Pendejo Time - Beloved Figures of Texas

Episode Date: March 25, 2021

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hello yeah yeah what's up hello yeah you called me yeah ringed it this little gag just a little we got a soundboard we like we have fun yeah a couple of fucking little rascals i uh i want yeah but i want to get one of those needle roller things that basically has rogaine on it but it feels like i should have done that at 21 and not 27. I feel like at 21 you still have hope. Yeah, that's fair. Like maybe 24 would have been better. Yeah, like for me right now, my cheeks aren't all the way in.

But it's like – No, I can't – Then I remember I'm like, oh, wait. I want to let everyone know I'm not going bald. I can't grow facial hair. That's the purpose of this conversation. I have a full head of hair, not bald. You all have probably seen it.

Yeah, he's not even that bald. Yeah, no. So I want to – but like I said, I'm like pushing dirty here and I'm like, man, you know what? I'll just be like no beard guy. Maybe it will come back around that it'll be popular or whatever. Like the look, you know? When I don't shave, dude,

I look 10. I mean, you see guys without beards. There's not really a facial hair craze right now of any kind. Around 2012, there was a goatee craze. I don't know if you remember. Goatee? Yeah. 2012 was like a goatee craze. I don't know if you remember. Goatee? Yeah.

2012 was like a, maybe where you're, maybe up there in fucking, that was like bearded bacon era. That was like the big stupid fuck off pirate beard era. No, there was, this was like a few, maybe a six month period. I do not. Within North Texas where every dad got a goatee at the same time it wasn't like the kind where it's like there's a mustache and then like a little bit shaved and then a beard it was like you grow a beard and you shave off this half and this yeah the go back to your country goatee yeah classic yeah yeah it was racist god it wasn't the the guy who has a who like knows fencing or

whatever yeah a little pencil the guy that's really good at taekwondo like 5-8 guy like yeah rail thing yeah no not one of those yeah trump the trump replier uh yeah his warrant yeah my dad had one of those for yeah yeah i t-ball coach like you know my dad had one for a long time but anyway i want to i want to want to grow one but i think i'm just gonna let her go you know just accept my fate i won't ever go bald pretty cool with that but yeah it would suck if i did go bald and i would just look like a hairless like newt yeah because i don't have any eyebrows either i'm fine with it if i start going bald i'm gonna i'm gonna jesse venturi you know just keep a ponytail dude no matter how far back such a sick look yeah it is such a sick look it's like like i don't he was not like he was like i mean he was a wrestler and

he did get hurt and injured but like that look screams like hard dude to me like the steven seagal like just a guy that can fuck just beat the dog shit out of you old though young guy would that look like it pedophile but like past 65 like it has to look like you've had the ponytail going for 50 years straight. Yeah, yeah. It's not... Yeah, you can't... Yeah, exactly. You just haven't done anything else besides the pony.

Yeah, you've had it... You literally have had it at that length forever. Yeah. And as it thins, you're like, well... I mean, I'm not... I'm not going to do anything about it. Yeah. Yes.

Do you watch the Joe Rogan podcast like ever? No, no, not really. I've watched a few clips of it. Joe, I know you're listening. I'll check it out when I get a chance, man. You know, I've been busy. I've been on the road, mostly in Fort Worth, Dallas area. But I've been on the road. Road dog. Whenever I

get back home from road you know I'm hitting you up and you're going to be able to come on say a few words. Say your favorite birds all that. Did you sit in on that open mic? What? Did you sit in on that open mic?

You told me about. There's an that open mic you told me about there's an open mic you told me no no I haven't yet oh man dude I'm so tired no I was

I am gonna do that maybe next week. This week I have no free time, but that's okay. You know, when you're in the business, guys like us, show business. You know, you got to move some chips around. 70, 80-hour weeks, man. Yeah. I ask because I like – they're like – they they've been so i didn't know this they've

been open again in austin last time i did stand up was in november and i was like ah i'll go or whatever but there are two types of like shows now from my understanding there's like it's like ran by comics they're like comedy is truth to power we got to keep it going because it's powerful and without comedy there's no hope and then there's people who are like we're gonna be really safe about it and there's gonna be five people in the whole room and never and it's like both of these groups suck i just want to do like five minutes about like like jacking off and like you know like dry like hit like curb checking and like hitting park cars i want to go home i don't want it to be any sort of like politically like motivated or aligned thing i just want to go do five minutes go home yeah i don't want it like but everything that i

see on facebook about it is like there's some angle to it and i like don't why like yeah why no i uh i think it'd be cool to become well known in the comedy circuit just for attending a lot of open mics and never doing a set just just befriending all the comedians and never actually everyone sort of forgets you ever do you never did comedy in the first place you know there was a guy like that at this comedy club in austin and he was like beloved because he would like sit first row at all the mics all the mics and like some of the show like the bigger shows but usually just the mics uh on thursdays and he would just fucking go absolutely ape shit at every punchline like every pun like everything it didn't matter the genre it could be like guys up there doing like anti like what shit crossroad like like that type of like dimitri martin shit or it could be guys up there that are just like abortion rape you know n word f word he'd be like yeah and uh everybody loved everybody like loved him because it's just like if you like if no one

else was laughing you could count on that guy he was like the fire department like if you were just bombing and you're like yeah i went to the store the other day and he'd be like, what? He's like, what are you? And he would sit there and drink like 10 fucking, like, I don't know what he, they were like Long Island, some cocktail. And these open mics, one of them would like, well, the one I'm thinking of specifically was like long, dude, like two hours, like 30 comp. It was just, and he would be at the end of it bombed and it wouldn't even be like, yeah, it wouldn't even be like a premise or like a punchline. It would just be like, got a dog the other day. No, you did not. Like, he wouldn't heckle you.

He'd be like, man, daughter, you know, he's turning 13 and he's bringing boys home. Whoa, bro. Just like, no. Let the guy fucking work it out. But still, he was like a beloved character because it's like,

you know, just a guy that never once went up but just loved to hang out. Loved to fucking, loved to rock with it. Yeah. once went up but just loved to hang out loved to fucking love to rock with it yeah I don't I like to think of myself as a beloved figure

of what of what fucking in what context I don't need one is there something you like did or like do What context? I don't need one. Is there something you did or do? No. People would say, man, that guy,

he's got a real beloved figure. Oh, yeah. Imagine how quickly you would get maced and like, like kicked in the dick if you were like, you know, COVID reopens, you're fucking, you put on your best cologne, your best getting fucked shirt, getting laid pussy shirt, your best jeans, best boots to go out to the bar.

