Passion Struck with John R. Miles - The Power of Forgiveness and 5 Important Ways to Forgive w/John R. Miles EP 208

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

In today's episode, I tackle the power of forgiveness by examining it through the lens of neuroscience and psychology. I then provide five powerful ways to forgive. If you're like most people, the thought of forgiving someone who has hurt you probably seems like the last thing you want to do on earth. This doesn't make you resentful—it just makes you human. Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://passionstruck.com/the-power-of-forgiveness-and-5-ways-to-forgive/.  Brought to you by American Giant (get 20% off using code PassionStruck at https://www.american-giant.com/). What I Discuss About the Power of Forgiveness Forgiveness is difficult because evolution has taught us to avoid being exploited by others. One of the easiest ways to prevent exploitation is by retaliating or avoiding the offender. Choosing to forgive someone who has caused you pain can free you from the harm caused by others. However, unforgiveness can tie you to your past, stealing you of peace and joy.  --► For information about advertisers and promo codes, go to: https://passionstruck.com/deals/  --► Prefer to watch this interview: https://youtu.be/dsgHPKg5qWA  Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter or Instagram handle so we can thank you personally! --► Subscribe to Our YouTube Channel Here: https://www.youtube.com/c/JohnRMiles Want to find your purpose in life? I provide my six simple steps to achieving it - passionstruck.com/5-simple-steps-to-find-your-passion-in-life/ Did you hear my interview with Dr. Marisa G. Franco, a New York Times bestselling author and psychologist who is an expert on human connection? Catch up with episode 208: Dr. Marisa G. Franco on How to Nurture True and Deep Connections. ===== FOLLOW ON THE SOCIALS ===== * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast * Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/johnrmiles.c0m  * Gear: https://www.zazzle.com/store/passion_sruck_podcast Learn more about John: https://johnrmiles.com/   

Coming up next on the Passion Struct podcast, if you're like most people, the very thought of forgiving someone who has hurt you probably seems like the last thing on earth you want to do. This doesn't make you resentful, it just makes you human. Forgiveness is difficult because evolution has taught us to avoid being exploited by others, and one of the easiest ways to avoid exploitation is to retaliate or simply avoid the offender. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt you can free you from the pain caused by others. Consequently, unforgiveness can shackle you to your past, robbing you of peace and joy. Welcome to PassionStruct. Hi, I'm your host, John Armiles, and on the show,

we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guest-ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.

Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello, and welcome back to Momentum Friday, an episode 208 of PassionStruck. And thank you to all of you who come back weekly to listen and learn, how to live better, be better, and impact the world. And if you're new to the show, thank you so much for being here, or you would like to introduce this

to a friend or family member, we know have episode starder packs on Spotify, and at passionstruck.com slash starder packs. And these are collections of our fans favorite episodes. We organize into convenient topics to give any new listener a great way to get acquainted to everything here we do on the show. In case you miss my episodes from earlier this week, they featured Jeremy Utley, who's a professor at the Stanford D-School, and we launched his new book, Idea Flow. I also had on Dr. Marissa Franco,

the New York Times bestselling author of the new book, Latonic. I also wanted to acknowledge our fan of the week, Lorraine Bravo, who writes, great podcast discovery. I discovered this podcast through John's guest appearance on the Think Unbroken podcast with Michael Unbroken. And I have been pleasantly surprised by the content here.

Great insights from various guests who are experts in their areas and topics on a large variety of interests. Officially following, it is a vital one to have in your mix. Lorraine, thank you so much for that review. They go such a long way in helping us improve the popularity of the show, growing our community, and increasing our ranking on Apple Podcasts. Thank you to all of you who give us ratings and reviews weekly. I know our guests appreciate the feedback so much as well. Now let's talk about today's episode.

We all make missteps. It's part of human nature. And seeing, as no one is perfect, we've all likely been wronged at different points of our lives. These offenses can leave lasting impacts, therefore it can be tough to say and truly mean the words I forgive you. Choosing to forgive is not straightforward because of the internal conflict between the moral values of justice and forgiveness. The granting of forgiveness is at odds with the desire for justice,

and this cognitive dissonance makes forgiving challenging. Generally, psychology defines forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance to a person or group who has harmed you, whether or not they actually deserve your forgiveness. According to Wikipedia, forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process of changing feelings and attitudes towards the offender, and then overcoming the offences impact, including negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance. However justified it may be, it is an essential virtue to put into practice if we desire wholesome and intentional lives. In today's episode, I will be diving deep into the topic of forgiveness and exploring it through behavioral and

neuroscience. I will enlighten you on the need to forgive and show five practical steps you can use to increase your capacity to forgive. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin. The Forgiveness Project tells the stories of the people who have been hurt and offended by others, parents, friends, family members, and strangers alike who have learned how to forgive. A few that shared their stories include Charlie Reiter, who was physically invariably abused

by his father as a child, Paul Kohler, who was savagely attacked in his own house. Simon Wilson, who was the victim of a hit-and-run car crash that left him disabled. And Ann Marie Hagen's father was brutally murdered by Scott's a Frantic neighbor. All these people struggled with forgiving their offenders. And in the case of being the offenders, forgiving themselves, but through the project's intervention,

they've come to accept that they needed forgiveness at different points. For each, the journey towards forgiveness didn't come easy, as they experienced varying emotions from anger, to rage, to sadness, bitterness, self-pity, seeking revenge, to fear, and so on. And only some have made it to that exact place of wholeness through forgiveness. Individually, we can all relate the times when we've felt that we've been offended, whether in seemingly little ways, like someone cutting the line in front of us, or grievous ways, like someone causing physical harm to a loved one or us.

