Passion Struck with John R. Miles - 5 Ways to Heal From the Shattering Consequences of Abuse w/ John R. Miles EP 172

Starting point is 00:00:00 Coming up next on the Passion Struck Podcast. Abuse is not something the victim chooses, but their circumstances after the abuse are their choice. This is not easy, and it's understandable why some don't get to fully heal. But it's worth every ounce of effort to try. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, Jon Armiles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guest ranging from

Starting point is 00:00:50 astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello everyone and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 172 of PassionStruck. Hello everyone and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 172 of PassionStruck. And thank you for each and every one of you who come back weekly to listen and learn, how to live better, be better, and impact the show. If you're new to the show, thank you for being here,

Starting point is 00:01:18 or you would like to introduce this to a friend or family member and we so appreciate it when you do that. We now have starter packs both on Spotify as well as the PassionStruck website. And these are collections of our fans' favorite episodes that we put into lists to give any new listener a great way to get acquainted to our show. Just go to PassionStruck.com slash starter packs to get started. In case you missed my interviews from Proler in the week, they featured DJ Vannis, who's an Air Force Academy graduate, Air Force veteran, internationally claimed speaker

Starting point is 00:01:51 for Fortune 500 companies, hundreds of tribal nations, and over 7,000 audiences worldwide. And we discuss his book, which launched earlier this week, The Warrior Within. I also interviewed Colin O'Brady yesterday, who was a 10-time world record-breaking explorer, entrepreneur, author, and expert on mindset. His feats include the first solo human-powered crossing of Antarctica, as well as the first human-powered row across the Drake Passage, and we discuss his new book, The 12-Hour Walk.

Starting point is 00:02:26 My solo episode from last week was on taking responsibility for your actions and how you do it. Please check them all out. And I also wanted to acknowledge our fan of the week, Felicity Wheeler, who writes, your best yet. I listen to your episode with Cara, Robinson, Chamberlain, twice. An unbelievable story of survival. But more importantly, how you grow through it, I never wanted it to end.

Starting point is 00:02:51 I never leave podcast reviews, but after this incredible episode, how could I not? Felicity, thank you so much for your review, and thank you to all of you for your ratings and reviews, which go such a long way and helping us grow the popularity of this show and its rating. Now let's talk about today's episode. Yesterday I recorded an upcoming episode with Rabbi Evremi Satell. Evremi was sexually abused over a 10 year period and this is the third interview I've done over the past couple of months with victims of sexual abuse. The others included Karington Smith and Kara Robinson, Chamberlain, who I mentioned just a few moments ago.

Starting point is 00:03:32 And I changed my episode that I was going to do this week to this one where I'm going to focus on this topic of abuse because I think it's something we don't talk about enough. And today, I want to go into some of the statistics around abuse that I think you'll find pretty startling. The different types of abuse that there are, what causes abuse, the do's endones for handling an abusive situation, and I'll give you five different ways that you can approach healing from an abusive situation.

Starting point is 00:04:02 Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey creating an abusive situation. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin. [♪ Music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in suffered from previous traumatic experiences, which were caused by abuse. If you look up the topic of abuse on the internet, you will find that it's a widespread issue that has touched and still touches many, many people, both children, as well as adults. Abuse has been experienced by everyday people and celebrities alike.

Starting point is 00:04:42 Let's just talk about a few of them. Billionaire, talk show host, Oprah Winrey suffered physical as well as sexual abuse from a cousin and a family friend growing up. Singer, Christina Agliera, was physically and emotionally abused by her father during her childhood. Iconic actress Charlize Theron suffered from an abusive father who often would say that he wanted to kill his entire family. Film producer Tyler Perry in his youth suffered from physical abuse from his father and sexual abuse from several adults. Rock legend Ozzy Osborne was sexually molested frequently by two mates while he was in high school and there's so many more examples, unfortunately. The many people we know who've experienced abuse only account for those who have publicly talked about it.

