Pendejo Time - An Experiment [Audio Only]

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

Here is the audio from our newest free video episode. Check it out here Support the show

Okay. May I just wait for a nice walk. Love the ambiance of the city. The way the city makes me feel. I love America. America, that fantastic place where you can come and make your way and have a great time the great city of America where you do what you please. Yeah. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum America the fantastic place do what you can make your way You can be a burger man, trash man, car man or a valet guy You can be a slave or you can be a different type of guy You can be a white guy with a lot of money

Or you can be a homeless man, very sad America The place where you can be I'm actually very bad at snapping as it turns out. As it turns out you can't keep the proper snap. There you go, yeah that's good. America. The place to be. Every type of guy that you wanna be. As far as... I can't do this on beat at all. I don't know if something's happening. Maybe your internal metronome's off. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, But me and you, America A crazy place, you do what you do

America La dee da Freedom of speech, sand on the beach A big, big, big, big black leech Sucking on your body, sucking on your bones Making you weak and making you moan It's a big black leech on the beach in America time Ba da da da do

Do you want to see a creature also scary? Do you wanna see a bug also hairy? Do you wanna see a big black greasy bug living in your brain and living in your thoughts? America, place to be. It's for you and it's for me. Ellis Island and in the Atlantic Sea, Gulf of Mexico and the Pacific Sea. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha La la la, ba ba ba, ta ta. This is my, I'm being a horn, you can be the voice.

Everybody goes. Everybody goes to the south of town. Everybody sees. Everybody sees the river, it is brown. What kind of horn is that? My favorite, it's a lake horn. A lake horn, oh gosh. Like fog horn?

Yeah, yeah, okay. The eyes is on the river now. The leg horn. Oh Did you get tired from that? Well, a horn wouldn't get out of breath? What makes you think that? Did you get tired from that? Well, a horn wouldn't get out of breath, but the human horn, Thomas White can. Thomas the human horn white. I bet I'm a da ba da ba da. Welcome to the jazz scat hour with T Bone and Jake Bone. I forgot what Jake started with.

Yeah, T Bone and J. J Bone. J Bone. And J. J. J. Cruz. I'm sorry. I forgot what Jake started with. Yeah, T-Bone and Jay J. J. J. J. Cruz, J. J. Cruz and the T-Bone Lover Boys. Yup. Mm hmm. Now, now T-Bone, I met him down there over say Baton Rouge 1997. He's down there playing leg horn in a

Zydeco band called Three Crazy Tigers. And now me, I'm classically trained in the in the in the beautiful sultry swinging jazz vocal choir. Now, I was down there, I was letting the wild hair up out of my butt. I was I was drinking several glasses of drinkable ale and I was drinking several sweet cups of red liquid and boy when I heard that beautiful leg horn I said I had never heard such a leg horn playing. And so I went down near the Zydeco part of town and I saw three crazy tigers. That's where I met old T-Bone.

Yeah and the other two tigers unfortunately passed away. They both died. Due to they got chronic illnesses. They had chronic illnesses that they weren't dealing with on account of. They had Creek disease. They had Creek disease and then they had the sky syndrome. Yep. And these are incurable and they had poor health insurance. Their employer was not. They did the Monsanto shuffle. They did and they shuffled right off the mortal coil right into the great beyond. But then, you know, I asked Thomas, I said, do you even like playing with the three crazy

tigers? And what'd you say? I said, no, H to the double E L, no. Yeah, he hated it. He was, he was there. Oh, no, I didn't like them because they had me trapped in a cage. You were that slave boy. I know.

I was a tiger. I was a captive tiger boy. And then you- It was a big difference. At the end of the show, I said, what about you and me, we hit the road as T-Bone and J. Cruz. I said, there ain't nothing I can do about it. I'm in a cage, you can take this wherever.

Put on back of flatbed, head up to Tulsa. And that's what we did. And we showed them Tulsa boys what we could do with a little zydeco. The first show we played. You have to excuse my friend T-Bone they used to beat him and prod him with various chemicals and clubs... He's not doing his brain to work. I'm doing amazing. That's cool. Guy who can't stop doing that at a funeral. And we ask now that you join us in silence as we remember the life of the sweet baby boy. Mmmmm.

I'm sorry. This is a Joker remake, but that's his... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's a Joker remake but that's it. Now, the thing about T-bone Thomas, you know, some people would say he's touch but I believe the good the lord good lord gave

him a gift. The gift of the leg horn and the gift of the jive. Yes. Yeah. You can say I can't a little leg bone on up now the the thing about being a crazy **** tiger from the swamp is he don't speak a language like me and you speak. So, he's a little

English but most of what he speaks is is Tiger Creole. Yeah. So, believe it or not, you know, back in the swamp, Tiger speak to each other, different language, but a bit of bit of engine, bit of French, bit of English, and bit of growl. Growl, let's go low.

Now that mean, now I learned the hard way of working with T-Bone, that mean he ain't having a good time on his interview. And he's saying if you don't bring him a nice, cool glass of drinkable milk, he's gonna start eating people. Oh, I need me some liquid steak opinion. Yeah, you heard him that right there. That wasn't too hard.

