Pendejo Time - 40 jakers

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

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yeah let's go baby we are back we're fucking back you know it's going to be a good episode when thomas gives a half-hearted i'm losing the word here it's okay somebody on the last episode was like you know it's going to be a classic good episode when thomas sounds like darth vader and i don't know what that means really i don't know like i i really really, I've come to find out that the fans really like these episodes that, like, don't make any sense. And there's no, like, linear conversation. There's no, like, consistent, I guess, bit or whatever. It's just, like, me tossing something out there and you being like, I

don't talk like that. You do talk like that. We've been through this. Nope. You do. I talk normally. Episode two. Or three. I don't remember. We were like, I talk like this. And you're like, yeah, I got my dick caught in a wood chipper.

And see if that happens, that would be the least of my problems. What's the most of your problems? Lacking the, you know, if you get in that situation, that means you've been chipping wood wrong for a while. Yeah. Putting other people in danger. Yeah. You know?

I like the idea of you getting your... You get your dick caught in the wood chipper and you're like, guys, I'm sorry. Like, I fucked up bad today. Also, like, it clearly had to be out or whatever. I'm like, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. caught in the wood chip and you're like guys i'm sorry like i fucked up bad today also like like it clearly had to be out or whatever i'm like yeah yeah it was a freak accident uh i definitely wasn't trying to pull anything yeah yeah it this uh this branch it got flung and it just sort of opened my zipper up it was a hand-shaped branch and yeah it was like a girl hand yeah

not a guy's hand by the wasn't a big meaty branch it was a very soft sort of like a sapling type branch that got a hold of my penis yeah i got right out earlier today i uh in my mind i had a hard hat on but i just had like those safety earmuffs and I always get it feels the same on my head to me and I got like bonked by like a nice white flash of light like a little it sounded like

it should have just killed me but instead like this branch like got twisted and then just like basically hammer fisted me on top of the head like i was like yeah like like i was a flintstone or something and i just like in the moment i just like just kept going like i didn't even yeah he just power wasn't it wasn't a pain tolerance thing or anything it was just like what are you gonna do like get mad at a piece of wood yeah no i tonight i told you over, dude, I kind of want to get this guy in the pod.

I might ask him. I don't know. We can talk about it later. But the guy that runs the Muay Thai program at the gym I train at is, like, an old UFC fighter. And, like, the first – Wednesday night is sparring night. And the first couple rounds, like I'm super fresh. And he always wants to go like with the people that come often, which makes sense. He's the coach.

Like the people that come often, he's like, all right, yeah, I'm going to go with you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, just one of those guys consistently, like, you know, just super fit eats right all the time. You know, he fought for the UFC. He's a fucking animal anyway. Um, and so we go, it's like my second round, we're doing three minute rounds. And, uh, this happens everynesday where i'm like all right like let's go and um you know he's taking it super super light he's just kind of like touching and just feeling you out but it you you know that it's coming like you that something really, really there's no other situation I've ever been in other than like when I was working, like when I did roofing that summer and I was like, I'm going to touch this shingle to brace myself from this ladder. And it's going to burn the inside of my hand because I left my gloves in my car and I'm already up here and I can't come back down because I'm going to get yelled at. come back down because I'm going to get yelled at. There's very other few situations where like, you know, you're about to experience something really painful and you willingly are

like, uh-huh. Yeah, no, I'm here. I'm here to go. So anyway, you're just,

the first minute is like, you know, well, I will like, I'll throw and I'll miss and he'll throw and blah blah blah and i will land one where i feel it like in my hand or like my leg or my knee where it's just a really solid connection and i get a little endorphin rush but that endorphin rush is immediately immediately immediately like suffocated by this look where he's like nice and it's it's a nice like when you play like when i played baseball and you get a solid hit and the coach is like

all right that's what i'm talking about that's what we've been talking about all week only in baseball when you do something that the coach is proud of, you're not immediately punished with, like, the nastiest combination. So, like, you know, and, like, he's not, like, one of those, like, fighter guys with an ego. Like, he's done it all. He's seen it all. He's fucking, you know, he's done everything. But he is the coach of the class, and you're his student. So I'm like, you know, we're doing our bullshit.

I'm like, you know, I'm like fucking, you know, we're doing our bullshit. I'm like, you know, I'm like fucking, you know, we're feeling each other out. And I just, I feel it connect hard. Boom, boom.

And maybe I get to, you know, and then I'm like, Oh God. Yeah. And he, and he like, kind of like sticks his tongue out and he's like,

ah, Oh yeah. Solid hit brother. Like he's super re-encouraging, and that kind of makes the dopamine hit last a little longer. But I'm not kidding. Within the time span that you blink your eye, he's like, just fucking mean with it. There was a time, like a few weeks back we were in the they have a cage and uh at 10th planet and uh like a legit ufc cage i guess they paid for it or they paid license i don't fucking know

but it's like a legit cage um and uh and we were in there sparring and first minute you know we're just kind of playing around second minute we're starting to throw a know, we're just kind of playing around. Second minute, we're starting to throw. Third minute, we're just fucking going at it, you know. And I, like, I throw this pretty nice, like, little fake right kick, and I go up top with the lead leg, like, high. Boom. Clips him. And he's like, man, that was really fucking nice. Nice.