Starting point is 00:05:29 Imagine how many more stories that we haven't heard. This shows just how widespread this issue is and why I decided to do this episode to bring awareness to this topic. There are numerous adverse effects for those who have yet to heal from the effects of going through this abuse And it is only after they have healed that they can truly live a wholesome life. Today's episode is about this need to heal and the necessary steps to take to heal. Let us now look at what abuse encompasses and how it happens. In the context of this episode, abuse entails any action done to harm a person

Starting point is 00:06:06 physically, psychologically, or both, which is the case most of the time. It comes in many different forms, and I'll just go through four of them here. The first is verbal abuse, and we've all heard the saying, sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt me. It's a common phrase that expresses indifference to insult or abuse. But the honest truth is that words can, and most often do hurt. That's why negative words spoken especially to a child inevitably negatively impact them, causing them to lack confidence in themselves or even hate themselves. This is why I think author Cassandra Giovanni's tweak of this statement provides such more realistic perspective. And she writes,

Starting point is 00:06:49 Stixenstones may break my bones, but your words they will destroy me. In fact, a 2001 research study found that verbal abuse can drastically increase the victim's risk of getting a personality disorder. Research also shows that it can adversely affect the development of the brain, as well as having harmful physical effects on the child and these effects all grow with them into adulthood. The second form of abuse is physical abuse. This involves any harmful activities

Starting point is 00:07:17 which cause a person to feel pain. It includes kicking, slapping, hitting, biting, and any other physical act that can injure the victim, who may develop cuts, bruises, broken bones, and so on. And physical abuse can also lead to long-term issues. These chronic issues not only affect the victims mentally, often leading to anxiety and depression, but can also lead to heart and digestive problems, eating disorders and substance abuse. The third type of abuse is sexual abuse.

Starting point is 00:07:46 This is another form of physical abuse, where the victim is violated against their will, with the perpetrators using force for taking advantage of the victims. Studies show that in most cases, the perpetrators and victims actually know each other. And aside from the health risk that opposes on victims, it also has severe negative psychological effects,

Starting point is 00:08:05 which could last a lifetime if they're not dealt with appropriately. Sexual abuse has actually been linked to the development of psychotic symptoms in abused children, and it can have such far-reaching impacts on the behaviors of the victims over the course of their lives. The fourth type of abuse we're going to go into today is neglect. And neglect is something that is often not talked about. It's the ongoing negligence to provide a child's basic needs, and it's the most common form of child abuse.

Starting point is 00:08:35 A neglected child is often left, famished, or soiled. Without proper clothing, shelter, supervision, or health care. Neglect can also lead to brain development problems and leave many victims emotionally, socially, or psychologically impaired. We'll be right back to the Passion Struct podcast. Whenever I talk to my listeners, one thing always comes up, money. They don't want to have to worry about inflation,

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Starting point is 00:10:36 Now, back to the passionstruck podcast. So now that we've gone over those four different types of abuse, let's go into why abuse happens. Simply put, abuse occurs when a person decides to take advantage of a week So now that we've gone over those four different types of abuse, let's go into why abuse happens. Simply put, abuse occurs when a person decides to take advantage of a weaker individual and treat them in harmful ways. Let us look at the case of sexual abuse of a child.

Starting point is 00:10:55 According to Joel Castex, who was sexually abused for two years at the age of 15 by her high school fire director. The victim is carefully groomed before the abuse occurs. The child sex predator weeds out the stronger kids and those that they see with high esteem because they simply don't want to deal with that. And instead they go and target what they perceive are the weaker ones.

Starting point is 00:11:17 The bottom line is the abuser always looks for the easy victim. Then they use manipulation, gifts, spending their time with them, flattery and attention to fill the holes in the child's week and suffering self-esteem. When the abuse is in full force, they manipulate the victims into thinking

Starting point is 00:11:34 that what's happening is not right, but love, and they do it to isolate the victims from their family and friends, as well as make the abuser the center of their life. And that is how they create a compliant victim who is too scared to say no, fight back, leave, and often they become just too afraid to report. By the time the abuse is over, the victims are wounded, broken, scared, and most often alone.

Starting point is 00:12:00 Whichever way abuse happens, the important thing to remember is that it is never the victims fault. And that is why victim blaming is so dangerous because it marginalizes the victim and makes it so much harder for them to come forward. The bottom line is abuse is a deliberate choice which is made by the perpetrator. So next I'm going to go into how common actually is abuse. And I think these statistics are going to startle you if you've not heard them before. Statistically it's estimated that one out of four girls and one out of six boys will be sexually molested in their lifetime. Child protective services received 676,000 reports of individuals experiencing abuse or neglect in the United States in 2016. According to the National Statistics, domestic violence fact sheet in the United States, almost

Starting point is 00:12:56 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner. If you consider this over a year's time, it equates to over 10 million men and women. Additionally, one in four women and one in nine men experience severe, intimate partner, physical abuse, sexual violence, or stalking. And according to the World Health Organization, one in five women and one in 13 men will report being sexually abused between the ages of 0 and 17. Child abuse is a serious problem that has resulted in 1,849 fatalities in the US and 2019 alone. And according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, a person is abused in the United States every 9 seconds. So those are some pretty startling statistics. And so you might be asking, what are the possible influences on the abuser?

