Pendejo Time - blebos family hour

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

piece of clear cake and a piece of white pie Support the show

Live some apple pie My favorite apple pie for my sweet Dessert for my sweet baby wife. I bring you a beautiful apple pie My darling's apple pie Tasting good with the flakiness of the crust My darling's apple pie, tasting good. With the flakiness of the crust. Eat a pie, you must, it's an apple pie. There's a piece of it and it's white.

It's a white apple pie, not light brown as usual. It's purely white like alabaster porcelain with a cherry crumble on top it's a white pie with apples in it and it's got cherry crumble on top cherry cherry crumble cherry crumbled have you ever seen a purely white pie? Would you eat one if it caught your eye? Have you seen a white pie? Seen a white pie? Would you eat something that didn't look like food? Would you share it with your best friend Ruth?

You would look at the pie and see it was white. And you would tell yourself, oh, the pie gave me a fright, but it's just pie. Ooh, it's apple pie. Apple pie. Sweet, sweet apple pie. With cherry on top. With a cherry, cherry rumble on top. Yes, sir.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm thinking about a purely white pie. How I wouldn't eat that. Like just like a shock white pie. All the flaky, the crust is just white. And the inside is just blood red. Come on, Jake. Get a slice of that white pie,

and when you're done, well, I'll bring you a slice of my clear cake. Don't you want a nice, delicious slice of purely white pie and then a nice, clean, crisp cut of clear cake? I had clear cake at my dog's bar mitzvah and it tasted so good. It tasted like a substance. It tasted so good to have a slice of clear parsley slice of clear cake. Sometimes cake is white inside or brown but other times it's clear. Let me be clear I'd like some cake.

I want to keep it crystal clear, just like my cake. I like dessert and my name is Jake. Jake likes dessert, he likes to eat it too. I love clear cake and I love white pie. I'm just a yummy, yummy sweet guy. Eating white cake and clear pie. On opposite day he's a scary guy. Let me serve you a dessert that's not pleasing to the eye.

It's brown steak and it's clear pie. Steak is brown I guess. Brown steak as opposed to the other type of steak. As opposed to blue steak. Or maybe even a green meat. Eating green meat with a slice of clear pie. Eating green meat with a slice of clear pie. Eating green meat with a slice of clear pie.

All blue skies in the person we by. Everyday's getting a little dry. Clear pie, brown steak, green pie. Clear steak, brown steak, green pie. Glare steak, brown steak, green pie. It's like a 50s like Dewatt band like in the booth. They're all just completely gone. Alright fellas, we're gonna lay down that track Apple Pie and we're gonna be bigger than the Beatles. So let's hear it. All right, three two one

Eat slice of pie and it's tasting good. Eat slice of pie and it's tasting good. Eat so good it's not even worth Eating something good it's tasting nice Nice nice nice nice. All right, not bad, but what color you gotta be more descriptive. It's a it's America's favorite dessert So what color is the pie? The pie is clear and it's on my lips, eating something with my fingertips. You see that pie is tasting nice. Same color as a brick of ice. It's pie. Pie pie pie pie pie. Oh my god, boys, I think we have a hit. My only problem is I've never seen a slice of clear pie in all my days, not even in the war. Is there a different color that a pie could be? Most pies I see are light brown.

Let's run that back, but I love the energy, I love the moxie. One more time, from the booth. Eating pie and the pie is white, just like all my friends tonight. Eating pie at the family style, eating pie is going well, it's pie. Clear Clear White White Pie. Alright, you know what, I don't think I understand it, but music's changing every day just like this beautiful country, so I guess we're gonna press this onto a record and Clear Clear White Pie is gonna be the biggest song since I want to hold your hand

eating brown steak with a piece of green bug eating a big old piece of meat it's blue it's green it's on my feet I like big old pie I like clear meat for you for you okay well I've never heard of clear meat but I guess I can't ask too many questions. If you would have told me that Elvis would have been the biggest thing since, well, Elvis was probably the first big thing. The biggest thing since Chuck Berry. Yeah, I think maybe. The biggest thing since I guess like a normal black blue singer that oh Glenn Miller. Yeah And his band it's crazy that that Elvis used to like they used to bring the National Guard out When he would just like shake his hips a little bit just a fucking hillbilly

We're just a little bit of swag They used to call the army out because girls were trying because girls would like had go into fucking they had manic episodes whenever people talk about bringing back like the old days I think about how oh are you talking about when they had to get the army to come to Elvis's concerts because he would do a little hip shake and girls would like cream their fucking Sunday's best is that what you're talking about mean, I guess that's different than like Cardi B or something. I guess I see what they're coming from Maybe we should go back

Me and you can be the first like 50s kind of you know, barbershop quartet do do what group group We I get two more guys or we could be all four guys You know, I mean? Yeah. His name's Thomas and my name's Jake. And here's my friend, his name is Craig. And then we got another guy, his name is Toyle. And we got chicken that we got to boil. It's a clear up a pie, thank you, Croyle.

And here's my friend Jake and here's my friend Craig. Wow. The hot new single from Jake, Craig, Toil and Tom. And you heard it here first on on on Blue Bow's Family Hour. It's 2027 and half of the country. You can't even live in it anymore because the seas have risen to the point while all port cities are underwater. Miami gone. Houston kaput. The Bay Area more like the Gray Area a lot of dead bodies but at Blue Bowes Family Hour you can listen to Clear Cake White Pie by Jake Craig Toilet-Tom. The newest thing in 21st century doo-wop. Things have gotten so bad that Istanbul has

had to change its name back to Des Moines. They've brought back the emperor. His name is not Constantine, it's just Craig. Craig the emperor of Des Moines. We brought Craig in to talk about Jake, Craig, Torlan, Tom's wonderful new doo-wop single Clear Cake White Pie. What do you got to say for yourself, Craig, Emperor of Des Moines? I think it's really good. He really likes the tune and he's going to make it the new national anthem. Yay! We've got Craig Sun here. Hello.

