Pendejo Time - blues clue detective

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

wed skittle gween skittle. its all the same Mawty 

Devin and Connor in town So I'm gonna maybe go hang out with them later and listen to Devin Ask me like you know So what are you how are you what do you what do you do now? Yeah I love when we hang out. He's like so you are you um Ben tells me like uh you make uh youtube commercials

for ladies uh Ladies, Pussy Doctor? Like, no, Columbo, that's not it. Sorry, bud. But it's good to see you. Nice to see you, Devin Costa of the Hate Watch and Lemon Party podcast. Anyway, what's up? Dude, I went to Kerrville, Texas last night.

Actually, I went to Ingram, Texas. For, um... For an occasion in which I will maintain close to my heart. Not for any particularly weird reason. It's just nothing nobody needs to know about. But I had a really good idea. I said, let's get seafood in Ingram, Texas, which is a town that is mostly known for a lot of people die out there

and they get murdered by tweakers. Usually, that's pretty much you go out there. It's kind of like the weed California of Texas. It's in a flood plain and a place where natives considered mostly cursed. And then a bunch of Germans said, no, I think we'll set up here. And then it gets flooded pretty much every rain, every wet season. And a lot of people die. A lot of the videos and pictures you see of old ladies with their houses floating downriver,

they actually come from that area. So I went there and had some seafood last night. And I don't know if you can believe this, Thomas, I got immediately got sick. I don't think the cooks were particularly too clean back there. I think they were fucking the fish in the ass. I think they were having sex with. Yeah, blue crab bucket jamming their ass at the top of the bucket. If I had to guess, if I had to fucking bet a wager, I would imagine.

What was the specific dish you ordered so we can get a full picture? because if it's, you know, if it's a chicken tenders and fried shrimp situation, that's, you know. So I got boo-dan balls. That's probably the safest. Oh, budan balls. And then I got a crawfish et-to-so-so-crow-fish po-boy. But I could get a little, I get a little changer rule on the side. I got a little et-to-fei.

Which, like, it's hard as fuck to fuck up a crawfish po-boy. So whatever was in there that made me. sick was probably just like lack of sanitation. You know what I imagine? Oh, also. Update on the situation of the drain. The entire kitchen flooded at the restaurant downstairs. And now there's grease,

an old nasty gray sludge bubbling up from the sewer area in the parking lot of the apartments. And I was out there and I was just watching it like, and I was like, yo, if this thing blows up and like creates a sinkhole and kills everybody, but me, I'm going to have so much money. Yeah,

I don't know if you've ever been in proximity to something where you're watching it. You've worked. You definitely have. You've told me you work, blue collar work. You're ever in proximity to something where you go, oh, man, if this goes off and I don't die,

daddy is free and clear. Daddy is funny. Daddy is never touching another lever. It sounds as the only hope you have in your life. Yes, dude. Maybe I'll get hurt real bad. Yes, dude. I remember one time at the old plastics plant,

they had one of those extendable ladders. And then on top of that, they had placed one of those like little like two foot step ladders on top. of it and they were like telling me to go up there and uh and take to pull serial numbers off of these inventory these boxes so i could give them to the intake people so we could put them on trucks and ship them out it was like a where was warehouse jobs and i was up there on they had stacked ladders which is one of those things in the safety meetings they're like i don't want to see y'all boys stacking ladders now and like just anyway i was up there and i was like I was looking down and it was like a 40 foot drop.

I was not tied off. I was like, okay, if I just lean a little bit and I land on my hip, I could probably walk with a limp for the rest of my life. But I don't have any drugs in my system. And I don't have any alcohol in my system. And they asked me to do something unsafe. And I've got it. I've got it. I recorded it on my phone on voice memos.

So if I just fall 45 feet. onto concrete in this fucking warehouse that smells like wood chips and dog piss then maybe i can get paid out like 580 thousand dollars a year for the rest of my life and never walk again and maybe like never fuck again but like who care like who really honestly who gives a fuck about that like who gives you shit at all like i was fat too so i would hit that fucking ground all 280

270 pounds of me would have hit that motherfucker oh man fuck yeah that way you hit terminal velocity after like 10 feet

yeah anything over 250 not muscular if it's just 250 fucking burgers you're just you're not even you don't have

uh latch to like fucking do a do with like a wing spread you're just hitting the ground like a fucking bolt bowl dude yeah it's just like yeah you might as well

just throw food on the ground at that point you're mostly food yeah throw a wet hamburger on the ground yeah yeah man there were so many times I like especially when I was roofing

they clean you up and it smells like Thanksgiving yeah it's just like a grease bat at the back of a McDonald's they're like oh especially roofing like working and I was working for a family owned company which is one of my favorite

uh terms That means we don't, don't ever ask about safety, anything about, I love working for a family-owned company, which means I'm going to get yelled at by a guy that my dad knows. And he's going to ask me to do something that 50-50, I could die, or I could make $120 that day for the whole day's work. 50% chance break both my legs. 50% chance, $120. That's the bet. Those are the best. And being up there on a Texas roof, you don't know how hot shingles can get.

And just like, just like, you have to just choose between like burning your forearms or just falling off the roof. Like, it's just like, just like bracing yourself on the shingle to like and then just fucking like, oh wow, I'm getting like for like actual first degree burns like on my arms. But if I like don't, if I don't brace myself properly, I'm just going to roll off this roof. and then as my neck is breaking a bunch of Guatemalans Mexicans and El Salvadorans are going to call me a fag which is just

that's not, you know. I remember being a plumber's apprentice for exactly two days. I remember you telling me about this, and my jeans got so wet they were just completely stuck to my body. Yeah.

