Pendejo Time - Applebee's Waitress

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

Listen Darlin' I got a Tundra with heated seats and a thermos with some beam in it. I  can take you away from here. It don't gotta be like this. My dad was a Minor League player honey. We got some money put away. Support the Show.

I'm a cool guy. Welcome to the free episode of Pendejo Time. Pendejo Man. Ugh! You know... Ugh! Today is a day that will live in infamy. Wednesday. It is Wednesday. We're not doing this. I'll tell you one thing we're not doing.

We definitely planned ahead. And we're not having to do the premium and the free one back to back. No. It's like that song Drake did. It was, you may remember

Jumpman? As a diss record. 2-1 Meek Mill. He said, got the drink and we're going back to back. I don't remember. I think that's how it goes.

Got the drink and got the drink. My name is Drake and I'm back to back. Back to back. Back to back. I like to imagine it's like 30 years from now and you're sitting next to some

community college bartending her way through school type like 21 year old. And you're like, you remember, you remember Drake? Yeah, sure. Yeah. He's got, my name is Drake and I'm back to back. She's like, yeah. Thanks for the Millerer light i yeah but i really should get going i have to study oh you just got here i know i watched you drive i saw you drive in and i know how long you been here so you don't really have anywhere you need to be uh so that's kind of, that excuse is out the window.

What else you got? I don't feel comfortable. No one really ever does. Really feel comfortable. So I kind of need you to come up with something good or me and you are going to be in the news. I'm pregnant. Oh, shit. Well, I'll see you.

It's been nice knowing you. That's a good one, actually. That's usually the only one that ever works with a guy like me. So I do appreciate your honesty, ma'am. I don't want to take a risk thinking maybe you're lying. Last name ever. First name Drake. Like a sprained ankle, my name is Drake. Drake.

Did you ever watch... Hey, listen, listen, listen. I know you're going to get up and leave, but clearly I'm the one with the Glock 40, so you're not... I need you to talk to me like I'm a regular guy. Talk to me like I'm a regular guy. Like I'm not a guy who's 442 pounds with a general corn chip type stench to him. You ever watch Degrassi? Yeah. My mom watched it a lot when I was two.

Yeah, I bet she did. Listen, you don't really got much of a way like out of here. I bet you're used to getting away with that attitude, aren't you? That's funny. You probably think you don't have to be afraid of me just because I can't move from the knees down.

Listen, technically, according to the Disability Association, gout makes me unable to walk. But I can promise you, and several ladies north of Dallas can attest, I can move pretty quickly in this rascal scooter. you need to decide right now if this is going to be like, you know, just something that you don't really kind of just toss off and tell jokes about or if you and me are going to end up on TMZ or whatever the hell they call it, Worldstar. They got Worldstar still? No.

That's fine. Whatever the fuck it is now. I don't go to the hospital often. That's fine. Whatever the fuck it is now. I don't go to the hospital often. That's a lie. What I do about half the time is because I got diabetes and I stepped on a guitar pedal and the whole dang thing got stuck in my foot and I didn't even know. Because I don't wash the bottoms of my feet when I shower. Because I'm not some, oh, you think I'm the Prince of Saudi Arabia over here.

Because I'm not some, oh, you think I'm the Prince of Saudi Arabia over here. I got time to wash my feet in between Cartoon Network Adventure Time Marathons. I'll tell you what. Tell you what, young lady, you keep talking to me like that. I won't even. You think you're getting your tab paid for? She's like, I'm not running a tab. I just bought a gin and tonic, and I already paid for it. I just got off work.

I work at the bar. You have talked to me 30 times a week for the last seven months. I just got off shift, and I really need you to talk to me. You think you're getting out of Chili's without singing me a song? She's like, what does that even mean? What is that? I think you got to do a little dance around

the Dodger room. Listen, when I was 21 in 2021, me and a good friend of mine, we were probably as famous as you can get. We had

the biggest podcast. This side of the Mississippi. This side. And let me tell you something. You right now, I know you don't know who you're talking to, but I think on some level you understand that I ain't no average motherfucker. Did I coach Little League? Yeah.

Do I have three DUIs? Absolutely. Two of them from here? 100%. But you are talking to one of the hosts of the 25th funniest podcast in Thailand, two years running. Hey, a DUI ain't nothing but a letter and some numbers, baby. It ain't nothing but a letter and some numbers baby it ain't even it's listen I think

I think we got off on the wrong foot here I can't feel neither of mine but we did get off on the wrong one so if you if you just kind of want to like dial back the attitude and I'll sort of dial back mine we can start over

because I've been watching you get out of your Pontiac Sunfire for about five years now and so I feel like maybe you could take care of me and I could take care of you you understand I know a lot about pop culture I've seen seen every, and I do mean every, John Wick franchise movie 20 times. So I could teach you a thing or two. We have kids. They'll be cultured. I don't know if I can have any, but we can try. You know my uncle's got the last Sebring they ever made?

And you're talking to me like that. You're treating me like I'm some like I'm any motherfucker that walks into this airport Applebee's. I ain't. I'm leaving a $5 tip on a $225 tab. I'm leaving a rolled

up $5 bill on a $194 tab and you act like I'm just some fucking jack off that comes in here because he's got to take the red out of Dallas. No, I'm not. I'm something special. And if you can't see that, then you're missing out. You know, I could have been in a biker gang if I wanted to.

I had. I used to ride. I had a three-wheel bike and everybody in the biker gangs, three-wheel bike and everybody in the biker gangs, everybody in the Texas two-step, um, against child abuse, uh, weekend biker gang said they only took two seat,

two, two wheelers. And I took that as, as that I could be the leader. Cause I had three wheels and they didn't feel the same way. So I just, you're not only are you talking to a former Sergeant in Arms of a 1% of our gang, but you're also talking to one of the funniest podcasters that ever lived to the 2020s. Now, my co-host, Jake Rest his soul, he's been dead 22 years.

