Pendejo Time - banana island

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

thomas goes to the Dominican Republic to find a wife Support the Show.

Yeah. Yeah, so I'm chilling last night because, you know, the boys down south, they're having a couple snow days here. And I'm chilling, you know, I've been doing some work that day, you know, catching up on homework, all that. Anyway, so I'm in this group project for one of my classes. I doubt any of the women in there are listeners of the pod just gonna say safe bet none of them will hear this all right nothing against any of them yeah they scheduled a meeting on facetime a five-way facetime call at 9.50 last night. Okay. That's when they wanted to have it.

That's when they scheduled it. So I thought, all right, my job is to not get fucked up. Yeah. Because I don't have school tomorrow. I don't have anything due tomorrow. Yeah. I have to make it to 9. p.m yeah not fucked up pretty easy by every metric you know to just all you do is is you is you don't get fucked up and then i had

two and a half years oh man sober as a fucking gopher and uh well yeah so it rolled you know the clock hits about 6 p.m i think hey what could go hey how about we just have one right what's the worst that could happen just one just one nobody ever gets drunk after they have one you know nobody ever keeps drinking after that so i had one all right and i only had like three or so three or four in the fridge so i was like okay i mean it's not like what's the worst that could happen you drink yeah i drink four beers and then I go to bed too early or something. Yeah, yeah. Well, I thought there's no way I'm going to travel through the solid frozen ice to get

to the corner store and buy more beer. Yeah. Jake, you are not going to believe this. Yeah. That is exactly what happened. Yeah. That sounds about right. Within about an hour um yeah and

you know and then sometimes that zaza just comes around and it catches you by surprise you know yeah of course and then sometimes you are um pretty much obliterated by like 9 p.m and uh and it's 8 30 and you think okay i can sober up in an hour and 20 minutes yeah a little bit to where i'm not like at a level where people don't feel comfortable talking to me you know um yeah and then and then at 8 50 somebody just starts a call say hey i'm just starting the meeting now. You guys can hop in. And you think, okay, here's what I'm going to do. All right. Because I'm fucked up.

Here's what I'm going to do. Yeah. I'm going to do the professional thing here. And make myself a cup of tea. Okay. After which I'll drink this cup of tea which will solve and then i will be sober and i'll be more sober than before and then i'm gonna get on this meeting and i'm gonna have some really good ideas yeah and i'm not gonna frighten these 19 year old girls. Yeah. Um, so what I did was I definitely made

a cup of, made a cup of tea and I spent probably the next couple hours drinking that cup of tea. And then I thought, all right, I'm about ready. I'm about... I think I'm ready to have this meeting. I go, I look. Hey, it's about 1130. I'm thinking, you know what? I'm on the... I think I'm about ready to have this meeting and then go to bed. Yeah.

And hey, meeting happened a long time ago. Yeah. And guess who still doesn't know what chapter we are even covering? Right. Doing great in school in general, but speech class is kicking my ass for no reason. Did you ever have to sing that song? Yeah, I ended up singing Roger Miller, King of the Road.

That's not too bad. Just because it's, yeah, you know. King of the Road, yeah, that's pretty. Yeah, you know, that's kind of like, you can too bad just because it's yeah you know king of the road yeah that's pretty yeah you know that's kind of like you can sing it badly and it's like it's not like oh this guy's yingling no it's so it's so funny that like literally pretty much like clockwork it's like our shifts ended like yeah like i fucking christmas christmas day i went to houston and uh nothing even It's like our shifts ended. Like I fucking Christmas, Christmas day. I went to Houston and nothing even particularly like, you know, like I went and visited my mom and my brother and we all got drunk.

And it wasn't even like a particularly bad hangover or it's not like me and my mom got done. I just woke up and I was like, I think I'm done here for a little while. And like literally like eight days later, you're like, dude, this crazy thing happens. I don't know if you ever heard of this. If you drink seven beers and you smoke weed from the gas station, you get really fucked up. Yeah, it's I think I just kind of forgot what it was like. Like, I know it is like because I've gone stretches before what's funny is this is the longest i've gone without drinking i think since i was probably like 19 or 20 years old

which is retarded to say but whatever some some guys hey it's normal for some guys to start drinking in sixth grade and then just like and then just anyway we don't gotta go down that route but like you do kind of forget after a little while you're like that's what's so fucking captivating about falling off the wagon and other podcasters have talked about this but like that first time dude god damn you're like man this is what it you can feel like this and then you know you end up fucking like two weeks go by and you're like all right this is why i stopped or whatever yeah i it's weird though because i don't feel tempted to do anything else like anything worse you know yeah no no for sure i don't feel tempted to do like the stupid shit i used to do. Like I don't feel like, man, I really want to like drive.

Yeah, I really want to go to a guy's house named Fat Mike and I want to go get like Street Press Xanax and then I want to go drive my Toyota around for like 12 hours. The thing is the first few times it was like at bars or whatever i'd be like yeah i don't think i even want to drink anymore it's so expensive yeah yeah and then i i rediscovered that age-old practice of drinking alone yeah of course wow which which here's the thing i remember like when i was in high school my mom kind of like you know one of the many come to Jesus meetings that we had she was like I don't mind that you go and out and do stuff I wish you

wouldn't but you know drinking alone you know that leads to bad things and I was like yeah for sure but like when I go out like with my friends um we almost go to jail like almost every time uh and i and this was like a couple years after i had gone to jail so i was like if you don't want to pick me up from jail anymore i was trying to pitch it to her like she was wrong if you don't want to pick your son up from jail anymore you should just let your son drink in his room alone like every day or whatever you know like it's just you know it's just kind of this is hey pick your battles you can pick me up from the county jail like 30 minutes from the house or you can let me get blackout drunk in my room and play fucking tony hawk but no like it i don't i was talking about a bit on

twitter and like i really appreciate everybody like um reaching out and stuff and like replying i and it's not i don't want to be a dickhead and be like i didn't ask for that it's people like you got to find a hobby bro you got to find a fucking hobby it's like i have five hobbies i have too many i had i every moment of my life is occupied like well you got to fucking uh you got to like find something that can center yourself like you gotta start gooning bro you got to start watching 10 hours. And it's hard for me, and we've talked about this ad nauseum on the show. It's hard for me to relay to certain types of people.

