Passion Struck with John R. Miles - 5 Ways to Heal From the Shattering Consequences of Abuse w/ John R. Miles EP 172
Episode Date: August 5, 2022Over the past several weeks, I have interviewed several guests on the Passion Struck podcast who have experienced the consequences of abuse and neglect. These include my recent interviews with Kara R...obinson Chamberlain, who was kidnapped by a serial killer and sexually assaulted. Carrington Smith, who was emotionally abused and neglected for years by her parents and sexually abused while she was in college. I also interviewed Rabbi Avremi Zippel, who was sexually abused for ten years during childhood. I created this podcast to bring more awareness to how to heal from abuse and face the future with hope. If you require help and want to speak to someone about your experience, try these resources: National Domestic Violence Hotline National Sexual Assault Hotline National Dating Abuse Hotline Pathways to Safety International National Center for Victims of Crime Casa de Esperanza (Spanish-speaking hotline) National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community National LGBTQ Task Force --â–º Get the full show notes: https://passionstruck.com/heal-from-the-shattering-consequences-of-abuse/ --â–º Subscribe to My Channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/c/JohnRMiles --â–º Subscribe to the podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/passion-struck-with-john-r-miles/id1553279283 *Our Patreon Page: https://www.patreon.com/passionstruck. Thank You to Our Sponsor, Masterworks This episode of Passion Struck with John R. Miles is brought to you by Masterworks, the first platform for buying and selling shares representing an investment in iconic artwork. Invest in Fractional Shares in Art Earn a Return when the Art Sells. Go to https://www.masterworks.io/ and use code PASSION. Passion Struck Podcast Starter Packs New to the show? These Starter Packs are collections of our most popular episodes grouped by topic, and we now have them also on Spotify. To find your old favorites, you can also browse starter packs for existing listeners. Every week, John interviews everyday heroes from all walks of life. Learn how to subscribe to the show and never miss a new episode and topic. Why We Must Heal From the Shattering Consequences of Abuse Like the stories of Kara Robinson Chamberlain, Carrington Smith, and Avremi Zipel, many people go through life with profound, unhealed impairments they’ve suffered from prior traumatic experiences caused by abuse. Abuse is a widespread issue that has touched and still touches many people, both children, and adults. But, you will also hear that victims experience hope following the abuse and rediscover purpose as they recover from it. We will discuss critical aspects of trauma and abuse awareness and, more importantly, dive into five tips for how a victim can pursue healing. 0:00 Announcements and teaser 4:16 Experiencing deep, unhealed consequences of abuse 5:56 The forms of abuse 10:51 Why does abuse happen? 12:21 How common are the consequences of abuse? 13:43 Consequences of abuse on victims 15:14 Dos and don'ts for handling an abusive situation 16:14 Five ways to heal from the consequences of abuse 21:31 Give yourself the time and grace to heal 22:54 Wrap up and synthesis Show Discussion Questions How do people find hope after experiencing the consequences of abuse? How prevalent is abuse in the U.S. and worldwide? Why is abuse never the victims fault? Why should you not bury your emotions around past trauma? What are the different types of abuse? Why is the way we approach our healing and the choices we make so important? What are your key takeaways from today’s episode? How can you apply them to your life? What have you learned about overcoming the consequences of abuse? Show Links Interested in reading the transcript for the episode: https://johnrmiles.com/how-to-heal-the-shattering-consequences-of-abuse/ I interviewed Kara Robinson Chamberlain on how you heal after surviving a kidnapping by a serial killer: https://passionstruck.com/kara-robinson-chamberlain-be-vigilant/ I interviewed Carrington Smith on why defining moments do not define you: https://passionstruck.com/carrington-smith-moments-that-define-us/ I interviewed Dr. David Vago on how to use meditation and mindfulness practice to heal the mind and body: https://passionstruck.com/dr-david-vago-on-self-transcendence/ I interviewed Jesse Gould about using psychedelics to heal past trauma: https://youtu.be/8xUsC5llKyk My solo episode on why micro choices matter: https://passionstruck.com/why-your-micro-choices-determine-your-life/ My solo episode on why you must feel to heal: https://passionstruck.com/why-you-must-feel-to-find-emotional-healing/: My solo episode on the benefits of meditation: https://passionstruck.com/benefits-of-meditation-transforming-mind-body/ Follow John on the Socials: * Twitter: https://twitter.com/Milesjohnr * Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/johnrmiles.c0m * Medium: https://medium.com/@JohnRMiles ​* Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/john_r_miles * LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/milesjohn/ * Blog: https://johnrmiles.com * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast/ * Gear: https://www.zazzle.com/store/passion_struck/ -- John R. Miles is the CEO, and Founder of PASSION STRUCK®, the first of its kind company, focused on impacting real change by teaching people how to live Intentionally. He is on a mission to help people live a no-regrets life that exalts their victories and lets them know they matter in the world. For over two decades, he built his own career applying his research of passion struck leadership, first becoming a Fortune 50 CIO and then a multi-industry CEO. John is also a prolific public speaker, venture capitalist, and author. Passion Struck is a full-service media company that helps people live intentionally by creating best-in-class educational and entertainment content. Â
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Coming up next on the Passion Struck Podcast. Abuse is not something the victim chooses,
but their circumstances after the abuse are their choice. This is not easy, and it's understandable
why some don't get to fully heal. But it's worth every ounce of effort to try.
Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, Jon Armiles, and on the show,
we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you.
Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself.
If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions
on Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guest ranging from
astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries,
and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck.
Hello everyone and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 172 of PassionStruck. Hello everyone and welcome back to Momentum Friday,
an episode 172 of PassionStruck.
And thank you for each and every one of you
who come back weekly to listen and learn,
how to live better, be better, and impact the show.
If you're new to the show, thank you for being here,
or you would like to introduce this to a friend
or family member and we so appreciate it when you do that.
We now have starter packs both on Spotify as well as the PassionStruck website.
And these are collections of our fans' favorite episodes that we put into lists to give any
new listener a great way to get acquainted to our show.
Just go to PassionStruck.com slash starter packs to get started.
In case you missed my interviews from Proler in the week, they featured DJ Vannis, who's an Air Force Academy graduate,
Air Force veteran, internationally claimed speaker
for Fortune 500 companies, hundreds of tribal nations,
and over 7,000 audiences worldwide.
And we discuss his book, which launched earlier this week,
The Warrior Within.
I also interviewed Colin O'Brady yesterday,
who was a 10-time world record-breaking explorer, entrepreneur, author, and expert on mindset.
His feats include the first solo human-powered crossing of Antarctica, as well as the first
human-powered row across the Drake Passage, and we discuss his new book, The 12-Hour Walk.
My solo episode from last week was on taking responsibility for your actions and how you
do it.
Please check them all out.
And I also wanted to acknowledge our fan of the week, Felicity Wheeler, who writes,
your best yet.
I listen to your episode with Cara, Robinson, Chamberlain, twice.
An unbelievable story of survival.
But more importantly, how you grow through it, I never wanted it to end.
I never leave podcast reviews, but after this incredible episode, how could I not?
Felicity, thank you so much for your review, and thank you to all of you for your ratings
and reviews, which go such a long way and helping us
grow the popularity of this show and its rating. Now let's talk about today's episode.
Yesterday I recorded an upcoming episode with Rabbi Evremi Satell. Evremi was sexually abused
over a 10 year period and this is the third interview I've done over the past couple of months
with victims of sexual abuse.
The others included Karington Smith and Kara Robinson, Chamberlain, who I mentioned just a few moments ago.
And I changed my episode that I was going to do this week to this one where I'm going to focus on this topic of abuse
because I think it's something we don't talk about enough.
And today, I want to go into some of the statistics around abuse
that I think you'll find pretty startling.
The different types of abuse that there are,
what causes abuse, the do's endones for handling an abusive situation,
and I'll give you five different ways
that you can approach healing from an abusive situation.
Thank you for choosing PassionStruck
and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey creating an abusive situation. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide
on your journey creating an intentional life.
Now, let that journey begin. [♪ Music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in suffered from previous traumatic experiences, which were caused
by abuse.
If you look up the topic of abuse on the internet, you will find that it's a widespread
issue that has touched and still touches many, many people, both children, as well as adults.
Abuse has been experienced by everyday people and celebrities alike.
Let's just talk about a few of them.
Billionaire, talk show host, Oprah Winrey suffered physical as well as sexual abuse from a cousin
and a family friend growing up. Singer, Christina Agliera, was physically and emotionally
abused by her father during her childhood. Iconic actress Charlize Theron suffered from
an abusive father who often would say that he wanted to kill his entire family.
Film producer Tyler Perry in his youth suffered from physical abuse from his father and sexual abuse from several adults.
Rock legend Ozzy Osborne was sexually molested frequently by two mates while he was in high school and there's so many more examples, unfortunately. The many people we know who've experienced abuse only account for those who have publicly
talked about it.
