Passion Struck with John R. Miles - 8 Ways to Stop Making Excuses in Order to Unlock an Intentional Life w/ John R. Miles EP 178

Starting point is 00:00:00 Coming up next on the Passion Struck podcast, Benjamin Franklin once said, He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. As brutal as that sounds, it's likely not far from reality. Sometimes we get so consumed in creating excuses about how situations or events didn't turn out as we had desired that we fail to focus on making the best of every situation No matter the outcome. Welcome to PassionStruct. Hi, I'm your host John Armiles, and on the show We decipher the secrets tips and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best

Starting point is 00:00:51 version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guest-ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 178 of PassionStruck. Ranked this week by Apple is one of the top three

Starting point is 00:01:23 most popular alternative health podcasts. And thank you to each and every one of you who come back weekly to listen and learn, at a live better, be better, and impact the world. And if you're new to the show, thank you so much for being here, or you would just like to introduce this possibility with a friend or family member, and we so appreciate it when you do that. We now have episodes, Surderpacks, both on Spotify and on the PassionStruck website, which are collections of our fans' favorite episodes that we organize into topics to make it so much easier to get acquainted to everything that we do here on the show. Just go to passionstruck.com slash starder packs to get started. And in case you missed my episodes

Starting point is 00:02:00 from earlier in the week, they included my interview with University of Chicago Booth Business School Professor Eilette Fishback who is an expert on the science and motivation, and we talk about her new book Get It Done. I also had on Futurist Ari Wallach and we talk about his new book Long Path. We then go into how long path can be used both in your life or in a company to help you create more intentionality about how you're thinking about the future. Please go and check them all out if you haven't. I also wanted to acknowledge our fan of the week Fernando Chandler, who writes, authentically real. Thank you John for your raw honesty, insight and wisdom. As someone who has neglected his personal journey for many years

Starting point is 00:02:46 due to family commitments and a demanding career, it's refreshing to start that journey of introspection and self-care with your help. Your authenticity in sharing your own struggles has helped me immensely. As I know, I am not alone and I can confront my fears and move forward. Keep inspiring us, John. Fernando, thank you so much for that review. Your review goes such a long way in helping to establish the credibility of the show and what we are trying to produce for our fans everywhere. And thank you to each and every one of you who has given us a 5 star rating review because

Starting point is 00:03:22 they go to help us so much with the popularity of the podcast. Now, let's talk about today's episode. Life can be a complicated dance, and one thing is for sure, we are likely to make excuses for our mistakes along the way. That is because none of us is perfect. Sometimes we fall short and fail in our personal behavior. When faced with situations, the final choices we make, whether good or bad and how we handle the challenge will illustrate how effectively we manage our lives. Let me give you a simple example. A few weeks ago, I was supposed to meet

Starting point is 00:03:57 a friend of mine for dinner. Unfortunately, something came up at the last minute at his work and he told me he couldn't make it. I am sure that this is an excuse that we have all heard a million times before. This particular friend has severe fomo, and unfortunately it dictates how he lives his life. It's no surprise that a few days later I found out through a social post that he ditched me to hang out with another group of people who are watching a concert. People can be highly imaginative when it comes to making excuses. As in the case of my friend's example, we use them to get out of situations every single day for various reasons. There are many excuses

Starting point is 00:04:36 that we make every day. Here are just a few of them. I can't exercise because my leg hurts. I forgot to call my best friend on their birthday because I had to work, or I'm late to an appointment because I was stuck on a call. Sometimes we make excuses because we don't want to commit to something, or want to leave ourselves open in case something better comes along, or perhaps we are just lazy and tend to procrastinate instead of making a commitment. However, other times we use them to remove ourselves from something that may be difficult or undesirable, or something that is generating fear, worries, or uncertainty. In today's episode, I will deep dive into this problem of making excuses. Why we do it had a recognize that we are doing it, the consequences of making excuses, and eight steps that we can take to stopping them in our lives.