Like your joke about recovery guys just one more day at a time is perfect. It's hard for me to relate to some people when I say, look, I just miss getting fucked up like earlier me and ashley we we cut up a granny smith apple and ate it with some peanut butter classic fifth grade snack timeless treat and we were sitting there and eating it and we had this realization that we didn't want that what we wanted to do was alcohol like i was like i want to i don't want a green app grand granny smith apple i don't want peanut butter i don't want to I don't want a Granny Smith apple I don't want peanut butter I don't want to make fried rice for dinner tonight

I don't want to watch Megan the movie with the AI computer I don't want to watch Banshee's of an Eshrin I don't want to fucking go work out I want to drink about 13 to 17 beers on my couch and then be really sick tomorrow

and sometimes when you deny yourself like that's just you know and sometimes when you deny yourself that there's no getting around that you just have to be in that moment like uncomfortable yeah yeah i think i've definitely hit that with nicotine um to where i i don't feel tempted to well okay i do feel tempted to do it again. Yeah. But I know, like, I feel like the way people a lot of times get addicted to nicotine to where it's, like, actually really hard to quit. Because the first few times, it's not that hard. No, no, no. In my experience. No.

When you first, like, when you're a teenager and, like, say you smoke cigarettes for a little bit and then you kind of stop doing it you're like oh people that's hard to quit that was easy like a pack of cigarettes will last you like a month and a half or whatever like you're just yeah yeah but then like you just put it in your head like oh i guess i can quit whatever i want and then it gets to be like i smoke a pack and a half a day yeah yeah you know and then it's like you'll quit for like three days and you're like well at least I know I can quit. Yeah. I'll go ahead and go back to it now. Well, it's like that was like.

Because I just decided I like doing it. It's like you do like doing it. It's enjoyable. But you kind of have to be like, all right, I'm just, this is just something I can't do anymore. And it's just like not going to be as fun without it. But that's like, that's okay. That was like my whole thing with Coke and pills. Well, also a bunch of other things.

Everybody in my life was like, hey, we're sick. You're gross. You're fucked up. But like I would do blow and I'd be like, you know, hmm. Yeah, there it is. There's okay. We're feeling like God. And then there's, you know.

And it's like, I can stop doing you know and it's like i can stop doing this and it's like all right and i wouldn't do it for four days and i'm like yeah i don't know if you guys i'm like telling people i can't imagine how annoying it was to be my friend between the years of like 2013 and like 2019 because i would like brag to people that lived with me so yeah dude i haven't done cocaine in like three days and they'd be like yeah you shouldn't like do it like we all do it every now and then it's like a party drug but like you know i'm proud of you i guess but like you you shouldn't say that to people like normal people who work at your job who are just like you can't tell that to eric who works in like payroll like hey eric what are

you doing yeah hey eric whatever you say you're clean off stuff it can only be certain stuff for it to be like socially accepted yeah yeah yeah yeah like have you noticed that like like if you have a co-worker who's like yeah i can't believe like i beat my meth addiction you know it's like well there are certain ones that are like inspiring like when maybe it's just i'm biased because these are the drugs i used to do but when somebody's like yeah i kicked the opiate thing i'm like that's awesome because that shit is all it's it rocks to eat painkillers pks are the best they're awesome but when yeah when somebody's like yeah yeah you know i uh yeah i just had to quit doing cocaine cocaine is it fucks it takes a lot i mean all drugs take a lot from you but cocaine is one of those things where it's like ah you know having

been a coke head i can say like ah you know you probably were mean to people huh like you probably trashed a lot of relationships and you probably fucked up really bad. I'm proud of you. But like, how did you know? Like also cocaine. Getting addicted to cocaine and powder form. For some, you know what it is, it's literally like classism and TV and internalized racism. It's like getting addicted to powder cocaine.

You're like, yeah, I was snorting that shit pretty bad. And people are like, oh, man, I'm glad you got off it. But I have had people be like, yeah, man, I was a crackhead. And I just have this like, ugh. Yeah, you're like, ugh, so you would throw sewers and drains and stuff? Well, it is from TV, and it is like an internal, because it's the same basic drug. It's basically the same high. And like, but like, it is.

Because one guy's getting it for cheaper. Yeah, exactly. And you smoke it instead of snorting it. But like, all the movies, all the TV shows, all the fucking internalized crime bullshit that you get as like a member, a citizen of this country. Somebody tells me that they were snorting too much of that fucking you know colombian bam bam and i'm like man i got a kindred spirit here i feel you that shit it's awesome i'm glad you got off of it but i was talking to a buddy of mine and he was like yeah i don't know me and my wife had to quit smoking crack together and i was like ah and for some reason i know what it is i just

explain what the reason is it's in my head i'm I'm like, dude. And like, again, I was a guy who couldn't pay his bills. Like, I had all the fucking accoutrements and symptoms of it. But when somebody's like, yeah, man, I was smoking crack or meth, you're like, you start to feel bad. But like, you also were an addict. So it's not like you're any better than them. And I know that. But like, in my head, for some reason, it's that intuitive. Like, man, you were a crackhead

i never got that bad i just used to pawn all of my musical instruments for oxy and for viking and stuff and cocaine but i never smoked crack so you know i think i was just really i was too lazy to commit to being a full-blown addict full-blown addict i didn't have enough friends none of my friends had enough money none of us were really that i i think i think we also kind of kept each other in check like i remember like you know if somebody would be like doing percocet all the time or whatever it'd be like hey man you can't be the guy who does percocet all the time that's not a good look yeah yeah that's yeah you're not you're not gonna be getting much local pussy anymore if you keep doing that yeah you're gonna have to move to like new york or something yeah you're gonna have to at least

move to dallas or whatever yeah it well it's it's it's shitty because it's like my friends did for that for me but only after they cleaned up their respective acts so it was like for a long time like i like people like I talk and you share stories, and obviously people had it way worse than we did for sure. But like I just thought for real that I was partying. Like I told you when I went to the doctor, and the doctor's like, how much are you drinking? And I was like, oh, just your normal college amount.