And like, first go, you see you just like in the middle, like, like you get right up on her right in her fucking ear and you're all sweating you're like you got a really beloved figure it's like excuse me yeah you know like beloved figures like mahatma gandhi and mother theresa you got a really beloved figure it's not even like like an old saying or something to where it could be like a joke no you're just getting it wrong it's just fucking it up beyond repair

it's just something that no one would be okay with yeah no not even like weird like I'm trying to think of a type of there's just something wrong about it yeah I'm trying to think of a type of... There's just something wrong about it. I'm trying to think of a type of high school theater

steampunk woman that would like to be spoken to in that way. I don't know what that means. I'm thinking of one or two people that I like. That I'm best friends with. We make steampunk goggles together. I'm trying to think of one

girl from a high school party I'm trying to think of one girl from a high school party I've been to recently laughing oh my god thinking of one middle school dance laughing oh man there was I'm not going to walk that way

it's where we keep it laughing laughing anyway I don't know Nah, it's where we keep it. Yeah. No, like, anyway, like, I don't know. There's no, that's not even like a Victorian, like, oh, doth, you know, like, I don't know. Some women are into that shit, I imagine.

Maybe, I don't fucking know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even care. At this point. Who cares what they hear? I stopped caring about things like that.

I was listening to a podcast on Apple and Someone else's? Yeah. And after the episode ended

it went to the Blessed Anyone and I hadn't really listened to it outside of trying to fix it and it for some i guess i was like scanning it on my phone like as it uploaded like anyway it like clipped to like the 28 minute mark where you were like i'm not gonna do old shit but like you just it just it was clear that you were like so barely alive like it not in a bad way it was very funny

we were like yeah whatever dude kubo like fucking dude like yeah we were at the house i got a dog clipper but he does barks wolf like you just like like it wasn't you were dialing it in but it was just hot dude you were just like you're like completely on autopilot like just fucking half asleep it was so good i was like god damn why do people listen to this and i'm laughing so it can't be that yeah i i didn't remember like whenever you released an episode the next day i was like did we record in advance or something yeah and then i was like um oh no i did that one in like my sleep yeah it's that thursday we did it yeah i literally fell asleep like a minute after like i are we i remember we wrapped up and i was like dude honestly i'm gonna do all the work for this

like tomorrow or something but like i'm going to sleep right now yeah but yeah like I said I don't really listen to them besides trying to like match up the love and pause yeah cause you don't care about what you do it's not that big of a deal to you cause you're not the one putting your passion and pride and everything you have and love into this

dude shut the fuck up just fucking you know, I don't even understand. Dude, I literally I'm driving to a place east of me

in two weeks to murder and kill you. That would be really funny. Violently. Like, yeah, we're gonna make stuff, maybe might just you know look at a fuck dude you're gonna get slapped around like a rag doll open the door you just kick me in the chest for all everybody uh thomas and i are gonna try and fulfill at least one of the promises that we made on the Patreon. Yeah.

Which you should subscribe to, by the way. Because this is a freebie. No, this is a free one? Yeah, this is a free one. No, I'm not saying anything funny. Yeah, you're a fucking guy. You guys are getting the weak sauce today. Yeah, yeah.

Sick and tired of you fucking freeloaders. You're on boxers right now. What? Nothing But yeah We got We're hanging out for Easter For those who celebrate Easter

You got I was thinking about Buying a Lacoste polo For this Easter But also at the same time I don't own like A pair of shorts that doesn't have a grass stain on it. I got a pair of pretty short shorts and a couple of fratty shirts. We should just go to brunch.

Yeah, we should go to La Madeline for Easter. Yeah, yeah. This is our Easter brunch. Oh, are you guys like brothers or something? No. No. We're, uh... Actually, really,

I don't even... None of us got like 45 minutes to eat in person. Yeah. We met on, uh... What's it called? You know the names

of all the gay apps. Can you list them off in order alphabetically? Uh... I know there's Grindr and then there's... You were listing them earlier before we started all of them. No, I wasn't.

I'm trying to think of if there's... There's probably others. Yeah, I don't actually know of any others. I was going to try and... It's fine. You could have just made something up, you know. Floofer. Floofer.

That'd be actually... Maybe Dandy. Dandy would be... That's not like... I feel like that's not a universal gay guy. That's like a... Very like a 1968 type, a 19, like 68 type, like,

you know. Yeah. It's maybe scruff. That sounds like a scruff. Yeah. That's all. These also could be bar names. Yeah.

Like, yeah. Uh, the Thomas challenge for this week is send Thomas 20 of your favorite gay bars I'm gonna look up I'm okay with this being on my

What are you looking up? I'm looking up the apps Thomas is looking up all the gay apps Yeah, the dating ones Oh, dude You know how i jokingly said scruff no it's like one of the main ones apparently that rocks is it spelled fucked up no just regular okay there's another one that's jacked without the e it's got an apostrophe Okay. This is on opramag.com.

Let me get to the list. I got to click on this one. This has got a gallery. Okay, it's got that one. That one. That's funny because Scruff is like the second biggest one. Chappy? No.

That's an awful one. Is this British? What is that geared? Yeah, is it geared towards like shavs? Like fucking oil? I don't know. Cigarette? Never mind.

It's from the same people who made Bumble. Chappy? It's called Chappy. I don't know. It's for gay guys? Yep. Good. It's got a lamb logo logo I don't like the logo

look it up dude dude if I do that my computer will explode dude look it up on my phone look it up in the app store download it yeah

there's another one called Hornet which is not a very not a very good name Chappie the space for gay connection Chappie, the space for gay connection. Chappie is Bumble's gay dating app.

Find just the right match regardless of what you're looking for, whether it's something casual or more long-term. If you're a guy named Thomas, this is the perfect app for you. Oh, then I'll probably get it then. This is for a perfect app. Let's see. There's one called Her, and it's for... Oh, wait, wait.

