Pendejo Time - 3 Derp Girls (Ft. Eden)

Episode Date: December 5, 2025

Tommy's Cadillac  COme to New York please 

not pre-sale gone under a minute they add another show to elsewhere and i'm sitting in the thing one of the times i did that i was about to check out and it and it reloads and it's like sorry i sold out and then SD kid yeah that's so funny because i never thought like i got into him i fucking hate sorry to sorry to all the fans there's like 45 of you in liverpool the scouse accent drives me up a goddamn wall i fucking because what are you irish you french you And that's why, because it's in the intersection of those things. But I, like, I hear Patty the Badi, the UFC fight talking, he's like, oh, me accent. Me accent is, everybody talks about me.

And I'm like, it's too pirity. And it's my fault, because I'm an American in all of our movies. If the movie is set in like 1917 Russia, there are people who have Liverpool accents in it. But as Americans were like, oh, English means Italian. You know what I mean? like gladiators and fucking are you not entertained it's like no yeah

you should speak fucking Latin or whatever the fuck they were speaking it I think it was Latin whatever I'm retarded but anyway yeah I don't I like but I like his shit I'm normally not a UK like drill guy or like a UK rage guy it drives me nuts I'm like uh oh

no that was because I left that I left that window open and aired out that's why that was it was a draft well you know who are you familiar with his producer who produced Rebel. It's Raith 9, I think, is his name. That's why it has that sound. It has more

to do with Raith than it does with SD Kid or anyone else who's on that album. What's funny is I hate to give the guy his flowers because he was not a good guy and he's dead, but like so much of what is big, which is like Rage is like it's X. Oh yeah, it is. Like the beats

that were the basses like literally. But he got that from Death Grips. No. Yeah. He, that is. Death Grips did Yes, yes, yes. Making white kids like rap, death grips did that. No, no, no. I'm talking about specifically the specific type of 808 base that's like, sorry, guys, you're going to listen to that in your car, and you're going to crash your shit.

But, like, that specific clipped out 808 is like a, I mean, maybe Zach Hill was doing it. I mean, he was doing it. Not maybe. I just don't know who was doing it first. I, because, like, in context of the type of what. Teach me how to Doug you probably. Yeah. Like a G6.

Boom, that stupid-ass floor Tom sound. Boom, or Tom Ford. Boom, boom. Oh, I like those. The blong. The beat sucks so bad. Boom, boom.

Drop it like it's a. Dude, we were listening to some bullshit. You're like, sometimes I'll like, like, I think 50 cent still holds up. But every now and then, yeah, you'll hear like, I'll hear fucking, like, like, drop it like it's hot. And you're like, this is kind of. Do. Whatever. Whenever Ludacris did a whole song bragging as Austin Powers.

Oh, yeah. Did you see that Earl sweatshirt interview where he was talking about how he approached Ludacris? And he was like, fan-girling. And Earl was like, he's like, you know, I get it. People do it to me. So he was like, I was trying to think about the right way to do it. So I go up to him and I'm like, hey, so like you've been like a crazy influence on. And what you did for the rap game and like honestly, man, like, I don't even know what to say right now.

And he said, Ludacris looks up and it's like. and then he realizes it's Earl and he goes I wish I did I wish I could say the N word but he was just like bro come on get it here and then Earl like

he said they gave him a hug or whatever but I was like that's got to be weird to like yeah also he goes get your ass over here yeah well like he's blocky on her oh yeah dude

dude she dropped that shit when she got all skinny I feel bad for yeah she turned she turned Korean for a minute and then whatever they did on the wicked set. They did something really

demonic to those women. They're fucked up. They're like ghosts. They're haunting Hollywood now. They look scary. It's very sad. Ariana's a very beautiful woman. They made her look fucking weird and scary. People got like actual

shell shock on the scene of onset of 1917. And what's that war movie with Tom Hardy and fucking what's his goddamn name? Christopher Nolan did it. The motherfucker up in one direction anyway yeah people were getting like yeah people were getting shell shot

ah the joker what the fuck what the fuck happened on the set of wicked well they i think that they were doing some sort of method acting like what's her name that played dorothy you know how they were giving her a bunch of like barbiturates and shit when and they were they were you know assaulting her and calling her fat and shit i think that they were all competing being the most that experience because also skinny's back in Hollywood like skinny's back in like it doesn't like Nicole Richie

in 2003 like I see people getting like Bucal fat removal where I'm like you don't need to do that they do though they have a they have a rat in their brain and that you feed the rat the buckle fat and then the rat goes away it stops talking all the time yeah but

then you're like give me big ass dentures the rat's like you need dude Miley Cyrus Ashley is a The biggest Miley Cyrus fan in the world. Talk about chopped ugh. Being a black celebrity is so much different. Give me a big black booty. Yeah, well, then you could do Summer Walker.

The version of that for black people is Summer Walker, where she was like super skinny and she got a BBL and it looks horrible. Yeah, because her thighs don't match. No, no. Also, it makes it like your belly weird. Like if you go to like a really shitty surgeon, like suddenly your belly looks strange, your belly buttons like, also apparently they stink

there's this if she was born later they know white would have had a BBL there's this black comedian named Cory Holcomb he's like he's like new Patrice he's got this radio show and all of the shit's like

you have a throw a woman down the stairs sometimes you gotta throw it on a fucking stair anyway he was talking about doing shows in Miami and going to the Miami daytime clubs where like there's no windows and they're open like 237 only clothes for one hour for cleaning and he was like

he's like I didn't know BBL's got to stink and all the other black guys in the room looking at him like Benjamin Franklin and like the other founding fathers like very inquisitively like no what do you mean good so stink he's like bbis smell like coinbacks and i was like and apparently what happens is like fat like and skin collects under the butt cheek and because it's a new part of your body you don't wash it so you just always walk around smelling like belly button it probably i can only imagine it like hurts and it's probably really scary because the death rate is super high.

It has like 1,000 mortality rate highest out of like any cosmetic surgery. Yeah. And I think it's just, it's scary to kind of lift it up and like wash under there. Because black women are super, they are competitive about cleanliness with each other. Like they make videos about like. We're doing race science now? No, no, no. This is a real thing they do online.

Yeah. Anyway, they have this competition, this cleanliness competition. They call the Cleanliness Olympics or so. Hygiene Olympics. that's what they call it i did talk to my best friend's black wife and i told her uh uh she she was like you don't got a wash rag and i was like no i was like why would i have a fucking rag i was like first of all i'm white trash i barely clean myself oh jake oh no you know what i mean maybe we will get you a rag no i'm joking the rag is disgusting the rag is the least

hygienic thing on earth yeah to just have a wet ass rag that you'd like it's in a it's your butt rack yeah you yeah your butt you're pussy and your arm yeah then you have to ring it out into your mouth after yeah yeah you gotta drink the liquids yeah that's what the guys that do to work do to thomas at work bro you were telling me about that guy that killed all the rats that killed people or can we talk about that on the show or no um i haven't been able to find anything proving it but apparently there was um yeah apparently there was like a swat thing it worked recently and it was like i was i think i uh called out or something but um

yes some detectives came to arrest a guy and it turned out he'd uh killed two people oh um they've been having him kill rats that whole summer

and you know it's funny as a few months ago they had they didn't warn me they just say hey you're going out killing rats today and I said oh man I don't want to do that and they said well we can't change the schedule so I went I guessed rats with a very scary Chinese man all day. I didn't like it and I didn't enjoy it.

And I said, you guys are going to have to find somebody else if you want that sort of thing done. And they did, and it was a guy. It was a guy who kills people, yeah. Wait, the guy who took you out is the guy. who killed people no that guy is just uh that's just a funky chinese guy that's a funky chinese guy i think he might be a little on the spectrum but he's very smart yeah he's like knows his shit about he knows everything about rap behavior and everything he's willard dude i are told thomas this like episode four but when i took this like api like environmental science course

um and uh it was a jack off course like you jacked the animals off no you know uh the teacher had a bunch of animals. The teacher had a bunch of... It's giving. It's giving. If I was gay and I fucked animals. One of the things that they had people do is they had a rat room and it was like the size of a closet and it was a bunch of anything, everything from pinkies to full grown lab rats, like big rats. And they had this like eight-year-old reticulated python that was like on its way out, but it still had to eat.

And they didn't want to euthanize it. And he couldn't hunt on his own. And he couldn't even like, if he put a rat in his cage, he's blind. He wouldn't know what to do with it. So you had to kill the rat and then you had to feed the snake. And so... How is that better than just putting down the snake? At least the rat's a mammal.

