Pendejo Time - bravo going dark

Episode Date: June 10, 2021

zoom latency was so good on this one that at several points me and thomas were having different conversations. Support the Show.

maybe like we do like a offshore rigor type deal where uh maybe after the podcast you know we get we start making real cheddar cheese you and me just hole up in a penthouse somewhere and yeah but i bet you'd like that 50 like it would be funny to do that yeah that that's actually my next goal on the Patreon. But yeah, just doing topical shit that happened that day, but the news cycle has accelerated. By the time the last one that we do comes out, a nuclear bomb has hit San Francisco. But we're still talking about Bill Gates' divorce or whatever. That would be crazy welcome welcome to pendejo time you said that i could do it this time

welcome to pendejo time and we're back with pendejo time if you walk the earth angry at everyone in your life despite having a mostly easy one, this is the show for you. If you have been called fat and gay and stinky and annoying and obnoxious, don't listen to this show. This is only for cool guys who look at Buick Grand Nationals when they're supposed to be at work. If you draw pictures where your dad is wearing makeup and you think horses are handsome in a non-sexual way. Now to our host, Kevin Spacey.

Take it away, Kevin. Hi, I'm Kevin Spacey. I don't know how he talks. My name is Kevin Spacey, and I'm a pedophile. I was really hoping that you would do the voice from the OK episode. Hi, I'm Kevin. My name is Kevin. I like movie theater.

I like, it's me, Kevin Spacey. It's me, I promise. I promise it's me. Hello. Please don't ask me what's in the box. You don't want to know what's in the box. I got in a little bit of trouble, and they didn't let me make a movie. I won't say what I did.

Oh, no. Because everybody knows what I did. Okay, I told crappy wife, okay, goodbye now. You go to box. Time for box. Box for you. I come back and I do a movie. They let me be.

I think it's okay. So I had to look into it because sometimes people just run away with shit on the internet but he like is legitimately playing like uh like a sex offender or something like i forget exactly the nature like a falsely accused yeah yeah i thought that maybe was just like like some you know people like say shit online and it's like one percent true maybe even less but apparently it's like a small little cameo but it's i don't know if it's supposed to be an ironic jab like okay like i get it like i mean i don't know didn't almost like also like didn't everybody who accused him of shit like die mysteriously so i'm like yeah i mean it happens you know um it happens to the best of us um

i people don't appreciate method acting like they used to i think it'd be very it'd be very funny if uh if like you start posting pictures of like you know a new raptor or whatever and i'm like hey where'd all the podcast money go and then i like commit suicide by like wearing a bag over my head and being beaten to death and you're like i don't know what happened to jake is so sad but this raptor yeah that also seems like something that happens to you like regularly what just people beat you up and kill you and then yeah it's just like ah yeah i'm like yeah you're like what did you do this weekend i'm like i planted some sunflowers and i uh i you know i saw a cat get hit by a car i didn't tell anybody and then I had half a rain, and I got scared.

And so I went. I was at Six Flags, and I got scared of the Superman. I wouldn't go on, and a bunch of kids came up and beat the fuck out of me and killed me. Yeah. I hate when that happens i so i i've been wanting to go to uh to six flags again but like i need to get a group of guys to go with yeah probably i bet you do yeah okay listen not not today man we uh but i have i like, I was thinking about like, because I do like roller coasters. But I was like, if I, as like a really like pale, like lanky guy covered in tattoos, like go to a theme park by myself.

Like, you can go, like, going to a theme park by yourself is not something like it just you know you could have the coolest and purest of it you just want to ride some rides but it just i feel like it puts off a certain vibe especially looking how i look yeah it's like going to a park that's, like, not, like, it just has a playground. Yeah. And there's not, like, that much area to walk around. Yeah. Whenever I mostly rocked a ponytail and had a mustache, that was... Give me a sec.

Yeah. Let me pause. Tomas has left the building. Not sure what for. But I did see him prior to, before we started i'm sorry i didn't realize my dad was here when thomas went to town i was still going i was just talking about how you ate a bunch of mcdonald's right before we started so i thought you went poo-poo no i i heard somebody in my house but but it was my dad. Is that true? It was confusing.

What? No, I didn't hear my dad get here, and I thought somebody had broken into my house, but it was... That was not the case. Not really an emergency situation. You didn't pause, did you? Nope. Okay, we're good. Yeah, so I feel like if you go to uh okay i'll see you sorry i thought you broke into the house because i had my headphones on

you almost got the old one too uh anyway yeah yeah going going to like it like if like like, if me, you, and a bunch of friends got together and we all went to Six Flags, like, oh, it's like a boys' day. I bet they had smashed some beers before this one. But if it's just, like, you, as you look, or me, as I look, going to Six Flags to, like, it just, I don't know. It's not a great look. Also, I think I lack the confidence in that situation to be because i uh i like going to parks and just walking around

