Pendejo Time - Burger Boys 1 (Ft. Ben Avery and Conner McNutt)

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

Ben and Conner swung by to say what's up. Video episode will be up soon.    Listen to Hate Watch Podcast  Listen to Lemon Party Podcast  Get tickets to Philly (10 left or so)  get hims  hims.com/PT

Check, check, check. What if you went down to eat a girl's pussy, are we recording? What if you went down to eat a girl's pussy and you like, you like spread the labia back or whatever the hell? And there's a giant penis inside. Very nice. She's like, you're fucking gay, dude, you have to suck my dick now. You're down the road.

You got to suck it. It's kind of like if you opened a flower and a pistol came out, a P-I-S-T-I-L. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you open a woman's vagina and she just had a penis hiding in there, would you still eat the pussy? Like, would you eat the pussy, but you're also licking the head of the penis? How big is the penis? It's, first of all of all of a sudden, there's like an eight-inch shaft. Is it like a loony tube?

No, it's like it's hidden in there. Like, it's a small, it's a big head, but it's stuck in there. So it's a clit. It's like her clit is actually a big dick. That's a problem that women do have. That is a real thing. Yeah, it's in a large clit. Yeah, you can get a surgery on it.

You know what I would say? What? Yippee! A yaw-wee! A yava, da-da, dude. I've been saying this thing. Are we recording? Yeah, we have a recording.

I've been saying to myself. Let me. It's making me laugh really hard, but, like, I'm going to start doing it when I come. The second I bust and I go, oh, no, I drop my cum. Oh, no, I drop my num. Oh, no, I drop my cum. I was, uh, I was thinking about a, like, just trying to say stuff to my wife to Ashley, like, you know, the hound dog's ready to how.

She'll just be like, even if, even if I was attracted to you in this moment. It's fun to mess with your wife in that way, to be like, hey, the street lamp is fucking hot tonight. Just to say completely schizophrenic. Christop was making me laugh so hard earlier. He was like, he does a thing when he's a horny. He goes, the winky's ready. Hey, honey, the winky's ready, which is fucked up. So I'm starting sex with the winkies ready and I'm ending with, oh, I drop my hand.

I just realized you guys are both in interracial marriages. Correct, yeah. You guys are both with Spanish women. The same time. Mexican. Yeah, yeah. I call them Spanish. Yeah.

Well, they would take up arms with that. My grandmother told my mom, uh, your racist mom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandmother told my mom, no blacks, no Mexicans in the house. And so when my mom, when I was a teenager, dude, she, like, pulled me aside and she, this was her correcting, this was her trying to be progressing. if she was like, if you want to date a black girl or a brown girl, I don't care.

You can bring her home. And I remember, I was like 14. I was like, okay? Because she was like, you know, your grandmother, if I ever thought about even, if I even joked about bringing a black man home, she said, you'd be living in the street. And my grandmother would be like right next to us. It'd be like Thanksgiving. She'd be like, and I still mean it.

I mean it. I mean, my wife's parents, like, told her like, no blacks. Mexicans okay Preferably you find a white guy Yeah yeah yeah Like they like push her to find a white guy And both daughters Well two to three daughters

White guys Yeah yeah for sure My grandma Ashley's grandma hates white people She doesn't speak like any Why? Why on earth what she hate her? Yeah yeah

She doesn't speak any English And Ashley will tell me That like every time she like goes to hug her her grandma will say something like you're a harlot in Spanish because she has like tattoos and stuff She's Spanish is It goes so hard

The insults you translate Yeah yeah They the sister's head you tell the whole time They go You're a Cochina Stephen Wenza Oh Cochina is meat right No Cochina's dirty Yeah fuck

Cochina Steven Wetz Which translates to you are You are dirty with no shame Which is way If you said in English you go What are you a fucking D&D Faggie What's wrong with you? Gay as hell.

Yeah, yeah. I love a... But just, it rolls off the tongue, Kuchina Steven Rwenza. You ever watch, like, old, or Chinese or, like, Japanese martial arts movies

where, like, they'll have the English subtitles, and, like, in Japanese, the guy will be like, oh, you gotta, like,

and really cut the guy down. But the English translation is like, you are the head of a fish and you belong in the ass of a horse. And it's like, that's bad ass.

But it probably doesn't translate to that in Japanese. No, no, no. When I was in China, that's what I learned so harshly, was like,

it's not a one for one translation no no no no yeah like even ordering an ice coffee like i go to the coffee shop in china i'm like can i get an ice americano and you translate that they go i don't know what that means those are not the words we use for anything it's gibberish to me yeah yeah yeah they like they mean like they want a cold espresso with water yeah yeah but i can't say that do you ever seen the pictures of uh people in japan you know how like in america like stupid bros will have like shirts with japanese on it that's complete gibberish because they're like made in india that's a big thing in like Shibuya on the reverse end of it where like cool teens like cool

zoomers will wear shirts that say like pineapple fucker yeah with it in like big ass text but it'll be like old English font it'll say like the guy with the truck and two legs but it and they look hard but like it's the same thing it's purely an aesthetic thing like the font will look cool as fuck it'll just yeah two fat babies and one dog and you're like yeah that's it just translates like twisted metal characters yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah, I love that shit Like any other country

Like non-English speaking country Where it's not even like a secondary Or tertiary language Where all the shirts that are in English Are like two buckets One gun Hell yeah It's all over

Yeah And it's such a fucking sick look I'm so retarded I just realized like recently Where I learned recently That English is like Germanic based Yeah I thought it was Latin

Do you know what English is like So there were two I thought it was Latin this entire No no Well I mean it's a it's like a frankest But like English is from angles which was one of the German tribes that invaded the UK, Anglo-Saxon, their language was English, and now we speak English.

Fun fact. That's a very fun fact, actually. Jake's Fun fact corner. I'd learn something new to it. Yeah, yeah. For real. And then there was another, like, a Celtic language, and they killed all those guys. Dude, one of my favorite stories of history, I told this to Ben.

