Pendejo Time - ahhhhhH!!!!

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

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It's just, you know, it's another fucking day. I had to mail my poop into the doctor, so that was something that was pretty cool that I had to do. I thought that they did that at the doctor, but now they just give you a kit and you have to do it at your house. So that was pretty fucked up. I'm not going to lie. Probably something that ruined my month. And it's pretty early. into is it like a big tube that you have to put in your ass and then like i would imagine like

bounce on no but that might it's different from that it's different from that a little bit it is a little different than that it's three tubes um and ones for your mouth ones for your ass on right for your pussy if you have yeah no yes one two is for no you don't get crazy now two it's two in the mouth and one in the butt and that's how they test for uh different types of potential parasites and bacteria yeah man we know it sounds crazy but you have to put this mold in your pussy and then we'll also test your poop

she's like what about the why do I have to put the mold in there I've just been having really bad I've been pooping blood like why I've been having horrible stomach pains and everything why do I have to put this in my yeah it helps just push the shit out faster basically goes in your pussy. She's in an E&T.

I don't know why you're giving me this. You're a pharmacist. I'm trying to pick up my heart medication. Yep. I'm going to need you to go in the bathroom. Put this in your pussy and come back out. It's got a camera in there. It's going to take about three hours to set the mold,

so you're going to want to be in the bathroom for about three and a half hours. I'm going to take a three-hour lunch break. Come back and let me know. Imagine your doctor telling you that. Yeah, I'm about taking a three hour lunch break And then I'm going to be looking at your tits And see if there's cancer in there. It's like you get there like your appointments at 10.

Yeah. I will be back, let's say, 2.30. And then we'll take a look at those girls. But yeah, you mailed your issue into the doctor. Yeah, mad, they're got to let me know. If it's black or brown. Yeah, they got to. They got to let me know what's up with my stomach.

I went to the gastroenterologist, and they, you know, they gave me a cat scan in my stomach, too, because I've just been, like, I've just had the last year of my life has just been, like, going to the doctor. And, uh, every cat scan machine has a voice that tells you, like, if you've ever been in a cat scan, and you're in it and it'll say breathe in hold your breath it but somebody at the doctor's office records it um and uh uh my guy my cat scan guy the voiceover was uh i guess the guy the nurse or the whatever radiologist that day old black guy so i'm laying on this mantras and i've got my legs up and i've got my hands above my head and i hear the the mexican nurse lady or Hispanic nurse lady

she goes okay we're going to start the machine you're going to hear some instructions i say okay and then i just hear this beep and then i hear hold your breath okay breathe from the inside and then it it would like would pull me in and out of the machine and then would go one more time hold your breath breathe and i was like just i didn't know what i expected i thought Whenever you're at the doctor Maybe this is just my I have like a casual racism showing But I expected the machine to be like

Breathe in deep, okay And want but so that's not what I got Hold your breath Okay now breathe Now chew Start playing with it Close your eyes Start

lick your lips What kind of doctor is? Is it? Dr. Freaky? I got to put a mold of my pussy hair. Lick your lips and curl your toes. What? I remember my insurance covered me getting like a chest x-ray one time

for whatever reason. It was free, so they did it. Yeah. I was having a weird health situation at the time. And the nurse kept giving me instructions that were like just crazy. Like she would be like, all right, hold your breath. Now I'm going to take the picture.

Exhale really fast and stand up straight when you do it. And so like I kept doing it and she'd be like, yeah, this kind of turned out blurry. And then like we just did it a bunch of times where she'd have me do something really fast and it would be blurry from me doing it really fast. Yeah. So you'd take the picture while I was actively moving. moving. And then I got the results back from the x-ray and was just like, yeah, this is blurry as fuck. Looks like your spine is completely fused together. Other than that, it's all good. We weren't, you weren't here for the spine thing, so no need to worry about that.

Yeah. Lungs look normal for an adult. Yeah, except blurry. So who knows? Lungs are very lung-shaped. Back is sort of gargoyle-like. Um, goodbye. Penises, uh, kind of crushed. I'm not sure why your penises taped to your stomach for this x-ray. Clearly shows signs of fluffing. I remember my mom told me, uh, I don't remember this because I was literally like, like six months old, but, uh, uh, they, like brought me in because I was having trouble breathing.

And they brought me in and did a scan of, like, my heart and my chest. and the doctor brought my mom in. My mom told me the story secondhand. The doctor brings my mom in and is like, I'm here I want to sit down. So Jacob has an enlarged heart. So we need to talk about treatment plans, but I want to be very, very clear with you

that we need to run some more tests, but based from what we're seeing, this can be an aggressive treatment plan. And due to his age and his size, you know, I just want to let you know. And my mom, you know, starts crying, crying, crying. And then literally like something out of like fucking curb or whatever, the doctor leaves, she's like, I'll give you a minute.

My mom said the doctor comes back and is like, Hey, so we actually had taken two images and then superimposed them accidentally together. The baby's heart is totally normal. Jacob's heart's totally normal. It's not large and he doesn't need. He's just got a cough. So sorry. But my mom said she was in the doctor's office for like 45 minutes.

Just like holding me. Just like, ah. But she said the doctor came in like, hey, yeah, we just, oops. just looked at two we just looked at the wrong picture I had the stethoscope on my heart I was gonna say it's beating loud as fuck

I was looking at a picture of a dog's heart instead of your baby I had it on my chest and I was looking at pictures of Facebook 1994 I was looking at this thing called Facebook

I was looking at a picture of Facebook while I was looking at your son's heart and it fucked some of my shit up My mom was like seven I had a boner from Facebook And I thought that it was the results I all my tests are running on whether I have a boner or not If I have a boner means your son's gonna die

I'm like the ground hoods like groundhog Yeah if my penis is soft when I'm looking at a heart skin Everything is good Give it gets hard It gets hard Either I've taken a bunch of pills or you have cancer Heart cancer Heart cancer

Which is crazy And which people ask how the fuck do you get heart cancer From the blood that it has in it Yeah Different pieces of blood can make up a bad heart Mm-hmm Yeah they thought My shit was fucked

Um And uh I keep thinking like Uh You know Maybe I just Maybe I am just too stressed out Um

But uh Now they're telling me, I don't know, I got some kind of stomach thing. They're trying to give me a bunch of horse pills and shit to make it to where my stomach isn't all fucked up. Because they think maybe it's making my heart. You need to keep having your stomach fucked up, man. You need to make it worse. It's part of who you are. And I think...

I don't want to have... It's building character. Dude, I have... Once your stomach, once you don't, once you poop normal, you're going to switch up on everybody and you're going to go Hollywood. Check this out. I'm tired of having girl diseases. They're telling me I might have pots. They're saying I've got like IBS.

Like I have all the diseases that like a girl has. You only have a disease if you go to the doctor until then you just have something wrong with you. That's my dad's philosophy. He's like, yeah, heart's beating funny and my poop is white. But, I mean, you know. Pigeon disease. Yeah, they're saying it's dove diseases. Yeah.