But, you know, because he's here right now. Because he got out of his car too fast. He stood up too fast and there was like a clot or something. Yeah. You know, he was 26 years old. He was actually the first guy in Central Texas to die, not indirectly, but directly from pizza. Yeah. Yeah.

They. You want me to explain? No, I won't be doing that. Because I won't speak ill on his name. No, I won't speak ill on his name. Plus, you know, I start talking about him. You start asking and seeing as I got you at knife point I really don't got much time to waste

so we probably just cut to the chase here I got a trailer and I got about 32 acres of completely barren land and well you're gone so I don't really understand. You see this forearm tattoo?

It's a little cherub in a girl's name. Now, I don't have a daughter, but this is what I'd name her if I had one and she died. So you better feel bad about this. My hypothetical daughter, McKaylin, Gloucester, Hunter, Hunter Williams, Wyatt. McKayla,

Gloucester, Hunter Williams, Jim Beam, Wyatt. Because my wife's Mexican. You know how they got, you know how they be having like nine to 25 names. Yeah.

I just threw in all the other last names of her old boyfriends because I'm not sure. Yeah. And sometimes, and a lot of times, I just pick up shit. You look around the trailer, you see it. Lamp, floor, shoe, Gloucester, Winchester, Red Robin, you know, Red Bull, Bang, Rain Energy Drink. You know why I named one of my sons Smith and the other Nweson? my sons,

Smith, and the other, and Wesson, because I can't have a handgun license anymore because I took mine out at Six Flags, but if I did, that's what I'd use

to protect my family that I love so much. So it's tragedy. So my son, Smith, and my other son, and Wesson, they killed themselves

with a Taurus. With a Taurus 9mm. And then, you know, the funeral part, man, he said, that's something ironic that your only son, Smith, and Wes, died from an Academy 9mm. And I said, well, my daughter,ckaylin gloucester jim beam winchester white is still alive and he said no well you she's being wheeled in now from an overdose of uh cotton candy uh and they said she uh she had too much the texas state fair

yeah basically i said you really don't got much of a choice. I do need a, I do need an air. I have about $3 in an IRA Roth account and I've got about $148,000 tied up in moonshine

still materials. Now, I never made none or never sold any really. Yeah. I drank it all. That I never sold any, really. Yeah. I drank it all. That's kind of how I went blind. But I feel like I can get a pretty penny for you on that deep web.

Or you could be my wife. Them are your options. Yeah, I've been looking at the deep web, you know, on Facebook and stuff. They got some crazy stuff on there, man. Facebook Marketplace. They got some deep web deals on there, man. I got on deep web the other day. I got a nephew.

My nephew, Jack Daniels, Dodge Ram Cummins, Dewey Rhodes. He showed me how to get on what's called deep web. Rhodes, he showed me how to get on what's called deep web. You gotta have something called a bitty little bitty coin or something. Some type of small coin

that you need to buy. Yeah. Anyway, I've been getting on there. I've been buying all sorts of stuff. I bought me a Hungarian AK. I bought me a Malaysian child. I probably shouldn't be buying stuff like this bought me a Hungarian AK. I bought me a Malaysian child. Now, I probably shouldn't be buying

stuff like this. Why forget it on my head? My wife's going to hate me for this. My wife, she'd be getting on me for buying. I mean, you know, first it was the Sawzall. Second, it was you know, that AR-10. And the third

it was the Czechoslovakian man I had the old ball and chain looking on my flash drafts again you know she's gonna be mad

about this I mean look you know you say till death do us part I mean you know hey hey hey you look kind of

like me you know wife can forget just about anything once you start trading and selling children that's something now it's

my fault she doesn't know how to commit. Yeah. Now, you know, I mean, because the good book says forever. And so I start peddling in, you know, things like human skin. Making lamps out of people. Making lamps. You know, she tells me, she said, she says that she can't have stuff like that because, you know,

she can handle the guns and she can handle the, you know, Chuck Norris full cardboard cutout life-size body pillow that I bought. But apparently, apparently she can't handle a little children's skin, you know. Yeah. Oh, so

you know, we don't get to go on vacation this year. I told her. And she gets mad. It's like, well, I got 20 kidneys on the way in the mail getting sent to a friend's house. You know how much that's worth on the market? You think because you don't know how entrepreneurship works? Yeah. What's your major?

Communications? Yeah. Yeah. You ain't a business. You didn't get a business minor from Lone Star College like I did. You think they let stupid people into Sam Houston's Midland Branch? Listen, all right, look. Maybe, again, I don't mean to bloviate or to make you feel small.

It's just, you know, I've had quite a few years on this earth. I look good for my age, all right? I might be 492 pounds, and I might be bald, but I'm 33 years old. And so I got a little bit, I got a little bit of time on you. So, you understand markets are volatile, right?

Stocks are volatile. It's all fugazi. It ain't real. Cryptos and bitty coins, just as volatile. You know what has been the same cost for the last I don't know, five, six hundred years? A human lung.

A human lung has cost roughly about four grand on the market. And you're going to mock me and say I'm a bad person. No, I'm the stupid guy. Because I got a... You ain't ever watched Wolf of Wall Street.

You, see, see, you, I can tell you've been, you've been watching a lot of that six in the city and things like that. I bet you never watched the most important money making documentary since Wall Street. And,

uh, since Wall Street two, money never sleeps. Wolf of Wall Street. Uh, that's how I learned. That's how I made $11 off of day trading. Yeah.

The GameStop boom of February of 2021. Yeah. I'm tired of you telling me that 4X is the same thing as Mary Kay. It's not the same thing at all. Mary Kay did not get us rich. It got us a cool sticker for the UConn. This 4X. This is what's going to put our kids through college.

