Passion Struck with John R. Miles - Dr. Emily Morse on the Keys to Boosting Your Sex IQ EP 305

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Do you want to enhance your sexual experiences and increase your self-awareness? Have you been searching for ways to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure? Look no further, as our guest, Dr. Emily Morse, is here to share the solution. She will provide the keys to Smart Sex so that you can achieve the desired outcome of heightened sexual satisfaction and self-awareness. Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://passionstruck.com/dr-emily-morse-the-keys-to-boosting-your-sex-iq/  🚨 For Mature Audiences Only - This week's episode brings an exciting show that delves into mature topics. If there are young ears/eyes present, we advise parental discretion. Boosting Your Sex IQ: Practical Tips from Dr. Emily Morse Does this sound familiar? You've tried everything to improve your sex life, but nothing seems to work. Maybe you've been told to try new positions or use fancy toys, but the pleasure still eludes you. The reality is the solution isn't external—it's internal. The problem lies in your Sex IQ or lack thereof. Without the proper knowledge and tools, it's impossible to achieve the sexual satisfaction you crave. But don't worry; we're here to help. In this episode, Dr. Emily Morse will guide you on the keys to boosting your Sex IQ and owning your pleasure. Say goodbye to frustration and hello to a fulfilling sex life. Brought to you by Hello Fresh. Use code passion16 to get 16 free meals, plus free shipping!” Brought to you by Indeed. Head to https://www.indeed.com/passionstruck, where you can receive a $75 credit to attract, interview, and hire in one place. --► For information about advertisers and promo codes, go to: https://passionstruck.com/deals/  Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter or Instagram handle so we can thank you personally! --► Prefer to watch this interview: https://youtu.be/xGhf6vz1sLM  --► Subscribe to Our YouTube Channel Here: https://youtu.be/QYehiUuX7zs  Want to find your purpose in life? I provide my six simple steps to achieving it - passionstruck.com/5-simple-steps-to-find-your-passion-in-life/ Catch my interview with Marshall Goldsmith on How You Create an Earned Life: https://passionstruck.com/marshall-goldsmith-create-your-earned-life/  Watch the solo episode I did on the topic of Chronic Loneliness: https://youtu.be/aFDRk0kcM40  Want to hear my best interviews from 2023? Check out my interview with Seth Godin on the Song of Significance and my interview with Gretchen Rubin on Life in Five Senses. ===== FOLLOW ON THE SOCIALS ===== * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast * Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/johnrmiles.c0m  Learn more about John: https://johnrmiles.com/  Passion Struck is now on the AMFM247 broadcasting network every Monday and Friday from 5–6 PM. Step 1: Go to TuneIn, Apple Music (or any other app, mobile or computer) Step 2: Search for “AMFM247” Network  

Coming up next on Passion Struck. Shame is a huge factor. We don't even realize how much of it is keeping us from having the conversations, being sexual, being in our bodies. And I actually talk about different kinds of shame in the book, break it into different ways that we experience it. And so when you start to look at that, you kind of recognize that it's literally everywhere.

The thing about shame is the more we shed light on our shame, we learn to like kind of talk about this stuff. It does kind of go away. It's like shedding light on our darkness. It's so pervasive in why we don't want to talk about sex, why we don't feel comfortable in our bodies and body shame. Shame is really heavy. Welcome to PassionStruck.

Hi, I'm your host, John Armiles. And on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays.

We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guest-ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to episode 305 of Passion Struck. Rated by Apple is one of their top 20 most popular health podcasts. And thank you to each and every one of you

come back weekly to listen and learn. Had a live better, be better, and impact the world. Passion Struck is now on syndicated radio on the AMFM247 National Broadcast. Catch us on Monday and Friday from 5 to 6pm on Apple Music, Tune in or wherever you listen. Links are in the show notes. If you're new to the show, thank you so much for being here. You just simply want to introduce this. We're a friend or family member. We now have episodes to start our packs. These are collections of our fans,

favorite episodes that we organize in the convenient topics that give any new listener a great way to get acclimated to everything we do on the show. I go to Spotify or passionstruck.com slash starter packs to get started. In case you missed it last week, I had three great interviews. First was with Al Hirschfield, who's an accomplished professor of marketing, behavioral decision-making and psychology

at UCLA Anderson School of Management. We discuss his new book, Your Future Self, How to Make Tomorrow Better Today. I also interviewed Sally Jenkins, New York Times best selling author, and a powerhouse in the world of journalism, with over two decades of experience as a columnist and future writer for the Washington Post. We discuss her newest book, The Right Call, which sports teach us about work and life. And lastly, I interviewed Stephanie McNeil, a senior editor for Glamour Magazine and a former senior culture reporter

for Buzzfeed News, who takes this behind the curtain into the secretive real world influencers in her book Swipe Up for More. Please check them all out. I also wanted to say thank you for your ratings and reviews. They go such a long way and not only promoting the popularity of this podcast, but bringing more people into the passion

to our community where we can bring them weekly doses of inspiration, hope, meaning, and connection. I know we and our guests love to see comments from our listeners. Now let's talk about today's episode. I have got a great show for you this week, but we're getting into adult talk on this episode. So if you got young ears or eyes in the room,

parental discretion is advised. According to The New York Times, Dr. Emily Morse is known as the Doctor Roo of a New Generation and has assisted millions of individuals in navigating the complexities of sex and relationships. In her new book, Smart Sex, she distills her knowledge as a human sexuality expert into a groundbreaking framework that will revolutionize your understanding of sex and pleasure. During our conversation, we cover following essential topics.

The development of a new sexual intelligence that will enable you to connect with your body, desires, and identify, and overcome any psychological and physical barriers that are preventing you from experiencing pleasures. Communication techniques for discussing a wide range of topics with your partner from oral sex to open relationships

and everything in between. The truth about organisms and how to achieve more frequent pton and satisfying experiences. Everything that you need to know, be a good lover, from collaboration to technique, which may not be what you anticipated and much more. Emily Morse is a doctor of human sexuality in the host of the award-winning number one sexuality podcast Sex with Emily, which has been on air for nearly two decades. She is a master class instructor on sex and communication and was previously a radio host and executive producer on Sirius XM.

