Pendejo Time - 420

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

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Yeah, I'm just cruising along. I-35, 100 miles an hour, fake gun, can of spray paint in the front seat. Airsoft gun from Walmart, can of spray paint from the same Walmart in the passenger seat. Car filled with trash. Just filled to the brim with, like, just trash, as my car typically is. Both my tires bald. Nissan Altima, scratches on the bumper you know what i mean i haven't two tires yeah so um i'm surprised dude i made it to fucking work these last three days because

i didn't notice this i put air in my tires like a few weeks ago because i had a slow leak but i didn't notice it then but but I wasn't looking. I typically don't care about if my tires have tread on them or, like, if there's oil in the car. I change the oil, but whatever. I don't really look at the tires. They get me to where I'm going. You're not supposed to change them as far as I'm concerned. And I was going to the parking lot,

and there was a guy out smoking a cigarette, one of the other camera guys or whatever the fuck. He was like, oh, the old and uh he was like oh the old nissan i was like yeah he like walks over and he goes hey man your sidewall is like splitting apart and i looked at it and i was like oh that's that's bad and he goes you've been driving on that and i was like uh-huh he goes you drove all the way from san marcos like that. And I was like, yeah. He was like, typical Nissan Altima behavior, right, brother? And I was like, I wanted to kill him in that moment, I told you. He's a nice guy, very funny guy.

I think we're friends. But in that moment, I was like, I know. I know that I have a Nissan Altima. I know that all of my alarms are on, all my lights. I know it has trash in it but i'm not i'm not like the other nissan ultima owners you know what i mean like i'm i'm better than them right uh yeah you know morally spiritually um i just think of your average person that owns that type of car like I think a white girl. I think wealthy white man.

I just like a white girl who has like tattoos on her pelvic bones. And she's like really into Zero. And you know, like fake Xanax. Specifically, she doesn't like the real ones. She likes the street pressed ones with the oxy in it,

or the fent, I suppose now. And she's hot, but in like a goes-to-jail-twice-a-year way. Yeah, in like an intrusive thought way. Yes. Yeah. Yep. And she says, she doesn't, she says, says i'm finna to but she says it whitely it's the wrong way to say it she doesn't have the cadence for it she's like i'm finna go to

the store do you need anything when y'all are hanging out and smoking weed together and you're like oh fuck in your head you're like i wish you wouldn't say stuff like that yeah i'll get uh can you bring me a 40 and a black and mild or a swisher or whatever the fuck. And she's like, all right, yeah, I bet. And you're like, God damn it. Why do we hang out together? Oh, right, you're trailer trash hot. That's why.

Okay, I got it. All right. I like that I'm just describing, and I think you know what I'm talking about. We talk about the wigger guy, and it's the wigger girl. You know what I mean? it's it's the it's we talk about the wigger guy and it's the wigger girl you know what i mean like that's what that is yeah uh the wigget yeah kind of girl that's like you you get in the car with her and you're doing like 95 on the freeway and she's like changing the song every 10 seconds she She won't let, it'll be like Gucci and then Flocka and then like back to Gucci and then Lil Wayne.

But she won't, she'll only let 30 seconds of a song play. She won't let the whole song play through and she's just weaving in and out of traffic. And you know, you're going to die. Well, you don't know,

but you know that it's a solid chance that you're going to die in a car with a girl, with a girl named Brittany, which is just like it's not britney's not a bad name but it's not the name of somebody that i want to die next to you know what i mean like it's not an honorable name it's not or whatever it's not i'm trying to think of honorable girl names they're all stupid also girl stupid they. They're not, you know. Maya.

I like Maya. Maya's in like a nice. That's like a cat name. Okay. All right. Luna. Dog name. Okay.

Fair. I'm just naming animal names for names for women. Spike. Butch. Jake. Yeah. Max. Wilfred. Spike Butch Jake Max Wilfred No I like That type of

I know that you grew up in a bit of a more rural area But that type of white girl was like prolific Where I went to school I'm sure you had a couple at least Like every It was mostly like the children Of like juggalos where I went to school. I don't know if you, I'm sure you had a couple at least. Like every, I feel like every role really. It was mostly like the children of like Juggalos.

Yeah. Yeah. Where it's like they had, like they were born with silver teeth, you know what I mean? Yes, all caps. Yeah, yeah. When you spell the man name.

Yeah, yeah. Where it's like they had a type of paleness about them that like the sun couldn't do anything about yeah like and it could be dead and no matter dead summer dude and you could like see veins like through their skin in their face like and no matter how often she showered her hair was greasy you know what i mean like it's that kind of like sheen and it's like it's it's it's it lays in such a I mean? Like, it's that kind of, like, sheen, and it's, like, it lays in such a way where it looks like it's been done,

but it's just grease. And she, like, she rips the blunt, and she's like, yeah, I've been really getting into, like, like, Zodiacs and shit. And you're like, for sure, yeah. And she's like, so, like, I'm as and shit and you're like for sure yeah and she's like so like i'm a cancer what are you and you're like i'm a pisces and she's like do it and you're like like a girl is too dumb to understand the horror school you know what i'm saying like it's like not even the correct interpretation yeah Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Of a thing you can just look up.

Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. Like, definitely, like, there's the horoscope girl who gets really into it. Damn, I knew you were a pikey. Yeah. What's your moon again? It's a library?

Yeah. Because, like, my... library yeah because like my um my rising cow my rising my rising dog is um is is uh is is north pole so i've been thinking that lately i need to clean the inside of my uh nissan cube out um i don't do i don't do anal with scorpions anymore because I know it doesn't work out. That's why I don't fuck on the first date if you're a lion. If you're a scorpion or a lion. I don't fuck animals, like animal type guys. Yeah, I fuck the air.

