Pendejo Time - big apple thomas

Episode Date: September 29, 2022

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Fuck this shit. Yeah, fuck this. Fuck it, dude. Fuck this, dude. I'm too cool for this crap now. Bro, like, a lot of times, you know, people are like, oh, podcasting is cool, but the thing about podcasting is I'm too cool to do it. My time is much better spent looking at my phone or, uh, what the fuck?

I'm adjusting my webcam. I'm a professional, Jake. It's what I do. We do this constantly. It was on your penis there for like half a second. No, it's on a lamp. Oh, okay. All right.

That looks good. I like that one. Look pretty... You like this? Yeah, that's pretty intense, man. I actually don't know if I like that or not. Do you like it when I have it here? You look like one of those makeup

artist vloggers now where you're just way too clean you're like today's look inspired by filipino men filipino street walkers how are you fucking video you got a snapback on backwards you got the fucking lighting you're looking pretty as fuck today man you feeling good thank you i'm feeling all right man my spine is starting to decompress a little bit. That's awesome. I'm getting back closer to my normal height, and that's always good. That's awesome. You know?

Sometimes you just fucking push it. You know, you just fucking give everything you got to your day labor job, you know? Yeah. give everything you got to your day labor job, you know? Yeah. You kind of just give your best years to a guy... Who would own slaves if he could. Who would own slaves if he could, and if he could legally pay you less,

would absolutely do it. No, he could. I'm a fucking independent contractor. Yeah, that's true. Oh, this looks normal. Yeah, that's true. Oh, this looks normal. Yeah, that looks pretty good. It's not bad. Yeah, it's fine. I don't know why.

You look like an ASMR guy. I got a... This is like a streaming webcam, which is funny. It's pretty high quality, man. It's not bad. It was like, what, 160 or something like that? Damn, it's not bad at was like what 160 or something like that it's not bad at all yeah that's terrible my buddy got me one and i'd streamed like two games of skate three

and i was like you know what i'm not really built for this i got my feelings hurt too uh because i didn't put any i was living at that apartment in san marcos and i didn't put up any i lived there two years i didn't put up anything on the walls i didn't put up anything like posters or any paintings or any anything and i think it was hussy there was like hey man are you streaming from like a like a psych ward because all you could see from behind me was just white and then i was just in a black chair it's like no man this is my apartment that i've lived in for two years and people were like dude put something up there and i was like nah you know i'm just a simple guy and they're like it just looks like you're gaming from fucking Shutter Island.

A halfway house. Yeah. I was at the fucking gym yesterday. And they have the kids class when they do the strength and conditioning course. Dude, I'm so out of it right now. I'm tired as fuck. Anyway, and then they have the adults like the older adults class around the same yeah and uh the jujitsu class and i was watching this guy practice a hip toss on his like supremely

uninterested daughter who looked to be it would be fine like kind of like a dad daughter moment if she was like seven but this girl looked to be about 17 maybe 18 he was like you're gonna want to get under the hips right and she was wearing like blue jeans and she just was like playing on her phone he was like we're gonna go through this together and it was like i was saying i was just like people watching while i was there waiting for class to start and she was like okay that's that's fine he's like no you're not understanding he's also like it was he was like brand new to the thing that you could tell or whatever yeah and i was like i i really appreciate like wanting your kids to be into what you're into but there's also this aspect of it that's like i don't know if you

should be like like i'm gonna show my teenage daughter how to do a hip toss on like hard concrete because they were like in the hallway not on the soft mat but like like the hallway that led into the gym yeah it's like i feel like when you show your kids how to do things you have to either show them just the extent that you can like with a certain level of humility or just like wait till you're like an expert yeah no he was i mean i think the funniest part about it was that she was clearly like not into – like a kid that's not into sports. She was like an Invader Zim type. I could just – Yeah.

Yeah. And so I'm sure that this grown man, props to you, was trying to have a moment with a child that he probably fundamentally doesn't understand. Because he's – just from looking at him, I don't know. It could be. But he looked like to be like a man's man type. He's like, all right, hold on. So if I grab you by your, you know, your hentai hoodie and I take your cat ears off your not room, she wasn't wearing cat ears.

But it was I just like I had it. It felt like to me one of those moments. I've never seen this in a while, but like a guy who has four daughters and wanted a son so bad that it kind of he exudes that energy yeah i know what you mean like he just he he probably you know went oh for four and is just like all right one of these she's one of them's got to be a lesbian right like one of them has to be like into rugby or something like that and all of them are like either like yeah into like hot topic or they're like girly girl it's just i'm like i don't really know if i even want kids but i can imagine

that that would be particularly like if you're like a good old boy like that's probably particularly frustrating but i don't you know i wouldn't give a fuck because i'm not one of them but i feel like more frustrating than that is just having a son who isn't the same type of guy you are. Yeah, I mean, maybe. Because if you have the son, I feel like in your head, for those guys, it's like, I'm going to put him through baseball, but he's going to have me as his batting coach. I only went AAA, but he's going to go to the minors for sure at least.

I was pretty good in Pony League. We can really make it happen. But if the son's like, I want to play cello. He's like, all right, you can play cello on the side maybe. How much is a cello? Fuck no. You ain't playing cello. We're going to get you the best fucking baseball gear money can buy.

You're going to be hitting homers out of fucking T-ball, son. Like, you're going to be the best there can be. Yes. And the son's like, I kind of want to make, like, a sculpture. I want to kind of make, like, a sculpture or something. Like, maybe a plastic or cardboard, you know, like, something I could paint. Like, no, son, that's stupid as shit. That's a fucking stupid idea.

You shouldn't do that. Having like a savant son when you're like, or just a creative son, like that whole like thought daughter or gay. Like I'm trying to imagine a guy who's like, all right, you have two daughters and you get the son you want and you're like, I'm going to teach him how to hunt and I'm going to imagine a guy who's like, all right, you have two daughters, and you get the son you want, and you're like, I'm going to teach him how to hunt, and I'm going to teach him how to fish, and I'm going to teach him how to box in the Army. So we're going to have a Golden Globes amateur junior champion here at the house, and your son comes out on his third birthday.

He's just one of those, like, you just know. I had a cousin who by third birthday was like Barbies just know, like, it's not, I had a cousin who by like third birthday was like Barbies and witches for Halloween. Like that's, and you just know, like there's no, it's like, well, uh, so this is a Remington and your son's like, um, do we kill the deer? You're just like, yeah, son, we got to kill the fucking deer, man. I think funnier than that would be like one of those guys trying to identify with his extremely gay makeup artist YouTube or something. Being like, so who's James Charles?

