Pendejo Time - Austin Sucks [FT. Myke Dede] - AUDIO ONLY

Episode Date: June 29, 2025

We gotta get rid of this city.    This is the audio from my video episode with the very funny Myke Dede. Watch that HERE please. You can catch him on the road with Mullen, performing all over Austin and the country. Catch his very funny Don't Tell set on his IG: @cantguardmyke    Subscribe to the show at Patreon.com/pendejotime 

Okay. One second. Three, two, one. What's up, Mike? What's up, brother? Thanks for having me at your place. Dude. How do you uh, how do you like the place? Give me an honest vibe of my place. Okay. Um. You uh, the, okay, so when I drove past and you lived at Zilker, I was like, this is cool because whenever me and my fiancee, we drive past this area, she's always like, Oh, I wonder if just white people live here. I'm the one black. I when that lady, she accosted me because I tried to get in behind her at the fucking at the fucking door. And she literally gave me one of these. She had one of those shitty white dogs that lives to be like 200 years old. Yeah. And she was like, no, no, no, no.

And I was like, first of all, did she like a bunch of work done? She's the scrubs. I bet she's. I know exactly you're talking about. Yeah, OK. So you know what I'm talking about. And she was like, no. She told you no.

I was like, what do you mean? We were talking about it. I got distracted. She was just like, no. And I was like, I shook the. I was like, I have the thing. And she's like, then use it. And I was like, oh, you don't understand how to just do a favor for anybody.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. This is to be afraid of living in Austin is so funny to me. It's hilarious. No one is coming to rob you here. Nobody. No, not in this place.

To say, oh, we got robbed. No one got robbed here. What happened is someone came into the, someone did come into like the the gate one time they got stuck there and then that's all it was. She was she said that somebody we were on the elevator together yeah and she was like somebody broke in here they had an ankle monitor on. Oh yeah that totally happened. For sure. I was like first of all I got some good friends in my life that wear ankle monitors they're good men. I mean second of all yeah I uh. That doesn't mean they were criminals. I don't know people wear ankle monitors for a're good men. I mean, second of all, yeah, I, uh, that doesn't mean they were criminals. I don't know.

People were angle monitors for a lot of different reasons. It's not just straight up. I'm going to rob you. I love this place, dude. This is a sick spot. I don't know. My, I know my neighbors kinda, but everyone on this, this, uh, this row is kind of cool. There's a guy who's like a PhD in aerospace engineering or something like that. And then homegirl right here, she's kinda cool. This girl's a lawyer, she's kinda funny. And then I think there's these two gay guys that live there.

And they play that gay anthem, that, ride it, I'm on Chamorro. Beautiful. Yeah, that's like, dude, that's the new Whitney Houston for gays. Austin gay guys, there's a certain brand of them that are like, the only thing that's progressive about them is that they're homosexuals

They're like crazy racist. They're like very classes. They're like they're too rich now. Oh, dude Yeah, when I was I stayed in West Hollywood when I was in LA and I that was all that's out there They look incredible. Yeah skins flawless great They're all they look great, but they're all like they look at you and they're like they're objectively evil. Yeah Their souls have been corroded by like, That's so funny. New money, dude. Like, The new gays, that's what's funny about it.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. They're like, I can't, I don't know, all I've ever known is like, like drug addict gays. Yeah. And so they have a little bit of like an edge to them where like they, you know, but I'm not used to this new,

Every, this is how I feel like, this is how you know gay people have like they have like all of their rights is that I've because when I was in school every gay guy I met was the funniest person ever yeah but now I meet gay guys who are not funny and I'm like oh you guys you have all your rights now you know what I mean oh for like like blur it's don't exist without like without black people having a set amount of rights like I can't have any blurts you know you can't have any non-funny gay guys unless there's like no fear of growing up like it's too welcoming oh no they grew up in like Gorglee was a thing and it's like oh you know we're not fighting too much

you know you can have an unfunny just a mean gay yeah yeah well like millennial musical theater gays are like top-tier nice gay guys yeah and then you have like oh my Porsche gays and you're like oh my Porsche I always joke with my Thomas my co's were like you meet it like a really mean gay guy and you go you know what maybe my dad was right god damn like you can't have an ad I guess you can yeah that's how I feel about uh cuz I only know two non-binary people and they both owe me money Like mad I don't like those guys man, yeah my god, that's so that's hilarious Xander and Frank man, I don't like Xander is Frank is not as a surprisingly not a non-binary name

Yeah, but Zander for sure Zander for sure I do feel like if you're non-binary you owe me a little bit of androgyny I'm sure I could be wrong about that. I well every every Progressive worldview I have had is come from a place where I was not that as a child and a teenager Mm-hmm. And so I like I'm like what will happen is my family will like I'll see something and the first thing that happens in my mind is my dad goes uh-uh and then I have to go wait your inner monologue is your dad going mmm exactly and I have to go wait a second

why did he just say that why did his ghost possess my body to go I don't know I love that your dad dad, the homoph... It's like when you're playing Pokemon and Professor Orb tells you you can't do something, just you try to walk into the grass without getting a Pokemon first. That's your dad subtly being homophobic. Yeah, yeah. He's like, look man, they can live around, but they can't make too much noise. You're like, oh, okay, there it is.

I remember, dude, that had a really awkward interaction I had a I used to throw these like I lived in South Austin We thought these big like house shows those big parties. Yeah, and I had a Trans-man hopped up on T start a fistfight with me fuck drunker than the day is long And I like there was a moment in my mind where I was like, what am I? What do I do? Yeah, what do you you know what I mean? And then like and then I was like, well, you can't You got a fight for equality And and then anyway, it was a short thing it wasn't like a crazy knockdown drag-out thing

But then like after that a couple people who were at the party were like that wasn't cool And I was like, he? He started the fight. He threw a glass at my head, dude. That wasn't cool. Right. That wasn't fucking cool. Jake, what are you doing, dude?

You don't know about the systemic inequalities. I'm not throwing glass into your. Right, right, right. But then I was like, you know what? If my diet, if I went from just being biologically biological and then I get hopped up on fucking Miller Highlife and testosterone Maybe I start throwing shit type shit. I do feel like I feel like trans people are really cool. I Feel like we view them incorrectly because like I think it'd be a really cool way to like Get some peace and harmony between the sexes. There's all these big gender wars shit, but if you talk to anyone who's trans and they

finally get all the emotions, or not the emotions, but they get like, all right, I'm on estrogen now. They're like, all right, well, I'm crying all the time now. I feel these feminine emotions. Or if you know someone who is transitioning to a man, they get testosterone. They're like, fuck, man, I'm horny as fuck. You know? And so I just think that since we know this,

I do feel like men and women should, we should see that and be like, oh, it's just chemicals. Like, she's crying because she's got a bunch of chemicals, I'm horny because I got a bunch of chemicals. We can't control it. We're fighting 10,000 years of evolution that just say, you fuck, you cry, you fuck, you cry, this is what it is. 100%. yeah like I I remember like after the fight thinking

that same thing where I was like okay like I was mad about it and then like there was like some fallout socially after I was like okay I'm sorry whatever but then I was like one day I was literally like drive home and I was like my brain was like how many times have you gotten coked out of your mind, drunk as shit, and just started throwing stuff? I was like- He was just being a bro. Yeah.

He was totally just being a bro. He was like- It was gender affirming to have that fist fight with me. It was like- It's like, oh, we couldn't be, I thought we were being cool right now. You need to punch me. It'll make me, it'll do this thing for me that I need to happen. It's hilarious.

