Passion Struck with John R. Miles - Tinx on How You Use Small Mindset Shifts for Happiness EP 298

Episode Date: May 26, 2023

Get ready for an empowering episode of the Passion Struck podcast as Tinx takes center stage, sharing her transformative journey to self-esteem, revealing the profound impact of perspective shifts, and emphasizing the significance of living life with unwavering integrity. Brace yourself for a heartfelt conversation that will ignite your inner fire and fuel your personal growth and ignite your passion for a life of authenticity and fulfillment. Tinx is the author of The Shift: Change Your Perspective, Not Yourself.  Unleash Your True Potential with Tinx: Small Mindset Shifts for Happiness Are you tired of trying to improve your self-esteem and relationships with no success? Have you been following ineffective advice and still feeling the pain of low self-worth and lonely nights? In this episode, we'll show you the real solutions to transforming your mindset, navigating the dating landscape, and fostering authentic connections. Join Tinx and me and finally achieve the growth and happiness you deserve. Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://passionstruck.com/tinx-on-small-mindset-shifts-for-happiness/  Brought to you by Fabric. Go to Apply today in just 10 minutes at https://meetfabric.com/passion. Brought to you by Hello Fresh. Use code passion16 to get 16 free meals, plus free shipping!” Brought to you by Indeed. Head to https://www.indeed.com/passionstruck, where you can receive a $75 credit to attract, interview, and hire in one place. --► For information about advertisers and promo codes, go to: https://passionstruck.com/deals/  Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter or Instagram handle so we can thank you personally! --► Prefer to watch this interview: https://youtu.be/YMcl-MtuUdk  --► Subscribe to Our YouTube Channel Here: https://youtu.be/QYehiUuX7zs  Want to find your purpose in life? I provide my six simple steps to achieving it - passionstruck.com/5-simple-steps-to-find-your-passion-in-life/ Catch my interview with Marshall Goldsmith on How You Create an Earned Life: https://passionstruck.com/marshall-goldsmith-create-your-earned-life/  Watch the solo episode I did on the topic of Chronic Loneliness: https://youtu.be/aFDRk0kcM40  Want to hear my best interviews from 2022? Check out episode 233 on intentional greatness and episode 234 on intentional behavior change. ===== FOLLOW ON THE SOCIALS ===== * Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/passion_struck_podcast * Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/johnrmiles.c0m  Learn more about John: https://johnrmiles.com/  Passion Struck is now on the AMFM247 broadcasting network every Monday and Friday from 5–6 PM. Step 1: Go to TuneIn, Apple Music (or any other app, mobile or computer) Step 2: Search for “AMFM247” Network

coming up next on Passion struck. My book is really a guidebook for self esteem and the way that I suggest that the readers get there is by small mindset chips. I really believe. Everything in life is about perspective. And when I started shifting my perspective and instead of feeling like a victim and instead of feeling sorry for myself instead of comparing my life to others. That is when not only my life started to go well, but also I became a lot happier. Welcome to PassionStruck. Hi, I'm your host, John Armiles. And on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance

of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guest-ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.

Now, let's go out there and become PassionStruck. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to episode 298 of PassionStruck, ranked by Apple is one of the top 20 health podcasts. And thank you to each and every one of you to come back weekly to listen and learn, how to live better, be better, and impact the world. In the case you didn't know it,

PassionStruck is now on syndicated radio. Every Monday and Friday from 5 to 6 p.m. on the AMFM 247 National Broadcast, links will be in the show notes. Earlier this week, in case you missed it, I had two incredible guests. The first was Peter Singer, with a New Yorker called the Greatest Living Philosopher in the World. We discuss his pinnacle work, Animal Liberation Now, which is an updated version of his book which is transformed and ignited the animal rights movement. I also interviewed Ronnie Purenec, who is the CFO for Worldwide Oilfield Machines and the author of the new book Seven Ladders to My Daughters. Please check them both out and if you loved either of

them or today's episode, we would so appreciate a five star rating in review because they go such a long way in bringing more people into the passion start community where we can teach them how to live a limitless life, give hope, meaning, connection, and inspiration. Now let's talk about today's episode, prepare yourself for a transformative journey

towards fulfillment and happiness. My guest today is Christina Najar, better known as Tynx. And she is here to guide you on a new perspective towards life, love, happiness, and friendships. We discuss her brand new book, The Shift, which launched earlier this week, where Tynx compiles her revolutionary insights and personal antidotes into a comprehensive guide. She provides simple mindset shifts that will revolutionize your approach to decision-making and relationships. Drawing on our own experience both the good and the bad, Tynx helps you to navigate your path to self-empowerment, as well as recognizing your own value.