Imagine how many more stories that we haven't heard.
This shows just how widespread this issue is and why I decided to do this episode to bring
awareness to this topic.
There are numerous adverse effects for those who have yet to heal from the effects of going through this abuse
And it is only after they have healed that they can truly live a wholesome life.
Today's episode is about this need to heal and the necessary steps to take to heal.
Let us now look at what abuse encompasses and how it happens.
In the context of this episode, abuse entails any action done to harm a person
physically, psychologically, or both, which is the case most of the time. It comes in many different
forms, and I'll just go through four of them here. The first is verbal abuse, and we've all heard
the saying, sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt me. It's a common phrase
that expresses indifference to insult or abuse.
But the honest truth is that words can, and most often do hurt. That's why negative words
spoken especially to a child inevitably negatively impact them, causing them to lack confidence in
themselves or even hate themselves. This is why I think author Cassandra Giovanni's tweak of this statement
provides such more realistic perspective. And she writes,
Stixenstones may break my bones, but your words they will destroy me. In fact, a 2001 research study
found that verbal abuse can drastically increase the victim's risk of getting a personality disorder.
Research also shows that it can adversely affect
the development of the brain,
as well as having harmful physical effects on the child
and these effects all grow with them into adulthood.
The second form of abuse is physical abuse.
This involves any harmful activities
which cause a person to feel pain.
It includes kicking, slapping, hitting, biting,
and any other physical act that can injure
the victim, who may develop cuts, bruises, broken bones, and so on.
And physical abuse can also lead to long-term issues.
These chronic issues not only affect the victims mentally, often leading to anxiety and depression,
but can also lead to heart and digestive problems, eating disorders and substance abuse.
The third type of abuse is sexual abuse.
This is another form of physical abuse,
where the victim is violated against their will,
with the perpetrators using force
for taking advantage of the victims.
Studies show that in most cases,
the perpetrators and victims actually know each other.
And aside from the health risk that opposes on victims,
it also has severe negative psychological effects,
which could last a lifetime if they're not dealt with appropriately.
Sexual abuse has actually been linked to the development of psychotic symptoms in abused
children, and it can have such far-reaching impacts on the behaviors of the victims
over the course of their lives.
The fourth type of abuse we're going to go into today is neglect.
And neglect is something that is often not talked about.
It's the ongoing negligence to provide a child's basic needs, and it's the most common form
of child abuse.
A neglected child is often left, famished, or soiled.
Without proper clothing, shelter, supervision, or health care. Neglect can also lead to brain development problems
and leave many victims emotionally, socially,
or psychologically impaired.
We'll be right back to the Passion Struct podcast.
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Now, back to the passionstruck podcast.
So now that we've gone over those
four different types of abuse,
let's go into why abuse happens.
Simply put, abuse occurs when a person decides to take advantage of a week So now that we've gone over those four different types of abuse, let's go into why abuse happens.
Simply put, abuse occurs when a person decides to take advantage
of a weaker individual and treat them in harmful ways.
Let us look at the case of sexual abuse of a child.
According to Joel Castex, who was sexually abused for two years
at the age of 15 by her high school fire director.
The victim is carefully groomed before the abuse occurs.
The child sex predator weeds out the stronger kids
and those that they see with high esteem
because they simply don't want to deal with that.
And instead they go and target what they perceive
are the weaker ones.
The bottom line is the abuser always looks
for the easy victim.
Then they use manipulation, gifts,
spending their time with them,
flattery and attention to fill the holes
in the child's week and suffering self-esteem.
When the abuse is in full force,
they manipulate the victims into thinking
that what's happening is not right,
but love, and they do it to isolate the victims
from their family and friends,
as well as make the abuser the center of their life.
And that is how they create a compliant victim who is too scared to say no, fight back, leave,
and often they become just too afraid to report.
By the time the abuse is over, the victims are wounded, broken, scared, and most often
alone.
Whichever way abuse happens, the important thing to remember is that it is never the victims fault.
And that is why victim blaming is so dangerous because it marginalizes the victim and makes it so much harder for them to come forward.
The bottom line is abuse is a deliberate choice which is made by the perpetrator.
So next I'm going to go into how common actually is abuse. And I think these
statistics are going to startle you if you've not heard them before. Statistically it's estimated
that one out of four girls and one out of six boys will be sexually molested in their lifetime.
Child protective services received 676,000 reports of individuals experiencing abuse or neglect in the United States in 2016.
According to the National Statistics, domestic violence fact sheet in the United States, almost
20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner.
