Pendejo Time - 15 Minutes of Shame

Episode Date: January 28, 2021

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Welcome to hell. Welcome to the worst night you will have. Welcome to the Thunderdome. The historic significance of which I have yet to research. Is the Thunderdome, what is that? I guess, why would I ask you if you just said you don't know? From what I understand, it was some sort of tragedy. Or maybe a good thing. It definitely was a thing that happened.

So it was in a place called the Thunderdome. The Thunderdome. A stadium. It was in New Orleans. It was in New Orleans. Ancient Rome. Ancient. Ancient.

ancient ancient you know nowadays with the way technology is if we had that now a bunch of kids would probably call it the thunder drone just cause of all the they would probably call it they would probably call it that

they would probably call it they would probably call it that instead of the thunder dome they would call it they would call this it uh they probably call it that instead of the thunderdome they would call it probably they would call this podcast the blunder drone because of all the why would they call it that the mistakes i actually really work really hard on this you do i put my whole life into it okay all right well then they would call it the thunder zone i don't know man dude whatever it's this is the free one let to turn your mic into the undertone. Yeah.

We're not good at this. We never claim to be. We never will be. And if you keep messaging me about fixing the sound, I want you to know it's probably getting better. Jake said it was, I believe him. But also, if it's not, like, I'm not going to fix it.

I need everyone that's messaging Thomas to understand the following. It started at such a low level that it is getting better, but it is by no means good uh so when i tell them through text like one in the morning when i'm done editing that it's getting better uh i'm not saying that it's good i'm saying that from when i had an xbox gaming headset and we were just recording the Zoom calls it's better than that. But by no means

is it good. So just take that for what it is. And you know what's even better than that? What's that? Luna Mattresses. Our new sponsor. It's the mattress of the actress,

as they say. Officially endorsed by Meryl Streep, Johnny Depp, Johnny Carson, Johnny Sins. Johnny Sins.

He uses the mattresses to do his job. Johnny Travolta. Johnny Travolta. Johnny Depp. Johnny Deins. Johnny Sins, he uses the mattresses to do his job. Johnny Travolta. Johnny Travolta. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. John Carpenter. John Carpenter. John Lennon.

John Lennon. You put in the code, you'll figure, you put in the code, Jake Jake and Thomas you get 125% off the mattress. I'm going to start doing that when we change bits. Just play the horn intro to

Live in La Vida Loca. When it's time for one of us to just stop talking. Both of us in that instance. It'll probably help move and sort of smooth things along. Jake hates me.

You hate me so much. You hate who I am. You hate everything I love. You hate when I have fun. No, dude. I love it when you have fun. I love it when you cut loose. You get a couple drinks in you, man. You start talking crazy.

You start saying crazy things. I don't drink. Other people I know do. I don't. No, you smoke a bunch of fucking heroin. I don't do that. And you say, I think we should get married and i say no man yeah i say that to a girl no you say that to me you say that no i say that to the

love of my life no you say you say that and i say no man we're just we're just business owners and you're like no it's we're something we're not business owners we're this is a biz we're we do not have we're not a registered business um did you ever see that movie remember the titans yeah yeah we're a lot like that okay how so just how we are you know yeah how are we strong do we have like a strong will like we want to win like we're no not at all just similar you know alright alright yeah similar storylines we're kind of the same bootstrap guys you know we really

we strategize we plan we always give our best yeah I haven't seen the movie I don't know anything about football but... I don't know anything about football, really. Yeah. And I don't really care. Yeah, I'm not surprised. Well, what do you know about football, man?

There are two teams in Texas. Yeah. There's, well... There's, well, there's two professional... There's the Dallas the Dallas cool guys and there's

cowboys okay alright you don't know anything you're the stupidest guy in the world and you got the the Astros

believe it or not that's short for Astronaut is it? I don't know Astros. Believe it or not, that's short for astronaut. Is it? I don't know. Yeah. Are you sure? I think it's short for... Because NASA's there.

No, NASA... No. It is. NASA is... NASA stands for... Nice. Nice. Ass.

Sweetie. Oh, yeah. Man, that was a good one. Thanks, buddy. That was crazy. I'm just firing from the hit tonight, dude. Oh, yeah. I think this might be the first one we've added in a few weeks where the premium was actually better than the free one.

Oh, this is free? We're giving this out for free? Yeah, we're giving this gold out for nothing. For nothing. You boys, you boys think this is good. What if I told you we put out something maybe 20% better on a regular basis? Mm-hmm. Well, I'd be lying.

We don't regularly do anything, but... Yeah. We don't regularly do anything. But... Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, I'm not... I mean, you know, I'm very thankful for those who choose to pay for this.

And I really enjoy podcasting with Thomas. Yeah. But, you know, if the money hadn't just hit, like a little bit of money hadn't hit right off the bat, probably, you know... I would just say, hey man, thanks for trying, you know, if the money hadn't just hit, like a little bit of money hadn't hit right off the bat, probably, you know. I would just say, hey, man, thanks for trying, you know. Yeah. Just thanks for coming. But now I get to spend $20,000 a month on those little nurse outfits, you know.

Mm-hmm. Wait, why? Because I'm a first responder. You are, yeah. So, wait, they make you get your own scrubs and they cost $20,000? They don't cost $20,000. I buy them for all the patients. Oh, so you're trying to set like a...

You're running like a scam. Like you're playing the wrong game. No, no. It's like a make-a-wish thing, but all the... A lot of people, and you won't hear this often, but it's true. A lot of people who go to hospitals just want to hang out with

medical professionals. Yeah. I know that when I go to the ER, I really... Like when I have a panic attack or something. Yeah, you have to go to Cook's Children's Hospital. No, I don't. I have to go to the really strong guy. They give you a toy after. Yes, I don't. I have to go to the really strong guy. They give you a toy after.

They give me a toy. It's a Colt.45 handgun. Because it's the man's hospital. They say, Jake, you were so good, you didn't even try to bite us this time. Yeah, no, I don't bite because I'm a grown man and I go to the grown man. Because they had to take you to the vet originally. Alright, you win this round.