Yeah, dude. That was an after. I remember afterwards, like I had so many I saw like a podcast like maybe like a year later, maybe think of it where it was one of those stupid kind of like this one, but not so little bit better. I'll give the show a little bit credit where the guy was like, would you how would you approach a fistfight with a trans man? And the other guy was like, I just hit him over the head with something. I was like see that's the path I took yeah it wasn't it wasn't the wrong one um I do wanted to say though before we move past it oh yeah I love the place thank you uh it's very nice um I like this area a lot and uh

I'll always live like south uh South Austin and I like and neighborhoods that were usually like Habitat for Humanity and Project 8. Project 8? Project 8. What is it? Oh, it's Tony Hawk, Section 8. Project 8 is a Tony Hawk game that I've been playing. Section 8 and dude, somebody died like right in front of my house. There was like a drug deal gone wrong and the other guy chased him with a car. Jesus. in front of my house there was like a drug deal gone wrong and the other guy chased him with a car Jesus and they crashed he drove his car into the woods

by the house and crashed and flipped a car holy shit yeah and after that right in front of the woods slowly the Cholos built like an altar to him over the course of like several years okay and it started off with like you know the candles they got the saints on them. And then over time, it grew to like a barbecue pit. And then it became like just a cooler of beer that was always full, that was all their car. A lower truck. Yeah. And I would come out there sometimes like drunk and I would like they were

I would be like, hey, man, I'm sorry about your friend. They'll be like, thank you, homie and I'll be like you're welcome, man And they're like they would hand me like a modello We would just sit there and they would just tell me about their friend and I was like I don't know if I ever got a bunch of money if I could not live in a place like this I feel so what I grew up in I guess as my father would say the body Oh my parents And so I'm like I have I'm so in tune with the culture here that I need to, I can't leave it, man.

I feel like, kind of the same, where it's like, if I lived in Houston, I know I would probably just like move back to Fifth Ward. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, I don't wanna, when I first moved to Austin, I had like this really big ass place, and it was massive, and I was like, I don't like this. Because then you're just buying shit to fill it up, and it's like, I don't really relate to these people like this really big ass place and it was massive and I was like I don't like this Mm-hmm cuz then you're just buying shit to fill it up

And it's like I don't really relate to these people like this for sure I eat a lot and I walk a lot I'm more of an urbanist dude. I'm a New York guy I don't want to be in the suburbs discuss me they fucking kill my soul just to fucking drive 15 minutes into a subdivision and Then you come out and like well, I guess we're gonna eat at fucking Johnny Carino It's where you go when you want to like turn your brain off, you know Yeah, you want to go to you want to eat crumble cookie? No, we're gonna eat it fucking Jimmy Chang's and then we're gonna fucking I guess drive 20 minutes home Pastor retention pond that you can't swim in that kills animals because it's just like we you know

Like weed killer and stuff No, I love it though dude like my friends that have kids they just get all sucked up out there And I'm like this is this the drive into your subdivision fucking broke my spirit. Uh-huh. Yeah, it makes me sad I don't I don't want to ever like I tell them I tell my wife like like She's like you know I told her I was like I don't ever live in the suburbs right now We live in a in a small college town, like 30 minutes south of here. But we live downtown in the college town. It's downtown. There's no skyscrapers.

It's just like a square of bars and a bunch of old buildings. We live above one of the bars. Oh, yeah. I'm like, if we move back to Austin, I'm not living like where I used to live, which was in the suburbs. I was like, it sucked so bad. First of all. Yeah. I want to I don't want to drive drunk. I was like, it sucked so bad. First of all, I don't want to drive drunk. I will. I will do it and I have done it. I want to stumble home drunk. Yeah, right. That's what I do when I go to New York and do spots or go to any big city. It's so much fun being drunk in New York. Dude, that's awesome. You feel like you feel

I get why kids move to and go to NYU and then just never leave. It's just amazing. Being drunk in New York is like, oh wow, I get to go on a subway and rock myself to sleep. Like, that's so much fun. Yeah, yeah. Or like, I just get to like, I'm walking home 30 minutes, which I would never do in Texas because I have to walk down a feeder road past like, yeah, a strip mall that's a dense like blows your head open or something like that. It'd be fucking, oh my God. Yeah, and then in New York

It's like okay these two Dominican guys are about to stab each other. There's a great restaurant There's entertainment you can get sidetracked in New York going home drunk you like Yeah, let's just fucking get a little glizzy. I love about Chicago same way same way my goal This is my goal so when I started stand-up I started standing about 23 and My goal this is my goal so when I started stand-up I started standing I was 23 and My goal was to do it until I was 30 so that'd be seven years of stand-up either move to England and then become big in England and then come back over here like Patrice O'Neill Tom Rhodes style Oh, yeah, or I was gonna move to Chicago become a fat guy comment Yeah, I was gonna Bruce Bruce it up there dude Dude, dude, moving to Chicago gaining like 300 pounds

and being a fat funny Chicago guy. Just a fat fuck dude. One of those black humps with a towel on there. Yeah, I'm sitting down but I'm still sweating. Nonstop, 30 minutes of just straight killing up there. The room is like 60 degrees. It's one of those comedy clubs that's like 55 in there. Yes, and I'm murdering. I'm in a three-piece suit with a chain wallet.

You're wearing like the suit from the mask. From the mask, yeah. With a fucking bowler hat. I saw Ralphie was a Houston guy. Ralphie May. Me and my mom, my mom doesn't know anything about stand-up except that it's evil and it's not Christian, but she loved Ralphie May. We would go see Ralphie at the Houston Afuqua. I think it's the was at the Houston. No, that's the joke.

Joint comedy show. Joke joint. Yes. OK. He's just rest in peace to that place. Yeah. Oh, fuck. We would go see Ralphie May do like half an hour there. And dude, that club was one of those where it was like, dude, yeah. It'd be like 55 degrees in there because it was all old people. Yeah. And Ralphie would go up there like you were saying, huge dicky shorts, but they were the ones that went down to like

mid ankle sweating, dude. And I was like, that's amazing. He's the guy. It was like him and Carlin where I was like, OK, I'm from Texas, so I'm going to be a fat guy. But I like, yeah, I'm like a political guy. So I'm going to be a Carlin. I'm going to be a fat Ralphie. Carlin did it so good. Then I realized a fat Ralphie Carlin. It is so good

Then I really I really still doing carlin like monologues. We're talking fast, but he's out of breath by the end I'm the I'm the modern man Now the cheeseburgers. Yeah, you don't hood it up though Yeah, it's perfect he fucking like I remember thinking like, and I'm sure maybe he thought the same way about Stand up like when I would when I started I guess not just being a micro like Moving up you like hang out with guys in the green rooms that their lives are Falling the fuck apart. They are in every physical way and I'm being like 19 and I was like I can't wait Yeah, to be like a fat pillhead. That's so funny because most of the the people I met, they had their shit together. Really? And it would always like scare me a little bit.

I'm like, oh, once I get there, I'll be a family man. But this is like this was like 2015. And that was like before the tick tock boom, where the idea of like so many comics being out, being able to sell out theaters was insane. Yeah. Like you were just gonna be a road comic and like people would come and see you in town cause they trusted the club to book. Yeah.

The club was the thing that kind of verified you. Comedy Central kind of verified you. The whole thing of like being a draw just for yourself, that was kind of, I think that was a, that's a new thing that kind of started, I think maybe 2018, 2017. But it used to just be like, yo, I know they're gonna be good. The club is always good. Let's just find someone. And it was the same kind of started I think maybe 2018 yeah but it used to just be like yo I know they're gonna be good the club is always good let's just find someone and it was the same

kind of conservative act you weren't gonna offend too many people or anything like that but if you were gonna do any kind of crazy shit you had your own then you that you could sell out yeah I don't know you meet these guys and had homes and shit they had wives or whatever I fucking like hanging out with comics you like or adults like they had oh dude me too. Well, cause like there's, I always tell, you know Sean Gardini. Yeah. Yeah.

