Pendejo Time - babys first drill

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

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Welcome to the Honky Tonk. Welcome to the Honky Tonk. We got Big Guns Tommy up on the microphone singing some sweet love songs. Take it away, Tommy. If you want to show me a jar, a jar made out of love, then you'd better have a lid So that I don't spill it on my pants I'm walking around this honky tonk I got love juice on my pants. And it makes my wrangler so stiff that I can't ask you to dance. Beautiful. Thank you, Big Guns Tommy.

Appreciate that. No problem. What album is that off of that is off skeevers and mosquitoes skeevers and mosquitoes oh that's a classic one gotta love yeah triple platinum well thank you for coming by the studio today big guns tommy i really appreciate it no problem i got about 45 other songs lined up for tonight if that's okay with you oh that would be that would be actually a huge treat. I don't want to get you out the door too fast. I remember just before we recorded this, you were singing me one of your songs.

Oh, yeah, I was. Well, I mean, you know, I don't tour too much no more, but I was singing you My Wife is a Horseshoe. It was one of my favorite ones. It goes a little something like this. When I throw a horseshoe, it's easier than throwing my wife. She's a little heavier, burden on my life. When I toss a horseshoe, i hear a little clink but when i throw my wife down the stairs

it's because i've had too much to drink my wife is a horseshoe she's weird and bent up she wasn't born that way. That is mostly my fault. Wow. Thank you. That's really beautiful. Thank you, man. That's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard about you, in particular, throwing your wife down the stairs.

Well, you know, I wasn't the first, and I surely wasn't the last. And about horseshoes. Yeah. Well, I like horseshoes, and, you know, I do have a penchant for throwing my old lady down the stairs. So, you know, it's just what... Oh, don't you? Yeah, you know i do have a penchant for throwing my old lady down the stairs so you know it's just but oh don't you yeah you know it's something that only men understand you know this new type of country with their rhinestones and their you know hip-hop type beats yeah hip-hop beats in there you know you want to be mc tractor no thank you i like the old stuff i like yeah i like john the racist i like uh blinky

hamkins blinky hamkins i like ham javelin you know i like uh big stinky john you know i like festus in the white nights festus in the white nights i Festus and the White Knights. I like John Coxon Jr. Just guys who really understood what it is to be a man. Just rip snorting, beer drinking, tax avoiding. Hoodlums. Hoodlums. I remember first time listening to Burlap Toe. Burlap Toe. God, I heard that name so long. it was on my granddaddy's radio

transmitter and uh i remember we'd all sit around the transmitter and we'd listen to burlap till the damn radio turned off from my son from my cousin eating all the wires in it. Yeah, you know, back in the backwoods of Copper's Cove, Texas. That's what happens when you don't eat your chicken liver. It's the only way. You know, eating other animals' livers is one of the only ways we can get copper as humans. That's true. So you start eating your grandpappy's TV after a while. One thing that humans need to live is copper.

It is a it is a vital nutrient it is actually a nutrient mineral that our body needs i thought that was iron i don't think we do also need iron i don't do we need copper to live i think we need it for some stuff i couldn't tell you what exactly i mostly say things on the show that my girlfriend has told me about food. Yeah, my wife, you know, she's really into the New Age stuff and dieting, and she's telling me I need to eat 10 pennies a week or else. I think it's mostly from animal liver. I don't think you have to eat it every day.

I'm pretty sure it's iron. I think at like one time in your life, it's pretty much all you need liver-wise. I think we have to have a little bit of copper i mean i could i think i wrote it down somewhere i'm not calling you a liar or nothing but i do think jesse run that run that on the tape copper does your body need it copper does your body need it slash have to have it. I don't think copper is a mineral that you need to stay healthy. Your body uses copper to carry out many important functions,

including making energy, connective tissues, and blood vessels. Suck my dick. Suck my dick suck my fucking nuts i think you're making that copper also helps maintain the nervous and immune systems and activates genes you want to activate your genes or not dumb ass what body how do i know if my body needs copper? Signs of possible copper deficiency include anemia, low body temperature, bone fractures, osteoporosis, low white blood cell count, irregular heartbeat, loss of pigment from the skin, and thyroid problems. Hey, man, you know, I'm sorry for calling you a liar.

I am here reading Beefly that contains the most amount of copper per serving. Too much copper in the body. Whether braised or fried a four ounce serving contains 18 times your daily value as it as it happens the symptoms of copper toxicity include diarrhea headaches and severe cases kidney failure sounds like we're getting enough yeah i think enough copper yeah i think i've had i get quite a bit of it, yeah. Yeah. I'm glad that we could clear that up because I was 100% sure that copper was just for stealing out of houses and selling. No, that's why people steal it is because you can take it out of a house and put it into your body for nutrients. Yeah, you can just pull the wire straight out of the fucking wiring system in your home.

Yeah, it's good for your nervous nervous system which is the wires of the body it's so funny to me that you know uh we need iron we need copper and then if you take enough lithium it just makes you not want to kill yourself anymore but if you take too much then your blood dies it's funny you know the way that metal can change your life different types of you know yeah it's really interesting and i'd like to talk about it for another i don't know for 43 minutes 53 that set that single digit number is kicking my ass every episode we got you were like we got 38 minutes left and it was i was like nope we got about 48 but it's all right look i i i'm a simple country boy I never finished

school I dropped out in first week of kindergarten to go bale hay for a dragon them Dallas Fort Worth area dragon species are just mean ain't nothing like working for a big old mean Chinese dragon what

flew in from Hongong kong and settled down in dallas which allegedly is no longer in china you see the news today no i didn't uh they they kicked hong kong out of china for not being chinese enough that's awesome yeah that's a true fact you can i haven't written down that's what It's a true fact. I have it written down. That's what we call a copper fact. Show it to the judge. They kicked Tom Kong out for rhyming. They kicked Tom Kong.

They wanted to call it Hing Kong, but that was going to rhyme with King Kong. And then they thought about, what about Hong King? Well, that rhymes with Dong King. And they didn't want pornography in the language. So they decided on Hung King. And you know who that describes? The two hosts of this radio show right here. Right.

Two Hung Kings. My pick right now sort of resembles resembles i can sort of feel it it's sort of like uh you ever accidentally dropped a log on a live baby squirrel i can't say i have but i can well you can kind of yeah about like that sort of just a just an organ at the moment um kind of a flat mess. Nothing more, nothing less. I guess mine, if I'm thinking and I'm trying to feel it around with my legs, it's kind of like a... Have you ever left Laffy Taffy in the car too long?

It's just kind of like a... Not a puddle. It's not a liquid nor a solid. I don't know... I leave mine in my radiator so I can drink it all and it's like a liquid nor a solid i don't i don't know i leave mine in my radiator so i can drink it all and it's like a smoothie when i get home hell yeah that's that that's awesome thank you guys for having me i fell in love with aard. The lizard from the commercials. That handsome lizard with those great big deals.

On guy co-insurance. He gave my car some wheels. Great man, bro. he gave my car some wheels amen bro and he said oh thomas i love you forever but then he fell in love with his favorite letter thank you so much i didn't even ask you to say i wrote that one as well you just let ladies you just bless my ears like the good lord himself i remember you know um being in church as a young boy and uh you know you're familiar with the the washington the blood of the lamb and the uh you know um other you know uh oh how he loves us or whatever but every now and then there would be like the old school ones because i guess those are like newer school and it would be like, and, you know, the whips on his back are the blood of salvation and the nails in his feet.

