Pendejo Time - a'sean tinkle

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

1000 yards my freshman year all in a straight line forever. not too bad from a boy raised in a big bowl of peeSupport the show

Yeah, yeah Moving fast never in last present to past Got a blast foot on the gas Break it off that ass go into class See if I pass my test big vest I'm going to go to the end of setting up fireworks for Halloween. That makes sense, doesn't it?

Yeah. Wait. No. I mean, it's new. I don't know. Who gets? I mean, yeah. People bought so many fireworks for 4th of July this year.

We had them going off every day halfway through August. It was just like a consistent. Every day, every night, people would set off at least a few fireworks. For like three weeks after fucking the fourth or whatever? Every single night, scattered throughout the city. Fireworks. I remember when we were, when I came to visit and we were doing the show, the fire hydrant thing is such a, like a quintessential movie moment.

But I never thought that it like, it makes the city stink. Like it makes that street stink more. I guess because of the water and the concrete I don't know why because it's like in the movies. It's so wholesome. It's like Kids of fire hydrant cooling off on a crisp summer day in beautiful, New York. It's humid They look yeah when you drive by it that smell of like water on like dirty concrete. You know it's like Just like a thick must yeah, it's like when you're hosing off your poop Yeah, when you're hosin that again Mm-hmm when you're out in the backyard that classic southern experience where you're washing your poop in the sink Mm-hmm when you're job brother you just bring them back memories of being in the south

You know you go out back you get that hose and you just spread back memories of being in the south. You know, you go out back, you get that hose and you just spread your butt cheeks and wash that poop right down the back of your balls. Yeah. You know, god man, you you got a mom would send you to wash your poop off before

dinner. Mm hmm. She'd ring the dinner bell. Ding ding ding. She'd say, Thomas, Thomas, don't forget to wash your poop off the back of your balls before you come in. Take take turd out from the bucket and wash it off. Thomas, did you forget to wash your turd? Don't lie to me.

Termis? Termis? Termisoo. Termisoo. That's my favorite dessert. Tiramisu. Tiramisu. That's my favorite dessert. Oh, my granny Tiramisu. She just she she was the one who taught me

how to wash my turd off the back of my balls before I came in for supper. We used to growing up. We used to can our peas. So, in the winter, we wouldn't have to go to the bathroom. Mm hmm. Yeah, you gotta whenever you can your pee got a bowl the jar

Mm-hmm, and then you put that Mason jar in the pantry on the pea shelf And you don't want to mix up your pee in your poop or it can know they can make sperms Yeah, and nobody nobody won't say or puke or vagina Or fart you don't want to mix that up I saw a chair that had vagina on it earlier it had somebody left somebody there oh they left some vagina on the chair these women these days they don't know how to keep track of their pussies they just leave them. Yeah, I saw it on the bus Somebody left their vagina on the bus earlier

Miss excuse me miss. I'm just a southern. I'm just old southern tumbleweed. I just want to remind you left a pussy on a chair Here at this Starbucks Sir We have bad news about your wife It looks like she left her pussy in the bathroom, and now all her stuff is coming out of there Maybe I'm just I'm just such a scatterbrain. I left my pussy at the at the Dollar Tree I got a try to go back and get it must have just fallen right. I took it off so I could use my rash cream And I forgot to put it back on Yeah, I forgot put my pussy back on when I unscrewed it.

Took it right off. I feel like we're getting close to that. Margaret's always so late to work, she thinks she put her pussy on with quick drying cement every night. Because in the morning she probably has to spend all morning prying it off with a crowbar. So she can go urine. This is Chris Fixit here. I'm teaching you guys how to reattach your pussy to your 2007 Honda Fit. What you're going to need is a pair of needle nose pliers, you're going to need this here flywheel adapter for a pussy to a Honda flywheel and you're just gonna need flat screwdriver and

that's it for the simple job. Never leave your pussy behind again. You know I will adapt her. You want to think special about a Honda fit it's got the H in a box right on the front and all I need to chill out is to some H and sub box if I want a little out on do is heroin. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of this stuff but it's awesome. If you want to get a gram of heroin use code PENDEHO20. Get you a nice gram of China white heroin and you can nod off in your Dallas Cowboys Sun Bleached Lawn Chair on the porch of your trailer. Introducing the new easiest car to nod off in. The Lincoln the 2002 Lincoln Town car With this giant boat of a car. It doesn't matter what you hit. You're fine

You're asleep on a big iron couch a big fortress of a couch and if you not often this thing and You hit your neighbor's mailbox, nobody gives a fuck. And nobody, it don't matter, nothing, none of it matters. You can roll it and it goes back upside down. Well, you can drive it upside down, up the creek, up and around the bend, back into your driveway, and up onto the highway.

The cops think you're one of them, so they won't bother you none, because that's what they drive, kinda it's the same car so if you're high as hell behind the wheel just letting God dictate where you're going to don't worry about the police they're just going to pull up next to you and say hey look it's one of us. I invented that is made out of turd. Lotus unleashes their new rival to the Chevrolet Corvette ZR1. Ladies and gentlemen, the Stinken Brown Car. You can catch it at SEMA and at several of the futuristic conceptual car festivals. Stinking

brown car. Thomas, I want you to tell the people what is under the hood, what is the powerhouse of the stinking brown car? Well it has over 550 poots under the hood and it runs on a hundred percent American tinkle and it can go 150 steps per hour. God damn you love to hear that. Now the ZR1 when we do our when we do our compare and contrast punishment tests we want to see what which one is the real American workhorse. So the ZR1 is gonna have a thousand fifty seven horsepower twin turbo flat plane V8 But the stinking brown car as Thomas said 550 poots under the hood and runs on what'd you call it? Good old American tinkle now you can't problem is you can't find American tinkle at just any gas station ain't that right time

You got to go to a special racing Poop store that's right a racing poop store and and American tinkle is best because it's much darker than other brands European tinkle is often very clear and smells of rosé Asian tinkle Asian Tinkle. It's different even different from that. My name is Asian Tinkle. I'm a Sean Tinkle. Running back to the Dallas Cowboys. Fresh out of SMU the newest running back for the Dallas

Cowboys a Sean Tinkle a Sean. What's it like hitting the NFL draft? First pick. It's good. I used to practice growing up with a big, uh, with a big, a conular piece of poop that we found in the field. And it was nice because I used to, as a gag, I would throw it to my dad and he would catch it with his mouth. It was just here like when you were at SM you ran. You ran a thousand yards in one game. That's unheard of. I don't even know how crazy thing was. It was in a straight line too.