Morning Dove Syndrome. They said my wings are all fucked up. Yeah, I got wings. They said my bones are hollow and I'm easily trained. They say I was used to carry letters to and fro. I was on my way to the doctor and some guy waved his hand and I flew over there. I had an impulse. I couldn't control it.

He had a leather glove and I landed on it. I couldn't tell you why. And I'm gray. Yeah. I got a beak. Yeah. I'm a pigeon. I'm pigeon.

I'm pigeon dad. Yeah, pigeon Dave. Hey, they come to snuff the pigeon. Oh, yeah. Dude, the pigeon is not nearly as cool as a name as the rooster. That would have ruined the song. They ain't found a way to feed me yet. Dude, I used to love fucking the pigeons at the mall.

Dude, oh my God, whenever you used to throw a coin into the well and if it landed in the water, if you threw a penny or something into the front at the mall, and if you landed it in the water and it stood on its edge, you had to jump off the top of the mall and kill yourself. That was so scary to me whenever I was a kid. Yeah. We used to throw a hundred,

hundreds of coins into the wishing well, just sweating bullets a whole time. Yeah, my dad used to go into the, uh, there was the Pasadena Town Square Mall, now called Plaza Paseo, now mostly abandoned. And, uh,

he would go into the little wishing well, uh, not, unprompted. He wouldn't step into it, but any of the, any of the coins next to the edge of the well, he would just reach in there and get all the quarters.

You did it all the time We would go to the mall Because there was an arcade there And he was like, I used to play games This arcade and chase pussy And I was like sick Dope or whatever And they had a little

It was like a fountain I guess it would be like maybe I don't know Six seven feet tall or whatever And Yeah he would like lean over And he would just grab a handful of the coins And you know

Keep the quarters That's how we'd play arcade games. Play Pac-Man. Tekin. We play Touch the Teacher. I don't know if you ever played that one. It was like a, it was like a, you know like you can play two-player Street Fighter?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you have to play with somebody else. It's you play two kids and you, it's kind of like Pac-Man, and you chase the teacher in the classroom. It's like an old 80s game and you're trying to touch her the whole time. And she's just got to escape. You can get power-ups that make you really big and make her sick and weak. but the whole goal is for you to try to grab

grab her grab the teacher oh cool do you like win anything if you grab her or is it like yeah I mean yeah so you win you just get to you get to go to the next level and the teacher's man and he's able to fight back

but he's not too strong he's 63 years old so is it like a loftier goal like to no no it's just a man who's old but hasn't lost all the strength yeah yeah

it's kind of probably thinking about retirement definitely doesn't want to be touched in his golden years yeah you can grab him you can pinch his butt you can try to grab the front of his dockers but yeah I used to play that on easy mode you know um because

every video game I've played I had to use a guitar hero guitar as a controller. That was the only controller we had. And there was a mode where you're just hitting that one button. Yeah. You know, like the very...

The pick button. In that mode, you're the... For that game, if you're using that guitar hero controller, you're the teacher. And you just have to touch one of the kids and it's very easy.

It's so much easier than being the kid and trying to touch the teacher. You're playing catch the kid. You can just lock the door. to touch all of them. And it's easy to fucking, usually they're too scared to say anything.

Yeah, they don't really tell anybody after despite what people make things. Except for you can play, if you level up enough after you retire, you have to move a bunch of times. You got to move like six states over. Yeah. And you have to get your teaching license

over a bunch again. Then you have to start a homeschooling co-op. Yeah. Did you hear that the, that we told the Catholic Church, we told the Pope's emissary that the Catholic Church better get in line because the U.S. can do whatever it wants.

It feels like you're in a particularly evil part of empire when the state is at odds with the Catholic Church as an entity. Like, historically speaking, when that happens, it's usually like something evil is afoot. I'm not saying that I believe in anything the Catholic Church has to offer. Nothing against my phyllic. Catholics. I'm a Protestant, or I was

a Protestant, so I don't really care about the beef. I think you guys... I think Martin Luther was wrong, but I don't think you guys should have given him too much trouble about his indulgences. So I think

maybe you probably should have not been doing the indulgences, and then we wouldn't have megachurches. People always blame Martin Luther for the megachurch now, but I think Yeah, I always do that If the idea of the Indulgence is funny

Like, oh, I do want to Cheat in my wife And I do want to drink some alcohol So if I can just Throw up some coin I can be doing all types Of crazy as shit I could be touching on my neighbor

Or whatever the fuck Could be touching on the kids In the neighborhood I just got to pay some I got to give a guy some Florens or whatever the fuck Money that the Romans The Romans were using

back then Roman church I'm fucking stupid man I don't know anything about fuck I don't know anything about fuck Yeah What's that sound That's a toothbrush

Oh My game must be very high It's like across the apartment Yeah yeah I heard that shit It sounded like a fucking drone That was about to fly into your window It's so funny if you got hit by a shahead dude It's the middle of podcasting

they're going to send a tungsten rod through my window unit that's full of black mold and dispersed into the apartment killing me through chemical warfare um dude I think it would be cool to live in a place that didn't have black mold

the last like four places I've lived in have had really bad black mold problems yeah I my biggest mistake is I always try and introduce black mold spores into the environment. I try to spread it throughout the apartment. And it always, it's always a bad idea because it causes negative health effects

and it damages the integrity of the building. Does the guy that is... Sometimes I'll just get a cup of water and I'll just take out an AC vent and I'll just slide it in the space between and I'll just kind of get it all, mold all into the insulation, everything.

and behind the drywall and all that. And then I like to just drill little holes and then suck it out with a straw. Yeah, my shower, the bathroom doesn't have any tile so the water just gets on all the drywall. Like when they built the showers, there's no tile in the shower.

It's just shower, shower curtain, and then to every direction of the shower is drywall. I swear to God. No, I've been, I've taken a shower there. Oh, that's right. You know what I'm talking about. So there's like a little, a little plastic part of it that's part of the shower,

but above it, like at head level, is just drywall. And that's all black, that's all rotted out, black mold. I asked the guy that restores the bathrooms, um,

who is also the bar manager and the maintenance guy, um, why they didn't put any tile in, uh, and the bathroom's and he was like, ah, it's just too much. Uh,

it's too much work and too much money. Which, um, respect, you know, when you ask a question like that, you normally expect a kind of a lie. like oh so like the building's not equipped for that and you go okay you know he's lying but if you ask

somebody hey i've got black mold in my apartment why did you guys design it that way and he goes i just didn't want to like you know how it is you don't want to like do the job that pays you money and actually i really respect that every job i've ever had i try to avoid being useful in any way and i mostly just try to keep getting paid over and over again until somebody figures something out. And then I'm fired or laid off. I kind of miss... Fucking off in a white collar job

is easy. I kind of miss the games you have to play to fuck off in blue collar or in kitchens. You know what I mean? Like, to fuck off in a kitchen, you've got to go to the walk-in cooler and drink beer in there, and it's like 30 degrees in there. You got to hit your dab pin or whatever the fuck. And you're like... There's nothing like the smell of a walking cooler.