They snapped his leg. It's just like what would probably be like a cannibal corpse song, but it's being sang by like a portly pedophile. Like just like a guy who owns a ranch but also like molests kids you know just that's kind of and his tongue tongue tongue split down the middle and blood dripped out he spit it on the ground jews and the romans they beat the shit out of him he didn't plead forgiveness because he's king he's king jesus christ he was beaten bloody and pulpy, but he came out of that cave. And you're like, I don't think, uh, did he, did you just say the Jews? Pontius Pilate was a weak ass bitch.

He's being raped in hell by the devil and his henchmen. Fucked in his ass. You're like, okay okay somebody's fucking the game up around here this is not what it's supposed to sound like i guess like the the i don't know i went to kind of a fire and brimstone church for a while so that was yeah those were i was always like am i fucking am i listening to this shit right so i mean i understand the you know the light and you know also that they're like when I hit my teenage years and I just, you know, I mean, even now I haven't really aged all that much with regard to like, you know, Jesus is inside of you. Let him come in you and take over your life.

And I'm just like trying, like biting the inside of my lip so hard's bleeding because I I just found out what come meant like six months ago yeah I always uh I always I think it's funny like how like how beautiful like old gospel is and stuff and then like but if you talked to if you talked to like the past you would sound like a schizophrenic like if you just spoke the lyrics out like normal right but if you talked to the people who made the music like back then it would be like oh oh man yeah like like i remember he wasn't even just i mean he was mostly not a gospel singer but like watching old bill withers videos yeah he's like playing live i remember. He was about to play Grandma's Hands. And he was like, you know, there's a whole lot of love in this world.

And a whole lot of people fall in love every day. Isn't that beautiful? And there's some men who get confused about love, you know, and they think it's okay to do it with another man. And the whole crowd is, laughing they're like gay guys yeah he's like and he just sings like the most beautiful song yeah yeah and he's like oh well a beautiful beautiful song bill all the john wayne interviews like he was the biggest star it's like if Brad Pitt an interview

was like yeah Chinese guys no good they're just down low fucking insects basically Indian guys like a step above but I wouldn't talk to one like John Wayne's interviews were like yeah you know the uh you know down there I was doing a read-through in Chicago, and they got all kinds of, you know, you know what I'm talking about, like primate, like he just would say the most, like, racist, outlandish shit. And because he was, like, the American man in the interview, he'd be like, yeah, no, uh-huh, 100%. Mexicans have sombreros on all the time. They jump around.

They, like, steal, you know, old ladies' purses and shit. 100%, man, man yeah for sure and he's like and I'll tell you another thing Russians are made in lab you know uh he was a part of that like uh whack committee or whatever in Hollywood he was the guy that was like I don't know how substantiated this is or the veracity of this but the lore goes that like he would be in a movie with a guy kind of like a humphrey bogart type or just some sort of like effeminate pretty boy you know and he'd be like you a commie and the guy would be like what he's like a lot of commies in l and hollywood

i'm the one who tails on him and it's like this big hulking fat fucking southern retard is like, are you a communist? Yeah. Yeah, 100%, man. No, like fucking no. His whole persona or whatever being like, they kind of did the same thing with Elvis, where he became like a drug, like an anti-drug guy while he was basically living off phenobarbital. It's raining. What? It's raining. In? It's raining.

In your house? Not inside. Oh, is it raining over there where you're at? Yes, thank God. We got like a little bit, dude, but this week it's supposed to come down all week. Dropping the temperature just a little bit. That's good.

Sucking on a pickcker outside the cornfield. Pappy says it's bad for you. It's going to send you to hell. Well, I have some amazing news, Jake. I just received a note. What does it say? I had left all my shoes outside. I've just received a letter.

All my shoes are ruined. Yeah, it was like probably like seven pairs of shoes. That's awesome, man. That's okay. You know, I almost bought plants today, but I was like, you know, with my luck, it's just not going to rain for another like two months. Yeah, basically what happened last year. It turns out it's raining. Well, you know, you can't always fucking win them when you're trying to get into plants and shit yeah i mean also if i'd spent like a lot of money

that wouldn't have been good because i don't have a job i'm unemployed and uh unemployed thomas you know i gotta say i really respect people who can do this for a long time uh i don't have a schedule right now i think i'm dying yeah i feel sick but i think my body's literally making it up there's no reason for me to people always say like unemployed people are lazy they're good for nothing or whatever but like when i had covid and i was in between semesters and i couldn't get a job because i kept testing positive for covid i had an employment I was telling I think I talked to you about this like no we hadn't done we hadn't started the show yet um dude week one you're like this is awesome week one you're like and I know like just last episode we talked about like how cool it is to do nothing but

don't hold don't hold anything I say on any episode against me ever. Cause I don't remember. But, uh, first week you're like, dude, this is awesome. Jacking off, drinking beer, eating Mac and cheese, playing red dead, watching all the John wicks. This is cool. Week two, you're like, it's not bad. You wake up at noon, eat a sandwich, watch some movies.

Week three, I'm like, dude, I will, I will shovel dog shit for like $2. Just something to get me out of the house or something to get me doing something. Yeah, I went to Lowe's today, and I think I spent at least an hour and a half there. Just to have something to do? Well, I needed to get literally one bolt and one nut. And then I couldn't find it. No. Because I just sort of invented a bolt size that I needed

that they would have in stock. I need a 15-8. It was literally going to be like a fifth of an inch in diameter. Yeah. a fifth of an inch in diameter. Yeah. And, like, five-eighths of an inch long. That was exactly what I needed. And, you know, you can't just be doing that at Lowe's,

just making up stuff you need. So I walked around outside in the garden area for, like, an hour, which the thing is, yeah, that's fun to do every once in a while but i did that yesterday also yeah at a nursery i was out there for like two hours just walking around in the complete just fucking heat it's like 105 degrees but i'm like i'm not working i don't need water i pulled the the power drill out first time i had used it since i bought it to i had two things to to pull out of the wall. I had the mounted key ring thing we have, and then I had the projector shelf that I had put up when we moved in.

And those things came out in, like, less than two minutes. But I was in – I'm just the kind of guy – I'm infatuated with the drill, okay? I don't know if anyone can relate, but once you give me one, that task for my like insect reptile brain needs to last an hour because otherwise I'm just going to go like in just walking around my apartment so I took those two things out but I was like oh I don't know if I got the right bit on here let me put a new bit in I knew that it was the phillips head bit that I had because it's the same screws I used to put the key ring up it literally and so i'm standing in front of the projector shelf and i'm

like i don't know if i i don't know if i have this bit let me go through each one i was putting in like the wrong bits just to like loosen it and tighten it and like take it was like an enrichment tool for like a fucking horse because i forget like they're fun to fuck with like if you have like tasks to do in a drill it makes them a, way more convenient, B, it's just fun. Like, I'm still, like, eight years old. I'm like, oh, I got a space gun. I'm going to fuck it. So, like, after I got that projector mount out, I was like, huh.

Well, let me check all the paintings in the house that I have hung up, even though I nailed them in with nails. And I know I did. Let me just see if I screwed one of these paintings into the wall, which I didn't do. I know for 100% I was like looking under like all of the shelving and everything I put in and I was like, nope. All nails, but I just had to check

and the whole time I'm walking around my house. You're like taking out like light fixtures and putting them back in. Yeah. Like unhooking wires. Pulling pulling all my outlets out of the wall like shocking myself like i just had to be 100 sure you can never be too certain when you're walking around with a power drill um yeah i'm like i want to have like a project to do but i'm moving out so i'd like i don't when i move in obviously i'm gonna have like furniture to put together and shit but i'm like, I want to use this fucking thing.