I always tell Sean like when I, cause he'll come off the road and well, I'll meet him at Creek and he'll be like, yeah, just got off the road, man. Just had a little too much fun. Excellent Gardini impression. Thanks. And then I'll be like, yeah, I just got back from Seattle

and I like need to drink water and eat salad or I'm gonna die and I That part is fun. But then to your point, I do like hanging out with guys. They're like, it's like 1130 man And I'm like and and cuz I have I have like I have the impulse control of like a saltwater crocodile If there's more than two guys in the group, they're like, let's go out. Yeah, then I'm like, yeah What am I gonna go to the hotel and go to sleep? But that's why I love doing like showcases or spots with people that are like, yeah, man, let's grab some food.

And I think I'm going to turn in. It's like I'll turn it into a stupid ass like walking around Chicago 5 a.m. like, which is fun. It's fun. But it's like I can't when you do that, like I'm trying to think of longevity. You really can't do that, like for two weeks in a row. No, you can't. And when I I've met people that do that, like I'm trying to think of longevity. You really can't do that, like for two weeks in a row. No, you can't. And when I I've met people that do that, like guys like Stav, they're like they'll go on the road for like a month.

And I never never met him personally. Everybody knows he's gone on the road with him. It's like, oh, yeah, it's just a constant thing. And you're like, I don't know how the fuck I can't do it. You know, some people are built different. It's true. I'm not. Yeah. If I'm cuz I did from October all the way until I think mid

Jane mid-january, then I had to fly out again because I record it Um, I was like gone every weekend that was driving me fucking insane. Yeah, I was like, I'm losing my mind right now Like I can't I'm like actively losing my mind. I gotta be home. I'm more of a more of an inside guy He's like this places. Yeah. No, this place is max couch. It needs to be set on at least 20 hours a week, dude Yeah, this is one of those where you're like, oh if you have people over you can take the guest room No, I'm sleeping on this. Yeah, this is one of those. I love it I love having people over and they just want to stay the night. I'm like, yeah take the couch I'll pull up a mattress more of an inside guy. I feel you. This was I like Take the couch up a mattress more of an inside guy. I feel you. This was I like

Hmm. I live in both worlds. I got one foot in one foot out my my wife has definitely made me more of an inside cat But I go out Like do you know that do you know the TV show Vanderpump rules? Yeah, the reality TV show when I was in West Hollywood last weekend I stayed like by all those places like say like so all the restaurants and bars that they'll work at Yeah, and she insisted because it's one of her favorite shows She's like you have to go to all of them And I was like I'm telling you right now if you take me to a bunch of like gay bars from TV They're making me go then I'm just gonna party while I'm here Yeah, because there's you don't go like I went to all the clubs and sure enough as sure as I fucking know

I walked and I was like I just got a beer and they were like, what? And I was like, OK, give me a yes. Yeah. Give me a huge gay cocktail. That's like it's called a huge gay cocktail. Yeah, yes. Yeah. And I have the big gay pink drink, please. And it's really it's delicious. It's it's delicious.

And then, yeah, I just for four days, I just wandered around like West Hollywood, just like piss drunk. And I was like I'll get a fly home on Monday yeah and that flight home is like you know plus we have day jobs I think day jobs for comics are good things I think it keeps you because I feel like when you're relying too much on it if you're not like selling out places and you're like comedy is my job I'm trying to live off comedy I feel like it puts you in a place of like survival mode.

Yes. And that can't be good. Nope. I don't think that can be good for you at all. Like I love how I do, I love how I approach comedy now. It's like, if I quit comedy, my life would be 20 times better. Yeah.

I just know it like, oh, you mean I get to save all of my money and like, I don't have to hang out with Coke heads all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not flying. And I can go to bed at eight. Yeah, I'm not buying plane tickets for every fucking year. Yeah, it'd be so great.

But I do it because I love it and I enjoy it. And I like the people I meet like this is sick as shit. But yeah, dude, I think you need a job and like to talk to normal people, keep you grounded. Yeah. Come up with some shit because otherwise, I mean, I don't need to be that person where I'm like. Just out, because I will be out the. I to be that person where I'm like. Just out. So we'll be out the.

I think there's two like I think the environment, you made a point about Houston being a little bit more level headed. Like when I go to Houston, there's definitely people in that scene that are like wild boys. Yeah, for sure. So it's up to Patrick Eady. I literally Patrick Eady is he's been on the show. Yeah, him and Jamal Rahal have been on the show.

It's funny. They I they came down here and did my did my show and we did. They did a spot in Austin. They are incredible hangs. Yeah. If I had Patrick Eady's voice, I'd be I'd be famous by now. Not Patrick Eady's voice, I Jamal Rahal's voice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful voice. He's got a classic like he belongs on a mic. Mm hmm. But I think that I think the scene in Austin and I thought this about when I play in music, too.

Austin cultivates an arrested development in people who aren't creative in any way. By creative, I mean music or stand up. When I just worked downtown at a creative agency, the people there, it would be 430 They would cut out early and they would go to happy hour and that was to be Tuesday be pissed drunk by 8 p.m And I'm like, yeah, and then but when I live in town, it was like well you said yeah, those people existed But it's like Houston's too big to be doing all that. There's no

Yeah, you've got a 45 minute drive home at best. You gotta take your ass home Tomfittish like dude when I moved to Austin Austin it was crazy. I was 18 and I was like This is one of those cities were like do you it's Tuesday and the bar is packed and it's 10 in the morning I some when I summered here. I drink more than I'd probably yeah, I haven't drank like this since I was in college Uh-huh. Yeah, and it's just Slam like you're slamming them back. Yep. I do I do I. I don't know. I'm I worried because I know I'm going to move to New York in November. Oh, you know, yeah, it all planned out and everything. I'm worried about how much I'm going to drink there because a big reason

why I don't drink is I'm very afraid of drinking and driving, like terrified of it. And the fact that like I know I'm not going to have a car and I love being drunk on the subway. It's awesome. I'm going to it's going to be a problem. Yeah. When my buddy moved from Fort Worth to New York, he just passed his first year, and he told me literally maybe like two months ago, the other host of the show,

he does stuff up there, films the show. I'll connect you all. Yeah, connect, I love that point. And he was Sam, I was like, dude, every month he would tell me, he was like, I've been going to this damn same bar, corner bar over in Queens And I have no money and I go every day because he's like he's he does have a day job, but

This is mostly like what he does. You know what I mean? And so it's like yeah, it's neat. It's like you just take you don't got to drive drunk Yeah, the last time I went we found a bar I was with I don't know if you know Zah Devji and Andrew Youngblood shows out to them. Andrew Youngblood I love those guys, but we went to Devji and Andrew Youngblood. Shout out to them. Andrew Youngblood, yeah man. Love those guys But we went to some bar and it was owned by like Haitians and they gave us they were like Do you like mojitos? And I was like, yeah, I love mojitos. He's like, I'm gonna make you the best me though You have had in your life. He made me five

Five mojitos and I was like I drank three of them and I was like is this guy trying to fuck? You don't just make a man five mojitos without charge. I was like, am I going to owe this guy some ass, dude? Like, these are so good. He put honey in there and shit. I was like, this is great. That's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, I blew him. I'm just kidding.