It's like fresh dough and potatoes. And like, you know, I'm thinking a pizza place. So like old pepperoni. And then you're in there and you're just like trying to drink two tall boys as fast as you can and hit your e-cigarette until you get high blood pressure and then rip your dab pin until basically you go nearly blind. And the room's like 28 degrees. And then you come out and your boss is like, what were you doing?

and you're like, I was checking inventory. We've got a lot of pepperonies. I know this is a pizza place, but I was just let you know we have plenty of pepperoni for the next probably several years, and we've got plenty of dough, too, and handfuls of cheese. And we are low on whippet canisters, just letting you know.

I remember the pizza restaurant I used to work at, had one open can of anchovies. Come on, dude. No, you didn't. Yep. No, why? you fuck with anchovies no i'm saying if people

ordered a pizza with there was one can and it was open oh i thought you were saying you were eating them motherfuckers no no i'm saying one time ever when i worked there a guy ordered anchovies on his pizza and i was like are there anchovies here and somebody was like oh yeah there's some in the fridge

and there's an open can how i one of the contributing factors to me getting bigger than hell was i worked at a BJ's brewhouse and I would just steal raw Pizuki's out of the fridge and I would just eat raw Pizuki dough and then they had these big ass bags of their soup that come frozen and then they kind of like suvied them by that they just thaw them out and like boiling water and uh I would still bags of the soup and so I literally had no money so for like almost a year I was drinking like two or three mad dogs a day

And then my lunch was like two Brownie Pizuikis And then like a full bag of the broccoli cheddar soup Which chlorically I would put somewhere around Three to four thousand calories of soup And I was sick the whole time And couldn't figure it out man I was not doing good

I kind of had like a huge belly And uh Would throw up a lot of yellow liquid Oh dude I'll tell you what I miss Hmm Eating pans of CC's uh cinnamon rolls. Ooh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. And the Apple pizza? Oh, yeah. Of course. I would, I would, like, a typical lunch for me would be, like, I would have a few pieces of maybe the Alfredo pizza or something like that. Or, like, sometimes, like, one of the bacon ones or something, things, because I got so tired of regular pizza.

Mm-hmm. And then, you know, probably, like, six or eight cinnamon rolls. Yeah. And then like probably three or four brownies and then usually like, you know, a few pieces of apple pizza or if they had another dessert pizza. Sometimes I look like that or and then maybe some cheese sticks. And then cherry Coke. I was really into cherry Coke when I worked at Cece's and I still associate the taste of Cherry Coke with Cece's pizza. Yeah, that's a, that's a, that's a, Cherry Coke is like a Golden Corral Cici's soda.

Oh, my God. I was craving Cece's pizza the other night, so bad I looked up where the closest one was, and I think it was in Pennsylvania. I thought it was like a huge... I didn't realize Cicc's, like, probably going out of business. Yeah, for sure. It's not a sustainable business model, I think. You know what I hated, man, is people used to get big bowls of ranch,

and they would, like, rip the pizza into, like, little... pieces and like eat it in a bowl of ranch. No, stop, dude. Yeah, dude, people would I, because I used to wash the dishes at Cic's. Yeah. And it would be like,

I would get just like a fucking loads worth a ranch on my clothes or whatever. A load. I might as well have been eating loads all day at Cic's. That was what my self-esteem was working. Being a bus

boy and dish guy, I might as well been putting all the cup, the big red cups into my ass all day. I love like the jobs that are like, you come home with stains on your clothes that like you you smell like flour and guacamole and like salsa and, uh, my roommates would get so mad at me because I would just sit on the couch like covered in food stains and they were like, dude, go shower. And I'd be like, nah, I've been on my feet all day. And they're like, you're on our couch that we like pay for like his roommates.

and I was like, yeah, I'm not moving. Unless one of you guys have like a cattle prod or something, I'm pretty much going to sit here and make this couch stink. By the way, I'm wearing the same socks for two weeks, and I'm developing a kind of trench foot. So you guys are going to need to kind of figure that out, too. Am I also running out of underwear? I never really did laundry.

I had two piles of laundry. I had, please don't wear those. someone will call the police. They stink so bad. And then I had to like just normal stink clothes. Those are like when you work construct, when you're working like, I know you're on crazy hours right now,

but like when I was working 712s, I couldn't keep any of my high viz or my work pants or my socks clean in a reasonable amount of time. Like you can't, you can't not stink. At least that's how. What I've been doing lately is a wash and fold where I just drop it off.

and then pick it up the next day, which is nice because otherwise, it's like a full day of laundry every week, which is kind of always has been, but if you don't have your own units and you really are just like sitting, like you're just fucking hanging out next to your laundry all day. Like, if it's at the house,

you can just kind of be doing other stuff and laundry is actually like a few minutes, really. I also am so bad at folding clothes. Yeah, yeah. And this amazing Chinese man and his wife are fantastic of folding clothes. And, you know, supporting the local economy or whatever. It is, I mean, I would just rather do laundry at the house, but I don't have laundry machine. In unit is like, you got to have it, dude.

Like, it's one of the things, like, living in a city like that, like, when I didn't have in unit, I never did laundry. my shit just smelled like straight poop and butt and piss. I never fucked. I just never did laundry. I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the laundromat and drink beer and play fucking Instagram videos loud as fuck on my phone and if anybody says anything, I'm gonna freak to fuck out. This is at a dark time of my life, but I only

did that a handful of times. Dude, Hank was biting the fuck out of my arms and now I'm breaking out in hives. I think maybe he maybe he's evolving and to have some sort of venom. Yeah, maybe he ate shit. And then he beat you. Like a Komodo dragon?

Yeah. He may have. Dude, he loved him. There's a very good chance he ate an animal's shit and then when bait you. Dude, ate deer shit. I just, I'm getting like prion diseases. Yeah, he has a bunch of tick blood. Dude, what if I had chronic wasting disease?

And I came on camera and I had like one big antler and then like a huge face to him. I think I might have chronic wasted disease. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. love turning up. I love turning up.

Yo, yo, yo, yo. What's the move tonight? I love turning up. Yo, yo, what's the move, man? High school rules. I love high school parties. Do you ever kind of wish you could, hey, no joke, 100% serious? You ever wish you could just go back, bro?

You ever wish you could just go back, dude, and just like, just chop it up one last time at a high school party, like, for real, like just. Yeah, especially like with my mutt, with like, with, everything I know now. Yeah, yeah. Like, try to drop some, try to drop some wisdom on the onions. If I could actually, like, reach those kids

and, like, talk to them. Yeah, for sure. And also show them how to fucking actually shotgun and fucking be awesome. Yeah, how to actually shotgun. If I could get six people to hold me up and I could do, like, a beer bong situation. Yeah.

