Passion Struck with John R. Miles - Learning How To Be Vulnerable and 5 Steps to Build It w/John R. Miles EP 202

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

Learning to be vulnerable can be messy because it comes with significant risks and big rewards. It's difficult to put ourselves out there because we fear it could impact our reputation or may even cause us to lose our partners or friends. But, the power of vulnerability also leads to finding a beautiful sense of belonging and being embraced by others. In today's episode, I will tackle vulnerability by sharing the story of my friend who struggled with how to be vulnerable. I will discuss what being vulnerable means, why we avoid it, the benefits of being vulnerable, and five ways I have found you can build it. -► Get the resources and all links related to this episode here: https://passionstruck.com/learning-how-to-be-vulnerable/  Read the transcript here: https://johnrmiles.com/learning-how-to-be-vulnerable-5-ways-to-get-there/  --► For information about advertisers and promo codes, go to: https://passionstruck.com/deals/  --► Prefer to watch this interview: https://youtu.be/GfbPTGIRiCs  --► Subscribe to Our YouTube Channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/c/JohnRMiles --► Subscribe to the Passion Struck Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/passion-struck-with-john-r-miles/id1553279283  Thank you, Amazon Pharmacy, Indeed, and MasterClass, For Your Support Amazon Pharmacy -  Just Click https://amazon.com/passionstruck Indeed - Head to https://www.indeed.com/passionstruck, where you can receive a $75 credit to attract, interview, and hire in one place. MasterClass - Get 15% off at https://www.masterclass.com/passionstruck  -- John R. Miles is the CEO, and Founder of PASSION STRUCK®, the first-of-its-kind company, focused on impacting real change by teaching people how to live Intentionally. He is on a mission to help people live a no-regrets life that exalts their victories and lets them know they matter in the world. For over two decades, he built his own career applying his research of passion-struck leadership, first becoming a Fortune 50 CIO and then a multi-industry CEO. He is the executive producer and host of the top-ranked Passion Struck Podcast, selected as one of the Top 50 most inspirational podcasts in 2022. Learn more about John: https://johnrmiles.com/  ===== FOLLOW JOHN ON THE SOCIALS ===== * Twitter: https://twitter.com/Milesjohnr * Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/johnrmiles.c0m * Medium: https://medium.com/@JohnRMiles​ * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/john_r_miles * LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/milesjohn/ * Blog: https://johnrmiles.com/blog/ * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast * Gear: https://www.zazzle.com/store/passion_sruck_podcast  

Coming up next on the Passion Struck Podcast, vulnerability is a very necessary aspect of our coexistence as humans. We are all hardwired to connect with one another. As positive relationships are crucial to human well-being, vulnerability is the driving force of this much-needed connection. It's simply impossible to connect and form beneficial bonds with others without it. Welcome to PassionStruct. Hi, I'm your host, John Armiles, and on the show,

we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guest-ranging from astronauts

to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello everyone and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 202 of PassionStruck. Thank you to all of you who come back to the show each and every week. And listen and learn how to live better, be better, and impact the world.

If you're new to the show, thank you so much for being here. Or you would like to introduce this to a friend or family member. We now have episode starter packs, both on Spotify as well as the PassionStruck website. These are collections of our fans, favorite episodes. We organize into convenient topics to give any new listener a great way to get acquainted to everything we do here on the show. Just go to passionstruck.com slash starter packs to get started.

In a case you missed my episodes from earlier this week, we had two new book launches, one featuring Laura Vandercam, and we launched her to brand new book Tranquility by Tuesday, and then we had on Dr. Suzanne Gilbert Glens, and we unveiled her new book Menopause Bootcamp. Please go check them both out. I also wanted to acknowledge our fan of the week, Jacqueline Scott, who writes, What an interview, I love Rachel Hollis. But that interview John did was one of the best that I've ever seen Rachel give. John was able to get Rachel to be very vulnerable and the exchanges between the two

showed the chemistry and respect that they had for each other. Love the guests and the variety of topics that John has on the show. I Lee recommend Passion Struck. Jacqueline, thank you so much for taking the time. For writing that review for us. They go such a long way in helping us expand this Passion Struct community as well as improve our overall visibility and ratings, both on Apple and Spotify. Now, let's talk about today's episode. In my episode from last week in case you missed it, I explained why experiencing pain is the pathway to growth.