Touche. I go to the vet because I like to volunteer there because I'm a good guy. And I have a really strong wall compass that points in the right direction always. I have to go to the vet because I have to get horse testosterone injected

or I'll kill my whole family. Yeah, you need to get horse testosterone injected or I'll kill my whole family. Yeah, you need to get horse testosterone injected because you don't have to make any of your own. Yeah. I'll leave that up to the audience. Folks, you get $50 a month here. You get to see my body hair as it grows. Do you shave your body hair?

hair as it grows. Do you shave your body hair? I mean, that's a broad statement. It wasn't a statement. It was a simple question. It's pretty intimate. No, it's not. You post flexing pictures. You just tell me you shave your body hair or not. There's so much hair on the body, you know. So you do shave your body hair, dude, to get the nice lean look. No, no, I don't. Oh, okay. No, I never had that. Most of my chest hair and stuff is bleached-ish, or was until recently.

You bleach it? No, it's sun bleached because I didn't work with a shirt on at my old job. Oh, nice. I walked into my girlfriend's house the other day, her parents' house. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Her brother was like, hey like hey man come up here and i was like we all know what happens next yeah and i was like yeah what's up man he was like i need you to shave my back i was like what he was like yeah just take take these clippers and there's some spots I missed.

I was like, what? I mean, I guess I was drunk. So I was like, all right. And then in that moment, I was like, dude, I'm stuck with this family. I love them and they love me. But if something goes awry, you know, I love them, and they love me, but if something goes awry, you know, I don't want it to, but I just shaved a grown man,

so, like, I'm in this to win this, you know? Yeah, yeah. Like, hey, man, help me change the tire. Like, my back's thrown out. Or, like, hey, dude, you know, nobody showed up to the cookout, so you come over and, like, help me change the tire. My back's thrown out. Hey, dude, nobody showed up to the cookout, so can you come over and help me drink some of these beers? We can just bullshit. Nah, man, can you take these clippers to my lower back

and to my mid-back? I'm really hairy, and we've never shared more than 10 words per day to each other, but I sort of like need your help on this one. I was like, yeah, I mean, I'm not going to tell him no. Yeah. Yeah, I hate when that happens. You routinely have to get people to shave your back or what? Yeah.

I don't think i have like back hair i mean probably a little bit but not like you know noticeable i can't grow any facial hair really it's super patchy and gross and i have like 14 chest hairs and i'm about to be 27 years old and i don't yeah yeah i mean you're rocking with it no see most of that sprouted literally like in the last two months Thomas is showing me his breasts yeah

it's not weird between us see I got the Kimbo slicing it's like a full yeah yeah Thomas is now showing me his

he's doing a belly roll now he's fucking nice nice I do that I used to do that at parties and people would be like do you think that's bitch nice nice I do that I used to do that at parties

and people would be like do you think that's cool yeah yeah I do I went to middle school with a kid who could do it

diagonally across his belly what no yes dude I wouldn't believe it either like if somebody

told me that like it went like this like hip to hip he went at like a 45 degree angle across the amount of abdominal control

required for that. He's one of those like skinny kids who like never worked out but had like a perfect 8 pack. Yeah. Sort of like one of those trailer kids who just like drank like fucking radiated water and like pull

up some power lines yeah yeah there was a kid in my trailer park uh who his name was stanley and everyone hated him because he was a piece of shit and he like stole shit he would just steal like if you left a cup outside he would just he'd steal it he'd see him drinking it and you're like hey man anyway uh i i watched a matt matt what was that fucking matt hoffman i used to watch like i wanted to be a bmxer but i was like five years old yeah so i had my little like mongoose bike and i was like yeah if i lift the handlebars up i could totally do like a fucking tail whip, like a bar spin. Like he does. It's not that I need to get air or like be a grown man with strength. I can just do what I do in the video game and like kind of make it happen. You know? And I went end over end on my handlebars,

knock myself out, busting my face open and I look up and who it is. It's like the trailer park, like shithead, the worst kid in the fight who would just like stab you. If you asked him like, hey man, what are you doing over there? He would just like throw a knife at you or throw a ninja star because he also used to throw those against trees like at the park, the trailer park. Yeah. He like literally like picked me up and like took me back to my apartment.

So, I mean, I think I made a friend that day. He's probably dead now. This was 20 years ago. Yeah. I don't imagine that I made a friend that day. He's probably dead now. This was 20 years ago. Yeah. I don't imagine that he did anything with his life. It's just how it goes. Yeah. I remember that the one kid who could do the diagonal roll,

he was the first person to show me ICP. Mm-hmm. Which was never something, I never had a phase with that. Me neither. Like, that was one of those things. It was big in my high school, dude. That was one of those things. I never had a phase with that. Me neither. It was big in my high school, dude. That was one of those things.

Well, I think by the time I was in high school, it was mostly the kids of Juggalos that were there. I had like 80 people in my grade, and probably like five of them were like at least adjacent yeah which is when you think about it like percentile wise like a quite quite a bit

yeah so I would think but but yeah that's one of those like groups that as soon as I heard like one second of that music I was like oh this like sucks yeah i majorly like there was a good i took bodybuilding my junior year not to like be good at it but because it was i heard it was essentially a jack-off class like the strength coach did for the football team made it or did it and he was like yeah you can

play on your phone you can jack off I'm gonna go to my car, hang out. I don't care about this at all. And, uh, he was, he would like put the, put some of the face paint on,

like just around his eyes when he would lift. And, uh, just total, like, like he, one time he was like, Hey man,

uh, you know, this was like, I was in high school, 2008, 2012. he was like, hey man, you know, this was like, I was in high school 2008, 2012. And, uh, this was during the middle of the bath salts craze, 2011. And he was like, hey man, you want to get

insane? You want to fucking be able to do 900 dips? You need to snort some of this. And he had it in a little vial. And I was like, dude, I do like pills and stuff, but I'm not going to snort that of this and he had it in a little vial i was like dude i do like pills and stuff but i'm not gonna snort that he was like you should because i get fucking super jacked off this fuck pre-workout dude does not work this is this is like cocaine and meth brother and i was like

nope because at the time i hadn't tried cocaine yet and And I was like, I don't even want it. No, I'm good. He's like, all right, man. And then one time he was thoroughly convinced that his sweat, like he, we were, I was like working out next to him and he was like, hey man, he was like, women love the smell of testosterone. I was like, dude, we're like 16. Like, what are you doing? I think he like, I think he like,

because he was pretty built for, he was one of those guys that was pretty built when he was 16. But I think he like, got on the bodybuilding forums and was like, listening to the advice of a bunch of like,