Uh-oh, something bad happened. Gay dating app is shutting down later this month, Chappie. Pink news. What did they... Great. Single twinks up and down the UK gathered to mourn the loss of queer dating app Chappie after it was announced it was being shut down. It says Hinge also, but Hinge is just a regular... Oh, no, it just joined Bumble. I was hoping there was some tragic backstory, like there was a trafficking thing going on or something.

It says Instagram. That's not one of them. Oprah, you're lying. Sinstagram? No, just Instagram. No, it's not a sin. It's beautiful. Beloved.

Yeah, no. Every time I open Google Chrome, it asks me if I want to bring back all my tabs. Because the way I close everything out on my computer is I hit the power switch. Nice. And then everything gets, all my updates and everything get destroyed It's probably good Yeah, it's fine I built the machine so I get to program

Oh, I'm gonna You were asking me about the Hudson River Yeah, yeah So you were reading about it Thinking about like Living there or something So I'm on I made a Wikipedia page for it. Isn't there already one?

I made one for it. The Hudson River is a 315-mile river that flows from north to south primarily through eastern New York and the United States. Did you know that? No. Me neither. The river originates in the Adirondack Mountains of upstate New York, flows southward

on maps that's going to be You got this? Yeah. Southward through the Hudson Valley to the upper New York Bay between New York City and Jersey City. Wow. That's incredible, man. And if you're wondering about flora and fauna on here, it has plankton. Okay.

It has invertebrates. Like what? Well, I'm glad you asked, because the benthic zone has species capable of living in soft-bottomed habitats. Okay. So, like, habitats where you lived?

Because you're soft-bottomed? No, not necessarily. Within freshwater regions, there are animal species including larvae of chironomid flies, oliguchate worms, predatory fly larvae, and amphipods.

Nice. Isn't that something? That's something. They've got all kinds of stuff over here. What article did you pick to read? Because you remember I asked you before we recorded

I said, Jake, do you have your articles ready? And you said, oh sure. I definitely didn't blow this off. Yeah, Yeah. I definitely like did what you asked me to do. Cause I'll listen to what you say. Cause you're the business money guy. Yeah. Cause I know what I'm doing. I know how to run a business and you know, not to, not to be constrictive, but you're more of a big picture guy. You're the big picture guy, Jake. You,

you like making people happy. And me, I like making money. Yeah. And we, together, we put that together, we can make the money happy. The one I picked was the one about Vlad the Impaler. The guy, that Dracula was inspired by.

Yeah, I grew up with that guy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Dracula read the article about Vlad the Impaler and said, I want to be that guy. Mm-hmm. When I grew up. Wait, you grew up with Dracula or you grew up with Vladivostok? I never knew.

Dracula was after my time. Mm-hmm. He graduated a couple years after me. I didn't know him. He went to... Didn't he wrestle at your high school? Yeah, he went to Peaster. Peaster?

Yeah. The fuck's a Peaster? That's where I'm born and raised, baby. Okay. Someday you're going to come live come live I'm gonna buy you a house you're gonna come live with me here just like on your property

like in a shed yeah you had to be faster man honestly with the episodes instead of just waiting 10 minutes for zoom for you to just

live in my house you know your parents are like hey this uh this is a 27 year old man i met off the internet uh we make a little bit of money um it's easier if he just lives here yeah need to clarify like actually a little bit of money like like not enough for me no not enough to justify having it. No, no. It would need to be like $50,000 a year. Like each? Yeah, yeah.

We're bringing it on. Oh, man. Well, what would that be monthly? Oh, it's like 10. No, it would be like 20. Fuck, I don't even know math, dude. What, 20K a month? Yeah.

Is that what you're saying no dude like 10 each that would be like 20k a month is is like 120 for each of us a year yeah you said 100 grand each right no i said 50k each oh okay so that's only 10 grand am i doable you know doable you know we keep grinding we keep fucking making player not if i i'm gonna quit soon you keep saying that man yeah i need you to understand that i can't you can't because i really don't want to like have a job and i need and i need to do this so i can complain about it even though i we would probably only do it the same amount of time uh but yeah yeah like fuck dude you really i'm tired you know i don't but anyway it would be cool to like yeah like not you know yeah dude nobody cares like

you keep blabbering on about it it's like go feed the goldfish if they're hungry you know like go feed the goldfish if they're hungry you know did you finish that poem you said you were writing for me yeah yeah hold on let me read it for you okay uh let's see here hold on hold on I gotta find it. No, no, I'm just nervous, man. Like, you know, I told you, like, I didn't want, I wanted to do it on the paper. You're gonna make me cry in front of everybody. Yeah. Hold on. Just let me fucking pull it up.

Alright, here we go. This is to my best friend Thomas. Toot that thing up, mommy, make it roll. Once you pop, pop, lock it for me, girl, get low. If your mama gave it to you baby girl let it show once you pop lock drop it for me maybe we can roll oh pop lock and drop it pop lock and drop it pop lock and drop it pop lock and drop it pop lock and drop it pop lock and drop it tonight it's gone be some changes. No acting shady.

So stop acting and get it clapping. Because I'm knowing you feeling me. Yeah, you cute. But don't let that shit go to your head. Because that's what this bitch wants to do. Pimp in another will. You prepared. Rocking a skirt.

And your heels too. And we ain't with none of that chicken, but our bills so tall. I've been peeping you for a while and you throwing it back. If you looking for a baller, we got dough in the back. Look, your color caramel brown and your skin so smooth. I'm having fantasies about what you and me can do. And you an undercover freak. You probably thinking the same.

I'm seeing light up on your face because you peeping my chain. And I ain't trying to put you out there as if you a freak. So don't even take it that way. Just say you did it for me. And yeah, you probably roll with me because it's money in my pockets. So before then, I got to see you pop, lock, and drop it. To Thomas. Dude, that sucked.