Some say you must learn to love yourself before loving another, and Tynx will show you how to achieve both simultaneously, all while keeping you amused with her infectious humor. In this episode, you will learn how to overcome a scarcity mindset, apply and understand Heronown Box Theory dating concept, how to nurture the things that bring you happiness and fulfillment, how to harness the transformative power of therapy, how to end relationships with grace and dignity, and how recognizing your worth enhances your role as a friend and a partner. Tinks, a multifaceted personality, as a lifestyle creator, advice expert, and podcast host

has become a resounding voice for women. Her engaging and empathetic approach to content has struck a cord with millions of individuals. Whether she's delivering satirical rich mom content, sharing her perspectives on pop culture, exploring theories about sex and relationships or providing honest reviews about food, restaurants, beauty, and fashion, Tynx effortlessly captures the essence of cultural zeitgeist.

In 2022, Tynx expanded her reach by launching a podcast and live call-in radio show called It's Me, Tynx, in collaboration with Sirius XM. Get ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment with Tynx as your trusted companion. Thank you for choosing PassionStark and choosing me to be your host and guide in your journey to creating an intentional life now. Let that journey begin. I am so humbled and honored to have the one and only Tynx on PassionStark. Welcome, Tynx. Thank you so much of so glad to be here well we're talking to each other from opposite sides of the country year in LA

and i'm on the Tampa Bay side but i heard you were here not too recently and in st. Pete for over a decade now we have one of the indie races here. It actually is the inaugural one that starts out their host season and absolutely love it. It's one of my favorite events of the year, but I have always wanted to get to a Formula 1 race and I understand you just got that experience down to Miami. Yeah, I went to my first F1 race in Miami, which was so cool. It was such an amazing experience. I'm a big F1 fan and I'm actually an honorary Florida girl. I grew up coming to Florida every summer. I would spend two months living with my grandparents, actually, in Naples.

So I know about publics. I know about all the good Florida things. So do consider myself an honorary Floridian. What do you have a favorite F1 driver? Probably Daniel Ricardo. He's everyone's favorite, but Checo is up there too. I am a Red Bull fan for life. I like the Red Bull guys. I'm wondering if Danny will get back in a seat. He's going to be tough with Max and Checo. Listen, not much room for improvement with those two. So it'll be interesting to see what happens with Danny, but yeah, Red Bull is absolutely killing it right now. And they're such a wonderful team. So proud of them.

Yeah, it's interesting how fast teams climb and how quickly they move down. I thought Mercedes would have a few more good years in a month. I know. So did I. It's definitely look obviously Lewis Hamilton isn't hard on the IZs either, but and he's such a talented racer. But yeah, I think that's part of the reason it's such an exciting sport is that it does move very quickly more ways than one. Well, I understand, although you said you spent time in the States and you were born here that you grew up in London and that you attended in all girls school. How did that influence your formative years and lead you on the path to becoming a lifestyle creator and podcast host? I really think it had a lot to do with it. I loved going to an all girl school. Maybe the time my mom or here, she'd probably roll her eyes and

say, you were complaining the whole time, there was no boys around when you were in school. But now looking back, I see how critical it was for making me who I am today. I think that what really shaped me the most from that experience is just the power of female friendships, the power of women working together and helping one another and sharing information. And that's essentially what my platform is based on

is the idea of women go further if they share information and I really learned that from an early age at my all-girls school. And then when I went to college I was lived in my sorority house, was president of my sorority like I really believe in the power of having a good group of girlfriends. So I'm so glad that I went to an all-girls school. Yes, while I've spent my fair share of time around the London area, fun place to live and be around. I miss the tavern type of life that they have that we don't have anything here that's I think quite like that neighborhood effect that they have. Exactly. Yeah, the pub culture is really something. I love the way that they socialize in England. I think it's a lot more relaxed. It's much more integrated into everyday life. I think here in the States, we have a very weak work week weekend life and it's very segregated.

And I don't really think that's good. And I think it causes burnout, but in the UK, it's much more likely, oh, it's a Monday night. No problem. You're going to go for dinner with your friends and it just creates a better work life balance. So I really do miss that aspect of life. Well, as I was preparing for today's episode, I happen to catch you on Gabby Bernstein's podcast. I love Gabby. She's amazing. I love her as well and I have been trying to manifest getting her on this podcast for so long, but she is so busy, but she just so happens to be coming to Tampa this weekend to do a keynote speech, and I was trying to will everything to try to make it happen that I could interview her in person, but unfortunately it just wasn't in the cards, but how did you end up meeting her?