I fuck the air. Some of those girls, one of my favorite things to do is like, like I had a group of friends these hang out with and the girls in that group were like very woke and they were very like,

you know, like you can't say, you know, certain things like that. Oh, that's it. We shouldn't, we should say unhoused like those types of people.

And I would, I would search their Twitter at with the N word-word uh i would not use voice to type i would have a my black friend type it in my phone don't even think you're gonna get one over on me right and dudes some of those girls that we're talking about made the switch like 2015 but they didn't purge so like all their tweets from like 2012, like 2013 are like rolling in the regal me and my, you know, and you're like, oh, yeah, I know exactly who you were before you like got into politics like five years ago or like whatever the fuck. Like, just stay like that. That's a much cooler person to hang out with, in my opinion.

a girl that's like yeah like so like i dated a scorpion and he was like really like like just kind of like like just kind of like a manipulative like he was a gas gas he was a gas starter yeah he was a gas starter and he he was a gas starter and he uh you know like every time i would say something he would be like nah bitch it's the other thing and that's that's just like what a gas starter does you know and you're like for sure like I just kind of want to watch across the universe like the acid's kicking in and it's like yeah you know like the Beatles are like probably my favorite band all you need is love you know that's why I have it tattooed on my above my right above my pussy is is that with a guitar because my dad played guitar

before he got hit by a fucking Peterbilt. But you just got to keep living, you know? Anyway, it's not fun. It's not nice to make fun of girls like that. I don't feel like that's what... You think Wile E. Coyote ever got pussy from a human girl? I think he could connive his way into it, you know what I mean?

No, counterpoint. He always gets close to getting the roadrunner. Yeah, but he's only been up against one guy. He fumbles it in the end. I feel like he's the same way with women. Here's the thing. He only ever tries to outsmart the smartest animal in the world. Right, but that's my point.

Yeah. Is that... You don't have to be smart to get... Here's the thing. All right. I feel like women are drawn to individuality. The rest of the coyote community, even in the cartoon world, is not doing the things that Wiley is doing.

You look at other coyotes, where are they? They're not even on the scene. He's in his own lane. That's true. He's fucking, dude, where the fuck did he get a grand piano? That's true. Much less money. Dude, he's got fucking, He's got sponsorships and shit

He's got He's got surface to air Dude He's got surface to air missiles and shit Yeah it's a good point He's got money He sets up fucking zip lines constantly He's a fun guy

He's adventurous And he can He can fall to the bottom of a ravine And come back to life That's true He's tough too So he's got money I don't mean this in a

Weird way at all but like if i was a girl i'd let him fuck this shit out of me you know what i mean yeah you make a good point that's who i just carrying like who i want like i'd want to carry his seed yeah yeah for sure yeah yeah because you look at what you want to pass on in a new generation of coyote it's not you know it's not a you don't want the same old you know because coyotes are they got to adapt constantly they're a dime a dozen yeah yeah and they're under you know they're under persecution in the cities and everything they've got to get forced out of their natural habitats. You've got a motherfucker who can set up a three-to-one with a grand piano.

He set up pulley systems. That's who I want laying it down in my neck of the woods. In my coyote coot. Yeah, for sure. Now, as for whether he got to fuck human girls, we really don't know at this stage. Yeah, that's yet to be determined. Yeah, but I feel like if i was a human girl out in the desert and i was looking for a strong young man to help me get by

and i saw despite his animal nature i saw a character like that i'd at least want to get to know him now as for whether it will lead to a sexual relationship, that's a whole other story. For sure, yeah, no doubt. I do wonder whether he has probably manipulative... Tendencies? Behaviors, yeah, yeah. I wonder if he could make anything work long-term, you know? I doubt it. Yeah.

He's probably one of those. Well, I mean, he clearly has dedication and follow-through. He has will, because he has these. But here's that's the thing I was talking about earlier is, is that he never gets the finish. He never gets the kill. You know, he gets like millions of dollars in surface to air missiles and fucking landmines and goddamn pulley systems and ten thousand dollar pianos. He travels the earth to get after this motherfucker. He literally goes from the one end to the other,

from sea to shining fucking sea. He never gets him. So I just feel like in my humble opinion, I would say that maybe he could get the girl back to his apartment. You know what I mean? And he throws the 45s on. He's bumping some fucking Marvin Gaye, and it's looking like it's going to happen for him.

And she's down. She's really enjoyed her evening. They went to a really nice restaurant. He paid for everything. The Uber on the way there, the food, the drinks, the Uber on the way back, right? And then something happens. He says something. You know what I mean?

Like, he says, like, you know, I tried on a Magnum condom once, and it didn't fit. You know what I mean? Like, he says something that would immediately, like she no longer wants anything to do with Wiley. I can see that for sure. He gets very close to pulling the trigger and then the clip falls out at the end. You know what I'm saying?

It just doesn't... It doesn't... Kind of the Aziz Ansari of the coyote world in a way. For sure, yeah. The Aziz Ansari of coyotes where world, in a way. For sure, yeah. The Aziz Ansari of coyotes, where it's like, yeah, you're an A-lister. You've done it. You've done everything you set out to do.

He's the most famous coyote by a long shot. Yeah, he's an A-list coyote. He's done everything that he needed to do, clearly, because he has money and he has connections. This is for coyotes what Aziz Ansari is for Southeast Asian comics. Correct. That is the peak of which you try to summit. You attempt to get there. That is sort of the line you always try to get to.

And then when it happens for aziz and for wiley you know they get the roadrunner you get the nyu english creative writing major major to your apartment where the fuck you're like hey let me let me suck on your elbow you know what i'm saying like you fuck the game up you know like oh i why don't you okay why don't you lick the inside of my knee oh i bet i bet this is what your dad looks like naked you know yeah yeah yeah i bet this is what your dad looks like naked you know yeah yeah yeah i bet this is what your dad's balls look like bitch that nice ass i bet it looks like a fucking piece of shit uh damn damn girl you could there's here's, I just cleaned it, there was a whole bunch of fucking shit in there.