Or a kegstand. I forgot I was even cold. Eight, eight college kids holding my body. up for a keg stand and then I can only do it for five seconds and I start coughing really bad and I accidentally kind of throw up back into the

keg hole yeah keg hole and then I shit myself a little bit and I have to leave have to go home my girlfriend has to pick me up and I have to ride in the hatchback part of her car so I don't get poop on the seats

and also I try to steal somebody's weed while I'm there and then they beat the shit out of me for that in the 19. Yeah, I try to steal a couple Xanax out of this guy. I kind of know his stash, and he just beats the fuck out of me for it, and I get all mad. And I say he's the asshole, and I just have problems. And everybody has to forgive me just because I have depression. Yeah, I try to do cocaine for the first time in six years and immediately have heart failure.

And it's ruled a candy-related incident. Yeah, because they do, they check the contents of your stomach like a dead shark and it's just like eight pounds of Haribot candies. Yeah. Like a camera. There's like an old camera in there. I have a bunch of Coke Zero cans in there. It looks like he ate the whole can. Didn't even pop the can open.

Looks like he ate a cigarette butt to impress a bunch of college kids. He just swallowed the roach, motherfucker. Remember the story of that Australian guy that ate that slug and then got brain parasites and died? I don't even remember specifically, but like, that's like white people's version of whenever black people are like. Did you hear they found 350 squirrels in a Chinese restaurant? And both stories are 100% true. both stories are 100% facts what my co-work

the other day yesterday actually literally was like did y'all hear about the Chinese restaurant in New York City they found 250 squirrels in a freezer

and I was like no where was that they were like oh it doesn't say let me look it up oh sorry 350 and I looked

and it was just a TikTok of a lady going y'all they is trying to kill us they just found 350 frozen squirrels in a New York City

Chinese restaurant and there was no news report there was no they didn't say what neighborhood it was in or the name of the restaurant or anything

Chinese people killed 350 squirrels and put them into orange chicken and they and then white people were like dude bro

there's a fucking guy who literally sucked as turtles dick and he got heinie fucking died yep New Zealand dude uh Instagram has been showing me this account it's called like a millionaire mama overnight or something like that and uh

like in that already love the name big and her bio is I teach I teach overworked mamas how to make how to make money on Instagram and TikTok She has gotten big fat black lady from Florida. Her whole thing, she gets millions of views. Her whole thing is rage baiting groopers essentially. So she'll be walking through Walmart with her belly out.

And she'll be like $600 with the groceries for my babies. For each one of my babies, for my baby million. And then she'll point to a little black kid. His kid's name is not even mill. and from my son cash and for my son money and it just are point to three kids and they're holding these big iPads and I'd be like here's our grocery hall $600 EBT baby and it's like Cheeto puffs and like big red and like red hot pickles that no one eats from the gas station you know what I'm talking about the like spicy sausage pickle that only serial killers eat and all the comments are

like you know this is what's wrong with America or whatever it'll have like 15 million views and I'm like, I hope, I think this is rage bait. I think she's making money off rage bait. But if it's real, fuck yeah, dude. If you're... I love that content. My other favorite content is just visiting a place and then doing blogs about how it's like some kind of mecca. Like it's a place where you have complete financial freedom and you can...

Oh, yeah. It's time to start a new life here. I recently met a guy who's convinced that they're creating like a black mecca in Poland like he was talking about how he wants to buy property in Poland because they're not racist there what and it's like

and they really want black Americans to move there no they don't and and I just had to kind of be like oh that's awesome I didn't know that. Because in the back of my head, I'm really, I mean, I'm hoping that that's true. Thomas just disappeared. I don't, I'm not a hater.

Like, I hope that there's a, I hope that's the case. I'll make it more place of music. But on the other hand, um, we got, wait, wait for Thomas to join. Just, just, just for what I do know about history. Um, it seems like maybe that's, uh, perhaps not the case. It's like we're not connected to me. I just found out That I got so many unpaid tolls.

They got a warrant for my arrest in Harris County. I gotta go back to Houston in like three weeks to do a big stand-up show. If I get pulled over, I have to go to the jail. Because I have to pay them a bunch of unpaid tolls. I'm not gonna pay them. Can you be in jail for like 12 hours? and then they just don't have to pay the toll. I'm not quite sure how that works

because the tolls are like $800 at this point and I would really rather not pay them. So I'm going to, if I get arrested in Harris County, I'm going to ask them if I can just do a day in jail and not pay my tolls. I think that's fair. One day in jail. And don't, I won't tell.

My body, I won't sell. I can spell. N-O-J-A. I L. No jail. One nigga got that nigga out of there. He spoke about that too. Yeah, I had to fight something in the bathroom. No homo.

We slipping on semen. Niggas was jerking off in the bathroom, me, we got that nigga out of there, all that shit. You know, this is parts of the story that I don't like the... I've been hearing voices again. They just upped my Seraquil because I've been hearing voices again.

They just up my Seraquil because I've been hearing voices in the radio. But they're chill, though. They're not telling me to do nothing crazy. saying, what's up? Let me see what else we get. Yeah. But it's okay.

Now we're recording again. We're fine. What the fuck did I? Yeah, guys. Once a second. Poland, as we were discussing, as a black mecca, which I guess the first one was, you know, a little bit of one, too. Well, I would say, you know.

I don't think the Polish, I don't know their feelings on black people, but I know they just, just elected a guy who has a girl's name and his whole thing is he does MMA and he's racist and he's overwhelmingly really popular in Poland. I think his name's like Caroline or something. Caroline

I want you to be my bad thing. Polish is fuck. Find his stupid as shit. Oh my God. I'm going to shoot you. in uh in

in poland you can buy a house for really cheap because you can give them ten dollars and say that it's a hundred thousand dollars and they just count the same ten one dollar bills over and over again till it adds up to that every time they count one they put it to the bottom of the stack uh uh i remember

when i worked the same time i worked at bj's the kitchen guys would always play that Aminay song Well, one kitchen guy would Is this like Fat Black guy All the Hispanic dudes that worked in the kitchen Absolutely hated it

They hated it Because they would play their shit Which is you know Fucking Coombia or regatone Whatever the fuck And then he would be like I got to Ox today And they'd be like

Ah fucking You know Puto Whatever the fuck it did They'd start cursing And You know You know when one of your home

me, when one of your friends puts a song on and he's, like, rapping along with it, and you're like, ah, that's, that's my friend. He's annoying as fuck, well, that's my boy. When someone you really hate

and you fantasize about killing is like in your face, and he's like, yo, what's up, Jake? Bad thing. Yeah, we're worried, all we out here? I just got lit into fucking cool,

look cool. We're gonna make our pizzas today. We're gonna make our pizzas today. Yo, you heard this track, this new Amine A track? It really makes you think about fucking, I totally get why people kill everybody at work. Imagine,

Two years ago, you were 19 working at a pizza restaurant. And a guy was like, yo, this new Tommy Richmond is hard as fuck. Let me show you this. Oh, no. Oh, no. Butchipers, baby. And then after he will pull up in his Eco Boost Mustang. Your car, roll all the windows down.