Like I black out every night. He was like, all right. And then he's like, drug use. I'm like, just your normal college stuff, like weed and Dilaudid. And just like your normal college stuff, like an eight ball every two, three days. And like your normal college stuff, like 500 whippets a week. Just silly college boy stuff you know like partying with your friends and and it wasn't until i got like that wake-up call that i realized i

we were probably on this like on the other end of that spectrum or whatever but not doing anything i guess the point i was trying to make is is that people and again i i do appreciate it but it's like i think for a lot of guys or a lot of people not just guys but like you have to have that like yeah man here's how I did it or whatever and it's like I get that I don't and I don't need I don't think I'm even trying to quote-unquote get sober guys I don't do drugs anymore I'm just like not drinking right now but like it's here's an example this guy that i knew that i worked with for a long time um we partied together did drugs together he posts now i'm not kidding man on facebook about 15 16 times a day about how we have to cling to the tattered

robes of jesus christ like that's one of his favorite phrases, is he's like, if you're feeling lost in the world and you want something to hold on to, hold on to Christ's tattered clothing, the clothing that he bled and died in. Like, he's a super Christian. And for a lot of guys, that's the escape route, you know? But I think it's like spiritual psychosis. It's like the same thing with the aa

stuff i think like some guys to get sober they have to become like the type of christian where you're like oh you know what i'm saying like like you know they believe like you know like they start getting into the like oh this isn't like just religion this is like a mental illness type thing uh which is like a prime example of I'm glad that worked for you, man. Some guys, that's their only out. But for me, I mostly just have to, like, be frustrated. I think I'm going to join the Freemasons if I ever really need an exit. Or I'm going to join the military at, like, 35 because I just raised the age.

I'm going to join the military at like 35 because i just raised the age i'm gonna i'm gonna join the military i'm gonna be like uh like a p2 or whatever whenever i'm like 45 yeah yeah and then i'll be like a i'll leave as like a lance corporal when i'm like 60 you know what's really fucking stupid man and and i'm just gonna lay my cards out on the table here because this is stupid i know it's dumb about me i don't support like the machine that is the american military apparatus i don't support the terrible dog shit that like well there goes our whole list no no no i'm just saying like the special operations i just i'm saying like but there's a part of me there's a part of me competitive with myself and also just like a stupid macho part of like being a guy that's like i could be a seal like i could do it what do you

do push-ups in the rain for like six weeks carry a big log around learn how to do a judo toss i already know how to do that like you learn how to shoot a gun i've shot guns like i will dude i've googled like delta force clearance course or like green beret training and i'm reading through all of it it's like oh so a sub five minute mile that that's doable and like the average age for like a special operations like a tier one like you're 22 like they get they pretty much fast track you from like 19 into the fucking teams or whatever into training and then maybe by 21 22 you're like an operator but i am like i had like

an era where i was obsessed with like i want to learn what does it take to be an army ranger let me find out it's like all right you got to do do a 40 mile ruck in under an hour and a half with like 60 pounds in your back. And I'm like, all right, give me six months. Easy. What else? You got to like scale a mountain and like jump out of a plane 250 times. And, you know, and then like when you're done with all that, like one of the first things you do is you go to war. done with all that like one of the first things you do is you go to war like it's not like being army infantry or just a casual infantry where you just kind of like shoot and you know maybe you get deployed it's like you become like in a tier one guy like you go do you do that's what but like in my mind i'm like you know what what am i 29 everything falls apart for some reason you know show gets canceled uh you know we don't want to do this shit anymore patreon shuts down you know um band breaks up like i just somehow like don't have a girlfriend yeah you know what i would join the army at 29 and i could become a green beret it's no problem

with bad shoulders shitty hips bad knees you. And I don't know why. I genuinely don't understand why. It's not a stolen valor thing. I don't want to be in the Army. But it's like, no, I could do it. It's like when a fat uncle watches any football game, or really any sport, and he's like, yeah, with 45, he tried to stiff arm. He should have done the spin move. Now that's what I would have done. And it's like you wouldn, with 45, he tried to stiff arm. He should have done the spin move.

Now that's what I would have done. And it's like you wouldn't have done that at all. You would have gotten creamed because you're old and fat. It's the same shit, I think. Just the idea that you're way more competent than you actually are. I've been thinking about applying for this part-time job at the Fort Worth Police Department. It's basically a guy who sort of just hangs out at the impound. Okay.

And I think it's sort of like an impound valet. Yeah. It pays good. But it has a thing on there where it's like, we're going to make you do a polygraph test if you apply to this. Yeah. And we're going to ask you whether you've done any illicit drugs other than marijuana in the last 10 years.

And we're going to ask if you've done marijuana at all in the last two years. And I was just thinking about going in looking dressed exactly like I am right now, just covered in, like, paint stains. Queso. Like mustard. Yeah. Like my beard has, like, a hot dog in it yeah and they're like have you ever consumed a drug other than marijuana i'm like no and they're like within the last two years have

you consumed any type of marijuana and i'm like no sir and they're like we just checked your record since you got off probation for weed two weeks ago. Is this true? Yes, sir, that is true. It was a false bullshit charge, sir. May I add, it was from the bastardous Parker County of Texas, which is far inferior to the perfect Tarrant County of Texas. The polygraph just explodes.

Yeah. There was a guy that... Yeah, they're trying to break me and i keep adding obvious lies and it's like comes up as true i'm like yes sir my penis is 10 inches long and black i uh yes sir i have been with a korean woman yes sir and uh she was the Asian girl from Ocean's Eleven. I think they have an Asian girl. I don't know. Me.

I think that's a guy, actually. Me and Matthew McConaughey smoked weed together at a house party once. You're telling lies that you would tell to strangers. My uncle killed Ted Bundy in prison. The guy that killed Jeffrey Dahmer is my cousin. He was, like, a black guy. Just being like, yeah, he's my nephew. My grandfather created the Crips.