58 IQ meatheads who probably were super jacked, but like, he was like, all I gotta do, he's like, when I shower, before I go on a date

or if I go to my girlfriend's house and I'm a fucker, I'll actually, I'll actually like, all I got to do, he's like, when I shower before I go on a date or if I go to my girlfriend's house and I'm a fucker, I'll actually wipe my armpits with a rag. And then I'll shower and then I'll put my shirt on and then I'll wipe the rag on my shirt because women can smell the pheromones. Girls can't. And I was like, no, I mean, I think he just probably, he just smelled bad, like even after you like clean yourself. He was like, no, don mean, I think he just probably, like, he just smelled bad. Like, even after you, like, clean yourself. He was like, no, don't work that way. And I was like, all right. And, like, he, we had, like, our final project for bodybuilding was, like, to, like, show your progress or whatever.

To, like, show, like, what you've accomplished. And he filmed himself with a shitty like i guess he propped it up against a tree in a trailer park that he lived at the one i lived at but i had moved out but he propped it against a tree and he was doing mma it was he was just doing like what we talked about a couple episodes he was just doing backyard mma fights and just like he was like fighting his like 12 or 13 year old cousins who were like little and he's like he's like doing bath salts and like dead lifting like 400 pounds at 16 and he's just he's laying them the fuck out picking them up and slamming them into the ground

and he's like showing it like he'd pull he'd like somehow he'd send it to a computer and like hdmi put it on there he was like yeah i get strong because i want to be a ufc fighter and so he plays this video on the fucking bodybuilding coaches back there's one of those guys that's like all lats big beer belly was probably in great shape 25 years ago no neck he's just sitting back there trying not to cry laughing because it's just this guy like suplexing sixth graders to a drowning pool. It's like, that's the body. That's how it started.

Halfway it cut to Slipknot and he's just throwing haymakers at seventh graders. The video ends and it was like 38 seconds. He's like, yeah, so that's what I've been working on. I'm in the gym room adjacent to the weight room where they would do like football pep talks

like before games or whatever. And I'm just I'm biting the inside of my lips so hard it's bleeding because at no point did he break character because he really believed in this. It was like

he was like yeah so you know you believe in yourself like just bodybuilding forum talk he's like and you fucking get up and you do the fucking work

every morning you will see results. And if you're a pussy ass bitch beta fucking cuck idiot you're gonna fucking fail and if you fucking fail i don't have any fucking sympathy for you and everybody's like man i joined this class to smoke weed because the coach is like never here like i've jacked off in this i went i went and i jacked off in the gym because no one – like, and he's like – and then again, like, he would – he didn't have any headphones. So he would put his – we would like – I would spot him on bench. He would spot me. And he would put his phone on the ground and it would just be – the original conversation is about ICP.

But it was like – he's like, hey, man. He's like, everybody's got to have a lifting soundtrack. You got to have a fucking, you got to be lifting to something that just gets you fucking going. What's yours? And I was like, I don't really like listening to music when I lift. Kind of distracts me. And also I don't really lift that much. I joined this class for no reason. And he was like, dude, I'll send you, I'll send you mine. I'll just, I'll just send you to an email.

Do you like ICP? And I'm like, insane clown posse. And he's like, dude, I'll send you mine. I'll just send you to an email. Do you like ICP? And I'm like, insane clown posse? And he's like, yeah. I was like, nah, I never listen to them. He's like, you're out of your fucking mind. You want insane fucking games? You want an insane pump? Listen to this.

And he played it, and he was like, my homies live next to me. We don't have much. It's like, it's just, it it really everybody knows it's the fucking cliche it's like it's just trailer part like shit you listen to while your parents like throw each other through a fake wood panel wall yeah like it's not music it's just like juggalos are cool though i do like them but like insofar as they're just wacky guys. But the music, no. I'm not going to lift weights to that. I would rather drop a barbell on my fucking neck than lift to whatever the fuck Horrorcore is. Yeah.

I think Horrorcore is also like old Memphis rap. Yeah, like what's that guy? Oh, God. Old Project Pad and Kingpin Skin Kingpin Skinny Pimp I don't know maybe

there's a guy I'm thinking of Losco I don't remember the name of the guy I'm thinking of Tommy Wright oh a Tech 9

I guess well I mean I think I think we're kind of talking about two different things but I'm talking about like

the ICP adjacent like yeah yeah it's cheesy horrorcore horrorcore can also be like I guess stuff that sound like

basically everything that Suicide Boys ripped off to make their sound but yeah the whole like rappers being like from kansas was just never a good idea i feel like uh you got like tech nine and then he's got like there's like 30 rappers that are basically tech nine you know yeah like i've met guys who were like dude do you like uh you like tech nine i'm like uh not not really you know it's not for me and he's like well you should check out like this other guy who's like similar to him i'm like well i would if i liked the first person you mentioned you know yeah but it's like similar to him. And I'm like, well, I would if I liked the first person you mentioned,

you know? Yeah. But it's like, it's like, hey man, you like getting, like, shot with like a,

you know, a gun? And then like, in the leg? It's like, nah man, it's like, well,

have you ever been shot in like the, the torso? No dude, no, not like, nah, man. It's like, well, have you ever been shot in, like, the torso? No, dude, no. I'm not, like, really interested in either one particularly. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, okay. So it's, like, original, like, maybe the birth of trap music.