That's the worst poem you've ever written for me. Yeah, I wrote you a bunch of other ones. I wrote you I was a ghostwriter for the Ghetto Boys. Yeah. Guys like that i remember uh that poem i wrote i i got it uh some rappers did it and uh they played it at the the junior high dance i i went to in junior high don't even fucking try to play these stupid games

you're playing earlier i was in junior high too don't be fucking you to play the stupid games you were playing earlier. I was in junior high too. Don't make fucking, you know, haha, you were there. What did you go back for? I said I was in school. Yeah, you were in school. How did you get past the security guards? God fucking damn it, man. All right, look. I was enrolled in the school because I was 14.

This was 2008. No, 2007. Okay? So I was enrolled in school. In 8th grade, alright? We had our 8th grade dance. And they played that and a bunch of other, like,

shake your ass music. Anyway, dude, I'm, like, the people who organized that playlist and allowed, like, everyone to dance to that, like, need to be locked the fuck up, like, now. Like, I don't know about Statue of Limitations. Like, it was... Hindsight, like, profoundly, like...

There were chaperones and shit. Like, teachers standing aside. And, like, fucking, like, 13 and 14 year olds, like, fucking dancing to Pop Locker Drop and doing the fucking moves and shit. What were the moves like? First, you pop it. Mm-hmm. And then you, of course, lock it. Well, I saw that one coming.

Mm-hmm. And then you drop it. Well, yeah. So it's like a pop with the hip. I think you lock the hands up top, and then you, like, drop. Yeah. Balls and dick ground down on the hip. I think you lock the hands up, Todd, and then you drop your balls and dick down to the ground. Yeah, we used to...

Back in jungle school, we used to do the crinky dink. Do you guys ever do that? You want to tell me a little bit more about jungle school? I learned everything you know in jungle school. Where was jungle school at?

It was in the jungle. The Dallas jungle? Nope. What jungle? It's right in the middle. What's your favorite jungle? Mine's the Sahara. Yeah, I like...

I like the uh concrete jungle I like the big apple baby and I like to smell the sounds I love getting a fucking you like buying loose cigarettes I love getting fucking almost hit by taxis and smelling fucking human shit all god damn day

paying nine dollars for a hot dog and telling everybody how good it is to live here you wanna hear my New York impression yeah let's hear it motherfucker hit by taxis and smelling fucking human shit all goddamn day, paying $9 for a hot dog. I'm telling everybody how good it is to live here. You want to hear my New York impression? Yeah, let's hear it, motherfucker. You talking to me? Taxi driver. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Can I try it again? I messed that one up. Yeah, yeah, let's hear it again. I need to practice. You talking to me? I didn't get it right. Yeah, a little higher. A little higher on the voice.

You talking to me? All right, a little lower. You talking to me? That's it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm imagining Robert De Niro looking in the mirror. And just for that one line, it's my exact voice and not the voice he'd been doing that whole movie and it would have is you talking to me man scorsese's like giving him direction a little higher

you talking to me no lower now you talking to me okay like somewhere in between that you talking to me perfect there it is okay he's all he's you tell you you're talking to me? Perfect. There it is. Okay. You talking to me, man? You talking to me, dude? You. You talking? Somebody's talking at me. And it's you. Hey, are you talking to me?

And that's my beautiful view. See, I can freestyle like nobody's business. You sound like Mr. Rogers. Bruno Mars, I need you to email me pronto. Oh. You know, there... I think I should be a radio host. You kind of are one.

Yeah. I want to work for K104. What's that? Is that like a local one? It's like the Dallas rap station. Oh, okay. And then we got 97.9 The Beat. I think theirs is The Box, or did they change it to The Beat?

It was called The Box in Houston, 97.9 The Box. It's The Beat in Dallas. Yeah, it's the hip-hop station though, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. 97.9 The Beat. What do they play on there? It's like two Lil Baby songs and like that one Buss It song right now.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's quite an interesting challenge they made there with that song. That was a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Man. When I worked

the work truck that one of the other guys that I worked with had, his radio was fucked up. So he would just like leave it on 97.9 and this is when that uh the baby like the first baby like the big one came out i forget um uh pack in the mail it's not like that one dropped and that was playing like 10 times a day and sometimes i would have to use that truck because mine will break down and i would just like turn the thing off but if they were in the truck with me and i was taking to do something or like we were working together or whatever he would be like no you gotta leave

this on man and I'm like dude we're gonna work 13 hour days and I want to hear this 26 times it was that in that um Roddy Ritt I don't fucking know uh the box or whatever yeah that one those two not kidding yeah yeah yeah which I mean it beats cool but it's like when you when you work like 12 13 hours and you're and you're in the car with a guy who's rapping the lyrics wrong and it's about it yeah maybe a human it'll be three to four hours a day is that you're just like wow i hope i like die soon like really fucking soon yeah the baby was weird because like he started getting some buzz or whatever he He had that song, Babysitter. And it was like, oh, cool.

This guy's good. He's probably going to blow up and it's like, that's going to be a good thing. And then he was like, no, guys, I'm kind of out of ideas completely. And I'm just going to make one song a million times if that's okay. Which, to be fair, I've been in his position before yeah you were a massive selling platinum artist yeah what were your songs called your singles what were those called i had that one don't take a dollar to betsy that was so good who did the beat for that one metro uh that was um rick rubin back in the 80s Yeah got you

He was And then Don't Don't stop the bells when I'm playing Okay That was me and Marlo Jeffrey Did

Tali Quelli was on that one too? No, because you know how I feel about him and my friend I now know is Yassin Bey. I'm going to start calling him. How do you feel about them?

You know how I feel about them. I remember speaking of. I still laugh, right? I remember, speaking of DaBaby or whatever, like, his, so, like, right after he blew up, I think right after his freshman cypher, somebody was, like,

like, it was like this, it was like a Twitter thing where somebody was, like, like, oh, his, his murder charge was self-defense and, like, people in the replies were, like, calling him a pussy.

Like, he didn't really kill someone in cold blood, so, like, his cred was fucked up. And I remember reading some of the replies and thinking, like, he still took a man's life. Like, he shot a guy, like, a bunch of times, and the guy bled out and died. In Walmart. Yeah. Like, in a parking lot in broad daylight like they were like yeah no self-defense bodies don't count you got to kill like innocent men women and children to be like a hard dude and i was like i don't know man i mean at least not by

my metric like yeah i know you can honestly like knock a guy out and you get a little bit of cred yeah yeah like yeah i mean like not everybody is like schmurda gucci or whatever like that's good like that's i love those guys i love both of them but like yeah i mean they come on the pod all the time yeah yeah i would do i would love it would never happen in a million fucking years but if just pulling the strings of getting gucci man on the podcast dude that would so sick. He would call us broke and everything. Yeah. And we'd feel terrible after that.

