Pendejo Time - bussin

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

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How a brown cow, how now? I'm getting ready to pod. Red leather, yellow leather, red. Good morning, Captain. Good morning, Fandy. Do you need a new mule skinner? Hello, Ray. Oh, hey.

Uh-huh. That's not a parody or anything, but, but you know what is a mule skinner many many people have wondered this for a long time many people have pondered this perennial question of philosophy uh what is a mule skinner does it skin a mule do you need a new mule skinner good morning captain i uh i got really mad uh over the like on like what's today wednesday yeah i got mad because uh the other day monday because you know that andrew schultz guy that like fucking he's like he made a career out of being like the wigger comic who's like yeah you know i fucking i'm the cookout guy you You know, I wear a fucking big shirt. And, you know, I'm on Joe Rogan and shit.

What's good, Joe Rogan? Like that guy? You see him? He's like, he's fucking annoying. Anyway, he, so like, it had been like six days since the shooting. You know, you've all do it. Six fucking days. six days since the shooting you know you've all do whatever six fucking days and he posts i see a post on like a video on twitter that somebody shared to his there's a ufc fighter i follow who

was like i can't wait to watch this in earnest uh the thumbnail said uh uvaldi cops roasted andrew schultz roasts uvalde cops and the the description was like you know uvalde cops were a bunch of pussies so andrew had to show him what time it was or whatever and i was like i'm not mad or whatever about it's just like his shtick is like he i guess he's like good at getting hecklers like if you watch his stand-up clips like people heckle him and he's like he has the clapbacks because he's fast with it and he's got quick wit or whatever but it was like i just made me mad because i'm like it's just like a bunch of dead kids dude like kids are like probably still in the morgue somebody hates clapbacks no look i love look where he's a You guys are big. What are you, the clapback cop? Ooh. Ooh. What are you, the...

No, I was just like... No, I'm not anti-clapback. You know I love a good clapback. No, you seem very anti-clapback. Me and you call each other fucking fat and stupid and I hate you. I hope you die. I haven't called you anything. You just say that stuff to me.

No, I don't, man. You're gaslighting me again or whatever the fuck. Yeah. i don't man you you you're gaslighting me again or whatever the fuck yeah i think somebody on this podcast is not interested in promoting free comedic free speech yeah it's you because you're andrew schultz is not a comedian name it's like a regular guy name it's like a real estate like a mortgage broker it's not an insanely like successful or unsuccessful name but it's like it's not a comic name no it's like like thinking like joey diaz that's a comic's name yeah you know anthony jeselnik like him or not that's a comic yeah bill burr that's you know the alliteration you know yeah andrew schultz attorney

at law like that's not andrew schultz guy you know yeah guy who guy who works in sales i like anyway the fucking i think what made me so mad is the thumbnail was him doing like a like a oh did he say that smirk about like yeah exactly yes exactly what you're doing. It's like about like a bunch of fucking like stupid shithead fucking cops. And I get it, right. It was like they fucked up. But it's like, can you, I watched like just to piss myself off, which you know I love to do. I watched like 30 seconds of it. And he's just like, yeah, can you believe this stupid shit?

Oh, this fucking guy. Yeah, that cocksucker. Yeah, that motherfucker. He's the one who's like, he's like a Rogan acolyte now or whatever the fuck. He goes on the show all the time and he's like, yeah, you know, my wife, she be fucking sick. He's like a white dude with a last name Schultz. And he's like, yeah, you know, dog, like, shit be wilding out here, playboy. And I'm like, he's 38.

I guess so. I thought he was younger. He's 38? I guess so. I thought he was younger. Yeah, I just looked him up. I remember seeing a video this guy put on Twitter, but I haven't really checked him out. It was just him being like, yeah, they tried to cancel my show in Montreal. So now I got two shows yeah yeah in montreal yeah it's like that's good man good for you i'm not i don't want to spend i don't want to spend much more time on the motherfucker i guess no dude we need to hunt down andrew if you're listening so nice if any of the listeners have a dial into andrew's phone andrew schultz if you're listening to the tongue so nice if any of the listeners

have a dial into andrew's phone andrew i fucking hate you you're annoying you can't be a guy named andrew and they're like i'm the groundbreaker yeah i'm i'm a cool ass white boy you need to you need to be holding down the fort i'll put in a swag white boy named and Schultz. It's like, I can't be a fucking, oh, you're going to cancel me? Thomas? Thomas just doesn't, that's not a groundbreaker's name. No. Thomas White is a guy who works in

landscaping. That's just a regular guy. You're going to cancel Jake Rhodes? Yeah. That's a guy who just, he just does fucking. You're going to put me in? Yeah. That's a guy who just does fucking... You're going to put me in the ground? Tim Smith? Okay.

Nice job, Drewie. Nice, Andy. Andy Schultz. I think I just got mad because it's like... I understand that a comic's quote-unquote job... Well, a comic's job is to kill themselves. But a comic's job, I guess themselves like but a comic's like job uh i guess is to like you report on things that happen but that was not like in a funny way or

whatever you like some comics i guess his type of comic you like you fucking something happens in the world let me get this straight so a bunch of kids got moed and the cops did fucking nothing. A bunch of pussies. Yeah, I know. It's cool. And there's like, I have to read the news. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I feel like there's.

I already see the shit daily. Like, I don't want to hear some fucking millionaire be like, yeah, you know, they probably should have done like a judo if it was me in there i would have killed the guy who's gonna kill the kids instead of them killing instead of parents uvaldi roasted well like it's it is done for homeschooling now Not my mom Yeah I guess She's not gonna need Her kid's alive

And he's selling out 30 tickets To comedy shows Easy My kid's got his own Little boat That he goes out on He's not dead

You know He's still living Kicking Who's got AIDS now Yeah who's a fucking Loser Broke ass bitch now I'm Andrew Schultz

I'm Andrew Schultz bitch I'm andrew schultz i don't even know how he talks no he literally like okay do you know there's a certain type of guy at an open mic white dude who wears like a big hoodie and he's like yeah no i mean like should be fucked up out there like women be like it's very very light ave okay it's not overwhelming to where it's like you know like what's cracking slime like it's not it's not anything like that but it is very much like uh like um okay think of somebody's older brother who like sold you the shittiest weed on planet earth in high school okay andrew schultz talks like that and he made a career out of being that guy but funny i guess i don't think he's very funny but whatever uh you know i i've decided

i'm gonna be mad about um stephen wright the one-liner monotone guy he's a that's a that's a wholesome ass dude i mean you know no i what? No, I just decided I hate him. Fuck him. Yeah, fuck him. Fuck his ass. I like how the one movie credit he has I know of was in like Kill Bill. No, he was not in Kill Bill. He was a radio announcer. You're right.

