Pendejo Time - bad

Episode Date: October 20, 2023

first shitty episode in a while but hey they can't all be winners. Support the Show.

The Sleepy Show. The Sleepy Show. Just a couple of sleepy ass... motherfuckers from the south. Just two true snoozers. Two true snoozing ass motherfuckers from the south. Soothing the sound waves of your ear holes with our sleepy ass voices. I bet y'all motherfuckers wide awake right now, not us.

We recording this shit in our dreams. We record, yeah, we're in the dream zone i got my fucking sleeping cap on i got my fucking slippers i'm fucking going honk me me you know the fucking vibes i just had a dream where i was a high school principal and it was a historically black high school. Historically black high school. Did I ever tell you I almost went to a historically black college? No. I figured that should have came up by now in our friendship. So, like, I didn't, when I was in high school, I don't know if anybody's surprised to hear this i didn't do very well um and uh like i couldn't get into

like any of the schools that i was like we've talked about this before i think on the show but like i just for a long time when i was in high school because like nobody my parents went i was like oh i'm just gonna like go to rice i'm just gonna like get into i'll just go to ut like i didn't really know what the application process looked like and so i just kind of fucked off and i did okay my sat's been not great i think i graduated like bottom 25 of my class but i wanted to leave houston i didn't want to stay there i also didn't get into u of h so you know of course i didn't get into rice so i uh my girlfriend at the time got into ut because she was like top 5% of her class or whatever. So she got auto-accepted.

I wasn't going to UT. So I was looking around schools in the Austin area. And I saw like Concordia, which is like, and I saw like Southwestern, which is in Georgetown. And then I saw Huston Tillotson, and I had never heard of it. Huston Tillotson, and I had never heard of it. And so I was, like, talking to, like, one of the, you know, like the counselors. They don't do anything for high school kids except be like, okay, so you need this to get to college or whatever the fuck.

Mine was like an old ass, like, bone dead lady. And she was like, have you considered any schools? And I was like, well, I got rejected from a lot of places and none of the places are gonna accept me but i want to go to austin so i'm thinking uh there's a school there called huston tillotson and without missing a beat she goes oh the black school the black college i was like what she was like oh yeah it's all it's all it's all black kids that go there i was like like, oh, okay, that's fine. She's like, yeah, I mean, you can apply, but it's just for them. Like the kind of old lady racism that's like not, like she's not saying the N-word, but she just might as well.

You know what I mean? The kind of like, oh, that's where they just send them all. That's hip-hop school. Yeah. That's where they learn how to. That's hip hop school Yeah That's where they learn how to That's where That's at Hellcat College Yeah that's the

University of Trackhawks Oh I majored in Trackhawk and Red Eye and Widebody. I got a minor in a Widebody. My grandfather, he actually has a doctorate in spinners. They really are sick cars, man. It's a funny car to be slabs are weird to be racist about because they took classic cars that made them they made them cooler well like people on like instagram and shit and like twitter will always make jokes about like hellcats and like scat packs and fucking red eyes and the wide bodies and all that stuff track hawks like

oh it's like a a black person car or whatever like people and i'm like those are badass cars like how what makes it a black guy car and they're like oh well just it is i'm like i it just it's just they go fast i don't fucking know a lot of cars go fast you know but uh i like i i want one i was perusing today and i was like what does a hellcat cost it's like 85 000 i was like all right so if i put all my savings in and i pawn everything i own and i trade my car in i can get my payments down to $800 a month with my credit score or whatever the fuck. They're sick as fuck, though.

It would be nice to have one. It'd be nice to have a lot of things in life. Yeah, I'll probably just get a scat pack because I'm humble like that. Yeah, I could see you doing something like that, just flexing on me. I go to fort worth the next month and you've got one in the yard but it's like just in the grass like not even parked

in the driveway are you saying there's something wrong with that no i'm saying you would treat it like shit to upset me as a person who wants to i would probably park it like halfway on the curb halfway yeah yeah you're just like pouring water into the turbocharger like it doesn't As a person who wants to. I would probably park it like halfway on the curb. Halfway. Yeah. Fuck the rims off. Yeah. You're just like pouring water into the turbocharger. You're like, it doesn't matter to me. You know, this is just trash to me. I would probably.

I don't know. I don't even know if I were to buy like a dream new car now. What I would even. Realistically, I'd probably get something pretty boring yeah i like don't like any real new cars other than those to be completely honest i'll probably just get like a v6 camry dude the new cameras look badass they look like fucking sports or honestly the new priuses look sick my buddy got a new

prius they're badass they're really cool uh they're pretty or i would actually my dream car i would probably um have a pt cruiser built from scratch you go to like a one of the what's that badass shop right outside austin hennessey they make the like supercars yeah you're like hey guys i got a really awesome idea for a car i'm a really wealthy man i'm a wealthy businessman by the way i drew up my own schematics and you just hand the guy like a piece of printer paper with your drawing of a pt cruiser on it but with like a like a train engine coming out of the hood. So I'm going to need this stat. I'm going to need this put together.