Craig, how you doing? Craig Sun, what's your name little boy? My name is Craig Sun. What's it like being the child of the emperor of the 21st century? I really hate it. There's nothing good in my life anymore. Craig, your boy's unhappy. What do you plan to do to increase his overall satisfaction with the life of the son of a noble?

I think I'm going to hurt him. You guys have very similar voices, almost to the point where I think you might be two boys. I hope so. Well he's my dad but we're both tiny. Sometimes a guy can be tiny and so can his son. Sometimes a daddy and a boy can both be two feet tall and they can run the whole world. Well I've never seen it but this world's a-changing quickly. Climate change has rendered half the country a barren wasteland and the other half an ice ball. Here in beautiful

Chicago, Illinois, the sun barely sets and the sky has a green hue. We've got another great song for me from Jake, Craig, Toyle, and Tom. You heard clear cake white pie and now get ready for two pair of shoes one pair of pants Just gotta get we just gotta get these boys at the booth Jake great click Jake Jake Craig toilet time get take it away I got a pair of pants. I got a pair of shoes. I got one more pair of shoes I got two pair of pants got one pair of shoes and I'm heading out to come and see you Wow pair of pants got one pair of shoes and I'm heading out to come and see you. Wow. And that's the that is the newest song by Jake Craig, Toilet Tom. Other than clear cake and white pie you've got two pair of shoes one pair of pants. That's a very short song but the people the people of the new Ottoman Empire of

Chicago Illinois really love it and the Emperor thinks it's going to be the great new big new hit. Ain't that right Emperor? Yeah, my dad really likes that song. Okay. Up next we got a song. It's called called called banana pudding. We've got one of the very first warrior people from the former state of Arizona.

They're down there eating. No. He's the warlord only simply known as Brule. Brule. No, Brule. He's traveled all the way to the free state of Chicago across barren. Free for now.

way to the free state of Chicago across barren bone dry wastelands of Arizona and New Mexico and I think Colorado is on the way there. Don't really know. Geography is not my strong suit. I am dying slowly from rapidly ionizing radiation. Brule, sing us your song of your people. Ba ba ba ba nana pie ba ba ba ba nana pudding ba ba ba banana pie tastes real good for a little guy banana pudding I like you I want to see you when you wear your shoes Bye bye bye, banana pudding I wanna kiss you when nobody's looking With the bye bye bye, banana pie

Bye bye bye, banana pudding Bye bye bye, banana pie When I see you I say bye bye bye I say hey hey hey, where's the pudding I know I hate it when nobody's looking Bye bye bye, where's the pie Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey wonderful song, Brule, from the Song of Your People, the people of the former state of Arizona now known as Brule's Land. Now, if I'm not mistaken, Brule, you were telling me before you hit the studio that this is actually your people's war song.

This is the song they sing before they enter towns and rape and pillage the townsfolk? I don't remember. You don't? I think that might be true. Yep. I'd be off them bars when we're doing battle and shit. I remember seeing black and white grainy footage of you leading a group full of the nastiest fattest motherfuckers of my eyes I've ever seen. Your bodies were spewing blue light from radiation poisoning and you were tearing the town to bits and lighting blue light from radiation poisoning and you were tearing the town to bits and lighting all the children on fire and you were singing, bye bye bye

banana pudding pie, wearing a dress and I'm a green guy. I think that's how it went. Yeah, something like that. I don't like war and I don't like fighting or singing. Art and music is transient like water, so it's not important to remember what you sing so much as how it makes you feel like that right rule. I don't know if I'd agree with that either. I'm a pretty disagreeable guy. And I'm a pretty evil, hateful man. Well, you kind of have to be if you're living south of the Evil hateful man. Well, you kind of have to be if you're living south of the of the line of torture Yeah, I actually killed a banana earlier. You killed a banana. Yeah With your mouth I

Ripped its skin off and I ate it. I Think that's what you're supposed to do to those types of that's what I do. Okay, I killed a million bananas With my mouth. Your potassium levels must be grade A, Brule. More like grade K. All right. For what? For kindergarten?

Isn't that the symbol? For potassium? Yeah, I do. Okay, I get you. Yeah, all right. I think so. That might not be true. I think you are correct.

It could be. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don all right. I think so. That might not be true. I think you are correct. It could be I really only know about nutrition through cereal. Yeah, it's a chemical element that symbols K. I was trying to remember if potassium was its own element or if it was like a compound.

Because I thought surely it's the element called K but then I thought potassium, if it is the yum it's probably got multiple chemicals in it. Well bro... Like sodium is made from salt and pepper. That's 100% true. Now I have a question for you. In your song you say I like to wear a dress with nobody's looking. I didn't say that. I do not recall saying that. Let me run the tape back. I'm bluey Armstrong because I'm blue. Yeah, I'm bluey Armstrong.

I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. I'm bluey Armstrong. like this so all the people of brooey armstrong me sasquatch does speak like

that as well I'm blue we are drunk and I'm blue you have colloidal silver poison yeah I'm blue arms week I would imagine that you don't get enough protein intake down there with us no all I eat is bananas and... People. And raw liver. Mmm. I heard it's good for you. I've been watching YouTube. They got YouTube down now?

