Passion Struck with John R. Miles - The Hidden Crisis of Family Mattering—And How to Fix It

Starting point is 00:00:00 What if the strength of your family doesn't come from grand gestures but from the small moments you don't even notice? In episode 582, I dive into how tiny everyday choices can either bring you closer together or slowly create distance. Join me as we uncover the quiet, often overlooked actions that truly hold families together. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so

Starting point is 00:00:39 that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become passion struck. Hey there, passion struck fam.

Starting point is 00:01:05 Welcome to episode 582. Whether you've been with me for a while or this is your first time, this is where we challenge conventional thinking and create lives of impact. Earlier this week, we explored two incredible conversations that reshaped how we think about human potential and purpose. On Tuesday, I sat down with Natalie Namaste,

Starting point is 00:01:24 a renowned holistic healer, to explore the power of the solar plexus chakra and how tapping into your inner energy can transform your confidence, relationships, and well-being. Then on Thursday Dr. Sam Wilkinson joined me to dive into the evolutionary science of purpose, how our biology and psychology shape the meaning of our existence, and why free will plays a crucial role in our lives. And today we're bringing it back to something even more personal, the way we experience connection in our families. At first glance everything looks fine, a family sharing a meal, a couple sitting

Starting point is 00:01:56 together in the same room, parents checking in with their kids. Beneath the surface something is missing. Today we're diving into a silent epidemic of disconnection that's slowly eroding families. How the feeling of not mattering is at the core of this struggle. It's not that families don't love each other. The sense of being truly seen, valued, and acknowledged has been lost in the shuffle of everyday life.

Starting point is 00:02:23 We often assume that because love exists in the family, the connection is there too, but love alone isn't enough. Without intentional actions that show we matter to each other, love fades into the background. So today I'm exploring how families can get caught in a cycle of emotional neglect, even without conflict. I'll go into the impact of small unnoticed moments that make us feel invisible, and why showing that we matter

Starting point is 00:02:50 is essential to keeping families strong and connected. These are the quiet struggles many families face, and in this episode, we'll impact how the lack of feeling truly valued is affecting family dynamics and what we can do about it. Before we dive in, I wanna remind you about the episode Starter Packs, hand-picked collections of our most popular episodes

Starting point is 00:03:12 that help you start your journey toward intentional living. You can find them on Spotify or at passionstruck.com slash starter packs. And if you haven't already joined, you need to sign up for my Live Intentionally newsletter where I share weekly insights, challenges, practical strategies, and exclusive content to help you live with greater purpose.

Starting point is 00:03:31 You can sign up at passionstruck.com. Alright, let's get started. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin. At first glance, everything looks fine. A mother stands at the kitchen counter, scrolling through emails as she sips her coffee. Her teenage daughter enters, backpack slung over one shoulder, and mutters a half-hearted, mourning. The mother replies without even

Starting point is 00:04:04 looking up. In the living room, a father flips through the news on his phone while his son plays a video game. They sit just a few feet apart, yet they haven't spoken beyond a passing, did you finish your homework? Dinner is a quiet shuffle of plates and utensils,

Starting point is 00:04:20 punctuated by short practical question, who's driving to practice? Did you pay the electricity bill? Conversations are efficient, but they don't go beyond logistics. And at the end of the night, they retreat to their separate rooms, each absorbed in their own world. This isn't a broken home. It's just a disconnected one.

Starting point is 00:04:39 Nobody's fighting. Nobody's yelling. The love is still there, unspoken, assumed, but present. And yet, something crucial is missing. Dr. Julianne Holt-Lundstad, a leading expert on social connection, describes this as a form of loneliness we rarely talk about. We often think loneliness is about physical isolation, she told me in episode 282. But loneliness isn't about being alone, it's about feeling unseen. You can be surrounded by family and still feel profoundly lonely. Most families don't fall apart with a bang, they fade through the slow erosion of attention,

Starting point is 00:05:18 the accumulation of moments where mattering is assumed but never demonstrated. We assume that love is enough, that just because we care about someone, they automatically feel valued. But love, left unexpressed, becomes background noise. Psychologist Dr. John Gottem spent decades studying what makes relationships thrive or fail. What he found wasn't what most people expect. In

Starting point is 00:05:45 healthy families, people acknowledge each other's bids for attention 86% of the time. In struggling families, that number drops below 33%. Not because they don't love each other, but because they stop seeing each other. Gottman describes these as sliding door moments, tiny opportunities to turn toward someone instead of away. A child says, Mom, look what I made. The parent glances up and says, uh, nice, then looks back at their phone. The partner asks, how was your day?

