Pendejo Time - build your own heaven

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

took a little while to get going on this one so another long episode for the true sick fucksSupport the Show.

Anyway, I was, uh, I was, before, while you were feeding the cats, I was, I was trying to find, like, a song, like a royalty-free, like a country song, uh, and, uh, it's really hard to not just do, there's one guy who's really good, you know, is Walker Wheeler, I think that's his name? Wheeler Walker Jr.? Yeah, Wheeler Walker Wheeler. who's really good you know is walker wheeler i think that's his name wheeler walker jr yeah wheeler walker wheeler yeah he's uh it's hard to not just do because i was like i had one going and i was like you know she likes to go down to the river and pull out all my gummy worms you know it's like he's he's the king of that shit it's like with the rap stuff it's fine he's the king of that shit. It's like with the rap stuff, it's fine. You know, like. Yeah, because honestly, ain't nobody stepping on my gangsta. No, and nobody has a flow like a mindful flow like we do. Like a cerebral, really lyrical flow. You can't gangsta check us.

You can't master the flow. Basically, you can't step to this fool. No, you can't. Pandejo time is, we're street worthy. Like people, I go, people, I go to Atlanta. What if the Beastie Boys were black? Yeah, 100%. I go to Atlanta a lot.

We're like the black boys. Yeah, we were the black Beastie Boys. Basically, that's, yeah. Maybe we could find a different name. Yeah, we could, the black beasts, maybe the. That's way worse, I think. It would be cool if it wasn't us doing it, you know what I mean? That UFC fighter, Derek Lewis, the one from Houston,

it's always funny that he gets... That's his nickname when he's cool with it, but whenever the commentator's like, Rogan, it's like, here comes the Blackbeast. It's like, in any other context, that's not... Like, that's not really i guess the black beastie boys was just a tribe called quest in a way they weren't as jokey i guess they were as jokey but they were uh it had a similar movement you know what i mean i feel

yeah i guess so i remember remember They were at least somewhat You know what who gives a fuck about that Hey Thomas how about you talk about some normal shit Stop talking like you're Michael Rappaport Stupid ass Crap hole I'm sorry I'm trying to I'm trying to work on my self talk

And right now if I'm being honest guys I'm deep in the hole Same But not really I'm being honest, guys, I'm deep in the hole. Same. But not really. I'm doing fine, but sometimes I try. I thought we were going to have a moment. Sometimes I'll kind of fake out Jake, make him think I'm slipping up. Nope.

Not saying shit about my feelings. It'd be very funny. I can't let you fucking dogs eat. I spill my heart out on this episode. I'm like, dude, it's been bad. And you're like, yeah, me too, man. And I think there's going to be a moment between us as friends. And you're like, nah, like dude it's been bad and you're like i mean too man and i think there's gonna be a moment between us as friends you're like nah just kidding man i think you're really gay and you and you probably just need to tighten it up a little bit you know what

i mean yeah you know what uh depression is uh fucking made up how about that yeah it's not real it's 100 not real um you can just be happy it's not uh. It's 100% not real. You can just be happy. It's not... What the fuck we got here? Yeah, I've been trying to... What are you fucking talking about, man? Pull it together. You're losing it, dude.

You are losing it. You are long gone. I'll tell you what I fucking think about. I wake up and I think about throwing a football. I wake up and I think about lifting a football. I wake up and I think about lifting a rock. I think about driving a car. I wake up and I think about putting on expensive fragrance. Cologne.

Smell good. Yeah. I wake up, dude, and my shit is already half hard because I'm ready to go. You know what I mean? I'm ready for the day. My shit is like... I don't wake up with morning wood. is already half hard because I'm ready to go you know what I mean I'm ready for the day my shit is like I don't wake up with morning wood

I'm so ahead of the game I go to sleep with a boner yeah I wake up and I've already and I wake up soft I wake up I've already blasted rope yeah

you know three to five times in the night right yeah I wake up and I already regret jacking off and I didn't even do it yeah I wake up I wake up feeling guilty you know I wake up and I already regret jacking off, and I didn't even do it.

Yeah, I wake up feeling guilty, you know, just kind of like a fuck. I wake up pregnant. Yeah, I wake up and my shit's just loose. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wake up, I mean, it's just all part of it. I wake up covered in piss because I don't even have to get up to go to pee.

I wake up and my jaw feels like it's been stretched out. You know what I mean? Yeah, because you've been fucking talking that money talk all night. In my sleep, baby, I'm talking about money. I ain't getting fucked in my mouth by a demon or nothing. Honestly, if a demon were to fuck me, I think it would probably go, and this is if I'm being honest, it would make more sense to go straight for the butt.

Yeah, I feel like a demon is not doing foreplay because I feel like if I'm a demon I'm not going for like third base yeah no you're you're like an evil critter like you're going straight for the booty yeah yeah or like some of the fucked up

like the eye or the nose pretty much nobody can fuck my nose and I don't say that as a I say that as a as a as an oddly nostriled fella.

Yeah. We both kind of got wide set noses. You know what I mean? No, dude, my shit is thin. Oh, is it? My shit. My nostrils are like almost closed all the time. I got one cause my, I broke my nose as a kid.

I got one nostril I can't really use for anything. Um, well, I mean I can't really use for anything. Well, I mean, I can, but not as effectively. Right. So, and, you know, I'm not going to get nose surgery because, I mean, I probably need to get some moles removed first. You know, if I'm going to get surgeries. I need to get, I also need, I need glasses really bad. I can't see very well.

It's funny. Like, I have health insurance now, but, like, I can't use it. Like, I was like, oh, I'm going to see how much... Because I have good health insurance, like, comparably to what I had, you know? Oh, you do? And, dude, goddammit, man. That's great. I fucking...

Yeah. You know what, dude? I tried to do this show with you and uh some of us actually still rely on our parents for health insurance i'm happy for you dude yeah you can thank brock obama for that uh but my mom forgot that i uh don't see very well so she did So she forgot to put me on the vision insurance. So I have to wait until next year to get my eyes checked, which is okay.

I mean, as far as parenting flubs go, really not a big deal. Because if I was eight years old, it would be one thing. Here's the thing, I'm 23. Yeah. You know, if you've got seven kids, you forget one of them needs glasses. Because I don't really wear glasses.

I just need to. You're the second to youngest, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel like by, like, you and your youngest brother, that it's probably like a, you know what I mean? Like, they love you. Clearly, you know, they provided for you and shit. But I've just, it's because, like I said, I've got a really small family, man. It's me, my mom, and my little brother.

That's it. You know, I don't got, and so sometimes, you know, like, I'm reminded, like, I'm like, dude, yep, I would imagine that by the sixth kid, you're like, this one just needs to breathe and walk around. Yeah, I'm home of, I think, my fifth nephew right now. That's pretty buck wild. Yeah, no nieces. No nieces.

Five nephews, no nieces. At a certain point, you start wishing for nieces, you know? I guess I didn't wish either way, but, you know. Ashley's got two nephews and a niece so they're mine and then so far as we're together

you know but it's cool you can lose nephews yeah yeah that is funny she took the nephews yeah like

like if you know you break up or whatever you get a divorce you're like I mean I had a couple you know i don't know where they went to um but anyway uh yeah i fucking i i like i have health insurance and i was like i want to see how much shoulder surgery is uh it's still like fifteen thousand dollars it's just it's like it It's funny to pay all that money for the insurance,

and then you're like, oh, well, surely this is different than not having insurance. It's not much different, really, at all. I just like, you know, you pay like $300 a month to, I don't know, be able to go to the doctor. Yeah, well, I don't know if you've ever heard this from anybody jake but we live in the greatest country on earth i have heard that yeah so think about in a place like in a country like europe shoulder surgery would cost over a billion dollars and you'd have to wait 17 years yeah they don't have doctors. Yeah, they all have fucking, it's just Italian guys with little mustaches.

Yeah, it's really sad. And they try to fuck you and your wife. They have skilled watchmakers and pastry chefs and no doctors. Leather workers. Right, you can go to an excellent cobbler. Yeah, or a cooper, a guy who works on buckets. Right, a barrel maker. It's funny that Britishish people like my last

name is just like if you lived near a clearing in the woods like roads like british people like italian people they have like i guess it's like you know like a family line or whatever like a family name or like spanish people whatever like fuentesentes and Rosa and Rodrigo, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you're like, uh, if you, if your family line is like from the UK, Cooper Abbott row, it's like either where you lived or like what you did for a living. Like imagine if your name was Thomas podcaster labor or, you know, Jacob writing guy. What you doing over there, man? What you looking at?