I've been watching YouTube shorts. They've got YouTube shorts. I watch cooking tips, I watch knitting tutorials, and I don't even knit. I just find it therapeutic. I watch other people do it, and I pretend it's my hands going into the human body oh so you like to imagine I'm creating humans from thread well that's very very interesting bro yeah but anyway I don't recall ever wearing a dress in front of anybody well that's not what the song says. Right, not in front of anybody. I never wore a dress in front of anybody except for me and my... except I've never done it. Emperor, you and Brule have not seen eye to eye over land disputes. How

do you feel about Brule's wearing a dress when no one's looking? I's really really really interesting he can be so cool cruel bro let's will be my daddy call him yeah I want to I kind of want to see it you're at the well I'll have to do that for you to see it and I've never done that before And I don't even like most dresses because they fit too tight and they were and they always get snagged on my corsets So you do we had to wear steel corset every day So you have my ribs in and push my hips out For battle so you do I wear a battle corset. God, what a terrifying sight.

A big man of your stature wearing a steel corset singing, ba-ba-ba, banana pudding. I like to wear a dress where nobody's looking. And then the next thing you know, volleys of hell fire. Except for a battle dress. I wear that. But that's everybody wears a battle dress. All the people of Brewstown. A tight red battle dress. Is it made of? High cut, low cut and then high. I don't know what it's called when you show off the legs. High cut, high, it

can't be high cut, it ain't low cut. The pussy cut is high and the titties cut is low. I don't know what the fuck you call dresses. The pussy part of it is up and the titties are too low. The pussy cut is high and the tittycut is low. Now look, I'm a plain English speaker. I don't know all the French. I never learn nothing too good. The ass and pussy part is up. Oh, God damn it.

Well, BlueBow's Family Variety Hour is still coming to you live from Blue Bow Studios in beautiful Chicago, Illinois. Yeah, I... Oh, I must have like guessed off this program. I think we were just about done with you, Rue. I think that started to feel like a co-host about both things happening. Yeah, I think maybe you should just go back to Blue Bow. I don't like that he's taking up all the time.

I wanted to talk about my son's disease. Well, Emperor Greg, you can do just about anything you want. You're the emperor. I want to talk about my... I want to brag about his disease. Well what kind of disease does he have? He's got a disease called herpes. Oh, how did he get that?

He got it from animals. Greg's son... From hunting. He got it from hunting. Yeah this weird thing happens when me and my tiny father go out to the woods. We like to hunt and kill our own food but sometimes I get a little carried away. He does that because he's a good guy. I'm a good 38 year old son of a tiny man. I'm 39. A lot of people wonder how that's even biologically possible. It's because we're creatures.

We're creatures. We're not normal men. We're not cats. You can get a cat pregnant super early. It's super easy to have sex with a cat. No, I don't mean that. I mean, if you're like me and you actually responsibly breed cats,

if you responsibly breed feral cats constantly in your neighbor's yard. I've made over a million cats out of thin air. He's been kind of causing a small ecological disaster. I don't feed any of them they gotta eat each other. They eat each other and they eat all the local birds. Yeah all the endangered ones. The red-breasted booby, the yellow-breasted booby, the blue booby. Yeah we-breasted booby, the blue booby. Yeah, and they eat all the endangered mouses. The red mouse, the yellow mouse, the clear mouse. I saw a feral cat eat a clear mouse and he turned translucent.

Not all the way clear. We live in a very strange and surreal world that is spiritually corrosive to all those who inhabit it. Yeah, alright, I'm gonna leave this program. Me too, I feel like some people might be kind of their voices hurt real bad. Yeah, they don't feel good to do them. Yeah, some people like they're doing a live show in a few hours and if they lose their voice it could be kind of catastrophic some guys have to do half an hour stand up Yeah, so you're probably on this anyway. Thank you for listening to blue bows variety hour I really appreciate that now can we finally get to what we've been meaning to talk about yeah, of course Yo the parties in Chi town

They go so crazy Yo, I never thought we'd be treated like gods like every time I come to this city every time I come here Everybody comes up to me and they're like, oh my god Are you the guy from TV and I'm like maybe and then we do shots we get fucking wrecked we get crazy I always end up with a crazy as awesome free tattoo. Mm-hmm I've been ended up with sick- ass tribal tattoo since we got up here. I'm wearing my Chicago snapback. Yeah, we saw Michael M.J. Michael M.J.

Yeah, we did see. Yeah. Mm hmm. I love seeing that guy. Every time I'm in Chattanooga, I check in with Michael Jordan and the rest of the bulls. Yeah, Dennis Rodman, Scotty Pippen, Scotty Pippen Scotty Pippen We know sports I know exactly who was on that team Who's still who's on the Bulls now? I don't even I have no idea man. I don't watch basketball

I Don't think I've ever watched a full game of basketball my fucking life. That's okay Man, I feel like I should I feel like I know and I don't I don't know. Enter passcode. Who is on the Chicago Bulls? Chicago Bulls players. Chicago. Oh Zach Levine all right. This is a Jewish guy? I don't know. Man they got torn up by the Celtics Josh giddy he's the one who was talking to the teenage girl, and then nothing happened oh Yeah, he was yeah, he was like texting a 16 year old or something no he like he like slept with a teenager That's cool. Whatever but um I

Think they were like at a club or something where like you definitely had to be 21 to get it I think she like got in with a fake ID or something Yeah, but didn't he kind of like wasn't he cheeky about the whole thing a little bit? I don't know thinking of him or I'm thinking of a college player that like slept with a teenage girl when it came out He tried to do the like oh, I'm gonna. I'm getting canceled now thing It might have been a college basketball might have been a college person cuz I think he just ignored it Okay, which also is like, you know, not great, not great, but also like, there's no way to deny something like even if you didn't do it, there's no way to deny something about

that. And then people are like, oh, he said he didn't do it. Yeah. Kind of just has to get disproven by someone who's not you. Right. Yes. 100 percent. Yeah. The court of public opinion kind of goes that way. Yeah. Because if you're like, I didn't know. Why don't you know what this is about? That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Then, you know, when it comes to being a millionaire athlete and like sex stuff, you kind of are guilty until proven innocent. Yeah. Which is just kind of crazy because it's crazy the stuff that we get away with and they can't. Yeah. Well,

podcast podcast is privilege. you know what I mean? Jesus Christ I'm just messing around No, um Man, that's why I love Connors approach With the way so this is this is this is he made a big thread about it When he got like chart like guilty in the civil court. He made his big long talk on her Yeah, I thought you were saying When he got like guilty in the civil court, he made his big long tweet. Oh, Conor. McGregor. Yeah, yeah.

