Pendejo Time - barack Obama

Episode Date: November 7, 2024

white butler please kill everyone in the south for their betrayal of this great nation. Support the show

White boy Wednesday Thursday well it'll Thursday today it We're recording this on Wednesday. Yeah Wednesdays were just like every week White boy Wednesday thirsty now. That's to that one's been done Thankful thug Thursday, and what are we thankful for that's right folks Donald Trump is president which means comedy is back which means freedom is on the fucking menu Well, my co-workers this morning thought that he was already the president again Like not even the votes are all in he's just he becomes the president

Joe Biden has to pack his stuff really quick. Yeah. Yeah. You've got 24 hours- Kamala was gonna give him a 30 day notice. Yeah. Like a fucking shitty landlord. You've got 72 hours of vacay.

That's very funny. Donald Trump was double parked outside the White House waiting for Joe Biden to leave so he could get his space. Hey. Get the fuck- come on. We got- I got shit to do. I gotta get in there and I gotta shit in the toilet. I gotta get a space. Hey get the fuck come on We got we got I got shit to do I got to get in there and I got a shit in the toilet I got to make it mine. Hey, I get my lease is up. I'm living in my I'm living in my Maybach right now

My lease is up on my bed. That would be the best I would probably become president if they let me because then that's four years of not probably not paying rent Yeah, I don't think you have to pay rent on the White House I think that's the thing. I would pay utilities though You'd want to give the taxpayers a fair share This is like write the government a check for like 200 bucks a month Dude in the White House, I bet their utilities are hella expensive probably over a thousand dollars a month I bet their utilities are hella expensive probably over a thousand dollars a month

Yeah, probably bet the electricity company gives them a little bit extra on the top for free yeah, I Wonder who they pay Sunday bonus. They're probably probably Just write a check to see electricity company electric company White house white I was but the White House Electricity I was about to look up White House power, but I thought I feel like that's gonna throw in Some results that I don't want Immediate fucking track tracking lists speed run. I can't fucking talk to you. God damn it

Is there more get mortgage at the White House They have solar panels and they've had solar panels for a long time since 1979 But they got new solar panels in 2014 Probably so Obama could lay on them and get a good tan That's what it says that's probably why needs a nice 2008 the year of I

guess the second worst housing crisis in American history a Solar electronic system and two solar thermal systems were installed to heat water for the pool and spa nice Yeah, and I know Barack was like Michelle my feet are cold It is January in this is ice cold I've been lighting a bunch of cigarettes next to the pool trying to make it hot. I've been in here smoking Marlboro Reds for 16 hours. I've been trying to light cigarettes under the water to heat up my spa.

We gotta get solar in here post haste. Why, but, what? How come every time I put bubbles in the spa, it gets too many bubbles? Yeah, why the bubbles cold, White Butler? It's supposed to be, the bubbles are supposed to be high water. White Butler, I'm from Chicago, Illinois. Why am I speaking in this manner? Like I'm from Montgomery, Alabama Sanders Quiet as to why I speak with such a such a southern broke when I am from the beautiful city of Chicago dark president dr. Colonel Sanders My first act will be

classifying officially my secret blend of herbs and spices to further protect it from ne'er do wells as the KFC chain has been thriving for quite some time now with new KFCs opening all across the country. Some are calling it the next checkers. The Chinese get a different type of they only get nine herbs and seasonings not the full eleven so we must keep them away from fucking Jing Jing Ping. He cannot know the the links in which I go to to make my chicken spicy. White Butler please deliver to

Xi Jinping only nine herbs and spices and not the full eleven. White Butler please deliver to Xi Jinping only nine herbs and spices and not the full 11. White Butler why the hell is my feet so big? Why the hell they put me in this tan suit? White Butler please go speak to Chinese chef and let him know I would like a cheeseburger very quickly. White Butler please bring an aging NBA? Star to play basketball with me here publicly at the White House on camera Kim Jong-un got Dennis Rodman. So I'll settle for what's that boy? What had a 12 year old wife? I bet he make good conversation Calm alone

Why don't you never married? That's what made it okay He left whatever in fact he never acknowledged the child. And that she had to bring it in a backpack to middle school. White Butler, please apologize to the family on my behalf. White Butler, please kill her family. Please kill her. Please cause a great tragedy. I think I will later relax in my electric solar bubble spa and create a great tragedy across the globe. Now that the sun sets on a new era, the era of Barack Obama from Chicago, Illinois, I

think I will sit in my cold bubble spa white butler and watch the Sun rise on a new world Which I will cause great damage to Dr. Butler, please Please bring me a Roasted duck on a silver platter to my bubble spa, which is solar powered and then I think I will create a great horrific genocide across the globe that will haunt haunt every shadow I see until my corrupt corpse has absconded from this here mortal plane

mortal coil white Butler get a hold of Indian white Butler please and allow him to test my reflexes because I need to do genocide but first I must but first which is something that southern men say I must get inside my cold bubble spa and inside my cold heat lamp room. Butler bring me another white woman please. This one is tired sick and tired of my black penis. She's like a Clydesdale would be pulling them carts and horse and carriages in the towns in which people like to tour. Doctor please kill the prostitute. Dr. Butler. Dr. White Butler, please kill my- Dr. White Butler.