Today, I'm going gonna expand on that episode by exploring the power of vulnerability and how it relates to overcoming that pain we experience. But let me first ask you a few questions. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you needed help or support, but didn't feel like you could reach out for help because you feared being judged, rejected, or embarrassed?

Do you bottle up your emotions and keep them to yourself? Do you ever feel like you're disappointed with yourself? One was the last time that you felt things were completely out of control. Do you sometimes feel lonely? These are all questions that we can relate to. We are all imperfect human beings with false shortcomings and limitations.

But often, we feel guarded and disguise our pain and emotions. We feel shame and limitations. But often we feel guarded and disguise our pain and emotions. We feel shame and fear. And instead of opening up and reaching out for support, we put on a facade of confidence and suffer in silence and isolation. Often we hide behind a mask to keep our challenges and struggles to ourselves

as we go through our daily routine and put on a smiling face while we arrive on the inside, all of this is happening because we often hold ourselves back from being vulnerable. After all, we are afraid we'll be rejected if we open up to others. This fear of our big feelings can make us feel like the risk of sharing our vulnerability is not worth taking. Vulnerability in the context of today's episode refers to your ability to express the truth of your feelings and the need for help at any given moment in time. It is opening up your heart and letting

others see you for who you are. Despite whatever fears or doubts you might be feeling, expressing vulnerability can be terrifying at times, but it is always a brave and rewarding thing to do when done with the right people. In today's episode, I will enlighten you on the importance of vulnerability and the need to constantly practice it and enjoy its many benefits. I will begin with a short story that a friend of mine shared with me about a time that he terribly struggled with vulnerability and how he learned to be vulnerable after that particular experience. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your hosting guide on your journey to creating an intentional life.

Now, let that journey begin. [♪ Music playing in background We'll be right back to the PassionStruck podcast. Your business can't keep waiting for your dream hire to sweep you off your feet. How do you find them right now? You need indeed, which is the hiring platform where you can attract interview and hire all in one place.

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struct, terms and conditions apply, cost per application price and not available for everyone. Need to hire? You need Indeed. With Masterclass, you can learn from the world's best minds. Anytime, anywhere and at your own pace, you can learn how to become a better writer from legendary authors like Malcolm Gladwell, James Patterson, Dan Brown, Amy Tan, and Amanda Gorman. Improve your business skills from Dan Pink, who is just on this show, Sarah Blakely,

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access to every class and as a passion struck listener you get 15% off an annual membership. Go to masterclass.com slash passion struck now. That's masterclass.com slash passion struck for 15% off masterclass. Please consider those who support the show and make it free for our listeners. Evertiser deals and discount codes are in one convenient place at passionstruck.com slash deals. Growing up, Victor was always reserved and quite withdrawn. These traits were more pronounced in his teenage years. This didn't mean he was shy or avoided interacting with people. In fact, Victor held several leadership positions in high school and had many friends, but he only shared so much of himself and constantly put up some type of shield against anyone seeing deep inside of him. He also didn't like asking for help and preferred to try to handle all things alone.

Victor was accepted to university and it was during that time at university that a particular experience helped him to begin his journey to overcome vulnerability. When Victor was 18, he received his first ever ATM card. It was evening and he stepped out of his room to withdraw cash from one of the available ATMs. Victor got in line and when it was his turn, he pulled out his debit card and inserted it into the machine.

It was his first time using one and as you might expect he was pretty nervous. He clicked on the button to confirm that he wanted to make it withdraw. He clicked on the account type, selected the amount and pressed OK. However, after completing these steps, the only response that he got was transaction failed. He repeated the same steps again and got the same result. At this point, he felt he must have done something wrong, and the natural instinct to ask someone for help in the queue kicked in, but he resisted. He thought to himself, I would rather not withdraw cash now than to have to ask for help, because he was afraid of the embarrassment and judgment.

He could face, if if people knew he didn't know how to operate as something as simple as an ATM. And so he left to go in search of another ATM to try. He found one and repeated the same process. Yet he got the same response, transaction failed. Still unwilling to ask anyone for help, Victor decided that he would just go to his bank the following day and ask one of their employees for assistance. However, he was so hungry and he needed the cash via meal because none of the available restaurants around him were accepting electronic forms of payment. The only option he had was to borrow money from one of his friends or roommates, but he quickly disregarded

that thought, preferring to go hungry and wait until the following day to get help from the bank. The next day came, Victor woke up extremely hungry, and ventured to the bank in the early morning. He told the attending staff what happened, and they told him that he had mistakenly flipped the wrong bank account and selected savings instead of checking. He thanked the staff, went directly to the ATM, and finally made his withdrawal, thinking all the time how he could have saved himself, all that trouble, if he had simply been vulnerable enough to ask for help. He also thought about how he could have asked for help from a friend or roommate so he wouldn't have had to go hungry.

