Pendejo Time - Black Cyclops

Episode Date: June 18, 2026

guy who can't read and he thinks the CIA has a cyclops Hims connects you with licensed healthcare providers online, giving you simple access to legitimate ED options from home. No awkward appointments, no pharmacy lines.get himsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's kind of some of those guys, I know, the human body is very resilient, but some of them, like interesting. Some of them will be like, yeah, yeah, I'm on the road. I'm a road dog, like 200 days out of the year. And pretty much every night I drink and I do drugs and alcohol and I eat fucking big pieces of fucking ham steak. And I drink fucking grease. and but you know what? I went to the doctor and they put me on some medicine

and I'm going to live forever nothing else ever going to happen to me and it always is kind of surprising those guys nothing they don't even I've never even heard about any of them having any type of health problem I mean the king of it obviously

we've talked about it Bert Kreischer but like I feel like a lot He's the most visibly not making a work guy yeah you've ever seen yeah Although I will say

He definitely looks a lot better than he used to look I think a lot of those Like three years ago you'd see a picture of him And he would look like he just got off of a grill He would look like a beat So I will give him the credit of You know you can tell when a guy has Step back from the ledge in terms of

You know You I was talking about his wife has been going on podcast And she is like not what I just in my mind I imagine that he married somebody like him she's like my mom she's like oh well you know how he is he drinks he drinks 18 beers or not and drinks a fifth of jameson every nine and has 18 cheeseburg like he she's like the sweet old southern lady I will say this there's a lot of guys who love that exact lifestyle and are not millionaire family any of that yeah yeah yeah yeah very true

A guy who's not even funny. Yeah. And he drinks a thousand beers every day and he's ever told a joke. I guess. He's just watching TV. There's guys like that. So I will say, you know.

I guess I just, I thought, I just, I thought maybe she would also be, because sometimes it's true. You're right. But sometimes it's true. The party animal guys date a kind of leathery, beachy, bleached, blonde older lady that's like, yeah, we go out.

We go crazy. Like, you know what I mean? Like that. But like she was like I mean I make him ham and eggs every morning He throws up green foam It's like some of the shit that like she'll say It's like yeah I mean you know

He leaves foam in the toilet And I know it's because he's dying you know But I mean every morning I have ham and eggs And you're like The worst I saw a clip of him a few days ago Where he was talking about how much he loves The taste of vodka

Yeah yeah yeah It was like him in a another guy being like, oh, just pouring vodka over ice in a big glass and drinking it all immediately.

It tastes so good. Who made a clip of that? It's something that you hear your boss say, and you go, all right, well, we're not going to make a clip of that.

Yeah, like if I said that, Nick is the only thing Nick wouldn't. Yeah, he would make a clip of that because he's, he'll make a clip

where the, it's like, the thumbnail is me and then there's an arrow and it says pedophile. and then I'll click on the clip and it'll be like, yeah,

I used to work with a guy who ended up being, but the thumbnail is like a red arrow to your head. And it says, that's how my brain interprets every clip or, like clip or just any, like a picture that's been taken to me or something.

Like, well, you know when your mom posts a picture of you on Facebook and it's an angle you've never seen yourself in and you have like really long yellow teeth. or something like there's something fucked up. Your fingernails are like six inches long. Yeah, that's how I feel when I see

like a clip and it's a video episode that I never even saw it because you shot, you edited the whole thing and stuff and my belly is poking out and you can see my whole penis too. It's tiny. Well, you know what's funny is I don't think Nick puts any type of filter or anything on it,

but I think it's just when you get into that 9 by 16 ratio for Instagram. Everything is zoomed in and a little bit grainy. So, like, I will, when you're watching the full 4K on YouTube, it's not that intense. But he, like, zooms in. So everybody always gets mad because they're like, what is this the fucking feet podcast? Because I always have my toes out. I'm barefoot at JT's. He's in those shoes on the house guy. So when we're recording at his place, I have my feet out. But on the big screen, it's not that much feet. But if you zoom in on me, I got my dogs kicked up. It's just so inauthentic to be like, whoa, dude, you actually should sit differently. It's for a phone.

Right. I, dude, somebody was... He's sit differently for phone, man. Yeah. Hey, how about this? How about you have to feel natural to be remotely funny? Yeah. How about also, this is just... You guys pay to watch me talk to my friend who you like. These are not... This is a conversation

I would have if the camera wasn't here. Actually, if the camera wasn't here, I would be holding my fucking penis because that's what I do when I'm comfortable at somebody's house. I just hold my nuts like Al Bundy from married with children. That's how I've told you guys this on the show. That's how I sit.

I sit dogs out, hand on one of mine fucking big ass nuts, and then I just fucking, that just chill. That's it. But dude, no, I would have. I hunch over like a fat turtle, and I breathe really harshly and badly. The fucking, dude, my mom was showing me some of the pictures she took at the wedding. I can't stop thinking about what you said because it's like, dude, parent pictures. My dad was the worst.

My dad would take, first of all, he, always had grease on his phone lens. So it would look like he would show you like a vignette from like the old west. It would be like blurry with like a gauzy and like lighting coming from the top. And then like a quarter of his thumb would be in it. And then it would just be like your legs would be like eight feet long and your arms would be like two inches long. Your stomach's huge. Your teeth would be like so red and like he'd be like, I got a good picture of you and Ashley eating Christmas ham.

And I'd be like, dude, if I don't. look like that and she looks like that. We're both done. We can't be around each other. No, y'all gotta get married. Yeah, I know. I was like, and then my mom, she was taking pictures at the wedding, and she would hand it back, and I was like, there's no way.

Because other people would take pictures of me, and I was like, damn, this suit looks good. I look good and I look good and I'm a motherfucker. And then I think it's just parents. I don't know if it's just old phone or like, maybe you get past 50 and you try to take a picture and something in your spirit. I can't take a picture of other people at all. No, me neither. I can't take girlfriends.

pictures, which is tough. No, I can't either, dude. It'll be a perfect picture situation. And I was hearing Tommy Bayer do a bit about how he does girlfriend pictures where he, he likes, hypes her up and stuff and finds great angles and everything and, like, ask her to do stuff with her face. I don't believe it. And I realize I've never done any single part of that.

I've never said anything while taking a picture. I've just stood there like I was part of a firing squad. And taking the exact same picture. a hundred times. And then go, yeah, I got a few good ones. Yeah, I got a bunch, so hopefully it's over it doesn't work like that. When you pick a bunch, none of them are good. It's the same picture.

She's asking you to take one picture. And you say you took a bunch. You just held down the button for a while. And you said, all right, well, that's how much I'm willing to put into this. Right. One of my favorite things to do is when somebody asks you, a group of girls, this happens to me, this is how cool and charming I am. This happens to me all the time.

Girls will ask me to take photos of them and their friends. And I'll say, of course, ladies, anything for you. Actually, no, I don't say that anymore. But anyway, what happens is that I take the shittiest... You say, I've actually been taking pictures of you all after you. I've been taking pictures of all of your feet all evening from the other side of the bar. I take about 50 photos. I do the quick thumb tap.

And in doing so, I shake the phone. So every photo is very shaky. And the lighting is terrible. All of their teeth are way too. out. The bar light is seeing them in such a way where like even if I don't know who these women are, these are just an imaginary hypothetical women, all of them, including me, look terrible because we're in a dive bar. Yeah. And I don't understand girl photo techniques because my girl, my wife, now my wife will take the same photo of her friends and it will look great. I don't know.