So when the Romans were, like, getting over to, like, the, to the Isles, like the U.K., you know, like all the islands around there. um they sent a legionaire and a boat and a bunch of dudes and they didn't know anything about this place but like through stars and like they were pretty advanced and they were like we know there's a landmass over there and we've heard tell of it and so we want to go conquer it because we're the fucking romans and that's what we do so they go over there and uh on the shores on this big cliff in scotland are a bunch of druids and they're dressed in fucking gray cloaks this is from like journals of like roman legionnaires and soldiers

gray cloaks and they have smoke coming out of their hoods they're like skyrim characters and they have staffs and so the legionaire gets in his little ass boat and rose up and then the guys start chanting and like a like a blah about like old Celtic dead language and they start doing this and more smokes rising from their cloaks like throat singing yeah yeah yeah and so the legionaire

gets in his little ass boat goes back to the big roman boat is like I'm not going up there and he's like we're killing those guys and we're taking this because that's what we do. We're Romans. And he's like, I'm not going up there because I'm pretty sure

one of those guys is fucking floating. I'm not fucking with the druid. Yeah, I'd be so scared. And so the general, whatever, Roman, whatever the fuck, he goes,

all right, I'm going to go up there by myself because I think these guys are full of shit. And he takes his fucking sword and he fucking goes up there and he scragles up the rocks and the guys like are surrounding them

and they're like, oh, his eyes, and there's smoke. And the guy just goes, and then just cuts one of them clean in half and realizes it's completely an act and then they all start running into the woods all we had was the song man we only had the song it was only fucking weapon yeah yeah that's

that was it like they were like they were like they were like they were like a please let this work because we don't they were like a mostly like a polytheistic like woodland nomadic society they didn't yeah you know they didn't they were like not non violent they did war with each other but they did not stand a chance against the roman empire so they were like we got to do the wizard shit we got to do the wizard stuff And it's, dude, I love the idea, because it's like, I, I have friends that are like, you see a guy who's like, no, I don't want to fuck with that guy. He's like, no, I'm going to go up there and stick his ass. And then, you know, you just, fucking cut his head clean the fuck off.

They got to do. We're out never. What should we do? Like, they're like, we could do the lumineers. Yeah, yeah. Hey, ho, dance. We can do that. Stomp clap.

Yeah, yeah. That's crazy that he just walked up to him, like, with a, I mean, you might as well use a fly swatter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just hit him like a bug. But, like, I like to think about from the perspective of the druid, you believe in your magic. You believe in your woodland magic. You believe your spell is going to make this guy die. And you go, blah, blah, blah.

And the guy goes, it just cuts your shit. Well, that probably worked so much more back then because they all had some kind of disease. And they were all scared. And you go, well, la, pa la la la. And the guy just had gangrene. Yeah. You just die two days later. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they were like, it works. Yeah, yeah. I told you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you wonder if they were smarter back then and connected to the spirit world? You bring a mic up a little too. Oh, yeah.

And they could chant their molecular, like, makeup into a state that would heal themselves. Psychosomatic healing. Well, the way Egyptians were, they had incredible memories, and they were way smarter than we are. And they could do very hard arithmetic just in their head. They didn't have to write things down. Yeah. The way people used to be able to, like, remember the illy, at it was like a song that they didn't have to be in a book you just like knew it i wonder if they were

i don't know about these druids that were like you know uh these sound like more like ants or something no they were so they were like but uh but maybe they could chant maybe you could chant a certain tune uh to like get the like if you had diarrhea maybe there's a song you can sing that makes your stool firmer so it comes out clean i i'm sure maybe and it's lost to the sands of time Maybe we need to find that chance Because I'm begging for It always comes back to it When I bullshit with Ben

But it's like I mean you lose recipes like that Because of the phone Can you do it whenever like Whenever those like Roman statue AV fucking retards We'll be like nobody We've lost our culture Because nobody will carve a statue anymore

And it's like first of all There are guys who do that But second of all Imagine it's 1400s Italy you got no phone you're getting no pussy because you're gay and if you're outwardly gay

the Roman church will tie you to a bunch of horses and rip your shit clean the fuck off so what do you do? What do you do? You carve a statue of a jacked guy with his penis out. You spend six years doing that because what the fuck else? There's no Instagram

people are like oh we know we've lost our culture it's like to some degree yeah but like back then you know what did you have to do yeah oh Leonardo da Vinci he invented like basically like a proto airplane and it's like yeah because he was gay dude they had the ultimate coat back then though yeah because the bad thing it was like if you had a small penis it was like a sign of intellect yeah yeah yeah yeah what a fucking cope yeah that that's brilliant that's like the best marketing of all time you were considered a barbarian if you had a huge cock oh my i wish we could get

away with that still are you kidding me dude also i'd be fucked back then because i'm dumb shit. Yeah, yeah. I think the anomaly. Like, he's a small penis and he's stupid. Yeah, yeah. You become a shaman. I'd be, like, study.

They'd cut me open. They're like, somehow, tiniest penis I've ever seen and dumb as shit. Remember, Ben, we used to joke about, like, how the, like, before we started doing agriculture, like, the shaman's of the tribe, where the guys that were just like, uh, yeah, um, fuck, shit. I don't want to hunt and I don't want to fight. Um, all right, I'm going to go to this cave and talk to the ghost. You guys have to feed me. and you guys also I get my own hut away from you guys

and I get to have sex with all the girls too because I know everything and they'll be like how and then you do like one miracle accidentally and they're like oh yeah he doesn't have we feed him every the best meat those guys are still around that's like Zach Baggins

yeah literally the same guy yeah yeah yeah being like I can talk to ghosts and now I have my own museum and mansions in Vegas yeah yeah I mean the city's probably started because of religion right like they wanted to they go

we have to stay here yeah well they originally started like you weren't a hunter-gatherer anymore and they had sites that were basically religious and then the people that were in charge of the temple said you go out and get food we'll stay here yeah and those people and like those people then died and there and there became history and myths there and like go beckley teppy and all that stuff is proof that that's when we stopped moving and that's when we started doing agriculture and all that shit and uh so without like the religious stuff, then there's no, there's no, there's no, like, diseases that kill everybody

and there's no ice and stuff like that. And there's no Dunkin' Donuts. So I like to thank God for Big Donald's ultimately. Without God, there's no, like, McFlurie or, there's no parking meters. Kind of the coolest. There's no skyscrapers. There's the best Oscar speech I've ever heard of mine to earlier. We would just still be like, we'd be the, any tribe that kills the most, they it would just still be dominating. Yeah, yeah. That's what it would be. It would be open.

We used the land properly. We wouldn't be able to have slot machines or porn or anything. And it would kind of... Dude, have you seen the videos? God gave all that to us because we decided to worship him. The videos... So they put Starlink, like, right above dense jungle in Papua New Guinea with a bunch of uncontacted tribes.

And this dude went out there, like, chopped through brush and fucking got bit by snakes for like six months to reach this tribe. And dude, he gets there And, like, they had gotten Starlink And then somebody I don't know how I don't know what But somebody had given them

They had gotten like an iPad From a guy who comes in from New Guinea Like the city areas They're watching family guy pouring on it Dude, all the kids like So in this big fucking circle of huts They're all crowded around this shitty old iPad And they're literally watching like

Subway Surfer shit Yeah Yeah And, like, one of the tribal, in the interviews with the guys, like, the tribal leaders are like, oh, these kids don't want to, like, learn to hunt anymore. They just sit in front of this thing. Dude. And it's like, it's like the stories of the North Korean soldiers when they got sent to the Ukrainian front lines and they got actual internet for the first time.

They wouldn't leave the barracks because they kept jacking off. The Russian fucking soldiers would be like, hey, we need you because the Ukrainians are advancing in Donnets. And they'd be like, I've literally never seen white women's pussies before. They go, have you heard of Sophie rain? What are we even doing here? What's go? What is that what we're fighting for? No, then I'm going to keep jack it off and all that.