I was seeing what white means. Oh, I think it's just the color of your skin. A nickname for someone with white hair or a pale complexion. It says 3% of them are truck drivers. Why does it even have that? That's so weird. That's so awesome. That's a fucking...

That's an awful statistic. 3% is... That's not insignificant. I mean, it's insignificant, but that's a lot of... Out of millions of people. Yeah, that's a solid 30,000 people. Last name White, you drive a truck?

I'm just doing bullshit now. I don't know. I don't know. I know there's like 50 people with my exact name in the DFW area. I checked. That's funny. That's fine. You know.

Rhodes isn't a super common name. You have the H in there, though. It's nice. Yeah. R-H-O. Yeah. I have the silly version. Yeah.

The little goofy guy version. I'm a little fucking piece of shit dude i've been smoking did you ever go through a phase where you thought about using an initial in your name yeah do you want yeah it's very funny when i wanted to be like a when i started when i was in high school i went through this phase where i was reading a lot of like um like hemingway and i was like i'm into literature and uh i wanted to be a writer like since i was a kid and uh i always thought like oh if i became a writer i would go by jh roads because it sounded you know like just one of those stupid fantasies you have like as a kid

where you're like if this life that i'm not gonna get i'm gonna completely change you know what i mean like i'm gonna jh roge sounds like an american writer's name whereas jake rhodes just sounds jake rhodes just kind of sounds like a guy you work you know he's like a line cook you know what i mean i i wanted to be thomas m white yeah that's Yeah, that's a good writer name. I didn't even really write. Or like T.M. White. You've got to go two initials, last name. You know what I mean? Yeah, or you can do first initial, then middle, last is another option.

Thomas M.W.? No, I mean you do your first initial and then your full middle and last name. T. Matthew White, white yeah that's good maxwell matt matthew come on now maxwell that's right that's a slightly different name yeah pretty much the same name jake every english name is just like yeah i guess it's kind of interchangeable I uh yeah I was almost I just found out I'm working Saturday awesome hell yeah

I was almost named Cody uh which would I think just wouldn't have gone I don't feel like I look like a Cody like a like every Cody I know has like 10 DUIs uh like they're sort of professionals at it but I was almost named Cody Allen Like every Cody I know has like 10 DUIs.

Like they're sort of professionals at it. But I was almost named Cody Allen. I almost said it. Sorry. I was going to say my mom changed it because she was like, your initials would have been car. And I was like, who gives a fuck? And she was like, oh, it just would have been silly. I was like, oh, all right all right i mean i guess that makes

sense but anyway cody allen is like that is like a like a real shit kicker name i can't i don't know you know what i mean like it's the male version it's like a country singer name or something yeah it's like the male version of like the girls like the southern girl names like britney marie It's like the male version of the southern girl names like Brittany Marie. Cody Allen Rhodes would be a sick country singer name. Yeah, of course. But like Outlaw, you know what I mean? I had to be an alcoholic, like a coke. It's like almost David Allen Coe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very much like Tyler Childers couldn't have done it, or Sturgill Simpson couldn't have done anything else. You could have, I guess. You could have worked at the railroad or whatever, but Merle Haggard, like, yeah, no, that's, you know. There's one thing you get to do. Hey, everybody, we're going to start this show now. We've been warming up.

I've been 15 minutes in. This is when it starts. That's right. I've had a tremendous amount of pain. My infection is clearing up, but my scalp has completely scabbed over, and I'm losing a lot of hair where this infection is. Wow. And I'm in an incredible amount of pain.

But here's the cool thing about being a guy is that you can take so much Advil that your liver starts to hurt. And you're just fine after that. Wow. Now, we've got... Oh, wow. We've actually got a call coming in. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. We're doing that this episode.

I forgot. Okay, one second. We've got a call coming in. I'm glad. This is from Little Mabel. Okay. Okay. From Tampa, Florida. Is she calling the Google number?

Yes. All right. All right. Let me connect. Fuck. All right. It's connected, but I have to patch her in. All right.

Mabel. Hello. Hi. I'm Mabel. but I have to patch her in. All right. Mabel, hello. Hi, I'm Mabel. Hey, Mabel. Welcome to Padeo Time. So this is like a new thing we're doing. I don't know if it's going to work or not, but we're trying to get listeners to call in. All right, okay.

So you're from Tuscaloosa. Tuscaloosa originally. Okay, where are you living now? I'm living in Tampa, Florida. I'm tired. Okay. I was tired of the fast life of Tuscaloosa. I decided to take it easy down south.

Okay, so you went from Tusca to Tampa. Nice. That's a nice transition. Yeah. So it says when you emailed us, it says that you worked as a truck stop prostitute for 55 years. So what made you

do that? Why'd you stay in that line of work? Truth be told, I really wasn't even in a tough spot financially and i hadn't really gone through anything um to make me do it like you weren't molested or anything or you weren't you know no no none of that i just it's kind of what i liked doing um you liked having sex with truckers sort of itinerant Growing up you know People would leave their pussies out To cool on the windowsill

And we would just go up there and eat them Oh okay So something did sort of happen to you You led me to believe that nothing bad had happened Nothing bad That was good I liked it So in Tuscaloosa, is that like a tradition that women would leave their pussies out in the windowsill like pies?

Yeah, men would leave their penises out in the window, too, and they'd shut it to where only their penis would stick out. It would cool off. Right, after working it. It would look like the balls were spilling out of the window. Right, yeah, that's an old coal miner's trick. It would look like the balls were spilling out of the window. Right. Yeah, that's an old coal miner's trick. After they'd come back from the mines, they'd be so hot down there that they'd put their penis and nuts in the windowsill.

And then their wives, because growing up in a Christian community, if your husband's got his penis and testicles outside of the windowsill, then you've got to put your pussy out there, too. Yeah, that's where the phrase one bird and two stones come from because that's what it looked like when you shut the window on your picker. Yeah. So that led you to a life of... That was pretty much unrelated. It was just kind of something I remembered. kind of something i remembered i got into it because i applied for a job as a um as a prostitute at the truck stop oh so you went through indeed right okay right right back then we used to uh

you know zip recruiter right right that was in the dial-up days. So basically I started sucking dong and basically serving cunt out there. And I tell you what, I whipped up pussy like it was Sloppy Joe's on a Friday at school. They called me the lunch lady because I could whip up some pussy and i could whip up a scoop of pussy in 10 seconds flat so well that's incredible first of all thank you for sharing that part of your life with me uh second of all pleasure having you as a customer jake no of course i mean that's well that's how we got you on the show um there's one thing i love is old you know sort of old cooch old cooter cooter you better get me in it because i'm a real shooter um did you ever have uh do you ever fuck anybody famous yes i fucked uh actually I actually met several kind gentlemen who were on the more famous side.

I remember I met... You told me that you had sex with Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz, Vince Carter, whenever he was on the Raptors. Who else? M. Night Shyamalan. You had sex with M. Night? Yeah, that was, I was the reason why he made Lady in the Water. Oh, why?

Because I was, he saw me and I was in the water. He fucked you in the hot tub. Right. Right. tub. Right. Right. Yes. Right. That's correct. That's good, little Mabel.

And so I also made love to Macaulay Culkin when he was a little boy. That's okay. Well, we don't condone pedophilia on this show. No, no. He was full grown. He was just still little looking. Oh, okay, okay. This was last year.

He's just a little boy to me. Okay. That's good, little Mabel. Yeah. It's good. It was nice. He was looking like a friendly skeleton, bone in me. That's incredible.

Well, you know, the thing about prostituting is it's the world's oldest profession. Yeah, and everybody who does it enjoys it and does it out of their own free will, which is really, most people don't know that about the industry. Yeah, you know, you'd think that it'd be something that you do out of... Right, it seems like trafficking would be heavily involved. Quiet desperation. It seems like most people would be against it,

like against women having to do it. But one good thing about me being a progressive lady most people would be against it, like against women having to do it. But one good thing about me being a progressive lady is I'm glad all these women have to do it. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing about this show is we're a leading podcast, a leading left-wing podcast, and there's one thing that I can get behind as a leftist. It's the idea that selling your body for sex is a progressive thing. Right. You know, it's what Marx would want. And I would tell, you know, whenever I'll be given poop blowjobs.