So I have been a student of Gabby's for a while. I've read many of her books and just followed her. She's an amazing teacher. She's an amazing person and source for good in this world. When I started to gain traction in my online following, I was lucky enough to connect with her on Instagram. And then eventually I was on her podcast and able to meet her and she's just a fantastic person and I'm lucky to know her. I understand right about the time that you were reading one of her books was when you decided to make a major move to LA make that career change. major move to LA make that career change. I had just finished grad school in New York and I really missed California. I knew I wanted to move back. I didn't totally know what I was going to do and I moved to LA and I was definitely very

lost and just having a hard time and I have a very vivid memory of driving to Long Beach for this convention that I was going to for one of these companies that I was consulting for and when I say consulting, I just mean basically working week to week like they didn't know they were going to pay me the next week kind of thing. So I was really lost and I remember I was listening to super attractor on audio book and I really felt so much of Gabby's presence and her messaging and it really helped me be okay in that moment of uncertainty and just really helped me feel like okay even though there's no plan right now it's okay and I need to keep work moving forward and following my curiosity and sure enough it worked so I really always think about that and I reread that book from time to time it's such a good one. I really always think about that and I reread that book from time to time. It's such a good one. Well, about the same time you ended up starting this new career a few months

later as when I started passion struck. And so it's interesting for me to observe what's transpired for both of us over the past three years. And if I understand a correct, you made your first TikTok on May 1st, 2020 or around that date. Yeah, so right in the smack in the middle of the pandemic, that's when I started. I think a lot of us picked up new hobbies in the pandemic. And I was just so lucky that I was able to turn mine into a career. What made you want to do that?

And how did you go about initially doing it? Because I'll tell you when I first started posting on Instagram and Facebook, it's a little bit intimidating to put yourself out there. I was at the point where I thought that it was the end of the world. I really thought, maybe this is it. This is how we all go. And so I thought, I don't really care about judgment anymore. If I get no like sir comments, literally what why should I care the world is ending like I wasn't with my family, I wasn't with any friends, I was isolating alone and I was definitely going a little stir crazy. And it was in that moment that I just stopped

fearing judgment and it really pushed me to just go for it. And I think it's an important lesson to remember that like we really should always be acting like that. We really should always be acting on our instincts and our curiosity and really just digging in when we feel the urge to do something and not fear judgment because the fear of judgment holds us back so much in life. And if you could just push through that like there's something on TikTok, I don't know, we talk about cringe mountain, not my concept, but I heard it on TikTok. And it's like everything you want is just over the other side of cringe mountain. And people don't do things they think, oh, that's embarrassing. I'm not going to try that. It's scary. People might laugh at me. And everything you want, your life that you desire that you see in your mind's eyes,

just over the other side of cringe mountain. And I know for me, that's true. I do a lot of things where I'm like, oh, I'm worried people are going to laugh at me. And it's only embarrassing until you do it. Right. And so I try to really keep that less in top of mine. So I don't want to leave TikTok without asking you this question because I'm sure a lot of the listeners might want to know. And that is, do you have any advice on what the keys are to making something on Tiktok go viral? I think that TikTok is really tricky. The algorithm is very mysterious and it can be very frustrating for new creators. My advice would be consistent because it is a numbers game. Don't just post ones, get disheartened, oh, you didn't go viral, don't post again for three weeks,

and then try again. Set a limit with yourself, say, okay, I'm going to post every day for three weeks and see what happens. And sure enough, I'm sure something in there will go viral. The other thing I would say is try not to think about what people want to see and try to create the content that you want to see, which sounds counterintuitive, but I've always found that with that as my North Star, I can be very productive and effective, because people can tell when you're creating, because you want to go viral, or when you're creating,

because you just feel the authentic urge to create. Okay, and a concept that I read about in your book, which I'll put up here now, it's called The Shift by Tanks. And it is available as of Tuesday this week that this episode comes out. So congratulations on its release. Thank you. But what I was going to ask you is something caught my eye when I was reading it.

And that is people who gain fame, you say go through the purple machine. And I was hoping you could describe what the purple machine is. Yeah, I don't know if it's a concept or it's like this visualization kind of think of when I see people who start becoming famous online and then at first they look just like you. You feel like it's one of you, you're just like your friend or someone because they started in their own living room and you started following them. They had an apartment like you. And then all of a sudden, they go through this like magical machine for some reason.

