn't, who cares? One was, oh, Wayne's got to do the punditry at the FAC Cup final. If it goes well, he might be asked to do matches the day. it's Wayne Rooney. He could literally sit there and shit out of his mouth and he'd get the gig. So like you're watching.

Sorry, when is it from? Is this from when he was starting up at the BBC? I can't, I don't know. I think it might be ages ago. Anyway, he goes, one, two things stood out. They're going to like a Scottish hotel for a weekend away. Colleen's driving. So she picks him up and she's a bit annoyed

because he's decided to play golf from the morning of their weekend away. Yeah, that doesn't feel ideal. She gets her at 12. He makes her at 12. He makes her. He's quite annoyed because she's decided to bring a series of cameras to their weekend away. I think he's keen. He's got nothing else going on.

And anyway, so she arrives at 12 to pick him up. He sits in the clubhouse for two hours drinking and makes her weight outside. What? Yeah. And she's like, oh God, you know, he's made me wait. And Lou's just like, just fucking drive off. And I'm like, this is mental, right? I just go in and go, what the fuck you're doing?

Or Lou, if I was at, Lou, would just walk in and go, what are you doing? I'm going, are you coming or not? And she just pissed off. Then he tells the story about when they flew on holiday to Miami and Virgin and they've got like business class beds that annex to each other. Anyway, him and clean having a little laugh.

And he tells his story, he goes, he had I come back from the toilet and then I rolled over and I, you know, I lent down and gave clean a kiss and give her a little boobie squeeze. And I'm like, okay, it's a wild story. Like you're saying, in a documentary on camera. And then he goes, and then I looked up

it was the wrong woman. Oh my fucking. And then I'm gonna callina just like pissing themselves laughing. I'm like, I don't think that's all right. I don't think that's a all what a funny story. Then I'm like, that's sexual assault. Well, yeah, let's talk. Yeah, it is actually.

It's accidental sexual assault, but it's still. Yeah, it's still not okay. But then I'm like, fair enough though, it's quite a funny story, but you don't need to add to grab a boobit in. No. Just say, I went down and gave her a hug, then I realized it was the wrong woman. Like, yeah.

Don't put those details in. If like, not on camera. Anyway, but it's quite, it's one of those ones like the Owings. Did you like them? I've got a lot of time for Wayne Rooney. I think he's a really good man. I really like him. I've got a lot of time for Gleen Rooney.

How would you compare them to the Owens? Who would you rather room with for, if you were in the World Cup 2006 squad, who are you rooming with? I mean, I probably Rooney. Yeah. They're very different to the Owens. I mean, the Owens look a little bit like every day

they've got ready for a Tatler photo shoot. The Rooney's don't look like that. No. Well, Colleen is always very well. burned out, but Rooney does, he's just like, a bit like me, he's just always in a track suit laying about, hoping to not have to go out. Yeah.

But they're really likeable, really nice. It's quite a good documentary, but... Isn't his son good at football? Yeah, they're all... And they, they, they're box, they make the kids, like, fight in the downstairs little gym. Do they? There's not much going on in it yet.

But you're going to stick with it? Yeah. You know, me and Lou like it. I've a bit reality. When he was doing that thing at the golf club, did you think this is actually reflecting quite well on me? The situation, Lou's, got is when she sees things like this or hears stories from her friends or people about things

that husbands have done that aren't they assholes. And I just sit there going, aren't I great? Aren't you lucky? Aren't I great? And she goes, I'm not lucky. I just didn't marry a dickhead. And I go, love you, babe. And then we carry on watching documentaries. Kiss and a feel of the boob and then you carry on. Quick tick grab. Unfortunately, it wasn't Lou. It was just a random woman in the street. I just thought it was her. Yeah, of course. We went to London City Lionesses to fill the gap of no Premier League. So who are London City Lionesses?

They play at the London City Stadium, presumably. No, they play at Bromley Stadium. Oh, your beloved Bromley. So I went to Bromley Football Club. And Bromley have got women's team as well, but I don't think they're in the WSL. They're not as higher league position. So a London City where Lioness is one of the few that aren't affiliated with a men's football team? Yes.