I know we don't have kids, but... I know you don't even want to... You don't even like me. But you... Listen, what, you sell Mary Kay? No. I know you do. What'd you get when you sold Mary Kay?

Did you get a Beach Bungalow timeshare? What'd you get, a pink Cadillac? I sold human lungs on Facebook marketplace, and I got five to ten. And that's the type of education that you don't get from, where'd you go, Harvard? That's nice. I bet you that's real nice. You went to Harvard Business School. Oh, you think you met a bunch of intellectuals down in San Marcos?

You think you went to the biggest state school in the state of Texas and you learned a thing or two? I went to jail for 25 years. I was trying to sell a child's kidney on Facebook marketplace. They told me I can't be doing nothing like that. At first, they just gave me a three-day ban. Then after that, it got a lot worse quick. Some of them guys on there, some of them guys are real observant. Hey, prostitute them

because, I mean, you know, hell, if they wouldn't have told me no, I'd keep doing it. It's a lot like posting memes. Posting memes. You know,

Travis, he used to post the funniest memes I've ever seen in my life. Funniest memes. He'd say, I swear to God, some of the funniest memes

I've ever seen in my whole life. There's one of them, they got a squirrel on there, and they had him riding on the back of a jet.

Where are you fucking going? I'm sitting here, I told you I'm the one with the fucking 40. You can't be going nowhere where I'm

talking about my memes and my child traffic and Facebook marketplace story. I told you about nine or eight, ten times, I've been coming

here 22 years, if I'm in the middle of the marketplace, if you give me, if you wait until my blood pressure puts me to sleep, you can get off scot-free. But if you try to leave in the middle of it, I'm going to pump ten holes and we talk about this. Sometimes it feels like you hate having somewhere to sleep. You ever think that? Sometimes it feels like you hate having one of the best friends you ever made in your whole goddamn life.

And sometimes I don't feel appreciated. So I'm going to pump two in your kneecaps just for mouthing off me. The bar's been empty. Yeah. Bar's been empty for like seven. It's Christmas Sunday. They haven't had a soul in there. I'm sure you can relate, but once you do that accent for, by the way, I'm looking at the clock, 20 minutes, it's hard to get out of it.

Yeah, no. It's good. It's sometimes, it's like, because you have your different voices for different settings. Yeah. Like, whenever I'm at work, like, I always slip into more of like a, sort of like, I guess, more country, but that's just cause I'm talking louder, you know? Yeah. Anytime I talk louder,

I get more like more of an accent and then I'll come home. And like the first thing I say to like my family or whatever, it's like, like sort of like louder than I normally talk and like way more country. And then I'll ease into my, you know, into talking like a black guy throughout the rest of the night, you know, like a Louisiana. Yeah. rest of the night. Like a Louisiana.

Yeah, yeah. So I normally talk. I would be working. I noticed this about myself. I'd be in a lunchroom and I'd be like, Goddamn taco man out here. He ain't worth a fuck.

And I'm like, I would in my head, I'd be like, dude, I did not talk like that. Like, boy, I tell you what, man. Like, I'll be at work I don't know especially at my old job where he was like all a bunch of old construction guys mostly or just I'd be like you know man I'll tell you what they ran over Sprank with skid steer man I told him I told him steer clear that driveway man and that had them

heads popping up over there he he backed on up over with. I told him to steer clear of that driveway, man. He had them heads popping up over there. He was backed on up over with the trailer. I told him. I told him he was back up on there. I told him. I said, no, don't do that to me out there. I told him. I said, no, don't do that.

I said, no, don't do that. I said, no, don't do that. He was back up over there. The guy you're talking to, he's like. They just keep going back over there. The guy you're talking to, he's like, uh-huh, oh, yeah. No, I know. I've been telling him. I've been telling him. I probably told him something like maybe like 1,400, 1,500 times.

I said, no, do not take that skid skier up on top the goddamn way. Because you run it down there, and they done dug a trench, you stupid cocksucker. They done dug a trench. You can't take a fucking skid skier over there. And you're like, yeah, I know. And I done dug a trench. It't take Puck's tits care over and you're like yeah I know and I don't it's not even that we're

gibberish it's not even that we're talking fast we're talking like cause I I'm speeding up to emphasize but I will literally say

like and I'm I'm I'm yeah and he's looking at me and he understands everything I'm saying

every goddamn and I'm saying. Every goddamn... And I'm... I beat the hell out of that man. This is what I'm... Skip out of there. Whole thing. I think I...

Maybe I talked about this in the first episode, but one of the QA guys was from Louisiana and he was like a... He was like a good old boy like you meet guys from louisiana they just sound like they're from texas and then you got motherfuckers out there from like the parish that are like yeah and he was a qa guy and so he would come over

and he did he checked wells but he was always in the area i was in that when i was like working on welding machines or like trying to fix generator or whatever and he would like one day i was in the way of uh this truck coming through but it wasn't that i meant to it's just that a welding machine that weighed a ton of fucking weight and i wasn't they weigh like half a ton i'm not gonna tow it with my body couldn't get a truck in there in time but it's in the middle of this fucking like drive area he's like he's got it down what are you fucking hand and I'm like what's up man he's like

I got a damn sit down I got about 145 foot of pot coming through this and I done

told you my son can sit down 2,000 times and come down and you got a damn taking your

sweet ass time yeah perfect and by the way this is a 22 year old white guy it is not who if you're listening to this and you're picturing it is not who you're picturing it is a 120 soaking wet five six white guy uh who you know a bunch of tribal tattoos on his hands yeah and he's like and i'm man, I don't know what you want me to move this 800 pound welding machine. I done told you once. I told you twice. As clear as a guy's day is greener and grass is green.

And Jesus coming. I told you, I said, if I got a truck coming and they got a shitload of popping them up, you going to move that machine or I'm gonna have to come and sit on a bit of doodle-a-doss-dell-bin. You hear me?

