Passion Struck with John R. Miles - 7 Ways to Stop Playing the Victim to Your Circumstances w/ John R. Miles EP 229

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

Too often, we allow our psyche to control our lives. We become prisoners of our own minds and victims of our own circumstances. In this episode, John shares an important message about six ways to recognize we are playing the victim and seven steps to overcome our victim mentality and live intentionally. What I Discuss About Playing the Victim By nature, nobody is a victim. Playing the victim is not a psychological feature but rather a learned behavior. Most of the time, those with victim mentalities go through trauma or difficult situations without developing better-coping skills. In fact, this is referred described by psychologists as "learned helplessness," a condition in which people who have experienced terrible events feel helpless to get out of their predicament. Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://passionstruck.com/7-ways-to-stop-playing-the-victim/  Brought to you by POM Wonderful, MasterClass, and Omaha Steaks. --► For information about advertisers and promo codes, go to: https://passionstruck.com/deals/  --► Prefer to watch this interview: https://youtu.be/8Ol9ZcS-CY4  Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter or Instagram handle so we can thank you personally! --► Subscribe to Our YouTube Channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/c/JohnRMiles Want to find your purpose in life? I provide my six simple steps to achieving it - passionstruck.com/5-simple-steps-to-find-your-passion-in-life/ Did you hear my interview with Robin Sharma, one of the top personal mastery and leadership coaches in the world and a multiple-time number-one New York Times best-selling author? Catch up with episode 209: Robin Sharma on Why Changing the World Starts by Changing Ourselves ===== FOLLOW ON THE SOCIALS ===== * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast * Gear: https://www.zazzle.com/store/passion_sruck_podcast Learn more about John: https://johnrmiles.com/ 

Coming up next on the Passion Struck Podcast, you can choose to continue blaming someone else for something that they did to you in the past. But it's not going to make anything different. You must first forgive whatever contributed to your victim's mindset before you can release yourself from it, whether that be a romantic connection, an actual unforeseen circumstance, or even your own deeds. By letting go of the past, you will be able to concentrate on the present and future and be motivated to take the required steps to create your ideal life. Welcome to PassionStruck. Hi, I'm your host, John Armiles, and on the show,

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to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello everyone and welcome back to Momentum Friday, in episode 229 of PassionStruck, which was recently ranked this week by Interview Valet, is one of the 20 best podcasts for business and mindset. And thank you to each and every one of the 20 best podcasts for business and mindset. And thank you to each and every one of you, Comeback Weekly, listen and learn how to live better, be better, and impact the world.

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Every day bad things could happen to you or to someone that you know. However, some people insist that it was never their fault. They contend that they are powerless to influence the challenging circumstances and issues that they may face. They simply experience it every time. And as a result, they develop a victim mentality, where they feel like they don't have any control over what happens to them. Someone who behaves in a victimizing manner assumes that other people or things are to blame for their misfortunes. Their spouse, relatives, coworkers, friends, or the way of the world might be to blame.

They frequently lament the unfortunate events in their lives. They refuse to accept personal responsibility and argue that they have no influence over the situation. Instead, they allow their minds to just believe that life happens to them. This mentality inevitably keeps them in a vicious cycle of unpleasant experiences

and prevents them from taking responsibility for their lives. Victim mentality is a very real condition that significantly impacts a person's thoughts and ultimately their quality of life. In this episode, I'll explore the concept of victim mentality. How you develop it, how to spot it in oneself and others, and offer seven strategies for overcoming it. Let's now examine the psychology of the victim mindset and the effects of overcoming it using the narrative of a person that I'll refer to as the foreigner. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide and your journey

to creating an intentional life now. Let that journey begin. [♪ Music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background his fellow citizens were happily employed. This young man believed that the only way that he could get his corporate dream job and become successful was to move to a developed country, where he perceived that everything was perfect and would favor him. So he gathered money, made all the necessary arrangements, and traveled to a distant land. After settling in the new country, he began to apply for his dream job, but was consistently rejected. The young man began to attribute his rejections to discrimination, because of his race and a status as a foreigner. He ran into one of his fellow countrymen who told him how people like them were segregated and mistreated.

Although this young man had not experienced segregation or mistreatment, he internalized his countryman's words. He ignored the fact that he lacked adequate qualification to get the desired jobs that he wanted and wasn't doing anything to improve where he stood. Then one day he was on a public bus where he got another email rejection and he screamed out loud, they keep rejecting me because of my race. They hate me and he burst into tears. At that moment an elderly man who was sitting next to him tried to comfort him and asked him what his problem was. After the foreigner continued to narrate his views of consistently being rejected because of his race, the elderly man asked him a straightforward question.

