Pendejo Time - barstool snorts

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

dave portnoy if youre reading this hey big guy im ready to be on the network. were just two fun loving gay auctioneers from texas who love football and lifted trucks. 50 million dollars or I will come to your house and shit in your bed so badly it will need to be burned. Support the Show.

and and we're back oh yeah this is a this is a free one right yeah free free to a good home free to a like they always say they do be saying that i was laughing earlier i to myself, like, me and you wake up in, like, a saw trap. You know, like, we're all, like, chained to a fucking miter saw or something. And the fucking jigsaw comes up, and he's on the TV, and he's like, for too long you've lackadaisically and lazily made money off a podcast without really trying so now you must talk your way out of the trap or whatever and like the saws are getting closer and both of us are just like okay bye-bye okay goodbye now okay i guess i will get my head off now

i get and he's like oh you uh are you you like, you have to fight your way out. No, it's okay. I'm ready. It's time to go now. It's time for me to go and die. Bye-bye. He's changing his mind. They're going the other way

and we're pulling them back towards ourselves. Come back now. You know, goodbye by then. Why are you? I don't want to be here no more. I was, like, just, like, because I don't know, like, a funny idea that I've always had, and it's not original at all, but just, like, a guy waking up in a saw trap and being like, nice. You know, like, it's like, I guess, like, this is pretty cool.

This guy's famous. You know, I mean, you know, I could die in my sleep, you know. I mean, sure, it's going to be incredibly painful and quite brutal, but I mean, I'm going to be on TV. When did that first come out? Dude, the first one came out like 2004, 2005. Yeah. Maybe earlier because I was... I don't really...

Like, I always say, like, I don't really watch movies, but I really have not explored the horror genre really almost at all. I've seen, like, four scary movies. But I understand they seem to be pretty good um i love them i watched them a lot i remember like so that particular one the first saw i think i was like nine or ten dude and my dad i wanted to go see i forget what i wanted to go see some stupid comedy movie i think think. Maybe some Adam McKay flick. I fucking forget. Anyway, though, my dad, he's like, yeah, we'll go watch the movie or whatever.

So we go to the movies, and we get there, and he's like, two tickets for Saw. This is my son. And the other guy, the lady's like, I don't care. And I was like, Dad, isn't Saw the scary movie? With, like, people, like, people like the trailer is like a guy cutting his leg off or whatever and he's like yeah I didn't really want to see whatever the hell you wanted to see and I kind of want to see this one so we're gonna see it and as a kid I was like terrified of the dark like I fucking just I just did not watch scary movies my mom didn't watch

them at the house I just was like i hated them and uh like i was sitting in the movie theater and i'm just like about like my dad's like the guy's like cutting his leg off my dad's like yeah man that guy's fucked up right there you see this he's just like taking it all in like he's watching like a death video and i'm just like scared shitless like fucking i didn't tell you i don even remember how the fuck old I was. We're leaving, and he was like, man, that was a good movie. Do you like it? I'm like, no.

I'm fucking terrified. I guess it broke me or whatever because I ended up liking them a lot. The situation of going into at nine years old thinking you're going to watch Cars 2 or whatever because i ended up liking them a lot but i just the situation of being like going into at nine years old thinking you're gonna watch like cars two or whatever and then you just watch like torture porn for two and a half hours it's just i was like they fucked me up for like two months my mom was like you know did you let him watch that movie where they cut each other's legs off? My dad's like, yeah. And I'm just in the corner. I'm like, it was fine.

It's okay. See, that's a movie just called Saw. That seems like something that, like, my dad and I would walk into, me as a nine-year-old, just thinking that it was a movie about a guy who knew how to use a bunch of saws and he was just building a deck or something yeah very like literal autistic yeah just like if how it's made did like a documentary on yeah like yeah like saws all those miters yeah you wake up in a dark room and you know the guy's like i need you to help me build the coolest man cave ever and you're like yeah i'm here with i'm here with the eagles and we're all they're gonna play live music and they need you to play guitar it's like i know how to play guitar yeah

uh i'm thinking like a 43 year old guy who like never got diagnosed with autism because he was like like before like he's just he's older so you know he doesn't like sees that he doesn't see the trailer or whatever he's just like heard about it he's like i'm gonna go sit down and enjoy a nice movie by myself down in the opening scene as a guy like like cutting his fucking femoral already with a hacksaw and he's like i this is not what i signed up for at all i did not anticipate this uh this is this is not i think i would like to be a guy like that so i'm never really disappointed i'm just kind of like huh some guy who's a autistic he just loves looking at weather charts he goes to see rain man they're just. They're just all

pointing fun at this guy. For no reason. Everyone's yelling at this regular guy. An autistic Italian guy from Jersey going to see the big short. Hold on a second.

This is not about a tall short guy at all oh man funny and silly stuff man that was that's that's what cracks me up that's my sense of humor yeah that's what gets me is autistic guys that would definitely know to not go to a movie there's no guy they ended up in the wrong movie they meant to go to a different one and they went to the wrong one yeah and it's not what we're describing is a guy who's not like a high functioning artist but more really a guy who is so developmentally disabled that he's like incapable of even

getting to the movies to begin with. He would go and try to eat the movie. Yeah. I remember like when he took me to see Saw the at the park?

yes at the park I had a feeling you were gonna do something he took me to see Saw the the whole way there like you know he's like yeah

we're gonna see your little movie or something and then you know he gets there and he's like yeah we're gonna see your little movie or something and then uh you know he gets there and he's like yeah we're gonna see saw and uh he like looks down at me and he you know he's like this is my son i guess thinking maybe the guy wasn't gonna let me into the movie and i distinctly remember like even though i was young, being like, who else would I be? Like, you just picked up a kid outside of the movie theater and was like, hey, what you doing?