You can shoot me. Shoot me. Yeah. I've seen Sophie Rain's pussy. Blow my head. Clean off, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get scared of how much I do fall for that, like mind slop stuff.

Like, I catch myself all the time watching a podcast clip and under it, it's not subway surfer, but it's those, like, the recreations of, like, how this car would do. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, sorry. Oh, you're good. It's like, does this car make the jump? Oh, I love those.

God, EF7, whatever the car is. F-150, yeah. It's like, jumping over like 100 helicopters. I love it, too. It sucks. And I feel like a fucking idiot because I'll watch it for like an hour straight. And I go, what am I doing?

I thought my head. Yeah. It works, though. Yeah. It's so perfectly calculated to make you a fucking idiot. And those guys who run those accounts, they make like $10,000. Of course they do.

Yeah, yeah. I'm watching like a sucker. Like, I'm, I think we're reaching a kind of critical mass point. I've talked a bit about this where like pound for pound, gamble for gamble a college degree and or trying to be a content creator

you and not a content creator like me they're right it's like why wouldn't you try to do that? Yeah yeah why would playbook for it? You can just do it. Yeah yeah yeah yeah you can like why go study literature when you can make fucking will this can this Bugatti jump over a T-Rex?

Yeah of course. Also they were fully raised on that too so there's no like striving for like the arts right right right they want AI movies right yes there's nothing holding them back yeah yeah yeah I think about that a lot where it's like there's no like my brother like the kids right in my brother's generation are like yeah I don't want to read pride and prejudice I want to make videos of Bugatti's jumping over Buzz Light Year yeah can this Bugatti clear 15 Buzz Light You Jake did you see the article it was like a big article where it's like the the younger generation, this is devastating.

The other generation, they can't read cursive anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I was like, they can't read. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not cursive. Dude, actually, their reading is gone. She's like, these are fifth graders and they're like, they're literate. They're illiterate, dude.

Yeah. Like, though, so I was asking her, I was like, because I was in fifth grade, you know, you would read hatchet. Yeah. And you would have to sit there and read 20 pages of hatchet, one of the greatest books of all time for a young boy. Gary Paulson? Gary Paulson. and and she was like oh no we have we read five sentences and then i have to ask the kids who is in the sentence and they go hatchets in this sentence they go plane the diarrhea from the pilot who shits

himself after he dies heart attack moose salmon and she's like oh this is my career you know that book was the first time i realized you do release your bowels after you die yeah yeah yeah yeah it's the first time i learned that yeah i remember reading that book as a like a fifth grader growing up in a broken home being like, I wish this would happen to me. I want to land... That's sad as hell, dude. Like, I don't mean that in a little way,

but I was like, you know what sounds better than this trailer? A Canadian wilderness. Yeah. And an axe. Yeah. Give me a hatchet in the wilderness. I'll fucking do it. You know, they have like 18 of those books.

They have like where he stays and like lives through the winter. He keeps getting in the plane. Yes, literally. There's like 18 of them. Yeah. Is that true? Yes. I think some of the books he made.

Jews. I forgot how many I read of them. I read all of them. There's five of them. I may have read all of them, too. Yeah. There's one called Brian's Winter, which is like an alternative where he's not saved. I like that one. That's a great one. Yeah. And then there's one called like the river where he takes a journalist up to where he was shipwrecked. That's the one with the bear, right? Yeah, yeah. And the journalist has like a heart attack and he has to take care of this journalist and they like navigate through the rivers or whatever while bear is like chasing them or whatever, stalking them.

And then there's touching spirit bear. which is another book about a boy who goes to a camp and gets molested by, yeah, you know. It's like book four, I don't know. He gets, he goes to the woods, but he's molested. He's like, the woods are kind of boring. Let's fucking rape this game. Let's give him an STD.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. That would be funny if you rewrote Hatchet. He lands in the middle of the Canadian wilderness, and there just happens to be. he thinks he's going to be saved near the end of the book and it just turns out a guy opens the tent and he's the kid

he's like jackpot he's a bib on he's like don't mind if I do don't mind if I do there's all the rest of the book it's just raping the kid and a tent and it's from the perspective of the rapist it switches

yeah it's like the house of leaves it's Lolita yeah yeah yeah it's HH humbert humbert oh fuck dude that would actually we should write that book. I don't think we should. Why not? Well, I mean, I guess nothing matters anymore. Hatchet 3 Hage. Hey. You know what's funny is I said why not and you go,

nothing matters anymore. And now you can ask, you can say, I don't want to do that thing. And then if someone says, why not, you go, I don't really have a, there's no moral framework. Yeah. Well, the core of. I do stuff because it's fun and I have a moral compass so I don't do bad stuff right right right but i mean if i didn't have that now living in now now now when money's not real and nothing nothing is real yeah yeah i think i would become a serial killer for sure for sure yeah i think i like there's like there i think what do you mean by that you become in what circumstance like if i if if if i had no moral framework yeah and i would live in a fallen world yeah i would be like well let's just see how many people i can kill before i get caught i think you're yeah you're probably

right like a mad max world because there's no there's no hope for a better life unless you find a way to cheat the system manipulate people fuck them over and hurt people that's how you get to the buggadis yeah yeah that's what you have to do or you have to hit some sort of slot machine on the internet yeah yeah yeah genetic lottery whatever so if that's the world i live in and i don't there's no meaning to any of it there's no meaning to money there's no meaning to the system there's no meaning to the work. There's no meaning to the 9 to 5. If I didn't have an inherent moral framework,

yeah, I might just be like, fucking, let's go, let's kill a bunch of people. Let's go to Matamoros on the border, you know, and just fucking. It presents me with one of my most lingering questions is like, there are a lot of people with like terminal cancer in this country.

I think it's like over, like it's around like five, six hundred thousands of people who are like going to die within the year. They know that. And I'm like, nobody, Walter whites it,

but not with math. Just nobody goes on like a good crusade. Oh, for sure. You know what I mean? Like, I like, that's why Grand Torino

kicks so much ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you... Yeah, what a better way to die than a gang shootout.

Yeah, yeah, a bunch of Taiwanese people fucking loading you up bullets. That's the way to go. If you're going to die anywhere, sat in a bed.