Oh, fuck. With one line. He was doing like a narration for half a scene for a radio thing. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Steven Wright. No, I actually, I really liked his comedy albums growing up. The like, I still have a pony or whatever.

Yeah. Anyway. The whole thing with the fucking, I don't know. The reason I got mad was because it's like, I understand that people like do their bits or whatever i'm not saying it's just like i guess it was the way that he approached it which was in like he was sitting in a big chair and he kind of had like a cool guy like a like the cool dare officer the way that they sit like at the public you know just like so i'm gonna lay some fucking real knowledge and spit fucking straight fire and facts on you. Guess what? The cops in Uvalde?

Bad. It's like, okay, I think 99% of people, even weird fucked up motherfuckers. This week on the roasting list. Rapists. Yeah, exactly. What's up with that? Why are you raping? Why are you out here making women do fucked up shit, bro?

That shit sucks, bro. Quit it. And I don't know if y'all are ready for this type of heat and fire take, bro, but like the KKK, dog, they be not chill. Whack. Whack. The KKK is sus. The KKK is not bussing.

They are not on fleek or fi, And they do not put their pussy into it. The cops at Uvalde did not put their pussy into anything. If you really try to put your whole pussy into the KKK, something is wrong with you. Yeah, yeah. Because that's racist. And you know what's bad? Racism. Racism.

Racism is fucked up. Racism. Racism. Racism is fucked up. By the way, I will be doing fucking chuckle farts and fucking hilarity assholes in fucking Providence, Rhode Island. I got 16 dates. Buy a purple mattress. Fucking coupon code KKK35.

Get 35% off. Like, it's just... I don't know, man. It just rubbed me the wrong way, dude. I got a little too hot. I got a little too hot. I got a little too hot. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes a player watches something that pisses him the fuck off. You need to get over it.

You need to grow up. You need to get a job. You need to move out of your parents' house. And you need to find a girlfriend. Okay. You need to get a dog. Yeah, for sure. You need to go to the the gym you need a black refrigerator

yeah you need to get tattoos on your forearms man you need to you need to have a gap tooth you need to take a shower right before the show uh this is actually sweat oh my god dude i thought you'd refresh this is sweat no i came right straight from the gym i didn't have time to shower you you did have time. I did not. We normally do this one hour after this. I know, I got shit going on after this. You wanted to be all sweaty and juiced up for me.

I wanted to be wet for my friend Thomas. I brought something for you. Let's see it, big dog. That's the Majul. You weren't fucking around with me, dude. I'm on my second tub already dude that is so fucked up but that's cool

I mean you're eating dates it's not like you're eating like Twinkies and shit dude you'd be surprised the caloric in three dates there's 120 calories that is

retarded and 26 grams of sugar no and 29 grams of carbs. That's awesome. So basically you're eating candy. Oh, I'm absolutely eating candy, but I'm doing it in a way that Jesus did. Yeah, Jesus ate these or whatever.

He ate these and fucking... You know, I think Jesus wouldn't have got crucified if he was just like kind of chiller. If he was fat as fuck Imagine it would have been So inconvenient You know who's not Fucking chill And who's not on the level And who's not fleek

Pontius Pilate That motherfucker That motherfucker Sus ass player Of the week So like Jesus Was doing his thing Like he was in the

Fucking temple right And he was like Busting on the money changers Right and the money changers Was like aw shit Like what the fuck's up Playboy like And Jesus was like Hey like you know in the temple of my poppy,

like the temple of my fucking daddy, big dog, like y'all are moving fucking weight out here. And he fucking slept him, dude. He fucking three-pieced all the money changers. And that was very busting of Jesus. Everybody turn to Psalms 1-1. Pontiac's pilot. Pontius Pilate. Pontiac.

Pontiac Pilate. Pontius Pilate was known as the first pilot in the world. He was. And the only plane he could drive was the plane of atheism. Right. Because he could not handle a young Jewish carpenter king. And that's how he careened religion into the ground. Do you ever think, like, I, like, uh...

No, I don't. Do you ever think, no, I don't. I think, like, uh, like, I know, like, obviously, like, the Roman Empire was fucked up or whatever, but in my, like, stupid American mind, everybody back then was, back then was like five four especially in that area and if some dude was like step on that glass and like whip yourself and he's like five three it's like no man i'm good no that's if he's got a spear like i guess i'm out you know i'm outnumbered or whatever but if it's just one motherfucker like hey come with me no the roman army yeah good point there was a lot of them. They were the fiercest armies in history.

I'm trying to be a tough guy, and you're like, there was like a million of them, man. Yeah, they kind of whooped everybody. They took over the world for like 900 years. They killed like everybody they could find. Yeah. Just talking about like Genghis Khan, and you're like, yeah, that guy's probably like 5'2", because that was how tall people were over there. And it's like, nah,

because he had like 2 million guys who like raped and murdered like everybody. I imagine Genghis Khan as being 7 feet tall, just like a... Same. Well, like when I think about the story of David and Goliath, I'm like, well, how tall were people back then?

You Google it and it's like, all right, in that area, people were like 5'4". So Goliath is like, maybe he how tall were people back then? You Google it, and it's like, all right, in that area, people were like 5'4". So Goliath is like, maybe he's like 6'2". No, he most likely had acromegaly. Oh, yeah, good point. Or like, yeah, yeah. No, like historically, it's thought he was.