Please remove this woman from my beautiful solar powered bubble squad and kill her on the roof of the White House. Thank you, White Butler. White Butler, please kill me and release me from this pain. I am so tired of being the president. I hate the White House's HVAC system, which was first installed in 1993 What really? What were they doing before they'd had window units in that motherfucker or what or they had no way see there's no way

They got AC in the early 90s Or was it or they had no way see there's no way they got a see they had in 1933 air conditioning was installed on the president's private quarters But I believe they didn't have central AC So they probably had if I had to guess when they had a bunch of They had a bunch of people chewing on gum and blowing their ice cold breath as a cool breeze into the president's personal window. Wipe Butler, please chew three pieces of Trident mint gum and blow it into my bedroom window. Wipe Butler, it would seem that Will Smith has slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars.

Please kill Chris Rock and Will Smith. I'm feeling a bit bomb at White Butler. Could you please carry me to my cold bubble spy and please blow upon my sweet black head cold trotting gum as to cool my hot soul and my hot spirit. Doctor, please kill my lesbian wife. I realize I have given you an assortment of tasks for the day and I do not expect all of them to be completed at this time. I know you must go to bed. Why, butler, I know you sleep. I know I make it, you sleep on a bed

that looks like a silver platter and the covers are domed. And I make you sleep holding a big sprig of parsley with an apple in your mouth. Not a night sleepy. And your feet tied up like a rotisserie chicken. Nighty night, sleepy ass white budla. And I put lemons inside you like you're marinating. You got an apple in your mouth.

White budla, please kill yourself. I've been marinating you for several days. And I must hang you upside down and release the blood from your body. In order to prepare you for the Thanksgiving feast. Every week I get a new white butler. So the last task of the day, white butler, is to kill yourself. Is to bleed yourself like a pig for my weekly Thanksgiving feast. As is Chicago tradition. White butler. feast as is Chicago tradition. Why Butler please look into this situation across the seas it would seem there's some sort of conflict

what is Russia? White general White Army captain general of the Navy or something Yeah, I fucking don't know It was New York going going wild were they having like people crying in the streets and stuff I don't think so. I'm sure there were people who were mad But I don't think so. I'm sure there were people who were mad But I Mean I was inside

Today I was at work so You know the mood was mixed I would say For though you know It's it seemed like you know they definitely had it narrowed down to the two yeah, I Figured it'd be one of those Yeah, I figured 50 50 type sort of deal Yeah If you guys are interested in kind of didn't care which one it was yeah, I mean you know I Don't I part of me like sympathizes. I guess with my friends who were like

You know just like normal like standard issue Kind of like whoever blue no matter who type says a lot of people I know that I like love and care about or whatever I also have a lot of people I love and care about that love Donald Trump And they think he's awesome, and they love JD Vance and they love fucking Elon Yeah, I'm definitely not I'm not indifferent. I guess but I was just like, you know, it's out of my hands Meat grinder turns and burns no matter what. I mean, I just yeah, I was like, yeah I Know people were

really they were gonna they started watching this episode cuz they thought if we can just finally get some good political analysis there's been so much bad shit yeah real hard-hitting fucking got two fucking real thinkers Socrates and fucking Aristotle yeah philosopher and mathematician You know who I Guess who's to say you know one of you know I one of you know, I Guess you could say the Trump getting right reelected wasn't on my 2024 bingo card

It was and I felt like Kamala's campaign was gonna be really good and it turned out to be a huge nothing burger Man you know, I love when you you do the girls are starving yeah yeah burger was spicy the uh... is that got something real quick i get a joke but it'll take a couple minutes to make some is a certain i want to tell everybody that uh... if you're in the crypto there's a new coin it's called peanut coin and it's after this big a guy squirrel that got executed by the state of Florida or state of New York Sorry my apologies

So if you're into crypto, and you have money to spend make sure to get in on peanut coin Because it's going to the moon right now so get your bit wallet or whatever the fuck it is I don't know shit works and Take all your disposable income your savings to get peanut coin that's been your ad read for the day What we're saying I was gonna say we were supposed to have a brat fall but um But it ended up though instead of we of listening to the tortured voters department. Yeah. So just let me know what you guys think of that one.

If you like it, if you don't, I guess I can repeat that one. So towards the beginning of the year, I kind of got to work this out for, for my set, I got to do my hour, Which is actually gonna be three hours I think. Very nice. Three hour special soon. It'll be kind of mostly stuff like this. Mostly where I'm looking up stuff on my phone and then kind of figuring out what to say based on that. Sure sure sure sure. So guys, towards the beginning of the year we were hoping for a br brat summer, but now come fall,

the vibe has shifted majorly. Okay. While this may seem like a big nothing burger, and it might drive you a little neuro-spicy, I call your therapist because we're all listening to the tortured voters department okay yeah I gotta work on that more but we can come back to that later but for sure yeah yeah I'm totally willing to let you do that for ya that's fine with me I know you are yeah yeah i uh...

i think my mom sent me a trump dancing gift he was doing one of his gay little dances which by the way really impressive that a guy from new york who does gay little dances was able to win the hearts and minds of like uh... like mexican forklift drivers and stuff. Just stereotypically tough guys, you know what I mean? I mean, by all definitions, I think if you were to somehow take away his politics or whatever,