Okay. Could you explain that to me? It's where you give a guy a blowjob while he poops. That's called a blumpkin. No, no. We used to call it the poop blowjob. It was our nickname for it. It's a clever nickname.

I really couldn't figure out what was happening. I came up with it, actually. Oh, okay. I said, mister, I think I'm giving you a poop blowjob. He said, hey, hey, hey. It was really sad. You suck Fat Albert's dick, Mrs. Mabel. I gave him a poop blowjob.

That's crazy. That's awesome to hear. He had one of the biggest poops I'd ever seen. And he had to clean it up. It was all stinky. Well, Ms. Mabel, that's an interesting piece of trivia. Yeah, and that's a fact you suck fat albert's dick you coined a sexual term you were the longest serving prostitute in the uh

in that pilot location that fort worth loves truck stop um no this was in tuscaloosa oh i thought you were a contractor, kind of like the green. Yeah, somewhat. I was definitely not independent, but I was a contractor. I'll be honest. Fat Albert, he is gargantuan. He's big. Now, you said that when we were...

He had the biggest, reddest shirt I'd ever seen. You said that when you reached out to us, you got this organization that you're doing called Pop That Pussy for Tots. And you're trying to get young people interested in OnlyFans and sex work. Is that true? Correct. So Pop That Pussy for Tots is an outreach program for underprivileged kids. Mm-hmm. You know, and... If there's one thing I think that we need to promote as a society,

it's that somebody's starting an Only fans on their 18th birthday well i wish we could get people doing it earlier honestly you know hardship laws yeah i think if you can drive a car you can pop that pussy my uncle drove a truck when he was 12 because he got a hardship yeah he worked on a farm i told an older gentleman I was jealous of him getting a hardship license one time because I didn't know what that was. Turns out he had to feed his family when he was a little kid. And I thought, man, this guy was fucking lucky. He got to go to Sonic every day. Turns out he grew up dirt poor.

Yeah, I had a similar thing mabel you know i had a friend who uh he used to park his car where the teachers were when we were in eighth and ninth grade and i thought it was so cool it turns out yeah he just uh he had to work on his parents farm and they were basically surfs, modern day surfs. And he drove a shitty Corolla. Wasn't even a cool, you know, like a work truck or nothing like an old C10 or anything or an old Ford.

It just was a shitty Corolla. And I remember thinking that's the luckiest kid alive because I got to wait two more years to drive a shitty Corolla and he gets to drive one to the eighth grade, you know, but, but that's the funny, the funny thing about life is you're not grateful. You know, you're not grateful for things until they've passed you by

and you want a life that isn't yours. Is there anything you wanted to do besides hooking? Did you ever want to do anything else? I used to. I thought about becoming a hitman. But as it turns out, I'm too nice i'm too nice i'd rather get poop blow jobs you'd rather get poop blow jobs and you'd rather have sex right i love having sex and that's amazing yeah well miss mabel that's me yeah i think we gotta i think we gotta take

a couple more guests on pandejo time. Okay, I appreciate your time. I appreciate you. Thank you, Miss Mabel. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. You take care. Bye-bye, Miss Mabel. I hated that bitch. Yeah, she was really inappropriate. Stupid hoe. And I think she wasn't being completely truthful because Fat Albert is a cartoon.

I think she just blew a big fat black guy. I think she blew a really fat black trucker which hey that's fine but don't try to make it like cool you know i mean i think he was just wearing a red shirt yeah i mean like you know like people like random guy a poop blow job yeah the people who name drop but you can tell they're lying like oh i ran into so you know oh you know it's all about clout for people like that a Little Miss Mabel, yeah, for sure. She strikes me as a person like, the one thing I really hate about old women is how slutty they are.

Yes. And Little Miss Mabel is a great example of a woman who should have just gotten married. Because what are these young thotties going to do when it's time to settle down and get a husband? They're going to be all beat through and ran down. And who's going to want to marry them not me certainly not me you know no thank you and we're prime real estate let me tell you yeah we are high value men dude i swear to god like a lot of millionaires yeah yeah million billionaires yeah i I know 100% whether or not our S-Corp was certified by the state.

I have real estate. I have properties. I have a 20-inch penis. That's fucked up. I have millions in the bank. I have gold bars. I have... gold bars.

I have... You know, there's other things I can't even talk about. For sure. No, I understand. But I see we're getting our next caller. So we're going to bring them on. You want to field the questions on this one? Well, you can... Okay. Who is this? I don't know. You're the one. You have the Google thing in front of you can yeah okay who is this i don't know you're the one you have

the google thing in front of you right okay this is um bubby dubby he is calling from let's see bubby dubby can you see where he's calling from hold on what. What's his name? Bubby Dubby. Oh, Bubby Dubby. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He's, let's see here. He's calling from Thailand. He's calling from Phuket.

Bubby Dubby is calling from Thailand. Okay, cool. I guess I'll pick up the phone now. Okay, yeah. Just connect. Just use the little Google Hangout thing. Hello, Bubby Dubby. is this you hi hi my name is my name is bobby dummy hello hello bobby hey how's it going did you expect me to talk a different way i wasn't to be honest but mr dubby i wasn't, to be honest, but Mr. W, I wasn't sure how you'd speak, but I'm glad to hear your voice. How are you today?

I'm good. I just got out of wrestling practice. I'm an oil midget wrestler down here in Phuket. And the goofy thing about being a wrestler out here in Thailand is they treat you like a celebrity. And they give you all sorts easy access to to cool shit down here you know you can have sex with pretty much anything down here uh they've got no laws like that and uh i mean you pretty much do whatever you want to i grew up in appalachia but um you can you can do whatever the fuck you want down here you know what you can do you can get pussy um from like a person who was in a shipping container most their life and then you can go um you can go pay a guy to have a cow step

on a landmine same day it's a beautiful place out here so it looks like we've got some ground to cover here uh where did you grow up i grew up in west virginia okay yeah nice right outside of uh right outside harper's ferry a town called incest west virginia wow that's really nice so you you came to to to thailand yeah for through your wrestling career yeah Yeah, so it turns out, you know, I was born in a time, I mean, everything's a little bit more progressive these days, but I grew up in a time where being a midget, you know, people call us little people now, being a midget was something that they'd just kill you for.

You know, they'd throw you in a lake, they'd tie cinder blocks to your Johnson, and they'd throw you down in a pond and let the catfish suck on you until you died. It wasn't nothing to be proud of. But what I started doing, I started going down around with a freak show. Me and the bearded lady, she'd poke me with sticks and stuff. I'm really just a lady work down at the Piggly Wiggly. And I found out I was pretty good at wrestling

because I'd have to fight her off. So when were you born? Oh, I was born in 2008. Oh, okay. Yeah. Were they doing that to little people where you were from? In San Luis Virginia? Yeah, they're doing it to

us. They do it to just about anybody. It's really a town of about 15 people. It's more of like an unincorporated community. And anything goes out there. You know, it's one of them Appalachian towns that, you know, you can get away with a lot. But they didn't take too kindly to me. So I moved to Thailand.

I got me a wife out there. take too kindly to me so i moved thailand uh i i have i got me a wife out there and uh i'm championship midget midget oil wrestler out there in phuket hmm that's nice um you know what they say about phuket no i don't know anything they say about phuket what do they say about they when you go to phuket thailand you meet a local they say welcome to phuket, Thailand, you meet a local, they say, Welcome to Phuket. That's about, I guess, if I were to take a guess at what they'd say there, I'd say something along those lines. It's a fun little catchphrase they got down there. Right, yeah.

Kind of like the Damian Marley song, you know. I don't know who that is. I don't listen to that. I don't listen to them type of music. Have you heard the Welcome to song i don't i don't take too kindly to the people who make that type stuff um okay well um that's fine bubby um well thank you for whatever that was it was um it was great it was certainly talking to you, we don't gotta keep... Bye. Fuck Bobby and his ass. What a strange creature.

You know, sometimes... Sometimes you try to do a Google call thing. Can I tell you a secret? Yeah, for sure, man. Just let me know. I fucked Bobby. I fucked Miss Mabel.