Yeah, it would be awful. And I'll say he'd only do it for like $2 million. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, 100%. Yeah. Maybe we could get like Jack Harlow. No, dude. There was this old story.

no dude there was this old story um apparently whenever uh French Montana was first coming up

with uh Max B and those guys uh Gucci Mane just happened to be like around in the same studio

he was recording in or whatever mhm and he paid Gucci Mane five thousand dollars for a feature and Gucci Mane just like snuck out

he just like took the money and then waited until they weren't looking and just left that fucking rules dude that is so badass i love that yeah i i remember i did i i think i watched this video not kidding at least once a month where he's in the studio and like he's so chopped up. He is so fucked up and he's got like the $500,000 Bart Simpson chain. He's like, you want to hit it, Bart? He's putting the blunt up to Bart's mouth and he's like, that boy smoked. Like he's smoking. He's smoking on it.

Like the camera pans over to like I guess his hype crew and his producers and they are clearly like absolutely finished with him like they like i don't know if it was supposed to be a recording day but he was like so off the fucking goof that he like he's like he bought smoky he'd be smoking on it and like it like pans over to his buddy and he's doing like the hand on the bridge of the nose like pinching the bridge like just kind of like fuck it probably been there 22 hours he's had two pints of lean like a pound of weed and a kilo like i've just like just absolutely fucking buffed this is the same actually the same video where he's talking to some guy with the camera and he's like a man can get lost in the sauce, but a man without sauce is lost. Like, one of the most profound insights I think I've heard.

And he, like, literally was, like, had one eye open when he said it. I was like, that's nice. I like that. Yeah. I love him. We grew up together, and he's... It's funny though there's weird uh like how his music shifted after he like like he became like a pop star yeah like i mean that's fine it's whatever but just like a completely different i mean i guess you have to be on like

a certain amount of sedatives to be that person well be on like a certain amount of sedatives to be that person well there's like a huge difference of course between like East Atlanta Santa and his verse on like Black Beetle you know like they're obviously like which I think like I mean I guess like it's cool like I've loved like like Trap House 3 is probably

one of my top 5 like rap albums yeah yeah and it's just incredible even like the Rick Ross verse on that it's like it was it was so good there was nothing wrong with it and then like if he gets out of jail i guess he's not doing drugs anymore like at least that's the story so it's like you know like it's it's like doing trap house three shit probably wouldn't make sense maybe i don't know you know i mean i don't know he made a ton of money when he came out, so respect to the fucking king. Yeah, I've had this blister on my toe for like three weeks. It's like half my toe.

Just from work boots? I don't know. It's my toe. I know. No, I thought I convinced myself I was getting diabetes because my toe was numb. And then I took a closer look in the part of my toe that was numb, which is a blister. Is that what diabetes is? Not necessarily. But whenever you don't take care of it, your body starts rot rotting basically eventually like you're

that's cool because sometimes that happens to me but i just have bad circulation in my feet no yeah no i mean that still happens to me but it's not like yeah like there's uh i was about to say i just had a bunch of blood work done man and now i'm thinking like maybe i'm gonna die soon uh yeah that's just like my natural response to a bunch of stuff no i it's not like i don't know you get diabetes and then your legs fall off it's like if diabetes isn't treated there's a bunch of stuff that can go wrong yeah no i don't think i mean it would be weird if i was because i like you know i just have i just went to the doctor like recently they were Yeah. To get your pap smear? No, yeah. Well, I wanted to get you the pamphlet for yours.

I didn't go to get mine, though. I go to get my... Really? You think I couldn't go to my own doctor to get a pamphlet? No, because you're a little baby and you cry when you go to the doctor. No. So if I go, I go to get weighed and I get my shots, then... No.

We talked about this. You're a little baby and you need me to go to the doctor. Yeah, I need you to wrap me up in a blanket. Put me in a car seat. I'm trying to imagine how big a car seat for, like, you, or, like, I would love to get an adult-sized one. Yeah. Just, like...

What for? You probably need it for weird stuff. I mean, just, you know, just a visual gag. I realize I kind of walked into that one. For me, it was, you know. You kind of crawled into it. Yeah. Fuck you.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, we love to have fun on Potato Time, folks. We mess around. Yeah. You know, hopefully Thomas and I might do an Easter egg hunt. Yeah, who cares? Who gives a fuck? Dude, people hate us.

Yeah, again, you know, I really don't know. I don't understand why. Yeah, they look at us and they see the two most successful men they've ever... The two most beloved figures in podcasting history. Two of the... We've belo... I've beloved my fair share

of figures how was that one how was that you were I'm gonna hey after we're done I'm gonna go beloved my figure

after we finish broadcasting oh my god yeah anyway we're super professional and we're like

you know yeah like it's a fun thing, rock and roll. Yeah. Dude, I've been smoking this Delta H shit, man, and I'm like 90% sure it's just K2. Where'd you get it? Gas station.

Well, then it's safe. They sell band-aids there, dude. Yeah, I guess you're right. You think they're going to sell you stuff that messes you up and makes you go wonky? No. Yeah. Yeah, no, dude, you're right, man. I don't want to be so paranoid.

You're right, man. Dude, you're being weird about it. It's like people will talk to me now, and they're like, Jake says the gas station, K2, he can't handle it anymore. He's too weak for it. I'm like, dude, get a grip. You know? Because me, sometimes I'll just, I'll smoke like root beer.

How do you smoke root beer? It's like a gravity bomb type thing, but there's nothing in it. You just light the root beer. You just drink the root beer. Yeah, you drink another two. Yeah. Yeah. type thing but there's nothing in it you just light the root beer you just drink the root beer that's yeah you drink another two yeah yeah

it's like the gravity thing but you don't have to cut anything it's just a long bottle and you just drink out of it important question you a Barks or A&W guy? A&W

man fuck this podcast is over dude yeah it's fine Barks just has the bite dude I'll tell you what I am I'm an IBC guy.