And I took off my shirt because I was up in an attic doing pipe insulation and they immediately stopped working and asked if I was gay. And they said, well, we accidentally hired a gay guy one time. So we do have to ask. And at my head, I was like, I don't think you do have to ask. And also, how do you accidentally hire a gay guy? That would imply that sometimes you hire them on purpose.

Like there's another end of the spectrum. There was a... Yeah, also, oh no, a gay plumber. probably the first one, you know, like Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, they didn't like, they, they said, oh, you can take a 30 minute, between 30 minutes and an hour for your lunch.

So my first two days, I took one hour. And it turned out it was a trick. Turn out they took 30 minute lunches. They brought their lunch. Meek. I went out of the town. I went to Taco Casa. It was my first time making $120 in a day,

so I bought two drinks at Taco Casa, I remember. Man. That first time you make $100 a day, you're like, yo, get like me, dude. I had made $100, and once I went up to $1.20, I thought, oh, yeah. Here we go. Y'all don't even know who I am, dude. You don't know who I am. I quit this other job for this.

Got fired immediately. I think on Labor Day, too. I got fired on Labor Day. I said, hey, what are we doing tomorrow? My boss said, hey, you don't work here. I said, all right, awesome. Called my other boss. Then they called me Thomas the Plummer for like a year.

We were putting in the pink insulation in an attic one time, and the guy who I worked for, who was just somebody that my dad knew, he gave me like, you know, a hundred bucks a day to basically, like, almost die, which is fine. His nephew was on the job for, like, a week. He quit. When you're installing insulation in an attic in Texas in the middle of the summer,

like the attic is like 140. It's like 130. Yeah. You know. And I had enough wherewithal to know what pink insulation is. It's fiberglass. So I'm in there with my gloves. I've got long sleeves on.

I actually have like a hoodie on too. And you just do with the heat. You work for 30 minutes. You go down. You get a drink of water. You cool off. go back up. That's when you're working in an attic in the summer in Texas is what you do. Or at least that's the rundown I was given.

This dumb motherfucker dude, we're up there in the attic. And he has like all his shit on. He's like, it's hot. I don't know why all these fucking layers on. I don't know what he thought pink insulation was if he just thought it was like pink cotton. I don't know. He's retarded. Bro, he took his shirt off and his shit and he was like, he was, you know, fucking like,

one of those guys, any excuse to take his shirt off, he would take. it like if it's like 74 degrees and there's no breeze he's like that's hot and then we just take your shirt off i mean you know he's you know some guys are just jacked and they can do that and you want to shoot them because you're like fuck i'll never ever you know no i'll never i won't ever be like that in my life i don't have the discipline anyway we used to be like that and i would look fucking disgusting you know i would just take my shirt off and people would get really uncomfortable i'd be like man it's hot and then i would like flop out of my shirt yeah i did the i'd like i'd like lay on the ground and roll out of my shirt

I would have reverse body dysmorphia where it's like actually I look good when it's like I don't really look that guy. I look okay, but not like crazy. And then I'm just like, yeah, I'm going to, yeah, hold on. Let me, let me, oh, it's hot. And it's like February 24th. You know, it's not that hot at all. Anyway, we were handing him the insulation and we were like, hey, man, this is fiberglass, strands. It's very fine.

It's finer than your pores are. It will go in your skin. And it's very difficult to come out. hurt to come out hurt skin, hurt body he's like yeah I don't know what y'all be talking about you'll be talking about some crazy shit

it's hot as fucking here so we were like fucking I don't care I'm not getting paid enough to tell this guy that he's handling fiberglass so like after about 45 minutes he's just red and swollen like on his chest and like his forearms where he was carrying the shit

he's like yo what the fuck like there's something up here and we were like yeah fiberglass insulation you fucking we're all laughing at him because we tried like we tried to talk to some sense into him at first and he wouldn't listen to her like fuck it I don't have the patience for this

it's hot just get back to work and uh anyway he like uh quit like the next day because he had to go to I don't think he went to the hospital I think he just laid in bed and like pulled insulation out of his skin for like a couple days as far as I know which is hilarious it just

you don't even we had smartphones man like you couldn't Google like hey is it safe to handle fiberglass insulation with bare skin I guess Safe to fuck Pink foam and wall

Safe to fuck Pitbull outside I found on the ground It's safe to get in monkey enclosure When it's hungry Ow Hank quit fucking around dude I know you've been cooped up all day

But I can't do a goddamn thing about it Dad's been working He heard you talk about fucking a pit bull He says All right my turn He says dad where's my pit bull pussy at? Man, they sniffed this motherfucker's nuts too early.

I think that's why he's all fucking retarded. Yeah, they did that to my cousin. They cut his nuts too early. Yeah. Supposed to wait until he was six months, but they did it right when he was born. The more that I think about it, the more that I'm like, yeah,

if I have a kid and it's a boy, I can't in good faith circumcise the boy. I can't do it. I'd probably leave uncircumcised, butt castrated. So you'd go penis, no balls. Penis, no balls. Foreskin, no balls.

Care to elaborate on that, or is this just like a... It's to remove the testicles and... Wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. Wouldn't have to wipe them off after you shit. You know how you're always shitting on your balls? Whenever you put them up your own ass. Um, no. That way you would have a longer taint also.

And you could put stuff in... You could install other equipment there if you want. Like imagine penis and pussy, but no balls. You could fit that in that stretch. You could fit a vagina below the penis if you remove the balls, but leave the penis. Okay. Or you could go double butthole. Yeah, that one sounds pretty good to me.