I keep seeing that. You know, people talk shit about the JVN skincare stuff. But if you look at it, it's good stuff. It's the ingredients that are in there. Just, you know, they really like, they're pretty clean. And, you know, compared to even brands like CeraVe and stuff, like, they don't. You know, they don't have the same. Your wife is just like, you're doing so good.

You're doing so good with him. I checked out one of those Fenty palettes whenever we went to get your mom some stuff for our anniversary. And she was, I mean, Rihanna has really expanded makeup for women of color. Because those old palettes didn't have like one dark skin palette. And it's like, you know. There's caramel. There's dark coffee. You know.

Oh, you know. There's not one color of black women. There's hundreds, if not thousands. Talking to your white gay son from Kentucky. And I've noticed how many different colors they come in. You know, and yeah, there's a lot of colors of white people. But there's a lot of colors of Chinese people, Asian people, Mexicans. Everything.

You're talking to your son through drug use. And you're like, I just don't understand. I mean, you know, I do get it because, you know, I mean, back when I was growing up, it was Coors. You know, we'd smoke weed. Maybe we'd pop a couple pills. But I just, I don't, what are poppers? If you could just explain to me what ketamine and poppers are i feel like maybe i could get better idea you know well i mean you know dad it's like poppers are for like just kind of get

you in the mood oh i don't know if i want to hear you know your grandpa used to use maca root is it kind of like that um granddad used to chew on fucking on blades of fucking long grass and shit. And you know, yeah. Um, dude, I'm on these fucking pouches again and they didn't have the four milligrams at the store. I think that's why I'm having trouble podcasting. They only had the eight. Oh, you're fucked, dude. I'm sitting here and I'm like, yeah.

What if there was a gay guy from Kentucky? Can you believe such a crazy concept as a gay? I think a better concept is having, like, a good old boy son as, like, a suburban gay couple. Yeah, that's a good one, too. Yeah. So, for Halloween, we were thinking, like, I'm going to be, like, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and your dad is going to be, like, he's also going to be, like, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And we thought you could be like a mini ruth i was thinking i could be a tadpole i was yeah he's not racist southern he's just like i was thinking i could be like a bullfrog daddy i wanted to be like a fox or something yeah i was hoping i could be larry the cable Dude, one of those like kid swap shows

from the early days of TLC and yeah, it's that couple and then like a fucking backwoods Kentucky couple that just had the gayest twink son imaginable.

Yeah, he's somehow wearing like Alexander Wang shoes and stuff. But he lives in the hole. I don't know where he found this shit. I don't know. We ain't got money

for no fucking, what's it called? The Eve Santa, Santa Claus. Eve Sant found this shit. I don't know. We ain't got money for no fucking... What's it called? The Eve Santa... Santa Claus. Eve Sant... Fuck, man. I mean, this shit's two, three grand a pop. And he's been talking about some motherfucker

what wears cloaks and shit. Rick. Rick Owen. I don't fucking know. He's like a wizard or some shit. He's got those Teflon bags. I don't know. He lives in like a house

that looks like a fucking pallet warehouse i don't fucking know he's just like concrete and wood frames and shit i thought it was a deer stand when i first saw it honestly i'm trying to imagine the like the gay like metropolis metropolitan couple with the shit kicker son the son's like i was like uh you know i was saying they're like trying to buy him you know like uh yeah like dot like platform docs or whatever the fuck and he's like i really just hoping to get some cavenders i mean just i mean they're you know i know they're expensive and they're like well how much could they cost three or four thousand dollars i mean because that's

you know in the budget for your schools i mean they're 150 you know i mean you can get them used about 100 bucks you know ain't too bad do you think they would trying to imagine like you know he's applying to college and they're like so you're thinking about cooper union columbia you're i was thinking you know a and m they're just you know roll tide i was thinking like tsu you know yeah maybe tarleton get a good ag degree yeah something some kind of more in management. Like construction management would be good. They settle, right? They're like, look, we'll let you study there,

but we know you just won the ag competition. It'd mean a lot if you could wear your mother's clothes. And he shows up to receive the fattest pig award and he's just wearing like a dress and like big devil horns and shit like full-blown drag makeup that would be so crazy if there was a gay guy who had yeah what if there was a gay guy who lived in texas could you imagine that i'm staring at one right now wow really yeah i'm looking at this kind of a weird monitor setup you got going no i could i have a you you mounted a full-length mirror behind the computer that's good man only i can see you and not myself so how does that work so you mounted

the mirror backwards no because that would that if i mounted it backwards i wouldn't be able to see anything because you mounted it behind you and you're seeing I would see exactly what I'm seeing now no you would see yourself in the corner no cause you're the gay guy from Texas and I am not gay

I'm not from Texas oh that's true you're from some Mennonite colony in the old country or some shit no I'm from Peaster That's true. You're from some Mennonite colony in the old country or some shit. I'm from Peaster. Hey, it's its own fucking place. It's its own state. It's its own fucking state.

Don't mess with Peaster, Texas. That's what everybody says. All 16 people from Peaster, Texas. They aren't dead or moved somewhere else man you know i've been thinking man i've been trying to get jobs and they're saying i gotta fucking pass a piss test i gotta pass a hair follicle test but you know i've been fucking i've been fucking around i've been taking poppers you know i've been taking fucking deca balling you know as sort of as a gay bodybuilder in the South, it's hard to get, you know, a fucking union job these days. Everybody calls you homo and queer and, you know, you deal with that type of stuff. But, I mean, you know, I like to take care of my body. I like to provide for my family.

So I was just, you know, I don't know how I'm supposed to pass a drug test or a follicle test with all these. Yeah, a follicle test? I'd love to see any of these fools at Halliburton pass a Bechdel test. That's right. The test for movies. That's to determine the readability or watchability of a movie or script. The Bechdel test, I thought, was based on if there was a woman.

I thought it was the readability of something. I could be wrong. I don't know. You're thinking of the Richter test. You're thinking of... Hold on. Bechdel. Bechdel.

Is there a... It's if there's a... When they're mentioning a woman or something. No, two women. Yes, it's about the representation of women in oh yeah well i don't that's right damn you got me who gives you okay let's go on the bechdel test wikipedia and let's read it because there's something on here that caught my fancy. Orthodox Jews. That wasn't it.

That wasn't anything that caught my... Ah, yes. Dykes to watch out for. Can I say that word? I'm just reading it. Yeah, that's fine. Was a weekly comic strip by Alison Bechdel. Oh, okay.

I feel like there needs to be a federal regulating body, similar to the rating system for movies that rate slurs. I feel like G is stuff like stupid, idiot, moron. And then PG is like dyke or whatever. That's PG? You think that's PG-13? At least PG-13. Okay. Maybe PG is...