Tookie. Tookie was my... He was Tookie. He was... We just called him Uncle Took growing up. Yeah, Uncle T Yeah And he was

He was They never caught him He was lethally injected Yeah He was Legally injected With a dose of With a dose of prison time

I remember There was a guy my friend grew back home like his like we hung out several times he was just in our group we all partied together blah blah blah blah his dad was a cop and like his uncle was a cop

it was just like a family of cops and he wasn't like a like really gung-ho about like law enforcement it's just like you know like your dad's a fucking mechanic and you because like it's just something so he like wanted to be a police officer uh and uh he was a big fat guy so he loses i'm not kidding man like over 100 pounds, and he's like, I want to pass this shit with flying colors. I want to be a good cop, and he did not know. He had no idea that they do that shit. Like, they polygraph you, and they ask, have you ever done any drug? This guy changed his whole life.

Like, he cleaned up, lost weight, stopped hanging out, stopped partying, started eating right. He wanted to be a fit. I think he wanted to be a state trooper, work his way up or something. Because everybody in man and his family had done that. They went to the military and they became cops. So he does all this shit.

This was a few years back or whatever. He does all this stuff. And then my buddy gets a message from him was relayed the story second hand he's like hey sean didn't know that you're not allowed to have ever done coke like so they were like we ever like they have them they're asking those questions like you ever done any drugs and he's like yes sir but no longer and they're like what drugs have you done done he's like oh um he's just like super forthcoming he's like acid mushrooms cocaine pills uh poppers the guy was a party animal so like he gets there and they're like oh you can't sorry and he was like wait like i can't and like every one of the cops

was like you're supposed to lie yeah yeah like you're supposed to lie like yeah you're supposed to lie about everything yeah yeah well like my i know people i don't know people i know one guy who's a cop currently in houston who i used to like hang out with from time to time who like got down like that i'm guessing he just lied but like yeah you're a cop yeah yeah you're yeah you're a cop you don't know how to lie then you don't get to be a cop but it was funny that he was like you know like people like honestly he's the best policy just tell the truth he was like yes sir i used to suck dick for heroin like yeah you know but it was funny that he like changed his whole life like i guess that's a plus you know but like now he just like works at heb and it's like jacked it's like you know where you know where erath county is yeah yeah i know yeah yeah

so uh there was a guy this is probably 15 20 years ago who um used to work for erath county police uh sheriff's department or whatever um and transferred to a different county and was like you said just like honest about everything didn't think of anything you know just and one of the questions on the sign-on paperwork was like have you ever been asked to fill out paperwork incorrectly like on purpose and he was like yes sir yes i have and they were like well when was this he was like, oh, at my last police department. Sheriff told us to, so that's. And whatever the sheriff says goes, baby. Yep.

And the Erath County Sheriff ended up killing himself. He said, oh, well, see you guys on the other side. There goes the pinching, I guess. Look. He said, oh, well, see you guys on the other side. There goes the pinching, I guess. Fuck. People have been like, hey, yeah, some people are asking you to resign, but obviously you can just run for sheriff the next county over and get it because nobody gives a fuck. He's like, ah, well, I probably better fucking put a bullet in my head.

It's so funny because cops straight up rape and kill people, and then they just take six months off. This wasn't like a huge, this was for like some, it was for like PowerPoint training or something. It wasn't like he was hiding police murders or anything. He was just like lazy. He's like a fat old guy. And he was like, I guess I have to fucking kill myself like Hitler did. I guess I did something that Hitler would do.

Yeah. Do you remember the story of the FBI guy that blew his brains out in the middle of the dance floor in Austin? Yeah, that's a good one. I remember seeing a post. I didn't know the girl, but she... I don't remember how we ended up following each other, but she was like,

I was a concrete cowboy last night. And she was posting, like, scared, but I was reading it live. It was a concrete cowboy last night, and a guy killed himself on the dance floor, which is just, like, just so awesome, dude. Apparently, he was embroiled in a scandal, and his wife was leaving him. It was just bad, but it's like, dude, go home, pour yourself a nice tall glass of scotch, pop some fucking Oxy, or just let it loose.

Let it all hang out. Throw on some fucking Alice in chains and and swallow that bullet but like party rock party rockers in the house yeah tonight give me every i'd be so mad if i was like imagine imagine there was probably a guy in there who was about to slip something into old man's drinking right as he was about to a guy killed himself out on the middle of the dance floor also just like imagine you imagine you're... Imagine rolling. Yeah, yeah. And somebody kills himself. Yeah. Well, like, you, uh, maybe you strike out, dude.

Maybe you're not good with ladies, but you fucking, one good night, maybe it's your shirt was fitting right. Maybe your cologne was hitting. Maybe you got your hair to part in just the right way. Maybe you're fucking, everything was working out for you, and you fucking hit it off with the girl across from you and you guys lock eyes with each other and you're like, man, you know,

I don't come out here a lot. I'm kind of an indoor cat. She's like, oh my God, me too. I just want to come out and meet people. And you're like, wow, that's crazy.

Like, I really feel like maybe we're making some kind of connection and you know, we're talking and you find out she works in finance and you do too.

And you know, you're just kind of scared to make this connection and then you lean in to kiss her and boom fucking yeah the guy just blows his fucking brains out the dj is like i should have known when that guy tipped me twenty thousand dollars to play rocket man and i think it's going to be a long, long time. The touchdown takes me down to get you. Pow! Pow! Oh, no, no, no. That's so awesome. There's not a lot of better places to kill yourself

than in the middle of a fucking dance floor. That's kind of fucking... Honestly, man, what a detention whore move. Killing yourself is already kind of like a fucking, all right, you're going to be the topic of conversation for at least like three years. Like, you know, like I told you, one of the reasons I stopped having beers was because I would have like four and I'd be like, you look like a guy who wants to hear about my dad killed him like i just kept doing that shit it's annoying and bad so but it's like to kill yourself on a saturday night prime time in the middle of fucking middle

of a dance floor in austin texas you're not doing it like in the middle of buffalo texas on the honky-tonk floor you're doing it in one of the coolest hippest metropolitan like whatever it's like going to Brooklyn fucking go into a club and being like yeah I think this is where it this is where this shit stops the middle of a fucking I want to kill myself at ACL you know you do it at a comedy venue that seats eight people I do at an open mic that I just did. I kind of feel like my dad did it. So if I can't, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it would be like, ah. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, Shrek 2 was good, but it would have been better if Shrek 1 went like that, you know? Yeah, I was thinking about that the other day. Like, I was like, I wasn't having, like, suicidal thoughts or anything. Like, I've been doing okay. I've been trying to hang in there or whatever. But, like, I was driving and I was like, if I wanted to, like, I shouldn't.