Trump is like a old school style New York gay guy. Very theatrical, loves musicals, likes to do little dances, very catty. And all of the hardest dick motherfuckers that I know I guess that I'm still friends with or that like Mutuals with an Instagram and stuff. They love the guy These are guys that you know When they play fight with their wives like they get one good one in you know what I mean like they get it They all love that motherfucker so yeah he's a rich guy yeah he's rich and he is a big suit on

that's gold and yeah tall and he's got a fat dick you know what I really liked about Kamala Harris is you never knew quite what she was getting at, what she believed in, or what she wanted to be president or not, or if she knew that she was running for president, that kind of came into question a few times. But at the end of the day, democracy was saved yesterday by every single one of you who went out and voted. You know what would scare me even more than a Trump presidency,

as much as that makes me shake in my boots Yeah, what's that, but? Low voter turnout. Yeah. No, it's not. Yes depressing. What if there was one vote? One voter election. What if there was one vote? Nobody know who got it It was like maybe got rained on or something. It was like a lottery ticket it. It was like maybe it got rained on or something. It was like a lottery ticket. Oh, I see. It was like a lottery ticket. You would have to buy a ticket and if you won the lottery, you got to pick who the president was out of a certain selection and then people will buy Halle tickets and people will be selling tickets in exchange for hand and mouth stuff and different coke and horrible acts.

But I would probably, if I had won that, I probably would have picked somebody that nobody had heard of, like somebody, a former co-worker or something. Sure. And that would seem a little mysterious. And that choice would help me become famous to roll out my next interpretive dance album What's it called? moving into the Moving into the music Into the music not with moving into the music starring Thomas white and his dance moves

What's yours called? and his dance moves what's yours called jake uh... everywhere i go is the wind i like that a lot thanks man did you get an orchestra for years are you doing more like uh... like edm style stuff

uh... what i can it took in a kind of screen recorded another album and i'll just be doing my voice over it uh... nice okay okay yeah very cool so this will be uh... but yeah things are grave jake things are grave things have never been graver in america

yes pretty bad i guess i mean you know what people are what if he had gotten on stage and he'd said this wasn't me at all and he ripped off his whole face And Hillary Clinton was under there yeah, I will Yeah, I would love that too She unzipped his body. Hey everybody We hawk to at the polls. I'm just stealing elections I'm a psychopath

I will kill again My husband and I kill children well for one I'm a girl pedophile Which how many of those are there? That's rare. I think I was really girls a pedophile. It's like what are you an artist or something? Are you trying to make it like indie music what the fuck you put it? Yeah, like what are you trying to be? Animal collective of pedophiles like what are we doing? Fucking cool avant-garde pedophile gotcha. Yeah, I kind of you know old school I

Mean you can't get molested by a lady. It's like all right well didn't want that to happen, but I will admit could have been slightly worse I guess Hopefully he'll just be gay yeah Yeah, I remember like I don't know. It's it's like hack as fuck, but whenever whenever there was a story that came out At my school about one of the lady teachers fucking one of the students which didn't happen a lot I think it happened like twice while I was at school

The general whispers around the mill were like a lot I think it happened like twice while I was at school the general whispers around the mill were like damn they didn't make them like that when I was 14 and it's like I think they made pedophiles back then pretty sure I mean I don't think they recently started making them also this did they started making them at my house. They use my bathtub for it. Prototypes? Yeah, they use the green slime that they crawl out of, and I have to kill them at night.

Very, very bizarre, Tom. They start on grownups to train. We've been friends almost five years. You're just now telling me this? That you have a primordial? You have to shower standing up, or they pull you down the sink drain a Primordial ooze that produces like

Prototype like new pedophiles kind of like like the matrix. Yeah, it'll be like Jared Fogle with a mullet or something So it's the O von So it's made up it's not really founded in anything. I don't think he's a pedophile at all. So you put in DNA from existing pedophiles and the ooze produces new ones? Yeah, I jack off in there every day. Oh, okay. Is that necessary? And it makes horrible versions of me that do terrible things And My science doctor says I need to stop doing that. I don't have anywhere else to bust to make Try doing it into the trash can and I got trash on it on my thing

It smelled like garbage fuck me. I'm sorry, dude. It's fine, I don't even care. Well I showered. Now I have to take a shower in this garbage pail. Just a little joke for you guys. Hard to visualize that one. Well I hope that maybe you can get that ooze situation figured out. It's not good to produce pedophiles Yeah, and it seems like there's also an orange almost carrot covered who's coming from the White House now mm-hmm So fucking true brother yeah, yeah, yeah I don't even Probably are not gonna get that one. Yeah, it's gonna for some heads for sure clear over a bunch of people's head I

Yeah, I don't fucking I Don't know I think like when people are like oh You don't care privileged much It's like I think uh I think they've just been deporting and killing people like the whole time I don't I don't I Don't think it much man. I mean it does matter that should stop but I'm pretty sure they've been putting motherfuckers on buses and trish shipping around the country and back to where from whence they came and then

Turning different types of brown guys to straight mud for a long ass time, so yeah I like it that they're like why don't you guys just stop caring about Palestine yeah just give that up yeah oh yeah yeah well if we don't vote for Hitler you know the other Hitler is gonna make medicine more expensive right yeah yeah I remember who's the other guy Dave Chappelle Neil Brennan funny guy he was like Talking about how he was mad at young people and he was like you're getting mad over this single issue Why are you all becoming single issue voters? And referring to Palestine and I was watching it. I was like, I mean, I'm first of all I think it's like 50 issues baked into one second of all, it's pretty crazy

To refer to refer to that as like why single-issue voter, huh? Hmm It's not like I don't know prison slave labor, which is really fucking bad or it's not like, you know it's kind of like the the mass execution death and cleansing of like a Fuck ton of like a whole bunch of people. I think I mean I don't know I could be wrong. What do I know? I'm just fucking I'm just a lonely ass white boy with you know fucking heart of gold You're not qualified to talk about this that stuff you didn't work with a genius 20 years ago, and then do nothing else Yeah