Andre the Giant disease or whatever? Yeah, and also, there were, I mean, you look at like, fucking, like Punjabis and shit like that Like there have been You know just races that were just generally taller For sure Like you know Canaanites or whatever I mean I don't

Know that he was you know 15 feet tall Or whatever About like 6'10 6'11 or some shit I guess there was a There was like a BBC thing That was like He was, you know, 15 feet tall or whatever. He was about like 6'10", 6'11", or some shit. I guess there was like a BBC thing that was like, you know, what did Jesus really look like? He was not a white man with long hair and a beard.

He was probably olive skinned and 5'2". And it's like that fucks the whole story up for me. As a Southern Baptist, that fucks the story up for me i need jesus to be like brad pitt fight club yoked and i need him to be like six two or two six five and i need him to look like jared leto it's fucked up as a as the italian royalty right that's a myth so behind the whole uh that's a yeah no that's like a like apparently that's like a widespread like red R slash atheism thing. No, the Borgias had nothing to do with the depiction of Christ. A lot of times, Christ was just depicted as per the dominant race or culture of the time.

So, of course, all Renaissance paintings are going to have Christ with long brown hair and, you know, fair skin or whatever. long brown hair and, you know, fair skin or whatever. I guess if the Chinese had adopted that shit early on or whatever, Christ would be, you know, whatever Chinese guys look like, I guess. Who knows? I have no, generally, I have no idea what they look like. I never quite figured it out. But, hey, did I ever tell you, man,

I had a Chinese girl roommate for a little while. Did I ever tell you about that? Ooh. tell you man i had a chinese uh girl roommate for a little while they ever tell you about that did you guys have ninja sex no she hated me like a lot she did not like me at all she didn't like the code because yeah family no i was fucked up man it was like a weird shitty i don't know it's one of the like a funnier times in my life, I guess. Her name was Jenny. And me and the guys, me, Frank, and another roommate of ours, we subletted this apartment on Riverside from these three girls that we knew. It was like a four-bedroom apartment.

They went back to Houston. They were like, do you want to keep our apartment for the summer? We were like, yeah. They were like, well, our other roommate's staying there her name is jenny and i was like oh that's cool and they were like jenny's from china i was like all right like jenny goes to ut like she's chill or whatever jenny was like not chill like at all it was like uh jenny was kind of fucked up or whatever um jenny also well i will i'll put it this way we were still like doing and selling drugs out of the apartment and jenny was just like subject to

that and i think jenny had probably never seen ecstasy or anything before or whatever uh or had like never seen a keg stand or it sounds like you just ruined a poor Chinese girl's life for like a summer. I did. Between May and September of 2013, me and three of my closest friends made a young Chinese girl UT student's life hell. We didn't do anything on purpose to her or anything fucking stupid, but we did throw parties there. And we did wrestle each other in the living room and body slam each other through the wall and do cocaine in the open. And beat the shit did wrestle each other in the living room and body slam each other through the wall and do cocaine in the open and uh you know beat the shit out of each other and uh we all work bar jobs so we were up four or five in the morning uh she would make weird snacks she would be chopping like an entire like fucked up fruit with a big ass knife i'm not even trying to be like edgy or stupid or anything she would eat eat like whole roots and shit and yell at us in the kitchen for leaving messes and stuff.

But I had nothing to tell poor Jenny, you know, at that time. She did try to move in with us, though, after the fact. She's like, where are you guys moving to? She sounded just like that, by the way. I'm not going to go. She's like, hey, what's up, Jake?

Where are you guys moving to? And we were like, we're going to move closer to the city because we got like six roommates so we can afford it. And she was like, oh, you guys have an extra room? Because she I think she was supposed to go back to China or something. But in short, she had a lot of like guy friends over, which was cool.

You know, like a lot of different suitors, I guess. But they were all Asian. So I think she might have been racist, you know. Or maybe they spoke Chinese. Yeah, no, I'm kidding. But it was very funny that every other week it was like a new Asian guy. And I was like, oh, okay. You're like, I didn't know we had that many here.

In Austin? It was like one of the whitest cities. It was like, yeah, I didn't know there were that many Chinese guys here. I didn't know there were that many Chinese guys here. I didn't know there were so many Southeast Asian people in the DFW area. There's a bunch in Houston, dude. And it wasn't like, no, it can't be anywhere. I hadn't seen them. There's tons of them.

There was one time. So one of the other roommates that we had there, his name was Jared, a little short Jewish guy that we grew up with or whatever. We were one of the first people I met when I moved to Austin. He sold shatter and wax and stuff. He's got it all laid out on the table in these little, you know those little fucking circle ass things that some guys sell their wax in for their shatter. They're like little plastic. I've never actually bought shatter.

Me neither, but he sold a ton of it. Anyway, he's got it all broken out. I think I know what you mean, though. Yeah. Yeah. He's got it all broken out of the table and she walks up to it. She's like, what's these? To Jared.

He's like, oh, it's drugs. She goes, oh. She goes, like, you know, what? He goes, it's like weed. She goes, oh. She goes, it doesn't look like weed. He goes, it's really strong. And she was like, oh, okay.

He's like, yeah. She goes, like, you know, broken. broken she's like why do you have so much he's like oh well i like you know i sell it to people and she goes oh okay this is like our first or two before things went sour she's like trying to get to know us this is very sweet and wholesome she goes can i try he was like he like he kind of like looked at each one of us I think she was like trying because like she would go out or whatever and like you know or whatever but he like looked at us and we were like do not give this Chinese girl a dab like don't like because first of all I don't think she had ever smoked weed before I don't know I could be I could have been assuming but the last thing I think I needed at that time

in my life I was like 19 it's like like just moved away from home like a year ago was to be an apartment with a Chinese girl I met like nine days ago and like giving her a dab and just being like hey go crazy you're gonna have a panic attack for like two and a half hours you probably throw up it'll be chill and he was like no no it's okay i don't think so she's like all right whatever uh and then i one time was breaking up coke on the table same thing anyway we get to like month in and she's like uh she like wants to get drunk with us and play like king Cup and drinking games. And we're like, all right, Jenny, whatever. She drinks three quarters of a Mike's Hard Cranberry, like the can. I think she went to the gas station and bought it.