She has been profiled in the New York Times Forbes and Men's Health and has been featured by the Today Show, Conan, Entertainment Tonight, Lamar, Osmeth Paulitan, Russell, and elsewhere. Dr. Morse's mission is to deliberate the conversation about sex and pleasure. For candid conversations, challenge cultural taboos, misinformation, and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure filled lives. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck

and choosing me, be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life now. Let that journey begin. I am absolutely thrilled and honored to have the one and only Dr. Emily Morse on passion structure. Welcome, Emily. Thank you for having me, John. This is fun. I'm excited. Well, I am so ecstatic that we're here with you today doing the launch of your brand new book, Smart Sex, had to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. Congratulations. Thank you. Well, as a fellow podcaster, I also wanted to congratulate you on your acceptance last year into the podcast hall of fame. That is such an incredible honor.

Thank you. Thank you. It was quite an honor. Yeah, it was exciting. Well, your show Sex with Emily has been one of the longest running podcast, and you started it. If I have the date right in 2005, which at that time, many people didn't even know what podcasting really was. What drove you to use that as an avenue to express your voice? Oh God yeah, it's a great question. I want to remind you that people didn't really know what podcasting was until about five years ago. It didn't really become really popular and hot. It took a

long time to get people to just understand what it was, but at the time I was coming off of making a documentary and I was really involved in the journalism and I was creating a cable access show called Searching for Sex and San Francisco. Anyone can have a cable access show by the way, like anyone can have a podcast, so I was already on the path to find something that was easy to do that I could get my story out there, I wanted to interview people about this certain topic, So I was doing cable access show for a few months and I had an intern at the time who said, have you heard of podcasting? It's just starting. I read about it. Let's do a podcast because we could only because I wasn't that interested in the video part. I love the audio part,

especially for what I'm talking about. So that's what happened. I just heard about it and I started. I hired a guy of Craigslist to work sound and that's cute over my house. I invited a bunch of friends over interview them and that's how we started it. I didn't know it's going to become like a whole thing, but I really loved the medium. Well, when I think back to that time, there was you, there was Jordan Harbanger, Rob Greenley, who are all now still doing it, which is amazing, but really playing ears for the rest of us. So truly an inspiration for me. Oh, thank you. In the 17 years that you've been doing the show,

you must have encountered some really different scenarios from the questions that your listeners give you. Does one ring out as strikingly memorable for you? Trying to think, it's funny, I could ask that question. There's nothing that stands out because, I mean, you could think about this. I've answered tens of thousands of questions, emails, listeners for so long that there's nothing

that stands out, but what always surprises me is that every single day, there's nothing that stands out, but what always surprises me is that every single day there is somebody who is dealing with the same exact challenges. I guess from things that weekly basis, this questions are exactly the same. No matter I've listened to all these years, there's really just five questions that can be branched out to other areas, but it just amazed me and for this long and out of my listeners have learned a lot. But I think the fact that some of the same things keep happening a lot of the confusion,

people don't know their bodies, they've never talked about sex, they don't have never had an orgasm, like that's a surprise to me, but I don't think that there's any one color or question that stands out. And I always said to myself, I gotta get a better answer for that,

but I don't have one. Yeah, that's like the question I get, which is, who is your favorite interview been? And for me, it's easy. It's been my sister. I don't know. I'm thinking my favorite child. I love every episode I do. I love all my guests. I think you learn from everybody. So it's hard to say. Yeah. June, I were talking before we started the show, I grew up in a very Catholic family, Michigan graduates like you, going to Perrokyl school all the way from kindergarten throughout high school. And we were basically taught that having sex made you a bad person. And I remember this horrible experience, I'm a freshman in high school, and the entire

freshman class gets taken into an auditorium where we're forced to watch a video of a woman getting an abortion. And which was just shocking. There were girls crying, very disturbing. I'm not sure people would do that today. But why, because of how we are educated, are we taught to live in fear, shame, and embarrassment when it comes to sex? Wow, wow, that is a powerful story.

I felt that. I haven't heard that story directly from anybody. I know that those kind of classes existed. I always say that we're told to hate sex and we're it's so fear-based sex education, but that's extreme. So that's just a really powerful story. So I imagine the women in your class grown out now, years and years later,

what they've had to contend with. Hopefully they found their way to my show or they've gotten some help because that's going to scare kids. It's a young age, so there's a spectrum of that, but how many kids are hot about sex is a variation of what you just described. They may or may not have sex education about 17 states require sex education to be medically accurate if they teach it in the United States at all. And typically when they do teach it, maybe it's a day or two, it's more based in fear. Don't get pregnant, don't get an SDI, better off, don't have sex. There's nothing about pleasure. There's nothing about why we would even want to have sex. And so those are the messages that we carry with us until somebody else talks to about sex.

But guess what John, nobody talks about sex. Most people are very shameful and fearful to talk about. Even with their partners of years and years, people have been in their relationships every day. I get these calls from people 10, 15, 20 years. They've never took that. They've talked to me more about sex than a five minute call or an email to me than they ever have to a partner. So who created this culture of people? Decades where sex is shamed, it's shrouded in mystery. And even if people like, why, now that experience, my parents are pretty open about it. Or I had, I went to a very liberal school. That's great. But still, even if you were told it's okay and your parents were cool with it,

there's still a lot more to learn. We still are realizing that so many people that have grown with porn like the in their pocket, right? You were the digital generation, a group of an iPad in your hand. You've been seeing images of sex and porn since you were maybe eight years old. And so now in absence of the sex top or maybe very minimal sex top, it's now replaced by pornography. And what you've seen is that sex. So now I know nothing about sex or maybe I know it's going to get me pregnant and that's scary. And then I see porn.

So there's a lot of misinformation out there. And so I'm constantly, I think of what a lot of what I do is help people to unlearn and then relearn what sex actually is. So the fear, the shame, the embarrassment that all comes from a lot of lack information, misinformation, growing up in conservative religious backgrounds, and just the conversation about sex that being accurate or helpful. Yeah, I recently did an interview with Dr. Will Cole. I'm not sure if you're familiar with him, but he has a new book out called Gut Feelings, but we talked a lot about a term that he's created called Shame Flamation, which is that chronic stress. Yeah, chronic stress creates this continuance of shame and inflammation, and they both interact with each other. But when I was reading your book, you talked about how many people are not having

a great sex life and experiencing pleasure because of this problem that's rooted in shame. And I think it's so powerful because you don't really think about it that way. But in many ways, whether it's body image or other things that we tell ourselves, shame really does come into how we feel about ourselves and how much we're willing

to express ourselves to another person. It's true, shame is a huge factor. We don't even realize how much of it is keeping us from having the conversations, being sexual, being in our bodies. And I actually talk about different kinds of shame in the book, like raking into different ways that we experience it. And when you start to look at that, you recognize that it's literally everywhere.