They're tinted as fuck for no reason. He go, yeah. Yo, have a good one. for real, but like, are you working tomorrow? No? Ah, fuck,

bro. What's you up to? Hey, okay, hanging out. Not doing shit? All right. Maybe I could call out,

bro. Maybe I could call out. What's the move tonight? What's the move, bro? The fuck, bro? He's 34.

Nah, man, I'm fucking 17, bro. My parents got me this car. They said I need to earn it, man.

Bro. Yeah, man, hell yeah. Yeah, I've been delivering food in this fucking... My parents got me this car. They said I had to earn it.

I used to work with a guy who fucking delivered pizzas and a brand new Donali. He was like, yeah, my parents wanted me to get a job and just teach me a work ethic. And he like would throw, he would throw away all the dirty dishes. So we didn't have to watch them. I've done that. I've done that. I've done that a little bit. I've done the ST season.

There were too many dishes. I would do it like, like it was in, like, it was fate. It was like every 20 forks, it was its fate to get beat. Something like that.

I think I've talked about it on here before, but the restaurant I worked at was a seafood place and they had oyster forks, the ones that are like this big. And when I would, when they put me on silverware rolling, I would roll a steak knife, a butter knife, a spoon, and instead of a normal fork, an oyster fork,

and I would always do it for the big fancy catering events, which I also worked. And my favorite fucking thing in the whole world would be, we would host these big fancy events upstairs, and we would have like a pre-selected menu, so it would be like prime rib. And I would just, I would come up to the table with the cocktails, and I would just see some old fat, red,

millionaire like Austin money guy with a steak knife and a little ass fork and his wife's like just ask for a bigger one and he's like no it's what they gave me he's trying to eat a huge piece of red meat with like a baby thus and my manager would have my manager had these shift meetings and he would be like I want to know right now he took his job so seriously God bless him I want to know right now who's rolling the little porks in with the steak setups because because first of all you know our customers expect horses expect oyster forks because I would roll a big forks into the oyster setups which no one really cared about that. You just need a fork. People are drunk. You eat oysters when you're fucked up. If you're eating oysters dead sober, you need to be fucking shot in the head.

Like, you know. But yeah, it was funny to watch because old guys, they're not going to ask for help and I get that. As a man, if you go to the store or you serve the wrong meal at a restaurant, you don't talk to anybody and you don't ask for directions in the store.

You walk around for three and a half hours. Do you find what You go to Lowe's. You don't ask, hey, where are the drywall screws? Sorry, you don't ask that. You walk into Lowe's. You text your wife, hey, I'll be home in like 30. I just need drywall screws. And then you spend two and a half hours wandering around Lowe's thinking about killing yourself.

Because that's, I would shoot myself before I ask anybody for help at Lowe's. Home Depot? Hey, man, do you know where the, uh, the askance lighting thing is? I've got, wife's got a project. Nope. I'm going to walk around and paint for two and a half hours, hoping that some, light fixture, like, kind of materializes house of leave style in the middle

of the fucking... Also, God forbid, you do actually need a help at a hardware store nowadays. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. They don't have any fucking staff anywhere. Or they have one 92-year-old guy that's like, oh, you need

drywall screws, I hung drywall. You know the frost building? I hung all the drywall in the frost in the building under the frost building I hung who's not seen you're like dude I before anyone could stop me

The last time I needed help at a Home Depot I needed to get a light fixture And I kept ringing for help And nobody came so I thought Oh no worries it wasn't very busy there But I thought no worries let's go up to the front And I went up to the front Yeah

And they were like yeah bro we don't have anybody Work in that section and I was like Oh man No worries I can wait a while And they were like No like we

Sorry Maybe come back some other time Like there's nobody working That section Specifically right now But there was a dude working The next section Over and there was nobody

In that section He just was watching me Like I kept ringing it You know like I would give it like Four or five minutes In between each ring But I was like the only one

I was like one of the only people In the store And it was just a bunch of like 20 year old kids who like, you don't need to fucking know. I don't care if you know anything about construction or anything like that, but can you just, the item was up on a shelf that, like,

I couldn't as a customer access. And I just, I knew exactly where it was and I just needed somebody to take it down. Like, just get the, I needed a forklift. They could fucking just let me operate the forklift and I could get it down myself. But instead, I can't use the forklift. that I'm certified to use and

and none of you kids can fucking do anything and also I'm like three years older than you why am I being such an old man about this but it the the North Texas that I grew up in

had the strongest if you went to a hardware store you would get service that they write like oh yeah it was truly in hindsight, why the fuck was everybody at the hardware stores in Weatherford, Texas

so overqualified? Everybody I ever talked to at a hardware store used to be like that one of the guys from this old house. And I would be like, why don't you just still have a contracting business? You're like 50. Yeah, you should just

they would be like, here, here, here. Let me just finish this project for you at Home Depot and you can just go home with it done and also I'll suck your day. And now I go now I go and it's you know

God bless it's you know I don't want to get into the wrong territory here but is people who it's their first job and I don't think that a hardware store should be your first job at least front of house

yes for me what it was one of my first jobs for me but I was not one of the guys who told you what to get or helped you. I just would if you ordered lumber I would put it in the back of your truck. And that is exactly, that's a very good first

you know, blue collar job is okay, this goes here and you are the if there was a machine to replace you we would use it. It's somebody used you. Yeah. But yeah, I,

those are just basically my two cents on the matter, and I don't really remember what we were talking about before, but I got very genuinely worked up about customer service experience. I had, keep of mind, this was multiple years ago. He's very nice. The lows in San Marcos. I go there. It's a bunch of everybody who works at Home Depot now drives an infinity.

That's what the fucking problem is. I clapped out. You used to. see old russed out dodged derangos and shit now you see a drop fucking infinity with a camber and it's got a hello

it's got a hello kitty on the bumper you're fucked that guy works there that's the assistant manager I need a Republican to help me please and I need this conversation to stay right on track

if not it could be I don't want to hear but if there's not a Ford Rangers somewhere in the parking lot don't go in they everybody is getting a haircut while on the clock getting a yeah they're getting a perm

they're getting the fucking dude there's a guy at lows he works the front the self-checkout and he's super nice but he's one of those high functioning autistic guys who's a baseline volume setting is 96 and I last time I had to go there

we have these neighbors and they're not the cleanest people on the planet earth and so we'd gotten a bit of a bug issue and so I went and got you know a bunch of roach traps and like the industrial grade fucked up spray. It's been like hundreds of dollars and I walk up to the self-checkout line

and he goes, hello you again! And I was like, hey what's going on man? He's probably in his mid-30s like I don't I'm going to describe a loadout to you and you tell me if you've ever met a fellow Spectrum writer six foot nine