Starting point is 00:06:17 Instead of pausing, looking them in the eye and truly listening. The other mutters, fine, barely looking up. The child stops showing their artwork. The partner stops asking about the day. Dr. Wendy Smith, a professor of management at the University of Delaware, has spent years studying paradoxes in relationships. When I interviewed her on the podcast, she explained that we want deep connection, but we're constantly pulled in different directions. She told me that the paradox is that while we assume love is enough,

Starting point is 00:06:47 love only thrives when it's expressed, and mattering must be intentional. Her insight raises an important question. If love thrives when expressed, what happens when it isn't? Albert Einstein knew this feeling well. Before he was one of the greatest scientific minds in history, he was a child who felt

Starting point is 00:07:06 invisible. As a boy, Einstein didn't speak fluently until he was almost five years old. His teachers thought he was slow. His classmates ignored him. Even his parents, though they loved him, worried he would never amount to much. He later recalled that his sense of not mattering shaped him deeply. But then something shifted. His mother Pauline was the first person to truly see him.

Starting point is 00:07:28 She noticed his fascination with patterns and numbers. Instead of dismissing his interests as strange, she encouraged them. She gave him a violin, knowing that music had the structure and beauty that soothed him. She fought for his education when schools wanted to turn him away.

Starting point is 00:07:44 In his later years, Einstein credited these small but profound moments with changing the course of his life, because when someone makes us feel like we matter, we rise to that belief. But the opposite is also true. When people feel unseen, unheard, or dismissed, they shrink. Arthur Brooks, a Harvard professor and bestselling author on the science of happiness, has spent decades studying what makes relationships thrive. When I spoke to him in episode 344, he shared a simple but profound truth.

Starting point is 00:08:15 Happiness isn't about eliminating suffering. It's about managing yourself, not managing the outside world. The happiest people don't wait for life to get easier. They take ownership of their emotions and their relationships. Arthur's insight has powerful implications for families. When a child grows up in a home where they feel seen,

Starting point is 00:08:36 not just for what they achieve, but for who they are, they build a strong sense of self-worth. When a spouse feels acknowledged, not just as a partner in logistics, but as a person with dreams, struggles, and emotions, they invest more deeply in the relationship. But the opposite is also true. When children don't feel like they matter, they internalize a message of invisibility. When partners don't feel valued, they stop investing emotionally. When families prioritize logistics over connection,

Starting point is 00:09:05 they slowly drift apart. This isn't about blame, it's about awareness. Because small changes can rebuild what's been lost. I used to believe that love was enough. That if you love someone, your child, your spouse, your parents, they just knew it. That the foundation of family was strong simply because of its existence.

Starting point is 00:09:24 Then one day I saw it. I was sitting in a cafe watching a mother and daughter at the table next to me. The daughter, maybe 12 years old, was animated, talking fast, her hands moving in the air. She was excited, maybe about a book she loved, a dream she had, but her mother wasn't looking. She scrolled through her phone, nodding absently. Yeah, honey, that's nice. The girl kept talking, but after a while, her voice changed. It got quieter. Then she stopped altogether. It wasn't anger. It wasn't an outburst. It was something sadder. The kind of quiet that signals a door quietly closing. And in that moment, I wondered, how many times had I done that to someone I loved? How many times had I been too tired, too distracted, too caught up in my own world to notice when

Starting point is 00:10:11 someone needed to feel like they mattered? Families don't fall apart in an instant. They erode in a thousand tiny, unseen moments. But the smallest shift, a look, a pause, a moment of full presence, can bring it back. And this leads me into why families are struggling more than ever. It's easy to talk about the importance of connection. It's harder to find the time. Modern life isn't built for presence.