That's a good old Texas genetics, A'Shawn Tinkle. What did it feel like getting picked for the Cowboys? Was it dream of yours, A'Shawn? I remember, I still remember I was on the toilet when I found out. And I had my whole head on the ball. I was trying to gnaw my way out of there. I'd been doing a headstand for 36 hours with my head underwater and I got one of those special toilets that fills all the way up to the lid.

At least whenever you put your head in there. Well you know a good ballplayer ain't nothing without a good family behind it. So I wanted to go when I go do do it's like a natural birth My whole thing's already underwater. Oh You do it like a water home birth boo every time. Yeah Shit. Yeah, I got a midwife for it Now your father was quite the ballplayer himself. What's What's what was your what was your daddy's nickname when he played for the Baylor? the coach

TT'd on him. Is that true? Yes. He liked it because he enjoyed it. It was sort of a sexual depravity that he was accustomed to. He grew up in a big bowl of Tinkle down south of the Opelousas. You know, we grew up so poor, I didn't even, you know, I really wasn't even into football. I was just, I grew up in a big bowl of Tinkle.

Just right up on the Texarkana, it was just a large white porcelain bowl in a wheat field filled with Tinkle. That's where me and my family was raised. Me and my family grew up in characters of Dandeland, which is a gay fetish version of the uh some other ones. It's we were we had to make a got most of the jeans. Da Mama was a poop monster. you know, interracial co couple. You gotta get it out

the bowl. You know, as as say in a racial couple, p south didn't take to kind to roll up. He's a big po he'd roll up and he'd ro to say to Pretty Toes Tinkle. Ain't that right? Yeah, Pretty Toes used to carry a big bow and arrow and he'd let you know about it too.

He'd say, this is my bow and arrow. He'd say, this is my bow and arrow. I use it for elk. A whole lot of elk down here in Texas. A whole lot of elk down here in the Big Bowl of Tinkle, Big Bowl of Tinkle, Texas. As if Led Zeppelin was from the forest, a song would have been, whoa, that's a whole lot of elk.

Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I thought you were going to go with the immigrant song for some reason. Elk! And it down in the place with the woods and grass with the big old elk and I shoot them down. They have antlers and a brown nose and brown body and brown hooves and brown ears and brown bellies. Mmm. God, I love Blood Zeppelin. Come from the land of the yoke and the yokes with the yokes all running they look like yokes. Hell, yokes. Wonderful, Robert. That was a great take. Isn't this song about an immigrant traveling the world and his hard journey to find himself?

I didn't think this song was about Elk. It's the immigrant song, it's not the Elk song. I'm not trying to criticize you or nothing, I'm just the producer. Right, well, it was about the nine-year year old girl who immigrated to my basement in the early 70s if I recall correctly. Well I didn't, well I guess it is 1978 so all of that is totally fine and no one really cares too much about it but that's, that's how I appreciate it, you Robert, you know what I mean for you being honest with me just now they

probably call them Robert plant on account of all that reefer they were smoking back in the day yeah all that reefer and teenage but that mountain the mountain plant of the mountain they'd call them grass of the grass of the greens grass of the field grass of the is was He was yeah He was the one that or am I thinking of Steven Tyler that like basically kidnapped that 13 year old girl or something and like kept her in his apartment might have been Jimmy page But I don't want to say I don't know could have been Robert but think of my

blood zeppelin I'm gonna make sure that I'm not just saying shit that could give me yell that or something Steve Let's up and girl underage. No, I'm not gonna search that I'm gonna search that differently Kidnap not Us just Jimmy page she was 14 that He admitted this to the FBI oh She was 16 so I guess that's better wait. This is I'm looking at a different thing According to this

New York Post article from 2021. Led Zeppelin molested a teenager with fish. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Belinda was a teenager working in a fashion show. Talk about barking up the wrong stream, folks. Am I right? What do you think it was? I mean was was it just was it just the rock star like I'm not saying like I'm asking like why did nobody give a

fuck I mean I guess I don't know I'm trying to phrase it in a way where I'm like I'd be clearly like it's bad but I'm like why didn't they just do whatever they wanted like they were was was it was it were you too big? to fail Bernie Sanders style was it just like one of them So you know there's a band called vanilla fudge I guess I'm not familiar with them Led Zeppelin was on tour with them the the manager the road manager for manager for vanilla fudge was named Bruce Wayne. And he, the two managers had gone fishing. They had caught a bunch of mud sharks and red snappers. Isn't that nice?

That's nice. And that was, he was having sex with a teenager? Well, this other girl was there. She's 17. She got naked, and they started hitting her with a fish. I got a little piece of tidbit for you. This is Steven Tyler from our. But you should never hit a girl with fish, even if she's over 18. You should never abuse a woman with a red snapper. Never abuse a woman with a never with a red snapper fish use your words use your

words in your feet only verbal hit yeah only say mean thanks to her maybe a switch kick every now and then Steven Tyler still faces a separate lawsuit that alleges sexual battery and assault of a minor relating to his relationship with Julia Holcomb Misley, then 16, over a three-year period. The singer denies Misley's allegations of assault and battery, but not that he had sex with her. Classic. In May, Tyler's lawyers argued that Misley could not use the publication of his memoirs in 2004 as a cause for her quote, emotional distress in court as it was free speech.