Yeah, I am a lot of people don't know this but while Nathan Fielder was writing Nathan for you I was actually In his apartment, and I was borrowing his vacuum Okay, how'd that go? No, I'm saying Neil Brandon acting like he has fucking authority. Oh politics sorry I spaced out there yeah, yeah, you're good yeah, I Get I get it. Yeah guys anger. I don't know you've been fucking rich cuz somebody else was funny for you half of your life

You've been fucking rich cuz somebody else was funny for you half of your life Yeah, yeah, I mean I think how are you one of the main guys on the Chappelle show and you're not a household name To be fair it wasn't called the Neil Brennan show yeah, I would have made him a household name if it was They should have called it. They should have had the name of everybody who worked on it in the show Yeah, yeah, like ten pages of names. It was a big title Paul if Tompkins was involved in like So many generations of stuff like he was in I just realized I don't think he was in the Chappelle show at all I think I was thinking of mr. Show. Yeah But then he was also in BoJack Horseman.

Yeah. So it's hard to say what his best work is. Tom Kenny, same thing. One of those early alt guys who just ended up being Spongebob for like 15, 20 years. Which is pretty sick, I guess, as far as careers go. I've never voiced any cartoons or done anything in my life. Do you think Will Arnett liked being Bojack Horseman for like six years? However long you had to do is this still show is it shows still going I don't know dude every every fucking I just want to preface this by saying if you like the show

I'm sorry, and you're exempt from this no fuck you if you like the show it's fucking stupid I was just gonna say every time I'm recommended that show It's fucking stupid. I was just gonna say every time I'm recommended that show, somebody says to me, Jake, have you watched BoJack Horseman? To which I say, not really. Some episodes, not my thing. They go, dude, you really gotta give it a chance. I know you would like it.

And then it's a show about like a horse that wants to kill himself. And everybody thinks he's a fucking loser and I'm like, well is that an indictment of your character, the guy that asked me the question, or is an indictment of mine? Why do you think I would like this? In general I try to stay away from the therapy adult cartoons mostly because I don't really need like a cactus to tell me that I have bipolar disorder or that I have like regret in my life

It's not something that's needed for me. I know I have both of those things and I know that they cause me and others around me great pain. I don't need a fucking lizard to be like Well, everybody makes mistakes and then he like goes and does heroin or something. I don't need that I have people like that in my life that are real. They're not lizards. They're just guys. I know So yeah, it's just always like recommended to me is something that I have to watch Then I sit down and I try to watch it and I go wow This is ass cheeks I

remember I tried to watch Big Mouth and This was like during the pandemic or something and I because it was another it was another one of those that was like recommend like hey, dude You'd really like this and then I watched it and I and I was like, oh I kind of get it and then they there's a lot of naked cartoon children, which I You know what I mean? Yeah.

I'm not really crazy about that type of stuff. I mean, don't want to yuck anybody's yum, but also... Who gives a shit? You know what I mean? Yeah. I looked up top 10 scariest person in the whoever it which is number one maximilian deros pierre

i don't i'm not gonna fucking read all that if it's a french guy that's not scary to me french is not a scary language is the uh... what well decide was a nasty motherfucker decide yeah Anything of us odd no marquees outside? No, no marquee decide gilded ray Gita ray was a child eater and fucker

He's pretty fucked up guy Joe Biden Number three Joe Biden The scariest motherfucker that ever notorious. Wow, it says notorious child eater rapist killer and fucker Joseph Robinette Biden Born in 1801 Number two number three Timmer Number three, Timur, what is that a fucking dog's name? Timur? I think that was a... This ancient Asian conqueror and founder of the Timurid Empire's favorite method for dispatching his enemies was to force them to commit suicide

Yeah, I can do that too. It's called arguing according to accounts during his time in India Timur ordered over two hundred thousand captured soldiers to jump from a cliff to their death Yeah that Let's call it summer salts I would definitely do that because I would survive a cliff easily sure that cliff is one of the least scary things to me because I would simply climb down mm-hmm well if you landed like in a roll you'd

be pretty good too I would imagine Ilsa Ilsa coke yeah I'd sip some sip something like that the wife of a Nazi commandant at the Buchenwald concentration camp Coke and not Coca-Cola Was known to gallop through the camp on horseback a la Paul Revere. I didn't it doesn't say Paul Revere in the thing, but mmm whipping random prisoners often to death Jesus Christ well into death Jesus Christ well and she used their skin to make lampshades book bindings in a handbag which she carried everywhere you know sometimes that's

what ladies do when you don't take them shopping you know H H Holmes oh yeah H H Holmes was I saying for Hulk Hulken's home where he lives born Herman Webster budget yeah I would change it to H H as well what's the fucking second H stand for uh he apparently he's he donated a bunch of human skeletons to Chicago Medical Schools and it turned out that he killed all of them. Very very nice.