You know what? I would go remove balls, remove penis, triple butthole. remove balls, remove penis I would go remove balls remove penis tighten the ass and then the front of my shit is just Ken doll

it's just nothing it's just it's like bone smooth also I would lose weight so it would just be the pelvic bone and I would get laser hair removal so I just have I don't even necessarily I'm not even

I'm not talking about a trans surgery what I'm talking about is just straight up fucking skin and bone and they're like, what's going on what's going on with that guy?

And it's like, no one knows. Jake's a different type of fucking guy. You don't want to talk to that guy. Yeah, I'd also probably

get my toes fused together like a duck. Yeah. Hank, chill the fuck out, dog. And I would get painful moles

installed on my back in arms. I already have those. I have to get them looked at every six months. Yeah, I definitely need

to see a specialist, but, I also need to see an E&T and my health insurance only covers one specialist visit per year. So I found this out. So I can either get this mole removed or breathe. You know that if you have a primary care physician, they can remove them if you ask. I don't have one. Oh, okay, never mind.

Okay. I don't know. I don't know how to get one. You just go find a doctor that's in your network. and then ask them to be my main bitch literally yeah you kind of like at you kind of are like yo do you want to be my main piece of a you want to be my main doctor because i've got two doctors i or three doctors i have brain doctor i have heart doctor and then i have general doctor mm um my brain doctor doctor

for the military general doctor that's general doctor to you sir about face face medicine that is Do you think that video of Pete Hegs said Benchon 315 is real? No, it is not real. I don't think it's real. And I think, and here's the thing, if it was 225, I would believe it. Yeah, I would believe if it was 225. I don't think he's a weak guy. Yeah, I don't think he's a, however.

I don't think he's a freak neither. And to me, there are a lot of guys who can throw up 315. I'm not one of them. There are a lot of guys. There are a lot of guys who can make that look easy, and they're just kind of randomly, just kind of randomly distributed throughout the population. Do I think that the secretary of defense is one of those guys?

I'm not super sold on that. You know, that doesn't really make sense to me. Um, you typically those guys are either like, just big and they have muscle you can't see or some of them are like the high school power lifting type where they're like, they just got strength that just comes from God or whatever. You know what I mean? Um, and I, I feel like Pete Higgseth is one of those guys who's probably worked out consistently throughout his life, right? But that kind of, with his sides, that kind of leaves you with like a maintenance throwing around weight of like probably around 225. Well, he's an alcoholic.

That's going to diminish your gains quite a bit. But I saw that video and I was like... He's tall though, right? He's like my height. He's like 6'1. Yeah, that's so, you know... That's not nothing crazy. There's not anything crazy, but, you know, that means his weight is probably over 200.

I think I think First of all I made this point online And some people were trying to tell me But the bar didn't react like it would With 315 on it In my opinion

I know there's different kinds of bars But Even with like 250 on a bar You'll see a little bit of a Of a bow Just a tiny You know you'll see a little jiggle to it

I think he I think he didn't lift that much weight And I would probably imagine that Even if I could do that I'm not doing it with a hundred guys there Yeah and it was bumper plates too Which just pissed me off It was I was just like

You don't gotta Like everybody knows What a bumper plate is man Like we don't Like you're making it look more like what it is I mean if it's true it's impressive That's cool I'm still walking you like a dog I still don't think you can fight

I stand by my words that Nobody in the current administration could whip my ass. And that's not a tough guy thing. That's actually more of an indictment on the admin. Because back in the day, like, you know, shit. I mean, the, like the main Bolsheviks. Like some of those dudes were Stone Cold. Fuck, even some of the guys in the fucking top brass of the totem cop, the goddamn SS.

Some of them dudes were World War I, Stone Cold Killers, man. Nobody in the current admin, business, commerce, military intelligence, or otherwise could whip my ass. I've looked at the roster And I'm no Billy badass I'm just a hobbyist I'm just a hobbyist kickboxer And it really pisses me off When I go and I look at the fucking roster

I take a look at the roster And I'm like not every one of these guys Is telling me a different way I gotta live And nobody can whip my ass I'm taking Stephen Miller To the fucking To church I'm taking Stephen

I'm taking Stephen Miller into waters he's never even seen before. I'm taking Steve Bannon to the middle of the fucking Beltway in Houston, and I'm fucking his ass. Raw. There's only been one impressive video of a politician working out

ever. And it was Jamal Bowman three years ago. I don't know if you recall. I don't. Congressman. He put up 405 for three on camera. On bench?

On bench. That's crazy, dude. That, for, in politician terms, if they had, you know, if he'd been in office at the time, if they'd been able to, you know, send him over like a paratrooper

on Epstein's Island and he just fucking tears everybody apart. Yeah. That would have been a beautiful thing. But 4.05 for three is, and he's like 50 also. I was going to say, Jesse Ventura was the governor of Minnesota, and that motherfucker was yoked.

Yeah, that's true. He wasn't yoked while he was in office. He was a wrestler. Yeah, but still, I mean, he could probably do 315 now. Yeah, you think it's 70? Probably still, yeah. Yeah. Like, for one, and then he needs to get surgery after, you know what I mean?

Yeah, he has to go to the doctor forever after. But those old guys, if those old guys dream of being in a gym and they have like a grand Torino situation where like a group of young guys is like Hey old time Or I bet you can't throw up this And he's back in my day I used to those days are behind me

You guys enjoy your workout And they say Wham wow you old Kodge You You go back to kicking your can Down the highway old Man

Time old man's father time Uh huh He says, you know what? Give me that weight. And he lifts it up and his whole body breaks. And but he locks out. He goes home and he wakes, he dies next morning. Wakes up in that.

Every old man dreams of being challenged in the gym and having one last ounce of strength in them. And in reality, you are less strong than Steve will do it. stronger than you. The Supreme Patty, the guy who used to do the prank videos on Instagram, he is stronger than you. Every young guy is stronger than you. PFT commenter probably even.

