Passion Struck with John R. Miles - Lily Walford On: How to Create Compatible Love EP 87

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Lily Walford is an international dating coach who specializes in using behavioral Psychology, profiling, and body language to help clients meet a compatible partner. She and John R Miles discuss how to create compatible love and how everyone deserves real, honest and genuine love, but not everyone knows how to get it. New to this channel and the passion-struck podcast? Check out our starter packs which are our favorite episodes grouped by topic, to allow you to get a sense of all the podcast has to offer. Go to https://passionstruck.com/starter-packs/. Have you heard of ISSUU? Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital content, from marketing materials to magazines, to flipbooks and brochures, and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE, or if you sign up for a premium account, you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code PASSIONSTRUCK. Like this? Please subscribe, and join me on my new platform for peak performance, life coaching, and personal growth: https://passionstruck.com/. Thank you for Watching the Passion Struck podcast. New Interviews with the World's GREATEST high achievers will be posted every Tuesday with a Momentum Friday inspirational message! Learn more about John: https://johnrmiles.com. SHOW NOTES 0:00 Introduction 4:14 How she escaped a toxic relationship 8:25 How she became a body language and profiling expert 14:49 How she helps clients find compatible love 18:28 Emotional dependency 23:43 Most common mistakes on dating apps 28:16 Looking at the emotional range of a person's profile 33:34 How to know if someone has an interest in you 36:38 Why it's hard for people to commit to relationships 39:02 How are own body language impacts connections 40:58 Importance of a personal brand to dating 43:42 What you should not ask on a first date 46:05 Why it all boils down to the level of identity 48:13 Love languages and their importance 52:18 Importance of date nights 55:33 Rapid round of questions   ===== FOLLOW LILY WALFORD ===== * Website: https://www.lovewithintelligence.com/ *LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lily-walford/ *Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lovewithintelligence/   ===== FOLLOW JOHN ON THE SOCIALS ===== * Twitter: https://twitter.com/Milesjohnr * Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/johnrmiles.c0m * Medium: https://medium.com/@JohnRMiles​ * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/john_r_miles * LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/JohnMiles * Blog: https://passionstruck.com/blog/ * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast   ====== ABOUT JOHN ====== John R. Miles leads a global movement called Passion Struck. He is passionate about being the catalyst who helps individuals expand into the greatest version of themselves, unlocking the most no regrets life possible. He is a combat veteran, multi-industry CEO, successful entrepreneur, top podcast host, and author who is helping people worldwide regain their passion. John is one of the most-watched, quoted, and followed high-performance trainers globally, and his leadership acumen spans more than two decades. He's founded or co-founded more than half a dozen successful start-ups, was a Fortune 50 CIO and CISO, mentors rising entrepreneurs, and invests in successful tech ventures. He graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy, where he learned vital leadership skills and was a multi-sport Division 1 athlete.

Coming up next on the Passion Struck Podcast. So this is when I started suddenly finding someone called Chase Hughes. And Chase has got literally $30 million worth of government-backed research. He's trained military operatives to a Jason Bond, James Bond level. And we chose to bring that kind of data into relationships and dating where people can identify someone's narcissistic or psychopathic and know what to do if they've got family member or if they've had children with a narcissist or wherever it might be. Also, how to profile someone in six minutes or less so you can see if you're compatible with that person or not. And then also reading body language to see if someone's, you know, telling the truth,

basically, and you can read someone's body language to a point where you're actually better and more accurate than a polygraph machine. Welcome visionaries, creators, innovators, entrepreneurs, leaders, and growth seekers of all types to the Passion Struck podcast. Hi, I'm John Miles, a peak performance coach, multi-industry CEO, Navy veteran, and entrepreneur on a mission to make Passion Co-Viral for millions worldwide. And each week I do so by sharing with you an inspirational message and interviewing

high achievers from all walks of life who unlock their secrets and lessons to become an action-struck. The purpose of our show is to serve you the listener. By giving you tips, tasks, and activities, you can use to achieve peak performance and for too a passion-driven life you have always wanted to have. Now, let's become passion struck.

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Passion Struck podcast. Thank you, each and every one of you for coming back every week to learn how to live better, be better, and impact our world. And if you're new to the show or you would like to introduce it to a friend or family member, we now have starter packs. These are collections of your favorite episodes, grouped by topic, to introduce you to everything that this show has to offer in one easy place. Just go to passionstruck.com slash starter packs to get started. And thank you so much when you do that. It means so much when you introduce this show to other people. And another great resource we have for doing that is our YouTube channel at JohnRMiles,

where we have over 200 different videos ranging from long form format, like these interviews, to two to five minute segments, we call mindset moments. Just check it out on YouTube at JohnRMiles. Today's guest is Lily Wolford, and let me tell you a little bit about her. Lily is an international dating coach

who has been focused on how busy professionals can date safely and successfully using CIA level behavioral analysis, profiling and body language so that her clients can enjoy undeniable love at last. And then today's discussion, we talk about how she became a dating coach through her own dating experience, how she first found out about the importance of profiling and body language, and how she started to use that as a way to determine compatibility with dates she would go on,

and now is teaching others to do so. She gives such great advice on what to and what not to ask on a first date. How you can tell if someone is approachable just by looking at them either online or if you're at a bar or a restaurant and they're reaction and body language signals that they're giving you and so much more. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me as your host and guide on unlocking a no regrets life. Now, let the journey begin.