Idiot, bastard, cocksucker. Yeah. But I don't do it. Like, I don't often go out of my way

to get the glass IBC bottles. But on my birthday, I'll always get them. Yeah, no, I don't, you don't, like, usually the big two you see at, like, restaurants, like, I used to,

I don't like it anymore I don't drink river anymore but it was like I really liked it oh yeah you're sober now I forgot yeah yeah I had to clean up

uh but uh yeah the the CC's by my high school we would go you're not allowed there anymore are you

no something weird happened I was too sexy to be in there and everyone got distracted from making this i thought you said something like you ate all the pizzas oh okay i thought you were gonna say like i thought you're just gonna continue on this like like casually accusing me of like no you you hate junior highs and like things like that no you ate all the coins in the game section no but, but yeah, you're saying. Yeah, anyway, man, we'll go and like

when you're like, I don't know, when you're like 14 or 15, like you're not thinking, I mean, at least me, I wasn't. I wasn't thinking. I was thinking all the time about equations. I'm sure you were like, you know, how many guys you sleep with at night. That's not even an equation. It's just a regular number and it's still. Multiply with at night. That's not even an equation. That is. It's just a regular number, and it's still.

You multiply it by seven days a week. It's one, and it's me. Okay. Yeah, it's what you like to say to yourself, because you're ashamed of who you are. Yeah. That's why you're Googling all the gay sex apps. Who else do I tell it to? Me, because I'm your friend.

Really? You've told me before. Well, I've told you a lot of things. A lot of lies. well i've told you a lot of things a lot of lies i don't uh yeah whatever i don't know what the fuck i'm saying who gives a shit you said there's a cc's oh yeah oh it's just like uh like not being aware like hanging out with your friends and you're like you know bullshitting maybe you smoke weed or whatever and you're fucking bullshitting and like you're there for three hours and like you don't realize

at least i never did until i got home and was like incredibly sick that i i drank what it was probably not kidding like half a gallon to a gallon of dr pepper or root beer and i had something like 25 to 30 slices of pizza because you know you're fucking stoned and you're there and you're bullshitting and you're like yes normal it's normal to have like 28,000 calories of food. Like, who gives a fuck? And then it's like I'd get home and be like, man, why do I feel like shit? And I realized like I was just drinking like one of the 16-ounce glasses and then like going back and like over and over and over again. Probably why I was really, you know, like super fit as a kid.

Probably why I was really, you know, like super fit as a kid. I remember whenever I worked at CC's in high school because they switched from those plastic cups to just paper cups. Yeah. I don't know if you remember. Well, it happened, but I assumed it was because I used to take them all the time accidentally, sometimes on purpose. Yeah, well, that and then also it's way easier to just throw them away rather than because there's a lot of dishes to be washed at CC's. I imagine so, yeah. And it sucked because I was one of the dishwashers.

But anyway, but yeah, I used to refill my cup so many times that my paper would start and the cup would start deteriorating. That's probably not good. But I feel like fast food workers drink like so much more soda than Well dude like I know Or maybe just me. I mean when I worked in a restaurant when I worked at a BJ's

brew house they have like their own like house made like cream soda and I fucking love cream soda on tap like on a fucking keg tap and dude i would drink the fuck out of it and they had like home like lemonade like they made in-house it was good and like throughout a double shift i'd be like i'm thirsty and i would have like maybe one glass of water throughout the day but then like 10 glasses of that and i wouldn't even think about it because it was so good and then like you know like the seven or eight months i worked there i like and other contributing

factors i ballooned up to like fat fuck idiot mode i was like how did that how could this happen i've been so healthy it's like i'm drinking like like three liters of lemonade and cream soda a day i might be diabetic actually you might might be on something i hope you are because that's fucked up man no. No, I hope you... Just for attention and stuff, I can be like, my lifelong best friend has gotten the worst disease on Earth.

Type 2 diabetes. Yeah. That would be cool to have. I think I should try and get lung cancer when I'm like 24 that could be my thing well you know do you think it would be funny if a guy with diabetes like

was sitting on the bus on the subway and he like pulled that up hospital tube and tied it off around his arm and like you know really sold it like not at all it's like like shot his insulin up and then like when the police show up i guess probably to like kill him or beat him to death uh he's like just kidding man it's insulin would that be funny to you

that'd be silly the cops start laughing and kissing him on the forehead yeah they would definitely they would definitely be like oh you got Man, that was a really good one. You're not even going to go to jail. We're going to be really cool about this. Yeah. Dude, what's your favorite Texas State Trooper loadout? Mine is 5'8", bald guy

who tucks the shirt into the slacks and under the utility belt so the pooch belly hangs out. But he's got like uh he has the the all lats built too like clearly he lifts but he's got like the like the power lifters belly and uh he speaks in one volume like something just very like like that all the time that's mine uh second favorite one is like balding skinny lanky guy. But I think the most common one I see is 5'8", like benching 350 fat idiot guy. There's a particular one that's like – and they always have a cowboy hat.

But it's just the fattest you could possibly look at, like, 5, 10, and 190 pounds. Yeah, I know exactly who that is. Like, height and weight-wise should not even be an overweight person. But it is all, like, just soccer mom gut. And just a fat gut. Yeah. And, and just, and just a fat face and neck. And then just the arms of like, of like a,

you know, a skinnier guy. Yeah. I see what you're saying. Yeah. I'm killing it on that one. Folks, you may note that I am for the the last ten minutes or so, falling asleep.

And this is sort of my thing. It's something I like to do around this time of night, is just go to sleep. Yeah, Thomas is a little sleeping bug. Yeah. Whatever the fuck, you know. Yeah, a sleeping bug. Yeah. Whatever the fuck, you know. Yeah, a sleeping bug. God, you got me on that one.

Could you please tell me what a sleeping bug is? It's a guy who sleeps because he's... Man, you are such a sleeping bug. God. Idiot.