Because you are old and whenever I become old, I will become very weak and I will shit my pants all the time. And that is the beauty of this thing we call life is you lose everything you ever get. It's a zero-sum game. You become strong. to become weak so you can know what loss truly is

that's all we'll ever have and it's the same with you know it's the same with Patreon and everything like that we we were born to lose and

you know we think we're we think we're Mr. Crabb we think we're the big boss sometimes we're a SpongeBob but he's the star too so who knows

who knows who we I don't know who I know I've lost all. I don't love them. They're actually sad. But the cavalier nature with which, like, Ronnie Coleman now, like, when he's in interviews, people will be like, how are you getting around these days? And he's like, oh, you know, our thing hurt.

I don't walk good. You know everything hurt? I don't move good. I don't really get up out of bed. Good. And they'll be like, was it worth it? And he's like, well, yeah. It's like, I'm like, you know what?

Fucking play taps, dude. like salute you brother. I was, I was watching that video earlier of him leg pressing 2300 pounds. I just thinking like, dude, what did you, were you thinking when you were in your prime,

were you thinking that your bones were just going to let you leg press 2300 pounds and squat 800 pounds and deadlift 900 pounds? Like, what was the thinking behind that? I guess you just, don't because I I happen to know

a couple friends who have been on lots of the gear this house and when I ask them they're like no you don't think about any of that I'm like you don't think about like it hurt and it's like yeah you don't mean

you don't know you just think about how fucking awesome you look and awesome you feel and you want to fuck little holes in the ground and you're fucking crazy and you think everybody's trying to kill you and I was like oh sick that sounds awesome that's badass i don't think i'll be trying any of that but yeah dude i've been i mean i have to because it's for work but i've been running every morning

yeah and it's crazy i mean running in calicillicinics it's crazy how fast that shit changes your body like i know like lifting does change you or whatever but like i've been lifting for a long time and i have not been undergoing any of that you this you know i mean i feel like lifting is just a slow slow build like you just do it to do it but past a certain point you're not seeing like crazy progress you know what i mean like you should still i still encourage people to do it but like dude literally just like going for a short run and just doing like fucking pushups and jumping jacks and shit i feel like i'm made out of like barbed wire it's only been like two weeks yeah i've been back doing white tie for like two months

I feel that way. I lost like 10 pounds. But I cycle through, man. Like I go through these stages. I think it's a part of being bipolar or something. But like, right now I'm in my, I'm in monk mode where I'm like not really drinking alcohol. Don't really want to know anything about any type of drug. I'm sleeping like eight, nine hours a night.

I'm training two, three hours a day because I'm able to do that. and I'm lucky and blessed to be able to do that. And I'm lifting weights. And I'm fucking sparring every day. And I'm like, dude, I'm fucking carved out of fucking stone, dude. I'm made a fucking, I'm made a fucking obsidian. I'm made of fucking evil green glasses. I'm made of fucking gyms.

Whereas like four months ago, I was like, ooh, sweet little pink bread, sweet little chocolate bread, late night sweet bread sweet chocolate bread nine beers nine beers in sleeping on the couch and making your girlfriend mad at you for sleeping on the couch

little pink pig little pink pig ten beers watching true detective and good fellas for the 50th time on the couch fat late night pizza and that's cool too but those are like the state i don't have any

I'm not able to be one or the other I'm only, I'm not, or sorry, I'm not able to be some mixture of the two. I'm only able to be fat as pink pig in the pen or fucking Max Katie in Cape Fear minus, of course, the rape and the killing. You know, mostly just like, like very focused on my mental and physical fortitude to crush my perceived enemies, which are mostly just debt collectors, which would probably be pretty easy to crush if I wanted to. we just keep it a stack. I don't think any of the guys who work at Capital One customer service can fight. Yeah.

I've been getting around 50 phone calls a day this last week, and I think that means something good it's about to happen. I think that means you're about to become into more money. Yep, I think. I think that means somebody. And it happened as soon as the Chinese New Year hit. So you're the horse. You're the horse.

You're the... The year of the win. I think it's, when you start getting a lot of calls and they're like, hi, we're from capital management solutions. And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That means no. I won't be. We're not doing any of that.

Apparently this is the year of the fire horse. Yo, what does that mean? it's a it's only one in every 60 years apparently is that good this year yeah

uh this year promises major changes uh high risk high reward opportunities and require strong direct action that's cool fire horse you know i don't really believe in this either

but it's less gay than um than the other zodiacs the Chinese zodiac uh you know it feels like um they can kind of know what they're doing a little bit. Assigning everybody an animal instead of a sign, I like that a lot.

Yeah. Because, you know, oh, you're a Libra. You're like a scale. That's not cool to me. Yeah. Oh, you're, oh, yeah, you're fucking Sagittarius. That's too many letters. Nobody's going to look up what the fuck that means. You know what a rabbit is? Hell yeah, I do. And I can look that up.

I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really fucking, I'm one of those sticks in the mud, man. The astrology shit pisses me off. And there's a friend who exists in the group who she, uh, she'll be like, oh, that's such a Pisces thing. You're such, you're like, you're like the Pisces. And then I'll go and read Pisces and it's like, uh, Pisces are basically fucking gay guys. or serial killers. And so I'm like, first of all, I'm not a gay guy. Second of all, never killed anybody in my life, serially, or even one time.