Which is just like to write in your memoirs you're like, yeah I was a real dog. I fucked a bunch of teenagers and I made them worse for it and I ruined their whole lives but yeah it's free speech baby. I did that. I made a lot of money during that time and I could kind of I mean I'm a First Amendment guy you know what I mean I really like my freedom of speech you know freedom to just say whatever I want freedom to kiss whoever you know well from what I've heard from Adam Levine he's an amazing lover.

Stephen Tyler? Stephen Tyler's an amazing lover from what I've heard. I'll look it up right now. Stephen Tyler, amazing lover. And I'll Google that. Yeah, let me do that. Did Adam Levine have... It moves like Jagger.

You never heard it? Yeah, but that's Jagger. Look, that is beside the point Stephen Tyler Adam Levine Yo, I'm gonna I'm just gonna put it out here and say it that First Maroon 5 album goes hard as fuck. I don't care. I know it's gay music like every song they did is amazing fucking music like every song they did is amazing. Yeah, fucking Sunday morning rain is falling. Still some color, some skin.

That song goes hard as hell. Fucking She Will Be Loved. I was the other one. I don't know. It's all about. It's all about sex and button boobs, which is inappropriate. But if you're over the age of 30, you can listen to that kind of stuff Man Goddamn, I'm a fucking mine. I'm a fucking crazy

Monkey man, I'm a fucking crazy little reptilian sexual bastard They call my dick the monitor because it monitors you and it fucking has a long time And it's fat and it fucking has a long time and it's fat and it's got a tail yeah Adam Levine never said that Stephen Tyler was a said was a so I thought Stephen Tyler and Mick Jagger were the same guy for a minute Mick Jagger he had the moves like himself uh... gotcha adam levin daily by the time you know sure you know the google a i think you have a like a i over the google does now

uh... i googled mick jagger adam levin sex and the a i overview for google said there isn't much info about mick jagger adam levin having sex but here's some related information about the song moves like Jager Well, there's not what we don't know Who was the oh is Richard Pryor I think the fuck David Bowie was that was that the one I think that was Richard Pryor well Mick Jagger and David Bowie also had a thing yeah I think that Marlon Brando also fucked Richard Pryor David Bowie talks about what Richard Pryor gay he fucks somebody I don't remember

Richard Pryor fucked a few people. Oh Marlon Brando yeah you're right He said to have had sex with Marlon Brando and enjoyed cross-dressing so he was likely bisexual Dude I don't understand I don't this is why I don't have a lot of sympathy for the For them in cell fellas because Prince was like five foot two and he got more pussy than anybody Yeah, he was also a millionaire one of the greatest musicians Very fair very very fair, but what I'm saying is he had to acquire those skills and that money He's also a handsome guy. That's very true. Yeah, very, very true. And a pedophile. Wait, was he? For real? Yeah. Come on, dude. He's one of my favorite musicians of all time. Please don't tell me. Well, he was a huge homophobe. I know that. Yeah, that is, yeah, that's crazy. He was literally fucking level 5000 gay and was like, did not, didn't

care for the gay guys. Oh, I need to read up on that on this show live, uncut and for everybody involved, happy Halloween. Prince, gay icon, whether that he wanted to be or not. Subtle homophobia. Yeah, he was definitely one of those. Because he is a Jehovah, He became a Jehovah's Witness. So I kind of took over his...

Oh that's right! He got like pretty... Yeah. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, oh yeah, he became a Jehovah's Witness. What'd he say about the public? One of his drummers or whatever was a lesbian woman. Oh yeah. And they were going to do like a reunion thing and he was like, I'll do it as long as you

publicly say that you're no longer gay. And she was like, I mean that does, she was like married to a woman. She was like, what? That doesn't even, what? I didn't know about that. That's baller dude. Yeah, hey I know that you're like, we go way back and like you're happy and living as

Yourself which you should but if you want to be in my band again, you have to go out in public and say that you're not Clearly what you are if that works for you It's even when a woman says she's not gay and she is it's even less convincing than when a gay guy says it. How so? Like like like when a if a butch lesbian woman tells you oh I like like made a speech that was like I'm no longer a lesbian. Some women are supposed to be lesbians. They fill a role in this world that can't be filled by other people. We need them. Not to say we don't need gay guys, but they get a little up on their high horse every once in a while. No offense, you guys.

No, yeah. I see what you mean. Get too big for their britches. Right. Now that they're all wearing the baggy pants Less likely, but you know maybe they'll go back around It's it's you think are you gonna? Start wearing skinny jeans again soon. Are you are you gonna get back on that wave? I've been yeah, I've been I've been wearing them again Mostly because I haven't been doing laundry And I've just been wearing I went back to my one pair of black jeans

Lifestyle because our dryer is acting up and I think my maintenance guy is only capable of breaking one thing in my apartment at a time Right now it's the AC and he's not fixing it so much as he's making it worse I was texting earlier he was up there so our AC is The ceilings are like it's like an old building like so the ceilings are high and The AC unit is just behind half of a door That's like built into the wall. It's like a little crawlspace And he he was up there on the ladder like a 10-foot ladder and I just hear this like and he's like, oh that's arcing like a 10 foot ladder and I just hear this like and he's like oh that's arcing can you hit the breaker and I was like sure and I turned the AC off and the

breaker and it was still arcing and he was like oh yeah I probably shouldn't touch this stuff I was like yeah man I mean if it's arcing electricity onto your body I don't want you to die in my apartment because then I would have to like clean up your body and stuff but yeah yeah I don't I you to die in my apartment because then I would have to like clean up your body and stuff. But yeah, I only have one pair of black jeans right now. I'm kind of just rocking back with that. Why do you ask? I don't know. Just kind of seeing. I mostly look to you for fashion advice.