If you consider this over a year's time, it equates to over 10 million men and women.
Additionally, one in four women and one in nine men experience severe, intimate partner,
physical abuse, sexual violence, or stalking. And according to the World Health Organization,
one in five women and one in 13 men will report being sexually abused between the ages of 0 and 17. Child abuse is a serious
problem that has resulted in 1,849 fatalities in the US and 2019 alone. And according to the
Bureau of Justice Statistics, a person is abused in the United States every 9 seconds. So those
are some pretty startling statistics. And so you might be asking, what are the possible influences on the abuser?
Abuse is obviously an abnormal as well as an unacceptable behavior.
Leaving us to wonder why it even happens in the first place, as well as why is it so common?
Sometimes the abuse is partly caused by issues that the parents, caregivers, spouse, partner, friend, family member are going through,
which also must be addressed.
These could be financial stress, unemployment,
mental health issues, substance abuse, or alcoholism,
as well as they too could have been abused
when they were younger.
An abused child is like clear to harm others
when they're an adult, resulting in violence being passed
down from one generation to another.
It is thus vital to break this cycle of violence to avoid harmful multi-generational effects.
This is not in any way to make excuses for the abuser, but to properly understand where this behavior originates, as's go over some of the effects of abuse on victims. As I mentioned at the beginning,
abuse often results in both physical and psychological effects
and most often, both of them occur.
Here are some of the most common side effects
that are often seen.
Victims experience loistime.
They constantly feel fear.
They have increased anxiety disorder
as well as social withdrawal.
They end up hurting people who love them.
They make poor decisions with relationships.
They are inclined towards alcoholism and substance abuse
as a means of coping,
and those are just the tip of the iceberg.
So now that we've gone over some of those effects,
what are the dos and dons
if you're experiencing an abusive situation?
Dealing with abuse is most often a traumatic experience.
Any type of abuse is a severe infraction and must be dealt with correctly.
Here are just a few do's and don'ts for handling one of these situations.
We'll start out with the do's.
If you're in immediate danger, call 911.
It's important to find a therapist or someone that you can talk to to help express what
is going on.
If you can't find a therapist, reach out to a hotline or a local support organization.
It's so important to bolster your support network with people who care for you.
Attempt to keep any exchanges that you have with the abuser to public places only.
You should reflect on why you are keeping an association with the person who is causing you abuse.
And as far as the don'ts, don't encourage or belittle little the abuser. Don't respond by lashing out and anger.
Because this can lead to escalating the situation. Don't try to pacify or reason with them and don't engage with them when you're alone.
Now we're going to get to the main point of today's episode, which is how to tackle and heal from abuse.
Here are just five ways that you can approach it. The first is to choose not to stay a victim. The power of choice can never be overemphasized.
Abuse is not something that the victim chooses,
but the circumstances after their abuse are their choice.
This is not easy and it's understandable
why some don't get to fully heal,
but it's worth every effort to try.
Kara Robinson-Chammerline discussed this
in our interview when she said,
I think the biggest takeaway is that we all go through difficult things and we get to decide
after something challenging what we take from that situation and how we choose to move forward.
I do not choose to let that person continue to control me by defining me by what decisions he made.
So I choose to be refined by what happened. I choose to take
on the things that only make me stronger from that situation. And that is something that
is within everyone's power when you go through difficult things to choose the parts that
make you stronger. No, that you can't change the past, but you have to make peace with it
so that you will be able to heal. So take that intentional and conscious choice to move on from your past trauma so you can step into the blissful future ahead.
The second way that you can approach healing from abuse is by not shutting out your emotions.
There is often a tendency for a person who is experiencing or who has experienced
abuse to deny its existence and bury it deep within themselves. This behavior prevents them from appropriately processing the trauma and thereby getting
onto the pathway of healing.
In a previous episode, if you want to learn more about this, I talked about how to deal
with your pains and healthy ways in order to find emotional healing.
And I'll put a link to that in the show notes.
Karen T. Smith expressed the need for this emotional healing and ways that she approached
it very well in our interview.
And she said, you're choosing joy.
At every moment, you have a choice about what I will do with this.
Choosing kindness over anger, choosing empathy, it's choosing humor.
That's one of the most for me.