It's not a big deal. I mean, the cool thing about podcasting and being podcasters is you can kind of be, you know, like you're celebrities, right? So you can have sex. You can do whatever you want. Nothing bad has ever happened to a podcaster who's secretly a sexual deviant. You know what I mean? It's kind of the one thing that people really respect you for, so they'll let you do stuff.

You know what I mean? They'll let you get a little fucking weird with it. Right, right. You know, I think fame has really gotten to me. For sure, man. I can tell because you've switched up and you've been acting different and you've been smoking different. You've just been kind of like on a different –

I've been smoking different. I've been sucking different. Yeah. I've been different. Yeah. I mean, and, you know, you've got like so many girlfriends. Right. right you know the one

the one thing yeah that right I hate this bit it's not true you're just like kill Bill Sirens I have one girlfriend it's funny you're like we can pretend to be You're just like Kill Bill Sirens I have one girlfriend We get

It's funny You're like We can pretend to be Like pedophile midgets We can pretend to be Old whores It was like You got a bunch of girlfriends

And your eyes get wide You're like Hey listen Quit playing with me I got one girlfriend I got one girlfriend That I love Quit fucking talking On my name dude like dude she made

me chicken last night i can't tell you that um but yeah so the ruse is up we both have one girlfriend yeah i don't know if you guys thought that we were a bunch of womenizing minds two girlfriends Yeah, I don't know if you guys thought that we were a bunch of womanizing. A combined two girlfriends. Yeah. Between us. Yeah, our girlfriends get along. They're friends.

Yeah. If you don't like that, fucking deal with it. There's no fucking way they both got girlfriends. What do you think they've hung out with each other? Their girlfriends have? What the fuck? They have? I had a guy like early on in the show,

like DM me on Twitter and then blocked me. He said I wasn't as funny because I had a girlfriend. Like a long-term girl. Like it was like, you're not funny. I understand. You do? No, yeah, I get I think it's The deeper in the pits of desperation somebody is Oh, I see what you mean

People are like, oh yeah, here we go This is my type of guy Yeah, I see what you mean They want to see you down bad Yeah, I see what you mean They don't want to see you winning, Jake They don't want to see us winning They don't want to see us on top, shining

Throwing cash out the top of the Empire State Building, fucking jumping off that thing. Yeah. Trampolining at the bottom. I bounce up. I'm taller than the fucking Empire State Building. Boing, boing, boing. Boing.

Motherfucker, I'm bouncing like crazy. How tall could you jump off to a big-ass trampoline? That's a question we used to uh i had one of the my neighbor had one of the trampolines with the uh with the net and me and another older kid in the neighborhood we used to get uh my little brother and all the other kids to do uh like a kid's uh ufc i would just give them my gloves and we would have them beat the dog shit out of each other uh this was like two years ago no i think i was like 13 or 14 and uh we did like a like a fake ultimate fighter where it's like me and my my buddy who was like a few years older than me we would just like get drunk and smoke weed and be like,

all right, who's going to be on Rick's team? And they would go over there. Who's on my team? And we had like four neighborhood kids. They were like around my brother's age, I guess like seven or eight. And one of the funnest things that we could do was create beef, like on the show. It's like, hey, Todd're that you could punch like a

girl the kid would be like i don't punch like a girl and i'm gonna i won't fight todd next and be like all right well here's the thing todd he's 15 and zero which means he's got 15 wins and he said that he can beat you up and he could be up your dad too. They would be like, ah! You know, like kids just get the kind of rage where they can't speak. And I'm going to let you know something here. I didn't know that apparently the parents of kids who would come over to play with my little brother didn't think it was cool that me and another guy

were having their children beat the shit out of each other. They just didn't take it was cool that me and another guy were having their children beat the shit out of each other they just didn't take too kindly to that uh they thought it was pretty irresponsible of us to do uh fucking go figure you know what i mean uh we tried to uh film a couple of them and put them on youtube but i'm pretty i that was the one. The closest, I think, other than my dad, a grown man ever came to killing me. We had a shitty little camera. It was my dad had this old handheld camera. It recorded on little discs. And we were trying to do a sketch.

It was early days of YouTube. And our brilliant sketch idea was Kids UFC. That was the sketch. was no like characters it was just hey i'm jake this is my friend rick and we're gonna have nine-year-olds break each other's noses that's that's literally all it was and uh we were all on the trampoline and i was like filming and i look over and the two kids are fighting in the trampoline just like fucking wailing on each other. And I look over and this kid's dad is just fucking making a beeline for the backyard, like coming towards me. And he's like, hey, motherfucker, you know, like, hey, you're not going to put my fucking kid on YouTube. I told you not because, again, it was pretty bad of, like, have kids beat the fucking shit out of each other.

But there's not a lot to do where I grew up. And, you know, when you start drinking beer and smoking weed in, like, seventh grade, you kind of run. I mean, you can only jack off and smoke so many cigarettes and play so much Call of Duty. You start to look for other things. You know what I mean? Right. I guess. And, yeah, I suppose.

You know? I guess. Yeah, I suppose. And so, of course, naturally, the thing that you evolve into is running a neighborhood-wide child. And, dude, we would try to, like, and, of course, I had been boxing for, like, three weeks. So I was, like, of course, you know, lying to these kids. I'm like, look, I'm Golden Gloves. So, like, you're going to want me as your coach. And they'd be like, oh, really? And I'm like, 100%. And rick over here he's a fucking uh jiu-jitsu black belt uh rick my friend rick was not a jiu-jitsu black belt my friend rick

worked at the food mart across the street from our house and he sold me weed and so anyway we would do like coach fights so him and i would beat the shit out of each other be like see it's cool you know it's okay to do this stuff and they'd be like oh yeah cool so we would do like coach fights. So him and I would beat the shit out of each other and be like, see, it's cool. You know, it's okay to do this stuff. And they'd be like, Oh yeah, cool. So we would have them beat the shit out of each other. Anyway,

that kid's dad came over. Um, and he like made me delete the video, uh, of his son and another kid beating the shit out of each other. And, uh, then he asked to box me,

of course, which I obliged. And he whooped the fuck out of me. Uh, he beat the shit out of me pretty good um I thought it would be funny he's like to like oh I thought he was like playing I mean he's clearly mad but he was like you know I was joking with him and oh it's just a joke you know blah blah blah blah and uh anyway he was like all right well let's strap up you know and I was like oh

okay cool I thought that guy just whooped the fuck out of me, which I guess was better than him, like, actually fighting me. You know what I mean? Like, beating, you know, on a kid, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know that this... It's good this turned out the way that it did. Sounds like everybody made the right calls on that one.

In the end, it was okay because I was a kid, but then this older dude just beat the fuck out of me. So it was justice. Well, I don't know how else. I just thought we were having fun like i never really thought too much that like maybe we shouldn't get like fifth graders to beat the shit out of each other and put each other in arm bars uh i didn't know what else to do really i was just really bored um and uh kind of like stopped skateboarding around that time. So like my, and my only hobby was that. Um, so I mean, yeah, naturally you're like, oh, there's kids my brother's age.

Um, and they see us cause me and that guy, we would go out in the front, like we would get really drunk and we will go out in the front yard and beat the fuck out of each other. That was like our thing to do. And our little friend group is what we did. Like we were kind of, we were that group of i guess junior high high school kids it's like you know our parents kind of left us to our own devices so we'd steal a bunch of middle of light out of the fridge and then throw on shitty pairs of boxing gloves and just whoop the fucking shit out of each other and uh and they saw us doing that and i was

like oh you know it's not a bad idea i'm gonna teach these kids how to fight i didn't teach any of them how to fight at the time i didn't really know how to fight um and you know, it's not a bad idea. I'm going to teach these kids how to fight. I didn't teach any of them how to fight. At the time, I didn't really know how to fight. And, you know, they're going to learn something. They didn't learn anything. They learned just how bored a suburban neighborhood kid can get. I mean, you know, that sounds bad, phrasing it that way. Phrasing it that way sounds pretty sinister. Well, when you phrase it like that, it could have been worse, I guess.

No, I didn't molest any of the kids, if that's what you're wondering. No, I wasn't wondering. No, of course not. I don't think I was not suspicious. But I've heard things, Jake. People are starting to ask questions about this story. Now, I do find it interesting. Now, did you fight this man on a trampoline?