Like my friend here, we can all relate to times where we held back from reaching out for help like Victor did. This holding back affects us adversely. And in some cases, the lack of vulnerability can even be fatal. I'll give you a quick example. A story in the Atlantic magazine written by a waiter in a Manhattan restaurant tells the story of how men would sometimes choke to death because they hid in the bathroom and refused to ask for help, feeling embarrassment, a direct result of not being vulnerable.

So you may be now wondering, given the many benefits of vulnerability, why do so many people avoid it? Before I explore the answer to this question, let me first clarify what vulnerability really is. The first point I will make is that vulnerability doesn't mean oversharing, which implies saying everything about yourself to anyone and everyone. Oversharing may just indicate a lack of boundaries on your part. At the end of the day, you're still an individual with the need for privacy. In being vulnerable, you have to be intentional with what you're sharing about yourself and with whom you're sharing it with.

The second point is that vulnerability is not a strategy or tactic that you can use on others, so that they pity you and may be manipulated into doing what you want. It has to be a genuine openness and invitation of others into your life to see you for who you are so that they can offer their love, help and support. Vonderability takes a lot of bravery and you have to be willing to trust and open up

without any guarantee of receiving anything in return. It cannot be done casually. So now that I've explained what vulnerability is, why do people avoid being vulnerable? Certain factors make it very difficult for people to practice vulnerability and seek help and support when needed. The following points highlight some of these factors. Fear of being ignored, rejected, or embarrassed by those that you seek help or connection with, a previous betrayal by someone else, has trauma which you haven't healed from,

a wrong belief that you can handle life alone, as well as overthinking things. Now that we know the factors that make practicing vulnerability difficult, we are a step closer to learning how to tackle them to enjoy all the benefits this vital trait offers. The need for vulnerability and the benefits that are crew, for those who practice it, is what I will now dive into. Vulnerability is a very necessary aspect of our coexistence as humans. We are all hardwired to connect with one another, as positive relationships are crucial for our well-being. Vulnerability is the driving force of this much-needed connection.

It's simply impossible to connect and form beneficial bonds with others without it. In a nutshell, vulnerable people have the following qualities. They are self-aware and have a great sense of self-worth. They trust and respect others accordingly. They are very empathetic. They make great partners and enjoy thriving relationships. They communicate very well. They take responsibility for their errors and mistakes, their great team players. They constantly seek to grow emotionally and spiritually, and they bring out the best in others. So now that you understand just how powerful vulnerability can be, let's delve into some ways to express it. The following are five ways that the power of vulnerability

can be developed, practiced, and expressed. First, accept yourself. Vulnerability begins with accepting oneself. This entails accepting your reality for what it is currently rather than wishing that things were different about you. This doesn't mean that you don't hope for or work on yourself to become better,

but it means that you are not ashamed of yourself or your current situation. In episode 133 that I did on the topic of accepting yourself, I shared the story of Sam Burns, who suffered from a rare genetic disorder known as progeria, which caused Sam to rapidly age. Yet he could live a fulfilling life because he first accepted himself and was vulnerable enough to share his life with others. Love, understand, appreciate, and spend time with yourself and your thoughts. Know that you are enough and that you will gain the confidence to let others see the imperfectly perfect you and share yourself with them so that they can be a value to you in your personal growth.

Second, admit your need for help and support. I'm sure you've heard of this common idiom. A problem shared is a problem halved. This proverbial saying is used to express the idea that when you face difficulties, it is valuable to talk to someone about them. No person is an island and no one can do everything alone. We all need help every now and then. You must learn how to be comfortable enough to turn to your loved ones and other people who are close to you who could be of assistance. When you were at your lows rather than isolating yourself, as I shared earlier about my friend's story of not seeking help when he needed it, you also could be in those shoes, but as Victor realized how he needed to