You here with somebody? We're going to watch a scary movie. Your parents won't care at all. Man, you want to build the weirdest bond ever? I'll even let you go right after this. I'm a guy who lives in a trailer, and I think it would put some hair on your chest to watch a horror movie with me. You did teach me a thing or two about life.

Oh, you're calling the police? Okay, I'm sorry. I'm a little too forward, I imagine. I'm painting a scenario where my dad is a pedophile. It's probably not a good thing as he listens to the show. Yeah. But, yeah. Yeah, we can let that one die if you want.

Yeah, I'm cool with that. We should join the police academy. I think i've got what it takes dude you had definitely i do i've seen some police officers a lot of the cops in austin are like in pretty good shape at least the ones that work downtown i guess they have to be but whenever i'm back home in houston and i'm like out and about in the town like i went out yesterday and to this like really cool hot dog joint that does like boar and elk game dogs fucking dope anyway um all the cops that i see in houston are like i'm like how the fuck did you pass like did you gain 280 pounds after you became a cop because it's like they're not even kind of fat like you see cops that are

like swole fat you know like yeah they're like they're fat like big arms and then also like a big gut yeah yeah you see a lot of those but i'm talking about dudes who have like skinny arms and then they just like huge huge bellies and like massive chins and they're like just fat as fuck dude like not even strong fat like old guys or no're usually like, they look probably like early 30s, early to mid 30s. They're not old guys. See, whenever there's like an old fat cop, he's always like the bodybuilder fat. Yeah. He's got like the hardest belly you could imagine.

Ex-power lifter. Yeah, it's made out of like bronze. Yeah. belly you could x power lifter like yeah it's made out of like it's made out of like bronze yeah yeah no i'm talking about like just soft fat guys who i see like you know they're doing the thing where they grab their vest and rest their arms and they're like trying to stand tough but they're like 5'8 and like easily 260 and i'm like but again you know whenever i watch the like the videos and stuff those guys are the first to like mag dump into the side of some guy's car or just beat the shit out of some... All the videos I see are always those types of guys.

They're the first to be like, officer down! You know, just go and fucking ham on somebody. Just shooting his German Shepherd in the back of the head nine times as he approaches the front door. shepherd in the back of the head nine times as he approaches the front door have you ever seen the stats on like how many like on on canine units that are killed in action it's like all of them are by their cops they all just get shot by the cop that or they bite somebody and then the cop shoots the dog that is and like you know he has to put it down but they just you know i know like i've read a lot about how cops love to shoot like just big like friendly labradors who like they issue like a no-knock warrant and the dog like obviously is like, Hey, and then they're like,

get that dog. And they just fucking like literally ventilate the dog with like 80 rounds. Just, you know, um, I never read anything about that. I do remember reading that or maybe it was in a college course. I remember,

but it was something like it was some stat it. Right. And it was like 60 to 70% of like the bullets that are fired by cops like miss like during shootouts yeah it's like which in like call of duty or something is not bad no but when you're like a guy with a license to kill like also when you're like usually the only one with a gun. Yeah. It's usually just you. Yeah.

And maybe like a 10 year old. Like they, like the, somebody like the article, I think it was an article or a book. I don't remember, but they were making the point that like trained officers of the law shoot about the same, in some cases worse than just a guy who goes to the range you know twice a

year like you know general homeowner who like people who like report in surveys like here's what i you know are like just basic people who just shoot or whatever it's fucking terrible and we're reading that and thinking like you know what like what are you what do you mean like is this just one precinct no it's the whole country uh okay that is terrible news that does not make me feel good at all yeah well that they're still learning right right a guy who's been in the force like 42 years and he's like well i'm shooting like seven inch groups right now well i fire off a lot of warning shots but once i get that second clip worth of warning shots off you better start running boy let me tell you because this yeah they call me old iron sides down at the range because because i only iron the sides of my shirts.

And the other two halves are full of bullets. Like, again, like, you start this by saying we should join the police academy, but it's like, really, I don't think, at least based on the people I see and the stats you read, it seems like something that is, it seems like it would be harder to like. I mean, you have to have a clean record and stuff. You do have to have a clean record. Do you? Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's weird though so it's easy in that if you haven't gotten caught doing anything yeah i was about to say it's like

like it's easy to get in the academy and stuff which i mean I feel like, you know, but guys, you know, when they join early and stuff, if you join early, then you're not going to get charged for like most of the stuff that cops do. I mean, I guess I'm just not thinking about it because I was about to say like I know a couple of guys I went to high school with who are cops now and they were just out of their mind like drunken morons like yeah well i guess if you don't get caught doing anything that it doesn't matter you know i mean i've known i actually haven't known that many cops now i think about it i'm like like, I think just a few, but I, uh, there's a lot of cops who are like, just, is fine i'm generally pro drunk driving because not you know not wasted but you know it's not a nice four out of ten i feel like it's fine yeah you gotta here's the thing people don't know their limits anymore yeah back in the day you know people also didn't know their limits. But there was a little thing called divine intervention. Right, right.

And, you know, let's say you, you know, you were, you know, 17, you know, moon shines deep. And you saw a scarecrow. moon shines deep and you saw a scarecrow and you you drowned in the creek because you thought it was a you thought it was your old dead grandpa that's a natural well that was divine divine selection divine ventilation and now you know they got these kids playing rock music on Wednesday nights. What do they expect? You know? These kids down at the church, and they got neon lights everywhere.