Starting point is 00:05:26 But let's first start with the story of a Hollywood a-lister whose career came crashing down, not because of the act she committed, but because of the excuse that she gave for why she did it. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin. Winona writer obtained her first movie role in the 1986 romantic comedy Lucas, when she was just 13. By the time writer was 18, she was a household name. During the late 80s and 90s, she was the conversation with memorable roles in reality bites,

Starting point is 00:06:11 beetle juice, girl interrupted, and Edward Scissor hands. Ryder's life and career skyrocketed, and she was a top a-lister in Hollywood. During this time, she started dating Johnny Depp, but their breakup in the early 90s coupled with the harsh Hollywood culture that was present at that time, she started dating Johnny Depp, but their breakup in the early 90s, coupled with the harsh Hollywood culture that was present at that time, produced a far darker life for her. This life fell apart when Winona writer was 30, when she was arrested for shoplifting at the height of her fame. She was ultimately caught by security cameras. She removed anti-theft tags from the stolen Saxfith Avenue items and placed

Starting point is 00:06:46 some of the stolen goods into a Barney's shopping bag. But it wasn't just the theft that caused writers fall from grace. Her excuse for doing it was even worse. She claimed a director of an upcoming movie suggested that she do it for research. Writer was ultimately found guilty of theft and vandalism for shoplifting more than $5,500 worth of designer goods from that sacks in Beverly Hills. Subsequently, she vanished from public view for many years and that incident and the excuse that she gave

Starting point is 00:07:19 squashed her career as a sought after leading lady. I use this story to describe the destructive power of excuses. As I discussed in the beginning, we use excuses for many reasons. In the case of writer, psychologist Patricia Ferrell revealed, it had nothing to do with money and everything to do with getting relief from all her troubles. She acted rationally because she was in great pain

Starting point is 00:07:42 and feeling lonely. We'll be right back to the Passion Struck Podcast. Need to supercharge your hiring? You need a super hiring partner. You need, indeed, which is the hiring platform where you can attract interview in higher all in one place. Instead of spending hours on multiple jobsides searching for candidates with the right skills, indeed a powerful hiring partner that can help you do it all. Find great talent faster through time-saving tools, like indeed instant match assessments and virtual interviews. And one of the things I love about indeed is that it makes hiring

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Starting point is 00:09:00 So that leads to the question, why do people make excuses? The nature of excuses is enticing and the desire not to want to do something can be tied to valid rational reasoning. For the most part, excuses tend to be a vehicle or short-term satisfaction. Like the consequences of many of our choices, they bring with them immediate fulfillment at the expense of something more significant down the line. That is because excuses shift our reasoning from a more threatening basis,

Starting point is 00:09:31 impacting our self-esteem to a less threatening one. When we make excuses, they are almost always tied to one of three reasons. Fear, indecision, or failure to take responsibility. To quit making excuses, we must first determine which one applies to us. So let's first talk about fear, attempting something new and pushing out of our fixed mindsets

Starting point is 00:09:53 can initially feel overwhelming, but commonly beneath these feelings are underlying fears, such as encountering failure, non-acceptance, missteps or being unfairly categorized or judged by others. Often, holding these beliefs can restrict you from moving forwards, and instead, we use excuses to evade the feeling of fear. Now, let's turn our attention to indecision.

Starting point is 00:10:19 We all have emotions that drive our decisions, and one of the most potent needs we have is to possess confidence. Because of that, we are driven to avoid pain and instead seek out things that we know will bring us pleasure. Feeling prepared is a crucial factor that helps us to take action. When we plan to make a change, when we face indecision in a situation, our brains prefer making excuses over dealing with the uncertainty. We may not always be 100% prepared for everything that we do.

Starting point is 00:10:50 Sometimes we're indecisive because we want everything to be perfect before getting started. This indecision can cause us to procrastinate and not move at all. It ultimately leads to excuses and we become stuck in a cycle of perfectionism. And the last reason is failure to take responsibility. Those who make excuses also come across often as lethargic, uninspired and indifferent. When we give excuses, we are doing so to lessen our responsibility in any given situation. In other words, we use excuses to justify our actions, even though they are often wrong. We try to convince others that things are not entirely true, but what makes it even worse is that we end up doing the same with ourselves.