um yeah but i i mean obviously i like uh i prefer you know a big park where i could like you know with trees and all that where i could you, you know, there's nature and stuff. But if I'm in an area where I don't know, like what the park's going to be like, and then I, you know, I go and it's mostly a playground. Well, if I show up to a park and then take a look around and immediately leave, that's really worse. It's like your case so you got it yeah so you know you gotta at least walk a couple laps or something or you know get on the swing or something um go down a slide but uh yeah i i try to not make people uncomfortable in that type of setting all other settings it's not that big of

a deal but i think well it's like also too it's like if i just if i had like a helmet on or something yeah you know like i i don't know i don't think i'd be out allowed without supervision if i was one of those guys but i don't know like maybe i'll think of something to be able to go by myself but i don't want to drive like if think of something to be able to go by myself but i don't want to drive like if i drive to dallas to go to over texas or arlington i figured we would just hang out like and i have friends in san antonio so it's like i don't like need to you know like go yeah by myself i'd make it happen but oh so i thought it was always a little racist that they named that place Fiesta, Texas

because it's in San Antonio. Well, it's like a party, and Fiesta is Mexican for party. Yeah, but you don't have, like, a... You don't have a Six Flags in Atlanta called, like... Called what? What would you call it? I'm not going to walk that one out,

but you can, you can add soul flags. I mean, I don't know. Let's hear it. Soul flags. I don't know. I don't know if it can only be,

we lob it up and then you'd still have six flags you know you can't change the number of flags like just maybe colors of like nah don't worry about it you don't have to walk that one out there's no way that I could save that to make it

not as bad I was trying to save it by providing an example that uh you know is still radio friendly because i know palatable yeah these are this is a free this is live we can't shoot from the hip we're on serious now um we're actually taking howard stern's spot next week dude that guy figured out blueprint, but also he came at the right time. In the 90s, you'd bring on a Playboy bunny and you'd be like, Hey, do you like Valium and Ecstasy? She'd be like, I guess so.

And he'd be like, pull your tits out. And that would be three and a half hours of a show. And it's like reprehensible behavior. But, I mean, you know. Like, bring a midget on and be like, would you suck on this midget for 20 bucks? That would be it. Shit that if you did now would get you thrown in jail. But, like, just 25 years ago, he was just rocking with it.

Yeah. What does he even talk about now? Everything I hear him talking about now is like, yeah, he had Oprah on and they talked about what it means to be a human. And before it was like, yeah, we, I don't know, we got, we made Lisa Ann get a pap smear or something. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Something stupid. I thought maybe he did like a whole segment on the election and was like

shilling for Hillary Clinton. I could be misremembering or making that up entirely. He had Hillary on. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So I'm not making it up. So it's like, he like,

uh, he like 23 years ago. Yeah. He yeah he's like hey i brought a dog in here lady how what you say we put a show on for the people back home and now he's like bernie sanders is too far i mean i don't know like he's doing like like shilling for like bank of america i guess everybody's got to make a quick buck he's he should be the only person allowed to talk about israel just because it's funny when he does it he's like this sacred people who have been through so much uh and uh and it's so important and uh and people are like wow we should give this guy like 600 million

dollars every year to i mean like it really is like the because like opie and anthony fell apart and like all this shit but like you would think i mean i guess you know the changing of the tides or whatever like you've got to switch it up to keep the money flowing in but to go from being the guy who like would literally just drug porn stars and then get them to like jiggle their tits around as like flavor flaved at a backflip like on the other side of the studio and now he's like the two-state solution is unfair to the israeli people it's like i man how what happened to you i guess could you could you imagine him in israel yes actually i could very easily imagine that i think it's really funny that eric andre is a zionist is he really yeah like pretty hardcore. That is hilarious. You know, he's just... It's like... I mean,

everything else... Not that... I don't really care that much about the specifics of entertainers' politics. Yeah, me neither. It's just really stupid. Like...

I mean, I'd rather them not be like a Nazi you know but I don't really care but it's funny to imagine him like as that you know like off the wall random of a guy being like yeah like you know I may not support Netanyahu but you know we should do something about BDS it makes sense that bruce willis is a conservative because he's it makes sense that he's a conservative because he's just like an old guy yeah bruce willis is the like you know poster boy for like hollywood conservatives him and john voight or whatever him and uh and clint eastwood also yeah yeah but you have somebody like eric andre who like by by all like i guess comparisons or just is clearly like someone that you would associate

with like having politics or a certain type and yeah he's like i don't know i mean they do throw bottles at us you know at at the jews so i guess it's fine if we, like, glass their whole village or whatever. I mean, him and everyone was mad at Hannibal Buress for being a landlord. Yeah. Which I never understood. I mean, I don't. I think he wouldn't kind of, he didn't really care uh because he literally like has an airbnb he's he doesn't have like apartment complex yeah

i mean i i dude obviously landlords are fucking dog shit but it's like i people are like can you believe but it's like... People are like, can you believe this? It's like, yeah, dude. Whatever. I imagine if you get a little bit of money from comedy, if you're smart, you're trying to do something with it. Yeah, I'm going to spend it all on milk. Because I got a feeling...