They're wearing makeup and black shoes and all sorts of witchy things. They're waving their hands around. They're dancing. They drink fruit punch. And they share the donuts with the girls in the morning. things are waving their hands around they're dancing they drink fruit punch and they they share the donuts with the girls in the morning and you know they think all these things are you talking about an aa meeting you know you see these things happening you're gonna lose privileges

you know we i used to let my kids drug drive every night they were eight nine years old and i'd let them go out on the tractor i'd say you go plow plow some of the fields you come long as you come back by you know seven eight a.m and mostly one piece i'll trust you you know people used to be tougher back then. I would tell my boy, he'd leave on a Monday, I'd say, you know, as long as you come back, what is it, November? As long as you come back by April, and one piece, you know. The kids these days are too soft. Yeah.

I remember, you know. What? I used to put an apple on my this is a true story about me I used to be able to put an apple on my son's head

and I could go the other side of the field with a bow and arrow and I could eat the apple from the other side of the field

right off his head bow and arrow and I could eat the apple from the other side of the field. Right off his head. Your neck game was that strong? I could eat the whole apple. Not even hurt him. Not even hurt him. Do you remember, this happened in your neck of the woods. Well, I think it was just Dallas proper, but. I wouldn't know nothing about that.

That's city folk. That kid, I think Ethan Couch was his name. He was, like, driving a truck, like, fucking blackout drunk. And he had, like, a bunch of people in the back of the truck. And then he, like, smashed into another truck that had, like, pulled over on the side of the road and killed like five six people and uh and he was the kid that the affluenza kid the lawyer was like he's so rich that he doesn't know right from wrong yeah and i remember like reading about that story and i was like you know obviously this kid's a piece of shit or whatever and then but you know like he gets off scot-free whatever well like five months later he's at a part like he's not

supposed to be drinking like he cannot drink or whatever apparently like five months later he's at a party like you know bombed like on snapchat you know he's like yeah i fucking smashed a car and killed a whole bunch of people uh you know sometimes shit happens but we out here you know he's like yeah i fucking smashed a car and killed a whole bunch of people you know sometimes shit happens but we out here you know out here with the boys and so they tried to take him back to jail so him and his mom just like fled to mexico like the kid got off like he killed a bunch of people like he did a he did like vehicular murder to like a bunch of people yeah and uh and he like looked that in the face and said i'm just gonna keep and then i think like after fleeing to mexico all that happened was he went to jail for like two years which again like you know you think you know like oh i have a friend of mine who's

pretty rich but he's definitely not that rich like how much Like, how much money do you have to have? That's absurd. If I even got an offender bender, I'd go to prison for 10 years somehow. And I have car insurance and everything. That's just how my luck would be. People would be like, hey, you still coming to New York? I'd be like, no, I got a parking ticket. I'm doing 5 to 10.

I got 15 years of parole. And they're like, how? You didn't go to prison. I'm like, I know, but it's Texas, you know. It's tough sometimes. My dad, he gets off so easy. Yeah, I bet he does.

Oh, okay. God damn it, man. I've been waiting like three episodes. Yeah, you haven't had a good one. You've been throwing them out there and they've meant nothing. I was throwing them out and then I got bored with it. I'll just be like, you had to go to the store. Yeah.

Oh, we did it again. It lagged out again. Yeah. No, I got bored with it and then i was like i'm gonna wait like maybe a year before i bring this back you like you were you were you were casting a wide net there for a second where i'd be like yeah i had to go to the doctor and you were like i bet you went to the fucking doctor bitch like. I'm like, what? I did. I had to go. That was a good one. I realized it was something I could do instead of contributing for like five episodes maybe. And so that's kind of what I did until I wore it thin enough.

Just have me talk for 47 minutes and of the full hours, 13 of you being like, yeah, no, you did clip your nails. You fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I bet you do live in Texas. Yep. I was going to say that he's had several DUIs and drug charges, and he just doesn't really like... They told him on the second one they were like you get another one you're going to jail for a long time and then he got

another one and like a drug charge and he went to jail for like a week that's what the guy dropped him off at Harris County Jail and uh I was like how long are you doing again on this these these charges he's like I think like eight days and i was like what do you mean like he was like yeah this was thanksgiving 2017 i'll never forget it because i come home for thanksgiving from austin he's like he's like hey uh do me a favor i'm like yeah he's like can you drop me off at jail i'm like what he's like yeah i gotta go to jail I'm like I knew he'd gotten the DUI and I was like oh okay and he was I was like uh you know I was like when do you need to be in jail he was like you just need to drop me off Friday morning at like 7 a.m. I was like okay and so like Friday

rolls around and like we're not really talking much in the car just bullshit and he's like asking me what like how's Austin and you know I'm like hey man didn't you get like isn't this like your third dui and like didn't you get like a like a drug charge or something he's like yeah looks bad i'm like how long are you my dropping you off in jail for and he's like ah like eight days i'm like wait like are you getting like from here to like TDC and Huntsville? And it's just eight days just in and out. And I'm like, how? But like I talked to my mom about it and she's like, dude, he's always been this way.

Like he has like innumerable PIs or whatever and just drug charges and DUIs or whatever. And like the judge will be like, if I see you in this courtroom again, you're fucked. And then, like, nine years will go by, and he'll be like, hey, what's up? The judge is like, ah, eight days. Whatever, man. I'll see you next time. And he still, dude, I think I've mentioned this before.