Do you think you have the required qualifications for the jobs that you're applying for? Upon hearing the question, the young man paused, and for the first time, realized he didn't have exactly what it took to get into the desired positions that he wanted. The elderly man then advised him to take responsibility for his life and do whatever was necessary to get the job, rather than blaming his rejection on an unfounded hatred for him. The foreigner listened and ultimately took the elderly man's advice. As time passed, he started to make daily choices, to focus on overcoming his victim mindset, and he learned to be responsible for himself. He worked on his attitude, he took

new courses, to boost his qualifications. He again applied for his dream positions, and although he still got some email rejections, he finally landed the job that he had so longed for. He worked diligently for this company, to be free from his limiting belief that he was so long for. He worked diligently for this company to be free from his limiting belief that he was a target of victimization because of his race, and as time went by, he got promoted and even went on to attain a senior management position. The foreigner had finally unlearned his victim mentality. So this begs the question, how do you develop a victim mentality? Nobody is a victim by birth. Victim mentality is a top behavior, not a psychological trait. People with victim mentalities frequently go through trauma or difficult times without

learning more effective coping mechanisms. In fact, psychologists refer to this as learned helplessness. A condition in which victims of traumatic events believe that they are perilous to escape their situation. They consistently have a pessimistic outlook and believe that they are powerless to escape their situation. They consistently have a pessimistic outlook and believe that they have little control over their circumstances. They have little to know sense of responsibility for their lives because they don't think anything is their fault. It merely occurs to them. Then it gradually becomes their default state of mind. The victim mindset is based on three fundamental ideas. Whatever I do, bad things happen to me. Other people are to blame for bad things, not me.

There is no use attempting to change what occurs because I cannot. Victim-minded people frequently assume that everyone where at least certain people are working against them. They feel hopeless and powerless over their own life and are aware that they are inferior on a deep level and do not value themselves. So why do we then use victimization as a coping mechanism? Constantly believing that you

are a victim is a habit that you develop over time. It's something that you learn to do and with time get comfortable with. It's simply settling for excuses in the easy path rather than dealing with challenges. Because they are so afraid of what lies beyond their reach, victims choose to remain in a frame of mind that rationalizes away their misfortunes. Failures and difficulties experienced never appear to be under the victim's control, but are instead attributed to circumstances

outside of their control. According to spiritual teacher and self-help author, Eckert toll, the memory of what happened to a victim mentality person is not perceived as just what happened to them, but who they are. They shift from believing this was done to me, to believing I am a victim of this, and they end up staying that way throughout their lives. The word excuse is crucial in comprehending the victim mentality. A person with a victim personality will have an arsenal of excuses that they use to meet any situation. They are extraordinarily inventive and imaginative in creating excuses or rationalizations for failures.

Because they intentionally do not want to fail, they make excuses. They become accustomed to not owning up to their faults, though. Due to their rigorous training and psychological indoctrination to find reasons to justify every failure. After the excuse, the next phase is blaming. In victim mentality, people frequently blame others for their errors, troubles, or failures. Some victims even accuse others of making their entire life a disaster. So how do you know if you have victim mentality? So far, we have discussed the factors and behaviors that drive a person to have victim mentality.

Being dissatisfied in some areas of your life is common. However, it's crucial to consider the broader picture. You may have a victim mentality. If you observe recurring patterns in various aspects of your life, identifying and acknowledging an issue is the first step in solving it. To determine whether you could have developed a victim mentality, look for these symptoms

in yourself. The first is avoiding responsibility. People with a victim mindset often make excuses. Place blame elsewhere and generally avoid facing their situation squarely. They are passive about life, and ignore that they might even contribute to their adverse conditions. A second is feeling helpless and powerless,

because victim-minded people never take responsibility for getting out of their discreshing situations. They believe that there's not anything that they can do to end their misery and therefore remain in a constant state of helplessness. This leads to continuous suffering on their part and with time, getting used to a mindset that accommodates needless suffering. Next is possessing a lack of confidence.

