Pendejo Time - Arlen, Germany

Episode Date: October 6, 2023

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Hello. Welcome to the show. Hello. Hi, Jake. How are you? Man, you know, it's been a wild ride today. That's great. Yeah, it's been a wild ride. I took my fiance's car to the shop, and then something really awesome happened. So I don't know if you know what

you know how much you know about cars but when uh when the engine light comes on in your car that means that the engine's running at optimal power and it's you you're due for a bonus uh speed adjustment but you have to take it in to the mechanic and then they make your cargo really fast and they do it for free. Actually, they pay you. So I'm really excited and looking forward to seeing how much money I'll be receiving from the transmission shop down the road from my apartment.

That sounds awesome. Yeah, I know. I'm trying to... Now you and your fiancé can be car matchers. Yeah, we can both not have one. Yeah, you can both stay at home and probably go on dates at your house. Yeah, honestly, I'm trying to think about this, like put a positive spin on this day that I've had, which has just been so awesome. Is that if neither of us have cars, then neither of us can go anywhere and ever do anything.

Or she can't get to her job, which is 30 minutes down the road you know and i can't go see my family and stuff and that's really good for for everybody's mental health is to not have a way to get to your job or to go see the people that matter to you it's good for a relationship too because it keeps the stress up and it makes sure yeah you know eventually you start turning against each other you know all the money that you've saved up, you just get to give it to a guy who has a go-back-to-your-country goatee, who keeps, like, staring at your girlfriend weird. But you can't say anything because he kind of has your car up on a big lift and, you know. Yeah.

But, hey, again, you know, today's been one of those days where, you know, you think everything's peaches and fucking heroin. And then you realize, you know, you're just not one of God's, like, wanted soldiers. Like, you keep trying to force your way up the ranks. Like, you know, the bloodline curse, you know, that my dad used to tell me about. Like, you can try to deny a prophecy but you know it's just gonna you're gonna get shoved back to i think calvin was on to something maybe he wasn't right about everything but you you can you can do as much as you want in this life you turn your life around you can you know really dedicate yourself to your hobbies and

your creative pursuits and you could maybe even start turning a little profit off of it. Maybe you could save your money like a good little boy. But, you know, you're not meant to do that stuff. You're meant to fucking eat cheeseburgers and barely have any money. You mean the Calvin from religion and not Calvin and Hobbes?

Right. Okay. It took me a little bit. I thought, all I know is him pissing on the bumper sticker of him pissing on the Taliban. Yeah, that was a – I'm mad that they made Calvin a naughty little boy like that. Because I know he gets up for some hijinks and capers in the comics, but he doesn't like angrily squint at you and then pull his penis out and start peeing on Joe Biden or Barack Obama or the LGBTQ flag. He doesn't do that type of stuff. Calvin likes to hang out with his little bird friend. And they just like to fucking sit under trees and wax poetic about what life's all about? They don't pull their little TTs out and go fucking piss on a silhouette of, you know,

yeah, Joe Biden or really anybody that is an enemy of the white race. Calvin. Oh, thank God. Yeah. What? Oh, um. Did you Google stuff again? Were you Googling? Yeah. No, Oh, um. Did you Google stuff again? Were you Googling?

Yeah, no, I was really worried. But thankfully there is not a sticker of Calvin peeing on black people. Do you think there's one of Calvin pissing on a swastika? Because if there isn't, then we know Calvin's. No, my favorite one I've seen is Calvin peeing on the word woke. Yeah, I think it's funny that Calvin became, by no, he didn't intend to, but Calvin kind of became like a staple

in the conservative community. You know what I mean? Like it's here. Yeah. There's one where he's peeing on the word Browns, and it means the Cleveland Browns. But if you don't know sports. And you're just kind of like a redneck guy.

Yeah. That's not good. Oh, man, there's another one where he's peeing on the word Redskins. Because it also means football. But, man. You can absolutely get a bumper sticker of Calvin pissing on a swastika. It's available. You can get get a bumper sticker of Calvin pissing on a swastika. It's available. You can get it right now.

That's pretty sick. I mean, you know what? Maybe he is on to something. Also, in some of these, I just realized this. I'm having like a Mandela, Mandala effect moment where I thought that you couldn't see his ass crack, but you can see his asses out. Like it's a part of it. I didn't know that.

I thought maybe it was just like he had pulled, you know how you can pull the penis over the button, but you don't pull your, that's what I thought he was doing. I like this one where he's peeing on the word cancer. Yeah. I don't like cancer either. This is a really good one.

Somebody photoshopped it to where Calvin has his pants out and his penis out and he's holding his penis and then somebody put a different Calvin right in front of him with his pants down so it looks like Calvin is trying to fuck a clone of himself in his ass. Which, you know...

Whatever. Peeing on the rainbow flag, peeing on... I was hoping I could find one of him peeing on the rainbow flag peeing on i was hoping i could find one of him peeing on the word pedophiles but i googled calvin peeing on pedophiles and then i realized it doesn't sound like a good thing to google but i'd already done it now you guys know the context of that and can that'll hold up in court um yeah for sure i mean i don't you know here's the thing a lot of this stuff is is just straight up bigotry and i don't fucking like that i'm taking a hard stance against bigotry in 2024 i'm i'm gonna wait till 2024 starts but i am i will be taking a hard stance against all bigotry and hatred

starting january i don't support it or condone it now i don't want anybody to get the wrong but I will be taking a hard stance against all bigotry and hatred starting January. I don't support it or condone it now. I don't want anybody to get the wrong idea, but I'm not quite ready to make a hard stance because I don't have the money right now, and I'm not doing good mentally. But I will be taking a hard stance against all forms of hatred starting January 2024. Yeah, I found one.

It's Girl Calvin peeing, sitting down on Obamacare. Ooh, okay. So gender, that's great that they're doing that. Honestly, I was worried about Calvin, but I'm glad that that community

can find the time to equality. There's another one. It's Bugs Bunny paying on Obama. That doesn't really make sense. You know what's crazy? Those guys really didn't like Obama. But I don't know why.