He, like, taps my glove, and I'm like, oh, thanks, man. Hits me in my liver. Like, I don't know if you've ever been hit. Like, I can take a shot to the gut, like the front of the stomach. Yeah, because, like, your abs kind of brace it. You can flex it so you can come, boom, you know, or you can, like, shell up and it hits your elbows. But the liver is just behind, like, a little layer of skin

and, like, abdominal muscle and then just fat. And then it's just right there. And it was like he like threw like a right hand, but it was like a feint. And then just like lead hook, boom. And I crumble. And I'm on the floor like, and he does the monologue from fucking Silence of the lambs where hannibal lecter's like

and i ate his liver with a side of fava beans and i'm laying there he's doing that while i'm laying there dry heating dude and i was only training there for like three weeks and in my mind i'm like listen i can't say anything to you at all. I can't get up and be like, hey, man, don't do that. He was saying it loud enough for people to hear. I'm not going to get up and be like, hey, you know what? But also, you don't know me. I could have the chopper.

You've got two options in that situation. And it's either study under that man for the rest of your life or kill him that night. Exactly. And I chose the former, obviously. That was one of those where I was like, okay, this guy is also very funny and very talented and a great coach. And he's super solid. But I was laying there. Dude, I'm at this gym two or three weeks.

And I don't know like you know i told him i trained before and i've been doing it for a while so maybe it was just like oh this guy knows the business or whatever you know blah blah blah but it was like i'm laying there like like i can't like i'm dry heaving but i've been i did like an hour cardio before and i lifted i got nothing in my stomach i can can't throw up. I'm just like, you know, and he's like, and I ate his liver with a side of fava beans. Like pointing at other people in the cage

that there was like another guy in there and I'm like, you know, you know, like, there's something, there's something so disheartening about it sometimes because I remember the guy I used to train under, he was like a, There's something so disheartening about it sometimes. Because I remember the guy I used to train under, he had black belts in like five martial arts.

And he was like a sixth or seventh degree black belt in Taekwondo. Like he'd been doing it since he was like four. He'd been doing Taekwondo for like 40 years. And I remember like sparring in close to him one time. And he didn't let you land points like ever. He just didn't. But I did a front roundhouse just barely. And it would count as a point in a tournament. And he could tell I got a little cocky.

And then he did not throw a kick for the next two minutes he just stood there and dodged every single kick that i threw i whiffed like 70 kicks in a row and i just went home and stared at a wall for like an hour because he was just just stone face just and this guy is like five six buck fifty maybe like you know little south korean guy yeah and i me even you know even in high school i was like a normal size guy or whatever and i you know had probably 40 pounds on him and i you know i went in there like yeah master jean like let's go then I just – I could have just been sparring alone. Yeah, like shadow boxing. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. There's something I was telling you through text. Like, you almost, like, when that happens, because there's, like, two coaches. There's, like, the main coach that guy was talking about, and there's one under him who's also really, really good. But there's, like – you almost, almost like don't want to like obviously you want to land to get like that's your coach like you're like oh like i know what you've been showing me but there's like the moment you do you know that like for like when you when you decontextualize

everything you're also standing across from a man who's been doing this way longer than you who's been way more successful who's you know like every day that you're there like you follow his instruction whatever you know and so there is a level of it where it's like hey that was super good i'm glad you did that i'm gonna do this like whatever, like I'm going to do my thing now. And there is not a goddamn thing just short of like spontaneously combusting that you can do about what I'm about to do. And so it's like, I almost don't want, like you almost don't want to land.

You kind of like, sometimes I'll show up or whatever. And I'm like, eh, you know, but I don't, I, I, I like fight that urge and I'm like no it's fine it's only gonna hurt in the moment like a lot like a lot and then like you know the next day it'll hurt a little and you'll be done but it like in those moments i'm like okay all right there's like a second before he like a split

second before he throws back where i'm like hey did you enjoy that good feeling you just had kind of like good moment of like very nice because right now that shit's off the table like like that like they uh i got like like swept the other day off my feet it's like a like a tie sweep it's just you it's it's a certain thing and like your whole your feet come out from under you hit the end you hit the ground your wind gets knocked out of you all this shit and uh like that's the type of thing where it's like they know they can do that to you and it's not like a dickhead coat it's just like hey you know hey nice one you know getting swept is just like oh well dude here i am yeah just on the ground listen i don't i would rather get bitch slapped like it like in a street fight by like

a different like i don't know it is like a i like i understand that i'm just outmatched skill wise and fitness wise and i should take that into account. But the immature, emotionally stunted part of me, I guess, I get swept by a dude who's been doing it since he was 10. And I'm on the ground like, man, I should go home and kill myself. And I shouldn't think that way, but it really is just like, dude, I would rather you spit on me. Like, I was standing half a second ago and punching you, and now I'm on the ground and I'm like,

You know, like, I don't even remember what happened. And it's like, yeah, well, your feet were placed wrong, so you're a retard. And it's like, oh, okay. and it's like oh okay did i ever tell you this is the most just absolutely alpha i've ever been in my entire life but i was talking um it was the same guy that i was sparring in the previous story i was talking during class and i didn't realize he was also talking and he just walked up to me and grabbed a pressure point in my arm and just dropped me he just like he walked up to me and grabbed a pressure point in my arm and just dropped me. He just, like, he walked up to me and just... Am I back?

You're back. You're fine. Don't... Yeah, you're fine. Yeah, it's all good. No, I... One thing I like to do is just unplug my mic. You're still recording, right? Yeah. You're good? Yeah, somehow I didn't skip out. That would have made it a fun night for you.