Starting point is 00:10:36 It's built for productivity. For many parents, the transition between work and home is instant. You shut your laptop or step through the front door and immediately you're expected to switch gears, going from handling high-stake decisions to handling bedtime routines, from work emails to homework help. I know this because I lived it. As the primary breadwinner,

Starting point is 00:10:56 I spent years working high-pressure jobs as a senior executive. My days were filled with back-to-back meetings, critical decisions, and the weight of responsibility. But the moment I walked through the door, I wasn't an executive anymore. I was a dad, and my kids needed me. My wife didn't work outside the home, which meant there was an expectation that when I got home, the kids were my responsibility.

Starting point is 00:11:20 There was no buffer, no decompression time. My head was still filled with work-related problems, but my attention was suddenly required elsewhere. I suspect many families, whether it's one working parent or both, are experiencing some version of this. And even when the workday ends, the distractions don't. There are after-school activities, homework, dinner to be made, emails to check,

Starting point is 00:11:44 notifications piling up on our phones, and when there to be made, emails to check, notifications piling up on our phones, and when there's finally a moment of stillness, we don't instinctively turn toward each other. We turn toward something easier. Social media, TV, gaming. Not because we don't love our families, but because we are emotionally exhausted. This is the paradox of modern connection. We have more ways than ever to stay in touch, texting, FaceTime, Slack messages from work.

Starting point is 00:12:10 Yet we often feel more emotionally disconnected than ever. And in that constant motion, it's easy to let the small moments of mattering slip away. The good news is that mattering isn't about adding more to our plates. It's about being intentional with what's already there. Dr. Wendy Smith's research on paradoxes offers a key insight. Thriving families don't eliminate tension, they learn how to navigate it. That means making mattering a deliberate practice, not just an assumption. Because love is assumed, but mattering must be demonstrated every single day.

Starting point is 00:12:45 So this brings us to the science of mattering at home. Before a child steps into a classroom, a friendship, or a romantic relationship, they've already formed an unconscious belief about their worth. And that belief starts at home. Dr. Elisa Pressman, a developmental psychologist and co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, explained in our podcast episode that children build their first blueprint of self-worth through the way they've been seen by their caregivers. It's not just about love, it's about feeling valued.

Starting point is 00:13:14 This early foundation shapes not only how a child sees themselves, but also how they relate to others for the rest of their lives. Psychologists have long studied how relationships shape our lifelong emotional patterns. Attachment theory, first developed by John Balby and later expanded by Dr. Mary Answorth, identifies three primary styles of attachment. First there's secure attachment, which is where children who consistently feel seen, soothed, and valued grow into adults who trust relationships and express emotions openly.

Starting point is 00:13:48 Then there's anxious attachment. This is when children experience inconsistent attention, sometimes present, sometimes distracted, and they grow up craving validation, fearing rejection, and struggling with emotional security. And then lastly, there's avoidant attachment. And in this case, a child learns that when emotional bids are ignored or dismissed, they stop expressing their needs. As adults, they might struggle with intimacy, suppress emotions, or believe they must be self-sufficient

Starting point is 00:14:19 to avoid disappointment. The heartbreaking reality? Most parents don't intend to create anxious or avoidant attachment patterns, but it happens in the moments they don't even notice. A child rushes in with a drawing, excited to share. A parent nods without looking up. Over time, the child stops sharing.

Starting point is 00:14:37 A teenage confesses, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. A parent, uncomfortable with the vulnerability, responds, don't be silly, you have tons of friends. The teen learns their emotions aren't a safe topic. It's never just one moment, it's the accumulation of these moments that writes a child's internal story. I am worth attention or I am invisible. The way a child experiences mattering at home has a ripple effect far beyond childhood.

Starting point is 00:15:04 Children who feel seen and valued develop greater resilience, confidence, and emotional intelligence. Children who struggle with their self-worth seek validation in unhealthy ways or end up withdrawing from connection altogether. When kids feel acknowledged, not just for what they do, but for who they are, they grow into secure connected adults. But the opposite is also true. When children feel invisible, they internalize that message. When partners feel unacknowledged, they disengage. When families operate on logistics instead of connection, they slowly drift apart.

