Passion Struck with John R. Miles - The Art Of Managing Toxic Family Using The Mosquito Principle w/John R. Miles EP 387

Starting point is 00:00:00 Coming up next, on PassionStruck, people inspire you or they drain you. Pick them wisely. This impactful statement from author and speaker, Hans F. Hansen, cuts to the heart of a vital lesson. The people in our lives can either be sources of inspiration or drains of our energy. The relationships that we cultivate and the company we keep have the profound ability to influence our emotions, shape our perspectives, and fundamentally impact our overall well-being. Welcome to PassionStruct. Hi, I'm your host, John Armiles, and on the show,

Starting point is 00:00:31 we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guest-ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.

Starting point is 00:01:06 Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello friends and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 387 of PassionStruck. And thank you to each and every one of you who come back weekly to listen and learn, and live better, be better, and impact the world. My new book PassionStruck, which was just recognized by the next Big Idea Club, as a must-read for 2024, is now available for pre-order, and if you order now, you'll get over $300 worth of free gifts that I personally curated for my audience. Just go to PassionStruck.com or slash PassionStruck Book, the order. If you're new to the show, thank you so much for being here,

Starting point is 00:01:41 or if you simply want to introduce this, or a friend or a family member, and we love it when you do that. We have episode setter packs that are collections of our fans' favorite episodes that we organize into convenient playlists that give any new listener a great way to get acclimated, everything that we do here on the show. Either go to passionstruck.com slash starter packs or Spotify to get started. In case you missed it, earlier in the week, I had three amazing guests. The first was Dr. Lucina Aranaka, a Stanford lecturer in an expert on genetics, epigenetics, and personalized nutrition.

Starting point is 00:02:11 I also did a live interview, the first one I've ever done with Hal Elrod, to help celebrate and discuss the updated version of his amazing book, The Miracle Morning. Lastly, I had a fascinating conversation with Dr. Richard Ryan, the co-founder of the Self-Determination Theory, and we explore the three psychological needs for optimal well-being. Please check them all out, and I also wanted to say thank you so much for your ratings and reviews. If you love today's episode or any of the three that I just mentioned, we would so appreciate you giving it a five-star rating and review. These go such a long way in bringing more people into the Passion of Struct Community where we can bring them hope, meaning, and inspiration. I also know we and our guests love to hear from you and see your comments.

Starting point is 00:02:52 Now let's talk about today's momentum Friday episode. As the festive lights twinkle and carols fill the air, a holiday season ushers in a time of togetherness, celebration, and often unspoken pressure. It's the silent expectation to revel in every moment, to declare New Year's Eve the pinnacle of festivity, or to embrace Christmas with open arms and hearts, which sometimes can feel overwhelming. This dichotomy of the holiday spirit is pointedly captured in the band of Horsesong the funeral, which suddenly touches upon the aversion that many feel towards these special occasions. The song serves as a metaphor for the reluctance and emotional turmoil that can accompany holiday

Starting point is 00:03:33 gatherings, particularly when faced with the toxicity that can arise from family and friends' circles. But how do you navigate these complex dynamics? Without sacrificing personal well-being and joy, the answer lies in the mosquito principle, a philosophy that I explore my upcoming book, Passion Struct, wealth-powerful principles to unlock your purpose and ignite your most intentional life. Just as mosquitoes are small,

Starting point is 00:03:56 yet capable of inflicting significant harm, certain individuals in our social circles, and be sources of negativity, graining our energy and dampening our festive spirit. These human mosquitoes, whether they be the blood suckers who disregard boundaries, the invisible suffocators who view the world as semistically, or those who consistently disrupt harmony

Starting point is 00:04:18 and make holiday gatherings a source of stress rather than celebration. In this episode, I'm going to dive into actionable strategies to harness the mosquito principle during the holiday season. I will guide you through identifying these draining influences, setting effective boundaries, and fostering relationships that support and uplift you. Our journey will arm you with strategies not just to survive, but to flourish amidst the holiday bustle on Hossal. So as we prepare to navigate this season of festivity, let's equip ourselves with the tools not just to survive, but to thrive in the face of holiday challenges.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin. I want to start today's episode out by telling you a story. Let's envision a scenario at the Harper family's Christmas Eve dinner. The Harper household is bustling with holiday cheer, a beautifully decorated Christmas tree in the corner of the living room, and the smell of a sumptuous feast wafed in through the air.