Maybe PG, since it's been reclaimed, maybe queer? We go PG for queer? Or do you think PG is more like... I don't think... I think queer is how it's used. Yeah, that's very true. Yeah, very good point. It could be PG-13 or... For example, if you're watching

a PG children's movie and then somebody comes up they say oh kai you such a queer that's that's you know that's exactly how they speak in there right hey kai you great big fucking queer see that that sounds a little bit more aggressive which i would put more towards pg-13 well i would say grump a lump grumpy gills stinky butt uh you know doo-doo head poopy pig uh you um peachy 13 crap hole crap hole butt ass shit ass ass clown ass hat um thunder fuck thunder fuck dude i dude the the 2013 was great for swear words man Goblin. Mmm. Mmm, yeah.

Cock Monster. Cock Monster. Nice job, asshat. Shit butt. Nice job, dick slurper. That's actually, I actually like that one. I might use that one. Dick slurper is pretty good. Yeah, nice going, pussy pounder.

Did I ever tell you I was playing Jackbox with... This was a moment that I realized that I had to get better at determining what type of friend group I was in. Because I have my friend group and then their friend group, which is their work friends. We were all hanging out playing Jackbox. And whenever you're putting in your name and stuff, you know, people were putting in like their nicknames. But I thought I was amongst friends. So I put my name on there is ass pounder, which, you know, like in my group, that's like the most tame thing you could say. But I put like I put my name in, you know, like in the middle.

So I was like, all right, well, my friends are definitely like my buddies that are here with their work friends who, you know, I guess are, I don't want to say well-adjusted because I don't like to draw lines in the sand between people who are maybe too much on the internet too early or whatever the fuck. It's corny as shit to do that. But in moments it does happen in real life. And I was like, oh, well, there's Jesse and there's Tony. These are these people's names. Somebody's got to go like, you know, tard fucker or like poop poop pisser like i gotta get something good no everybody's fully legal name or nickname and then me ass pounder and uh and one of the girls there was like um who's uh ass pounder and i was like oh yeah who did that

it's just sitting there like yeah that's weird uh they were like jake are you playing and i was like no i think i'm gonna go smoke a cigarette like i just like went outside it was like one of those realizations where i was like there's definitely like it's i think it's corny as fuck to be to say like normie or like that shit's just cringy like and stupid like to draw lines in the sand in terms of personality types that way but there are moments where you can definitely tell that like i guess that's real maybe i don't know like when i'm around like not when i'm around other groups of friends that aren't like my friends that i've known for the last like 15 years obviously the humor shifts

you know like you can't you know i'm saying like a good example of like guys that you work with like some of the shit you joke about or some of the shit you'd say you would not say like if you're hanging out with like i don't eden's friends or like you know like you know like family friends or whatever like but i lack sometimes if i'm like been you know i don't know Sometimes if I'm like stoned or whatever, like when I used to, I wouldn't know how to make that shift. So I'd be like, yeah, we're playing Jackbox. My name on here, Pussy Stomper.

I don't know, like, you know, Big Gay Fat Guy or stuff like that, you know. Just classic shit. Yeah, the current running joke, or one of them, at work since I got there is that i am uh is that i'm a pretty woman and everybody uh gets to fuck me yeah so that's just something we're working with right now trying to work through it as a group yeah um it's cool when a bunch of like five foot five guys who've just been drinking 30 beers a day their whole life you know they're like this is uh we got fresh meat we got fresh meat on the block yeah um guys who like probably don't

like their wives very much or maybe they have a decent relationship with them, but they probably don't have many friends outside of work. This is a very special type of labor guy that's like, this is kind of not only his job, but his boys. And so when he's in that environment, it just all comes out. Like he can't be at home and his wife's trying to, like, they're trying to watch a movie or like she's playing on her phone or whatever, like watching the kids. And he's like,

Hey babe, wouldn't it be funny? Like, you know, like, like this guy I work with, like if we all lined him up and fucked him in his butt, like,

wouldn't that be, he can't tell his wife and his son that, you know? So he gets there, rolls in at 6am, sees you. And he's like, man,

God, I just, we should all line you up like a buffet line, dude. Did I tell you about Crazy Frog? Because I don't know what you're referencing, I'm going to assume that you did not. One of the guys somehow just now discovered the song Gummy Bear by Crazy Frog. Okay. And he made it his ringtone. And he gets a phone call every

10 to 15 minutes day in day out okay so it'll be dude like eat index is like 102 we've just been shoveling fucking all day and i am a gummy bear i am a gummy bear and then they'll all start singing it in spanish like in unison because it's like grown on them in a fucked up way and the guy is blind so i don't know if he made it or if his kids made that the ringtone he just doesn't know how to change it my dad uh there was a period of time where his ringtone was this like, and I can't tell you why he did this, but I can't tell you a lot of things about the guy. I don't know.

His ringtone was just this maniacal evil laugh from, I think the exorcist two or three. I don't remember. It was like the scene where the priest gets got and he's like, fucking horrifying dude. uh exorcist franchise was like his favorite movie franchise he was just he was a big fan of it so whatever he likes scary movies that's the best explanation why he made it his ringtone can't ask him never really thought to but uh this was a at a point in time and like our you know we were smoking a lot of weed together you know

hanging out on the weekends getting drunk and he'd pass out early as fuck and i would sit there finish all the beer finish all the weed whatever listen to music well uh we're like hanging out in the garage and he's like oh fuck i'm fucked up man i'm gonna go to bed and i'm like all right i'll see you whatever he's like you're gonna hang out in here he's like make sure you know get rid of weed or whatever you know it's your brother fine blah blah blah i'm like, all right, I'll see you or whatever. He's like, you going to hang out in here? He's like, make sure, you know, get rid of the weed or whatever, you know, with your brother, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, yeah, yeah, I'll put everything up. So he goes to bed, and, man, I turn all the lights out in the garage, you know.

It was a cool winter night. Close the garage, and I was like, dude, I'm just going to put on some fucking music, and I'm just going to fucking blast off. Man, we get so fucking high, I'm just going a little like you know chill moment dude i'm fucking blowing down finishing beer i'm just and i i had forgotten about the ringtone and also my dad always takes his phone with him he just took his phone with him everywhere he went because he just fucking whatever he just like a normal person would. Dude, I am fucking. And I hear from like pitch black garage. Dude, I almost shit my fucking pants.

I'm like, Oh God, I fucked up. I gave myself schizophrenia. I've been smoked. Cause at that night we had smoked both fake bake and real weed. We had done a little double dynamic duo. Cause I had,

I had had some real weed and my dad because he was he was a driving forklift he couldn't smoke real weed so he was back on the fake big shit and so we had like we had we're like rolling joints and shit with like both fake weed and real weed which gives you a nice high feels like you're being chased by a shadow version of yourself it's like a real like the working man speedball yeah exactly and uh and i'm hearing this and i'm like and like i'm freaking the fuck out or whatever and uh you know i'm like trying i'm like trying to calm myself down it's not immediately clicking and then all the lights come on and i'm like

and i look i turn around and my dad's at the fucking garage door like butt ass naked because he's like he had passed out he was like hey man uh my phone in here your mom's been calling it you know i you, she's off. You know, I fucking told her I can't find my fucking phone. She's in the fucking living room. She didn't help me look for it. Trying to go to sleep. You seen it?