Starting point is 00:11:38 When we do this, our conscious actions cause ramifications on our unconscious behavior. So now that I've given you some reasons of why we make excuses, let's talk about why excuses are problematic. Excuses are something that literally every one of us has used in the past, in one way or another in every facet of our lives. These excuses may be for differing reasons, but they share one common characteristic. They are one of the worst things that you can do to yourself. Scuces are frankly just a gentler word for betrayal. When we're not responsible for our actions, we shift blame from ourselves to someone else

Starting point is 00:12:18 or something else. Fair or not, we are making excuses. And while excuses are not necessarily wrong, they are not welcome in our life. Excuses may be a way of seeking forgiveness or mitigating personal responsibility, which might lessen the impact on the other party. However, when we make excuses,

Starting point is 00:12:38 it's also an intentional action to manipulate the emotions of others. We do this as a way of creating a positive outcome, but most of the time it just ends up backfiring and causes self-harm. These consequences certainly don't result in an intentional lifestyle. In fact, they paralyze us and prevent us from moving forward in our desire to become passion struck. If we want to overcome our excuses, we must admit that we are making them and why. Of course, this may not be as easy as it sounds. However, it's absolutely essential if you want to avoid surrendering to its unavoidable consequences. So here are a few questions that you can ask yourself.

Starting point is 00:13:24 What are the types of excuses I tend to make? Why do I make excuses? What are the reasons I don't accept who I am? And once you've answered those questions, list down the consequences, resulting from making those excuses. You can ask yourself, how are these excuses preventing me from advancing? How are they impacting the other person or persons? How do they hinder my ability to become who I aspire to be? So now we've covered why we make excuses, how to recognize that we are making them,

Starting point is 00:13:56 and the consequences that they have on our lives. Now, let's get into some ideas, suggestions, and techniques to eradicate them from our lives for good. Before drilling into these eight different ideas, suggestions, and techniques to eradicate them from our lives for good. Before drilling into these eight different ideas, it's essential to recognize the excuses that we make often lead us to becoming stuck in life. If we desire fulfillment in any field or endeavor, it requires a period of pain or discomfort where we must embark into unfamiliar territories that lead to unexpected outcomes. Keep this in mind as we discuss the following eight suggestions. The first is

Starting point is 00:14:32 take responsibility. If we desire to stop making excuses, the first step is to always realize that you and you alone create the life that you desire, developing the willpower to take responsibility isn't an inborn strength. Instead, it is a skill that is developed through relentless practice. The second technique we can take is developing self-control. Impulsivity can be a significant issue to achieving our goals. In my interview with Katie Melkman, a behavioral scientist at the Wharton Business School at the University of Pennsylvania, she advised that the solution to this is to turn our impulsivity into an asset by making virtuous behaviors fun. So, when we find ourselves in a

Starting point is 00:15:18 situation where we're tempted to make an excuse, instead of relying on willpower to resist temptation, we learn how to make good behaviors more gratifying in the short term. An excellent way to do this practice is by making a pre-commitment and rewarding ourselves for the progress. The third way that we can remove excuses from our life is by squashing procrastination.

Starting point is 00:15:41 One of the most important things that I have learned is that the pathway to any success in life is to make massive intentional action. The ability to make difficult choices is a top trait for those desiring to achieve their goals, as well as an essential skill for everyday life. However, we often suffer from analysis paralysis when we make excuses. To stop making excuses is astronaut Wendy Lawrence discussed in my interview with her, we must stop procrastinating by allowing ourselves to dream our dreams through continuous action towards our desired future. The fourth way that we can address making excuses is by implementing tracking behavior. Our habits are the default settings for our behavior.

Starting point is 00:16:28 Thus, by monitoring our behavior, we can avoid forgetting to follow through, ensuring that we celebrate our successes and hold ourselves accountable when we fail. The fifth thing that we can implement is altering perspective. Frequently, the excuses that we make result from a lack of perspective. During my interview with Navy SEAL in astronaut Chris Cassidy, he told me that one of the biggest lessons that he learned from his time and space was to see himself and our world through different lines. Oftentimes, our lack of perspective prevents us from seeing the bigger picture as well as the consequences of our actions.