So what the fuck are you talking about with this dumb shit? And they're like, oh, those Pisces are sensitive. And Pisces are, you know, water signs. So they're like, uh, they understand everybody. I don't fucking understand anybody anymore. I talk to people and I'm like, what the fuck are you talking? talking about and sensitive I'm fucking mad all the time mad I don't know if that's sensitive but fuck I'll be mad as hell be fucking the lady in front of me at fucking H-EB will be like

I had the coupon for the cube cheese but I got the shredded cheese and I'm like yo I could fucking knockout game this old bitch and run out the door and probably get at least to New Bronsville's before anybody figured out what happened, which is only 15 minutes down the goddamn road, but... Yeah, did you know I'm ruled by Venus? I just looked it up. Yeah, and I have a deep love for beauty, fashion, and art, and I'm often possessing refined taste.

Wait, what's your... What are you? Are you Virgo? Libra. Oh, you're Libra? Oh, I don't even know what that means, but none of those things describe you as I know you. It says, impatient, indecisive, insensitive, complainer, manipulative.

Oh my God, dude, I can barely read. That's a regular word. See how fucking harder it was for me to read the word manipulative. That's how I know you're not manipulative. You don't even know how to say the fucking word. Codependent, self-indulgent, easily influenced. Hesitant, escapist, gossipy, gullible, fragile, fearful, selfish and sulky.

You're the least gossipy guy I know. you're a little sulky I wouldn't call you gullible um I did get scammed on WhatsApp in Oklahoma City trying to buy bushweed a few months ago so I will

we'll go with gollable that's all right yeah insensitive not me yeah who wrote this some fucking dumb orphan you care about

I care about everybody that's how I know it's a classic male friendship of like of like I know that you're not a gossip and I know that that it

insensitive is the wrong word I am a gossip at work and it's I've been getting into that recently because I've gotten so so bored or whatever I just switched teams recently but I was spreading a lot of

I started spreading rumors and stuff I got really bored and started like sewing kind of seeds of discontent and stuff. And then I just dipped. But I remember like one of my coworkers was like, yeah, I'm actually, I requested to switch to your, like, team or whatever, you know. And I was like, oh, that's awesome. You haven't any, like, issues with the other team, like, any problems with anybody or anything like that? like anything going on

like um it's negative you know what I mean or I remember um like one of my coworkers called out on Halloween the night

the day after Halloween this year and I told everybody he went trick or treating I told everybody that he let me know that he was going to be out trick or treating so he might not be in which is a funny rumor

spread about a 57 year old man but somebody had to do it. I, uh, oh, I, uh, um, how was it a buddy's place the other day? We were all hanging out and, uh, uh, actually it was like, I, I guess more of, this guy is more of a friend of a friend. I don't know him all that well.

Um, but, uh, he's kind of like friend group B or whatever, as people say. and uh i uh i went into his bathroom to use the restroom and all of his soap and all of his shampoo which was like on the shower on toilet next to the toilet it was all war themed uh and i never really put the two together of i was we went me and this guy it's not like we were not getting along but we our energies were not our spirits were like oil and water i did I straight up did not fuck with him And I wanted him to get AIDS and die

And I could tell that he Found my Kind of whiny, bitchy, Angry, arrogant nature To be the same for him He didn't care for it But I did find it funny That I was in there washing my hands

With naval warfare soap The soap called like Naval Supremacy And then I looked at the shampoo And it was called like Marine Mist Ocean Spray Seal or something this guy

I know this guy works in tech sales I think it's very funny when guys have soaps and all the sense are war related and I don't even know

how first of all I had no friends who were in the Navy and as far as I know Navy ships smell like salt water come male come male butt

and then male vomit and piss and then like ramen noodles they don't smell like whatever the fuck it is second of all I don't know what it means

if to be a grown man to be a grown man and to be like I have to buy war-related scents I got to I'm ready for war man it's time to get more discipline I better to use marine soap

the most disciplined guys on planet her. Man, I got, I'm addicted to pornography. I better, man, I better start using a different soap. My life's fallen apart. I better start acting like a Marine. That's something you do after you

check off to a porn star with braces or something, you know what I mean? He had something happen that... Every Marine I know his life is absolute dog shit. I'm sorry. I don't I just, no disrespect to the honored troops. I don't know one. I All my friends that went to the Marines are like,

their lives are falling the fuck apart. And really the same for the Navy. And the Army. Yeah, nobody I know that joining the military is doing good. I don't have any friends to join the Air Force. I don't have friends that smart. I know people who got in and got out and are, you know, taking advantage of the business loans and stuff like that.

But, yeah, I mean, a lifelong military career. probably not what you want um although you know i will say every once in a while i meet a guy who's like 50 and he's been retired for like 10 years oh yeah because he if you join when you're like 20 and you do something that's like not doesn't ruin your life or whatever like you can just do your 20 years and retire like if you're like a tug tug boat captain or something and then like yeah every once while you meet one of those guys it's like damn i don't i don't didn't even think that was a path in life and they're like yep i i work part-time my home depo for fun now and it's like oh my god that's awesome yeah it's like they're like the fucking dinsel

and the equalizer or whatever like yes yep i know one of those his name his name's brad he owns a couple bars down um uh in the hill country he was at the in the same masters of philosophy program i was and uh he was an instructor at army ranger school he had gotten his ranger tab but like never deployed with the Rangers. And he was just really good at, like, teach. I didn't even know this is something you could do. You could, like, join the special forces, but not to go blow up and kill people, but to teach other guys.