I don't know what their beef is with them. It's because they care so much about healthcare. Yeah, that's honestly what I was thinking. They cared about healthcare. We're all white guys much about healthcare. Yeah, that's honestly what I was thinking. They cared about healthcare. Rural white guys hate healthcare. They see healthcare and they just get pissed off. Yeah, rural white guys despise the idea of him wearing a tan suit. They just can't handle it.

They say, oh my god, decorum much? Civility, norms, and traditions much? And that's why they have Calvin. What if there's one of him just peeing on a regular girl? Calvin. What if there's one? You know what would be funny? I don't like this.

Calvin pissing in a toilet would be funny? I don't like this. Calvin pissing in a toilet would be funny because it's just where you're supposed to pee. They have it. That's pretty awesome. I want to make the world right. And so just Calvin peeing in a toilet where you're supposed to piss is ideal. That's good. Yeah, now if I was going to make a bestseller on Facebook, I would probably do it on

Ukraine. You have to be careful, though. Kevin Ping on Ukraine and Russia at the same time. Twin Stream. Oh, like down the middle. Yeah.

Like he just jacked off earlier. And then to make the twin stream plausible, his penis would be hard. Yeah, it'd be like semi. Yeah. He just busted maybe like two minutes ago. Yeah. You can see it. And he'd have both hands on it.

It'd be really big. Yeah, he just came out. And it would have hair on it because you know because he has hit puberty enough to masturbate yeah so it's not weird right right you're not looking at a right and he would have like a he would have like a five o'clock shadows just to make sure that everybody knew he was in his like early 20s he was at an age where it was no longer questionable he was at an age where it was no longer questionable right maybe like a tattoo or something and then the tattoo would be on his crotch so you're pitching a bumper sticker of an unrecognizable grown man peeing directly after uh ejaculating and he has five o'clock shadow

and a tattoo you can't tell that he's calvin other than the fact that you know that he's calvin he has on a striped shirt just an okay so an unspecified pants sagging mid to late 20s uh guy with five o'clock shadow a semi-hard penis and a bifurcated urine stream yeah and he's peeing on on russia and ukraine at the same time at the same time okay and then there's a third stream that goes to Congress. And then Congress is peeing on Russia and Ukraine. It's sort of a circle jerk thing but with peeing. Like a piss kink type deal? I found one and it's Ron Paul peeing on Trump.

Man, that's a throwback. I love when libertarian guys are like never Trump dudes. That's a nice thing. Oh, my favorite one I've seen so far.

This is on a gas tank lid or whatever. It's Calvin peeing on the word unleaded. Oh, there are people who want leaded gasoline back? I didn't even know that was a cultural grievance. I guess.

That's pretty sick. I didn't anticipate that that would... There was a gas station in my hometown that sold leaded gas until like 2012 or so. It was like they had a big banner they were like we still or no they were like we are still ethanol free or something maybe that maybe it was still unleaded gas but it was like they they didn't put ethanol in their gas i don't know how i guess it's just

whoever they got it delivered by but yeah it's's kind of bizarre that up until I think right before I was born, there was just lead fumes everywhere, like all the time. There's a question as to why there's a rise in psychosis-related mental disorders in older people. It's like, well, that fucking lead's coming home to roost, baby. Just big fucking black spots on the end, on the top side of your noggin while you're trying to log into your computer to get into Christian, Christian bikers for Trump,

Facebook. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, I don't fucking know what I'm saying, dude. I'm like,

I'm, I, you know what? I was looking at like cars to buy because I have to buy a new one more than likely. And what the cool thing is, oh, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't specify this. The cool thing about where I'm at financially is I still owe eight grand on the car. So that just like gets to roll over to like a new car loan and I have to pay even more. So I have to grind even harder, which is the exact same that happened. same thing that happened to me last time and why I got stuck with this car.

It's sick, dude. I fucking love making decisions out of necessity when you're poor. And then, you know, just kind of being fucked. Yeah. And when people come up to you and they're like, dude, you should have done something different in your life. And you're like, you want you should have done something different in your life. And you're like, you want to pull their teeth out and shit. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I know what you mean, Jake. And that sounds really sad. Dude, this podcast isn't just jokes. This is for me to fucking air my credence to. You don't have no money. You don't have no money. And you don't have no car. So he can't go to work.

And he can't get no job. He don't got no money. He don't got no money. He don't got no car. No. He don't got no money. And he got no car. Thank you, man. That's a really good song.

His car broke down. Transmission issues. car broke down transmission issues and that's why his money he has to use so he ain't got no car no no he can only walk so far. Let's go. Yeah, there we go. Okay. That's my song. It's called Jake's Shitty Car Broke Down and Now He Doesn't Have a Car. He's fucked.

He's fucked. This is called my close friend and business partner Jake has no car and he's fucked and he's really angry. He's having a really bad day and we're doing the show and he's fucked, dude. There's not a lot we can do. There's no good way out of this situation. The song is called Jake is Helpless. The song is called Jake's Got a Bad Credit Score and

Now Money to Put Down on a Car. He's got a 531. It's better than that. It's better than that. Oh, dude dude another cool thing happened like a week ago i got my credit score up to like a 640 i think uh and then some medical debt hit my shit right down to a 602 just dropped 38 points perfect timing too like it couldn't have been better because 640 is like where you get into the fair credit rating you know for like car payments and shit.

So, honestly, man, just a lot of life-building, like, circumstances. Yeah. Sounds like you've been, like, almost, like, worried about shit. Like, borderline. Sounds like the last 18 months of your life have been really bad. Yeah, like, honestly, like, I feel like in some ways, like, you're almost stressed. line sounds like the last 18 months of your life have been really yeah like honestly like i feel like i feel like in some ways like you're almost stressed but i think what you should do is like smoke like half a pound of weed and like yeah and and drink like a lot take a bunch of adderall and

like do a bunch of shrooms and like start getting back into like drugs you used to do that you don't even know like how to find anymore start like trying to buy guns and shit and like calling up people you used to know threat threat old crowd threatening old bosses yeah you know like calling your mom names on facebook and stuff like because you're blacked out or whatever waking up and you got animal control at your house because you've been selling parrots and shit i think i think if you could like just you know get it get away from it all for a little bit like that yeah i could give myself like force another redemption arc you know, get, get away from it all for a little bit like that. Yeah. I could give myself like force another redemption arc, you know,

like make my life get really fat. Yeah. Um, get super fat again. Piss everybody off. Have to move back home. My mom, um,

live in her fucking, her apartment with, uh, well, I guess my grandma can't be there. She's dead. Uh, so I guess,

yeah, she passed away. Yeah. She's dead. So I guess, yeah, I just beat him up. Yeah, she passed away. And then, yeah, I didn't lose the weight again, and maybe something good will start happening. Maybe my dad will come back to life, and my car will fix. You know, maybe that's how it works. I'll lose another 60 pounds, another 80 pounds,

so if I can get down to 100 pounds, my transmission will be fixed, and my dad will come back to life. And I'll get $100,000. It doubles every time. So you got to get down to 40 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to get down to 40 pounds and you have to lose another $16,000 or so. Yeah, yeah.