I don't know. Because when I hear horrorcore, I'm like, okay. I don't know what horrorcore means. But this is not interesting or funny. No, who cares but uh yeah you're right trap was kind of its own um own thing from what i understand i know i know i started in atlanta i'm not the the the specific type of white guy to be like you know I consider myself to be a rap historian in many ways

we should have Michael Rappaport on yeah we just we're got our brains in sync yeah we're in sync and I'm Justin Timberlake and you're Lance Bass no no I don't I don't think so because I'm more groovy than you.

Really? Is that so? Yeah, yeah. I've literally never heard you get down with the funk, but that's just funny you say that. I've never seen you get down with anything except AIDS. I don't have AIDS, and if I did, there's nothing wrong with that because it actually affects millions of people. Did you know that? I did know that. Millions of people die from that every month.

Every month? Hope not. Too bad. I don't... be bad I don't do you remember you know who Hopson is the rapper yeah of course

so I remember that there was this guy in college who like I was like yeah we were talking hip hop and I was like yeah I was like in my MF doom phase or whatever rest in peace he was like yeah you should listen to Hopps. It's important that you say that because people would be...

It's a big moment for hip-hop for us to say rest in peace. Yeah. Probably get you an article now. It matters because... We paid homage. We paid homage on our fucking stupid podcast. Alright, I'm sorry. He had an album.

We were like bullshitting at a party. It was outside smoking. He was like, dude, you should listen to Hopson. I always thought he was kind of corny. I was like, I don't know, man. He's kind of corny. He was like, dude, have you listened to his album Pound Syndrome? And I was like, I thought he was joking like i thought he

was making fun of me for saying he was corny i was like is that really the name of his album he's like yeah and i was like pound syndrome and he's like clearly not getting offended but he's like i don't understand and i was like is that a portmanteau like is that a combination of pound referencing selling weed and down syndrome the mental dis the mint like the disease the syndrome he's like i guess so and i was like i am not going to listen to an album called pound syndrome it's just not going to happen he was like man it's really good like you're kind of selling it like you know and i was like dude i just i'm conversation over like i'm not and i had to google it i was like maybe he mispronounced it like maybe he maybe it's like you know pound pound something pound something any fucking anything else and then i googled it and it's pound syndrome

and i know i know that when that motherfucker was thinking of album names he was like, dude, this is the hardest shit. Pound Syndrome. People are going to read this on the album and they're going to think this is going to be so good. That's how you say syndrome? Syndrome.

Do you say syndrome? I've said syndrome. It's not wrong. I just say syndrome. No, I'm not making fun of you. Because I've heard that before, but I've only heard, like, British people say it like that. I thought only British people said syndrome. Syndrome.

It's syndrome. I mean, it's both. Like, both were. No, no, I... I'm not even, like... I just don't know if that's a regional thing. Like, where that's more common. I've only...

Do people in your life say syndrome? Yeah, that's... Yeah, I've i've never i mean i hear syndrome but i normally hear that from like doctors and shit are you a doctor i'm a doctor in a lot of ways that people don't even realize okay i see the sickness in society what's sick around us oh boy um okay i didn't actually think of a um in a lot of ways uh racism it's a sickness that thankfully president joe Joe Biden has solved. You don't have to worry about it. Our boy Joe, he's got it. He's not a rapist anymore. He's got it covered.

He's getting rid of climate change. He's getting rid of prisons. Yeah. I think it is. It does rock. Did you see the thing about the private prisons?

Yeah, I did see that. I didn't read the article. I saw the headline. Yeah, I didn't read the article either. I didn't want to be too quick to celebrate because I didn't know if it was actually something worse. You know? Yeah. I'm kind of cautious to celebrate because like i didn't know if it was like actually something worse you know yeah or if i'm kind of cautious to celebrate i it kind of thing kind of goes into like i was going to mention it is funny like i kind of saw it coming but it's like literally the day he's

elected like the like everything media is like all right we're good now we're good um we don't really need to talk about like scandals or're good um we don't really need to talk about like scandals or anything anymore like we don't need to talk about like failures i'm not like a trump guy but i am it is funny to observe that like just with night and day like they just yeah that's we're not doing politics stuff anymore we're back it's normal you can go back to fucking brunch or whatever yeah Yeah, it's like, yeah, Anna Kendrick is famous again. Yeah.

Have you guys seen Kimmy Schmidt? We're not talking about politics anymore. The good guys win. Imagine if Donald Trump had just watched Nanette. That would have been,

he would have been fine. I'm trying to get a mental image of him like, you know, because I don't think he sits around in a suit. Maybe he does. Maybe he's sitting in a suit and he's in the bedroom in the White House.

And he's just, like, flipping through Netflix, big Diet Coke next to him. And he's like, hmm, I bet this young man is very funny. And, like, opens the nanette and it's like, oh, blah, blah, blah. Nope, absolutely not. I will will not or maybe he liked it I like to think rather than having like sweats it's like a suit that he puts on in the morning

and just takes off throughout the day like he has it unbuttoned and it's like slouched like his undershirt is showing it's either that or he's got like monogrammed like bathrobes yeah like at one for every day of the week or something but not even like they look like like you would think it'd be like luxury no tropes but from like dollar general they're like. Bathrobes that he sells for $200. And he wears – yeah, he would wear his own shitty –

Yeah. I love that he – I was talking to an interview about the insurrection or whatever and he was like – Yeah, the aides were saying that he felt really like good that they would go to bat for him. But he said it was low class and so that's why he didn't like it and it's like i that just like a level of like a lack of self-reflection like do you think that people that like support you and would like break down the white house in your name that they're like well-to-do prim and proper people like that like they're they a lot of those people were rich no i'm not saying that they're not rich but i'm saying like there's like yeah like like high class yeah they're just like upper middle class like we've talked about them a bunch of times like

construction managers and fucking rig welders and shit who were like probably make 200k a year there were a bunch of people from like df. Yeah. Well, just Texans in general. I mean, like. Yeah. I always like, I'm always like surprised when people from like Dallas or whatever in the news and I'm like, oh yeah, it's like, it's like one of the biggest cities in the country. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah.