There was a whole bunch of fucking poop in there. I fucking cleaned it. Damn, you're, you're. Damn, you look fucking good, I'm glad I cleaned up all this shit off my fucking house. Hey, thanks for coming by my park soap mansion, your titties look like sand to me. It just looks like a pile of dirt. Um, of dirt I wish I could fucking come straight through you And it would kill you like a hydraulic leak Yeah I got all my sexy underwear right now

And they make my shit look like two hams Damn girl I'm glad I didn't wear a fucking diaper today Cause you're gonna suck this fucking dick and it's not going to smell like a baby wipe. It's going to smell normal. Yeah, but shit, dude, I hope you had a good-ass time. My shit's stinky right now. There's, like, green lines coming off my shit.

Yeah. If you need anything, there's water and fried eggs and also condoms in the fridge. I fry my eggs a couple weeks in advance so that I can just put them in the microwave for a couple hours and eat them in the morning I want and then fucking eat them. I lick the fucking door of the microwave and that's how I eat my fucking breakfast every day.

Yeah, thanks for coming by, bitch. I really appreciate your time. You can have some tap water. There's a loaded AK in the closet If you want to play with that Thanks for coming back to my fucking house If you use the bathroom There should be a bunch of blood in the sink

If there's not let me know Hey if you're going to take a shit Make sure you make it loud I want to be able to hear it from outside the door Can you fucking make me dinner I'm so tired and you've been such a bitch all night. You know how annoying it is to hang out with a lady when all you want to do is just to get her to take your diaper off at the end of the night.

You just want to get her to rub on your diaper. The outside, the front side of it, where the front is. My front part. Oh, God, you look so good, even for a white girl. And normally, I've never actually, I've never been with a white girl. You look so fat right now. You look fat as fuck, and you look ugly as shit. You look ugly.

I know that I've been nothing but kind, but now that you're in my apartment, you're the ugliest, nastiest, fat bitch I've ever seen in my life. You probably love fucking my brother. You probably love having sex with my turtles. Damn, look, you can see my dog from across the room. Even he wanted to get in on it. Yeah, even... Yeah, you said

I got a pinch or even he wanted a piece. He wanted to get a pinch. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. I want to role play. You pretend you're a dentist and you clean my mouth out before we have sex. Yeah, I'm a wild dog and you're the dog catcher. I got a big net in the bedroom.

You got to go get the net. You ever watch Dirty Jobs? This is one dirty job. You got to clean my house or you don't get to suck my dick. Hey, have you ever seen parks and rec i'm in that show i'm about to park uh my dick in you and then make your life a wreck you get it bitch are you listening to me yeah um man man um i'm basically like the Dan Schneider of my job of working at a restaurant. Because I basically, anytime I want a handjob, I just ask one of the girls there a bunch of times.

Yeah. Yeah. I would fuck you, but I got a handjob this morning from one of my friends. Yeah, I'm kind of like the sexual conqueror in my workplace. You know what I mean? They're just like anything I want, I get basically. I can have all the fried eggs that they have there. You ever had a train run on you? You ever had a Southeast Asian train run on you you ever had a southeast asian train run on you i got so many

brothers man i bet all the dudes in this apartment complex would probably fuck you if they didn't have wives i've got like 16 cousins and they all live in my car outside for out front they're not supposed to be here in new york with me um but they're they're really lonely guys they really only have each other to have sex with. So they'd be really happy, you know. I know you're really fat and gross. You ever shot a fucking bow and arrow? I bet you haven't because you fucking suck.

Have you ever seen a lightsaber that's real? Damn, I just fucking jailbroke my fucking Xbox. And I got games on there where I just play with pussy all day, basically. Yeah, I got one of those weird first-player games that they make in China where if you get all the puzzles right, they show you a grainy pick of boobs. We could play that together if you want. Yeah, my cousin, he hacked the Wii, so you can play Wii fingering on there, and you can finger all the Miis on there, and you can fuck them, too.

Yeah, I got got to They're all Overage I got the Filipino Dating sim You just kinda work As a street vendor For a while Till you get kidnapped

We could play that one together I'd let you watch A fucking movie But my sound system My surround sound system Is so good I get fucking scared Every time I even watch

Batman or any of those Movies Any movie that has a bat in it get fucking scared every time I even watch Batman or any of those movies. Any movie that has a Batman, I get scared. Yeah, I can't watch Batman, and I can't watch any type of movie with an animal. I tried to watch Marley and Me the other day, and I had to burn my house down. This is my second apartment. You want to watch Sausage Party while I show you how far I can come across the room? You want to watch Sausage Party while I show you how far I can come across the room?

You ever seen how much blood is in the side of a man? Because I have like a lot, like way more than a normal guy. Like your average guy probably has like 10 liters of blood. I've got like 56 liters of blood in me. I gave so much blood to my aunt, she blew up. Yeah, yeah. She was dying of leukemia, kidney leukemia, and I gave her 38 pints of blood,

and she swelled up to the size of a fucking minibus, and then she died. I got thrown off a fucking balcony this morning, and it hurt so bad I killed the guy who did it to me. Yeah, I fell off the balcony, and I made a little hole in the ground with my little ass dick because I was so hard the whole time because I stay hard. You know what I mean? And then this random hot bitch walked by, and she walked right over me,

and she was wearing a dress, and she wasn't wearing underwear, and I saw her whole pussy, and she sat her pussy on, and my fucking dick came out of my pants. I remember I fucking fell and tried to kill myself, and she fucking started basically right in my fucking dick on the fucking sidewalk and started sucking my dick and basically she turned around we started 69ing and then i fucking and then we started fucking and then we fucked doggy style then we fucked missionary style and then i fucked her in the head i fucked her face and i fucked her in the butt and then we back

we'll back up to her place and then we had sex and then she sucked my dick and then i fucked her in the butt, and we went back up to her place, and then we had sex, and then she sucked my dick, and then I fucked her, and then she went in, and we started 69, and then we went back to my place, and we started basically kissing, and started having sex, and fucking.