I lose another 80 pounds and then a genie comes. It's like, all right. Every 80 pounds you you lose you can make your life demonstrably better uh for a year and then that's about all i'm going to give you well um can i like can i have some bone density i like i need uh can i have like something you know like well you know transmission issues, well, you know, transmission issues. You're withering away and dying. I don't even know if I could. Yeah, probably.

You know what? Anything's possible. Anything's possible. Today I had like a meat tray for lunch. Like I tried to make a cheese board, but it was just like, I don't know. I was like, I want to make myself a charcuterie board, but I just like i don't know i was like i want to make myself a charcuterie board but i just like tore off chunks of cheese and threw it on a plate with like some pepperoni and like cherry tomatoes and i was like it looks like lunch to me um well and then now i like like when you get when you get to a point in your life where you like don't want to you don't want to do

a frozen pizza you're like that's too much you're like yeah i just don't it to do a frozen pizza. You're like, that's too much. You're like, yeah, I just don't. It's called being a winner, but it's like, yeah, I don't think I have that in me right now to make that happen, to turn the knob on and to put the thing in there. Yeah, that's tough. Suck it in the trash. I didn't even want any. Did you really have steak? I had that. No, I had leftover soup, and then we made some of the mini beef tacos from Trader Joe's.

Of course. Of course. Yeah, it's a little snack. And then I finished. Dude, I ate a fucking kilo of dates in like three days. Oh, I thought you were going to say in a sitting. That's pretty impressive, man. No, I mean, in a sitting, I think my most has been like a pound and a half or so.

But yeah, I can't do that anymore. a pound and a half or so, but that, yeah, I can't do that anymore. A pound of candied fruit. Well, when I do that, I can't sleep. I wasn't sleeping well for like months. And then eventually I put it together that I was basically eating like a bag of candy and then trying to go to sleep.

And then I'd be like up all night, like tossing and turning. I'd be like, man, I got anxiety. And then it turned out, well, I did, but it was because I was eating Mesopotamian treats right before I was trying to get some shut-eye. So I've had to dial back my shoot my late night sugar consumption because i found often it leads to horrible vivid dreams of massacres and such and i hate that i hate eating a bunch of skittles and i see my family die in my dreams you know i don't like i don't

like that i like i thought you i i heard you wrong at first so So you were like, yeah, I haven't been sleeping. I've been eating a lot of dates. And so I thought you were trying to – like it was like a taxi driver situation where you're having a rough go of it and you're up late at night driving around town just eating dried fruit, doing monologues in your head. Like when you said, oh, I can't sleep, bro. I've just been eating so many medjool dates.ool dates i was like oh are you just like staying up late

like because you can't sleep and you're eating candy but i didn't know the candy was causing no the candy's causing it i go to bed at a normal time but i that was that was last year that i was really having uh date related issues um same with pistachios i had to cut those out because i was eating like i did the math and i was eating half a pound of pistachios every day but i didn't think about it because i get the big bulk bags right right right but i just started kind of weighing them just to see like okay what am i eating day? And then I stopped having kidney stones all the time whenever I stopped doing that. Dude, your pissing blood era was so awesome because you were like, yeah, I don't have kidney stones.

It's my climbing harness. And I was like, oh, okay, cool. And then you were like, you were texting me. I'm paraphrasing, but you were like, yeah, I haven't been really wearing a climbing harness, still pissing blood. And it was kidney stones the whole time. i think the climbing heart has made it worse for sure but um i haven't i've had i think i've had kidney stones since but i haven't pissed just blood since yeah you had them for like a year well Didn't you? It was like eight months.

Yeah. Well, the thing was they told me that I just had them. Like it's just something I had. Yeah, you have calcium. Well, they were just saying that they were like, I said it feels like normal to pee. And they said, no, it shouldn't. It's not what peeing is supposed to feel like. It's not supposed to hurt or anything like that.

And I said, it doesn't. Well, it does. I mean, I was trying to like, I wasn't even trying to downplay it, but I was like, sometimes I notice like I'll have tears in my eyes when I pee, but I don't like, it doesn't like hurt, I was like, sometimes I notice I'll have tears in my eyes when I pee, but it doesn't hurt. You know what I mean? It just is what it is. It gets out of me, and I just have to shake it a lot,

and then it's over. Then I wipe my face off, and I go back to work. It's what it is. Me and you both are like, I don't know if it's the way we were raised, because my dad was like that. Or my dad would be like, yeah, I got a fucking hole in my tooth, man. You know, it is what it is. And I'm like, oh, like, does it hurt to eat?

He's like, oh, oh, I mean, it's, you know, it's unbearable. But, you know, I mean, what am I going to do, go to the doctor? You know, maybe I get it from him. it's unbearable but you know i mean what am i gonna do go to the doctor you know say like i maybe i get it from him because like i talked about on here but like same as the kidney stone thing like going to the doctor at like 19 and like yeah you know like when you eat and you immediately have to like you immediately have diarrhea and you have to like run to the bathroom and doctor's like nope it's not uh it's not how life is man and i was like oh no no yeah you eat like a salad or something or a cheeseburger doesn't matter and you almost shit your pants

on the way home all right no like oh okay i have a problem but like my desire to fix it isn't you know what i mean like you're like okay it's like it's thing. Great example. I treat my body like it's like I just don't have the cap, the liquid money to kind of optimize the machine. Like I was going to the gym every day up until like two months ago, and I said, you know what's way better? You know what's way better than like eating and working out and running and lifting? Doing nothing. Staying sedentary for like 20 hours a day and like not eating and only eating. Dude, you said your date thing? You know what I've been on?