Because like when I moved in, I didn't have one. So I was putting shit together with like an Allen wrench and fucking, you know, and I'm like, no, man, we got to get this shit going. Buying your first drill, that was, I had borrowed a friend's. So this is like, or the first one that I've owned that didn't belong to like a shop or like a friend

or a place I worked at or whatever. When it's your drill and you got the little carrying case, it's nice. It's a nice feeling. It's nice. And I know people that are older that listen to the show or maybe people that I've been there, like I've worked with them all day, but you didn't get it from the tool room or you didn't get it from the truck. That's your drill.

It's yours. And you can – it's your drill it's yours and you can it's your thing like it's a it's a nice like animalistic very base level feeling it's like having a fire that's yours that you started it's right you know i can't wait to buy my first chainsaw for myself that's gonna be nice i'm gonna get pro grade nothing i can't work with anything like homeowner now i don't even know the types of chainsaws like professional grade chainsaws are like more expensive but also like just a mile ahead of like everything else like you can use them every day for like 10 15 years sometimes i'm trying to think like under what circumstances you would need to have like a 500 chain so i don't even know how much in which i uh like it depends but for like a regular size chainsaw like if you're not doing anything crazy

like three to five hundred something like that like for a good one like a good steel or something okay um now you can spend like three grand on a chainsaw if you want, but you don't need that. Almost nobody needs that. The first time I used it. Almost nobody needs like a chainsaw that costs more than like $150, if I'm being honest. Right. For like, you know, most things. The first time, so when I was doing like theater and acting, there was like the wood shop behind us that we would use to, well, I was not a part of this. They wouldn't let me in there. Well, they let me in there once and then

they never let me in there again. I think I was like 15 and I had never, ever, ever worked with my hands like at all. I had never done anything. My dad was not a handyman. My dad would go buy a table, open the box up and then throw it in the fucking garage when he pulled out the instruction book and it was like more than two pages and he's like i don't really want this that bad and i'm like did mom tell you to put it together and he's like she'll figure it out so we would just have like front but anyway so i never so i went back into this like wood shop room and one of the guys that ran that was like one of the theater teachers or at the high school and i was like yeah hey you know mr smith or whatever like do you mind if i help out some of the you know he's like yeah you know to use a table saw and i just fucking lied it's like yeah dude you know

me and my dad we do like woodwork stuff and he was like oh awesome i didn't know that man well yeah go over there and uh so like i walk over all they're all confident but in my head i'm like uh you're either gonna get really injured or you're gonna break this like there's no there's no in between like you're not gonna get behind a big table saw and then someone's gonna hand you they're like i need a you know can you cut this and like uh you like a miter cut on this and i need it slanted it like this and i was like i'm not gonna know what that. I know what it kind of means now, but like not really. And yeah, sure enough, I get over there and I'm just feeding like wood into this thing with just open hand, no gloves.

Like, and one of the other people there was like, hey man, what are you doing? I'm like, you're going to get yelled at. And I was like, why? And I was like, you know, throw your gloves on. I'm like, oh, okay. Well, that's not bad. Throw my gloves on. And I'm just feeding wood into this thing and I don't really know what I'm doing,

and I just hear like a, and the thing stops. I had just kind of been feeding in a two-by-four long ways, not sideways, which was not how it was supposed to be cut. Like I was just like going long ways at it, and I think I like, I don't know how I fucked it up, but like I didn't give it a break, I guess, and was just feeding wood into it, and it caught a knot, I guess, or something, and it just stopped.

The motor was fucked up. And the guy comes over, and he's like, I thought you knew how to use one of these. And I was like, oh, no, man, I kind of just lied. I was caught, so I lied. And he was like, get the fuck out of here. You're never allowed back in here or whatever. And any time I would go back, he was like, you guys need a hand? a hand and they're like no we don't need you to break anything else brother we're good we don't need you to fuck

like these are like two three this school bought these there's like two three thousand dollar table saws more probably like and i like i wanted i'm like getting mad at you for this for like it's not my saw like it was i'm just yeah like i i didn't i did not do and like i would have done the same thing at 15 you know like i'm mad at myself like i didn't they asked me they asked me to do a couple things i guess i did right but like on a bunch of stuff like i didn't use a pencil or a ruler to draw out any straight lines i was like i can eyeball this what are we using this is like a we're gonna make like a base for this like a stage cool and I would just literally like the piece of wood would be like wavy because I'm not holding it right and I'm just like pushing as hard as I can and like

yeah it's all right you know get it done just fucking everything up I used I fucked up a belt sander I same age roughly the same time. I just like walked in was like, oh, I'm going to help, you know, sand this old table off because they're going to repaint it. And I didn't know that there had to be like I was just like, oh, you don't need to put anything on it. It's just the sander. I didn't know that it needed like a head. Idiot. Stupid.

Again, never worked with my hands before, really. Outside of like helping, you know, my dad fix his car or something and uh i'm just rubbing the thing is like i'm just rubbing like metal and like foam like on a on a table and like it's not sanding and i'm like oh what the fuck and i like look at i have completely fucked the bottom of this thing up like the the part or whatever like it's completely fucked so i just put it in a drawer and closed it and just walked out like probably like a 200 belt sander or whatever like i just was like oh we're you know little handheld sander thing i was like they'll never notice it and then like literally

a week later um i overhears was like hey one of our belt sanders is broken we only have two and i was like i don't know why i thought they had like 200 like in my mind i was like oh what's a belt sander cost i mean the school probably has like 5 000 of them it's like we only had two and i was like i don't know why i thought they had like 200 like in my mind i was like oh what's a belt sander cost i mean the school probably has like 5 000 of them it's like we only had two who broke one it's like well you know it's only me and johnny that works on these and i was like i didn't do this and i'm just like it's like walking past like oh you know sometimes you know sometimes shit just breaks or whatever um Honestly, man, even when I worked at that plastics plant, I learned how to do stuff. But I was working with a guy who had been a mechanic for 30 years.

And so he's like, oh, we're going to flush the – oh, somebody put diesel in an unleaded engine again, so we're going to flush this system. So can you just go and pull them spark plugs out and just – we're going to see if we can fix this, because if not, we're going to be this system. So can you just go and pull them spark plugs out? We're going to see if we can fix this. Because if not, we're going to be in a bit of trouble. And I was like, yeah, I'll pull the spark plugs out and I'll get right to flushing.

He's like, all right. And I'm walking over there. He's like, you've got to go to the tool room. We need tools. And I was like, oh, I was just going to get it open. I was just going to open the fucking welding machine up and just start, like, touching stuff. Like, just barely, you know. Like, and the guy knew I was a fucking idiot.