Like, you know, he's got the DUIs, and he's got all this other stuff, but he'll send me a picture of, like, he's clearly, like, behind but he'll send me a picture of like the he's clearly like behind the wheel of a motor vehicle and there's like two steel reserve 40s in the seat and he's like one of them's open and the cup holder he's like fuck it i'm like dude if you do this again you're gonna go to prison he's like yeah probably not though like he's like he's right though like i've i don't know like i think the reason that he's continued to like you know live this lifestyle it's like

he's a very funny guy gotta give props to him is because like he keeps getting off like with nothing like nothing at all uh like i i have had friends that have gotten, like, their second DUI, and they did, like, three months. Or, like, you know, like, six weeks. Like, two months. Yeah. Or, like, you know, they got a drug charge and a DUI. I know a guy who just recently got two of those. And he did, like, two months and then was, like, on probation for, like, three years. All my dad had to do was have a sober lock in the car.

That was it. And he would get people to blow into it like he just did nothing ever happened to the guy so like every time he sends me a picture like that or calls me and he's like ah i'm on 45 right now fucking shithouse what you doing boy i'm like hey dude you're gonna you're gonna go to jail for like big time like in the next one he's like well you know it's kind of like a roll of the dice i'm like what the fuck are you talking about like it's it's not a roll of the dice like you have been so lucky like the past 30 years you've been racking these fuckers up and you keep doing it and you keep getting on but eventually you know chickens are gonna chickens are going to come out on the roost or whatever, but maybe they won't. Like, it would be very funny if my dad amassed, like, before he died, like, seven more DUIs. So, like, 10 or 11 in total, however many.

And he was just still able to drive a car. He did a total of, like, maybe six months in jail. Not even, like, three and a half weeks. One of which was spent in like a halfway house. Well, son, it's the end of the line for me. I got a $200 fine for vehicular manslaughter. Yeah, he calls me. He's like, what?

He calls me. He's like, oh, boy, it's bad. I was coming home, and it just, man, I just couldn't stay inside the lines. He hit and fucking, oh, I clipped a lady walking the street and a dog, and she flew 13, 14 feet in the air straight to Jesus. I mean, she didn't even shake or nothing. They're throwing the book at me on this and i gotta pay 15 and uh i'm looking at a week and a half uh house arrest and uh it's

it's bad i'm like i'm joking but like i can totally see my dad like weaseling his way because he like will get these lawyers like these like fly by night like ambulance chaser dui chaser lawyers and uh i guess he'll like scrounge up the money to pay them like their initial fee you know two grand or whatever and then he just pays monthly or i don't know how it works because frequently he'll tell me he's like yeah i still owe the guy from like 2007 like 10 grand i'm like the lawyer he's like yeah and i'm like dude that guy got you off on nothing he's you didn't pay him and he's like fuck no i'm like how did you avoid that he's like you just change your fucking phone number and move around

like what the fuck like i don't know how he does it, man. And he, like, doesn't, like, he's learned no lesson. Like I said, like, he just, like, I know that he's picked, he's like, we've gone out to lunch or whatever. And he's like, I'll pick you up. And he'll pick me up. And there's a drive-thru daiquiri joint next to my mom's place. So I'm in Houston, either state, you know, my girlfriend or my mom. And he'll pick, he'll pull up my mom's apartment. So when I'm in Houston, I either stay, you know, my girlfriend with my mom and, uh, he'll,

he'll pick, he'll pull, pull up my mom's apartment. I'll be outside and he'll, he'll pull up and he's got two, like 32 ounce daiquiris. You can drive through this place and get like a 32 ounce daiquiri and you can put as many shots into it as you want. It's fucking awesome,

but it's definitely like something about it is almost close to illegal. And he's like, I got you a daiquiri, put nine shots in it. And I'm like it is almost close to illegal and he's like i got you a daiquiri put nine shots in it and i'm like we're going to chili's we are not going to like a bachelor party we're going to go have lunch and he's like i know we're starting early he just drives around like that for days on end i i i'm waiting for the call that that's the life right there it is man if you can get away with it which it you know it seems it's not something i could get away with but it's something me neither if you can uh wow that's honestly every man's dream

yeah not like not his actual dream but like something that he thinks about every once in a while. And like, like you're, you know, you're getting groceries for your family or whatever. And you're like, man, I could just, I could just drive. Yeah. Just a man unbound by natural law. I could drink, what if I could drink 57 bottles of whiskey and just somehow stay on I-20 for like the next 40 years. And then one day, you know, I never have to pull over for gas. Once the car starts running out of gas, it's the end of the line for me and then once you know i watched that sunset i got my last i reach i look and i it's my last beer i know i know that's it for me and then you

snap out of it you know but if you don't have to that's that's ideal i may have told the story like when we were like just toying with the idea the podcast, but he told me one time that... This is like his first or second DUI, and he had a bunch of crack rocks under the car seat. They weren't under there initially, but he had them in his pocket, and he gets pulled over, and the guy lights him the fuck up.

He was swerving. He was like, I'm fucking going away. He had a bunch of crack in his pocket. So he fucking throws the crack under the seat, I guess, thinking like there's no way they'll look under here, you know. And, you know, they give him the field sobriety. He blows. You know, he fails. They take him to jail.

He sits in jail for like you know three or four days i think my mom or somebody bailed him out or anyway and the whole time he's in jail he's thinking man if they find that crack rock i'm going to fucking prison dude because it was like a lot i guess and so he was just sitting there he told me he was fucking sweating the whole time that he was every time the cop came like or somebody came to like talk to him he was like because they impounded his fucking car or is there room to do you know and uh and he said it never fucking came dude never happened and so when he gets bailed out he like pays the to get the car to impound or whatever and fucking on the way home stops at like a gas station and reaches under

the fucking seat and all the cracks there they didn't search the car like at all like he went he's like i went home smoked the fuck out of that shit like what and he's like yeah normally when you get pulled over for dui and you're swerving all over fucking 225 they search your fucking car but i guess they were just lazy and that's you know good on me because I didn't need to be going to jail for no crack possession I'm like you should have like you should like you like what are you talking about and like it's just absurd dude like it's insane honestly like uh a lot of cops once they get their like arrest they don't care.