I just, I think it, I really don't know, man. Yeah, Ben, Ben got a really amazing picture of me at your wedding. Did you have the one you sent to me where you look like a cryptid? Is it like, it's like your face is like elongated? It's like the shutter exposure was fucked up. No, different one I think. Okay. But yeah, I, I've got the, I used to think this was all pussy thing going on.

Oh, yeah. And I'm leaning back in it. And the way the, the way the like lens looks, because my head is leaning back in the chair. It makes my body, specifically my lower body look really big. And my shirt had come partially untucked on the sides. So that looked like it was just straight up skin. It didn't. People were making fun of me on Twitter I saw.

And I literally didn't even try to defend myself because I looked at the pictures and I thought that is a fucking disgusting body. Like that's not what I look like. But I'm not going to defend this picture because there's really no. you shouldn't be able to have an angle captured of you like that. Yeah. If it happens, then you just got to rock with it and be like, no, that's me. That's what I look like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah. But it's okay to post a picture where you look fat as fuck or ugly. I've kind of become a little bit liberated. But I think it's because I've had a lady for a while now, so it's okay if, you know, it's okay if everybody else thinks I have the exact body of current Bill Murray. You know what I mean? it's not really my concern anymore. I think.

I think it's funny to take really bad pictures of other people. But if you tag me in a picture where I look bad, I will reject a tag and I will not. I was taking a bunch of pictures of people at work the other day and sending it to their numbers. Yeah, I'm horrible. I used to take pictures. I was just taking it.

So there was like a presentation and people were, taking pictures of the presentation. And every time somebody took out their phone and take a picture, I would take a picture of them taking the picture and then just text it to their number. Do you know those, like, many cigars that comes in, like, soft packs of cigarettes? The only people that smoke them are, like, hit men

and then, like, guys that jack off in the park. They'll be called, like, Seneca makes a brand of them. But they're, like, little cigars, and they come in packs. They're, like, a dollar. Anyway, I had a foreman who smoked those exclusively. I wouldn't call him a foreman. He was just this guy that my mom knew, and he needed somebody to pay slave wages to fucking roof on summer or whatever.

And he gave me his number because sometimes I would take, like, his other, his son, who also kind of ran the crew, whatever, his shitty truck to go in to get the Home Depot or whatever, and I would take his number and give me his number, so I'd take his card or whatever and get shit. I was like the Aaron boy sometimes. Anyway, whenever he would fall asleep, He would sometimes fall asleep with the window down.

He would roll his window down and just chiefe those mini cigars all day and yell at us in it from the AC in his truck. It's like 105 degrees. We're on the roof too. Oh, the cigarillos? Cigarillos. Yeah, yeah. He's just blasting Capones.

It's not even Capone's. I remember those. I used to work with a guy who smoked the peach ones, but he would only get them at Gibson's. Yeah, yeah. He's just blasting those. Yeah. He would fall asleep with his head kind of halfway out the window

in his big-ass king ranch. and then I would take like 10 pictures of him asleep, holding like half of a cherry of a Capone, and I would send all of them to his phone and his son's phone. Then I would, like, go back up, and I would start hammering or whatever. Out here, Rhodes! Get out of that.

Roads! Get your ass down here! I was like, yeah, what's up, man? He was like, taking pictures on me on a job. And I was like, you guys can't send him pictures to my phone, and my son's phone. And so he would be like, his own was close to my age.

He was like, hey, man. you can't send pictures of my dad to sleep to his own phone. Like, he's going to get pissed. He thought it was hilarious, but I was like, dude, it's 100 degrees out here. Like, I'm up here busting my fucking ass. Your dad's in there eating fucking cult, like just eating, what's the fucking, God damn, the shitty is, the, uh, um, Carl's Jr., eating Carl's Jr. And just getting fatter than fuck and smoking peach Capone's in his fucking king range.

God, that sounds fucking good right now. Dude, doesn't it sound? This is what I'm saying. all the guys that I hate, all my old bosses and like every blue collar labor job I had, I would trade anything to be like 500 pounds and purple smoking peach Capone's eating fucking goddamn Carl's Jr. with like a 78 ounce, 78 ounce full flavor Coke. No Coke zero, full sugar coke. And then just fucking getting, watching my ankles swell in real time and just all that you know what's on the fucking radio? Got my toes in the water.

ass in the sand, not a worry in the world A cold beer in my hand And every now and then I fucking yell at the end up Hey, I ain't paying you to fucking Lead against the tree, pay, your pecker I ain't paid it. Yeah, you're barely fucking I want to be that guy. I want to be that guy in the truck, dude. I'm done being

the fucking, I'm the slave, I don't want freedom. I just want my chance to hold the whip. That's what I want. I'm, I don't, I don't want liberation. I don't want freedom and equality, fraternity, whatever that French shit is. I'm a slave, and I want my chance to hold the whip.

That's what I want. I don't want a better world for anybody. I don't want, I don't want wages to be higher. I just want, I'm an American, and what I want is I want the person, I want to make somebody else suffer while I sit in a big-ass truck. That's the fucking, that's the kind of thing that I've realized it is I've getting older, is that I'm abandoning all of this stupid communist nonsense. And what I want to be is 587 pounds in a truck with a lift that I've negated the lift by being 600 pounds.

You understand, Thomas? I paid for the lift. But now that I'm in the truck, it just looks like a normal truck because the suspension system that I have on it is adjusted to my weight perfectly. It just looks like a normal truck. Now, when I get out of it, it's got a nice lift. And I want to yell at Mexicans and black guys and white guys from that truck. and I want to breathe like this. That's what I want.

I don't want it. I don't want fucking better job protections for anybody anymore. I don't want anything like that. You think you're going to get workman's comp while I'm sitting in my truck dying a fucking gout and fucking comas? Nope. Oh, you cut your fucking thumb off? Sew it back on. Sew one of the Mexican guy's thumbs on to see what happens.

Fuck it. Trade thumbs with him. Trade legs. Trade fingers with the Guatemalan guy. Be a white guy, six foot three. I'm doing this Guatemala. guy's going to trade fingers. Nah.

Well, I'd be trading fingers with... Come on, man. Come on, man. I'll be trading fingers of hell at Guatemala. A guy who talks like that because he's... He codes wishes to that because he's talking to a Guatemalan guy. Man, come on, man. Come on, man.

He sound like a scared Jew, like a scared... A scared Jew doing a black guy voice. Oh, come on, man. What's up, young... You kind of sound like Tony Hinchcliffe. That's what it is, I guess. Joe. Joe, help me.

I'm red. I need more money, Joe. And I know just the mustache I need. Okay, this is what I look like without a mustache. I know the mustache I need to have. He's like, uh, let's see, I'm a little, I look like a little turnip. I should get the same mustache that the devil has. What about Tony pinch tits?

And he goes around and he just goes around squeezing girls' nipples and a cop shoots him in the fucking head for it. Yes. Sorry. Tony Grinch Dick and it's green and furry. And I'm sucking it to get one minute of stage time. I'm sucking it to get a present and one minute of stage time. Dude, all their shows, if you, if you,

all their shows are called like the killers of killed. Tony or like the fucking regulars or the fucking head hit the heavy hitters and if you fucking you're you're like hey can I get on the heavy hitter show and they're like are I thought you were drinking a whole ass thing a ranch. Thomas is pouring water into the what looks like to want to go into what is that. Is that tea? He's pouring it from like a big ranch. I'm drinking one pitcher of tea.