I am so excited today to welcome Lily Wofford on the PassionStruck podcast. Lily, thank you so much for joining us. Oh, thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited to back our conversation today. Well, I personally sought you out because I am getting a lot of questions from listeners about the need for relationship help. And I thought what better person to bring on the show

than someone who does just that helps people connect. So I thought maybe a good starting point, though, before we really get into that is for people to understand, you know, how do you get into this line of work? Because I'm sure a lot of people don't go through middle school and high school saying, someday I wanna be a relationship coach or give dating advice. So, I think the path to getting there is probably one the listeners would enjoy hearing. Yeah, well, you know, doesn't everyone wanna be

a relationship and dating coach for their grower? But you're right, originally my background was actually in the council, so completely different backgrounds, what I'm doing now. But cut-long story short, about 10 years ago I was in a relationship that was highly narcissistic and borderline psychopathic. And the funny thing is you don't learn about relationships or those kind of personality disorders as school either. So when I was going through that kind of relationship, there was so many different things that were happening. And a lot of people don't understand about narcissistic relationships in particular. They tend to be highly influential where they start shipping away at people's identities

and crazy whole host of things which we'll probably dive into but later on. So went through that kind of relationship. I was stalked for five years after that relationship. And I just kept on going into these awful rubbish relationships, whether someone was emotionally unavailable, or someone was cheating. And I couldn't quite figure it out, because I had a fantastic childhood. I thought, well, surely, having parents who've been together all their lives,

you know, would be enough, and you know, you'd learn enough about relationships, to be able to create your own healthy relationship. So back in 2017 I went through a horrific breakup. You know when you're in the relationship But you think okay, I've got everything sucked everything sorted And I've got a house two amazing cars two great careers and You're really seeing a future of someone and that relationship broke down for me

And it got me really thinking again. Okay, what is it that I really want in a relationship? And also, how do I get one that's healthy? So I started looking into things like NLP, hypnotherapy, life coaching, and it was great, but I did feel like I was cut short, you know, so I sold short because it wasn't enough to keep me out of those type of relationships. You know, it's like, for example, you can have a sheep with fantastic self confidence and fantastic self-worth, but for wolf comes along, it's not going to go on. I'm not going to eat that sheep. It's going to say, I'm a wolf. This is what I do.

So this is when I started suddenly finding someone called Chase Hughes and Chase has got literally $30 million worth of government-bound research. He's trained, you know, military operatives to a Jason Bond, James Bond kind of level. And we chose to bring that kind of data into relationships and dating where people can identify if someone's narcissistic or psychopathic and know what to do if they've got family member or if they've had children with a narcissist wherever it might be. Also, how to profile someone in six minutes or less so you can see if you're compatible with that person or not. And then also reading body

language to see if someone's, you know, telling the truth basically, and you can read someone's body language to the point where you're actually better and more accurate than a polygraph machine. So this has helped me and also so many of my clients to create a relationship based on truth and trust, which has been so, so important to, you know, the co-element of our work. It has been so, so important to co-element at that work. Well, I think that's a great overview of how you get into this. And also leads into some of the things we're going to talk about. You know, when you and I spoke a number of weeks ago, I told you, you know, I've had two instances in my career where I was getting training on body language

and a bit of profiling as well. One was when I went through interrogation school when I was in the military because as you're interrogating someone, their body language can tell you so much to your point. As well as when I was at Arthur Anderson, we brought in a consultant to help people understand the intentions

specifically buying intentions that our clients would have. So that when you were meeting with them, you could understand by their body language, if they were being truthful to you, if they were giving you a signal that they were open to buying, other things that became very, very helpful in understanding their intent and how to approach the meeting as you were part of it. So I always like to ask, you know, how in the world did, did you discover like really this combination of profiling with understanding body behavior?

with understanding body behavior. Yeah, so. Another cringey story coming. So basically when I went through all the NLP and all the hip and therapy and all these different things, I thought it was, it was fantastic, but it only took you so far. You know, you could build a pool with someone, you could, you know, yeah, basically heal yourself, make

sure you have great self-confidence, great self-work, all those different things. So I was single at the time and I jumped onto a dating site and whilst I was on a dating site, started chatting to someone, had a couple of, you know, a couple of messages back and forth and you know, any kind of get that feeling but it's just not going somewhere, or that person's not quite right for you or whatever it might be. So left that conversation. Next day, they'd message me again, ignored it

because I'd already closed off that conversation. And the following day after that, I suddenly got 12 pink roses arrived to my house. Now, bearing in mind as personally I had my first name and my profile picture and somehow from that information alone they managed to find out where I lived, which is quite scary, especially when you kind of stalk her in the past five years. So I knew it. It is scary and I've had many friends who say they see someone's picture on one of these dating apps and all of a sudden they show up in their Facebook as someone that