You have to kill all these rats for the... That's what I said. That's what I said. This stupid ass snake. This brain's this big. Anyway, so... But that job, it was what you did if you were like a bad student. You were like the rat murderer.

So I was a bad student because I would go into... the little garden area that he had where some of the, like, frogs and shit, I would smoke weed and, like, we do keyboard duster and fucking throw shit at the coy fish. And so I got caught doing that, so I got on rat murder duty. And so he was like, all right, Jacob, we're going to go kill the rat. And I was

like, oh, fuck, all right, you know. And I, and I, in my mind, I thought, I bought, like, a little Anton Chigur gun. I was like, it's going to be a little fucking poof, and then the rat's going to die. He goes, here's how you get the rat. So he goes into this fucking big ass bin. He pulls it, and he grabs this cute rat that's like this big, and

fat and he's got a little spot on his eye and he goes what you're going to want to do is he grab him by the back of his tail and you do this he goes boom and smashes the fucking rat's head on the side of this counter where the sink was and then a blood just starts pouring out of its ears and his eyes goes now we can beat it to the snake your turn

that is so so demonic and crazy I can't believe people's taxes paid for you to do that I went to I went to a really good school Ashley had to do it too But she didn't have to kill the rat She refused

But she had to clean the rat room And she would watch some of the other It was a job that the teacher would give to kids Who were like future like serial killers Yeah they like teach you guys To be sadistic to animals in Texas In the name of agriculture I'm guessing the agriculture lobby

Is what is responsible for this? Yeah yeah because like you have FFA Like Thomas will know about this Like you meet an FFA kid And he'll be like Yeah I raised a goat up Yeah yeah Billy Yeah, yeah, and you'll be like, oh, I cut his head off.

I cut his head off. He got old and you're like, what? Or they're like, oh, we put a bolt in his brain. He started eating grass too much. It's like you raise this animal that you loved and then you just chopped his head off. They're like, yeah, you know, you kill a pig five, six times a week. They just, yeah, you're just brought up with the idea that like you raise an animal, you love the animal, and then part of life is you slaughter it brutally.

Yeah. To them it's nothing. it's so crazy i feel like that might be why they're like crazy to their kids out there that and the religious stuff and the incest and stuff yeah that's no good the rape and stuff yeah yeah that's no good it's like uh it's like not sturdy oh you're from a sturdy now you from the street it's not like sturdy it's like not really something like if you touch you touch you touch you yeah if you touch your kids it's like not sturdy yeah could like it's not gonna last that what one that one like black guy podcast it was like

there's six motherfuckers in here statistically one of us touches kids have you seen that dude so there's like so and they all immediately want to fight him yeah yeah dude it's so funny because he's like he was he starts pulling out numbers he's like so the math is one in three me he was talking about like male like emotions right he's like one and three men get assaulted, but we don't talk about that shit because we men, and we hold that shit down and we take it out on people. And I was like, all right, you're making some points, man.

And he goes, and you know what else? One in six, men, do the touching. They seven of us in here right now. So that mean one of y'all touch kids and they all go, ah. They literally immediately, they're like, hey, I ain't never done none of that. I ain't never done none of that.

And the guy, like, turns his hat back and goes into like turbo mode. And he's like, hey, I know what ain't me and I know it ain't Mick because I know mix as he was three and mix like no I never touched no kids it's like and my Tommy Tommy lived down the way and I always I've seen Tommy and so he starts pointing at the other three guys and then so so okay big D maybe you and he's like I ain't never done nothing I swear and I was and it went on for like I don't know Thomas I'm talking about for like two and a half hours that that moment of that show like it could

have been a thing that was like hey man I think that stat is wrong And then you move on But it was just like No, I don't D 30 year He never touched no damn Ever And I was like Would they have started

Pointing the finger at him I feel like he's the most suspicious Right You just melt it delta type of yeah Yeah yeah yeah Quite possibly Room full of white guys That stat probably holds up

No there's no white pedophiles There's black pedophiles We're the best that white guys Like you know how the whole 1351 thing You know that thing? Oh yeah Yeah

So we're white guys are that for but for molesting did you not know that we molested a rate that is like insane white guys do and that's just what people know about too right guys yeah yeah we're like

yeah if you're a girlfriend and your boyfriend's white me and him through the headphones just did a little fist bump yeah yeah yeah I'd be doing nothing I'd be doing none of that I'll be popping the bottles glasses

I guys we were just talking about two hollis I like being in the car when I was in the car on the way to the airport and I was like listening to jeans and I just like being in my car being I just don't know what's happening so I'm like he's see that's me so I'm like I love this shit dude dude I don't text for my jeans you can't play it in the car in front of anybody like I can't like I can't but I'm like damn this kid's fucking making some new shit that's cool and I'm trying to fucking go along with it and I'm like and then when I read the lyrics i was like these don't make any more sense than whenever i just i was just speaking guys do i speed sometimes i'm sucking on feet like i'm sucking on feet so that was it i was like i should have just kept saying sucking on feet the other lyrics make less sense than that put your body on my jeans i'm like what are you what is that you guys are keying right now yeah yeah yeah i'm like like the only thing i get out of that is when it cuts and he goes double text when i leave and i'm like yeah have you heard his other songs there's some way

hornier's enough yeah yeah like cliche like poster boy and all that shit no poster boys hey come on that's family fun yeah yeah yeah there's what's the other one where he's like he starts off kind of talking like drake where he's like i know i've been gone from the city for a minute you know what i'm talking about it's so his it's amazing it's cool when young artists uh i'm a big geese cameron winter fan and i like going back and listening to his shit when he was like in music school because it's like oh you're just doing prints because you were like taking a prince and like and now he's like talking he's like I go everywhere the ghost goes and it's like oh you started you've been listening to frank zappa right now like I love

listening to really young artists because it's like and when they get famous early you can watch them do what anybody would do which is like I used to be really into black flag and so I had like a band when I was 16 that was just black flag and then I stopped listening to black flag and started to listen to modest amount so you see what happens with the year young kids where I'm sure five years ago in that one song that I'm talking about dropped to Hollis was probably listening to Drake because the song literally starts off with no beat the hell of reverb on the mic and he's like when the city comes and I'm in the city with you and you ain't in the city and it's like okay and then like now you're like oh you're listening to

like geeks right now probably you know or whatever like it just it cracks me up yeah he's funny because it's like he he is obvious he is obviously he is obviously he is obviously having a really easy time socially in a way that I feel like a lot of young musicians don't like there's not a lot of like young white guys that are like getting super cocky when they're like 19 years old I feel like that is something that is not white guys get woody at yes well that's that's a new thing back in the day I'm a big oasis fan it used to be that if you got famous as a musician when you were like 19 you were Liam Gallagher that's what you you were like fuck off everybody suck me paint like you were just like you were you were you

rock you were Johnny rotten like if you got famous when you were 19 you were like eh yeah yeah if you're like Henry Rollins he got famous when he was 20 and every video of him is like calling everyone in the audience of fag and saying he's gonna kill them like you were an angry guy and now I feel like it's the since the peep and xx tentations phenomenon every guy is like yeah it's cool I guess yeah they do the Mac Miller thing where they're like no it's okay so it is cool to see a guy like that be like I'm famous as fuck and I look like a girl

and I be writing songs about jeans like it's it's cool same thing with the whatever that dude from geese yeah same deal have you listened to Hollis's friends whose music like sucks ass he like makes he like hands them tracks on a plate of their music all fucking hobby are so based

I'm not familiar with him I'm thinking of like Romulus and then Nate Sib he's kind of okay Romulus music I've never heard a good song I don't like Avi are so based he's just good looking I thought it was Xavier Sobiz. I'm still from Texas. Javier Sobizza.

Javier Sobasi. My name is Javier Sobesi. I miss the rage. No, I don't like Netspent. I see I don't fuck with. No, Netspen's music sucks, but he's like really cute. So you can tell there's some like disgusting pedophiles behind the scenes that are like, we want to keep him in the picture.