Like, you know, I told him I was like, I can change oil and I can, like, change into, like, an air filter or whatever. And I can, like, do basic stuff. But, you know, like, when we would fix, like, AC, like, the AC, the air conditioners. I think I told you the air conditioners on these cranes or whatever. He's like, yeah, so just go get that Freon and we're just going to test the pressure on the Freon. All right. And I'm like, he hands me like a red, a red tube. And, you know, I'm talking to those, it's like a red tube, blue tube and like the gauge

to test, like, you know, if the Freon is feeding through. If my AC stops working, I just don't have AC anymore. Right. Yeah. No, I know. And this is an easily youtubeable fix like i told my bass player will i was like yeah my ac's out and he was like oh man why don't you just go uh like replace a freon and i was like uh you know it's it's fine he's like

it's 110 degrees outside man like it's literally like a 10 minute fix and i'm like yeah it's like it's expensive though and he's like freon's like 30 bucks it's literally just you know and you can get the kit all together for like 50 and i'm like he's like do you not know how to do it and i'm like i mean i kind of know how to do it but like i don't want to i just yeah i'm a guy i don't need ac i'll just wait till it's winter that's been my philosophy like my whole life i'll just wait till mid-december hits and then i don't need it anymore yeah it's like my heater doesn't work on my truck either. That's not my problem. Yeah, you just, like, your level of comfort is strictly contingent upon what season it is. My AC went out last winter, and I was like, what do I need the AC for?

It's 40 degrees outside. And then, like, now it's, like, 105-plus every day for, like, two months, and I'm like, I'll just wait until the winter. It's already August. It doesn't fucking matter. Who gives a shit? And that is called being a handyman. That is called no one to hold them, no one to fold them. No, it's not.

No, it's not. I hadn't said anything in a while. I know that there are people who are really handy, just per the Discord, that are probably like, God damn, man. How did you hold down a job for longer than like but like i would just fall into these like you know like homemaking things or whatever like not homemaking but like remodeling things or like plant work or whatever yeah if you're in in where i'm from in outside of houston and pasadena texas if you stand outside of a oil and gas plant and

you have a high vis shirt on and you're fat they'll just let you in the you just go like just go in there and hit something with a hammer we'll pay you like 15 bucks an hour it's not like you don't really need to have like a lot of you know precursors or anything it's not like working in west texas on an oil rig or whatever yeah that's how it is in pasadena a town town I am very familiar with. Yeah, a town I know pretty well. Pasadena, to me, it's like the Pasadena of Texas. It is. There have been so many times.

This happens in Austin, which I guess makes sense because there are a lot of California transplants. I'll be describing Pasadena, Texas, and I'm like, yeah, it's like a big meth town. There's smokestacks everywhere. A lot of people get cancer crime rates pretty high uh it's you know it's like uh right outside a major city and they're like you're talking about like there's no smokestacks in Pasadena and LA's you know not that bad and I'm like oh yeah I forget that Texas does that no Pasadena Texas is in South Houston you know people just get cancer all the time because it's downwind from like 500 plastic processing plants or whatever yeah it's like

i spent the weekend in paris my dog got eaten by another dog you know i have bat cancer now people are like paris is beautiful did you did you see the eiffel Tower? I saw two homeless guys' Eiffel Tower in orangutan in Paris, Texas. Did you make it to the Louvre? No. Jiffy Louvre, yes. Yeah, I did. Yeah, actually, I put in an application at the Jiffy Louvre. Yeah, I did.

I was like, no. Oh, fuck. I love that they do that. That's so awesome. Just like Paris, Texas, this is a shithole, dude. I don't know if you've ever driven through it. Yeah, it's not the best. It is.

What was, where did your car break down? Buffalo. Buffalo, Texas. I remember one time driving to Rome, Texas. Rome with an H. There's Carthage, too. Yeah. In Palestine. Yeah. Palestine. Palestine, Texas. Yeah, Palestine, Texas. Rome with an H. There's Carthage too. Yeah. Yeah.

And Palestine. Yeah. Palestine. Palestine, Texas. Yeah, Palestine, Texas. Yeah. I remember driving to Rome with my dad to look at a used truck

when I was a kid. And then my dad didn't buy the truck. It was like a long ass drive. It's like, it's more like Central Texas, I think. Yeah.

I feel like they just ran out of places place names yeah the guy was like yeah it's never uh never hauled anything only highway miles and there was like clearly hay in the back of the truck it bails it was like an old f-150 and he's like yeah it's like it's never really been used for anything he like clearly lived on a farm yeah it was a far so it probably had like half a million miles on it so yeah just like 10 years worth of like 10 mile trips every day for like 50 years i love when people fucking especially now at the car market being the way it is dude i it's so funny to go on like facebook marketplace or craigslist and it's like uh you know yeah i got a really nice tacoma it barely

used 627 000 miles on it you know never hauled anything with it i know what i got i know i know what i got low ballers no low ballers and no scammers 26 000 cash and i will not be barked with yeah i saw a fucking like 2003 ford ranger up for sale for 18 grand and it had 200 000 miles on it yeah that is basic like so i was i told you i was looking at old stingrays these are like six or seven thousand dollar cars they're not like the the they're the fleet model corvette from like the late 70s so it's not like the fucking big block or whatever because those do go for quite a bit and uh it's like a at most eight thousand dollar card they're on craigslist and like marketplace for like 22 grand right now which is fucking retarded like there's no fucking reason but when

you like uh like i was haggling with one guy when i had the money um for one that was like seven grand i was like would you come down to five? He was like, no, man, I can't. I'm actually taking a loss on this. And I was like, it's got 110,000 miles on it. And you're saying like the leather was fucked up and like it had rust on the bumper or whatever. He's like, no, man, actually, I'm thinking about bumping her up to nine.

And I'm like, oh, okay, well, get fucked 10 ways to Sunday. Like I'm waiting for it to pop, but I don't know when that's going to happen. Because, you know, economy's booming. People are doing great. Yeah, people are doing wonderful right now. Yeah, everybody I talk to is like, God, I have so much money. They need to start making more used cars. Yeah, that was...

Just put like 100,000 miles on it in the factory just have it put it on a dino and just run it for like six weeks just use the schematics for like an old commons and just rebuild it and then put it on a dino yeah for like two months and then just be like yeah we got we got you i mean you know 12 grand you know $13,000. That's a great idea, Thomas. So dealerships can out-compete with second-market sellers by just, you know, making – Lowball yourself. Yeah. You know how you're going to make $80,000 off this truck? How does $8,000 sound?

Yeah. I know your ability – pitching this to Ford, like, C-level executives. It's like, listen, I know that y'all are like huge pieces of shit and scam artists, but how would you like to make 0.2% more profit every year guaranteed? We can get you that money ASAP. No Rocky. What are you looking at on your phone, man? I'm not looking at my phone.

I'm looking at a coupon I got in the mail. What kind of coupon, dude? So it's a coupon to the Old South Pancake House for their 60th anniversary. But it's the Burleson location. It's not even the one that's like a minute from my house. But here's the deal, okay? You get a free entree with purchase of an entree and drink, but only with this coupon, and it doesn't expire until the end of the year.

And there's a $9 Texas cheesesteak sandwich for their lunch special and you get two sides with it. That's nice. I don't have a whole lot going on in my brain or life right now. I've been keeping coupons

and looking at them for an hour or so and then throwing them away. I got another one here for Kyoto, Hibachi Sushi and Bar. And if I go... Fuck me. I set this aside because they had a birthday special but it expires at the end of September.

So we can throw this one away as well. Just get a fake ID off the deep web for a free cheeseburger. Everybody is mad at me. I wanted to go for my actual birthday, even though that place isn't very good. It's all right. Sometimes it happens. I haven't actually been there.