Very awesome. Yeah, not a good way to cover your tracks. Giving them to a medical school. What were they even doing with bones back in the day in the 1800s? Tasting them? Mmm yeah I think so. Imagine being a researcher back in those days which is probably when they lived in caves and you get your research and then you crack a bone open and get a little marrow as a treat. Yeah I mean that was pretty much common practice. I used to think that Native Americans still snacked on bone marrow quite a bit. I was a kid

My dad you think that was like a delicacy. He would crack the top off and suck the bone marrow out He'd eat chicken wings and I tried to do it one time and it made me not feel good mostly and it is Seemed to bizarre seemed like a very fat thing to do Also like why are you doing that who's number six or four I guess the thug barum Aside from being a shockingly prolific serial killer which at least with at least 931 victims his name cult leader thug barum makes his list of monsters for the particularly chilling method he used to dispatch his victims and when he Says when they say dispatch they don't mean like a 9-1-1 dispatcher, right right they mean kill

Yeah Strangling with a ceremonial cloth known as a rumal very nice well that's stupid strangling you know one of the main ways people die especially in america because all their shirt collars are too tight

you ever tried auto erotic asphyxiation? Where you hang yourself a little bit while you fucking tug on it? No. Never gave it a go? No, I think I tried choking myself one time with my hand and then I started laughing. That's pretty good. I thought this is insanely gay.

I wanted to see if it would immediately make my penis harder. I wanted to see if it would immediately make my penis harder and I think it did and then I think I started laughing really hard and I don't think I even... This is also to jack off I think. So this wasn't... This was sexual. I was like in middle school. I just choked myself with my own hand. You know as a 14 year old it's hard to make directions.

That's fine dude. Elizabeth Bathory. No it was easy. It's so easy as fuck. I do it all the time. I do it every day. Yeah. I have one at work all the time. Elizabeth Bathory. Yeah. What you do do take a fucking shower You don't get done with the blood countess without doing some serious dirty deeds to earn it You know, it's a story behind this nickname which earns Elizabeth Bathory a comfortable place on this list. She was a She Mutilated and murdered out of adolescent girls she was

rumored to bathe in their blood not a good way to take a bath yeah maybe the worst way to bathe cuz then you're all red you smell like fucking meat. Iron. You're a dumb bitch. What an idiot fucker. God damn what a dumb moron. Fucking stupid. Empress Wu Zetian. Wu Zetian. Empress Wu. Zetian.

Zetian. Zetian. The only Empress in Chinese history. She was regularly known to order those tortures executions and forced suicides of all who stood in her way Yeah, why didn't she just step to the side? And she also killed her own daughter Emperor what she'd do ask her to get a nose job. Oh my God. I'm fucking awesome. So she was known for killing victims if they asked to use the restroom swag. What does she

see? English teacher. Just kidding. I'm kidding. That's a joke. Ties on the fucking any Chinese owned stores here. If you ask these the rest of them, they act like you try to rape them. Oh, like like the bodegas and stuff. Not even like, yeah, the body is like hardware stores and like. Everything they're like, you want to use the bathroom, you want to leave your poop here and I was asking, just asking. Everything they're like you want to use the bathroom you want to leave your poop here Asking just asking Just a question you want to leave your pee on the floor your poop with the toilet and your fucking spit in those sink

Come on, dude. Are you a fucking animal? Yeah, I was reading that that Empress she was made to be the concubine of the Emperor when she was fourteen. Um. Fuck it. Slut. Uh. Well, let me see here. Although the function of the concubine in China is almost always associated with sex,

a woman in this position could have had a number of non-sexual responsibilities. From daily tasks like taking care of the laundry to more specialized skills like conversation, poetry, reading and playing music. Yeah, I get it. I pay a bitch to talk to me. You know what I mean? That's how my money flowing. I pay a fucking 14 year old girl to have conversations with me. I'm the king of China. What up bitch? Here's a hundred dollars scram It was back then you know I mean it was yeah 626 CE so you know bell gunnus She killed multiple families by she would marry the guy and then poison his children and then Poison him and then get the life insurance money from all of it.

He did this multiple times and that's how you know she had that bomb thing on her probably. Cooter? That pussy's so good I let you kill me and my daughter. It was so good I let you I let you kill the entire all of my army men. You killed my whole military. My whole northern flank. Dammit. Vlad the Impaler, you ever heard of him? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, well if you've heard of Vlad the Impaler... Ummm... Watch out for Donald the Insurrectionist, because he's gonna be coming into play next year. Check, please. Well, that went well. And he's right behind me isn't he? Man he's fucking me. Yeah the fucking god damn... What was I doing earlier?

Oh yeah I was looking at car loans. They don't want to give me one. They don't want to give me one because I don't pay you your debts back. Crazy. They should just trust me. This is stupid. You know what I mean? I would give you one.

I know you would, brother. That's what makes this friend. Yeah, I'd give you 75% APR. 75% a week. It would be a 300 month loan. $200,000. 75% APR. 300 month loan two hundred thousand dollars 75% APR 200 months and That could get you and just only 300 bucks a month though, and it would be for a used Kia Rio

I was looking at one of those stingers. They're pretty nice man I Was looking at one of those stingers. They're pretty nice, man Let's make them anymore though, right? No, they're used but somebody did make a good point I was talking about getting one and they were like, why would you want? Because it's a Kia it's like why on earth after all the problems that you had Is the stinger is like reliable was like all the problems you have the van Why would you get the only cool car that Kia makes they like that with the easiest to steal ignition system you ever made by human man I

was like I don't know man they look cool like they're more reliable than Mustangs they're pretty fast they got nice and tiered it's like y'all this stuff is true but it's like the rate that I'm going I would get the Kia stinger and then it would it would get stolen like the next day maybe maybe like on the way to get into it once I buy it like leave from the lot yeah it just you know it would be my luck to get a new car and then I'd get Kia Boyd one of the listeners told me he got Kia key avoid his Hyundai got snatched That's kind of I mean it's got to suck but at least you get some money out of it, you know, maybe I don't know