It makes sense. The Metroplex, I think is the second or first biggest, maybe behind Houston or New York or something. I know it's not first, but it's probably like second or third or something like that. My friend who lives there, the rich guy, Gay Rich Zach, he took me out a couple times. Yeah, I bet he did. Yeah, he did. With a bunch of friends because he's my old roommate and we're friends for no other reason other than that.

Stop showing me your tits, dude. I like that hoodie, though. Anyway, so he took me to, I guess, Midtown or whatever. Dude, I've never seen, like, because 6th Street sucks. Like, 6th Street and Austin's dog shit. It sucks. But Dallas, like the night life scene i guess he took me to the rich part again i know he did because every time i was like can i just get a well vodka and soda and they were like yeah 14

dollars i'm like no i'm gonna go sit my flask in the fucking bathroom and do key bumps no thanks man but thank you but everybody it was like boat shoes chubby shorts uh vineyard vines button up no sleeves uh and like it was red just like the reddest the reddest guys on planet earth and i was like why does everyone like i know everyone everyone in austin like you know it's the hipsters like the hipster vibe. I guess it's comparable, but it's like, dude, I feel like I'm in a commercial right now for Old Navy. Only everybody's hammer drunk and saying the N-word. I don't understand. Including in this scenario, that's including Jake, by the way.

No, I don't. Look, I need you. No, we talked about this. I told you that you needed to stop, and you're trying to turn me on. I'm not going to. All right. I mean, I tried. People can't even let me have one thing?

No, no, I can't. No. Because your one thing is it's a fucking moral tragedy. It's up there with the Holocaust. You can't say shit like that. I'd say maybe worse. Yeah.

But you're saying, yeah, they are... Yeah, they're just... Anyway, like, and all of them, like, you shoulder bump somebody, it's an accident, everybody's like, whoa, dude. Hey, whoa dude hey, whoa whoa right

and I'm like, what? and they're like, yeah, yeah, keep walking and I asked Zach I was like, does it, do they sense is this like an Assassin's Creed thing is this an area that I'm not can they sense I don't have any money what's going on here and he's like, no, is this an area that I'm not... Can they sense I don't have any money? Like, what is...

What's going on here? And he's like, no, everyone's just like that. Like, not obviously in, like, the Fort Worth drinking areas, but he only drinks because he's a high-class dork and a fucking bougie-ass idiot. He only drinks with other bougie-ass idiots. This is all he knows. And so those places, like, everyone's dad is, like,

the former DA of some small city near and around Dallas. I don't fucking know. Like assistant district. And everyone's mom is like a professor at SMU or something. So, you know. It's like, yeah, dude, my dad's a cop in Haltom City, but keep talking. Yeah, keep talking shit. My dad was a paralegal right outside Denton.

And I just, you know, bad things happen to people. Yeah, my mom works at a DMV in Plano, but I'd love for you to keep running your mouth like that. I'd love for you to keep running your mouth. My mom is a lady that does all the DMV ladies' nails over in Plano, and so she can have your license revoked lickety-fucking-split. And so she can have your license revoked. Lickety fucking split. So keep running and keep talking that shit. Keep flapping your gongs because my mom, all she's got to say to the little keyboard lady is that someone pushed her son over. And the next thing you know, no fucking driver's license for you, pal.

Yeah, my dad owns like three laundromats, but I'd love for you to keep talking like that. See what happens. Yeah, just keep moving those. Next time, Gary. My dad, he owns a deer lease that he's, well, he rents a deer lease that he's nine months behind on. And the bank's coming soon, but he still owns it. So for the next month, you want to try to go out there and hunt. Try to go out there and get your fucking hunting on. Try to do anything.

Because my dad owns a chain of plumbing establishments that bring in next to zero income. Somehow we have $450,000 worth of four-wheelers and Ford Raptors. Is that all credit cards you think? I know that, like, I guess it has to be. You mean like all the crazy successful like with very little income but they have like a business.

Yeah. I think a lot of it is I mean it varies but a lot of people like especially like if it's a like 1099 situation where it's it's like not an established business you know yeah it's like there's a lot of under the table income yeah and then also just like uh it's pretty easy to get like loans if you have a business.

Yeah. And I feel like a lot of that does get blown on like jet skis and stuff, whether you want to admit it or not. I'd like to think that it's just like, because I remember when I got my first credit card that I maxed the fuck out because I'm an idiot. I was probably making like $1,400 a month like bartending because it was just a slow season. And they gave me like a $2,000 credit limit. And I was like, why? This is, you're dumb. I'm not going to pay this back. You've been robbed. But it got me thinking. It's like, okay, if you make 90K a year, what do they give you? Like, and I know the answer because I have a couple of friends who do very well for themselves. And it's like, yeah, MasterCard gave me like a $10,000 limit.

I'm like, okay, that's fucking stupid. $15,000, $20,000 limit. But I'm assuming that if you have combined income, like the mom does some bullshit fucking, you know, artisan wicker baskets. Whatever fucking southern women do to keep themselves busy. And the dad like runs a construction company who brings a 200k a year i'm sure you do get enough money to put a down payment on a ford raptor 92 atvs because i'm not talking about people that own land and like you know are clearly doing i'm talking about people that like lived in the neighborhoods that i moved into when i moved out

of like like the trailer park or like you know know, like just shitty apartments. Like we moved into a, like a suburb proper. And I would see people with like, you know, like Raptors and shit. And like the house looked like shit, but they had like, you know,

90, a hundred thousand dollars for the vehicles and like motorcycles and shit. I'm like, is this just all on the fucking Amex? Honestly, respect. I would do that shit. I definitely ruined my financial.

What, what future do I have yeah I I respect it honestly when people just know that

like having a $50,000 truck will make them happier than you know not losing a mobile home yeah

like I don't even mean that in a talking down type of way. No, you got to know what actually is going to make you happy. And for a lot of people, it's just a, it's just nothing for most people. It's nothing.