I mean, I don't know, man. I've seen guys pulled over on the side of the road with their fucking doors, like, the panels off their doors off, you know? No, yeah, I'm saying if you blow... Oh, I see what you're saying. Then they've already got their DUI. That's already, like, a weekend off or something like that. They get a gold star. Yeah, no, cops get, get like little bonuses at work for like like there's there's departments where literally like if you give out like a littering ticket or

something you can take like the rest of the day off is that real yeah that's fucking awesome yeah like you can so like let's say you get like like, a DUI or something, you're definitely going to get some sort of bonus thing at work. You know, I don't know if it would be, like, I don't know. It probably depends on the department. But you've definitely hit a certain quota. And so that's honestly probably how he lucked out is, like, they were like, yeah, if he had blown clean, it would have been more likely, you know, then they would have searched the car. Yeah.

I mean, it's just happened so many times that either my dad is like has the best worst luck ever or he's just getting pulled over by guys who are like thinking about killing themselves. They're just like, ah, well, you know, whatever. You got crack in here. That's's fine i don't give a shit i respect though i would love to have that kind of freedom but also i i don't think that i would because uh my dad like loses teeth like eating chicken wings now so i don't you know like i don't think it's been good to him over like the length of his career as a human being yeah no one plans on a career that long though yeah you know that's a good point no one plans on being like a 30 year like petty accidental criminal who just gets away with everything he's gonna be like somehow like 105 is still like it's still like stealing donuts or something.

I do. Just the pettiest. Nothing too bad. I'm imagining just being like a naughty guy. Like a little nuisance. Just an impish

figure. I remember joking with him a little nuisance yeah it's an impish uh figure i remember joking with him a little bit like you know because he always talks about this shit like it'll come up in conversation when we hang out and i'm like dude you should do armed robbery like if they're like if you're getting off on like several duis and drug possessions with like a week in jail one week like and we're not even wealthy like we're, he doesn't have money. Like, you're getting off, like, have you ever considered just knocking over a couple gas stations? What's the worst that could happen?

They give you two weeks in jail? Three? Like, I'm telling you, you could pistol whip a guy out of his car and, like, steal all of his money. Like, if your track record is any indication of what you could get away with, you could, like, totally probably kill a dude dude and the judge is like five months you know like i've seen enough don't throw the book at his ass lock him up like he's not like i'm like dude like you know you're telling me you've had all this shit like just go into a bank you can have

a fake gun go into a bank walk out with a couple hundred grand, and if you get caught, what's the worst that could happen? They're like, all right, look, we're going to give you a little time out, but you need to start acting right, boy. I'm telling you what. It would be funny if he became, by no preparation, just complete accident, the first guy to get away with a bank robbery completely in, like, you know, quite some time. And he wasn't even, like, wearing a mask or anything.

He, like, tripped over a cord and, like, unplugged all the cameras. And then he, like, you know, maybe had, like, dirty hands or something and all the marked bills got messed up and then later the cops are like yeah we just lost him i don't know and they're like how did you lose him what did he do uh nothing he left like half the cash there accidentally but he like ends up he ends up stealing like a bunch of money that was like belonged to a pedophile or something i don't know like some drug ring and the cops are like well he didn't know this going in but he actually did us quite the service so i mean you know we'll call it a wash you just ah you know what can you do i don't know i mean he's like

you know i get concerned for his health because he smokes and drinks a lot. But, like, everyone in his family and, like, you know, his dad died. But, like, everybody else, like, lives to be, like, 90 years old despite wanting to die, like, 30 years before that. Like, around 60, you know, everybody's like, ah, fuck. I'm ready. And then they all live to be old as fuck against their will like god refuses to call them home or whatever yeah i hope i outlive you by a lot that would be very funny uh

who would die first i don't really know probably me i feel like but again i don't know my family loves to live a long time the the only i've got you've got a few years on me age-wise um but we're it's still close enough yeah gap to where like lifestyle changes in the future could absolutely affect that because i feel like we're all like we're both like uh on the healthier side of who we can be right now yeah even though that's not really healthy it's just like we're doing our best. But in terms of potential for the havoc we can wreak on ourselves, I mean, it could get out of hand within the next, you know, even two weeks. Yeah, I always tell people that are like, hey, man, it's like you lost the weight.

Like, you're not doing drugs anymore. Like, congratulations. That's so sick, dude. Like, it's really cool. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, I appreciate it, you know? Um, but I need you to know as my friend that at any moment, like if I experience a tragedy, that's like beyond a flat tire, all this shit could go like back to square one. Like I am not, I do not have a steely resolve i am not i am not a very like vigilant person i don't really have that within me um like if somebody were to die i would it would just fall apart there's there's like just no way that i would like be able to handle that i would just be like all right whatever back to being fat as fucking doing drugs again

so you know i'd give that like a couple more years to see how everything plays out yeah sometimes i like to be like uh dude screw this i'm you know i'm i'm gonna just probably just gonna get fat again or whatever you know i'm not even working out right now and then i like won't gain any weight and i'll like keep working out like i might eat a little bit more and i just sort of like work it off and then like i don't i'll tell people like yeah i know i probably can tell i'm getting fat again or whatever and they're like no dude you haven't gained any weight like you're maintaining homeostasis right now which is fine like you look exactly the same as you did last week i'm like

yeah i know my weight probably fluctuates a lot and you probably recognize that but that's just because you know sometimes i'm out of the gym and they're like no did you look like pretty much the same yeah i've gained maybe like yeah like eight or eight or maybe 10 pounds since i haven't been in the gym and i'm like it's just like my own like shit like my own problems like i'll be like yeah i'm like fat as fuck again and my friend's like what and i'm like yeah i was 19, and I'm like 200 pounds now. And he's like, are you okay, dude? Are you okay? I'm like, no, dude.