Oh yeah, yeah. I mean I got a pair of Duluth's This week that I'm really liking they got the gusset on them for extra crotch room That's are they worth it. I Got him from a thrift store. So they were They're like that. They're like 70 or something new nowadays But I don't know, I've been wearing, it's the only pair of jeans I have that like sort of fits me right now. I have some Dickies that I can still wear but I can't really wear a lot of my pants anymore just because they're old. Not, they're not because, just because as pants get older, they get a lot smaller. Yeah.

Yeah, just this fact about fabrics. They just shrink. You wash something, you know, even though I wash my stuff on cold, and dry it on low heat, it'll shrink up a lot during the holidays, and then sometimes as the heat as the summer comes on stuff will sometimes expand.

But especially in the winter months clothes really get a lot smaller because they shrink up from the cold also. Yes, 100%. That's what molecules do. It's kind of like metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The molecules do that. It's like ice.

Expand, contracts, so on and so forth. You know how ice contracts? You know how water contracts when it freezes? Yeah. Oh yeah. Man, that's so fucking true, dude. Yeah, I've been putting on some LBs also. Classic style again. I tried to go to the gym the other day and I really, really, really hated it and I derived no joy from it. And then I sat down on my couch like I've been doing pretty much every night for the last two months and drank about nine beers which just god damn man I know that it's bad for me and like it's really bad for your heart

and your liver and stuff and I know where it leads but god damn it man it's so much cooler than bench pressing like it's kind of astounding how much cooler it is than hitting the treadmill for an hour or doing pull downs or doing anything, really. I've been watching this CIA show called The Old Man. It's not a CIA. It's kind of like an action TV show on FX. You ever heard of it

No, no, I don't have a TV You'd really like it. But uh, do you like um? Jeff Bridges Yeah, yeah, he's a man Jeff Bridges plays like a old back-in-the-day CIA guy and his past comes back to haunt him. And he's basically just like an old guy and he like does karate kicks and stuff to guys' chests and body. That's cool.

But yeah, it's pretty good. That's all I've been up to lately, really. Just doing standup, drinking beer, watching Jeff Bridges movies, which is pretty cool. I can't really complain, you know? I mean, I guess I could. I guess I'd complain about anything. Yeah, I like it when the old people are in stuff.

You like old guys? You like to watch their butts open and close and get stuff in there? Is that what I said? I mean I gathered that from what you said. You kind of, you're like a really, you're a poetic guy. You kind of have the mind and the soul of a bard. So when you say stuff like, oh I caught this old Dennis Hopper movie the other day, I know that that's just your kind of heavy

handed but really well articulated metaphor for I like it when an old man's butt opens and closes and then there's stuff in there. That's kind of what I've come to know about your mind and your spirit. Ideal situation if I'm going into an old guy's butt. There's nothing in there, but me No, I guess I guess the warm Inner casing of his Bro I love your inner casing and fucking awesome, dude going down. Your case. Bro, I love your inner casing and fucking awesome, dude.

Yeah, I didn't. Yeah, that that's gross. I don't I don't want to think about that. Well, I think about it. I didn't bring it up. I didn't I didn't say I was talking about season three of Twin Peaks. But you wanted to talk about season and three of men's cheeks and throwing them on the grill and eating them like a steak.

Throwing them on the grill and eating them like god damn pork shoulder dude. Oh man. I love to just slice off a man's butt and slow roast that son of a bitch for 16 hours. Low and slow. Hit it with a little honey barbecue, hit it with a little mustard. Do you think butt, I've heard anecdotally from cannibals that I say I've heard, you just read it online, I don't know any cannibals. But apparently the butt is the best part of the guy to eat. Like in terms of flavor and tenderness is butt. Obviously not like butt hole, butt just ass cheek, lower thigh, you know, upper back or

lower back. I would like to try Oregon meat. What's what's oh you mean like Oregon? I thought you said Oregon meat. You mean like mean like liver and stuff, like guy heart? Guy kidney? No, probably from a girl. Oh, you want to eat a girl's body. I'm not gonna eat a guy's body, that's gay. So if you were forced to do cannibalism you wouldn't eat a guy? I'm not eating any part of a guy. Okay, so if you were starving in a desert island

A desert island you would die Before you ate any part of a guy's body like his flesh or maybe his organs or perhaps his bone marrow I Would use part of my own body. It'd be like jacking off But you wouldn't eat any part of a guy Nah Do you eat plants or something? Okay, you Figure out which plants would kill me and then eat the ones that didn't No, I probably eat plants or something. Okay.

I'll probably figure out which plants would kill me and then eat the ones that didn't. I thought you meant eat your pants. Just like start chowing down on your fucking Levi's. Oh yeah, I'll probably eat my jeans. I guess I'll probably end up sucking my own white cock But I guess oh I'm getting so hungry out here, I don't know if I'm ever gonna be saved Guess I might as well suck my white cock My god, I just sucked my cock six times turns out there's a restaurant on this island

Turns out I'm at an all-inclusive resort in beautiful Montego Bay. Turns out I'm on Rhode Island. Turns out I'm in a densely populated area. There was no reason for me to suck my white cock. I sucked my own white There's no reason for me to suck my white cock. I suck my white cock for no reason My white cock could have gone another day unsucked Goddamn it. I'm alas alas I fall victim to my own Instead of a Gary Paulson's hatchet it's

Scary persons whack it and it's just a kid who gets in a plane crash and for six months in the Canadian wilderness has to Suck some white cock until he's saved by a different airplane Wilson Wilson it's not looking good. I have to suck my own white cock. I don't know why that's so funny to me. I've been out here alone in the woods sucking on my own white cock.