And I'm like, and I put two and two together. And I was like, dude, change your fucking ringtone. I was in here higher than fuck. Just listening to some fucking, you know, Steely Dan. He's having a good time. And i hear like the devil coming for me so whatever fucking stupid reason you have he's like oh you know man it's like my alarm you know and i always hear it when i know i'm getting a phone call i'm like you could do the same with just a normal ringtone it's just what a ringtone is it's like it alerts me when i get a call yeah yeah i'm like that's what he's like oh you know i'll always know you know and i'm like any other any other sound well there was a this isn't as i

guess this isn't as funny but back in the early days like before you could get um before you could get like actual song clips as your ringtone this was in like flip phone days or whatever yeah you could get the polyphonic version which is like midi you know what i'm you know what i'm talking about it's like video games sounds basically but there would be versions of actual songs dude funniest thing in the fucking world my dad had for whom the bell tolls but it was like like so you'd hear like and he was like oh get a call literally took all the ball sack out of that song. Like, oh, my boss is calling.

I'm like, oh, fuck, you know. I'm like, dude, you fucking just have a normal, you know, I never fucking. Anyway, yeah. Don't make a maniacal, evil sounding laugh, your ringtone. Unless you just want to, like, like you know scare the shit out of people i'm trying to imagine don't really have custom ringtones anymore they don't it's like a thing of the past but it's funny to me to think about like obviously i had that one experience and had i been sober of sound mind i would have known it was my dad's phone but i'm trying to think about

my dad being like he's working nights at the time or in around that area i guess and just like being in a warehouse like with my dad and not really knowing him aside from a guy you work with who's just kind of weird and then you're just like loading up pallets on a forklift maybe you're on a smoke break together you just hear from nowhere because you're not gonna immediately place it in the man's pocket like and it just here like dude i would shit my pants and then when the guy's like oh that's my ringtone i would still be scared because i'm like why do you have that as your ringtone like my daughter's voice i love her so much my son is just sort of like a he's a uh like a lower tier demon you know he's doing

pretty good he's working his way up right yeah he wants to be the devil someday yeah he i'm so proud of him man he started out it's just sort of legionnaire, but he's worked his way up to prince, so he's got his own little ring there. Pretty proud of him. So he was practicing for devil school his demon roar, and he kind of was saying, oh, Dad, check out my laugh. I went down to hell to watch him and recorded a little bit of it, and this is what it is. By the way, I am schizophrenic.

I just needed to let you know. Yeah, that's just my demon son for you. What's your son do? Oh, he plays wide receiver over there at UTSA. That's awesome, man. Go Roadrunners. It's all about your boy. Oh, he's like a lower tier demon.

He works directly under Belialial you ever heard of belial he's the belial the betrayer you know he uh grants wishes but also he doth taketh um he's been working for him i guess about what year is it i guess since uh since right after the crucifixion you know they got a big hiring spell going on down there in hell and, you know, we got him on there. He was, he would start off as an apprentice demon

and now he's working, he's been about 2,000 years, you know, super proud of it. You know, people, people think that being a demon is all stupid,

but you got a pretty good pension. You just got to work for eternity. Yeah, you got to put in about a quarter million years and then you hit journeyman. So you start off, man,

everybody's calling you, you know, gay boy and fat fuck and everybody's calling you green and you know and your tail's only this long and it's real squiggly and your horns are real little about a quarter million years you get a big old tail and uh you know people kind of give you a little more respect but it takes a long time you gotta start off almost regular colored like human colored you get redder as you go. Yeah. So when he first got down there, you could see the little wiener and everything.

It wasn't a good situation. He didn't have any cool wings or anything. No, he would kind of have to walk everywhere. Or he could kind of flutter a little bit. Yeah, the rest of the demons would just fly after him. They would throw two or three ton boulders at his head every day. Glide like pterodactyls across the sky. He would just sort of walk. Yeah, shove their pitchforks in his ass cheeks and stuff.

Your feet get burnt for about 200,000 years before you really get good at flying. You know, this guy he's working under, that Belial fella, he oversees 100 billion damn souls. He's putting the work in you know he but he's got to hang out with some real bad people you know he's got a he don't get to hang out with nobody cool like hitler you know he don't get to torture nobody worth a damn mostly it's just tax fraudulent people you know embezzlers and things like that but little kids who lied about like you know unbaptized babies that's the toughest thing he's telling me you know you got

to throw him in a big old fucking oil vat over and over again for about a hundred thousand years uncontacted tribes as it turns out you're supposed to contact them so yeah you know people who never heard about the word of the lord yeah he kind of has to shuffle them around you know put them through razor blades and shit like that you know he's doing good though i'm proud of my son somebody's got to do it why are you running away from me at such a quick speed? I was just telling you about my demon boy who, you know. And lunch ain't till 12.

Well, hey, it's 11.59. Don't make me call my son up here. He gets one trip to the earthly realm, one per year, and you don't, he'll do his old man a favor, you know. He will kill you. Demon son. That's going in the book. Yeah's that's going in the history books that's demon shit kicker boy and fucking forklift driver son that's going in the shit that's going in the

book son or gay daughter demon say hey would you rather have a demon son a gay daughter answer quickly demon son or thought or gay daughter not thought daughter just a daughter who's like really yeah just like just really good at golf you know you'd rather have a damned black-eyed red son or just a daughter who's just you know gets a full ride to houston baptist because she's really good at golf i uh you ever played golf no i told you i think the only time i ever got exposed to anything golf related was uh the time my dad used to sit across from his friend thomas and they would hit golf balls at each other at like mock speed blackout drunk and then uh this would be like in the front of the elementary school by our house and then that time i went riding in a golf cart shithouse fucked up at my rich friend's dad's country club fucking oh right yeah i've never

played golf man i do here's the thing man i feel like as i get older that i should get into it because it seems like people say oh golf is a rich man's sport i've been on like or i've seen there are like a couple public golf courses next to the frisbee uh sorry disc golf places that i've gone to just to play games with friends that are nice i feel like it would be a nice serene morning thing to do when i'm old but yeah apparently it is kind of physically taxing sure i mean it's it's one of those things that like you have to have good hip rotation like anything else anything sports related but i would like to think that if you're just sort of like it's like when you know professional professional bowlers like it's