Soda? No. I got a feeling, you know No, I got a feeling you know, these cows start dying out 10-15 years. They're going to need somebody who's got a bunch of milk in their fridge. So I spend probably half of the Patreon

money on milk. And then when that time rolls around, guess who's got 15 year old milk? Me. I've got it. I've got millions of dollars worth. And, you know, I might put $400,000 of credit card debt into milk. At 10, 15 years, that could be worth $500,000, $600,000.

And it just keeps adding up. You don't want to buy cows because cows die you know it doesn't die yeah it's a liquid it's like water but white the uh people have like shared a couple online but i was looking at like the finance genius mind tiktok guys and all their all of their like brilliant get rich quick advice is to just go into credit card debt, opening up an Amazon storefront selling like Chinese finger traps for like $17 above market price, which is $2.

And then also to purchase like all, all of, like, lean properties from the county. So, like, if people get their homes foreclosed on or don't pay back taxes, you can, like, pay the taxes and then you own the property effectively. And then you can either try to sell the property back to them, I think is how it works, or you can sell it to somebody else. So if somebody doesn't pay on their property taxes or whatever so there's there'll be a guy who's like are you a millennial looking to make fifty five thousand dollars an hour on the side look no further and it's like a guy in like a rented hugo boss suit sitting in front of like a rented bmw next to a beach and he's like you're going to want to go on the county next to you where everyone the median income is twenty one thousand dollars a year and you're going to want to look at all the

properties that have liens on them and you're going to want to buy them out because use your credit card take a loan out buy up two or three four houses that have back property taxes and then sell them back to the owners or sell them back to a new owner, rent it out, ruin people's lives. And that's how you can make $55,000 an hour. From what I understood, I thought you're like, I never understood that because a lot of times the liens on those were like to where they're almost paid off. So yes, I think that's the case but like those guys

always like spin it to where they like you can they'll find like a diamond in the rough in the sense that like one is like maybe two or three grand yeah and and they'll buy it off with a paycheck or on a credit card and then but that's like one out of like 10 000 pages of shit you know what i'm saying yeah you don't find shit like that every day you find it like once every six months maybe but i guess if you're able to spin it and flip the house it's like it pays for itself or whatever yeah but also like uh i really like the idea of somebody who just like works at you know best buy or whatever. No experience whatsoever just obtaining a house like that. Yeah.

And then going there. Yeah. And being like, okay, so it needs new drywall and there's cracks in the foundation. And then it looks like, oh, none of the wiring works yeah and then okay it doesn't have ac um roof needs to be shooting in it no it needs to be redone there's people squatting in it yeah so i bought this property for what 4500 pretty good deal and now i only need 250 000 to successfully flip it because i don't know how to do any of the work myself pretty good setup you do this you can make i don't know negative 10 million dollars a year

well i wonder if the motivating factor obviously like one of the bigger motivating factors is just like the clout from like you're talking to like 14 year olds i don't i don't think these guys actually do it yeah that's what i'm saying it saying. It's like you're talking to teenagers who are like, Mom, I figured out how we can make $150,000, and she's like, please shut the fuck up for the rest of your life. And he's like, no. A guy who was sniffing a lot on my phone and eyes were all bloodshot red was telling me that I can go buy a poor person's house and we can flip it.

And the mom's like, I got to go work at a fucking Waffle House. Can you please kill yourself by the time I'm back home, please? Like, I hate you so much. Like, that's probably just, it's just to get views. Because those videos will have like a million or two views. And those guys get money off that alone. Like, they get paid to make, like, they get like a little bit of cheddar cheese on the side. I'm sure like a couple guys have done it.

But I don't buy that people are doing it like en masse in every county across the U.S. don't buy that people are doing it like in mass in every county across the u.s especially when like like hedge funds are buying up property in single family renter homes and renting them out instead of like selling them or whatever just to turn a quick buck yeah what i'm planning on doing is i want to start reversing gentrification you know because i've caused a lot of it personally i've done so much. Oh, man. You wouldn't believe. And so I'm looking to change that. So lately I've been buying high-rise apartments.

I've been buying houses in historic districts. I've been letting them run to shit. I've been lowering the property values as much as I can, trying to get them. I've been messing up the house. I've been tearing off doors. I've been letting people live in there for free. I've been selling crack in these neighborhoods. And I'm going to get these houses back to the people.

That's who they belong to. You can do this almost for free. You just have to pay property taxes. And you can turn a $2 million condo into a $700,000 condo. Into free and fair housing. Yes. Who are you helping the same people that nipsey hustle died for

you are continuing his mission i think it would be funny to like you know activists just going into these like austin high rises that are like 2300 a month for a studio and just starting fist. Just knocking on people's doors and being like, hey man, we want to end gentrification. I know you like that type of stuff, don't you? Yeah, no, I want to end gentrification. Alright, so what you're going to do is sign this. Bink!

Just fucking stick them as hard as you possibly can. Kick their fucking door and throw their dog down the stairs. Yeah. Chase their wife around. When you start a campaign, it's like, let poor people and immigrants and people of color back into these bad neighborhoods. Stop pushing. Keep them in there.