Yep. Yeah. 100%, boss. I got you. And I did understand fundamentally what he meant was that I needed to move it or I would get canned.

Yeah. No, I used to work with one guy who talked like that and was not from Louisiana or even East Texas. There was no logical explanation. He was from like Katy or something. Yeah.

No. I was like, hey, man, you're like Cajun or something. Because like my granddad's Cajun. So like I kind of, you know, it's like cool to, it's not that cool. But like I can usually. Meet somebody from the neighborhood. You know. Yeah.

Because my family's from like Beaumont. Yeah. So like, you know yeah he's my friend my family's from like Beaumont yeah so like you know East Texas losing I said like he was like no man like people always ask me stuff by like go down there on our little know the I I told on I am from now I know I just come from North Texas now. I'm like, I'm like, yeah, dude, I don't know what your deal is. Yeah. Because that's a... That is a local dialect. I'm like, dude,

you sound like Foghorn Leghorn. There's no way. Boomhauer, like, it's not... Yeah. You know,

there would be a guy, one of the welders who his machine always broke down. He, the first day I met him, the first day I fixed his machine he was like he could tell I guess I was like not like I was new or whatever and he was like

what did you do before this and I was like I worked at Facebook he was like yeah motherfucker we were just talking shit he was like you fucking greeners days long or whatever we were just talking shit, he was like, you fucking greeners, day is long, or whatever, he's just talking shit, and anyway, I fixed his machine up, and he was like, yeah, I just, you know, I learned to weld when I was in jail, and I was like, oh, that's cool, man, you know, that's dope, and he's like, yeah, you get pretty good at welding when you do 30 years, And I was like, oh, because he was in his 50s.

So if he went, he looked about late 40s or 50s. So if he went to jail 30 years ago, he probably went in at like 18 or 19. I was just guessing, you know? Yeah. And I didn't even ask. I did not even ask.

Because you don't, like, I was not, hey man, what'd you do to get 30 years? He's like, I was like, that's awesome, man awesome man you know you learn skills you know you make good money i know wellers make good money out here he's like fuck yeah he's like i already got me a kid on the way and uh you know pretty good life you know i thought i was gonna do i was supposed to do life. You know, you kill two men, Port of Houston. And I was like, dope. Cool. And then, but he, that's not even the most, the point of the story is him and that fucking Cajun ass motherfucker hated each other. Because that guy, although he was technically a supervisor, you were supposed to just pretend to understand what he was saying or try to decipher.

This guy would be like, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're saying to me white boy i don't know what you need to you need to slow her down and he'd be like i done told you twice i told you two ten more times you gotta when i come around here i'll make sure the whales are tight and if your whale don't look tighter than an alligator crick, crick neck, bottleneck, crick cane sugar. I'll take your ass up by down there. You'd be out of here faster and you'd say, what you doing? And he'd be like, dude, I need you to,

I'm going to stab the fuck out of you. He wouldn't even try. He was like, I get, he's like, however tough you think you are. There are people, this is one of the only industries that hires not only felons, but violent ones. Because you do learn to weld when you're in jail.

So, this is, you can take the hat, you can shove it up your fucking ass. Because, I've seen the light leave a man's eyes. And all you've done is like, eat chicken's feet.

Like, drink mud water for your first 10 years of life. No. I, uh, it's my first, uh, not my first real job, but my first, like, outdoors

job, I guess, was at this lumberyard. And, uh, there was this one guy there who I knew he had openly just gotten out of jail or whatever, but I didn't really think anything of it.

A lot of people go to jail. I didn't really care. But he would always brag about his exploits or whatever. This was a white guy. But he'd talk about being in a gang and stuff from time to time.

And I got to thinking about it. And this was like a country boy. Maybe he'd been in the city. But this was a country... this was a, this was a, this was a redneck man. And I didn't, you know, nowadays, if a white guy like that says he's in a gang, I know right off the bat that it was, but I was like six, I was 17. I was like, hmm. Yeah. And a couple of weeks in, I asked him, I was like, hey man, were was like hmm yeah and a couple weeks in i asked him i was like hey man were you like uh arion brotherhood by chance he was like oh yeah yeah yeah i am yeah i'm currently yeah

speak i was like i i take nextel cell phones into my butt cheeks and into TDC and me you know like I guess I was 18 because this was my senior year of high school I was probably like well actually I was probably like 190

but like very immature muscle you know like I mostly sat around. Yeah. I realized in that moment that there was nothing I could do. Some goddamn thing. No. There was nothing.

Because this man was, like, he was probably 5'8", but, like, 180. And, like, it, like, ripped. Farmer's carry type, like, construction ripped. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, always vascular probably cycled in prison sure and but it didn't have like huge shoulders or anything but i was like i told him i was like well uh can't say i uh you know agree too much with you know that whole thing

but no power to you brother yeah. Yeah, I didn't really. He was like, yeah, honestly, for me, like, I mostly just kind of hate everybody. And I was like, well, I'm not really going to, like, concede here and say, like, okay, well, now you're right for doing this. But I was like, well, you know, he's like, i was like i well you know he's like i'm not activated in it anymore really but if i tried to quit like they would all come here and like kill me rape me to death yeah man you know i don't yeah i've thought i've often thought because i watch a lot of like you watch like i watch documentaries and shit about like life in jail or whatever and it's like everyone you watch is kind of like

you have to get involved if you go to like a real like not county or whatever you gotta get involved with your race gang it's just the way that it is even if you don't like want to stab a guy