It's easy to tell. It's like, no, it's probably just water weight. I feel like I'm going insane sometimes. But it's just like my own shit, like my own perception of myself. Yeah, I got sick last week and I was like, oh, dude, I can tell I've lost a lot of weight. I'm probably down to like 183 or whatever. And then I stepped on a scale and I'd lost like literally like one pound in water weight. And it was like first thing in the morning like on an empty stomach like i

probably gained weight a little bit i was like yeah i'm probably empty stomach all dried out you know what am i what what one's 150 150 one stepped on the scale 191 93 oh man yeah i'm I'm wasting away here. Yeah, like, I don't, I have, like, a very poor, like, perception and understanding of, like, like, I try to learn, you know, like, about, like, nutrition and shit, but most of my shit's just, like, obsession and sanity and then, like, taking two months off and then, like, getting back into it, you know? Like, It's not anything that's particularly... It's healthier than what I have been and have done in my life, but it's not correct, if that makes sense. It's not right.

Oh, well. I think at the end of the day, no man... No one man should have all that power. No man's too far from two hands in an island. That's what I say. There's no Iceland in Thailand. And you can take that to the bank.

Can I? No. You can take that to the bank. Can I? No. You can't. I don't know. I'm realizing the more I look into all this shit that I'm like, you know. Like I was reading, it's like, oh, I just open up a joint account and then just pay you like an employee. like a joint account and then just pay you like an employee um and i just i have a it literally only worked this way because i started the patreon and then put my bank account information in there but like on paper having an employee and then that employee is you is hilarious to me that's just

it makes like it's it's making me laugh like like like i should say you should say I'm your butler or something. Yeah. My indentured servant. I don't know. I just get paid to act like I'm your cousin or something. That's basically like... If I were to give you stubs, I would just have it say CIA handler or something. This is my slave. give you stubs that would just have it say like cia handler or something like just this is this

is my my slave i i pay a meager salary you know what would be funny is if we just if we both put our official positions as as like now we're the company slaves. It's really unjust that they've done this to us. But it's the position we were assigned. They're like, oh, God, that's awful. Who runs it? Us. So let me get this straight. The name of the show is Pendejo Time.

The name of the company is Boss Hog Enterprises. And both of you were slaves and business owners correct yes that's correct we mostly oversee the operations uh and we're punished by it as well um yeah i don't i don't like i think i'm just over complicating it in my mind but like i i i was telling ashley like i like I never thought, even when this started really, that I would have to like start like a – like I'd have to file with the state of Texas paperwork that I own a business. I never wanted to be a business owner. Like it wasn't a dream of mine. I never had any you know like motivation

or aspiration to do yeah i don't i mean i don't think anyone um was under that impression no one was like man jake's gonna start all through all through all through elementary school man we knew that jake was gonna be the next uh you know yeah that's a good point it's not like you know i'm saying this to my girlfriend who like you seem so uh you know so ambitious and good with money he really had his head on his shoulders yeah that's funny i just just you just made me realize that i was telling this to my girlfriend like i can't believe you know i'm having to do this and she's like no one else like she's probably thinking to herself babe like nobody ever we're in your boat we nobody like we agree with you we never ever no one ever everyone except for me knew that i was

going to be the richest man in the world this sucks i'm imagining like jeff bezos or like elon musk or somebody and they just instead of being like power hungry or anything they're like i just i really wasn't expecting to make it anywhere with this i was just making a stupid stupid website for my books now i gotta i mean it's like a blessing you know because i you know i have like 250 billion dollars now but at the same time it's like now is not that i really should have gotten an accountant a few years ago probably because i owe the federal government now 915 billion dollars i yeah um i hear the other guys aren't paying taxes so i wasn't paying mine but turns out you have to like hire people to not pay your taxes and it's like okay and so

you know i tried to do like a 1099 thing and it's uh it's this whole whole thing my uh so like i was talking to my mom the other day and like the gym that's by my house is the one that uh like joe rogan goes to train there every now and then with some regularity and and she was like uh oh well if you train there you can tell them about your podcast maybe you know my mom's understanding of like, I guess like how I've mentioned it before. Like, you know, like I get a show and it makes some money and she's like, are you going to be like on the, in the movie soon? You know, just like the, the perception of like how far removed I am from everything, even in terms of like podcasting is like, you know, and I'm like, mom, I'm not going to like do jujitsu with Joe Rogan, who's really good. And while he's choking me out, be like, Hey, can you listen to my show?

It's Hey, would you mind having me on? I know that I would not do you any favors like at all. But I really want to plug my show on your show, a show that you just sold for a hundred and million dollars. I think maybe we could do each other some good business, you like it's just like there's like no yeah also just like the networking of of anything like i'm i'm nobody in terms of like uh approachability yeah you think like same you know like no i mean like if somebody came up to me right they have every right to just be you know be annoying or whatever yeah like be annoying or whatever like it's what am i gonna do yeah if somebody came up to me who was an authority in zero ways on zero things and was like

yeah dude like can you like check out my you know you got a show like i would i would just i don't think i dissociate commonly i think my brain would go to a different place so i think i would just no longer i would be so uncomfortable that i would be in a different world all together i would just just no oh no no no no oh no no no no no oh god in my in my head like my i'm levitating in my head i'm just like running on a beach with glowing a sickly green you're just like yeah yeah like i don't like i don't that's like a like a daydream you would have like before you get lethally injected

you're like man if i had just made some different moves i could be sparring with joe rogan and i could tell him about my 300 subscriber podcast and he would say do you want five billion dollars and then megan fox would drop out of the sky and land on my head and suck me off like it's just like i got just an insane like delusion that is not grounded in reality whatsoever. Yeah. The key to show business, and I think I'm qualified to say this, is everyone is ashamed of what they're doing. And if you're proud of it, if you're proud of whatever your project is, it sucks. Yeah. It absolutely is terrible.