In these everyday cases, forgiving the offender can be very difficult, but it can be done. So now let's explore the neuropsychology of forgiveness. For a very long time, forgiveness was viewed through the disciplines of religion and philosophy. But now it is being scientifically studied. Researchers recently discovered a link between forgiveness and the brain's structural and metabolic features. While the brain's structure in relation to forgiveness is intriguing, the brain's metabolic function and how it pertains to forgiveness provides an entirely new level of comprehension. A 2013 study employed functional magnetic resonance imaging FMRI

to examine the cortical effective connectivity and regional brain activity related to forgiveness and unforgiveness. Volunteers were asked to either forgive their imaginary attacker, stoke animosity, and or imagine revenge, after engaging inscripted mental imagery of personal transgression. A study found that forgiveness was associated with positive emotional states, compared to unforgiveness. Forgiveness was linked with activations in the brain network involved in empathy and controlling mood through cognition. The different brain structures linked to a

prospensity to forgive raises the possibility that forgiveness is a personality characteristic that people are born with. Furthermore, the tendency to forgive is correlated with changes in metabolic brain activity, which suggests that this attribute may change throughout a person's lifetime and can be directly influenced by varying life experiences with people. Whichever the case may be, forgiveness is an attribute that can be learned. As proven in the research of Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University

and the author of Forgive for Good, Professor Robert N. Wright, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, and a pioneer in the study of forgiveness, emphasizes that forgiveness is more than just letting go or moving on. He says true forgiveness goes a step further by offering something positive, empathy, compassion, understanding towards the person who hurt you. That element makes forgiveness a virtue and a powerful construct and positive psychology. So why is it so hard for us to forgive? Saying I forgive you and meaning it are two entirely different things. When we are hurt by someone, it can cause anger, hurt, and confusion. When you dwell on painful events or situations, resentment,

vengeance, and hate can take root. This is further complicated by additional factors, which include the level of pain the offense causes, the unrepentance of the offender, the offender, and the offender's relationship, the fear that others will perceive you as being weak, as well as the fear of being hurt again. Considering all these factors, people are more inclined to harbor agreements and refuse to forgive the person or people who cause the grudge, but even if you're a grudge holder, you can learn to be more forgiven. So why do we need to forgive? We are all imperfect people with individual shortcomings. I often hear the quote, people who hurt or others. The wounds from an offense can leave you with feelings

of bitterness, anger, as well as vengeance, all negative emotions that can hurt you more. Experts concur that true forgiveness entails the letting go of strongly held negative feelings, even though some disagree over whether it necessitates favorable thoughts towards the offender. This allows you to acknowledge the hurt that you've been through without it defining who you are, allowing you to heal and move on in your life. But you need to realize that if you don't put forgiveness into action, you are most likely the one who will suffer the most. You must learn to forgive and let go of the bitterness

for your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In a nutshell, giving forgiveness does the following. It enables healthier relationships. It improves mental health. It reduces anxiety, stress, and hostility. It improves physical health, self-esteem, and so many other things. So now that we've gone through why people resent

forgiving and why we need to forgive, let's go through five ways that you can increase your capacity to forgive. Experts who research or teach forgiveness make it quite clear that doing so does not minimize or downplay the gravity of an offense committed against you. Forgiveness does not imply forgetting, nor does it excuse or justify wrongdoing. So it is normal for you to get angry and harbor resentment for the offender. While forgiving someone helps mend a broken relationship, it doesn't compel you to absolve them

of the responsibility for their actions. Forgiveness is not a quick and easy thing to do. It's a process with many steps that often occur non-linearly. However, as difficult as it is, forgiveness is well worth the effort. The following are five practical steps that you can employ to increase your capacity to forgive. First, acknowledge the pain that you feel and express your emotions in healthy ways. The first step to forgiving someone is to accept the death of the hurt that they have caused you. Don't pretend that you're not hurt or try to just numb the pain. If you do this, you simply won't be able to address the harm that they've

caused. And no matter how free you might try to convince yourself that you are, you will still hold the baggage of the hurt somewhere within you. You simply can't wish it away. You have to come to terms with the reality of what happened. After fully acknowledging the death of your hurt and expressing your pain in healthy ways, as I talked about in a previous episode, you can properly begin the journey to truly forgiving your offender. Second, be empathetic and understanding. Scientists have investigated the neurological processes that are involved in forgiveness.