I imagine that it's a big purple machine. And they come out and their hair is better. Their skin is better. They have better makeup, better clothes. They have a better car. They just look a little more sparkly. They have that celebrity sheen on them. And I just

always think it's interesting to see when people go through it. And sometimes I ask my followers, like, Oh, do you think I've been through the purple machine? Some of them think I have, but I don't think I have yet. Well, I can see what you mean because it's, let's just take Jay Shetty for an example. Right. As if something just transformed and all of a sudden, he is just, wow. He is. Wow. He's an amazing person. I'm so happy for all his success. He's such a force for good in this world.

But yeah, he's definitely the shikest monk around. Well, I think a great place for us to start talking about your book is to go into what exactly is the shift. My book is really a guidebook for self esteem and the way that I suggest that the readers get there is by small mindset shifts. I really believe everything in life is about perspective. And when I started shifting my perspective, and instead of feeling like a victim, and instead of feeling sorry for myself, instead of comparing my life to others, that is when not only my life started to go well, but also I became a lot happier.

And it's way easier than you think. People think, oh my God, how can I raise my happiness? Like, how can I change my life? If you just start looking for small perspective shifts, you will be so surprised at how quickly you feel better, you feel lighter, you feel more energized and you feel more focused on your goals. So an example of a shift would be instead of why is this happening to me? Like instead of having that thought in your mind, say, everything is happening for me. And all that means is, whatever is happening to you, let's say,

it's like you didn't get a job. You will have a time in your life when you look back and say, thank God, I didn't get that job. And then two weeks later, I got this other job, which is so much better, more money, better location, whatever. And you'll look back and think, that's why I didn't get that job. And so it's just these little perspective shifts that really help open your eyes. And it's just a way of life that I've adopted that really helps me. Yeah, it's something that I talk about a lot on this show is the power of

perspective. And one of my favorite ways to observe this is I have several friends including a college classmate close friend of mine, who are astronauts. And they talk about this thing called the overview effect, which is when they're up there looking down, they start seeing how tiny we are in the cosmos and how those things, like you talked about being from New York. I remember Chris was saying at one point, he was flying over New York. I remember Chris was saying at one point he was flying over New York and he was just looking down thinking about all the people who were in traffic and how much angst and anger and other things they have. And when you view it from up here,

you don't realize the insignificance of moments like that compared to how we should be viewing it. like that compared to how we should be viewing it. And another thing I talk about a lot is, you talk about these perspective shifts, I call it the microchois that we make on a daily basis because those choices is what ends up either taking us to our synonymy of greatness or in the opposite direction. Exactly, exactly. I really couldn't have said it better myself.

It's like those small choices add up to big life changes. I love the mantra, chips make chunks. That's what I always think about too. One of the things I loved about the message of your book was that you said when it comes to the way that we often live, we waste precious years of our life looking outward during times when we should be really looking inward. And I just did a solo episode on why it's so important to know yourself. And I think it's something, especially now

in this digital age, that people are really struggling with. And so I was glad you highlighted it. Yeah, look, social media is great for a lot of reasons, but I also think that we feel this need to always be externally proving things, but really as so well, like it starts from within, it starts from knowing yourself. And you can't, that's an area, area of your life, your friendships, your romantic relationships, and so on. If you don't know who you are and what you want

and how to actually fill up your own cup first, you probably aren't gonna have a lot of success with the other areas of your life, because how can you? And I think that in your 20s, it's really hard because you, we, your 20s are marketed as this like amazing decade where you should have everything figured out. And like, you need to have an amazing job and made amazing boyfriend, like all these friends. And oftentimes it's really scary.

So what do I suggest? I suggest that instead of trying to validate yourself by external markers, whatever they may be, turn inwards, start thinking about, okay, who are the people who I hang around with, who make me feel good? What aspects of my job do I like? Do I not like? Because in your 20s, you're probably not going to like your first job and that is more than okay. When you go on dates, like, don't think, oh my God, does he like me?