taxing if you're like a fat old guy like john daly walking around that much is taxing it's taxing in that way i suppose yeah i mean john daly in many is a... He's the peak of... He's like a demon uncle, in a way. When you think about, like, who is the peak, like, white athlete, like, it's easy to say, like, you know, like, Peyton Manning, or, like, Tony Romo, or maybe, like, you know. But, like, to me me john daly represents everything about american sport culture a guy who is so physically dominant over his sport for the most

part despite the fact that he is like i eat mcdonald's three times a day i drink about 15 cokes a day i do not drink water i'm drunk constantly i really don't like being alive and i don't like people uh i hate my family you know just a very american guy who don't you know it's not like he's not like a physical specimen when you think of like a premier athlete i guess neither is tyson fury but you know he's he's a big motherfucker at least yeah he's huge i think it looks scary to be fair yeah he's like six nine like i don't yeah i yeah that's yeah but like john daly just looks if i didn't know who he was and i saw him at walmart like this guy doesn't have much long left to live and that still might be the case but he's had cancer for a while i didn't know that yeah or something

the kidney disease or something that's's sad, but it's... But I don't think he's changed. Like, he still drinks, like, 20 Diet Cokes a day or whatever. Yeah. And smokes cigarettes. Yeah, he... Constantly. Whenever he, like, doesn't win, he's like, I don't give a fuck about this.

It's so funny. Like, a lot of guys are like, man, I just didn't show up to play today. You know, he's like, I don't even give a fuck about this. I don't care about this i might respect that's like an old fat guy mentality going into the you know the sport that you've dedicated your whole life to well he uh he got his first like hole-in-one i think like last year i didn't know that like a charity event first hole-in-one of his life let me see what is john daly up? Is he still in the fucking PGA or whatever? I don't know.

I know he's still playing, but I don't know if it's that. He played a tournament last week. Oh, he withdrew from it. Yeah, he's still on the PGA Tour. Oh, nice. Okay, cool's still on the PGA Tour. Oh, nice. Okay, cool. That man is only 56. There's no way you're fucking kidding me.

No. That guy looks... I mean, I guess it makes sense. He looks tough, though. Does not look particularly good. Holy shit. Yeah, 56 years old. I thought he was like 70.

No, I think he's just the cheeseburgers and the alcohol and, you know. He went to a Catholic high school. That's funny. That's awesome. He could come on the show. I don't think so. I don't think he would care enough. I don't think he cares really about anything now that i've seen that dude yeah he looks like uh in like i feel like in medieval times or something he still would have thrived for sure he would have been like uh he looks like viking stock yeah yeah like actual viking stock not like not like uh like the guys who were just on TRT or whatever,

and they're like, return to our traditions. This is a guy who was made to just hang out on a boat and eat sheep meat. And drink the type of beer that was, for some reason back then, like 70% alcohol but still technically beer. Yeah, he was just made to hit guys on the head with a club and just hang out yeah i love you know what i would like to i would like to think you know i did the 23 and me i'm like well you know what was my like ancestor you know like type like what what were we built to do because i can't i can't process what I'm built to do now because I don't like, I'm not like built to have a job.

Like I don't, but nobody really likes having a job. But I despise it. So I'm like, what was I designed to do? Because I work from home now. What was my great to the 10th power granddad doing like a thousand years ago? In like, you know, the Scottish Highlands or whatever. Was he like eating elk meat and shit? Sword fighting?

Yeah. I don't know. I think, I think, uh... I think most, I think, from what I understand, basically everyone I'm related to either just like scammed people or like uh just dug up dirt and stuff forever my my mom all right dude my so my grandma used to tell me just like old people making shit up she was like you know that on on my side we're related to Anne Boleyn. She was the Queen Anne Boleyn. I think it was Henry. One of the wives of the king or whatever that was chopping off all of his wives' heads and shit.

And she was like, so that makes us royalty. And I was like, I don't understand. She was like, so we're like, you know, like how, like who's in line to like be royalty over in england like we're super far like we're thousands but you know we're connected to the royal family and i was like even if this is true let's assume that you're not just an old like strange lying woman um we live in poverty outside of Houston. Like, we don't, like, there's not really, like, you're telling me that I can go to, like, what's the, Wimbley, whatever, and be like, hey, I belong here. Like, you can check the records, bro.

Like, I'm pretty, you know, like, Ann Boleyn was my, like, great aunt, I guess. That's what she used to say, like, to the millionth degree or whatever. Like, can I have, like, one ruby? Like, what is my birthright to, like, for being. But, like, it's one of those. Even if it was true, like, there was a. Like, Jeanette, like, going back that far, like, everybody's, you know, like. Yeah, I don't know.

Genghis Khan sired, like, so many, like, people. There's so many people that are related to gingus khan because he was doing super chill stuff while he was conquering you know the step and shit whatever the fuck um you know he was yeah he just he was a good pickup artist yeah he was known for his he would he would go up to a woman he'd say uh how about i have three guesses uh i'm gonna guess your ethnicity and if if i get it can i have your number and they'd say sure and he'd say you're chinese i said oh my gosh how did you know and then he would get their phone number and then he basically what gingus khan was known, he was kind of a smooth operator.

Yeah, he was known for being super nice to everyone that he met, and was a profoundly chill guy. He would find out what a woman was interested in, and then give her a big surprise. He would emulate those behaviors. It's kind of like the way that... He was known for gaslighting. Yeah, pick-up artists now would be like, find out what she's into before, and then read about it, then, you know, pretend to be, you know.

So he would try the negging thing where he would be like, oh, nice shoes. And if that didn't work, he'd be like, oh, I see that you're like volleyball. You know, I'm my favorite volleyball player, you know. Oh, you look fat in that dress. I'm just kidding. I would never say something like that to you. He's just holding a massive, massive sword. Like, with a human head on it.

Just like, nice shoes, fat bitch. Wow, your husband was a great fighter. Yeah, he was so good that he checks notes, was killed by me just now. Oh, your husband was the greatest warlord in the Mongol steppe? I gave him two choices. Join under me, or I disembowel you with a deer antler knife that I made. And guess which one he chose? He is my bitch now.

So I guess that makes me your new husband. Well, you're giving widow right now. You may not know it. I fucking sucked. You like that one? Oh, my God. I'm trying to think of, like, some, like, Andrew Tate type guy. Some pick-up artist being, like, because they idolize, you know, like, they'll idolize, like, Alexander the Great bars being like, like, cause they idolize,

you know, like they'll idolize like Alexander the great, who was like a possibly bipolar epileptic and, or like a, and you know, uh, maybe gay. And then, you know,

they'll idolize like some Viking that died at the ripe old age of like 23, who may or may not even be real. He's just a part of folklore. They want to be like leaf Erickson. Yeah. Yeah. But just to imagine one of them just like you know i've been really getting in gingus khan lately they're a guy that

just works in tech sales is like yeah so like basically gingus khan was responsible for the deaths of somewhere like north of like 10 million people so i see a lot of myself in him as a guy who like goes to gold's uh and does you know like a couple really bad form smith pret like you know incline presses on the smith machine and then uh you know like whenever i'm on tinder like i just see kind of like it's like navigating the step you know like i like i see these girls and they've got guys and i'm just like man i could totally beat them up you know so i'm just really getting into genghis khan lately you know as a guy who has never killed anyone or been in a fight in my life or, you know, never challenged anyone to, you know, hand-to-hand combat. Yeah.