Dude, that's like the Matt Ox kid. He talks, dude, he been talking about his life. is nuts because he's like Amanda binds of little yes dude yeah yeah he was he was like you know the fidget spender music video and the interview was like yeah he's like I was off like 10 sticks on that thing and they were like holy and he was like 12 they were like who gave me the sticks and he was like I don't know I was like what the fuck get out of there dude there's a type of white kid that grows up in southern California like a little boy that becomes really cool probably through skating and gets exposed to that stuff super young I remember going to this house party

on Halloween when I was 19 and it was like for like on the precipice of being clouded guys and they just had a nine year old boy at the party smoking feed with everybody

me and Thomas talk about this and that's how we met like I grew up in the it's not obviously not nearly as cool but like the Galveston Bay Area and it was the same thing like I think it's like a I think it's like an ocean person I called beach

scum thing where like you'd go party at this dude's beach house and you would be 15 and he would be like 28 and then he would have a 16 year old girlfriend and you're like I had told Thomas this I was like I remember being 15 being like I can't wait to be 28 with a 15 year old girlfriend when you're

a teenager because you're allowed to be attracted to other teenagers they're going to clip that not fucked no we've all been there but like but when I was Jake's attracted to teenagers hell me too yeah I can't wait to be 28 with a 15 year old girlfriend either

I remember like I would see you know what kind of cool guy the guy that brings the beer he brings the beer in the cigarettes and you'd be like dude I can't wait to fucking bring cigarettes to a party and everyone goes yo anyway there would be like

there would be like somebody's a little brother there that's 11 and he's just like smoking a cigarette you know what's your name and he's like Connor and you're like what the fuck are you doing here and he's like what the fuck are you doing here and he says the N word

and you're like oh shit no you're I'm sorry my bad I this is your house The worst is staying in your hometown like one year too long. Yeah. And you slightly become that guy a little bit to your friends who you were friends with in high school. Yeah. But you just happen to be like a year and a half older than them or whatever. Yeah.

Like especially whenever, because the drinking age was 18. No, it wasn't. Yeah. When did you grow up? 1934. Okay. Actually, no, it wasn't 18. That was when I could start buying beer, though.

through my wiles but yeah I remember like one time like a I remember one time being in a situation where I realized oh my God am I becoming like the older guy at a party at a high school party

and I like never went to a party again I was like oh as soon as I even slightly that registered I was like oh no I'm becoming a loser never mind i do feel bad for boys because as soon as you guys stop being cute no one's nice to you anymore like as soon as you're not like a little boy everyone is like you better man the fuck up that's not true i i i i i respectfully disagree okay if you have a certain type of boyish features forever and i am saying this as i get away with shit i should not get away with that's true jake i get

away with like, I'm just kidding. No, no, no. I know, but like, if you have like, like, I, like, people. That's what I'm saying, though. As soon as you stop being cute, if you continue being a little cutie, like, they think

you're a little cutie boy, that's different. But if you are like a big ass kid, oh yeah, yeah. They tell you to fuck off. Like, they're not nice to you about it. But when you're a girl, you can be a week, there's like weird, creepy girls that stay hanging out with, like,

high school kids or like, Yeah, and they just, like, think it's fucking normal. Yeah, yeah. I think, like, I think, well, it's, it's like, there's also, like, pretty privilege, right? Where it's like, if you're, if you're, like, a cooler looking older guy, you, like, for what it's worth, like, I, like, you know, playing in punk bands and shit, like, you see a cool, like, red bar looking motherfucker and he's got, like, a 20-year-old girlfriend, and you go, she wants to fuck him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She wants to, and people are like, put the age gap, and I'm like, that girl, she, he's weird, but she's weird. She has a weird thing with her dad, and this is helping in a way.

It's not. It's making it way worse, but she'll talk about it 10 years in therapy when she's happily married. It'll be okay. Yeah. But if that guy has a big punch belly and he's like balding, it's that HR meme where it's like, hey, Helen. You know what I mean? If he's like that, then he has the same, the male equivalent where it's a, it's a fat, balding, older guy. And then there's like a hot gay guy with him.

Oh, you see that every once in a small where that's like, oh, that's like a producer or something that's very true or have you guys I don't know if you guys have seen this recent video I think it's um Ralph Lauren and his boyfriend I think or maybe it's Calvin Klein I think he's Calvin Klein his boyfriend one of these like gay American designers his boy he is like he looks like Richard Dreyfus in that Bill Mayer episode yeah yeah yeah and the boyfriend is like looks like Tyler the Twitter kid yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah did I so in Austin like like people in the the audience audience, the type of the couple that I see more than just like hipster couple is like 900 year old like Patrick Stewart gay guy with like with like a with a guy who I'm like you're drinking alcohol. So you're 21. But one of those like gay guys who's like I'm going to start moisturizing when I'm 12. Yeah. And so you're like it's so you're like I do the thing again where when I see the age gap with the guy go you know what this.

You're a boy, I don't care. You're a boy. Fight him, okay? If it's that big of a deal, go fight him. He's an old man. You can run away. This is Robbie. He's my boy.

Yeah. Yeah, but they talk like that. They're like, hello Jake, wonderful set. This is my boy, Robert. And he's like, hi. And you're like, oh, you're out of your mind. Show him your suspenders. Have you seen Rick Owen's husband or boyfriend or whatever the fuck?

Yeah, he's gay. Yeah, he's such a perver. He's like all over the place. He'll do anything and anyone. Yeah. I mean like I don't I don't want to like feed into the like gay guy like I don't want to feed into the negative stereotype of that my my thing about that is there's jail bait on the heterosexual side that with the biggest Reddit page forever was our slash jail bait about him is not that he's gay it's that he does like demonic orgy stuff oh yeah that's like Brian Singer stuff yeah yeah so it's okay to say make fun of his weird gay relationship and his old ass witch wife yeah that's that's that's funny as fuck you know who a rumor has it allegedly is is is uh is or was gay, his partner died. Johnny Rotten,

his lead singer, the sex pistols. Really? I'm a big, big punk fan, bunk history fan, and he has had a manager for like 30 years,

and he was married for 30 years too, and these guys just slept in the same hotel bed together. And he's like, this is me best mate. His name is also, John. And Henry Rollins. Yeah, yeah.

Henry Rollins was actually doing this Q&A, and he was like, yeah, I got to a fight with Johnny Rotten at a punk panel one time, and his manager was there. And somebody was like, why did you do air quotes? He goes, oh, it's his gay fucking lover.

Everybody knows it, me, Markey Ramon, the guys from the fucking damned. We all know. We have been sucking each other off since the 80s. And it's like, Henry, I don't think you were supposed to say that. They all were doing it? Yeah, well, no, no, no. Like, everyone knew that Johnny was doing it.

It's just, it's like an open secret or whatever. Allegedly. Yeah. Mr. Rotten. Well, you were your... I mean, he named his band after penis, so... No, his manager named him that. Named them sex pistols.

The manager, they didn't want. want to call it sex pistols what do they want to call it swankers that sucks which is also like penis yeah oh that oh my god you guys are fucking sick and this is what we mean when we say yeah they do believe in clues they do be leaving clues yeah yeah yeah they do be leaving clues oh fucking god damn dude i love i love when i feel like i've been podcasting for like nine years and it's like half an hour yeah are you picking dolly hair off my fucking sock you're about to get a visit from the tickle monster dude oh dude don't be doing that to me dude a visit from the tickle monster would hit right now

call him on the phone get him get him on the horn oh no no my closer tear away oh fuck I'm naked I hate being naked uh fucking what's the goddamn oh dude 50 cents you see 50 cents

diddy documentary no we should watch that tonight dude so there was like you and that motherfucker Eden's just in the back like in the B roll so there's like an interview with you're crocheting in the B-roll yeah yeah it's like an old

breakfast club interview from like 10 years ago with 50 cent where he's like they're talking about he's like fuck that motherfucker his day's coming his day's fucking coming because they've had beef forever uh and then yeah he like he compiled a bunch of footage and interviews and stuff of like puff daddy like over the years it's like it's like R Kelly documentary where he's like he's going to make another one where he's like I don't know how to hogtow people like he's going to have his you know thing or maybe he'll get out of jail. If Trump pardons ditty, that would be so awesome. He's definitely

gonna pardon ditty. Probably will, yeah. Yeah. Dude, you know, I don't keep thinking... Can't stop, won't stop. Yeah. Is that his song? Oh, maybe he'll become a guy in Mar-a-Lago. He'll start performing at Mar-Lago. Everybody loves Mar-a-Lago. What is Mar-a-Lago? Is that a golf course?