Yeah, man. I get you hit me around 1030, man. I turn into a real sleeping bug. Fuck. Oh, fuck. Like I said, dude. oh fuck oh you're fucking it's just all

like I said dude you know when someday you're gonna be putting your kids to bed you know there may be

five or six and you say 35 at 42 respectively yeah yeah oh it's time for you

to be a little sleeping bug and one of your daughters are going to turn around And punch you in the face For saying that Look man I don't care about like how What fantasies you like craft up in your fucking head

About my family but You're even Anyway You don't even have kids No I'm saying you don't have This is clarified for listeners Jake doesn't have kids It would be very funny if I had like four kids

Not just one would be like You know it happens I'm going to start a rumor That you can't have kids It's totally believable I mean it's like You don't have any it doesn't really matter yeah but i think it would be like why are you sharing that information like the rumors from last episode

where you're like yeah and you hear that bright pit can't have kids it's like yeah jake like you know i just just can't i don't even think people will be surprised it would be like, yeah, I mean, how do you know? Brad Pitt has like nine kids. Nine. All right, man. It's the eight. He has like two real ones, and the rest are like shipped in or whatever. I think if you have $100 million and you adopt a kid, that doesn't count as your actual kid. That's just something you have around the house.

Like a accoutrement to the house, yeah. Yeah, because it's not like, dude, if you're Brad Pitt, you're not taking care of your kids. No, I mean, I remember Angelina Jolie when she had like a... She's definitely one of those girls that's like...

does cocaine and is like, I want to adopt a kid from Africa. But most girls who do that can't afford it and don't have the means. But of course, they're going to let Angelina Jolie adopt one. I'm not saying she doesn't like the kid. Probably even loves it a little bit. But I always assume that she is like, yeah, I mean, I think it's really bad over there. So I want to like get a bunch of them.

Yeah, she gets a kid from like South Africa, like in the city. Yeah, like a well-off Dutch. It's like Elon Musk's cousin. Yeah. I think... Are you going to adopt? Are you going to bust off and lady a bunch? I'm not going to adopt.

You have to pay to do that. Yeah, I guess having a Mo Natural is pretty it's not free it actually costs a whole bunch no it's still really expensive but it's like why would I I say that like I have my game plan ready yeah no dude

me and my wife that I've invented for this we've decided not to adopt and that's that now I think I think I'm just gonna keep you know fingers crossed mm-hmm you should I really do anything to stop it but you know yeah when it happens it happens I say that like I'm really at risk right now my routine is that i i go to work and then i go home and i i either like get online for 30 minutes and go to sleep

or i do this or i work out i'm not really a man of action right now that's fine you know you don't need to be all the time yeah no sometimes you need to recharge yeah I don't know what from but what I want to do is maybe adopt a kid like five. I'll just go in, like somehow go in dead adopting like five kids and then have them do battle with each other,

but have them be from different parts of the world where like, you know, like per the movies, they have like good warrior genes or whatever. So like, you know like per the movies they have like good warrior genes or whatever so like you know um poland uh mexico uh china places like that whatever and have them do battle uh like to the death and train them or whatever and then like go super in debt to like hire like you know martial arts instructors to teach my kid. They will not go to school. They will not know how to read and just have them fight each other to see who's the strongest.

And then that kid that wins will get to kill me because of the trauma that I caused him or her, you know, could be. Well, I think that's going to about do it folks. Bye-bye. well I think that's gonna about do it folks bye bye just kidding

uh we're back um not goodbye we don't uh we don't like to end things off like

that here in Pendejo Town yeah we like to mix it up yeah we like to mix it up sometimes the wifi likes to go out.

Sometimes, you know, the house catches fire and, you know, sometimes everything fucking goes to shit. You know, you fuck. Fuck. Anyway. So how was your weekend, man? It was good. I'm having another one coming up pretty soon. Actually,

last weekend was pretty terrible because I had to... Because you have a bad attitude? Yeah, I have a bad attitude. I'm a bad boy. I like to wear leather jackets. Don't tell him out. He'd be put in the corner. Nobody puts baby in the corner.

Nobody puts chick in the corner. Yeah, dude. Nobody does it. What's that from? I think it's Ghost Or no Is it Ghost It's Patrick Swayze But

He's not a ghost He's a ghost In the movie Casper No he's not Yeah he plays the ghost He voices the ghost Patrick Swayze Will never be a ghost.

Well, first of all, he is one. So, just jot that down. No, he's not. And second of all, he's dead. So, he's a ghost in real life. Patrick Swayze is not dead. He's been dead for like nine million years, dude. He's fucking dead.

You're thinking of Wayne Gretzky. I'm thinking of Wayne Gretzky. I'm thinking of Wayne Gretzky. Yeah, because I always get them confused. Yeah. So you're confused. Patrick Swayze died in 1992.

Alive and well. Oh, you hang out with him? You talk to him? You hang out and you talk to Patrick Swayze When did this happen? When did what happen? What? I know this man I know this man like a brother He is Anyway What did he die from?

He died from Two Lowe's disease It's a rare disease of the lower abdomen. Well, I got some good news for you. Are you ready to hear it? What? What? If you liked this episode, then you can go to patreon.com slash pendejo time to become a subscriber of it. Oh, this guy smoked three packs a day

for 40 years well yeah of course he's gonna get cancer okay yeah he did karate

so he thought it would stop it but he couldn't roundhouse kick the tumors out of his own body yeah

just sad stuff like that you know anyway but yeah we gotta you can pay his own body. Yeah. Just sad stuff like that, you know. Anyway, but yeah, we gotta, you can pay for this if you'd like.

Mm-hmm, you can pay for the Primos. We're gonna try to get some video stuff rolling soon, maybe, probably, we'll see, you know,

who knows. Yeah, a little striptease action. Yeah, a little, yeah, a little fucking dual,

dual cranker. Yeah. I mean, whatever yeah I don't know only fans we have an only fans a Pandejo time only fans that we're gonna drop and Thomas

is gonna show you how to drive crime against humanity no I mean you don't have to do porn you can show how to drive a skid steer I would

and I can show people how to undo it and I'd have the chaps on and everything but you know I mean you don't have to

just people teach how to do woodwork on there. He's dead, dude. Patrick? Patrick Swayze. Yeah, dude. He died. I told you.