Yeah, there's probably a bit of a delay with that out Yeah, very true probably a good two months where you just don't have a car and you still have a car payment because The bank has to confirm that you didn't drive it to Mexico and burn it down or something You know anybody that did that my dad's buddy did that? No, I had an old boss who his dad wanted to get rid of a car and he secretly stole it and drove it into a creek Wait, who secretly did your boss? The son did yeah

Boss whenever he was in high school So his dad could get think it was genuinely stolen. He like broke the window in the driveway and then like got fucked up with his buddies and like shot at a bunch in the woods and Nobody ever found it Wait, so he wanted the car stolen, but he didn't want to know that it was gonna get stolen His dad he didn't even tell his dad. He was gonna oh But you said the guy wanted the truck gone

Yeah, he was it was just like a shit box or whatever. Okay. He was like guy I wish that truck would just blow up or disappear or something, you know like you know just like so his son was like Stole it that's pretty cool a bunch. That's pretty much that never knew I don't think I Love that my uh my dad The only I think the only nice thing like car wise that he ever owned he told me He got off like a he got like an oil rig and he bought

one of those like the late 80s Pontiac Firebirds not the the curvy gin in the 90s and then not the one that's like the smokey in the bandit but the one in between it was kind of pointy at the tip and boxy at the back he bought one of those and it had teatops and there's a picture of him in it with like a bunch of beer cans. I actually found it when I was doing a celebration of life. There's a picture of him with it and he uh I think it was like right after he got back from the military maybe. Anyway it's a picture of him in it and there's a bunch of beer cans in the driver's seat and he's like

this. It's just like he's smiling like the it's a cocaine of him in it and there's a bunch of beer cans in the driver's seat. He's like this It's just like he's smiling like the it's a cocaine smile is what it is like when you're like Oh, someone's taking a picture of me I'm gonna show all of my teeth and my gums cuz that's what normal people do when they smile. Anyway, he was telling me about it I was younger. I was like, oh, I used to have a cool car, you know Firebird with teatops. I was like oh, he's like I used to have a cool car. You know Firebird with teatops. I was like oh Definitely seems like something you'd pass on or you know why don't you still have it? And he was like oh I had it for a week, and I wrapped it around telephone pole He like he like got their car

And then like was paying on it and then got fucking pissed drunk like the next Saturday that he got it and took it out Wrapped it around a telephone pole and just went home Like I don't think he got a DUI for that one. I think it was just like a Hey, you left your car here. It's fucked up or whatever type situation But I was like damn how many miles did you have on and he was like, I bought it used but it's probably like 20,000 miles I was like That's fucking I mean it's it's smart it's actually really smart to not have anything cool if you buy something cool you should destroy it

like your friend with the truck or like maybe the van I blow it up you know what I mean haven't haven't anything to pass on or like anything worth the fuck seems kind of stupid yeah what the fuck I'm gonna pass on a piece of tape to my kids. Lifetime of pain? This is... my son's gonna be named Saul Samuel. Saul Samuel. This is a piece of tape I used when I was a kid, when I was your age. I used it on a piece of paper I used when I was a kid when I was your age. I used it on a piece of paper. The paper's not with us anymore, but I still got that piece of tape. Beautiful.

Here you go, Saul Samuel. And then Saul Samuel says, thank you, Boppa. I will use this tape well, and I will use it on my double on my door and it'll stick to it I'd say good job Saul Samuel. Now. Are you gonna go in back into second grade and get good grades? What he's gonna say? Yeah Papa. I Will well my name business all Samuel Thomas why jr. Because he'll be a jr. Because he'll have part of it in front of his name

But he'll still have the same name as me past a certain point sure yeah half jr. It's all same you'll have Yeah, and then if he has a kid With half the name that he had and then that guy will be Thomas White. Three quarters. One and three quarters. Very nice. Yes. I love that. That's a classic Southern thing to do. You know, you want your progeny, you want them to carry on your legacy. You don't want them to go off and study art or be gay. You want them to have the same name as you, gay you want them to have the same name as you and you want them to make the same mistakes

you did it's kind of critically important to the whole lake father's legacy thing you know I mean yeah what you're looking at on your phone pictures of guys butts? No, I'll be honest with you. I was looking at it I Was asked if I was hungry well I was asked if I was mungry mm-hmm And I said yeah a little bit what sounds good Yeah, who takes who takes is that the president Tim walls he's hiding out on my roof right now with a fucking sniper rifle because I'm worried the anti woke mob is gonna come Get us

because I accidentally the the anti woke police were circling the block yeah the Elan's guest Trump oh and I accidentally left my pronouns taped to the window and they threw a fucking rock through it take those symbol I got you very in and now instead of he him it just says he He hmm Damn man, it sounds like I'm starting to fall asleep he Got to write that one down Yeah, that's got to go in the box brother. That's got to go

Yes, I was at work the other day my somebody shot up my pronouns pin with a BB gun now everybody calls me he Or he hot he hi they either think I'm sleepy or having a laugh, you know what I mean They think I'm old McDonald had a Pronoun he They cheat they did and on that gender I don't want to do this. Yes. No, come on. Anyway No, it's okay everybody. It's it's gonna be too woken everybody's gonna tune out because we have to cater to the trump tards now That's true. Yeah, all right

What's the shit guys? Don't you like it when you eat some red meat and your wife is 16 Don't you like it when you? fucking Sun tan your balls and eat butter at the airport and Fucking read Stoicism. What the fuck is the obsession with stoicism? among like the neo like in an among like the neo like in an Nrx adjacent fucking because I'm like 99% convinced that like a couple of these like Peter till dudes Just read some Yavin bullshit, but I don't I I don't know. What is the fucking deal with the stoicism thing?