I don't fucking know. And of course, again, you said it perfectly. I think maybe we made it. Her sharing that environment with us in that time of our life. I don't think that like it was good. I don't think it was good for her studies. I think maybe she maybe she moved back to China after that. Like she drank like three quarters of a Mike's heart cranberry.

It was like, all right, I guess, you know, fuck math or whatever the fuck. Or, you know, like fuck history. It would be funny to go to travel here from china to study american history yeah to get a ticket and then you go back to china yeah yeah you could yeah you could teach but uh an undergraduate history degree here is probably like it's you just take like a semester in china yeah oh yeah our schools our schools are so bad here i can't fucking talk that's okay it's okay it's my job to do it right now i can't do it i don't you know what's funny is i don't like people say that and i didn't know

like how bad the schooling was until I got to college and I met kids who were there from other countries who were like when did you learn we were talking about like math

and they're like when did you learn algebra and I'm like well I'm a bad person to ask because I failed algebra and they're like how I was like

well I'm a fucking idiot and I have like the math version of dyslexia or whatever the fuck and they're like oh okay they're like well in general and I'm like well you version of dyslexia or whatever the fuck. And they're like, oh, okay. They're like, well, in general. And I'm like, well, you take algebra like ninth grade, geometry, tenth grade.

If you're normal, maybe you take pre-cal junior year and calculus senior year. And they're like, oh, we were learning algebra in like junior high. Or like, you know. And I'm like, okay, that's swag. That's awesome. They're like, what languages do you know? And I'm like, English. And they're like, oh, well, do you learn languages in school and i'm like you can it's an elective but it's not like they're

like what time when do you start i'm like oh like high school i know that english because english is like i guess language of commerce or whatever franca like you fucking you know but um it wasn't until then that i learned that like yeah we are like Grossly behind everybody else Like we barely know how to read here or whatever the fuck Our colleges are good I guess Well we do live in the greatest Country on earth You know man I think We have the best healthcare we have the best roads

We have the best Cars Best bridges best buildings Do you think they could make a Cadillac Escalade In Bangladesh I'm pretty sure No Do you think they could make a Cadillac Escalade in Bangladesh? I'm pretty sure. No. They probably can't.

No. They couldn't, Jake. No, they couldn't. It would be called something else. Do you think they could make a Honda Accord in Japan? No. Do you think they could make a Tundra in San Antonio? No, they could not.

Because Tundras are made in Dallas, Texas. No, they're made in there. It doesn't fucking matter. I think they're made in San Antonio. Are they? I thought they were made in Del Valle out here. I don't know. I could be.

No, that's Tesla. Tesla moved out here in Del Valle, which is awesome. That shit's so fucking cool, dude. Every fucking, if you go out to like East Austin, you go east enough, you enter a city called Del Valle, which is a fucking shithole and uh they got a massive massive compound out there a tesla compound and it's contributing to the number of like tesla cocksuckers in this city who you know they first of all these cars cars go too fast. I'm a fast car guy. The Tesla Plaid has like a thousand horsepower or something like stock,

which, you know, you can't really do anything to it because it's a big fucking computer, but I'm doing an LS swap in a, in a Tesla, just trying to like weld, just turning it into like a nice Ford focus. Yeah. Like you're like,

you're like, I'm just taking like the, the mode, like the battery system motor out and just like very shittily just drilling like a big block V8 fucking into the front like trunk bay or whatever the fuck you put my Chevy's 305 into like a Tesla. You hear it start. It's like. People do. They do like Tesla swaps into old muscle cars, which pisses me the fuck off. Yeah, that shit pisses me off to no end. But it's because I'm a stick in the mud. But some guy did it to an old Challenger. And I was like, why?

Why? It's funny to me when guys put big block V8s in miatas and fiats and smart cars that's hilarious because it's funny to put like an 850 pound motor in a car that weighs like otherwise weighs like 1100 pounds or some shit you know uh the flying miata guys are the best putting that much horsepower in a car that weighs not that much is just goat status. Goated. You know, hey, you know who's not goated? Adolf Hitler. Yeah, I hate that guy nowadays.

You know who's not bussing? Ernest Rome. Is that how you pronounce his name? I think so. I don't know who the fuck that is. I mean, Gates over here. He's the Sturman Bator. There's going to be a World War II guy that gets mad.

Sturman Bator. He was the paramilitary leader that got killed or purged in the Night of the Long Knives by Hitler. He was gay. More like the Night of the Long Dicks. Yeah, he was a gay guy, some guys do believe. Hey, where do you think... Here's something, a question for you, Thomas, because you know so much about this community. Why are so many Nazis on the internet obsessed with like gay cartoon animals like i'm not saying just not just the furry thing but like uh what i was listening to music off my speaker phone that's okay speaker

no where nazis uh why are they like to... Why are there certain Nazi gay guys? It's like a whole subset of the internet. I don't understand. I mean... You know, somebody's got to listen to the podcast. I think... Fair enough. Oh, Nazi gay guys?

Did you say furry? No, I was like, there's some furries that are like Nazis, but I'm specifically talking about Nazis who are into like... I don't know, dude. I think I just follow too many guys who share shit. I was going to say, man, I mostly follow guys who go hiking. No, I follow one too many because I just follow people back, and I follow too many, I guess, Palma clones,

and they share fucked up shit, or they share and they retweet accounts that are like you know like it'll literally be a guy that's like he's like sieg heiling in a fucking old ss hat but then you know he also has like fucking thigh highs on he's like you know third reich or whatever and i tried to like a shame kink or something maybe but like how do you end up being a huge gay guy and also like a nazi like it doesn't make any sense to me i know that like i don't know it seemed the whole like who was that japanese dude that like right wingers worship he did seppuku hishima or whatever shin show yeah uh shishida i don't fucking know but yeah that like that guy was supposedly a gay guy so

i know there's like this masculinity the most masculine thing you can do is be gay type mentality i guess you know but that's not even what it is they draw like uh they draw like they'll draw fiona in shrek form in like a full ss regalia with a huge penis i'm not deviant art they'll like share it. When you get socially isolated to a certain extent, it doesn't really matter what your beliefs are that much. You don't interact with people in real life anyway.