Yeah, it always is when that happens. And, you know, folks, if you're mad about the fact that I'm constantly unplugging my mic, well, you should complain to Jake about it because he's having a fun time with it already um i step on this mic cord while it's plugged into the mic probably once a month and this has been happening for at least a year how long we'll be doing the show well i did i get this mic i got this mic before we got the yeah you had it like maybe a month before we were because i had i like you fronted me the money big daddy thomas running me the money to get a mic uh before we before we got paid and i and that so yeah you did have it um but yeah no i like uh

there was a you said that like i was just like really rich. I lived with my parents, so I didn't have – Well, your whole thing is you have billions of dollars. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. I do. I'm like, no, I did day labor and I lived with my parents, so I just sort of had the money from that and I didn't spend it. Yeah.

There was like a – So like obviously people will drop into the gym and like train and like go home or like won't sign up or whatever. But there was one time there was this – I got paired up with him. We were hitting pads and he like would not cooperate and was just like being like ridiculous and doing all these moves and trying to like do like spinning side stuff that like, we were just like not doing that that day. And one of the, one of like the, the secondary striking coach was like, Hey man, like that's not what we're doing today. And he's like, Oh yeah, no, it's fine. But like, I'm just doing this today. And he was like, no.

Like, Jake's your partner. Like, you got, whatever. The kid had, like, socks on and on the mat, which is, like, some people do that, I understand. But, like, it is a very, like, dorky thing to do. I understand why some people do it. Like, the mats are gross even when you clean them, like whatever. But he had like socks on the mat.

And so the coach was just like, you got socks on the mat, man. It's just, we kind of make fun people to do that. Like just trying to roast him in front of people to get him to like, listen, you know?

And the kid was like, yeah, you shave your legs to the, and to the, to the, the coach or whatever. And he's also one of the jujitsu guys. And if you do jujitsu a while,

you know, like shaving your legs is like, it's harder for people to hold onto your legs. Cause when you get sweaty and there's no hair, like there's no traction. Like if I get ahold of your knee and you shave your legs, I'm just going to slide right off you. And,

uh, he like walks up to him, like doesn't kick him, but he's like, he's like he's like oh yeah i shaved him i can kick you with him too you want to see and the kid was like what and he like like just like right over the kid's head like just just like kind of was like like like just faked it like didn't throw it it was like you know and it was just like it's it's just funny when when people i don't know man like i think a lot of people watch like you know too much people come in and they're like i've i watched the youtube video i don't know people just come in with like shitty attitudes it's just kind of annoying or like the they're like me and and like

used to be slightly good at something, and they're like, yeah, but I can probably warm up in like two weeks, and then these guys – Start sparring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, dude, I find myself in similar situations where it's like I will take like three weeks off because I've been like depressed or something or just like I don't want to work out, and then I'll come back,

and I'm like, dude, it's only been three weeks. And it's not like I've forgotten anything, but it is that i've been hitting my vape all day all night and not running or lifting so obviously my my gas tank's fucked so i'm like oh we're sparring today sick and like 20 seconds into a two minute round i'm like you know i'm like dying or whatever i feel like you're sparring like gas tank at least for me it would run out like from like three days of not training like it just no my cardio does not hold up at all no i don't have longevity like if i don't consistently because i i refuse to give up nicotine like i've given up i've given up other shit in my life but i'm like stuck on this and so like because of that you need to work on that

yeah yeah yeah as you hit yours no i totally understand um you know as i like if i take 72 hours off for a week it's like i've never worked out in my whole life like i've never ran a mile i've never you know i'm like literally like hitting a bag like and again like people i train with or train under are like, do you smoke? And I'm like, no, not cigarettes. And they're like, oh, you smoke weed. Nice.

And I'm like, I don't even smoke weed. I just hit this Chinese piece of technology that probably is going to kill me if I'm being real in like 10 years because I can't stop. I don't smoke. I get a Pop Hit pro from the gas station yeah and it makes it um it doesn't make my life any better but it tastes like candy and if i don't have it i um i i can't even like write my own name so so it's pretty it's pretty good i get a debilitating headache that like makes my

body sick i'm a grown man who likes flavors like chilled banana yeah fruity mint yeah yeah peach ring surprise yeah yeah yeah like apple pie supreme yeah i'm i'm a guy who you know has lived a really like storied kind of stupid life. But, man, you put a little piece of, like, Chinese technology in front of me, and in that technology is, like, creme brulee sweet cream. Curtains. Yeah. I can't fight that shit.

And the thing, you know, people are like, oh, nowadays guys are vaping raspberry lemonade instead of smoking, rolling their own cigarettes. It's like, well, people still rolling their own cigarettes it's like well people still roll their own cigarettes and they're all really annoying so they live either they're like hipsters or they live outside yeah like like you meet a guy who rolls his own cigarettes either his parents are millionaires or he hasn't taken a legit shower and like yeah honestly the only the i've only known a couple people who rolled their own cigarettes who were chill and both of them were like it's like yeah well like whenever i was like homeless this is yeah it's cheaper and i was like well you i don't really get to make fun of you for anything now because you just realize you're like way tougher than me

and like yeah your life's been way harder than mine and i'm just the only reason i ever did it i think i've already told you this was so i was smoking like a pack and a half a day in college and it was really bad so a buddy of mine who it was like who you're talking about was like hey man you should roll your own like it really cut me back when i like was train hopping and i was like my dad was just kind of mean. Whatever life you've had. Yeah, were you like in like 1850s Wild West? Yeah, he was like, hey, bro, when I was hopping freighters just to get by and like, you know, selling my body, I rolled these and it really cut me down. I'm like, oh, okay. So I did that.

