Passion Struck with John R. Miles - The Mirage of Success: Why More Is Never Enough | EP 570

Starting point is 00:00:00 Coming up next on Passion Struck, you work hard, you push yourself, you do everything you're supposed to do, and yet, deep down, something still feels off. Why? Because most of us aren't chasing what sustains us. We're chasing what looks like fulfillment. But in reality, it's just a mirage. We think once we achieve the next big thing, we'll finally feel whole.

Starting point is 00:00:27 But just like a mirage in the desert, the moment we reach what we thought was our destination, the goalpost moves again. And that's why today's episode is so crucial. Because if you don't recognize the mirage, you'll spend your life running towards something that was never real in the first place. Let's get into it.

Starting point is 00:00:48 Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, Jon R. Miles. And on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week

Starting point is 00:01:17 with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become passion struck. Hey there, passion struck fam. Welcome to episode 570. I am so fired up you're here. Whether you've been with me for a while

Starting point is 00:01:39 or this is your first time, this space is about you. It's where we take on big ideas, make bold moves, and create lives that truly matter. If you weren't here earlier in the week, we had two incredible conversations. On Tuesday, I sat down with Dr. Ethan Cross, one of the world's leading experts on self-talk and the power of inner dialogue. We discussed his latest book, Shift, and how changing the way you talk to yourself can transform your life. Thursday I had an incredible conversation with Eric Zimmer, host of the One You Feed podcast.

Starting point is 00:02:12 We broke down what it really means to cultivate resilience, build better habits, and create a life aligned with your values. And today we're taking that conversation a step further. Last week I talked about something deeply personal, fighting for your soul, and the daily battle to hold on to what truly matters instead of giving it away, piece by piece, to things that don't. And today, we're exposing the biggest reason people lose that fight. Because most people don't even realize that they're chasing the wrong thing. They think they're chasing fulfillment,

Starting point is 00:02:45 but they're actually chasing the mirage of more. The high paying job that pulls you away from your family, the endless pursuit of success that leaves you feeling empty, the belief that if I just achieve one more thing, I'll finally feel fulfilled. But what if I told you what you're chasing isn't the problem? The problem is, it's never going to be enough. And today, we're exposing that illusion.

Starting point is 00:03:11 We're talking about why we keep chasing things that don't sustain us. How to recognize when you're caught in the cycle, and most importantly, how to walk away and start building a life that actually fulfills you. But before we dive in, if you're new here, welcome. Passion Struck is more than just a podcast. It's a movement. With over 570 episodes, we've built a community dedicated to unlocking human potential and creating lives of impact. But I know it can

Starting point is 00:03:37 be overwhelming to know where to start. That's why we've created episode starter packs, curated playlists designed to help you dive into topics like mindset, resilience, and leadership. You can find them at passionstruck.com slash starter packs or directly on Spotify. Want even more? Subscribe to my live intentionally newsletter at passionstruck.com. Every week I send out tips, challenges, and tools to help you crush it in every area of your life.

Starting point is 00:04:02 And if you haven't subscribed to the YouTube channel yet, what are you waiting for? Head over there for highlights, behind the scenes content, and more. Now, let's dive into today's discussion. Thank you for choosing Passionstruck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin. begin. You're lost in the desert. The sun is blazing. Your throat is parched, and every step feels heavier than the last. And then you see it. An oasis in the distance.

Starting point is 00:04:38 Water. Relief. Your body surges forward, because finally, you're about to quench your thirst. But when you arrive the water is gone. It was never real. That right there is exactly how most of us live our lives. We chase success, achievement, and validation. Believing that once we arrive we'll finally feel fulfilled. Once I get the promotion, I'll feel valued. Once I hit this salary, I'll feel secure. Once I prove this salary, I'll feel secure.