Why is that so popular with guys who work at like Oracle like what's the fucking because my thing is is it's like it's probably something about like the The ego of it like I'm above these things. I am calm collected tactician like a realius was like Wasn't really is like a huge pussy You didn't even want to be emperor or something and like he just fucking wrote that stuff as like a basically like a journal or some shit

Like who gives a fuck I drove past a billboard the other day on 35 and it was and I saw an ad for a Supplement company that also sold TRT Stoicism supplements they sold ashwagandha tankar ali TRT and a bunch of fucking like Sima like a Ozempic style bullshit and it seems like a trick to turn you into an actual gay guy Right, right. I'm like we're gonna get you We're gonna get you really strong And we're gonna get your sex drive up. We're gonna get your balls to look like a pig's balls And we're gonna get you to lose a hundred pounds

Yeah, and we're gonna get you to lose a hundred pounds. Yeah, and we're gonna make you really nervous Yeah, yeah, so you want to fuck your wife put your two nervous to ask So you have to go to the gym or blow a guy at the gym, right? Yeah, for sure and then he doesn't even let you come Yeah, he has other things you have to hold your you have to hold your dick on her between your ass on the whole drive Home, so doesn't spring up in your face He bust a load on your own head Yeah, I fucking I saw that shit and oh dude drive home, so doesn't spring up in your face He bust a load on your own head Yeah, I fucking I saw that shit and oh dude okay, so

the billboard said stoicism supplements and or stoics out fucking know and the The graphic I guess was like stoic was in spray painted like white was like stoic was in spray-painted like white like cool like edgy like whenever you get a Bible and it's like a cool it's like cool Bible for teens whatever font that fucking is it's like it's not chiller but it kind of looks like it and then supplements was in like the same font that's in all the gentrified houses the addresses it's like a Garamond style it's that and then

it was Michelangelo's David and he was like outstretching his hand and he was like holding a bottle of I don't know fucking vitamin B I guess and I'm like I'm like that what what is this who's this for like I understand who it's for because they're into it shit like I understand it I get it but like why that why do you why do you get into like I mean transcendentalism I guess was a thing but do you why do you get into like I mean transcendentalism? I guess was a thing but why the fuck did you get into it? I've read some of it and I'm like, I don't understand the appeal like if you want to be a millionaire

Jiu-jitsu guy read Machiavelli or something. Maybe everybody got tired of that. I need you thing and instead they got into fucking Yes, though is is fucking all that other shit I'm gonna go we used to to have Chong and Chi Chi and now guys are reading Nietzsche I'm gonna do the Diogenes thing and I think I'm just gonna start jacking off at the market I'm gonna live in a big fucking pot and I'm gonna wipe my ass on stuff and I'm gonna beat my dick in this middle Walmart and The fucking mayor is gonna come by and I'm gonna be like you're a fucking bitch, dude. Fuck you

And it's a good to not feel anything really Not express any emotions when you're in office in an office and family setting you think people don't want to know how you feel Nobody actually cares about how men feel did you know that? Yeah, brother, that's what men suicide now. We're talking higher. It's not cuz we're blue It's not cuz we're bigger losers and women on Now we're talking Yeah, I yeah the lonely men kill ourselves cuz we're not allowed to shake ass in public right exactly I'm not even kidding dude

We it's not I mean there is a loneliness epidemic maybe I don't fucking know but I do think we kill ourselves a bunch because we are like if You are you have to do you can't shake your butt cheeks. You can't have a good-ass time You got to walk around brooding all day. If you're not Batman, you're you're fucking you're a loser You have to kill yourself simple as you know what I mean? And if you are doing some gay shit, you got to be like Prince or like Tyler creator or something you got to be like You got to be so gay that you go back to being much eat like like macho You know what I mean like you go back to being fucking badass if that makes sense Yeah, I mean I

suppose I Would say Don't try to be Tyler the Creator Sure, because I think there's only I think if you are actively trying to be like him You would be a huge loser not that he is right right It's cool to turn yourself into a Wes Anderson character so that you can make worse music. He's like, no, I'm like a billionaire bellhop now. Yeah.

Don't worry about it. Yeah. I don't make just rap anymore. I also make dog shit. Yeah. The only fucking high school girls listen to Yes, fine. I talked to thousands of high school girls every day. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, and I know what they Really like music wise and that's what I try and do with my anonymous

music that I do I don't As crazy lover my side crazy lover crazy crazy lover and I make bedroom pop I Tell everybody I'm Canadian This is classic bedroom pop riff that I'm humming right now Why don't you sing a little bit of your single Thomas? I'm kind of like if Alex G didn't know how to play any instruments So I'm just at my house

Yeah, I'm not like super good at songwriting either Yeah, no I get it. I understand But I hope that I mean, you know people i think you were to like concern with aesthetics and things being good these days there's a lot of dog shit out there so i think you define uh... donald is a true who looks like a uh... like he's or she's got a small hands

great big hair he's got small hands is a great big hair he's got small hands and some great big hair Kamala's a girl that types really loud she's got cool hair really long nails and she types really loud long nails and she types really loud. Trumpy broke the law again. Heard this time he's getting voted in. Guess I didn't cast my vote. Cause I was gonna vote for Kamala Harris.