Starting point is 00:05:22 Emma Harper, the youngest daughter, feels a mix of excitement and unease about the dinner. Her aunt Linda, who she dreads interacting with, is also attending. Linda, known for her critical comments, often leaves Emma feeling elitled and self-conscious. As the family settles down for dinner, conversations flow around the table. When the topic shifts to Emma's recent career change, Linda seizes the opportunity to question Emma's decision. She makes passive-aggressive remarks, casting doubt on Emma's choices and their future prospects. Without a strategy to manage this situation, Emma finds herself increasingly uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:05:57 She attempts to defend her decisions, but feels overwhelmed by Linda's relentless questions and skepticism. Her responses become less assured, and she gradually withdraws from a conversation, feeling deflated and anxious. The rest of the evening passes in the blur for Emma. She remains quiet. Her joy, overshadowed by the previous exchange. A lively chatter and laughter around her feel distant as she ruminates over Linda's words,

Starting point is 00:06:23 questioning her own decisions. This experience highlights a common dilemma faced during family gatherings, feeling with friends or relatives whose comments and behavior can significantly dampen our spirits, for Emma and many others in similar situations. A method to handle such situations gracefully and assertively is crucial. Next, I will introduce the mosquito principle, a concept that could have empowered Emma to navigate this challenging situation differently,

Starting point is 00:06:51 maintaining her well-being in the enjoyment of the holiday season. This principle offers a strategic approach to identifying and managing the human mosquitoes that we find in our lives, transforming our experience of family gatherings as well as social interactions. In the wake of Emma Harper's challenging experience at her family's Christmas Eve celebration,

Starting point is 00:07:12 it becomes evident that a proactive approach is needed to handle such difficult situations. This is where the mosquito principle comes into play, offering a practical and empowering strategy to deal with the human mosquitoes that we encounter, especially during emotionally charged holiday gatherings. The mosquito principle is a metaphor concept that likened certain individuals in our social circles to mosquitoes. These are the people who, much like the insects, can cause irritation and harm in subtle, yet persistent manners. They can be the family members who overstep their boundaries, the friends who constantly criticize, or the colleagues who undermine our confidence.

Starting point is 00:07:49 For Emma, and many others facing similar situation, recognizing these toxic influences is the first step towards managing them effectively. The mosquito principle provides a framework for understanding these dynamics and developing strategies to protect one's emotional well-being. Here are some key components of the principle. Let's first go through identification. It's so vital to learn to identify the mosquitoes in your life. Are they the blood suckers who drain your energy, the invisible efficators who spread negativity, or the pain in the asses who constantly create conflict?

Starting point is 00:08:21 Next comes awareness. You need to cultivate awareness of how these different mosquitoes affect you. Do they leave you feeling drained, anxious, or upset? Recognizing these emotional responses is crucial in taking the next steps, which leads us to boundary setting, the need to develop and enforce boundaries. This might mean limiting your interaction with these individuals, changing the way that you respond to them, or finding ways to detach emotionally from their influence. At Emma Ben equipped with the mosquito principle during her holiday dinner, her approach to Antlinda's criticism would have been markedly different instead of withdrawn.

Starting point is 00:08:57 She could have set a boundary or changed the subject, thereby maintaining her composure and enjoyment of the evening's activities. In the next section, we'll explore how to identify the mosquitoes in your own life, drawing from Emma's experience and providing practical tips to recognize and manage these challenging interactions. This knowledge is key to transforming your experience of holiday gatherings and ensuring that there are occasions of joy and celebration, not stress and discomfort. Drone lessons from Emma Harper's experience, we can see the importance in undenifying the human mosquitoes in our lives.

Starting point is 00:09:30 These individuals can turn joyful occasions into sources of stress and discomfort, recognizing who they are and understanding their impact on us is the first step in applying the mosquito principle. Let's go through the different mosquitoes you can encounter. The first is the boundary crosser, which I call the blood sucker. This is a kin, Aunt Linda, and Emma's scenario. They often disregard personal boundaries, making intrusive comments or demands. They might question your life choices,

Starting point is 00:09:57 or offer unsolicited advice that leaves you feeling undermined. Then there's the pessimist, which I call the invisible suffocator. These individuals have a knack of spreading negativity. They're pessimistic outlook, and tendency to complain, and dampen the mood of any gathering. And then there's the conflict creator, which I label the PETA, or pain in the ass. They thrive on drama, and often stir up conflict,

Starting point is 00:10:21 as intention, and unease, in social situation. So what are some steps that you can take to recognize these influences? A first is to reflect on past interactions. Who left you feeling drained or upset? What behaviors or comments triggered those responses? Next, notice your emotional and physical responses during your interactions.