Starting point is 00:05:06 Once I prove myself, I'll finally feel like I matter. But just like a mirage, the goalposts keep moving. And this isn't just happening in our jobs. The disconnection is everywhere. In our homes, families sit in the same room, but barely speak. Each lost in their own digital world. In our schools, students feel unseen. They're worth tighter grades and test scores

Starting point is 00:05:29 rather than who they really are. In our communities, loneliness is rising, despite being more connected than ever before. In our friendships, people struggle to feel truly known, unsure if anyone would even notice if they disappeared. We're chasing something, some next level, some next achievement, thinking it will complete us. And one day we wake up and realize we built a life that looks good on the outside but

Starting point is 00:05:57 feels empty on the inside. So today I have one simple question for you. Are you chasing something real or are you just running toward a mirage? Because if you feel exhausted, disconnected, and like no matter how much you achieve, it's never enough. Today's episode is for you. So if the mirage is everywhere, if we're chasing something that never truly satisfies, why do we keep running toward it?

Starting point is 00:06:25 The reason is because we've been sold the illusion of more. For centuries, humans have told stories about seeking abundance and ending up with less. And one of the most powerful examples? The story of Moab. There's an old story about a woman named Naomi. She and her family left their home, Bethlehem, in search of more, more security, more opportunity, more prosperity. And so they set out for Moab,

Starting point is 00:06:51 a land that seemed full of promise. But Moab didn't deliver. Instead of abundance, Naomi found loss, grief, and disconnection. And eventually she turned back. She realized she had been chasing a future that looked good from a distance, but wasn't where she truly belonged. Now, whether or not you've ever heard this story before doesn't matter,

Starting point is 00:07:14 because the lesson? It's timeless. It's not just an ancient story, it's my story, and if you're really honest with yourself, it might be your story too. Maybe you've had a moment like this. You were in a great place, a job, a community, a season of life that felt stable, but something inside of you started whispering, this isn't enough.

Starting point is 00:07:37 And then out of nowhere, an opportunity appeared, a promotion, a move, a chance for more. It looked like progress, but deep down you had this gut feeling. What am I about to trade? That's exactly where I found myself. Let me take you back to a moment in my life where I stood at my own crossroads, my own Moab moment. I had everything that should have felt right. I was an executive at Lowe's, doing work that mattered. But beyond that, my family and I had built something real.

Starting point is 00:08:10 A strong community around us. A church family that gave us purpose. A neighborhood full of friends. You know, the kind where you borrow sugar from your neighbor and watch each other's kids. Our children were well adjusted, thriving in their environment. But then I hit a wall. I wasn't satisfied in my work life. I had just been told that the promotion I had been working toward for so long wasn't going to happen.

Starting point is 00:08:36 And then the opportunity came. A dream role at Dell, the kind of job that looked perfect on paper. More money, more prestige, a bigger title. It was everything I thought I wanted. But to take it, I would have to walk away from everything we had built. And at the time, I convinced myself it was worth it. But once we got there, everything changed.

Starting point is 00:09:00 We lost our strong community overnight. Our church family was gone. We had to start all over. Our children struggled to adjust. We moved to a neighborhood where houses were far apart. So far, we barely knew our neighbors. And despite all the money, the title, and the prestige, I felt completely disconnected. It didn't take long to realize I had traded meaning for a mirage. I thought I was stepping into something better, but in reality I had walked away from what actually sustained me. And that's when it hit me. Moab promises more, but it delivers less. So let me ask you this. Where is your Moab? What's the thing you're chasing that seems like it will bring you fulfillment, but is

Starting point is 00:09:49 actually pulling you away from the things that truly matter? Is it the career that looks impressive, but makes you miserable? Is it the comparison loop that keeps you feeling like you're always behind? Is it the constant busyness that makes you feel productive but leaves you emotionally drained? Because just like Naomi, you don't have to stay in Moab. The moment you recognize that you're chasing a mirage, you can choose a different path. Now maybe you're sitting there thinking, I hear you, why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep chasing something I know won't fulfill me?

Starting point is 00:10:26 Well, that's exactly what we're talking about next. Because if the mirage is everywhere, we need to ask, why do we keep falling for it? We're diving into the false promise of achievement. Why society convinces us that external success leads to happiness, and why that promise never quite delivers. Stick with me because this next part, it might just change the way you see success forever.