You know, do you want us to build a PT cruiser from scratch? It's not a PT cruiser. It's a TT cruiser. Thomas Thomas cruiser. This is my Thomas Thomas cruiser. It's my own idea my own i'm gonna trademark it as soon as you guys finish building it so this will be the last one because after this the licensing is

gonna go to a different company to build these it's just my prototype the tt cruiser it's just just like piss yellow this is my PP Cruiser hello my name is PP Cruiser you make it you have to make it like good tidings to you my name is PP Cruiser this is my son his name is Geronimo PT Cruiser

I am beloved FrenchT. Cruiser. I am beloved French author P.P. Cruiser. I am erotic French author P.P. Cruiser. This is my son, T.T. Bruiser. T.T. Bruiser. Beloved French nude painter P pp cruiser yeah i honestly if i were to build my dream car and this is since you asked me i would probably make it half sour gummy sour watermelons and half cherry sours and the middle would probably be made out of Oreos and it would but it would be combined with fuel mechanics so it would go it could go over 50 miles an hour

if you put the and instead of a gas pedal it would be a forward button it would be like a gamer setup you'd have an Xbox controller and you could smoke hell loud and the seat would be made out of this fucking straight up cash

what about you okay well hold on just fucking straight up cash. What about you? Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. It would be just, instead of a bench seat, it would be called a big seat. It would be a big ass, the whole thing is one big ass seat in there. But you've got to sit in the back even if you're driving because there's no front seat.

Well, the front seat is straight cash, so it's like a sofa. It's a cash sofa. You've heard of cash cab. How about cash couch that's in a cab? Yeah. So you've got a forward button. It's the pedal. You've got the bottom.

I guess from the passenger side, rear passenger side on as a gummy worm. Yeah. And from the passenger side forward to the bumper, the engine and stuff, that's a Sour Patch Kid. And then the front seat is a sofa made straight cash. Yes, something along those lines. And Oreos hold it together.

And Oreos, yeah, that is going to be... I would say the wheels would probably be four big-ass Oreos. So your tie rods are like Twizzlers and like condoms and stuff. Okay, ball bearings are just gobstoppers. Popcorn. What about my bullshit? What about your dream car? I'm stuck on yours. Apple Play, you have the dash, but it just plays

hardcore pornography. Honestly, probably my dream car is where I sit on a couch and the car's made out of candy and I watch porn all day. I just beat off while I sit on a couch and the car's made out of candy and I watch porn all day. I just beat off all your drive like a fucking stupid idiot. Dude, like a really dark episode of Pit My Ride

where the guy's like, I'm trying to get a call. I heard you a gooner. I'm trying to get a call from my buddy in exhibits. Like, all right, well, what's he into? He's like, man, like I'm gonna keep it a bill from my buddy and exhibits like, all right, well, what's he into? He's like, man, like, I'm going to keep it a build.

Like, he mostly just into candy and beating off exhibits. Like, what do you mean? He's like, he don't got no job or nothing. That's kind of why he needs a whip. And he don't, like, play music or nothing or, like, hoop. Or, like, he don't even really watch, like, any media other than hardcore, depraved pornography, and he doesn't eat food except for candy so this might be the toughest challenge yet for west side customs exhibits like nah we got it out rolls the tt cruiser ladder hey i heard you like sour patch

kids so the engines are sour patch kid i heard you like pornography. So we fit a 75-inch screen in the inside of the car that only plays the most depraved shit. The car don't even run. We just put it in the garage so you can beat off and eat candy to it. Hey, yo. Yo. I heard you like pronouns. So we made the car out of pronouns. It would be pimp they ride nowadays.

How would you like that? Like insecure open mic. Sorry. I heard that you like fucking heard you're woke, so we made your car gay as fuck yeah oh shit welcome to destigmatize my ride yeah welcome to decolonize my ride yeah we uh where we take a fucking um a car made by first nations people and we put a fucking v8 in it bitch if we put a fucking hemi in that motherfucker how about uh pimp my bride it's way sadder yeah how about we all yo i heard you love your wife so we all fucked her

knock on the guy's door he's all excited oh dude my fucking corolla just shit out on me bro god oh my god who put who put you on of this eggs? Oh shit. Oh eggs. I can't believe exhibits here, bro. Hey, welcome to pin my bride. Oh, you pin my ride nah, homie We're just gonna go in your house, and we're gonna dick your wife down ten in a row I bought the whole crew. I heard you love having a family that's together, so we all fucked your wife How long you been married bro, oh oh 15 years and you love her yeah oh are you gonna put like a little locket in there with like a picture of us like like fuzzy dice but it like hangs out the rearview mirror nah big dog we're all gonna fuck your wife we're gonna put we're

gonna put it to a real good and then we're gonna leave i don't understand you're gonna make me a car no that show got canceled this This is Pimp My Bride. And then there's going to be a PG version called Kiss My Bride where it's just an exhibit. He just goes up and he goes, and then he leaves. It's a real fast. It's a five-second episode. No introduction, no reaction. He just goes up and goes.

What about Gimp My Ride and they just have a retarded guy drive an exhibit around for like ten seasons? and they just have a retarded guy drive Exhibit around for like 10 seasons. How about... How about... Scent My Ride and you have to... The guy's like, oh, fuck, what are we doing here? We're Scent My Ride. Scent My Ride and, I don't know, Exhibit wants to have sex with a girl really bad.

How about it's French Muff Fries and it's you clocking into McDonald's every fucking day. Trying to live my life. What about shrimp fried rice?