or like even if you don't want to seek hell and in my mind I'm like yeah I'd be the defiant one I don't want to stab a guy. Or even if you don't want to seek hell. And in my mind, I'm like, yeah, I'd be the defiant one. I don't need protection. Who's going to whoop my ass? But I keep watching these documentaries and there are guys much bigger and tougher than me who have done shit that I would never think of doing. That are like, yeah, you just got to kind of join up with the AB or they'll like fuck you and stuff. And like cut your fingers off gut you and shit and i'm like but i'm still because i've seen too many movies like i've

watched too many karate movies i'm like yeah no i wouldn't join in i would just spin kick the toughest guy there and i you know the guards would love me for it they probably buy me you know they probably let me out early because i beat the toughest guy in jail yeah yeah because i'm so politically pure and it's just it's fantasy it is brain rot hollywood fantasy that the moment i walked in there i wouldn't shave my head and be like yeah i'm down with it what are we doing we listening to fucking david allen co and we fucking uh what are y'all y'all confederacy boys i'm i would put the accent, I would put the,

the work accent on and be like, yep, yeah, I don't really, uh, particularly care for people who don't, you know, go to church and stuff like that.

Uh, and, uh, that don't like fuck their wise missionary. What y'all do for fun around here? Y'all be yelling at people? Y'all be, uh,

making razor blade knives and shit like that. I would try and convert to Islam so I could join the other side. I don't think it would work. No, I don't. I mean, I look racist now. Yeah. Not intentionally.

I'm glad you said it first, but. But like I, you know, I walk around just, you know, I wear work boots like to the store you know steel toes

yeah that's not one time you know it's just not how it goes slightly related a buddy of mine we were living together

a roommate of mine shout out to buddy Jay we were living together and he's really gonna to appreciate that. Yeah, he's not even listening to us. So anyway, he goes off one night to pick up his buddy from work.

He hasn't come back. We find out he left hot. I tried to take his keys from him, but he was adamant and throwing blind swings. He was all super, super barred out. So I said, I'm going to leave these keys on the floor. I'm going to go outside. And there's nothing I can do anymore. Because he was just being a fucking or out so i said i'm gonna leave these keys on the floor i'm gonna go outside and i there's nothing i can do anymore because he was he was just being a fucking owner i was fucked up too anyway he gets a dui okay and he goes to jail we go and bail him out we bring him back and he comes back in travis county jail slides now at the time i didn't own

a pair of slides. I would have to put my boots on to go to places that I wanted to fucking go to. I didn't own a pair of slides. I owned one pair of, like, boots that I wore to work and boots that I wore to, like, dinner. It was just one pair of boots. Anyway, I put these on one day

to go buy gas station wine and a pack of cigarettes. I didn't. I was not. They just were there. I was too lazy to put my fucking boots on. And I walk into the gas station and this dude next to me, big,

big black guy, he's buying, you know, himself some beers and some chips. He's like, you got the TCJs on. And I was like, the what? I forgot I even had them on. I just put them on. I didn't want to put my boots on.

He was like, the Travis County slippers. Travis County jail? He's like, those motherfuckers are comfortable. Now, I need to, they were made out of like recycled tire. They were incredibly painful to wear. They were not, he was like, probably out of not he was like probably out of

he was like what you think about him because i've been to harris county i've been jailed in el paso i was in jail in florida they didn't even give you slippers travis county them tcj's it's like walking on air ain't it and i'm like i have entered a situation, incidentally, that I am ignorant. I can't even pretend. But I'm already in it. So I was like, yeah, man, you know, these are probably the most comfortable jail slippers I've ever worn. He's like, that's what I'm talking about. All right, man, you have a good one.

But I just normally, you know, in any other situation where someone tries to ask you about something you don't know about, you're like, man, I don't know. You know, but it was clear that he saw me, saw the slippers, recognized them because it has like the slippers do on the top of the slides have like the you're not supposed to take them from the jail. I think he just walked out with him when we went to bail him out. No one gave a fuck. Or when his sister finally went and got him out after we went and visited him. But, um... No, yeah, I was wondering why they let you like, have them. I don't think he was

supposed to have them. But I do think it's funny that whoever I ran into at the gas station six weeks later, he had a pair and he took them home because he was like, yeah, you know, I still wear them. You know, that was part of the whole thing. And I was like, dude, I need you.

Okay. I don't know what would have happened if I would have said, yeah, these are my roommates. I've never been to Travis County jail. I've only been to jail one time and that was outside Galveston when I was a teenager and they didn't keep me. I didn't get a pair of slippers. I wouldn't even in there for that long. That was 11 years ago.

No, I had to be like, yep, yeah, yeah, no, man, these are, I used the comfiest pair of motherfuckers I've ever seen. Yeah, I brought banks, not a big deal. What'd you go in for? We positioned, yeah, I murdered about 14 guys. Yeah, you may know me as the BTK killer. You may know me as the Burger King strangler. You ever heard of

the Travis County slaughter? Well, you will someday. It's me. I've killed over... I ain't killed nobody yet, really. I'm thinking about it. I'm about to. I actually got these because I didn't pay tolls.

And they tossed me in... They tossed me in... Anyway, man, I gotta get up on out here before you decide that you're gonna kill me hard and painfully. I actually preach up at the county jail. They gave me these. I deliver sermons. I'm probably the nicest guy at Travis County. I...