When somebody repeatedly feels helpless, they lose faith in their capacity to accomplish anything and frequently experience issues with self-confidence and self-worth. These people might believe things like, I'm not smart enough to succeed, I'm not capable of accomplishing great things, or I'm not good enough to get a promotion. This perspective of themselves could prevent people from improving their capabilities or discovering new strengths and talents that might aid them in achieving their objectives. Next we have harboring anger and resentment. Because they see life, or people, as solely responsible for whatever challenges they go through, people with a victim's mindset develop anger towards life

and others. They feel helpless about their circumstances improving over time. Sadden when they think their loved ones don't care, and resentful of others who appear happy or content. They are irritated and angry with a world that seems to be constantly against them. The next factor is becoming complacent and indifferent. Victed-minded persons feel that their difficulties are predestined, and there is nothing that they can say or do to halt or prevent them, since they are not accustomed to accepting responsibility for their lives. Because of this, people with a victim's mindset merely exist and go through the motions of life without contributing anything useful to themselves or the world in which they live. They obsess

about unpleasant circumstances, but show no real interest in resolving them. And the last sign that you may have a victim mentality is experiencing despair. The feel of despair happens to a person who has lost all hope of things getting better. For one with a victim mentality, this feeling builds over time when they expect things to go wrong and this is a constant state of mind that clouds their ability to look to the possibilities of positive things happening to them. We'll be right back to the PassionStrike podcast. This episode is also brought to you by Masterclass. With Masterclass, you can learn from the world's best minds anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can learn how to become a

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that you all have been great to our sponsors, because they're the ones that keep the show going as well. You can check out all the sponsors at passionstruck.com slash deals. You'll find all the codes in URLs, all those things are there. So please consider supporting those who support the show now back to the passionstruck podcast. So now that we've discussed symptoms of how you can spot victim mentality in yourself or others, let's now discuss seven ways that you can break away from victim mentality.

Being a victim is a learned trait. In other words, it's not a trait that you're born with as I discussed earlier. You acquire it through social interaction. It could have developed due to trauma or through learning it from family members. You have the ability to conquer it, start by caring out these helpful seven steps. The first thing you need to do is to forgive your past. You can choose to continue blaming someone for anything that they did to you in the past, but it won't make anything different. You must first forgive whatever contributed

to your previous victim mindset before you can release yourself from it, whether it be a romantic connection, an actual unforeseen circumstance, or even your own deeds. By letting go of the past, you will be able to concentrate on the present and the future, and be motivated to take the required steps to realize your ideal life. Next, a firm self-responsibility. In a previous episode, I discussed the need to take responsibility for your life. It is only when you affirm responsibility for your life that you

will be able to stop blaming others for your misfortunes. Understandably, certain things will be beyond your control, but you must consciously not be subject to these things. You always have a choice, and it is when you realize this and take responsibility that you will be equipped to face challenges and win the right to the dream life that you have hoped for. Third, consciously choose and plan to thrive. Riving through life only happens when you've consciously decided to do all it takes to live your best. No matter what the odds may be, it doesn't just happen passively, so you have to be intentional in your decisions, and then back them up with actionable plans to move on from someone who feels like a victim, who one who will

achieve their goals and aspirations. Fourth, engage in activities that will boost your self-confidence. Self-confidence comes from within. That means you build it for yourself by acting bravely, even if it starts with just a tiny step. Engaging in exercises and activities has been shown to increase confidence. As you gain more information and experience success, you end up growing self-confidence and learn from your mistakes. But it's crucial to remember that you must also improve your thinking.

Your mentality eventually motivates you to act, even, or especially when circumstances seem uncertain, and you are filled with misgivings. In that instance, you'll want to adopt an attitude of growth and resilience. Next, be kind and compassionate to yourself. It can take a long time to overcome the victim mentality, and there may be setbacks along the road. There will be times where it seems like you're moving forward and backward at the same time, but you must continue to be patient and kind to yourself. Change typically takes time, so keep in mind that you are still moving

forward, no matter how little progress it may seem that you are making. The everyday actions that you take in your perseverance, even when it seems like you're reverting to an old habit, ultimately lead to your complete freedom from it. Next, have an attitude of gratitude. It's impossible to overstate the value of adopting a grateful outlook on life. People who are thankful in life don't always have their ducks in a row. They have merely learned from them to concentrate and find the positive in every circumstance.