Does he like me? Do I like him? What did I learn about myself on this date? And really, really turn inward and that will make you a happier person, a better partner eventually, better friend, it goes on. Well, I recently interviewed a professor at Stanford, his business school name, Brian Lowry, who is one of the biggest experts in the world

on the study of self. And he just came out in March with a book called Selfless, The Social Creation of You. And in it, he has a quote that I really love. And he says, you know that you are you. A bundle of experiences, wants and needs, actions taken and avoided, all made coherent because they flow from a single source, you. And in shift, you're right in part three, that in some point, you have to realize that you're all you've got. Why is that such an important thing that we really

need to understand and especially at a younger age? I think because it forces you to live in integrity. And that's so important to me. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much money you have, no matter who your friends with, your friends with like really cool celebrities or whatever, no matter if you have the hottest boyfriend, whatever, we come into this world the same way we go out alone. And some people find that it's scary thought, but I don't find it scary at all. I find it empowering. That reminder causes me to think, I need to live every day in integrity. And that means being authentic to myself. And I need to be okay with myself. And I need to be my own best friend.

Because at the end of the day, no one is going to give you confidence. No one is going to bestow self-love upon you. That's not something you can buy. It's not something you can get from another person. You have to give it to yourself. And I think that that's actually really amazing. Well, I just had an interview that I released with Dr. Marshall Goldsmith. I'm not sure if you're familiar with him. He has been rated for almost 10 years in a row, the number one executive coach in the world. And he has coached the CEOs of Pfizer, GlaxoSmisKine, Boeing, Pepsi, name it. And he recently came out with a book called The Earned Life. And in it, he says that so many of us are living, what he calls the Great Western Disease,

is that we want to believe that it's success and material things that bring us happiness. And his whole point is that it's finding something meaningful in life that gets you to exert your passions in a direction that helps society is what's really going to bring happiness. Do you find that to be true? I completely agree with that. And what's interesting because as I've had more success, like yes, of course money is nice and it's nice to be able to buy a house and treat my friends,

but money has actually become such a different thing for me. I've always thought when I was little, oh, if I ever make money, I'm gonna have like a thousand handbags and so many dresses and all that stuff. And now I realize that the main source of happiness in my life is my job and my work with my community. I value getting a note from one of my listeners saying, wow, you really helped me get out of a toxic relationship.

I value that a thousand times more than I would ever value a material thing. And I feel lucky to have a job that I'm so passionate about and that I feel like I'm going to do for the rest of my life because it fulfills me so much. I feel very lucky to have that. Well, so many people today were early practice introspection and someone may be listening to this and thinking, this is tanks, she's got all the stuff going on in her life. She's, her schedule is just completely full. How does she find time for introspection?

And what I wanted to ask you, are there ways that you have learned to incorporate spending quality time alone? Yeah, I think it's very important to, I really believe in spending time alone and being happy alone because, look, I get it. I'm a very social person. I like to have people around me all the time too, but you need to be okay with being alone because for me, that's when I have my best ideas. It's when I recharge and I love to carve out. call it plug in the wall time like I imagine that I'm a phone And I need to be plugged into the wall to gain battery and you can take yourself on a date

You can go to a spa you can just relax for me I just like to relax my house and read and that makes me feel so good and so happy I just relax with my pets and it just really makes me feel Recharged just relax with my pets and it just really makes me feel recharged. Yeah, and I feel the same way. And it's something I found when I was in my bigger corporate career that I didn't really spend time doing. And it was a huge mistake because when you don't spend that

quality time, what happened to me is I became emotionally bankrupt because if you want to love and support and be kind to others, if you're not devoting that time to doing the same thing for yourself, you're never gonna be able to do it for anyone else. That's exactly right. You have to fill up your ear, the example like you have to put on your own air mask

on an airplane before you put on someone else's and it's so true in life. You can't help others if you're feeling exhausted, tired, emotionally or physically, and that's why it's so crucial to rest. Well, I wanted to just ask you a question or two on creativity. Yeah, because you and I are both creators in our own ways. And I've done a number of solo episodes recently on the importance of creativity.

And something that I picked up out of the book was you have a saying pulling creativity out of chaos. Can you explain what that means? Yeah, I think that sometimes when you're going through a hard time, it can feel like, wow, what's the shift here? There's no good shift. I'm like really going through a hard time, whether it's circumstantial or you're just feeling depressed.

But for me, when I look back, every time that I have been in a really bad way has actually been a very creative time. And I think it's because we're our most stripped down when we're feeling bad and we're raw. And so one shift I offer is that if you are having a tough time, really allow yourself to be open in the possibility that you're at your most creative, that you might be having the best ideas that you have ever had, that inspiration is coming and so on. And I just think that when you look at all the great artists, like think about some of the greatest albums ever written, they were written when those people were heartbroken. Now it's not nice to be heartbroken, but it happens and it's all about finding the shift and the positive and the like, what can you learn from this?