No, yeah, hey, look, man, it passed a certain point. You're like, all right, I got to fucking. Yeah, I got to. I got to at least flirt with the guy. I got to be a good hang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah You can't take the five minutes. You're like, all right, sir Goodbye good travel. So yeah that whenever I go to a place and always like when I moved here, I Guess I don't know if the city chilled out or if I did but it was like the first four or five years man I was like this this isn't sustainable and not just I mean for me personally. Yeah, but, I was like, this this isn't sustainable. And not just I mean, for me personally.

Yeah. But the city can't sustain this like permanent vacation. Like because it was like it's almost like I felt I got to the point with it where I was like, what? I've heard people talk about L.A. like this because everybody's parents are millionaires. But like most people I met, like they were just like transplants, but they came from somewhere, their parents, whatever, it was their money.

I think we're like millennials around the same age. I think around the time that I moved here, it was during that bubble where if you had a college degree in graphic design or I don't know. They had a spot for you. Dude, you could work at Uber's just starting, or you could work at one of those agencies that did the advertising for Uber. Yeah. And you can make like two hundred thousand dollars a year

and you work like three hours a day. Yeah. And that was like everybody that I knew that was I hate. I fucking missed on that bubble, dude. Dude, it was on that. It was bad. I missed on the housing bubble. Me too. Yeah, we fucked up on that. I hate when when people that are like older than me, my my my mom will be like, why don't you buy a house? And I was like.

When I in 2010, when I was 14, 15 years old, OK, I guess I didn't do that because our house was getting foreclosed on because the housing crisis just. Yeah. Do you not remember that you fucking? Dude, yeah, yeah, no, I like I can't. Like I that's the one thing that I'm like, you know, I've got an old lady got a ball and chain. We talk about it. I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know if it's I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to have a house. Yeah, no, it's just because again, we just talked about it. I don't want to live in. I don't want to live in fucking Summerwood in Houston No, so I don't you know, I'm living Baytown. Oh god Jesus Sounds like hell. Do you live in Deer Park, Texas? Like no, I'm good Pasadena was like 15 minutes from the city. That was like About I lived there and it was like right in the outskirts of when I think it's acceptable to be far away from the city

Yeah, you know but uh no and then when you but I wouldn't you go to New York or like we do a lot of shows in Chicago it's like weirdly enough like our biggest city. Yeah, and I'm like, oh, this is a really nice like brownstone walk-up It's like 15 minutes from the city. How much is this 2.8 million dollars? Let me kill myself. Yeah, awesome You know what I mean? Okay, I gotta marry rich dude. Oh, yeah for sure I gotta find a rich girl who like loves my personality. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, awesome. You know what I mean? Okay. I gotta marry rich dude. Oh yeah, for sure. I gotta find a rich girl who like loves my personality. Yeah. It's hard. Yeah. Yeah, I've dated a couple of them. They don't... This is fun for a little bit. This is like, oh my god, you just...

You go in front of people? Yeah. And you Bohemian? Yeah. And then like three years later it's like, oh you're still... Doing it. You're still... Is it working? I think so. Yeah, I think you're still doing it. You're still is it working? I think so. I think it's working pretty good. I mean, I don't know. It's just great.

The amount of like when my set with Don't Tell came out, the amount of like ex girlfriends that refollowed me. I was like, that's all it took was like a good a good video of the same bits I've been doing for a little while. That's all it took. Or you can't say that. a good video of the same bits I've been doing for a little while. That's all it took. Whore. Yeah, can't say that, though. No, no, I think I think you can.

I think it's fine because that's how some people are wired. Yeah, dude. Like this is this is the phone is the movies. Yeah. Yeah, I that was something that it took me a long time to realize. Well, like nobody goes to the movies really anymore. The phone is the movies. And that's a good point.

Yeah. On the phone screen, like more than once, like a clip of mine or the pod will go viral. Yeah. And then like real viral. And then somebody that I, you know, like from back in the day, we're like, oh, dude, I didn't even what the hell, like, what are you doing? Like, this is great. Well, how's this?

This is cool. This is so cool to see. And I have to like, like, oh, this is the movies now. Yeah. This is what this is. Like, I know and I have to like like oh, this is the movies now Yeah, this is what this is like I know that sounds like you're overselling your own abilities like it doesn't because like again for the past couple of months I've been posting more and put more clips out Yeah, and people have been hitting me up from out of like that of we I haven't talked in years

Like oh wow, you're blowing up. Yeah, like I'm not doing shit. I'm doing the same shit I was doing it's just that now I have the the movies like it is Yeah, you look more firm you have all those likes next to your stand-up. You have these likes next to your clips I'm not doing shit. I'm doing the same shit I was doing. It's just that now I have the movies like it is. You look more firm. You have all those likes next to your stand up. You have these likes to your clips. I'm like, I'm the same person I was. I just needed someone to like believe in it. Yeah, that and like, um, I dude, I was anti the phone posting clips.

Me too. For like the first 10 years that I did spots. Yeah. Well, I mean, we were doing stand up before it was a thing, but like around 2020, it was just like you had. That's when I regret so much not not doing it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wasn't doing stand up then at all. But like if I was, you should have just been posting then. If you weren't posting, if you didn't start then, I think you've kind of like you've missed that train. Oh, for sure.

To get viral. But I mean, so much of it now is just you just got a post baby post five times a week, and I'm just like I don't I I'm on the phone too much and also too. I wasted I talked to Thomas about this too I wasted all of my fucking energy on Twitter Which like dude ten years ago if you were funny on Twitter you could get a writing job Yes, that's the way that it worked like and I and I was like and in my mind I was like I'm just gonna post on this stupid fucking thing all goddamn day. And then, you know, maybe one day I'll write for fucking SNL or something.

Yeah, that train fucking left the building when Instagram and TikTok, like because it was like, you know, being put on Twitter is like nothing. At this point, it's nothing. It's nothing. I think that's why I like it now. Well, because like I was just talking to somebody, I guess, L.A. industry type that I was like, yeah, you know, I mean, like, that's where most of my following is. He's told me, he's like, nobody gives a fuck about.

He's like, first of all, no one cares. Second of all, it's owned by like a complete psychopath. So like it's a Nazi app at this. Yeah, dude, like, oh, you're funny on the app where people post like Hitler fan cams, like you're popular on the app where people post like you know like Hitler speeches set to like nine inch nails? Yeah. Yeah that's awesome. How did you what do you post? There's nothing but just race science on there right now. It's just every video I see is just like a white guy in front of he's holding a microphone next to two white girls and

be like so why do you like black guys? Oh dude they're using slurs that I haven't even heard before. Yeah they're inventing insane new slurs. I heard the term mud shark the other day I was like what what is that mud shark is a good one. I think it's like mud blood. Okay. Yeah Yeah, but you but you like black guys. That's what it is that one There are certain slurs that to me are so old that they that it's not bad. It's bad to say them. Yeah. And like like moon cricket. That one. I would see that. I was like, I got to be careful.

But no, my my granddad used to say that one. And I was like, what the fuck is that? So I would go and Google it. And it was like a term from like the Great Depression. That's so funny. And I was like, can I? And it's like, no, I think I'm going to keep that. I didn't keep that one in the pocket.

Just not going to say that one at all. Yeah. They used to let the slurs fly. Who you? No, no, just like back in the day, that was just crazy. Oh, oh, yeah. You just oh, you just a white people. Yeah. You could just wake up and just stand on your porch, just drop a couple slurs. And go back. My family never changed, brother. My family never fucking changed, dude.