140 pounds max freckles out the gate the highest cheekbones oh really no no this guy was like lurch amazing big and he was like

he goes welcome back and I was like oh they had a problem and he was like are you interested on lowest credit card today and I was like

no no no just just need the stuff for the uh just do stuff for the house and he was like looking at stuff like that's like lots of bugs you got bucks in your house and I was like

yeah yeah we think it's the neighbors man you know we keep it pretty clean yeah yeah yeah yeah I keep I keep pretty clean two stuff but sometimes sometimes when you see one roach you know that means there's there's more

and I was like yeah and there's people like looking over and I'm like hey thank you so much man for your help out and yeah no on the credit card today okay but maybe next time when you come in and I was like yeah no problem and here's my hot take on this

maybe it's not that hot whatever I know that there's kind of a culture in America where people are like he has autonomy and and when you see those videos of the Down syndrome guys when they get hired at McDonald's and the family's crying

and the guy's like yeah you know that's supposed to be heartwarming for me I just I don't see I don't think it's all that I feel bad you know and maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm like denying the guy's agency or whatever, but it's like, I don't know. There's just something depressing about, like, you know, a guy in McDonald's that's like,

oh, oh, oh, oh, you know what I mean? Like, I don't, like, I don't, like, there's just, sorry, sorry, sorry. You know what I mean, though? Like, when you go to a McDonald's and like, oh, man. Here's your hamburger I held it hard as fuck. I'm so proud of. I squeezed it Here's the squeeze soda

Here's this Here's a styrofoam cup with five holes in it From my fingers Hey bro, Hey bro, Thank you so much for coming Here's the worst Ice cream product you've ever been given in your life

This is the first milk This is the first milk-flavored Chocolate Milk milkshake you've ever had head. It's brown only tastes like milk. It's always at the McDonald's of the water burgers that are in like

that are in like temple, you know what I mean? Or like right outside like, you know, a small, dude, it sucks so bad when you get to the front of a really long, slow-ass line and the whole time you've been like,

what the fuck is a hold up? And then you get up and you're like, oh, God. God, I'm going to hell. I'm like, who the fuck do they have working back?

You're saying for epic. And then it's six people. And then six people, six people, six people have to be like, dude, I've been cursing this person because my chicken tender. There was no line inside this door. I've been sitting in his drive-thru line waiting for four chicken tenders for half an hour. They've been counting them over and over. Yeah, whatever you go to check your food and there's just like, all, like the condiment to burger ratio is way, fucked up and you know.

When you, like, you get ketchup and it's just drowning the whole burger and you're like, damn. He just, I know he squeezed the fuck out of the ketchup. Counterpoint though. And just, but is, would you rather have a guy who has a disability but he cares or a guy who is fully able but is on pills? And he, he would wrap up a piece of poop and send it out that window. He does not care. Okay. Let's break down both.

Guy with disability that really cares, your food's going to be correct, but as you pointed out, that burger is going to be squeezed. That's going to be one of the most squeezed burgers you've ever had, and the fry box is going to be super squeezed. But the food will be accurate to your order, maybe except he gives you too small of a soda, but you let his slide. Pillhead Life or Fast Food guy, early 40s. I feel like it's a crapshoot. The food will be cooked perfectly. of those guys take their jobs. However, it's a

crapshoot. There might be something very wrong. Nothing will be slightly off. I'll put it like that. Something might be extremely wrong. You might get somebody else's food

cooked perfectly. Oh yeah, yeah. You get the best water chicken you've ever had, but you ordered two. One of the best days of my life was when I accidentally stole a massive what a burger order because I was kind of

very tired and they just handed it to me and I'd ordered something else and then I got back to the car and started eating all the fries without looking into the bag and then when I when I did look into the bag there were like six sandwiches and I just I knew the guy

who's who I took it from I could have given them back the burgers at least but I'd already put my dirty hand into the fries and eating from like three different gardens and fries I was so hungry I didn't even really realize

and I just took off and I don't think I ever talked to that guy again because we were by the way in the waiting area we were chopping it up and then I

they handed me his order and I left and I didn't talk to him again oh nice that's even better yeah yeah he had a way better order he had a much better order I got one meal

and he got probably six or eight and I ate all I ate Three burgers at night, and then I ate burgers for the next few days. Dude, I, uh, one time me and the guys we all went out, and then we got drunken canes after, but typical Jake, circa 2016, 2017, it was just kind of a chill night out. None of the guys were doing drugs.

I decided to take some molly, um, and got real drunk. And, uh, we go to Keynes. And I don't really have an appetite, but dude, I got really emotional. about this older guy that was going around to each table and making sure everything tasted good. And I don't mean emotional, like, crying. Like, I was like, like, all the drugs and the alcohol, like the molly was hitting. Like, I was peaking and I was drunk. And I was like, this guy is the backbone of American degeneracy culture.

This guy doesn't even understand he's making my evening better. And he came around to the table and he was like, everything's cooked till you guys is liking. everything's good and I was like yeah man food's great hey dude thank you and he like looked at me and I was like thank thank you so much and my fucking roommates are like trying not to laugh I was like I've seen you go around to each table dude like I know how dedicated you are this job bro so I just I just want to say like I came in here I love canes but you've like changed my canes experience and he was like bet okay like respect we eat our food like 30 minutes later

I'm drunk, I'm going, everybody's going to leave. I cross his path. I stop him, Thomas. Oh, my God. I grab him and I give him a, Thomas, I grab him and I give him the double-handed handshake where I shake his hand and then I clasped my other hand over his hand.

And I look him in the eyes and I was like, thank you so much, man. You made my experience like so much better. And we get in the car and all my roommates were like, were you trying to fuck that guy? They're like, I know you took like point two earlier and you've been drinking all night. Are you gay for the Raising Cains guy? I was like, no, he's just like you don't understand.

Like his job is so hard. He's in his 40s, man. Maybe he wanted to play ball, dude, you don't know. And they were like, dude, for like two weeks, they were like, you were trying to fuck the Raising Cain's guy. I was like, no. I just, I wanted him to know that I appreciated this fucking work. I know that chicken was good as fuck. It was, dude.

It was like rolling my dick off just like, wow, the toast is like perfect, dude. And the french fries are crispy. I need to talk to everybody in the store and let them know they've changed my life. And everybody behind the counter at Keynes is like 17. You know what I mean? Especially like a smaller Texas town. They're always just like, yeah, whatever, I poison all the chicken. I've been putting poison in the coleslaw for like six weeks.

I used to have like 20 of those Dallas Cowboys themed plastic canes from getting the caniac combo like every other night. My God. Dude, last time I went, last time I went, I got the three, three finger combo. That shows you how bad the economy is right now. Oh, yeah. No, I can't fuck around with the cany is more. It's like 20 bucks. If I get a box, it's because I just got paid.

Yeah, dude. It's crazy. Did you ever, were you the kind of kid that kept the Waterburger numbers? You know, it's funny is, so I took one of those in high school. My dad found it, and he was so furious with me for stealing. we had a long talk about it and he dropped it off at Waterberger

and personally apologized to an employee for what I'd done Dude that's like Your dad is such a man of principle man For a while And it wasn't like I had a wall full of him It was like I took one Because it was like my baseball number

And like I kind of like half forgot about it Like I did take it But I was like kind of one I wasn't sure whether I should or not. I just thought, oh, fuck it. It's fine. I took it.