The thing about shame is the more we shed light on our shame, we learn to talk about this stuff. It does go away. It's like shedding light on our shame. We learned to talk about this stuff. It does go away. It's like shedding light on our darkness, but it's so pervasive in why we don't want to talk about sex, why we don't feel comfortable in our bodies, and body shame. There's can posture syndrome.

There's these should be certain places that we're not. Yeah, shame is really heavy. We feel shame too growing up. Like we might even feel shame from if we touch ourselves right so even our first sexual experiences if we masturbated we could also feel shameful and we might feel shame every time we have sex because we still these messages that sex was wrong right so oh yeah yeah i mean in the Catholic religion i was brought up to believe that masturbation was a sin. So that's probably true with many different religious practices. Well, it's really true with many practices.

So not only that, we should talk about masturbation because I talk about that love book. It's actually a lot of you are shocked when I say this, but I want to reframe masturbation as part of being sexually healthy. It's actually part of being really connected to yourself and having better sex is having that relationship with yourself. For many people, they did grow up with messages around masturbation and they might not even remember it. They might have been at a very young age, maybe even pre-verbal, and they put their hands on their pants, and maybe a parent said, oh no, don't do that, that's dirty, that's

wrong. So even before they remember it, they know that touching themselves is wrong. And the reason why masturbation is so important is because it's how we connect with ourselves and how we learn our bodies and learn how to explain to our partners what feel good. Actually having an orgasm is part of being sexually healthy and helps with our dopamine levels and our stress

and help with our skin, help boost our immune system. So there's all these ways that it's great, but if we're told that it's shameful, then you get to relationship with somebody, and there's a lot of people who just feel like offended if they're partner masturbates and they feel like it's disrespectful, they feel betrayed, they're shame around it too. So people feel that they shame their partners, right? So it's a cycle that just, that doesn't end. Unless we decide that we want to take control and have agency over our bodies and our own sexuality, which I think is a choice.

I didn't make that choice, maybe today. Yeah, well, I know one of the things you talk about is mindful masturbation in the book. Why is that important? Mindful masturbation is important because that's what you do of a masturbation practice. A lot of it is just masturbate because we know what we like and we hit it and we quit it and that's done. And that's fine. There is no judgment on that. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. However, being more mindful, I'm very into mindfulness, meditation, and presence.

First, let me say this is that one of the most common complaints I hear of people and questions I get people is how do I be present for sex? Why am I so abstract in the bedroom? My thoughts are wondering, I'm thinking about other things, I can't get in the moment, I'm fantasizing about other things. They feel like they can't be present for their partner and that's a huge reason why people don't want to have sex to the pleasure. So mindful masturbation kind of merges the two and just teaching you mindful in this practice while also focusing on your pleasure. So if you're used to doing one thing the same way, like masturbating the same way, that's

fine. This is more of an intentionality around masturbation where you're slowing down and you are setting the time to just explore. It's not just about the goal of orgasm. The goal is exploration and take the time. You lock the door, you turn off your phone, you're not looking at porn or anything else. And again, I just want to stay side note.

I don't judge porn. I think that porn has great use in mutilating. We learn from it. Watch with a partner. That's great. For this practice in particular, take some time to just breathe. I talk a lot of the above, probably more than people would realize about breathwork and meditation and slowing down because that's how we're going to be feel more embodied and connected. So mindful masturbation is just the practice of being

present, being mindful with your touch, taking time to explore and getting curious, like how does it feel when I run my hand on my like inner elbow slowly up my arm or down my legs or teasing ourselves, like doing the things that we might want a partner to do. And then we start to really learn and pay attention to and then we go back to our breath of our mind, start to wander. So I've walked people through this, but even if you do it for 10, 15 minutes at a time and just think about what it curious, like what actually feels good, what doesn't feel good, what am I learning that I could share with a partner, and what could help me get closer to having more pleasure, what doesn't feel good, because lots of times we are very having sex with somebody or in a relationship and we are either people pleasing or we are, or form having sex more performatively.

I think this looks good to my partner. I hope this looks okay or feels good for them. Doesn't really feel great for me. So I don't feel like take their sex life back and realize that they are responsible for their own pleasure, their own orgasm, and this is a great way to start. Yeah, do you ever run into the situation where a listener has talked to you about

that they get more pleasure out of masturbation than they do having sex with their partner? A lot. Yeah, that's really common. I remember the first time I heard that, there's remember when I started a friend of mine said, Emily, I gotta tell you, good luck with this because most of my friends would rather masturbate than have sex with their wives.

Because when I started this, I was not the sex expert. So come to find out that a lot of people no matter what their gender do prefer to have best because they know that they're going to get there. They know how to do it. They know that I've loved to please themselves. But that to me is somebody who hasn't quite done the work yet of connecting with a partner on a deep intimate level.

And to me, there's might be a lot of shame as well. Like they don't feel comfortable being that intimate with somebody. Or there's fear, like, when I get into the pleasure themes, which is stress, trauma, and shame. And those are the things that's keeping us from deeply collecting to our partners, actually. So I would ask people who feel that way,

what's going on in your relationship where you feel like you're not able to be deeply intimate with your partner sexually or otherwise, I would say. Do you think if someone has unfortunately experienced rape or some type of child abuse or situation like that that can lead to the situation occurring? I think that many of us have experienced trauma, whether it's assault, rape, or just traumatic childhood. It lives in our bodies. So a lot of us experienced trauma, but let's go to a big T trauma. If you have had rape or assault, I 100% Recommend there's no other advice I have than to go to therapy and

To work on your trauma because trauma doesn't go away because time passes It actually gets deeper and great and got a cellular level into who we are And so there's some wonderful trauma therapies that are great for this kind of stuff that we can rewire your brain I'm really into EMDR therapy. I talk about that a lot of my show You can find more. I think it's mdrea.org and It's I movement therapy rewires and neuro pathways of your brain It's a way of talking about the trauma and release of our body because when something traumatic happens is we go into fight or flight

No matter what kind of trauma it happens as we go into fight or flight, no matter what kind of trauma it is. And we're in fight or flight, we are no longer in our sympathetic nervous system, right? We're always in a state of stress. And that's not going to change when we get into the bedroom. Therapy is just a monster. I think therapy, honestly, I will prescribe it to everybody. I think we all could benefit from some kind of therapy, having someone to talk to or better yet, an embodiment practice in therapy, which I would like to think EMDR is that you're reading and paying attention to things in our body. There's a reason why the body keeps score that book has been on the best cellar list for almost two years because people are realizing I think it was a shock. We were always except told

that our head, our brains and our bodies were separate and we realize it. It's all intertwined. That anything that's happened to us, that is traumatic, whatever it has been, lives in the tissues of our body, the issues are in our tissues. So when you go to have sex with somebody, be really intimate.