Damn. Damn. How about what about it's a how about pimp time flies and it's just it's just us reflecting on the past and shit the passing of time how it consumes us all yeah isn't that the exhibit in and of itself damn exhibit knocking on your door and being like damn dog you're getting

older bro and people that you love are dead now And like you You just kinda You don't Nothing tastes as good as it did When you were a boy And You know Nothing's fun no more You don't derive pleasure from anything Anyway man

Yo I heard you like dog fighting We put a dog cage in In your family vehicle And now There's two kind of corso's in there Going at it as we speak Hey bro I heard you like Not going to jail

So we Fucking put Ten kilos of cocaine in the trunk of your car and the police are on their way right now. Yo, I heard you like hitting your wife, so we've made your car into a police cruiser. How about that? That would probably be unrealistic. I don't think they would do that I heard you like gay sex

So we put a guy in your car For you to have sex with Yeah I heard you like gay sex So this is Jake's car Oh my god He went there Oh my god Yeah I heard you

Yeah you got me I heard you like asex so this is my car me exhibit exhibit uh i i feel like didn't they take people's cars that they already had yeah but if they were too fucked up they like like built them a new one or some shit i remember reading that like some of those car straight weren't legal to have on the road it was like there was like a tragic backstory to some of those kind of like extreme home makeover i don't know if you ever read but like the people would get their houses like completely made and paid for like these poor people but then the property taxes or whatever would go up on the house and the insurance and they

couldn't afford it so they just would have to like the house would get foreclosed on but yeah like guys would the pit my ride car some of them like they just they would get fucked up and the guys couldn't afford to get anything like done to them because they were broke a much better but less interesting show was like you go to a broke guy and you're like here's a 2003 corolla man nothing's ever going to happen to this thing if you change the oil on it it'll it'll go forever it doesn't have AC, but, you know, it's a nice car. Alright, see you later, brother. Oh, man.

Nowadays, what these kids need to hear is a show called Stay By My Side. It's about the Lord being with them all the time. It's about their dad not leaving. That's stupid. I don't think it would be about that. I think it would be about... I think that's what it would be about.

You ever think about what kind of dad you're going to be? Yeah, I'm going to hit the fuck out of my kids. I'm going to be really abusive. I'm probably going to hit them with chains and stuff. I'm going to set them on fire. I'm going to put gasoline into their food. I'm gonna give them poison. Daddy Thomas, not

gasoline soup again. Ah, fuck you. I hate you. And then I would give them rat poison and blow them up. What's for dinner? A fucking piece of, uh, shit. That's a turd. Fuck you. Piece of poop, you broke-ass motherfucker.

Oh, it's a fucking rock in your head, you piece of shit. You got no money, you broke-ass asshole. I spent $10 on you this week, you fucker. I bought you 100 eggs. You can't fucking make any of them. Stupid. Sitting your son down, he'd be like,

you have a hundred eggs for this month. That's your food. You make it last. Fuck you. Loser. I bought a thousand potatoes for this family. You guys only ate seven this week. I gotta fucking,

I gotta take this fucking truckload of potatoes to work every day cause there's no room for them in this house cause nobody eats these fucking potatoes I got 50 pounds of hardtack for the family and nobody's eating it I guess I'm the only one who still drinks rum around here glad you fuckers told me you don't drink rum anymore it's like you go to the grocery rum anymore. It's like,

you go to the grocery store and your wife's like, okay, it was like, we're getting a thousand potatoes and hardtack ingredients. That's it. I don't want any more tomatoes. I bought a hundred of them last week.

We only ate nine. You know, I'm trying to think about like how our respective girlfriends, fiancés, whatever, would respond. If we just woke up and were like that for one hour, they would leave so fast. Like, if you were at the grocery store with Eden and you seriously, like, you weren't joking. You were like, I'm tired of this.

1,000 tomatoes and 1,000 potatoes. Like, she would be like, once she realized that something had happened to you, she'd be like, okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. We're going to go in the car. she'd be like once she realized that something had happened to you she'd be like okay alright I'm yeah I'm okay we're gonna go we're gonna go in the car we're eating

it's gasoline soup or 1000 potato dinner I want it I never want them to have cereal at the house I don't want them to try it

I want them to eat I want them to eat a piece of bark what's for dinner tonight a knuckle sandwich I want them to try it. I want them to eat a piece of bark. What's for dinner tonight? A knuckle sandwich and a huge piece of bark and a fucking turd. You want to know what's for dinner? Go outside and chew on that oak out there.

Yeah. Just gnaw on the root system. Oh, you're going to grow up hard like I did. You're going to eat a casserole made out of shit. Yeah, I baked my poop into it. so you can learn how to be a man. There's poop and bleach in there. We got too many soft

men these days, so I think son, what we're going to start doing is I'm going to start feeding you poop. And we're going to start eating bark together. Well, I'm going to have ribeyes, but I'm going to start eating bark together. Well, I'm going to have ribeyes, but I'm going to start feeding you wood, chips,

plastic pellets. If a chicken can eat it, you can eat it. You're just as smart. Yeah, hogs eat fucking plastic waste all the time. What are you saying? You're smarter than a pig? You're dumb as shit. I don't teach you how to read.

It's too hard to teach a child how to read. I don't even want to have a kid. You need to hunt at school. You need to find animals out at recess. You need to bring them home to make them hungry. I haven't eaten in days. Papa is hungry. He's tired of having a potato.

Oh, another chipmunk. Not. I don't want that shit anymore. Quit bringing me chipmunks. Just raise like a feral, like beast. Father, I brought you a squirrel.

Father, I brought... Why does he sound like an old New York Jew? When I was young, I used to stalk elk in the forest for my father. Now our boys have become so soft from Fortnite and Kaisenat and Speedy and Aiden Ross. And, you know, the other day my son brought home nothing but 15 octopuses and 75 tomatoes and 10 rulers and 15 snow globes and 20 loaves of bread and 100 fishes and 200 stones. And that's all he brought me.

And I scolded him. I said, what do you expect me to do? I said, go back into the basement and work on your mother's Etsy gifts. We must make more coffee mugs that say liberal tears. We must make more t-shirts that say in God that we trust. In Glock we trust as well. How do you think we buy all these potatoes? that we trust, and Glock we trust as well. How do you think we buy all these potatoes?