I don't fucking go to Hibachi. I'm not 2 Chainz or whatever. It's not impressive to me. It kind of pisses me off. You have a big griddle. Why don't you make something cool like scrambled eggs instead of a big stupid shrimp you're gonna throw up my face yeah it pisses me off the kind of games they'd be playing what are you a circus seal what are you a fucking clown what are you a conniving

trickster because that's what you seem to be you know what hibachi should make is a big normal burger. And then they should give it to me on a plate. And you know how many burgers they can make there? And they choose not to. They choose to cook like bok choy and stupid bullshit like that. Yeah, sushi and fucking. Oh, great. You made a little tiny strip of steak for a baby.

Awesome. Good job. I'm a big man. You want to fucking pat on the back? You got 7,500 square feet of skillet right there that's what you come up with that reminds me of the strawberry festival in pasadena that uh the city is like uh you know it's our grand attraction people from all over the world come they don't they come from like at mostima, which is like 30 minutes, you know, towards Galveston Bay. And the reason they come there is for three things. A barbecue cookout where basically a bunch of 500-pound oil rig guys get blackout drunk and fistfight each other.

Two, mud volleyball. If you're a guy, you can play it, but it's like when a guy gets on a mechanical bull at a bar. Or a regular volleyball team. Yeah, it's very's like when a guy gets on a mechanical bull at a bar or a regular volleyball team yeah yeah it's very much like that like it's it's uh they they dig out these massive trenches with these bulldozers and they fill them with like way steep water and then they put some of the dirt back in and it makes mud and it is very much like the type of girl that like would would be like head chef at a waffle house like we're not talking a team here per se um you know sort of you know kind of busted up to hell is is like a like a can of biscuits but if you are a man and you get on one of the teams it's straight

ridicule ringside or like it field side it's like what's that boy doing in there playing mud volleyball you know and then the third thing they make a fucking strawberry shortcake brother that i'm not kidding i think it's like they make it in in the back end of the of the pasadena fairgrounds it's like 10000 square feet of cake. It is impossibly big. You see it in the horizon and it keeps going, kind of like the ocean. You catch the edge of it. It is the world's biggest strawberry shortcake. You can pay a dollar and you go to get a slice or whatever.

I don't know how they do it because I can't imagine where you'd find an oven that big. I imagine they bake it and then just put it together. I would like – you're probably right, but it's much funnier to me if, like, they have to – there's an oven somewhere, like, in Southeastern that's just the size of, like, a football stadium. Yeah, I think they probably just put icing on top of it. Right, yeah. But it is the crown jewel of Pasadena, other than the Pasadena Rodeo, which I've seen some good country shows at the Pasadena Rodeo.

It's funny. Weatherford has the Peach Festival. Really? Yeah. It's pretty big. But the thing is, peaches are way cheaper everywhere else but the Peach Festival. And they always host it the first week of July, so it's always 105 degrees. Yeah, the same thing with the strawberry festival. And somebody always, like, almost dies from being out there.

No shade or anything for the most part, but, you know, that's how we live. The Strawberry Festival is, like, mid-May or early June, so it's really fucking hot. Also, like, you can just catch a stray bullet there sometimes. Like, I remember I would go there as a teenager and we would like you know hang out smoke weed and just fucking be shitheads or whatever and uh you would see a big crowd and like oh oh oh and then you would just hear ah and then people running to you and you're like, the fight, that is the global sign of, like, fight has ended, gun been drawn. Like, get his ass, world star, world star.

And then, like, a blood-curdling scream and you're like, this is not fun anymore. I think I got to go. Like, you know, we got to bail out of here. Oh, there's also a really drunk fat guy that gives helicopter rides. I never personally took him up on it. But he, like, has his helicopter out there in the field, like the adjacent park. I don't actually know if he's drunk and fat.

I just assume that any guy over 450 is just drunk constantly. I think that's a safe assumption. He's 450 and he gets in a helicopter? He's pretty fucking fat. I would put him at 400 plus. Let's see what strawberry shortcake looks like. Kind of looks like Tres Leches. A little bit pinker.

I might have had this before. It's pretty good, man. It's not bad. Yeah, that looks good. It looks really good. I was hoping the icing on top would be pink. Sometimes it is. I mean, you tip sometimes.

I'd like that. A light pink. It's just straight, like, white, but sometimes people will go pink with it. Yeah, a whiter pink would be good. I'd like that. A light pink. It's just straight, like, white, but sometimes people will go pink with it. Yeah, a whiter pink would be good. I'd like that. Yeah, I love when things are white. Do you think you could bring me a slice? Yeah, man, I think I could do that for you.

I don't think that would be too difficult. Do you have any leftover from earlier this year? Well, yeah, you know what? I want the big cake. I want a slice of the big cake. Last time I went, you know what? About 16 years ago when I went to the Strawberry Festival in Pasadena, Texas, I said, you know what?

I have this inkling feeling that I'm going to befriend a guy on the Internet and we're going to have a podcast. We're going to have to do stuff that's funny sometimes or try our best. So I'm going to save him a piece of 11-year-old cake and I'm going to take it with me everywhere I go. College, San Marcos, every place I move, I'm going to keep it just piece of 11 year old cake and I'm going to take it with me everywhere. I go college, San Marcos, you know,

every place I move, I'm going to keep it just in a little backpack for you. So I bet it's still really nice and fresh. Awesome. Thank you. That's exactly what I wanted. I've been waiting a long time to hear that. Cause I would love to.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I've had it. It's like kind of a mix of like strawberry and like cake,'ve had it. It's kind of a mix of strawberry and cake, right? Yeah, it's a mix of short and cake and strawberry. Mmm, that sounds so good. I'm drooling right now. That sounds so good. Strawberry shortcake. Mmm, yummy, yes.

Oh, that sounds so good. I can't wait to have a bite. Mmm. I want to go next year and just stand next to it the big the biggest cake on fucking planet earth and just like loudly be like i waited all year for from my yummy yummy sweet cake tree aren't you just turned to like fucking ex-marine next to me just a big fat beer belly aren't you so excited to have a little sweet yum yum go down your gullet? I hope you guys made another one.

I'm going to eat this whole thing. Mmm. I just love a nice, creamy, soft cake treat. What about you? I bet this is going to taste so good to eat in my mouth. Somebody's just like, they're like open open carrying they're just reaching for the fucking holster like easy there son that's that's about enough of that yeah yeah i don't know what's going on with you and you know i mean my my nephew he's um

you know he he's got he's a little touched by the Lord himself. But if you keep trying to force feed me strawberry shortcake, I will have to compromise you to an end. I will have to ventilate you. I don't mean to be rude, son. I know that your people have your problems and you wear your big foamy shoes and you know your big soft t-shirts and you have to have a certain type of bed sheet but imagine the three stooges seeing that strawberry shortcake oh man the little gags and the antics they'd get up to they would probably eat imagine if scooby-doo saw that cake and he ate it all in his mouth at one time.

The whole town would be so ferociously mad at him. He would never be allowed in that town again. Pasadena would kill Scooby. They would chase him out with brooms and they'd say, You ghoul! You stinky bug! You ghoul, get out of here! And Shaggy, don't let us see you here again.

You and the whole Scooby-Doo gang, get the fuck out of here, shaggy don't let us see you here again you and the whole scooby-doo gang get the fuck out of here stupid fucking hippie bitches we're gonna fucking kill you we're gonna fucking hurt you really bad scooby-doo you bitch they'd say that yeah they would say stuff like that i wonder if you would get shot if you like jumped into it there's no way it's a very it's a gun friendly town in a gun friendly state i think if you were to fuck because nothing happens in pasadena except like domestic violence and like shootings so i feel like if you fucked up the one time a year that everyone in that town like you know their cancer goes into remission and they put aside their differences to just look at a big fucking piece of cake. Like an impossibly, a mind-boggling, like perception-warping piece of cake.