Oh, yeah. He got on the trampoline and whooped my ass. I had to guard him. So it was you. It was a 14-year-old you and, like, a 40-year-old man. Yeah, a mid-40-year-old man and a trampoline. it was 14 year old you and like a 40 year old man for about, yeah, mid 40 year old man in a trampoline.

And so anyway, he comes over and he's pissed at where he was like, don't put my, right. No, I understand that. I find it funny that he got revenge also in a trampoline. Well,

I don't know why we boxed in the trampoline. I don't remember that part of it. Um, or why I know that the gloves were in there and i was in there and uh me and my other friend was there and we were gonna fight after the kids fought it was gonna be like the main event you know what i mean we were gonna do like you know uh the main event fight um keyboard cleaner is a really powerful drug and uh anyway yeah he jumped in there and was bitching me out. And then, like, I thought everything was cool because he kind of started laughing, you know.

But in hindsight, I realized it was like the way a grown man starts to be like, you know. Yeah. You know what? This actually is pretty funny. We should, you know, what you should do. You should film. We should box around. You know, that would be funny. We should, you know, what you should do. You should film. We should box around. You know, that would be funny for your little show.

And, of course, I was, you know, as a teenager, I was like, oh, yeah, that would be funny to throw it up on YouTube. And that guy just whooped the fuck out of me, like I said. Yeah. And just to reiterate. It wasn't a trampoline. It wasn't a trampoline. I do. in a trampoline.

I do... I'm trying to think that, you know, I think a lot of fight scenes in movies would have been dramatically different in a trampoline. It's hard to get your footing and, like, really plant and throw bombs in a trampoline. Everyone fighting in a trampoline

looks fucking dumb as hell, dude. That's a stupid-ass way to fight well i understand i understand you know kids fucking around but that man had the rage of god in his heart yeah at that moment yeah i realized that now he was bouncing around yeah he's in a trampoline and then after i was like oh man you got me pretty good and he was like yeah and he was like he. And he was like, yeah. And he was like, he told, he was like, basically he was, him and my dad were friends. And what's funny is this guy, I've told a story about him on the show before. This is the same guy.

I went over his son, his youngest son called my little brother's girlfriend. The N word. Is this the thong guy? It-word is this the thong guy it is it's the thong guy and uh and and so i didn't you know he's an alco he was an alcoholic fucking you know like grease monkey like dude that worked on cars in his garage and he had a shithead son i didn't feel too bad about having his son box another kid in the neighborhood. Because his son sucked too. Anyway, neither here nor there.

Yes, the thong guy and the guy who got mad at his son for getting beat up by a nine-year-old. Yes, that same guy. He came out and I thought... Yeah, so I guess being in the trampoline was not you fought a dude who was wearing probably true religions over a thong in 8th grade a 45 year old

mechanic yeah I did right right right right under the influence of you know I think maybe this could be misconstrued as something bad that happened to me Yeah, I did. Right. Right, right, right. Under the influence of Seth. You know, I think maybe this could be misconstrued as something bad that happened to me. And I got to reiterate that it wasn't. It was very funny. I look upon that moment in my life and I do laugh. But, yeah.

Shout out to that guy. Shout out to Big Mike. Here's his full name and current updated address uh he uh he he was one of those dudes that he was in the coast guard uh my dad was in the army and uh he would always be like yeah you know you know, Army guys, you know. That's, you know, Army Marines and Coast Guard. Like, you know the culture of the military. It's like Army and the Marines are like the tough, real, and then everybody makes fun of guys in the Navy and the Air Force.

I never served, but I had friends who did, and that's the general thing I get from them. It's like it's Army, Marines, and then like, oh, the Air Force are a bunch of pussies and Navy's are a bunch of gay guys. That's like, you know, the jokes that I've heard. Right, yeah.

Well, that guy would be like, he was in the Coast Guard and then I think he got like discharged because he like fucked his knee up or something like getting off a boat. But sometimes

he would get drunk. My dad never gave a fuck. My dad was like in the Army but was not like a troop. Like he wasn't like, he wasn't like a, you know gave a fuck. My dad was in the Army, but was not like a troop. He wasn't like a, you know what I mean? He just went to the Army because he had a manic episode and then got stuck there. But they would get drunk together in the driveway, and he would be like, yeah, you know, them Air Force and them Navy guys, they take the easy way out.

My dad would be like, I mean, yeah mean I don't know man some Navy guys are hard as hell you know an Air Force you gotta be pretty smart he's like yeah but you know you get them cushy jobs it ain't like ain't like Army Marines and Coast Guard like like my dad would be talking about a friend that he was like in the army with who was like you know like a real like hard motherfucker or whatever I don't know you know maybe true maybe a tall tale maybe not i don't know uh and then you know he'd be like yeah you know them army guys are tough marines are tough and you know who else tough coast guard which is like the gate like it's the branch that's like no one considers legitimate or whatever the fuck it's like the it, it's the cartoon, it's the Looney Tunes.

Yeah. Yeah, it's, I mean, the worst part is just being on a boat for a long time. What? Coast Guard. So the worst part is just being on a boat for a long time,

for the Coast Guard. Yeah, well, I feel like. You're just, you're just away from home for a while, but it's like, you know,

you just kind of hang out. A lot of my friends in high school that were like my burnout friends that didn't, I guess, go to jail, they went to the military. And I had a couple friends that went to the Navy. And they were like, oh, you know, it sucks dick really bad, but you're in the Navy. And you can be a CB or whatever the fuck like you can be a cb or whatever the fuck you can be goddamn you can be a seal if you want but it you know it does suck to be on the

boat but do you have those options of doing like cool shit but like you're in a coast guard like do you are you on a smaller boat i don't know anything about the coast guard does coast guard have special forces i'm about to find out dude Dude, imagine. Please, I hope they do, dude, because I feel like we could do it. If there's any special forces group you and me could be in, I think it's the Coast Guard. You don't think I could be a Green Beret? I don't think so, man. You are so fucking dumb sometimes, dude. I could literally be an Army Ranger in two weeks if I wanted to.

Yeah, it's called the Coast Guard, the DSF, the Deployable Specialist. Honestly, though, dude, I've never had, like, military fantasies. I've never had any interest in that shit. I always... I don't, but I do... I'm kind of... I am very interested, and I do find it interesting of like the bizarre shit that that like psychologically and physically like they turn human men into like

like like like sociopaths like it's it's like I find that part of it not good I'm just kind of like the shit that they that they like like all those guys that come back and start podcasts and tell people you know do the ice baths and do jiu-jitsu like all those guys were tortured by the state you know and they've all like they all have ptsd it's just weird like i always found it interesting the shit that they like you know put people through to turn them into sort of remorseless killing machines. Yeah, yeah. You know... You never wanted to join them? I never wanted to join.

I have never... Well, see, I've got family that... Like, my brother was in the Marines, and my brother-in-law was in the Coast Guard, and knew a few other people, and I just... You know, I mostly heard about the shit that sucked. Yeah. And I also understood that it was a very disciplined endeavor.

And I also knew you didn't start out making good money. And I also assumed that I would be a millionaire by now. So I was right about some things and I was wrong about others. It's funny that I had no middle of the spectrum when I was 15. I figured by 29

I would be either dead or like a millionaire lawyer. I thought I would be dead by 21 for sure. Yeah, I thought 25 when I was a teenager, I thought i would be dead by 21 for sure yeah i thought 25 when i was a teenager i figured i'd be dead by 25 no doubt i just didn't think that i would live that long like it and i never really had any reason why i guess other than just like you know doing drugs and drinking and shit but i remember when we used to so we had these like counselors, not like therapists,

but you know like high school counselors that they like help you with your SATs and shit. They, you know, especially like I was a part of like the, nobody in my family went to college. So I had to go to the, they had this thing called AVID. I don't know if you guys had it at school,

but part of it was like, oh, if no one in your family went to college they would teach you like how to apply for scholarships and like all this stupid shit i remember one of the counselors was like you know what is your 10-year plan i was like 16 i was like i don't know um i gotta like try to if i was like if i don't become a skateboarder or a musician millionaire i'll probably just like die and she was like what well what's your fallback plan and i was like oh i don't you know i guess maybe i can go to college and be a lawyer but like it sounds stupid she's like okay lawyer that's good well

what do you know about like you know you looked at law school like i didn't even know you had to go to a different one i just thought that you go to college, you say, I want to be a lawyer. And then like three years later, you make a half a million dollars. I had no fundamental idea about how like any of that shit worked. Yeah, I wanted to be in politics when I was in high school. Same. Yeah. Fuck that.