I got an eye, my grandfather came to this country with nothing but 25 cents in his pocket in a big white cock to the left of that pocket Into the left of that white cock Yeah, fucking he had a wallet and had a hundred thousand dollars in it And then in one of his back pockets. He had a pocket watch and then to the Counterclockwise so that he had a pack of chewing gum in the other pocket

Mm-hmm he went around to the next pocket it would be The pocket with quarters in it so quarter one quarter he used it for laundry So quarter white cock wallet with a hundred thousand dollars in it, and then what was the other one? Watch chewing chewing gum chewing gum watch watch Chewing gum and nowadays if you wanted to watch chewing gum all you have to do is go on to probably cartoon network And there's probably a dang show about it They've got everything nowadays from Rick and Morty to the image. You know they could probably watch the amazing world of gum ball mm-hmm

You know if they made that show now. It would probably be called the amazing world of his balls the amazing girl with with young balls To get in to join the army here. Yeah, it'd be about a trans woman with huge nuts and you have to suck them to be a Delta Force operator. Yeah. That's how they do seers school. That's how they teach you how to evade capture and torture and to resist torturers. Absolutely. You have to suck a large set of big nuts that

belongs to a tall woman. That would be hell. Oh no. That would be fun. Here it is, my own personal hell. A beautiful, huge, penised woman. Who designed this fucking evasion course? Jim Norton? This is the worst job interview I've ever had. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm sucking a fucking dick Sorry boy damn ding dong Suck a damn white dinger and for what to be in the fucking Navy Sucking on a great big pole. I hate this suckin on a huge white piece of tubed meat fuck

I'm just sucking on a thick white pipe I'll just say it right now I hate cock I can't stand sucking on it they keep having I hate the smell I hate the smell of it I hate I hate the way that light reflects on the base and the tip can't get it out of my fucking mind I hate the way that light reflects on the base and the tip. I can't get it out of my fucking mind, I hate it so much. Soldier, you know what it takes to be a Special Forces Operative. Sometimes when you get captured, things ain't gonna be too easy.

They're gonna do things to you that, god damn, I don't even, you know, the Lord, stuff the Lord don't even like to speak. You know, the devil, stuff the Lord don't even like to speak. The devil shies away from it. So to prepare you for what might happen when you're behind enemy lines and if you do get captured, I'm going to need you to suck this huge pair of balls what belongs to this tall woman.

This is what the Koreans did to you if they catch you, them North Korean fellers. Have you suck a beautiful woman's balls. What are you looking at? Picture your butt? Uh, no, something our new president said. Uh, what did he say? I would like to wish our great Bitcoiners a happy 16th anniversary of Satoshi's white paper.

We will end Kamala's war on crypto and Bitcoin will be made in the USA. Vote Trump. Hashtag Bitcoin. Hashtag free Ross day one. Do you think we mean made in the do you think he thinks Bitcoin is an actual like a like a gold coin? I don't think he knows or cares. Did you see that picture of Joe Biden biting that baby? Yeah, I think he was cooking with that one No, come on no, dude, sometimes you just yeah, it makes sense people do that Well, I'm just saying he's still got but he's still got my vote you still vote for him Yeah, once I registered a vote and four years when he runs again when Joe Biden runs again at the age of 85, or I guess 86, I'll vote for him again.

He's going to be the best 90-year-old president we've ever had. I'm going to send you this picture, because this angle is not too great. The one that I saw initially on with you was kind of wholesome, but this, that's a crazy angle dude. That is not solid. I like this. I kind of like this Yeah, I like that he's got the whole baby's foot in his mouth dude, so what yeah hasn't been there Been there did you listen to Rogan and Trump talk about? Fucking how big the victory is gonna be? Awesome. No, how big is it gonna be? It's gonna be huge. He's gonna win

He's gonna fucking he's probably I think he's gonna win I think he's probably gonna be president again, I Don't I don't want him to be but I'm kind of scared if it's close and he loses you know what I mean like I'm not scared I just I think people will probably die which is sad like I think there would be kind of like maybe a short but very intense like call it the weeks of lead I don't know but it would be pretty bad I think like I don't know maybe like a couple hundred people die. Maybe a couple thousand.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter? You think it's over? You think it gives you shit? Yeah, I think Jill Stein's got it in the bag again. Dude, she's won like eight elections in a row, but they just take it from her at the last minute. Yeah, you know it. I think for $5,000 I would register to vote.

Well, dude, Elon has given people like a million dollars or some shit. Or like, if you sign his petition where it's okay to say the n-word or something you get entered into like a lottery let me let me see what this shit is I don't want to be a registered voter and like a swing state huh no you can be any registered voter if you're in a swing state you get like a hundred bucks if you're not in a swing state you get 47 and you're

entered into a sweepstake thing. Pennsylvania challenges Musk's one million a day voter sweepstakes move. Pennsylvania prosecutors are able to shut down Elon Musk's one million dollar voter sweepstakes move to federal court. It's gotta be fucking illegal, right? I don't know anything about, like, I don't know anything about fuck,

so it's hard for me to say, but when I saw that he was giving motherfuckers a million dollars, I was like, that is crazy. He's not it's hard for me to say but when I saw that he was giving motherfuckers a million dollars I was like that is crazy I'm not he's not giving them a million dollars to vote for Trump but it's like I know I mean if you get dude if a motherfucker gave me a million dollars I'm voting for Trump twice you know what I mean like that's if if you gave me a hundred grand I would vote for Trump if you gave me I don't know ten grand would you vote for Trump for ten grand yep yeah yeah okay all right yeah that's fair five. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah same. Yeah a

thousand I Really need a new car dude like bad Like I need a new car like fucking yesterday. I'm not registered to vote so I can't it right matter me neither. Yeah, yeah Would you have to do like a mail-in or would you have to vote in absentia? Whatever the fuck because you or do you need to register in Brooklyn or I don't know how the fuck that shit works I have to register in this state. I cannot I could not vote in In Texas because I've officially changed my Address and everything. Okay. Yeah, I opted not to when I changed my ID. They were like oh you can register to vote now