So they are owned by a owner called Michelle something, and she's like a super successful businesswoman. Yeah. And she's very keen to make like a team with its own identity that isn't just an add-on to the men's team. So yeah, in the top flight, that's the only team that isn't affiliated with a women's team. So this is what I've thought, right?

Yeah. I don't know why. And could someone explain why no one's done this, right? So I think the record transfer fee in the women's game is about a million pounds, right? Yeah. So why is it, and the women's game is growing and growing, yeah, but all these clubs have the finance to go, do you know what? Let's take 20 million out of the men's team that's just making fuck loads of money

and just absolutely make ourselves a huge team in the women's game if we're Brighton or if we're... Well, I don't know if that, I feel like there's rules against that. This is the thing. Let's get rid of financial fair play. It's holding back the women's game. Man City are top of the league, which isn't ideal considering recent events. So who were the London City Lioness is playing against?

Brighton. They won 2-0. We're actually, I think we're going to go to the next game in October against Everton. Right, so basically two things. You're allowed to drink in the stands. Yeah. Well, I've got my views on this. Yeah. Now, that's fine at women's football where...

100%. The fans are nice human beings. Honestly, it was so weird to be in a full stadium, about 5,000... Basically, it's near enough sellout, I think, especially in the home end. 5,000 people all just... The energy of being relaxed and just watching a game of football

was so insane. I know at certain men's games, there's passion and stuff like that, but passion can spill over into disgusting toxicity. that my children don't feel safe in. So it was really nice to sit there, relaxed, have a drink, watch it, and just my lose mum and dad came as well.

So like in their 60s and came and was all relaxed. I don't feel like, be comfortable taking them to certain men's games where it's like, I still go to men's games and love it, but it's a much different experience. It's way more suitable for kids.

If you're allowed to drink in the stands, yeah. I am never going away with Plymouth Hoggarlah, I forget. because they're just pissed on the floor it's the piss situation it's bad enough do you know what I mean being in a

like at the home games you can go imagine taking my son like we used to go in the family enclosure yeah like that's fine

at away games you don't know where you're going to be obviously you're just in a block of people but the problem with the family enclosure is twats have kids too twats have kids too that's the name of our other podcast Twatts have kids too

So they'll be there with their kids Being twatts and swear And then Michael thoughts on drinking The football ground I have one pro and one con The pro is no drinking in the ground Doesn't stop those people drinking It just concentrates the amount they drink

They sort of become binge drinkers Before the game At half time No but can you imagine What you'd get is you'd get people With like bringing four pints in And sitting down for the game Do you know what I mean?

Well I think there is There would be an element of that to begin with But having been at a World Cup in the summer where you're allowed to drink and having travelled around Europe a lot of places. Don't worry about it guys. I'm a very cultured when it comes to football. Oh yeah, go on. You don't have any of these issues. Once it's there and once it's allowed, it does actually, for the most part, regulate itself. You're always going to get

the idiots, but you can't control those people either way because you see them at half time run to the concourse and down three pints in 15 minutes and they're far worse then for the second half than they would be if they could just have a pint every half an hour. Yeah, and they might not even drink all of it. They just down it to get true. There was zero. I went to every England game at the World Cup and there was zero issues.

It's far worse being an English league game than it was any of those World Cup games. And then the massive downside is the shower of piss that comes. Or even if it's not piss, when a team scores, it's just all limbs and pints go everywhere. So, as Teka when Mexico scored, I basically had a tequila shower. And I just don't want that. Like every game I go away to. You prefer piss, don't you? I prefer the piss, yeah.

None of that foreign muck. Can you have set areas in the ground? Like a, you know, like a smoking and non-smoking area in a restaurant in the old days? You don't want to be covered in beer. And people will piss in the pint glasses. Yeah. Especially in the standing areas. And in areas where it's like the big stadiums where it's quite a mission to get to them from the toilets.