they should connect with or, you know, on Instagram, it's amazing how much interconnection there is than we even realize. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think the thing that freaked me out the most at that point was knowing that the worst thing you can do is someone with that behavior type is to block them or to shut them down. Because as soon as you do that, you create a cat and mouse game. So it's like, okay, if they're not contacting you on the app, they're gonna be able to reach out on Facebook or Instagram

or, you know, but that said, they had my address. You know, well, there's nothing stopping them simply turning up to my house. So I knew at that point, I needed to know how to disengage in a way that was safe. And I was also coaching people at the time and I knew that if one of my clients got to that stage, you know, someone reaching out, stalking them, I wanted to know exactly how to keep them safe as well. And at the time, one of my friends was

working for Chase Hughes as a trainer. And I sent them all the screenshots of the messages and the profile and everything and they actually forwarded them on to Chase for me and I got information from Chase on exactly how to disengage with that person in a safe way. And the amazing thing was I wasn't rude to that person, I wasn't confrontational, it was just really freaking easy to do, I think it's probably about four or five messages that sent that person and suddenly they're disengaged. They weren't interested in it, pursue me anymore. And it was from that point where I decided to go ahead and take on a Chasis courses and side-to-care, like learn about profiling, learn about body language. From there, I ended up partnering up in business with them.

And I ended up meeting my partner who's also into body language and profiling and we do a lot of work together. We'll be right back to the PassionStruck podcast. Today's episode is answered by issue. I know from me, first impressions are everything. So if you're looking to impact your online content, you need issue, the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital content. From marketing materials, to magazines, to flip books, or brochures, issue features your creative in an easy-to-view way

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that's issue.com slash podcast with promo code passion struck. Thank you so much for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps the lights on around here, and I know all those codes and URLs can be tough to remember, so we will make sure we put them in the show notes. Please consider supporting those who support this show and make it possible. Now back to passion struck. I want to launch into this next part by giving a couple different examples. One would be I have a 23 year old son who tells me and and not being his father just objectively looking at him. He is a really good looking guy. Multi-talented has a good job.

And he tells me it is almost impossible for him to find someone. So that's example one. And he has not used any of the dating apps. I have another friend who, in the area that we are at, the business journal put out an article on him, on the front page that said, the Bay Area is most eligible bachelor.

And he went on these dating apps and went on to tell me over a period of a year. He went on literally almost a thousand different dates. He said sometimes he was doing four to six a night. He said each of, he got him down to that they would last 15 minutes and he would know in 15 minutes, whether the person was right or. And he ended up marrying a woman who the first time he met her, which was at a hockey game and a suite. She detested them, did not stand them, and they ended up getting married. And then a third real life scenario is I have another friend who is on these dating apps, and I'm constantly hearing from them, oh my god, this girl is so beautiful. And then they meet and it's like one thing

after another happens and I've been seeing this pattern play out so many times that he ends up with no one. So, you know, what are some of the, because I know this is an area you specialize in, what are some of the, because I know this is an area you specialize in. What are some of the things just in those three examples that are going on for why these people can't seem, or, you know, why they weren't finding the right person? Yes, really simple, compatibility. And this is the thing that most people forget when it comes to dating. Now, compatibility is a little bit like, you know, going on a journey and saying,

right, okay, here's the post-credible zip code, whatever you want to put. This is where we're going. And you know, so you're going in line with, you know, your goals and chubbers goals. You also want to make sure that you're enjoying the same kind of vehicle. So that's kind of your lifestyle, big or similar lifestyles. You want to make sure that you've got similar values and beliefs, you know, like listen to the same music together. And making sure that journey together feels easy and effortless. Now, as soon as you've got two

people going in totally different directions or they see the world in a completely different way, or they want to do things completely differently, that's when you've got the problem because how can you emotionally invest in someone if you feel that they're not 110% on board with who you are and where you want to go? Now, yeah, yeah, in fact, I was recently reading an article, it was on a completely different topic from relationships, but it was all about emotional dependence, which I think is another issue that gets us as we become sometimes emotionally dependent on the exact opposite things of what we should be focusing on, which may be emotional strength. So to speak. Yeah, so there's the other side. So emotional dependency and also that level of

healing is so important because what we're seeing more and more each day is co-dependent relationships or relationships where there's complete emotional detachment and basically all this comes from the way that we Created our identities as a child So between the ages of zero and seven when we were you know young that we basically got taught how to act how to show up how to get love and got taught how to act, how to show up, how to get love. And we create this in every single scenario in our life, whether that's work, whether that's friendships, or that's relationships. So for example, if you've got a child that was highly praised for being super independent,

we would probably find that they're heavily independent in their relationships, heavily independent in their jobs, heavily independent in friendships. If you've got someone who's been brought up as a pleaser, you know, and they don't like to do all the washing up and be the goody-two shoes, well guess what, in relationships they're going to be the pleaser, where they give and give and give to the point where they feel resentful. They can do the same in their in their friendships, they're going to do the same at work. So it's finding out that pattern that you've been taught in order to get and receive love, because everything that we've learned is basically about conditional love. Who do I need to be to be loved? And this is where we get this element of, you know, where my people tell me, I'm not worthy