As a Sigma, I've always kind of idolized, like, Alan Turing. I see him as, like, basically who I want to be. Like, you know, you, like, crack the code of, like, getting busted. Basically, like, so he was, like, so I found out, like, the way that he got really famous was he was chemically castrated by the state. So I've been taking a lot of, like, birth control just to sort of become, and doing a lot of math because he was a really smart, like, British gentleman. And so I idolize, like, you know, really, like, smart, like, Patrick Stewart, like, really straight, strong, you know, British gentleman like that. The Doctor Who guy, I'm, like, really, like, you know british gentleman like that um the doctor who guy i'm like really like you know i'm like i think that he is you know probably like the sexiest and strongest british

guy that there is i'm really into the stuff like that did you ever watch doctor who i thought i liked it in middle school for like a year it was one of those things, man, like supernatural that I was a teen. Yeah, I was like early teens when the fandoms were so big that I was like disinterested because there were friends of mine who were like, if you didn't obsess over those two shows, they thought that they were like, dude, you're not watching. What the fuck's wrong with you? It's the same reason that I like really didn't get into like the walking dead or what it was like a cultural moments that people latch on to like stranger things now i tell my friends i don't really like stranger things oh not my friends but people that i know are friends of friends and they're like dude what it's the best show and they have like a stranger thing game of thrones is another example it was okay but i was like you know so like for that reason i never got

into it i just too much of like a popular loner yeah i'm too much of like a like a i was like you know so like for that reason i never got into it i just too much of like a popular loner yeah i'm too much of like a like a i really like underground stuff like like fight club and uh like pulp fiction i really like underground bands like mumford and sons and like modest mouse i'm really into like kind of like deep underground like electronic artists like washed out, uh, probably stuff you haven't heard of. I really like ACDC. They're this band out of the UK.

I've been getting into like Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros. You probably never heard of them. Dude, I, uh, I was at a co-op party. I know we're making, I know we're literally exaggerating, but you know that song, uh, love my way. It's a new, it's like by the band Psychedelic Furs. I know we're literally exaggerating, but you know that song, Love My Way? It's by the band Psychedelic Furs. They sing that song pretty in pink. Well, I was sitting.

It's a really popular song from this new wave British band called Psychedelic Furs. They're huge. No, wait. No, I think of it. Yeah, I think of it. I'm just singing it badly, but yeah. Anyway, so I'm at this co-op party, and I'm like hopelessly yacked out that I can't talk to anybody, so I'm just listening to people's conversations.

And I hear this guy literally, he's like, he's got his iPhone with like a Beats pill on it, and he's sitting next to this like fucking, you know, little shirt, big pants, like Doc Martin type bitch, you know. And he's like, yeah, I've been really getting into like British new wave lately. And she's like, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Like the cure. And he's like, yeah, like, like the cure. Yeah. Like just hamming it up, dude. And she's like, oh, like, like what kind of bands? And he's like, I mean, there's this band called like the psychedelic furs. They, they're like, they kind of got big. Cause they did a song pretty in pink, the Molly Ringwald movie.

Probably never heard of it, but it was like, really like, it's kind of like one of my favorite like underground 80s one of the biggest movies like in the 80s or whatever and uh he was like check this like this song is like you know it's by that band too but no one's ever really heard of it and it was love my way and she was like oh i've heard this like my dad used to listen this all the time and he was like oh your dad's got like a crazy taste in music and it's like it's it's not super well known like rolling stones but it's not like he's showing her like it i was thinking in my head i was like this is the most like this guy's never he's not he's he's not clutching it tonight he's not shooting threes from half court like i don't know what he thinks going on in his head but like whenever i'm around i don't think i don't think knowing about a band

there's okay and i know you know this because you're a guy and you you're around all different types of dudes who adopt different personalities to try and get some type of play from whatever girl they find attractive or whatever and so because like i don't know if i was going to school in austin or the type of parties i went to the people i was around i would hear that type of shit all the time like yeah like neutral milk hotels like first album is so much better than the airplane over the sea but like no one really likes that album or has ever heard of it and the girl would be like like i'm just sitting there and i'm like this is this person's like two like seats away from me like just chilling i'm like

you're beefing it right now dude no it's something you try at least once yeah and if you're smart and realize it doesn't first time it doesn't work first time you you fucking suggest an mf doom side project to a woman you know that is not the way you do things and if you're lucky you figure that out when you're like 16 yeah and you can just exactly not have that in the playbook anymore i like it's important to try stuff but when you see a guy who fucks up in the same way every time it's like i don't know man it's yeah it's not looking too good right now This is the third time in a month I've heard you suggest The 1979 to a woman

Yeah Who probably listens to it at her job As a retail She works at PacSun You don't think she's ever heard of The Less I Know The Better I had this song Confused with the band name

oh you're thinking smashing pumpkins and that that song came but the idea being like have you heard this song it's called smashing pumpkins by the 1979 i was laughing at a guy recommending the 1979 to a girl as if a girl like a like a like a girl in her early 20s has never heard that band is for that type of it's just oh yeah that's why i told you it was so funny at my dad's going away like going away my bye-bye dad okay goodbye now bye-bye puppy my dad's going away like he's going to college yeah that's that's fucked up um but like uh like recommending like hey do you know the arctic monkeys that song uh the less i know the better i bet you don't because you're a 21 year old girl i bet you've never heard there was like there was a time in my life where i guess to

differentiate myself in a very shallow and stupid way from like the shit kickers and like religious Christian conservative, like everybody that I knew, I tried to be like a movie and book guy. I tried very hard. There's too many books. Well, like movie guy that can work.