I thought you were saying Conor O'Malley. No, no, no, no. I was like, what? Friend of the, not really friend of the show, but not enemy either. I would love to meet you one day, man. You're very funny. What am I thinking?

Oh yeah, so in a thread, he was like, he casually copped to like two other instances where something similar happened and that they didn't ever make it to court. Oh, McGregor did? Yeah, he was like, well, what about these two? And everybody was like, these two what? Like, what are you talking about?

Big time swag, though. What a fucking, oh, I was already talking about him in the last episode, but what was I going to say? I don't remember. Dude, that was a cool show last night shout out to Everybody at Cole's open mic that was very very fun And I had a good time also big respect to bars still have $4 Miller Highlife's like

It's a dying breed of place Every place I go to now Miller Highlife is $6 and you have to just accept that that's the fucking reality now price of egg going up Donald Trump's in office Ain't that right Tom? Yeah, I think I paid like nine bucks for a Modelo recently Yeah, New York. I think so what? You should move to like a place where nothing happens and

You kind of just have to like be a lumberjack. There's no art or culture. Yeah. Because there the beer's probably like a nickel. Yeah, I think if a few bad things happen to me, I could see myself moving out in the middle of nowhere and then wanting attention and moving back. Yeah, like you have a manic episode. Yeah. You move to like Grant's Passport.

Nobody's paying attention to me over here. Everybody's leaving me alone. Yeah. Nobody's coming to visit me in rural Oregon. Dude, I've had the thought of like, well, I used to tell Ashley. I was like hey If anything else bad happens to me, I think I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna leave And I'm gonna like you know like I'm just gonna. I'm gonna be gone like I'm just gonna fucking I might

I'm not you know kill myself now, but I probably just disappeared. She was like Well bad stuff is continuously happening to you like a lot, and you't yet. So I was like a good idea. She's like also To your point Thomas. I was like, he's like, I don't think you could just like not be in a place where you could like Do stay you know what? I mean, like I like I would I would be I would be out there in Oregon for like two weeks I would be I'd be trying to live the movie in my head where you're just like whittling And you live in an apartment above like a fucking textile mill and you're just reading old books And then you're like this is gay. Nobody is I don't have anybody around to do characters at I don't have anybody to bother Like if everything in my life imploded and I moved to fucking rural, Oregon. Yeah after two weeks

I'm like you guys don't have open mics and fucking weed, California You guys don't have any fucking you guys don't any comedy shows out here and fucking Frog balls, Arkansas Nobody's giving me a thing As I could never be a serial killer, you know you'd get caught immediately Yeah, I would tell people at work What did you do this weekend? I'll be honest man. I ended a life. I took a life this weekend. Oh That's funny, bro. I feel pretty bad about it. I killed a lady I

Would kill a man though you'd be a serial killer straight man if you if you target gay guys You know it's like that stuff Well, you know people start getting ideas Mm-hmm That's tough. Well, you know, people start getting ideas. Mm hmm. It's true. Yeah, you know, everybody assumed that Jeffrey Dahmer was gay just because he had sex with all those guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just assume he was a gay guy because he did gay stuff.

But yeah. Why do you think he did it? Do you think he had like some sort of disease? He's probably bored. Yeah. Probably did it do you think he had like some sort of disease? He's probably bored yeah Not a lot to do and what was he from Wisconsin I Read uh I mean like he was always as a kid like fascinated with like dead animals and stuff I Think his dad showed him how to like strip skin Off of like squirrel bodies

Just just father-son activities off of like squirrel bodies. Just father-son activities. Well I think his dad had a career where that was something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had to do. He was a squirrel molester. For the university. Yeah, squirrel destroyer.

Yeah, I fucking kill squirrels and rip them into pieces and melt them down for a living. I think it all started because my dad was a, you know, he was a squirrel destroyer for the university and he taught me how to destroy their bodies when I was just a little boy. I don't remember how But I don't remember how he talks Dahmer He kind of sounds like Joe para whatever that accent is and Midwest Up there in the fucking pocket cold pocket of the world Do you think he sucks them off before you killed them do I think Jeffrey Dahmer sucked the guy's penis before he poisoned them

Yeah, or do you think it was like I mean he was do you think he just got his I? Think he was probably if he was fucking their dead bodies. I would imagine he was fucking their live bodies No, I know but I meant like do you think he was a generous lover before he killed them no I? Think a lot of it was probably the torture But I'm not I would imagine that he probably wasn't Being fucked you know what I mean? Are you Googling it? He's looking at pictures of him.

He looks awesome. Yeah, he was a pretty cool looking guy! Jeffrey Dahmer, six. Don't Google that, man. By the way, Thomas has refused to get a new phone and he just uses a wireless charger that charges his phone 1% per hour. Yep. Which is incredible. Part of my camera fell off too.

So there's glass. Exposed glass. Yeah. Pretty awesome. It's pretty sick. Here's the headline. Woman Luris, man with sex before murder, Mexican Jeffrey Dahmer. Now there's a character.

Now there's a character. Thomas, you want to walk that one out the barn? I think everybody at home can do their own version. That one's just too easy. Yeah, yeah, you don't have to walk that guy down there. Yeah, I mean if you're in your car right now or whatever, just go ahead. All right, we'll give you 10 seconds to do Mexican Jeffrey Dahmer, either in your car or in your headphones at work. Ready?