Oh, that's good. It looked like the thing when you wait tables that you dispense the ranch into the ramekins with. That's what it looked like. Yeah. Things that have been stopping me from drinking big pictures of sweet tea is I didn't know we had a picture. Hey, I found a picture today and it's got like a metal inside. Yeah. That's pretty fancy to not know you even have that.

Must not be, must be, must be Edens because I have never seen this before, but I'll keep it nice. I got a pain in my chest, my soul. So the cooler that had like 400 leftover beers in it from the fridge, we did not. We did not have space for it. So Ashley's dad took her back with him to Houston, and I was like, I'm going to have a nice stash of Bruce Garinos when I go back to visit the in-laws, which is actually going to be here in a few days because we're flying out of Bush to go to Switzerland. Anyway, this motherfucker, okay, I had Miller High Life in there,

Lone Star, I had a fuck ton of electric jellyfish and Bud Light. God damn, my father and my father. in-law had the first betrayal. His favorite beer is Bud Light. He gave away all the beers that weren't Bud Light and that cooler to the neighbor, who I don't know. And I was like,

here's the thing. I wanted to be on the wagon until I left for my honeymoon, but I was like, God, the night before the flight, I love to get good and fucked up so I can get really sick at the airport, take a bunch of medicine, different types of it, and then take a bunch

more alcohol and then sleep and then wake up my destination or dead whatever happens i don't care and ashley was like oh yeah uh my dad gave away all the beer that wasn't bud light and i was like that fucking damn not that not that i could drink 300 beers in one night but the idea you know how stupid are brann i know you know what i'm thinking we're like oh in my mind i had 300 beers that were mine and i'm only going to be in town for two days so i can drink 300 i can drink 300 beers in a week yeah just 150 a day yeah Like, you know how if you go to a friend's place and maybe you guys do a big potluck and they're like, oh, yeah, they start throwing leftovers away. And you're like, no, I wanted to eat six cheesecakes and 18 half-eaten slices of pizza.

I hate when people throw booze and food away. I fucking hate it. It drives me up a fucking, dude, if I'm ever at like a kickback thing where you got to bring like a food or item and people start throwing shit away at the end, I'm like, I'll take that. And Ashley's like, why do we have a fridge full of old steak and mashed potatoes and like half-eaten, cheeseburgers and 32 seltzers and I'm like, because, motherfucker, don't be throwing shit away around fucking stinky ass, snaky old Jake.

I'm trying to drink and eat everything. Don't, don't waste anything in my presence. It'll drive me up a fucking wall. It ruins my goddamn day. It puts a fucking temper on my, puts a temper of my spirit. Yeah, sometimes I'll buy like a whole chicken and just throw away the whole

without even cooking it. What? Wait, what? What are you talking about it? It's like they killed it for no reason. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Like you set it out to thaw that you never cook it, so you just throw it away. I said it out to thaw, let thaw and just throw it in the trash.

What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? I'd fucking kill you. I'd fight, dude, if you set out a bunch of chicken breasts to thaw and then you're like, yeah, we're doing chicken. If you don't want to cook it, then you can just throw it away. Oh, man, I can't even, you know what, dude, you know what? I can't even really dog on it, because you know who does that? Ashley, my wife, my wife, Ashley. Dude, she fucking, she'll set out some turkey or, like, some hamburger meat or some steaks.

At, like, she leaves at, like, 5.30 in the morning for work. And then I'll go do stand-up, and she's like, I'll cook it. And I go, okay, cool, yeah, and I'll come back around, like, 11. Steaks are still out. And I go, all right, well, they're good for one more day, so I throw it in the fridge. And then, I'm like, you cook tomorrow? And she's like, yeah, yeah, I got it. And I was like, I can cook them during my lunch break.

She's like, no, I don't like leftovers. You know how I'm with leftovers. I like them fresh. Okay. Anyway, three days goes by. She just throws a whole thing and revising the trash. And I'm like, I can't.

What is wrong with, like, your brain with something shit and, like, her brother, the same thing. Like, someone's stuck. I was making that. I don't actually throw away whole chickens. I just like they thought it was a funny idea. Oh, no. She's sometimes be doing that. Hey, could I get, like, 10 chickens, like, freshly killed, like, by you?

And then I could throw them away. I can throw them away. I think it's like I have it with certain stuff I definitely have thrown away meat before I used to think that meat kept like forever in the freezer Same Same I did learn suddenly that was not true

And I had to throw away quite a bit of meat It has to be a deep freezer like an elk One of those things you put elk in shit I had probably 15 pounds of like turkey legs and stuff Just in a freezer for like at least a year Yeah I thought was just Just a regular

shitty apartment freezer. I did not have any science to back this up, but I believed all throughout high school, college and like well into my fucking mid-late 20s, that if you put the pizza in the box in the fridge, it could never go bad. Because the box somehow, through some kind of scientific something, protects the pizza that's inside it from germs.

or whatever, which is not how that works at all, like at all, obviously. But I was like, no, if it's in, if you leave a pizza out on the stove, don't eat that pizza. But if you put it in the fridge, you can eat that pizza for up to three weeks, which was usually my thing.

You're looking at it on your phone pictures of pizza? I was reading it throughout open relationships. I'm a queer person. Hey, man, you're an awesome podcast. I'm a lot of, dude. I'm trying to. Focus here, man. You're so good at this, dude.

I'm working on me. I've only been, I'm just, I just started, man. I'm trying. You're so good at this shit, dude. I just started. I've been doing it for five and a half years. You're fucking probably the best one. I've been doing it my entire adult life.

This is the longest I've done anything. Oh, man, yeah. The only thing I've done longer than podcast is, is, I think teach children's taekwondo classes. Yeah, yeah. Drink beer, maybe. Yeah. But yeah, man.

It's cool. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. But yeah, it's important as you get older, to hone these skills and to really lock in. It just feels good. I feel like every episode we didn't. get better at this.

It just gets like, like, it's like Hutch and Clyde, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like Hutch and Clyde. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, it's like sunny and Tony, you know? So it's like sunny and Tony. It's like when we lock in, it's like when the pizzas hit the oven, you know that cheese is,

yeah, coming right on there. Yeah, mm-hmm. 100%. I'm drinking a full-flavored Coke right now and I got about halfway through it

and I realize if I finish the other half, I'm going to fucking throw up. Oh, dude, I've actually been working on a new revelation lately. So I have been trying to make an effort not to consume so much comedy stuff. Yeah. Like not to be watching everybody's specials and clips and stuff. And it would be just kind of trying to write and have my own process.

Like, I've barely been going to comedy shows because, frankly, I've been trying to do more experimental stuff lately. And it's all been really bad. So nobody, you know, really wants to see that right now. Right, right, right, right. But the conclusion I've come to is I think that in a different world, I would have fully developed schizophrenia by now. Because I'm trying to do more like, find like inner thoughts or like scattered and like pull something from them that's good.

But I look at the notepad I have and it'll just be like, it'll just be scrambled phrases that I can't even connect sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, let me pull some of it. I have the same problem, but when I try to actually write, it's never funny. I have to find a middle ground of like hieroglyphic keyword rants and then like actual written punchlines. Because if I try to write something out, it's so bad.

I'll be like, damn, sometimes you go to the store and they don't have anything that you wanted. Toot-loo, you know what I mean? I got to do that for an hour, you know. But other times on the other end of the spectrum, if I just have keywords, my fucking notes app will say, wizard rapist, two dead dogs on the side of the road. The biggest buzzard I've ever seen. Tony Hawk fucking you. Like that. How am I?