There was no Netflix. You could just stand on your porch, you know, go down the list and just rattle a couple off. I'm like, all right, I'm going to start the day now. Dude, my, I always like joke on the show. Like my family, especially like my mom's side, they're like old school South people. Like they don't, I don't think my uncle has a TV in his fucking trailer hell and he is just like the most racist the fattest

That's so whatever you think in your mind about like a like a and I don't mean low class necessarily an insult But like a low socioeconomic status white person in the south. That's what he is. God, that's so funny, dude. He I think it's funny when people like that don't like black people. Dude, I'm like, you I'm like, you won, dude. You got it. I'm like, first of all, dude, like you, like all of our neighbors were Hispanic and black. Maybe that's why that he hated them so much. I don't know, because it's like if you're white,

maybe you have this thing in your head where it's like this world like was made by people that look like me, and I'm hanging out with fucking Carlos What the fuck you know I mean I I never thought like that But like I like my people in my that it lit like they were just always so racist so hateful or whatever the fuck Yeah, and so I like I grew up around that and I remember like dude. I moved to Austin in 18 and I I've been doing a bit about this was like, I only thought there was one type of gay guy, which was just twink.

Because in the church, when they talk about homosexuality, it would be like, the guy that would pop in your head would be like the effeminate man. And then I moved to a city that's LGBT friendly, and I would meet gay welders like gay construction guys like gay fucking gay dudes that are so funny they're like Superman they drive motorcycles and shit look cuz I bounced at a bar that was like in there the on 4th Street where all the gay bars are and they just

coming in and out of place I was like that guy doesn't look gay my manager who was gay would be like Jake what is a gay man to you?' And I was like, like 4'11 Filipino, take me like hairless. And he would be like, so you mean like, like a, like a twink? And I was like, yeah, I guess. And they'd be like, okay, so I need you to understand something.

Do you know how a straight man can like work at the gas station and be fat and like, you know, be into like magic, the gathering? And I'm like, yeah. Okay,, there are because gay guys are human beings And I was like but as as cruel as it was I needed someone to explain because I was like oh you guys Just like us Just like me whatever and what if you start breaking out in song what if queers were one of us?

I'm like I'm like doing carols at all the bars. What if gay guys were one of us? No, I appreciate it. I understand your struggle now. This is doing a Wakanda Forever. It's just at a pride parade. Oh, yeah. Just like you guys.

Dude, the Wakanda Forever thing was crazy. That was the politicians doing it. Yeah, that was wild. That was, the politicians doing it? Yeah, that was wild. That was not. Yeah, when I saw Kamala doing that, I was like, I'm gonna kill myself with a gun. When I saw an elected leader, it was like, I feel like 20, this is the thing.

I think Obama's, the last year that Obama was president, 2015 to 2016, I think things in America were so unbelievably good that we kind of just got a little silly. That was when like the flash mobs were a thing and Uber was really cheap and Airbnbs are really cheap and like Obama was like really cool. And then that was when the girl boss feminism was a thing.

A lot of like racial shit that was, it it was pre-me too. You know? Okay I see. And summer 16 Drake was like at P was peeking. The pool parties were the best. The pool parties were the best. Yeah. Everything was cheap. Yeah. Everyone was having a good time. Yeah. And I think we were doing a lot of goofy shit after that and I think we didn't and I think when Trump came we weren't really you know what I mean like I like dude. I get it man I feel like when Trump became president it we needed to become very serious But it was like you ever like have a hard on and your teacher brings you to the the front of the class Oh, yeah, that's what I felt like Trump coming in

Oh, I felt like we were having such a good time that there was no transition between Things are good and now they are bad. It was just if there was no like a gradual Yeah, you know like we knew I feel like that's why no one is like really freaking out now cuz Trump is doing objectively evil shit Yeah, but we knew like Joe Biden had no brains. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's gone. He was mentally We were like this is gonna get bad. Yeah, then Kamala was the nominee. We're like, oh, dude, she's not winning. This is going to be worse. But it was a slow moving train crash. And now Trump is, you know, he's doing his thing. Yeah. Yeah. We knew this was coming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is a lot better. This is a slow fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Where 2016 was just like we were doing

Wakanda forever. Like that was fine. Dude. Yeah. I remember that's a good way. That's interesting way to put it because it's like all of the all of that. We were just talking about like the Austin thing when I was I moved here in 2012. Like I got to see the city like Ubers were four bucks. Yeah. Like, you know, rent was like eight hundred dollars. People don't remember. It was good. Yeah. Yeah. Not that long ago. Things were good.

Well, I think I believe those things were good, but they were on borrowed time because like, yeah, Uber was losing money. Spotify was like running in the red. Netflix was like what? $7. Yeah, yeah. It was too good to be true. Like, yeah, I saw some like big brainiac guy talking to video essay about that specific era about like millennials who are in their early 30s. So people like you and May, you got to you got like a if you I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I. Washer dry. It was beautiful. Yeah, I paid. I, I split a house with three, with three of my friends. It was $1,400. It, we paid like 500 bucks each and it was like, and now I, you,

you put it at a point where I'm like, like that fall, winter 2016, where you're like, you, you're like, Oh, like all of this was not real. No, it was like all like fake money like it they were just it we were just printing shit companies were operating bankrupt and then Fucking grunge gets big again with the youth Trump comes back and you're like, oh fuck. Yeah, dude Can and you know what? I will say this as a guy who I guess is like left of center like

I'm complaining about the Wakanda forever. I would I would sell one of my fucking Family members to go back. I would to summer 2015. I would fucking to we that's the thing I think we we made fun of liberals too hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and we need we gotta go back We had no idea how good we had it. Yeah Yeah, it was cringe. It was so fucking cringe. Dude. I I'd rather have that. Yeah. Of course. Every time I open my app, there's a video of just a white guy measuring skulls on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also he works for the president. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're doing for analogy in the White House. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. There's a guy who like is the deputy chief of staff and he's like, well,

so there's a small little hitch. He's doing the ending scene of Django. Yes. Yeah. In the Oval Office. He's showing it to Trump and Trump is like, hmm, yeah. Interesting. Show it to me again. Can I see it? We're two months away from them banning interracial marriage. Yeah. We had no idea in less than 10 years. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I, a lot of my friends, like we have the same political worldviews. I was telling you, me and JT,T were pretty much like this and sometimes like I cuz I'll find myself making fun of like People on Twitter like like liberals and Instagram types that I'm just like you guys do are fucking clueless. You're fucking clueless

This is never gonna fucking work you lost before you're gonna lose again And then there's a voice in my head that's like you didn't appreciate it when it was here when it was here Yeah, you didn't I I was I was you know, I was had no idea how good we had. Dude, we really, really, really did. Oh, man. I was thinking I was like, I was like, you know what? This is nice. But I'm you know, I was like into the Bernie Sanders stuff and I was like, we need we're not doing enough. We need to be doing more.

And then I was like, why didn't I just drink the beer? Why didn't I just drink the Miller Lite at the pool party, listen to fucking Diamonds dancing? Why didn't I smoke that weed and just think, you know what, you're 23, it's never, you'd have no idea, 10 years later, you're fucked. You're so fucked. Like you're so fucked.

It's over. Oh boy, I would go back, I would even listen to like all, remember, cause that was the same time where like, like, um, I call it mountain white people music Oh stop clap, baby. Yeah. Yeah, it was it was mountain. It was all like yo like they weren't yodeling but it was music You could yodel to yeah. Hey yo, that was what it was. I can't remember the name of these bands. It's fucking Mumford and son Mumford and son go mountain mountain something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah overall sweet. We're not joy Goats. Mountain something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all wore overalls.

Fleetwood Boxes. Mount Joy. There was a big Mount Joy. Yeah. Dude, I made fun of that shit. And I'm telling, I'm with you, dude. I'd go back, dude. I'd go back.