Yeah, it's a golf course slash big mansion he has out there. I see, and you get to stay in his mansion? You get to stay in his house? He's got like a guest house where, like, Elon lived for a while. yeah that is so homoerotic he lived in his guest house oh dude there's like my favorite one of my favorite uh instagram guys is the guy who he's the big time gay guy who mouths trump speak but he does it with all the mannerisms and he'll be he's like oh yeah henry queller yeah we got him out we bailed him out he's uh he's my best friend he's a good friend of mine and he's doing the because trump doesn't

use the but he's like here he's doing gay guy talk he's not doing gay guy hands yeah and so he adds the thing and it realizes makes me realize like he clearly is like a queenie New York guy like through and through. You know how like gay guys are copying black women do you think yeah something just fell in the other room do you think in his

do you think Trump is also in his mind copying black women? I'm getting I feel like we should check on that room but it won't it was for the suitcase that I haven't oh okay okay um my theory is modern gay guys started copying black women in the late 80s only 90s but if you go back and you

look like if you watch old John Waters movies, they weren't copying black women. They were copying Jewish women. So a lot of the drag girls, like a lot of the drag girls in John Waters movies, they all talked like Fran Drescia. They would all have their makeup on and they would talk like Fran Drescia or any of the other girls. And then like over time, like it became like girl, you know, but they would they would take on the affectation of like a rich Upper West Side Jew. Is Jewish bad? Jake, hey, but it's a little Jewish among friends. Well, Laura Lumer calls herself a Jewess. Because she thinks that she's, she thinks she's sexy for some reason, even though she looks like she has a helmet installed on her face. Have you seen that video of her, like, harassing that guy? No. That party.

Dude, it's, it just, it didn't just hit the scene, but it resurfaced again. She's at this party. She's drunk and she's like, your hair is so flowy. And she's fucked up and the guy's like, hey, thanks. And she's like, oh my God, I just wanted to. touch it starts running her fingers through his hair and he's like hey i've got a i've got a wife like lord it's nice to see it it was like it wasn't a t p usa thing but it was like a conservative youth conference she's like no no no no you gotta let me touch your hair again like she's trying

sober she like wasn't fucked up on pills she was fucked up okay but it's like it's like oh i know this all makes sense now yeah you're trying to you're just want to suck dick yeah this was your avenue to get as much toad as you could get in that mouth of yours You know what I mean? Like, as much fucking cane toad as you could suck on. Like, fucking, I hate her, dude. You know that if you took a fucking pot shot at her shit, Kirk style, it would bounce off her head and make a Liberty Bell sound.

It was, boom, like, I can't stick. I'm trying to get, like, that low-key. You're trying to make your head look like a, like, Lord Farquad helmet? I'm trying to, I'm trying to go full, like, like, crazy-looking. Dude, she got... And I'm joking, obviously. Her cheeks filled to the point where it looks like she has goggles under her skin. Maybe she's on HGH, huh?

Maybe, dude. But the rest of her body... Her skin is always so warm. Yeah. She looks crazy. It's like, um, like... Because her problem is she did everything but the surgery. That's why she looks fucking scary.

Yeah. If she had just went to a surgeon, she could have looked like a hot lady. Yeah. But instead she's like too, obviously too scared to just have a full on transformation. so she goes little by little to the fucking the nurse that puts a little bit here, a little bit there and she's basically filling your face with fucking cement.

Yeah, it looks crazy. She looks like a fucking sleep paralysis mask. If I didn't agree with her politics, I would have some awful stuff to say about her. I bet fucking her sounds like church bells, dude. Dong, dong, dong. Dude, sorry. Is this out of the gun slapping the back of her head?

We're getting that noise complaint Sorry, I forget y'all got neighbors that are Yeah, we're always stomping on her shit too Like we're always being loud as fuck We're always dropping stuff Everyone that lives and like next to me is a college kid Or they're like a party animal bartender So we're just allowed to like fucking

Can you hear them? Yeah, they can, yeah, I can hear them Damn, she can definitely hear all the racist stuff we would say No, you really can't hear much Because I can't I've gone up the stairs At the same time as other people And gone in first

And listened And I never heard their door close Okay, cool That makes me feel better Sometimes I haven't really Checked far beyond that either Yeah, I've been kind of like Putting my ear into their apartment door

And then seeing what I can hear Nothing Sometimes I hear the neighbor's fuck And the guy busts super fast Ew I was kidding But yeah Yeah, no.

Does he lay it down, though? I do think he lays it down. It does seem like he's got... Nice. He's laying it down pretty nice. I know he puts her into spasms. I bet she reaches probably a full orgasm if his stroke game is super high. Yeah?

And I bet his tongue and fingers game is awesome. It's too. Really badass. You start talking about it like guys who play street fighter talk about the game boards. Yeah, I used to fuck with my old coworker Mike like that. Oh, yeah, dude. He pissed off because he talked about fucking his wife. I'd be like, dude, I bet you pleasureed the

fuck out of her. Yeah. He'd be like, yeah, I fucking did. It was easy. I'd be like, oh, I bet it was easy for you. It'd be hard for me if I took a go at it. But you fucking stud, you could tear that asshole up. Yeah.

Did you use your 10 inches on her? Yeah, I did it for my full fucking 10 inches. He claimed to have a 10 inch penis, but he also... Wasn't he like 5 foot 4? This was a white guy. He was about my height. Oh, okay.

But beat red. So 5'5. Yeah. About 5-1. But yeah, then he had a heart attack and they started calling him heart attack, Mike. The, the, whenever I was working at that plant, if I wanted the guys to stop messing with me or like, fuck with me, I would, I would just like, I would like, I'd be like, yeah, dude, Sunday was crazy. I got my shit blown out crazy. Because they're all homophobic and stuff and they're like, they'll call you gay if you like, and like, or if you, like, misplaced.

a tool or like do whatever and I and so like they would just like they'll just bully you and like it's just the way the jobs it is and so if I wanted to be left alone I was like yeah some guy be like yeah dude like I went out I went out to timeout number three which is just this bar like by the lake by where we work and like dude I took home this like fucking hot ass girl and then he shows you a picture of like Fiona in shred form he's like look look at her and you're like that's great awesome and I was like yeah I did I was sucking off like two three guys Sunday night and they all came like so much they came so much come and then one of them fucked me a bunch probably like a couple hours oh no I do fuck fuck all that you gay I'm like

dude I'm so gay that's becoming a problem in my personal life and they're like they'll leave you alone for a few hours then one of them will come back hey you're really gay and I go nah I'm not I'm not then they text you to like hey you're really gay actually hey do you want to come over to my boat house where I live that's the dream dude that was houseboat and then you work at a job where you die when you're like 45 from chemical exposure like that's the that's where i'm from that's the life you move on to a boat in galveston bay and then you work on an oil rig and you make like 250 grand a year but you make 250 grand a year for like 20 years because you die from exposure to like benzene what's the alternative like what are

they running from uh no like your alternative is to leave uh go somewhere else yeah houston and then all the surrounding areas is like called the carcinogenic coast like as a joke but like that's like if you're if you grow up around there your jobs are a chemical plant or go to college elsewhere like literally leave there's no there's no or you can work in fast food or a restaurant or something but most of the restaurants are Spanish restaurants and they're like Spanish speaking restaurants or you can sell Cadillacs yeah yeah or you can sell Cadillacs to uh to the fucking bros who work at the oil field yeah to anybody yeah to any race of guy that would want to buy I sell Cadillacs to white folks.

I sell Cadillacs to black folks. I'll sell Cadillacs to an Asian. You come down here, get you a Cadillac. Tommy's Cadillac. In a Cadillac, everybody's white. In a Cadillac, everybody's wife. Here at Tommy's Cadillac, you get in a pink Cadillac, you're a white lady.

You get in a black Cadillac, you're a white man. You're in a white Cadillac, you're an Asian man, but you're also white. Hey, that's how it goes. And that's how it is it, Thomas Cadillac. Sir, maybe for the next commercial, we don't have 10 seconds of silence in here. Pay for it. Pay for every second. It's all important. They need all of it. Maybe for the next episode, could you not say everybody's wide at Tommy's Cadillac.

Tommy White's Cadillac Everybody's White Everybody's white In the Cadetland Yeah I know it's your name man But you think you could come up with a better catchphrase It's just you know racial tensions are pretty high

Hmm Tommy Black's Catalanx White or Black No matter how you stack Tommy White's cat Get your shit jack In a big Cadillac Oh dude

that I always wanted an Escalade Because I used to watch all the Houston Rap music videos And I was like God I can't wait to have an escalate God I can't wait to fucking put an escalate on 28s You know that it's funny

The only two types of people that drive escalades Are black guys And the whitest of white women of all times Escalades It'll That is an Arab Arab Arab guy But that feels like a more

Like a New York thing I don't see that too much down south anymore In Dallas that's a thing Yeah Dallas is true Yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah we have a special one in our hearts his friend Alex shout out to Alex

that one time where he was maybe he shouldn't have been driving that night I saw the picture one of the funniest pictures on the curb in our street he parked on our neighbor's water their double check valve the meter reader like the no like in ground yeah like yeah where you read

the meter yeah yeah but like where it's the plumbing It's connected On top of that cover That was one of the funniest pictures I've ever seen you were like Alex came over last night And I was like That's so awesome

You also told me one time I don't know if it was the same night Where he like showed up blackout drunk And then he was bored And so he just went and worked at the gas station For like three hours Like he worked at the cast register All fucked up

Y'all went out drinking or something He was like I'm bored I gotta go fucking So he just went and worked at the gas station Which is so awesome Yeah Imagine having a place where you could just go 24 7 And then like talk to psychos

Do you get A place you could show up drunk 24-7 and not good enough and then make money yeah make good money yeah yeah make good money it's uh the people the guy that owns the gas station like my favorite gas station by my place that's the thing about texas you'll have a favorite gas station yeah yeah yeah it's called the yellow store and it's painted like a big twisted tea oh yeah yeah that's interesting design no yeah yeah did you think they hired someone to do that i think twisted tea like sponsors them that's Fucking awesome.