I always try to choose humor because I can find humor in almost anything. And maybe it's a little twisted, but it's been an excellent tool for me. I always try to choose humor because I can find humor in almost anything. And maybe
it's a little twisted, but it's been an excellent tool for me when something I go through really
sucks. If I can make it funny, it's so much better. It just helps at least when you're going through
it. By learning to be emotionally vulnerable and letting out your emotions, for example, crying
when you need to, you will be able to deal with them more properly, rather than giving in to harmful habits, substance abuse, or alcoholism as a means
to cope. Third, find a professional that suits you. Do your diligent research to find a trusted
therapist that can adequately listen to you and be of help. Make sure that you're clear about what
you want from that therapy. By doing this, you will be able to get treatment that's tailored to your unique needs and your personality,
as there are different methods for each person. So I'm going to give you some of the most
common forms of therapy for abuse and trauma victims. The first is cognitive behavioral
therapy, and underneath that, cognitive processing therapy. Both are some of the most common used
octherapy ways to deal with abuse-related issues. And both of these try to improve the relationship
between mind and body and try to tackle the stuck points that you feel are holding you back
from healing from the experience that you went through. There are also several other things you can do, such as prolonged exposure therapy,
and there's a whole new evolution of treatments involving psychedelic drugs, including MDMA,
psilocybin, ketamine, and many other forms of treatment. And I covered a lot of these in a
previous episode that I did with Jesse Kool, who is the director of the Heroic Hearts Foundation, as well as Dr. David
Yaden, who's a professor at Johns Hopkins in their Center for Psychedelic Therapy and Research.
The fourth way that you can heal from abuse is to get involved with biofeedback therapy,
which is a non-invasive treatment option where patients learn how to control their heart rate,
muscle tension, blood pressure, and more. Typically, they're connected with electrodes, which are then monitored by the therapist who are giving
the treatments. Through trial and error, patients learn relaxation methods, and which ones
work best for them. Studies have shown that this method works best as an intermediate
state, often before psychotherapy, and it can be very effective at complementing and making
other methods work even more.
Fifth, practice meditation and breathing exercises. Meditation is something that I just covered in a
solo episode just a few weeks ago and it's a topic that we brought up here on the Passion
Stork podcast many times. A great episode to check out on it is also the one I did with Dr. David
Vago, a professor, and Vanderbilt who is the foremost expert on meditation
and mindfulness.
And I know either of these can seem like a simple fix,
but they provide substantial relief to those
who are trying to recover from abuse, PTSD,
as well as anxiety.
Although meditation might not provide the same level
of treatment as you might get from a professional therapist,
it is often a great place to start, especially if you're not yet ready for therapy or you lack the financial means to fuel consistent therapy sessions.
I've covered a lot today and I wanted to say that the purpose of today's episode was to provide awareness around this whole topic of abuse, abuse. Also, some tips for you on how to handle an abusive situation and heal from it. The most
important thing I wanted to convey is to give yourself the time and grace to find yourself
again after abuse because it's a natural tendency to downplay the effects of abuse. And often,
as we know, victims beat themselves up, either for not healing more quickly or for burying the trauma
that's been experienced
from an abusive situation.
Because their abusers have conditioned them to blame themselves.
This abuse issue is so vitally important.
And healing from its effect, I know, can be long and challenging, but it's always worth
the effort and no two forms of healing are the same.
And that's why there is no time limit on recovery. It's about
taking one small step at a time and making that conscious and intentional choice to heal. You
might not have been a victim yourself if you're listening to this, but you might know someone who has
share this episode with them if you think that it will help them offer your support in any capacity
that you can because you will be doing the good work of helping them heal. And if you want or need
to speak to someone immediately about any abuse of situation that you might be going through,
I will put a number of resources in the show notes. I know today's episode was a difficult one
for me to cover. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and especially those who have
listened. Thank you all so much. A link to the transcript will be in the show notes.
You can find the video on YouTube
where we now have over a million views
and over 360 videos.
Advertiser deals and discount codes
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I'm at John Armiles, both on Twitter and Instagram
and you can also find
me on LinkedIn. You're about to hear a preview of the PassionStruck podcast interview I did with Dr.
Valerie Young, who is the co-founder of the imposter syndrome and the foremost expert in the world
on the subject. She is the author of the secret thoughts of successful women, why capable people
suffer from imposter syndrome and how to thrive in spite of it.
Do you want to work for yourself? Do you want to work for other people? Do you want to be
in a team? Do you want to work outside inside? Do you want to work in different parts of
the country or the world at different times of the year? Do you want summers off? When
you think of that that way, you figure out what do you want your life to look like.
Then you come up with ways to generate income that's going to allow you to have as much of that life as possible.
Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share this show with those you love. And if you found
this episode useful, please share it with someone else you can use this advice, especially if they're
going through any form of abuse. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time. Remember, live life, passion struck.
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