Yeah, anyway, thanks for stopping by Bitch you gotta go Basically what Like don't Like don't Don't even Don't even try to have sex

With me Just do that For like 10-15 minutes Like anyway bitch You got it So like basically What happened was So like

I was at the fucking Dog park right And I don't have no dogs But I like I like fucking girls who have dogs because they're so sensitive to dog noises. And when you sound like you got stepped on, they really like you more, and they check up to see if you're okay.

When you talk like a yelping Jack Terrier, when you're like, I pretended to get attacked by, I kicked a kind of corso in the butt, and then it started hurting. And then basically it started mauling me and ripping my fucking legs and arms off. And this bitch came over, and she was white, but it was cool. She came over, this white bitch, and basically got him off of my limb. And once he was off my limb, she started basically bandaging me and putting bandages on and salves and potions on me and shit yeah basically took me to her car and she said we gotta take a closer look at this is it okay if i take off your pants and i said um under normal

circumstances i can't say yes but if i have to say yes i will and she says yeah i'm a medical necessity and it has to happen so i did it basically what that led up to was i got um a new room massage from her in the back seat of her uh of her pontiac aztec and then she started putting fucking sexual oil on me lighting candles in there and then one thing leads to another we start holding hands

and basically kissing and fucking and she put her 69 on me and we basically 69 for I think it was like

two hours and then basically that led to us kissing and making out. And basically we headed back to the dog park or back to my place, which I live under the dog park. So it was really convenient. And then it was like fucking hell of dog noise, but we still like managed to fuck.

I think it was like 15 times, 15, 15,000 times. and then basically we started one thing led to another we started almost having sex and yeah i fucked her i think 20 about 20 hours and then uh-huh yeah yeah and then um basically one thing led to another we ended up having sex but it was just one of those things where like you never see it coming to the day no see true true love is is a spontaneous thing you know what i mean um like i always tell my friends you know they're like how do you have so much luck you know with the affair sex and i'm like it's just like you you can't go out expecting it you just it you

become a conduit for it yeah you go out demanding it you know what i mean yeah you go out expecting it. You become a conduit for it. Yeah, you go out demanding it. You know what I mean? Yeah, you go out demanding it at rifle point. Because everybody's got the toolie these days, but not everybody's got the chopper. Yeah, I think Ronald Reagan said that. Bitches love it when you know a little bit of history. When you know the history of how the world works,

when you can name all the kings and the noblemen and shit uh we just love it when you're like uh oh you know the persian king bistopheles he was the one that let all the um jews go uh to the market and she's like goddamn God damn, I love how you know history. That shit gets me fucking hot as hell. I can't wait for you to ravage me like a fucking dying animal

and you're like, I know, bitch, because I wrote the book on this shit. Dude, it's so easy. It's so easy to find a wife. It's so easy.

It's so easy to get a girl to like you. Yeah. Because here's the thing about me is that I've probably had like 68 wives. Damn, that's so many. Yeah, and every one of them I killed because I got bored. But I got every one of them. They all said yes.

And that's half the battle. The other half is getting a new wife. Yeah. All my wives die so fast. Yeah. I think a wife only has a 24-hour lifespan like a fly. Yeah, they all get plume disease. They all have chronic wasting syndrome like elk get.

It's like a prion disease. Yeah, my last bitch died of Dutch elm disease. Yeah, my last bitch died of fucking bot fly larvae. Damn, bro. Yeah, damn, bro. But here's the thing, like, when a lot of guys say, oh, I don't know how to do dating apps, I don't know how to talk to women anymore, you know,

you just got to have, like, a game plan. A woman is like a game. It's like a puzzle to solve. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You know, I mean mean what can you do we live in a world where people are more concerned with with social media than being devotional to where your friends and family are needing you. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. People are worried about the universe when they should be worried about their cheddar first. Damn. You know? Damn. Damn. Damn.

Damn. Yeah. Damn. I hear that. I hear that. People are worried about catching Omicron, but I'm smoking Omicron.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People are worried about catching the flu, but they're not thinking about what's true. Yeah, yeah. People are worried about catching the flu,

but they're not thinking about what's true. And that's a problem with Gen Z, is that they're always trying to make a TikTok when they should be trying to buy their girlfriend a Big Rock. You know what I'm saying? Because marriage is the way, the truth, and the life, or something like that. Dude, I'm such a big Christian, bro. I really feel like I have come into my own as a follower of Christ.

Amen. I hear that, and I really respect you for it. I remember whenever I first met you, you had a huge problem with pornography addiction as well as racism and intrusive thoughts regarding pedophilia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So far, I remember I used to catch you jacking off like you would be driving me places

and you would just start pulling on it and you wouldn't even realize it. Yes, for sure. I'd be listening to Tyler Childers right now and it's not even like the mood isn't even right. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. No, I have been.

I was in a really dark place. Damn. I was in a dark spot. I lived in Abilene. That's where I was at. It was the place I was at a dark spot. I lived in Abilene. That's where I was at. It was the place I was at that was dark. And there's just no streetlights out there. They've all been shot out by BB guns.

And so there's not a lot to do out there except smoke glass and watch foreign types of pornography. Foreign both in terms of place of origin and foreign both in terms of its alien and surreal nature. Something very bizarre happened to me as a boy. I won't get into the details. Do you think that if aliens sent a transmission of one of them fingering themselves

that the scientists here would have to watch that shit and study it? I always... Like, what if we were trying to communicate like genuinely like on some player shit you know what i mean yeah and they were just like sexting us i wouldn't like that i would say our scientists have girlfriends and wives and husbands and boyfriends. I assume there are some women scientists out there. Like a couple. They're not very good. Shush.