And sometimes it's like a big bout of creativity. I'll just mention your Gabby interview again that you two really covered in that was learning how to grow out of hardship, out of trauma, out of the negative experiences in your life. And I think it is so hard of times to be in those negative experiences. Yeah. But they really define us. They define us exactly because your character is who you are when you're not doing well. Like it's easy to be a good person when everything is going well, and things are great and there's no problems. But when you stumble and fall,

those are the moments where your true character shines through. I'm gonna switch directions here for the audience who's listening. I went into the third part of her book first, and now I'm going to go back into the first couple sections of it, which is looking at self esteem through your relationships with others and dating as well. And I understand from reading that you spent a lot of your college years and the decade that followed really exploring yourself dating as most of us do in our 20s. How did you learn through that experience, not to lose yourself in the pursuit of at that time trying to find value in things that I don't think brought you value?

I did lose myself for a while and that's why I'm so keen on getting the message of my book out there. I think I felt like I would only be cool or I would only be able to validate myself if I had a boyfriend and that's what would really make me a legitimate person. And I think it's so important for everyone, but especially young women too, in those moments, turn inwards, and dating is fun and great, and everyone should do it, but you can't base your value or your happiness on how a date with a random person goes,

because that will be an endless fruitless pursuit. Well, I have a funny story. I have a friend in town who the Tampa Bay business journal put them on the front page with a headline that read the most eligible bachelor in Tampa Bay. And I remember over the next year to year and a half, I think he told me he went on over 2,000 different dates. Oh my God, how did he have the time?

That's crazy. He said he would do five to six a night at times. Most of them only lasted 15 minutes because he told me he got it down to 15 minutes. It was all he needed to understand whether. That is wild. And the interesting thing is out of the 2000 dates, he went through, he didn't end up with any one of them. The woman he ended up marrying the first

time they met at a hockey game ended up despising him and wanted nothing to do with them. And a few years later, she was attracted to him and I asked him what was the change? And he said, what I learned from this and it's something he wrote in the book is that the goal of dating wasn't for me to end up in a relationship. The goal was for me to know myself and what I wanted. I completely agree with him. And that's really what I say in the book is that some people have a very specific way of dating. They view everything like an interview and they think, okay, does this guy have a good job? Does he have, is he brown hair? All these things that I want. I don't personally think

that's an effective way to date. I think that makes it very stressful. And I think that it doesn't actually have the best outcome. For me, dating is a way to get to know yourself. And then when the right person does come along, you'll know. Yeah, and what is your advice on how you use dating, discover what you like and don't like, and especially to not let the destination over a power of the journey? What is my advice there? I would say you have to have fun. I think that dating is so stressful for so many people and I feel really badly about that because it shouldn't be. It should be lighthearted and joyful and it should be like a good experience. But again, I think this pressure to find the one causes people to feel like every date is this binary outcome where it's like if they don't become your

boyfriend, it's a bad date and that just couldn't be further from the truth. A bad date is where you learn nothing about yourself. And I think that's such an important mindset ship that I really hope people take away from the book. Well, I'm sure it's difficult to feel that way in the moment that the bad date is happening and you're probably. Yes. Yes. Wishing you were anywhere, but right there. Of course. But I think it says you look at that and you look at different experiences that you've had, you'll probably find a pattern that emerges. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

So what's your thoughts on dating apps? Do you think they're a tool or do you think they're more in activity? I think that dating apps are a tool. I always say to my community, put your dating apps next to your Uber, your postmates, and it's not next to your TikTok or your Instagram. I think that in modern dating, we've really come to view dating apps as a tool for validation. And people just want to swipe and swipe and they get a hit of dopamine when they match with someone, but the truth is, they are just a way to meet people. Like, you shouldn't be spending too much time on there,

because the goal is to get off the app and meet in real life. Yeah, it's interesting because I have friends who use them and when I'm around them, we'll be out and about and it's like they can't get their hands from being on the phone and wanting to see what's the latest thing that happened. And to me, it's like they're obsessed with it instead of being obsessed with trying to find someone

that's going to fulfill them and be their partner through the experience. Exactly. Yeah, we've become obsessed with the validation and not really into meeting people anymore, which is exactly the opposite of the point. Well, do you have any advice for the listeners on what to do and what not to do if you are using a dating app? I would say go on for about 10 minutes a day, do your conversations, close out any open, make plans, do whatever, and then leave it. Like I think the problem is where you're on it