But what happened was I would find empty packs of cigarettes because you've been in my car it's just full of trash i would find empty packs of cigarettes and i would roll 20 that's how and i would just fill them so it was like i was smoking so like i it did work for a bit for me and it did help me quit like slow down but it wasn't until i realized oh i can just roll 20 cigarettes like a pack and then just have them because i got tired of being at a bar or a house party and then like sitting there roll 20 cigarettes like a pack and then just have them because I got tired of being at a bar or a house party and then like sitting there and rolling cigarettes like a fucking cowboy and people are like hey can I have one of those

and I'm like no this takes me too long it's too annoying I don't want to do this shit anymore once I you know once we get a few more episodes in and I have this pipe whittled, I think we should become pipe guys. Dude, I used to have a pretty sick pipe, I'm not going to lie. It was gifted to me. And I smoked.

Dude, hey, that's coming along kind of nice. It's starting to. You see where I've got the, I'm getting the bowl over here. Yeah. And then the thing is I'm actually having to carve away a lot, but I'm trying to make it like a curved thing. So that's why it's like, it would be much faster if I wasn't trying to do it somewhere.

Just make it like a straight pipe, like old weed pipe, like a fucking. Yeah. I'm trying to make it like curve up and then like, like the like a u-bend yeah yeah yeah dude i had a one of my friends in college whose dad was like super loaded that i knew like my freshman year he gave me a really nice one and i smoked it for a while and it was really enjoyable and i liked smoking it but it made me feel just like an asshole i'm not gonna if you're not wearing like old-timey suspenders while you do it you're just yeah which is honestly my plan yeah yeah i just want to be the guy who's like standing outside of a car wash or something smoking a pipe and people

like on your porch and you've got like 40 acres in front of you and like it needs to be trimmed or like a different amount of acres it doesn't have to be that amount yeah yeah it doesn't have to be any amount of acreage it could be any it could be anything besides that number that i said you know yeah yeah just 39 acres yeah it's 42 yeah yeah i uh i had like you're sitting on your mule and he's – Yeah, and you're like, man, this world's been unkind to me, but it's starting to look up. Man, looking back, I don't want to say it was funny, but like the idea of giving a guy like 40 acres of land and you're like, yeah, you're probably going to need some help tending to this. Here's like a really stubborn, just like worst version of a horse yeah you have no tools by the way and also no one's gonna sell you any but um yeah if you want to get more into that we can i just kind of hey i know that i know i want to i know that i beat the dog shit out of you and like killed your

wife and your kids. But times have changed. There's like a new law or something. So what's going to happen for you is I'm going to give you, let's call it 40 acres of barren, disgusting land with no topsoil. It's all loam or clay or whatever. And I'm going to give you this animal who hates you and me and any other living creature.

And it kicks so hard it will snap your femur like a fucking twig. And I haven't trained it, by the way. It won't carry any plows. And I'm going to give you all this. You can't sell it. You can't till it, really. Sorry.

And if you try to do either of those things, the guy who runs this town will, like, cut your feet off. So, I mean, like, you win. You got what you wanted. Also, we still can't find your family, and, like, we're not really going to look for them. But, like, that's not really. No.

I know you have a daughter. I know that you, you know, like, you want to kill me. And, by the way, hey, wouldn't blame you if you tried. But do you remember the feet thing I said about 20 seconds earlier? If you so much as, like, look the wrong way way it's still pretty bad by the way we're in mississippi so you got 40 acres next to me if i even think that you're looking at my wife or like my kid like my daughter which you know you're not but i can say you are i'll turn you into paste also i'm gonna build stuff on your land. Right. Like there's no clear property market here.

There's not. What are you going to do, complain to the sheriff or something? Right, yeah. The sheriff is a guy who used to, you know, like throw your kids in like a big hole. Like he's not really. He'll show you the hole. He'll show you the hole. Yeah, yeah.

You want to see that kid we talked about she's in there you know uh did um you know the world is the idea of like a like a like a like a slave driver who gives in you know it's just like hey you know i don't like it, but them's the rules. And so I'm proud of you for making your own way. By the way, if you do anything with this, just short of selling it back to me for pennies, I'm going to like burn you alive. You know, I'm going to like, you know, make it really hard for you to just be a human being. Not that I was before, by the way. Before, let's call that a wash. I know that you want to rip me limb from limb, but I'm still sort of like the guy.

Yeah. Something about slavery just never sat right with me. You're 100% right on that, man. Something was off there i uh my so the way that like my family like when people had other people in my family i knew my great granddad and got to know him very intimately closely like he was a good dude not intimately like that don't look at me like that but we talked a lot you know and uh about what you know just stuff that you talk to your great granddad about and uh and he would uh he was born and raised in a fucking podunk town in mississippi and he would just dude i would be like

he'd be like like i would be skateboarding like we would go visit for Christmas. I'd be like 12 or 13, and I'd be skateboarding out front or whatever. And I would come back inside to do gifts at his place because he was a deacon at our church, and so we always would do stuff there. And he would start on these rants. He'd be like, my granddad, not my pappy. They'd already done away with by the time he's old enough. my pappy they had already done away with by time he's old nut my grandpappy owned 60 acres in mississippi around time they ended slavery i mean he didn't have to do nothing with it they didn't tell him do nothing it's just something you know law because he was born

in 1919 so his granddad was like you know i i've made this before where it's like had they not done away with slavery dude you're i would not be sitting across doing a i would be loaded i would be rolling in it and then i and i don't know how but anyway he would be like yeah you know my granddaddy hit man he had a cotton field he had an apple orchard and uh you know around time like 30 years after lincoln well people in the county wised up said this stuff's been illegal 30 years and so he lost everything and then we were we didn't have nothing we just kind of had to forage and like when i'm when you hear that story as a kid, you're like, wow, I'm, like, super close to this era of terrible history. It's very depressing.