You shouldn't kill yourself. It's bad and it really fucks people's lives up. I've learned that lesson the hard way. But also, I can't because it's like, it kind of beat me to it. You're like, well, I mean, you know. He kind of, it would be like copying. It would be like, it would literally be like biting somebody's, like, drip. You know, like some guy does a fashion statement or whatever.

It's like, oh, that bomber's sick, man. Where'd you get it? Hey, bro. What if in my dad's note he was gatekeeping? He was like, hey, bro, I'm on this wave. You got to get your own wave, bro. You got to get skin cancer or something, man. Yeah, you got to get back into pills or something.

It's got to go a different way, bro. This is my vibe. You can't be biting my style. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, I still think it was funny that group of bikers wanted my great-grandfather

killed and then he just died of skin cancer on his own. Yeah. At like 98. that's how you gotta go Mike I think we should I think we should try and live to be what 150 160 yeah I love the fucking uh right now the who's that guy Thomas something Thomas White no I'm just kidding he's uh he's like the futurist longevity guy. And Joe Rogan's had a...

He's really big right now in the Rogan sphere of podcasts. And he's like, the first person to live to 150 has already been born, I believe. And everybody's buying into his snake oil shit. And it's like, have you seen motherfuckers at like 82? Like, what does 150 look like? What does that look like? I think I'm good. You know what I mean?

Like I think like post like after 65, unless you're like a really healthy guy, which neither of us are for the most part, you're just like a liquidity pool for like the pharmaceutical industry. Like that's what you are. I had a teacher who came into class one day and was like, well, I'm sorry I was absent yesterday. My father died.

And we were like, oh, that's awful. You didn't have to come back so soon. She's like, yeah, he was 104. Everybody stopped being like, oh. And it was just like, well, yeah, that's a pretty good fucking run. Yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, you don't get to complain about fucking anything. You got, god damn, you got like 70 years with the man.

Yeah, literally. Like you get, if, this is how my great granddad was. Or like, he had a funeral and it was really sad, blah, blah, blah, blah. The motherfucker was almost 100. I think he was like 94, 95. He quit drinking. This just for his perspective he quit drinking at 65 because he was like getting on in age and then he lived another 30 years like like it's it's it's stupid and it's like not a fucking novel observation but it's like it's this shit's long i guess in the grand scheme of things cosmic timeline or whatever it's short but like's, this shit's long. I guess in the grand scheme of things, cosmic timeline or whatever, it's short,

but, like, when my great-granddad died, I remember I was in high school, and I'm not going to lie, I was looking out of an excuse to, like, have to take some tests that day. So I, like, and I could sign myself out of school at the time because I had, like, turned 18 or whatever.

And I was like, hey, I'm just not feeling it. I want to sign myself out. And they were like, oh, we went up to the teacher. I was like, I had a death in the family or whatever. We're, like, talking, like, really quietly. I was like, oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He's like, yeah. I didn't think it through too good.

And I was like, it was my great granddad. I could see in her face that you can't be like, hey, that motherfucker. Like, she couldn't say, hey, sit your ass back down. We're going to take this geometry quiz ASAP. She was like, oh, well, I hope you feel better. Like, the most not sincere. Because you do. Yeah.

You lose a little bit of sympathy. Like, if your grandparents raised you, because I know a couple people like that. Like, parents weren't. Your grandparents raised you. All right. That's an excuse. No matter how old they get there you know i'm just trying to think of the best one sorry my my son got killed by a bird yeah he's one year old and just picked the soft spot on his he got picked up by a paragraph took one took one peck from a crow and it killed my son instantly. My son got picked up by a hawk.

Yeah, my son got eaten by a giraffe. He went to the zoo. Yeah, he just picked him right out of my arms with his big-ass neck, gulped him down. See, I don't think I can finish taking this court-ordered urine test. Yeah, yeah. My dad used to tell me he would try anything to get out of getting randomly piss-tested at jobs. He's like, yeah, one time I just got up and left. I guess he had a buddy that worked in the office at a couple jobs.

He told me that his buddy would text him. He's like, hey, we got the list. You're not on it. My dad's like, ah, Dave fights another day. And then one time or whatever, a handful of times, that buddy would text him, hey, we got the list. You're like fourth. So if you're dirty, you know, figure something out.

And I guess the times my dad didn't have the fake piss on him. My dad told me he was just like, yeah, I just left work. Like he just, he knew he was getting popped at. His boss is called, hey, what the fuck? And he's like, oh, my son's sick. Like he used me as an excuse like several times we would be bullshit and talking and he'd like come home from work early i think i was in high school or whatever and he's like uh you know like oh they they closed down the plant for today and then like we would drink together and the truth would come out like later that night he's like yeah i heard they were popping people. So I left randomly. Boss called me and I told him you're at the hospital.

Just like like, all right. I mean, it's a good excuse. Thanks, Dad. Well, it's like it's a good excuse. Like, I mean, you can't. All right. Well, because if you're sick, like I don't know if you've worked in places that are really strict about doctor's notes, but I've tried to call out or leave early because I'm hung over or I want to go fucking party or I just don't want to work. And I say, I'm not feeling good.

And my boss is like, if you don't have a fucking doctor's note here tomorrow at six in the morning, you don't work here. And I'm like, all right. So sometimes I have. I've definitely done the same shit. I'm like, my mom, her car exploded. There's some shit, you know, you're like, I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't have money for that. But I definitely don't want to be at work right now.

So I guess I'll fucking, you know, make up some bullshit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, having a job is so funny. There's, you know, you can't even really put a finger on it. Do you know? Go ahead. Sorry.