It's 30, we're at 31 minutes and 50 seconds. Here's 10 seconds. Oh, that was good. Nah, keep doing it. Okay, that's enough. Good job. Yeah, good job. All right, it's out of your system now.

Yeah. I know you guys are waiting to do that. You guys said, God, I've heard all this clear pie and white cake talk, and all I really want to do is Mexican Jeffrey Dahmer. How about a Mexican Ted Bundy and he asks the women for help moving furniture, and then they actually have to move it. He doesn't kill them? No, they just have to work 15 hours.

You get paid $80 in cash at the end of it Yeah They're bondy Bondy oh my gosh Me you see it's okay to do mentioned Ted Bundy cuz it's less homophobic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think Ted apparently Ted I feel like motherfuckers in the 70s were just uglier because everybody called him a heartthrob And you look at pictures of him he looks like every Dommer was a stud no he wasn't Dude, you know look at pictures of one without the glasses on he looked like a dead-end fucking evil cocksucker. No no

I'll push back on that one Jeffrey Dommer you're right. I literally just looked up Jeffrey Dommer. You're calling him a stone-cold stunner without his glasses. That's a good angle. Yeah, that's that's a good angle of him. Yeah, he's got There's a cheekbone thing going on. Yeah, I could see that Yeah, I mean I'm not I wouldn't have been interested especially due to his murderous nature Yeah, you wouldn't want him to suck on you or nothing. I'll look up Ted Bundy He doesn't really look all that good, but he was I think he like Now I'm thinking of Dennis Rader

I do think Bundy was fucking in prison, but Dennis Rader had a kid while he was locked up And then she started a tick-tock account and she was like I'm the beat I'm BTK daughter and everybody was like what and then she just Didn't have any cool skills or talents. That was just the only thing I think she Was known for as being the daughter of buying torture kill What about BTK Ae and it's and he at the end he just he eats with you and eat and he gives you like a nice strudel or perhaps a bottle

Boclava To the Bundy wasn't ugly It just didn't seem like an a-list man. There was all this shit going around and he was a sexy motherfucker He didn't really seem all that sexy to me, but also I'm a pretty poor judge of character If you're a girl listening to this, I think we've got seven girls Sound off in the comments if you would have sex with BTK. No, I meant Ted Bundy. Oh, Ted Bundy.

Why is the club emailing me? What does the club want? It's probably about chicken or whatever. Oh yeah. Yeah, BTK definitely looks like a serial killer. He looks like a stud.. He looks like a stud. Yeah. He's fine too. Oh yeah.

Everything good? Yeah, everything's fine. It's just tech rider stuff. Okay, well we don't have to worry about that right now. Tech tonight and taxes. Oh yeah, we gotta do fucking. Yeah, that's fine. Sex, sex on the beach, two people in love.

Sex, sex in the sand you better wear your glove. Is that an actual song? No, no, no. I would never have sex on the beach. I don't like going. I don't even really like the beach. No, no, no, no. I think about it. I really hate it. I like the beach. I like walking around like having a brew ski. A nice cold one? A nice cold one. I go out in the water.

I just float. Dig holes in the sand? I don't. You don't do that? I don't disturb the terrain much. I have the kind of stereotypical male impulse to dig a big hole when I get out there. And to look for seashells and various treasures. Dude, when I was a kid, I straight up thought

that I was gonna find a buried treasure chest when I would go to Galveston. Like in my mind, I was like, I can change my family's life. I can solve all of our problems if I can just find an old wooden chest with a lot of rubies and jewels and gems in it and gold coins. So sometimes I would be at the beach in the the shallow end and I would be like surely no one

somebody just missed one you know what I mean? Like right and so if I walk around the Strand and Galveston along the seawall with kind of the heroin needles and the razor blades and the knives and the 22 shell casings and the 9 millimeter shell casings and the human shit and blood and piss and calm and Kind of you know hooker leg then eventually I will find what is this? What is a chest filled with Ruby's gems and gold coins absolutely precious metals? Yeah, turns out never found one people don't just typically leave that type of stuff lying around and so Yeah, it was unfortunate it was an unfortunate set of circumstances. I bet a lot of people have done like because in like

Mississippi and Louisiana and stuff there was a lot of like bootlegger yeah stuff going on wouldn't be surprised if there's some stuff that ended up in the ocean or whatever around there. Well you can find old bottles of like white lightning and shit for sure. Like in the foothills and stuff. People find them a lot actually. And uh... I meant like money stash. Oh like old, like old. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you find dollars from like the 20th century can you use that? I don't know what I mean like 1998. I mean like shit from like the 20th century can you use that? I don't know mean like 1998 I mean like shit from like 1902 the dollars were different I don't think they're I can't imagine they're still in circulation. I mean they would still be usable but I would assume they wouldn't be in good enough condition to use. Maybe yeah. Like for the most part but I could be wrong. My dad's... I mean the US dollar is a US dollar though. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true my dad's family like some of them were like moonshiners and

But they didn't they weren't like the cool ones that were like selling to the mafia when they came into town they mostly just Kind of got high off their own supply, so they would just boil a bunch of it up, and then just go blind Kill each other and stuff Which is cool. I like that type of shit. I can get down with that. You ever had moonshine, like real moonshine? No, no, I don't think so. It's pretty terrible. It's pretty dog shit. I drank some when I was in Washington. We were at this little mountain fake Bavarian town called Leavenworth. If you've got a wife and you're looking for a cool cute like vacation that the girls will really like Leavenworth it's pretty cool. It's like out of like a Hallmark movie. Kind of looks like Whiterun and Skyrim a little bit. Turns out though it's