of love, or I can't be loved, or I don't feel worthy of love or whatever it might be. So it's finding that pattern and also finding this element of independence within your identity. Because what I tend to find is in most toxic relationships, either one or both partners lose their identity or they are matched with each other. And those relationships tend to be highly toxic and highly painful for both parties involved usually. So they tend to be some really important

areas to focus on. So for example, like the research that I've done, the forming components of a healthy relationship is compatibility, communication, which is quite obvious, consideration, which is obvious, the collaboration. And this is where most people go wrong. And collaboration, you have basically two individuals who are accountable for themselves. They're accountable for their emotions. They're accountable for their happiness. They're accountable for their life. They're accountable for actions, words, everything. Because only if those two people are accountable for themselves, they can collaborate together in a healthy relationship. They can problem solve together, they can build each other up, they can move the relationship in the direction they want, but they need that self awareness, and they need that awareness of their happiness and also their accountability and responsibility of themselves so they can build to everyone who's on the scenarios left. No, and I think that's some great background.

So do you happen to know now how many people are trying to meet someone on one of these dating apps versus the traditional way? Do you have any sense? Don't have me start something, because I know so much has changed this lockdown. But what I can tell you is that people who use dating apps, they want the reasons why you might be feeling frustrated if you're not meeting someone on there, is 51% of people who are on dating apps are actually already in relationships, 12% of those people are married. So it's finding a way, so what it tends to do and I work with people, I go through the compatibility matrix with them, to find out who they actually compatible with.

We build a profile of that person and we say okay what's the easiest way to go ahead and meet that person? So it might be going off and meeting them organically. It might be meeting them on a dating sign. And if it is dating sites, they're really important to be able to betray who you really are. And that's when most people become stuck, because they want to try and impress everyone. And the problem is, we all know we'll never be able to impress everyone. So, for example, I had a client who is quite random actually, who was a, who's, yeah, priest. And there we go. Okay, do I, do I put a picture of me, of my dog, Colouron or not?

It's like, oh, yeah, of course you do. Because you want someone who's going to accept you, accept your livestock, accept your livestock, accept your beliefs, accept all these different things about you. But if you miss that off your profile, people don't get to see who you really are. As being able to put that full representations of ourselves out there, but we can only do that if you feel comfortable with who you are. Yeah, so I know from a lot of friends who are on these apps and it happens to both females and males,

they see the picture of the other person end up meeting them in the picture that the person puts up there is from 10 years ago. So immediately when they meet them, there's this feeling of deceit, because they're not showing something recent. But what are some of the most common mistakes that you see both men and women do on these dating apps

that are really detrimental to them finding love? Yeah, so what I would say is there's a few different things. I can't call it insights rather than mistakes, just because it gives us so much insight into their behavior. So, for example, if someone puts in their profile, I'm trying to think of the exact example, but something on the lines of, don't bother messaging if you're, you know, x, y, z. And what we're finding there is it's someone who's number one controlling or manipulative, or someone who's not emotionally available to be able to, you know, be healthy in a relationship. Because what we tend to find is they've already put their conditions in place on, you know, that relationship. The other thing is like you're saying, being able to put a true picture of themselves on there, because again, if you're not putting a picture on there, that actually

looks like you're represents you, you're someone who's actually comfortable with yourself. And you know, that's something that's really important in relationships, especially when you look at that collaboration piece of being accountable for yourself, your emotions, your actions, all these different bits. Let's try and think of a few more. I mean, there's a few. Yeah, go.

Yeah, I was just gonna give a simple example. As I've had girls tell me, they are on these apps and they see a person who's always got hats on, but the person is hiding potentially that they're bald. You know, and that's one of those things, whether you're a man or a woman, some people are attracted to baldness others aren't, but that would seem like an easy one that you would want to make that apparent because you're gonna attract the type of person who is attracted to baldness, as just an example.

Exactly, I think we're going back to sort of the main mistakes, as well, one of the main mistakes that people make is looking for the external validation from people. Because the thing that that does is it means you can only be worthy or open to love if someone says you're a UI. You know, if someone gives you the compliments or someone gives you the attention and this is where I find most people become really vulnerable in relationships and often with the wrong kind of people.

Because for example, those sort of touch on the very beginning, but narcissistic and psychopathic individuals have no empathy. It's been scientifically proven at the empathy part, the brain is actually underdeveloped. So what they tend to do in relationships and even in dating scenarios is that they'll learn how to use that person, almost like a resource. It's almost like a kick call I've got, Penn. I use this pen by doing this.