Starting point is 00:15:39 This isn't about guilt, it's about awareness. And the good news? It doesn't take a complete lifestyle overhaul. It takes small, intentional shifts. So here's the real question. What is one moment today where you can make someone in your family feel like they truly matter, not just loved, but seen, heard, and valued? Because in the end, families don't thrive on love alone. They thrive on the moments we choose to show it. And this leads to the hidden metric of a strong family. I believe we measure family success in all the wrong

Starting point is 00:16:16 ways. We look at grades, we look at clean schedules, we keep score with to-do lists and packed calendars. We assume that if the household is functioning, the family is thriving. But the real measure of a strong family isn't how well it runs. It's whether everyone in it feels valued. Does a child feel seen beyond their report card? Does a spouse feel acknowledged outside of logistical conversations? Does each person in the family believe they matter? Not just in theory, but in daily experience. This, I believe, is the missing piece. And if we want

Starting point is 00:16:51 to build families that don't just function but truly thrive, we need to shift what we prioritize in our daily interactions. That shift doesn't require more time, more energy, or complete lifestyle change. It requires intentionality. So this leads me to one of the most important questions I think so many of us face. How do we give when we have nothing left? I know this is what I felt almost every single day when I came home from work. And it's important to realize, if kids build their self-worth by how we respond to them, and if we're so exhausted, overstimulated, and mentally drained that we can't respond with presence, then

Starting point is 00:17:31 where does that leave us? Dr. Pressman put it to me this way, kids don't just need us to be there, they need us to be emotionally available. But that's impossible if we keep running on empty. And yet, that's the reality for so many parents. After a full work day, whether at the office or at home, we have nothing left to give. We're still processing work stress. We're handling logistics, schedules, and obligations.

Starting point is 00:17:56 And on top of that, we're supposed to be emotionally present for our kids. That's an impossible ask. But burnout doesn't just damage us. It damages connection. So how do we correct it? The first step is acknowledging what's really draining us. We assume our kids need more of our time, but what they really need is more of our attention.

Starting point is 00:18:16 Most parents don't even realize how much residual attention we're giving to things that aren't in the room. Emails, to-do lists, work obligations that bleed into family time. We're physically present, but mentally elsewhere. Our bodies transition from one space to another, but our minds don't. You walk through the front door,

Starting point is 00:18:34 but your head is still in a meeting. You're making dinner, but you're still processing an unresolved email. Your child asks a question, and you nod, half listening, before realizing you have no idea what they just said. Kids can feel this. That's why the solution isn't just be more present. It's about creating a buffer between work and family. A small, deliberate moment where we transition, reset, and reclaim our attention before stepping into the next role. When I spoke

Starting point is 00:19:03 with Dr. Wendy Smith, she talked about the false trade-off that so many parents feel, the belief that you have to choose between being productive and being emotionally available. But it's not about choosing one over the other. It's about intentionally designing small shifts that allow both to coexist. It doesn't take hours. It takes five minutes. The act of pausing, stepping outside for a breath, closing your eyes for a moment, shaking off the workday before re-engaging can make all the difference. Because kids don't need us to be available all the time. They need us to be fully there when we are available.

Starting point is 00:19:39 And this leads me to the second important question we have to answer. How do families drift apart without even realizing it? Most families don't break because of one catastrophic event. They fade through tiny, imperceptible moments of disconnection. It happens quietly. Dinner becomes a collection of separate screens, everyone eating in their own world. Conversation strength to logistics, schedules, deadlines, the practicalities of life. The household starts to feel like a place where people coexist rather than connect.

Starting point is 00:20:11 Dr. Gottem's research found that thriving families don't necessarily spend more time together, they just have more consistent anchor points, which are small predictable moments that bring them back together. But for many modern families, even these small moments are slipping away. Dr. Pressman told me, kids need rituals of belonging. Something as simple as predictable mealtimes, where they know they will be seen and heard, creates an emotional anchor. Yet in many homes, dinner has become just another task.