I need you to go back into the fields and find me 500 strawberries, 100 blackberries, 200 raspberries, 300 blackberries, 300 more of them than before.

So 400 blackberries. But father of them than before. So 400 blackberries. But father, that's 600 quiet. 500 rhubarbs. Then I need you to pour concrete for nine hours. I need 1,000 peaches by sundown. I need 100,000 mangoes by noon. And five coconut. 100,000 mangoes by noon.

And five coconut. If you want to earn your father's love, you'll bring me 100 guavas. Go out into the field and pick yourself 7,000 switches for your spanking of 7,000. I will hit you with one one time.

Did you ever have to pick a switch? No, my dad used those paint stirrers from Home Depot. No, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We never really got, like, physically disciplined. My family's, my parents' idea of discipline was, like, my dad would just say, where are you, the dumbest motherfucker of all time?

I'd be like, what? He's like, he's stupid, idiot. And I'm like, oh, okay. My mom wasn't, like, like 20 i guess when i would have been a kid bad at like bad enough she was like i work at sonic yeah i don't know what the fuck i'm doing but uh i love when guys who were abused as children insist that they're normal you know and like insist that it's okay like Like, the angriest, most fucked up guy

that you know is like, my dad beat the fuck out of me and I turned out fine. Spare the ride, spoiled child. You know? You don't hate your kids, you're not raising them.

These kids need to learn. And the guy has like, Your son need to be nervous. Yeah. If your kid ain't walking around avoiding eye contact, just crying, just crying, himself to sleep and shit man he ain't gonna turn out okay he gonna end up hugging his wife and shit i'm fucking i'm so normal and my dad whooped the fuck out of me i stare in the girl's apartment

windows three and a half hours after work and fucking i'm fine you know i get a flat tire i fucking find the first stray cat i see and i rip his fucking tail off because that's fucking that's what mans do that's what men's does i can't imagine i mean i guess if you had it done to you you know like you know violence and stuff is kind of hereditary in that way but insisting that you're fine is one of the more troubling things that not fine people do like this i think i think joe said something about that the other day actually who joe mama that the other day, actually. Who? Joe Mama.

Oh. How's Joe Mama doing these days? He's good. I heard he relapsed. Yeah, he got into a... He got into a fight the other day with... He was living with P.P. Cruiser there for a while. Yeah, he was. Erotic painter, yeah.

They used to both go to Harvard. Harvard University. I thought they went to the hellcat college yeah they did but they both they uh they had to get to they went to community college at harvard and then harvard okay yeah harvard and then they they both transferred to Hellcat University. And I believe Joe Mama majored in whips, in pulling up in awesome whips stuff. And I think PP, I think he was majoring in something like... Sliding on them one time. Yeah, like sliding on ops.

And upping the Uzi and stuff. Up the blower, yeah. Pulling the toolie, letting it barf. Yeah, I looked into... What was it I looked into? I forget. You were saying that you were trying to get a degree in on-phone NIM. That's what you were telling me.

Yeah, I looked into it. But it just wasn't for me. It wasn't a good fit. I tell you what. They make it real easy to clear your throat nowadays. Christ. Yeah, they do. They try to for like an hour.

And it's just not. Some people would say, hey, Thomas, why don't you drink water? Well, I'm a professional, and I'm not going to drink water while doing a podcast. I'm just going to cough the whole time. It's much more professional. I just ate a bunch of kratom. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you're going to go to hell now. You're going to have a really bad night, Jake. You took way too much, way more than you realized probably no you ate too much 12 you ate too much and your teeth are falling out now you're they're loose in your gums we were smoking at your place and i was like we're like doing the episode you were like you're really high and everyone knows it you're crazy high like in hindsight that

was the night that we did the johnny tony episode in hindsight i'm kind of glad you did say that because i was about to eat another one of those edibles and you were like dude there's no reason to do that everyone here is so fucked up like everyone like you do not you are so high everyone can tell and i like did get a little insecure for a second because it was just you and me and eden but i was like dude am i acting weird we're just watching this japanese lady make fucking pink jelly inserts and like rose candy i forgot about those dudes pink jelly inserts you like leaned over to me and you were like i was like i think i'm about to have another one of these and you're like everyone knows that you're high like everyone can tell you're high right now and i was like i one of these. And you're like, everyone knows that you're high. Like, everyone can tell you're high right now.

And I was like, I feel all right. You're like, you're fucked up, dude. You were, though. I was very fucked up. The thing was, I recognized that you were about to tip yourself over and then freak out. No, you autocorrected me, and I appreciate that. We had another episode to record. Yeah, if you had not been so forward with it,

if you had not been so aggressive, I probably would have been like, oh, I'll eat a half then. But you literally looked me dead in the eyes, and everyone in the whole world knows how funny that is. Your mom knows. Just the scariest thing you can say to somebody to get them to not take more

i love doing that's that's my favorite part of smoking with people though is it's just you know they're like two hits and they might just say something about life and it's like man wouldn't it be crazy if like you died later today dude people people hate when you say shit like that dude they get like any everybody says they're not superstitious but say it's like yeah i'm gonna die in two hours and they fucking freak out well no like when you when you reach a critical point when you're high it's like anything anything can blow the high like anything i'm talking like with weed like if there was a thing that we would do to each other if anybody was too crossed like at the house and we were out in public and we needed somebody to

get it together we would snag their phone from them like if they set it on the table right and then they would start looking around for it but i don't know and that would help sober them up a little bit and then we would go to that person like, hey, I found your phone, bro. Your mom's calling you. She's called like three times. That would just like... They'd be like, dude, what's she calling for? I'm like, oh, no, she didn't call at all,

and I took your phone, but you were acting like an asshole, and I need you to get it together. And they're like, fuck you. And I'm like, see, but how do you feel right now? And they're like, dude, honestly, pretty... I was feeling pretty sick there for a second. You feel good?