Starting point is 00:10:54 So if we know this, if we know that more doesn't always mean better, why do we still chase it? Why do we keep striving for the next promotion, the next title, the next level, even when we know deep down it won't fulfill us? Because we've been wired to believe the lie. The lie that achievement equals fulfillment. The lie that if we can just reach the next milestone, we'll finally feel enough. The lie that success is what makes life meaningful. But let me tell you something, that promise, it never delivers. From the moment that we're kids, we're told,

Starting point is 00:11:33 get good grades, you'll feel smart, get into a top school, you'll be set for life, land a prestigious job, you'll finally feel accomplished, make a certain amount of money, you'll finally feel accomplished. Make a certain amount of money. You'll feel secure. And so we learn that our worth is tied to what we do. But here's what happens. We achieve the thing. We feel good for a moment.

Starting point is 00:11:54 And then the goalpost moves. You get the promotion, but now you're chasing the next one. You buy the dream house, but now you need to furnish it perfectly. You hit your dream house, but now you need to furnish it perfectly. You hit your income goal, but now someone else is making more. And suddenly, it's not enough anymore. That's the trap. You never actually arrive because the bars keep moving. This isn't just something we experience as individuals, it's something we're passing down to our kids, creating a culture where nothing is ever enough.

Starting point is 00:12:26 I had the chance to interview Jennifer Wallace in episode 335. Jennifer is an award-winning journalist and author of Never Enough, When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic and What We Can Do About It. And in our interview, she put it perfectly. She said, The most surprising thing I found in my research was that when you have a child in distress, She said, rests fundamentally on a parent's resilience. And a parent's resilience, it rests on the death and nurturing of their relationships. But let's be real.

Starting point is 00:13:10 How many adults actually have deep, meaningful relationships that sustain them? Jennifer went on to say, parents spend eight, nine, 10 hours a day at work where they feel like they don't matter. They don't have a voice. They're afraid they'll be the next layoff. They're not recognized for their contributions. And then they come home completely

Starting point is 00:13:30 depleted, expected to be the first responders to their kids' distress. But how do we show up for our kids when we have nothing left to give? And here's the gut punch. We have prioritized what researchers call materialistic goals, career success, financial status, over intrinsic goals, like strong relationships and a sense of belonging. And it's failing us. This isn't just about our careers. It's about what we're modeling for the next generation. Our kids aren't learning that they matter for who they are. They're learning that their worth is contingent on their performance. They are watching us hustle, grind, sacrifice connection for success, and then we wonder why they feel lost. Jennifer's research found that young people, 18 to 30-year-olds,

Starting point is 00:14:21 describe their lives as feeling meaningless. One young man she interviewed devoted his entire childhood to getting into an Ivy League school. 18 to 30 year olds described their lives as feeling meaningless. One young man she interviewed devoted his entire childhood to getting into an Ivy League school. He got in and then he dropped out, completely burned out, because his entire identity had been built on external achievement. And when he finally arrived, he realized he had no idea who he actually was. We're raising a generation of young people who don't know themselves because we don't

Starting point is 00:14:51 give them the space to figure it out. This isn't just psychology. It's backed by the longest-running study on human happiness ever conducted, the Harvard Study of Adult Development. For 85 years, researchers tracked the lives of thousands of people from their teenage years all the way into old age to answer one question. What actually makes life fulfilling? And the answer? It wasn't wealth. It wasn't success. It wasn't status. The number one

Starting point is 00:15:21 predictor of happiness, health, and longevity was strong relationships. People with deep connections lived longer, healthier, and happier lives. Those who felt isolated and disconnected had higher rates of depression, anxiety, and even physical illness. And here's the shocking part, something I learned from Julianne Holt-Lundstedt, who is an expert in social connection and health and a professor of psychology and neuroscience. Loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That's how essential mattering is.

Starting point is 00:15:57 So why do we keep chasing external success when internal connection is what truly sustains us? Because we're conditioned to believe the lie. No matter how much you achieve, if you sacrifice what actually sustains you, it will never be enough. So now that we see the mirage for what it is, the real question becomes,

Starting point is 00:16:20 how do you know when you're caught in it? Because let's be honest, we don't always realize we're chasing something that won't sustain us. At first, it feels like progress. It feels like success. It feels necessary. Until one day, you wake up and realize you've been running full speed towards something that was never real. That's what we're talking about next.