But also, I'm poor now. Like, it's hard now. Like, we don't have any money. And so you just told me that at one point, let's decontextualize the reason why my great to the fifth power grandfather had money i could have money it's not good i'm 12 like i couldn't obviously i'm not thinking it with it thankfully just yeah thankfully i come from a long line of uh of what progressive yeah mostly you Yeah, mostly small-time subsistence

farmers and good oil people in Venezuela. I don't think I ever told you about that. Do you know what you need to subsist off of before you tell me that story? What?

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but I'll be damned if this isn't a nice wallet. That's a nice wallet, and I think I'll hold on to it because it's got a lifetime warranty. It'll last forever. I hope it doesn't get stolen off you when you die. I hope it doesn't get stolen off you when you die. I hope it don't get stolen off you when you die. Because it's going to be worth a lot someday. It will.

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You're going to get 10% off your fucking order. Sponsored by. Brought to you, sponsored by. The Ridge Wallet. Can we say it at the same time? Three. Okay, three, two, one. The Ridge Wallet. Come on, man. Three, two, one. we say it the same time three okay three two one ridge wallet come on man three two one brought to

you by the ridge three three three the ridge wallet three three two one one the ridge wallet all right you know what i don't care that much yeah so funny man so funny they pay us we have to take this seriously dude they pay you they do they gave me a wallet too did you get one by the way

no I haven't sent you one yet I haven't asked for one but they should figure out my address yeah you should you should you should email the guy that we did we should just move in together if you like came to do like when you come up to do the next video episode and you're like i'm just gonna crash and like on sunday you start like hanging your clothes up in our closet and you're like this is a really nice place ashley's like i mean yeah thank you um do you think i could move like my dad and my girlfriend

over here and and then we could just all like stay we could be like a commune type thing you know dude i don't know how your dad would handle like mine and ashley's living situation like because not only like you know whatever i think that the harder part to handle would be like um living on the other side of the state yeah right from your family um right and a job and everything he's like not only they're not married but i'm in austin texas i if if our dads had the same voice that would be really weird dude I still think that if our you know how in time travel movies where one of the rules is you can't run into your past self or the universe

will collapse in on itself if your dad and my dad met like for whatever reason this show gets so big for whatever fucking reason that there's like you know something where they have to meet and your dad's like hi my dad's like oh hell the situation where they have to meet is we we both die because because um i'm in the sidecar of a motorcycle you're driving and you

you um right you try and pull into twin peaks fast, and we just head on collision with a Camaro. And also, they have both of the funerals for one ceremony to save money. Right, yeah. Not because we had a show together, but just because they were like, They put us in the same casket. Just stacked. It's not an same casket. Just stacked.

It's not an open casket, but it's like when you have one too many bags in the trash can when you bring it out. And you kind of push the lid down to be like, no, it's not too full. They're talking to the mortician. They're like, well, I mean, they're about the same height. Can we just saw them both in half to try and. Like a magician's trick. It's got the holes, but it's got legs coming out of each side. Yes, yes.

My mom's like, is it going to be a big escape for my baby boy? We're just like ripped down the middle and like. Yeah. Mortician's morticians like it's not gonna be a good idea that you look in there both of the dads insisted upon the cheapest option it's kind of like a fucking octopus in there to be completely honest with you there's like mismatched torsos shit's fucked up in there i wouldn't look in there are you married by the chance or were you to a guy named Dave? He handed me a $50 bill and said it's been taken care of. So, I mean, I kind of just, I mean, they're painted all up. One of them's got deer antlers on.

I gave one of them clown shoes. Doing all that for $50. He's like, $50? Yeah, I can commit like a felony or whatever. That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could fill these little boys up with something good. Yeah, that's a good way to word that. Well, I mean, you talk like that.

I mean, I didn't provoke you at all to say that. I know, yeah, I know. Dude, I was editing the last episode, and at the end, you did your whole doll thing. Me dressed up like a girl. I was trying to fix everything up, make it sound good and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, at the end, you're like, hey, listen, if you've done something terrible in your life. And I was just like, I was just thinking of like one of our audience members is actually like a monster. And it's like, you know what?

I think I'm going to stop. and is like, you know what? I think I'm going to stop. I mean, you know, I've been keeping women in my basement for like 10 years now. But Thomas just said if I do something bad, I'm going to want to listen to the show more. And so I think I'm going to dedicate my life to this show, to this podcast. Someone being that dedicated, I think I would just stop recording it. Yeah. And then we could just do something else.

We could just easily – our incomes wouldn't really take a hit or anything. We're definitely not both living above our means right now. Oh, no, 100%. Yeah, I got a tattoo. Like, I can't afford, you know. You just showed me the noose tattoo again. What's the new one? It's a boxing baby that says night-night.

All right, man. That's really cool, dude. Do you mean that, or are you fucking with me? It's not that bad. It's just I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. But, I mean, I'm not really the type to have crazy reactions to tattoos. I've seen a lot in this world. I've been through a lot of things.

So you having a tattoo of a baby with boxing gloves on is like you know yeah uh this wasn't on my my bingo card for 2021 um is that what they're called yeah cards bingo cards bingo match this wasn't in my bingo match this wasn't in my bingo number this wasn't on my bingo board this wasn't on my my ouija bingo i used to have this co-worker who was like a he was a trucker but he like he got a dui and lost his cdl for like a year so he came and did landscaping with us and he was like he was convinced dude that he that he was trying to convince us that you can make really good money playing bingo. Okay. And I was like, well, how much do you win?