That's fine. You know, it's weird that they've kept STEM jobs because they're fun to begin with. If you burp one more time, you're going to do something so drastic you won't even burp. Okay. I was bluffing.

I didn't have anything in mind. They call me the burper, dude. They don't call you that. That's not a fucking nickname. They call me the burper, dude. Made up nickname. I've never heard anybody call you that. I'm calling Cap. They call me the burper made up nickname because i fucking i've never heard anybody call you that i'm calling cap they call me big burp um yeah i figure like honestly i think the seti the search for extraterrestrial intelligence and like nasa and that the

blinkwood 82 guys group it's like like two to two stars or some shit. They send out all these radio signals that are like, uh, basic ones and zeros binary code, assuming they're hubris much larger than, you know, themselves as men, their, their,

their egos, you know, outweigh their outsize their physical form. They send out radio binary like beep beep beep which is you know means like hey what's up what if the aliens don't understand that what if they only understand videos of a guy jacking off like what if they only want to send jo vids to each other what if they've evolved to the point where that's the only form of communication that they have are you looking at your phone, man? No.

Oh, okay. Are you lying to me right now? I was reading about Stitch Duran. The guy that Dana White fired for speaking out against the Reebok deal. Oh. Oh, yeah. I remember him. Yeah.

And Dana White's such a catty bitch. Yeah. Oh yeah I remember him Yeah And Dude Dana White's such a catty bitch Yeah He fired him Cause the guy was like I don't like this deal Dana White was like Stitch has never been my friend

Yeah Dana You should come on the show And suck on the And set the record Suck on the big big old white boy dick. We're going to kill you slow. It was so funny when Nate Diaz, so every fighter, when they were doing a press,

I think it was the, not the Tony fight, I think it was the second McGregor fight. They were, no, the Leon fight Leon fight sorry it doesn't matter anyway they were doing pressers yeah like for media day or whatever and uh every in front of every fighter was a bottle of rocks the rocks vodka and then a pair of like his new running shoes and I think at some point they were supposed to like interact with it like pick the shoe up or something and you know like the fighters start the night are like oh shit hey free tequila oh who owns this the rock like clearly it's product placement but like trying to make it organic and like nate diaz was like hey who who's fucking who's fucking shoe is this The Rock Hey Fuck that Hey you big ass bitch And fucking

Vodka tastes like Fucking shoe This Fuck Just like Not He doesn't have CTE He just

That's just He just I mean he has a little But he's just like He's the coolest UFC fighter in the world And that's just Like how he gets down

And he was like This vodka fucking sucks man And He's the coolest UFC fighter in the world. And that's just how he gets down. And he was like, this vodka fucking sucks, man. And these fucking shoes are ugly as shit. Fuck you. And he threw the shoe into the crowd. And all the fighters are laughing. And then at one point, the camera cut to Dana as he walked to the podium. And he's just like, you can't fire. Nate Diaz isn't a cut man.

He is like, the UFC has several faces and he's one of them. And so it's like, you can't even reprimand the guy. I guarantee you he probably approached him after and was like, Nate, buddy, you know how this works, right? And he's like, no. He's like, the way, you know, fuck, man, I don't want to disrespect you or nothing, you know. But we got a lot of guys, you know, we got a lot of sponsorships. And you got to play ball, you know, Nate, with the vodka and with the shoes. And fuck, ball bitch.

You fucking, you fuck, come over here and suck this white boy dick. It says the same shit you say, but just in that accent. I would love to fight Nate Diaz in about 20 years. You know what's funny is he's, he like, I know that I have like 20 pounds on him, but he would just beat the fucking shit out of me, dude. Like he's one of those guys. He's doing the Jake Paul fight, isn't he? I think so yeah i'm not happy about that i don't i don't know i'm not happy about that but it's funny that he like

i think i've tried to make the point that he in my eyes if there was no rounds and no ref he's like the best fighter he's not the best like mixed martial artist the UFC has he's just the best fighter and what I mean by that is like in a five round fight they're five minutes long with rules and stoppages you know he's been stopped before but if you just put him in like a bay like a basketball court in like new mexico in a fist fight where there's like no one's gonna break it up he wins 10 out of 10 times with anybody i think like you can't knock him out really like i don't know what's going you can't you can't hurt him yeah like he can get bloody and shit he He'll be, like, bleeding out, and he's like, fuck you, bitch. Fucking, all y'all motherfuckers pussies to me.

Like, as he's dying, like, he's been shot, like, 36 times with a gun. And he's like, everybody out here is pussy to me. Y'all a bunch of hoe-ass bitch-made guys. And then his brother's like, I don't even want to be here. Dude, that interview, before he fought Robbie Lawler the second time,riel hawani is like uh are you happy to be back nick he's like no i don't want to do this and ariel's like he thinks he's like i guess he thought uh that nick was like like trying to make him like he was like what do you mean by that you know i know you love the fight i fucking don't like it he's like but you know know, I know you love the fights. I fucking don't like it. He's like, but you know, you love your fans.

You love the UFC. I don't love any of those people, man. I don't want to be here. They put me in a position, man. It's a fucked up thing. I'm not allowed to talk about it. But, you know, the fact of the matter is, Ariel, like, I should have been fighting for the belt when they fired me. And now they want me to do this shit

i don't fucking he's like well what do you how's your relationship with nana fuck him like he did he like didn't know part of him wanted anything to do with that which i respect because like you have to be a big name in that organization to talk like that any guy that's like yeah fighters should get paid more that's like a no-name they're getting you're gonna fight you're gonna fight the next guy you fight is one of those dagastani wrestler guys that's just gonna dog fuck you the next guy you fight is like not an even match it's not it's a guy it's some guy named slobodan murganagovich with like a 68 no record that's like before he was a ufc fighter his job was like killing baby goats. You're fighting a guy who's clearly 70 pounds heavier than you on a fight.