I didn't know what I was saying there. What you got? I was going to say, like, I guess I could call myself a workaholic insofar as, like, I have to keep busy or I kind of, like, straight up do go nuts. But, like, I don't believe anybody when they say like i love working like sometimes like i'll hear people are like yeah i just really love my job man like a guy i work with for example he's like we've been talking and like i forget sometimes that like not everybody is as i guess like cynical or like j like just pissed like just bitter as i am or whatever because i'm so cool complicated guy and mysterious too and sexy

um i was like yeah you know i fucking clocking in and clocking out it's bullshit he's like i really like my job man it's awesome i love all of what i do i don't believe that i don't believe anybody loves what they do unless you like like you know, I don't know. Unless you're like an actor or something or like a fucking, you know, it doesn't seem, nothing seems like it's enjoyable or worth doing. Outside of being like a

musician or something or like something cool like a fucking painter, you know. Or like, do you think the guys that work at Boeing who make the missiles that kill people like with it? Probably. They're all autistic. They need to do math all day. I think the guys who work at Lockheed like 70 hours a week, they're like, fuck yeah, I'm making that paper, baby.

Yeah, probably. Yeah, no, for sure. That's what I do. Well, we've talked about this before. We've both known guys that work in the trades that are like 80 hours a week. God love it. I'm out there picking up money. I love doing it.

I think a big part of that, I've thought about this because I used to kind of enjoy working like 60 to 70 hours a week. I think a big part of it is like you don't feel like you're wasting any time. Yeah, for sure. You don't feel like you're wasting any part of your life

because you're either sleeping and getting ready for work. Or working. Or eating or whatever. Or you're wasting any part of your life because you're either sleeping and getting ready for work. Or working. Or eating or whatever. Or you're working. Almost every waking hour is for working. And you think of it like, well, I'm getting after it. Like I'm securing my future.

Yeah, yeah. This is what I was supposed to do. This is what my parents did, my grandparents, all that. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, I mean, and their grandparents were sharecroppers or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think they were out in the field like, fuck yeah, I'm making this money for the guy who owns the land. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And once I fucking prove myself as a worthy manservant, you know, basically he's going to give me a whole bunch of land. Yeah. Man, we are cruising. Being a sharecropper is awesome my little starving baby who has yellow fever he's gonna be a fucking steel tiger one of the reasons that we have 12 fucking kids a litter is because of how good our life is it's so goddamn good that we need to have we need to make hands we don't need to make children i need to ranch hands to work like i used to fucking love working like 72 hours a week to bring home like 800 bucks and now i'm like yeah i see yeah now

i'm like man that was some bullshit dude because i mean i make less than that now even when i do have work but it's like just i i think you get addicted to the stability of it too. For sure. You know what I mean? Like if you're – Yeah. If you can – if that's what you do to pay your bills and there's no other way that's like really available to you,

yeah, you're going to like crave going to work and feeling okay about yourself. I don't disagree with that. But I think a lot of guys don't know what to do with themselves if they're not at work i i think that's true i also think there's some truth to the idea that like a lot of those guys live fucking incredibly reckless lives and i've been a part of it and i've like kitchens labor jobs trades whatever the fuck like you if you're not working you're probably doing drugs you're getting fucked up or like you know doing something stupid also fucking if you've got three child support payments

it's kind of something that you just have to do and also if your truck payment is like 986 dollars a month and your insurance on that is like 380 because you have two duis it's like you just to survive you kind of have to bring in like six grand a month. The only way you do that is working like 80 hours of OT a month or whatever the fuck. But like whatever. You know, I have no qualms with that type of people who will mock them like, oh, those guys think they're tough for working 100-hour weeks. Look, I don't think anybody.

This shit's hard, man. It is hard. Here's the thing. I've worked fucking 712s outdoors in the heat at a fucking plastics plant, and I've worked from my couch 20 hours a week. And I can tell you that guys who work out there are tougher than me and i was tougher than i am now fucking three years ago four years ago when i used to do that shit it's not it look i'm sorry if you have a fake email job and you're like oh the blue collar guys they think they're

so to it they they got it it's a harder life man it's okay you're a pussy it's we're soft now like it's it's okay we don't those pussy. We're soft now. Like, it's okay. We don't. Those guys, are they annoying? Yes. Are they fucking abrasive and cocksuckers? Absolutely. But if your fucking whole day is like, can we circle back to this?

Hey, I just took a look at those slides, and they're really not up to snuff. Can we circle back? I'll schedule a Zoom call with you. You are a soft little baby it's okay if you do things outside of work that like maybe you know can like up the ante in the masculine realm a little bit maybe you lift or something i don't fucking know but from nine to five you're a little baby it's okay you don't have to be you know let those guys handle the fucking the shitty yeah work you know there's guys who have like an 85 85 IQ and they poop in a box every day.

And they fucking, I mean, they'll hit each other with rocks for fun. Yeah, yeah. That's so true. And you don't have to say you're harder than them. No, no. You wouldn't, you don't see a homeless guy and you say, that fucking pussy thinks he's fucking... Oh, yeah. Oh, congrats.

You can survive out in this world. You know? It's like that guy's life kind of fucking sucks. Yeah, it does. And, yeah, maybe his priorities aren't straight. But whose are, really? You know? Dude, if you...

I feel like heat exhaustion does things to your brain that people do not realize. I don't think people understand. I feel like heat exhaustion does things to your brain that people do not realize. I don't think people understand. Working out and fucking, dude, when the heat index is 115 degrees, you do not realize what that does to a man's brain. No. Like, I remember we used to work like 10 to 12-hour days and, you know, that type of stuff sometimes. Not every day, but there's guys who work like that every day.

And, dude, you get home and you can't have a thought. No, you don't. You have nothing. You can drive home, but you don't think. I wouldn't listen to music or anything. No, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Get home, complete silence, not say anything, just shower.

Yeah. Not even have dinner. Just go to sleep, wake up hungry as fuck the next day but I don't even know like that I can just get food and eat I don't buy groceries no you're not

you're eating food from the gas station you don't get groceries you don't fucking you grab something to eat on your way to work then you work then you maybe grab

something to eat on your way home and then you fucking take a shower go to sleep yeah that's if that's your whole life then basically what's important to you is whatever you're driving to work and yeah

yeah yeah exactly because you don't give a fuck about your house there were there were times my brother had would tell me this shit and i honestly was in such a fog because we we would we were working 5 30 to like 6 sometimes 6 30 uh at this plane I worked at for a little while. And I would, so here's my, I remember after like day 10, I couldn't deal with it anymore. So I would go to the store and I'd pick up two Mickey's and a bag of hot fries because I knew I couldn't, I didn't have it in me to eat a whole meal, but I knew I wanted to be fucked up. But I knew I couldn't. I didn't have it in me to eat a whole meal. But I knew I wanted to be fucked up. But I knew I needed to eat something. My brother would tell me that he would come home from like his buddy's place or whatever. And I would be on the couch asleep.