Starting point is 00:16:41 How to recognize when you're chasing a mirage. The signs that you're stuck in the achievement trap and the gut check questions that will help you course-correct before it's too late. Because if you're caught in the cycle right now feeling exhausted, disconnected, and constantly striving, the next part is going to hit home. So how do you know if you're chasing something that looks like fulfillment but leaves you feeling empty? Here are you know if you're chasing something that looks like fulfillment but leaves you feeling empty? Here are the signs that you're chasing a mirage.

Starting point is 00:17:10 You keep saying, once I get that promotion, once I make six figures, once I prove myself, then I'll feel like I matter. I'll finally be happy, but it never comes. Another sign is, you're exhausted, but you can't stop striving. You tell yourself it's just temporary, but somehow it's been years of temporary. Another sign is your relationships are suffering, but you tell yourself it's just for now. You're not as present with your family. You barely see your friends, but you convince yourself that one day you'll get back to them. And then lastly, no matter how much you achieve, it never feels

Starting point is 00:17:50 like enough. The goalpost keeps moving. You hit your target and instead of celebrating, you just raise the bar again and again. I want you to take a deep breath. I want you to be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself these three questions. Am I pursuing what actually matters or what I've been conditioned to believe matters? Did I choose the path I'm on because it aligns with my values or did I chase it because society, my upbringing or my peers, told me it was the right thing to do. Next, I want you to ask yourself, what am I leaving behind to get to where I'm going? You should be thinking, what have I sacrificed on this path? Time with my family, my well-being, my relationships, my peace of mind?

Starting point is 00:18:37 And then lastly, is the path leading me to fulfillment or just feeding my ego? So things you could be asking yourself are, am I doing this because it brings me joy and meaning or am I just trying to prove something to myself, to others, to the world? If these questions make you feel uncomfortable, good, because that's your wake up call. If you're listening right now and your gut is telling you that you're chasing something that won't sustain you, don't ignore it. This is your sign to pause, to reassess, to pivot before the costs get too high. Because the sooner you recognize

Starting point is 00:19:12 that you're chasing a mirage, the sooner you can walk away from it. And that is exactly what we're diving into next. How to walk away from what's depleting you. How to stop running on the achievement treadmill. And how to start rebuilding your life around what actually sustains you. So now you see it, you recognize the mirage for what it is. You're aware that you've been chasing something that looks like fulfillment but leaves you feeling empty. Now comes the hard part. What do you do about it?

Starting point is 00:19:41 Because knowing the truth is one thing, but actually walking away from what's depleting you? That's the real challenge. This is where everything shifts. The first step to change? Clarity. You can't walk away from something until you name it. So I want you to ask yourself, what is your Moab?

Starting point is 00:20:01 What's the thing you're chasing that looks like success but leaves you feeling drained? What's the goal that you've been running toward, thinking it will make you happy, but deep down it never does? What's the sacrifice you keep making, telling yourself it's just for now, but in reality it's been years? Maybe for you, it's a job title that's taking everything from you but giving nothing back. Hustle culture that makes you feel like you're always behind and never enough. A toxic cycle of external validation, constantly checking likes, performance reviews, or approval from others.

Starting point is 00:20:39 Or maybe it's the pressure to prove yourself, even at the cost of your relationships and well-being. Because here's the truth, you can't fix what you won't face. to prove yourself, even at the cost of your relationships and well-being. Because here's the truth, you can't fix what you won't face. So before you can walk away, you need to name it. And once you know what's depleting you, you need to shift your focus toward what actually fills you up. And I'll tell you this, it's never the thing society tells you to chase. It's not the job title, it's not the money, it's not the recognition, it's connection.

Starting point is 00:21:07 We talked about this earlier. The Harvard study on happiness proved it. The number one predictor of long-term fulfillment is an achievement, it's relationships. People with deep, meaningful connections live longer, happier lives. Those who prioritize material success over relationships end up isolated and unfulfilled. But here's the kicker, you can't build meaningful relationships when

Starting point is 00:21:32 you're exhausted, burned out, and constantly striving. Jennifer Wallace said it best in our interview, just as children need to be loved unconditionally, adults also need to be surrounded by people who see them for who they are at their core beyond their achievements. So ask yourself who are the people who make you feel seen? Who are the people you've been neglecting because you've been too busy achieving? When was the last time you truly showed up for your family, your friendships, your community? Not just physically, but emotionally. Because that's where your fulfillment lives. Not in the next big thing, but in the relationships that remind you that you already matter.