God. I wish my life could be that good someday. Dude, I wish we could get a fucking twisted tea sponsorship and we can get fucking twisted tea before we record. Dude, I'd stobby has one. I'm like, I need to get a fucking twisted tea.

Oh, that fucking little pig has one. Yeah, yeah, he does have one. Next, he's going to get SD kid on his fucking show and I'm going to be real piss. I love that his ads are like, his ads are the stuff that he uses. It's dick pills and twisted tea. And it's like all that he's like,

That's all he has. That's really nice. Shout out to the big boy. Oh, yeah. I was going to go see him. I forgot. I had something going on. I forget.

Sorry, my feet are in your shit. That's okay. He should tone it on the crowd work. Hey, stop. If you're listening to this, big fan of Comtown, hey, tone it down on the crowdwork.

It sucks ass. Dude, it's become such a thing. Like, I hate doing it. I'll do it at shows, like for podcast shows. Yeah, I straight up do not know how to do it. and the crowd sucks the crowd doesn't say anything funny the last time i tried to do anything on it

um i was bombing at that audition thank you guys for buying tickets to that and um i did couldn't see who i was talking to and i told an old black lady to suck my dick that's good thomas she was heckling oh i didn't know that she said yikes i didn't know she was all and i said yikes suck my dick And then I slapped it off And then I got the crowd back on my side Yeah, and then she sucked it You should put your balls through your pains Yeah, there's a church group up there

Why don't bring your church group To an open mic audition The fuck Go do karaoke or something church groups like to do We're just We're gonna, there's plenty of clean Here's how you get clean comedy for your church Every comedian who wants to make money

You're taking to the casino in a major market learns clean material so they can do churches. That's like cruise ships and... That's how musicians survive as they do... They play for church bands. Yeah.

You can make a fuck ton of money being like a Royal Caribbean comedian. Met a dude on line... You met a dude on Grindr? He was a cruise ship comedian. No, I met him. He was cruising. He was cruising.

Yes, got him. Got his ass. Raped. Met him all. on the Carnival cruise ship and I was like, does this shit pay good? And he was like, yeah, but you have to have a half an hour of clean material and a half an hour of dirty material. Because then you do like the kid show. And I was like, there's a stand-up kid show.

And he's like, yeah, it's kid-friendly. Because what the fuck else are the kids going to do? It's a cruise. Okay. Here's what my opener would be for the kids show. All right, I come out, music playing. Spallet on me. Whoa, yeah.

I got them like, good evening. Hey, kids, don't you always wish you can fuck it? A fucking director immediately They throw the acre down immediately Yeah, yeah, yeah House lights come down, everything This is the one thing we didn't want him to say I couldn't, I remember like trying to submit a tape

To Royal Caribbean To Kevin Spacey Yeah, yeah I was like here's a zoomed-in 30-minute video Of my asshole, Kevin, can you get me in the movies? Yeah Yeah, I remember trying to submit to tape it was like okay and then now 30 minutes

of clean material and I was like yeah I don't have that I wouldn't even know where I would film that what's most of your material about I guess I'll find out tomorrow but maybe we could get a little sneak peek huh it's literally pretty much the same stuff I've been doing like six months no no a lot of it's new but she hasn't been to a show since our last show here that's true that is true I didn't see you guys the last show here

you guys did that show when I was gone oh yeah then probably sometime when was the last time maybe Chicago yeah maybe Chicago maybe lemon party when you guys did it that first like oh yeah yeah then it was probably lemon party when i opened up for ben and sean gardini was there shang gillis yeah when she came up yeah that's last time i saw you and then the last time i saw thomas must have in chicago or i guess also lemon party in fort worth you saw me last year at one point here oh i did huh i did

yeah uh i've been working on a bunch of new shit hell yeah trying to get to an hour to where i can just go working on anything i just fucking gave up i'm just kidding i'm just the midwest tour was fun j t's fun he's getting he's gonna have a baby shout out to j t congratulations yeah he's gonna leave us i'm not gonna say what race baby it's a white baby it's a big white baby that'll be nice we'll see he uh never mind i'm gonna be j t's night nurse yeah that that so they gave us the comedy condo at the detroit independent thing did you hear about the old man no there's an old man so in the instructions so they send you this google doc file

and in the instructions it's like a layout of the condo right and then it's like how big is this place you to fucking lay out yeah and then but then it says there's a door in the hallway do not interact with the door do not knock on the door and then in big bold letters it says howe lives here he's lived here his whole life he owns both buildings you will be sharing the space with how please do not knock on or interact with the third door the left of the staircase.

So like in the condo there's three floors. The first floor is like a stage room for the improv sketch they do like not doing sketch people shit. The second floor is the condo that we have and then there's like

a third floor you can just go up where like an old motherfucker lives. Wow. We're in there. I'm pissed drunk. I fucking went on a journey and ate a bunch of Indian food and threw up on the side of the road

and then they came up much later. I got food poisoning and Irish goodbye and by food poisoning I mean I drank a bunch of alcohol and ate a bunch of fucking swarma You're kind of like if a dog Was allowed to be a human for a day

But every day Yeah yeah yeah for sure Yeah yeah yeah yeah I like I tell Ashley Like I'm like yeah I think I Like once every few months I'll tell Ashley I'm like I think I can do like a little I think I can do like a little bit of

I think I'll be right if I do like a little bit of heroin And she's like no And I go yeah you're right She's literally it's like a dog that like goes to bite the shoes and you go no yeah no I'm like I was like baby do I think I could like just I think I could do like an oxy like one oxy 30 and she's like no how bad is a little battery it smells awesome yeah right yeah it's like a dog that's like what if I ate the remote and got sick Hank did that the other day piece of shit he ate a remote he ate something

and he diary it everywhere for like three days in the house yeah yeah oh no like projectile yeah Did he ruin anything? I want a rug, yeah. Oh, no. Well, he's a bit, like, he's a hound dog. So, like, he's like, that smells good. Because my nose works really good. He's a dog.

And then that thing will be like a bobby pin. Oh. Or it'll be like one of my socks. And he'll chew shit up, but he won't spit it out. He's a fucked up little creature. I love him to death. He's all right. We've been spraying everything in the house with this bitter spray.

And I've watched him. He used to chew the corners of the couch. you spray it and he'll go up and he'll go and he'll look at us like because he loves to chew corners of stuff like he gets his whole mount on it and like rips all the cotton out so we just spray every corner of everything

and he'll look it and go I wonder have you guys ever thought about you know how like hamsters have like a big thing of chalk in their enclosure so they can scratch? What if you got him like a big log and you like nailed it to the wall

and then he can chew the log? he likes to choose stuff that we interact with because he wants attention so like he'll straight up piss on your shoes oh good he doesn't do a full pee he'll mark them and he'll look at you when he does it he's not that he's not house trained he's a house trained dog but if you're i'm watching tv or i'm working or i'm on a work call he'll look at me he'll go over to my boots and go and pee on just a little pee oh my god he just marks them and i got to smoke him out he can Chill, give him some little weird, little Delta 8. I bought him some CBD treats, and he was just walking around the house, like, oh.

Doing, like, how he would, like, look at me and he'd go, ooh. He would, like, how old is he? He's two now. Oh, maybe he'll mellow out. Yeah, yeah, he will soon. Oh, dude, so Jana and Caleb have this, or Tanna, Jana, Jana. Jana, Jana and Caleb have the same breed of dog, only he's a little shorter. Phil.

Yeah, he's a Malinual mix, like Hank is. And I was petting him And I was like Caleb I'm asked you a question He's like yeah I was like we got like the same breed of dog man How is he? And he goes oh he's a piece of shit

He's a piece of shit I hate him so much And the dogs just like like like this And Jenna was like Yeah he was pretty much like Impolorable for two and a half years And like you give him another year This was last time I was in New York Give him another year he'll even out

Yeah he's kind of sort of the chill out But he's still a bit of a piece of shit Yeah that's true When they first got him He sounded really stressful Phil But now they love him so much It was actually his birthday, not that, like, a week ago. Yeah, I love Hank.