No, we're confusing local politicians because they don't know where we lean politically they don't they're like are they are they racist is this leftist what is i'm gonna get i'm gonna run for mayor mayor of where i'm gonna run for mayor and then um i'm gonna be the first mayor candidate to be supported by the fire department, but harshly opposed by the police department. I will give the fire department roughly half of the city's money. The reason for this is I love fire trucks, and I always have,

and I would love to have more of them just driving around. And I think if you're a firefighter, you should make $200,000 a year, easy. And I think if you're a police officer, you have to wear a diaper, and you have to pick up poop. So I don't know how that – so some cities, some counties have volunteer fire departments, but others' fire department guys make pretty good fucking money i don't know how that works no yeah you can especially if you uh you're like you fire chiefs make in big cities crazy good money yeah that's what yeah yeah but obviously

not everyone gets to be one because you're the chief yeah you know it's not like being you know in one of those engine tribes where they have just a bunch of made-up leaders, you know. Yeah, let's hear what else. You know, most people realize later on that, you know, those Apache warlords, you know, they made about 140. You know, they bought raptors and all that and uh they were really just you know just holding down a steady job you got to work your way up to be chief though i remember like i know it's it's kind of fucking hacky at this point to like rag on texas like public education but like i distinctly remember learning about like

education but like i distinctly remember learning about like choctaw engines and apaches and stuff and chippewa whatever like in elementary school not not in junior high and high school obviously but in elementary school as if they were like not real like we would look at the paintings in the textbook or like the little book or the workbook and it'd be like these people lived here long ago very long time ago but they don't they're not and it's and they're in we don't know what happened to them please don't ask what happened to them we don't know we uh it's a mystery and then like even into high school like it wasn't until i took like a like i just happened to have one of those like i guess quote unquote cool one of those like i guess quote unquote cool teachers who's like everything you learn in school is a lie i'm gonna teach you the real shit but it's still like a very watered down version yeah i was like oh there's like i

was probably like in seventh or eighth grade when one of the teachers was like uh yeah so like there's still a couple of them left but they all live in like big holes in the ground uh and they like uh don't have like any money and uh that's about it i was like dude i just spent first through fifth grade learning about how these guys were basically wizards and like lived five million years ago and like you're telling me that they're like they i can go see one and they're like yeah you can drive to arizona out in the desert real far out in the desert so far out that no one looks or cares anymore and you can talk to one and uh they're real and i was like jesus christ and uh like i i don't know

it was like a one of those weird things like similar to taking a health class in texas it's like if you even if you even masturbate in the same 10 mile radius of a lady she'll get pregnant or whatever like just that's still true for me oh really yeah i gotta be careful potent potent potent poison yeah i got that range baby anyway i thought your audio cut out but it was just a weird silence anyway we get we get those around here it happens um yeah i always wanted to be um a native american up. I'm part like Blackfoot Cherokee but a suspiciously low amount you know and but it was just because I wanted to kill people with a bow and arrow and a spear and I wanted to cut people's scalps off and put them up on a pole. And also Buffalo I thought it'd be cool to kill one with a spear or a bow and arrow and

i also like riding on horses but then you know as you get older and you're like yeah those guys would have just used a gun if they had it um it wasn't like some uh lord of the rings yeah race yeah it wasn't they were like they totally would have used a belt fed m240 yeah they would use an ar and they would have sprayed those things down well and also uh i forget who the guest was on joe rogan but joe was going off on this rant he's like can you believe native americans used to hunt these 3 000 pound beasts these 3 000 pound insane fucking jacked mods you know he talks about animals he's fucking yeah he's swole up fucking he talks like they're ufc fighters or something yeah it's like ron he's describing like a body

builder yeah and uh the guy he was interviewing was like yeah man uh they had to and joe rogan was like man i never thought of it that way and i just like i was like what do you mean you never thought of it that way like you just spent like seven minutes talking about how they had to do it for food and they would like eat the whole it would last you know a village however the fuck long and then a guy's like yeah they had to man that's just sort of how life was and you're like whoa like i just i love the way that that guy's mind works yeah you can provide provide him like a wikipedia like first tab fact about something random and he's like dude jesus christ what what are you talking about? Yeah, he's like curious.

You're saying Roswell was a weather balloon? Like, I wouldn't know. Yeah. Hey, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I think we should both go on the Joe Rogan experience. I think it's time. People have been asking us to. And I keep telling Joe,e i say push it back we we don't want to just feed off your clout like that joe we're before anything

we're friends and after that we're allies and even after that we're brothers after that we're brother-in-laws after that we enemies but after that were podcasters i want everyone to know who's listening to this right now that the audio on the zoom is the latency and the lag is so bad that basically what's happening is me and thomas are kind of having a conversation but essentially what it is is it's just like probably sounds like schizophrenia when i fix this i you know at the end of the day i'm not here to listen i'm here to talk that's my job yeah yeah the most important part of being a podcaster is ignoring anything that's said that you are not saying happens i guess you just gotta

steamroll your way through complete silence and about halfway through everything i say jake gets the end of the story that i did not hear the first part of and here's here's what i do i say yeah yep at the beginning of the show you may have noticed that jake responded to something i said 15 seconds after and i just want everyone to know that I hope he got that smoke detector fixed, but I cannot guarantee it. And also, I did not know your smoke detector was out, even though apparently it was beeping the entire episode.