lazily in the back of maybe you're watching TV, you're just swiping, you're not really thinking about it. That is just pointless. What's the point? Do it actively with intention or don't do it at all. And for the guys who are in the audience, do you have any advice for them on if they've found someone that they're connected with and they have an opportunity

to reach out to them for the first time, what to say and what not to say. My advice for the guys listening would be direct, take charge. Maybe you open with a funny line. You have a few back and forth bantering and then make a specific plan. Don't say, what are you doing this weekend or when we hanging say, I would love to get drinks house Thursday. I know a great spot,

and then say the spot and then make the plan, if they can't do that, try another day, and just make the plan. And that simple act goes such a long way. I really think a lot of men have forgotten how to do that, and it's so important. Yeah, do you think people make mistakes on the profile pictures that they use?

Definitely, I think like we all have different views do you think people make mistakes on the profile pictures that they use? Definitely. I think like we all have different views of ourselves than the world does. It's hard to know what pictures everyone is going to like. But I think pick honest pictures that are from the last year. So pictures that represent your personality. I think that's the best thing you can do. Okay. And one of the core concepts you have in the book is a concept called box theory.

Yeah. Can you describe what that is? Box series, my theory that when a guy meets a girl, he'll put her into one of three boxes. He either wants to sleep with her, date her or want nothing to do with her. And I think women get really confused when they're in between the hookup box and the date box. My point is that you cannot move from box to box. And I really don't advise women to try and manipulate their way into the date box by withholding sex or acting a certain way because you shouldn't have to manipulate the people that you date into wanting to date you. Whenever I say this theory, I get a million messages saying, yeah, I met my husband on our first date. I was super drunk. I acted like a lunatic or I slept with

him on the first date and he knew he wanted to marry me. And that's just because men know. And then some people say, well, tanks, you're putting all the power in the guy's hands. And I say, you're looking at the wrong way. The point is to know where you stand and to not ever try to manipulate someone into liking you because that's just not the foundation for a good healthy relationship. Yeah. Don't you think women also have a box theory? Yes, I do. I think that women have reverse box theory where they put men on pedestals. They prematurely put them in the I want to date them box one. Really, they don't know anything about them, but it's happened to all of us.

We'll see a guy at a dating app and he'll look nice and then all of a sudden we're planning the wedding in our head. And we don't even know anything about him. Besides these six little pictures and a few stupid taglines he's put on this dating app, you have to wait to see how someone makes you feel. That is the most important thing in dating is how someone makes you feel. And I've definitely reversed box-stared guys who weren't worthy before, so beware of that one, ladies.

Well, what happens in a situation where hypothetically, you start dating someone, you say that you're going to be exclusive and then that other person you're dating starts talking about their aspirations and what they want to do and they start doing things like taking trips or planning things that don't involve you in it almost all of it to fulfill you could say what was on their bucket list, but it doesn't seem to involve you. Is that an area where it's a warning sign that you should walk away?

It just sounds like in this hypothetical, the people aren't very aligned. You should want to support your partner, but I think it's also important to be aligned. I don't know, I think case by case, obviously, but yeah. Yeah, and I guess that would leave me to possibly how would they know if they're just hanging out versus dating? Right. Exactly. Yeah. Again, knowing where you stand is a really powerful thing.

Well, one of the things I also picked up is that he should never accept a date for a Saturday night if he asks you after a Wednesday. Why have you found that to be true? Yeah. You should always be busy. Even if you don't have plans, it's showing like maybe you were waiting around for him. He's going to think, well, what? Doesn't this person have friends plans a life would be on me? And I just think early on in dating, it's very important for everyone to respect everyone else's time. And that means planning ahead, look, we're all busy adults, you should plan ahead and again,

go back to the planning thing. That's why it's so important for guys to say, look, I would love to take you on Friday. If you're asking her out on Friday, ask her on Monday, make the plan ahead. She's a busy gal. Maybe she was gonna go out to dinner with her friends, so you book her early. Well, if someone wants to have self-esteem and increase it while they're dating, what are some of your dating timeline best practices?

Every timeline is obviously different, but the one thing that I will say is you shouldn't be caught in a pen pal situation. It's crazy. Sometimes someone will write to me and say, I've been talking to this guy for three months and I haven't met him. And I'm like, three months, that's insane. All you're doing is just validating the other person.