Starting point is 00:10:40 Do you feel tense, anxious or exhausted? These can be indicators of a mosquito presence. And then lastly, look for patterns of behavior. There's a particular person always credsize others, or bring up controversial topics that can lead to arguments. By identifying these mosquitoes, you can begin to understand their influence on your well-being. This awareness is crucial, in developing strategies to mitigate their impact and to protect your emotional health. Next, I'm going to dive into some effective strategies for setting boundaries. This will include how to assert yourself in situations like Emma's and maintain your

Starting point is 00:11:14 sense of peace and enjoyment during holiday gatherings. By mastering these techniques, you can transform potentially stressful situations into opportunities for personal empowerment and positive interactions. Having identified the mosquitoes in our lives, the next vital step is setting boundaries. This is crucial for maintaining emotional well-being, especially in situations like MS, or family dynamics during the holidays can be challenging. Boundaries are essential for safeguarding our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They act as invisible walls, defining what we are and what we are not comfortable with,

Starting point is 00:11:49 and protecting us from the harmful influence of others. Setting boundaries is a concept rooted in psychological health. It involves understanding and communicating one's limits and needs in relationships. Numerous studies have demonstrated the significance of boundaries in determining acceptable behavior and communicating personal limits. They are by reducing the likelihood of experiencing harmful or disrespectful treatment. Proper boundaries prevent burnout, reduce resentment, and promote self-respect. They are also key to healthy, mutually respectful relationships, which can contribute to a more balanced and successful life. Despite the importance of this, many still struggle with the guilt of saying no and setting

Starting point is 00:12:31 their personal boundaries. This shouldn't be. So how do you say no and set healthy boundaries? Here are some tips to get you started and to help work your way through. A first is to identify your priorities. What is most important to you in your life? Your health, your family, your career, knowing your priorities can help you set boundaries for what you are willing to commit to and what you are not willing to. Second, communicate your boundaries. Make sure that you articulate them, respectively and clearly. If you're uncomfortable with certain

Starting point is 00:13:01 topics of discussion, like Emma with her career choices, communicate this directly. For example, say, I appreciate your interest in my career, but I'm not comfortable discussing it tonight. Third, consistency is key. Don't be swayed by guilt trips or manipulation. Once you've communicated your boundaries, stick to them consistently. This helps others to understand your limits and respect them over time. Fourth, plan for challenging situations.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Think ahead of the potential scenarios where your boundaries might be pushed and plan how you're going to respond. This preparation can help you feel more confident and in control, and then fifth, self-advocacy. Remember that it's okay to prioritize your well-being and say no when something doesn't align with your values or goals. Advocating for yourself is not selfish. It's necessary for your mental and emotional health. Now, let's examine implementing boundaries in practice by going back to Emma's story. If Emma had set clear boundaries with Aunt Linda, the dinner could have unfolded differently. By

Starting point is 00:14:00 respectfully, but firmly, redirecting the discussion, we're choosing not to engage with critical comments, Emma could have maintained her composure and enjoyment of the evening. In the next section, I will explore how to nurture and build supportive relationships. This is crucial for balancing the negative impact of mosquitoes and creating a positive, uplifting environment during holiday gatherings and an everyday life. After establishing how to set boundaries for the mosquitoes in our lives, it's equally important to focus on, cultivating supportive and positive relationships. These relationships can serve as a counterbalance to the negative influences and enhance our overall

Starting point is 00:14:39 well-being, especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays. Supportive relationships are those that bring positivity, mutual respect, and understanding in our lives. They are the antidote to the draining effects of the mosquitoes. So how do you build these supportive relationships? First, seek common ground. Look for individuals who share similar interests, values, or experiences. Common ground can be the foundation for supportive and meaningful connections.

Starting point is 00:15:06 Second, be open to new connections. Sometimes supportive individuals may be outside of your current circle. Be open to forming new relationships, whether it's through community events, social gatherings, or even online platforms. Third, foster reciprocity. A supportive relationship is a two-way street. Be is willing to offer support and understanding as you are receiving it. Fourth, communicate effectively. Just as with setting boundaries, clear and open communication is key in building and maintaining supportive relationships. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences honestly. Fifth, show appreciation. Acknowledge and appreciate the support that you receive.

Starting point is 00:15:45 Ratitude can strengthen bonds and create a positive cycle of mutual support. So once you've established these supportive relationships, how do you go about nurturing them? The key here is to invest time and effort, like any valuable aspect of life. Relationships require time and effort to grow. Regular check-ins, shared activities, and meaningful conversations can deepen these relationships. Next, you need to be a supportive presence. Offer your support to others.

Starting point is 00:16:12 Listen actively, provide encouragement, and be there for them in challenging times, and lastly, celebrate success together, sharing in each other's successes, and joys, and further cement your bond, and create lasting positive emotions. Now, let's revisit Emma's experience through the lens of supportive relationships. If Emma had focused on nurturing supportive relationships, within her family or friend's circle, she might have found allies during the challenging interactions that she had with Aunt Linda. These supportive individuals could have offered encouragement, or even helped steer the

Starting point is 00:16:43 conversation in a more positive direction. Next, I'm going to explore the final piece of the equation in navigating holiday situations with mosquitoes, how to manage emotional challenges, and using those experiences for personal growth. This will tie together the different components of the mosquito principle, offering a comprehensive approach, a handling complex family dynamics during the holidays. So let's now dive into how to confront emotional hurdles. It's critical to address the emotional challenges that arise and how these experiences can be channeled towards personal growth.