He needs liquid white steak. Yeah, sometimes it's easier, sometimes it's harder, just depending on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you see, he get that liquid steak in Yeah, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes it's harder just depending on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, you see he get that liquid. He get that liquid steak in him. He start talking normal but I remember back in the day, we used to only have one string on every instrument. We didn't have enough money for multiple strings. So, my

guitar was only one string. So, my I play all the way from from Gulf Shores, Alabama to Pensacola. About an hour drive, I think. About two hour drive. Yeah, I was doing, I was touring Florida. I played from Biloxi to Diamond Head, Mississippi. I'm not a very successful man. I

played from Weatherford, Texas to Peachtree, Texas. I played all across about eight square miles. This is a very successful man. I play from Weatherford, Texas to Peachtree, Texas. I played all across about eight square miles. He's here. United 45 states. The other five. The other five. Wyoming, Arkansas, and Mrs. Clippy. I was born in, most of y'all probably never heard

of this state because you're too young, but I was born in B-Bucks, Mrs. Clippy. Yeah, that easy to know. Crazy, crazy tiger, three crazy tigers, they were probably the biggest out of cold man in b-bucks. Mrs. Clippy And I was working down there and Porter rams as I was working down there. I was uh, I was killing homeless folk Down there. I wouldn't work. I wasn't really playing in too much music. He's not good, but you know, you're doing something good They're pretty easy to eat down there. They got a salt to them

doing something good. They're pretty easy to eat down there. They got a salt to them. Yep. Kind of like a like a Gulf oyster versus East Coast oyster. I used to be down there poaching great whites. I just hit them with a nine millimeter and drive off. Yeah you drive the Tacoma up on the sand dune you start firing that Glock into the ocean. I used to really think that they were great white sharks in that tide water. I think I mostly might have killed the little things, the tiny things in there. I don't know what the tiny things at the beach are called. Jellyfish? Mollusks?

Some types of mollusks. Sea snail. The little things where it's a tiny hole. Hermit crab. There's some of them here, but they bite. Lord, I got my aunt-in-law got killed by a hermit crab. She thought she was going home to her shell and ended up being a hermit crab shell

when that hermit crab got home. Lord, it messed up something awful. She herself was a hermit crab. Might be useful for context. You know, family, the family we didn't, we had too much so we had to eat boiled hermit crab. Life back then was too much, you know. But it was just enough at the same time. Yeah, I lived in a 15 room porcelain marble structure.

Toilet? No, they had 15. I heard you lived in the toilet tank. I lived in a toilet where the poop go. Yeah, I used to have to block that poop from hitting my family. Yeah, I hope. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed.

I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed.

I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed. I used to have to eat the where the poop go. Yeah. I used to have to block that poop from hitting my family. Yeah. I hope. I used to have to eat the whole log when they flushed.

I ate it at a garden. They didn't have no plumbing issues, though. I ate all that poop. Yeah. I was a poop man down in Louisiana. I used to think the poop went into the tank after you flushed it. So I ate all of it. As it turns out, it's really designed to where the poop does you flushed it. So I ate all of it as it turns out.

It's really designed to where the poop does not go that way. When I was a kid, I thought that the water in the back of the toilet had pee in it. I thought it would purify the pee and then send it down with it. I thought that the poop sat there and then maybe one day my parents ate it. I don't know. I don't know what that was. So, I try to do the same for my kids and basically what I'm telling you guys here at VH1

Studios is that I was a very stupid boy. I used to think that the USPS, I used to think the UPS truck, the brown truck sold ice cream but only sold chocolate ice cream. So, I tell my mama when UPS man will come and drop our package. I said,

I want to go get a chocolate ice cream. My mama would tell my mama when UPS man will come and drop a package, I said, I want to go get a chocolate ice cream. My mama would tell me over and over again, Jacob, they do not sell ice cream. They bring letters and I said, mama know that I don't want no letters. I want a damn

chocolate cone. Yeah. And she used to say, Jacob, you are a fat boy and you are not quite bright and they do not sell ice cream out of that. I come running out to the damn UPS man. I said, UPS man, I know you got chocolate in there. And he would be like,

sort of like a short, fat, alcoholic, Hispanic man. And he'd say, I don't sell, boy, I do not sell ice cream out of my truck. And I'd say, I'd start crying. I'd tell my mom, he'd lie. He'd lie to me. I used to eat the chicken wings from FedEx and get real sick. Yeah, they call them the FedEx five wing deal.

Yeah, for five wings you can get, for ten letters you can get five wings. I'd save up my mail to give it back to the FedEx man. And then he would give me those sweet sour chicken wings. Now it turns out they was pigeon toes. But at the time I couldn't tell no difference. Yeah, that's a good Eden. Mm hmm. Actually, I was poisoned a lot. Anyway, what

the **** What are we? What are we? Dude, it took me and Thomas like an inordinate amount of time to figure out this bed here. Yeah. We're sitting on a fold out bed. Um guys who've worked with their hands a fair amount and just didn't learn anything intuitively speaking from those times in our lives. It had written instructions on the thing. Once we found those it was smooth sailing.

Written instructions on it and now it wasn't really. It said pull the handles and I said there's the handle and you said Jake I don't think that's the handle at all and I said it looks like it it was just a piece of pulled it I said I'm not seeing a handle here and you said it's there I said where is it you touch just a piece of the front you touch the hinge and I said all right I'll try it I said I feel like this is not going well you said yeah I don't think it is and we're both just kept doing it all right well let's try and break this thing and we'll see

Yeah, it was good. It was good time. I could good. It was hard though Cuz we had to you know, we just been sleeping on the cushions. We just had them in the corner like dogs But oh man, that's a road life for you, man. Yeah road doggin Just taking sleeping pills We've been on tour now for about one day and then today's the last day of tour yeah for me then you're going a grand grand cedar cedar cedar Rapids yeah I'm gonna see the Rapids I am chilling in cedar Rapids do you think that they still fuck Bill and Hillary no I don't think they

have for like probably 25 years you think they're in fuck Bill and Hillary? No, I don't think they have for like 25 years. You think they're in a loveless sort of situation? I think they are, I'm very confident they are. I think they're publicly in a loveless relationship. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, you know, they might still. I love my husband. Hillary, I believe you and me, we're gonna make it, baby.

Now, I am a notorious sexual criminal, but I do have love in my heart for you still. Will you renew your vows with me, Bill Clinton? Girl, I ain't doing all that, is what she would say. That's how she talks whenever she's not on stage. Oh, girl, I ain't doing, I ain't doing all that, that's what she'd say. That's how she talks whenever she's not on stage. Oh, girl, I ain't doing, I ain't fucking with you. Boy, get your ass out of here. It's your cheating ass.