Yeah, yeah. Get lit up, dude. Dude, that's why, like, I was telling Ben, all those Mara Lago

pictures i was like dude you know what i've gotten so nihilistic that i've come back around i'm like you know what guys drink up drink up yeah drink up drink up smoke this because steve bannon had this quote where he goes we're going to be in power for a long time steve bannan is an old man how long they're talking 20 years they think oh we'll be in power i'm like how long is 20 years really 10 i see those mara lago pictures i used to get mad i go no drink up please have a cigar have two because oh my god dude when you're one day because you're putting steak and shrimp and champagne in your mouth and americans are putting guns in theirs you know it it looks like the painting and the shining at the end with the ball yeah yeah yeah you go this is just forever yeah yeah and and so like you know did you ever see

the picture of the the storming of the winter palace where the soviet he looks up he like lived in the streets his whole life only ever saw poverty and he storms the winter palace and looks up at all the meat and all that and he's literally he's like this he's got his gun and he's like i'm like dude that's going to be marlago but it's not going to be like a guy in a cool soviet coat it's going to be a dude with a shirt that says who ate all the pussy he's going to have a 3d printed rail gun that's got like as him loading yes yes he's going to be 400 pounds with like so many vitamin deficiencies he's just going to fucking spray the room and have 100% accuracy jake can i ask you a moral like here's a moral dilemma sure because i

I don't like the accelerationists. I understand. They're horrible. It's the most evil thing you can be. I don't think I disagree with you. It's the most evil thing. But I think they're bad, sure. But the only way this can be fixed because they're in power.

Yeah. It's inevitable. No, the only way this can be fixed is if society collapses. It's inevitable. And it rebuilds. But every system pushes toward authoritarianism. I'm pretty convinced. Like every single type of government tends to.

to eventually on a long enough timeline into authoritarianism. Well, my only thing for that is like, as sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, if you keep body slamming, if you keep putting fat stepdad's

with like gator masks on, putting single Mexican mothers and arm bars on TV and being like, do, do, do, eventually, eventually, that's all, folks. Eventually, inevitably,

as certain as the sky is blue, you're going to have a bunch of people pulling your wife and children out of your house. There's going to be no gadgets and gizmos that's going to save you. Peter Thiel and fucking, what's his name, Palmer Lucky, all their little drones and cameras. Nothing. Petapov. Yeah. There's going to be nothing that's going to stop because Jin Beta and the one under them

doesn't even have a name yet, they're not going to know how to read. They're just going to know. Jen Hitler. They're not going to know. All they're going to know is, uh, uh, uh, uh, skibity. they're going to have there's some of they have no they have no words of skimmy.

Their memes are honging well that's you're talking about they're the Whitakers they're barking like dogs they're the illiterate peasants in the fucking red army like they're the people in Cuba that like overthrew Batista's government that were farmers that couldn't read

all they knew is that they were in hell that's all they knew and so I think that's why like I've gone back around for being so defeatist now I'm like you know what every time I see a picture of fucking Steve Bannon eating a big ass chicken wing

in Mar-a-Lago I go oh my God I hope that's a really good chicken wing because fuck dude in 10 years if you're still alive they're gonna fuck you in the street dude like a pig well this is what I'm saying

I don't know if America will ever do that though I disagree so the what I'm saying is with the accelerationists are they wrong to speed this shit up to the end I don't know

obviously then they want to build a satanic Hitler government or whatever that they want to rebuild that's the right wing accelerationist yes but my my question is purely philosophically speaking can you accelerate that which is inevitable you can't accelerate the sun moving around you can't accelerate like if if there is an inevitability to this what kind of accelerationism are we talking about like if anything stephen miller and bannon they're accelerating it a hundred percent yeah they're accelerating it because they think they can win. I don't think they

can. I think they're going to have a short time. They have so many tricks. The Civil War they're starting every four years before we're about to get mad at them. They fucking throw red meat out again and get us to fight each other in the streets and do written house shit and they just run the fucking playbook. White George Floyd this time. Right. 100%. I agree

They got so many tricks, man, and it works on these people. How long can it work? It can't work forever. What if it can? What if we die and then the next people, they haven't lived through a George Floyd or any of that and then like what if what i'm saying that everything is eddington yeah and what if eddington's going to keep happening because people haven't like they haven't lived through eddington

yet and then we die and then the new cricks come along and they don't have that information and no one's learning from history because history doesn't exist anymore but also you're like the whole point of eddington is like proxy war while they still win so it's like even if they experience eddington that means nothing at all eddington's like the playoff book it is i know for like how dumb we are well how dumb we are but also the data center wins at the end of the movie it's dude it's apocalyptic when all the ships are coming up yeah it's the point yeah the point is is is that on on a timeline that really isn't that long like okay the cold war never ended we they never ended it's china whatever like how long can you do what they're doing right now

genuinely because here's a thing you're pissing off i was telling ben this while you're getting beer you're actually pissing off the big bubba burger retard guys you're pissing off burger there guys are like i'm going to lose all my farming money and i don't know what i'm going to do i voted for trump but i'm he's pissing me off and then you've got veterans that are like i fucking have back pain and i can't go get my thyroid checked i voted for him but i hate him now and then you've got all of the latinos that voted for him they're like my mom is god dead gone She's gone So my thing is

Is that they're high on W's This happens in a lot of fascist movements It happened to Mussolini It happened to Hitler You get 15 years of straight dubs You fucking break shit You murder people You fucking get rid of all left wing

opposition, you kill people And then you start surrounding yourself With guys who are mentally retarded And high on drugs Because you get rid of all the people Who go maybe we should chill out And then you keep surrounding yourself With these people

Until you have Cash Patel and Dan Bongingo Yeah right And then they all say, yeah, that's cool. You should body slam a bunch of white women. Dude, when you start body slamming white women, that's when the country is like, it's revolution time. I saw a few posts today, and it's like it's very cringe, but it's like if they can shoot a white woman in front of you,

they'll shoot you also. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate posts like that. Right. That is true. Yes, of course. They won't shoot me. Why not?

Burger. Dear, hold on. Burger. Hold on. Dear Burger. Please watch over me and my family today as we get burgers. burgers and work at burger listen hey fuckers you know what time it is it's the time for the ad read and to end it to show listen uh you know in life sometimes things don't work the way they're supposed to one of those things is your penis hymns can't help you with your fitted sheet uh can't really help you with any other personal problem in your life

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Featured products include compounded drug products Which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality Prescription required See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan That guy that's in his car on his act, Trump Save me, President Trump They should pray to a Big Burger

They should, they should The burger Burger Woffin Dude, when those guys get out of the truck and they're all 250 plus and like 5 foot 5, when all the ice guys get out of this, dude, one of my favorite, they roll up in a Honda Odyssey. Genuinely, it's so funny how short they are. That's the funniest part of it. The Seattle one, they roll up in a Honda Odyssey, and when they get out of it, the Honda Odyssey raises up like eight inches.

Like hydraulics it didn't know about it. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I want to work in ice so bad. I told you that I thought about enlisting just to see what's going on. Me too. I wanted to do the same thing. I got scared that the retaliation would be like people hurting people that I know. Yeah, it's very spooky because I wanted to do like a full YouTube thing because they're apparently literally hiring anybody for a specific position, which is enforcement.