And they look at people exactly the same way, because they're not able to connect like a normal person with empathy, you know, the way they can. So it's like, you know, a normal person trying to connect to a pen, you know, it's not going to happen because, you know, the empathy is not there. So it's understanding your weaknesses and the things that you need to heal in order to feel comfortable within yourself. So also you're not going into that code dependency kind of relationship as well. Okay, well, I'd like to go down two different scenarios

with you. One, a traditional scenario and one using a dating app. So if you're a person who is looking for someone on a dating app, what are some of the things that you do in your practice that signal out whether this person on the other side is reflecting themselves genuinely? Yeah, okay, so there's a few different things that you can look at. So number one, and this one is so, so important, but this one that I do genuinely believe

can actually save lives is looking at the emotional range of that person and profile. So what I mean by emotional ranges, if they look like they're on a muckshaw all the way through their pictures, that can signal that there's not that level of empathy or emotional intelligence there. So, you know, yeah, it's just super, super

important. There's another one where if you've got someone who's afraid to either show their face, so all your boys wearing sunglasses or wearing hats or being around a lot of people in their pictures, you have to really work out which ones which that can be a huge sign as well. You know, someone's not fully comfortable within themselves or they're not fully open and it can sort of hint that they've got a secretive kind of personality trait. Another one, let's just try and think, another one as well is look at the kind of messages that they're sending. And what I mean by this is if they're actually with an integrity to who they're saying they are. So, you know, if you've got someone who's going there and now they're Star Wars fan or something like that, or is there anything in their profile that's that's sharing that or showing that?

Because usually what we're looking for within profiles is that level of integrity that will prove that someone's been authentic and real. Okay, and are you more a fan of the dating sites that do more a short description or are you a bigger fan of the ones that ask a lot of the detailed questions and kind of create a profile of what the person is like? Yeah, to be honest, it doesn't really, it doesn't really matter. The thing, the most important element, so if I could have it my way, I would get everyone to date organically. And the reason I say this is, it's almost

like when you're dating online, it's a little bit like, I don't know if you call them there, I don't know if you call them this in the States, it's almost like going into a jumble sale. You have to really search through things to be able to find someone who's right for you. If you think about the people that are within your social circles, the reason they're in your social circles is because you've got similar values or similar beliefs or similar something where you can actually relate to that person.

This is why it becomes so important when you're dating that you betray the you are because in dating sites you don't have that, you're basing everything on looks, you're basing everything on what you see. And the worst thing is when we have those doses of like oxytocin and all the great juicy brain chemicals, we're making a conscious bias situa, sorry, a converse, so a confirmation bias when we're looking at those profiles. Because when we like someone, we see someone's a little bit attractive, they can actually get away with more than someone who's unattractive. And this has actually been scientifically proven as well with the court cases and court rulings

and things like that. So it becomes really important to really understand what you're looking for and putting yourself in the social situations where you're gonna be around the kind of people who think and see things the same way as you. So one question I do ask my clients is if you could talk about something for an hour or two hours or three hours without changing the subject, what would you talk about or what would you share?

Okay, where could you meet like minded people who also enjoy that topic? It's not to say you're going to meet the one, there's a few more steps there, but it gives you an idea of who is going to be compatible with you and why and how that's going to make that relationship easier to be able to develop. Okay, great insights. One last question on the dating sites. What is your perspective on using professional pictures versus, you know, ones that people just take of you every day walk a life? Yeah, I think it is important to be able to share the things that are most important to you. So if you're highly ambitious and you really prioritize

your career, great, you should abuse your career photo, if you're someone who really prioritises family, great, shows some pictures of you around family, it's more about what you want people to understand about you and your personality. That's the important bit because everyone's priority is gonna be different and there's no one size fits all solution. It's about what you're happy to, the way that you're happy to show up. Okay, great. So now I'm gonna go to more of the traditional.

So, whether it's male or female, they walk into a restaurant before they're going to eat, they happen to see a person at the bar who appeals to them. And they're wondering, do I go up and talk to this person? Are there any keys that you have for things that they could look at, even in that short scenario. Yes, yes, there's loads. So, usually, if you've got someone who is showing an interest in you, their feet will actually point in your direction. So have a look at where their feet are pointing. If it's towards the bottom, have a notice, you're yet fine. If they're actually, if they have noticed you, and they're pointing their foot at you, great, you're in there. You can literally go ahead and approach that person that'd be really easy to go ahead and do. What we tend to look for when we are communicating with people is openness.

So, we want to find out how comfortable that person is with us and the first thing that we tend to do and it's something that body language expert Mark Broden shared is super super interesting. As soon as we feel threatened, we protect all our trees. So we protect our main arteries with shoulders coming up, we protect our arteries, down our wrists, down our arms, you know, a neck, you know, front of our bodies, we protect all that. So as soon as we notice that the body language is a little bit more tense and usual, we can start to see that that person is not comfortable. So the way that we can actually build up what that rapport is being able to ask sort of open-ended questions. And that can really help. Why mean by open-ended questions? Is question starting with how, what, when, who, where?

And that can help people to really open up. Because if we say something like, have you been here before, it's easy for people to go, yes, or no, and shut it down. So you're making it easy for that person to really open up. And the other thing that we can do is actually open up our body language. The more open we are with our body language, the more open and more comfortable people tend to feel too. So there are a few little things.

