Passion Struck with John R. Miles - Letting Go of a Toxic Friend Or A Relationship You Have Outgrown w/ John R. Miles EP 33

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Have you ever wondered when it is time to let relationships or friendships go? In doing so, you will learn why you take your power back by letting toxic people go.  Learn the keys to letting go of a toxic friend or a relationship you have outgrown. Thank you for listening to the Passion Struck podcast. In this powerful Momentum Friday Episode, John R. Miles discusses why you take your power back by letting toxic people go. New Interviews with the World's GREATEST high achievers will be posted every Tuesday with a Momentum Friday inspirational message! It might sound harsh, but you do not have to hold onto a friendship that you have outgrown or has become a toxic relationship. Humans are social by nature and we need friendship and support as we venture through life. While it is normal to want to form long-term friendships, the reality is that you are under no obligation to remain friends with someone who is toxic, holds you back from personal growth, or that simply does not have common interests with you any longer.  Show Notes About a Toxic Friend or Relationship You Have Outgrown Learning That Friendships Change Why You Don't Have To Hold Onto Toxic People Why We Main Loyal to Outgrown Relationships Five Signs That Indicate Toxic People What You Do When a Friendship Isn't Working   Quotes From John R. Miles "It might sound harsh, but you do not have to hold onto a friendship that you have outgrown." "There is no winning in a toxic relationship." "Just because your relationship or friendship was one time successful, It does not mean that you have to stay in that relationship forever." "Humans by nature are social. And we want people in our lives, we want friendships, and we need that support as we venture through our own individual lives." "I have found it can actually be extremely beneficial to have friends in different categories. Because that way you know who to go to in different situations." Follow the Passion Struck Podcast Instagram -https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast/ Follow John R. Miles -- Navy veteran, multi-industry CEO, and Author John R. Miles is on a mission to make passion go viral by helping growth seekers to overcome their fear, self-doubt, and adversity. He loves taking his own life experiences, lessons from his time as a CEO and Fortune 50 C-Level Executive, and the truths he has learned to help make other's lives better. His new podcast, Passion Struck, provides inspirational interviews and powerful guidance for people to take their lives to the next level. Watch as these high achievers weigh in on life's biggest questions and challenges as we journey on the path to becoming passion-struck. -- Follow John R. Miles Here: Website - https://passionstruck.com/ ​​Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/john_r_miles ​​Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Johnrmiles.c0m ​Twitter: https://twitter.com/Milesjohnr ​​Medium: https://medium.com/@JohnRMiles ​​John's Website: https://johnrmiles.com/​  

When friends become toxic, you sometimes just have to cut ties with them. And you've got to do that in order to make more room for new friendships and new influences that can help and support you to go to where you're trying to go. Hello, Visionaries, Creators, Innovators, Entrepreneurs, and Leaders of All Types. Hi, my name is John Miles and I wanted to welcome you to this episode of the Passion Start Podcast where it is my job to interview high achievers from all walks of life and unlock their secrets and lessons to become a passion start. The purpose of our show is to serve you the listener by giving you lessons, tools and activities

that you can use to achieve a passion-driven life. Now let the journey begin. Welcome to Momentum Friday, an episode 33 of the Passion Struck Podcast. One of the first episodes I did of this podcast was on the concept of the mosquito principle. It's actually a core tenet of both the Passion Struck framework and the manuscript that I wrote with a passion strike. And in that podcast, I went over the three different types of mosquitoes that plague our lives, the invisible suffocator, the blood sucker, and the pain in the ass. And I happened to have a fan all the way in the Paul named Rupac who listened to that episode and asked me if I could take

it a step further. He asked if I could do an episode on what happens when a relationship or friendship becomes toxic or you just realize that you've outgrown that relationship. And so today's episode is based on that request and I do want to give a shout out to him and all the fans out there. We are now being watched and listened to in over 40 different countries. And all of you have made passion already go viral. We now are up to over 100,000 downloads and views of the podcast, all in such a short amount of time,

yet since launch in February. Thank you so much for making this podcast what it is today, and for helping it become one of the top 1.5% of all podcasts listened to globally. I'm gonna start out today's episode with two quotes. The first is from fellow podcast host and author, Sylvester McNut, who said, remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn't matter. Like your feelings are worthless or like your soul is