That's gonna trigger a extreme trauma response or just shutting down disassociation. You're head leaving your body, just a disconnection. And I had Dr. Christopher Palmer, who's a Harvard psychologist on the show earlier last year, and came out this groundbreaking book called Brain Energy. I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but in it, he came to the start on conclusion

that all mental disorders are metabolic disorders. So there's definitely a gut brain connection. I totally agree with what you're saying. I think so too. I wrote a little bit about the gut connection in my book too, because I think we're going to find that it is all related. What happens in our brains, what happens to our generals, you're not getting erections, like it's something out of your brain, it's blood flow, it's all connections, your diet, your exercise nutrition, That's fascinating. I totally believe that. We're learning more and more. Thank God. But all of this.

Thank God. Thank God. It's time. I'm going to go back to how you got started and all of this. In the book, you wrote that at 35, you thought your best sex was behind you, but you ended up finding the exact opposite was true. If the listener isn't familiar with you, which some of my listeners might not be, you actually have a doctorate in human sexuality. And when I was doing the research, I found that there are only two accredited programs for this. And it's interesting because when I looked at the curriculum, it dives into exploring the intersection of power and sexuality.

Can you explain a little bit more about that? Let me just say that there aren't that many credit universities and it was really hard to find a place to go. I was living in San Francisco at the time and I went back to school, got my doctorate. I hear from people all the time, I want to go to school for it and there's just really not. There's maybe more programs now. I'm a sexologist, I study how we are sexual beings. And so power and sexuality, it's funny. Is that what it said in the description

of my school, power and sexuality? When I think of power, I think of gender roles. And I think about how we, I think about the masculine and the feminine, and I think about energetics and polarities. And then I want to go off on a whole like woo landier but I feel like there's a lot about internalized misogyny for women and there's a lot of power dynamics where we feel like we have to I think about sex being a power exchange where a lot of times the feminine energy is not really allowed to express our sexuality there's been a lot of repression of the feminine energy is that really allowed to express our sexuality? There's been a lot of repression of the feminine. And so I think a lot of sexuality when you think about talk about polarity in the book. So the flip side of that is then every sexual connection there needs

to be a charge. I call it masculine and feminine in the book, but it could also be two men, two women, it could be any genders together. But if you think about it, somebody has to lead and somebody has to follow just for energy for attraction to happen. If there's two people who are passive in the bedroom together who are initiating sex is gonna happen. So it's more about energetics and understanding like a power exchange

to create eroticism. So let me complicate it subjectively cut up on the gender here. And what I really talk about is the different sides of the, you think of two madness or the positive and negative, you can't have two positives or two negatives. So I talk to you about what is the energetics that you want to bring? The feminist typically brings the energy and the movement and the math goes more of the container. And so how we

all play together energetically is a really important thing to understand the, or the power dynamics in your relationship. So, hope that makes sense. That explains it. Yeah. Well, as I was thinking about it, last year I interviewed, I don't know if you know I'm there in LA with you, John Kim, who's known as the angry therapist and Vanessa Higgins. And we were talking about why relationships fail or why sexual relationships fail. And as I got to think about this power and sexuality connection, in my mind, I came up with, often there's a power play. And they said, one of the biggest issues that happens in relationships is competition.

Do you think that can impact sex life? Ha, competition. For instance, you start getting jealous of your spouse or you start competing with them because maybe they are the aggressor in the bedroom or something like that. Listen, everything's gonna impact the bedroom. I want to understand that it's not about learning certain

positions. I will definitely get into those in the book. I give positions, I give my best oral sex tips and everything is there. But if you've got these underlying issues in your relationship, where you're competitive with each other, or you're threatened, or you're jealous, or in the bedroom, someone's initiating the other person's and you've resentments, that's a huge thing I see, that resentments build up over time in a relationship, and we don't deal with the resentments,

we're not going to be turned on around and wanting to have such other partners. We're not going to be turned on around and wanting to have set to their partners. Well, I think those resentments really get down to intentional choices that we're making. And this podcast is really about those micro choices that we make every day of our lives that are taking us closer to achieving our goals in life. And you reference this in the book through the term productivity

and creating a life of pleasure. And I believe that sex is one of those areas where how we apply our attentionality towards it plays a very huge role. Would you agree? I absolutely agree that we have to be more intentional with our sexuality and that productivity, where I talk about being intentional and being productive with sex that is right in the book I thought we think of that pleasure is such a heenistic pursuit and that we don't really deserve pleasure until we check everything off our list we've had dinner we get dessert we've worked really hard all week we get to have a go out for drinks. We get to go on vacation once a year. If I do flip it in the book and say pleasure is productivity. The more times we think about pleasure in my life, and I'm not just talking about sexual pleasure. I'm talking about pleasure in general. Going into nature, seeing your friends, petting your dog, going eating the food you love,

that that's actually going to help you be more productive in other areas of your life. But this whole like restrictive culture, we're not deserving. We feel guilt and shame around pleasure is actually anti-productive is not productive. So I want to reframe the pursuit of pleasure. I give tools in the book how to look at your pleasure score and how much of your life you're actually spending in a pleasurable place and pursuing pleasure and doing things that make you feel good and how often you're not. And I think it's pretty startling to look at how often we're how restricted we are as a culture and how much we keep ourselves from experiencing things that make us feel good. I recently interviewed Gaya Bernstein, who's an attorney at Seton Hall.