He's, like, a super affectionate dog, very sweet. He, like, refuse it. He does the thing that you see in, like, farm trail cams where, like, so, like, Great Pyrenees will sleep on the sheep. Yeah. He sleeps on me and Ashley. Oh. Like, he's like, all right, I got this shit locked down in bedtime. All right, I'm going to do you guys.

Because he'll, like, he'll hurt us, too, sometimes. Or he'll, like, like, if you guys don't go to bed on time, he gets pissed. Dude, if we stay up in the living room and watch TV, he'll stand at the bed. room door and go, oh, like just start howling and piling at the door, and then we get in there, and then he will stand on the bed because we're not in bed.

And we'll lay down, and then dude, he fucking lays his long as fuck. He's almost as tall as Ashley when he stands. He's a big out. He's like this big. He'll lay across both of us, and he's just out in like two seconds. But he's like, guys, the coyotes are coming. We got to go to sleep. Because in his stupid ass dog brain, he's like, guys,

you can't be up this late. There's bears, snakes, fucking window goes whatever i mean odie would do that if odie was big odie would be the same fucking way like as soon as it hits and like 10 o'clock odie will stand around or if you're just home at any point during the day he will sit like at the edge of the doorway staring at you and then if you don't notice he's there he'll walk over and you'll try to invite him to hang out with you here and he'll just he won't like you'll put him on the couch he'll get off and he'll just leave you to the bed he wants to nap with you oh nice yeah then he sleeps on you nice

It's lovely. I like that. Yeah, I like an affectionate pit. Sometimes I'll do that and then I'll close my eyes too fast and he's not done checking me out and then he'll just put his mouth like into my mouth as I, my eyes are closed. And I just taste like meat. Right before you all moved out of the Fort Worth spot, he like scared the absolute

fucking daylights out of me because I had like, I was like, you know those like, Right before, like, sleep and awakefulness where your thoughts are all sporadic and you're like, you know, pebble, shoe, shoe rock, pebble, Mr. Wiggles. And, like, your brain's just kind of firing off the end of the day's, you know, steam or whatever. And I was just, I was very, like, kind of blah, blah, blah. And I just, like, I get this, like, eerie fucking evil, like, sleep paralysis. And I, like, I open my eyes and I can't move. It's Odie. And he's, like, on my chest.

And he's, like, staring at me. And then my body comes out of the paralysis and, you know, it like, it like jerks up. And he just does one. And he's old. I felt bad. He does one jump from the bed, clears the whole bedroom and then he's out the door. He jumped like 10 feet. I was like, dog, you can't be doing that.

You're like 15 years old. And we're always like, why doesn't he go to different rooms? Why does he only stay in the one room? Yeah, yeah. He was like, look, he was like, you don't belong in here. I don't like your kind. Bucking white boy. I like that about him.

Lily is like, she will let you come up to her, but she won't necessarily come up to you versus him. He's like a little more suspicious. He kind of tests it a little more. Who are you? Yeah. Eden, I haven't seen,

I don't think I've seen you since we stayed with your mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I tell you about like, like, oh man, this is, this is really funny. This is about my mom. She's very sweet. She didn't. think she meant it in this way but we're sitting we're sitting on the couch like this oh emma's emma's on

like the chair right and she starts asking me about myself you know and and i'm an open book to anybody you know and uh i was like oh you know my father passed away recently too and she goes oh how old plus you know it was like 53 and she goes oh what happened do you have heart attack and i was like no suicide she goes oh i'm so sorry and then she like had a thought and she goes your mother how old is and I was like 45 and she goes your parents

they meet your father was 25 and your mother 15 and I go yeah and she goes

ah your father's pet five and I can't do Thomas Thomas is sitting next to me and he's like

he goes I'm going to go I'm going to grab some food walks out and I'm just sitting there I can see the years turning in her head and I was thinking no okay and then I would think okay

probably a vague Jake answer here then you just say the exact thing I'd go okay all right so we're going and there's no stopping her too once she gets that yeah you can't that's like that's like a vomit like thing that she can't stop doing it one time I'm I don't know if I've told you this story Jake but Thomas knows the story very well I have a very close friend that's Palestinian and when I was 18 I brought her over like the one time I was like you know what maybe it'll be okay yeah she's had me over a bunch of times it was always great like yeah let's have her meet my mom and she meets my mom and my mom immediately starts like lecturing her about like you know they get

they get free school like they get all this stuff like they can vote and my friend's just like yeah okay and like super sweet about it I my mom remembers that She I remember her looking at me and going and you see my daughter now she wants to kill me And I was like let's just go dude your brother was cracking me up because he's like he's like Locked in on gaming and and I'm I'm sitting there eating something that she had made me And and your mom like I was drinking she she offered me like a sparkling water and I was drinking it And she was like you've seen the footage from the house helmet the helmet they show the footage where they throw the baby into the fire and your

brother goes well he doesn't want to hear about that i was like i'm hearing like i'm hearing c s go noises like all right you take cover left like three hey he doesn't want to fucking hear about the helmet video and your mom's like i've returned it i me and the and the reason that i relate to that so much is because me and my mom are the same way My mom is your mom, but, like, Southern Baptist, like, my mom, we were actually, I was talking to your brother about it, like, and Thomas a little bit. Like, my mom, your brother was like, oh, I think she's just been on TikTok too much. And I was like, my mom, too. Because my mom is on the side of TikTok that's like, Gavin Newsom is having sex with two-year-old girls.

And you're like, what? The site I'm on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, yeah. and yeah we I told my mom I was like because she was like really she was getting like October 7th arrangement syndrome in a way that was like really bad for her like she was like going like to the doctor and the doctor was like your blood pressure is really high and she was like well you know after all

that's happened yeah and I was like and she told me she did get it all off her phone she did yesterday follow me on Instagram I did block her yeah um my mom and I don't yeah I can't I did I mean it was the story I had up, it looked like I got a bunch of jizz on my legs from when I spilled a candle. I was trying to light a candle at my friend's birthday, and I tipped it all over myself, all over my phone, all over like my security key for work and shit. Anyway, the thing with my mom, though, she apologized. She knows she's being, she knows she's doing something inappropriate. She just can't help it. Yeah, my mom's the same way. Yeah, she doesn't have an inner monologue, which is actually

really good for her I'm learning is like people who talk to themselves out loud are better off and they like keep a lot of their mental faculties later in life versus people who like don't do that so I'm glad about that but no she can't keep her thoughts in her brain I have to tell my mom like Ashley's like half Mexican yeah my mom will be like literally like we'll be like uh I want them to put them all in one fucking bus and send them right back to where they fucking came from and Ashley's just sitting there like sick yeah and like because her mom you know whatever and uh and then like Ashley will leave and I'm like you know like like like like literally 50% of Ashley's family is like undocumented yeah and she's like I don't mean them you know I mean just people I'm like

people people like them yeah people like them the ones who rape and do all the crimes well because my mom like the ones like DJ Call it yeah the ones like Nav we got to get I have out of here. She was watching like right after October 7th. She was watching like One American News where it was like fake footage of a bunch of guys

in like in headdresses like going over a border. And it wasn't fake footage. It happened in Armenia in like 2003. But the way that One America News does it is they'll show like a conflict between like Azerbaijan and Armenia and it'll show guys going over a border.

in the desert and then the guy on the news will go that's us and my mom doesn't have the wherewithal to see at the bottom this is footage from Azerbaijan and in my mom's mind literally there are guys with like spets nass like like civil war era AKs and they're like I want to rape white women that's what I'm here to do don't clip that either stop doing that shit because you've got to stop a lot of my family's into also but like the Israel version yeah yeah yeah so hell well we're on that like my what we gonna do i was i was raised i was raised to believe that they that it was the same stuff like it was the same place and people that like if we were my mom's church is a part of that like we got to send the red cows over to expedite jesus

that i just learned about that that is so fucking crazy yeah it's crazy so anti-semitic too because the whole point is if the red cow shows up then we get to turn all you guys into Christians that's what happens in the Bible everybody in Israel is the Jews are like damn these Christians are fucking retarded they'll help us do anything we want to yeah yes literally that's that's literally what it is yeah because we're over here we're like all right if we send the red cow over Jesus will come back and then he'll restore order and he'll kill all the everybody or whatever and I like to think that the people with the top brass of Israel are like these guys fucking morons yeah they're a little woo these guys yeah yeah yeah yeah and these are guys

who think that, like, you know, they're all super religious. They're all, like, rabbinical. They're like, like, like, a golem. Yeah, yeah. They believe in wizards stuff. And they're, like, 23-year-old master general sergeant. That shit's so awesome, dude.