Starting point is 00:13:48 Abuse is obviously an abnormal as well as an unacceptable behavior. Leaving us to wonder why it even happens in the first place, as well as why is it so common? Sometimes the abuse is partly caused by issues that the parents, caregivers, spouse, partner, friend, family member are going through, which also must be addressed. These could be financial stress, unemployment, mental health issues, substance abuse, or alcoholism, as well as they too could have been abused when they were younger.

Starting point is 00:14:17 An abused child is like clear to harm others when they're an adult, resulting in violence being passed down from one generation to another. It is thus vital to break this cycle of violence to avoid harmful multi-generational effects. This is not in any way to make excuses for the abuser, but to properly understand where this behavior originates, as's go over some of the effects of abuse on victims. As I mentioned at the beginning, abuse often results in both physical and psychological effects and most often, both of them occur. Here are some of the most common side effects

Starting point is 00:14:54 that are often seen. Victims experience loistime. They constantly feel fear. They have increased anxiety disorder as well as social withdrawal. They end up hurting people who love them. They make poor decisions with relationships. They are inclined towards alcoholism and substance abuse

Starting point is 00:15:11 as a means of coping, and those are just the tip of the iceberg. So now that we've gone over some of those effects, what are the dos and dons if you're experiencing an abusive situation? Dealing with abuse is most often a traumatic experience. Any type of abuse is a severe infraction and must be dealt with correctly. Here are just a few do's and don'ts for handling one of these situations.

Starting point is 00:15:31 We'll start out with the do's. If you're in immediate danger, call 911. It's important to find a therapist or someone that you can talk to to help express what is going on. If you can't find a therapist, reach out to a hotline or a local support organization. It's so important to bolster your support network with people who care for you. Attempt to keep any exchanges that you have with the abuser to public places only. You should reflect on why you are keeping an association with the person who is causing you abuse.

Starting point is 00:16:01 And as far as the don'ts, don't encourage or belittle little the abuser. Don't respond by lashing out and anger. Because this can lead to escalating the situation. Don't try to pacify or reason with them and don't engage with them when you're alone. Now we're going to get to the main point of today's episode, which is how to tackle and heal from abuse. Here are just five ways that you can approach it. The first is to choose not to stay a victim. The power of choice can never be overemphasized. Abuse is not something that the victim chooses, but the circumstances after their abuse are their choice. This is not easy and it's understandable why some don't get to fully heal,

Starting point is 00:16:39 but it's worth every effort to try. Kara Robinson-Chammerline discussed this in our interview when she said, I think the biggest takeaway is that we all go through difficult things and we get to decide after something challenging what we take from that situation and how we choose to move forward. I do not choose to let that person continue to control me by defining me by what decisions he made. So I choose to be refined by what happened. I choose to take on the things that only make me stronger from that situation. And that is something that

Starting point is 00:17:10 is within everyone's power when you go through difficult things to choose the parts that make you stronger. No, that you can't change the past, but you have to make peace with it so that you will be able to heal. So take that intentional and conscious choice to move on from your past trauma so you can step into the blissful future ahead. The second way that you can approach healing from abuse is by not shutting out your emotions. There is often a tendency for a person who is experiencing or who has experienced abuse to deny its existence and bury it deep within themselves. This behavior prevents them from appropriately processing the trauma and thereby getting onto the pathway of healing. In a previous episode, if you want to learn more about this, I talked about how to deal

Starting point is 00:17:55 with your pains and healthy ways in order to find emotional healing. And I'll put a link to that in the show notes. Karen T. Smith expressed the need for this emotional healing and ways that she approached it very well in our interview. And she said, you're choosing joy. At every moment, you have a choice about what I will do with this. Choosing kindness over anger, choosing empathy, it's choosing humor. That's one of the most for me.