If she talk like that, she might have won. You think she would have done a black suit? Obama ain't nothing. Girl, you come talk to me like that. Come on, Obamacare? More like Obama, don't nobody care about that shit. We sending drones. We sending fucking CIA to come get you we taking all the water out of Haiti And we making it into Fuji water

feed feed Who made a Fuji Apple on 18 million gallons of African? It's almost the same work. Yeah, it is It's they're both Japanese. Fiji is a part of Japan probably Fiji is a part of Japan probably Like how you were not confident, I don't know if that's true. Yeah, it is I don't think so I decided it's a Japanese word so Jamie pull that up Jamie show me your but I'm very certain. It's not is it around the Virgin Island where? Fiji location I feel like I don't know where anything is which is probably like not important I don't feel

like oh it's a country it's its own country in Oceania it's in the South Pacific see that's giving me nothing it's it's like a Maui Maui Maui Maui it's uh oh yeah no it's uh yeah it's north of New Zealand and east of Australia it looks like okay it's in it you'll it's near a Vanuatu oh yeah and New Caledonia Tuvalu, Solomon Islands you know all that Caledonia, it's like a what is that Caledonia love? I think France is in control of New Caledonia Let's look up New Caledonia. I know people are like, please Thomas look up New Caledonia on the podcast Don't worry. I'll get to it. Yeah, it's an island country. It's a French territory

Don't worry, I'll get to it. It's an island country. It's a French territory, comprising dozens of islands in the South Pacific. It's actually known for its palm-lined beaches and marine life-rich lagoon. It has, I would love to, growing up I always thought I'd be in a lagoon setting more. Because I watched a lot of like,

like action, like spy cartoons and stuff you know yeah yeah yeah like there will be a lagoon filled with crocodiles at some point and I'll need to brave that they've never been in a lagoon setting as an adult actually no quicksand no lagoon and I pick up trash for a living. Dude, as a kid we would go to Galveston and they would have these like multi-million dollar old mansions from like when Galveston was kind of like a hustle bustle. Kind of like a Vegas sort of deal. And I fully believe that you could just You could just buy one and it was like it because when you're a kid a thousand dollars and a million dollars are like Fundamentally this yeah, you know what I mean, and I was like I can't wait to grow up and move to Galveston and change my whole life

I'm gonna be one of those you know those Galveston big wig guys they walk around in suits You know what I mean they drive their speed boats. They smoke long cigarettes, and they got cool hats I'm gonna own an old haunted mansion when I was a kid I basically I think I wanted to be like in a like a gay Italian theater owner When I was like because in my I'm in my mind a rich guy. I didn't know In my mind like my parents friends that were like upper middle class I Guess they were like Or like middle class they they were like car salesman rich

Where it's like I the dad probably makes like 150 grand a year and he's got a nice truck and I was like oh these Guys, these are these are loaded guys But there's a class above them and they walk her because Galveston was the only place I had ever been that wasn't my house You know what I mean? And so and I would see all these and they have homes there that people don't live in there from literally like the heyday of Galveston We're like the you the steel magnets would live. You can walk around them. It's like a historical district in Galveston, Texas.

All my G-heads will know this. And I was like, God, I can't wait. I'm gonna be a writer. I'm gonna move to the beautiful island of Bolivar Peninsula, and I'm gonna write amazing, scary stories, and I'm gonna wear a long hat, and I'm gonna wear, I would tell my mom,

Mom, I'm gonna move to Galveston, I'm gonna wear a suit everywhere, and I'm gonna have a long feather hanging out of my hat, and I'm gonna wear I'm gonna tell I would tell my mom mom. I'm gonna move to gals And I'm gonna wear a suit everywhere And I'm gonna have a long feather hanging out of my hat and I'm gonna be a writer and she'd be like that's amazing son I have to go to my third Job because you keep eating all the fucking macaroni cups Because you're fucking fat as fuck and as it turns out that life It doesn't really exist Galveston is mostly a place where you go to like Smoke meth and like go to strip clubs where the girls have like bullet holes and shit. Mm-hmm. Yeah

It's a nice place. So yeah South Padre Island is probably one of the nicest places I've ever been nowhere near Galveston at all. It's a wonderful beautiful place Have you been to South Padre Island? That was a fancy vacation place if my parents were doing well, we would go to South Padre Island? That was a fancy vacation place. If my parents were doing well, we would go to South Padre. And if not, we would either not go on, we had some no vacation years, which is fine. But Port Aransas, Corpus Christi, or Galveston. We were really close.

The South Padre was nice, but it was like I Think it was like a 13 hour drive for us. Yeah, it's pretty you're going from one tip of Texas to the other basically Yeah, the first time I went to Padre was for spring break when I was in college And that was the first time I did No, that was the first time I cocaine No, I think I've been pretty much doing cocaine a lot at that point. That's so horrible Yeah Can't believe it. I can't believe you would admit something like that on the podcast. Oh, yeah. No, I'm a bad guy

What was I gonna say? Oh, yeah, you could um the cops would drive around and they would be like what's in that cup? And if it was alcohol and you're under 21, they would just take you to jail. They give you like a PI or something I've told the story on the show before Edgar was driving around South Padre Island. He was with us. Shout out my boy Ed and He's Mexican first gen and which is fine nowadays Yeah, yeah, it's fine and all of his cousins lived down there like they're in Corpus and they like a lot of them work for like local police station. And he was like, I was like, Edgar at the time was like a professional drunk driver. He loved driving drunk. And I was like,

Ed, brother, you're gonna get pulled over, like you're gonna get pulled over and go to jail, bud. Like, we got to go back to Oz. You got work. And he was like, nah. He would joke and he'd be like, nah, man, you know me. Mexicans always get it. We'll always find a way, you know, like, I probably got somebody working at the police station, we would laugh, because it's cool to be racist with your friends. And he gets pulled over, drunk as fuck, leaving a gas station, and he's texting us and he's like, guys, I'm fucked, like, it's over, like, can somebody drive my car back? And we're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, we're like freaking out.