You were so good at the school part that you teach other guys or whatever. And he retired full everything at, like, 38, 39. And then he was just getting his master's in philosophy for fun. Can you retire way earlier if it's, like, like a super high risk or whatever job like that he was yeah even the training if i recall like i i knew i worked with a guy who he was like a trainer of some kind um i want to say in the with like aircraft or whatever and it was like a pretty dangerous job from what i understood like um i only know that this guy retired early because he was uh

like to be an instructor at our at the ranger school is like pretty prestigious and uh his knees were also pretty fucked up from he had jumped out of an airplane like 10,000 times so he had gotten that but uh almost everybody else I know I'd say about 98% of the guys I know they went to the Marines they're like uh they mostly hang out at Lola's in Houston and they'd punch each other in the head and they lose their guns at the bar the Marines at least you have to pass a you you have to do well enough on the ASVAB to where you're not completely stupid, right? No, Marines are the ones where you can, like, if you, if you don't write your name in the right spot, they'll be like, yeah, come on. Marines are the ones that you go, like, that's the crayon.

No, no, the Army, you can get like a 24 on the ASVAB and join the army. The Marines, you have to at least be like 60th percentile or something like that. I don't think so. As far as all I know. No, no, I took the ASVAP. I know. Oh, you took the ASVAC. Yeah. With the Marines, with the Marines, you have to be higher than... The Marines are harder to get into than a lot of the other... I thought it was just that their boot camp was the hardest, but in terms of the test... No, they don't just let anybody in to the Marines. I mean, like, with the...

To be like an Army grunt is not difficult at all. You can be very dumb and do that. But, um... I know my dad... Like a lot of the, I mean, not that you can... you can do, I think you can do stuff within any branch that's like smart person stuff, right? Like they all have like engineers and stuff like that. But, um, it's kind of crazy that the guys who end up being like the guys that kill people,

not always, but like, goddamn, I can't imagine being in my own home country. Being in my, being in my house with a gun I'm allowed to have. and I get fucking drained by like an 85 IQ Mexican from Corpus Christi I would be so I would be going to fucking Muslim heaven and I'd be fucking pissed

just some fucking just some fucking guy dumb Edgar haircut guy who just fucking I ain't got nothing going on and fucking McAllen except fucking my cousin and how that well I can say that because white people

fuck their cousins too I don't want nobody getting mad at me But I found out not too long ago That sometimes Mexican guys be fucking their cousins And I got mad I got mad at my friend Who used to make fun of me For being from cousin fucker country

And for being white And for being white And then I come to find out sometimes prima Sometimes Mexican guys be fucking on their cousins Being full knowing Full knowing their cousins So if you're Hispanic out there And you've ever fucked your cousin

Swag on out That's fine with me. Actually, I don't. Yeah, they do love. I will say a lot of Mexican guys love to tell you that they have hot cousins without you bringing up cousins at all. Yep. And that's not my favorite. Yeah, they do love to do that.

It's a common, I found out it's not a common. I won't say common. But it is a thing that happens in large Mexican families where, as you, are sexually exploring your young adult life, sometimes that exploration comes with someone who's like a second cousin. Do you? And that kind of made me mad. As a white trash,

I mean, that's probably most of the world, honestly. Well, I was certified inbred paperwork. I don't, you know, actually,

it's not certified. It's a potential, it is a potential possibility. But, um, It's a hard thing to get into. Anyway. Oh, I was going to tell you, I got Grandpa lore for my mom.

We were hanging, my mom came into town for this thing. I always had heard the story that my grandpa had hired, my grandpa knew a lot of shady characters. He lived in Chicago in New York for a while, and he was a bookie. in Chicago in New York and was accidentally a one time loaned a guy some money who ended up being

like associated with Chicago outfit this was in a long many many many years ago when the mob still mattered or whatever anyway I found out from my mom that I always knew that my granddad had paid a guy that he knew named Marshall

to beat my dad with a baseball bat not to kill him, but to beat him up pretty bad for knocking my mom up. And then my mom told me, actually, it wasn't my grandpa that made that call. It was my grandma, my meemaw, who, like, watched Golden Girls

and, like, sat on her couch all day and petted her little poodle. And don't look at me. Like, don't... No, she's just sitting petting her poodle. I mean, that's normal. You're not a pass the time, you know? Don't know.

I was immediately like, I saw your eyes. I, dude, I love doing this show. I love how long we've been doing it because I, sometimes, sometimes I'm like, man, the glimmer in Thomas's eye is gone. And then sometimes it's just, oh, it's right there. Sometimes it just I'll catch the light She sits and plays with her poodle

I mean She's dead now But yeah She was the one that Tried to pay a guy To beat my dad to death And my mom told me that And I was kind of surprised

Because I used to watch Matlock with my memo I didn't know she was capable With something like that But she is She is from Borgor Or she was from Borgor Amarilla area

And And my grandpa was he knew a lot of dangerous guys so I guess it made sense the guy did not end up beating my dad to death obviously my dad died much later

to different circumstances but there's a funny story to hear I did not know The magic bullet Oh the guy just didn't show up Which is hilarious Which is just hilarious

Just hilarious Just an absolute fucking hilarious state of affairs to be paid and to be told to beat up a guy by an old. Well, I guess she wouldn't have been old at that time.

And then to just not show up on the day of the job. Part of me wonders if the guy, like, got a look at my dad and was just, like, drove off. You know? It was just like, man. That looks like tough work. That looks like... Like, if somebody pays you to beat somebody up, this is the early 90s. and you roll up on a guy and he's like a buck 20 soaking wet you're like

200 bucks easy money uh or you roll up on a guy who has uh denim shorts on cut off there used to be jeans now they're cut off he has no underwear on the base of his dick is out his ass is out he's about 250 lean and uh he's eating beef jerky and he's punching the trying to punch the window of his own truck out because he locked his keys in his truck like you know Are you going to take that hit? Like, are you going to, are you just going to take the money and keep driving down to 610? I don't know.