I have no idea how to connect those. I'm seeing notes for what I should call this special. Your special? This special. Your hour? Title, yeah. Thomas White. What I see is what you get.

Why would that? That's not good. That's like not even... That sounds like a Dave Attell, like 98. That's not a bad title. I mean, you know. I have a note that says, My first day here, I held the door for a mouse.

There's nothing... It's not connected with anything. I can't do anything with that. Yeah, let me see here. Yeah, this is a fun way to kill a bit of time. What do I got my dad's up? Did I... Okay.

listening it just says when I listen to chaperone my brother thinks I'm gay I don't you ask a guy

with a boat how he got rich and he's like I make all that red wax they put on cheese just at the house I got a

the president of the Philippines name is Bong Bongbong Marcos if you know anything about the history of the Philippines

that would be like if the president of America's name was Burger Budweiser Is that a good one? No, that's like, that's such a fucking like, uh... Okay, I got a really... I got a really fucking horrible one.

I knew it was horrible, but it's been making... I'm from Texas, but I love New York. So these NBA finals were tough. It was like spaghetti versus garlic bread. Yeah, that bit sucks pretty bad. Let's see what else I have here Being A lot of guys think being gay is weak

But being gay is pretty Actually one of the toughest things you can do Those guys can fight and they've got big muscles Also wearing a butt plug is probably one of the hardest things Man can do in his life But that's kind of like a hack bit I think somebody already has a thing about getting fucked in the ass Being tough

Okay how about this I had a cousin that died I'm choking on the outside of a cherry. That's pretty good. Here's one that just says, watch me clarno some hot dogs. Oh, when I listen to Panama by Van Halen while I'm drunk driving, I finally understand when my dad left.

It's a pretty good one. I like that one a lot. It says, if I was the president, I would only eat the pussy part of every animal. That's very good. Okay, yeah, PTSD. Yeah, pretty thick and strong dick. Okay, this one I can't decipher for the life of me.

It just says Lenin, Buck Angel, Bailey J. Wanting Russia to lose World War I. I could not imagine. That's like an AI overview of one of your jokes. I like that, dude. That's like, yeah, like a shitty Google AI overview of like my entire hour. All right. Here's a really bad one.

Okay. Duck vaginas, as you may know, twist and corkscrew in a curious fashion. But they're still easy to fuck. Very good. The Germans and the Japanese embraced fascism because they love rules, order, quiet, and their love for fine suits. The Italians embrace fascism, on the other hand, because they're retarded. See, that's good. That's like,

that is kind of like a, it's like a David Till joke. Yeah, there's like, all this shit in my phone is like, if there was a, if I was doing like Comedy Central's 30 minutes in like 2002, I could have an 18 year old girlfriend by now. You know what I mean?

I could. Law and order, S-E-V-U, special ed victims unit. Oh, uh, for girls, for girls,

it's anti-ed, anorexia and bulimia. And for guys, it's much cooler. It's cutting and bulking, which just sounds way chiller than the other two. Okay, we've had a few really pretty good ones in a row. So I want to do one that is, I'll admit, one of the worst jokes I've ever written.

And I think I wrote this sincerely. You know we're in a recession because I was on a plane the other day, and they said water was for purchase only. I was like, damn, it's a drought too. I can't believe that's on my phone I can't believe I wrote the but it's Let me see what I said

If I was the Hulk for eight hours I could fix this country If I was just a big green Nasty motherfucker Where it was missile proof Bombproof and bulletproof And out a huge ass green dick I could save the whole country

Just give me eight hours I don't know what I meant by that I think it was probably something about maybe fucking Pete Hegseth with my big green dick, but... Oh, yeah, it is it. Women were burned at the stake for witchcraft, and guys just got to drink opium and do alchemy. That's good.

I wish I had a punchline for that one. I used to tell girls I was light-skinned in college. Fuck. That's good as fuck. When you're poor, you just have diarrhea. That's it. You just constantly have diarrhea. For sale, baby shoes, heavily used and soiled.

Fuck, that's good. Soiled. Like there's poop. I think the main takeaway here is, is it like, is it like, my style is like, I'm like, okay, there's something weird. And then I try to just, I try to put it in a stand, in like a standard issue, like, stand-up box and you're like you're like

how can I do it how can I do a little bit of misdirection but the misdirection always ends up with me fucking an animal or a child that has some type of nasty disease some of these are also very black lake sometimes I'll write a joke

and I'll be like a cool black guy I can tell this joke but not me okay here's an example you know what spear when you get on the plane and they don't even tell you nothing the plane just takes off Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's definitely a black guy thing. If you want a four-day work week, just don't go to...

If you want a four-day work week, just don't go to work on Fridays. It works for me for a few weeks at a time, but they get fired. Okay, this one, I remember thinking it was good, but I knew that I couldn't tell it through stand-up because it's just people who don't want to hear it. If my son kills himself because of Chad GPT, I'm telling people I molested him. Oh, fuck. I'm on a three-way call with the gym and weed. Oh, dude, by the way, when I was hosting, okay, I'm just going through my phone now. I was hosting this show the other day.

And here's a list of the comedian's names that were on the show. Quaid Wayne Just cool, right? Rakeem, no last name. Blazing Nana. Mike Holder. I'm not kidding. Mike Holder, like, he was doing a bit.

Blazing, and then I just was like, Blazing Nana was just a, she was awesome, but I was like, okay, I get it. Anyway. Okay, I've got another one. Oh, I get it. They call it a hot water heater because you use it when you want hotter weeder. See, I don't know how you're connecting.

That sucks really bad. It sucks, dude. And I'm trying to do an entire half hour of basically that. I know. I mean, it works. You do it. You actually do it good. Like, I have the, this one,

uh, Job was dumb as fuck for letting all that happen to him. That's good. Oh, shit. I memorized every top 200 porn star's fingerprints in case I ever come across them at a crime scene. A hot Cheeto would kill a Victorian child? No, it wouldn't. A hot chito didn't even fuck up my great grandpa. You know how my great grandpa survived the Great Depression?

He robbed and raped people. boy, he was 12. That's only partially true. To catch a predator, but he's only mad at the guy for bringing over pizza. You might tell me what's in that box? Okay. Oh, fuck. Oh, this is a description I put on Facebook Marketplace, but Marketplace removed it for the van.

Took this down to replace the driver's side door handle, but it's back up. It's finished now and ready for you to drink beer in it and smoking it and fuck it and eat sandwiches in it and live it if you want to. who gives a shit. You are in full control of your own life. Here's my 1990 V8 swapped Chevy Astro. This bastard is as mean as he is handsome. Reminder, you can fuck in it. 99% complete, restored, souped up for road trips, van shows, or make it, you're new forever. Fuck home.

Don't got to pay rent if you live in a van. Wife yell at you, go into the van. Kids won't leave you alone for one goddamn second, go into the van. Trying to jack off, boss bitching at you about being late again. You can fit a body back there, no problem. It's a cargo van after all. enjoy roughly 300 horsepower and 350 foot pounds of torque in this fuck muscle van The back was remissioned by I'm not going to say the name of the company and has a full year warranty

Anyway Just some more shit Oh you could shoot a small block 350 with a bazooker and it's still run the world is your oyster That's good I would buy that Yeah All right here's a I did a few okay ones I'm gonna do a real bad one Okay stinker you got it about a year ago They say two cups of yogurt per day can have your chances of a heart attack.