You know, like, he was like, oh, you can win like 500 bucks. And I was like, oh, that's good money. How often does that happen? He's like, well, you put like $100 in, right? You can win like, I usually win like once every three months or so. I'm like, that's pretty good. How often do you go? He's like, once a week.

I was like, you've lost like probably like tens of thousands of dollars on bingo, man. Yeah. That's really impressive. Because like you go to the casino or something it's like at least you're you're having fun you know yeah well yeah i mean my mom used to take me to the bingo halls when i was a kid and would like let me like play with her and uh it's a very like this was in the early 2000s when you could still kind of, like, smoke inside some places. The glory days.

The glory days. When I was at a casino, I was in Vegas on a road trip for my 22nd birthday. And I sit down at the bar and they've got video poker machines. I sit down next to this guy. This is why I don't like gambling uh i sit down with this guy and i'm like man it's been a rough night my birthday and i ain't won no money he's like oh man i'm down too what are you down and i'm like man i'm down like 400 bucks he's like yeah man that's it's not good i guess and i was like oh no luck for you either he was like i'm down six grand dude and i was like huh now at the time mind you i'm doing like insane amounts of drugs and i think i've mentioned it on the pod before. It's like, I never really liked gambling.

Cause my mind always went to like, how dude, how, you know how high you could fucking get for fucking six grand or whatever. He's like, yeah, yeah. You know,

I'm down six grand, but I know fucking thing. We're going to win it back. And I'm like, I like moved over. I was like, uh, I don't want to be within punching distance of a guy who just lost a down payment on a house.

How much are you supposed to put down on a house? Nobody knows anymore. I feel like 10 to 15 is, like, standard, but also I don't know. Yeah? I thought I had to save up, like, $50,000, dude, for, like, a regular house. 10 to 15 is, like, standard. Oh, okay. I was looking at, like, 10, $20 million houses though.

Well, you can afford that, can't you? Well, cash, yeah. But like a lot of my assets – people don't know this about billionaires. Most of our assets are not that liquid. Right. We don't have that many liquids. Right, right. Your assets are tied up in like child porn and trafficking and stuff like

that trafficking yes um but i mean that's what do you think amazon is you know right right yeah good point good point you see how many all right here's something i noticed the other day i went to chick-fil-a right they got they got catering all right you can get you can get catering from Chick-fil-A I thought that's nice Okay All their catering vehicles were Nissans Right You think Chick-fil-A doesn't have like

Cadillac money? I feel like Chick-fil-A should be delivered in Cadillacs. I mean, let's be honest. It's like the southern gold standard. Right, but Chick-fil-A is also like a church crowd type. You know, they're not... Maybe they see Cadillacs

as, you know, a certain type of... They don't. That's flashy. That's kind of urban to them, you know you know well at least like buicks yeah buicks i could definitely see especially the new newer buicks acura maybe no i'm thinking more like lincoln like lincoln navigator or like a ford like explorer or you know uh maybe like um king ranch well no i feel like that's flashy too yeah but it's white flashy we're talking something different here you don't see like the white oil moms with the escalades you do see that yeah that is true you do see you do like um i dated a girl who did mary k and uh she was like if i sell a bunch of mary k

i get a pink cadillac escalade so like that's what i like that was like her like i've seen i think i've seen a couple of those yeah they're mary they have mary k emblems on them yeah and i've seen a couple of them too like in like you know like, you know, like well-to-do, like, you know, like Texas suburbs or whatever. And I remember thinking, like, if I was the best salesman at my job and you were going to give me a car, I don't know if I would want it to be a pink Escalade. I think I would want it to be, like like a judge or something, you know, like a fucking... something with some dick on it. But, you know, that's just me.

The Discord's asking us to make like a music chat or a... I don't fucking know. How about you guys make a chat where you shut up? Um... I'm looking at these pink Cadillacs And they are Just regular Cadillacs

But like light pink Right yeah They're not special really Mary Kay sales director Earns 13 pink Cadillacs And counting That is retarded to me That's like fucking

Okay I'm looking at The original pink cadillacs okay they used to have like eldorados yeah which is sick okay but i don't want like the suvs no right dude i've looked at 84 eldorados for like years I see them sometimes for like eight grand. I'm like, dude, if I, yeah. In like good condition. I'm like, dude, if I bought this and just poured like $40,000 into it, I could make it run for like another 20,000 miles easy. Yeah. I will look at old Corvettes like that, that are like, you know, nine, five. And I'm like, man, if I just bankrupted myself and ruined my credit a third time,

I could maybe get six or seven good Sunday drives out of this thing. You know? The thing is, you know, with like you see rappers or whatever with their fancy clothes. Their flashy slabs. Yeah, well. Their grills. No.

Their faces, the way they talk. No, that is not where i was going with the the way that they are just as sort of people like creatures even maybe man come on no people i never said anything about their you know i'm just talking about rappers if your mind's going somewhere That's on you I could be talking about Eminem I could be talking about Mac Miller I could be talking about Vanilla Ice I'm tired of this Mac Miller guy Eminem

Has been rich for too long And now he's just a regular white guy Who has money Which is cool It's very – yes, dude, yes. Because when you give – it's funny. When you give like broke white people like a lot of money, and you see this with oil field guys,

they're the most – like one of the most racist demographics, which is fine or whatever. But you give these people like $120,000 a year and they start just buying the exact same vehicles. They're like, I need like an Escalade and just give me like a Corvette and this, like a Hellcat or whatever. And then you talk to them about politics

and they're like, well, you go to Chicago. They're riding around there you know cooped up cooped avails all the way yeah yeah cadillac cts car cars meanwhile like they're driving like a lowered hellcat that's white on white dude i was like i saw when i was in new york i saw this, I want to say it was a Viper. And it had like this custom wrap on it and like tents, rims, all that. And the dude, he was driving fast, but like huge change and all that driving fast. I was like, that's probably like a famous rapper, actually. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I wonder who that is because I guarantee I know who that is.