Yeah, like, works like a charm every time whenever edgar would tell me when we live in together at the dorms you'd be like bro you need to call your mom back did i be so high impossibly high i'd immediately sober because i just just like hello yeah like it's it is funny though to tell people like uh hey dude have you ever thought about killing yourself? Have you ever, like, I know you're really high right now, but have you ever thought about how there's a lot of shit going on? You ever thought about, like, you might have brain cancer? Dude, that one's not funny. Dude, when I get too high, I start, like, I convince myself I have, like, stage four liver cancer and I'm dying.

Yeah, that's okay. You'll be all right. It's really annoying for people. What are you going to do, fucking die? Then you don't even have to worry about it. You're just gone. It's not your problem anymore. Yeah, that's okay. It's really annoying for people. What are you going to do? Fucking die? Then you don't even have to worry about it. You're just gone. It's not your problem anymore. Yeah, it kind of solves itself eventually.

Yeah, that's a cool thing about... People worry so much about terminal illnesses. What you really got to worry about is non-terminal illnesses because you just got to... Something else,-terminal illnesses because you just got to something else it never resolves itself it's always yeah uh you know is i i'll just say it i think me having to deal with with moderate asthma is a lot worse than people who have you know say hodgkin's lymphoma right you know something like als you know me i have to blow my

nose almost every day and sometimes one side is all stopped up and the other isn't like right now and sometimes um i have to grab my inhaler and i have to use it, and then I'm back to normal. I like it when people's mental illness diagnoses are like badges to them. Yeah, it's cool. It's awesome. It's like, hey, you're fucking not a functional member of society. Right. You need to be eradicated, dude. Is there no solidarity among the damned?

I remember having a conversation. I had gotten out of the hospital and was talking with a friend of a friend at a bar. They were like, oh, you were an inpatient? I was like, no, I'm outpatient. They were like, oh, I went inpatient. I was like, cool. Oh, wow. And they were like, oh, you know, and I was like, well, I have bipolar too.

And they're like, oh, that's the easy one. You're lucky. And they're like, I have, you know, like, I'm bipolar 1 and I're like oh that's the easy one you're lucky and they're like i have you know like i'm bipolar 1 and i have bpd uh you're like oh yeah i have fucking down syndrome dude yeah yeah i have down syndrome my dick doesn't work i just got it uh just now from talking to you i'm fucking i am it's insanely more developed than I deserve. The idea that... Oh, yeah, I have the first one. Bipolar II is easy.

Like, yeah, it's pretty easy, man. Yeah, historically, it's always been pretty... Super simple. ...across the board. You know, like... It's almost like it's one of the only ones that isn't fucking made up. I have borderline personality disorder,

meaning I'm fucking annoying. i've that was one like i'm not trying to do any mental health erasure all right i'm just i am some if you're are you fucking crazy or not you got to make up your mind yeah if you're young if you're young and you're listening to this and you're on like 15 medications, you've got to listen up. You've got to fucking decide whether you're going to be a crazy, depressed person or not. If you want to not be one, then you don't get to make it. Don't make it your identity. You can still be on medications. You can just not fucking tell people.

It's crazy. If you have to. The things in life you can go your whole life without telling pretty much anybody that you come across other than family. If you're on Prozac or whatever, that's life. People are on that stuff. A lot of people are on it. I was for a while. Then I realized I'm not a bitch-made motherfucker.

And I got off it. I got off of it. And then later I did rip my shower curtain because i got angry but you know yeah five months out of the year i just i can't leave my bed you know yeah just fucking can't shower i can't brush my you know why because jake's dick is too big from not taking lithium it's huge huge you know what they give lithium to? Batteries. Are you a battery? No, you're a human being.

Yeah. And your job is to fucking go out there and be a man, not be on a bunch of stuff that makes your penis turn into a baby carrot. Yeah, and you gain a bunch of weight. Now, on the contrary, Adderall actually is not even a medicine. It's actually kind of a multivitamin. Yeah. So if you heard all that and you thought, well, what about Adderall?

It's a whole different thing. Yeah, it's like – It's not something that lazy people use as an excuse to just sort of do tasks like taking out the trash. It's actually sort of a genius compound to help geniuses do even more genius things such as... Neurotypical stuff. Such as defrost chicken. Yeah. And go to work it's not just like coffee too for me it's it's like it helps me like because i'm neurodivergent all right my neurodivergent ass you know like my neurodivergent ass be fucking not knowing how to deal with his executive dysfunction and And so I take Adderall

and it makes me really good at logging into my computer and responding to emails. Which otherwise, without Adderall, I legitimately don't know how I would do it. It's not like I was doing it for years up until I was failing. Yeah.

If you have trauma in your life, I was talking to my buddy about this yesterday. if you have trauma in your life i was talking to my buddy about this yesterday if you have trauma in your life um it was uh we saw a tiktok and this girl was at starbucks in the drive-thru and she was saying uh she was girl gave her her drink for free and she goes if she was filming herself the phone was on i guess on the steering wheel and she was like i just this moment of kindness just gave me so much hope because my husband died my husband died like she was it was like a minute and a half long video and you can hear the starbucks lady being like here's the thing about things that happen in your life if you're not

making a joke out of it write it down i don't i if you're not If you're not making some sort of funny thing about it, or maybe like a book or a movie, we don't... Most people don't give a fuck. This means so much to me, because my husband died getting his back blown out. By a forklift

driver. There, I did it for you. It's easy. Nobody wants too much Sincere emotion packed Right, right They don't want it prolonged If it's packed into a couple sentences All good, good to go

Don't try to take up ten minutes Of somebody's time With some more shit They're precious time on this earth You only have so much of it. If they're already having to work at Starbucks, they don't want to fucking hear about your life. No, they don't.