They have no intention of meeting up with you. If you meet someone on a dating app, you should have a few exchanges with them and then make a plan to meet up because otherwise otherwise it just gets into that validation cycle. If your goal is to meet someone then make sure you're actually doing that in real life. Well, it does make such a huge difference. I don't care how much time you spend texting with someone or even talking to them on the phone

until you get face to face with them and you understand that human connection, you're not going to know. Exactly. And you can spend a lot of time wasting it, which I think was my friend's philosophy and the way that he was doing it was I think he rushed it. And that's where I have found almost immediately, like you said, you understand, do you have a connection with someone or not? Could you have a friendship with the person and other things? So you do really realize pretty quickly which area you think this person is going to fit in your life or if they're not at all.

Exactly. So you have a concept called boyfriend sickness. What is it and why is there no cure for it? So everyone has had boyfriend sickness once in their life or twice. Boyfriend sickness is when you get a new boyfriend and all of a sudden you're saying we very early on and maybe you use any opportunity to bring up your new boyfriend. And again, we've all totally been there, but you have to be wary of it because I really talk about it in the book, but you have to guard against losing yourself in relationship. So if you are constantly only thinking and talking about your boyfriend, you've got this sickness. And if it's a mild case, that's okay. But if it's more serious, like if you start canceling on plans with your friends just to sit around with your boyfriend or wait for him to call you. That is a bad sign and you got a guard against that. Okay, and another thing that you bring up quite frequently in the book is this concept of hose over bros. And what is the key to being a better friend. I think that being so honest with your girlfriends is a really great way to get closer to them. I think it's definitely a reason why I have so many close friends.

And yeah, I would say if you're looking to really just increase the value of your friendships and the depth, then be vulnerable. Yeah, and if you saw a friend who was having a bad time or going through discomfort, how do you help, I guess, augment that so that they don't sit in it alone? You can just really letting them know that you're there. It's not even about saying anything, it's just about being there

and sitting in the discomfort with them. That's really crucial. And what do you think we would learn and what would happen if we relied upon each other more? I think that people really are craving a return to community. And I think that people would be happier, honestly, I really do. I think that it's nice to rely on your friends and return help them out.

Okay. And I have just a couple of fun questions for you. This is one I like to ask. Yeah. If you were on the mission to Mars and the powers it be said that once you landed, you could put in a universal law, principle, edict, whatever it may be. What would you want to bring to Mars?

I would bring amazing universal healthcare to everyone on Mars. One I've never gotten before. Oh, really? And if you were doing the late show and you were the host and you got to do car karaoke, who would you want to have in the car with you? Well, that's a really good one. Probably Casey Mousgraves. That would be fun to watch. Yeah, I'm good. I'm gonna hate it when he stops doing these shows. I know, they're fun. And then the last question would be, for a person who picks up your book, what is one or two things that you hope they would

walk away from reading it? I hope they walk away with a deep knowledge of how to raise their self-esteem and not only how to raise it, but why it's so important to raise it and why that will have a knock on effective positivity of every area of their life. That's what I'm hoping. Okay. Well, thanks. Thank you so much for being on the show today. That was fun. You're so wonderful. Thank you for researching everything so deeply. And please tell your daughter hello, and I hope she loves the book.

I will. Thank you again and congratulations on it. And I hope it's just a huge success like everything else has been. Thank you, John. you're so kind. I thoroughly enjoyed that interview with Tynx. And I wanted to thank Tynx, Julia Presser, and Simon Schuster for the honor and privilege of having a repeater on PassionStruck. All links to Tynx will be in the show notes

at passionstruck.com. Please use our website links if you purchase any of the books from the guests that we feature on the show. All proceeds go to supporting the show. Videos are on YouTube at John Armyles and PassionStruck Clips. Advertiser deals and discount codes are in one community in place, at PassionStruck.com slash deals. As I mentioned at the beginning, we are also now on syndicated radio on the AMFM247 National

broadcast every Monday and Friday from 5 to 6 p.m. Links will be in the show notes. I'm on LinkedIn, where you can subscribe to my newsletter, and you can also find me at John R. Miles on both Twitter and Instagram. You're about to hear a preview of the Passion Start Podcast interview I did with repeat. Number one, New York Times bestselling author, Seth Godin. Seth and I discuss his new masterpiece which launches next week, the Song of Significance, which is a new manifesto for teams. Important businesses, profitable businesses, growing businesses, we make

choices. We make a change happen. But you cannot make a change happen and always be perfect. That mistakes are the way forward. That communication, taking responsibility, sharing what didn't work, not hoarding information, doing the reading. These are all choices. We need to shift completely the way we think about what we do around here. Because if we don't, we're gonna be trapped by a system that is outwardly usefulness. Remember, we rise by lifting others.

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