Right. Good point. You become so unhinged that it's like you enter this microcosm, this community that's so small it doesn't make sense to anybody. Well, like, and also like,cosm, this like this community that's so small, it doesn't make sense to anybody. Well, like, and also like, you know, I guess it makes sense if you're dealing with, you know, mental issues that perhaps leave you somewhat lonely. You know, you might end up gravitating towards right you know it's more

extreme that okay but i understand that i understand like discontented and disenfranchised young men like i don't understand agree with it but i understand like why they do it you're lonely this community is full of lonely guys they teach you how to do bench press you know they teach you about fucking like ammo and you're like oh these are my brothers or whatever and then they're like yeah jews control the world you're like ah you know whatever i'm talking about guys who wear cat ears and fucking ss helmets and fucking you know like this part of the internet again by the way people fucking you know this shit i'm assuming solely exists on the internet i don't think that people are out here going to denny's you know dressed like fucking gold ring you know but with like makeup

on and like a fox tail or whatever the fuck i guess i just don't know what like how those two worlds collide like you're into animal shit and deviant art but you're also into like we need to restore the reich it doesn't mean if you're on 4chan a lot or whatever great point yeah i feel i mean that's definitely like a cesspool of like mental illness and like depravity and you know like those are two of some of the main things on there very good point yeah maybe there's something wires get crossed or whatever yeah you'd only have to check like two forums to get you good you spend like 10 seconds on there and you're like, I like furry porn and I love Hitler. Don't clip that. But yeah, I guess that makes sense.

I just don't know how you end up there. Like, because I've gone on 4chan. A lot of people don't give a fuck about their lives at all, is the thing. Yeah, but me and you kind of don't. We kind of do though we have things going on for us right good point i guess it's like we are we aren't complete we aren't disenfranchised we have people who will be mad at us for things very true yeah if i started if nobody's gonna tell you shit about anything why would you hold yourself to any certain regard

you know yeah if i started like i mean if you're like if i didn't have people who were mad at me or whatever and i was 30 you know like now i'm not gonna it left to my own devices i'm not really gonna get up to anything weird i might get super into whittling again i don't know but like when you're just kind of adrift and you have no real moral grounding or any sort of previous social expertise to base your drifting upon, really. Right, right. Wherever the wind blows you is where you end up. It blows you to homosexual alligator Nazi porn, I guess. I mean, I don't really give a fuck if that's i i mean no i don't i mean here's the thing i don't often think about it but i've asked a couple people specifically

people who are like hey jake check this out and it's something like that i'm like that fucking sucks man why would you send me that and they're like it's funny and i'm like why do you think people are like this and they're like i don't fucking know i just like because when i was a teenager and i was like doing the live leak and the rotten.com thing did i end up on fucking 4chan 100 or b like reddit or whatever yeah but i guess it never clicked for me to to be like you know what i'm into is uh a big cow and the udder's nipples are huge and she's got a swastika medallion on and a son and red tattoo and she's doing a kickflip over you know like the entrance into auschwitz and i beat off to that like i that never like like none of that shit ever fucking i do know that like the

deviant art community sucks dick and like that community is fucked up and those are the guys or part of that community is like the fundamental those are the guys a part of that community is like the fundamental like the guys i was like telling you about they're like you can draw hyper realistic certain type of porn it's not illegal and i guess the court systems are like i guess not those guys i guess it's yeah i guess you're right it's just being a fucked up individual loser to like the highest degree not even to a cool degree where you like you know you're right it's just being a fucked up individual loser to like the highest degree not even to a cool degree where you like you know you're a line cook and you sell xanax to your friends or whatever like that's a cool loser i've been in that position but like a fucked up kind of depraved

animal where you just you're no longer human like you really aren't, you're just kind of like a pig. Like a sick critter. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. A sick critter. My pigga? What's up, my pigga? Yep. Well, Jake, we need to re-enfranchise the youth.

Yeah, so... You suggest we do this. All right, so we're going to take all the weirdo Nazi furry people, and we're going to get them back into the fold. We're going to take them to open mics. I like where this is going. We're going to take them to open mics, and I'm going to put their name in the hat,

and they're going to do five minutes of jokes, and everyone will love them so much that they'll need that validation and affirmation, et cetera, that they've been needing in their lives that they found and, you know, drawing pictures of fucking, you know, Nemo with an, a 10,

a Nazi 10, a pan, a Panzer tank. They'll take that and they'll, you know, run with it and they'll be normal again. We can take them to the museum. I think we need to teach these kids how to eat pussy.

Very good idea. Yeah. I think we need to teach these kids how to eat pussy very good idea yeah i think gunpoint yeah yeah something so they don't fold under pressure yeah that's someday they do have a gun to their head yeah and they're having to suck my dick right i'm gonna kill them if they don't do it i'm gonna blow the fucking back of their head all over would you end up but no you'd shoot yourself in the own in your own dick if you shot them in the back of the head no if they're sucking your dick and you shot them like this you would shoot your penis off you think i would angle it you said back of the head right they're sucking your penis the back of the head is very large it's one of the main sides head. You're still risking like a shard of bullet or bone hitting your no-no zone, man. Which is not good.