The fucking dried mango with the chamoy and the tahini on it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, get out of here. That shit's so fucking good. I ate a whole bag of it in the car like maybe a week ago. I was like, dude, they got it. It had it at the gas station like up in the front where you can get the beer salt.

Yeah. week ago i was like dude oh they got it headed the gas station like up in the front where you can get the beer salt yeah and uh and it was in like a like half pound bags got a got a bag and uh you know was like all right i'm gonna have one of these and then i'll just keep it in the pantry if i want like because i don't really fuck with candy dude i ate that whole motherfucker in the three minutes it took me that gas station right by the apartment yeah we get beer and shit three minutes done gone i didn't even mean to i just ate a half pound of fucking candy well in my mind i'm a fucking idiot so i was like oh it's mango i'm eating fruit but it's like it's dried and then like coated in fucking corn syrup and then like sprinkled with chamoy it's not it's not even fruit god does not not recognize it as a snack that's healthy. It's not the thing anymore.

It's a bastardization. It's okay. I like the plantain chips that have Trader Joe's, but I like the sweet ones. I don't like the salty. I'm not a banana guy. I like them in smoothies. No, I mean they're like potato chips, kind of.

Oh, are they salty? Yeah. They're, like, dried, but they have, like, similar potato chips. Oh, like a texture? Yeah. I just can't do... I like bananas in smoothies, but I fucking hate, like, eating a banana. It's nasty.

For me, it's... Yeah, because you've got to, like gotta take the whole thing down in one bite yeah and then like a lot of people want you to peel it and they look at you weird if you aren't peeling it dude you can't you can't do anything you can't do anything as a man you just you gotta fucking what snacks can a man safely eat pretzels i feel like that i feel like this is somebody's bit i feel like it's i just i had this thought in my head and i was like this is this is like a 2006 era bill burr bit i don't know if it's him but i'm like you know like trying to think of like in his voice like what kind of

snacks can we eat what kind of snacks can guys it's crazy my wife like i'm like no that's a bill burr bit so maybe i won't go down that one Yeah, pretzels are fine, I guess Fuck, what's Bill gonna say? Yeah, I stole your joke, you fucking No grapes No grapes, can't do grapes I mean, you know what, you can do one grape At a time, but you can't pop it in

Like sensually, you can't be like You can't suck it off the vine, that's for sure The only way That a man can eat like spherical fruit is you gotta throw it up in the air and catch it you gotta do something cool you know what i mean like you know how guys that uh do like skittles and peanuts to like shake them like a wise like bus stop black guy like i'm put you on game you on blood you gotta jack off in the morning so you can do your task like that's the way that you'd eat like a grape maybe i don't know you might be onto something maybe no great i feel like if you eat a grape you have to eat it like uh like like you're smoking a cigarette almost you just sort of pop it in there get the job done don't make it too

flashy because otherwise it's like you're playing with balls. Right, right, right. If you do it off the vine, you're sucking balls. With a mango, you can only eat the outside part. You can't suck on the pit at all. No. Here's the thing about a mango is it's a very moist fruit too, and you can't have shit dribbling down your chin.

No. That's an absolute no-go. You've got to do it the way that uh the south americans do it where they get that curved knife and that that's that's the man's way of eating for if you're gonna eat a hand fruit like an apple or a fucking yeah like a mango you got to get the big like the little sorry the little hooked and you cut them and you take the slices and again you have to be giving sage wisdom while you're doing this you can't just be willy-nilly eating a mango and getting the juice on your chin it's just not a not a thing even like even if you eat like an apple

if you take too big of a bite it's like damn boy was hungry yeah yeah gay or fat big ass bite that boy he wasn't playing about that apple yeah you can't can't be doing that I feel like you can get now here's the thing a normal sized orange great but the little ones they're called cuties and a man can't be eating anything you gotta pop the whole thing

in your mouth like the peel and all. Hey guys, what's up? You got no time to mess around with those. Yeah. Yeah. I got you.

Yeah. Dude, just imagine like hanging out with your boys and then one of them pulls out like a, like a cutie. Let's like this big. It just, the whole thing.

He's got a pineapple when he doesn't want to look gay. So he's just eating the leaves. Yeah. He's eating the spikes. Yeah. Pineapple's dangerous because... The dribble thing you mentioned. The dribble thing... Watermelon's a tough one.

You've got to have a fork with watermelon. You can't be... You can't be slopping on it. Yeah, you got... I was going to say the way you get out of... You can eat a pineapple if you say it's for your cum. No, dude. That's gay.

You think that's gay? Mine would probably burn a hole through a floor. I'm not saying I actually care, but I'm saying... It's gay to care. Because once it's out of you, it's not your problem anymore. It's gay to care about your cleanliness. it's gay to even wash your penis yeah yeah very good point it's supposed to look like a turd

no matter what skin color you are yeah it's supposed to look like poop okay fair yeah all right yeah pineapples a no-go. Watermelon, here's the thing. Fork and knife, but then it's like, oh, you're not manly enough to eat it with your hands. Watermelon's a fine line. Because if I see you eating pizza with a fork and knife. Yeah, but you don't want to get sticky. Well, here's my thing. You know, have you ever seen somebody eat pizza with a fork and knife?

It's the most feminine thing you can do. When I see a man eating a pizza with a fork and knife, it's game over. Come on, dude. What are you going to do next? Are you going to go to the store and buy a tampon for your butt? Get out of here. You fold it like a taco and you eat it like a goddamn man, like a red-blooded American.

So watermelon, you got to – let me think about this. You can triangulate the slice of watermelon, and you can – again, a lot of this – a lot of the loopholes come down to like talking while you're doing it. You can't be too invested and interested in the fruit. You can't be like just eating, nodding your head. You got to be like, listen, the NASDAQ, that's how we get generational wealth. This watermelon is great, by the way. Thank you for having me at this party. That's the way.