Dude, I think it beeped like twice. Again, like I did. Everyone yells at us. I don't know what the fuck happened. You know, when a play is paving his own way uh people go and try and put him in the grave that's what they say uh i i guess they do say stuff like that man yeah i guess they do be saying stuff like that man they be saying that all the time. I'm thinking... That's how I'll be telling you. I'll be telling you that all the time. With your trifling ass.

If anybody ever tries to get you in trouble for doing that voice, just say you're doing a guy from Louisiana. Man. I am from barrows going from louisiana man what you talking about they're like you can't talk like that man you're like dude what you talking about doing a guy from fucking lafayette louis. I'm like, man, what you talking about? I'm from Northern. Did you say North Atlanta? No, I said I'm from Northern. I go to Northern.

I go to Northern. I go to Northern. I go to Northern. I know. They're like, that is not the same voice you were doing. I'm like, man, man, you cut that out. You cut that jab talk out right now with your turkey ass. And they're like, okay, so that's the voice I'm mad at you about.

And you're like, oh, no, no. Oh, no, it's all dying. It's like a different black guy voice every single sentence somehow. Yeah, yeah. Boy, you don't be talking to me like that. And they're like, that's a different one. How do you have that man? Here's a question for you.

If you do Steven Seagal's voice, is it still bad? Because he's a white guy. I haven't watched any of his movies. No, the one he's got now where he's like, all right, soul player. I'll tell you what. Sometimes when you step in a dojo. We go in there and we do do do

you get the dojo when you get the mojo you understand me player you see what I'm what I'm on about playboy I tell you what home slice

you get me out of these allegations, you could be in the worst action movie of 2027. It's going to be starring me, co-starring... Who can I think of is uh francis and ganu for some reason uh in which i will beat up francis and ganu in one punch it would not be hard for me at all it will also have i wonder if a a girl who looks as close as we can find a young Angelina Jolie

for $1500 flat and we will have sex on camera yeah oh yeah oh he's just talking to another guy he keeps saying oh oh

puts on a second pair of sunglasses oh oh I'm not sure I honestly don't know if my dad's still here but if so I hope he's not that was a suspicious that was a Steven Seagal.

Dad, if you're still here, that was Steven Seagal. So he was like a Louisiana sheriff's deputy? Yeah. I'm trying to imagine him being like a used car salesman somewhere in like Rama, outside Baton Rouge. Oh, he's from Louisiana? I think he was—I mean, he he's like a nomad but i think he settles down in places that have a lot of rich cultural history like japan or louisiana and then he just adopts whatever that is so like you know when he was in japan he was like thank you

for your honor and your he was born in lansing michigan and And then he moves to Louisiana, I guess, some years later. What? Steven Frederick Seagal was born in Lansing, Michigan. That's awesome. So he's not even... Let me see where he... He later moved to Los Angeles, California okay so yeah

alright okay so so he started off basically I think he moved to Japan that's where he picked up the Konichiwa shit yeah

in Aikido yeah Aikido That's where he picked up the Konichiwa shit. Yeah. And Aikido. Yeah. Aikido. Okay. And then, yeah, and then he moved to L.A. to, I guess he was pretty successful as an Aikido instructor. Did he used to be, like like a really good martial artist or is he just i don't know i i think he just like there was a time when like before i guess like jeet kune do and then mma in general like when some of those like more kata-based things were cool and people wanted to learn them.

You know what I'm saying? I don't take Aikido seriously as a martial art. That fucking all. Let's read the last two. I'm going to read off the last two paragraphs of his main Wikipedia page before you get into the sub things. And this is something I can do because I've got a full hour

and I don't really care if people like the show steven says seagal is a guitarist and has released two studio albums songs from the crystal cave and mojo priest and performed on the scores of several of his films he has worked with stevie wonder and tony, who both performed on his debut album. He has also been involved in a line of, quote, therapeutic oil products and energy drinks. In addition, Seagal is a known environmentalist, animal rights activist, and supporter of 10th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso. and supporter of 10th Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso. He is known for his outspoken political views in support of Vladimir Putin, to whom he once referred as one of the great living world leaders.

He was granted both Russian and Serbian citizenship in 2016. In 2018, he was appointed Russia's special envoy to the U.S. Last paragraph. From 1996 to 2018, multiple women accused seagal of sexual harassment or assault and then it moves on to the sub things so i've been through one of the funniest things about his wikipedia page is that he routinely used to beat the dog shit out of a stuntman and one day uh somebody got tired of it and they were like uh talking about brazilian jiu-jitsu because it was like just taken off i think this is in the 90s and he was like you can't choke me out because i can't be choked out and the guy was like what are you talking about if i cut

off your blood supply and your oxygen supply you'll go to sleep just like any mortal man and steven seagal's like it simply can't be done. I'm sorry. And so the guy, like, they argue back and forth for a little bit. And then eventually Steven Seagal's like, okay, put me in a rear naked choke. And I'll show you. I'm just too strong. Like, I'm just my key or whatever. And the guy chokes him out in, like, three seconds. And then Seagal shits his pants, like, literally.