You know what I'm saying? Okay, well the other person is going to be dead. You could shoot them in the temple and that would completely miss your peace. How many people do you think I'm going to be killing like this? You just said that this was going to be like a mass death scenario. I didn't say it was mass death. I said it's them. The community has at least 10 or 20 000 people in it all right well i'm probably not all of them then i'm a busy

guy all right some are gonna slip through the cracks i imagine but it's gonna happen to a lot of people it's a lot of people are going to be a lot of people. A lot of people are going to be in that situation. And it's going to be with me. Yeah, a lot of guys are going to. If there's one thing I'm probably known for, it's, anyway, man, let's see. What are we at, 37 minutes? If you haven't tried them yet, the Trader Joe's Organic Pitted Medjool Dates are the perfect snack

with a lunch, with a breakfast, with the most and with the lessest. If you go to Trader Joe's with a Glock 19 and you make the register guy type in Pendejo Time 20 and then you shoot him in the chest, you can get a pack of Medjool Dates

for free they're the crunchy fun for wonderful one and they eat you can eat them all day you can eat two tubs of them and get it to go into a diabetic coma or once again that's trader joe's organic pitted medjool dates the yummy treat for the boy on the street. They haven't given us any money yet, but man, I love these goddamn things. I've been going to the Trader Joe's and going to the register guy. Hey man, normally they're here in the back next to the chips or whatever,

but I'm looking for the yummy treats for the boys on the street. I'm looking for the chewy fun for the boys on the street. I'm looking for the chewy fun for the man with the gun. Yeah, yeah. I was wondering if you could get me to the tasty snack for the guy that smokes crack. It's usually over here next to the red licorice or whatever. Anyway, I'm going to shoot the fuck out of you like a lot, and then I'm going to fuck you.

So if you could just give me my medjool dates. You want to play the fuck out of you like a lot And then I'm going to fuck you So you can just give me my Majeule dates You want to play the game of the week You want to hear the challenge of the week Dude you know how long it's been since we had a Thomas challenge Let's hear the Thomas challenge man How many dates do I have In that tub

Yep 19 In that tub? Yep. 19. 12. Fuck. You're close. How was I there? You were too far off, though. So what happens? And now you have to kill yourself.

Fuck. God damn it. Fuck. I hate when I lose this job. I fucking hate when I have to kill myself bro This fucking sucks dude I hate killing myself Dude killing yourself is not busting dog And it's not fine

Bro this is sus It's sus to kill yourself It's sus to eat a bunch of dates and die Well it's Wednesday night You know what that means Eat a bunch of dates And tell my friends to kill themselves Just like mass texting everyone in your phone Well, it's Wednesday night. You know what that means? Eat a bunch of dates and tell my friends to kill themselves.

Just like mass texting everyone in your phone, like ex-girlfriends, old bosses, coworkers. Kill yourself. Hey, I'm riding high off 38 dates, Majul style, and I need you to go home. I need you to go leave work and hang yourself. I got 700 grams of sugar in my tummy, and you need to kill yourself tonight. I should not be eating this much sugar. The doctors are very mad at me. But I've been eating a lot of my jewels,

and I need you to suck my jewel and then kill yourself. My jewels. Run my jewels. You like that, man? Mm-hmm. Yo, communism and fucking Zach Della Rocha and fucking the DSA and I sit in my chair. USA is bad. Cops more like the Klan.

LP, hit him with it. What's up? Elephant Man, Dribbles, Elephant, Telepant. We're a Telepant. I slap you with my nuts and I stuff my dick down your throat and I fuck you with it. And it's a bread-liver-pam.

We should not have invaded Afghanistan. And then the Taliban. We funded them. CIA. Hand it back to Killer Mike. What's up? Happy Tiger, I'm eating fries and I'm feeling fire. Exactly.

Happy Tiger, you fries feeling fire. I'm a big fat motherfucker and I suck dick, by the way. And I'm a socialist cool black guy named Mike. Me and Bernie Sanders, we were friends. I think I saw an interview with them one to two times. Check it out. I went on Charlamagne and I sold some soda. Hand it back to LP.

What's up, LP? Sorry, I had to swallow my date. That's all right. I split him and rip open his lips and I split my dick in it. I spit it in there. I strip it down. I strip and suck on him and I fuck him in the ass. Hell yeah, LP. I love that verse. Not not my best verse but i'm lp baby all their beats are like they're like uh it's like somebody took the fucking uh like injury reserve but like ran it

through like this it's like not i don't i like the first album okay i guess but it became very like like hot topic right i don't fucking know it was like uh you know yeah you know i throw i throw a beer at a cop because i'm fucking real ass motherfucker you know it's in it that was a motorcycle hand it over your first time getting scared of a motorcycle. Well, your first time getting scared of a motorcycle? Jackass. Fuck you.

Thank you. Do you remember, like, the first two months of this show, we were, like, just trying to, like, get into a groove or whatever, so we'd spend, like, the last 20 minutes being like, I fucking hate you, dude, and you suck dick, and I fucking hope you die. We had known each other for, like, four and a half months. It's like, we played Warzone. Yeah, I mean, I hope you die we'd known each other for like four and a half months it's like we played war zone i mean i hope you honestly hope your whole family gets hit by yeah bro like i know your grandma's dying of fucking alzheimer's right now but like she could get it

dog like i'm gonna fuck her i'm gonna fuck her i'm gonna fuck your carpet bro yeah i'm gonna get you're gonna step on you're gonna get sticky it's an icky icky bug i'm gonna get in that couch cushion like a fucking sick animal dude i mean i'm gonna weave my web across your face like a spider and you're gonna walk through it and go yo i'm gonna show you my silkworm big dog i'm gonna i'm gonna have you out in an alley eating fish skeletons like i'm gonna i'm gonna beast you out like a fucking leopard, dude. I'm going to show you the fucking plains and the tundra. I'm going to treat you like olive oil in the cartoon. I'm going to sizzle you up, dude. I'm going to get a nice mired reaction on your butt cheeks.

I'm going to pick you up with one arm and take you down to the docks and sell you. Yeah, I'm going to polish you up like an old schooner. I'm going to fix one of your boards, bitch. Yeah, I'm going to get your taillight because it's been blinking for a couple days. I'm going to make you into a marinade and i'm gonna fuck your nose yeah i'm gonna go over and fix your trim i'll do i'm gonna go yeah i'm gonna fix your baseboards up brother i'm gonna i'm gonna let you fucking know i'm gonna rip your carpet up but i'm gonna put some tile down yeah i'm gonna put some really nice tasteful tile down there for you do you like

linoleum? It's the cheaper option, but we can go granted if you can afford it. Your foundation's fucked up, so I'm going to drop some foam in under your concrete slab. And that should do the trick for six months, and you're going to want to get a guy in here. I'm going to go to your

house, and I'm going to have six. You wouldn't. You would not. You would not. You would not do that here. You wouldn't dare cross the wizard. You wouldn't fuck here. You would not fuck the wizard. You shall not fuck here.