There's also ways that you can see if someone's attracted to you or not. It's quite fun. So, you can see, for example, people's dialect, so people get bigger if we're looking at someone that we're attracted to. Also, this is quite an interesting one, a nostril's flare.. So if we are attracted to someone, we can actually have our people's dialect nostrils flare and also our hands tend to be a lot more open to the person that we're talking to as well. And the other thing is also our torso

is also tilt towards that person that we find attractive to. So there are a little few little things that you can account for when you're starting to build that rapport and to see if that person is fully open to you or not. Okay, I think those are great tidbits of advice. So why is it so hard as people get older for people to commit. Mm. Okay, so why, so if I was gonna say, oh, commitment commitments

just a super interesting one. There's a few different things around commitment. And it depends on how people view it and also it depends on a childhood patterns again because commitment is usually surrounding things like a parental measurement where the viewpoint of commitment is almost like jail. It's almost like they've been committed, they're freedoms taken away and all these different things. So it's understanding, when we look at things like commitment, it's looking at what are they actually looking at committing to? So because commitment commends so much to so many different people.

I mean, for example, if I said to you, right, go ahead and commit to a fantastic life. You're like, yeah, I want to go ahead and do that. If I say, okay, I want you to commit to one person. And if you feel absolutely miserable with them, does a man of you go stay with them? Stop that. No, I'm good, that's enough. So it's understanding what is that word commitment

actually mean to people? And what are they actually willing to commit to? Is it committing to making sure that a relationship's healthy? Is it committing to the things that people, sorry, I'm thinking of the words now, committing to, you know, your partner's best interests at heart, and that could be staying in a relationship, leaving the relationship. So it's finding out what that word commitment really means to people. Because often that will give a huge insight on to what it is that's actually behind that

that causes people to go, I don't know. So what are some ways that if you're looking to meet someone that your own body language influences the prospect that you might be interested in? play around with this is kind of a very simple NLP techniques and it's called matching and mirroring and probably probably know a lot about that. And it's basically for people who haven't heard of this before, it's mirroring someone's body language. So, if someone's got their arms crossed great, either cross your arms or cross your legs. And what this does, psychologically, we look at that person and go, wow, that person's thinking exactly the same as me. And that can really help. There's a few other things that you can do as well in terms of confidence.

So what we tend to find is people who are the most confident have slower movements. And that can work really well because when we look at someone who's confident, we look at what people are saying because what we tend to do when we're listening to what people are saying and we mimic back what people are saying that can allow us to feel more closer in terms of that conversation and building up that connection and the way you do this is that basically an echo technique and you can literally repeat the last three words or the last few words of what someone says and it builds up that rapport so beautifully or someone with absolute ease without you thinking okay well I've got to say next.

Okay great advice. I was recently talking to a friend of mine, AJ Vaden I was recently talking to a friend of mine, AJ Vaden, and one of the things she and her husband own a personal branding company, and one of the things that they have discovered is that 70% of people look favorably on you if you have a personal brand. And the reason being is if they do a search for you, there's immediate credibility that you have a public persona

and that you need to maintain some level of whatever it is, dignity or something else because of the image that you have with that branding. Is that something you found at all in your work? Well, it's quite funny actually. I started out with a company title. So I actually operate under love with intelligence. And the reason why I started that is because I started my business quite a lot. Most people would look at a business and so I look at a 25-year-old and go, what does she know about? Relationships and Tate. So I think there is a lot to say around when you're showing up in the public eye and you are sharing your truth, there's a level of integrity again.

You know, you're sharing the truth of who you are to people. So I do think that people who do show up with that personal brand and show up within their business or however it might be, there is that level of then sharing the element of who they are. But yeah, so if the trust the tries to sort of think of it in more of a dating context. I think the thing is as well, with personal brands, you're only showing people so much

of who you are as well, is it's more about what's in line with the brands. You might not get the full scope of that person, but almost like, it's almost like when you go to work in corporate or that professional kind of thing, you show people what's acceptable in that environment. And it's very different to the way that you show up in an office, it's gonna be very different

to the way that you show up within family, friends, and all those different things. So yeah, I think that'd be one that I still have to sort of take away and have a little bit more think about. I've been upset before, but I think it's more about you show different aspects of who you are in different environments. Okay. Um, how about this one? What questions shouldn't you ask on a first date? So I would personally say that when most people go wrong on a first date, is they look at that person,

like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna marry them. And they ask all these are very intimate questions, like how many kids do you own, all these different things. The thing that's really important the first day is actually asking questions where you can find out if you've got common ground with someone, and if you can find it, if you can really fully connect.