right next to where a bunch of Native Americans lived and used to live and so they'll come down there. They don't want to do you harm or anything they just want to sell you moonshine that they make It's right next to where a bunch of Native Americans lived and used to live and so they'll come down there They don't want to do you harm or anything They just want to sell you moonshine that they make and I had to get some it was Apple brandy And it made me fucking drunk immediately I can one second and it made my eyes hurt really bad And it just had chunks of like gray apple floating in it like brownish like clearly he was like I'm gonna make this one fancy and so he put apple chunks in it but at that point you're just putting apples and like rubbing alcohol and so he uh just had this big jar of it and he was like

do you want to try this and I was like what is it he was like it's apple moonshine I was like oh cool man he's like yeah I come down from the OMAC res and I sell it to white people like you. And I was like, oh cool, what does it taste like? And he was like, it's really good. And I was like, dude, I of course want to drink moonshine with a real Native American. That's like, what an incredible opportunity, you know what I mean? And he says it's good, and why would he ever lie to me? You know, it's not like there's any history between our two people where he would betray

me as a gag and tell me that it's good and then tell me that it doesn't hurt or anything like that. Like, he wouldn't do anything like that to me. Or at least so I thought. And of course, you know, he hands me the jar and I open it and my eyes immediately begin creating water. And then I smell it and like my brain burns and then I take a big pull out of it because I thought well maybe it just

hurts my eye if it hurts my eyes and the mucous membranes in my nose it's probably really good for the inside of my body right right and so I took a huge swig and I got a little chunk of the soft brownish gray apple that he put in there I guess for taste or maybe for aesthetics and oh boy was it such a delicious treat. It was so good and I was Thomas I had had about eight beers before that and a couple shots and Thomas immediately I was sick. I was immediately the drunkest I've ever been in my life and I felt a pain in my upper right abdomen, I think where my liver and my pancreas are. And I said, wow, this is really good.

And he said, thank you, I make it in the hills of this mountain that we live in. And I said, wow, what a, I was like, how do you make it? And he goes, I put a lot of chopped up apples and sugar and yeast and water from the river into a big pot. And then I just kind of leave it there for a long time and then it creates this beautiful gray brown liquid that you just drank that's doing amazing things to the inside of your body. And then we sat there and we changed smoke cigarettes and basically drank the whole thing and then he tried to just give me another small jar of it and my beautiful fiance said

do not buy that from him because we have to go on a plane tomorrow and you cannot drink moonshine before you get on an airplane. And I said, why? And she said, well, because right now you can't talk and you can't speak and you're telling me that you're having trouble like seeing straight. And I was like, but that's just a part of the Native American experience. You know what I mean? That's just a part of drinking with a, a drinking with a Pie pit member of the world, you know anyway

Dude, he got into an argument with a Boston guy a Boston Irish guy. We ran into at the bar He they were really drunk and they were smoking and the guy sir the Native American dude was just like Yeah, you know this used to be like a Just a place where we'd come swimming the river not me. He was younger. He's like, you know, this used to be like a just a place where we'd come swimming the river. Not me. He was younger. He's like, you know, my grandparents and great grandparents, because the town, the fake Bavarian town, I think was built in the 60s. It looks old, but they like it's like Disneyland for like people who watch. It's completely fake.

And the guy was like, yeah, yeah, you know, we're Irish. So yeah, you know, they were we I understand you. And the guy was like, what is like, yeah, you know, Boston, Irish. So yeah, you know, they were we I understand you. And the guy was like, what is like, yeah, you know, Boston, Irish, we got a long history. The we were mistreated pretty badly also. And the guy was like, no, well, come on, man.

And the guy was like, what do you mean? Now we got here and they and they, you know, they fucking they they made us work in the bars and they barely paid us. And you know, we were indentured servants. And I'm watching the dude like, and I'm standing next to him and I'm like trying to interject. I'm like, yeah, well, you know, that's not entirely true. And the guy's like, looking at me and look at him and he's like, yeah, you know, all I'm saying is, man, I understand you a Native American where you're coming from because I'm Irish and I get it and the guy was like

I'm gonna fucking he was getting really mad which did it's like there is obviously an ocean of those two peoples, right? you know or whatever but Shout out to that guy. He doesn't listen to the show neither of them do well the Boston guy might he probably doesn't Maybe the Native American guy does I'd like I'd like that the Native American Podcasting over 80% of our listeners live on reservations, which I think is cool. I would have you ever been on a rez No, I've just driven through mm-hmm me too. I know I've gambled it a couple Indian casino I think I actually stopped at one and got some like souvenirs when I was driving through like the southwest like in Arizona yeah like the Navajo areas you know I how many there's so I feel there's so many Navajo people there's

not as many as there used to be no No, but I mean like in terms of... Oh, like there are the more... Like in terms of tribal numbers. I feel like there were so many Navajo businesses when I was driving through New Mexico and Arizona. I know that's where all the reservations are, but I'm curious as to how many actual people are left. I don't know. It seems like they're one of the more like organized Yeah, Cherokee Navajo, and I think I like when we were up when we went through the road trip up to the Northeast I think we like pastor Algonquin. Maybe I could be wrong

But uh I've definitely lost a bunch of money in Indian casinos so shouts out to those guys They understand the plight and the sort of the hole that exists in the spirit of your average white southerner. Well, we can't fill it with enough stuff. God didn't fill it. The Ford King Ranch didn't fill it. The Lake House didn't fill it. And opiates absolutely do not fill it, as it turns out, so we gotta go lose a bunch of money on racist slot machines I love that sound do you think that's a sipping? No, it's a jackhammer. I think they're

Yeah I think no, I think they're remote. I think they're getting the tile up in a bathroom. Oh Thomas is looking like Rain Man. He's got his like the the the the the the

the the the the the the the hundred thousand members of the tribe. Oh, okay, yeah, they're doing pretty good. So it's like the biggest tribe numbers wise. And that's actually the most there have ever been. Man, that's not funny. That's not funny, dude.