Yeah, coconut, you got to eat it like an apple. It's the rind? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You got to break all your teeth off. I thought I was allergic to coconut as a kid because I tried to eat the shell. And I threw up because I ate coconut shell. And then nobody fucking explained to me that you aren't supposed to eat the shell. And I threw up because I ate coconut shell. And then nobody fucking explained to me

that you aren't supposed to eat the fur and everything. It's amazing that me and you made it out of childhood. My mom brought home a coconut and then she gave me part of the shell and I threw up. Okay, it's your mom's fault. I threw up and she said, oh, you must be allergic.

I was like, oh no. I wonder if after six kids, your mom's like, oh, you must be allergic. I was like, oh, no. After six kids, your mom's like, yeah, fuck it. Well, she was just giving out pieces of pineapple to everybody. I think she just didn't see that mine was not a good piece. Mine was just a horrible piece of coconut. A hard no-no fruit when you want to talk nuts, kiwi. You got to be very careful. Dude, have you had the golden kiwis?

I have. Dude, my gums burn just thinking about them. They're fucking... The kiwi is another one where I'm like... I slice them real thin. Yeah, that's nice. It's healthy to eat like 22 kiwis. It's one of those it's it's healthy to eat like 22 kiwi like it's one of those fruits where it's a fruit so if i eat 15 of them it's fine it's fucking yeah you got vitamin c for a month

yeah um yeah kiwi gay banana gay gotta be careful watermelon gotta be careful pineapple mangoes out pear is the same as an apple what pear is the same as an apple. What? Pear is the same as an apple. To me, a pear is a categorically gay fruit. Like, it's just, it's not... Pear is hard. Huh? Pear is hard. It's a winter fruit. You gotta earn a pear. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's grainy. Yeah. People eat pears to survive. No, you know what I'm thinking of? Peach. Peach is just a gay fruit. I got it mixed up. Peach, you know what I'm thinking of? Peach. Peach is just a gay fruit. I got it mixed up. Peach, you can't be... You can be a southern gentleman and you can enjoy one peach per year, but you have to be talking legal stuff while you do it.

You got to slice up your peach, maybe put a little sugar and lemon juice on it. How is that not gay, though? Because it tastes good. Because you're a slave owner and you offset the gayness i'm not a slave owner i'm saying that i enjoy peach like that from time to time perhaps i'm just saying that if you're drawing the line i grew up in the peach capital of texas i'll have you know. Peachburg? No, Weatherford has a peach festival every year.

I thought Fredericksburg was a peach. Maybe they are, but Weatherford still has a peach festival. Strawberries are a no-go. What else do we got here? What other type of fruit are there? Any type of berry. What are you, fucking two? Any type of fucking raspberry, blackberry, blueberry? I forgot we were looking up pictures of Calvin pissing on shit.

Calvin pissing. Yeah, Peach Capital of Texas, Weatherford. Nice. Yeah, motherfucker. You stupid fucking piece of shit. It's not the capital of the U.S., though. Johnston, South Carolina. I thought that was like the...

She got a Georgia peach in her rear end like a license plate. I thought that was a Georgia thing. Georgia is the peach state. Johnson is the peach town. Oh, okay. Johnson itself does it. I think they might have called themselves that. There's like 2,300 people in Johnson in South Carolina.

I think they just needed a claim to fame. And the rest of the towns in the United States were like, fuck, you guys got nothing going on. Let's look at here. Baltimore City, town with most opiate deaths. That's what I was, yeah, the opiate, like having a pill on the license plate like a peach does with Georgia. Dude, how many people OD in fucking Baltimore?

That's nuts. That's crazy. Jeez Louise. Cordell, Georgia is the watermelon capital of the world. Let's see here. What about... Let's see, Apple. Did you learn the story of Johnny Appleseed is a true thing?

Like, not folklore? It was taught to us as if it was real. I was taught that it was loosely based on a true story, but that it was basically not true. Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess it was kind of true. Oh, okay. Us, it was... Yeah, I guess it was kind of the same for us. It was like, yeah, this is how we have apples. Don't ask too many questions or whatever.

It was just like a nice story or whatever. I thought... I... Are you... Were you talking about selling a CR- crv how do you sell a car that you are like paying on how does that work oh uh basically it's easier to do it to a dealership or whatever so so your bank Bank, so whoever's buying it basically. Right, right, right.

Gives you the money. You give it to the bank. Bank gives the title to you, and then the title goes to whoever bought the car. So it's a little bit longer of a transaction which is why a lot of times if you're going through carmax or someplace like that it's easier to do it there because if it's a person it's an individual you're selling to you know like if i'm buying a car and it's going to be like six weeks or whatever till i can have a title in my name that's a definite downer but um yeah basically the title has to get switched from the bank's name to your name to the buyer's name.

I knew that. So it has to go back and forth from Austin a couple times, I think. Yeah, I think the frustrating thing for me right now, and this is what I was texting you, is that I was like, okay, how can I not lose money on the trade-in? And so I was like, oh, I went on to some of these, like, I was like, okay, how can I not lose money on the trade-in? And so I was like, oh. I went on to some of these, like, I was Googling. Googling, I guess, something that's illegal. Anyway, you can buy the ODB or OBD, whatever the fuck those readers.

You can get them. You can turn your check engine light off and just trade the car in. And I was like, I mean, maybe. You know, I'm not above it. Once something leaves my hand it's no longer my problem um but dude uh it goes without saying like a new car just like a new basic model with no bells and whistles it's like 30 grand 25 yeah if you get like a new honda civic it's like 23 grand or something it's it's insane that's like the cheapest one. Yeah, cheap fucking – yeah, like nothing. Like it's nuts.

So the thing I'm looking at is that I'm $8,000 upside down on my car. So if I trade it in and they eat that loan, I'm going to end up paying like $30,000, which is what happened with the Nissan. That's why my payments were so high. I didn't have money down. Which is what happened with the Nissan. That's why my payments were so high. I didn't have money down. The problem is I have money down now,

but the money that I would put down on the car would just get eaten up by the money that I owe on the fucking Nissan. So it would just be like I'm breaking. It wouldn't matter. Like it, you know. So anyway, it fucking is what it is. Yeah, I would just put it off as long as you can. I considered that. I considered that.