Chances are they're doing cool stuff with theirs. When I experienced tragedy in my life, I've done it to people. Drunk, usually. When I've had too many and I'm like, yeah, you know, man, X or Y or Z.

And they're like, hmm. And then afterwards, I feel like an idiot and a dumbass. And you should. The thing about oversharing is if it's not something like an ironic musing, if it's not like a funny story, it's just... People walk around and the inside of their head is like gotta take the trash out when i get home i gotta feed my dog and i gotta feed my son no part of their head is like i really hope a stranger tells me that their husband died today

you know what i mean that's all i think about i God, I really want to hear a deep story from a dumbass widow or something. Yeah, go to a support group or something. I'm really anti-widow nowadays. I'm just kidding. It's very funny. You know, people used to be, widows used to be like the main thing, the main source of charity. You know what I mean? Yeah, like back in the

turn of the century. We've got to bring that back. It was like widows and children and then mothers. They would give you cake and make you food and give you harvest. I guess at the time, though, women didn't really

get to have jobs. Anything else. If your husband died, it was the best thing that ever happened to you because you probably didn't get beat too much and you got a bunch of free shit. Yeah. A bunch of free cookie. Yeah, free cookie. Oh, my husband, he died and I need free cookie. Oh, my guy, he died.

Pulling up to the Starbucks and putting your camera on your steering wheel. Oh, my guy, I can't believe it. My husband, he died pulling up to the starbucks and putting your camera on your steering wheel hello i can't believe oh my god i can't believe it my husband died my husband died my whole village come together and give me one big free cookie my husband died he choke on cookie and then whenever he die from cookie my cookie my whole town come together give me big fairy cookie I eat it for weeks I felt like

in that show with the mice the cartoon with the mice whenever they eat little crumbs of cookie from the cartoon. I know that I'm taking up some of your time and there are people behind me in the line. But unfortunately, I must divulge to you, kind of stranger, that thank you for my pumpkin spy.

Very good. and spy a very good it will just take me about 14 minutes to tell you that my husband he died and and when he died the whole city come together and they give me a cookie. So be, I never have to get another one. Hello. You start over. Hold on. My husband, his name, my name McQueen.

He used to be a fast race car. See, my Filipino husband, Lightning McQueen Flores, with an S, he was so... He drove a car

that was so speedy. It was Ray. Ray. It was Barry Ray. And one time he go out to the Ray track and he was

doing the thing where the the lady's like drifting. No, when you slide and your car goes. He did it into a wall and he explode. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Thank you for listening to my story. I'm sorry for taking up and making lines so long but i have so much pain in my heart my husband hello my husband he explode thank you hello hello adios hello hola como estas my husband go my husband go if I was

if I was a widower though I would definitely like live in a white house a lighthouse or something though I think yeah well the thing about me I would get up to some weird shit you just start doing like uh like you do alchemy yeah i would i would be a very omen uh very ominous type guy yeah i know now i'm just i'm all you know i'm more i'm right now i'm more of a bubbly like chris farley type guy, but I would become more, you know, slower, darker.

Calculating. Yeah. Critical. I'd probably start killing people. Yeah. I'd probably start killing people and butchering up their bodies, and I would do science experiments to them. Would you have sex with them? No. Okay. I think I would lose science experiments to them. Would you have sex with them?

No. Oh, okay. I think I would lose all interest in sex. But I would probably start dressing like a chef or something like that. Yeah, like a plague doctor? Yeah, or like a vampire. Mm-hmm. Your friends are like,

Hey, man, look, I don't even know if I should be telling you this right now because I know you're in a moment of pain. It feels wrong to say anything. I know she died, man, but you don't have to dress like Gandalf anymore. Like, I'm not even sure how that helps you cope. To be completely honest with you, you know i know time heals all wounds they say and there's no such thing as a proper way to grieve but why are you dressed like michael jackson from the thriller music video is how does that to honor her memory does she Do you like him? I think Trying to think of what my

Ideal Get up would be I think I would dress like The old man from animal cemetery Or pet cemetery I always fucking think it's animal cemetery Because it's animals that are in the movie Yeah

Dude that's a spooky-ass movie. Every single time my mind says Animal Cemetery. You know what I do a lot? I say Hank of the Hill. I do it all the time. What's that episode of Hank of the Hill? And my buddy will go, Hank of the Hill? Yeah?

And I'm like, fuck! I do it all the fucking time. Yeah, being a widower, I feel like you would get a lot of sympathy. It would be something that you could use to... You really gotta fuck up

bad for people to not be sympathetic. Yeah, you had to kill your wife. You would have had to be the cause of the widowing. Or if she killed herself because you were so horrible. That's usually a huge no-no. Very frowned upon in the husband community. Yeah, it's crazy that they don't let you kill your wife.

It's fucked up. I don't know, this woke world. They did pretty much forever. All of human history, and then the woke mind virus took hold of the West, and now you came and killed your wife. We're like 20 years out of killing your wife territory. Yeah, yeah. How far removed do you think we are, really?