So anything that's overly deep, or you're sharing too much about your ex-partners, or whatever it might be, that's where people start to go wrong. Because what people are looking for is sort of a proven acceptance or a way to reject someone. So, which is important in dating, but it's more important to find that connection first. Okay, I think there's a lot of truth to that. I mean, it could be such a, if you like, going to live music events and that's a huge part of who you are, you know, finding out, for instance, does the other person like live music? Do they even like, we talked about

before, the genre of music, because if they're a huge country fan and you can't stand country music, that could be a showstopper right there for some people. You know, do you like sports? Do you not like sports? Someone who is that type who wants to go to hockey games, football matches, etc. Herod was someone who could care less in his all about the arts, which the other person is not. I mean, these are clear signs to me of things that you want to determine, you know, what is that compatibility like? Yes, it's basically finding out can the conversation flow with ease? Because not being funny, once you've got through the questions of, you know, all the crazy deep questions like X part is not the rest of it, there's only so much of that you can talk about. But if there's things that you're actually going to enjoy talking about, like, you know, common interesting country music or something like that,

you know, you've got that coming ground no matter what. Okay, so how about this one? A client comes to you and they say, I feel like all I do is keep meeting one jerk after another. What is wrong with me? Because I think a lot of times we kind of put that blame on ourselves. Yeah. we kind of put that blame on ourselves. Instead of, I think it gets, I don't know what your answer is gonna be, but I think it's you're looking for the wrong thing. Yeah, and literally,

it boils back down to this level of identity. Because what tends to happen is we're replaying something from our childhood, out into type of partners and people that we accept in our lives. So for example, if you're someone, if you're the child who always fell over and let us where you got love, you know, kind of that victim mentality where you can end up in a relationship where you don't have a voice or stunk and you'll be playing out that victim role or if you're someone who's a pleaser, you know, you don't want to say no to that person who wants to take you on a date and

sub me a married to them. That's how that kind of plays out. So it's all about understanding what your patterns were and the way that you used to get, you know, get lovers of child. And one of the things I tend to ask people is who's love? Did you crave more to child? Do you mumble your dance? And it's not so much about, you know, which parent it was, but often there isn't a certain parent. And it's usually quite, you know, it's usually answers like, well, yeah, we're mad because she wasn't emotionally available, or, you know, they sat in the in the other and from here you can start to understand the the childhood trauma that's playing out in all these different ways where people are trying to replay that dynamic

to fix it and that's where you start to find these patterns because they're attracting people very similar to the dynamic that they're attracting people very similar to the dynamic that they're trying to fix as a child in order to feel like they can fix it as an adult. Okay, and I don't think I can have a conversation with a dating coach without bringing up what is it, the five different types of, what are they, love personalities or?

I love languages, right? Love languages. Are you, are you a believer in this or not? Because it's, you know, I am, because I think there is, it's, it's cringing. We do love in different ways. And often, you share a fine in relationships

that aren't working as well as they could be, it's usually because they're not seeing the signs where they are loved and they're not being communicated in ways where they're loved. And this is something that my partner and I have also worked on. I love words of affirmation, physical touch, my partner is more of acts of service. So, you know, I'll be sitting there and randomly getting cups of tea every now and again, but then feeling pissed off because he hasn't said he loves me or something like that. But in his way, he's already communicated that. So it's finding out the dynamics of how, you know, what you actually need in order to feel loved because that's so important.

Everyone feels that love differently. And also how you can bring that into relationship naturally with these two. Okay, well, I remember, I remember one of the things I constantly would hear when I was in of the things I constantly would hear when I was in England and going on the tube was mind the gap. So if you have these dispersed love languages and you're trying to close that gap, what some advice people can do, because I think that is one of the biggest issues

that people have in relationships is one person is all the way over here on their love language, the other person is over here, and they're not getting what they need, because the one person tends to love the way that they want love and the other person is oftentimes doing the same thing. Exactly, exactly.

This is different things that you can do in different dynamics. So one of the things that we do, and I've recommended other couples to go ahead and do, is we'll do the three loves in the morning, and the three loves are basically what you love about yourself, what you love about your partner, and what you love about the day. And it's very simple because it gives you

that words of affirmation. So great for people with words of affirmation. Other things that you can do. So one that's really important to lot of people is quality time. Plan it. Say, when are you going to have your quality time and what does quality time mean for you? Because quality time can mean, you know, having a conversation or a mean, you know, sitting down, watching Netflix together or having a meal together. So it's finding ways that you can have that fulfilled daily, but in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. And that's really important.

It's that collaboration piece again. Yeah, I think we are in a society where we are growing more and more in the sense of being on autopilot. We tend to do the same things. On weekends, you tend to do the same activities. You tend to go to the same places. And there's a lot of spontaneity that I think is missing. It leads from what I'm observing. And I think to your point, the more you can do things that kind of get out of that normal pattern and get you to be conscious of the other person, because I think when you're doing the normal things, you're more in this mode of convenience instead of being engaged and you're engaging on more of a subconscious level,

then, you know, doing things that are different or unique, which would be a new experience for both of you, that could get you to engage more in a conscious level between the two of you. Yeah, so things like date nights, planning a date night once a week or every two weeks or something like that can be such a great way. And I think the other thing as well, because you have like two different ways, you have, you know, people who become so mo, they're so meshed and codependent. Well, you have the couple that lives, you live their separate lives together and the funny thing is you want to get that sweet spot in the middle. Where a site you've still got your own life,