Yeah, I worked for an opposition research firm for six months uh in college and basically what we did is we dug up dirt on like republican candidates and then we wrote profile books on them and then we would sell that dirt to uh democratic candidates i uh worked for like a still with her hillary type lady. Um, and, uh, it was fun like digging through, like, you know, like, uh, we used a bunch of like, like Lexus Nexus, a bunch of like paid, like public record search. And you could find that, you know, guys had, you know, gotten some shit, you know, buried deep, but not erased, you know, prost duis domestic violence um but i realized very quickly that like that world is so stupid like i don't know why i thought it was cool for a little while

like i really wanted to be like i wanted to work in politics when i was like in college and shit like i wanted to go law school politician uh and then I met people who did that shit for a living like campaign managers and like I did door knocking for a bit dude by the way anyone listening to this I swear to god easiest fucking money you can make and if you're in college or if you're a little younger some of these places pay like 15 16 17 bucks an hour I'm gonna put you guys on game go be a door knocker. Here's what they do. They give you an iPad.

You got to knock on like 250 doors. Now, the iPad does track your location, so don't fuck around. But here's the thing. You go knock on doors and you knock on doors for a candidate. You knock on the door. You're supposed to do this. You knock on the door and say, hey, have you heard about so-and-so? They say, no.

They're like, oh, do you vote in local elections? They say, sometimes. You say, well, here's this guy. He's a sick-ass motherfucker. He's got a huge set of nuts and a fat pipe. You should vote for him. And the person goes, eh. And then you marked him off on the iPad that you talked to them. And you marked him off as interested, not interested.

If they ask you to not come back, then you have to take them off the list. You can just lie that you knocked on the doors. You do got to walk around. Like, you can't go fucking fuck off. You can just lie that you knocked on the doors. You do got to walk around. Like, you can't go fucking fuck off. But I would just, like, get real shit drunk in my car and then park my car in these neighborhoods and then walk around with an iPad and then just mark people off the list.

And, like, never, you know. They said I was pretty good at the job because I hit a lot of doors. And I gave them good data. I think I talked to, like, three people the whole time I did it. It's good money, though. You can just lie. And it's paid for by the campaign so you know some of them pay pretty good uh but anyway yeah i don't know why i thought yeah you did that for um freaking donald trump didn't you yeah i was a pretty the heaters i was a pretty big donald Trump guy. I was like an early on Donald Trump guy. Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, like 2002. I was like... I was a big... Yeah, I remember in the 60s, I was a big Trump guy. Yeah. Fred Trump. I was a big Fred Trump guy. Man, his parents are fucked up looking, dude.

They're goofy looking creatures. Are either of them alive? No, they can't be because he's like 80. Yeah, no, I'm going to say. That's just not how time works. That's not. Yeah, that's not how old people work. Yeah, are they 110 now?

Yeah, that sounds right. Oh, man. Dude, I've talked about him on here recently. But like I told you, my great, I guess he'd be my great great uncle. No, I've talked about him on here recently, but I told you my great... I guess he'd be my great-great-uncle. No, my great-uncle. What is your great-grandfather's brother? Let me Google that.

Is that your great... Great-great-uncle? Great-great-uncle. What is great-grandfather's brother? Great-uncle. Oh, yeah, yeah, my great-uncle. grandfather's brother. Great uncle. Oh, yeah, yeah, my great uncle. Wait, no, great uncle is the same generation as your grandfather. If you go back a further generation, the brother of your great grandfather

is your great-great uncle, which can confuse people since there's a, yeah. Anyway, my great-great uncle, he fought in World War II and in Korea, and he's still alive. My mom sent me a picture of him at some, or I don't think he fought in Korea. I think he was like at that point was like you know didn't have to fight no more. He was you know he was still in the military.

She was like look it's your great great uncle Cecil and he's celebrating you know the World War II to VFW. This guy looked like shit. A lot of people in my family live to be close to 100 or over. And I hope that's not me.

Like, I don't, I'm not trying to be edgy, like, oh, life, meh. But dude, past, past 80, past 75, I feel like is just,

you're bragging. You know what I mean? mean like you're fucking peacocking 75 is not that old 75 is old dude no it's old but it's not I don't think you'll be wishing for the end of the line in 75 maybe not I mean I maybe

yeah you're right that's a good point cause and when you get to death's door you know you just people want to scrape by as long as they can. I don't know, man, because my great-grandfather refused surgery. Same with my grandma. They refused surgery that could have kept them around a little longer. My great-granddad was like, nah, I'm solid, man.

He was like 94. He was like, I'm good. He was still active right up until right before he died, but he had like a I think it was like a tumor or something that that they could have taken out and probably bought him another 10 years but he said fuck that shit I'm I'm out now the last words he said when he died were ah shit and then he died that comes directly from my mother and his son my grandfather I wasn't there for that but it made me laugh very hard apparently he was in bed everybody's all around him a hospice nurse had loaded his ass up with some good shit and he was not talking too much but his breathing had gotten really erratic and you know

you know my mom's crying when she's telling me this uh and it was not a good time for me to laugh i don't know if somebody's ever told you something that to them was traumatic but as an outsider looking in as it was funny i don't know maybe i maybe i'm just fucking stupid or whatever but my mom is like you know i think i was like 16 or 17 and and she comes home and she's like hey he's went and saw the lord he's not hurting no more and i was like oh no i you know i love my great granddad he was a good man i mean he was like an old racist guy but he he was good enough you know he fed me grits and shit and taught me how to start a fire uh i was like oh you know what happened did he die in his sleep she's like no we were all around him he started breathing

funny and and then he he opened his eyes and we you know we were talking to him and and he i don't know why but he just oh he just said oh shit and he died i just fucking started crying laughing and nobody thought that was good i mean i was a fucking shithead teenager but like that is so funny to me you're surrounded by your friends and family you got one thing left to say you got one breath you got one lung full of air left and you could say one lung full of air left and you could say god my beautiful family thank you lord you could say fucking you could say i i was like my life my long life thank you all so much you got three four generations of motherfuckers um my my i guess my second or third cousin he had a kid so that was her i'm not kidding that kid was three it was our great great granddad there

this fucking this guy lived a long ass time and also you know my family they cranked out kids at like 15 16 17 years old so whatever but you have everybody there you sired you you brought by proxy like 150 people into the world, man. Kinda. You got one thing left to say. Oh, shit. Just flatline. Which is pretty awesome.

I mean, I guess that... What do you think you'd say? Surrounded by friends and family? Like in bed. What do you think you'd say? I can't seem to think of what I might. Yeah. Just hit him with a Tony Johnny. Yeah.

We in this. Hey Hey look I see the light And I'm out this bitch Y'all gay as hell Damn Damn Mother Mary

Mother Mary looking tight as hell Oh shit I think I'm going to hell Dude that would be a pretty good one Like you know In bed Fucking IV pumping morphine directly into your shit. You know, hospice nurse monitoring all your shit.

Fucking, you know, your son is like 70 years old. Grandkids are like 30. You got your great-grandson there. He's fucking teething. And they're like, you know, religious family. You know, they're like, it's okay. It's okay, Thomas. You can go see Jesus now.

I see him. Ah, he's got. He's big and red. He's jacked. He's got a towel on his head. Is that? His beard is so big. Oh, Osama? Osama bin Laden? His beard is so big.

Osama? Osama Bin Laden? He's got a funny mustache. It's like a little square. I'm the only white guy here. I don't know where I am. It's hot as hell. There's a big red jacked guy. Wait.

There's a 50. Yeah, whichever place I'm in, I'm the only white guy here. They were like, either way, that can't be good. That's not good, man. You need to fight longer, brother. It's a flawed system. Yeah. I remember getting into an argument with a youth group or whatever,

and then I came home. My mom and I, around the time in high school, I stopped going to church. She was rightfully upset, and plus I was very smug about it. But I was like, you know, just being a dickhead teenager, and I was like, is heaven just like like, hanging out with, like, all the people in your family? She was like, yes, you see everybody. You know, you're up there in heaven with Jesus and God and everybody.