Starting point is 00:20:41 One that, more often than not, happens in front of a screen. It's not that parents don't care. It's that exhaustion, stress, and digital distraction make it easier to disconnect than to connect. So the real question isn't how do we stop disconnecting, and that's where technology plays a much bigger role than we realize. The biggest force pulling families apart isn't just stress. It's the quiet, ever-present pull of

Starting point is 00:21:05 screens. We aren't just distracted anymore, we are overstimulated. We check emails at dinner, we scroll through social media during conversations, we turn to Netflix instead of each other, not out of disinterest but because it's easier than the emotional effort of connection. And kids? They're learning the same habits. Dr. Pressman explained to me that kids don't retreat into screens just for entertainment. They do it to cope with feeling unseen. A child who doesn't feel like they're being noticed

Starting point is 00:21:35 will naturally find a place where they are noticed, even if it's online. But the most powerful way to make a child put their phone down isn't restriction, it's engagement. So how do we stop screens from replacing human connection? Not by eliminating them, but by redefining how we use them. First, we need to set realistic tech boundaries. Completely banning screens isn't practical.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Instead, we need small, predictable boundaries that protect key moments of connection. Instead of no screens allowed, shift to no screens in these spaces. Such as no phones at the dinner table, no screens in bedrooms after a set time, no devices during face-to-face conversations. Instead of less screen time, switch to screen time with purpose. Watching shows together instead of separately. Using apps for connection, like shared playlists, family gaming nights. Texting or video calling is a way to stay in touch,

Starting point is 00:22:33 not just to escape. The goal isn't to remove screens, it's to make sure they don't replace family connection. The second thing we can do is to model the habits we want to see. Parents want kids to be less distracted, yet we often model distraction ourselves. If our first instinct after work is to check our phones, we can't be surprised when our kids do the same.

Starting point is 00:22:54 Dr. Smith explained to me that kids internalize what they see far more than what they've been told. She told me a child who grows up watching their parents choose presents will naturally do the same. But if they only see their parents distracted, they'll learn that that's the norm. This means owning our own digital habits. It means placing the phone out of reach during meals, creating check-in moments where work emails and notifications are off limits, and being mindful of how often we're half listening while looking at a screen. Kids don't just follow rules, they follow examples.

Starting point is 00:23:29 And then third, don't just block tech. Replace it with engagement. Instead of just limiting screen time, give kids something better to do. A child buried in a screen may not just put it down just because you ask, but they will put it down if there's something more engaging happening with the people they love. This doesn't mean orchestrating elaborate bonding activities. It means creating simple, inviting moments of togetherness.

Starting point is 00:23:56 Cooking together instead of eating separately. Playing a quick card game before bed instead of passive scrolling. Walking the dog as a family instead of everyone disappearing into their own corners. A family that plays together, cooks together, and lingers together doesn't need as many rules about tech because the alternative becomes more appealing than the screen. And this leads me to the final question. How do we rebuild connection without overwhelming ourselves? One of the biggest myths about family connection

Starting point is 00:24:26 is that it requires grand time-consuming efforts. But real connection isn't about built in long, deep conversations or extravagant gestures. It's built in small daily moments of intentional presence. When I asked Arthur Brooks about this, he told me, happiness in relationships isn't about eliminating stress. It's about managing yourself, not the outside world.

Starting point is 00:24:47 And that's the key. Reconnection isn't about doing more. It's about showing up differently in the time you already have. And Dr. Smith's research on paradoxes reinforces this idea. She explained that the happiest families don't force togetherness. They design tiny, meaningful interactions that fit with their real lives. So, instead of trying to fix disconnection with more scheduled time together, what if we focused on infusing connection into what already exists?

Starting point is 00:25:14 Instead of eating dinner in silence, what if we used that time to actually talk? Instead of everyone disappearing into separate rooms after dinner, what if we lingered for five extra minutes? Instead of asking kids, how was your day? Which inevitably leads to them answering, fine. What if we asked, what made you laugh today? Or what was something interesting you learned? These tiny shifts change the emotional culture of a home because family connection isn't about quantity, it's about quality and consistency. So this leads me to the one sentence daily habit that changes everything.