And, yeah, it was like a real point of contention. So then I did it again later, but only once I had my own place. But I knew guys who would try and collect every number. And those guys now, I'll just say it, they didn't really amount to much. Kit beating Yeah, those are guys who are easily convinced of anything They are all They are all currently boots on the ground

That was a boots on the ground thing to do Just trying to get all the Weta Burger numbers I tell you one of the guys I used to smoke weed with West in Peace It is a tragedy He choked on one of those He tried to eat the triangle

He choked on it No, he, bro, he died in a motorcycle crash, and the picture they put on his funeral pamphlet was him on the motorcycle. They didn't have, they didn't pick any of, I don't know why they did that. I have no idea, but I saw it posted on Facebook, and it was like, hey, if you knew so-and-so, we're doing a celebration of life at, you know, so-and-so's place, like, please come by, and then we're going to go to the beach to spread his ashes. and the picture was like, you know the airbrushed, faded out photos that's on all the hood funeral because he was a hood white kid.

It was him on the motorcycle that he died on. That's awesome. Yo, like, in his memory we're going to the median of I-35 later and we're spreading the ashes, and it's like he's once again getting killed by the road. He always wanted to turn into fucking tomato paste. He always wanted to start three hours of traffic Oh dude

I kind of like what you were saying with the fucking McDonald's and you get to the front of the line So when I was in the van I think I told you one of the main problems it had I never fixed it would overheated idle And so I got stuck in a random traffic jam In the summer and I'm watching my Tim Cage climb bro I'm like I'm watching it I'm watching it at 190

It goes to 200 Now when I drive it would call it cool back down to like operating temperature but there was something the radiator like I had like a performance radiator in that I don't know yeah everything was brain I don't know what the fuck I never figured it out I think it was a wiring problem I don't know anyway so I'm stuck in this traffic jam and Ashley's in the car and I'm trying to get off the feeder road on the 35 so I can gun it because dude I'm I'm about to get into the red and I'm like what the fuck is taking so

long my fucking shit's about to overheat if it overheats have to turn the van off I mean, Ashford, just got to sit in traffic. Then I become part of the problem. So I'm, like, whipping around people in this big-ass Astra van. Dude, trying to gunning it warm on the shoulder, going around. People, I get stopped again behind a fucking tow truck. Stop behind an EMT. I'm like, what the fuck?

And they're, like, looking at me all goofy. And I'm like, fuck this, man. I can't sit here. My fucking shit's literally in the red. My engine's about to overheat. My fucking hoses are going to blow. I just replaced my fucking lower and upper radiator hoses. This is a fucking brand new small block Chevy.

I've spent so much money on this. Fuck this. Whoever fucking taking this shit up, fuck them. I went back around and there's a guy laying on the fucking street with his motorcycle in pieces. And he's like holding his leg and all of the skin on his leg is just off. It's just straight blood and meat. And he's like, ah, ah, like the wreck just happened. And I was like, I like drove past, like, and I gunning it past the cops of the EMTs.

And they're like, like, making faces at me. Like, and I like, look over to Ashley and I was just like, I didn't, I couldn't have known. I thought maybe. I mean, obviously it was bad, right? the EMTs were there, but I was like, in my head, I was like, ah, it's just a fender bender, like, hopefully. No, there's just a dude, like, he had shorts on and he had road rash from, like, his upper thigh down to his ankle, and it was just all, like, red meat. He was like, ah, ah, ah, like, just scream. I could hear him, like, oh, God, ah, the EMTs were trying to get him.

Like, dude, two minutes before this, I was like, yo, whoever's fucked up over there, oh, they're dead. I got to. I'm dying. My leg No, no, no Like the guy's life is over I'm like, who's just fucking idiot? To put him down

Yeah And me, they're trying to shoot the band, too They're eating pizza while they're shooting him There's ranch dressing in blood everywhere Bro, I don't know what's been happening Because I know a lot of the cops in New York Are fat, but like, dude, Every cop I've seen in Austin,

lately has been jacked as fuck. Like crazy, crazy yelked. I don't know. I think so because of Austin. Like, because all of the cops that hang out in front of Rogan's Club and the downtown 6th Street cops, they're all, they look like robocop.

Dude, they're all like fucking just fucking, they've got full kits on and they're fucking yoked as shit. Every now and then you'll see like a lady cop with like an undercut and you're like, I know you'll kill people. Like any Texas state trooper that's a lady that's got a shaved head, you're,

It's game over. The bald ones will just take you to jail. The ones that look like that soccer player, what's her name? Megan Rapino, they'll just, don't fucking tase the shit out of you. Yeah, ladies who look like Christian, Christiana Ronaldo. Oh, dude, Texas cops that look like Christiana Ronaldo. You're going to jail, dude. Everybody thinks it's the bald fucking Chad, Thundercock, state troopers, but, dude, if you get pulled over by a Hispanic lesbian state trooper, oh.

It's over, puppy. It's over, dude. Step out of the car for me, please. Just step out. You anything to drink tonight? I've gotten away. I got away with a couple of DUIs, but I don't think it was my charm.

I think it was just, I think I've caught several cops at the end of their shift. And I found out, through a friend of a friend at a UFC event, who is a cop in Deer Park, Texas, watching UFC, and I was like, when the fuck did you become a cop, Garrett? He was like, two years ago.

And I was like, oh. And I asked him, I was like, hey, man, they pretty much had me dead to rights on a DUI. I was fucked up. And I knew the cop knew I was fucked up. He was like, what time was it? And I was like, three. And he said, how many cops were there? And I was like, two.

And he goes, oh, it was probably the end of their shift. I was like, what does that mean? He's like, you know how it is? Like, you know how at the end of their shift sometimes when you're doing side work? you just like sweep the crumbs under the table and you said you do decide work and you leave and he's like yeah he's like yeah he's like yeah he's like yeah he's like what do you mean cops is the same he's like yeah dude if i have to sign paperwork and take you to jail let's extra two hours i'm trying to go home trying to play zombies it just never expected to hear that

like from the other side you know what i mean just like yeah i mean yeah hey we caught you straight up killing and raping but you know i got to get home it pop up the copicoles i got to get You get your six rupees and eat some toothpaste and play with my poop in a shower. Blow my poop with the shop. Suck my poop. Suck my poop stick. I eat my shit and suck my poop stick. Homicide detective from Harlem.

Yeah, it's been a long career, you know. I barely got time. You know, I've got two married. is third one's falling apart. Every day I spend all my fucking life chasing around no good fucking pieces of shit around this fucking godless city. But you know what makes it okay at the end of the day? I come home, my wife's got a nice hot piece of poop.