You alright? This is a rough day for me, man. Yeah, dude. He died. I told you. You alright? This is a rough day for me, man. Yeah, me too. Point Break is one of the best movies of all time. Did you really not know he was dead? I swear to God, I did not know this man was dead. Dude, I thought you were fucking with me this whole time. You did not know he was dead.

No, dude. Oh, my God. I've been doing this stupid, boring-ass bit trying to come up with fake diseases and you're sitting here telling me that you didn't know he was actually dead. I had him confused with... Because David Hasselhoff was in the SpongeBob movie.

Yeah. I was thinking it was Patrick Swayze. So... yeah I was thinking it was Patrick Swayze so the past three minutes or so we've been on this you thought I was like doing something retarded and you thought he was still alive I thought he was still alive dude he's been dead for like

ten years he's been dead for like 10 years he's been dead for like 12 years almost really was it 2008 it's 2009 but it's 2021 now yeah well man i'm sorry to ruin your night like that you should watch roadhouse it's a really good i've seen roadhouse it was a great movie and I guess I'll never tell Patrick Swayze I like that movie because he's dead you can go to his grave

and just shout it into the dirt he won't hear yeah he will he's a ghost dude I need some time to myself

well if you want to end the podcast and you want to like do some grieving I understand dude I want to be I just wish I could talk to him one more time and you want to do some grieving, I understand. Dude, I want to be...

I just wish I could talk to him one more time. One more time. Time to celebrate, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Gonna celebrate. No, that does suck, though, because I was going to have him in my movie

that I'm working on right now. In my screenplay. It's called Dragon and the Crazy Fire. Okay, look. I remember you telling me about this. I know you don't want to give away too much, but can you give the people just a little teaser at the end of the episode? It's kind of like Harry Potter

meets the craziest ninja movie you've seen in your whole life. Okay, so like ninja turtles or like so are there wizards and ninjas combined?

No, nothing stupid like that. It's all real life stuff. Oh, okay, okay. So like the history of real life ninjas and real life warlocks? No, it doesn't have anything to do with ninjas. You said it was about... Yeah, I said it was a cross between. Yeah.

A cross between Harry Potter's... It's just a cross between Harry Potter it's just a cross it's between them it doesn't involve Harry Potter but assuming okay I see what you're saying so it has nothing to do with wizards it's like

it's like Django Unchained meets inglorious bastards okay i think i'm getting like a better mental yeah so it's like but it's not like a tarantino movie at all got you got you who's doing the soundtrack for it um just me and my friends over fruity loops beats yeah we we got a guy coming in who knows how to play the bass guitar but we don't have anyone who knows how to play regular guitar so it's going to be a bass heavy soundtrack you should uh you should get me on the track, dude. I know how to play guitar. It's going to have some Jimi Hendrix influence

and also some Bob Marley influence to it. Yeah. I was thinking more like a cross between Nine Inch Nails and Van Halen would be good. As a director, I like to think of myself like

you know who Stanley Kubrick is? Have you heard of him? No, no. What movies has he done? Just name three of them. A Clockwork Orange. Mm-hmm. 2001.

Okay. One more. Planet of the Apes. Yeah. So, yeah, no, but thank you for telling me about him. Why did you bring him up? I'm like a cross between Stanley Kubrick and probably David Lynch. And then also David Hitchcock.

David Hitchcock. John. Never heard of David Hitchcock David Hitchcock John never heard of David Hitchcock Alfred Hitchcock that's who it is David Hitchcock yeah I'm kind of like I'm like the next Jim Cameron the again like that's been said in the halls of a film school in new york somewhere like a guy

has said that to a like a man has said that in earnest to another yeah i'm like kind of a cross between like stanley kubrick and david lynch you know to like some like disinterested like photography major from Columbia it's the worst type of guy yeah that's what you said I don't say stuff like that I don't think like that you said something like that to me actually yeah well because I was saying hey this is a funny thing

because you write all the ideas out and so it would be funny if I said this at one hour seven minutes and 45 seconds of the episode. I don't have my camera on, right? You like to – no, you don't. Oh, gosh. You like to play little fucking gesture games, dude. You're in the boys' house.

Yeah. Fucking do whatever. Fucking interrupt me when I talk. I'm trying to fucking be honest with you because we don't communicate enough. It's like, okay, so it's like let's just say I listen and I actually apply this stuff it's like okay now I've changed my behavior and what are you gonna do

you're gonna use that against me it's like oh now you're street lighting me dude we went to we went to podcast therapy yeah and I paid all the money for it and the

you remember your card bounced yeah okay well we got the session so I paid all the money for it. And you remember the first... Your card bounced. Okay, well, we got the session, so I paid for it. And you, you on the way home said, that was really helpful. And I said, yeah, because the guy said that you were like a little baby, and that Jake is right about everything,

and you should give him all the money. And then he said that I was really cool, and really strong, him all the money. And then he said that I was really cool and really strong and really funny. Yeah, he said you're really strong because he kept trying to move all his furniture onto one side of the room and then move it back to the other side to impress him. And he said, Jake, you're really strong, but you need to stop. Because Thomas, he's really thoughtful and caring. And he's a good guy and maybe you should listen to him and quit your brutish ways for once.

Well, you know, if anybody's a brute, it's you. No, it would probably be you if somebody was. Yeah, I'm a brute because I'm stronger than you. Yeah, no, that's fine. It's not about force. It's about fucking cunning, dude, and I'm cunning. Really, you're cunning? Yeah.

Yeah, I bet you are cunning. Let's see how. Really? You're cunning? Yeah. Yeah, but you're cunning. Let's see how you weasel that and do an insult. I'm sure you're really cunning. Come on. No, I'm saying you're cunning. Is that it? No, you're really cunning.

No, it's a compliment. I think you're really cunning. No, it's a compliment. I think you're really cunning. My camera's off. You're a cunning guy. I'm showing you my fucking balls, dude. I've got them right up on the webcam. Yeah, I can smell them. All right, folks. Before the internet goes out again, I can smell them. All right, folks.

Before the internet goes out again, I think... We got our new sponsor, Michelin Tires. Go check them out. Yeah, Michelin Tires slash Mendejo Time for $50 million off your next visit. Yes. Free set of tires. Bye-bye. It's great.