It's funny because when he finally got back home, like, two days later, he was still out of it. We all got super fucked up that night. I don't know why he didn't just, like, pay for his friend to get an Uber. I don't know, man. It was six fucking years ago but anyway uh i was like you know hey man he was like so what had happened was we all showed up to bail him out thinking it was going to be like we were a bunch of stupid college kids we probably had 150 between the four of us. And when we got there, they were like, no,

this is a pretty, pretty well documented, proven DUI charges, not even obstruction of traffic. It's going to be about $2,500. And we were like, man, do y'all do like payment plans? Do y'all do like, because we only thought, I mean, I had no idea. At that point, like I said, I'd only gotten arrested like when I was in high school. And it was like, you know, I just got sent to jail for a few hours and sent home. But they were like, yeah, it's close to three grand to bail your friend out. And I was like, man, I don't even know what that means really like in terms of money yeah uh my rent's like three hundred dollars so can i like do a layaway program and get him out like can i like was that was that was that for a bond or was that the full bail no i think it

was his i think it was i don't honestly man I don't remember I think it was just his bail I think I think it was his his full bail because it was his first offense he didn't blow but they had him on field sobriety like literally nodding off

in the side of the car or some shit like they had him dead to rights and he got he didn't end up getting charged with the DWI he got a pretty good lawyer

that like got knocked down to obstruction of traffic I remember that part but um like it was still like way way out of our price yeah you know like it just got knocked down to obstruction of traffic. I remember that part, but like, it was still like way, way out of our price range. Yeah. You know, like,

it just was not, it wasn't happening. Yeah. That's what happened whenever I got, um, you know, whenever I did all that serial killing. When you did so much charity work that the police got mad at you for doing it.

Yeah. Good. This is a total change of pace, but I was thinking about that time. We'll roll with it. A buddy of mine who will go unnamed because I don't even think he wants this story told.

He decided to have his birthday at my house in Austin about six or seven years ago. And he's one of those guys, you know, doesn't show emotion. Kind of a tough guy. Or wants everyone to think he is, you know. And anyway, he gets drunk, real drunk. And he, like, pulls me aside to the side of the house, and he's like, ah, man, we're, like, doing key bumps, whatever, he's bullshit, and he's like, man, I gotta tell you something serious right now, something that's been weighing on my mind, and I'm like, ah, fuck, all right, man, uh, you know, I'm not used to this but, especially not from you, but let's hear it he's like, you know

remember that girl from our hometown that killed herself, shot herself in the stomach and she died I was like, oh yeah I think I saw it on Facebook, he's like well we used to fuck, and I burst out laughing

I thought he was like doing I thought he was being crude. And he just stares at me, daggers in his eyes. And he's like, I don't understand what you think is so funny right now. And I'm like, look, man, I don't know where the story is going, but you cannot do that. That is not, especially as drunk as I am right now. Anyway, he's like, all right, look, I'm just going to reset. We're going to reset. especially as drunk as I am right now anyway he's like all right look I'm just gonna reset we're gonna reset and I need you to be serious right now because you're a good friend of mine and I

have not told this to anybody how I'm feeling and I'm like okay all right I'm gonna reset I'm like biting the inside of my cheeks so they're raw and he's like so check this out man uh by the way this happened like 2015 and he was like know, the girl killed herself like two years before that. This was something that I had seen on Facebook and had forgotten about because I wasn't even close to this person. Anyway, he was like, so we used to fuck, man. And I fucked her probably like 25 times. And dude, again, I'm sitting there like you just now. I'm biting my lips so hard they're starting to bleed.

Because this is not a serious story. And he goes. Bro so I'm fucking her. And then like. It gets real. It gets too real for me at the time. I was only a sophomore and I ghost her. Do you think she killed herself?

Because we fucked. And I stopped talking to her. And I was like what by the way we graduated the same year there was like a two year gap between this girl's death and when this would have this fucking would have occurred it was the most like narcissist

I was like dude let me get this straight you think this girl who you didn't really know, y'all weren't dating, you dicked her down a bunch of times and then ghosted her. And then two and a half years later, she shoots herself. That's because of you? He's like, yeah, man, you don't know what people go through. And again, I have to keep a straight face when he's saying things like this to me.

I'm like, yeah, you know, yeah. And I'm like trying not to cry. I'm trying not to cry laughing. And he's like, listen, man, it's been hard on me because I keep thinking that if I would have been there for her, she wouldn't have fucking shot herself and died.

And I'm like, alright, let's just think about this rationally. Did she text you at all in the two-year window between when y'all, when you ghosted her supposedly and she died? No. Were y'all dating? No. Did you, like, meet her mom?

No. Okay, then you giving her what I'm assuming is, like, bad dick for, like, a month and a half. And then two years goes by, you don't hear a peep from her. And then she blows a hole through her chest with a Glock. I do not think you're a part of that. He's like, yeah, man, but you can't help but think, right?

And I'm like, you can because there is next to zero chance that it had anything to do with me he's like yeah but she really liked me and i'm like okay man uh so was she like upset when you bailed and he was like nah she didn't even really like text me or nothing. I don't want to talk to her anymore. And I was like, okay, so like, do you think that she was like only fucking you? And he was like, yeah, no, we weren't dating or nothing, but we were like exclusive. And I was like, yeah, for sure, man. So like, you know, what are we talking about now? You just answered your own question it's not but he was so it was one of those moments where it's like it's a rare moment where your buddy is talking to you about

something in his mind that's so serious and you know in yours that it's not it's just either like delusions of grandeur or like they're so fucked up that they're just on another wavelength that you are not on but i had to at the end be like, you know what, man? Probably wasn't something to do with you, but I'm glad you told me. I'm glad you got it off your chest, brother. I'm glad we had this talk, man. Because it would have eaten away at you. The hunger of not knowing is worse than the hunger of knowledge.

You know what it is, brother? hunger of not knowing is worse than the hunger of knowledge you know what it is brother and uh and so i'm glad that you spat into my ear canal for about 25 minutes outside my own house telling me the secret that you would never tell another person i'm glad you ruined the next hour yeah by the way I didn't even think we were close enough to even talk to each other like this but I guess we are now so by the way I kill people

and you're now a part of that that's something I should have I should have been just... I should have turned it on him in hindsight. Chance to be funny. You give it up. I'm kind of getting to that point with, I guess, deaths in general. That sounds really bitter.