Starting point is 00:25:49 If a child's self-worth is shaped by whether they feel seen, then perhaps the most powerful shift we can make is actually saying it out loud. Once a day, take a moment to acknowledge something about them. Not just a compliment, not just a passing good job, something specific. Something like, I love how kind you were to your sister today. Or I'm proud of how hard you worked on that. Or I love spending time with you. It takes less than 10 seconds, but over time it becomes the foundation of their self-belief.

Starting point is 00:26:23 And Dr. Gatam's research shows that the ratio of positive interaction to negative ones determines the long-term health of any relationship. And that's the point. Families don't thrive because of one big dramatic moment of connection. They thrive because of thousands of tiny moments that prove over and over again that everyone matters. And here's the truth. We won't always be perfectly present.

Starting point is 00:26:47 We won't always say the right thing. We won't always get it right. But kids don't need perfect parents. They need parents who try. They need parents who make the effort, even when they're exhausted, even when life is chaotic. They need evidence, small daily moments that prove they matter. And the good news? Those moments are already happening. We just have to notice them.

Starting point is 00:27:14 And that's a wrap on today's episode. But here's the thing. This conversation doesn't end here. Connection isn't built in grand gestures. It's built in the unnoticed moments, the tiny choices we make when no one is watching. The moment you look up from your phone when your child speaks. The extra minute you linger at the dinner table instead of rushing off. The way you say goodnight, not as a routine, but as a ritual. No single moment defines a family, but a thousand small ones do. The reality is, we won't get this right every day. We'll be distracted.

Starting point is 00:27:49 We'll be tired. We'll snap when we didn't mean to. But what matters isn't perfection. It's returning. Whether after a hard day, we still make space to connect. Whether in the middle of chaos, we find seconds, just seconds, to remind someone they matter. Whether we choose to see each other, even when life makes it easy to look away. That's what makes a family strong.

Starting point is 00:28:13 Not just love, but the proof of it. Woven into the smallest, most ordinary moments of every day. So if this episode resonated with you, pay it forward. Share it with someone who needs to hear it. Post it. Tag me. I want to know what stood out to you the most. And if you want to take this deeper, I don't just talk about these ideas. I bring them into organizations, teams, and communities to ignite real transformation. If you're looking for a workshop, keynote, or event that will reshape how people think about relationships, purpose,

Starting point is 00:28:45 and personal mastery, let's connect. Head over to johnrmiles.com slash speaking to learn more. And coming up next on Passion Struck, I have a profound conversation for you. I'm sitting down with Dr. Laurie Santos, Yale professor and host of the Happiness Lab podcast, to explore the science of wellbeing, why our minds trick us into chasing the wrong things and how small shifts

Starting point is 00:29:08 in daily life create lasting happiness. You absolutely don't want to miss it. What we're trying to go for is convenience. If you're grabbing something off chat, GPT and pasting it into a dating app, it's cause you want to like reduce friction. You just want to make stuff easy, right? Real life is frictiony. Like a social connection is frictiony. Mattering is frictiony. Mattering is frictiony.

Starting point is 00:29:26 It takes work. It takes time, right? And so I think as we go towards an all too convenient society, we wind up losing some of the psychological benefits that can come from connection and mattering because we're trying to just bang things out and do it as easily as possible. Well, sometimes you have to put in some work to feel like things matter. And remember, you're not here to consume content. You're here because you're investing it as easily as possible. Well, sometimes you have to put in some work to feel like things matter. And remember, you're not here to consume content. You're here because you're investing in yourself. And that's what makes passion struck so powerful.

Starting point is 00:29:54 So take what you've learned today, apply it, and keep showing up for yourself because no one else can do that for you. And lastly, the fee for the show is simple. If you got value here, pay it forward. Leave a five-star rating. Share the episode. Post it. Text it. Whatever it takes to get this into the hands of people and families who need it most. Until next time, keep choosing the things that matter. And as always, live life passion-struck. strong.

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Passion Struck with John R. Miles - The Hidden Crisis of Family Mattering—And How to Fix It

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