Passion Struck with John R. Miles - 8 Ways to Control Your Anger So It Doesn’t Control You w/ John R. Miles EP 223

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

One of the most important things you can master is controlling anger before it controls you. In this Momentum Friday episode of Passion Struck, I will share with you eight simple steps that work for everyone regarding how you control your anger. What I Discuss About How to Control Your Anger Anger is a normal stress reaction that can adversely affect your life. I'll teach you how to manage your anger and control your emotions. I believe that every person has the power to use our choices for good, and this knowledge is key to success. So whether you're struggling with anger management or want to be more intentional, this episode is for you! I hope you enjoy the tips and tricks I share in it. Thanks for listening!   Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://passionstruck.com/8-ways-to-control-your-anger-john-r-miles/  Brought to you by American Giant and BiOptimizers. --► For information about advertisers and promo codes, go to: https://passionstruck.com/deals/  --► Prefer to watch this interview: https://youtu.be/bJD67QReunc  Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter or Instagram handle so we can thank you personally! --► Subscribe to Our YouTube Channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/c/JohnRMiles Want to find your purpose in life? I provide my six simple steps to achieving it - passionstruck.com/5-simple-steps-to-find-your-passion-in-life/ Did you hear my interview with Robin Sharma, one of the top personal mastery and leadership coaches in the world and a multiple-time number-one New York Times best-selling author? Catch up with episode 209: Robin Sharma on Why Changing the World Starts by Changing Ourselves ===== FOLLOW ON THE SOCIALS ===== * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast * Gear: https://www.zazzle.com/store/passion_sruck_podcast Learn more about John: https://johnrmiles.com/ 

Coming up next on the Passion Struck Podcast, you will never be able to control most of the factors and situations that could cause you to be angry. But you need to be conscious of the fact that you can always choose how you respond. Your attention should only be on that which you can control, your response, as other things are simply beyond your control. Before you have that explosive display of anger, whether verbally or physically, think of the consequences of your reaction, and ask yourself in that moment is this what you want. Welcome to PassionStruck. Hi, I'm your host, Jon Armiles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you.

Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guest-ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 223 of PassionStruck. Recently ranked as one of the top 40 most inspirational podcasts of 2022. And thank you to each and every one of you

come back weekly to listen and learn, how to live better, be better, and impact the world. And if you're new to the show, thank you so much for being here, or you would simply like to introduce this to a friend or family member, we now have episode starter packs, which are collections of our fans' favorite episodes

that we organize in convenient topics to give any new listener a great way to get acquainted to everything that we do here on the show. You can either go to Spotify or PassionStruck.com slash starter packs to get started. And in case you missed my episodes from earlier in the week, they featured Herbert Professor Dr. Joshua Green, and we explored the psychology of Effective Given. And I also had on Professor's Marianne Lewis and Wendy Smith, and we discuss their brand new book, Both And Thinking. I also wanted to acknowledge our fan of the week,

Herman Fisher, who writes, PassionStruck is my go-to every week. John, you have helped me through very tough and rough times of my life and even some of the greatest moments in my life. I love the guests that you bring on, and your solo episodes cover some really tough topics that most self-improvement influencers are afraid to touch. And you do them by telling the audience experiences that you went through, as well as giving stories that ground the episodes. I can't wait for your new book to eventually come out. Herman, thank you so much for that review.

We so appreciate these reviews and ratings because they go such a long way in helping us improve our rating, but more importantly, expand the passion-struck community. Now, let's talk about today's episode. Anger is a sensation that your brain gets. When you feel like you're short-changed, perhaps someone cuts in front of you at the checkout line, or a lazy work colleague takes credit for work that you performed, or maybe someone you love has betrayed or wronged you. We all express anger at some point in our lives. It may come to some as momentary aggravation, or to others as full-fledged outrage.

The important thing to realize is anger is normal. It's a healthy human emotion that in itself is neither good nor bad. The issue comes with when and how it's expressed. Anger is a natural response to injustice or bad behavior. Still, when it's poorly managed, it may blow up and cause unintended consequences. In your personal relationships, work and life quality. In the words of the great philosopher, Aristotle, anybody can become angry. That is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time,

and for the right purpose and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, and that is not easy. Every day brings plenty of prospects that can result in you feeling anger. But when you give into the negativity of this emotion and let it control your behavior, you are giving complete power of yourself over to something outside you, which can leave you in a very undesirable condition after it has passed. You can always choose not to allow anger to control you. In today's episode, I will broadly discuss why we express anger, the consequences of submitting to it, and provide you with eight ways to control your anger,

so it doesn't control you. Let us start with understanding the emotion of anger and why we experience it. Thank you for choosing PassionStruct and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating intentional life. Now, let that journey begin. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music psychologist with expertise in the study of anger, anger is a feeling that ranges in intensity, from slight annoyance to rage and fury.