Yeah. Yeah, whenever... My grandpa was in that stuff. He was, like, kind of, like, wizard, like Jewish wizard. He did, like, Jewish mysticism. Oh, that's sick as fuck. Yeah, he was, like, a Kabbalist, like...

Oh, shit. Yeah, and he was, like, a healer from what my mom told me is, like, people would come, and he would go take. some river rocks and he would like turn it into like a paste and shit if they had like skin ailments but yeah he would do like well my brother my oldest brother always says my mom is not necessarily a reliable source for a lot of stuff so i don't know how true that story is but moms i think like it's funny across cultures like moms who didn't grow up with like the best

education like my mom believes in like wizards and stuff like magic straight up you know not even not even kidding i do a little bit also but not because i believe believe in it because I'm like okay if the Rockefellers have astrologers maybe there's something something to it counterpoint the Rockefellers are inbred and they're dumb that's true they're rich because they're inbred as fuck they're rich because they're 200 years ago they were rich yeah and they did and they made all the laws to protect their powers and then they get a bunch of Jews to come and manage their money and protect their power yeah yeah Jews are smart yeah Jews are smart I mean like like for like the czar

Nicholas with Rasputin people are always like like a lot of old Nazi guys are neo-Nazi guys, they're getting into Rasputin now. What's Rasputin? Rasputin was the guy, the whisperer in the ear of Tsar Nicholas. So like the last emperor. So like a, you know, like a grand... Like a eunuch? Vizier. So like a guy who's not the king,

think of Stephen Miller for Trump. Like, you get all your policies past that you want. Girl, I don't know who Stephen Miller is. He's the, um, the head of like a White House policymaker, the bald guy, real queenie from Santa Monica, who's like, we're getting all the Mexicans gone.

If you look a picture of him up, you'll see him. Anyway. How is this Thomas' phone? Yeah, Rasputin, whatever. He was like, people thought he was a wizard. And it was just because a lot of people back then in Russia didn't know how to read. And so he would like walk around with smoke like coming from his jacket. And they would be like, oh, this guy's got fucking like a wand or some shit.

Yeah. If you see a picture of Stephen Miller, you know what I'm talking about. He's from Santa Monica. Steve Miller Band. Yeah, he's a guy who'd fly. So fucking stupid. Oh, him. Yeah, he's a closet case racist.

No, he's just Jewish. No, you got to hear him talk. He talks like a Santa Monica fucking fruitcake, dude. He's like, and we're putting them. A lot of Jewish guys do talk gay. Yeah. Like, I have a friend from growing up who we all thought was gay. He was just Jewish.

He's like getting married to a woman. There's this. There's this thing that, you know, this one, the kind of little one of that. He's literally like a Santa Monica. like and you know yeah i'm telling yeah this is what my friend who also grew up in california that's what he sounded like maybe it's the southern california yeah being from southern california does make you a little bit it's in a feminine accent makes you a little bit of a homo yeah yeah yeah yeah you gotta try it when in hey win in fucking malibu that's why i live

that's my accent there's a ufc fighter name you're i have faber and every time he talks i'm like he literally sounds like a guy doing a california accent he's like when you're growing up and cal it's a thing that you just it's just like a way of life and I'm like fucking kill yourself it's one of my least favorite that arm bar was pretty lucky yeah yeah yeah yeah it's one of my least favorite american accents Boston sucks Boston sucks Boston sucks Boston sucks I don't like the Boston one this is where we differ see how you know you don't like Boston those are the things I love you like that shit I hate Baltimore I don't fuck with the Baltimore one Memphis is kind of dumb it's okay Kentucky's kind of weird

Kentucky's charming to me I like colonial I like Annabellum South accents I like Georgia my favorite Louisiana beautiful Like they talk very poetically But I can't stand

I hate the midway I like I love Joe Perra talks to you Yeah But I don't like that accent on other guys He's from New York I don't He's from like upstate He's from Buffalo yeah

He does he does Which is in that show he's from there. Oh, oh, so he's, that's a character? No, that's how he talks. He sounds like he's from Wisconsin. Yeah. That's crazy. Maybe he, like, maybe there was something evil in his past,

something evil put in his butt or something that made him, like, talk like that. Yeah, I thought he was from, like, Milwaukee. Oh, I don't get, I was just joking and I liked him. I think he's a very sweet man. I thought he was super nice and humble and down to earth. I was just, just joking. I was just, it was just a little joke. Joe's the best.

I've never met him. but he's very funny yeah I've met him a bunch of times and honestly we're really close I hey

he was very charming on stage I love his act that's movie that's moofy what's moofy umfi uh because we're mutual

followers of each other oh so you if if it's umphi that means you don't follow them back but one of my followers yes but that means that implies you don't follow them movie

moof people don't really say but I just decided to say moof I thought they said mufos Mufos, I thought, ah, Mofis. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, I got Mofied last night.

That's where I could get Roofie by man. Girl, this Mundle. I'm not going to say who uses it on the show because he listens, and I think he would get his feelings hurt, but he is a guy older than me by several years, and he's on Twitter, and he's in the same circle, and he uses oomfi. And he's kind of a, he's not a locale.

He gets pooked, people poke fun in him, him a lot and he's a i don't know what guy you're talking about i'll tell you you'll probably know after i'm gonna say his name after the show people make fun of him a lot because he says goofy stuff and he's like he's dead serious when he says this shit but i saw a post from the other day that was like uh uh so excited one of my umfis is coming into philly yippie and i was like yo dog you're 39 like i never want to police people's language on things like age and certain things but like i i said dumer walk one time like two years ago on the show he didn't let me not think about that that's because he was like 23 and so he was like cool guy he was cool young

now he's 20 no i said dumer walk yeah it's he didn't let you live it down yeah yeah yeah yeah that's because he was young he was a young high shot buck he could get away with anything now he's unking out this was like six months ago i was like yeah i'm gonna take a dumer walk and you go doomer walk and i was like yeah i don't know why i said it i kind of regretted it i just wish we could forget about it and you're like i'm not jake you can say whatever cool shit you want to say in front of me like you we you could lay down the house boots i'm gonna be 31 dude 302 i'm gonna be 32 fuck i just turned 29 oh did you yeah i forget you and asher the same age yeah yeah definitely unc status but it's cool spotify thinks i'm a 21 year old boy

really cool me spotify thinks i'm 48 I think Thomas was in his 60s. Yeah, I said I was, I think, 64, 67. My mom just turned 47. No, that is so fucking crazy. It's so weird, dude. I remember when she was a fucking kid. I grew up with that girl.

Girl. We were girls together. I was like, when I was, the age I am now, I was 14, my mom was 31. Or 30 She was 30 Damn And Imagine being your age

You can already Like leave your kid and go party I was like Getting arrested and shit And I was like God damn You're like Ugh

Why is my life so weird And then your mom's like Girl I don't know I don't know I don't know I'm 10 I'm 10 girl Fuck

Girl we 10 Girl we 10 together shit I love being 10 I had to grow up so fast Me and my mama was both 13 I had to grow up so goddamn quick. My mom was both 11 years old.

Yeah. She does, uh... I grew up fast. Six months old, I was already drinking milk. What else would you be drinking? I didn't know you couldn't give babies water. No, no, not for the first six months. Or olive oil.

And they can't have... Or motor oil. They're like, you can't give them rat poison. It's weird. can't give them chewing go you can't give them honey until they're two yeah you can't give them viking until they're like five yeah but then they have a fucking awesome time yeah yeah yeah I wanted to give this baby on the airplane one of my Xanax he's been annoying as flag just just stop just stop bringing your kids anywhere if you have kids stay in the house was it a spirit flight

no I was flying delta oh rich you rich it's always a spirit flight when I'm on it yeah yeah hey dude hey let me tell you I did I made I took a spirit flight from Miami back to Houston, let me tell you, if that motherfucker would have got hijacked, they would have not scrambled the jets. Dump that motherfucker. Dude, that

was one of the most... It was one of those experiences you have where you go, I need I got a... I can't even have any thoughts right now, because none of them are going to be good. I got a good one for you. Detroit to Queens.