you still get your own interests, your own circle of friends, and then you've got your life at the partner. And it gives you what will happen if you hit that sweet spot, it means that you can still keep your identity. And also you still have that space to be desired as well in the relationship. Because what we tend to find is relationships that tend to become stagged them. I mean, usually because there's not enough space. And space in a relationship is so freaking important. Like I said, in terms of keeping your own identity

keeping account of your own happiness, all these different things, and then being able to sharpen that relationship for a place that's fulfilled and also resourceful because if you've burnt out, if you're exhausted and you're turning up to that relationship with nothing left in the tank, well you're not going to be able to enjoy anything at that point, especially a relationship. So it's good. Yeah, I mean, and I'll share just a personal example as you know when I was in my marriage,

which lasted for a long time, my ex-wife didn't want me to do really anything with my friends. So there was no, you know, meeting up with a friend for a drink for half hour and then coming home or very little, you know, your loan time to pursue your dreams and aspirations. And I'll tell you what at least happened to me is after a while, you just emotionally start going stir crazy because you're not getting that outlet for what you need on your own because there's only so much of that you're going to get in a work environment. own because there's only so much of that you're going to get in the work environment. And, and yes, family life and being around the kids and everything like that is extremely important and you need to spend time there. But if you're not doing things that ignite, you know, kind of that

inner drive, it, it is going to in the long run have very detrimental impacts. Meaning, if you can't find ways to play as an adult in the way that you need to play, it starts impacting you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, down the line. Yeah, it's exactly, and I think this is a thing. You know, you look at, you know, romcoms and films and all these different things,

they create this very unrealistic element of what a relationship should be. You know, it's like you get these sayings like, oh, you know, your relationship should complete you in all these different things. It's like, oh, no, you need that space. And the other thing with family as well, is you're also teaching the children the type of relationship that's healthy which they're going to go ahead and have in their future too. Okay well I'm going to ask you a couple of fun fun questions not anything to do with what we've

been talking about. The first one is what is your most ridiculous college memory? College memory. Oh gosh, this is a ridiculous college memory. Probably being invited to an 18th birthday party. And my friend's mom was a little bit wild and she decided to invite a stripper. I mean, that was, you know, being quite British back then as well, that was freaking terrifying and horrific. Okay. What are five things. So we're talking like objects, so we're talking. I could be anything. Anything. Oh my gosh, that's really tough.

And most people would say sex, probably. What? What? What? I would say, oh gosh, that is really tough. I would say I'll say, oh gosh that is really tough. I would say I'll say, I don't know whether you can keep people in there or not. This is like really, really tough because I also want to say my partner, my dog, love the countryside, chocolate. Oh, oh gosh. Yeah, it's really tough.

The chocolate's definitely in there. Oh gosh. And I would just say like something to be able to learn. I freaking love being able to learn stuff. Like, you know, like, whether it's body language, whether it's anything to do with psychology, yeah, so books or something like that maybe. Okay, and so one of your fellow countrymen has put on a great late night show here where he does car karaoke. So if you were sitting in your own car doing karaoke or at a bar or in your shower,

what's your favorite song to belt out? Oh gosh. This is going to be proper cringey because I have actually belt belt of this satin a karaoke bar and it was alone by heart. I even did the whole, you know, you know, the screaming bit in the instrumental part I probably went for. Well, if you're going to do it, you got to go for it, right? Exactly, exactly. Okay, and the last one is what's your personal Okay, and the last one is what's your personal motto or advice that you live by? Life is what you make it. Okay, well, I think I just gave the listeners five questions that they could ask on a first date. So with that said, I always like to give the guest a chance to tell people how they can

be found. And of course, I'll put this in the show notes. How can people reach out to you? Yeah, best place would be our website. So that's love with intelligence.com. We've got loads of resources. You can find our compatibility matrix and things like that on there. We're also on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube, all under,

love with intelligence. Okay, well, I really enjoyed our conversation today and I think the audience is going to get a lot out of this episode. Thank you, Lillie, so much for coming on the show today. Oh, thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed it. Man, such an interesting episode. Lillie gave some great advice on not only how do you attract the right partner, but how and probably more importantly, do you ensure that you're compatible with them? Such great information from Lully, I hope you'll put it to use. And of course, I will put some links to books on body language and profile on in the show notes. Now, let's give a shout out to our fan of the week, Kenzie Graceland from Canada. And Kenzie wrote, it is a great podcast for the world. There are a

lot of important things that have been set in this podcast. In my opinion, there is so much logic that is unpacked. Nice to meet the host on this podcast, and I'm looking forward to listening so many more episodes. Thank you Kenzie so much for that great rating and endorsement. We appreciate it so much, and they mean so much to our growing movement of having Passion Go viral to people across the world. All of the books that I put in the show now, it's help to support the show. There is also a video of this episode going up on our YouTube channel at John Armiles.

We also have cuts and clips that we also put on that YouTube channel. And now I recently put my favorite books and those books from our guests on the PassionStruck website at passionstruck.com slash books. Go check them out. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast today. Now go out there and get PassionStruck. Thank you so much for joining us.

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