Because I feel like, in my mind, before 1900, all bets were off, especially if you lived away from the city. I had a great-great-uncle who was married five times and two or three of his wives died. Mysteriously or natural causes? I think one died. One pretty mysterious. One was suicide.

Then one was like cancer, I think. I don't know about the rest. I don't know if all of them died or if some of them got divorced or whatever. Yeah, I feel like you just kind of like before. If you have two wives kill themselves, you are the problem. One, you know, that happens sometimes. But two, that's on you.

Jim Carrey's girlfriend killed herself because of him. Yeah. Tough crowd. Yeah. It's funny that he has the interviews where he's like you know the world is a place where love used to live and now hate moved next door uh-huh he gets very matter of fact with his like wordy prosy gay shit hate moved next door. And, you know. Problem is, is that when the price of real estate goes up,

hate starts planting seeds. And he says shit like that, and it's like the suicide notes on the internet. You can read it. I think he, like, got her addicted to cocaine and gave her herpes, and then she was like, I gotta get out of here or something. Which I guess, you know,

you can't get people addicted to drugs. You know, people make their own choices. Oh, no. Drug addiction is a choice. Yeah. You know, at the end of the day, he was method acting for a role he did not get. And that's okay. He was going to play... Who knows?

Maybe he wanted to be in Wolf of Wall Street. Instead of Leonardo DiCaprio, it was going to be Jim Carrey. That would have made that movie's dog shit. It would have made it horrible. It would have fucking sucked. You get Leo's sexy ass out of there? Yeah. Got nothing.

Yeah. You get Leo's sexy ass out of there. Yeah. Got nothing. Yeah. One of my favorite pieces of Hollywood trivia is Ryan Gosling wanted to be in the Lovely Bones. But he was too fit. So they were like, all right, come back.

Like, put some weight on and come back. So for, like, I think, like, two months, he just, like, drank gallons of ice cream and just ate like 10,000 calories a day. And came back like 30 pounds heavier and then they gave it to a different actor. They were like, I'm sorry, man. That seems like something that would happen to one of us. Like we get a somehow something this this lends itself to or leads itself to some sort of TV or movie thing. And they're like, all right, Thomas, you're going to be the comedic love interest in this new Adam McKay movie. But we need you to gain about 70 pounds. And you're like, easy, done.

And then you show up to film, and they gave it to me. And I get to kiss. It's a gay movie. I get to kiss the guy that i want to kiss there's a guy i've always there's a guy i've always wanted to kiss and have sex with i think the straightest answer you can do is like i don't know like like yeah like george it has to be a leading man from the 90s yeah like brad pitt where it's like you don't have to think that hard. So it's like, yeah, you know. If you pick somebody super specific, it's a little bit weird.

Yeah, I'm like. Like modern day, Timothy Chalamet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to have sex with the guy that played Elvis. That's, yeah, I can't think of the guy's name. Austin Butler, I think. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. People say we look alike. They say that I

should have been an Elvis. They say that I'm a more handsome version of him. People told me that about the Malcolm X movie. They said you look like Denzel? Yeah. They said I look more like Malcolm X than he did.

Which I kind of bought. I feel like in a lot of ways, I am the Malcolm X than he did. Which I kind of bought. I feel like in a lot of ways I am the Malcolm X of this generation. Who was it that said that it was a white actor? I think it was Jonah Hill that said Kanye approached him and asked Jonah if he wanted to play him in a movie. Like a movie about Kanye's life. And I think it was Jonah Hill. I'm like 80% sure in an interview he was like

it might have been Shia LaBeouf it was Shia LaBeouf I'm pretty sure I'm more sure about Shia than I am Jonah but in the interview he was like are you kidding and Kanye was like dead serious no it's going to be transgressive like you're going to play me

yeah that would be cool i want to be a movie star it'd be cool if it was danny mcbride dude hey motherfuckers uh this it's called yeezus hey pussies um this was called it's just called paris it's all it's called yeah he would say it danny would stand would say it he would he would stand on business he would say it. Danny would say it. He would say it. He would stand on business, as they say. He would stand on... I don't know if you... I really don't know if you're standing on business right now.

Danny would stand on business. Yeah, we should have named our company Stand On. Stand On Business. Yeah, that might exist. S-O-B. S-O-B. S-O-B Click. Sob. Mm-hmm.

Wow. Ain't no sob stories over here. The only sob we know is Stand On Business. No. No. I wonder if I should get a life insurance policy. We're like suck on business. More like suck on balls, dude.

That's... No. More like suck on penis. More like... Suck on penis. More like stand on penis. That's what I'd fucking say. Man, dude, I've just been fucking whipped lately.

Really? Yeah, whooped tired. You know. That's so sad. I don't got no fucking... Don't you guys feel so sorry for Jake? I don't. He's literally sitting on a throne right now in his awesome Beverly Hills apartment.

Podcast millionaire complaining about oh, I'm tired. I'm tired from flying on private jets all day. I'm tired from our world tour. We just got back from Beijing, dude. I would love to do shows in China. We got like 10 listeners over there, but...

Yeah, it could just be people with VPNs. I don't know. Who uses a VPN to listen to podcasts? People use... I used to have a VPN enabled at all times. And I would just kind of... This is like when I was in middle school and didn't really understand that my data was long gone.

Right, yeah, yeah. But I would just always have it on. I don't know. What's that Street Beefs, the only ad that sponsors them? The ghost VPN and the slogan is don't let your past haunt you. Don't let your past haunt you. That's. Yeah, it's definitely for not good things.