You shall not ass. You shall not fuck me. Big ass monster with a huge penis. You shall not fuck me. Big ass monster with a huge penis. You shall not fuck me in the ass. That's a good... We're on a roll right now. We're on a roll, and you know,

no one's probably ever, ever thought about what if that was gay. No one's ever... What if... Here. You shall not snack. Okay. And it's a a big fiery bowl of cheetos and he wants one but he's watching his weight that's i'm not kidding man that sounds like one

of those super bowl commercials that people would talk about at work like three days after like how funny it was like fucking like what's his name patrick stewart or i don't fucking know who the game was ellen mckellen that too those are two old gay guys the same guy but uh ian mckellen you shall not snack and then it's like jack black and he looks like a little gay devil and he's fat and he's got a bowl of hot cheetos and you go to work on wednesday and you're still hung over from super bowl and you got diarrhea still from chicken wings and your co-worker who you love is your favorite co-worker and they're like, did you see bro? Did you see Lord of the Rings when it was so funny, dude? It's like reminded me of like old office type humor, you know, like old Parks and Rec type stuff.

Did you think that was funny? Thomas. Thomas, we work in an office together. My name is Andrew Schultz. Yeah, I love working in an office with you, co-worker. Yeah, I'm your boss, Andrew Schultz. Yeah, I love working in an office with you, co-worker. Yeah, I'm your boss. Andrew Schultz and hey, Thomas, we work at Google

together. Andrew, I'm gonna jack you off in the bathroom. I need your help. Hey, just real quick, boss. I've been trying to get a hold of you through Slack. I was wondering if I could jack you off and I could fuck you in your butt a little bit. Hey, so on Tuesday, I don't know if I told you, I'm gonna jack you off. Yeah, so Tuesday, just to't know if I told you, I'm going to jack you off.

Yeah, so Tuesday, just to circle back, I know we've been super hella busy with these deadlines, boss man, but Tuesday in the handicap stall, I'm going to fuck you out real solid style. It's going to be really good. So I know that... Yeah, Saturday, I know, I know, we don't do weekends.

I'm going to give you the worm until you get that sweet release. Right. Yeah. So I know we talked about, you know, when you first got hired on here, you know, oh, we're, you know, work-life balance. But I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday, and I'm going to need to lick your hole like a sugar-glazed donut. I'm just going to have to fucking, you know, I'm know we have to get up in there uh thank you for getting back to me on that that looks like you're eating a cockroach husk i wonder if you can grow your own dates i'm sure you can they're just like that what you're eating is just a dried

what is it is a date a dried other type of fruit hold on no or is that just like own type of fruit is a dried fig looks like a palm tree oh is it yeah it's a yeah damn so what do they taste like i don't even think i've ever had a goddamn date like a big raisin fuck i hate raisins it's not much better than that i fucking do not like raisins at all man i don't like raisins i don't like mayonnaise i don't like uh i like fucking life in a northern town what are you looking at man? I'm looking at pictures of date trees It's like when my dad was eating chicken wings

And was looking at the picture of the chicken wing I guess it's just something that guys do They're beautiful They really are cool looking They look like alien trees and shit This one kind of looks like a bunch of peanuts Check that out Yeah I like that.

Yeah, me too. It's not really for me, though. They do look like... Well, that's because you're a stupid chicken shit bastard. This one kind of looks like a little pussy. It looks like you just looked up a picture of a pussy there. I don't know. No, this is...

It's showing the inside of a date. It says seed, epicarp, mesicarp, endocarp. All right, don't get fucking smart with me. All right. I never will do that. I don't know how to read. I never learned how to read. Very cool.

I never learned how to read. I can only read. Jake, can I ask you a personal question? Yeah Have you seen Sylvester lately? He hasn't checked in I was actually going to ask you about him Okay

That worries me So last time I saw Sylvester We were at the Hootenanny Right And he was telling me about his light bulb Business idea He was going to invent it. Problem is, though, as I told Sylvester, and I don't know if this made him mad,

but I was like, you know that's been invented for like 140-something years. Right. He gets into those loops. Yeah. He got really, really upset. And I haven't seen him since. We were at the Hootenanny. I got you.

And he was really cutting a rug and i think i maybe ruined his day a little bit but you got to keep sylvester grounded well i i haven't seen him since the the the since the honky tonk yeah well but i i he he came up to me and he asked if his whiskers were getting a bit salt and pepper and i said i can't lie to you sylvester they're getting a tad salt and pepper but i think you look gentlemanly and he told me he said he said i can't have this i can't bear witness to my own slow demise right it's not a slow demise death itself is very very fast what you're what you're seeing before yourself sylvester is graceful aging you look wise right you look elegant yeah it's good it's good look for you you said do you even like my sylvester sweater i said of course it was red crimson even right i had a little fringe

lining i enjoyed it i found it sexually arousing i know i wouldn't tell him that just face he's sylvester you know you don't tell some tell him stuff like that right right right but nonetheless i think the the my rather flagrant remark regarding his salt and pepper whiskers may have led to his untimely disappearance. Well, you know, when was the honky-tonk? Was it shortly before the hootenanny? It was around the hollerback, honestly. Yeah, yeah. the holler back honestly yeah yeah well i think maybe the the combination of me ruining his light bull business idea and you saying maybe he's you know he's getting a little peppery may have caused

him to go on a little oh the salt is a problem the pepper's always been there jake you know that true it may have gone on you know his little uh sylvester soirees you know and perhaps he provided a bit of his own salt. The game is as afoot as we claim it to be. Well, we might need to go on a little Sylvester hunt here soon. We really might, and I hate to say it, but we're going to need a lot of help from our friends. We're going to need to bring back Clippard. We're going to need to get Clippard on the horn we're gonna need to get uh bibo bibo can we get gronku gronku gronku's vacationing in thailand

remember ah right yeah yeah he's uh he's starting his own modeling business right right with his child modeling business gronku is a you know he's always out doing his own. He's been a lifelong child actor ever since he was a kid. Right. Yeah. I think he's like 66 now, you know? Yeah. So we can get Bebo. We can get Clifford.