It is an emotion that we have all experienced at different points in our lives, even when we were babies. It affects all personalities, gender, and age groups. We might experience anger if we feel frustrated, attacked, deceived, or unfairly treated. Researchers at the Center for Evolutionary Psychology determined that anger has been encoded into our brains over several thousand years of evolution. Our innate need to defend ourselves from danger, compete for resources, and uphold social standards, are uphold social standards are

all instincts that are part of who we are. Both external and internal factors have the potential to trigger anger. Your anger may be fueled by fear or brooding over personal issues, or it may be directed to a particular person or situation, such as a cancelled flight or a traffic jam. Anger can also be sparked by memories of painful or upsetting experiences and can be directed inward towards yourself. Factors such as the environment that you grew up in, your temperament, and your personality type

also strongly influence your predisposition to anger. Everyone possesses innate temperament types. The main types are caloric, sanguine, melancholic, and flagmatic. A person with a melancholic personality type is less prone to anger than one with a caloric disposition. Likewise, a person who grew up in a violent environment might be more inclined to get angry than someone who is brought up in a peaceful and loving one. I have now established what anger entails and why we experience it, but why then is anger a necessary emotion. The emotion of anger can be likened to a fire which can be used for beneficial purposes, like cooking and warming ourselves, but when left unchecked can get out of control and

destroy lives and properties. Understanding this dual nature of anger will help you to know when to suppress it and when to express it and how to do it within safe boundaries. The purpose of anger can also differ from person to person. So, to be practical, let us quickly check what anger is to you. Let's take a pause right now and think about some of the notable times that you have found yourself really angry. Now, ask yourself if that anger resulted in the outcome that you were hoping for. If you answered in the affirmative, that you can see that anger can be of positive value

to you, and that it can help you do many things, such as helping you confront issues that are straining you, motivating you to stand up for yourself, spurring you to take action against injustice, driving you to defend yourself in dangerous situations, providing you opportunities for self-imperman and making you hold others accountable for their actions. However, we only obtain the value that anger presents when we learn healthy ways to recognize, express, and manage it. When we do not, it can have negative consequences, which leads to the question, what is the cost of submitting to anger?

As Buddha once said, holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who ends up getting burned. Unhealthy bouts of anger when you keep it suppressed for long periods, focus it inward or explode in rage, can wreck mayhem on your body. That is because anger results in certain physiological changes in a person inwardly and outwardly. In your body, your heart rate and blood pressure rise, your body temperature increases, and you might even get headaches. Outwardly, you might begin to scream

and yell, curse out loud and engage in physical violence. This is obviously a problem, as it can lead to several negative consequences, including it increases the risk of both heart disease and stroke. It weakens your immune system, it raises your level of anxiety, it can lead to the destruction of property and violent crime, it can cause financial and legal problems, and it can generate difficulties in your relationships. The ability to effectively control your anger is quite a difficult task, because your brain is wired in a way that drives you to act before considering the effects of your actions.

This means that learning how to control anger is not something that you're born knowing how to do, but is a skill that has to be learned through a lot of hard work and practice. So I'm going to now give you eight ways that you can control your anger and learn how to not allow it to control you. The first is to know when to express and suppress your anger. A major step in effectively managing anger is identifying healthy ways to express your anger without losing control and knowing when to suppress it so you don't act too rashly. You don't always have to express anger. Sometimes suppressing it in the heated moment can be the best option. This will give you time to respond more appropriately and prevent you from saying or doing things

that you will regret later. However, you've got to be sure not to internalize the feeling and suppress it to a level where you just allow the issue to fester without addressing it. Once you've realized that your anger is valid, consciously express it in a way that will allow you to gain the value it has to give in that particular situation. Second, explore your emotions. Confucius said, when anger arises, think of the consequences. For example, when someone gives you heard to hear criticism, you may express anger because you are ashamed. You try to convince yourself the other person is wrong for giving you negative feedback,

and it might make you feel comforted short-term because it keeps your humiliation in check. But recognizing the emotions that make you feel this way can help you find the root cause of the problem that you are facing. Then you can pursue the action that is appropriate. For instance, rather than striking out in anger, when someone changes plans on you and you're disappointed, you may try to describe to them how their change in plans makes you feel. You're more likely to find a solution

when you're open about your emotions. In most cases, responding with fury just serves to alienate people. Let me take you through a short example, to hammer this point even more. Right now, close your eyes and think about a time that you were really angry and probably let it get the best of you. Perhaps it was someone canceling dinner plans at the last moment.

Think about how you reacted in that situation and how it made you feel. Rather than lashing out an anger, if you had thought it through, you probably wouldn't have taken the action that you took. Now make a conscious decision to pause and think of the actions that you will take whenever you feel agitated and angry and make sure that they are actions that will leave you a better person. It often helps to take an instant and consider what emotions might be causing you to feel anger.