Starting point is 00:18:20 I always try to choose humor because I can find humor in almost anything. And maybe it's a little twisted, but it's been an excellent tool for me. I always try to choose humor because I can find humor in almost anything. And maybe it's a little twisted, but it's been an excellent tool for me when something I go through really sucks. If I can make it funny, it's so much better. It just helps at least when you're going through it. By learning to be emotionally vulnerable and letting out your emotions, for example, crying when you need to, you will be able to deal with them more properly, rather than giving in to harmful habits, substance abuse, or alcoholism as a means to cope. Third, find a professional that suits you. Do your diligent research to find a trusted therapist that can adequately listen to you and be of help. Make sure that you're clear about what you want from that therapy. By doing this, you will be able to get treatment that's tailored to your unique needs and your personality,

Starting point is 00:19:09 as there are different methods for each person. So I'm going to give you some of the most common forms of therapy for abuse and trauma victims. The first is cognitive behavioral therapy, and underneath that, cognitive processing therapy. Both are some of the most common used octherapy ways to deal with abuse-related issues. And both of these try to improve the relationship between mind and body and try to tackle the stuck points that you feel are holding you back from healing from the experience that you went through. There are also several other things you can do, such as prolonged exposure therapy, and there's a whole new evolution of treatments involving psychedelic drugs, including MDMA, psilocybin, ketamine, and many other forms of treatment. And I covered a lot of these in a

Starting point is 00:19:58 previous episode that I did with Jesse Kool, who is the director of the Heroic Hearts Foundation, as well as Dr. David Yaden, who's a professor at Johns Hopkins in their Center for Psychedelic Therapy and Research. The fourth way that you can heal from abuse is to get involved with biofeedback therapy, which is a non-invasive treatment option where patients learn how to control their heart rate, muscle tension, blood pressure, and more. Typically, they're connected with electrodes, which are then monitored by the therapist who are giving the treatments. Through trial and error, patients learn relaxation methods, and which ones work best for them. Studies have shown that this method works best as an intermediate state, often before psychotherapy, and it can be very effective at complementing and making

Starting point is 00:20:43 other methods work even more. Fifth, practice meditation and breathing exercises. Meditation is something that I just covered in a solo episode just a few weeks ago and it's a topic that we brought up here on the Passion Stork podcast many times. A great episode to check out on it is also the one I did with Dr. David Vago, a professor, and Vanderbilt who is the foremost expert on meditation and mindfulness. And I know either of these can seem like a simple fix, but they provide substantial relief to those

Starting point is 00:21:13 who are trying to recover from abuse, PTSD, as well as anxiety. Although meditation might not provide the same level of treatment as you might get from a professional therapist, it is often a great place to start, especially if you're not yet ready for therapy or you lack the financial means to fuel consistent therapy sessions. I've covered a lot today and I wanted to say that the purpose of today's episode was to provide awareness around this whole topic of abuse, abuse. Also, some tips for you on how to handle an abusive situation and heal from it. The most important thing I wanted to convey is to give yourself the time and grace to find yourself again after abuse because it's a natural tendency to downplay the effects of abuse. And often,

Starting point is 00:21:57 as we know, victims beat themselves up, either for not healing more quickly or for burying the trauma that's been experienced from an abusive situation. Because their abusers have conditioned them to blame themselves. This abuse issue is so vitally important. And healing from its effect, I know, can be long and challenging, but it's always worth the effort and no two forms of healing are the same. And that's why there is no time limit on recovery. It's about

Starting point is 00:22:25 taking one small step at a time and making that conscious and intentional choice to heal. You might not have been a victim yourself if you're listening to this, but you might know someone who has share this episode with them if you think that it will help them offer your support in any capacity that you can because you will be doing the good work of helping them heal. And if you want or need to speak to someone immediately about any abuse of situation that you might be going through, I will put a number of resources in the show notes. I know today's episode was a difficult one for me to cover. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and especially those who have listened. Thank you all so much. A link to the transcript will be in the show notes.

Starting point is 00:23:05 You can find the video on YouTube where we now have over a million views and over 360 videos. Advertiser deals and discount codes are all in one convenient place at passionstruck.com slash deals. Please support those who support this show and make it free for you, our listener. I'm at John Armiles, both on Twitter and Instagram

Starting point is 00:23:24 and you can also find me on LinkedIn. You're about to hear a preview of the PassionStruck podcast interview I did with Dr. Valerie Young, who is the co-founder of the imposter syndrome and the foremost expert in the world on the subject. She is the author of the secret thoughts of successful women, why capable people suffer from imposter syndrome and how to thrive in spite of it. Do you want to work for yourself? Do you want to work for other people? Do you want to be in a team? Do you want to work outside inside? Do you want to work in different parts of the country or the world at different times of the year? Do you want summers off? When

Starting point is 00:23:58 you think of that that way, you figure out what do you want your life to look like. Then you come up with ways to generate income that's going to allow you to have as much of that life as possible. Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share this show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with someone else you can use this advice, especially if they're going through any form of abuse. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time. Remember, live life, passion struck. you

Passion Struck with John R. Miles - 5 Ways to Heal From the Shattering Consequences of Abuse w/ John R. Miles EP 172

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