Go to ACL until, I think, 2015. Take a little Molly with a girl named River. Yeah. Just fucking, well, because I remember I made fun of River and her co-op friends. Yeah, I did, too. You guys are rich kids play Cosplaying as socialists. Why didn't that cuz they all work for fucking Facebook now they bought in what do I have a middling stand-up career?

You just I dude I remember when I used to teach philosophy I was gonna masters. Mm-hmm I would talk to my students. We would do this thing There was this guy Robert Nozick and he was this like hardcore libertarian philosopher Yeah, but he had this thought experiment called the experience the experience machine were like it's what matrix was partially based off of it So like you know if you knew There was a machine that if you knew could generate a fake world you could live in it But your sensory experiences are all real, but in your subconscious you knew it was fake Would you hop into it and I would ask the kids and they would go,

some would say yes, some would say no. And they would ask me, Mr. Rhodes, what would you say? And I'm like, I'm getting in that son of a bitch. And I'm going to summer 2015, 2016. I'm going and people were in there young, they were like, well, like to them, they're in their summer 2015, 2016, because they're all Nazis.

They're having the time of their life. It's so crazy, these kids are like all Nazis. Yeah, all of them, every one of them, even the women, some all Nazis. They're having the time of their life. Yeah, yeah. It's so crazy. These kids are like all Nazis. Yeah, all of them, every one of them. Even the women, some of the women. When you meet a Republican woman, I'm like, oh, I feel like I'm super left, super woke, super progressive.

Yeah, I totally support women's rights and all this stuff, but when I meet a conservative woman, I'm like, that's so unladylike. Shut up, bitch. Can you, oh. What are you? Are you a mechanic? Are you a welder?

Jesus. Yeah. You smoke a cigar or something. Just like, what are you? That's just disgusting. They got like a pantsuit on. They're all dressing like Hillary Clinton. Yeah.

And they're all like, they make fun of her, but they're all rocking her fit. It's disgusting. Yeah, dude. No, like, I'm going summer 2016, and I'm not letting you out. I'm not. You can't let me out. I'm going to Yeah, dude. No, like I'm going I'm going summer 2016 and I'm not letting you out. I'm not not not you can't let me out. I want to repeat, dude. Like, dude, I want to I want on like a hinge date, like long time ago with this girl.

And I don't know the the the inner machinations of the dating apps. A political means conservative. I don't know if you're probably aware. And she had a political on there and I did too, but at the time I was like I Was like really into the communist stuff like I was like running with the protest people and we were doing how much crazy shit So I was just like I'm not gonna put liberal Because again, I didn't appreciate what I had. I thought liberals were morons. Mm-hmm and We like, you know having dinner or whatever and politics comes up

because this is like right before Trump he was in the news he was running but with like 15 other people and yeah she was like oh I hope he wins and I was like do you hope he wins in like it's gonna destroy the economy way like some of my friends or do you hope he wins in like the Mexican sir stinky way yeah she was in the Mexican sir and we were dude up until that point I was like we're having a great dinner and I realized I, yeah, the same thought you have. I was like, I want to hang out with my uncle. I want to get pussy from like my cousin who hates brown people.

That's gross. Yeah, dude. Nasty, nasty. You mean you mean a dude that thinks that way and you're like, it sucks. Yeah, it sucks. But it's like it's kind of manly, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Hating the out group. I get it. But just I don like it's kind of manly. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Hating the out group. I get it. But just I don't know what that is, man. To meet a girl that's Republican, I'm like, God, that's so ugly.

Yeah, it's disgusting. It's the most it's the ugliest thing a woman can be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I would rather you be fat. I'm just kidding. No, no, no, no. That's not nice. I like I. Yeah. No, it's disgusting. Yeah, it really is. And and and you know what?

I this is the cherry on top of it for me They're having this moment now where they're like conservative women are hot and I'm like all of you are busted like fuck They are bus biscuits dude. They are bus. They are you are fucked up You have no idea and I know this clip might get fucking clipped and go viral and you're looking at me and you're going You look like a drug addict and I'm like you'd be correct but I don't I don't claim to be hot yeah I don't claim to be sexy I know what I am that is something that I'm so glad you say that cuz like sometimes I'll be like I think you're ugly girls like well you think you're hot I was like I never said that I know what I I

know what I am yeah yeah I play on my level right exactly you know I'm saying you play I fish with the bait that I want to catch. Right. Like I'm not out here. Hanging out at Erawan, whatever the fuck. No, I'm not batting out of my goddamn league. It's not happening. I take what I can get and I am very appreciative of it. You know, there's nothing better.

I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a guy that's like, he's so bitter because he can't fuck Instagram models. That's like half the in cell movement. Yeah. There's a comedian I really do. He's so funny. He's so bitter because he can't fuck Instagram models. That's like half the incel movement. Yeah, there's a comedian I really do these soap on his Instagram He was like he was joking like he was doing those front-face videos He's like there's plenty of women out there that want to build a life with you But you don't want that you want to fuck Erica that's on the boat, but here's the problem You don't have any goddamn money. You don't have a boat

So stop bitching get your fucking cheddar up go get some pussy like it like it's it's well within your ability To get you can get a better job well Maybe maybe not. I don't know actually I see what they mean, but yeah, no nothing This is where I think this is where I'm at personally cuz like I got a better job I'm an attorney now. I don't want to date those girls on the boat I still want the girl with the sleeve who's like is a bartender. Yeah, and feel you. And that's totally my type. Yeah, that's my so my type. But I don't think they trust me.

Because you made it at the mud. Yeah, I don't think they trust me. They're like, no, you're a turncoat. You're a turncoat. Yeah, I try to talk to the girl with like the the you know, she has like the septum piercing and the gay tattoos. And they're like, no, because you they like you left us. You're a class traitor. Yeah. Like you got health care now. So I'm like, well, you're a class traitor. Yeah, like you got health care now, so I'm like well you can get on my plan. They're like no

I'm trying to let me just get you let me just take you out of here like a baby bird Yeah, yeah No, they don't they really don't trust me I that has been the only thing that I don't like about being an attorney is that cuz that used to clean up I'll go to Houston and go like little Johnny fly by Rockets.. Oh, oh dude, uh, little Danny little Danny's. Yeah Yeah, that'd be really fun. I clean up dude poison girl. Yeah, I clean up at poison girl I can't now though. They smell it on me. Oh, yeah, it's the it's the you have like a skincare routine energy Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm a little too polished. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think Breaks my heart really what cuz it's like well cause I think about this sometimes where it's like...

What... What do I need... Have I really changed all that much? Cause I have a good job now. Most of my life I didn't have a good job. So I just like... But I'm like... Nothing really about me has changed.

I don't really like... I never really cleaned up in that way. I'm still kind of like the same, whatever the... The fuck. But that's why... I feel the same. I feel like the only thing that's changing me is is like I'm a bit I'm less crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I used to just like be completely unmedicated, undiagnosed just while the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, just like flip out on people. Uh huh. Respect. But now I'm cool now. No, I don't do that anymore. Well, you know what?

Here's the bad thing. And this is maybe in the same way on the other side of the spectrum completely of the hot conservative lady. Maybe there is something about the tatted up bartender that is like you, you couldn't, you would bring stability to their life that they don't want. Maybe. Because I remember when I was living that life and anybody that was like, Hey, maybe you should take a shower.

I'd be like, kill yourself. Fucking having a good time over here, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. I've been drunk for two weeks. I haven't, when's the last time I brushed my tea? I don't fucking know, dude. It's fucking wild. No, but I'm like, no, dude, just come hang out with your boy, you know?