replaceable. An American historian, Sarah Westover said, at some point you just have to realize some people can stay in your heart, but cannot stay in your life. And I'm using those two quotes today as the backdrop for this episode, because how often have we found ourselves finding that we are losing touch with a group of friends, where someone that we felt was a very close friend for many years. Because A's episode is an important one, because I am going to unpack this a bit further. And discuss my tips for how do you recognize when you're in a toxic relationship or one that you have outgrown, and then what do you do about it? And I'll give you three techniques that I use, and hopefully you can employ these in your life as well. I would encourage you to go back and listen to episode seven

on the Mosquito Principle, so that you can understand those principles and that backdrop in conjunction with the message I'm gonna give today. Now, let's get on with today's important lesson. Now, more years ago, when I was the president and CEO of Genius Central Systems, I got to go to a lot of conventions. We were in the health and natural food space, and so we would go to these huge conventions, multiple times per year. And I remember going to our largest one, it was in California.

And there must have been four or a million people who attended this with just tens of thousands of different people who were distributing throughout that conference. And as we were there, I would make the rounds every day and go buy different booths

from both prospective and current customers. And I was rounding the corner to go to one of my favorite brands. When as I was approaching, I saw a person who looked so familiar to me, but at first I just couldn't put my finger on it. And the person looked at me and I could tell they were thinking the same thing. And as we got closer, the realization came to both of us that we were childhood friends all the way up through high school, but hadn't seen each other in almost two decades, and didn't even know each other was going to be there. And I remember after seeing him, it only took us a few minutes of talking that it felt like we were right back

where we were 25 years ago, whether that was on the playground in his back, you're playing football, high school times, playing athletics like soccer or whatever maybe, throughout the rest of that weekend that we, I don't have time to spend together, we were back as if no time had passed at all. And since then, I've gotten a chance to see him a few more times. But I've realized that sometimes friendships like that are long-standing and you maintain them. However, it's not a relationship that's an everyday being with what you're doing. And it may not be a friendship or a relationship that you connect on the same levels today. And it's probably highly unlikely that you did once ago.

It might sound really harsh, but you don't have to hold on to a relationship that is toxic or that you've outgrown. And in the case of my friend and I, it's not a toxic relationship. We have just both grown and taken different paths in life, but that doesn't mean that we still don't have a friendship or that that friendship doesn't matter or that we don't try to get together when time permits. For me, I've ended up realizing that that relationship has a purpose and a specific time point when we come together. And the fact of the matter is humans by nature are social.

And we want people in our lives, we want friendships. And we need that support as we venture through our own individual lives. And while it's normal to want to have these long-term friendships, we are under absolutely no obligation. For a main friend who is being toxic to us or who we are simply outgrown, it could be that person who is holding us back from actually the personal growth that we're trying to achieve. Or you simply find that you just don't have common interests with them any longer. I have found in my own life, and I'm guessing that many of you

were listening or watching probably feel the same way, that we remain loyal to out-road relationships for a variety of different reasons. Maybe it's that you're going to have a fear of missing out. As you're seeing on social media, what those friends are doing, and how much fun they seem like they're actually having. Or it could be that you feel truly guilty about having to end a long-standing friendship or relationship that you've had. However, throughout my life, what I have found is that it's often

important to do that mosquito audit that I talk about in episode seven and re-evaluate the different relationships that you have in your life and possibly even end a friendship or relationship in order to make room for those people who are critical in your life's journey and more importantly we'll support you for where you are trying to go. Fundamental words of wisdom that I want you to hear from this message today is the person who doesn't value you is blocking you from the person who will. And I have found from my own life that is I look back at different types of friendships that there are different signs that

emerge. And these are indicators that you're growing away from a friend or group of friends or specific relationships. They just don't make sense the way that they used to. These signs are all subjective and it really, really depends on the situation and what's unfolded for you to determine how and where to draw that line. But let me give you, from my own experience, I have signs that I use to help me determine if I am outroin relationship or if that relationship is becoming toxic to my life plan. First and often most commonly that you will find

that things are growing apart, is that you're simply too busy to spend time together. As to make plans with the other, you find that either they or you are backing out of it. And there are a couple factors that I think really need to come into play as you're analyzing this. Is the reason you're always too busy, temporary, or is it permanent? And is it a scheduling issue, or is it a lack of interest issue?

You see, our lives all change. You may be starting a new family. You may be starting a new job, or your commute may change because your job is asking you to go to a different location or change your role. You could be trying to start a new passion project or volunteer or do something else.