And I was like, I wonder if they would check my Twitter. I wonder if they would check anything or if they would just. I don't think they would, man. I really don't think they're like looking at anything. They're hiring anybody. I could make a fake Twitter and all of it is like burger the N-word, Burger the N-word, Raid, Burger, Burger, Burger, In-Ward. And they go, holy shit.

shit he's fucking perfect jason burger oh my god that's jasonberg can you replace christie gnome dude she i i i i some beautiful somebody got mad at me because i was like i would i would beat the shit i i i on a recent audio episode i was like i would beat the fuck out of her and somebody's like hey man uh maybe maybe don't hit women and i was like christie gnome dude people who still have that like that moral compass like you can never lay your hands on them it's like no we should be, like, beating this shit out of her. We should cut her head off. Yeah, absolutely.

I'd still fuck. You would fuck. You would fuck Nancy Mace. Then you fuck. Nancy Mace, yeah, I flip-flop back and forth, but I bet that shit goes crazy. I bet it's got that gorilla grip shit. I don't feel that. I like the fucker in a waffle house, actually, over the, like, register.

Like, banging it where it's opening and closing and shit. She's just yelling about, like, fags or whatever. I don't think that that pussy goes. go crazy when it comes to like conservative woman I disagree I disagree yeah that's because they're repressed

because they're repressed and like yeah I don't know I'm I'm I'm I'm taking man I don't like to talk about this stuff now but just you're telling me Sidney I know yeah in a previous life I dated a couple of them and it's because it's a thing that's not like

you know you're not fucking a girl proximity you're out yeah yeah you're not fucking a girl with a moth sternum tattoo you're fucking a girl who believes in God yeah so she's like you know what I mean like it's yeah yeah yeah yeah thank you yeah you know what thank you for defending conservative pussy i don't think like marjory taylor green has like crazy head and i think her she probably has what ben was talking about which is the huge penis i think she could if you did anal with her she act like a dradle and just start spinning

dude she's going left wing she's big time yeah her and she's going left wing and her and tom and my thomas massey are kind of doing the same thing which i think is it's so transparent so yeah yeah yeah yeah you don't want to see nancy may's titty though Nope. Just because of your beliefs, you don't want to see the titty. I'll see anyone's city. If they're a public figure, I want to see your tithe. If I had pictures of her tits on my phone, you would have no interest in the same.

Because they're bolt-ons. I don't want to see the bolt-ons. Oh, fuck you. Why are you approved about tits all of a sudden? I'm not approved about tits. I don't like bolt. I don't, they look like they're squares. They literally, they look cubish.

I know I want to see him so bad. You know one of the nipples is fucked up. Oh, for sure. It's like Anderson Silva should be fighting in. inside your titty. Yeah, like it's an octagon. She,

when she came out, okay, so when they did the Epstein, like big reveal and she came out of the room crying, like the Senate floor crying. I was like, maybe she'll have a change of heart. And then literally like her next post was like,

um, it's all bullshit. Like the files aren't real. And it's like she, she walked out of that fucking courtroom like crying. Yeah. They were telling the story of Virginia Jeffries or whatever. She's a fake rape survivor,

by the way. You think so? Yeah. She's getting sued by her ex-husband now. Oh, I didn't know about this. Yeah, there's going to be a whole court. She was, apparently she was telling people that are going to testify, like, her friends

and stuff, like, I'm going to make up this whole case against him and fuck him over because he's a piece of shit and I want to take the house. Yeah. They have all this evidence that is amounting against her. Yeah, girls like that, maybe you were right. Maybe it is a little, you know what I mean? Yeah, dude, there's no way it's as insane as like a, like, a Bushwick chick with like BPD. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, that goes way crazy. Like, that kind of crazy chick. that's nuts that's a girl you ruin one year of your life a whole year you lose your life again unexperienced in this field but i'd imagine i dated a girl like that of course yeah yeah yeah of course before before my last girlfriend before my wife we did our favorite thing to do was do whippets in bed all day and eat quarter pounders and get fired from our jobs and you were burger yeah i was burger and uh all of our friends were like hey we don't like even want to hang out with you guys anymore and it's like that's fine we're just going to stay in this bed and do

Whippets and fucking Yeah and fucking watch cartoons And her dude She was one of those girls She had a sick cat Named Or one of those cats that were the girl Like his name is baby baby

Skeeter Yeah yeah yeah And the cat was always like And I was like Is a cat sick? And she's like oh he does that He may have gotten into my makeup And I was like

Oh I'm fucking a real creature Yeah I'm fucking a real night Dude first night I go over to her place She actually might see this If you do I'm sorry I hope rehab's going good um first night to go over to her place she has a deflated air mattress and i'm sleeping on

it and then uh i feel something crawl on me in the middle of the night and i'm ass naked and i like swat it in a way and i go uh uh do you have like crickets or something because they're really bad and she goes no i've got german cockroaches pretty bad and i i fucking pull open the sheet dude and like right at the foot of the bed is just a bunch of like cockroaches oh And I was like, damn, I'm going to have sex with this girl for another year. She can ruin my fucking life. Yeah, yeah, we did ruin each other's lives for sure. I was doing a bit for a while that I'd stop doing, but I said this bit in New York where I'm like,

I don't mind cockroaches. They're kind of like the perfect roommate, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They come in at night. Yeah. And then you open the, you turn the light on the morning. They're like, oh, fuck, it's morning time. I'm bad dude.

They run away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't want to be in your life. No, yeah, they just want to fucking you. Yeah, yeah. There's a nighttime roommate. Yeah. I don't know.

If a woman was covered in bugs, I still might fuck her. Absolutely. I lived in a house infested with rats and still got pussy. If a woman was covered in bugs and her head chopped up. I'd probably still head. Ben Shams. If she had bugs crawled out of her like nightmare before Christmas, I might still fuck. Ben Shimes in to go, you know, moral constraints aside, I'd kill people and I'd fuck a girl with no head.

I'd kill people and fuck a girl with no head. Fuck the bug lady I'm spiritually Devons here and he's like Of course Ben would fuck the bug lady He would fuck the shit out of her He would fuck her He would fuck her

He would fuck the bug lady Oh my god Well you The serial killer thing though I can defend Because I'm saying if I People go Oh

You might try to act like I'm like Insane or something I'm saying if I had no moral framework I imagine If I was this type of person which I'm not, I would look around, I would say in the world, there is no God, therefore I must become God. There must be a God. I'm going to go out there and I'm going to start collecting

bodies. Yeah, I mean, that's how I feel about like the country where I'm like, you're going to push everyday people to like, and people are like, how could you say this? But it's like, so like when a guy, again, when a guy in a shirt that says, who's farted is dragging your wife out of her house by her hair burger and he's got and he's got the daughter and the son too

and he's like and he's dragging them into the street and people are like how could you it's enneocracy but like everyone's so mean yeah dude

and he's like he's like you took away my fucking oxy script and my snap my farm fell apart and then just blows the kids head clean up like you're gonna have

Bubba you're gonna make Bubba you're gonna make Bubba join the communist movement that's what you're doing you're having guys who have three chins and fucking like chronic 300

over 200 blood pressure be like I don't think so because it's interlinked with it's because it's masculinity and those ideas are severed. I disagree because why would they be like I'm a communist now they think being communist is literally being homosexual. Okay

it's the same thing as fucking a guy's ass. Call it burgerism. Call it something else. You're like the burger is fluid. Yeah. The burger can become a hot dog. Yeah. The burger Listen, like, in the way that there were the socialists, there were the SRs and the Mensheviks and the Bolsheviks, you can have your burgers, your hot dogs, your hot dogists, you know what I mean? It's so stupid. You know, but it actually sums up everything is burger.