But if someone famous dies, it doesn't um it doesn't mean as much to me as it used to i guess not sure callous but like i guess whenever i was like 16 or whatever if like a rapper i liked died it would like ruin my my whole week yeah like and now i'm like dude like like people i'm you know friends with or whatever it's like and not to make fun of them but it's like dude did you hear like little peep's cousin like died in a car wreck and i'm like car wreck and I'm like I mean I'm not happy about it you know but that just doesn't

I mean people die every day you know I just can't devote too much of my time to that the last celebrity death I cared about was Philip Seymour Hoffman and cause that was just I don't know I really like his movies I think he's like Yeah. The last celebrity death I cared about was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Because that was just, I don't know, I really like his movies.

I think he's like a real... But there are people in my life, like when Kobe died, I had friends of mine. I don't watch basketball. I really don't give a fuck. I've never given a fuck about really team sports in general, like watching them. And people are like, Kobe's dead. I don't even know what the fuck to do right now. And I'm like, I guess like walk around? I don't even know what the fuck to do right now and i'm like i guess like walk around i don't know like it's not no it was it was weird for me when kobe died but like

he died tragically i mean and his little kid died i'm sure it's tragic but it's like yeah well but i'll say it was like it was definitely like a cultural thing when that happened. I'd say the last... Whenever... This might sound lame, but whenever Mac Miller died, that was actually like... That was a tough one, yeah. Yeah, that was a tough one. Who else? Robin Williams, I'd say.

I don't really... I mean, I just... I was upset when Prince died I love Prince Prince I I never like I just never really got too into him

like I wasn't like yes Prince is dead but it just it didn't hit me you didn't care like it hits you or it doesn't yeah

yeah yeah I'm never like happy when most people die. Celebrities die. You're like, God, I hated that movie. Finally, Larry King kicked the can. Yeah, fuck you, you dumb idiot. But he was, like, 90. He didn't.

I mean, it happens. Yeah, no, I... I think the Mac Miller thing, I was, like, a Mac Miller... I was a fan of Mac Miller the way, like, college white guys who smoke weed and do drugs are fans of Mac Miller. I was like, yeah, this type of hip hop is like jazzy thing. I like this, you know. And then he dies. And then I'm not saying it was right, but there was like a.

The girl I was dating at the time or talking to was a big fan of Ariana Grande. And she was like, everyone's blaming her for his death. And they're saying that she should kill herself. And I was like, well, did she? What did... I did... And definitely was like wrong of me, I guess. This isn't even funny or interesting, but I was like, well, I mean, you know, she did break up with him.

So it's her fault. I didn't even believe that. I don't think... I think I was just kind of like, well, you know, I mean, sometimes she did break up with him so it's her fault i didn't even believe that yeah i don't think i think i was just kind of like well you know i mean sometimes you get broken up it happens yeah you do a bunch of heroin and coke you die you know sometimes guys die sometimes it's it's women's fault you know i'll say and i don't mean this in a in a in a in a in a or anything

anytime you know a man commits suicide it's ladies it's it's all your fault yeah

yeah I don't really understand why women can't just just be there for us you know yeah yeah it's

it's their duty to keep us from doing it a woman's job is to be is to keep me from killing myself. Yeah, I don't understand why it's so hard for people to grasp that. I think I woke people that are like, it's not a woman's job to be a man's growing period. But that's just not...

Think of the best men that have ever lived. The strongest men. People say it's abusive to threaten to try to kill yourself over women, but I think if you've already tried before... Then it's just round two. It's just being honest. I have a documented history of doing

this, and if I do it again, it's your fault. Yeah, I'm Buck Wild. I have poor judgment. I have impulse control problems. If you try to fuck the guy who can do a gainer off the diving board into the pool, I will open my wrists up. It won't even be an issue for me. It won't even be an issue for me. I won't be.

Because, see, I took you to homecoming, okay? And you let me finger you at the Lorax movie. finger you at the Lorax movie. And if you think for a goddamn second that you're going to go with the guy who is the JV quarterback in eighth grade and he's a real estate agent now, I will suck start a fucking 1911. Who do you think you are?

You think I'm even going to hesitate? You think I'm going to think of you? You think I'm even going to hesitate? You think I'm going to think you? You think I'm going to be efficiently executed? I don't pause for dramatic effect. I walk right off the balcony. I'll vault it like it's an Assassin's Creed. You ever seen a leap of faith?

I'll fucking do a goddamn header off a parking garage right on top of my own Honda Accord 2009. I'll do a goddamn header off parking garage right on top of my own Honda Accord 2009. I'll do a cannonball. I don't care how much hurts. Listen, you think you're special. This is the same guy from the beginning of the episode talking to the girl. You think you're special.

And you think that I won't write a letter before I smash my head into the wheat thresher at work where I'm a ranch hand? You think I won't just jump into it and not say it's your fault? You think I won't evoke your name? Oh, you're too good for me. I'm 5'4". I'm 498 pounds. I do wood chipper maintenance all the time. I know how to adjust the

little crank thing in there to where my torso fits in there no problem. Here's the thing about it. I work for a guy. He likes to cut corners. The newer machines, they won't eat up nothing that's got bone density. In fact, they'll shut off when they hit something.

Somehow, there's a laser in there. It tilters between a femur and a piece of pine. Yeah, we don't got nothing like that. So if you think you're just going to leave me on read and not respond to my Elon Musk screenshot meme of a screenshot, I will feet first in this motherfucker

and get eaten up. Get eaten up like Christmas ham. You think I don't deserve your attention at your wedding to another man? Listen, I know you're here at Applebee's. You're at your Applebee's honeymoon and you're celebrating with your

rig welder husband who probably makes $190K a year. And you're having a good time, but I'm talking to you now as a human to another human. If you think I won't go home and stick my hand in the garbage disposal

until I bleed the fuck out, you've got another thing coming. Fucking bitch. I'm sorry. I didn't mean nothing like that. Basically, what I'm saying is that it will be your fault

if I die. I'm just talking to you as a human being. I'm just trying to level with you. I will kill myself because of you. And let all your uncles know on Facebook Marketplace, I'll change the description of my dually to Lacey, this is all your fault. Lacey, yeah.