And like an hour and a half goes by, he's not texting, not calling, and he just rolls up to the hotel. He's like, hey, what's up, guys? And I was like, Ed, I thought you were gonna go to jail. And he was like, the guy that pulled me over, like my mom babysat him for like 10 years. Like, it was not a joke at all. Like everything he was saying jokingly ended up being true.

He's like, yeah, that guy's basically like my brother. And I was like, when was the last time you saw him? He was like, dude, I saw him on holidays like six months ago. I was like, it's just a cop in South Padre Island. He was like, you're from like the valley. He was like, yeah, we're spread out all over. And I was like, I mean a cop incorporated in South Padre Island. It's like you you're from like the valley He's like, yeah, we're spread out all over and I was like, I guess it makes sense And so he just like got away with just like swerving down the South Padre strip It is like Nissan syndrome. The guy was like, hey man, if you do this again, I'm gonna tell your mom

And he was like, oh, please don't do that He's got away with it completely for being like yeah Just being a Mexican guy in a place where Mexican guys live live I wish white guys had that kind of power dude. You know what I mean? Yeah, I wish we had like connections I wish we had power within the police Yeah, we should have privileged you know all the DEI stuff you know yeah We need to we need to get more white people in the police system. That's my new thing Yeah When I got arrested police system, that's my new thing. Jesus. Yeah. When I got arrested,

and I had to go to court, I was 15 and my mom made me wear a really big suit. Like a huge, like David Byrne suit. She was obviously very mad at me for going to jail. Because I was 15 and I was selling weed. Because parents don't understand. Parents don't understand how important it is to sell weed and adderall at the park. She was like, when you go,

you're gonna be respectful to the judge, and you're gonna look your best. I can't believe you'd do something like this. And I'll be like, okay, I understand, mom, I'm sorry. Well, I didn't have a suit. I was fucking 15 years old, I had no suit. I had never, when we would go to church, I would just wear like the white button up

and like the blue denim that like my dad would wear. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like I had no suit. And so we had to go to Target to get me a suit to wear to court. Because my mom in her defense was like 30 at the time. So in her mind, she's like, my son's gonna go, he might go to jail again,

because they didn't know what they were gonna do with me. So she was like, we have to make him look professional. Which I understand, you know. So we went to Target and my mom got me the biggest boxiest like talking head suit that they had. It was pinstripe too. Like the biggest, she like, the suit jacket went down to like the middle of my knees and the slacks were like huge

This was before the skinny suit thing became kind of standard issue. This is like 2007 or 2008 So every suit that you bought was like 15 sizes too big for you even if it fit like your waist and your chest and stuff, so I'm rolling up to the courthouse in Houston and She I had long hair like she kind of like well Maybe like your length she made me slick it back completely like she was like you're not gonna have like shaggy hair You're not gonna look like a damn hippie. You gotta look like you you you know, we You learn your lesson So we like slicked my hair back dude

And then I had this like pinstripe suit on where the sleeves are like past my wrists And it was huge and then I had these huge like blue Navy blue slacks on that were that were like hanging off And then I didn't have any dress shoes, and we didn't have enough money We they spent all the money in the suit so I was just rocking checkered vans on with the slacks I looked completely insane. I looked like I was doing more drugs than just weed I had slit perfectly slicked back and super gelled concrete hair huge blue pants Huge white pinstripe or black with white pinstripe suit Checkered vans and my white church button-up and I went to court and begged for my life from the judge

And it was one of those courts or it wasn't just me there. I was there with like a bunch of people Mm-hmm, and dude every other teenager that was there would just had on like a nice shirt. I Lure I look I looked like You know when you go to create a character in a video game You don't care about and you just throw a bunch of yeah Yeah, I was in the Houston courtroom like that talking to the judge and the judge was like Still smoking marijuana and I was like, no sir. And I guess concrete hair like Gordon Gekko big suit checkered vans And I was like, no, sir. And I guess concrete hair like Gordon Gecko, big suit, checkered van.

And he was like, where did you get the marijuana? And I was like, I don't know. I don't want to like I was like, I have no idea. He was like, can you pass a drug test? And I was like, yes. And I was looking around and I was realizing like none of the other teenagers here were dressed like a fucking like a cocaine dealer that lives in a trailer park like an insane person like a completely fucking insane guy and

Anyway, they was like well if you pass a drug test We won't like send you to like I couldn't go to jail, but they were like gonna send me I guess I forgot like juvie yeah something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I was selling weed I wasn't just smoking weed Yeah, you know on the way back anyway on the way back home my mom is like you got off lucky because they knocked it down to paraphernalia charge and when we get back to the house my dad was there for some reason and my dad like I walk in the house and my dad was

like what the fuck you know where the fuck y'all been and we were my mom was like Jacob he had to go court remember yeah selling marijuana in the park my dad was like you brought him to court like that like the boys got the biggest fucking suit on I ever done seen why is his hair slick back like that Stacy what are you trying to make him look like a goddamn fucking he looks like he's fucking mentally ill he looks crazy no I think he looks like a good boy she even had that was like dude you ever go back to court you just wear a nice button-up shirt you say yes sir you say no sir you wear a nice pair of boots and you wear you wear a belt and you wear blue jeans.

Best blue jeans. Stacey, this boy looked like he fucking just got off the goddamn. Like he just came out of the fucking mental hospital. This boy looks insane. My mom is just like, well, I mean, it worked. The judge told him is like, well, it probably works, Stacey, because he's fucking 15 years old. You probably thought you brought a retard boy to the court room.