By adopting this mindset, you will stop blaming others and yourself for misfortunes and instead be able to perceive the changes that lie ahead of you and be better equipped to take advantage of them. And then finally, number seven, show kindness to others, focusing on others' issues while letting go of your own brings a special type of strength and joy. Doing this can shift your focus from feeling sorry for yourself and helpless to helping others, which will ultimately motivate you to overcome the victim mentality. So now that we've discussed, how do you overcome victim mentality in yourself? Let's tackle the victim mentality

in others. You might not be affected by this negative mindset, but you might have a family member, a friend, a neighbor, a colleague at work, or someone else that you know who is affected by it. Living and dealing with such people can be quite exhausting. Because of their constant complaints and other attributes, how then do you manage the situations with them and ultimately help them in some way break free from this limiting victim mentality? The following are some practical suggestions. Number one, be logical with them. The first thing that you should do when dealing with someone who plays the victim is to maintain your composure and avoid being emotionally involved. By doing this, you'll be able to avoid getting sucked into their drama and their justification and lies. Second, set boundaries. It may

become so draining and even frustrating to listen to someone who's constantly complaining about anything that even the sight of them approaching you makes you feel exhausted. In this case, you have to set a time limit of how much of your attention they receive. Recognizing that those with a victim mentality typically take great satisfaction in being perceived as victims and enjoy telling as many people as possible how terrible life is for them. The simple fact is they'll find someone else if you limit how much time they can gripe to you. They may finally learn to fix their self-limiting mindset if others follow suit and they have no one else to blame. Another thing you can do is redirect the

conversation. Victim-minded people often thrive on negative talk. Don't contribute to the growth of this mentality by affirming their distorted view of reality and allowing them to continue their line of negative talk. This does not imply that you should not have empathy for them or ignore what they have to say, because there may be problems that need to be addressed. Nevertheless, you should assist them in seeing the positive aspects of their circumstances and the steps that they can take to improve them. Fourth, don't attack or label them. One thing you should avoid doing with someone who has a victim mentality

is accusing them outright of acting like victims, or using slurs that suggest this. They will just see such behavior as confirmation of their sense of victimhood, which could reinforce their unfavorable perspective. And finally, encourage them to find alternative solutions, urge them to seek therapy, assist them in identifying certain negative behaviors, and point them out to them. Share this podcast with them, along with any other helpful materials that you might come across and offer them constant support as they strive to improve. You never know how big an impact your ostensibly insignificant efforts will have

on assisting them overcome this pessimistic outlook. So I've covered a lot today, so let me summarize this for you. In his TED Talk, which I referred to in a previous episode, about how our beliefs shape our realities. Sean Stevenson emphasized that the real prisons exist in our minds. Your mind has the power to hijack you. Even when there's no external pressure, it can imprison you in a state of uncertainty and anxiety. Our views about ourselves and the world serve as the keys to our mental presence.

If you remain in the past, you will only continue to think and act like a victim in the present. Stop trying to move forward while looking behind and start gazing straight ahead. Always remember that you are no longer a victim of the circumstance that you were once in. Much is to be done, including exploring new possibilities, developing new concepts, reaching new milestones, reading incredible books, and accomplishing many more wonderful things. Refrain from limiting yourself by maintaining a mindset that suggests that you have no control over your circumstances.

As you begin to make plans and take steps to break free from your limiting mentality, you will realize that everything that you have believed in in the past, which has caused you to live as a victim, is not valid. You decide where and with whom you want to spend your time. Only you have the power over your behavior. You can choose to release yourself from this confining victim perspective and continue to grow in life. Em, embrace your potential, take control of your life and don't be a prisoner of your own mind. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and I wanted to thank everyone who wrote in this week and of course, everybody who listened.

Thank you so much. A link to today's transcript will be in the show notes. Videos are on YouTube, it's John Armyles, and we also just launched a new YouTube channel called PassionStruck Clips. Please go and check them both out. Avertisers deals and discount codes are all at passionstruck.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support this show. I'm at John R. Miles both on Twitter and Instagram and you can also find me on LinkedIn.

You're about to hear a preview of the PassionStruck podcast interview I did with family therapist John Kim and Vanessa Bennett and we discuss how to own your own relationship to help untangle the common and frustrating barriers. Many individuals face on the road to happy loving and rewarding relationships. So many people come to us as clients and they're like 40s usually and it's like I'm unhappy. I don't know why. I've checked all the boxes. I've done all the things, quote unquote, right. Why am I miserable and so often it's because I've done, I'm unhappy. I don't know why. I've checked all the boxes. I've done all the things, quote unquote, right. Why am I miserable? And so often it's because I've done everything I should do.

Yeah, and also I want to say that what you went through doesn't stop because when we get into a relationship, it shouldn't stop. We're always growing, evolving, and exploring self. We change our partner changes, the relationship changes. So it's not like you do all this work when you're single and then you meet someone and then you just stop. Yeah stops. A lot of people do that. I think that's where they drop the ball. Remember, we rise by lifting others. So share this episode with those that you love and care about.

And if you found this episode on victim mentality useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that I provided today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. And until next time, live life Ash and structure. you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. And until next time, live life Ashin Struck. you