The cool thing about transmission problems is it could last another 10,000 miles or the car could fucking explode tomorrow. Yeah. And honestly, that's life. You start to feel a little pain in your stomach And you're like I've been eating a lot of spicy fucking coins and shit lately Like a little fucking grublin

Yeah And then you know it gets worse and worse And then it turns out you got cancer You know that's just the way she goes Yeah I mean what can you do Do you think it's because i don't believe in god do i think i don't need to be yeah i think that's the only reason why i i mean i think you know all the people who become catholic in the last two years their lives are going great you know what i mean like all the people that converted the catholicism to

get pussy from a girl who works at a smoothie shop, they're doing solid. They're doing good. And I think I'm going to take a page out of their book. I'm going to become a right-wing Catholic. I was never even Catholic. I was Protestant, but I've seen the error of my ways. I want to hang out with a dude who's got a cool-ass hat.

They don't have cool hats in Protestantism. You were like really starched denim. So I'll do that, and then maybe my life will pick itself up. It'll start going good. Yeah, I believe in you. Thank you for saying that, man. It's not all bad. I just had my four-year anniversary, bro.

That's nice. Yeah, I made steaks last night that was nice new york strip um yum yum yum and uh she was pretty fucking tasty and now i'm doing my podcast with my friend thomas and this is this has been uh an exciting time in my life. Oh, no, I'm not going to talk about that. We'll talk about that later. I'm looking at pictures of Johnny Appleseed right now. That's awesome.

I wish I could show them to the people who listen to the show. Yeah, he looks kind of like an old man from ancient times. Ancient? Yeah, from ancient times. Did you just say ancient again? I thought we talked about this, bro. Yeah, and we agreed that's how it's pronounced. That's how you pronounce it, too.

Yo, check out this one. This kind of looks like if me and you morphed into one guy. Let me send you this, and you are going to love it. You're going to say, Jake. That is a handsome guy. Jake, that is handsome guy. Wow. Jake, wow. Jake, wow.

That's a boy. Oh my God. Yeah, he looks like Jack. Looks like me and you. Yeah. Very nice. Oh, my God. Have you heard the story of Chinese Johnny Appleseed,

who delivers tasty Chinese apples all throughout rural China? I must deliver this beautiful apple seed to the river Yangtze so we can have big, beautiful, happy apples all up and down China River. Oh, Grandma Ma is making big, juicy Chinese pie. She will leave it at windowsill for me to waft later inside both of my noses. I hope Chinese Fox does not come and steal from windowsill. You're like when China eventually takes over the United States

and they're teaching all the stories that you learn in elementary school about America, but it's just that. You're like doing the Johnny Appleseed thing in like third grade. And Johnny Appleseed took all foreign apples across land. And he sowed them making big, beautiful trees all up and down coast of southern China. And causing several type of apples, such as grainy apple seed and fujo apple and gala. Yummy. And. Red tasty.

Red tasting apple. Golden, golden, yumming apple. Golden, yumming China apple. Chinese apple of grace. And he ate big, delicious apple every day, roasted over fire for six hours. And took beautiful apple wife to be his kissing. Mrs. Appleseed, thank you for coming. Thank you for telling us the story of Johnny Appleseed. I think maybe there's some problems with the source code or something with this model.

So we need to get it updated, and we need to get a new Chinese AI robot in here because the kids need to learn about the actual story of Johnny Appleseed, not whatever this was. Oh, wow, that was a quick replacement. Thank you so much. Let's just get him booted up. Let me run command here, johnnyappleseed.exe. Okay, set voice to normal

the last one was very jarring okay and the origins of the apple orchards of america okay kids are you guys ready yeah okay here we go so let me tell y'all about this motherfucker who used to walk this land. His name was Johnny Appleseeds. And he was the biggest, tallest, most apple-eating motherfucker you would ever come across. Let me tell you something. Johnny Appleseeds was known for eating a whole big piece of apple in one bite. He lived in beautiful China with the rest of us and he would walk up and down the chinese ocean creating huge apples with the wave of one hand and this brought great

magnificence and beauty to wonderful powerful china and let me tell you, folks, he could create an apple tree in one bite of his hand. And his beautiful Chinese wife was known for being the most beautiful Chinese woman that those Chinese people had ever seen. And they called her Barbara. Chinese woman that those Chinese people had ever seen.

And they called her Barbara. Barbara Apple. Okay, alright. I feel like we're getting... Maybe it's because we're in a low-income school district. I just feel like I'm getting the bottom of the barrel on these robots. I really thought China taking over would be good.

But luckily enough, we've got them on warranty. So I want to... Okay, we didn't. So yeah, this one had a Cat Williams-style voice. Very similar to Thomas412, who ran this school for a long time. So I believe that maybe there's a mix-up here. Thomas412 was the superintendent. So maybe he may have sent some of his code to this one.

But anyway, third time's a charm. If I can get just one, we'll move on from Johnny Appleseed. Let's talk about, you know what? We're moving on to our World War II section, kids. So let's hear a brief history of World War ii from the third from the third chinese robot that we got from xi jinping our great leader all right let me run it world war ii okay voice normal voice not kat williams voice not chinese impression of american man voice not slavic let me see no swearing voice not retarded. Okay. All right.

Let me tell you something about a little place called the World War II. That was where I used to fight all of the Americans back when I was I fought with Germany we used to I still remember when we survived we barely survived excuse me sir did you say you fought for Germany I fought

in Germany yes we fought against the we fought against the Nazis. But you fought for Germany against Germany. It was for the rights of Germanies to be German. And we were fighting them for days and days.

And we fought against the Americans in Japan. I remember I remember I remember we fought in Italy against all the places

that Italy fought against. All those battles of Italy. I can remember all the wars that Italy did. Through fighting. With the man, the Battle of Florence.

The Battle of Rome. The Battle of Little Italy. The Battle of Pizza. The Great Pizza War. The Spaghetti War. The Ziti skirmish. Oh, I tell you. Oh, God.

We lost so many at the Battle of Breadsticks. Oh, Lord. The massacre at the Olive Garden was the end of the road from what was left of my sanity. Oh, God. And in Japan, we lost so many at the Tokyo Steakhouse. Okay. Well, it seems as though we've got... We've had overtly Chinese...