The monetary number to where you're allowed to be proud is $100 million. Anything short of that, it's just something that you accidentally fell into. It's just right place, right time. You do not deserve it. But $100 million, yeah, you can say that you're, yeah, you know what? I worked hard. I really put the hours in. I went beep, boop, beep, boop, pee, pee, into a microphone.

It sucks that Dave Portney is rich enough now to where it's just like you can't – you can't really own him or anything anymore. It's just he won. Dude, here's the thing. You're right. you're right but like i part of something i do genuinely love about that is is that i you get to watch that guy have a midlife crisis like live like it just unfolding like he hangs out with tiktok stars and like lifts weights with them shirtless in the backyard and he has them on their show and he's like so i can't believe like you're telling me that uh tanner mckinley's fucking tina and they're like yeah and he's like bro dude out of this

fucking world because tina isn't she dating scott yeah man oh no she's bro dude she's gonna get in trouble isn't she just gonna box sponsorship yeah bro she did but like she's going to get in trouble. Isn't she just going to get a Reebok sponsorship? Yeah, bro, she did. But, like, she's, like, super hooked on pills right now, too. What? No. Barstool alert. And then, like, all the videos he posts is, like, you know, getting it in with the boys or whatever. And he's hanging out with a bunch of, like, 19-year-old twinks from L.A.

They're listening to, like, you know, um, like spot them, got them and doing like, like poor form deadlifts. And, uh, like, you know,

they're all wearing like chubby shorts, which I guess is like a, like, it's probably like a sponsor video or whatever. But anyway, the point I'm making is like, this guy used to just be like a sports guy who did pizza reviews. And then like,

you know, he turns 42 and he's like, you know what I need to do to like enter this market of youth? Is I need to border on being like a pedophile. Like I really need to get involved in the lives of 17, 18, 19 year old kids who like two weeks ago were just like making funny videos. And now they're worth like $3 million. It's been like a sight to see. Like it's been, I really enjoy it. It's awesome. I hope that I get, I hope I get to be that rich one. Yeah.

That's my plan for the next couple of weeks. weeks um i'm just gonna you know get kind of like that that being skinny fat at like five foot five is so impressive dude he's like 5'10 man he is not he is that's what i think is so funny about the tiptoe photos he's like 5'9 5'10 he does that because he hangs out with these like professional athletes who are six four but he's a man is not built like a five ten dude he's maybe he is he's not even short bro that's what i thought was so funny about the tiptoe thing he does because it's like dude you're not even short like i could understand if you're like five six hanging out with like linebackers and fucking point guards but he's like five ten so the tiptoe thing is way funnier because it's

clearly just a neurosis like he has. Like, it is a fucking problem, like, in his own mind. But yeah, he's like a normal guy's height. He claims to be 6'2". I don't... No. I'm pretty sure... Yeah, it says 5'10".

But yeah, anyway, I don't give a fuck about this guy's height. He's saying he's 5'10 1⁄2". Yeah. Take that on its head. Even if he's 6'2", if he's 6'2", the tiptoe thing is... When did he tell people that he was 6'2", 179? First of all, that's an absurd number second of all if you are six two and you're standing on your tippy toes it's way funnier like if you're a i'll believe i'll believe that he weighs 180 yeah or that he

did when he was chubbier even yeah but that six six two come on brother you're pushing it there he's here i'm looking at this picture of him standing next to dixie damelio i don't know i i guess she's one of the tiktok something like that girls they're the exact same height uh this is not a tall woman i'm looking at this picture of him standing next to a 6'2 guy and he's like up to his chin so he's probably yeah like 5'10 5'9 but like again like regardless like here's the thing i don't that made the tiptoe thing was so funny to me is, is that, do you think that people, when they take photos of you,

they're cropping your feet out? Like, like, like I saw some people were threading them. There was a whole thread of him hanging out with celebrities and athletes. And he was like, not a little bit, dude,

he was on his tippy toes and kind of like making his shoulders like doing like the casey freight like he makes his shoulders like kind of bigger and i'm like man dude you gotta be so fucking mentally ill like do you are you like how delusional are you and it makes the whole thing more funnier that he like hangs out with these teenagers you know he's like the cool older guy at the party he's like yeah you guys you guys fuck oh he does this every single picture yeah here he's hanging out with two women and they're so he looks the same height as them but he's now to be fair he's standing a little bit further back in the picture and on his tiptoes man this is okay so in this one i'm seeing

he's he's in a picture with gronk right yeah gronk's like six six yeah now gronk's leaning over to the side but even with him bent over a little bit he's hitting like mid-ear on Gronk. So I could see 5'10". I just, man. Now, I just found a really interesting picture of Dave Portney. I'll go ahead and text it to you. Okay. I think you're going to enjoy this one. It's a really interesting photo that I guess he took.