I'm saying like literature guy, like, Oh yeah. You know, like that's, I, I tried that for like six months and and i realized first of all i like to read but i'm not a guy who seeks out obscure books i like to read like

fucking f scott f scott fitzgerald i like to read dennis johnson i like to read i like to read shit that you read in like AP English because I I'm not gonna read something by some Japanese like suicidal pedophile like like I somebody threw me in a book DM I like at one point because I mentioned some like book of poetry by this Japanese dude that I had liked and there and everybody in there was like yeah this this guy was like a Slavic serial killer of children but he wrote this really cool book no one one's there. And I'm like, I'm, I don't care. Uh, but I tried to be that guy. And I realized I'm really like, not, that is not an area where I'm that smart. There are certain things that I know like enough about than I consider myself. Like, but I would literally be like, yeah, I really like I'm getting

into movies. I really like, um, like the social network. I like Girl to Dragon Tattoo. Like blockbuster dramas. I know we were joking about it earlier. I was like, yeah, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, movie guy stuff. I can't wait for the new Cars movie to come out. Yeah. I'm really getting into early Pixar. I don't know if you've ever heard of Toy Story,

but it's this really captivating melodrama between a cowboy and a space alien and you know like they they go through so many trials and tribulations together and they're kind of overseen by this god figure and his name's Andy and just like a guy like a fucking guy with Down syndrome being like well I don't know if you've heard about um this really great story uh it's one of my favorite movies of all time so basically like you know how cars don't talk but in this world they have like um they have the pope car you know which you know he is like the leader of all the christian cars and then there's whitney mcqueen and he against all odds despite his hubris and ego finds friends in the end despite being a rather unlikable

guy seeming because he thinks he's the best and he learns from his elders how to drift and I'm literally trying to recall the plot of the card Paw Patrol reminds me a lot of Mishima's literature Have you ever read The Five

Wings? I've been thinking a lot about how Paw Patrol kind of encapsulates Miyamoto Musashi's to five wings. To five chicken wings.

We've been getting a fucking we've been really burning the fucking ends out of that voice on the last few episodes. It's fun to do.

It's fun. It's okay. It's fun. Nobody gets hurt. okay. It's fun to do. Nobody gets hurt. Yeah, no feelings get hurt on that one. I'll tell you what, man. This chair is not getting any younger. This one is so bad, dude.

The one that I was sitting on when we did the video episode, the screws popped out. So if I lean forward, I almost fall out of this fucking chair. Yeah, let's make it about you now Jesus Christ man I say one thing about my situation and what is it oh it's a Jake complaining hour how about you write a fucking list

and you know next time we do an episode we can just go through it everything that's wrong in your life everything that needs to be fixed all the crap that needs to be fixed, all the crap that needs to be sorted out. Don't worry about what I'm going through. Don't worry about my chair, my precious podcasting equipment.

Let's talk about you. You know? Dude, I'm so done. I'm quitting the podcast. I'm done, dude. I'm done, dude. I'm glad that you're finished with your little monologue. I'm hoping that you feel like a big man. I feel like a huge man.

I feel like a 5'11", 180-pound man. Yeah. 75? 175? 180? 185 now. That's not... Hey, there you go. We're getting back up there.

Nice. Jinx. Jinx. Jinx, you have to... You have to fuck me. Jinx, I have to suck your dick. Jinx, you... Oh, but Jinx, you have to turn me out, dude. Man, I like...

I like weighed myself the other day, and I was like... We're getting... It's getting better. I don't... People are like, if you're a man under 200 i'm like dude i'm just not built like that like if i'm 200 if i'm too if i'm 210 i'm fat dude like i'm just like a lanky guy like i don't you know like i'm just it's going it goes i forgot how much of it goes to my legs if i'm not just bloated did you did you kind of off topic but

not really did you see that instagram i sent you of that 411 mixed martial artist? No, no. I didn't. Please look at the fight clip I sent you. Please look at it. Let's check it out. It is so funny. He's apparently really good.

Oh, God. Yes, dude. Yes. Look at that guy go, dude. rules does he does he have like a condition or anything or no i think he's just like from peru or something i don't i don't know that's that's guy rules he's just got he's just really short yeah he doesn't have like like any sort of thing i think yeah i don't think he has dwarfism i I think he's just like a short Hispanic gentleman. He fights at, I think, 125.

But he's stocky. Yeah, well, at 4'11", 125 is like... Not a small fella. Well, he is a very small fella, actually. Well, there's a guy, one of the greatest mixed martial artists of all time, a Hall of Famer. Well, he should be in the hall of fame he's not demetrius mighty mouse johnson fights in the same weight class and he's five three and so it's funny to me to get a nickname like mighty mouse because you're the smallest guy and then there's a guy like five

inches shorter than you and he's like because mighty mouse is really big for the division in terms of like muscle mass. But I was watching some of his clips other than that. Some guys at 125 will be like 5'8", 5'9", and then just all bone. And when they go to lock eyes, he's just staring at their sternum. I'm like, dude, that's so awesome. That's the sickest shit in the world. Oh, this guy rules.

Yeah, I was watching some of his fights further for a bit. Putting off doing chores that's okay dude chores you know what when your parents give you chores sometimes you got to say f that because to screw that mom because screw that mom because i am really getting into 8chan and i learned that i instead of having a bitch mom that takes care of me and loves me and works at a university I should be plowing the fields and then dying in battle instead of doing your fucking dishes stupid ass mom I know our dad's sick

with fucking end stage leukemia but you're a stupid bitch and I am a viking warlord that's why I had you buy me a fucking Halloween 300 mask so I can go to protests and do fucking karate kicks. Yeah, I'm sure I should go to school. How about you go on how not to be a bitch school? I know that you work 60 hours a week to support my chicken wing habit.

Yeah. And my fucking Dr. Pepper addiction. But I'm an alpha. Okay? You are an alpha. Dude, yeah. I'm probably like... Yeah, dude. I always get nervous around you because I'm afraid you're an alpha dude yeah i'm i'm probably strong yeah dude i always get nervous around you because i'm afraid you're gonna overpower me i you know what like a lot of

guys get annoyed with me when i when i'm at the gym and i'm struggling to not dislocate my shoulder benching 170 uh and because and i know it's not because you know that's kind of like pathetic at 28 to like have you know joints that bad but you know that's kind of pathetic at 28 to have joints that bad. But that's kind of my own insecurity because I know what it really is is they're looking at me and they're like, man, there's no way I could put up that much weight in one rep while crying, while holding back tears. When I put like 195, 200 on the squat rack, guys get scared. They get really scared. I've guys get scared they get really scared i've seen it they get really scared dude when i deadlift 250 come on dude they go oh no here comes trouble

here comes trouble they say dude we need to set up a separate gym for him because we don't have enough weights for him that's right his fucking we've never seen a deadlift over 200 pounds before. We've never seen a stocky 22-year-old softball player come in here and do literally 300 before. It just doesn't happen or whatever. Man, whenever I'm like... I don't get gym insecurity really because i know that i'm not a strong guy like i'm just not like it just never you know never really tried to be i just always

like i've been lean before but i've never been like built but it does kind of bother me a little bit when some of the dudes like some of the other jiu-jitsu guys or whatever now again these are the these are like the the guy i sent you they're like five three but they're just like like tree stumps or whatever and they're squatting like insane weight and i'm like my in my brain i'm like i should be able to do that because i tall i tall man man tall big big little man lift tall doesn't work that way a lot of times it's easier to do deadlifts and shit because you're like literally lower to the ground. Right. You know, like that's my excuse at least.