So your time, commitment or theirs could have drastically taken a change. It's important to look at those situations and try to determine, is that shift in or change something that is temporary in nature where you find that that over time, it's becoming more and more permanent. Is that person, or are you yourself

finding that it's truly just a scheduling issue, if you're truly being honest with yourself or how you're looking at them, could it be that they are really lacking in interest in you, where you're lacking in interest in them. The second sign that I find, and I think this happens with many people, is that you find that you start criticizing them.

Maybe you're finding that you're judging a single person or a group of friends that you hung out with, and it may be just in your subconscious, but it could be that you're talking about them with your partner or other friends. Maybe you don't agree with their lifestyle, it could be you don't agree with their drinking habits or their political views, their maturity level, or maybe the postures that they're taking on social media. Maybe that person has become extremely selfish and no longer finding time for you in their life.

Whatever the reason, you're beginning to find that you don't respect them or that group and that they're taking up valuable time in your life and oftentimes probably making your anxiety even worse. The third sign that I find that you're growing a friend or a relationship is that you reach this conclusion that you don't have anything in common or important to talk about with the other person anymore. Maybe you had a lot in common when you were kids,

when you were starting your career, when you were in college with them, when you were in a sportingly with them, or they were your golf partner or something else. But the simple fact is you just don't have anything in common with them anymore. And your lives have drifted apart. But now you get together and it's like you're just staring at the other person across the table and you're not conversing and it just doesn't feel

comfortable anymore. It's a clear indicator that you're at your own that relationship. A fourth sign and an important one is when you have a disagreement and you just can't recover from it. You see, whether it's a friendship or a relationship, both parties have to put that energy into it. And if you've had a fight and you can't move past it, it's a clear sign that something is wrong in that friendship or relationship. If you would actually work through it, it would probably not only recover the relationship but make it stronger.

But if one of you doesn't want to do that, a relationship, or a group of friends, is when you realize that you need new friends and influences in your life. Maybe you've been feeling lacking in socialization altogether, or maybe like you just don't belong to that group anymore, or you are on a new life's path and you just want to have new people to exchange ideas with. And you're finding that your ideas and where you want to take your life just doesn't resonate with the friends you've been hanging out with. If you are truly wishing that you had new friends, you may have just outgrown the ones that you currently have.

Did you know that Forbes Magazine recently cited that 70% of individuals who do personal development masterminds and one-on-one coaching benefited from better work performance, increased communication skills, and overall better relationships. And we, at PassionStruck, are obsessed with self-development, coaching, and mentorship. That is why we've created a free resource

to help you unlock your hidden potential. Because people doing great things in business and life are just like you, only they've had a coach along the way. And we've got that covered too. Let us show you the systems and frameworks that we teach, growth-minded individuals, to help them step into their sharp edges, execute on their passion journeys and get predictable results time and time again.

Go to passionstruck.com slash coaching right now and let's get igniting. So now that I've given you those five signs and what to look for, the next thing you're probably wondering is what do you do when a friendship is in working? What I find is that often just simply adjusting some of the parameters can make a huge change, and it may salvage and even improve those relationships. But if that doesn't happen, you may just have to cut ties. And I used to think of this in such black and white terms, but over the course of my life,

I've come to realize that you don't have to make that ultimate decision unless it's absolutely necessary. So right now, I'm gonna give you three different techniques that you can use when you have found that someone is either toxic or you're at growing that friendship or relationship. The first thing that I have found is that you can change the level of

commitment that you have with that friend or relationship. What do I mean by that? Well, it means that maybe you have this friend, that they're very fun to hang out with in short bursts. I'm sure many of us have this friend and you know what I'm talking about. But by the time that you're done hanging out with them, you feel completely drained

and that you absolutely can't take another moment with them. It is possible to enjoy someone's company but also limit the amount of time and energy that you give to them. It doesn't have to be completely black and white. Not everyone has to be your best friend. And there's nothing wrong with being more selective to who and where you apply your time. You don't want to maintain as your closest friends, people

who bring you down, people who emotionally make you feel like they're sucking energy from you. So this may be that person, friendship, group of friends where you simply need to take them in short bursts and take that step back and keep distance so that it aligns with the type of friendship that you want to maintain with them. The second step and one that I've employed more recently in my life is to recategorize and friends. We usually don't stop or contemplate putting labels on friendships or relationships. In the back of our minds, we are likely doing just that. And although you might not be currently close with all these people, most of us maintain relationships with people that we have from growing up and high school, college, early jobs, colleagues from work, sports teams we played on,