She teaches law there. And she has a new book out called Unwired and we were having this discussion about digital addiction. When it comes to digital addiction, we're making small choices unintentionally about how we're using it that inadvertently become huge ones. And I was thinking, as I was preparing for this, that the same thing happens when it comes to sex because we make small choices to either inhibit it or maybe we have different ways we want to explore it that our partner does. Maybe we're not letting our true self out. Maybe we're not discussing it. But I think the more we repress that and we make these tiny choices to ignore or to,

you see where I'm going with it, I think so. Yes, that's a wonderful point, John, that is so true. We don't absolutely sabotage ourselves and make so many choices that keep us from having satisfying, fulfilling sex and intimacy. I want to be a private witness. Sex isn't just penetration. Like I'm talking about intimacy. And yes, we are keeping ourselves from that all the time with little micro decisions

that are affecting the macro for sure. Wow, that's a really powerful. Going along those lines that intentionality that we have really has a lot to do with self awareness. And I thank many of us because of digital addiction and other things is we're spending so much time being distracted by so many other things around us that we're not spending enough time with ourselves, understanding what we really want to experience pleasure or happiness. I was hoping maybe you could explain that link between self-awareness and sex. Yes, absolutely. I'm so kind of on those micro decisions we're making. I'm like, wow, yes, self-awareness. So self-awareness is one of the pillars of sex IQ that I talk about in the book. And self-awareness is really just knowing ourselves, paying attention to slowing down and thinking about what do I know about myself sexually? What turns me on? What gets me in the mood? What brings

me closer to sex? What takes me away from sex, what are the decisions I'm making that are going to allow me to feel more sexual? What are the ones that are less sexual? What have I liked in the past? What do I like in the future? What do I know about myself? We've all put sex in its and then we go about our life. But by thinking about it intentionally and thinking there is so much to know about ourselves, sexually what we like and what we don't like. It doesn't have to be so mysterious because we are making decisions that are keeping us from sex. So for example, self knowledge would be,

I know that I don't like sex. That's just an example. I will not have sex in the morning because I'm exhausted. I like to get up, I like to like sex. That's just an example. I will not have sex in the morning because I'm exhausted. I like to get up. I like to work out. But in the evenings before 10 o'clock, that seems to be the sweet spot.

I think it's too late. Because when I'm finding it's in relationships lab, people need to like troubleshoot or hack their way to understanding their sex life. It's a way of like really thinking about, what do I know works because otherwise, there's people in a relationship. And they're, let's say there's always one person, there's always the high desire and the low desire partner.

There's always one person initiating and one person not initiating, which is a dynamic that is inherent and unfortunately two high desire partners never get together. So you're all in okay. Everyone's okay. We just got to learn to troubleshoot it. So how you do that? I just want to tell people this too. You want to have sex, right?

You're with a partner. You love, you're with them, you're in a relationship. And if you are in a relationship, like sex has got to happen to be, so that's where your roommate's, like if you're not having sex and you want sex, you want to connect, we got to figure out how to get there so you do want sex.

So self-knowledge is one of the pillars of understanding, like, think about the three most memorable times you've had sex. So the last three times you wanted sex, that's how you're gonna get knowledge. If you're like, what did she talk about? I know nothing, I don't pay attention. What was happening before that?

What was building up to that time that while you want vacation, like I love vacation sex, yeah, because you're not at home, you're not stressed, you're not staring at the same ceiling in the same bedroom doing the same things. Or maybe it was like, you had a babysitter like that you knew not stressed, you're not staring at the same ceiling in the same bedroom doing the same things. Or maybe it was like you had a babysitter like that,

you knew that you, like I said, you would out for dinner, you had date night. And you were gonna leave the house and you were really with your partner, you got to talk to them again, away from the kids. Or you had just come back from exercise class. And you thought like you're a door fits going and then adrenaline don't mean right?

So these are all the ways we would do packing that. I think it's really easy to both think when they don't want sex too. So I allow people to work reverse engineer. Like I know that if I haven't worked out and it's allowed with the books about is setting our lives up to feel more sexual because they'll do a lot of things

and just don't make us feel sexual. So like I know if I work out, I'm in therapy, I take my supplements, I communicate well with my partner, then I'm going to be more likely ready for sex than not. Through everything that you've studied, have you found that there's a secret to making great sex last? Communication, that's it. I'm telling you, healthy communication, I would say communication is a lubrication,

and I don't only meet communication with your partner, that's a big part of it, but it's communication with ourselves. What are the messages that we are telling ourselves about sex, about our bodies, about our capabilities that's keeping us from having the sex life that we deserve? Well, let's go into communication a little bit. I was going to do this later on in the interview, but we're here.

So why don't we do it now? What are the three teas of communication that you lay out in the book? The three teas are timing, tone, and turf. Everyone, this is how you're going to have any awkward conversation with your partner, whether it's sex or money or anything else. But let's start with sex, right? Three T's are timing tone and turf. So timing, you wanna make sure that any conversation you wanna have about sex.

Whether the conversation is, we've never talked about sex because I just listened to the passion start podcast and I realized we've never talked about it. I want to, this is how you do it. Timing is when you are, it's time to have a good conversation. It's not when you're stressed

for your angry, you're hungry, you're resentful for your partner, you're just feeling like you're in a good space and you'll know when it's the right time. But just be conscious about the time, it's not when you're going to rush you five minutes left to talk. It's like on a date night, on a road trip. And your tone is curious, it's open and it's supportive. It's not, we need to talk about sex or you never do these things or I'm this the last time I'm gonna have you reject me in the bedroom. No, it is open, it is curious that is your tone. Let's talk about our sex life. I realize we never have I think we can both agree. We want to be great lovers to each other. That's

tone. And the turf is outside the bedroom. And this one always surprises people because like, well, that's what I'm thinking about sex, sex is top of mind, we're in the bedroom. Leave the bedroom for sleeping and for sex. And let's talk about it when we are going for a walk with our partner, we're on a road trip. That's a great way to do it because you're not making eye contact. You don't have to make eye contact, but you can still have the conversation in a safe setting. How should we talk to our partner about sexual experimentation?

Maybe someone's in the bondage or someone is into anal sex or maybe someone wants to experiment with someone of the same sex with their partner. How do you broach those types of conversations? It's a great question. I think you do it in the same way. I also say some people come to me, they're like, I know that I want to be with someone of the same sex

or I know that I want to have a threesome or I know that, but we've never talked about sex, okay? So you don't start with, hey babe, good morning, here's your coffee. Wouldn't it be some be a good time? Like that is not speaking of coffee around us here. That is not how you have these conversations. You have to build up to it, right?