Or like, dude, if you're in new york proper it's either a famous rapper or a dude who's been moving weight since like freeway ricky ross days like a guy who just never got caught for whatever reason maybe an informant you just saw a guy who's either like an old head in the scene probably been rapping with like naz or you saw a dude who's been dropping dimes for like or just like a record label guy yeah like an a and r guy yeah yeah yeah yeah just a guy who like knows dr dre yeah yeah yeah they lived together in the projects when they were like 19 and just by nature of like his proximity to him he's like yeah i got viper money it's not a really a big deal dude vipers are one of those cars that like even if you go to get like yeah i got viper money it's not a really a big deal dude vipers are one of those cars that like even if you go to get like you can go on craigslist or

just go on car trader or whatever and you just type in dodge vibe like the even ones that are like high mileage like seven eight owners are like yeah seventy eight thousand dollars and like $28,000. And my... They're so fucking sick, dude. I fucking love Vipers. I love the fucking, like, the work, the engine, the body style. Do they still... They revamped them, I think, in 2016,

2017, and they did, like, a limited run. But you can still find one... It's not associated with Dodge anymore, is it? Yeah, it is. Oh, it is? Well, it might be. I think it's the Hennessy guys that, like, did. I don't know. I could be wrong.

I don't want anybody to come yell at me. But it's still Dodge. But I think that, like, in the same way that the Hennessy guys did a couple Chevrolet Camaros, they just turned them into fucking, like, basically, like, you know, Batmobiles. I think maybe they had a hand in it, but I could be wrong. Yeah, I mean, like, I imagine it being associated with Dodge in the same way that, like, you know, Batmobiles. I think maybe they had a hand in it, but I could be wrong. Yeah, I mean, like, I imagine it being associated with Dodge in the same way that, like, you have the Raptor with, like, eight wheels on it that Post Malone has.

It's like, yeah, it's a Ford. It's a Ford. Yeah, yeah, you're like, this is, their name's on it, you know. Like, you know. Dude, I honestly, like, I know they're corny and they're, like, the butt of a lot of jokes, but I think Raptors are sick looking, dude. Like, I know that people, you know, it's like. I'm going, you know, it's like, dude, I would totally drive one.

It's like the daddy's money truck, like the Texas, like, oh, my dad's, like, a site supervisor or whatever, you know. But, like, they're so sick, dude. Although, if I had that much money for a truck, I would just get a diesel. Or I'd buy a Cyclone. I want to get a Cyclone so bad. You know what GMC stands for? Come on now. What does it stand for?

It's a gay man's Chevy. Okay, but a Cyclone? You know what that stands for? Hey, it's a truck that goes fast. I don't know. Mexicans use drive-thru in my neighborhood. A cool. It starts with an S. That's wrong again. They're S's, not C's.

That's the name of the car. Okay. The super young. Super. Cool. Yo. Cool. Loco.

Loco. Only. Only. Knowing everything. Knowingoco. Only. Only. Knowing everything. Knowing everything. Yeah. Dude, the Cyclone is like, that is the quintessential lowered truck. And to buy one, also they had like, I think they had an upgraded engine in them i think it

was like the response to the svt that guy in your neighborhood that has oh you mean svt oh you mean the old cyclones yeah yeah the ones that were like they still make like a gmc like cyclone it's just no i'm talking about the ones that had like the v8 i know what you mean now i thought you meant like the new like 95,000 trucks? No, no. The ones that were like... They were like... Like around when the S10 was like... Right.

It was the response to the Ford SVT F-150, which is that guy has one in your neighborhood. We walk past it when we go to get shit from the store. Dude, I don't see it anymore. It was there for like two weeks. Now it's gone. That SVT? Dude, that motherfucker was sick.

Fuck, that truck was so sick. it was it was so cool i yeah i was so mad when that guy moved here or whatever i guess he was just here for a couple weeks you told me you were like i had the coolest truck on the block and now i'm like maybe this like i'm the second there's nothing that you can do about being the coolest truck guy yeah i was like i have to sell my truck and get a new truck now but the problem was his truck was worth like thirty thousand dollars more than yeah yeah yeah dude those like again those old cyclones and those old svts are like there's their value doesn't like so my dream car for the last since i was a kid is the pontiac it's the it's the holden monaro but rebadged is the pontiac gto they were made from 05 to 06 six six liter v8 like mean as fuck they were like under 10k like like the best muscle cars under 10k like 10 10 years ago like two years after their discontinued they were discontinued

now they're collector's items and so I'll go find them and they're going like 23 25 30 35 and they just keep getting more expensive. And it's like exiting my grasp is something that's realistic that I could attain one day. And I'm like, fuck, I want one of these fucking Pontiac GTOs so fucking bad. I've always wanted one to the point where I'm looking at them on Craigslist and they've got like 150,000 miles on it. Like we were joking earlier, it's like I could get like a year out of this guy. It's only like, what, 15 grand? I could get like a year and a half out of having my dream car you know and then you could just drop like twelve thousand dollars on it and then you can yeah

putting a new motor in it you know like just rebuilding it bankrupt myself a second time there's nothing wrong with that no there's never. Let me let you in on a little secret. There's no ethical consumption under capitalism. What? Yep. That's crazy to me. And therefore, you know, money is fake. And if you can use something fake to buy something cool, you have created something cool out of nothing.