And I was like no oh Guys I didn't see that to the DMV people But uh no, I'm not not doing it. I'm not voting either. Yeah, I they're not fucking they I my price is money Yeah I my price is money Yeah Yeah, yeah, I feel they if they done if they were actually gonna do something about anything, you know, maybe but no They're not going to my price Is minimum $1,200 and I will register to vote

They've got bad giving it to me that first time. I need another 1200. Yeah Upset $ hundred dollars right now. Yeah, they got he needs his rent paid Big daddy need yeah, I need I need a little something something from up top You got to sweeten the deal if you want this vote, but I need that boss call to be made Yeah, you got a sign seal and deliver that check cuz I'm not voting for fucking Not voting for two gay wars. It's not there's not even any cool war happening. There's no cool wars gonna happen those war It's a war with Jake's mouth and the war with Jake's ass Pick one wage being waged by his maintenance guy my dick

another 12 Being waged by a guy's blood and a guy's mouth. Oh great another 12 billion dollars to my white cock Yeah Man crumbling infrastructure I don't care about the border. I don't care about wokeness, and I don't care about the border. I don't care about wokeness and I don't care about what else do I not care abortion. I don't care about. I kind of kind of care a little bit about abortion but what else? Yeah. I wish that everybody could get one. I wish that you could get them back at the store if you want to.

There's a guy I've been following that he's been telling. He's a preacher in Arizona and he's been telling the men in his congregation that they need to ensure that wives vote in accordance with their husbands because uh the husband's rule of the house dictates that the woman must vote and must vote in accordance with their husband's political wishes and um and a woman isn't to have really any political opinions at all because that is the that's like a man's business essentially. And he's quoting like Timothy, that verse in Timothy about women not being like leaders in the church and there really a woman's spiritual obligation is silence.

Ain't that right? And anyway, he was saying that, yeah, like women, he was like, if you're thinking about voting for Harris, it's a sin. He had, dude, bro, I was going to say this to you, I forgot. He has a book called The Manliness of Christ, and it's an entire book about how Jesus was really masculine, and how he was the most masculine man that ever lived. And being a Christian man means also being very masculine and whatever the fuck that means. He also has a book called Jesus and My Gender and Martin Luther's Cat. It's a book about like the Reformation

Church and Martin Luther and a big tabby cat. It's pretty uh... I fucking hate Protestants Kind of want to execute them. I'd have to execute most of my family I guess maybe I could keep my the ones I love but I don't I don't really care about people being religious. I just don't like when people were right a bunch of books about crap You know how much work it is to write a book you're gonna write a bad one yeah yeah it really sucks you're gonna write a book called Martin

Luther's cat I want to find it real what is the substance of your life? Uh, he... If you're writing about... if you're writing books about wokeness... Yeah. You suck so bad. You suck. His name's Dale Ponser. Everybody who's ever died in your family would not be happy to know that you're writing books about wokeness. Everybody who's been on the cusp of life and death, they're seeing that light beyond. They look over their shoulder and their grandson is writing books about how Jesus could do a million pushups

and how he was wheel kicking trans women in the town square. Yeah, in the bazaar in Galilee. Yeah, it is. Just doing fucking switch kicks to fucking trans women's heads like right outside with their own various fabrics Yeah Here here. He is right here in a Christian marriage a wife should vote according to her husband's direction He is the head and they are one unity extends to politics. This is not controversial For extra clarity, but as the church is subject to Christ

So also the wives ought to be as their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5 24. Now, submissions does have its limits. A wife doesn't need to submit to her husband in sin, in this case voting Democrat. In such cases she submits to her head's head, Christ. But outside of clear accounts of sin, she ought to conform and be one with her husband in all things. And if a house is divided against itself that house will not be

able to stand mark chapter 3 verse 25 and this fucking really really sucks my balls in my butt another round of bullshit a house divided against itself will not stand a mouse divided against itself will still seek out cheese Hey, that's the truth brother regardless. Yeah squeak verse chapter 3 verse 25 Check this one out young men. I know it's hard to find a modest feminine Christian woman Don't give up do not turn to pornography, and don't get comfortable being single. There is a shift happening.

Feminism is losing its power, and the Lord will provide. I like the idea that you have a belief, like a part baked into your belief system, is that God is going to grant you like a fucking nubile, blonde, 18 year old wife. Like a lot of these guys legitimately actually believe this. That like part of if they're good enough, if they live according to fucking pay to play Protestantism, whatever the fuck, that part of what God will grant them is kind of just

like a quiet, you know, bachelor's of science and nursing wife to fucking bite the tip of their ding dong on their wedding night or whatever the fuck. Um, what's the, what was the book I wanted to tell you about? I keep, I'm trying to, trying to find it. Uh, oh yes. We're making excellent audio books for your kids at the relearn app if you're not celebrating Halloween This is a great listen that may inspire your Reformation Day gathering the name of the book Grandma's Reformation Day feast

It's just about a big turkey Man I fucking love these guys Imagine you think that God sent you your dream wife, and then you find out she's a woke lib Oh my god. Oh my god. I would probably throw a machete through the back of her skull Just kidding. What I would probably do is if I was such a strong man I could probably just convince her. Why don't these big strong men just convince their wives?