I get to suck this dick. I suck my piece of poop's dick. I blow it and it blows cumming my ass. And my wife she's got a piece of poop for a pussy and I lick it like diarrhea at the big at the big retirement celebration

for the homicide detective they're all cheers and was like Johnny Walker and they're like the 40 years of service may your poop always be blown and may your wife's pussy also

always be poop I worked in the ass crack of the city licking the shit out of the pussy of the poop and sucking the poop sucking the poop basically letting the fuck me a roarshack from watchman there's a

there's a smell of this city ash a loneliness to it I've become a part of it and it's become a part of me there's poop in the city too you gotta suck you I've fucked

do you think you're tough boy I fuck's pieces of poop bigger than you I'm not locked in here with poop you're locked in here with pee that looks like shit to you looks like pussy or me maybe that's why I'm different

other people see pieces of shit I see pussy these new these new young hot shot detectives when they look at a piece of poop it's all they see but me no I see a pussy in that shit

yeah you think you're hot Pussy. You really shit. And that's why I like it because it's got a pussy. I suck its dick. Anyway, you're under arrest. That's on five.

That's on five. Diddy blood. I've been trying to say more stuff that the kids are saying. Help! Diddy blood? That new young kid's a wringo. Please help Oh man, I've been trying to learn some of that new young Genet Lingo like

No! Oh my gosh! Please! Mom! You know that young Jenae Lingo? Oh yeah, like did he blow the stuff? No, like please! Let me go!

I don't want to go with you, no. You know what the kids be saying. Dian, these kids. I don't want to go on the plane. Anyway, dude, oh, by the way, I don't we don't really do politics. I just not even politics.

Like four hours ago, Melania Trump goes on the news to say that we got to reopen all the Epstein stuff and arrest everybody involved. And apparently Trump didn't know about it and then got really mad. And it's like, imagine your wife,

imagine you're like, you come home with weed and, you know, and you're like, come home. with weed, maybe a little bit of little something, something, a little sniff, sniff, and you break it out, and your wife just calls 911 on you, and they kick the door in an arrest you immediately.

She was like, anybody that is associated with Epstein, I was not associated with, must go to prison. The Congress must investigate this, and then Trump was like, yo, I didn't fucking, I started a whole ass war to keep you all off this beat. Anyway, I think his old lady's betraying his ass. I think she's trying to get out from under it. It would be very funny if she's,

He's the one that gets him sent to jail. Yeah. First guy to go to jail, orange. Orange is the new president. Yeah. Robert Mueller gets a hold of his ass, and he'll squeeze him like an orange. The orange juice.

Peel in the orange and juicing it. Yep. I'll have the Mueller smoothie tonight. But aside is sweet taste of justice. The kidnep. sweetened only with justice. 100% natural. Yep.

And Letitia James is coming for that ass too. Leticia James Yeah. Who is that? Attorney General in New York State. And she's coming for you with all them felonies.

Yeah, Trump's a felon. Yeah, and you're going to be going to jail. Going to jail for, yeah. For the legally orange. You've heard of legally blonde now, illegally orange. the presidential edition

starring Donald Trump uh fuck as himself as clown face fucker as the as the big mango mousselini

fucked hard I kind of wish I was like one of those guys holy fuck balls I just got his fucking ass shit handed to it by itself by looking fucking retarded

Hey Trump Fuck you Suck my dicks poop Yeah I just came shit Into your ass Donald Poops And headed for another shit fuck storm

In pussy alley Holy fuck balls The President is literally a pedophile Who kills and rapes kids Yeah, Snowball Express Fuckerson. Pieces, big piece of shit. Holy fuckballs. Holy fuckballs.

The president is a paraphral rapist. It's a rapist. And just... Hurt. Holy mother shit. The president is literally gay Hitler. Oh, fuck. Wait.

Clean up on aisle fuck. The president is a fucking poop pedophile. You know the rumors that Laura Lumer sucked his dick about that? I heard something about that, yeah. Yeah, apparently she gave him head on Air Force One a few times, which is like, what kind of noise do you think he makes when he comes? He goes, damn, bitch. Not bad for Snow Bunny.

Not bad for big ass, big head-ass bitch like you. Sucking this, suck in this dick. Get the fuck off my plane. Get this black dick out your mouth and off my plane. And bring me my poop. Girl, you look so good, I suck a piece of shit out your pussy. Send that to Laura Lover. Oh, come here, you big nasty bitch.

Big Ness I know you got brass buttons on Or some bullshit like that Just be coming on this plane dress like a Navy captain Got sick this Just suck the dick with your big ass face Why the fuck I slapped the top of your head It sound like the liberty bell

I love the way your cheeks feel like a mannequin On my fucking stomach Your chin feel like a piece of marble Digging into my balls Your whole head feel like insulation foam feel like Oh yeah Just like having sex with an old clock

Like fucking a Oh, Like fucking an old Buick Regal Damn girl You smell like an infection Yeah I think you got a whole body infection Damn girl you smell like surgical

Biggs You're fine as fuck for being 70 years old You know she's younger than men she's like 30 29 30s something I get Donald Trump getting his dick by a grown up

Oh no this feels so good My wow my favorite Thank you Oh that's great Wow Oh Oh great My favorite

Yeah sorry I'm really old That's why I'm having a hard time Yep Yeah yeah Not a He's just looking He's jerking off While looking at the windies

logo on a cup. Oh, fuck. Damn, I want a Frosty now. Frosty sounds good as fuck. I think I might go and get me one. Oh, yeah. Thank you guys for listening to the show. The show's late, so I got to fucking put this shit up.

I got it. The new software is annoying as fuck. Check out, I'm fucking April 20, April 24th, with the Green Room ATX, Get tickets at Green Your Matex.com. April 28th, I'm at the Creek in the Cave, opening up for Ben and the Lemon Party Boys.

And then May 1st, I'm at the Secret Group in Houston, Texas, opening up for Ben and Lemon Party Boys once more. Get tickets at Lemon Party.Life Party. Life. Get those tickets now. Last I checked, the Creek in the Cave is almost sold out. So get those tickets. I haven't checked on the Houston ones yet, but I'm pretty sure that one's going to sell out soon, too. So thank you guys for listening. Thomas, you got to do your blood.

If you ordered a shirt, I'm going to try to have everything shipped out like on Monday or so. So thank you guys for being patient with that. I think there's a couple shirts still available. They're all excels, though. Swag. Yeah, get your Unic Pipe Fitter merch. And thank you guys if you purchased a sweater. I've been getting y'all's messages about shows, live shows.

I got to get married because when we do live shows we like to travel we did a Texas one and it did pretty good I can't get a hold of nobody in Dallas dude I really can't get a hold of a nug

and not a single motherfucker club owner in Dallas so maybe I could try tulips but that's in Fort Worth which is kind of a pain in my nuts so anyway let y'all guys know about that the whole country might be underwater

and within fucking six months too so maybe we'll do a stand-up show in Upper Peninsula or something, the last place where humans will be able to live. All right, bye, I love you, bye.