On that 2500 HD, I've got like 68 dudes watching it. I haven't made a payment on it in nine months. It's going to get repoed, so I'm going to try to sell it for cash even though I don't got the title. Who the fuck is going to check for a title on something like that? Here's what you say. It's a farm truck. It's a farm truck. You don't need

a dang title for a farm truck. Who the fuck? I mean, really. You think you can walk up in here in your pearl necklace and your $240 dress you got off a Pinterest link from some Chinese warehouse and you can drink Vegas bombs all night and not pay attention to me? Yeah, you think I didn't have to steal license plates to hear from Amarillo? It's a long drive. It's a 45-minute drive. It's a 45-minute drive.

You don't think I didn't... What? Your husband ever stole license plates? Has your husband ever slept inside a Bucky's bathroom because of wants, but not for anything even cool or violent, mostly just for like, you know, sexual misconduct,

things like that. You know, I wish I was older so I could have fought in Vietnam, but I can't. So I'm here fighting for you instead. I'm fighting for you. See, my dad was a Bray and my mom,

uh, she was, uh, a bipolar schizophrenic. And so they know about war, one with the mind, one with the enemy. And I couldn't go to war because they said I was too short and I was too fat.

And they wouldn't even let me push pencils or nothing. So I decided that I would go to war for you. And I decided that I ain't never seen nothing as beautiful as you right now in this Applebee's. And so if you deny me my victory

of the war I've been fighting for what, 14 days now? In a lot of ways, similar to the war on terrorism when you think about it. Yeah, it's the war on me not getting my bust on. Yeah.

It's the war on me... Yeah, this is it's not like the war on terrorism no it's like the war on on terrorism because you're not giving me a chance

not a good chance in life because you won't you won't give me you won't give me pussy why why because I because I work at GameStop?

Yeah. You think you're too good for a Hooters janitor? You mean You mean to tell me you think oh you think you're high and mighty

because you won't fuck you won mighty because you won't fuck? You won't even jack off the former junior varsity tight end 2002? Current Hooters janitor. You know my brother used to be the president of the FFA club. You're talking to me like this. Yeah. Back in 1997. My brother now, who's a doctor, we don't talk much because he don't really understand me fundamentally. We just went different paths. You know, I mean, he's got himself like a summer home, and they up in Denver, and they'll, you know they'll go down to San Fernando Valley.

It ain't that he's more successful than me or nothing. He's happier than me. I chose a different life. I'm kind of a fringe guy. When he was in medical school, I was trying to I was just trying to glory hole type stuff. You ever seen one of them?

I bet you there's one up here in Applebee's. I was trying to glory hole type stuff. I was just trying to do glory hole type stuff. You ever seen one of them? I bet you there's one up here in Applebee's. I was trying to do glory hole type stuff. I was trying to see how long I could be on fire for before it became something like debilitating. You know, you end up like one of them freaks you see on TV. Yeah, I was... Actually, I didn't invent Vaseline, but a lot of people think I reinvented it, you know, in a lot of ways.

No, you know, Scott had a different plan for me. He didn't want me to pay taxes over the last 11 years. Yeah. He didn't want me to see my kids. He didn't want me to know what my own feet look like. Yeah, yeah. You know, some men, they're born i mean you know i mean my brother he's born a doctor my now my cousin he's born i mean he's born on a ranger i mean his kids running

440 you know 12 13 years old no one knew what the fuck to do with him and his pa taught him be good shooting and he i mean decorated war hero he came home he got his phd he he he teaches at west point now and uh you know god's got plan for, you know, God's got a plan for everybody. You know, some men are doctors, some men are warriors, some men are part-time janitors at Hooters under 45, somewhere between Katy and Houston. And those men deserve pussy, too. So I don't understand why you think you get to talk to me like this

or don't get to acknowledge who I am just because I think the way I breathe loud and I eat kind of funny. People think that I'm stupid because I had a good job at O'Reilly's and I quit. But Tom Brady did the exact same thing. I don't normally give much

credit to Tom Brady because he's a yank, but Tom Brady understands something fundamentally, that if you kiss your son on the mouth, you deserve to get some pussy from the Applebee's bartender. And so if I had a son, I would kiss him. And I wouldn't be afraid of it either. I wouldn't be afraid of it either.

It wouldn't be a big deal. It wouldn't be. It wouldn't be something I think twice about. I wouldn't even ask him. I wouldn't. I will anyway I just anyway

this is the end of the podcast I'm doing so if you want to leave your number on the back of this here this here

receipt here it's got a lot of like stains on it that don't look too friendly but if you just want to leave your number back on here. I know I haven't given you a chance to buy a drink yet, but I'll cover it.

Yeah, I'll cover it. Whatever you paid for. I'll cover it. You just need to buy it, and then I will give you the money. I'll write you a money order within the next two weeks for it. Two to six weeks, but I do want to thank you for listening to Pendejo Time. Thank you once again. And this is the free one.

And baby, before you get up, before you leave here and call the police and I'm I'm thrown in the jail in the meat wagon.

I want you to go to patreon.com slash pendejotime and I want you to subscribe to the premiums because if you do, then I don't have to hang out around here

at Applebee's no more looking for married tale and sharing stories of my wild things of that nature. I could buy a jet ski. I could buy I could buy I could buy one of them heavy weighted socks for my foot because it stinks

bad. You could buy one of those new mobility scooters. It doesn't smell bad. Yeah. I got about 148,000 miles on this thing. Toyota 400. All right. All right. Thanks, guys.

Bye-bye.