My best friend died at Nobu. All right. Adjusting settings. Okay. I want to send this one back. Adjusting settings. Changing voice. Okay.

There we go. We didn't have to fight for Germany in World War II, but we felt it necessary to support the Nazi regime in their war against what we believe to be aggression from the American imperial powers.

Now, Hank Hill, you told me you were with the Allies. Peggy, I done told you once, I'll tell you again. It's not that the South was fighting for slavery. They were fighting for states' rights. And Germany wasn't fighting for the extermination of the Jews. They were fighting for states' rights. And Germany wasn't fighting for the extermination of the Jews. They were fighting for a bigger Germany. But, Dad, you told me... But, Dad, you told me that you didn't work for the SS.

SS. You told me that you weren't in the SS, Dad. Just fucking Bobby Hill opening like a back hidden doorway in Hank's closet, and he just has a bunch of fucking Nazi memorabilia. Uncle Hank. Yes, Lorian? You told me you never fought in no war. Well, the things that I had to do are not things

that are appropriate for Thanksgiving talk okay I did fight in World War two I was three years old and after the war they sent a bunch they sent a bunch of Germans here to Arlen Texas to work I had so much experience in the gas industry there that they moved me to propane selling here. And the rest is Hank Hill history. The HH doesn't stand for Heil Hitler. It stands for Hank Hill. Okay, Hank. okay hank when i was a goddamn fucking uh stermen battling a pair of men not a long night man he'd fucking damn ernest rome was fucking having too much of a good time and you had to make him make him pay

for the purging political purges when they had to kill ernest that's right boom howard thank you why you have swastika tattoo why you have iron cross on arm bobby what's that what's his daughter's name he's got the crush on uh fuck um Bobby, what's his daughter's name he's got the crush on? Fuck. God, I can't think of his name. Can't remember. He's like, my dad came out of the shower, and I saw that he had a big eagle on his back tattoo

and two iron crosses on his shoulder blades. I think it means he likes motorcycles. I think it means he likes motorcycles. Hey, kid. I told you that when you were done doing your fucking bid at San Quentin, you had to get the swastikas and the clover leaves removed from your arm. They're not Nazi tattoos. I'm proud of my race.

I'm not a white supremacist. I'm proud of my race i'm not a white supremacist i'm proud of being white peggy and you should be too dude your your your luann was pretty good it was pretty it's it's very like uh she's very like she's pilled out. Uncle Hank. But there's like such a, whenever it goes up at all, she has such a rasp. Yeah, it is. It's very fried. Hank, I told you what would happen if you signed that pact with Joseph Stalin. He'd stab you in the fucking back, Hank. That's what you get for trusting them commies. You know what?

back hank that's what you get for trusting them commies you know what they should mike judge should hire us for the they're doing a king of the hill reboot they should hire us and it should just be about hank's secret secret love for the third reich and him trying to establish it in arlen texas the Third Reich and him trying to establish it in Arlen, Texas. Dale, I don't appreciate you saying hurtful things about the Fuhrer. He

was not a man who was bloodlust and a disdain for people. He was a man who loved his country and that's that. And I won't hear any more of it. Alright, here's one where they're all dogs. Okay. Hank Hill, where's my bone?

Where you take my bone? Where's my ball? Where you take my tennis ball? Hank Hill, where my Frisbee? I had it in my yard. Do you take my Frisbee out of my yard, Hank Hill? I didn't take your damn, your goddamn, your peanut butter cone or your frisbee. I didn't take your orange tennis ball.

I have my own. Hank Hill, where's my kibble? Peggy, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop sniffing my butthole every time we leave the house. Well, somebody's got to sniff it, Hank. Hey, Tom, I got... Bark! Bark! Bark!

Blame it, Bobby. Bark. Barky? Barky Hill. Barky Dog. Barky Dog. But this is Barky Dog. You'll listen to your dog dad.

You'll listen to your father who's also a hound. Hank Hound. This is the show Dog of the Hill. Dog of the Bark. God damn it. Fuck. Uncle Hank. Uncle Hank.

Homer, it's me. March. Uncle Hank. Homer, it's me. March. Uncle Hank, I think Brad's gonna bring over a bone later. We're gonna chew on it together.

After Barkle study. Luanne, I'm not your Barker. I have no business. You have no business telling me what dogs are coming over. And frankly, I wish he would ditch that studded collar. It is not. I am not.

I am not your dog daddy. And I promise you that that boy what's out chasing his tail three hours a night and eating all the baseboards in the house will not produce a good litter of puppies for you. You like my brand new kibble, Hank Hill? Bet you'd love to try it. He's got like the really nice rawhide, like bone marrow treats. You like bone marrow treat, Hank Hill? I'm sure you would like.

You like bone marrow treat, Hank Hill? You can't afford. You too poor. You sell propane. Dude. Just emailing Mike Judge. You're too poor. You sell propane. Dude. Dog. He's emailing Mike Judge. All right, look.

I know you didn't respond to my email about Hitler Hill, but I got another great idea. Dog of the Hill. Dog of the Bark. Dog of the Bark. It's just a working title. We can come up with something else. But I have a feeling. Look, I've got all of the voice people. No, it's just a working title. We can come up with something else. Uh, but I have a feeling,

look, I've got all of the voice people. No, it's not the original cast. Look, a lot of those guys, look, it's me and my friend Thomas.

We got a show. It's, it's, we're middling podcasters. We're really just trying to break into the voice acting thing. You know, we talk every day. So anyway, it's dog of the hill.

It's dog. It's bark. It's bark of the dog. And, uh, everybody's a dog and they. It's bark of the dog. And everybody's a dog. And they get into all sorts of hijinks. And that's pretty much it. Thanks for your time, Mike.

Peggy, where's my kennel? Peggy, why did you go into my kennel when you used my puppy pads to piss and shit all over the floor? Dad, Mom had to go to the bathroom because you didn't take her out on her walks. A dog does not walk another dog, Bobby. They walk together side by side as friends. Neither is the other's master. But, Dad, we don't have any masters. as friends. Neither is the other's master. But dad, we don't have any masters.