Because surely their wives love them. And respect them for sure. Quietly resent them? Absolutely not. They respect their kind of desperate almost They respect their desperate yammering about a Queenie New York liberal who's 76 years old and fucking does gay little dances and Really all he wants to do if evidence is to be taken at face value is to sit in a big rig. That's God forbid she doesn't vote for him, you know I can't imagine he posted a video where a woman voted for Kamala Harris and then her husband

walks up and he's got a big goatee and he's like did you make the right choice baby and she's like oh I did and then um uh there's like a somebody edited in like a laughing devil with a bunch of reverb it was like where's I like the idea that the devil the fallen angel Lucifer gives a god damn if a white woman in Idaho votes for Kamala Kamala Harris What's up, buddy you getting tired of being in your kennel I got a guy in a kennel in my house Yeah grown man. I'm surprised nobody's called her eats all the cherries why doesn't eats eats all the cherries Because she's always smiling like she's had a big bowl of fruit

Hey like them jerry's for crying out loud. Oh, give me a break. Thomas, I want you to I don't know if you've. I know that you mean you don't go to church anymore, but I've really been liking this guy's writings and I wanted to make sure that you really understand dynamics. You and me, we're relationship men and we love our ladies, but we got to remember the following when it comes to pastoral marriage counseling and keeping women silent in the home. This is from Mr. Dale Partridge. okay? So I just... Number one, not everything is emotional abuse.

So I just want to get that out of the way. Yeah, thanks for clearing that. Yeah. I just want you to understand that not everything that happens in a Christian home is emotional abuse. Really what, like it's a lot of woke liberals that throw that term around. So just understand that right off the bat guys, not everything that happens in a male-led

masculine home is emotional abuse. It's just keeping in line with the gospels. Emotions always get hurt when couples fight. That's also from Dale. So just understand that couples are gonna argue and if the woman's feelings and her body gets really hurt then it's not necessarily abuse. Number two, not everything is oppression. God's design for headship and submission

reflects love and order, not control. Thomas, this is something me and you need to really think about. God's design for headship and submission reflects love and order not control Thomas This is something me and you need to need to really think about I'm owning up to my sins right now and Thank you. Yeah, and I just I really need that that spoke to me God God wants me to tell Ashley what to do and how to dress and what to cook and stuff and how to dress, and what to cook and stuff, and how to think politically and sort of philosophically about the world. If the church obeying Christ isn't oppression,

a wife submitting to her husband isn't either. So fucking true, you know what I mean? Just, there we go, goddamn. Number three, not everything is toxic. Conflict isn't always poison, it's part of life. Instead, use the term unhealthy. You can't fix toxic, you everything is toxic. Conflict isn't always poison, it's part of life. Instead use the term unhealthy. You can't fix toxic, you can't fix unhealthy. That's, man, I really love what this guy is to say.

It's just, you know, whenever a girl starts saying some stuff, you gotta think to yourself, Jesus wants me to keep her locked in a room. You know what I mean? Just, he wants, really what he wants. Women are lost. Women don't even know what they want for lunch half the time, if you ask them. Exactly. And they expect us to let them have their own bank accounts? Mm-hmm. Yep. Absolutely

Whenever I put chips into a woman's brain, it's so that I can help her Long term so I can use I was in the side be the other day and I was telling wifey about this Yeah And I was driving all around the world in the side be all around the road now it's telling her I had my fresh newly monogram golf polo on yep and it says WTF what you think is going to be something inappropriate this is world uh, Frinter prizes and yeah, it's a new it's world frish world World christian fellowship. Mm-hmm. And it's for christians all around the world to be fellowshiped And it's actually kind of a sybe club for sure. Yeah, yeah people who own sybys christian sybe club

Yeah, yes, absolutely. So I was in this, right, I'm in the SyBee, right? And swerving all over the road, and I'm telling, I'm looking through my Google Glass, and I'm looking up amazing Christian things to say to your wife, even after she gained some weight. And one of the things I told her is I said look I don't care how big you get how big and fat and disgusting you get I don't care wifey her name is Mulu or something and I said look Mulu I don, look, Mulu, I don't care how big you get,

I don't care how big people from your island get, this, I'm in the side B right now, and I'm telling you, Christian to Christian, we are voting for RFK this year. I don't care if he's not in the race, he's the only person who is going to help put Bitcoin mining solar panels Where Joshua Tree National Park once was?

Once we bulldoze all those yes spiky first of all they're spiky. We don't want those there a Cactus is gross and it's spiky we're gonna get rid of all those and we're gonna put Bitcoin mining solar panels with a bunch of fans for the computers and The only person who can do that is God if Jesus had Bitcoin He could have saved a hell heck of a lot more lives Absolutely, and then I showed her something I used on my I

And then I showed her something I used on my iPad, and I used mid-journey AI to create a picture of Jesus Christ in a sibe. And he was hauling a giant, he was hauling the cross in the back of the sibe. Okay, gotcha. Right. And he also had on a Google glass just like myself and he had a blonde wife who's sucking his white dick okay okay imagine how much more Jesus could have gotten done in his meetings if he had on a golf polo exactly golf polo He's in the side be and he's smoking a black and a mile that he's googling

Christian things to say to my fat wife Instead he was wearing sandals and a tunic like a damn fucking a grant Like a vagrant homosexual working on wood just fucking making ox carts all goddamn day like some sort of fucking bohemian vagabond Oh Another one to put it better myself another one. I wanted to get your two cents on Dale Dale pastor Dale Partridge was saying that That prayer breakfasts have become feminized and we need to return to masculine prayer breakfasts So here's his two cents on this prayer breakfast masculinity is dying