Probably felt bad for the damn son of a bitch my day He was just we were like I was like take like trying to get a fucking This like quaff out of my fucking hair and taking suit on my dad was just say hey man listen You ever get arrested again just fucking you gotta do all this shit, man It's it's we like I got caught with fucking crack cook came to my boot I show up the next day and fuck in front of the magistrate wearing the same bullshit I just said I saw her and I went home I'm surprised they didn't send you to the fucking looney bin

It was the most fucking insane get-up I think I'd ever I Try I wish I had taken a picture like my mom would have taken like a court picture. Yeah, it was just nuts. I wore to to my last court appearance I wore Giant slacks Dress shoes and then I wore an untuck it shirt, but I wore it tucked in okay Yeah, and it was a hand-me-down from my mom's pastor And I was

2021 yeah And I was 20 21 yeah Yeah, they what were you when you when I guess when they like what were you rocking when they took you to the jail When they caught you dude Vintage woo wear shirt double XL of course button up Bright red rayon with bees on it shirt. Uh huh. Double XL. Of Red safety glasses with yellow lenses. And bright blue foam posits. No. The foam. You had the foams on. I had the foams on.

No, Tom. And what did the cops say anything about your get up? Or was he just like, we got to take this boy to the dam They didn't say anything about the get there wasn't a whole lot to be said about the get up Yeah, but I you know like they make you change out or whatever Yeah, and then I had to change back into those clothes uh-huh when I left the Jail oh my god, so I had to go I had to dress like Billy Eilish out of the county jail Fuck yeah, yeah, that's awesome. I think I was wearing I

was wearing a minor threat t-shirt and like the skinniest black jeans that this that hot topic sold and I black jeans that this that Hot Topic sold and I was wearing the high top converse and I had etched an anarchy symbol into the toe Cuz I was really into like always shit time which like Cuz I there's the lady that took me to jail Her name I remember because she had this monologue that she did it wasn't really a monologue I'm over selling it her last name was convicted which which is like a, like I've heard it before,

like I think it was like a TV writer or something, but it's like a Polish name or something. It's spelled with, you got the little symbol or whatever. It's like K-O-N-V-I-K something A or whatever. And she was like, they call me Officer Konwika, because I always judge always so it's book Adam when I bring him to the thing or whatever she was like 300 pounds ugly as fuck warthog bitch.

She's just doing her job anyway. I remember thinking like like what? Why are you talking to me like this? I I've talked about getting arrested the show plenty times before but there's like one aspect of it, I think I just like They tried to do the scared straight. She tried to do the scared straight thing with you I told you about that where we were on the way to the police station She's like they're gonna turn your little butt to fucking soup that literally didn't say that Crazy they're gonna eat you out crazy style in there

With their hands turn your little white ass to fucking me so stretch you out like they're making a pizza But uh but yeah, I was like I'm not scared I Mean I was scared of going to jail, but I was like Threatening a teenage boy with rape for smoking weed seemed psychotic. Yeah, and yet we do it every day. We do it every single goddamn day in this beautiful country of ours. Fucking A. Yeah. But what can you do?

I mean, look, you don't want to be caught lacking. You know, you want to be fresh when you go in. For sure, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And then, you know, you can get all scented up with the piss blankets and everything yeah, go pee blankets It's cold as fuck in there. It's cold as shit. I don't know why all the lights are way too bright I got the TV on super loud. They'd have a TV in the jail I was in they had a TV on real loud. They had the lights on so bright nobody could sleep and they had I was in they had a TV on real loud and they had the lights on so bright nobody could sleep and they had

And it was like the white lights to all the big like like the LEDs halogens. Yeah, and there was one guy in there who was just He was just like a He was just drunk basically or something or maybe he was a DUI But they had had him in there for like four days just cuz he was like rude to the arrest. Oh, yeah Yeah, they just been denying him the right to leave. Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah I love all of the sovereign citizen video guys because they'll do it in like a big city and the cop will be like, ah Well, you seem to know your stuff and the cops clearly very pissed off you get like the sovereign citizen youtubers The cops like clearly magic seem to know your stuff pal All right, well

You have a good day, and they'll say a little stanky guys like yeah I have a good day officer and then look at the camera It's like and that is how you talk to the occupying army that is the police in Buffalo, New York, and I think Buffalo's not crazy big city, but it's a mid-level city Yeah, dude. I always like I hate to I hate to pull It but like try that in a small town try that sovereign citizen shit I don't like the police obviously, but every time I see that video. I'm like there's a reason you're doing this in like I don't know like

Urbana, Illinois like not a huge crazy big city, but like a mid-level city do that shit with Bubba the fucking like a mid-level city. Do that shit with Bubba, the fucking like a Peaster state trooper. He was gonna, he's gonna fuck you in your butt like. Yeah. He's gonna, he's gonna, he will fucking like the, I feel like Texas state troopers especially the ones that run the rural routes, if you know the law they're just gonna make, they're gonna hurt you. they don't care like they arrest lawyers and shit and then they're like the judge doesn't care cuz it's like that's his brother or something you know what I mean it's all true detective shit out there I don't know if they're fucking kids but like the interconnectivity of

it yeah yeah but that's all gonna change once I'm a state trooper do you think you're gonna like try to change the system from the inside yeah I'm a state trooper. Do you think you're gonna like try to change the system from the inside? Yeah, I'm gonna let people go for everything I'm gonna accept bribes also Do you do you Thomas white accept the honor and the privilege of being a Texas state trooper and all the duties with there within? Yep, do you promise to uphold the law the truth and the way of our Lord Jesus Christ and the statutes and jurisprudence of the way of our Yes. Hold on a second. You just said that you wouldn't. I said I would not up. I said that I would. I am a bad police officer. I disagree. I disagree

with the law, sir. Sir, I disagree. That was not a bribebe it was just some money that I accepted In exchange for letting somebody go That was a favor Which a favor is okay if you're police officer. A favor is just fine. It doesn't count I mean every time I see the blood the drug busts there was one in my old apartment complex when I was living in Austin They dude he had this guy had fucking motion brother. He had those on the roof of his like impala or something. It was like fucking bags and bags of weed, bags and

bags of what I guess was Coke or maybe cat. I don't know. And then just bands, dude, bands and like one of those like bank bags, you know, take the zipper and the cop had like opened it up and it was just rollies dude fucking wrapped up And it was like he I could see it was probably like six or seven cars down from from me. I was getting my car And I had the thought I had the thought which was like could I run over there and grab that money and nobody would notice And the answer of course was yes Of course the police would notice and the answer of course was yes, of course the police would notice me interrupting

An arrest to grab probably what was essentially probably just a thousand dollars in ones Let's be real because you know, he was selling drugs out of the apartment where I lived not like a mansion or something, you know But I really really wanted that money bad because I figured you know If I have that money I could spend it on jewel pods and jeans and stuff. Important stuff. Important shit. I would take money for sure if I was a cop. From evidence?