You have to like first say, are we good talking about sex? Have we decided that we want to be great lovers to each other? Do we both have a growth mindset around sex? And that's when you have to make sure that your partner's on board for it. And again, I encourage people to have these conversations when you first start dating someone.

Because what I hear from a lot of people already married are connected for a long time. And they're like, oh God, we've never done it. Which is also fine. That's like most of the plan right now because going back to earlier in the conversation, most people don't have experience talking about sex. So this is a process.

This is a process using three teas and saying, would you be open to that? Out of more people, there are a lot of people when we bring up sex for the first time with our partner, they go into fight or flight. They go into what did I do wrong? You're bringing up sex. Sex is our little thing that we do in the bedroom when we don't talk about it. What did I do wrong? I'm a terrible

person, I'm a bad lover. Like we go all these things go on our head. So you have to be prepared to be very comforting to your partner and say, listen, I know this might be awkward. I know this might be concerning. We've never talked about it, but I want you to know that I'd love to learn together how to be the best lovers ever, how to be comfortable talking about sex and to learn to explore. Would you be open to it? It's been useful for many couples over the years, like they'll listen to my podcast together.

And I used to not really understand this, but he would say, we drove all the way from Chicago to Detroit. We listened to your podcast the whole time, 10 hours, 12 hours. And I was thinking, that's a lot of podcasts. But what I realized is the way that I talk about sex is I normalize it. I talk about it like we're talking about the weather, like sunny with the chance of orgasms, right?

And then people realize, like, oh, why is it so weird? She can do it these, and then they hear the callers, people call into the show. And they start to understand that it's a language, or they can turn down and go, okay, what do you think about that? Dr. Emily says that we should Download her yes, no, maybe list to have fun. Would you do that? Oh, maybe not and they get couples talking It's like I'm a conversation starter for them and I understand the first have do this is really terrifying to people

But it gets a whole lot easier. I was not born this way. I don't think I ever had a conversation about sex till I was 35 So everyone feels like they're, oh my God, no, it's okay to start with your at. I think John, I'm so grateful you have me on the show because I just know that this is my mission is to get people to feel comfortable talking about it. So I'm glad we're really getting into it here. Yeah, well, I think another thing that people have

trouble with is, let's say you're not satisfied with the sex that you're having with your partner. Maybe you're the female and you're having to fake an orgasm because it's just not hitting your spot. How do you recommend giving sexual feedback so that the other person responds in a way that's gonna be powerful and helping both of you experience more pleasure.

It's a really good question. One of the great ways to do is to call the compliment sandwich. And the compliment sandwich is a very specific way to give constructive feedback that might be hard to give in a way that they can take the advice or take the suggestion and work with you on it and really hear what you're saying. And it goes like this. So think of the sandwiches you've got two pieces of bread and you've got like the meat in the middle. So the first layer of bread would be, hey, I really would love to, like, now I'm gonna tackle it.

You said faking orgasms, which by the way, I opened a book with this, but like I faked orgasms. So I was like 35 with a partner. I should also let everyone know that only 20 to 30% of women have orgasms during penetration. That's what surprises me every day. That people still let everyone know that only 20 to 30% of women have orgasms during penetration. That's what surprises me every day. That people still don't know that and that women walk around still feeling broken.

I just talked to my friends daughter who's 18 and she had five minutes alone with me and said, I'm with a boyfriend right now and I'm making orgasms. So this is why I still do the work every day because here's somebody who's decades younger than I am and Still is feeling like she has to fake it. So anyway, compliment sandwich So I want to talk about our sex life and I want to say like I love I love our connection

You talk what's in that you love like I hope that you really into it It is so hot the way you go down to me like our oral sex is Next level like when I see you going down there and you're tongue and then things you do feel amazing. And then you say, and I want you to know that sometimes I realize that I'm more likely to have orgasms that way or with a finger or with some other things. But when we're having penetration, I feel like we're just not hating the spot. I feel like we're just not hating the spot. And sometimes I feel like I'm about to orgasm. I might have even seen like I'm having orgasm or fake to orgasm,

but I'm really not. I really know that this is the way I'm going to do it. And then you close it with. And I really think that if we can focus on other ways for me to have pleasure and for me to really be able to explain to you what I need that our sex life is going to the next level and then I'll be able to be a great lover you find what you need and I can't wait to try all these things with you. So that's it. You come in for something you're into, you give some feedback in the middle and then you're like, why is this great for both of us? and then you're like, why is this great for both of us? You fake orgasms. Like, I'm not saying that it's gonna be done.

And then you go back to, yeah, I'm learning about my body. I'm learning that I don't think that you would want that either. I'm so sorry, but this is all the things that I do like. I realize that I fake it because I want to do to feel good. Like, the right partner's gonna be like, okay. And then they're gonna realize that like, it's not even all about orgasms, about connection and intimacy. And once you let go of all the pressure, it's not even all about orgasms, about connection and intimacy.

And once you let go of all the pressure, there's going to be a lot more orgasms happening. I guarantee it. So audience, think about that Muffiletto sandwich that you had for lunch. Well, I want to make sure we get into a couple of the core components of your book. And you mentioned it earlier, one of the areas that you really go into is something that you call sex IQ. What are the five pillars of sex IQ? And why are they significant?

OK, the five pillars of sex IQ, these are five pillars that are directly impacting your sex life. Your ability to be sexual, aroused, turned on, have orgasms, have pleasure. And I often think that people don't didn't see the connection between them. So I'm giving you the pillars, so you can learn to up-level your sex IQ. First one is embodiment. How embodied are we? How is my mind and my body

connected? So I can pick up on my physical and my mental cues. And so I can be present during sex. So that's the first one. That's embodiment. And I give a lot of tips for feeling more embodied, like recognizing my first time at mindful masturbation. That's a great embodiment and I give a lot of tips for food for feeling more embodied like wrecking recognizing members about mindful masturbation. That's a great embodiment exercise Where am I feeling sensations of my body the next one is our health and I think that it's your mental health and your physical health Are you on a certain medication that's gonna be impacted your ability to be turned on are you moving your body? Are you exercising blood flow? Is it huge connection to our ability to get aroused? Prioritize your wellness. The

non-negotiables are nutrition, exercise, diet therapy. Collaboration. Collaboration is about communication. Traveminifilm intimate sexual experiences you need to be able to communicate and collaborate with your partner. You have to have these conversations because you could be really healthy, you could be really embodied, but if you've never talked about sex, it's going to be really hard to be an excellent giving lover. Fourth one is self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is there's so many environmental physical psychological factors that can help us from knowing

ourselves, understanding ourselves. You must understand your arousal patterns, how you get turned on. What are all the things that are going to get me in the mood for sex like we talked about earlier and like knowing that and bringing that to the table. I'm constantly monitoring what do I know what I'm talking about. And the last one is self acceptance. We must love, accept, and find confidence in our body, who we are, how far we've come, how much experience we have to this day.