It's, it really does. But I can't believe you started it in our group chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The burger economy. Yeah, yeah. Well, people, dude, people sometimes were like in the discord will be like, they'll like, it'll be from your, a guy from one of yours, he's just like, yeah, I went to my favorite burger. spot and they had changed the prices but not on the menu they just wrote over it with marker burger burger economy he was like my favorite burger used to be nine dollars but they just scratched

it out and wrote in green sharpy 13 and i just thought burger economy i was like yeah that's that's what it is well now black streamers are calling white rappers burgers i know which is fair yeah i told conner on the way up i show connor i was like it's the white inward yeah yeah because it has the er yeah it's the hard it's worse way worse than cracker Yeah. As if a black guy calls, like, okay, burger. Yeah, I would piss me off. It still has been sorry because you're saying the animal but also calling fat also.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it's really good. Yeah, it's great. It's really, they're going to have to take burger back from black people if they're going to have to start saying my burga and shit. Yeah, what's it my burger? Dude, Ben, you are so right, though, by idiocacy. They're too nice.

In the movie? If that actually happened, they're too nice in the movie. In the movie, they're like, welcome to Costco. I love you. I love you. It's like no fucking way. A black guy's the president? Yeah,

fucking right, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We progress this way and it's actually idiocry. It's like they'll kill that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, like, I saw some article about like doctors using chat GPT

and it reminded me of Justin Long when he's like, yeah, I consulted my computer and it says you talk like a fag and your shit's all retarded. It's like, how did we end... I know it's so hacky to be like idiocacy is a documentary,

but that scene specifically. I just read this fucking motherboard thing where it's like doctors are consistently consulting Google Genome and I and Chad GPT to diagnose patients and it's giving wrong diagnoses and I literally thought of Justin Long with his big receipt and his big computer and he goes yeah says here you talk like a bag

and your shit's all retarded and I'm like how close are we like because med schools and law schools are having like they had a surge of applications like right before and during COVID and then now everything's tanking because people can't pass fucking those tests to get into college

like I was teaching in college during COVID and I was getting papers that were like immigration is bad because my dad said that they can't be around here and I know the paper's 500 words but that's 55 so what do you know and I had a realization where I was like there's no way you you can't be a lawyer you can't be anything yeah you can't you're burger dude I wish you go the page have like me or be yeah burger burger yeah I wish the doctor was there calling me gay no like I'm like yeah I wish I had a doctor that called me a fag and a retard finally i showed i show up to the hospital they're like doctor's not here i'm like where's the doctor they're like doctor didn't show up like so he's just like didn't show up like yeah like where's the doctor they go burger i'm like can i get can i get another appointment they're like you got to go through the app i'm like i'm here they're like you got to go on your phone and like they're like the doctor just he's not here so all right whatever i'll just go home i guess hope i don't die there's a private equity company

called HCA that bought up like every major hospital chain. It's a health corporation in America or something. And every portal you use is owned by them and they make money on every transaction and everybody blah blah blah blah. Which is why I got to use the app. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you got to use the app. I have to use the app. Did I tell you, dude, one of the

I took a heart like stress test on Monday and then I got a result back. Yeah, me and you were at the doctor all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a result back. I swear to God on my mother's life, it just said heart stress test signed by cardiologist result all caps probably normal probably that's not something you want to hear about like if my foot probably normal is okay yeah you know my ass probably normal my heart probably normal in all caps that's burger diagnosis

heart probably normal heart probably fine they just shrug heart actually cheeseburger heart immediately heart greasy burger heart greasy burger Heart double double Burger See doctor immediately See Dr. Burger at once Heart is animal style See doctor immediately

Dude dude oh my god It's fucking by the way They put it in and out They put it in and out in St. Marcus And I was I may or may not have had a couple beers And I may or may not have driven And getting some in and out

And I was eating in my car And I had one of those fat fuck moments Where I go I was sitting in the car I'm eating the food And I go I'm eating something called Animal Style

You ever have that where you're like Oh can I get that Greasy fucked up fat rape burger please The best one is Dairy Queen It's a belt buster Yeah there's also the big one's called the gut buster Yeah that's it Maybe that's it

You want to explode tonight You want to lay on the floor and blow up Bunchy box from Jack in the box That's kind of funny though Yeah but it's catering also like We know you're fucking highish yeah yeah yeah yeah um uh the animal style is a fucked up turn yeah yeah like i was yeah like i was eating because i'll get the double double double and i'm like double double

animal with the pink lemonade that's my classic order and i was sitting in the fucking that's a good order driver driver's seat in my side yeah yeah you do the zero calorie the five calorie one yes the light pink lemonade which is funny because i've got a double double animal style but i do that yeah that's fine sitting in the fucking front seat of my car about two minutes from my apartment i got groceries i'm drunk as shit i'm listening to fucking i don't know, Allison Chains, and I'm like, I'm eating this hamburger. And then I get the fork, and I go, and I go, oh, I get my, I get the sauce in my hand, and I go, I'm eating something called animal style. Yeah. Yeah, can I get a cheeseburger? Can you make that trough style?

Well, so they have a taco at Torchies called the Trashy Trailer Park. I've had it. It's kind of mid. Yeah, a lot of the Torchies ones are not good. No. However, I do like a couple of them. The Democrats good. I like the barbecone.

Not to be my high horse, but I've always. always avoided like fast food trend like I've never had a Doritos taco me neither I won't do it I can't do something about it I'm like because what if I died you know I mean like what have I died eating the Doritos taco yeah loco it's like crust in my brain where I'm like I just don't want that yeah to ever be a part of my life what you get food poisoning so bad that you die and you ate something called the loco taco yeah I can't do it can't be having that can't fucking do it the nacho fries I mean it's a simple thing but just the term you combine the two fattest menu i yeah nachos and fries yeah dip fries and a melted

cheese like i i i don't know i i like it i know you like it's i have to shit right now i feel shit in my ass go shit go shit go shit but then everybody can hear me shitting no no these are directional microphone you that's good podcasting also should i take my mic in there to shit yeah i put it in the toilet wait i'm gonna shit quick though i feel like it's just gonna pop out you think, brother? I could believe you, man. Yeah. The fucking, um...

I mean, you took like a 40-minute shirt earlier. Yeah, well, that was because that was a bigger shit. Dude, me and you have the same thing. I noticed when we were on the road together where, like, uh, me and Ashley, uh, we call it bed beer. She doesn't drink beer, she drinks twisted teas.