People just piss in pint glasses and then chuck them over. Like, that's not cool. And that did not happen at London City Lionesses versus Brighton. And I was there. So anyone that says you did it, it didn't happen, did it, Rob? No. Actually, what as well, a love about women's football is, and I don't know if I said this before, but you know, in like men's football, badgio and players like that of a ponytail, right?

Yeah. We're always like the flamboyant star. Yeah. And there'd be a bit more. But basically, when you watch women's football, they've all got ponytail. So they all look like the creative one. So it feels really excited. You all think they're all going to do something special.

And there was a centre back at London City, like this is she was so good in the air, but she just had an old school French crop, and she just did fucking match. She was a massive bastard. She was a massive bastard. Massive fuck off, Edders. It was great.

But that was really good fun, really good action. The girls loved it. Did your kids love it? They got shirts, names in the back. And then one went for Beckett. And the other one, well, pick a player. It's fun to pick her back.

player and I was like, oh my god, my daughter is me. I looked down the list of players, right? Should I give you the line up and you tell me who do you think she went for, right? Yeah. We obviously didn't go for goalkeeper. So it was a Cardinalo was the massive bastard defender who did massive headers. So we've got Cardinal number four, Leon 44, Fernandez 2, Lazaro 16, Putelas, no number there, Gaioro, 88, Corales, Godfrey, Diani, or Daniel,

van der donk number 10 she's got van der donk 10 on her back amazing amazing so so you're gonna go you're gonna go again yeah loved it it was really nice and how engaged because when I was when I first started going to Argyle yeah and really I was there for the hot chocolate and the

Mars bar that I was allowed and you'd be like can I have that now do you know what I mean definitely love that because it's a long time and football is and we need to be clear on this intensely boring yeah And tell what I say, it wasn't the most electrifying game. Like, they were quite tactically cutting people out. But there was like two goals, obviously.

But they were, like, loving it. And they was like, I need to go a toilet. I don't have a toilet in case of Mr. goal. And then one of my daughters went to toilet, Mr. Goal. Came back. She was like, I hate myself. And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And I'm like, obviously, it's a throwaway comment. But I'm going, no, I just like that. Anyway, and then they saw another goal. But they, yeah, to be fair, they were enjoying it, engaged and cheering. And it was good.

And they could like shout and cheer and laugh and stuff. But at men's games, I was saying before, they're a little bit clinging on to me. Yeah. Rather than being relaxed. So, now it was really good. And they put on a really good. So I've seen Arsenal women's, which is different because that is such a big stadium. There's 60,000 people.

And they'd feel that, don't they? Yeah. Not every game, but most games. But then this was at a smaller stadium, which was great because it was like really, because probably is a really good. You know, the men's team is still like a small stadium. It's good for kids to go and be close. because you're really close to the pitch,

see all the players. All the brand is really good. They've got like a VIP terrace area. They've got a stand-in. The bars are open. You get drinks. They've got a band. There's a fan zone before and after.

So I would definitely recommend if you're about for the next game. And also it was local. You know, it's only 10, 15 minutes. I think there's something about if their experience of going to football is going to the Emirates, there's something nice to feel like you're actually going to football that feels part of the community, that feels connected, that doesn't just feel like this massive entertainment thing. And we can get the bus home if we want. You don't, but you could.

No, no, we didn't. But we didn't get the bus there next time when we go. We're going to go to the event game. I'll tell you what happened. Now, I got there. And I got invited. My friend, Luke, was friend of someone that works at the city lineesses. And they emailed saying, I don't know if Rob knows, but this game's on.

We'd love to have him down if him and his family want to come. Oh, yeah, cool. We'll come down. Got there. And then they were like, how do you feel about going on a half time to fire the t-shirt cannon? Fucking great. And my kids immediately, like, what?

And then it's difficult, though, because they wanted to film it for social media and stuff like that, but I don't put my kids on social media, so I was a bit like, I can't say no to the kids going on. Like, they would never forgive me. Of course. So then I was like, no, if you just film me and not them, and then sort of you did that, but they got to fire the t-shirt camera.