Anger often acts as a protective shield to help you avoid feeling big emotions, like humiliation, unhappiness, and let down. Third, engage in humor. Humor can be a very effective tool in releasing tension. Sometimes either or both of the angry parties are just being unreasonable. When you realize this and how unimportant some things are that you're angry about, you will be able to calm down and avert the situation from unnecessarily escalating. However, there are two things to know when using humor. First, don't just laugh it off to avoid the situation. You still have to revisit the root cause and address it. Second, don't use harsh sarcastic humor, as this might even worsen the situation. The point of humor is not taking yourself too seriously, and he escalating in already tense situation. So be sure you put humor into good use in such situations. Fourth, check yourself and

identify your personal triggers. Sometimes anger might not necessarily be at the particular person or situation in which one is expressing it. It could be influenced by factors like illness, frustration, low self-esteem, and past experiences or trauma, making it just a transfer of aggression. Other times, it's the environment or the kind of people that you're hanging out with. Understand how these factors affect you, so that you will be in a better position to avoid the triggers. While you shouldn't blame your lack of self-control, on other people or outside factors, being aware of what makes you angry

might help you make appropriate strategies to cope with the situation. Fifth, visit the root of your anger. It's often said there's no smoke without fire. You have to ensure that the issues that cause you to be angry are well addressed, especially if the anger is aimed at someone that you can't avoid, like a coworker, your partner, a family member, or a friend. Ask yourself what is really making me so angry and determine the cause. This will enable you to determine the other feelings that anger might be masking and help you to communicate better. Take constructive action and resolve the situations. Six, practice empathy and compassion. Imagine a case where someone mistakenly bumps into you and spills a drink on your freshly iron shirt or blouse.

That person might apologize, but at that moment you're very annoyed and might want to react harshly. Wouldn't it make a difference if you knew they just lost their job or perhaps they're distracted because they've recently lost a loved one or someone is sick in their family? Naturally, if you knew that, you would react more calmly and probably overlook what they did. In the case of someone annoying you, you could resist getting angry by simply thinking,

it's not about me, they must just be having a bad day. This will allow you to give some benefit of the doubt and not let their actions get the best of you. We all have tough days. And although this doesn't excuse us from behaving aggressively, it can still help us to cut one another some slack. When we relate to one another with compassion and empathy, we significantly reduce how often

we get angry. 7. Talk to a friend or professional. Talking through a problem or expressing your emotions to someone who makes you feel calmer can be very beneficial, but it's important to realize that ranting sometimes backfires. Grumbling about all the apparent injustices that you've experienced, whining about your boss, or listing out all the reasons you don't like someone, could end up fueling the flames. It's a frequent misperception that you must let off some steam to feel better.

Research actually shows that you don't need to get your anger out. For instance, smashing objects while you're angry could actually make you angrier. Therefore, it's crucial to apply this coping mechanism with care. Similarly, if you plan to speak to a friend or specialist, be sure that you're working on finding a solution or lessening the problem.

There are also several helpful books on anger management that I'll put in the show notes that you can go ahead and read. Make sure that you pay intent attention and follow through on the required processes so that you can get the most out of the available help. And then finally, eighth, forgive. To stem the raging tides of anger, you must learn to constantly practice forgiveness. I discuss forgiveness in a previous episode, so go back and check it out if you haven't already. Saying I forgive you is one of the most difficult things that you can do because of how much pain

and offense committed against you can bring. This is very understandable, but you can't afford to hold onto that offense and allow it to control you through anger. We are all imperfect people with different flaws and finding ourselves in situations where we feel harmed is inevitable in our interactions, to ensure that you respond appropriately,

and heal, you have to forgive. By doing so, you will be able to avoid anger from controlling you, and you will be doing yourself the greater good. I've discussed a lot today, but one of the key takeaways that I want to leave you with is that when it comes to controlling your anger, you have a choice. In the words of Victor Frankl, between stimulus, there is a space. In that space is our ability to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom. You will never be able to control most of the factors and situations that could cause you to be angry, but you need to be conscious of the fact that you can always choose how you respond. Your attention should only be on

that which you can control your response. As other things are simply beyond your control, before you have that explosive display of anger, whether verbally or physically, think of the consequences of your reaction and ask yourself in that moment is this what you want. The situation that made you angry will pass, but whatever rash choice that you have made in the heated moment will have a lasting impact. So consciously take responsibility for your response, and choose not to let anger take control of you. I hope you all enjoyed that show, and I wanted to thank everyone who wrote in this week, and of course everybody who came here and listened today.

Thank you so much. A link to the transcript today's show will be in the show notes. Videos are on YouTube at John R. Miles. Avertiser deals and discount codes are all in one convenient place at passionstruck.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show and make it free for our listeners. I'm at John R. Miles, both on Instagram and Twitter, and you can also find me on LinkedIn.

You're about to hear a preview of the Passion Struck Podcast interview I did with Dr. Alisa Hallerman, who was once a top agent representing the likes of Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and Ben Stiller. She now runs the world's first recovery agency devoted to helping addicts deal with their addictions, but by not just getting sober, by addressing inner trauma and finding true soul-centered wellness. We discuss her brand new book, Sobriety, which launches next week. In it, she describes the plan to heal your trauma, overcome addiction, and reconnect with your soul. There's a saying that says, we don't have complexes, our complexes have us.

And so the material, the depth of material that lies in our unconscious, in both our personal unconscious and in our collective unconscious, is waiting to be sourced so that we're making what's unknown known. Instead of waiting for that to drive us and then we're unfamiliar with why we're doing something all of a sudden or why these symptoms are rising. Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share this show with those that you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody who could use the advice that I gave here today on anger and how to control it. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen.

And until next time, live life passion struck. you