Yes. Somehow. Yes. Yeah. He cuts. He just invokes the power of Allah and then cuts 120 pounds and then walks into the cage for a lightweight fight at 225. Yeah.

Like 80 pounds. One of those Dagestani guys, I'm like, how are your kidneys still functioning? Dude, Islam Makachev walks around at like 190 pounds. Like all those guys, like, well, what's funny is a lot of them got caught with meldonium. I don't know if you know what that is. It's like a heart medication, but it's like off-label used as almost like a windstraw or kind of like Ozempic. You just drop weight. It just falls off.

It dries you out, too. And so a lot of them get caught with that shit, but it's not a big fine. It's not a big no-no. It's not like taking D-ball or something. You know what I mean? Islam got caught with it, but he only got suspended i think for like six months this was like early in his career but yeah all those motherfuckers like you see pictures of them out of fight camp and they're like fat but like swole fat you know like they probably like benching

like 280 for reps or whatever the fuck and then like yeah fight night they're like i'm like how the fuck does that guy make 155? Like I look at Islam and I'm like, how does that, how does Khabib make 155? I mean, he's fat now because he's coaching, but like there's just no way. How is that guy like 30 pounds lighter than me? I only use myself as point of reference.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it is kind of funny to think of those guys Googling Ozempic and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're like... They've been forged in steel. They're like mythical people, and then they're like Dr. Oz drugs. Yeah, they're like the people and then they're like yeah yeah dr oz drugs yeah they're like the orcs and lord of the rings like just sort of like a very like a like a brutal powerful you know like race of men created by you know some evil wizard and they live in literally

inhospitable conditions they live at the top of a mountain where it's, like, constantly negative 70 degrees, and they only eat, like, fucking dirt and shit. And then, yeah, they're Googling, like, ephedra and, like, tummy tea. They're, like, on Instagram DMing fucking, like, Instagram thotties and, like, hello. And, you know, she's like, oh, my God, you're a UFC fighter, right?

Please be quiet. I want to know what you take to make belly tiny I don't please do not send me pictures of your tits well this is not I'm not allowed to look I will look a little maybe only for I look kind of um but please you have Tommy T for selling to me or you potentially have something like Spanish medicine that make me tiny like a baby. I can pay you in one leg of mule. What's funny when those guys. So like when like George Masvidal does like an interview and it's like, hey're going back home to miami papi and like it's the mansion and you know there's like big titty it's he lives like a rapper there's like the like

fake titty broads in the fucking pool and you know he's been snorting that shit and he's like you know we you know we got the fucking sound system that's it you know we keep it fucking live and the fucking in miami-dade in the fucking florida Ron DeSantis, shout out to my homie Trump, I love you. He's got like 16 cars. And then they follow fucking Umar Dagbanabadov up to the fucking mountains. And he's like, hello, this is family hut. He has just as much money, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Just as much money you know what i mean like yeah yeah just as much but he's like hello this is same hut grandfather built after fall of ussr uh same cut uh same land for 1000 year um this is wife and his wife is you know not on camera she she out on the other side of hill uh this is donkey like it it's like a vice documentary because they live in a war-torn area too like you're just hearing like gunshots going off and shit it's fucking i i i love those guys it sounds like i'm making fun of them and i guess i for sure am and i i they would absolutely kill me i know they're listening you know that's the thing to worry about here yeah that well i know they're fighting bears know that's the thing to worry about here yeah I know they're fighting bears

and listening to Pandejo Time Pandejo Time in the mountains of fucking the Caucasus and Chechnya and shit dude it's so awesome that those guys hang out with that Kadyrov like the guy that has

oh yeah the dictator guy yeah the guy that has his kids fight in child UFC like his like 10 and 11 year old sons that are like he's just been giving like brain damage to since they were babies they fight in like the world's only child mixed martial arts thing and he's the guy that like started it it's funny too um fighters will go over there to like chum it up with him and i don't know i'm not saying that they're stupid but like they're they're fighters like they they probably kind of know who he is

you know what i mean like on like a they know that he's somebody that has power and they probably know he's maybe a little shady but they don't know like the to what degree and uh there was like a video of one of them I forget who it was like wrestling with Kadyrov and like clearly letting Kadyrov win like they were on mats and he's like shooting for a takedown but like this shitty like like this this the shittiest schoolyard bully like double leg you've ever seen and like slow as fuck and Katarov's got like a big fat like dictator belly you know and he's like wheezing and like he gets the guy in like an like an like a head and arm choke and like very fatly rolls him over and then the other guy taps and he's like oh you you got me

man and then katarov like says something in chechen and then the subtitles are like yeah you know got to stay strong and it's like dude i'd be because, like, what if you don't know? What if you just put him in an armbar in one second because you're a train killer? And then, like, the next, like, you go to fly home, and, like, a fucking jet just takes your shit, like, straight the fuck out of the sky. I'd love to. I think we should convert, and we should head over there. Convert to Islam?

Yeah, but I guess we have to learn we should head over there. Convert to Islam? Yeah. But I guess we have to learn some of the mystic language. I imagine it's sort of similar to a dwarven situation. I don't speak any Muslim, but I'd love to learn some. Yeah. You know, dude, Katerov really does look like a dwarven king. He does. It's cool that that guy exists.

It sucks that he's a real person, you know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. As a concept, he's a cool guy. I agree with you 100%. The fact that Putin has a guy who kills people with dogs. Like a mythic warlord at his beck and call. Like an evil wizard. Putin is the most powerful man in a hemisphere.