Pints and psalms singing masculinity is growing. This is good. No, I'm not saying that prayer breakfasts are wrong However, it's worth noting that prayer breakfasts were initially started by women and later adopted by men It's a feminine expression of spirituality that shaped a generation of men that prayer breakfasts were initially started by women and later adopted by men. It's a feminine expression of spirituality that shaped the generation of men. Today, many men are re-evaluating church practices and seeking more masculine expressions of their faith. Activities like singing psalms and raising pints in the public square resonate more with the warrior spirit of men, and that's a positive shift. So basically what he's saying is is that

your wife might get mad at you for waking up first thing as the rooster crows and drinking beer and screaming you know Ephesians and Timothy at her but she in her feeble female mind can't comprehend that this is how men build stronger relationships with God. Is drinking beer early in the morning and yelling Bible verses. Isn't that right Thomas? That's right. I do that in my side B while I drive home from work. In my side B. Well I'm texting my wife tummy tea recipes in order to get her to lose some more weight. Yeah. I've been having them do liposuction while she's asleep

Which is very dangerous She wakes up in a lot of pain patches all around Drives to work on hydrocodone. They don't know she gave they she was given anyway But all this is say Guys, I know a lot of you have been spiritually lost lately After the death of Thomas Crooks or whatever but um change will come and change will And change will come fast yes change will come all around us. Yes.

100%. What do you think of that, Jake? I'm really just excited that I was just reading some more of this guy's amazing work and basically he was saying that eating eggs and bacon and drinking beer is a part of Christianity and Christianity has been effeminized and so we got to eat more eggs and bacon we got we got to drink more brown beer when we read the Bible and otherwise we're engaging in spirituality in spirituality in an effeminate way right and you know I... sometimes I think I've lived my life the wrong way.

Here's something from Sovereign Bra. Uh, B-R-A-H. You know what I mean? Uh, every pretty Christian girl I've spoken to in the past year has the same complaints about dating. They want to be wives. But the single men at their church aren't masculine, and they never get asked out. Guys, if you want a pretty wife you got to get you got to put yourself out there you know what I mean? You got to if you want a Christian woman to bear you five sticky sons that will grow to hate you and love

roblox can't get that by keeping that mouth shut. Right after y'all do communion you go right up to her and you say do you want to be my broodmare? You know what I mean Thomas back me up on this. Do you want to be my state-sponsored? receptacle Absolutely, you know I mean and women respond positively if they do respond to that and if they don't they're probably woke Liberals who have they probably never they're gonna live their whole life outside of the side be verse Yeah, they're not gonna get a chance to suck Christian Whitecock, which is literally a woman's spiritual obligation Yeah, if there's a white cock nationalists, yeah God damn, amen brother. And if you want to fucking restore your masculinity because you've lost it because you're a fucking

soy woman with a fucking soy husband and your eggs are all dried up and your balls look like little fucking marbles. If you want your balls to be so goddamn big that it causes everyone around you to lose faith in a loving God. And if you want your eggs to be so glowing red with babies that you have a hundred babies per second, you want to go over to patreon.com slash Pendejo time and tosses one dollar or five dollars or ten dollars. One dollar get you access to the discord.

It's really fucking awesome in there and everybody in there loves each other and they're really nice. Genuinely, I love those guys. They're all great. Shout out to the Pendejo's Palace. But you don't get any bonus episodes with one dollar a month. What the fuck do I look like? I'm fucking running a goddamn charity. Five bucks a month gets you access to the Discord plus an entire backlog of bonus EPS PLUS a bonus episode every week. Ten bucks a month get you all that stuff plus a backlog of bonus video episodes as well as a bonus Video episode a month

But if you don't get that kind of cheese you can head over to our YouTube And you can check out our entire backlog of free video episodes as well as our sketch big fat frog That YouTube is pendejo time worldwide go give that shit a fucking checker out also shameless plug on the YouTube channel is my Mini special thing I just dropped Jake Rhodes at the dang Velveeta room. I filmed it when I was doing stand-up with Ben It's 15 minutes who's got who's got time to watch a fucking hour-long set anymore Go check that shit out and give it a damn thumbs up or a thumbs down, you know, whatever don't do that

That'd be bad. But uh What else today's the last day the pre-order get that **** out and give it a damn thumbs up or a thumbs down. You know, whatever. Don't do that. That'd be bad but what else? Today's the last day to preorder No Paz. I think. Yes. Yeah. It's the last day to order. Please preorder if you haven't Matt Christman of Chapo Trap House is no pas

a book on the Spanish Civil War. Everything you've come to know and love about Matt's style of historical understanding and knowledge is in that book and all the proceeds will go to his recovery as his family and him work their tireless butts off for his recovery. You got any shows coming up, Tommy Tone? No, Tuesday, election night, November 5th, at Little Field, I will be seeking arrangements

and friends covering the United States presidential election with live updates and such. Swag. Tickets are low for that, they might be sold out, but they are probably still some available so get those while you can They got some real funny people Patrick Doren will be there ivy woke And anybody else that you wanted to assassinate from Twitter, so come by and see us I'll be at the Velveeta room November 3rd and I'll be at the Creaking Cave November 12th and I'll be at Lucy's Comedy Club in New Bronsville, Texas. Oh, yeah. November

29th. What else? I think that's it for now. That's on the 29th. Um I'll be doing stand up that one and then Lucy's Comedy Club. I'm on their showcase for the twenty ninety Lucy's Comedy Club dot kill. Let's go. Let's go. Thanks motherfuckers and happy Halloween everybody. Get spooky Halloween. Get boo boo. Get loopy with it. Get spooky with it. Pull your fucking white cock out and get soupy with it.

All right. Bye bye.