I got a couch, it's cozy. Bring that ass over here. Is that your type, tatted up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's my type, but I can't, dude, they don't, I'm telling you, dude, it's like. I met my wife when I had no money, so I think I still had a pass You know I mean hey girl like I don't even I don't like putting I'm a lawyer on hinge or anything

I don't want those girls. I don't want a girl to like me because I'm an attorney I think me being an attorney is the least interesting thing about me facts all it means is that I can read that's all yeah Yeah, that's all that means and I just want a girl who's like, you know, tatted up and, you know, one of like a like a like a dad like the listen, man. It's there's a reason that that is an often often sought after type of person. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like my friends that are girls, they think that like I have run in this bit where it's like every restaurant I worked in, the line cook would be this fat,

tatted up, nasty motherfucker. But his girlfriend would be like a fucking smoke show Yeah, and I'm like now women have the same problem. It's the same thing you see this guy whose life is absolutely Falling the fuck apart and you're like I'm gonna give that guy pussy for five years Yeah, yeah, and then you know your guy you're like I want to I think I want to go out with this girl Who oh is insane? She's insane The bumpers falling off her car. Something about it.

Bald ass Nissan tires. Man, dude, I fucking love it. I fucking love that shit. I feel you dude. Yeah, no, just no health insurance, bitch. That is totally my type man. Flying by the seat of your fucking pants every day. Oh man, she's got an associate's degree in fucking like art

or something. From San Jacinto. She studied education at a state school for six years Yeah, oh my god. Yeah, that's so my type. Yeah. No, I feel you dude. That was my shit, too That's why I got engaged one. She's awesome. I love that dude. Yeah, it's awesome She's been like making me run. I think she's trying to like Get in shape and get healthy. And I'm like and here's my thing. I oscillate between two states.

Either I'm like a like a warrior monk where I like I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't eat bad. I box twice a day. I lift every day. Hell yeah. Or I don't do any of that gay shit.

And I fucking do drugs and I drink alcohol and I fucking stay up to five I knew there was a reason I like it's like to I can't you we're so we're the same. Yeah Yeah, cuz I'm either working out eating clean getting my protein goals more I'm eating McDonald's every single day breakfast lunch and dinner. Yeah, not leaving and I'm probably like, you know brushing my teeth bipolar lunch and dinner. Yeah. I'm not leaving and I'm probably like, you know, brushing my teeth. Are you bipolar? Yeah. Me too buddy. Hey, yeah. What are two? Uh, well, the kind that like I get more sad than I get. Me too. Yeah. Bipolar too. Yeah. The sequel. I, I never put it together. Uh, so every spring I usually go a little crazy. And it's been that way until this year when I realized I was like, oh shit, it's happening. I shut everything down, deleted my Twitter for a little bit, deleted my Instagram,

closed myself up, went hung out with my fam down in San Antonio. Nice. Didn't do anything destructive. Nice. The year before that, though, I did go a little crazy and I tweeted some crazy shit, almost got kicked off a moon tower because because I went a little manic. It was like this host is fucking. I started tweeting crazy shit. Yeah. You know, but then it's also kind of hard

dating like that because like when do you tell a girl like, hey, I might go a little crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to you have to date around the right season. Yeah. And then like no spring flings. No, dude, because in six months, six months is I feel like the appropriate window of time Especially if it's a meaningful six months because you can like fuck somebody for six months Yeah, but if you're really dating like y'all are hanging out

Maybe you went to dinner with the fam three four months in six months is when you get to be like hey, I Am I'm not I don't mean that I don't mean this like I'm a little crazy I mean there's like I'm out of my fucking mind and I've been to the hospital and once a year I don't like leave my mind and I've been to the hospital and once a year I don't like leave my bed. I don't shower. I don't take care of myself You can't find me and it goes away, but it lasts for like 90 days Leasing a car it's just you like you'll get it You get a good mileage out of it, and then the engines gonna act up like once a year

You know I'm the same way dude. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. It's it's crazy. It's a mess. Yeah, it's so crazy. I'd never put that together until I turned like 33. How many how many things have I ruined for myself because I just didn't want to like accept it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, for me, I'm not kidding, man. Like, you know, they say like men's brains like are done cooking by like 2526 around 26 27 if I'm being completely honest, I feel like I woke up Yeah, I feel the exact same. I feel like I literally like I was walking around I offer It was a day. I was at the bar and I was day drunk and I never it was Tuesday I just got fired. I never felt bad about any of that shit. I never had a second thought

I never had a fucking like dude You should really none of that. And then I was walking to go get a beer. And then, dude, it was like, like like colors were brighter. And my something in my brain was like, you have to stop doing that. Yeah. I feel like that happened when I was 27. I was listening to Lord.

Just Royals was playing. You were like, I was listening to Pure Hero about Lord. And. Just Royals was playing and you were like. I was listening to Pure Hair when I was playing and I was like, I gotta get my fucking shit together. What the fuck am I doing, dude? That fucking Lord is in the background. She has no idea she changed my life. Hey dude, whatever it takes, man.

I think it was, you know what was playing? A little bit of chicken fried for me. I don't think I've ever heard that. A little bit of chicken fried. Cold on Friday night. Oh, beer on a Friday night. Yeah. White like uh pushing your kids into the pool too hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, do you want to try

a cookie? Oh, of course, man. Hell yeah. I was hoping so because they're still warm. One second. Absolutely. Yeah, we're about to be. We usually do like an hour or so. So, we're going to be. Yeah. Thanks for making cookies. I was like, I was, I

thought he was making them for the date in a little bit. I am but she's not going to eat all these. No, I don't respect. Hell yeah. **** Yeah, dude. Let's see if these are good. What kind are they? They are supposed to be like Kentucky

butter cake cookie or some **** What's the brand? I don't know. I just like, oh my god, bro. They're't know. I like you guys guys these jokes are coming from a profoundly midwestern and northeastern place because I grew up in the south every white person. I know is fucking 400 pounds overweight and they can cook their ass off, dude I've got family in louisiana. I never understood like oh, yeah Oh like unseasoned, but I was like I remember seeing those memes and I was like is there a different

type of white motherfucker around town? Yeah. Because every time I go to my cousin's place in Louisiana, we eat eight thousand calories worth of meat and rice jambalaya. And then we eat shit like this. Yeah. Probably two K of just sweet doughy bread. It's so fucking good. It's awesome. Well, I grew up. So I lived half the time with my grandma half the time with my mom Mm-hmm, and my grandma lived in Pennsylvania, West, Pennsylvania Fucking Appalachia, Ohio territory nasty nasty shit, but no no amount of seasoning

baloney sandwiches Fucking just meat all well done. Mm-hmm. Like the Mexican restaurant was like this white guy who like Been to New Mexico one time. It was like making nachos from a fucking bag, like sprinkling cheese on there, put it on like a fucking, dude it was so disgusting. Like so nasty. Half your time in Fifth Ward, and then there must have been like insanely torturing.

It is, cause you don't, like it's back and forth. There was either, I was either the only black kid surrounded by white people or I was in a like I was in a place where I didn't know white people existed. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, serious fucking Gerard Carmichael took my joke. But I'll be honest with you, when I lived in Pennsylvania, my grandmother was the dean of a college.

And so we the idea of like black people not being better than white people never existed in my mind. Because when I was around white people, I was like, we have a nice house and we're educated. What are you talking about? We would drive past trailer parks. I'm like, man, that must suck to be that. Then the white people who lived in Fifth Ward, they weren't doing better than us. Right, right, right.

Yeah, yeah. I had a family that lived in in second and then like before. Dude, have you seen Edo lately? Yeah, pretty good. It's crazy, dude. But it's still not gentrified because black people still live there. So the Mexican people. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's slowly. I think there's like they're trying. I think.