If you were to like, as I was a kid, I have intrusive thoughts of like sprinting it before anyone could tackle me. Just dead sprint and just see if I could like slip and slide across the icing on top. But I know that that would end violently. You'd get beaten to death. It's the only thing the city has to look forward to.

It's a fucking piece of shit place to live. It's gray, it's dull, it's flat, there's smokestacks, it always stinks like shit. I feel like if you fucked a cake up, it would be curtains for your ass. Do they eat the whole thing every year? Every year, there's none left. None.

There ain't a fucking corner i think no that's not true they save like a pretty big fucking hunk of it and i think they donate it to like which is very stupid it's so funny to me to like to get a flatbed truck and put like a 10 like a 10 foot by 10 foot cake and take it to a homeless shelter where people need like socks and like you know water and like vegetables and medicine and be like i don't got nothing really that would nourish your body but i do have about two million calories worth of sugary bread and icing like yeah that's like i i gave uh i gave a homeless guy three donuts one time and then immediately was like that was dude that was like a dick move

i bought half a dozen donuts at the crispy cream in time square and i was by myself and i ate three of them and then started having a sugar crash and realized i needed to walk like half a mile to get to the barcade i wanted to go to in time square and like, fuck, I can't walk for 30 minutes through this crowd, through this throng with a sugar crash. I love when fucking, like, right-wingers are just like, I don't know, man. Just pieces of shit are like, did you know that, you know, peddlers and panhandlers in Times Square can make up to $100 a day. Isn't that crazy?

And I'm like, you mean a drug-addicted transient, like a neglected member of society who is living on the street in the most expensive area to live in the country is making $100 a day. Yeah, after they go back to their high rise in Times Square and just count all the money and laugh. Their brownstone in fucking Manhattan, yeah, their 200-year-old beautiful 3,000-square-foot brownstone with the $80 a day that they've begged for

from fucking mean tourists and fucking angry Italian men. Man, they got it so good. All they think about all days i'm getting this money not like i wish i could drink rubbing alcohol or i wish i had a box cutter to fucking cut my leg off with no they're after that paper buddy so you know the best case scenario the solution i come up with is we just kill them you know we just start getting fucking well what if we let them all work at the m&m store that seems like a fair trade-off i feel like that's the same amount of money like like that's probably i mean if you're working retail you can make you know 10 11

bucks an hour so yeah after taxes maybe i assume that the minimum wage there was higher you're probably right but i mean the buying power of it in new york i mean i don't know what that would be but but I would like to – If we want to move there and make our dreams come true here in about two months, I know you just – you know, you're signing your lease and stuff, but you're going to need to get rid of that because you're going to lose a lot of money on that. I love the idea of me and you moving to New York to, like, you know, do the podcast millionaire thing. But, yeah, we start working at, like, KB Toys or the M&M's store. We're making, like, you know, do the podcast millionaire thing. But yeah, we start working at like KB Toys or the M&M's store. We're making like nine an hour. Like, you know,

what's the fucking Build-A-Bear thing? I would eat so much M&M's, bro. I'd want to be one of the subway drivers. Like the train captain or whatever? All aboard! Headed to New York City.

You don't know the boroughs and you're like welcome to new york all aboard heading to new york city new york we will be heading to brooklyn new york city and they're like which stop is this brooklyn new york city new york big apple city they're like we're in queens right now headed Headed to New York's fucking city. And we're all here on the train. Doors will not be opening for the next 26 hours. I don't know where the button is. I actually just kind of got in here and I killed the conductor guy. You guys have any loved ones?

Have them stop and hang out at one of the stations, and you can wave goodbye to them. Because we are not, nobody's making it out of here alive. We're going to see how fast this puppy can go. Fucking, oh yeah, baby. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Driving a train. Awesome. Oh yeah Oh yeah

Driving a train Awesome Driving Driving that train Going to work And I'm driving a train All over New York City What do you think of my new song?

You like that? No I think it's dog shit I think you need to get back in the studio I'm gonna fuck you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you and everybody you know. I'm going to kill you so bad it's going to make Jack the Ripper look like a less murderous guy. I'm going to slow cook you like a pig.

I'm going to put you in the ground. I'm going to cover you in tinfoil and pig. I'm going to put you in the ground. I'm going to cover you in tinfoil and spices. I'm going to feed you through a pencil sharpener, dog. Slow. Well, yeah, I was just going to start pinky first, Holmes, and then we're going to put your old body. We'll figure it out. You ever seen a man cut up with a chainsaw, Holmes?

Well, I got a hedge trimmer. I don't got a chainsaw. I feel like that would suck. I mean, I feel like you could torture a guy for sure with a head trimmer. Yeah, but it's slower. It mostly gets skin. Yeah, it can't go through bone, really, I don't think. Could hit an artery, maybe.

It would suck. But also, those get bound up easy, so I'd have to turn it off. Because otherwise, if it gets stuck and it's not vibrating or whatever, you could burn the motor up quick. suck. But also those get bound up easy so I'd have to turn it off and cause otherwise if it gets stuck and it's not vibrating or whatever you could burn the motor up quick. I'm gonna go at you shit with a, I feel like a weed whacker could fuck you up cause I've been hit by one. It fucking sucks dude.

If you get one of the like the metal attachments you could like really mess up somebody's life. I'm gonna circumcise your son with a weed whacker. Your son is weed whacked? No, we've got a law guy. I appreciate it. No, I don't think you're listening to me.

I'm trying to whack your son's weed. I heard you had some Jewish people move next door. You need to honor this. I don't know why you're leaving. What? Mexican, Chinese, yeah, circumcision. That's great. I feel like we're just deteriorating mentally the longer we do this show.

Really? You think I'm deteriorating? I'm in my mental as well as sexual prime. I'm in my mental, physical, spiritual, and sexual prime. I mean, everything's working top notch like a well-oiled machine. Mm-hmm. You know. I found out I'm double-shouldered the other day.

Double-shouldered? Yeah. I'm double-boned. Oh, man. That's good. That's good, though. That means you're athletic. Yeah.

You have twice as many bones as you. Yeah, I got two bones. Yeah, I've got two, you know. Double bone. It's making me basically I'm going to the NFL. Yeah. Yeah. I pretty much get boned like twice.

I basically got boned twice whenever I was getting made. Yeah, God made me with just like. God double boned me. Yeah, double boned by the Lord. Yeah, God made me with just... God double-boned me. Yeah, double-boned by the Lord. Yeah, I'm double-jointed. I'll have one in each hand, and I'm smoking both of them. Yeah, I'm getting...

Yeah. You catch my drift? Catch... Yeah. I'm talking about smoking weed. I'm talking about partaking in marijuana right now. Yeah, I'm talking about enjoying a little bit of the jazz toker. When I found out walruses had a bone in their dick, I feel like we got fucked over as a species.

Yeah. You didn't notice? No, no. You didn't notice before? Walruses? No, I never. You didn't notice they had one? Mm-mm.

No, I don't. Well, I mean, I've only seen one at the the zoo but i wasn't taking a good gander at his fucking right but you didn't notice no i didn't you never noticed no the walrus had a bone in its penis no you couldn't feel it or anything well i mean now that i think about it yeah it was pretty you know there wasn't a lot of like like, flex to it. Yeah, you know, does it slide out like a sheath, like a sword or something? The bone? Like an elevator shaft when it gets hard? I think a walrus is.