Amazing. Did you get to fire the t-shirt camera? I fired it, and then it flopped. It landed on the floor. Oh, Beckett, you idiot. No, absolutely not. Because it was women's football. God.

And everyone was quite nice. What a wonderful place. I know, yeah. I mean, if I'd done that a men's football, Beckett, you B. You're shit. You're fucking shit. You're fucking shit.

You fucking spawn of Rob Beckett. You should be ashamed of yourself. Get off the pitch. I'm going for... Can't deny your jeans, you little blonde shit. Shit weak eyes in the sun. You got shit.

Keyes in the sun. Shit weak eyes in the sun. Pale bastards. But no, it was good fun. I'd recommend it. Who's your local women's team? Well, I go to our guy. wouldn't I.

No, but Exeter would be my local one, but I'd go to Argyal because Exeter's my local men's team and I'd go to Argaard. Are you not tempted to change? Because you said how much you like going to local? No, I'm not tempted to change because you can't change teams. But your kids should go to their local team? No, they shouldn't know. There's a family link.

I mean, full disclosure, Rob, they're not going to go to either at the moment. They've got no interest. No, they're not bothered, are they? Plimuth had the chance to go top on Saturday and we lost at home to Burton. Absolute heartbreak. I know I saw that. Exeter lost as well. They're going to get relegated again, don't they?

I fear. I fear ex-tair. Yeah, what other games happened? Well, the two above us didn't play, so we could have gone top, but we lost at home. Yeah, no one cares, didn't they? So upset. Grunesby lost. Burton, yeah, Burton beat you, Stockport, beat Peter, bro.

Wickham 2, 2, we're ready? Let's not pretend anyone cares, right? No, I don't give a fuck. Right, um, there's still a quick email? Did you want to talk about Man United Old Trafford grass? Oh, yes. Thank you, Michael. Man, Michael, I don't know what's going on here.

Are you selling bits of your pitch for 150 quid? Has it got that bad? It feels a bit like Greg Wallace on cameo here. Yeah, it's not a great look, I think, for one of the biggest football clubs in the world. Marginally better than 100 and something financial fair play charges, but it's pretty close. So why are you selling your pitch mid-season? Oh my God, it's tiny. And will that survive in that thing?

Yeah, because it's resin. It's like it's preserved in resin, so it won't be great. Is it like the mosquito in Drescent Park? Yeah. It's out of stock. You can extract the DNA from that and then like the Fergie team. comes back to life. It's worth a try.

Take home a piece of Old Trafford with this official turf cube. Perfect fans who want to keep sick from the most famous pictures in the world. Carefully preserved, this piece of turf makes a price of momentum of iconic games, played at home, and keeps the memories of match days.

Oh, fuck off. Perfect for gifting to passionate reds. This turf cube, don't make turf cube a thing just because you're selling it. A great addition to desks would be displayed in a cabinet with other mansions.

A great addition to desks does not be. You know what a great addition to a desk is a fucking computer? Yeah. Are you looking at it on the official Manchester United website, Rob? United Store, yeah? Yeah, so the pitcher that they've got of the grass, it's dead. It looks like it's drought grass.

Like that's the best one that they could find. Where does this grass come from? Did they change the pitch over the summer and now they're selling off the old pitch? Yeah, basically. Also, how can you guarantee it's not just grass? I once took part in a pitch invasion at Plymouth Argyll, end of the season. Here we go. Stole a bit of turf.

How? Just with your hands? No, the old... A fucking mole? The old heel in the turf and then just get a bit up. Everyone was doing it. Not just me. Did you have your own resin ready to go?

No. Planted it in a pot. Some Plymouth-Igoal grass growing away in a pot. That's what... That's pitch. That's passion. That's pitch. Not in racing.

They should be sending out... They should be sending it out like you'd send out plants. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. In water. Like when you, you know, or however they send out plants, so that you can then keep it and grow it and grow your own pitch. Yeah, I thought that's what was happening.