How's that song go? Maybe he was out of line But Hillary Clinton was a really close friend of mine Yeah, I like that maybe she killed a kid and I bet you did a good job if she did What it means to be yeah, you know Alex P. That was G Alex Donald's T. There go very good nice fucking badass I Fuck it. I'm sorry. I'm laughing. I'm still laughing at Mary

at Mary Trump is really good Donald is a Trump who is also orange red tie fuck what I say word yeah and he looks really boring okay Okay Donald is the Trump that eats all the burger. He's got really small hands and Let nose corporate mergers, that's all I got on that one. I like that. I like that. That's all I have Donald is the guy who does all the deals. He's got a big fat pig and he fucks it to the squeals Who's the guy who's the other guy? Vance is a guy whose mom did some pills sold him for a perk now he makes all the bills. It doesn't matter I'm tired of doing that we don't actually we can keep doing it. Who gives a shit? What's the other one?

There's a girl who is really bad she's woke she's a woke lady a Democrat there you go woke girl she's got a cool hair in a real loud laugh I'm so proud of blue and I voted it too doesn't matter what they say Barack Obama invented change wish I could be black like you. Wish I had big old black shoes. Wanna be a star like you. Wanna run the red, white, and blue. There we go, that'll do.

That's fine with me. Are you looking at Bellex G songs? I was doing the same thing. Do not vote is written on the doorway. Why can't everyone just vote today? Oh man, that sucks really bad. Yeah. Yeah, that really isn't very good. Okay. Do not vote Vote for Trump is written on the doorway

Why can't everyone just vote for hey? Cheesy mouse is wrote in on the Doorway, why can't every mouse just be gray okay mousey ate the cheese again heard this time he's sharing with his friend maybe it is Swiss cheese maybe he will die from rodent disease maybe they are both have tails, but I guess they're smaller than some whales. Maybe they have two front teeth. And maybe one of them's named Keith. Mousey's in the mood this week, cuz somebody went and took his cheese that was pretty funny

to me fuck I guess I should give him some of my cheese knows about it Maybe some charcuterie, but he is not a fan of cured meats. Maybe he could have salami or some capicola for his tummy. Fucking on a tiny mouse is knocking to the hole that is his house house and then I had to bang him good Lifted up the tail and I laid down the wood fucked on a giant mouse Shook up the whole rodent house everybody was screaming squeak

What should a mouse do before he sleeps everybody's I Gotta keep a bill with you young blood the fuck the visual of you lifting up It's really really bad dude Fucking sucks. I'm not gonna lie to you It's funny that was that was like all the shit that you've said on the show and all the shit you said to me I don't know why did that just like I was laughing, but I was like I was reviled Because I saw your face like like you like squint like like like you smelled something that smelled good I was trying to figure out how it had to go about it Understand listen. I think I completely understand the song. So you flip it upside down

But you just use it like a It's nice to be that they hit it from the back I suppose Yeah, but it's nice of you to date it from the back. I suppose Gentle yeah, yeah, you're a nice guy. Also. This is as Alex Alex. This is something Alex G. Would you sure yeah me? Sure also I get great after care and bringing it a small platter There's a little wedge with some of the napkin napkin to wipe it. Yeah, they're fucking I was Also again just Bunch of like anthropomorphized rats screaming squeak

God damn it. All right, you know what? I don't think we're gonna top that and that was in the midnight hour of the episode Thank you all for listening to the free episode of Padao time if you've got some cheese to spare and you're not a little mouse head on over to patreon.com slash Padao time and toss us a little bit one slice of cheese gets you access to the discord made a lot of cool motherfuckers in there five slices of cheese is gonna get you access to the discord plus a bonus episode every week an entire backlog of bonus episodes anywhere for like 300 now Tim what's money you access to that plus video episodes. I just put some up like a week or so ago So go check those out

We have some free ones and a sketch go check that out on YouTube run those numbers up Pendejo time worldwide I got a little 20 minute fucking set on there give that a watch if you like stand up and you fucking want to and Yeah, I think that's it this weekend this Saturday. I'm at Creek featured comics Everybody gets to do feature-link set so that'll be a fucking fun-ass show I don't know if I got that much fucking dick. We're gonna find out how much material actually have

So it'll be fun comes to come see that tickets are creaking cave comm creek featured on this Saturday at 7 p.m Come catch a brother do stand up Tuesday November 12th, I'm actually gonna also be a creek again and then Saturday November 29th after Thanksgiving I think it's a Saturday or Sunday I'm at Lucy's Comedy Club in motherfuckin New Bronzeville, Texas. I think it's at lucyscomedyclub.com. Thomas you got anything to blog? No not at the moment. You made me look really bad. I'm sorry man I won't plug anymore. I forgot I did comedy, didn't

plan anything. Alright well I guess I'll work on setting something up because Jake has too many dates. Thank you guys for listening, subscribe if you want. Also Apple's about to roll out a new thing where they're going to take like 30% off the top for new subs if you do it through the app store so if you're getting a sub to us if you guys could please do it through like a web browser you know it's stupid but it would otherwise they're really gonna fuck us on that one yeah because that would like anyway thank you guys so much for listening tell your friends about the show yeah bye bye bye