Oh, that's just as bad. Also the spirit that coming back off the I feel like the age group would be a little different Miami to Houston door yeah it would be really young this would be a lot of this one the turbulence was real bad and I mean it was bad to a point where people were going like what the fuck like like it would be bad and then it would just it would be fine for a little bit and then it would be like calm it seemed like the the pilot was trying to shake everybody out yeah He just kept he was like trying to you drop like 800 feet in one he was trying to you know stay within the right air currents or whatever I mean hey we got there fine but it was I love seeing people like what kind of people um I mean all kinds of people okay the first people technically um the first I remember um what people dude it was Adam and Eve yep not Adam and Steve when I got almost right girl hey hachy matchy.

when I got on the flight it was like a 7 a.m. flight out of Miami when I got when I get on I'm on the tarmac I get on the plane I hear it from the tarmac hey hey hey hey hey hey Jake got food out to Miami and I was like

oh I was too hungover so when the cart rolled around I asked for a bunch of liquor but I forgot it's spirit so that's the way they get you on Delta you drink for free on spirit it's like fucking $19 I said fuck this shit don't care worth it I spent like $40 on like two jacking

cokes and tried to have a good time you know what i mean you get to drink for free on spirit no i mean on delta no matter what class you're in i didn't know that we always thought they're giving us free drinks no you just drink for free yeah damn that's awesome well here's the thing they say after four they can't though after after after four drinks yeah they've had they've let me have 10 before i didn't know that i would have fucking had way more drinks if i knew that everyone's allowed to get it Yeah, I've seen people get charged But I've never been charged myself Yeah, I've always handled it with care

Because I thought You know, I thought I didn't know if I If it was a certain magnetism I had I mean, not to get too much I've been coaching Thomas to believe he has magnetism You do for sure Well, it is really, lately it has been working out very well Listen, if I have it, you have it

You know what I mean? I'm a man of the people too much I think You're slutting around town You did get flued out to Miami I'm gonna wake you up to what's really happening In this fucking city It's all crumbling

Sound like the green goblin Yeah we're all It's all crumbling Right before it's in a city of ruins I love to I love slipping in the Devon Middle of the show You know I just think they should all be killed

You know I think Ben you show me the video of Will and Don, and I just, I think they should just nuke Disney World. Whenever I do it in front of them, he looks at me like this. He goes, like a kid, I just showed a magic trick too. He's like, that's her good Devin. And Devin goes, do I sound like that? And Jace goes, you do.

Yeah, you do. And he goes, oh, wow, who know? Who would have known? Yeah, it was awesome. I love Devin. I think he's my, I don't know if I have favorites, but he might be the one I enjoy the most. We got drunk A lemon party

I mean Jace is so funny Like anything Jace says It's like It's always the kind of thing Where it's like Oh why not I think of that

It was so good It's like why would you think of that He's funny That's what I think of that Have you been watching the show a while Do you know the story of his first relapse on alcohol Uh Ben's

No no Jase is No I don't No I don't So Dude they told it on the show So I don't feel bad telling it But Ben told me like Right after it happened

So So Jay's had like nine once over, dude, and his family is, you know, you've listened to the show, like, his family is a very bizarre family, very, you know, religious. And they were like, his dad was like, we're going to go on a family vacation. We're going on a family vacation. We're all going to go on a carnival cruise ship. And so, of course, you know, Ben and Jay, she'll have grown adults. They've got their own thing going on, but they go anyway. Jay's hadn't drank it in a while.

And, uh, Jason was telling me, Ben told me the story of Jason has told me much funny. He goes, yeah, so I'm by the pool, you know. and I hear the macarena from a distance I hear the macarena from a distance and I go oh god and it starts sounding like in a train the Doppler effect the macarena's getting closer

it's getting closer and you know I look over at the bar and I just and then the macarena passes me and it's a bunch of fat red guys and their fat red sons and they're fat red wives and I just thought

I should just drink myself And he, like, went and bought, like, a pinia, like an $18 pinia collata. I was like, that's such a great relapse. That's way better than most relapse stories, which are just, like, you stand in front of the gas station for a couple hours thinking about it. And he just do it, you know what I mean? Yeah, he got to dance the macarena. He probably got to join those families for a few hours.

Yeah. Maybe he lied about who he is or where he's from. That's always fun to do. I love doing that. I love putting on an accent and seeing it people buy it. Ooh, how long can you go with the accent? It depends on the accent. Okay.

Yeah, I'm not doing a fat ale, but I'm this is me. My name is krill. Crill gravy. I'm krill gravy. Yeah, and I got 16 kids when I'm hungry. You actually sound like someone who would be on a carnival crew show. That's who rides them. I've got some artwork in my cabin if anybody wants to look.

I'm 12. I'm really big in Houston. Yeah. So, well, let me, let me break it down for you. So Carnival cruises are so cheap that anybody can get on them, and they're real fucking nasty. And they're filled with the worst kind of people. And I say that as one of those worst kinds of people, as white trash. I don't stick up for my own.

You guys need to get it together. Royal Caribbean is a little nicer. Norwegians, the real fancy shit. But Carnival cruises are like, you know, you can have as many. hot dogs on a stick as you want. You play slot machines until you have to you jump off the boat. Like you do whatever you want. You can piss on the floor in there.

They're big because Galveston's right there, so you can go to Galveston and they'll sell you out to all the islands and shit. So how much does Norwegian cost? I think it's like $15,000, $1,500 a person or something. $1,500 a person? Yeah, whereas Carnival's like $100. I think you...

Shut. It's not like all included, though, right? No, no, no. You can get the all-inclusive package. um for carnival which i think is like 600 that's not bad that's like a flight to la yeah it's like five it's like seven days on the sea um obviously there's gambling and shit but you can get the all-inclusive like small room for like five six hundred bucks i still wouldn't do it because i that sounds like a nightmare that's like being in prison it's a strip mall on the in the middle of the ocean for seven days that's all it is i'd really i'd really do something bad to myself if i had to be on that like you're from like

where you're from like think about one of the strip malls in Thousand Oaks where there's like a bar a restaurant a bar and then like a vape store it's that but you're in the middle of the ocean for seven days you know yeah it's 10 dogs dicks in a bag that's it's it sucks ass wow you know that's been a long one has it yeah that or 20 well we went in the deli this morning my coworker went up to the deli gut and she said I gave me four sausages extra long force your boring Boyings, extra bouncy. And we all look at these who are like extra long?

How the fuck you order sausages extra long? Great crazy. Oh, my God. Did I, uh... I don't even know what the fuck I was going to say. Oh, oh, so, uh, my cousin did, um... The big one? The big, big, big, big one.

Um, his sister, um, just got out of prison, I think. Oh, what was she in there for? She keeps, uh, getting caught with meth. Oh. that's good you know it's kind of sad that she keeps going to prison but her family does

like the fucking slip and fall fraud and they don't she should just take over the family business which is being fat and falling down she should stop doing that

is she big she's a pretty bit well no she lost a bunch of weight because she lost a much weight because she's been really big good yeah yeah yeah yeah she looks good

hey she doesn't she posted a picture of herself in a best western like just got out and I was like oh She used to play dolls together. She's wonderful.

Damn, she's your age. We grew up together, yeah. Oh, that's sad as fuck. Yeah, yeah. It's, uh, I mean, yeah, it sucks ass, but, uh, she's funny. She's like a, uh, she's like, how do I say that she's a wankster stud? I was just about to ask if she's a lesbian. Yeah, she's a stud, but like a white girl stud.

It's so funny. Yeah, she used to be, dude, she used to be built like a brick shit house with an M&M. She sounds hot. Fade. And she had a, she had a Cuban link and then a tall white tea with big ass blue jeans. She's, she's been. about 5-11 damn she's kind of a smoke show

like a stud smoke show she's big as fuck dude she probably cleaned house dude her girlfriends were always hot as fuck they were trashy hot you know like oh yeah low back tattoo trailer trash yeah yeah but they but like trashy hot like barfly hot yeah yes yes like the ladies on rock of love she beat the fuck out of those girls

for sure she beat the fuck out of them yeah that's no good girl you can't be doing all that girl you need to get you need to get you need to get like to hanks you need to be a little respectful with it no no no no studs be throwing hands yeah they're really they're really crazy one of my friends i hate it when people say they're like pit bulls thank you guys for tuning in for another episode of pentejoate of time thank you eden for coming on thanks for having me no problem uh we don't have an ad read this uh you guys should come to this show that's probably going to happen before we upload this up i'm putting this up right now

It's going up right now. Yeah, if you listen to this and you're in New York, come to the show. Yeah, come to the show. Tomorrow at Eastville, 9.30. Tickets are 25 at the door, 20 online. Eastville Comedy Club.com. Bring your homies. Bring your homies.

Bring your girlfriends. Bye. We'll be selling much.