And I was like, dude, our family fucking sucks. I don't want to hang out with them at all. Do you got to tell me I got to hang out with Aunt Cindy? Like, I don't want anything to do with her. I got to hang out with, you know, C i don't want anything to do with her i gotta hang out with you know cousin kyle like that fucking weird pervert like he was a christian but i'm pretty sure he also you know molested people so i gotta hang out with that guy you know like and of course being baptists we believe in you know salvation through grace You can be a huge sack of shit, but as long as you're good with the Lord,

you can still get a ticket up there, and you're baptized. That's a big part of it. I remember thinking, I can't think of a worse hang. You know what I mean? I can't think of a worse hang. Eternity, eternity, immeasurable amount of time in an infinite landscape with Jesus, like a five-foot-two Syrian man, and then God, who I guess is just like a beaming thing of light

maybe in my head, and then all my shitty fucking cousins and my alcoholic uncles and my fucking weirdo shit-k shit kicker redneck inbred pervert cousins and then they're fucking fat weird ass wives like i don't i don't that sounds like shit to me it sounds fucked up i don't i don't think i want to do any of that my mom was like you know that's not nice and i'm like well if heaven if heaven is to me heaven is you can do

as much oxy as you want and you've never seen the first three season of the Simpsons every time you watch it it's like you've never seen it and you get to watch

on a big fucking 85 inch TV is it good yeah first three first like six are the goat they're the best

okay but like you can drink all the beer you want you can do all the pills you want Yeah, first three, first like six are the goat. They're the best. But like you can drink all the beer you want. You can do all the pills you want. You can snort all the coke you want. And you can watch cartoons. And maybe you got like a part-time job that pays $55 million a second. And like that, to me, that's heaven.

Like ideally, you know, I don't mean to get all theological on you brother but ideally we all create our own heaven you know like when you get there saint peter you know in front of the pearly gates and he's like yeah this is just for show you can do whatever the fuck you can make it your own if you got up here you did you did the right thing you know you've you love jesus or whatever but it's not like streets paved with gold and everybody doesn't get their wings and shit and you hang out with your family members who followed the good book. You can make it your own shit.

I'm like, oh, fuck, that's badass. I can do whatever the fuck I want. And St. Peter's like, yeah, you can do whatever the fuck you want, cocksucker, you're in heaven. And I'm like, all right, hell yeah. I want a bean bag that's the size of an Abrams tank and I want a blanket that just come out of the dryer. That's what i want and then i want i want uh just to be high as hell all the time off pills and i want to watch

cartoons forever he's like that's it are you sure because once you can't change your shit up i'm like yeah of course i could do that for you know 500 billion years or however long eternity is i don't think i would get tired of that personally um i mean i did it for like this what would what would your heaven be i'd like to stay in the ground like a worm you get up to heaven saint peter's like hey thomas hey jake's in there he's on a big ass beanbag and he's high as fuck off percocet that seems like a pretty good heaven. I know you guys are friends, and you had similar kind of interests. You want to hop in his heaven?

You can try it out. You can do a seven-day free trial. You don't got to commit. You make your own heaven. No, I want to be a worm. Can I just go back down in the dirt? You don't got to do nothing fancy for me. You just, you know, I just want to hang out.

Regular worm lifespan is fine he's like you don't regenerate if i just make you a worm worms don't get an afterlife that would be too complicated too big of a system so if you become a worm you're gonna have like a two-week afterlife i'm like hmm is there any way we could make it three and he's like i think worms can live three weeks i have to check i legitimately don't know let me just let me let me ask god real quick uh let me check he's like at least let me make you like an eagle and i'm like hmm is an eagle bigger than a worm and And he's like, who the fuck is this guy? This guy fucking sucks. How the fuck did you get up here, dude? You get up there and it's like, dude, you've got like 100 billion people in line behind you that are just like twiddling their thumbs.

I'm looking at my phone. Yeah, yeah. St. Peter's like, all right, dude, I check with God. We can give you two and a half weeks as a worm. But again, man, I can reincarnate you. I talked to the Hindu motherfucker, the big blue floating element. I can make that happen for you. But I need you to understand, we worked this thing out.

You die as a worm, that's it. You don't exist anymore. You don't go to heaven. You don't go to hell, which not existing is arguably worse. So, you know, I can turn you into it. So you're saying if I worked my way up in the worm kingdom, we could be looking at something big here. Listen, Thomas, no.

There's no worm hierarchy. You're just a sidewalk worm in the middle of summer in Nebraska. It's hot as hell. You know, you came up out the ground because they had a bad rain for a couple weeks. You were drowning, and then you just get stepped on. That's probably going to be your life. Okay. Or I start a business underground selling dirt to other worms.

No, I don't think you understand fundamentally the life of your average worm is a life of nothingness, which you will experience after you die as a worm. You understand? Like, you don't. I would like to be a worm in an apple. I mean, that's a little better. And just crunch around. But I wouldn't want to be munched on as a thing.

Well, I mean, here what how about this you can stay in heaven but your eternity can be a worm i can create the simulation for you i'm the guy um earth i know it has to be an earthworm okay so you don't because there's not a heaven but i'm trying to explain to you thomas you don't you don't have to be an actual worm you can be in heaven as a as your heavenly simulation you can still be in heaven you don't got to be an actual worm. You can be in heaven as your heavenly simulation. You can still be in heaven. You don't got to go down back to earth to be a worm. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Okay, yeah. New plan. I'm going to be a piece of grass on earth. But you'll get mowed Or pissed on or shat on by dogs Okay I'll do fly I'll do fly Fly have a 24 hour lifespan

You want to be a common house fly? You don't want to be a horse fly? I want to be a fly in a toilet Eating poop Okay you want to be a poop eating fly With a 24-hour life. I've been in line for 25 years. Yeah.

It's like a million people behind you like, hey, cocksucker, pick of heaven, dude. I didn't think I was going to make it up here. I don't know what the fuck. I think my kids are in line already, goddammit. Goddammit. I've been waiting. Hold on, baby, is that you?

Fuck. I was trying to find a new girlfriend up here before my wife died. Hey, I've been macking on this lady in line. Honestly, Thomas, you can take your sweet-ass time. I'm trying to fuck this Latina up here in line. Where are you from, baby? The Amazon? Shit.

I never made it south of fucking El Paso, but, I mean, hey. St. Peter. Wait, one second. One second. St. Peter. Thomas, hold on. I'm already in heaven. Yeah, you're already in heaven, man. Peter, wait one second, one second. St. Peter, Thomas, hold on. I'm already in heaven. Yeah, you're already in heaven, man.

Can I get pussy in line to get into heaven? That don't put me down to hell, does it? Honestly, man, we don't have a rule for that. I don't know. I feel like, I mean, yeah, you know what, man, fuck it. Yeah, you can fuck the Brazilian girl if you want. Hell yeah. What if she don't want to?

What if she's not exactly yeah is there there's no there's no pussy in heaven right i mean okay so muslim heaven because you're a because you're beyond that muslim heaven is the virgins and shit um is that real though i don't think so i think maybe that's just something racist you're told when you're a christian i don't know if that's actually what think so. I think maybe that's just something racist you're told when you're a Christian. I don't know if that's actually what it is. I feel like that's not what it mostly is. No. I don't think that's a driving force. No, I don't think.

Like, Land of Milk and Honey in 72 versions, I think that's just what you're told at Sunday school, like when you're told that's the enemy and they want weird stuff. Land of Milk and Honey is our thing. I don't know, man. Milk and Honey, I think. Well, it's an alien. stuff right you get land of milk and honey is our thing i don't know man and milk and honey i think well it's that was that was a that was a promise made to the to the israelites whenever they were gonna go to the promised land it was gonna be a land of milk and honey inhabited by giants which

were the canaanites oh no in quran it's the same thing um but i mean abrahamic tradition is you know there's a lot of similar shit. But in the holy book, milk is a manifestation of cleanness, freshness, truth, and life, giving a revitalized symbol. Anyway, I feel like the— What if a motherfucker is vegan? Oh, my God. Wow. With millennials, it would be almond milk product and stevia.

It would be a pink jelly insert and stevia, and you wouldn't get to have any sex because – Let me see. Hold on. 72 virgins Islam. There's some meaning of the Quranic passages according to Islamic jurisprudence. Ahmed Ali's translated version does not ever mention 70.