Yeah, you're crazy. Yeah, that's crazy stuff. How could you say that? It's easy. Time is, everybody wants to say enough. you're in a place that you have a job. I'm just about to say where you work. Um you can be a normal guy. You can have a

big pie. It's for you guys. You keep wondering why we keep doing this pie thing from since we've gotten to the Airbnb and then since we woke it woke up this morning singing big piece of apple pie for just I don't know. It's just it's nice. It's just It feels good. It feels like you like to try an apple pie

All day we've been doing this shit. Oh my goodness. Oh Boy, oh creepy This is sleepiest you've ever been and did you sleep really good after you were Sleepiest I ever been and did you sleep really good after you were? Sleepiest I've ever been would probably be like the day after a really long fun adventure I would go on for some times in my life, maybe a 3-5 day adventure. You meet a lot of interesting characters, lots of side quests and at the end of the adventure you have to do what's called an auto an auto save and it's where you sleep for two days?

And then you know you you save your progress and nice you get to keep your job and stuff That's probably the sleepiest it. I've been I've been very sleepy in my life like a lot. I guess Yeah, what about you probably when I was tired? Yeah, like bedtime mm-hmm 1030 living oh I'm tired. Probably when I, yeah. Like bedtime? Mm-hmm, right about 10, 10, 30, 11. Oh, whenever I get home from going out and I get sleepy, then that's when I'm really tired and it's time to go to bed.

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel you. Yeah. I like dope. I hate sleeping. I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel like I'm just kinda like speeding towards death. So lately I haven't been doing like much sleeping.

And it's been awesome. It's been like good for kinda like. It's important to be awake so you can do stuff like look at your phone. Yeah, look at your phone. Think about like stuff, you know, that like went wrong or whatever, or things that might, that could go wrong later.

Cause that's the best thing about life is like it's not over You know what I mean? Like so much more bad stuff can happen good stuff can happen too, but you know I mean that's You know yeah, what do you think the best thing that'll ever happen to you is probably already happened You know I mean Probably like already probably I just didn't take I just took it for granted or something Maybe being a father like if I ever want to be a dad or getting married You think being a father would be the best part. I think I'm supposed to say that but probably not

Trying to think of the best thing that's ever happened to me Probably whenever they had the $5 Chalupa box as a Taco Bell dude I was that was up there for me. That's a good era. Yeah That What else? What's the Nick Kroll show? The Nick Kroll show? The Nick Kroll show with the cartoons?

Oh, Big Mouth. Yeah, probably season one of Big Mouth when that came out. I'm just watching that on loop over and over again. That Steven Universe, Rick and Morty. Midnight Gospel. Yeah. Yeah. Now the best thing that ever happened to me, I think is yet to come. I guess it depends on what best means for you, you know? Purely a subjective thing. No, I think it can be objective. I think for just about everybody it's having enough money to purely subjective thing no i think you can be objective i think for just about everybody it's having enough money to pay your bills

and to maybe raise a family last few years have been pretty fucking solid for me on the same yeah yeah yeah well yeah you like now and you have success I mean your life sucks ass Yeah, now you don't you don't get to do that I Mean like you can say this year was good You could you could definitively say that 2020 and 2021 not bad, and then you could you could say 2023

Pretty pretty okay, and you could say 2024 had a lot of road bumps, but overall but 2022 was pretty tough And I can't think of anything that went wrong in your life, man Fucking lucky son of a bad damn man. You're fucking yeah. God just gave you a good back, dude I remember looking back. I threw everything in God. I wish those me Jake's life Yeah, I Remember thinking God I wish those me Yeah I told you when I when I bought the van and I had it for like two months and the first time the engine exploded Oh, there wasn't a second time fingers crossed knock on wood But the engine exploded and my brother was living with me and I got it towed like fucking it 60 miles

I was in the Austin gym spots and I I get towed back to San Marcos. And this is my own brother saying that he's drunk as a day as long as a back patio smoking cigarettes. And I walk in and I was like, well, the van exploded. And he was like, what? No. And I was like, yeah, dude, it's done. He was like, dude, how?

And I was like, I don't know. I guess the guy sold me like an engine. Like I guess the engine was hot, whatever, it was fucked up. And he's sitting there, he's drinking beer. He's like, dude dude your life fucking sucks I was like, what do you mean? He was like dude? I grew up with you. We had the same life your life fucking still sucks And I was like, no, I've got somebody's like dude. You have a lot of great He's like there's no end of the spectrum. There's no middle spectrum for you

You have incredibly awesome things in your life and life is just straight dog shit. No And I was like, no, dude, I'm not throwing myself a pity party. And he is like, I'm literally throwing you one right now. I say, I was like, well, you shared most of the events of my life. And he was like, yeah, no, I mean, mine, mine shit, too. But like, dude, you're just you're telling me you bought a car. And then two months later, the engine exploded. Unlike the year anniversary of our dad dying, basically. I was like, yeah, he was like.

So anyway, it's all about perseverance, though. It's all about how this is all going to make you a stronger woman whenever my plan is for years complete. I like the idea that we just a woman, I got so locked into what I was gonna say I was I was trying to think of like a like a stupid Meaningful response to that but yeah one day. I'm gonna be a beautiful woman. That's the plan all along for big for Thomas And y'all out there

Get on our discord. We'll show you how to get down Yeah, no, I mean I think It's funny. I mean things are gonna get real bad you know things are gonna get real real bad for both of us, but You know there's always good stuff along the way we're in Chicago. We're doing live show sold out. I'll take that. Oh, I mean, that's all temporary You got to really think about how this disparity I want you to think about around the world like It's not all sold out Chicago. You know Most of it is just a lot of suffering a