Like, empties his bowels and the guy's like okay like wake up and they like he got he came to him it's like yeah that was pretty good uh yeah i gotta go to the trailer but i didn't go to sleep or anything that was a pretty good choke though and uh also about the vladimir putin my understanding, he was like, there was a time there when he was like, yeah, me and Vladimir, me and Vladimir are like brothers. We're close friends. And Vladimir Putin was quoted saying several times, like, I don't talk to him. Like, I do not talk to this guy. He just keeps applying.

So I guess he went through. I don't talk to this guy, which is hilarious. Like to get cold shouldered by Vladimir Putin. I think if you want to be friends with the guy, Kim Jong-un seems like you have to be a specific guy. But if you're big, is Seagal friends with Kim Jong-un? I was going to say like Dennis Rodman rodman we talked about this it's like it makes sense that he's like the one guy yeah like he's he's the one guy that got through to kim jong in a country that is supposedly like you know the hermit kingdom or whatever like

i don't know i don't imagine that steven seal, but maybe. I mean, they both do karate, I think. Yeah, I'm looking at it. It looks like, you know how Steven Seagal cannot play guitar? No, he's, no. Well, it looks like he most likely has millions of dollars worth of guitars, which is really, honestly, so badass. Among his extensive collection are guitars previously owned by the kings albert bb and freddy as well as beau diddly stevie ray vaughn buddy guy howland wolf muddy waters and jimmy hendrix that man has a quite i i don't understand. It's, he's like if HGH just like became a person. Well, he can't even do,

like he's too old to like cycle anymore. Like I don't think he's cycled. No, I just mean the spirit of HGH. Oh yeah, no, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Cause like you see his older stuff and he was pretty yoked.

Yeah. But like he, like, you see his older stuff, and he was pretty yoked. Yeah. But, like, he, like, dude, his demonstrations now are so bad. He's, like, 400 pounds. Because he's, for that big of a, that tall of a guy to look really fat. You've got to be a big motherfucker. Because he's, like, what, 6'3"? 6'5"? I think so.

Maybe, like, 6'2", or 6'3". I actually don't know. But he's got, like, a big motherfucker because he's like what six three six five so maybe like six two or six three i actually don't know but he's got like a big build also like he's got a wide frame he's not lanky at all no he's a big dude and so for him to be like he just looks like a mountain yeah he just looks like a guy he looks like a like the strongman but i he's 6'4". Jesus. So that guy is probably like... Oh my God, dude. Check this out. He's probably like 380 now.

Jesus. Okay, so his site says he's 187 pounds. That is awesome. That is just simply not true at all. That rocks. 187 pounds. Dude, 6'4", 187. Yeah.

What's his website? We can plug it. We can give Steve. No, it's not. It's like, you know, daily. Like, it's just Celebrity Heights. No. It's not his website. It's like his page on those sites steven seagal wait here's what i don't understand says he's the first

foreigner to ever own and operate an aikido dojo in japan he was i think that is true well wouldn't he be the first non-foreigner? Steven Seagal age, height, weight, net worth, wife, kids, gay. It's just what the headline says. He's got it all. Dude, all these say he's 187 to 195. Maybe that was just in his heyday. No, they all say... But even then, like, he had to be, like, 215.

He was never crazy cut. Like, he was big, but, like, he had... Yeah. Like, he was in shape. But even then, 6'4 and looking muscular like you. Okay, this one makes more sense, but it's still way off. 264 pounds. I still don't buy that. Maybe like 15 years ago.

Maybe we can DM him on Instagram. Hey, man, how much do you weigh for real? Hey, man, I noticed you look like a real fat ass. Real big, fat, lousy adult. And I was wondering, first off, we were talking about how you probably aren't good at fighting anymore. And how you pooped your pants. And we were wondering if you could come on the pod. Is it true that you sexually assaulted a bunch of women in the gym yourself?

Hey, man, big fan, long time respect. I was wondering if you were a rapist. And you poop your pants a lot. Yeah. I was wondering, and once again, you don't need to walk away. I'm not trying to harass you. But did you – do those women know? And he's like, what?

Well, you know, were you wearing a diaper when you did that? Or did you have on like big boy pants? Or was it when you got choked out on the set of a straight to DVD movie? No, whenever you approach those women, did they see that you had a diaper on? Or did they have to reach into the diaper? Was it one of those situations? Hey, brother, you better chill with that type of talk, bro. Come on, man.

I need you to change my poopy diaper. Come on. Help a brother out. Hey, listen. You want to get an autograph, that's fine. But when you start talking crazy, that's when the eagle come out i need you to i need you to take me to the truck stop and they got that fold out thing i need you to put my 600 pound body on one of those and take off my 200 pound diaper because i do stunts baby this thing got

padding on it and i need you to and i need you to bring a forklift to get that thing off me baby and i need you to put a we use i get my i get my accountant to use wood staples to put together roughly 200 diapers at a time and wrap them around my frame. And that's just how I roll, Jack. That's how I do it. I was wondering if it's possible that you could give me $20 to get on the bus to New Orleans, Louisiana. Now, baby girl, I'm going to let you know, I am not Steven Seagal. I don't know why you thought that.