Starting point is 00:22:11 Here's where the real work happens, because if you want to stop chasing a mirage, you have to rewire the belief system that got you here in the first place, and that starts with a mindset shift. Instead of believing success equals worth, start asking, am I building a life that looks good or one that actually feels good? Am I choosing achievement out of fear or out of alignment? What would it look like to define success on my own terms?

Starting point is 00:22:40 Because real success isn't about what you accomplish, it's about how aligned you feel when accomplishing it. It's about being present. It's about knowing your worth isn't tied to your productivity. It's about shifting from proving your value to living your value. You don't need to achieve your way to worthiness. You already matter. And when you finally internalize that, already matter, and when you finally internalize that, everything changes. So let's bring this home. You know the mirage exists. You know you've been chasing something that will never fully satisfy you.

Starting point is 00:23:14 You know what actually sustains you. And it's not achievement. So here's my challenge to you. What's one small step you can take today to start shifting? Maybe it's finally admitting what your Moab is. Maybe it's texting a friend you've neglected and saying, hey, I miss you. Maybe it's choosing to leave work on time, because your life outside of work matters too.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Because big changes start with one decision. And this is your moment. You don't have to wait until burnout, until the wakeup call, until it's too late. You can start walking away from the mirage today. This episode wasn't just about recognizing why we chase things that don't sustain us. It was about giving you the tools to walk away. And now, the choice is yours. Will you keep running toward the mirage? Or will you start shifting toward what actually sustains you? Because you are not just what you achieve.

Starting point is 00:24:12 You are who you show up for. You are the relationships you nurture. You are the impact you make on the people around you. And that's what matters most. So here's my challenge to you. What's one thing, one thing you will stop chasing today? What's one small step you will take right now toward what actually fulfills you? Because this is your life, your work, your purpose, and it's waiting for you to take action. Make the choice, take the step, start the shift, because fulfillment isn't out there in the distance.

Starting point is 00:24:51 It's right here, waiting for you to claim it. And that's a wrap on today's episode. But listen, this isn't just another podcast you tune into and forget about. You're here because you're ready to take action. You're ready to fight for what truly matters. And that fires me up. If this episode sparked something in you,

Starting point is 00:25:12 if it made you pause and rethink what you're chasing, don't let it stop here. Share this episode. Think of someone who needs to hear this. A friend, a colleague, a family member. Be the one who helps them take that first step. Then leave a five-star review. It takes 30 seconds and it helps bring this message to the people who need it most. And do you want to go even deeper? I don't

Starting point is 00:25:35 just talk about these ideas. I bring them to teams, leaders, and organizations around the world. If today's conversation hit home and you think your group could benefit, let's connect. Through keynotes, workshops, and events, I help ignite purpose, focus, and intentionality where it matters most. Head over to johnrmiles.com slash speaking to learn more. Next week, I'm sitting down with Dr. Shige Ueshi, one of the world's top researchers on human well-being.

Starting point is 00:26:03 We're diving into his new book, Life in Three Dimensions, How Curiosity, Exploration, and Experience Make a Fuller, Better Life. And trust me, this conversation is going to make you rethink the way you live. You won't want to miss it. There's nothing wrong with the William James equation.

Starting point is 00:26:20 I mean, it's really brilliant. But two ways to maximize the self-esteem. One is maximize your success, then your self-esteem is higher. But the other approach is reduce your desires. If you want a lot, then the success has to be enormous in order to get equation like high outcome. But by reducing ambitions, even your success is a little if the

Starting point is 00:26:48 desire is small then you could feel good about yourself. So here's the deal you're not just consuming content you're investing in yourself and that's what passion struck is all about. So take what you learn today apply it and keep showing up for yourself. Because no one else can do that for you. And remember the fee for the show is simple. If you got value, share it, post it, text it, email it. Get it into the hands of someone who needs it. Until next time, keep chasing the stuff that matters. Keep taking bold steps, and as always, live life passion struck.

Passion Struck with John R. Miles - The Mirage of Success: Why More Is Never Enough | EP 570

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