Lot of people walking around with their teeth hanging out right now. Yeah addicted You know you're gonna suffer a lot I Know my and you're gonna go through things you can't get through It's gonna be too much for you to bear. I don't know if you can handle this life. That's ahead of you Jake I if you can handle this life that's ahead of you Jake. I don't think it's gonna make you stronger either. I think it's gonna slowly weaken you. That's what I was gonna say dude. This idea that kind of permeates so much of what you'd call male culture where it's like

struggle like iron sharpener, iron brother like struggle like the hot fire Forges steel. It's like no dude pain and suffering may has made me like an insufferable Loser in a lot of aspects. I think I'm okay But just think but at large think about a guy who just got dealt the worst hand is he like a noble of spirit man Or is he just kind of this bitter, terrified, angry bastard? For me in most cases it's the latter, it's not the former. But there's this idea of like, well, you know, pain is going to make you strong. It's going to make you a good person. It's going to make you treat people better. It's going to make you be grateful of good things in your life. And in my experience, I think that is a huge

load of horse shit. Most guys I know who life was dog shit. They have currently dog shit lives and they're mad as fuck that they ever had to just be here at all. You know what I mean? They're not like there's not this kind of stoic stoicism, you know, fucking through the fire comes a strong man shit through the fire comes a huge piece of shit And he wants to hurt you he wants to hurt you and he wants to do bad things to your mind and your spirit And your body too

Yeah, yeah, I Kind of get why you know Oh, I'm okay. Thank you Jake just pulled one of his balls out through his jeans offered it to him I'm gonna for me to taste it. I really don't want that right now I Get what people get you know tired of being around, but you know at the end of the day Life is about getting as famous as you possibly can 100% Taking advantage of that Until it goes we're getting everybody who's ever helped you. Yeah. Mm-hmm leaving everybody in the dust 100%

Yes, and then and then going down our blaze of glory when whenever it turns out that That people can take screenshots on snapchat, you know I mean? That's what it's all about. Yeah, yeah, life. People forget, man, that you know, it's not about the relationships you make, it's not about being grateful to be able to experience anything at all, be it good or bad.

If you accept the possibility or the truth of the matter that there is nothing after you die, then then suffering is a gift you know what I mean Just just the just the being able to suffer as a gift, but Don't forget sometimes You can people will screenshot the stuff that you say to them on Instagram Yeah, and I'll know me and they'll post it And it'll be cool stuff like damn. I'm I'm fucking loving your rocking body. I Want I want to put my hands all over that you're back in your bones

And I want to put them on your knees too. You know I mean yeah Don't be so quick to walk away This to me. I want wanna rock your body, please stay, dance with me That's what I be saying to people Don't be so quick to eat some Lay's, eat chips with me, I wanna eat a bowl of yummy chips and it's tasty Don't eat those chips from Chick-fil-A do they even have chips? they taste good

in barbeque I got a bag of chips from Chick-fil-A do they even have chips? they don't have no chips just your, filet. I don't eat their chips. They are not tasting good. We eat something else that will taste so good. Because I've been eating food, and I

like the different tubes. Don't be so quick to eat a fish from Chick-fil-A. The only subject here and there's no other meat. Sometimes they have sausage. I get the salmon salad. Chick-fil-A. It came with us some chips and some steak. As a side. Can I get the salmon salad with the rib with the side of ribeye, please? some chips and some steak

Can I get the salmon salad with the rib with the side of rib eye, please? Can I get the fantastic salad with the side of amazing steak in a glass of champagne? This is me and you finally rich. We just have no idea how to ask for stuff I know there's a really fancy restaurant, so I want to make sure that I'm speaking the language. Can I get Just a perfect steak cooked medium awesome with a side of just deliciously soft and perfectly yummy mashed potatoes and a wonderful and amazing glass of champagne could have 11 buttery lobsters with a side of steaks and shrimps and could I also have a salad for a drink? Could I have a wonderful basket of your most crispy and light brown french fries drizzled with delicious salt and then can I also have one bubbly soda that

served in a perfectly cold glass? I'll have the fantastic white milk with brown and dark brown cookie cooked medium. I would absolutely love just a nice tall glass of drinkable beer. And then when you could, if you could, when you come back, no rush though,

if you could bring me 18 to 25 perfectly sizzled shrimps. For the girl, she'll have the fantastic flowers and Could I have the amazing burger with two buns mm-hmm and half a piece of cheese and Ground meat yeah, yeah have the meat ground on that burger. And then for dessert, I did again. You make it like a paste. Could you grind it up again into more of like a slurry? If you don't mind. I could I have slurried meat to do?

Could I have the burger cooked and then run through the meat grinder again? Don't wash it. Don't wash the burger, please. Or I don't want to wash the meat grinder, but run the burger, please sir. I don't want my don't wash the meat grinder but run the cooked burger through Good I have brown slurry with a with the side of yellow grease and then a tasty cup of wonderful sink water, please Thank you If you're listening to this that means that this is a free episode and you are one of the first motherfuckers ever to win a Million dollars in your life and everything's gonna work out for you Go to patreon.com slash pendejo time toss us one dollar get access to the discord and nothing else five bucks get you

Access to a whole backlog of premium episodes. Oh my god. Please don't tell me we have an ad read Please don't tell me we have an ad read do we have an ad read? 120 To three no that's next week, huh yeah Uh, one twenty two three. No, that's next week, huh? Yeah. Yeah, that's next week. Uh, yeah, ten bucks a month to get you access to video episodes and fifty bucks a month

you don't get anything extra. Um, you can just be nice to us. Um, if you're, this is a last minute call to all of my Iowa penis men. Um, come on down to beautiful Cedar Rapids at the Ideal Theater Saturday. Take us to Matt Van Wert.com. Open up for my buddy Matt. Thomas, what are you doing? What are

you doing? You pulling on it? Uh I don't have anything lined up right now. Alrighty. Uh thank you guys. Love you. Bye bye.