Yeah. But you're going to look cooler, uh, to the guys at work who you desperately want to like you, even though you talk shit to them daily and you hate them. Also in a non-toxic, you desperately want to like you. Even though you talk shit to them daily and you hate them. Yeah. Also, in a non-toxic masculinity way,

it's a lot of fun to drive a big truck. Yeah. My work truck rocked. It was awesome. I get to drive, I mentioned this before, I'll talk about it again,

I get to drive a 2500 flatbed 67 diesel ram nice sometimes for work it's my boss it's not mine hope i never wreck it but uh it's so that's so good it feels so good driving a diesel especially what i don't like is when if you're not getting a raptor and you're spending like 50 60 grand on a fucking gmc yeah and you're getting a you're getting a gas or it's like come on man maybe this is just uh the you know the diesel douche texting at me, but I'm like, if you're spending that much, why would you get a gas? It's more expensive to get a diesel, but also you're driving a diesel.

It was always super easy to find my car when I worked at the refinery because I would be on a man lift or something or up on top of, not on top of the highest point of a crane, but like up where the engine is and the AC trying to fix something. And I could see the parking lot and the parking lot was Raptor, Raptor, Raptor, GMC, diesel, diesel, diesel, diesel, diesel, GMC, diesel, Mustang, Challenger,

Charger, Mustang, Raptor, Raptor, Mustang, Challenger, Charger, Challenger, Charger, Hellcat, Mustang 5.0 and then my Nissan Altima. Like it was not like I could never, I knew where to, every job I've ever had, restaurant, anything. I go to the fucking parking lot and I'm like dude everybody drives a fucking shitty mom car that they just got

because they didn't have any money. Nah dude, I never had any trouble because I would just look out on the horizon and see about two to three3 million worth of soon-to-be-repossessed $70,000-$80,000 trucks and cars. There's just no way. I've never seen so many Hellcats in person. I'm not talking about 20, but when you see 4 five like right next to each other, you're like, dude, this is like an $80,000 or $90,000 car. Like why?

Like also you're driving on a dirt road that has potholes. It's not properly paved. This car is low to the fucking ground. Like I would never take a car like that to a fucking oil refinery. Like I don't – it would be covered in fucking scratches and like pebble scratches and dirt and i'm like dude if i had a car like it would be a weekend car it would sit in the fucking garage yeah but the mentality like you says it's like well i hate all these people but i desperately want them to know i'm better than them so i'm going to drive this 845 horsepower car over a bunch of potholes, rocks, broken beer bottles, nails, pieces of wood.

And they'll know that I have the biggest pecker at this job site. Yeah. It was always nice whenever I worked. Whenever I worked construction, it wasn't that bad because all the guys who had trucks like they were kind of old not great trucks you know yeah like you know like a 19 or like a 2001 like f-150 where it's not like it might as well be a car but uh yeah whenever i worked um warehouse it was it was like what you were talking about yeah there were like a couple there were literally a couple corvettes and i'm like the z1s or whatever the fucking yeah dude i'm like i'm like there's a couple

there were a couple guys there who made six figures, but it wasn't those guys who drove it. It was just the guys who made... Like the hands, like the warehouse hands. It was guys who made maybe 18 an hour, which is like, hey, that's pretty good money. It's not Hellcat money. It's like newer F-150 money yeah you know like like you just get a regular vehicle i don't understand past a certain point you know there um there was a time i think they're still doing this maybe they've dialed about i actually don't know but i do

remember around 2018 or 19 a couple years back maybe earlier i don't know, but I do remember around 2018 or 19, a couple of years back, maybe earlier. I don't know. So like Ford, Ford's like new line of GTs, which I think start like, cause there's a GT base. And then there's like the GT with all the Shelby's. Anyway, the GT base was like 40, $45,000, which like, don't get me wrong. That's a lot of fucking money but like 500 horsepower like it's something like there was like a like you would see so many articles like in my hometown and then like near my hometown like local news it's like a young junior wide receiver so and so died tragically at

three in the morning and you'd get down to the article and like 90 of the time it was like you find out he his parents had got him a Mustang GT. Yeah. And it's like when you give a 17-year-old man, a 17-year-old boy, whatever, a car with 500 horsepower, it's like there was a time when that type of horsepower like you're going to drop 70, 80 grand. But like a middle class, maybe a little upper – like closer to upper middle class family could put money down that as a gift for their son no biggie forty thousand dollars gt base and a bunch of people were just killing themselves in it because it's like when i had my ss my impala it was like 300 something and it was fucking fast and it was mean and it had a ton of power and i could barely handle it i would not know how to act if i had 200 more ponies i'm a grown man like it's like and so yeah like there was just like i

was off in austin but i you know it's like you hear so-and-so's son died now how it happened car crash did he have a mustang gt why do you ask because that's a pandemic right and it's a mild pandemic in like refinery towns where some kid turns 18 joins the army buys a fucking shelby and then blows it up three weeks later yeah like my car has 170 horsepower if i and i i've still done some done some stuff you know yeah? Yeah, I mean, any. Yeah. But, like, if it didn't take me 20 minutes to get up to speed, you know, it'd be dangerous out there. Yeah. Because you get, like, a mom car, you can still get in a wreck

if you really put your mind to it. You can get in a wreck in anything. But it's, like, I do think it's it's like woefully irresponsible on Ford's behalf to be like, hey, do your parents have a combined income of, I don't know, $150,000 a year? You should get your little boy who just got his driver's license seven months ago one of the fastest consumer production cars on the market right now. Because he would really enjoy it and he wouldn't die like at all ever. one of the fastest consumer production cars on the market right now. Because he would really enjoy it and he wouldn't die, like, at all, ever. Probably good for him to get it, you know. Because that's what, you know, that's what we would do here at Ford.

Yeah. I was thinking we should get matching cars whenever we make it big. Yeah, I told you. I know that you want the truck. I want that GTO so fucking make it big. Yeah, I told you. I know that you want the truck. I want that GTO so fucking bad, man. Yeah. You said you want like an 08 or something, right? Yeah, so they did a... It was...