For one type of guy. But it's okay. For chill-ass motherfuckers, dude. Some of the chillest guys, you know? Yeah, I don't think most people with a VP are like, hell yeah, I can finally do illegal stuff on here. The only guys that I knew that had it were... But that one specifically did look like it.

Yeah, that one did. I mean, the people that I knew that had them were just... They bought drugs off poor. That was it. Which, like, This was ten years ago when they had Evolution and Silk Road and stuff. Back in the good old days.

Back in the good old days when you could get Molly delivered to your house in a teddy bear. Oh, I'm getting a bear from Denmark. Got ten E-pills in it, baby. E's ecstasy. Put it in your butthole. This one's going to go up late.

We're doing, guys, we're doing sometimes. So podcasting is really hectic, right? It's really difficult. Sometimes you spend like nine hours making clips, and then you forget to podcast. Sometimes you choke on chicken and almost die on the road. Isn't that right, Thomas thomas yeah that's right you know sometimes you didn't have lunch and so you're eating a big ass chicken breast just with a fork and you're just taking big chunks out of it with your mouth

while you're eating and you think you have a water bottle but it rolled under your seat now you can't get it and you're doing 80 on i20 and you start choking a little bit but you think i know what to do i just keep swallowing you know and then it goes down that's how food works and you start doing that you know and then suddenly it's been about 10 minutes you can't breathe you're still trying to swallow the same right same chunk of food vision starts getting a little blurry you go hey I really should not pass out while

driving a motor vehicle it's not a good idea for other drivers or yourself so you just start hitting yourself in the chest really hard and you know it comes out but what you don't know at the time is that all the spit you've been swallowing to get that chicken down has not gone past the chicken. It's been just sitting right there.

So you make a fool of yourself in your 2014 Honda CR-V that you owe $11,000 on. And then you get home, and your girlfriend's there, and she says, how was work? And you say, it was amazing. Happy birthday, man. I didn't even get to tell you in person, bro.

Happy birthday, dude. Happy, the big two four for Thomas. Oh, thank you so much. That means so much to me. I'm so glad to be fucking 24 years old. 24 is a good age. It was a good age for me. You know, my life fell apart when I was 24 and I had to move back in with my mom.

It was a solid age. Sounds like a fucking loser to me, but I think, you know, I think this is the year when I finally become a millionaire. I think I'm safe saying that. You know, I've been making, you know. $2,000 a month. Right. I've been making i've been making you know two thousand dollars a month right i've been making really good money last few years i mean we're talking close to average almost thirty two thousand dollars a year before taxes yeah yeah yeah and i think this is the year i probably make half a million maybe a full million the show's been the show's just with mindset

you know and all you have to do to become a podcast millionaire is have your friends who are podcast millionaires bring you on your show. Mm-hmm. You do that enough, and then some guy goes, oh, hey, you can come to my show, too. And then, you know. And then next thing you know, we're up on the billboards. Yep. Or you go to Chicago. It can happen to anybody, even you, dear listener.

Speaking of Chicago, if you loved this awesome episode of Pendejo Time. Maybe our best ever. Dude, honestly, here's the thing. I'm not mad about it because we haven't had one this bad in a long time. I can comfortably say that I don't think they're all great, but I can't remember the last time we had one that sucked dick this bad. And it was really bad.

And if you got all the way through this, then you are a real fucking trooper. And you're sick. It's been a while. It's been about a year or so I would say. The last time we had one I was unlistenable. Just a real stinker.

Just a real piece of shit. Like I, you know, but you know, you got to, you take your licks, you know, you can admit, hey, this wasn't the best. And we had to exhibit, pit my wife. Yeah, we had to fuck my wife. And I think that was literally it. Hellcat University. That was, yeah.

There was some that were get going for me, but my brain isn't working. Yeah, that's okay. It's okay. But hey, you know what? You can say to your audience, you can say to the thousands of people who listen to your show, that sucked really bad. But you stick through it and you get the good ones. Chinese AI Thomas, Unique Pipe Fitter.

You stick with the gang and you get the good ones. Chinese AI Thomas, Unique Pipe Fitter. You stick with the gang, and you get the good shit. Anyway, stick with the gang. We got Chicago November 10th. Oblock. Not on Oblock. It's actually a pretty nice area at Shuba's Tavern over by Lincoln Hall in Chi-Town, baby. Over by Lincoln Hall in Chi-Town, baby. We're coming for a nice Friday night headliner show for our wonderful fans. And we'll have something exclusive for you there.

No telling what that might be. Nope. But it will be just for you guys. It will be just for you guys. And if you're listening to this, you're probably listening on a Friday. If you're listening to it, it'll come out right now. But get your tickets now. You can find them on the Patreon, patreon.com slash pendejotime.

Or on our Instagram, our Twitter, any of that. Also, we have a TikTok now if you want to go follow that. Yeah, follow us on TikTok and subscribe to the YouTube. Yeah. We're going to put more stuff up there. Thomas is coming up this weekend. We're going to film some video episodes. And you know what we haven't done in a while?

We should get back to the rapping. Maybe we could throw a couple of new tracks on the fucking... Maybe. We'll have to see. We'll have to see how we're feeling. Yeah, come to the Shubas. Subscribe to the Patreon. You go to patreon.com slash pandejo time. Five bucks gets you access to Discord and a bonus episode a week.

Ten bucks gets you access to those things plus video episodes. Fifty bucks a month. You're just a cool ass motherfucker with a big set of nuts and a big ol' sack of cash and we motherfucker with a big set of nuts and a big old sack of cash. And we fuck with you heavy. I think that's everything we've got to pitch and everything that we've got to plug. Yeah. All right.

See you. Bye. Bye.