But I do have a big dress on, like the Maxi Fish. I'm just a big fat guy. I'm just a big fat guy with a dress on. This ain't no kimono, baby. But I still would like some uh money please also if you could change me that's still something that's on that is not a i didn't know that was a steven seagal thing that's a my name is my name is leroy do you mean leroyoy no my name is my name is Leroy Brawn

they're like what I don't have a last name I just get many strokes throughout my sentences at times can you imagine a Cajun guy having a stroke he would just become a black hole. It starts, like, reversing. There's a random earthquake in France. Anyway, Steven Seagal is fat as fuck

and he's a piece of shit. If you're listening to this, the video of you trying to show Leota Machida and Anderson Silva how to punch is very funny to me because those guys at the peak of their careers were absolute murderers

and you just look like shit, man, and I don't want to fucking think about you anymore. Yeah, and if you're a listener, please boycott, if you're one of our Bosnian supporters, please boycott his next theater show, which I assume will be in the next two two weeks and then the two weeks after that. And then that man is prolific.

Say what you want. But in everything he does, he is prolific. There's a movie clip someone shared, a DM I was in, where he chops off his own, like a clone of his head, like does an honor killing to his clone. I guess like his brother that's also his clone. I did that growing up. Did you really? I'm proud of you if you did. Did that just come in?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, well, I said that about 12 seconds before so folks folks uh anyway anyway uh speaking of mercy kills we got about 10 minutes left on this so uh if you there are a lot of people who don't know that we are in different cities. Yeah. And so if sometimes you're like, hey, why does the timing seem off? It's not that we don't have brilliant comedic timing, because we do. We absolutely do.

It's just that I'm hearing what Thomas is saying 28 seconds after he says it. And seeing as I can't hear Thomas at all, he probably can't hear me right now. And a lot of times I also don't listen. And that's how it is. Sometimes, and this is not my fault, it's because when you're a genius, and I'm not calling myself a genius, it's just something that happens to geniuses as well as me,

but there's so many ideas in my mind that are all so smart that sometimes I will think about one of those such as maybe just driving a real big dirt bike off a cliff um into a pool um maybe i don't know seven eight hundred feet down and then doing a perfect dive and being okay um sometimes i'll think of that instead of you know whether my car needs an oil change or something like that yeah and patrice o'neill had the same problem he would sometimes he would have you know he would have a show or something you know or he would have a podcast like this. Right. And instead he would be thinking about donuts, hamburgers, French fries, all that stuff.

It's a mark of genius. Zoom here is cancel culture in a way um it's something we're going to touch on later whenever we have louis ck on louis louis uh louis cp whatever um ew yuck don't make that guy into a dang computer i'm making everything digital nowadays you've been to the gas station all this touch touch tap use the pen please yeah how about i talked how about you go out and talk to a real person for once and get off these dang phones that they got nowadays the last thing the last thing i heard you say before just now was yuck about Lewis. Well, you can just trust that it was not that good. All right?

It wasn't. What, you think I bothered to say something funny? No. Everyone is yelling at me today because why not? Every day I wake up, I get my shit kicked in. I get yelled at. I get pooped on. I'll go to the clubs.

I try and dance my pain away. What happens? I get kicked out for being handsome. And then I come back and I get kicked out again for being even more handsome than last time. These stupid kids. I don't know why you're drag racing at 6.12 p.m. I heard a motorcycle rev and then... No, they race along Vickery here oh okay

it's like a it wasn't a drag race but they just haul the speed limit is like 45 but it's like a good solid stretch around here so good for them well you know i think the next phase folks we were going to do some video episodes and uh

we're probably going to try to hang out again in july yeah we like to hang out twice a year yeah and possible if possible and we also are maybe thinking about doing live shows but i have to email the venue first which is a pretty big part of that process um yeah also i guess you know we should uh maybe do merch or something um i don't i don't know man. How about we've got enough, you know, maybe we could just save up for like a, you know, just a big rifle or something. And then the next month we save up for another one. And then next month we, you know, save up for five months or so, get a crazy amount of ammo. And then we just, you know, we just spin a bottle, you know.

Go to the store, just hang out for a bit. No. No, we go to a shooting range and then make a video episode. That's what I was saying. Yeah, no, that would be cool. It would be funny to have like a, be like yeah we went to shooting range and we're gonna do a video episode of it but we fire off like 70 000 rounds and it's like a two it's it's like a 48 hour long episode of just us reloading and firing off again it's like the first 30 minutes or so we're like

nice nice and we don't talk to each other the whole time we're just sweating we're drinking cold coffee there's no one else in the shooting right bleeding from the ears we're not wearing it's clearly an old bowling alley and we're just shooting down the alleys at nothing we've got the, people are banging on the doors and we're like, I'm not done yet. I'm not done.