The number may vary. Versions that are found in Shakir's translated version. But men will receive 72 versions in the Hadith Corpus. What does Quran say about 72 versions? Nowhere in the Quran does it promise 72 versions. The Abrahamic word for virgin or Abrahamic word

has been mistranslated. The original word was the word for raisin. Holy shit. 72 raisins. Thanks. Hey. God, imagine

for all you. Imagine being one of the guys who did 9-11. Yeah, I was about to say. And then you get up there and they hand you some fucking trail mix yeah imagine blowing yourself up

at 17 years old you never got no pussy and you were promised by some big bearded fat motherfucker that like hey brother if you do this

Alhamdulillah you know Inshallah you will get 72 versions and all the milk and honey and you're like i don't give a fuck about no milk and honey big dog but i have not gotten any pussy and it's hot as hell in this desert so if i go blow up a fucking bus station in the uk you're telling me i get 72 clean women it's like 100 man that's what the quran says so get out there and be somebody playboy and you press that big red button and you blink and there's a guy like this. You just got a handful of dried. Hello.

Hello. 72 dried cranberries for you, Habibi. Dude, I'd be so fucking pissed. But hold on. Honestly, I could go for some figs or some dates. Yeah. Hold on. I want to read about this because that's funny as fuck. The original word that was used in the Quran was the word for raisin, not virgin. In other words, the martyrs would get raisins in heaven, not virgins. According to something Manji, an Islamic theologian. That is so awesome, dude. Hold on. If anybody is a theologian and they listen to this show and you

want to reach out to me if you've got more interesting stuff about this i am legitimately interested in this uh the quran says martyrs going to heaven will get her and the word was taken by early commenters commentators to mean virgins hence those 72 consorts but in aramaic her meant white and was commonly used to mean white grapes. That is awesome. Christoph Luxenborg, a scholar who pioneered such research, said in an email interview with Christoph that the reference to grapes made more sense in the context as Islam's holy book.

Quran compares them to pearls and crystals and that paradise is described as abounding with fruits, mostly white grapes. But Muslim fundamentalists regard the Quran, every word of it, as God's own language, and they have violently attacked free-thinking scholars as heretics. So Muslim intellectuals have been intimidated, and Islam has often been transmitted by narrow-minded extremists.

That is so awesome, dude. Because here's the thing. You ask me, I kill myself with the promise of getting a bunch of you know fucking bunch of fresh trim and i get a bunch of grapes instead i mean i guess that's not too bad but it's not even like a lot of great i feel like 72 grapes is a decent snack i can eat a fuck ton of grapes. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm now reading about suicide bombers. Apparently a lot of them are just like regular guys who like.

Yeah, like they're not. No, they're just like dudes who worked at the. Like they do coke and stuff. Yeah, they're like guys who worked at the bazaar. Oh, well, you know, that'll happen sometimes. What is the... We all go through phases. Yeah, you know, honestly, man... Honestly, a guy like me, I don't need a lot.

If I get to heaven... If I get to hell, I feel like... I feel like... Would you think you'd be pissed? The devil's like, ha-ha ha i would be pissed as fuck forever just getting fucked in your ass by a rock demon you gotta be fucking kidding me dude i didn't even do that bad of a job i was mean to like two people yeah i fucked over like maybe five six people uh and when i did fuck people over like knowing what i know about what other people have done i didn't yeah it was a mile i think i just probably kind of like disrupted their life for like max a year but it wasn't you know anything crazy yeah it was like i think i just

i ignored my girlfriends for like the first 10 years of my life i didn't you know and you that's what you're supposed to do yeah like the first the first 10 years you get up to heaven it's like turns out you were supposed to ignore your high school girlfriends that was your job so yeah your first serious girlfriend you were supposed to get drunk all day and not text her ever and never yeah well otherwise she would have gotten pregnant or something but he said he didn't bond enough so yeah you're supposed to hey actually it's pretty heavenly to show up to family dinners so cooked out you can't talk to grandma. So good job on that. You know, that's pretty good.

Pretty good work on your part. If I got to hell. What if you get to hell, though, and the cool guys are there? You know what I mean? Dude, I don't give a fuck who is anywhere. I don't care if I see James Dean. It doesn't matter. You get to hell and Kurt Cobain's like, hey, what's up?

And you're like, I don't give a fuck. I would be like, dude, shut up, pussy. I'm in hell, bro. Hey, man, I was 60 when I died. I don't fucking care about you anymore, man. I liked like five of your songs. Like, you know, they were cool. Well, I really liked the one called fucking sad ass song.

You remember that one? Oh, wait. It was all of them? Yeah, you depressed ass pussy. Yeah. I died surrounded by family. I died sad. I would have gone to hell too if I killed myself for a busted girl dumbass.

Yeah, you killed yourself for a girl who sang in a band called Hole. Your girl got fucked by the Black Eyed Peas as soon as you killed yourself. Your girl got fucked by Dimebag Daryl. Yeah. I don't know if that's true, but it's very funny to think that Dimebag Daryl fucked I was just imagining the Black Eyed Peas running a train on a girl. It was pretty funny. Anyway.

We can keep going. We should keep going longer. Yeah, we should do a couple hours here. Yeah, I'm cool with that. We're like an hour 20 in. What do you got to do tomorrow you got shit to do fuck it uh i think i have to go to work okay you got work tomorrow morning pretty early pretty much in like five hours i don't know actually uh no we can yeah i went to the gym today and i felt like uh I went to the gym today and I felt like I had like a chicken breast

in my back but it didn't hurt that bad that's just what it felt like my back did like ruptured yeah and then I went to the locker room and looked at it and I didn't even see anything and I was like fucking pussy I haven't been able to work out because of my scalp I'm not supposed to get super sweaty

oh yeah because the infection is like really bad or whatever and uh so i i i was posted about it i deleted it because no one gives a fuck uh but uh i posted it like i feel like a chimp in it you're you had a your head hurt yeah no dude i look this is this is for real pussy shit i went to ER. I thought I had a brain tumor. I just have a scalp infection. Like, all my lymph nodes swole up and, like, in my neck. And, like, I had a piercing migraine for, like, a week. And it just came on out of nowhere.

And I was like, oh, I'm fucking straight up dying, dude. And I go to the ER. And I go to ER. I talked about this already. But I, like, I'm embarrassed, dude. I walk around my apartment. My girlfriend is like, hey, man, you're not dying. I'm like, I'm sure I have a tumor.

Like, I need to get my shit in order. She's like, you have a scalp infection. And but like in my head, I if I had cancer, then all of this would be justified. Right now, I'm just being a huge put. It hurts really bad. Like, I can't really like sleep. It's annoying. I'm not dying

but now i'm just a guy that went to the er twice in one day for a like a like a bacterial infection in my head which is you know you could have just walked it off i guess anyway hey guys if you're listening to this that means it's free and if you got through all let's check the timer you got through all hour and a half of this shit, congratulations, because it really picked up at the hour mark. We've got a Patreon. Patreon.com slash PandejoTime. On that, you can find free episodes. Not just kidding.

You're listening to the free. On that, you can find premium episodes. You get one a week. Pay $5 a month, you get access to a bonus episode every week. $ five bucks a month you get access to a bonus episode every week 10 bucks a month you get access to video episodes and all those backlogs we've got like hundreds of episodes we've got like 20 or 30 video episodes we've got a couple in the chamber we've been having issues the camera fucked up on a couple of them um so if you've deleted your honcho patreon i honestly understand but we're working on them. They'll be out before you know it.

Yeah, Thomas is working on them. I'm trying to get a MacBook so we can just, it's easier to do that shit. It's just, turns out MacBooks are expensive. So, but anyway, yeah, sign up for that shit. And you get all the video episodes, all the bonus episodes. We've got two video episodes in the chamber that we're trying to get out if they come out and they're like not exactly an hour long we're sorry uh but we want to get one out to you soon also we will be doing uh i guess i don't know we won't talk about the sketch but uh uh we got us some we got a big project coming yeah finally

yeah we are good we can barely do video episodes, and I, as a genius, wrote a script for a sketch, and I was like, we can film this on our own. Turns out we can't, but I got a couple fucking big dick warriors who are going to help us out with that shit, so we're probably going to film that sometime in July, and we'll have that out to you guys,

and hopefully get a business loan to be able to do more of that stuff. For $1 billion. Correct. Goodbye. get a business loan to be able to do more of that stuff. For one billion dollars. Correct. Goodbye. Goodbye.