Yeah, yeah. He has to sometimes talk to a guy who looks like radagast to make sure that that guy doesn't like send a bunch of fucking like isis guys amish isis guys to come fucking kill him like that's a big this fucking dwarf guy is like one of the most powerful men in the world when you think about it and he looks he's like a dwarf welder he looks fucking katarov looks so fucking stupid it's amazing yeah he's he it's funny because it's like yeah if putin is like like an old like a 10 000 year old very powerful like you know not evil not good wizard just kind of like you know ambivalent in a way he has to chum it up with like yeah the orc king like he doesn't like the orc king the orc king is a fucking barbarian

he's a sick fuck you know what i mean like he yeah he's six dogs on children he throws fucking women off roofs and he like fucking like he like scalps babies like, oh, look at that bald little baby fucking rip its head off. He like just he just eats cats that like he goes to his friend's house. He's like, that shit looks good. Rips its fucking leg off and eats it like a goddamn chicken wing. And the wizard has to be like, I got to fucking hang out with this guy. I just you don't have any choice. I'm pretty sure that I don't know if Chechnya has official nukes, but I'm sure they got, like, something fucked up.

That guy's got some, you know what I mean? Like, some old USSR, like, they've got, like, an 80-year-old nuclear bomb. You know what I mean? Like, one nuclear bomb that looks like a steampunk, like, tool from, like, the early days of the cold war like one of the first ones and katarov just like hums baseballs at it all day and like gnaws on the wings of it and shit yeah it's pretty sick you ever like you have a you have a friend this is who he is to me not a friend back in your partying days a guy that hangs on the periphery that's like a really violent drunk.

And you don't know if he can beat your ass, but you don't want to find out because you know it would hurt even if you won. So you kind of have to hang out with him. Like he's your friend's friend. You know what I mean? I don't know if I had a couple guys like that. They get drunk and they want to fight and they want to wrestle. And they always take it too far. They're always getting in like,

like, like fights at parties. And, uh, but you can't really ever not be friends with them because you're pretty sure if you ever confronted about anything again, like he would beat the shit out of you. And even if you won, you really still lost.

Like, it's just a zero sum game to try and like reason with a guy like that just a wild dog of a man and it's funny as fuck that he hangs out with hasbulla it's it starts at putin putin has katarov then katarov has his own smaller evil guy that like doesn't have any land or power but is is also evil in a way. You know what I mean? Like, his rage is, of course, impotent due to his size, but. He looks like the worst brother-in-law ever.

Katerov or Hasbulla? Katerov. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like you meet him, and you're like, this guy could be okay. And then as soon as they're married, he's like, well, there's going to be some rules when you guys come together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. She's gone.

Whatever. Yeah, it's over. You could drop him into like Cajun Louisiana, like down by the coast where like where they still speak French, like they speak Creole, and he would fit right the fuck in. He wouldn't know the language, but you'd just think he worked on a shrimp boat. Like, you give him a Miller Lite, and he's like, yes. Like, he does look very much like...

You said Amish earlier. It's funny that we have our own Dagestanis, and if Amish guys were allowed to learn how to wrestle, dude, we would have our own version. They all live in the gayest, most fucked up mountains. Same as Russia. They're pretty impressive mountains, but it's not the coolest mountains. All these motherfuckers live in the Poconos. And some of them live in Ohio.

And a lot of them live in like the corn lands of Pennsylvania. Just a shitty fucking area. Just not a place you want to live. They're all tough as nails. None of them have ever even seen a cigarette. They want women to go outside and just like fucking die of dysentery. All right, new plan for the show. We make enough money and we go teach wrestling to the

amish we got to get these guys out of the ufc they're too much of a dominating force hello hello okay sometimes sometimes i know you're not listening to me no you paused and paused and I thought you cut out, so I'm just going to let you finish. Oh, no. No, I think you turned your camera off. I was listening intently. I'm assuming that your internet was going out. Jake, I can't pay attention. It says my internet's fine.

It says my internet's perfectly fine. It says the other internet is connected to the Homo network, and mine is not allowed to connect to it because mine is on a straight guy's network. It says testosterone level of Wi-Fi owner, 950 nanograms per deciliter. Testosterone level of guest on Discord channel, 2 nanograms per deciliter. That's what it says. No, it doesn't. It says something else.

It says that because I'm the host of it. No, I said owner of the Wi-Fi of the house of where I live. And it says that the other guy in the Discord, Thomas, has a pussy. It says, I'm looking at it here, and it says Jake is, it says Jake, he is addicted to cinnamon sugar. What? That's crazy. It says you put cinnamon sugar on your sandwiches

and you eat ham and cinnamon sugar sandwiches with butter and you wash it down with a big glass of gay guy drink. That doesn't seem right at all. That's crazy. I don't even know work the next day. And the other host, Jake Rhodes, never would let anything like that happen to him and in fact calls the police on scoundrels that do such a thing. I'm looking at this source code it looks like it's some sort of Boolean expression and I

just ran the program and it returned zero so that means it's false. Yeah. So that's crazy and I really appreciate you using your expertise and computers to check that. I just put it into chat GPT to check your work, and it said that you forgot a one in your true-false statement.

And it actually says it's true that you let manatees beast your shit out like a donut hole. And it says that I am going to be president of the world forever. It does say that because previously in the program you declared that. So if it's already defined as true, it's going to return as true. It is true. Thank you for saying it's true. Thank you for saying it's true. No, thank you for saying that. true. Thank you for saying it's true. No, thank you for saying that.