I would 100% do it. Yeah. I feel like... I feel like they do catch people if it's from evidence. Well not from the evidence locker or whatever, but if you're arresting someone. I feel like you could just take a little bit like a couple hundred bucks. I don't know. I think they confiscated it and then they basically indirectly steal it.

You know, yeah, civil forfeiture goes to the all the Margarita machines in the office. Yeah, the big monster truck tires for the fucking armored truck. Yeah. Yeah. Civil asset forfeiture. I didn't know is like that's like how they that's how they get a lot of their nice stuff Is they steal like so much money and property from people and you'll you never get it back? And then that's how they get like more AR 15s and like a cog sites and stuff. I think I don't I think I want to like I Think I want to make it like a potion and then give it to all the local police And it's like a special type. Yeah that purple stuff. Yeah, oh

All I want to do is bang screw bang screw Dress it up and make it real for me Whatever that fucking means I love that line at the beginning of March Madness makes cracks me up every fucking time I'm going to get my soda. Dress it up and make it real for me. Whatever that **** means. I love that line at the beginning of March Madness. Makes cracks me up every **** time. Have you seen that video? Uh just

talking about it. Somebody on the show. Future, it's like an Instagram story that somebody I guess screen recorded but there's this like girl on a bikini and like a pool and it's future and he's at the he's at his house He's got his whole entourage with him. It's like eight huge black dudes And they're all like passing around a blunt and she's like talking to future and she's like poppy come in the pool

poppy like being all coy and He like he takes a sip from his cup. He goes you for everybody and she goes Like she sits there for like doesn't say anything goes now you fucking the whole crew and she goes you for everybody and she goes like she sits there for a second doesn't say anything he goes nah you fucking the whole crew and she goes no just you and he was like nah everybody and then just the video ends and I was like I feel like that's like a she was like is for you and he was like nice for us yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah that one yeah yeah yeah you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. She was like, not funny. Future belongs in prison.

But he did make dirty. He did make DS2, which is one of the best albums of all time. We're now going to read the ad read for the video. Introducing the new, introducing the new, sorry I can't pronounce this. Introducing the new and improved formula for freaky pill. Freaky pill? Yeah freaky pill. Freaky pill. Freaky pill is brought to you by getting money up pharmaceuticals. Freaky pill if taken in the morning, ensures that you will bust crazy loads

and you will be more of a sexual freak than ever before. Better than Cialis, Viagra, Sildanafil, or Meddadafil, the freaky pill was created by two heart of gold hustlers with the sun in their eyes and love in their hearts. And when you take the Freaky Pill, you can guarantee that you're gonna get freaky forever and nothing will ever go wrong when you're on the Freaky Pill. Thomas, do you want to read the verbatim part? Use Freaky Pill, sorry, do not use

Freaky Pill to get too freaky or your Freakometer will reach the max. Freakometer reaching the max can lead to high blood pressure, sweaty hands, and laying that pipe down too long and making it too crazy for the late lady. Using freaky pill to lay that thing down can lead to premature death, see you that you will need a straw for them to come out And it'll have to be a big long straw that you have to suck on to get them out Use code pendejo 50 to And we will and the freaky pill comm will send you 1 million free freaky pills That will be a 15 lifetime free Freaky Pills for anyone.

It's a pretty good deal. That's a really good deal. And then you might think, what's the point of buying them after you get that? Well, this could, you know, it's not our company. We don't make the, we're not making money off this. We're not making money off the Freaky Pill. You use Freaky Pill in conjunction with Freaky Drink

to get extra freaky. If you want to try Freaky Pill and Freaky Drink for free, use Pendejo code 50. Pendejo 50 to get 50 gallons of Freaky Drink delivered to your door in oil drums. One Freaky Drink is equal to 50 Freaky Pills, but 50 Freaky Pills is only equal to 10 Freaky Drinks. Two Freaky Drinks and one Freaky Pill

will make your thing so freaky that people will call the police on you and you don't have to go to jail for the rest of your life. So be sure to use with caution. Two guys getting money and making freaky ass drugs are not responsible for death, dismemberment, or any hospitalizations or arrests that occur under the influence of freaky drink and or freaky pill

or freaky pill and freaky drink in conjunction with each other. Two guys making freaky ass Medicines and making sexual ass drugs are not going to be responsible for you fucking that thing so good that it fucking explodes That's their copy. I wish that they wouldn't right there. Yeah, I don't really like I don't like that Too freaky motherfuckers getting money and making sexual ass medicines are not going to be responsible If you get that girl pregnant with so many babies that she has to go get studied by Doctors I don't like to include I really it makes it makes it seem like this is like a not a real medicine

Yeah, it makes it seem that this is not real seems gross two sexual freaky ass nasty bastards with no spirit And no soul and they're coming for you right now And they're gonna get you are not responsible for you having so much fucking freaky ass sex That your family no longer recognize Good to know in parentheses. Thanks guys really hope that we can get this off the ground you can say this on the show if you want Really appreciate you guys. We did send Thomas 10 freaky drinks and Jake we sent you 10 freaky pills And we did put it in you guys's food so be prepared to be extra free Yeah, I'm feeling really free already, and I actually