Holding 140 in my lap. One in my hand. Bag of hot fries. Dust all over my high-vis vest. Work boots still on. Pass the fuck out at like 7 p.m. Like right when I got home. I would maybe get like a quarter of the way through the Mickeys or whatever.

And it's like you work so fucking hard at nothing. Like you're building the plant. And with landscaping, it's like you're doing something. But your body doesn't know that. It just knows that you've been in the sun for like 13 or 14 hours. And it knows that you've had like max 400 calories. It thinks you're dying and so when you and you know this you get home and you're like what am i going to what am i going to provide

my body with water burger sounds good 16 beers sounds awesome like how about both of those things you know so not not only after again your body doesn't know that you're at work it just knows that you're dying after that you just like, you're going to have to hang in there because we're going to drink like 15 course banquets, and then we're going to eat a bag of fucking Andy's hot fries, and then we're going to fall asleep in our clothes because that's just where we're at. Yeah.

That's good for you, though. It's good for men to experience that. I do think there are certain jobs everyone should have once in their life. I think everyone should be a waiter at least once. I think everyone should do something outdoors. It doesn't have to be landscaping. It doesn't have to be working at a fucking plant, but just something like that because you do.

I sound like my fucking granddad. You do gain an appreciation, I think. Like, you know, like... The shittiest jobs on planet Earth or whatever. I mean, some of the people that work them suck dick and fuck them, I guess. But, like, whenever I complain now about working... I've told you this, Ashley's like, you know... You're on the couch. Like like you're on the couch you've been watching cartoons and you're mad that you have to send an email to

a lady you know or whatever yeah i'll be like man i have to figure out how adobe works yeah fuck and then like i'm like oh man job application, it took me like fucking 15 years. That's what I mean about hating work, dude. Guys like us must have such short-term memories because we've had way shittier lives, and we complained then a little bit. I feel actually like I complained less. Maybe I didn't have time to complain, but me and you— I was just at peace with the fact that I was a slave. Yeah.

Yeah. True. Yeah. Like certain points in my life, it's been like a hundred dollars a day. Sounds good. Yeah. That's good money.

A lot of people, there's kids in Africa who don't even have dollars. It's a different currency altogether. Well, it's like, well, you know, doing the math on that for like 12 hours,

you're like, all right. So if I work 10 hours, that's 10 an hour, which ain't bad, baby. If I work 12 hours, that's less than minimum wage. So we just got to keep this to a 10-hour day, and I'm in double digits, baby. Yeah, and it's only an hour and a half drive home. Yeah. Yes, sir.

God damn it, dude. Dude, those jobs always manage to be like three hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Round trip of driving, no no no gas no no given to you just just an oil change every three weeks yeah that you need and you don't get except for it's like a quarter of your paycheck for that week or whatever the fuck yeah your car sounds like a train when you start it yeah dude i i sometimes i have to remind myself it's like hey dude like do you remember uh like you you remember roofing and getting paid $100 a day to be on a hot roof? Or you remember painting houses?

That was your rapper come-up story, okay? You started from the bottom and were maybe five rungs above it, I guess. Just remember how it used to be you know and how you just kind of you just kind of lived your life you didn't bitch too much you know maybe you're like fuck it's hot out here but there was a simplicity to it you know there was like a like a fuck all i have to do is get up at four in the morning and it's already a hundred degrees outside and i just gotta go to work. That's all I have to do.

And then when I come home, I can eat a chicken tender that's cold from the fridge. I can smoke half a cigarette. I can jack off and I can go to sleep. Like, that's it. Download Hinge for 30 seconds and then delete it

and throw your phone against the wall. Yeah, scroll through Tinder. Text your ex-girlfriend from 8th grade because it's the only woman you have in your phone. I do remember when I moved back home and I was like single or whatever. I was like on Tinder in Pasadena, Texas, and I was like, yep. Yeah, uh-huh. This is – yeah. Like I don't know, man.

It's not a problem I deal with anymore, obviously. But whenever I would be home from college or whatever, and I was like, I guess I'll hop on Bumble or whatever. I went to kindergarten with that girl. I threw mulch at her head. That girl, I think we went on a date when we were in ninth grade, and I told her about Rotten.com. That didn't go over too good.

I think I had a fucking plenty of fish account when I was in Peacester, Texas, and there was only one other girl on there. It was like two girls. It was like two daycare teachers who lived like 45 minutes away. I just deleted it instantly. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, you swipe or whatever. It'd be like, ah, left, left.

Oh, that's it? Yeah. All right. Well, that's all folks. I had an OKCupid account. And that was the same one. Like, OKCupid was big for a bit, I guess. Like, because you could customize your account more or whatever, you know. And, like, anyway.

And I would, like, go back to pasadena and like open the app or whatever swipe once nothing swipe two oh i think i know that girl she works at the cvs i think i went and bought a bunch of robitussin and she checked me out or whatever we can't talk to her you know that she knows i used to drink robitocin for fun swipe a third time it's like just a real a big old you know you're like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you know by the fourth one that's it it's gone you know yeah and you're like all right yeah maybe i'll move maybe i'll move to uh do they got tinder in china do you think that they have dating apps over there? Is that a stupid question? I don't know.

Because I know that, you know. I can't say I've ever thought about that before. Well, I remember downloading Tinder when I was in the Dominican Republic. Why the fuck were you in the Dominican Republic? It was only for a few days. Okay. And, well, as it turned out, I quickly learned I did not speak Spanish. Yeah.

So. But my buddy I was with kept getting matches. And just speaking, they were just speaking in broken English to him. That's pretty cool. Oh, well. Yeah, it was cool for him. It wasn't cool for me. I was like, how do they know I'm not rich automatically?