I think gentrification, people associated with whiteness, and I don't think that's wrong. But when I'm in Ido, I see people you ever see a Hispanic guy with the fucking North Face vest and you're like, what the fuck are you doing, man? What are you doing? That's not for you. That's not I'm not even trying to I'm not even trying to be racist. I'm just saying I don't want my white brethren to wear that. You look crazy, dude. Like like, dude, dude, dude, seeing a black guy in a Columbia vest?

Yeah. What the fuck? I'm like, man, I don't, I'm not, I don't think I'm allowed to tell you how to dress. I think I'm not allowed to do that, but. I'll tell him. Yeah. You just need to pop out of the bushes.

This is, hell yeah, dude. Come on, man. Yeah, hey, man. Yeah, I don't, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I go back and I'm like what the fuck you guys have what is this a German sausage restaurant? This used to be a place where my dad bought cocaine I remember this house. They kept the house and German German sausage back. Yeah, they put the American German font on there whatever the fuck No, you can't do that. Yeah. Yeah, it's I don't I have a weird thing about gentrification where I'm like, what the fuck, dude? No, you can't do that. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I don't, I have a weird thing about gentrification where I'm like,

cause where I, dude, when I went back to Pasadena, Yeah. I had not gone home in a long time. Shit with the family was weird, and I hadn't been home in two or three years. And I went back to visit my mom, and dude, five minutes from where I grew up There was a fucking Jamba Juice in a strip mall next to a crumble cookie that place was just like ditch

It was just a dick. It was like a place that would flood when the when Houston would flood Oh, yeah, like spillover. It was just a big area that would flood It's still floods because they the strip Mars to get fucking like redone every two years, but love that about Houston yeah, I was like I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I you've ever seen in your life. That's what I love about the places in like second and third ward. It's just a trailer and a dude waddling. Rocking the trailer.

Yeah, dude. It's probably my dad's place, too. My dad's a big fat black guy, and he owns a barbecue food truck. That is sick, dude. What part of town? He's over at North Shore now. Oh, nice.

Yeah, dude, that's the, when I was, we were doing shows in Houston with my co-host, and he had never really been. He's from Fort Worth. Oh, hell yeah. he had never really been. He's from Fort Worth. Oh, yeah. He had never really been through Houston and he was like, where should we eat? And I was like, I'm going to go and I'm going to go over to that place with the windows boarded up and there's just a huge fat Mexican guy standing in front of it and we're going

to eat there. Wait, it's going to be super cheap. It's going to be the best food you've ever had. I took my super white girlfriend who like went to rice and then went to fucking straight to There's a Mexican restaurant. Don't even know the name of it, but it's in Denver Harbor on Lines Avenue And I've walked to it from my house. Yeah, I took her there, and she's just like you don't even speak Spanish How are we supposed to order? I was like shut the fuck up. Yeah point to the number You're gonna fucking love this quesadilla. Yeah, and it's so good man. God. It's delicious

And then we were talking about before we started the show, Austin's food. Like I don't know how this city ever passed as a foodie city. It's not. This pisses me off because it's it's fusion. But you can tell that like these people have you don't interact with those cultures. Yeah. Like Rooster in Houston is really, really good. Yeah. But it's fusion. It's like Mexican and Filipino food mixed together with like a little bit of street Vietnamese food all kind of put together But like here's like oh, do you want a cauliflower empanada? No, that's disgusting Are you out of your fucking mind? That's so nasty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to meet loaf quesadilla? No, my god, what do you that sounds so Austin? It's just I don't know the food here is hella fucking mid

It drives me insane Yeah, yeah, yeah, my my wife's the same way we moved here We lived here for a year and she had never lived in Austin had only visited once or twice in her life bird bird biscuits Really good bird bird biscuit goes hard as fuck What's that fucking Mexican restaurant off old dwarf god damn it Can't think of it anyway. Yeah, it's like They have some places that are good, but the idea did it say foodie city is insane It's madness because like yeah, yeah, like you go to a place you go to order a taco

It's eight dollars, and they're like oh the taco of the month is a fried spaghetti taco And you're like you guys you guys got a loan they made you a pizza pocket And you're like you guys you guys got a loan that made you a pizza pocket It made you a hot pocket of the restaurant is Like a white dude with an ascot on or like a white guy in athleisure. I don't want to eat there Yeah, it has to be a white guy. That's fat as fuck. Yeah missing at least one tooth He has to have a bunch of tattoos, or he's got to be one of those lanky Bourdain guys Yeah, I need to know that this is your passion.

Yeah, this is not a passive income. I need to know that this is your living this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't something that you make money from on the side. You're waking up and you're like, hmm, I thought this would taste good. And your fat ass is making it at two o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And you're spreading that joy with other people.

Exactly. This is all factory, like like test kitchen kind of shit. Not that, but like focus group. That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah, that's it. It's like you got a bunch of people who have bad taste in a room. And you're like, what about the cheesecake? Yeah. What about the key lime cheesecake?

But it's inside of a savory biscuit. Let's do a Juneteenth special. Dude, dude. Dude, Black History Month goes, this city goes nuts. It's so crazy, dude. The city goes absolutely insane because I'm like, you know what I'm talking about. Like when a city that's like progressive or whatever,

like it's the get out, it's like the restaurant that's like, it's Juneteenth, we've got fried chicken yeah like did you see that See that KFC knows the Popeye's thing where is the chicken standing up and they have like a fist for black history muck Jesus Christ dude, that's so funny That's so funny to me well cuz I'm like I work in marketing and whenever I see something that it's like a marketing, like whenever I see something, I'm like, do you know how many steps this shit has to go through before it gets fucking approved? Like how the fuck did the Popeye's fist make it?

I haven't probably know like one black guy. This little black guy was like, I don't want to rock the boat. I just got this job. It was a 24 year old white girl. Yeah. And she was like, we forgetting it's a tune teeth. So we need to do something for black people. And then the one like guy, the director, creative director goes, you're 100 percent right. And he is like he's Japanese and white.

And that's the one way Asian. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, we got to do something for it. We got to do something for the community. Thank you for coming on, Mike. Man, I appreciate it. Yeah, of course. I We usually do this for about an hour because the camera goes for like an hour Yeah, and fucking die so anything you want to plug shows socials anything there? No, I was just thinking of this time When there were there's only one black wrestler on WWE. It's like 2014 is biggie and

They had a character who was playing a cop Seth Rollins curb stomp him on June on like Martin Luther King day. It's the funniest shit. If you if you clip this part you have to find that clip because people have taken that clip and then like right before he curbs something show pictures of like Martin Luther King doing the speech and everything. Yeah. It's the UFC did something very similar, although it was to black UFC fighters. Yeah, but it was it was UFC like like Black History Month fight compilation. Yeah. And it was from the UFC and it was just Francis and Ghanu brutally knocking out Alistair Overie.

But it was the zoom in of like, you can see you can see his um, you can see his fist, but it was like for black history month. And it's just a black man's eyes rolling. Oh my God. And I was like, I know Dana signed off. That's so funny. Yeah. But for shit that I have to plug, I'm headlining the Dallas comedy club, July 13th at eight 30, uh, Sunday, eight 30. So come out to Dallas. If you got any fans in Dallas,

it's going to be a really fun show. We've got some great comics and a surprise guest can't tell you who on the show so come on through. It'll be fun. Hell yeah Where can they follow you follow me on? Instagram at can't guard Mike and check out my sub stack It's all on Instagram and all my other links and dates and everything can't guard Mike Mike is Myke yeah, follow me there dude. It's fun time. Hell. Yeah. Thank you guys so much. Thank you again Mike. Thank you