They have found that when people correctly picture forgiving someone in a hypothetical setting, their neural pathways for empathy become more active. This demonstrates how empathy and forgiveness are related, and it is a crucial step in the process of forgiving someone. Recognizing the wrongdoers' humanity and the need to show kindness, compassion, and love despite their actions is what forgiveness is all about. They don't have to deserve it for you to forgive

because in some cases, the offender might not even be remorseful for their actions, but forgiving them will loosen the grip that they hold on you. Forgiveness is simply a gift. You give to them and ultimately to yourself. Third, change your perception. Perspective is everything. For it determines the realities of life. In a previous episode that I did on changing your perspectives for the better, I broadly

discussed the impact that your perception has on your reality. Situations are simply what they are, but how you perceive them and their impact is something that only you get to choose. By changing how you view a harm that was done to you, you can find meaning in the pain. You could use your story to heal someone else or by forgiving the offender unconditionally, help that offender

change for good. Don't let your pain go to waste, channel it into something positive, and you will gain the strength that you need to let go of the offence. Fourth, focus on your future. Speaker, coach, and author, Tony Robbins said, where focus goes, energy flows. What you keep your attention on is the very thing that will get most of your energy and shape your reality.

If you focus on harmful situations, you will continue to relive them and end up even more bitter, sad, frustrated, and angry. The only way to move beyond your pain is to keep your attention on the future. I am not saying that you have to forget an offense that was committed against you. My emphasis here is on shifting your attention

from that memory to positive thoughts about the future. The past is simply the past, and you can either permit it to linger or choose to move forward. Make your mind up today to keep your eyes fixed on what is ahead and let go of your limiting past. And fifth, seek support. As I earlier said, for giving someone can be a really difficult thing to do. And there are times when you might need support and encouragement from others.

You don't have to go it alone on this journey. You can use the assistance of other people who have been on similar journeys and are more knowledgeable on how to go about it. Talk to someone who you've discovered is compassionate, such as a person from your local church, a mental health professional, a loved one or a friend, who you can trust to be objective

and understanding of your particular situation. You can also consider counseling or joining a support group, which ever way, just make sure that you find support and help when you realize that you need it. When discussing the topic of forgiveness, we often focus on the forgiveness that one person gives to another.

But a vital aspect of forgiveness that is less talked about is self-forgiveness. There are times when we all find ourselves doing things that we are not proud of and where we have hurt others. It is normal to feel regret guilt and shame, but we mustn't remain in that state. Most of us struggle to forgive ourselves and oftentimes begin to self-love. This hatred of oneself could lead to physical harm over eating, over sleeping, abusing alcohol or drugs and other self-punishing behavior. Therefore, you must acknowledge this reality and take conscious steps towards forgiving yourself. Reflect on what you did, be remorseful for it, make amends to the person

that you've hurt, and renew yourself to engage in more positive and kind behaviors. When you do this, you can genuinely forgive yourself and get all the attached benefits to your physical, emotional, spiritual, and overall well-being. So I've covered a lot today, so let me sum this up. After former South African president Nelson Mandela was released from prison having served for 27 years for his role in fighting for the rights and equality of abused people. He said, as I walked out the door towards the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind I would still be in prison. Mandela knew that choosing not to forgive

would keep him stuck in the past and prevent him from moving forward. What happened to him was out of his control, but his response and the forgiveness that he showed was within his control. Understandably, most of us don't want to have to forgive because it brings back the pain and makes us confront our scars. But if we desire an intentional life, it requires that we forgive. We can only find healing, peace, and the freedom to carry on living an intentional life if we

forgive one another and ourselves. Forgiving someone else or yourself will undoubtedly take time, but make sure that you continue on on this journey until you are able to reach that point of forgiveness, no matter how hard it may seem to be. No offense is too grievous to forgive, and there is no time when it is too late to forgive. You can even still forgive someone who is not alive. Make a conscious decision to forgive today and step into the wholeness that is awaiting you. I hope that you all enjoyed that show and I want to thank everyone

who wrote in this week. And of course, everyone who listened to today's episode, thank you so much. A link to the transcript will be in the show notes. Videos are on YouTube at John R. Miles. Please go there, subscribe, and check out the over 400 videos and exclusive content that we have only on YouTube. Advertiser deals and discount codes are in one convenient place at passionstruck.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support this show and make it free for our listeners. I'm at John R. Miles at both Instagram and Twitter, and you can also find me on LinkedIn. You're about to hear a preview of a very special passion strike podcast that I did with Robin Sharma, who is a multiple time, number one, New York Times best

selling author, one of the top five most impactful performance coaches in the world and a highly regarded speaker. And we discuss his new book, the Everyday Hero manifesto. The everyday hero manifesto is a manifesto or a manual to help people who might be feeling stuck, let go of victimhood and show leadership and be productive and be creative and make those micro pieces of progress that over time lead to a tsunami of change. Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share this show with those that you love and care about. And if you found today's episode useful, please share it with someone else who can use my advice that I gave today on forgiveness.

In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. And until next time, live life-ash and struck.