You know, me personally, I try to put myself in the shoes of the guy who I guess I think my family, some people in my family tried to pay to beat up my dad when they found out that he knocked my mom up and was bailing. But, yeah, I think about being the guy. I think about being that guy rolling up on my dad and then just being like, nah. that guy looks like he might eat my bite my nose off or you know like he like he might start eating my fingers

like you know you get a guy on the ground and you're like I'm winning this fight and then he just starts like you know what I mean he just starts chewing on the inside of your palm like a fucking like a pork crackling yeah yeah that'll do it anyway fuck

we're so one of our best ticklers out there. Turned out the guy wasn't ticklish. We sent one of those guys. Put pieces of candy out and stuff to make him come over and start eating the candy and maybe make him laugh. As soon as we put our fingers in on his armpits, started trying to tickle, he didn't make a noise.

Made a fiery face instead. That's how we knew. This couldn't be easy. So we came back to his hotel room that night with a feather. We tried tickle him with that. We tickle his, try to tickle his feet. He just frowned instead of laughing. He was eating nimm-and-hams by a handful.

So we had our moms come pick us up. Blues clue, detective. We had our moms come pick us up. It's Marty and Rustin did the yellow. We tied them up with Twizzlers. The yellow and red tiny Tykes car. We're looking for a guy about four feet tall, eight years old. which is maybe

tall for an eight-year-old, I have no idea his favorite colors blue and he's wanted because he there was a drawing of a ladybug that I go and he stole it we're looking to get that drawing back in one piece of possible

let's make the Tonka-Twork a place of silent being quiet okay all these skittos taste the same. Wet, pink, blue. Wad pink, blue. Time is

flat circle like a Skittle. All these baby dames who taste is same, no matter what. We have a web

like twizzlers. We're just all here stuck on this big milk dirt called earth. You think you get a green

in minima you think maybe it'll be like an apple in the apple chocolate. No, same.

Same as the green one. Same as the orange. It's too sour. for me. I can eat the purple words but the green ones is too sour.

Too sour. My family's been here a long too. Too sour, one out too. It's kind of eat it. The fucking Yellow King he's on one of those John Deere baby tractors. It's like in the middle of street. My family

been here a long time. A long time. Like the one did you get from Walmart? The fucking little like Fucking electric motor one My family Marty walking past a candy store

Right after he's renewed his vows with his wife God damn it He walks back in He's giving Valentine's candy to another Girl Like another Oh thank you Marty Marty you have to tell me

Did he give candy to another girl I know Skittled I gave him candy to what? He gave a red skittal, he gave a red skittal do a different girl, gave a yellow skiddle do a different girl,

what's the matter? You gave candy to my wife. I like, I like candy with my wife. I like candy. What do you think you're doing here? Returning to candy. I like candy with my wife.

I like candy. Candy's wet. Can it's wet like a fire truck. Uh, glue detective. Oh my God, yeah, there we go. Oh, that hurt. Come the yellow laffy-taffy. Levin turtle?

Turtle like snapping turtle? Snickers invented bite size to create the things that it would eat. Telling the detectives. I need you guys to go give me some Mars, Maybe some snickers, nothing snooty. You know, 100 pieces of skittles, 100 M&Ms. 500 peanut ms, 200 peanut butter emmns. 100 Nordropes.

I would appreciate it. I would hustle up on that. Four. I would like darts. The liquid drops. I would also enjoy snow caps. And some. Circus Peanuts.

I'm going to get that shit for Halloween next year, Halloween. I'm going to have out of the bag, unpackaged circus peanuts, snow caps, junior mints, all mixed together in a big hot bowl for everybody. Then you know what I don't like also? Reese's pieces. not for me. Like the little M&M size wooden? Yeah. They're not bad, but you know what it is?

They just leave something to be desired. Yeah, it's like you want the whole cup. You don't want the piece. You know they change the formula for Reese's. Yeah, it's less chocolate, more peanut butter, ain't it? It's like none of the ingredients are exactly the same. Oh, okay. It's like, because I had, I read an article about it.

But I had a few Reese's at Halloween this last year. I don't normally buy Reese's, you know, for myself. But I had a few cups and I thought, man, I'm still fat ass. Like, this is still good. But this is literally not this. It doesn't taste like peanut butter anymore. You know what I mean? Like, it just doesn't taste it.

And they've like, apparently like the, the Reese's air is like accusing the company of, like, changing the formula for cheaper ingredients. Miss Reese or Mr. Reese or whatever the fuck? Yeah, his last name was literally Reese. That's cool. Yo, imagine being born into a candy empire. It would be dope. Dude, I used to, on the,

the Wrigley family used to have a farm and pester. Yeah. It was on my way to school. I would pass, and they had a little Wrigley brand on their ranch. I found out through my lovely fiancé that

before she started dating me she went on a date with the other son of Rob Reiner not the one that did the deed but the other guy and I found that to be particularly not funny but first of all

you probably should have stayed with that guy and not to say that I'm not you know more fit I'm a great guy you know I'm a catch in the sense that, you know, I think I'm a pretty good dude, but in terms of sheer life trajectory, probably, you know, probably could have, you know, you find out your girlfriend dated like a, like somebody who could have, like, before you, maybe a couple of boyfriends before you who could have given her an incredible life. Not really a nice feeling. I don't know if any men in the, who listen can understand that. That's not a good feeling.

You find out, you find out, you find out, you're being a downgrade. in some ways is not great. But it does, but also it does make you think, how fucking mean is every other guy? Right, yeah, that's, yeah, yeah, yeah. How much of a dick is every other guy. How annoying. How annoying.

Because other than I'm, I am genuinely, uh, nice and everything. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it in terms of what I'm re. I'm nice and impatient. Yeah. That's it. Yeah.