That's my dream. Hold on a minute, bro. Let me, I'll try to fire something off right quick. It's me, Steven Seagal. Cause that's the only part of this episode that I had communication with.

We only had... It's the only part where I think we had ten minutes of straight conversation. It's all that I really remember from it because it's so choppy and the latency is making me want to put my fist through my laptop. We should just do chopped and screwed episodes. Oh, that would be... Where we just take different sentences that we both said and then just loop them yeah for like and put like an old biggie sample and then like okay okay okay okay okay okay i went i went i went went, I went to the store and I got me some eggs. I went, I went, I went.

My dad tried to move into my house last week. Anyway, if you're wondering how either of us. Okay, I guess we'll do that again. Anyway, if you're wondering how either of us is doing mentally, I'm really well. The answer is super good. we've both been doing yoga and mindfulness yeah i totally haven't put on eight pounds in the last fucking well more than that uh i i don't own a scale but i'm probably sitting around the same because uh you know it's it's fine yeah i bought one of those fancy scales i've complained about this before i

bought a 45 scale same like last year doesn't work not accurate no the ones that do your bone density and shit yeah yeah which is is fine that it doesn't get that i wasn't really expecting to do that accurately although it said i had 37 body fat that's insane it's just because i have like wide feet or whatever like i have i have flat feet so probably i have fat on my feet and it just was like yeah your whole body your feet are 37 fat i'm like okay and it was like yeah your body is uh one percent water i'm like. Ashley stepped on mine and didn't change the profile on my phone because it, like, hooks up to an app or whatever. And so the next time I stepped on it was like, did you recently lose 99 pounds? Are you sure that you're 121 pounds?

And I was like, what? I was like, oh. I was like, did something terrible happen to me in my sleep did a demon come in here and weigh himself before like you imagine that like a really it's just you've got like sleep paralysis and you're like oh thankfully that was a dream and you step on your smart scale the next morning it was like good morning beazel bub it says you uh were in you were 75 000 tons yesterday and today well you're only 195 so good good job on the progress you might want to drink some water though it says that oh man congratulations on a 2 million percent increase in muscle density. He says that you are 2 percent body fat, 17 feet tall, 2,000 tons.

I want to meet a skinny fat demon that's like 5'9", 190 and hunched over and has man tits. 33 percent body fat. He's like, I still have authority. I would still terrorize people all that i just have to take breaks sometimes you know because flying around i got bad posture and all that you know they they got gyms down there but it's like they're expensive it's hot it's hot you see the angels are jacked yeah well it's they keep it at like 67 degrees up there.

It's crisp. You wouldn't think it'd be humid, right? There's no water. Well, it's humid all the time. You'd think it'd be a dry heat. You'd think it'd be a very dry heat because it's below everything. No, it's humid. And there's no wind.

Up there, they got wind. It's the sky. And also, the contracts are actually It's the sky. Here. And also, the contracts are actually really reasonable with gyms here. Surprising. That's one plus. I trained at Hitler's gym. Yeah, he got down there and we were like, we're making you your own circle, which is you get to be a small business owner.

And he's like, well, can I expand it to be a bigger business? You know, maybe take over some other businesses? And they're like, no. Nice try. And he's like, oh, this is the worst thing that could have happened. That was the worst thing that ever happened to Hitler. I think I... What? What? worst thing that ever happened to hitler i think i uh what i i don't i just heard the worst thing that ever happened to hitler man i i which i'm sure

uh i'm sure it was pretty bad whatever happened to him well just wait till i get down there and start making him play Cards Against Humanity. Oh, now we're talking. He's going to start crying at how random and inappropriate some of the answers he gets from me are going to be. I'm going to say stuff about gross, taboo subjects and things of that matter. gross taboo subjects and things of that matter well thank you for uh thanks for tuning in uh this is one of the worst ones we've ever done but at the same time uh it's one of the best because we didn't really have to talk to each other and that made it really easy if you made it all the way through, congrats, because pretty much all of them are better than this. I think it was pretty good.

And also, not by that much. So, if you enjoyed this, for some reason... Subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash PendejoTime. And also, we've got a couple ad reads, right? I'm kidding. We don't have any. But nobody gives us any money.

But that's okay. We do it for free, don't we? Except on nobody gives us any money. But that's okay. We do it for free, don't we? Except on Patreon. Where we do it. Love of the game. Yeah. Five dollars.

Not a whole lot of money. What does five dollars get you nowadays? Like a third of a meal. So. One condom. I don't really know how much this costs me neither honestly i really don't know anymore like i bought them but it's been like 15 years uh like four it's been like four years yeah that's not because i was i've just been you know getting it in a while crazy raw i just you know is you know it's like buying ammo you know yeah except if you you know if you left the ammo

it's just like you know it's like buying ammo if ammo didn't really wasn't fun to shoot. And you could literally just ask the person you're about to shoot if they wanted to use ammo and then they usually would say no and then you could just... Not the best analogy.

Anyway, thanks for tuning in. Anyway, folks. Yeah, thanks. Bye.