Let me guess. I'll be having some yogurt later myself. All right. Speaking of yogurt, if you have, if you, if you, if you, fuck. Speaking of, speaking of, uh, speaking of yogurt, um, you've been having trouble getting one of your creams off. getting your thingy hard to produce cream. Oh. Speaking of yogurt and cream and things,

if your thing hasn't been springing and producing vast amounts of creams in yogurts, you're not the only... We're talking about that member. We're talking about your penis and loads. If something's been off in the bedroom, you're not the only one. A lot of guys wait longer than they need to take out.

action. The difference now, getting real treatment is simple, and through hymns, it's 100% online. 100%. That you know I fucking never have to see anybody. If you've got a soft-ass dinger-linger and you're trying to make that shit fucking tooth sweet for summertime, then you know who to call. At some point, you got to stop blaming the stress, sleep, or just quote-unquote getting older. My penis started not working 100% of the time when I was around 20 years old, did not even know that that was the thing that could happen. It just one day said, nah, no problem.

And I thought that was just something that happened for old guys. Me and Thomas, we talked about this. You know guys too. Even kids. Sorry. Yeah, even baby babies.

If bedroom performances and questions probably crossed your mind to do something about it. The good news. is you don't have to jump through hoops to fix it. ED is way more common than most guys think. Millions of guys deal with it at some point, and that's exactly why Hymns offers a straightforward way to handle it.

To get simple online access to personalize affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit Hems.com slash PT. That's Hems.com slash PT for your free online visit. Hems.com slash PT. Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. So Dana Phil is a generic version of Viagra. It's a registered trademark of Vietra Specialty LLC.

Hems Inc. is not affiliated with or endorsed by Viatris Specialty LLC. Producing loads that are suboptimal. Do you remember when there was like a bit of a thing online where people would like take zinc and magnesium to produce loads? I was always like, is there a type of... I'm asking, don't answer this question. This is purely rhetorical question. I don't want to know.

Is there a guy or girl or gender... neutral person or whatever that likes a huge load? Like, is that a thing? I've been thinking about that lately. You know what I think part of that is? I think a lot of the guys who get into that stuff are like in their 30s, which is when a lot of people are trying to have kids. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's fair.

I think that's part of it. I think if that's not the case, then you might be watching a little too much that porno. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's... Like, I get if you're trying to have kids and you want to, like, make your sperm's healthy, Hey, that makes sense I also don't really care if you want to give yourself massive loads Because that doesn't affect me at all

Right, yeah, yeah That's kind of, I'm kind of libertarian on On that Where it's like, if you want to do weird shit to your... If you want to take vitamins Yeah, different stuff And you're just probably peeing most of them out or whatever Like, I really don't care if you spend your money on that.

I don't care if you take peptides, I don't care if you take steroids, honestly. I would advise you not to, but I've thought about it. So who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? But I will say if you're doing like a load maxing stack.

Yeah. You know, maybe just go within a community online that's into that. And I mean, those guys never hear about those guys. They don't bother me about it. So I think I got to choose my battles nowadays because,

I think I just saw like somebody, it was like a, it was a quote tweet dunk of one of those like right wing like Nietzsche and vitality whatever the fuck guys and it was like every girl want it was like you know like Fort Worth Playboy or whatever

like every girl wants a thick gravy size load and I was like I don't listen man I don't it's kind of funny too because these right wing guys nobody has a problem with you getting healthier right right right guys act like the issue that people have with them is

that they have a six-pack or whatever or they're tan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I go out in the sun and I get tan. Yeah, nobody fucking cares at all. Nobody cares about that. Nobody cares really about any. I don't think, like, if I see a jacked guy, I'm more likely to assume that he's conservative.

Yeah, or just retarded. A jacked old guy. Yeah, jacked old guy. Yes, no doubt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jacked old guy. Guys are just more jacked nowadays. Yeah, because you can buy steroids on fucking Instagram.

lifting now. Yeah, yeah. If I'm lifting, then everybody is lifting. Yeah, if I, yeah, if I'm at fucking 15, 12% body fat,

whatever the fuck, then like, yeah, it's, yeah, I get it. They fucking, yeah,

if you want to fucking have bigger loads and you want to have large muscles, this is an apolitical thing. Like, I don't, I also want to make it clear. I guess my original point was,

I haven't, I haven't surveyed a lot of people on this. But having... I would be fine with having cool guy loads, but I don't really feel like I have

like suboptimal loads. I don't think I have an abnormal situation going on. One way or the other. Graphic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's kind of a... And if I did, I wouldn't tell you guys. You know, I got to have a few secrets.

Yeah. If I had huge loads, I wouldn't tell anybody. And if I produced... If I just produced a puff of air, that would be between me and the big man upstairs. I remember one time I was talking about buddy. I think, I don't think he was,

I hope he wasn't being serious. He was talking about one time when he was at high school and seeing like going on these like, I guess like proto-gooning. Like it was an actual gooning because he was like, yeah, where it's like shooting an airsoft gun. Yeah, like he was like he would smoke weed. Put a pellet in there, yeah.

Yeah, he would smoke weed basically jack off like 10 times like throughout the course of a day or whatever which is still crazy but it's like he's like yeah dude towards the end it was just like it was just like yellowish and I was like what? He was like yeah I'd get to like you know jackoff

session like 12 or 13 and it would just be like a clearish yellowish color and I was like dude I think you got the end to your you got literally to the end of my penis you got to the end of your balls hearing that really you got to the end of your nuts. You know what I mean? Like, there's no more, like, you got to the end. Like, when

people are like, what's really at the end of a rainbow? And you're like, it's an optical illusion. There's no end of it. You got to the end of your fucking what your testicles had. How did you do that? Like, how? Like, also, are you dehydrated? I remember, I thought, I was like, are you serious? He's like, yeah, I was like a yellowish, clearish. There's nothing better than doing that while living with your entire family. Yeah, his sister, his mom, his dad. He's in your room, 24 hours a tugging on it, dude, smoking weed. Making the whole house smell like a rain forest.

Making it like three degrees hotter in the corner of the house with your fucking yellow load. You're creating black mold in your room. There's a cloud in there. Like, just like, hovering above the fan. And that saves your life. You never think to open, crack a window.

No, dude. And that's the thing that I like, I'm embarrassed. You don't have that relationship with your environment. Yeah, which where you understand that you affect it in any way. No, because when I lived a long, and I would leave the house for like a little while and come back and I'd go to my room.

I was like, when I was like in college a little alone, I was like, dude, it smells like nut in here. It does. It does. And then I was like, man, my parents probably definitely, you know what I mean? Like, you're like, fuck. You know, you have that, I have that thought where I'm like, damn, I should have like maybe tried to like not to make the room smell. But when you're like 14 year old boy, I feel like you're just putting up the kind of numbers where like maybe you just are exuding like nut, nut scent,

like the green stink lines have come. Anyway, this is disgusting. I don't like talking about cum at all. And I don't like talking about jacking off this much. You know what I've realized, man? I actually like, I realized this when I was like in the green room with the creek maybe like a month ago. And people were talking about jacking off. Yeah, the creek green room.