I really appreciate you saying that. I really appreciate you saying that. I fucking love that you... I love that you fucking... I'm just so proud. It's true based on the fact that your asshole, Jake's asshole is the size of a gay guy's true, and it's true based on the fact that your asshole, Jake's asshole, is the size of a gay guy's asshole, which is pretty much normal, but a little bit bigger maybe or smaller one way or the other. I don't know if – I don't think they would have –

I'm texting the guy who started Discord. They returned to normal. I don't think you permanently have a bigger asshole unless you put like a basketball in there. I just – I'm texting the guy from Discord right now. And he says that. The gay guy from Discord? And it's not me, it's somebody else. No, I'm texting the main guy from Discord, not the gay guy.

You have gay guy on your mind because we've discussed. Because I'm talking to you. No, because you are the, again, you are projecting your own life problems onto me. So you're talking to a gay guy right now? Yes, I am talking to you. That's funny because my mic is muted and you've been talking to yourself. No, you clearly are responding to me, so you are admitting, at least tacitly, implicitly, that you are the gay guy and I am the cool guy. That's right, but my mic isn't on and it's you talking to yourself.

And you are, you just responded to me, so it's clearly on. Yes, you just responded to yourself. It's on, it is on. Your own mic is on and it's you talking to yourself. And you just responded to me, so it's clearly on. Yes, you just responded to yourself. It's on. It is on. Your own mic is on and you're gay. And the guy from Discord just texted me and he said that you texted him asking to suck his dick. So, hmm. That's kind of odd.

so it's kind of odd yeah i just got a text message from joe biden and he said that they're putting on they're making a new watch list they have to make a new one for you because you're so gay it's a threat to national security interests yeah apparently that he's doing an executive order for you to get out from under his desk because his penis is raw. It's got eczema. It's so raw. It says you've had it in your mouth for so long it looks like a dry date. Well, I can't believe he would say something like that because i remember that he had reached out to me and i heard you were only going to to ireland because

joe biden's gonna be there he suck his dick while he's over there and he did he said that the cia reached out to him and he was like hey if you hear any misinformation about me putting out an executive order like that the about you sucking my dick the origin of that they're trying to distract from the fact that whoever put that that report out it's it's fake news and they're actually they're trying to distract from the fact that they were the ones sucking my dick so thank you for owning up to that um because i was really worried uh i had been in contact with the head of the cia and they had said that that whoever sort of releases that information is trying to to put out like to disseminate false information. They want to distract from the fact that they were the ones sucking Joe Biden's dick

until it looked like a dry date. So thanks. I was really concerned as to who it was, but I'm glad it's you and not me. Yeah, no, it's no problem. The CIA said you were disseminating into a guy's ass. So I'm not sure what that was about. I don't know if maybe they're using that word in a context I don't understand. That could be the case.

But yeah, it said you were spreading a guy's butt and disseminating into it. That's crazy. That's nuts, man. I think you may have been talking to somebody maybe who works works uh at the kremlin or something uh maybe just like a russian agent they said you're a secret uh agent double double uh double 069 and that that you there's new operations called operation roadhead and it's where you ride with the director of the cia every morning and you suck his dick on the way to work. That's correct.

I do. I do remember. No, I think you're misremembering. It was it was operate. It was Operation White White Sauce. And you would get pizza every day with Vladimir Putin and he would make you jack off into the pizza as an Alfredo one. And then you both eat it together. I don't recall that being true,

but what I do recall is Operation White... Yeah, it was Operation White Sauce and it was that you would go to Washington, D.C. and you would eat a big pizza and then you would fuck a guy I think that's what it was I don't here's the thing man I don't think

that they have the budget for that stuff because the last I heard they were they were allocating a lot of the money that they got from the Pentagon and the Department of Defense to 1099 so they give you benefits they were allocating a lot of the money that they got from the pentagon yeah well they have you as a 1099 so they give you benefits they were allocating all of the department of defense black budget money was i'm i it's my turn to come up with a thing that makes you the gay guy okay it's uh it's they were allocating a lot of black budget defense money um to it was called the black budget project so you could go to the project and fuck black guys on the budget.

That's pretty good. Yeah. Um, yeah, I heard, uh, that you were racist and it was called the black budget and, they called it that because,

uh, when it came to your butt, if the penis was black, you wouldn't budget to get, get bugged get it. You'd get bugged by it. You're a racist gay guy, which is... Somehow worse. Well, it's actually wrong.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. You told me yesterday in private that you thought it was disgusting. I thought it was disgusting when you pulled over to suck a homeless man's penis i thought we're on our way to what we're on our way to record why do you got to do this you say i'm gay you say my name is jake jake rhodes my name is jake rhodes and you know why they call me that? Because I take loads. And that rhymes. Jake Rhodes, take loads. Well, there's one thing we can't agree on, man.

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. One thing we can agree on is that everybody listening to this should go to patreon.com slash pendejo time and toss us a little bit of cheese. We've got a couple options for you. How about $1,000? $1,000 a month if you got it. If you don't got it, five bucks a month will do. That'll get you access

to all the bonus episodes. We do one a week plus the free one that you're listening to right now. Ten bucks a month gets you access to all the fucking video episodes we do.

I'm going up to Thomas' this weekend to film some of those and put together some goodies for you guys. At each tier, so at the $5 tier, $10 tier, whatever tier you sign up for, you get access to Discord. I've been telling people who do sub to the Patreon, when you do sub, if you don't automatically

get added to the Discord, go ahead and shoot me a message on Twitter or when you sub Patreon and I'll get you hooked up to that. And that goes for anybody. If you're listening to this and you're already subbed and you didn't get added to the Discord, message the Patreon and I'll take care of it. Or message me on Twitter and we can figure it out there. I'm getting a telegram from Ronald Reagan's ghost,

and he said that you gave bad head, and his wife gave the best, and you should get better at sucking dick. Yeah, I just got a telegram from the oldest gay guy in the world, and he said that he's about to die because you suck his dick so bad he's going to kill himself.

All right. So good luck finding a new president okay alright bye