But it's like, when you know the night is around the corner to being over, you have a decision to make where you're like, do I get a six pack of like light beer or do I get two very strong beers? Oh, I'm always too strong beers. Oh, I'm always too strong. Two very strong beers.

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like the worst thing I do. Hold the mic closer, yeah, yeah. It's kind of the worst thing I do for drinking is like I'll go out and have like a normal night. And I always want to like grab two like 9% beers and go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we were at Jases and I was recovering from throwing up in that food line, I was like drinking that IPA and I was like, I'm coming back online. Like I can I can Uber back to the hotel.

We were in San Diego. By the way, that club, I was talking to another comedian about it. And he was like, oh, the one where the owner has the cameras in his house. He's a fucking Nazi. Yeah. He's a stage time Nazi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's unbelievable.

Yeah. You know, back to the beer thing, it's like, if I have light beers, my fridge, I don't drink them. Really? Because I don't really drink at home like that. Okay, me neither. I don't drink at home, really, yeah, yeah. But I'll have parties sometimes here and there,

and I'll buy, like, a 24 pack of Modelo, and it's like 16 left or whatever. Uh-huh. Those will sit my fridge forever. If I have one tall can, that's like 9% slugging it. That's getting done immediately. It's not going to exist to my house for more than 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if I, so there's one, there's, uh, me and my brother, he had too, he had too many and can never drink again, but, uh, same with my brother, rodeo clown. It's, uh, it's something, it's a, the triple, it's like, dude, it's like 11, or 10 or 11%. Yeah. You can buy them in four pack tallboys, which is like, that's evil. They're 19% so it's the pints. Yeah. So you're having. They can't, they shouldn't be able to do that. Right. It's like, do you know devil's backbone? that beer yeah so that one's like eight you can buy 12 packs of that and i'm like dude i remember i told ben about this this is an old pendeo time classic but me and i was living in this fucking rat infested like drugged in uh you know i was at the end of my rope you know i fucking do start doing stand up and shit wasn't going good and uh we go to hb and we find out damn they're selling 12 packs glass bottle devil's backbones let's get two and me and my buddy Jeff sat and drank all 24 of them and we like ascended

and then I get real sad and I was like Jeff man lately man I just can't get this idea out of my head dude I I can't say I wake up and I think about it and I go to bed thinking about it I think I'm I think I'm gonna fucking shoot myself man I think I just you know too much shit has

happened to me man I think too much can happen to a man and he goes yeah I mean if you're that sad you should shoot yourself he like straight looked at me he had the beard he goes yeah I mean if you're that miserable you should fucking you should kill yourself man's a level of drunk that's it's actually kind of beautiful yeah because you because there's pretty gorgeous there's no like bro

we love you you know you pass that you're pat we're you're way past that you're you're purely synapses yeah yeah yeah yeah like yeah I mean that makes sense to me yeah yeah your life does suck dude he literally he was like yeah jacob crunched the numbers on that and uh you're not making it out of this one kill yourself dude i fucking i was sitting there literally we were in a we had like one of those outdoor couches that got rained on it was all milled dude we live in a shit hole dude and uh yeah he was like he was just like yeah man i mean you know if you don't see a way out you got the gun in the house like put it in your mouth kill yourself i mean i can

hand it to you. Yeah, yeah. He also, he came over to my house one time and we called him Dr. Jephel because when he's sober, he literally will like,

is his name Jeff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he's sober, he's one of those guys, it's like, you could be like,

hey man, I'm having car trouble and money's really tight. He'll, like, rebuild your whole car motor for literally no money. That's awesome. I don't know a single guy like that.

But if he has any, if he has more than six beers, he's like, hey, man, I'm looking at you right now and I can't stop thinking about killing you. he'll dead at dead ass serious will like be staring at and he's like we need to he's like man i i can't

control this like anger i've had at you like i think we have to go outside and fight and i him and i have fucking fought really yes and uh he actually just got the shit beat out of him by a friend of mine for the same thing but we call him dr jeffle dude because he's like when he's sober he's like hey man uh i saw you you uh we're talking about building a deck i've got a bunch of extra two by fours and staying we should build the deck to get he'll come over and you a cabinet he's really handy he's very smart but then dude he has like six voodoo rangers and he's like man at night i think about pulling your teeth out he's still friends of them no well when i see him we're cordial but i can't it's he's like a grimlin when i when i go

back home and i see jeff if it's pre midnight it's all chill because jeff is like he's only like two long islands deep and he's like yo let's put fucking hank williams on the jukebox let's get some cigarettes but past midnight he's looking to people like this he's like yeah man you know you fucking you move to austin you think you're a comedian now you think you're hot fucking shit you got a wife you think you're fucking happy you're not happy I'm happy

I'm happy I'm the happy yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean the coolest thing by getting older is when you just start cutting people out yeah yeah yeah yeah it feels kind of nice yeah yeah yeah he does I had a moment I was in Joshua Tree for New Year's with all my friends yeah yeah and they were clowning on me it's all my like middle school high school friends yeah of course of course

and I was hammered drunk and at a moment where I truly became a demon. Yeah. They were like, I caught our bubble, but comedian, your failure, and I went,

you know, you're all grandfathered in. If I didn't meet you guys in high school, I would never be your friend. You're lucky to be here. If I met you today, wouldn't look twice at you.

It would never talk to you, yeah. And I was like, holy shit. Who is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do that, uh, uh, uh, I'll have to ask Ashley. It happens a lot when I go on the road. But, uh,

I don't get mad, or anything I just I told you when we were on the road I was like I'll fucking when I black out I'll be talking to a guy who came to the show who drove like 100 miles and we'll go to a bar

and I'm doing the meet and greet and he'll be like yeah dude you know it's crazy we've got a mutual friend you know Clara and I was like Clara Nicholson he's like yeah yeah she went to art school

y'all live next to each other I'll be like yeah my dad hung himself and they go hey man I'm gonna leave the bar you know and that's but that's just like that's my version of it

it's just like you just bring up I'll bring up depressing as shit yeah I mean that was like me growing up a lot I mean like I grew up so it sounds like you have a darker version of like where I grew up yeah yeah yeah similar like it's such small town shit

like one time when I was a kid I was at the skate park and there's this homeless guy who walked around to Hunga all the time and he had aviator goggles like the aviator helmet and goggles yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh i've seen in my entire fucking life yeah and the skate park one day and he says something to me and i go shut the fuck up

and he's like what and he pulls out like a shiv like a screwdriver he's like shaved down and chases me around the circumference of the skate park for like maybe 20 minutes and there's a guy who worked at the skate park at the time and i'm like jeff jeff jeff help help jeff finally gets out of the booth comes out he goes he goes run inside the skate park run right now and he hides back in the booth i run inside he's jumps out and just fucking cold cocks the guy knocks him out bad like breaks his jaw Jesus Christ

they call the police they arrest the guy take him off I go home like holy shit I almost die the same homeless guy almost stab me in the dead with this fucking screwdriver I go to the school the next day I'm saying the girl named Sierra who was like the hot girl at our school right right and I'm like kind of like fucking dishevel a little bit she goes how was

your day last year whatever she's asked me like my day and I was like oh it's cool this fucking homeless guy trying to stab me with a screwdriver and she goes What do you look like And I was like Slick back hair