They do one free chicken wing and then you get yelled at by the owner. Yeah, dude, crazy. everybody was like talking about jacking off and fucking and like loads and like and I was like I don't know if it's like vestigial religious stuff but I still I'm 32 I don't like talking about that yeah it's because you're not stupid no I'm pretty pretty dumb no you're not you're not like in a fundamental way okay I mean like you can be made to understand things do you think that's what it is I mean I think guys who I see I think guys who

guys who fucking in there like, dude, I gotta fucking talk about this. A huge load that I have to. I have to talk about this in public right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean. Like when you see people like go up and they're talking about like, yeah, so. Been on Hinge lately,

been having, basically having sex. And they provide some weird detail where it's like, you didn't really want to tell people that, I don't think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, the girl probably did not want you to say that. Either probably. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, girls feel more,

um, uh, girls feel like they can disclose stuff publicly about guys more, I think. That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, that's a new thing. I will say that's a new,

maybe than the last like 20 years-ish thing. But yeah, I know what you're talking about. Like, um. So I would never date, uh, somebody else who was, like, a comedian or something like a yeah if they were a bad one

well I always like the point that I mean the example that looms heavy in my mind is the Pete Davidson one where it's like he did his own bit about it but I remember thinking that was weird to be like yeah this guy who's a very public guy

has like a huge ding dong like I actually don't want people talking about my penis I also no one has any reason to. I'm a Z-list internet Twitter guy and I'm married. You know, there's no reason to be talking about Jake's Toad.

But if there was a different set of circumstances, you know, like, there's just, there's just like... Yeah, I think there's worse fates and everybody knowing you have a huge penis. For sure. I mean, you could be everybody knowing that you're a rapist or a pet file. I mean, that's like... Right. None of us want people to know that.

Dude, did you see Connor McGregor on Jimmy Fallon? Yeah. This shit's so crazy. I just airstrook the fucking studio. Why are either of those men allowed to live? I mean, I think Val is just an alcoholic. Like, I think that's his only thing, right? Like, I haven't heard any gations.

I just heard that he's like, I've heard that it did blackface. People try to make a big deal out of the fact that he did it blackface. No, I don't care about that. Like, I care about, like, for the last 20 years in Hollywood, it's, it's been an open. It's funny. I probably should care. So the fact that he did blackface as. Chris Rock specifically.

Yeah, that's a good, yeah. Is pretty funny, and I would love it. If he did that again, that would be, that was my profile picture on Twitter for like two years. Yeah, I remember. I remember at that time I was, like, involved in some, like, left-wing political organization that will go with nameless. It doesn't matter. They're no longer a thing anymore.

They're now- The Gravel Foundation. Yeah, yeah. Yes, it was. I forgot about that. that. I forgot about that. And I remember that I got a stern talking to because

my account, I think I had like, I'd hit like 10K or whatever. I got a stern talking to during a meeting because my profile picture was blackface Jimmy Fallon as Chris Rock. And I was like, yeah, I mean it's Twitter. You know, it's not like, I'm not wearing blackface

to the protest or whatever. Like it's not, you know, anyway, it doesn't matter. But which is funny because you always did and people never knew. They never knew. They never knew. This guy's... Because he did it on your hands and stuff, too. Yeah.

I guess the one thing that... I only ever do it on my hands. You ever do it on your head? Just your hands and feet? He's doing black feet. Hey, I got it. Get him! Get his hand! Hey!

I put my hands up in the palms are away. No, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think the only... We don't like stuff like that. We don't do stuff like that anymore. I saw McGregor on there and I was like, okay, so it's...

With Fallon, it's like everybody's known for the last 10 years that he's like a barely hanging on alcoholic. Like he's like, like, it's like, allegedly, he's like, he's like a head, like, whoopsie daisy type guy. Like, it's kind of crazy that he's not worse off. And then Connor McGregor, who I think might be the craziest alcoholic rape monster allegedly, not even allegedly anymore. It's court of law.

Like, uh, maybe like when we talk about, on this show, Alcoholic Rate Monsters, Pete Hegseth, these types of guys. I think McGregor might be top 10 alcoholic rape monster. Carl Malone way up there, you know. Mark Merritt. Dude, dude, I'm going to divert the whole conversation.

I love that he's having his moment because culture's swinging back and he's going on podcast now. And he's being like, yeah, you know, these guys. You know, these bro-y guys. You know, just me, it's just me. It's always been me and my cats in my apartment. And then these guys down with their push-ups and their, you know, their hair creams. And it's like, I totally see where you're coming from.

And I'm on your side. You are 65 years old, though. Like you are. Probably I would say about 11 rings right now. Got on 11 rings. And I've got to. 11 rings being interviewed by this 25-year-old woman. Who I will be texting.

Instead of the news. Could be on the news. I probably could. I could be like using my education for something. Yeah. Let's see. I think I'd like to get hit on by Brittany Brosky. Yeah.

Is there any way that I could get on the same podcast, Dias? Is that Yvette girl and Ivy Wolk and then Courtney Love? Is there any way that I could get on that? and Brittany Brosky and fuck it throw on a who's that young Mexican fellow everybody seems like

Ralph Barbosa just for kicks have him on I can tell him that I love enchiladas and things will go over smoothly yeah yeah with the culture and shit man it's cool

yeah Mark Merrin trying to like be woke to Ralph Barbosa hey man so I right hey man yeah man Austin's cool bro it's like a good food Mark's like, I got this taco truck next to my hotel.

Oh, my God, Ralph. The best barbacoa, barbacoa, best barbacone of the whole I was feeding it to my cats. My cat, Malcolm X, and my other cat, Caesar Chavez, Jr. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, totally, yeah. I'm sure.

Oh, man, and then Courtney Love O'Ding in the corner. This podcast, Mike, if I could just... She's chill. I like court. I'm glad. She's having a moment again. How about Courtney Brubb? All right.

Where's my husband? Courtney Brough? Yeah. Where's my husband? I hope my husband hasn't killed himself. Oh, I sure hope my husband hasn't been murdered. I sure hope my husband leads to him out of the Seminole Grunch Bad Nirvana hasn't killed himself. Right.

I can go hang out with my husband and hasn't killed himself. I'll grab poke balls later. Oh, make me over. I've got the song about being in Hollywood. Somebody called Dave Grun. I have a boat to pick with Mr. Grohl. Food fighters. Courtney Brove.

Everybody thinks I'm in the CIA. That's my favorite, dude. Oh, my God. My favorite thing about being involved in all of the Twitter parapolitics group chats is I believe about 80% of it. And then a lot of those guys believe Courtney Love is legitimately an active and willing CIA agent. and I have to be like, okay, like, I hate the touch grass thing, but I'm like, guys, you're right on the money with, as far as I'm concerned, with the paddock, 9-11, you know, CIA, you know, program to kill. I'll, you throw out that bait, I'm biting fucking 24-7. I'm a hungry, hungry bass.

If you think the lead singer of hole, it's a CIA is some kind of CIA wet worker. I mean, get a look at this girl. Get a load of this lady. She's, I think she's in her 60s. She's an old lady. Whatever. I have to listen to some... And then I got into arguments where I'm like,

Courtney Love is not in the fucking CIA. And I'm like, oh, her granddad worked for the state department. And I'm like, yeah, back in Hollywood and the fucking 70s and 80s, everybody's granddad worked in the fucking state department. That's what Hollywood was. Because when you're rich, if you come from a moneyed family, a politics family, you have the part of the family

that goes in the politics. and then you have the part of the family that creates culture. Those are what's called the fail sons and daughters. They usually go off to make paintings or they make art. Like this is what happens. The lunch pale artist or comedian and musician is mostly a myth. That's the same thing. People are like, oh, the geese kids, they're their dads or rich.

That's what you do when you're in New York and your dad's rich and you don't want to go work on Wall Street is you make fucking rock albums. You like rip off fucking, you know, I don't know, Led Zeppelin riffs and you have long hair and you go, ah, you do that shit.