No, it works for me because I use that excuse too. So yeah, I think the only reason I've ever had a good bench is because I have short arms for my body. Dude, see mine are long as fuck. And it like it. The problem for me is actually unracking it. Oh, really? Because it like.

I have to like come up off the bench to unrack yeah and then my rep is like pretty small but for squats and shit like i don't really have i do have kind of short legs for my body but i also have the knees of like a fucking 90 year old man so that picture that we took with your buddy at the fucking twin peaks and you were pointing out that like our legs all started vastly different parts like mine were like started like way like past your hip line yours were like like because i'm all legs dude like it's fucking stupid like yeah we were all like pretty close to the same height and your legs were like a foot longer than mine yeah and then jacob had like normal legs normal build

yeah and i was just all torso. Yeah. I'm like, this is fucking stupid, man. It's so ridiculous, dude. Like whenever I, so like the strength and conditioning coach at my gym, he'll be like, man, you need to get deeper on that squat. You're only cheating yourself. And I'm like, dude, do you know how fucking hard it is to go to a full squat?

I'm not even that tall, dude. I'm really not i just my proportions are all fucked up yeah i can't do ass to grass dude i'll fucking break my my knees will blow out dude it's not happening but again i like i don't i can't even put up like again i'm not you know because like we're pr in today man and i'm like fuck no i'm not gonna hit a pr on a fucking tuesday like i'm. I just got off work. I've been laying down all day. I work from home.

I just got off work. I'm fucking tired. You expect me? Come on. I'm not. Dude, Ashley gets so fucking mad at me. She gets home after bartending for like 11 hours in a packed like Italian fucking bistro joint she works at. She's like, my fucking feet hurt, dude.

My fucking knees hurt. I just want to fucking chill. Like, I'm like, yeah, man's like my fucking feet hurt dude my fucking knees hurt i just want to fucking chill like i'm like yeah man i'm fucking beat dude i'm so tired she's like when i left here you were in bed like googling how do ears work did you like get hit by a car like from when i left like like did you go for like a 10 mile run I'm like no I tried to watch a movie but my attention span's fucked up so I just kind of looked at my phone for six hours and then I made some chicken she's like oh okay you're tired huh like big sleepy boy long day like yeah I really can't complain but then I think back to like when I used to work outdoors and I'm like dude I don't know how the fuck I did it I think it was like hot I think what fueled it was like hot fries and mickeys 40 ounce like that was basically like my dinner for months

on end I just didn't have the energy to like actually eat food when you're on those like 10 11 day stretches in the heat I don't know about you I have to I would have to actively remember to eat normally because I would be too tired to like have dinner like i was living with my mom at the time i'd moved back home and she was like texting me like i cooked i would go i would go to the store get a bag of hot fries and mickeys drink it in the parking lot walk upstairs and pass out like with my boots on i'd be so fucking tired like i just wouldn't eat which like the next day you're fucked because you're trying to be out there in the sun with like hot fries and beer like that's what you had or whatever

yeah i uh whatever your meal times get off also it's like i don't know like i didn't eat lunch for like two years basically yeah and i'm just like i'm gaining weight finally i'm like wow what is this from it's like well you added like one or two meals a day. Yeah. Of just eating food like you're supposed to. I don't eat breakfast ever. See, I don't understand how you do that. If I don't have breakfast, I'm like powerless.

See, if I eat that early in the morning, I'm asleep by noon. Like I'll do a smoothie in the mornings, like a fruit smoothie if I have the energy, but like I'm an, I like, I wake up early for work, but I don't come online till like noon. Like my natural fucking shit is like, stay up to one sleep till 11.

Like that's just me being comfortable or whatever. I don't fucking, I know I've never been able. Ashley's like, let's get breakfast. And listen, I'm like, no,

she'll make fun of me dude because um if i do eat something in the morning it's just whatever's in the fridge from last night so like there's been times we've been in her dad's place and we've stayed over there and hung out drink beer or whatever and he smoked a bunch of meat and uh i'll wake up at like eight for work and i'll go and grab out of the Ziploc bag, like a full ribeye. And I'll just put it on a fucking paper napkin and eat it with my hands. And she came downstairs and she was like, what are you doing?

And I was like, I'm working. And she's like, no, what are you eating? And I was like, I just grabbed a ribeye out of the fridge. She was like, it's,

it's eight in the morning. Like, did you heat that up? And I'm like, no, it's fine. Cold. She's like, you're eating a cold ribeye's 8 in the morning. Like, did you heat that up? And I'm like, no, it's fine, cold. She was like, you're eating a cold ribeye at 8 in the morning.

Just, that's fine to you? And I was like, I mean, she was like, I don't care, but it's like, that's weird to you, right? I mean, like, you can have, like, steak and eggs. But I wouldn't do anything else. I would just eat, like, sausage links, like, ribeye. Like, I would just, you know, chips. Sausage links, like ribeye, like I would just, you know, chips. Yeah, I mean, I got nothing against a classic lunch breakfast or a dinner breakfast.

I just have to eat something. I used to, every once in a while, I like having a cheeseburger for breakfast. That's classic stuff. Yeah, me too. I like that. I don't really fuck with, you know, I just don't fuck with breakfast food, man. I don't like eggs. I don't like pancakes.

I really don't fuck with waffles. God damn. I'm a piece of shit. Hey, if you're don't like eggs. I don't like pancakes. I really don't fuck with waffles. God damn. I'm a piece of shit. Hey, if you're listening to this, it's in the future. Why? Because we are the future boys. Because I, as we speak, am in the great city of New York. And I did not want to remember to bring my microphone.

Correct. Thomas is doing an hour at the comedy, whatever the fuck's there. I'll be at the Carnegie Hall jacking my thing off. Yeah, for one hour. If you're listening to this, head on down to patreon.com slash

pendejo time. Toss us five bucks. Don't do that. Because, yeah, do that. Because five bucks is not that much money and you got it to spend. Too much Because five bucks is not that much money, and you got it to spend on it. Too much money.

You guys got so much money. That gets you access to four extra episodes a month, plus all the free ones that are on Spotify. If you give us ten bucks a month, you get a video episode a month for now. We might be doing some sketch shit soon, if we can actually do that. We can't.

And then, you know, if you've got 50 bucks a month, you don't get anything extra. You just get to say you give to kind of sometimes funny guys from the internet 50 bucks a month. Other than that,

you guys have a great future week. Bye.