Our bodies, they're changing all the time. Do we accept who we are as sexual beings and know that we are worthy in deserving of pleasure right now today? You and I already talked about collaboration as one of the key pillars. I wanted to dive into something in that health component. And that is, how does poor sleep impact our sex life? Oh my God, poor sleep. And we're learning so much about sleep these days.

If you are not sleeping, if you are like exhausted all the time, and we know that poor sleep is impacting our mental health, our physical health, if you're not sleeping, there's no way that you're going to be in a state to be connected and aroused and turned on. You might not have a lot of blood flowing. You might be having a lot of negative thoughts. You might be on a schedule that's not going to make you feel more embodied and present. And so sleep, their finding is impacting like every, every, every life. So really, you got to hack your sleep. There's so many great sleep tips right now,

but it's like getting to bed at the same time every single night, putting your phones outside the bedroom. Think about it, if we go into our bedroom, we go in different times every night, we're on our phones, we're scrolling, scrolling, there's no room for a rouse or to come in to feel connected to our body. And in fact, people are just not going to bed.

We're wake up in the middle of the night. Our bodies are not going to be in healthy as state to feel a rouse. Like I do this to my partner. Like we leave our phone that's at the bedroom. We're really trying to, again, I am not perfect what we are trying to go to bed at the same time and keep TVs screened outside the bedroom. Well, like then you realize we're here to connect to be intimate. It's like there's more space, but literally our phones, our technology are coming in between us literally our phones, our technology are

coming in between us and our partners and our ability to feel sexual. Now pleasure. Okay, and I wanted to ask you another question about sleep, and that is, how does sleep and masturbation relate with each other? Masturbation can help us fall asleep. I think that's a really big, another, encourage people to feel like, I never, I never that's a really big, another curative of feeling like, I never, I never, I never people all the time, I never masturbate. I don't have time.

I'm in a relationship. I don't need to. I'm not in a relationship. I'm gonna wait till I get to the partner. No, masturbation is a great way of you are having sleep issues. Masterbait is gonna help you fall asleep. It helps us sleep better.

It helps facilitate rest states. It's releasing all those hormones that can allow us to fall into a restful state while feeling some pleasures. Yeah, I would highly encourage people to pick up a masturbation practice if they want to learn to sleep better. That it works for many people.

And I'm gonna go back to emotional health here for a second and shame. Oftentimes we blame ourselves for drinking too much, or smoking too much, or eating too much junk food. We're spending too much time on our phones as we've been talking about. But people also blame themselves for possibly having an addiction to sex,

or maybe not having the sex life that they want. What causes the cycle of self blame? And how do you break free from? Blaming yourself for not having the sex life that you want. I think what causes it is just. A lot of things I think negative self talk not accepting our bodies I would say it's like the opposite of all these pillars about the opposite you. are beating yourself up. You don't feel good in your body. You are not connecting to a partner. You're not taking care of yourself sexually. Maybe you've tried to sex. You're not able to get a rouse turned on, have an erection, have orgasms. You're doing everything that's antithetical to

having great sex. So you're not going to feel very inepted and you're going to continue to beat yourself up and not feel sexual. And I think that these are all the reasons that we feel woefully disconnected and not ready for sex. I think the cycle starts from not acknowledging that sex is important, not prioritizing and not paying attention to it. And then allowing all these other things to get into a way and to keep us from feeling connected and sexual.

I think that we just don't prioritize sex. We think it's gonna magically happen. And then when it doesn't happen, we literally don't know what to do about it. And so either we blame our partners, or we blame ourselves. And so what I try to do in the book is I try to give people like,

look behind the curtain, are you on a medication? Are you not working out? Do you have resentments with your partner? Do you want treated trauma? Do you walk around all day hating your body? Like literally saying like, don't let my body, don't let my look and then you expect you're going to get in the bedroom and you're going to feel sexual. So there's all these little things that we're doing every day, it's little microaggressions to our bodies, to ourselves.

And so as a result of that, we are just not thrown down and ready for sex at all ever. I wanted to make sure I had some time to ask you some questions about sex. So there have been various studies that have occurred really starting in 2018 that are showing that adults are spending an average of five and a half hours on their phones and adolescents and teenagers are spending even more than that. And we all know that people are gaming, but more than that, they're living out their fantasies online. And I saw a podcast recently that Andrew Huberman did

where he was talking about the negative impacts of porn on our lives. And I wanted to ask you, how does our relationship with porn impact our sex lives, both negatively, but also how could it be positive? It's a great question. I think that we, so let's talk about the positives first.

Some positives to porn is that it can be a great tool to get ourselves a rouse. We can learn some things from porn, especially if it's like ethical porn. There's some sites that I love that I think are more made for the female gaze, and that's for the male gaze. It can be really hot to watch the partner. Maybe there's like something you want to try or kinky want to try and you find a scene of porn and you can show each other what your turn on is. I'm all for like tools helping us facilitate the sex life that we want to have. And porn and moderation is great, but like anything,

we're talking about addictions, too much of anything is gonna cause a problem, right? So we're talking about kids who grow up with porn that's all that they're seeing, right? That's sex to them. And then we really talk to, realize that it feels really good and watching porn,

that's the nap, they feel safe watching porn, and then people can start to escalate their porn watching. So they're watching something and it's really hot. And then people can start to escalate their porn watching. So they're watching something and it's really hot. And then they're like, well, what could I want? Does it even work stream? By extreme, I mean, it's like, maybe they're watching three

sums and then they're watching more like abusive porn or like gang bangs. And again, I'm very careful in my language. I don't speak in absolutes because for some people like watching a gang bang is like really hot. Everyone's all, that's fine. But I'm talking about people like, they keep escalating to the point where they actually feel bad

themselves. They're like, I'm not gonna do this. Okay, now I'm gonna watch it and then they can't stop and it becomes this escalation and it becomes this point where they actually can't get aroused and turned on with a partner. They can only get aroused and porn because we wear our brains around what we do the most of.