You know what I mean? It's not, who gives a fuck? Not like I work for the CIA Geese is a Sciop. If I had one wish and my wish would be to live out of a rock

in the middle of the sea, my second wish would be I delete Sciop fucking Spider-Man style from everybody's memory. I just wipe that word. I'm tired of us. Do you know Subway

was doing SciOps with Jared? What? What the fuck are you talking about? You know, that the McDonald's, Cessuan, Rick and Morty sauce was a sciop. I don't think, I think you're,

I think you're getting very mixed up with marketing. I think you're thinking of just marketing. I think what you're thinking of is just normal brands in advertising. I don't think, okay, I got you, Thomas. What about a guy who's hard of hearing and he's illiterate and retarded and he thinks the CIA has a Cyclops?

I like that. I like that. Yeah, they're like it. CIA has a Seahawops And they've been using the Seichwops Obviously it's got in the treasure Oh yeah

You're the JFK guy I'm more of a Seqops guy Oh you mean the treasure that the Sechwops has got it? The CIA has been doing Seqwops For probably a hundred years or more Nine 11 was a Seqops It was actually digging a tunnel underneath

The Oxy and the towers collapsed Because of the tunnel Yeah The CIA has several cyclops they're doing. There's a green one. Blue one. Brown.

Wow. Just a brown side. Just a big black cyclops. Like you have all the normal monster colors like pink, green, blue, yellow. Just like a black. Black. Black as fuck. Black as fuck, sideclubs.

Yeah, those are black cyclops. The CIA has a. black site, that's where they keep a black sidewalks. That's a site where they keep a black side. This guy, like, works his way up through the conspiracy ranks and ends up on

Chapo. He's like, yeah, so the CIA, I wrote a book called CIA Black Site, Black Cyclops. Seth, Seth Hoppe helped me white it. You may have known him from the Fort Black cartel where they got the American sniper

where they go in a big room when they tell each other all the cool stuff that they've done for Bwag and uh anyway so the CIA's black side's be called for black for reasons i will not go into uh as i i cannot i cannot burn any of my sources anyway the CIA has a black cyclops and uh that's that's fine that's that's totally normal for a guy and he doesn't do anything different from the other cyclops I like when the special ops guys say that they ran into giants when they're in Afghanistan. I know a lot of conspiracy guys who believe that stuff, too, the Giants of Kandahar. I think it's way more likely that those guys who were literally high on murdering children and meth

and modafinil cocaine and steroids and then not sleeping for 48 hours. And then just they're the Glantin gang from Blood Marini. I mean, just taking scouts and like cutting fucking kids' heads off with big ass booey knives and like fucking like Spartan kicking 300 pregnant women into big assholes in the ground probably just hallucinated a big strong probably just out in the desert

you just start seeing shit. You know what I mean? Maybe there are big ass giants in Kandahar. But I figured, hey, I would imagine that if they were real, a Taliban would have made use of them motherfuckers post-haste. If I was in like an insurgency group

when there was like eight and a half foot tall big motherfuckers outside, I'm enlisting them. Lickety-Sus. split. I'm getting those guys involved in the cause. I'm giving them pamphlets to read and shit. Dude, I drank this whole

can of fucking coke and I feel like I just been punched in the fucking stomach in my teeth. I don't know why the fuck I did that. I don't feel so good. I know. Well, they're from the wedding. That's how I was telling you, I don't want them to go to waste. Ashth was like, throw them away. You don't drink soda. I've been having a soda a day, which is like, it's crazy.

A full-flavored soda a day is like... Oh, delicious. Dude, Eve. I had some... I hit some Diet Coke with lunch. It didn't really hit the spot. Diet Coke doesn't really do it for me anymore.

No, I don't believe in any of that shit. If I'm going to drink... Especially with the plastic bottles. The plastic bottle soda is no longer good. No, it's too thin. Yeah. Plastic is too thin and it just tastes like you're drinking a plastic bottle. It feels like it loses its carbonation because the plastic doesn't have the fortitude to, like, maintain the spark.

Yeah, exactly. I was a... Oh, I had a... at the wedding, I didn't tell you. you this we were all bouncing around i had i had kind of a moment where i was like i wouldn't call like an alcoholic moment but i was expounding on the beauties of an ice cold glass bottle miller high life to a friend of mine and i think i went on for like five 10 minutes maybe where i was like there's no greater fucking nectar on god's green earth after a hard day's work

or just after a no day's work than a fucking ice cold with like frost on the bottle glass bottle Miller High Life. The can is fine. I love Miller High Life. It is genuinely my favorite beer. It's been my favorite beer since I was fucking 12 years old. But glass bottle Miller High Life,

delicious. And the guy I was talking to was like, yeah, I like having a beer every now and that. It really doesn't, you know. And I was like, oh, man, I just told this guy that I like, when I think about an ice cold beer, I like, I think I get like a 20% hard on. Like, I kind of, like, I get wet when I think about it.

You know what I mean? Like, you think about an ice cold beer after a long day of work And you talk about it for 10 minutes And you realize I should talk about other things like this I should talk about reading like this Or like a sunset or wild horses Which none of those things I particularly give a fuck about But I really do care about

Ice cold glass bottle miller highlight Which is Oh God, no, I told myself I wouldn't drink For until the honeymoon Clockstick for all the hiking? No, I didn't. So I got in really good shape.

And then the last month and a half, I have not been to the gym really. I was hitting it really hard, like doing a lot of like running and hiking and lifting and Wai and like really getting my gas tank up. And then I just ruined it this last month and a half by smoking cigarettes and pretty much drinking beer four out of seven days a week. So I kind of undid all the work that I did.

I'm still down a bunch of poundage, but I chalked that up to the zip. So it's kind of, it's not cheated. but like I feel good but I'm not I'm not as in shape as I was when we went to Ireland I'll say that but I mean I'll make it I'll make do you know what I mean like I'm not like out of shape like where I'm going to die but also even a month and a month or a month and a half it's not crazy yeah like you'll bounce back I'm on you know I'm not I'm not an old man I have people I have guys dude it's weird when guys within our age cohort like mid mid to 20s

like 25 to 35 talk about themselves or they're like, yeah, you just can't do it. I'm like, can't do what? They're like, oh, man, you're talking about all that hiking. And I'm like, dude, you're 30. What are you talking about? It weirds me out when, like, younger millennials, like, in there, they're, like, 30. And they're like, they're talking about themselves, like, both of their knees have gone and their backs are bad.

Yeah, that is good. Nobody stretches or anything. That is true. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's a good point. A lot of people are fucked up because they just don't do anything. That's a good point, yeah. When you don't do anything, by like 35, you're like, uh...

Yeah, blood clots your legs and shit. Yeah. I mean, at that age, you can definitely undo that, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's easy to just be like, well... Fuck it. Especially if you have kids by then, it's like, well, like... Oh, yeah, yeah.

I actually have to sacrifice my body for these children, and I... There's no way for me to go for a walk every once in a while. I kind of got... I was thinking... I remember who was it? It was Ryan Gosling. He was talking about...

He was auditioning for the role and the role was a fat guy. And so for six months, he, like... He was like, dude, it was so hard. I had to drink soda and eat ice cream every day. And I had to eat cookies every day and cheeseburgers. And, like, I told myself, like,

move as little as possible because, you know, I had to gain all the weight and a short amount of time. And I was like, fuck you, pretty boy. You walk a mile in my shoes. What are you talking about? about, oh, it's so hard. Dude, imagine a production company, like, I don't know,

Paramount being like, okay, because they usually will front you the money if you need, like, a coach or a fitness if you're trying to get jacked for the movies. But for the same shit happens if you're trying to get fat as fuck. They're like, yeah, you know, take six months, don't do anything, you know, pay you a portion of your actors, whatever the fuck money, and then you just hang out. Dude, if you paid me a quarter million dollars and told me to gain 50 pounds in six months, I'm gaining 50 pounds in six weeks. Oh, brother.