That's, I don't. I'm not really like particularly handsome in a way that matters. I don't really have like a life changing way. You know what I mean? Yeah. To we're like, you know, like there's some people who are so attractive that like if you see them being a cashier or something,

you're like, what? Yeah, you're like, everybody's like, what is he, what is she doing here working here? If either of us is behind the counter at Best Buy,

nobody's going to be like, oh my God, why are you working here? Yeah. They're going to know immediately. what the fucking deal is. Yep. They're gonna, yep.

Drugs. That guy loves drugs and money problems. Opiates and girls who smell like crayons. That's kind of who he hangs out with. Yeah. It's always nice

if you're a fellow listening to this. You usually find out about a year in. Y'all are bullshit and about some exes and, you know, you get, she'll say like,

oh yeah, you know, he's to hang out with this guy or something. I think he was one of Tony Hawk's kids. Not that that happened. to me. That did happen to a friend of mine that I do know.

But anyway. Wow, that was a good one. It was. Yeah, that one came from the deep, deep lung. Yeah. You've been sick or you're all right? I had the flu, but I had a, I got like a chest. Like, I think I got like bronchitis after the flu.

That sucks. And, uh, coughed up a little bit of blood, but that's normal. Yeah, it could just be from the action of coughing If somebody you shake your shit It wasn't a crazy amount It's funny that like doctors will tell you Coughing or pooping There is an acceptable amount of blood

That you literally no need to worry about None whatsoever A doctor will tell you if you cough And there's like a little bit of blood Absolutely no problem That's just like an abrasion you get from hacking up And then you know A little bit of blood in your poop

Hey sometimes You poop too hard or sometimes you wipe too hard and that stuff happens. And then there becomes an unacceptable amount of blood in your cough or your poop, which means you have to immediately go find out you're dying, which is kind of crazy and is kind of, it's not funny, but it is funny that there is like an acceptable amount of red. Let's just call it red.

Let's take all the fluids. A little bit of red in your vomit, as far as I understand, usually not good no matter how much it is even a little bit is usually bad a little bit of red in your cough like 5% red is the threshold anything over that

probably bad little bit of red in your poop 2% red probably the threshold maybe 3 I got a controversial tick okay 20% okay but here's the thing is

is that you pissed brown for what four months not exclusively but a lot of it was black a lot of it was black dude i'm not gonna lie i really that was a i loved that shit dude that was so funny

every time i pissed i was sitting videos to people there was a few there was like a few months where i was like yo is this guy gonna die i i i everybody was like do you have rabdo yeah yeah yeah i I think it was just from climbing too much.

Yeah, I mean, I remember you telling me, you were like, I think the harness cut my shit up or something. But it is funny that it just went away. But you know who else that happened to? My brother. My brother just, he was just texting me. He was like, dude, I'm pissing bright red, fresh blood. Fucking strawberry fields red.

Stry as far as the eye can see, tiptoeing in the goddamn poolips red blood. And then he stopped drinking three red bulls a day. and it went away. Oh yeah, that was another thing is I went to a urologist or whatever and they were like, you've had, it looks like you've probably had kidney stones your whole adult life.

And it made me realize that I do, I was tearing up when I peed a lot, but I wasn't thinking about it as a painful thing. But it was. Yeah. Like, because a lot of times when I pee during the day, it was like in the back of a chip truck or in somebody's yard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't really see it. And it was, one thing I had noticed is that it would leave a foam, like, not just like, oh, it fizzes up, you know, but like there would just be foam there when I was done.

Yeah. And I thought that was maybe not what you're looking for is to pee foam, but. Yeah. Yeah. For a long time, I don't think I had a non-carbonated piss for years. Yeah, sometimes I'll piss and it'll be a lot of foam. But I think some of it, too, is if you pee super hard in the toilet, which I like to do. Yeah, I love a certain.

It makes air bubbles in there. That shit is so fun because I know I won't be able to do it when I get old because I'll probably have a lot of scrotum piercings and bindings and stuff that make it hard to pee. I'll probably be sounding a lot. Yeah, I probably won't be doing anything normal. I'm going to have a catheter leading to my own ass, so... I actually have to fucking get the fuck out of here, because I got to go... Oh, it's okay.

I got to go hang out with... Some of your famous friends. I got to go... Yeah, I'm going to go hang out with some guys who... Who make more money than me, and I'm going to try to kill them and take their money. It would be so funny to rob Devin Costa. I don't think he would care.

I think he'd probably let you shoot him. I think Connor McNutt would probably put up a fight, probably put up a good one. I think if I would be really, he would be really sassy about it. Connor? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah. He would be like, you're robbing me. You're robbing me. Oh, sure. Great.

Yeah. Devin would probably just be like, oh, well, you could take it. I don't care. That's, that's fine.

There's nothing. You know, anyway, thanks for listening to this show. Please go to patreon. com slash Pendeo time. And we are so close to a thousand paid subscribers.

we're making more money than we've ever made. And by that, I mean, literally only like $1,000 more a year that we made. But guess what? We're trying to make $50 billion per month. And thank you guys for sticking around with this. Yeah, I think you guys are sticking around. But I'm trying to fuck you, Brace Bellden. I'm coming for that top spot.

I know you make a quarter million dollars a month. But I believe in my fans. I'm just kidding. Brace is a nice guy. And they had me write a little essay for them, and they paid me way too much money. uh to do that so thank you for that um anyway yeah check out patreon dot com slash the day of time if you don't sub um and uh thank you guys for listening um i have some stand-up dates but i don't have

them in front of me so i don't know what they are do you have anything to plug tom um oh uh check check out the new season of jo box coming out uh soon joe box tv with joe gleason check out joe box be on that uh all right very funny guy bye bye Bye.