He looks good. He looks good he looks he might describe in that he might describe that for me um yeah for the listeners at home uh dave dave portnoy is standing in what looks like a college dorm uh and he's on his tippy toes a little bit just maybe it looks like the front left foot and he's he's he's in his underwear which looks to be like a like a little boy's like like it's got like shapes yeah and he's he's taking a traditional phone in hand selfie but he's holding what looks to be like just his penis his soft penis uh which is he's also he's shirtless but not like yeah he sure doesn't doesn't have like a pump or anything it doesn't seem he's got like he's i don't know if he's maybe he's sucking his gut in a little bit

maybe i feel like he's i think he's flexing his abs yeah but he's got the thing that i have where like there's nothing for the lower abs yeah i have the same thing yeah so so that you can barely see the lines and then on his legs his knees are like bigger around than his quads yeah he and also it looks like he's like tearing his acl like the way what i think is funny is he's got the the chest hair thing that it looks like the batman symbol like that's how it grows yeah and then like i don't know if he shaves his belly or something yeah i don't know he's clearly in a woman's apartment but it doesn't look like a yeah there's potpourri there it just looks like uh like the type of apartment a girl would get

when she first moves out on her own and wants to pretend to be like an adult woman like i don't know if you understand what i'm describing yeah but like like just the wayfared like adult bedroom set but they're like 20 years i i don't know i this is just absurd um what a guy i i have so much after we've spent the last 10 minutes talking about this cocksucker uh you know what man i'm gonna go ahead and say if you want to have a televised midlife crisis and you want to hang out with teenagers like young teenagers and you want to ask them questions like oh hey does uh does carly dicambrio does she does she gobble on it like do you like you know oh it is uh does does does amy lee johnson does she she bounce on like a pogo stick

yeah bro that's sick like if you want to ask questions like that, respect. Because I wouldn't do something like that just because I'm a coward. But if you have $50 million and clearly just mental illness and delusions, you're not bound by laws of man or God. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Respect to Dave Portnoy. Shout out if you want to get us on the Barstool Podcast Network I think we should

create our own yeah I think that is maybe we could just do like bum fights and like drag racing and what else chicken fights maybe dog fights

uh stray cat fights like us fighting the animals raccoon fights snake fights uh midget fights old lady fights uh i think it would be funny to like do it but to like not build up the class lesbian fights that'd be some vicious ones it's like uh like not build up the clout right and start a network like right like today like right where we're at you know we're doing good but and everybody all of the people who want to start podcasts from Twitter or whatever, they just kick up their money to us like we're the mob bosses. How much are you bringing in?

What, $30 a month? $35? It's not bad. It's not bad. I'm going to need to see a little bit of that, though. Let's see $7. Let's see $7 on the Poop P Butts X podcast. On the Dookie cast.

Hey, kid, you're doing good. You're bringing in, let's check it out, $19 a month. Your initial setup costs were $28. So what we're going to do is I'm going to take 18. You can keep the one. But you get to stay on the Pandejo Time Network. Would we call it Pandejo Time Network? I feel like it would be called. It's like Motown Records.

Just get sued into oblivion. I mean, just. just get sued into oblivion yeah i like to think of myself as like the barry gordy of like communism you know it's the gayest thing you've ever said even ironically i hate that really yeah you actually really really because i just hurt my feelings really bad no, you did when we were testing the loft. You're testing the mics out. Spitting on it, rubbing it down, sliding, bouncing on it, rubbing on it, getting down on it. That was...

No, I didn't say that. It's from the internet. If you're testing a mic, it's like a different... It's like you didn't say it at all. It's like being an auctioneer. Yeah. Dude, I would love to be a fucking auctioneer, man. That shit would...

Dude, if we were auctioneers together... That would be so sick. I would quit this whole gig to go make $2 a day as an auctioneer. Gonna get one time, gonna get two time, gonna get one time, gonna get one time. I get one time I heard 75 and I heard 75 I'm going again going again like I would just go real slow and I guess five going on uh five and a half five no no five going down to four four and one and it's just bored the fuck out at the rodeo. 22 on the three-piece. Sold to the man in white. No takers.

Back on sale. And it's five. Coming up in two and a half, three and four, and a one, two, three. Any taker. No takers. And it's five and a half. Five down, six to go. 17%. Six months, no APR.

And we're going on back on November 5th, 1979. I watched a man die on Farmer Market Road, 925. Any takers? No takers. No takers and the body is on a little pass over there right past

and I'm and I'm and I'm gay and I like but no I'm not but I'm actually anyway I'm actually straight

but I I've got my going going to to the bottom of the mountain man I'm gay and I'm the audience like their ears perk up and we're going and it's old to the man of the mountain, man. I'm gay. I've never done that. The audience, like, their ears perk up.

And we're going. And it's old to the man in black. I like to have orgies with men. I go to the district. I'm just kidding. I didn't mean to say nothing like that. But what we got here today is a nice Italian leather saddle. I like to wear this saddle and get fucked.

No, I do not. That's not what happens to to me you did not hear anything like that but i what we're sold to the man in black and now we got a new set of spurs i enjoy being turned the fuck out but just kidding no i do not i got a wife kids they're here in the audience going once going twice sold my wife left me because i thoroughly enjoy getting sucked on by men no i do not that is not something that is actually true and real. I just wanted to just to get this sold to you. Sold to you, sir.

Well, well, this ain't our first rodeo and it won't be the last, folks. I enjoyed this. Yeah, if you like this one, the last six minutes of it that were worth a fuck. If you like this crap, you should check it out. Hey, I'm doing it this time. Okay, go for it. How about you let me do it one time? Yeah, you got it.

How about you get up on your most reliable horse and head on over to patreon.com slash pendejotome.com. Well, you don't have to do the last.com and if you do it twice it's going to be the wrong website I think so the link to that again I'll spell it out for you it's

http colon ss double slash P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot C-O-M slash P-E-N-D E-J-O T-I-M-E

and that's with a double squiggly. Y'all see y'all y'all I'll see y'all back at the saloon take care Bill Clinton

is that you alright bye