Come on, dude. Hey, this character's really fat. I would probably just drink soda all day. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, people are like, I see he was complaining. He was like, oh, it was so hard to do.

I'm like, dude, a quarter million dollars? Quarter million dollars. Because it was one of those first rolls or whatever. A quarter million dollars to gain 50 pounds in six months. Just let Daddy loose. Let Daddy loose around the town. No rules. Tell my wife, hey, daddy has to go, daddy's working, okay?

Daddy's going to go to pluckers. He's going to get the 25 piece. And we're going to drink about 19 beers. We're going to get a resting heart rate of 142 BPM way past tachycardia. Way past any. We're going to be 100% salt. Dude, one of my favorite things to do is to eat so much salt. People ask you a question and you can't quite.

you have a hard time talking just because your body's crystallizing salt and its own innards. I'm looking at it in your phone pictures of salt. Salt lick. A guy who goes to Austin for barbecue and starts licking at the line at salt lick. Oh, I've been waiting for this barbecue.

This is where the salt lick is? How much per lick? Knock it on the door, like, right when they're open. I heard there was a big pile of salt in the back like a cow. I was trying to get a lick of that salt. Every time I visit Texas, people are like, oh, while you're down there,

you're going to get some of that famous barbecue? I'm like, no, I'm probably not going to spend $75 on a meal. No, yeah. Also, I've had the best barbecue in my life a bunch. I actually don't crave it that much anymore, like at all, really. Like, once a year, I'll get a hankering for it, but I really just, you know. Yeah, it's really a feast.

It's fucked up because you're kind of down for the, the count for the rest of the day. It's kind of like drinking for me. Like if I eat like three pounds of fatty brisket, some sausage, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, don't ask me to do anything. Don't ask me to move a stove or like go outside. Don't me do dick. I'm fucked up. I kind of like it better when just a friend makes it or something. Yeah, your friend, like a, you go out there. You're not thinking about the money so much. And also it's kind of a gamble. But with brisket or whatever, even if they didn't do a very good job, it's pretty good.

I remember we were hanging out at that bar with everybody after the first L.A. show, and Bob was there. And he was talking about, like, his disdain for Trigger grills and how much he hates, like, wood pellet grills. And I was telling him, I was thinking about getting into smoking meat. And I was like, oh, I was going to get a Trigger. And he, like, was like, what? And I was like, yeah, you know, like, the ones with the app on your phone. He was like, don't. He was like, listen to me.

don't you ever do that like he's a meat guy like a brisket guy and i've seen it's apparently makes really good brisket and i heard people he's you know he's had people over his house but he was taught he got a very serious tone like i told him yeah in my spare time i like to go outside and kick all the stray cats in the street till they did he's like you don't ever do that you go charcoal i was like ah man that's you know how do i how do you smoke a piece of meat for 18 hours on charcoal you he's like yeah you stand next to it for a day and a half i was like I was like, Bob, I got shit going on. He's like, no, this is you.

One of those guys where it's like, this meat is your duty. Like, this is your, you're having people over your house. You sit in front of a fucking 200 degrees slow and low charcoal grill with that piece of meat for fucking 18 hours. I'm like, no. I think I'd literally rather kill myself than do that. I don't care about hosting that much. Coming over to Jake's house, we're having sandwiches, tap water, and fucking killer guy life. anyway

um what do i got going on i guess nothing now what was it an hour 11 that's pretty good um if you listen into this thank you like uh august 6 uh singers oh august 6th with keel pitts and you got your florida date yeah i do got my florida date um i just talked to the booker uh she should have the

uh up at alex's underground comedy but i'll put the tickets i'll put the ticket link up um August 14th, that's a Friday at 10 p.m. If you're an Orlando motherfucker and you want to come hang out, I will have Padeo time, merch for sale. And I'll be doing an hour of stand-up with my buddy Owen Gallivan, friend of the show. He'll be coming on the road with me.

I was going to bring J.T., but get this, he's having a baby that weekend. I said, hey, do you want to come do stand-up into Lauren? And he was like, I'm having my son. And I was like, tell that baby wait. Tell that baby wait. more week, let daddy go bark at the moon. He was like, no, I think I'd rather hang out with my son. And I was like, p, hang out with your son.

Why are you chewing on your toes, Hank? Hank's over here sucking on his damn feet like a baby. He freaky. Hank's over here sucking on his damn toes. He freaked out. He freaked out. He'd crash out. Hank, you freaking out on him?

Oh, I just scared him. Okay. All right, yeah, August 14th, Orlando, August 6th at Singers? Yep. And where's that at? What part of New York is it? That is in bedstay, I think. Bedstai, okay, yeah.

Go to that. Gaybar where a bunch of fucking, basically, high-profile people hang out. It's very exclusive. What time is the show? Just kidding. I don't actually don't know. There's no way to buy tickets yet or anything. Just letting people know.

Don't have a lineup or anything. I haven't really talked about it with Caleb much. It's amazing you and me have anything at all. It's so amazing, dude. People are like, hey, when's the show? I'm like, no idea. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to get tickets.

You can't. You actually can't yet. I can't. It's not on the, show's not on the website. What happened to that episode? What happened to that episode? I have no idea. It was not recorded. Something else was done with that time.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. Thomas, I noticed that you put an announcement up on Discord for everyone that the episode will be a few hours late. Looks like it does not exist. Looks like the episode that you're referring to may not. even exist in theory. But it actually does exist and it just hasn't happened yet. And it's going to happen so soon.

It's going to be so good when it happens. Yeah. All looking forward to it. I remember, I think I texted you something last week. I was like, oh, yeah. You record tonight and you were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, okay, sick. Got it all figured out, man, rest easy.

I got it at the wedding. And I was like, hey, I haven't had a chance to check Spotify. Did the episode go up? And you were like, nope. No. Congress. Congrats on the wedding. It's over.

Congratulations, brother. I didn't figure out, yeah, didn't quite figure out how to log into any of the stuff. And forgot to pack. Had to pack the whole night. And then, um, oh. It's so funny when you were like, I packed all the podcast gear. Packed 100% of it. Recorded zero minutes.

Recorded zero of anything. And then got very drunken high. He ate a lot. Just ate food, got drunk. He ate ice cream and smoked a Chinese dab pin for quite a while. Yeah. But anyway. Thank you guys for listening.

Go to patreon.com slash mandeo time. Subscribe to the show. I've got some very special guest for a video episode. I'm recording tomorrow. He is a very funny guy. And I'll leave it as a surprise for everybody when it goes up this weekend. this weekend. And then I will be, Jake, after this episode,

I will be gone for two weeks. So, Thomas, Thomas will... So that will mean four episodes that you guys will enjoy. That will be up at the exact time. On all streaming platforms. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Enjoy. Hey, Jake, it looks like you, it looks like you're in Europe. They might not show up on your end yet. Looks like you're on a plane. I don't think the episodes are going to show up on people. Jake, your text are not coming through clear. I think it's the reception. Everybody else can see the episodes, but you, by the way.

I ask. People are loving it. People are loving this. Jake, there's something happening at people are loving. They're loving it. All right, bye. Bye.