social clubs, all partners, singles clubs, whatever it may be. And if you feel you're up growing a relationship, the reality may be you just need to move that friendship into a different category. And I have found it can actually be extremely beneficial to have friends in different categories because that way you know who to go to in different situations. And let me give you some examples of this. You may love to go golf and for play tennis, have a cup of coffee with a group of girls, group of guys, whatever it may be, who form your social circle. The people who it's fun to hang out with and spend some time with. However, that group of friends may not be the same group you want to have a beer with,

and neither of those groups may be the same ones that you want to go to a concert with, of those groups may be the same ones that you want to go to a concert with or that you want to go on a long trip with. So it is fine to start coming up with different groups, friends, or relationships, and categorizing them in different ways. You and your childhood friend or college friend may love to go on a yearly trip together, but that doesn't mean that you have to interact with them every single day, or that they are gonna share the same passions that you do for career interests. If you don't feel supported in the way that you need to from friends,

it may be a simple categorization issue, and you need to recognize which friends need to inspire or give you energy, and in which way you need it. However, if you can't find that you can distance a person and that you can't categorize them, it leads to the third way. And that is you simply sometimes need to make room for someone new. It may be time for you to end a relationship in order for you, free up that time, let new influences and new people into your life.

And I know this one can really sound harsh, but some people are just not meant to stay in your life. And that is just the plain truth. If a friend is toxic, if they bring you down or make you feel bad about yourself, why do you want to spend more time with them? If that person is constantly full of negativity and is gossiping all the time about other people, what do you think they're doing when you're not around? You can let them know that you're not

interested in those conversations, but the likelihood is that they're probably having them behind your back as well. And if that relationship, and you've talked to them about it, keeps feeling toxic. It probably is, and it's probably time to let them go. Think about it this way. If you are caught up in drama and surrounded by negativity, this group or individual toxic person, you will continue to make friends with the same traits. Those

positive, optimistic people, those people who are trying to become passion struck, I can tell you will not be drawn to your social circle, and in fact, will run the other way from you and it. Those who are truly trying to pursue their passion will run the other way from that. Because why would you want to be around that toxic city when you were trying to improve yourself? When friends become toxic, you sometimes just have to cut ties with them. And you've got to do that in order to make more room

for new friendships and new influences that can help and support you to go to where you're trying to go. Just because a relationship or a friendship was one time successful, it does not mean that you have to stay in that relationship forever. And I would encourage you, now that you've heard these five signs, and three ways to deal with toxic people or relationships you've outgrown, to deal with toxic people or relationships you've outgrown that you go back and you listen or watch at episode seven on the mosquito audit. So you can have more indicators on how to recognize at bloodsucker invisible suffocator or pain in the ass who likely fits one of these outgrown relationships. And it's not just the relationship that matters. It's the things

that come with it, such as the influences that they bring, the activities that you end up spending your time on when you could be spending it somewhere else. I'm going to end today's episode giving you some key takeaways. It is completely normal to outgrow relationships as we journey through our life. If you feel a relationship for friendship is no longer the same as it once was, you may just have to simply adjust the framework that you're using with that friendship or relationship to make it work for you. You might simply just change the amount of time that you're devoting that person. You may take that advice on recategorizing them into different groups so you know and can recognize the place that they play in your life.

Or you may need to make that more difficult decision and realize that it's time and that relationship altogether to free up our precious time, to spend it with people and influences who are lying more to where you're trying to go in life. As I said before, the person who doesn't value you is keeping or blocking you from a person who will. Simple matter is there is no winning in a toxic relationship and you need to ask yourself, how much are you willing to lose for the change that you're hoping for in your life? Because unfortunately for many, that day may never come because we don't take action on these

relationships that are either toxic or we have outgrown that are taking valuable time and energy from the path that we want to do. In RuPak, I hope today's episode answered your question. And for any of you who are looking for inspiration or a topic that you'd like to hear my advice on, you can always DM me on Instagram that either Passion Start podcast or count our miles. Thank you so much for joining us. The purpose of our show is to make Passion Go viral.

And we do that by sharing with you the knowledge and skills that you need to unlock your hidden potential. If you want to hear more, please subscribe to the Passion Start Podcast on Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to your podcast ad. And if you absolutely love this episode, we'd appreciate a five-star rating on iTunes. And you're sharing it with three of your most growth-minded friends so they can post it as well to their social accounts and help us grow our passion start community. If you'd like to learn more about the show and our

mission you can go to passionstruck.com where you can sign up for our newsletter look at our tools and also download the show notes for today's episode. Additionally you can listen to us every Tuesday and Friday for even more inspiring content. And remember, make a choice, work hard, and step into your sharp edges. Thank you again for joining us. you