We can get, we can get Kenbo. Can we get Carl the horse? Carl the horse. He's a guy. He works... I think he works Saturdays, but if we go hunt Sylvester hunting on Sunday, I think Carl the horse can be there.

Here's what worries me about Sylvester. He's so cunning. Right. He's a very smart... He's deceptive. He's a deceptive man. And he is as handsome as ever. Right. I worry his guile will get him pretty far. deceptive he's a deceptive man and he is as handsome as ever right i worry what is his

will get him pretty far his guile yeah he's got so much guile a lot of people don't understand he's got spunk as well and moxie you put that much spunk in one guy in one sylvester at that he's got spunk leaking out of his ears at this point yeah he's spunky sylvester that's what we've always called him ever since he's a baby where do you think he would hang out at if he was hiding out he might be a gym you know jinkies roller rink last time you know i ran into him this calls for a musical number doesn't it it really does let's oh where would you hide if you were Sylvester?

I hope that you don't get molestered again, Sylvester, my friend. You're mine. Sylvester, where does he hide when he needs to go? Where they don't... Where he wonders if his whiskers will grow

salt and pepper is what they say he's afraid of what the flavor will weigh flavor will weigh when it's on a scale oh what's heavier a cat or a whale. Sylvester, my friend, don't scamper, don't scurry. It's time for your dinner and it's time for you to hurry. Sylvester, my friend, it's not the end. Don't jump in that water. Don't jump around that bend. Sylvester, my buddy, I love you so. Sylvester my buddy I love you so Please don't spend all your money On hookers and blow Because as you know Sylvester

Back in the 80's Had a really really bad Sort of a Vegas stint He might be At the casino Sylvester is here At the casino He's drinking a beer

And it's a big brown beer And it tastes like foam Oh what is he doing He's calling his phone Yes yes yes What's on the phone A picture of a cat No sir it's a bone

A bone for a dog Or not for a cat. Yummy, yum, yum. Bone, bone, scratch, scratch. Here is Sylvester. He's on the casino. He loves to hang out here in Reno. Arizona? Better or somewhere? I don't remember, but it's definitely somewhere. So if he's not at the roller rink, he could be at the casino.

The problem with Sylvester is you've got to lure him in because of his guile and his moxie and his spunk and his spite and his hatred of mankind. So you need to... You know Sylvester's favorite thing. Do I? Oxycontin. Olvester's favorite thing. Do I? Oxycontin. Oxycontin, yeah. But I'm all fresh out of that. But his next favorite thing, Majul Dates.

And you have just a couple of them left. I've got at least four. Yeah, at least four Majul Dates. Do you think we should sing a song to get him to come eat a yummy date? Yummy, yummy date, my friend Sylvester. Yummy, yummy

date. Don't let your wounds fester at the casino. Eat some sweet, sweet fruit. It's your fruit for your friend. Friend from Thomas and Jake. Fruit, yummy Fruit yummy yum snack for you Oh Sylvester Do I have a snack

For you to eat yes sir please do not attack Please come Eat my jewel date It's so so good what is this big dry grape No sir no It is a big fruit and you can eat it yes yes thank you so sylvester you want to eat it yeah i really bet you do i really bet you want to come through and eat this fruit yes sir and it's organic and you can come around and eat it in a hammock if you want to, Sylvester the Man, or maybe a cat, or maybe a ham.

Are you a ham? No, probably not. But you should eat this date before it gets too hot. Silvio, my friend, why have you forsaken me and Thomas? So that's how you get Sylvester to come out of the slot machine room. You have to have different songs for each game, and he likes the opera when he's there. Fuck that motherfucker, and I've got something else to talk about. What is it here?

We got shows. Shows coming up. If you want to see the boys, please pay up. Come to the show on June 24th. You can wear some pants or you can wear some shorts. It's only $20 at Creek and the Cave. All of our friends, they will sing and then rave. They'll say, good job, Jake and Thomas.

It was worth the money that I spent on this. If the guy doesn't get back to me, I'll build a big bomb and I'll blow up Sixth Street. Sixth Street, yes. That's less than seven. It's more than eight. It's more than nine. And go straight to heaven.

We have shows. You can go to creakingcave.com. I will not build a gun. I will not build a bomb. Just take your card out and put in the information and you can come to the show. It will be a sensation. It's me and Thomas and some other comedians. Um, seven o'clock and 9 o'clock don't question to the median on the way here

creaking cave is where it's at creakingcave.com don't have a heart attack my foot is asleep yeah come to the fucking shows we got probably maybe we'll have some merch we got a cool we'll have some merch

we got a cool design shout out to joey for doing these shows they're almost sold out i don't mean to alarm you guys but there is probably all the tickets left for both of these shows uh and so that's probably like 200 tickets left, and they're going fast. So if you want to come see me and Thomas do the show, and you're in Austin, Texas, come on out to that. And if my leg's still asleep by then, you can help wake it up. I wanted to get something going for Thomas' kidneys. If you can pray for Thomas' kidney and his piss hole and his urethra. No, it's fine.

Right. But just to make sure everything's good, I need you to sit alone in your room in the dark and go, Thomas, Thomas, kidney. Thomas, Thomas, pray. Please make all of Tommy's pee pee go away. Please don't do that. Actually, the only way to stop me from having kidney issues is to buy as many tickets as you can afford. Yeah, buy as many as you can.

Not for the sake of my ego, but for the sake of my peepo. Yeah, for his peepo and his peepo. Bye-bye, white peepo. Bye.