So there was an Australian car company called Holden, and they had the Monaro and the Commodore. And Pontiac rebadged them the Commodore as the G8 GT, which was faster than fuck. them the Commodore as the G8 GT, which was faster than fuck. And then they revadged the Monaro as a, had a 5.7 and a 6 liter option as the Pontiac GTO. They look like bloated Cavaliers. They're ugly as fuck, dude. But I love, like, I just, I think they look fucking cool. And I've always wanted one since I was like 13.

And so every couple of years I'll come into some money and I'm like, all right, I'm going to fucking put the money down and get one. I'm just going to get one. But like now that the podcast is going, I'm like, dude, I really like – there are a lot of stupid – there's a lot of stupid shit I would buy and have bought with the little money we do make. But if we ever do clear like two grand each or whatever, which probably won't ever happen i am well we're speaking into existence we're going to manifest our own reality because i i hate actually doing work it's so so bad dude if i could clear two grand from this dude i would maybe drive through like because i've lived off two grand a month it's not it's fine maybe i i just i probably would do like something part-time like you know yeah i would probably uh go back to smuggling people little children yeah i had a lot of fun doing that uh so um but yeah you said they had that at 6.0?

Yeah, so they had, it was the LS1. And so, uh, the LS1 5.7 and the LS1 6.0. So it was, the 5.7 put out 350 and the 6.0 put out 400 horsepower 400 torque and at the time in like 2000 2004 to 2006 when they were produced i oh wait i misspoke 400 horsepower was like that was like holy shit as a consumer car like and they were loud as fuck like no cams like no work like you buy one off the fucking lot and it's like you know. I've never even fucking tested. I'm almost

compelled. Every now and then I'll find one on Austin Craigslist and I want to show up with my dick big. I'm going to buy this motherfucker but I want to test drive it first and then just steal it. Just hit 35 in Austin and just drive as fast as I can to Houston, three hours away where I could definitely be tracked down

due to public records and stuff. You make it like 45 minutes. Get shot out, tires shot out. Yeah. No, I was just asking because I don't know that much about that stuff. But they didn't, until like 2011, I think, on the F-250s, they didn't have a 6.7 until like 2011. It was just 6.0s. Yeah.

Which the resale value on the 6.0s is way lower. Like anytime I find a good deal on a diesel F-250, it's like oh, okay. It's 6.0, that's why. Yeah. But the thing about the 6.7s is like, I know some of you listeners don't care, and here's the thing, I'm running the show, so is Jake. Yeah, it's car talk. So the 6.7s, even like the F750s we drive at work have a 6.7 in them. Yeah.

It's just different transmission, which, I mean, that's not like exclusive information. I just find it interesting. I mean, that's not like... CIA. That's not something I would like try and impress a mechanic with. I'm just sort of new to that stuff. It's interesting to me how transmissions work.

Now you ask me about how transmissions work. Well, do I look like... I didn't go to ITT. I'm not some genius. I couldn't tell you. Do you remember when those commercials would come on like it would be like, do you want to learn? Do you want to make a ton of money as a mechanic? Dude, those commercials would come on like twice.

It would be like, you want to learn? You want to make a ton of money as a mechanic working on cars as a kid? I honestly really appreciate it. I get a Lincoln Tech ad on YouTube anytime I'm thinking about killing myself. I'm like, next man,

I'll do this instead. I'm like talking over the phone I'm like I think I'm gonna I'm gonna do it man it's been a good run on the laptop it's like about to play like you know like ape beating dog to death

before that plays it's like, hey, you feel like you're running out of time to change your life? How about you learn how to work on motorcycles, man? How about you give it a try? Come on. No, you can do it. Just come on, man.

It doesn't take that long. It doesn't take that long at all. Learn a new skill, man. This is an 18-month program. Killing yourself. You've got to think about it. You've got to fucking. Dude, killing yourself.

I mean, look. I know you've got a gun in your mouth right now, but at ITT Tech, you can learn to fix golf carts. And there's a lot of money in that. And you can learn. You've got to cut to the chase with that stuff. Yeah. It's always like, you're looking for a new direction. And it's always just, basically, it's like, hey, you flunked a new direction and it's always just basically it's

like hey you flunked out of college and you're you're about to do it you know um how about you give this one last try because your parents have eight thousand dollars left in your college fund yeah you don't really everyone does not like to be around you. And you know what the perfect occupation for that is? Mechanic. Because they're angry, bitter, and jilted people. And so if you right now have your feet teetering on an unstable stool in the garage, you should take that rope and cut her down and give us, I don't know, $14,000. And in 18 months, you'll be able to do an oil change.

It will change you fundamentally. It will give direction and purpose to your life. Yeah. We found that over 60% of graduates found at least a part-time job within two years of this program. 60% of graduates went to work at a Toyota service shop and they did kill themselves, but they had a couple years in the interim. They probably went out a couple times and laughed. They probably made, in that two years, they probably made $9,000. But here at ITT Tech, we do promise you two years.

You graduate, you're going to kill yourself or give you two extra years of life. Yeah. you two years you graduate you you're gonna kill yourself or give you two extra years of life yeah i uh if they had me on the marketing i'd even step it up a notch after that you know you roll those ads for a few months after that hey if you if you can't graduate from lincoln tech you should kill yourself and it's like you know only like one guy would get mad about it you know because it's like hey don't say that it's like well have you been yeah you haven't been to lincoln tech yet you can't criticize what is that what is lincoln tech it's the same thing as i think lincoln tech went bankrupt but it's the same as itt you're one of them it feels like

that's such an easy like college thing to like not go under with you know if you do it's like what were you spending the money on you know other than I guess embezzling I guess I don't know

I think I told you that an old buddy of mine from college reached out. So, like, with this stock thing, dude, like, all my friends, man, like... So, my stupid idiot friends, they are making some money from it. Because if you're playing the game, like, I guess everyone can right now. Because it's like... Anyway, one of my old friends from college, he tried to get me to invest with him. He texted me recently and he was like, dude, we've got to set that meeting up. We've got to.