I'm actually having some issues with my heart as we speak yeah my balls Vibrating yeah, I can feel them across the couch yeah You're getting a phone. you're getting a call from the yeah it looks like it's a number the aerial code looks like it's from Boner City yeah it says Boner City and it says freak drink yeah I don't really really really really really really think that we're that the whole that the country is gonna be around much longer. At least as we know it. But what I am excited is guys like Freaky Drink and Freaky Pill, like the two sexual

motherfuckers making badass naughty medicines at LLC. I'm glad that those guys can get their nut before the building's completely burnt down. You know what I mean? Definitely. Yeah. And I'm excited to see what the freaky Corporation gets up to next because You know I've been probably going through 15 to 20 honey packs a day until this product

Yeah, yeah, you know it's hard for me to eat if I don't have we don't sell anything or promote anything that we don't use Right right so yeah the thing about Two naughty fucking The thing about Two naughty fucking Broke back motherfuckers getting money and making sexual medicine LLC is that we don't listen. I don't understand that world and they don't understand podcasting but together we can bring you guys Stuff that you can take to get it so wet and creamy that the house has to the foundation of the house has to be Redone you know absolutely I love the way you worded that yeah, me too, but I think the people are really gonna like it as well Yeah, I think they're gonna like how long we've been talking about freaky. Oh, yeah. Oh

Yeah Too nasty sexual motherfuckers making badass medicines and getting money forever LLC if you could make a new type of Medicine what would it be and what would it taste like? Okay. Straight up, um, if I could make a pill that could increase your sort of cosmic odds of making a lot of money, while also making you really high, and it would taste like a pineapple and a pomegranate together. I would probably, it would be called, I would probably call it the getting money and feeling awesome pill.

I think you were referring to it as some sort of pineapple cocaine. No. Which I would think. No, because cocaine doesn't make you have money. It makes you think that you're about to have a lot of money though. It's true. It makes you think wait. I just cracked it I Think I just alright. Yeah, we're about to I'm gonna get it raised wait wait wait. Oh, okay here We are as we are we're about to be right there It's not like I've called in sick ten days in a row

They're gonna give me the keys to the motherfucking king once I come in with a buck talking really fast. You're gonna love me, dude Because here's the thing when I'm in my car and I'm drinking Rumpelmann's out of my flask and I'm doing key bumps I'm creating a beautiful equilibrium that resembles normalcy in here in a normal guy Most know most guys are red and are red and their eyes are really like kind of glazed over and they can't speak. That's how most normal people are. And that's a sigma behavior whenever you can't speak

at work because you actually are balancing so many medications and you're doing such a good job at it that nobody can tell. They just think, oh wow, he's reserved. Nobody's reserved nowadays. They're all, you know, he's reserved. Nobody's reserved nowadays. Everybody wants to be a star. You're just quiet and sweaty, and you're on FaceTime with a guy

you went to high school with. Customers are calling and you don't pick up the phone because you're not gonna act too eager to speak and to be noticed. You're not looking for attention. You're low. You're in the cut. You know what I mean? 100%. And that's what CEOs are.

Yeah, I think people have lost that entrepreneurial spirit. They've lost the ability to understand what it means to make a bunch of money and fucking flex on literally every motherfucker in your life. Your dad, your mom, your grandma, your aunt, your dog. My plan is to go back to Pasadena in like five years when me and you are doing incredible. When everything kind of finally falls into place for you and me, when we're, you know, when,

it's not like all this is gonna go away and we're just gonna go back to working, like I'm just about washing dishes or something. This is only gonna like, I'm gonna be Brad Pitt and you're gonna be George Clooney and in ten years We're gonna be sitting on a cigarette, but you are gonna be Brad Pitt Yeah, yeah, and you are gonna be in a lot of what you've done a lot of things that Brad Pitt is also I have I got in really good shape. I'm like an incredible actor. I'm very conventionally handsome

Yeah, I have a six-pack year-round I've kind of a kind of a nice salt and pepper stubble Yeah, I'm gonna go back to pass it and you can always be trusted on private airplanes. Just like him. Yes Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm gonna go back to Pasadena. I'm gonna tell them all the fuckers Brad Pitt's here. Oh Pasadena pits in town They're gonna start calling it Brad. It's Brad Yeah, they're gonna say what's your name? Jacob Jacobina

Jacob's passage Jacob D. Jacob Dina. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Jakey Rota Jack I roll Jack Rota. Hey, Jake Rota. How you doing, man? I'm gonna go to my high school reunion, dude I'm gonna flex on every motherfucker that I was personally friends with that I miss and then I hope their lives are good I'm gonna say dude. What you know what happened? Oh? You got really hurt at your job. That's real yeah, I just got back from fucking selling 20 tickets and Sacramento okay, yeah, I'll have you know that I just opened up for Richter to comedian yeah, I'll have you know I just opened up for a regionally middling comedian Who is sort on his last leg?

Pick up a little bit of that final steam for the train comes to the station you know I mean Yeah, I opened up. I have you guys know I've been opening up for a terrible alcoholic liar Who? I've been opening up for a terrible alcoholic liar Who at? 1998 the fucking stars aligned for him and he was in a movie get this with Jim Brewer and We stay in beach houses together And he tells me that that one day if I'm lucky I can be just like him and he fucking means it Yeah, and he tells me every goddamn day. We'll be in a car together, and he'll say things like dude I'm when I was your age, and you're on the right path right path and I look over to him and he's got this black tooth

It stinks. Yeah, you know what I mean? And he's drinking Miller Lite out of a sonic cup and I think goddamn I can't wait to be him People don't know what it's like to know a guy who you who used to do open mics with Ralphie May Yeah They don't know what it's like to know that he went on the road with Dave Chappelle one time before Chappelle was famous You know yeah, yeah, and he talks about it to a guy who met My guy who one time went to a show where Jim Gaffigan was there Yeah, yeah, he did heroin with Joey Diaz before Joey Diaz ever did stand-up right was just a Puerto Rican that robbed people