And I was tempted to buy some and then try and keep it alive. And then when I saw it was resin, I was like, I don't need. My desk is as good as it can be already. How much reckon they're raising for that? I mean, probably quite a lot because they're only seven by seven centimeters. So that's a lot of pitch. So how big's a pitch? Should we do the maths?

Josh is good at maths. So it is seven by seven cents. No, but that's the resin. That ain't the cubes smaller than that. Oh, right. I say you're looking at a two by two here. Really? 100%.

So the cube is only seven centimetres like that? Yeah. Fucking out. I mean, it's impossible to work out, Rob. So how many centimetres on a football pitch? It's about 100 metres, isn't it? So it's about 100 metres. How wide is it?

About 50 metres? I'm going to do. How many two by two? How many two by two centimetres? I've just put this in chat, I think you get 125 million of these. I'm asking Google actually, Michael.

That's what I think you do. How many jerks you can get? 125 million. Josh is right. Well, 1.46 million pieces but you can make 182 million. It's sold out. So Man United might have made

180 million from selling bits of grass. No, there's no way they could have done that. You need to build in the cost of the resin and the packaging and all that stuff. Why don't we sell locks of hair on Parenting Hell website? How much, sorry, how much are they? I'd have to sell like armpit hair or pubs or something. It doesn't have one of the Michael's pub.

Probably a good seller based on the inbox. Well, maybe it'll turn them around. Do you know what? Fair play. Should we do a quick email here? Yeah. Hello, I do like the fact that in a time on a fashion, you've completely forgotten about this league after being saying fusiatic at the beginning of the season.

The same happens every year's to millions, so you are related to what league? Is this for FPL? Yeah. I think it's the FPL. I think it's the FPL. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't give a phone. You need to be in a job you hate to be good at, that. Yeah. Because you just kill your time in an office. But Michael does it a lot. So that's worrying. Yeah, but he's only part-time, really. I haven't checked it for weeks. Oh, sorry, odd. Didn't realize you're so cool. You guys are my FPL. Each week I captained one of you and you get double points on the pod. If I get jokes it. Yeah. Hi, Rob, Joshua, I've been an avid listener of your parenting health podcast since it began. I've actually helped me lose five stony weight during lockdown. So thank you very much. Don't know how. Hell. Maybe you listening to any

exercises. Yeah. I'm loving your new football podcast. It's so refreshing hearing a few blokes who love football but don't make it

to the be all and end all. Yeah. Anyhow, the reason of this email is I saw this funny stat about Tottenham. I thought you might get a kick

out of it. Because Tottenham are currently bottom of the league and will be for three weeks during the course of the thingy. Roll on the next week longer. Since the Tottenham stadium

was opened in 2024 Yeah. Beyonce has had six concerts at the stadium. Yeah. Spurs have had five Premier League wins. That is bad.

That is a great start. Since 2024, so in two years, in two years, I didn't realize it was that bad down there. So in two years, if you're a season ticket older and you go to Premier League home games, you've seen them win five times. No, it can't be two years. It's got to be one and a half. Did it open last year?

No, it opened a year before. They can't have only won five home games in two seasons. I'll check. I suspect they've picked a point in 2024. It could be like since December 2020. Right. They've probably done it so that that stat is funnier. Fair enough.

We're only in it for the funny. We're only in it for the funny. That's all football should be about. Do you know what? You know that way Google predicts what you're writing? I barely bothered to spell anymore. It just works it out. Do you know what I mean?

I've spelled it. How many Premier League aims AMES have Spurs won at Tottenham's spilt wrong, Stadioam? It found it. They've won 72 games. This doesn't make sense. When did they move in? They moved an A.

ages ago. Oh yeah, fuck it. Right. See you later. Yeah, Beyonce's better in Tottenham. End of conversation.

Yeah. Who cares? Josh, I'll see you next time. See you next time because we've got more Nations League to discuss next time. Kill me. We'll talk about something else next week.

Do some emails. Send in your emails. Bye.