Right. Rather than putting a bunch of you know it's like having a savings account is like having like a big pile of marbles you know maybe someday you'll get a slingshot and you can kill your neighbor's cat or whatever but where does that get you? You know? If you can use your marbles and you trade them in for, you know, a truck that barely runs. Yeah. That you try and haul like 3,000 pounds with every couple months and the transmission almost drops out from under the hood, you know? Right. It's fine.

It's all fine. You know? Right. It's fine. It's all fine. You know, if you went to, like, a king in the Middle Ages or whatever, and you were like, how about, like, you give me all your gold, and I'll give you, like, a Ford Raptor, he would take that deal.

And they didn't even have gasoline back then. Easy. Yeah. Yeah. I think, like, I don't know. Like, I make fun of these guys, like, in their cars. Like, when I worked at the plastics plant and I would walk out back to the parking lot and I would see, like, you see Hellcat, Camaro, Hellcat, Camaro, Raptor, Dually, Hellcat, Camaro, Dually, Dually, Dually, Raptor, Camaro, Hellcat.

And then, like like my Ultima I'm like man like and at the time I was like yeah I'm just gonna do this till I die like my dad does or whatever I had no other plans I was like dude I just got to get like a year's worth of checks put away and I got to join these motherfuckers you know because it's like oh I make fun of them but it's like I'm driving an Altima in a parking lot full of just, you know, fucking meat. I got to fucking step my game up. You got to get you some meat. I would ask these motherfuckers, hey, man, you know, that's a fucking $70,000 car. And they're like, yeah, I mean, I'm paying on it like $900 a month.

And you're like, oh, oh, you on it like $900 a month. And you're like, oh, you didn't buy this thing. I'm like, no, no, I'm kind of behind on it like a lot. I'm kind of like can't afford. I got like six different child support payments to like two different baby mamas. So, like this thing is kind of like my thing, i am i mean it is in repo like there's a tow truck outside my mama's house like right now but i put that i put that as my address so they will go to that one but i do have my own apartment but lately i have been seeing trucks outside my apartment so i think they pull records and see where i do live but i mean the hellcat is nice um it does cost me 1300 a month because i didn't put no money down

and i have a 520 credit score but that being said you do need to buy another car size this ultima i mean you know this is this is a woman's car. You know, this is not something that a man's supposed to drive. Anyway, motherfuckers. I fucking, I love doing this fucking show. I love this fucking show. This is my, I eat, live, and breathe this, you know. Yeah. I wake up every morning, I eat, live, and breathe this, you know. Yeah.

I wake up every morning and I think, what is, where am I? You know, what is, we're on a, did you know this, dude? We're on a floating rock in the middle of space right now. Did you know that? No, no, no. The world's flat. I mean. Oh, you goober. That's the end of that, you know that? No, no, no. The world's flat. I mean. Oh, you goober.

That's the end of that, you know. Yeah. And so what can we do with our time on this planet? Jack, Jack, Jack it all. You know, can you make a young child's life better? No, you can't. No, you can't. Can you make a real difference? no how am i supposed to know i'm a little boy but what you can do you can uh you can go over to patreon.com slash bodeo time

and you can give us five to maybe two hundred dollars a month if you'd like and then we can use that at the gas station when we i'll tell you one thing man i'm probably never going to start packing my lunch i'm just going to spend twenty dollars on snacks every morning forever that's fine yeah yeah and are you guys gonna put me in a position where i can't do that? You're going to lay the big daddy down on the line like that? I don't think so. You're going to go over to patreon.com slash pandeo time, and you're going to give me $5 right now. How does that sound?

That's good to me. And every time you pledge $5, we each get $5, I think. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $2.50, yeah, something like that. No, we each get $5, I think. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $2.50, yeah, something like that. No, we each get $5. Yeah, we each get $5. If you want to go to padeotime.com,

slash padeotime, ridge.wallet, and you're going to want to give us a fucking Subarino because me and Thomas, I'm going to tell you what, I'm tired of working. And, you know, I'm ready to tell you what, I'm tired of working. And, you know, I'm ready to get this fucking riddled. I'm tired of seeing Jake show up. The more money we make,

the less dedicated we get to the show. And that is objective fact. So if you want us to stop doing the show, you hate us so much, what would make more sense for you as a listener is to tell all your little fucking friends, because believe you me, and this is not a joke. We're doing it.

I'm serious right now. The more money that we make from this show, the less that we give a fuck about it. So if you don't like this show, I'm not kidding. I'm not doing a joke. If you don't like this show and you spend $ bucks a month on coffee, add another five to that. Dude, if you spend exactly five dollars a month on coffee, that is the best amount. You're actually really, that's impressive. You get coffee once a month.

Yeah. My little treats, so, you know. Yeah. If you don't like this fucking shit, if you want it to stop, I'm telling you right now. Are you telling me or are are you i'm telling the audience the host one of the you're looking at me you're looking me in the eyes i'm looking at the lens all right if you want this shit to stop get us to 10k a month because i swear to you if i'm pulling in five grand from this shit every monday and wednesday we record it's going to get

to the point where i'm like I don't feel good Jake's going to start letting me cook do you want that to happen? I'm a menace I will bring the whole operation he will bring this cocksucker down I try to actively I've been trying to for a year

that is true he has been doing a pretty good job anyway we don't have to record anymore. It's been an hour, so see you guys. Bye.