be vulnerable, you can also learn how to share your challenges with someone. You can never tell how willing that they may be to help and support you. Third, be honest about your feelings. Our feelings are simply what they are and allow us to experience an infinite array of emotions. You have to be sincere with how you feel and how you share those feelings even when they're difficult, things like anger, frustration, disappointment, only by being honest will you heal from them rather than being numb by them, as I explained in episode 142 on the need for emotional healing. You are not separate from your feelings, so you can't pretend that they don't exist or try to express them in ways that aren't true. This will only result in self-sabotage,

and people won't be able to see you for who you truly are. So make sure you say exactly how you feel, so that the people that you're expressing your vulnerability to will know how to effectively be of help. Fourth, practice empathy. In episode 118 that I did on the importance of empathy, I explained that being empathetic is a cornerstone for successful relationships. When you practice

empathy, you can connect with people on a much deeper level and get them to be open with you as well, resulting in you inevitably feeling more comfortable with being vulnerable with them and others around you. I'm maximizing the power of vulnerability to understand and be patient with others. You will be getting the same in return. And if you don't get that response, that you're particularly hoping for, empathy will help you keep your heart open

and patient yet towards even more people. We'll be right back to the Passion Struck podcast. When I need to go to the drugstore, I always seem to wait to the last minute. Hoping, they'll be open, dreading that I get stuck in a line. That's why I love Amazon Pharmacy. Yes, that Amazon. Amazon Pharmacy delivers a better pharmacy experience that delivers directly to your door and works with most insurance plans. Amazon Pharmacy helps you save time, money, and stay healthy. There's transparent pricing so you know what you'll pay before you pay it. And prime members can save up to 80% off their prescriptions.

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However, you must make up your mind, be courageous enough to express your true self no matter how frightful it may seem. Allow yourself to feel your fear, then face it and conquer it as I shared an episode 130 on how to stop living in fear and letting it control you. You can't always wait for time that things are gonna be perfect. For such time, we'll likely never come. You have to take action right where you are. You may find yourself pushing back often, but be patient with yourself and don't allow yourself to succumb to fear. So I discussed a lot in today's episode on the Power of Vulnerability. Let me

summarize this and give you some action steps. Best Selling Author and Professor for an A Brown, a leading figure and expert on the subject of vulnerability. Summed up what vulnerability is with the following words, vulnerability is not winning or losing. It's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not a weakness. It's our greatest measure of courage. In her 2010 TED Talk on the power of vulnerability, she mentioned that one of her most significant findings from her six-year period of study was that those who had a strong feeling of worthiness, love and belonging were those who fully embraced vulnerability and believed

that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. We are all imperfect humans in an imperfect world and we need to come to the realization that that's okay. We are all learning every single day and there's no need to keep our struggles to ourselves because we all go through them. We were made to connect with one another, which is what we must do. When we seal off our hearts and minds from vulnerability, we may be shielded from hurt, but by extension we are also protected from love as well as intimate connection. For they all come into our lives through the same door. Closing that door to one is sealing it to all. So in essence, vulnerability may allow for the feeling of pain, but it ultimately also makes it possible for us to

experience love, acceptance, joy, and all the good things that come from connection with others. You definitely don't want to miss out on all of that. So make up your mind to intentionally practice vulnerability and you can be sure you will be better because of it. I hope you all enjoyed the show and I wanted to thank everyone who wrote in this week and especially those of you who came and listened today. A link to the show notes will be in the transcript. Videos are all in one convenient place at John R. Miles on YouTube. Please go, subscribe and check out our over 400 videos that we have. Evertiser deals and discount codes are all in one convenient place at passionstruck.com. Slash deals. You can find me on Instagram and Twitter at John R. Miles and I'm also on LinkedIn,

where I have a weekly newsletter, or you can sign up for a weekly newsletter on the PassionStruck website as well. You're about to hear a preview of the PassionStruck podcast interview that I did with Dolly Chug, who's a professor at NYU, a New York Times bestselling author, and we unveiled her new book, A More Just Future. I really am invested in this being the greatest country

on earth. I'm really invested in us being the good guys. So I consider myself a proud patriot. The dilemma though is when I hold onto that image in a very brittle way, like either it is true or it's not, it puts me in an awkward position when you start poking holes. So the patriot's dilemma is if I'm wedded to that very

clean narrative, then the complications, the contradictions and the nuances are just going to shatter me. Remember, we rise by lifting others. So share this episode with those that you love. And if you found this episode on vulnerability useful, please share it with those who could use the advice that I gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. And until next time, live life, passion struck.

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