And she goes Aviator goggles Lather helmet And I go Yeah she goes Oh that's my uncle I'm so sorry Fuck yeah

She goes That's my dad's brother And he's a fucking problem And I'm so sorry That happened You know that person Dude I think This is way off topic

I think I asked you this already But I live next door to a law firm called the McNutt law firm. You've asked me, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I, okay, so I was walking around and I was just walking around and drinking

because in the little college town that I live in, you're not allowed to drink beer in the street, but like it's a town of like 40,000 people and all the cops, their jobs are to just babysit the frat guys. So I'll just keep a tallboy and it was like a round closing time and I was pretty fucked up.

And I walked up to the law firm and this guy walks. out, and I, uh, I, uh, dude, I, I, I'm fucking, I've just been having some weird nights and some weird days and just been in a mentally weird spot. And I go, hey man, I got a real weird question for you. And he goes, can I help you? I've never talked to this guy before. He's an older dude, like salt and pepper hair. I say, hey man, I know a guy named Connor McNutt. He lives in California. And they, wait, I don't know this actually, yeah. I haven't told you this. This is a new. This just recently happened like maybe two, three

months ago oh shit okay yeah yeah yeah and i was like i was like i know this i'm this it's just an uncommon last name but i got a friend in and in california his name last name is mcnutt too and i was just wondering and he goes hey man leave me the fuck along he's like a grown ass man owns a law firm like in a fucking small texas he just like like in his suit like ready done for the day he goes hey man get the fuck out of here and i was like you know what maybe they are related maybe i mean i doubt it i mean i feel like i know exactly where all the mcnots i'm related to are located yeah yeah i mean i got text today from like an old co-worker he's like

a sign in connecticut somewhere oh yeah he's like lynn mcnutt in the family i'm like i have no idea that yeah yeah it happens more than you would think with a weird last name like that yeah but i constantly get asked i mean apparently there's a whole clan of mcnuts in glendale california which is like 10 minutes from where i grew up uh-huh i've never met a single one of I'm related to the guy that did the fucking bingle famine. I don't want the bingle famine. Seasel Rhodes. So basically this guy goes...

I didn't shit. I just jacked off. You did? Yeah, because I couldn't shit. So when I catch you, I just beat off. That's cool. Sometimes you got to beat off on the toilet. We can try to, like, squeeze really how you stimulate your prostate.

Yeah. You got a boner. So that makes sense. Meeting off helps me shit. So I figured what the hell. Do you beat off to porn or do you just pure imagination? I just look at the hole in the toilet. You're standing above the toilet jacket

Close enough I'm just kidding I didn't beat off But I have a boner right now That's cool man Thinking about beating off I should have beat off Because I'm rock hard right now

Looking at the two of you Nice That's cool I'm just kidding My dick is in my ass Oh you did Yeah It helps me shit

It's a plunger It's just kidding It's so funny to get to a My balls are in my it's so funny to get to a point in your career where like the three of us the three of us I know at one point in school we were told you guys are going to have to one day grow up no and then and then through sheer luck you asshole through sheer luck and persistence and a little bit of bad luck in a way you just end up like making it somewhat of a decent living or at least partially a decent

living by being like yeah I just went to poop but I jacked off and put my balls in my ass And now I'm making a living saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I didn't get that as much. I don't know if you got this. I got a lot of times in school, I got a parent-teacher conference, and this is going to sound so gay, me saying, because it sounds like a brag.

Yeah. But my teachers would go, to my parents, they go, Connor's really, like, powerful. He's, like, too much of a leader. Powerful? Yeah, like, he's, like, a problem in class because kids listen to him. And if he wants to disrupt, they'll all disrupt. I had the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a class clown, but, like, I also could, like, Charismatic. Form a posse against the teacher. Yeah, yeah, I had to say, yeah. So that was my main thing. And I had a problem with authority. I've never, I've gotten five from every job I've ever had.

Same. I fought with every boss I've ever had. Same. Every teacher I've ever had hated my guts. Yeah. Or love me because they could see through it. And they're like, oh, this kid's cool.

Or they were an asshole too. Yeah, yeah. My favorite baseball coaches were just like the biggest piece of shit of all time. My favorite boxing coaches are guys that are like, you need to stop eating food fat faggot and you need to cut weight. And you should stop crying about your problems because no one cares. Fully. Yeah, yeah.

And then you go, that's why, like, when I got a new therapist, I, like, I saw one lady at first. It was like, I can't have lady therapists because they're like, the world is a scary place. And sometimes things happen, but you will recover. And I'm like, I'm a 31-year-old man. And then you go to a male therapist and he's like, it's never going to get any better. but you still get to jack off and you still get to e-burger or some version of that like the best male therapists I have are like

yeah your problems are probably going to be there forever but you know nice cold one on a Friday 5 p.m. afternoon you know is that what therapists say now they'll say Saturdays are for the boys not in a literal way but they like the small things in life they'll ask me what do I like and I like I like a cold beer on my porch and they're like that's okay the only therapist ever had was a fat 25 year old lady awesome it was really she like big chungas what the fuck does she now i couldn't do i had to stop

going yeah wish is she happy it's gonna sound so gay but like i like severe like body this morphia yeah me too i like and like venting to her i'm like i feel fat she goes what was that i'm like you're fat though like what do we even do in here like you're a fat big like we can't i can't vent to you about yeah yeah yeah unbelievable was she hot not real we're titty small but she's really small yeah that always makes me small tities feel's gut protruding past the small titties. Isn't it weird when the fat doesn't go to the titties? Oh, that's so mean.

I shouldn't say that. She say what? That's really fucked up. She was a sweetheart, too. You're wearing glasses from the Sin City movie. I'm the cream goblin, bitch. The cream, the cream goblin? I'm the green goblin.

You're the cream goblin, you fat fuck. The cream goblin? Is that what you said? That's good. I was so mean to every fucking coach I ever had. It was unbelievable. I had this coach in Little League who was like a wholesome Christian man. He was a pastor

And he was our assistant You're in the little penis league Bitch Faggit Why are you being me? I don't want to You are You got a little penis

You called me an F slur Okay I don't want the hard T at the end You didn't have to go Have the gut Faggit I don't want the battery to die And delete the memory file

So you guys got anything Y'all want to plug We did an hour Yeah Hey watch podcast Are we doing a Patreon? No this is going to be free Oh

Are we doing a Patreon? do you want to do a Patreon too I thought we were I don't care if you guys are down to record another episode I can do that too I bought two beers okay cool yeah poopy

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