Is it always hard? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I think they're just always ready to rock, kind of like a. That doesn't seem right. Like the tail fin of a boat like a canoe you know it just kind of guides them to the water that'd be sick yeah there's always hard just walking around you know yeah you don't have a big old boner yeah hard slapping against my leg and i'm hard i'm rubbing it all the time i'm always ejaculating and i'm always getting hard

i'm always hard i'm always coming i hard. I'm always coming. I'd like that. I'm always hard. Dude, coming feels so good. It's like one of the best feelings ever. Have you ever come, bro? Yeah, man, once or twice. Yeah, yeah, it's not bad. Dude, coming rocks.

I love it. I can't get enough I love to shoot big ropes Yeah I can cum like probably a million times in a day You know what I do It's like a gallon each time I keep

We keep Every few episodes we revisit the like Eighth grader who's bragging about having had sex But Clearly has never Like you're on the back of the bus and the kid's like yeah dude like i was fucking my girlfriend for like 10 hours dude and when i busted it was like you know 16 17 gallons yeah um i i used to have a co-worker who was

falsely fired for sexual harassment at a restaurant respect i like where this is going um who well according to him yeah it was all made up which you know you gotta believe for those guys right no you know you have to believe him sometimes you just fall in love with a 16 year old well that's not your fault when you're 34 anyway um i don't condone i don't condone endorse that but all right he would do he would take one hit off like a one hitter and start talking about how hot 18 year old girls are it was funny but um yeah one time randomly i forget what the subject was but he was like yeah like they say like the average man only makes like five gallons of like cum in his lifetime but like i think i've already made like a way more than that i was like cool i probably made like a lot less than that because it sounds like a lot i

don't think i've made no even even a gallon yet i've only i don't even think i've put a dent in that yeah i here's the thing no i no no when i was 16 absolutely absolutely not. I was a rookie. No, yeah, I wasn't. We're talking like a cup. Yeah, yeah. Maybe a pint. There was a manager. He got fired for trying to finger fuck a hostess at a party who was like 16. So this motherfucker, I was rolling silverware at the host stand and just rolling silverware at the host stand and, uh, like just rolling silverware with the hostess and,

um, you know, just like make it small talk. Like, do you like working here or whatever? And, uh, she was like,

I mean, it's okay or whatever. I was like, oh, okay. You know, I think she was like 16 or 17. I was like,

yeah, it's kind of fucking sucks, but you know, some of the managers are weird, but the money's good. She's like, yeah, I'm hoping I can start serving,

whatever. Just make it small talk. And, um, this guy that are one of our on-site managers who was a creep. Like, I had heard, but I had never personally experienced it, A, because I'm a fucking grown man. So, like, I don't think I was his key demographic. But just B, I had never really been around it. This guy, like, he was one of those dudes that, like, his whole life had been, like, arrested development. So, like, he would brag to guys about certain things.

He's like, man, you know, I just got my first car. And you're like, cool, like a Corvette? Did you get like a Grand Nationals? Nah, Camry 03. Runs like a top. And I'm like, oh, you're not bragging About the type of car You just never And I understand

Some people don't get cars But like The way he was like Yeah dude I don't know if you know this But I'm pretty balling right now I got my

I got my driver's license He's the guy It's like early 30s Anyway We're like rolling silverware And I go to like Start putting it up In these shelves

Behind the hostess stand And he comes over And he's talking to this girl And uh He's like Oh you know Like, I haven't seen you around here. He had. He had. For sure. He's like, how long have you been working here?

And she's like, um, like two, three months. He's like, oh, okay. How are you liking it? She's like, you know, whatever. And he was like, you know, I throw the best parties. And at that point I was like, I'm walking closer. A, because I just, I don't know. You't know you know i heard again i've heard stories but like b i have to listen to how he's about to spit game like riz like i gotta hear the fucking i gotta hear this he's like i throw the like like you

know like we all like everybody shows up like you know like we get the kegs you know we get the weed like we get the pills like this is like again like a junior in high school maybe she gets down like that but like you're 33 whatever and she's like um i mean uh maybe you know like she's trying to be nice or whatever this is a grown man he's like yeah like you know like i just got my first apartment dude and we're like we're like we throw down in it bro like it gets so crazy and like like mike's there like you know mike and like you know uh jake's never come but like maybe you'll come right and i was like 100 bro like i'm so excited like i was like yeah you know whatever but like the she like i noticed that she noticed that he was like yeah i got my first apartment man i party dude like at 33 like a guy who probably like

lived at home which again nothing against it but like lived at home never really worked and then like he's having his like 19 year old moment but he's like well into his 30s so he's like yeah dude i've got like n64 i've got like all the consoles like i'm kind of like a gamer and like my mom doesn't even come over really a lot and like so i can just have beer like whenever I want like and she's sitting there she's like you know maybe whatever he's like yeah so it's over off Riverside like here's the apartment number like it's gonna start like after we're done closing so like you know I plan to see you there right she's like whatever he like walks off and she was like I'm not I'm not gonna get in trouble if I don't go

right and I was like do not go to that that's like like I was like I'm'm not going to get in trouble if I don't go, right? And I was like, do not go to that. I was like, I don't really want to occur on this conversation anymore because that was very weird. But I was like, please do not go to that party. Like, I don't know. You know, I was just, but like, that's just, she was like, I wasn't. And I was like, okay, just, you know, you meet some friends, whatever. But like, and then surely enough, like three months later, I stopped seeing him at work and I asked, you know, one of whatever. But like and then surely enough, like three months later, I stopped seeing him at work.

And I asked, you know, one of the other kitchen managers, this Hispanic dude. And he was like, oh, that guy. Yeah. And he was like, oh, well, one of those parties he threw went sideways real fast. And I was like, and he's like, apparently one of the hostesses did go. And he was like, hmm. Like, hey, have you ever seen he's got like a 20 pound dumbbell. He's like, you ever like, hey, have you ever seen, he's got, like, a 20-pound dumbbell. He's like, you ever seen somebody lift 20 pounds?

I don't know if that actually happened, but, like, in my mind, he's, like, curling. And he's like, yeah, you know, like. Oh, damn. I just got so much stronger just from looking at you. Damn, I've never had anybody make my adrenaline kick in like this. Yes. He was one of those dudes like also one of those guys that's like like is 105 and 0 in street fights but like there's no way he had ever even

thrown a punch or had one thrown at him like in his whole life this is like yeah you know like anybody steps to me dude like i just see fucking red and it's over like i don't know i don't care like yeah like i got anger issues but like i keep it under control most of the time yes dude like i just like you meet those guys from time to time but when you work under one it was like i'd be in the manager's office and he's like you know man you know like every day i just feel like like you know when you're grinding and you're hustling, like, you know, you're just, you see your dreams, man. And like, and at the time I remember I was doing more standup. I was probably like 19 or 20. I worked there. I was doing standup like a few times a week and I just like brought it up, you know, whatever. Like, again, he was like doing my running my checkout and I was getting my money for the night. And he was like,

yeah, man, you know, like I just, I've been, I got Ableton and I'm like, I see, like, I see the finish line. And I was like, oh, cool. You've been doing like DJ sets and stuff. And he's like yeah man you know like i just i've been i got ableton and i'm like i see like i see the finish line and i was like oh cool you've been doing like dj sets and stuff and he's like no none yet and in my mind i was like oh this is like this is one of those guys that's like you know nothing's happening like there's just nothing nothing's that all you're gonna do is go to jail for like assault or DUI. Plenty of those people you meet in registrant industries. And I guess labor too. But that was a particularly special individual insofar

as he should be murdered by the state. Well, I hope he's doing well. Seems like a good guy. He seems like a real stand-up individual. I hope he got it all worked out. Sett settled down with a nice high schooler and maybe they'll have a cute life together it's so cool to me to like i wouldn't even i didn't even think to flex that i had an

apartment when i was like 18 i don't understand how that's like a i don't to be fair i still haven't gotten my own apartment but I just haven't had to right but when you do you would never even like you would never be like talking

like talking well no cause I've lived in a house before and it's way better right right but I'm saying like if I buy my first house

before you know that'll be cool but even then if it happens it's gonna be like in my 30s right same but it's like and that like in my 30s. Right.