So we can addicted to our phones in the same way, to distraction, porn watching becomes this repetitive cycle. That's what sex becomes. It just becomes a replacement and addiction in that way. But addiction, I don't want it to get into it, but like in my field, they're like, oh, people are so like, you can't be addicted to sex, you can't be addicted. I don't love to use that language, but all I'm saying is that we all know if we have a problem with something,

and people ask me like, do you think I'm addicted to porn? It's like, is there a consequence? Are you feeling like you can no longer get a browser to your partner? Your late for meeting is because you're watching porn all the time. It's all you're watching. Like then, if it's a problem and you're asking me like, then we can do something about it. So I think that's where we see the challenges that are important when it just escalates to a point where it no longer feels like we have agency over our bodies and our sex life. Just talking to my fiance today about having you on the show and she was telling me earlier today that there are actually three different female organisms. And maybe they're more than that, but she was saying that they're three different types. Can you talk about them and how they differ? Because this is something the audience probably yeah, we're so we different types. And thing is again, here's what we got to say.

The science and the study of female sexuality is in this infant status. We just discovered while I was writing the book that the clitoris doesn't have 8,000 nerve endings as 11,000 nerve endings. We've not studied female sexuality. So I think in my book, I may be talking about 10 different kinds of orgasms. There's super ways to slice it, but there's the clitorial orgasm, which is the clitoris is the external part of the vagina, which is on the vulva, but it actually is internal clitorial nerve endings.

So it's external, but it's also internal. We're still learning this as well. But that's the most common kind of orgasm that a lot of women have had when they're like riding a bike, when they're little, or they're pumping a pillow, or they're in the shower, like some people that orgasms that way, when they're younger, they're like, oh, I know that one, or they have it,

when their partner's touching them, or they're rubbing up against them, that's clital risk. And there's the internal orgasm, that's more like called the G spot I call the G area because I still believe that like it might be a spot but it's also interwoven with the internal clitoral nerves. And then there's like a blended orgasm you can have when you have both of those at the same

time. There's the A spot, there's the P spot, there's an anterior orgasm which is the anterior weld the vagina, we just work closer to the front of the vagina, there's the P spot, there's an anterior orgasm, which is the anterior weld, the vagina. We just work closer to the front of the vagina. There's the pea spot, we just wore in the back. I outline all of these in my book. There's all these different kinds of orgasms, but I also didn't want to overwhelm people because I just want people to focus on going back

to mindful masturbation. I just want people to focus on what kind of orgasms feel good. Like I just want people to get down the ones that feel good and then we can start to explore. And how you're gonna have these orgasms are either with fingers or mouth or toys or maybe with the penis, but yeah, it's gonna come from our own exploration. Okay. And one other question along these lines would be how do you get radically more pleasure out of classic sex positions. out of class sex sex positions. Yeah, there's only a few sections. I don't at least in the book,

but I think you're more pleasure by changing up your angles, adding a pillow under your bum, moving like one part is on the bed and one part is on it standing up, just adjusting your position, moving from the bed to the couch. Another thing is loop, add loop to every sexual situation. I'm a huge fan of Lou Perquant. It's gonna make every position feel better, become sex, sex, feel better, whether you're wet,

not wet, it's just a consistent, like, bring some block on a cloudy day, so that I wear at least Lou. And I would say the other thing is adding a toy to any sexual situation makes it better, makes it feel good. And toys are for all denders, all body parts. We have so many nerve endings on our body that we add a little bit to our little bit of loop. You're going to have a whole lot more pleasure.

Okay, and then the last question Emily would be if there was one takeaway that you would want a reader or a listener to get from your book, what would it be? Good question. Start where you're at today. Like I said, I'm going to say again that communication is a lubrication because that's really my most often repeated advice, my best advice. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay if a lot of this is new for you and just started to look at how you're going to communicate with yourself and others about sex from today going forward. It's never too late to start. Okay, well, Emily, congratulations again on the launch of this great

book. And thank you so much for the honor of coming on the show. Thank you for having me, John. I really appreciate it. What a fantastic interview that was with Dr. Emily Morse, and I wanted to thank Emily, Alyissa Fortnato, and Harper Collins, for the privilege of having her on today's show. Links to all things Emily will be in the show notes at passionstruck.com. Please use our website links if you purchase any of the books from the guests that we feature on the show. All proceeds go to supporting the show. Videos are on YouTube, both at John Armiles and Passionstruck Clips. As I mentioned at the beginning, we are also now on syndicated radio every Monday and Friday from 5 to 6 p.m. on the AM FM 247 National broadcast. Links will be in the show notes. Avertise or deals and discount codes are in one

community place at PassionStruck.com slash deals. I'm on LinkedIn where you can subscribe to my newsletter or you can find me anywhere on social media at John R. Miles where I post daily doses of inspiration, hope, and meaning. If you want to know how I book amazing guests like Emily Morse, it's because of my network. Go out there and build yours before you need it. You're about to hear a preview of the PassionStark podcast I did with Mind Valley co-founder, Christina Mondlachiani, about her new book Becoming Flaless, the key to living an imperfectly authentic life, which exposes the perils of perfectionism and invites us to reclaim our true selves, flaws, and all.

We learn to use love as currency in a very transactional way, and to earn that currency, we need to do the right things, and when we do that, wrong things, we lose the currency. That's the economy of success, of chasing success, or chasing perfectionism. No, so when we grow up, very often that voice of a loving mother, or a caring teacher, or sister, or a friend, is replaced by our own self-talk. We keep doing the same. We think that the only way I can be lovable and worthy if I do the right things, if I keep accomplishing it, if I keep being good, good boy, good girl, successful study well, and so on and so on. It's amazing when people are ambitious, but our ambitions should not be

fueled by our need to feel our worth and our need for love. Because once they are fueled by these two things, it's a dead end. The fee for this show is that you share it with family and friends when you find something interesting or useful. If you know someone who is looking to explore the sexuality, then definitely share today's episode. The greatest compliment that you can give us is when you share the show with those that you love and care about. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can love and care about. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. And until next time, go out there and be Ash and Strang.

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