Yeah, that was a... And if me and Thomas are lucky, one day there will be a young buck right here on the couch with us. Sitting right here. Right here. Probably 19 years old, smooth. There's enough space. Yeah. He's going to want to be a little... Yeah. He'll be a little guy. And he'll be like, I to be a comedian We'll be like there's a pathway to it for you Yeah, that was a play you're the smoocher. I'm the caresser

Yeah, I'm rubbing his hair What's that his leg? He's 25 right yeah How old is he? He's 25, right? Yeah You're doing great don't listen to him. You're gonna be the biggest comedian. Don't listen to him. I'm serious You feeling okay? It's gonna be okay man, it's I know he's acting up right now, but like he's cool. He's cool. He's my guy. Hey listen, baby boy

I just like to laugh you want to be a big comedian Don't you you want to be a big comedian don't you want to be what you have to do? It's your 28th birthday. This is we're gonna show you how to be funny. Yeah, you're three feet tall And one day you're gonna be ten feet tall, baby You just got to go Just you just got to go into town and get daddy a little bit of fake opiate from the gas Station and then you're gonna be the biggest comedian in the whole fucking world. I know open mics are scary They're so scary, but you're not too great

These each of this is one of his legs I'm pulling all the meat out of his leg like artisans I'm pulling all the meat out of his leg like a rotisserie chicken Give me your blood fucking phones bitch, but it feels so good to eat a live human There was a guy who claimed to Been like he did some cannibal stuff When he was I think he was on a I know I never was on something awful, but or was it I think maybe albino black sheep Anyway, I remember seeing screenshots of a dude from one of the forums back in the day that was like oh, yeah

I went to Cambodia and I ate a guy He was like a there's like a thing he like paid to do and he probably was alive But he said it tasted a lot like pork It was just like like he ate together back of the guy's legs and his butt cheeks, and it was pretty good tastes like pork And I was like how do you have it served you uh you just like cook it need they said he ate it over rice like white sticky rice probably lying it's a forum schizophrenic so probably a hundred percent bullshit but when I was reading that shit and I was like 12 like 11 and I was in there I was like I'm talking to a real-life

cannibal right now and he's probably got a million dollars too you know what I mean yeah yeah eating the guys butt cheeks first when you've never had human before a little bit weird I think there was an aspect of it that it's a part of the body That's pretty tender because your arm muscles are very sinewy There's a lot of tendons And so I think that the back of the inside of the thigh and the butt meat is a little bit more like tender Where it's like this is very sinewy a lot of ligaments. Yeah, I'll probably just start with you know like the ears the ears Why

They're little oh yeah, I get them nice and crunchy. I don't know if cartilage would be good. You know You ever had Rocky Mountain oysters. I had an opportunity to try but I never did. No, I just I Like I like normal food Yeah, I'm not eating balls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah No disrespect to the community, but animal balls. I just don't you know sometimes If I would be vegetarian. You know, I had a big lunch Just give me one ball

Just a ball in a wrap Don't even cut it up Eating it yeah, you're eating it like a mango You got one of those old whittling knives missing balls grow on trees around here kid you know those old movies where like like the kind of sage redneck dude is sitting on a porch and he's just like peeling off chunks of an apple with like a whittling knife. It's kind of it looks like a little sickle those kind of you know knife I'm talking about my granddad used to have one he'd like yeah

he'd just carve chunks of apple out with it. Yeah it's just leaning up against a post it's like painted white and it's chipped and the foundation's cracked a little bit. There's a red hawk soaring here in the foothills, the beautiful hills of Appalachia and you're lost. You're going on a road trip, a solo road trip

to find yourself and you're just making your way through Kentucky. You're going up, you know, you drove through Tennessee and now you're up here towards the kind of just the smoky hills of West Virginia. You get lost, you turn around. You see a house in the distance on the hill, red hawk flying over and you go, I remember what my dad told me, he was an eagle scout, red hawk fly over house that's where you go to find out. And you go up to the house and you see a figure standing leaning up against the post.

He's got a long piece of wheat hanging out of his mouth and he's only wearing overalls and you go, trustworthy. You walk up to him, he doesn't move, he doesn't even address you. You see that he's whittling something and he's putting pieces of it into his mouth. Probably got a big juicy red apple. And so he picks his hair, his health, and you get up to him and he looks at you, he's like, you lost, boy?

And you look down and he's got a huge bull nut. Then he's carving up a chunk, putting cube, perfect cubes of bull testicle into his teeth. Sucking on it and then chewing it and then swallowing it. Would you trust him? Yeah, I would. Yeah, me too. Then I would eat balls.

Then I would eat testicles. Man, I got a fucking TT. If you want to, we're at like 58 minutes, if you want to. No, that's cool. We'll do the last two minutes. If you want to eat a piece of pie, all you got to do is say goodbye, say goodbye to the life that you once knew and then every day the skies are blue. Tell your family that you're hitting the road tell them that you're going alone

tell them that you're going to find yourself put all those old pictures on the shelf i'm hitting the road to find a piece of apple pie apple in my eye piece of pie look at the sky i'm just a normal guy hitting the road it's time of my life then then you go down the road you get to the diner it's a guy you know you went to high school with him his name is Keith he says I got a piece of pie for your teeth gives you a piece of delicious pie you chew it up chewable guy you get a piece of tall glass of white milk and then you drink it up good it's smooth as silk it's a tasty ass cup of milk it's a beautiful piece of pie

I think you're getting better at the Lego one every day I think about my baby all the times that she betrayed me every day. I think about my brother He was better than any other every day. I think about my sister I think about the time that I kissed her every day. I think about my mommy She was sour Every day, I think about my pappy He'd like to get drunk and take a nappy every day. I think about my Pappy. He'd like to get drunk and take a nappy. Every day I think about my dog Skip.

I used to give him a little bit of tongue and lip. That's just how it is growing up in Texas. Every time you think you're next up, you realize it's just a dream.