Same. But it's like. And that's just when. But let's assume for the sake of argument that you're single in your 30s. You're not going to be at a bar and you're like, yeah. Like, I mean, like if you talk about getting a house, you're like, oh, but my first house. You're not like, yeah. I don't know if you know, but like I got a house.

Like I got a loan. I got an FHA loan. Yeah. Not a big deal. I have a studio like I got a loan it's like I got an FHA loan at about yeah not a big deal I have a studio apartment yeah about

about 45 minutes outside of town yeah 238 square feet no in unit washer dryer so yeah I had to cut my

cut my couch in half to fit it in there but yeah it's pretty sick I guess I'm just thinking like there are things that like I consider myself like rational and I'm just thinking there are things that I consider myself rational and adult enough.

There are things that you don't... Yeah, man, I just... I got a lawnmower, so I think I'm going to start getting more pussy. I just bought a new rake today, and I think things are going to start coming around for me. $25. Dude, my grandma got me a Lowe's gift card. I went and got a leaf blower, so I really, really think she's going to start calling it again. Yeah.

I don't mean to brag or anything, but I bought some pea gravel the other day. I think this could be it for me. you know bought some pea gravel the other day i think you know this you know what's funny is i could i could see you bragging but just to me that you're like dude i got some really nice cobblestone but i almost i almost bought dude i'm getting so fucking like at this point i'm just i'm becoming like a 60 year old woman yeah i could see i almost spent like 200 on like this like bamboo stuff to go over your fence yeah and then i was like dude you like don't have a job you have like you haven't even paid like your electricity bill all right well that's fair that's fair i'm like i could do this start digging the koi pond just like one day at a time yeah and then like maybe i'll have grass at some

point but like let's not worry about that yet that doesn't really add to the value of a house what adds to the value of a house is digging a giant fucking hole full of fish that costs three thousand dollars you have like so many pressing things you told me that you really really want to work on like the truck and like building out like you know a garden or whatever but you're like i go over and you're like waist deep in a mud pit and you're like koi koi fish are coming next week you're like you got a filter for them well you know the koi fish thing is they need a filter. You know what doesn't is like these Amazonian mudfish. They can just sort of live in anything.

They are poisonous, very, very predatory. They can walk on land. But I think it's going to be good for me, man. I think this is what's going to make me not need drugs. I'm imagining you're like, hey, like hey man you gotta check out the pond and i'm like oh you got the coys and you're like no i got something better and it's just a 30 foot by 30 foot mud pit you have alligator gar in there it's like fucking like 10 foot long i have little waterproof flashlights that i've just dropped in there so you can see a little bit it's just black mud and just the top of a gar's nose.

You're like, I wouldn't get too close, man. They're super aggressive. I got to throw a ribeye in here every 20 minutes. They start climbing out. Every time Lily gets outside, I have a panic attack, man, because they keep coming out of the water trying to get at the cats. Dude, I know that we're just joking, but I think an alligator gar pit would be very like very on

brand to like yeah you know the coys i found out for a really nice size koi that's about 500 a piece you got to get first you got to dig the hole that's about two grand then you got to get the filtering system and then you got to tarp it out and you got to do a rock path along it's just man it's tough so i kind of just went over to went over to the lake over here in Fort Worth and just caught me about 25 gar. I'm just going to mate them. I'm going to fill up a big pit back there. Just have an alligator gar hole. Maybe put some bass in there for them to eat.

Throw in a ribeye or two every couple days. Yeah, I think gar could be doable. It's just the stupidest thing to keep as a pet. No, dude, I'm thinking about it. Gars are so fucking stupid, and they serve no purpose. I mean, I know some people in Louisiana. They're not even that mean. They're pretty aggressive, aren't they, I thought?

Not really. Really? I thought they were like aggressive animals. I mean, they will. They have attacked people, but they're kind of just like they just kind of mind their business they're dinosaurs i used to be i used to be terrified of them i don't like the way they look i can't no i can't be doing i haven't seen one in a long time uh yeah that's true i gotta go fishing on the trinity one of these days i live like a few minutes from it i

dude i've been wanting to go i've been been telling you, man, we got to go fishing at some point because I haven't been in years, especially since I was a teenager. Dude, the river near my house fucking was on river monsters. For real? For gars. That's crazy.

That's awesome. But the thing is, he has like this suspenseful music for it and everything. And it's clear that he like probably had to edit out like people tubing on it. Yeah. Because nobody's fucking scared of the Trinity River, dude. It's like... everything and it's clear that he like probably had to edit out like people tubing on it yeah

because nobody's fucking scared of the trinity river dude it's like yeah it's just a regular river now people do people do die here a lot people in the trinity yeah i didn't know that it's crazy like every year somebody died in quicksand here a few years dude i was like how the fuck do you get caught in quicksand indiana ford worth texas dude where do we have quicksand dude if i was going under in quicksand and for like okay if i was going in quicksand in like you know madagascar i'd be like all right well you know i'm on the other side of the world but if me and you were doing a video episode near trinity like near like a mangrove or like a swamp area and i just just got by quicks, I would be so mad.

You'd have to publish it as a video episode. I'm just filming it, and you're like, help. You're not helping me. Help. I'm like, don't worry, Jake. I'm going to get help. But this battery is kind of overheating. I don't know if you can help me with it.

Just dip it in the mud. Fuck, man. I'm like making a chain out of peach rings and trying to pull you up. Fucking god damn it. Well, hey, you know, sometimes just two boys get on a mic and they just spit their truth. They just spit that shit. Sometimes the shit is so true and so cold and so hard that two young men get together and they start a show. And that show is called um the bad faith podcast

just kidding that's right yeah um and uh just kidding it's called pandejo time yeah that's what it's called if you're fans of the free episodes i can't stress this enough because if all of the listeners are the free you know somewhere around the 4 000 of you killed yourselves no that think of how how big of a story that would be we would be we would be in big trouble for articles yeah um if y'all all subscribe me and thomas could have really sick lives i don't know it would help it wouldn't help you that much it would help us though it'd help us come see you yeah yeah if you want us to come to your town And you get great bits like Arthur Bleifeld And what if a guy circumcised his son

With a weed whacker Go ahead and toss us $5 a month At patreon.com slash pendejo time We have something in the works I don't want to talk about it yet Because it's not even really confirmed at all Not even confirmed Got one email about something

And we shouldn't talk about it on the show. Anyway, thank you for joining in. Good night. We are your hosts, Jake and Thomas. Be safe and be Jake. Bye bye. Bye.