He's like, it's time to buy and it's time to get in. I'm like, I didn't respond. And then he texted me again, so I responded, yeah, I'm thinking about it. And he sent me this long message where he's like, look, man, the secret to being wealthy is this. You need to write everything off on your taxes. All right. You need to invest the money that you do get, extra money, bullshit money. You need to.

He was basically, he was like, you need to do insider trading. You need to pump and like just shit that you would like. I don't have any money really. So it would get me thrown in jail. But he was talking about a bunch of shady shit. And I was like, why are you texting someone that didn't really like you? You didn't, we didn't like each other in college. Why are you texting me to get into, like, SEC fraud?

Like, what are you, it's probably, he probably was just doing a bunch of blow. I was like, I'm going to text Jake. Because I, you know. I'll do. That's one thing. I'm not afraid of the SEC. Mm-hmm.

What are they gonna do? Put me in prison? Yeah. No. They would absolutely throw you in jail. They wouldn't do it to me. Why not?

You too strong? I got balls. That is true. They did get out of the interrogation room. They're sweating me. I'm smoking a cigarette. I look really cool in there. I'm wearing aviators.

They say... 6% body fat. They turn to the guy from Criminal Minds whose eyes are too close together Shemar Moore. Yeah. Here's what he says. What does he say? He turns

he says that guy's one tough cookie. Huh? And they all let me go. And when I leave... The lady cop sucks your dick? No, because I wouldn't... You shouldn't...

I shouldn't do that. Okay. Now I feel really bad about it. No. I get out and everybody's really happy for me. They say, how did he do it? They say, how did he do it? I say, I'm the richest man in the world.

And I got balls. Your new motivate. I would be lying about the richest man in the world thing. Yeah, and the balls thing because you don't have them. Yeah, well, I'm a eunuch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I care about... Women. women serving the queen or whatever right be a good motivational speaking tour for you to go on after you hit like 100k followers on

Twitter and podcast maybe gets a little money you're just like it's the I got balls tour you just go and talk to a bunch of middle managers and day traders and guys. It's just me yelling at a bunch of high school girls. ITT Tech dropouts. You want to be successful like me? Get up. Get out of here. Get out of high school.

You're not learning anything. Not even in like a creepy way. Like in just a... I think that's my target audience. I think that's who I can speak to. It's just girls. Do you got balls? And she's like,

what? And you're like, I asked you a simple fucking question. I need you to make money with me i need you to listen listen you want to get rich you want to get filthy right what's your fucking major um it's communications that's fucking horseshit you want to make money with me i got balls me thomas you think're going to get rich in animal therapy? Because I think that's like being a counselor for animals. I don't know what, like, Ben. Yeah, you think you're going to get fucking rich.

You think you're getting to talk to the horses all day and make money like me? Just weeping. She's just like, I just thought this would help me. You think you can go to business school and learn how to, well, stick with it, man. You went, where'd you go to fucking school? State school? Harvard. Business school.

You think you're going to make money as a fucking business school graduate from Harvard? I make 280K a year. I came here for advice. You should leave now. You should, uh... I, uh, didn't... Most of my clientele are nailed ladies and, uh...

And, like, girls who got pregnant too early. You should probably... Do you want to get married? Fake surprise all the time. Oh! You think I went to the Cranberry School? The Cranberry School? The Cranberry School? I'll make you so much money, I'll teach you how to cook a duck with the money. I'm teaching you.

Rotisserie style. I don't even need money no more. I have so much money. I don't even need. I go to sleep in the bathtub with the money. I wake up, I smell like a basketball. I put $100 bills in the condoms I wear. It makes it worse.

It hurts. But who cares? I make money out of fish. I make money. By the way, you're red in the face. You're so sweaty. I eat money I eat money like it's green beans

you ever had a bowl of just fucking god damn baked beans that's money to me it's money you ever had a gumdrop I'll kill you the whole everyone's left by the way you're no longer there's not a fucking soul in the audience

you're just talking to an empty fucking seat you gotta treat the money like a creepy guy i'm beating up the money i'm beating it up i'm beat everyone of the rappers say i beat it up i beat the money up thank you everybody seven and eight seven to eight hours of this in an empty like you know hyatt like conference room. This is not a goddamn... It's your money laundering scheme. You leave and you're like, I feel like I touched some souls today. Like, you dropped the intense accent.

I just... I don't know. I really spoke to some people today. I came here with a message. And I think it's safe to say I left with a message. I left with I could teach you how to draw.

I'll teach you how to draw money. People say you can't print money. That's fucking horseshit. I make money so good leave it on a winter sale. Sneaky little fox comes up and runs away with it. And he says, oh, where'd it go?

Oh, the little fox got it. He's running away. You're doing this to your driver on the way back to your car. The driver's just I get money every day, and I'm living in the city where it's every day. Getting money.

Mr. White, we don't... The meeting's over. We're heading home now. We talked about this. When the meeting's over, you don't... I don't want to buy... I could teach you how to crawl. I know how to crawl because I know how to walk and how to run.

I'm getting money like it's slime. I don't like slime. I don't like slime, Mr. White. I got money in my mashed potatoes. I don't... Listen, I don't like slime. I don't like slime, Mr. White. I got money in my mashed potatoes. I don't, listen, I don't. Listen, we're at your condo. You can get out of the car now. We've been parked in front of it for about 45 minutes.

And you, I don't need to know how to make money. I'm your driver. You pay me well. You think your dad makes a lot of, you think your dad gets rich like me from being a veteran? No, my dad died in the Gulf War. I'm at war with the money. Listen, I need you to get out of our 1998 Lincoln Down Car. I'm looking at a magic ball.

I'm beating up a gypsy lady. You feel me? For the money. I am Romani that's very offensive you you picked me up off the street said

you said you told me you said I would never say gypsy to you well Romani it's nice to meet you love you Harry Potter alright folks

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