Starting point is 00:17:16 This approach not only helps in dealing with immediate stressors, but also contributes long-term emotional resilience and self-awareness. Holiday gatherings can be emotionally charged, with family gatherings often bringing up past issues or sensitivities. These emotional landscapes are as diverse as they are intense, making it crucial to manage them with care and understanding. It's normal to feel a range of emotions, from anxiety and frustration to sadness and nostalgia. Here are some proactive strategies that you can take to manage emotional challenges during the holidays.

Starting point is 00:17:51 The first is to acknowledge the emotional weight, confronting the emotional hurdles of distancing, requires a genuine acknowledgement of the weight carried by these relationships. Recognizing your feelings as they arise gives you the opportunity to respond thoughtfully, rather than to react impulsively. Next, seek emotional support in the face of such emotional challenges. Seeking external support becomes paramount. During your feelings with trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals can provide a necessary outlet for processing emotions, fostering a sense of validation and understanding. Third, cultivate self-compassion. Recognize that prioritizing personal well-being is not just justified,

Starting point is 00:18:32 but it's crucial is an essential aspect of this journey. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with self-kindness, and acknowledging that the decision to distance is an act of self-preservation rather than selflessness. Next, you need to exercise patience. The emotional ties formed over time cannot be severed hastily and the process may unfold gradually. Embracing patience allows for the natural ebb and flow of emotions, facilitating a healthier emotional transition and a more sustainable path to healing. And then lastly, it's important to reflect on our experiences.

Starting point is 00:19:06 After the gatherings, take some time to reflect on what transpired. What did you learn about yourself? How did you handle challenging situations? This reflection can be a powerful tool for personal growth. By implementing these strategies, you create the space needed to distance yourself from negative influences. This intentional shift haves the way for more positive and powering relationships, fundamentally altering the experiences of your holiday gatherings

Starting point is 00:19:31 and well beyond. As we conclude, it's clear that navigating holiday gatherings with the metaphorical mosquito audit is not just about surviving the season, but thriving through these challenges. Each interaction, each moment of discomfort, and every step or setting boundaries in self-care is a building block or it's a more resilient, self-aware and emotionally healthy life. The mosquito principle, therefore, is not just a holiday strategy, but a blueprint for personal growth and emotional empowerment, and correctively curating our social circle. We do more than just protect ourselves from the draining effects of mosquitoes. We create a fertile ground for fulfilling,

Starting point is 00:20:09 purpose-driven life enriched by relationships that uplift, inspire, and encourage us to be our best selves. As we chart this new course, let us embrace the fluidity of growth and change, recognizing the intentional choices that we make in our relationships, and the boundaries that we set lay a pivotal role in shaping the trajectory of our lives. The principles of the mosquito audit guide us in this endeavor, ensuring that our connections enhance, rather than hinder, our path, who a vibrant, purposeful existence. I hope you all enjoyed the show and I wanted to thank everyone who wrote in this week and

Starting point is 00:20:43 especially those who listened. Links to the transcripts will be in the show notes. Videos are on YouTube at both John R. Miles and PassionStark clips. Everties are deals on discount codes and one community place at passionstark.com slash deals. You can find me on all the social platforms at John R. Miles. You can sign up for my personal development newsletter, Live Intentionally, on the PassionStark website, or you can sign up for my work-related newsletter

Starting point is 00:21:06 work intentionally on LinkedIn. You're about to hear a preview of the PassionStruck podcast interview that I did with Maria Manunoz, an American television presenter, author, and podcast host. Maria hosted Extra and E-News was a TV correspondent for today, Axis Hollywood, author, and podcast host was a TV correspondent for today, Ax Hollywood, author and podcast host was a TV correspondent for today, Access Hollywood and also co-hosted Miss Universe 2023. Our conversation is a really deep and profound episode with her about the low and high points in her life and how she ended up managing through them. We have to take a lot more ownership over the healthcare situation in our lives

Starting point is 00:21:43 because the dosers are overwhelmed. You know your body better than anybody at the end of the day. You have to keep fighting for answers. You have to keep pushing. If something isn't feeling right, you've got to keep going and getting a new doctor. If your doctor is maybe gaslighting you, and that's happened to me too, you just have to keep pushing. If the pain persists, so should you. You've got to keep looking. Remember that we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those that you love and care about. And if you know someone who is struggling with toxic city

Starting point is 00:22:11 during the holidays, then definitely share this episode with them. The greatest compliment that you can give us is to share the show with those that you love and care about. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you're on the show so that you can live what you listen. Until next time, go out there and become Ash and Scrub.

Passion Struck with John R. Miles - The Art Of Managing Toxic Family Using The Mosquito Principle w/John R. Miles EP 387

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