Starting point is 00:17:00 When we switch perspectives, we see that problems are opportunities, not obstacles, and we alter how we see the situation before committing to making excuse. The sixth way we can address making excuses is exercising personal adequacy. People who make excuses likely have an overarching narrative of their inadequacy that is blocking their path forward. These narratives are the incidents that we tell ourselves about who we are. During my upcoming interview with Dr. Nate Zenzer, a performance psychologist at West Point, he told me that he found through his research that positive self-affirmation effects on behavioral change lead to a greater sense of personal adequacy. Thus, through self-affirmation techniques, we learn new skills and stop

Starting point is 00:17:47 negative behaviors like making excuses. The seventh way that we can address making excuses is overcoming the middle problem. Robin Sharma said, all change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and glorious at the end. As we approach to changing our behavior about excuses, the beginnings are often clearly marked. However, the Middles can be ill-defined. It might interview with Islet Fishback from earlier this week, who's a psychologist at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. She says that sometimes we slack off in the middle, because the middle actions don't seem to matter as much. To shorten the middles, she recommends that you set sub-goals where

Starting point is 00:18:25 you can minimize the tendency to cut corners in the middle and actually reduce the middle itself. The eighth and final way that we can address making excuses is acting unconditionally. We must act unconditionally if we desire to transcend where we are today. To do this, we must learn to love others without expecting anything in return. We must speak honestly with those we interact with and respect others and their views. Otherwise, we truly do not respect them. The only way that we improve the world is by improving ourselves. And the way we do that is by becoming more virtuous. This starts by making a simple choice in every moment to treat ourselves

Starting point is 00:19:06 and others as the means not the end. So I covered a lot today and I'm going to give you some concluding thoughts. Benjamin Franklin once said, he that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. And as brutal as that sounds, it's likely not far from reality. Sometimes we get so consumed in creating excuses about how situations or events didn't turn out as we had planned that we fail to focus on making the best of every situation no matter the outcome. At the moment some excuses may even appear to be harmless. However, the reality is every excuse that we make takes us further away from living the best life we possibly can. Even more, we will likely miss opportunities that we might not ever get back and fail to build

Starting point is 00:19:50 skills and aptitudes that contribute to our growth and improvement. Trust me when I say that if you desire to live intentionally, then there's no room in maintaining the status quo and keep calming off excuses. If you are the one who's making excuses, then you must be part of the solution and face your fear with certainty and responsibility. You'll know you're living with intention when you don't have to make excuses. Instead of making excuses, start making better intentional choices aimed at where you want your future self to be, not where you currently are. I hope you all enjoyed the show, and I wanted to thank everyone who wrote in this week.

Starting point is 00:20:29 And of course, thank you to everyone who came here and listened. A link to the transcript will be in the show notes. Videos are on YouTube at John R. Miles, and advertisers deals and discount codes are all in one convenient place at passionstruck.com slash deals. Please support those who support the show and make it free for our listeners. I'm at John Armiles both on Twitter and Instagram and you can also find me on LinkedIn. In case you want to know how I book all these amazing guests on the podcast, it's because of my network. Go out there and build yours before you need it. You're about to hear a preview of the passionstruck podcast interview I did with Ellen Stein Jr. who's an experienced keynote speaker and author of the book's Razure Game, High Performance

Starting point is 00:21:09 Secrets from the Best of the Best and Sustain Your Game, High Performance Keys to manage stress, avoid stagnation, and beat burnout. One thing I've noticed among all high performers is they have a very strong reverence and respect for the fundamentals of their craft. The building blocks the basics. They don't try to skip steps. Working on mastery of the basics toward in the unseen hours

Starting point is 00:21:32 is something that they do consistently every single day of their life. A certain level of motivation is certainly important, but it's been my experience, even in my own personal life, that motivation is fleeting. It's like any other emotion. I mean, there's sometimes where I feel highly motivated, and there's other times where I don't. I want to make sure that I'm showing up as my best self as consistently as possible. So if I'm only showing

Starting point is 00:21:55 up as my best self, or I'm only doing what I need to do when I feel like it, or when it's convenient, or when I'm feeling motivated, then my performance is going to be like a roller coaster. convenient or when I'm feeling motivated, then my performance is going to be like a rollercoaster. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share this show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with someone who could use this advice on excuses that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. Until next time, live life, passion struck. you

Passion Struck with John R. Miles - 8 Ways to Stop Making Excuses in Order to Unlock an Intentional Life w/ John R. Miles EP 178

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