Your vibe. Just your online vibe. I'm like, all these women have made $2 in their whole lives. Place of stupid fucking banana island. Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, you either work at the casino or you work in a fucking... Banana farm. Guava mine.

I love that... Fucking, that is digging for doubloons in the sand. You can't even suck a player off. I love that you were getting uppity about being in a third... Oh, yeah. You're being in a third world country and you're like, y'all ain't ever made $50

a day. Y'all motherfuckers don't know shit. Your parents would never say you to the cheapest resort in Punta Cana as a high school graduation gift. Trying to do sex tourism. I'm not saying you were, but it's like a guy who's like, As a high school graduation gift. Trying to do sex tourism.

I'm not saying you were, but just like a guy who's like, they don't want to fuck him because they can tell he's poor. Yeah, I'm like 20 pina coladas deep, but I'm like, nobody wants to fucking suck a young man's dick over here. I'm just at like a concert. Not even in a club setting. Everybody's twerking and pulling their guns out because it's the Dominican Republic. I'm at like a family play. Yeah.

Nobody want to fucking put some slobber on the knobs tonight. Damn. The fucking. I remember I got kicked out of every restaurant on that resort. Because I would walk into places with no shoes and no shirt. I thought that was just allowed there. I was so drunk the whole time. Yeah, because it was one of those all-inclusive resorts, but it was one of the cheap kind of shits.

For sure, yeah. I've been to several, yeah. Yeah, so they let you start drinking at like 7 in the morning. Yes, dude, yes. So it was all-inclusive, dude. I would have like 30 drinks per day. Yeah, yes, yeah. dude yeah so it was all inclusive dude i would have like 30 drinks per day yeah yes yeah and they put four bottles four full bottles of liquor in your hotel room yeah for after the bar yeah

and me and a buddy drank three of those bottles our last night yeah you um that god dude we were so fucked up the whole time i was like walking on all fours for parts of that journey. Yeah, those all... Okay, so, like, I remember as a kid when I heard all-inclusive resort, I was like, oh, that's where Paris Hilton goes. And then my mom was, like, she got, like, a discounted, like, thing in the... I don't remember if she won it or what. Maybe from, like, a radio station.

Anyway, it was an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. All of us for like $300 or $400. And I think it was some kind of giveaway. I don't remember. Anyway, I remember thinking like, damn. I was like 19. I was like, we're on the come up. We're going to an all-inclusive resort.

Hey, listen. You can go to certain all-inclusive resorts You can stay there For seven days For like $300 Like The food is like Barely edible

And the alcohol Is like what they would use To like Degrease an engine Like I've been to Several of those They use that shit For surgeries

Yeah To like sterilize Scalpels and shit I had a I remember I had A fucking margarita there. My teeth turned clear. When we were at the one in Jamaica, the way that they would do their pina coladas

is the guy would pour the slushy, like he would pour the mix. So it was like a frosty or something, you know, like it was like slushy. And then he would pour the rum in it so it wasn't mixed and he would pour the rum in it so it wasn't mixed and he would hand it to you so it would be like like the top half of it was just black like shitty two dollar rum and the bottom of it was just like the mixer like the the frozen

drink dude oh god and ah and terrible memories yeah and i drank When you You put it in a perfect way Where it's like If I walk out of my hotel And the bar's open at 7.30 And I know I don't have to pay It's covered I'm gonna start drinking At 7.30 in the morning Like it's just

Like that's the type of guy I am Like I know like I went We went to my buddy's Bachelor party And a couple of the guys Were like I'm gonna take it easy today I'm gonna wait till like

7 or 8 p.m. Wrong Like if I go outside at his bachelor party and a couple of the guys are like, I'm going to take it easy today. I'm going to wait until 7 or 8 p.m. Wrong. If I go outside and the sun's rising and the bar's open, I'm going to start drinking because I can't. That's just the way. That's what you do, man. Yeah.

Fuck. Good times. You know, we need to do a show in like some country where we don't speak the language yeah that would go well i think we'd do well in honduras we're good stock yeah yeah we don't it's they would sell our organs pretty fast sure for sure they would like get mad when they cut us open and it's all fucked up in there. Oh, yeah, dude. It would look like when you buy a pack of cigarettes in Europe and it's got, like, the warning symbols on there. Yeah, the lungs are all green and shit.

Like all the graphic pictures. Somebody's got, for some reason, a guy's face is blown off with, like, a shotgun. There's, like, a, yeah. They cut us open. There's, like, a Tamagotchi in there. It's, like, when they dissect, like, a bull shark. I used to try to eat pennies when I was a kid. So there's just, like, a dollaragotchi in there it's like when they dissect like a bull i used to i used to try to eat pennies when i was a kid so there's just like a dollar and change in my

gallbladder there's there's teeth in here yeah half of a tire block baggies when i got pulled over and i had to swallow weed like yeah an entirely unchewed hot dog i don't know how that got in here oh fuck uh if you're listening to this thanks uh that means that you are listening to the free episode of padeo time but i don't know if you know this about us uh padeo boys we've got a patreon where you can go and sub and get more episodes and more content uh we've been at this for like a couple years now, so if you're a subscriber, you get a whole backlog of shit. Five bucks a month, you get four extra episodes a month, a premium a week.

For ten bucks a month, you get all that shit, plus a video episode every month. We just put one out. It's probably my favorite one that we've done. Maybe ever, I don't know. I was going back and listening to it, and I was like, God damn it. That was pretty good. I'm not going to gas myself over that much.

If you want to give us $50 a month, go ahead. You don't have to do that shit. Once again, I think it's just my brother's friend, Riley, at this point. Thanks, Riley. Thank you, Riley. I don't know why you keep doing that shit. Anyway, and if you are wondering whether you were included in our fan base that we love, we support all races as well as gender identities and ethnicities for the most part.

and ethnicities for the most part. So if you guys want to hop on the Pindejo train, just know that you are loved and valued. Yeah, it might seem like we only cater to white men, but we cater to all types of guys. And we also, on that note, would like to present our sponsor of the week, Exxon. Exxon, yeah. Exxon, thank you for providing our beautiful oil to all these communities of color

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