You'd be nice to... Who's his granddad? Cotton Hill. Hey Hank! The fucking short little like fucking... I killed 50 dogs. I heard I heard humans are coming soon to try and

put us on leashes. Hank, I heard humans are coming soon to try and put us on leashes. Hank, I heard that humans are going to put little collars on us that shock us if we bark too loud. Dale Kibble. Hold on, now I've got to try. Dale Kibble. Fuck, I think that's it uh bill retrieve there we go oh i like that yeah um let's see bark howard bark howard bark louder i don't know bark louder chew chew howard chum maybe uh let's see oh Oh, Boom Howler.

We got it right there. Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah, right there. Boom Howler, Dale Kibble, Chuan. We can go Chuan. Let's see. What else do we could do? This is easy.

I'm in the fucking zone. Peggy, we got, hmm. I don't remember what the neighbor is named. Which one? I don't know the the neighbor is named Which one I don't know the Chinese guys The Laotian guys Yeah Laotian I don't remember Connie or that's the daughter

Yeah Connie's the daughter No it's Con because he just calls her Kong the little The treat you put peanut butter in Let me see here Peggy Peggy Peggy Peggy Tuggy i don't know um peggy peggy peggy hill um leggy

yeah that's a good one i I think Barky's fine. I think we got it. Barky Hill. That's everybody. That's the whole show. Hank. John Redcorn could be John Redtail. Yeah.

That's fine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Boomhowler, Dale Kibble, Bill Retrieve, and then Hank Hill. He can have his own name. Hank's a dog's name. Bark Dog. Mm-hmm. Yeah, solid.

Yeah, that's a really – Bark Dog. Yeah, listen, Mike. We're going to change everybody's name to the same thing. It's going to be Bark Dog. You're going gonna love it he works for um he works for something um bark food instead of propane he sells bark he sells kibble bark home i went over to hank's house and he's selling kibble bark. Homer, I went over to Hank's house and he's selling kibble. I can't do Homer.

Marge, I can't do it. Marge is easy to do. Hank isn't very hard. Dale is easy. Hey, SpongeBob. Patrick. Hey, SpongeBob. Hey. Hey. SpongeBob. Hey.

Hey. SpongeBob, would you mind sucking it from the back for me, please? SpongeBob, could you refill my bowl? He's a dog, too. No, no, he's a stoner. Oh, okay. Sure. Sure. Sure.

I'm Spongeongebob! I haven't seen this show that much. I swear by square pants! Higher? I'm Spongebob via the emphysema. I'm ready! I'm ready. I'm ready.

Patrick. Hold on. I have spiders in my pussy. I went down to fix the pipe and under the house only and a big spider crawled my butthole. Anyway, if you're listening to this, that means that you've been listening to some of the sharpest political and cultural commentary that exists.

Hi, it's me, SpongeBob. Hola, soy SpongeBob. It's me, Bo Sponge. Everybody likes to come to my pineapple and hang out with me and my friend Patricia. And we fucking, we get crazy as hell. We fuck with the squeak guy. And we fucking, we get crazy as hell. We fuck with the squeak guy.

He plays his gay ass horn and we go over to his house and we set him on fire and we poke his eye. He fucking, he does not like us. And then I work for a guy who's a big ass crab. It's a shitty job. But it paid for the rain and the pineapple. I want to fuck uh texas squirrel she's a scientist or some she uh she don't want to me because i'm a mexican sponge but anyway uh thanks for coming to my house i think that's everybody in the show oh i have a the lady who teach me to drive a boat she's a big fat bitch i don't know what type

of fish i think maybe a puffer fish that would make sense her name is mrs puff i'm a fucking retard anyway yeah she teach me to drive the boat but she no good at it and me neither so basically what happened i crashed the boat really bad and i never get my license I 39 years old I've been trying to get my license 20 years and show story um I see what else we talked about mr. crash we talked about squealer we talked about Patricia I'm sandy mr. puff Gary I got a fucking snail that meows like a cat. He like, he eat fucking out of a bowl. He not really play too much of a pivotal role in my life.

But I do love him. I love him a lot. He my friend. I got a friend, he a lobster. He live a bunch away and hang out at the beach. Yeah, but me and him We don't hang out too much Because he make me feel bad

Cause I'm a small spawn Anyway If you're listening to this That means you're listening to You're listening to This is late Spongebob? Yeah you're listening to

Patreon.com slash Spongebob? Yeah, you're listening to patreon.com slash spongebob. Yeah. If you're still listening, go watch Spongebob. Yeah, fuck the show. Yeah, if you're still listening, head on over to patreon.com slash pandeo time. Throw us a little cheese cheddar. If you're running the website that uploads the premium episodes, I can't stop you. I can't.

I can't stop you from doing that. But I want to let you know that I don't appreciate it. You're on my fucking poo-poo list. And you're taking money out of me and Thomas' fucking mouths. And that won't ever sit right with me. But if you want to pay for the show, you should. It's called patreon.com slash pandeo time. Five bucks a month, you get a Discord access,

all the fucking bonus episodes. We've got a backlog of quite a few now. I've been going strong almost three years. If you pay ten bucks a month, you get access to all the video episodes. We've been posting clips of those on Instagram and Twitter. They're pretty funny. And you get access to all the bonus episodes and the discord access uh if you pay us 50 bucks a month you can be among the coolest motherfuckers i know tim and uh the guys from the adam friedland

show uh those those those fellas um if you're in chicago if you're in Chicago, the windy fucking city in a month's time. Me and Thomas, big tugger Thomas, big old penis tugging Thomas, big testicles Thomas, big fucking tight ass Thomas. Yeah. Yeah. He's looking at his phone right now to send a text message to the president because they talk. And he and their best friends. Anyway, yeah, you can get tickets um on our patreon link so if you go to patreon.com

slash pendejo time i pinned it it's public it's uh the tickets are on sale about halfway gone we're still a month out so get those fast uh hopefully we'll have some cool shit to give you guys uh when we, when we show up, I got some shit in the chamber that I'm cooking up. Yeah. Check out the, check out the episodes, check out the video episodes,

check out the sketch. I haven't been promoting that as much cause we're trying to get this show, these tickets sold. But anyway, thanks for listening. I'm going to have this up right now. It's Thursday, 10 46 central standard.

Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm a Mexican Spong.