Pendejo Time - butt rock boys

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

its time we as a society admit that creed isnt that bad. who is with me. Support the Show.

Six feet from the edge, and I think I remember the old dog. I don't know. You ever been in a Pearl Jam cover band? No. No, I can't say that I have, brother. Me neither. Well, first time for everything, I guess. I think the most important part of a Pearl cover band would just be having a guy who sounds like that.

Right. And the rest sort of falls into place. Right. I mean, I've been like to – I remember there's like a bar called Scout Bar in Houston where I've seen some good bands, but I've also been there to see like cover bands for like grunge and then like butt rock. Like, you know, fucking like this shit. Like, yo, and we're going to get into a fight and stuff like that. That's what butt rock is?

Butt rock is, yeah. It's like crossfade. All that like that. And so butt rock is, but rock is, yeah, it's like crossfade all that. Like, I don't know. Well, you know what? How about here's,

I'll do you send me a list of words and I'll look them up later. Cause yeah. Otherwise it's going to have to be 25 minutes to be gone. Right. I don't know what that is either. Right. There was, but rock is just like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, butt rock is just like – creed can be called butt rock,

nickelback, stuff like that. Oh, okay. I got you. Yeah, yeah. It's just like – you know. Anyway, there was this guy that went to my high school who – he's like a really good bass player. We were like friends in like elementary, junior high,

and then like kind of stopped hanging out with my high school, just different crowds, I suppose. But he, to this day will invite, like he'll send a mass invite to everybody he's friends with. It's like to come watch his, uh, what's the band. It's, um, God smack cover band. Yes. And, uh, they're called like, I don't, dude, it's something like, it's some like biblical reference.

And like God Smack, it's like Revelation Flames. Something really fucking like, something along those lines where you're like, man, I would rather that you sold like child pornography than do the not really. But and so anyway, he'll send these out. And then like back in the day, he'd be like, hey, man, my my Godsmack cover band's playing at Scout Bar. Like, you know, I know you're in a band. So it'd be great if you could like come out. I'm like, man, I don't live in Houston anymore, but I would. And he's like, oh, well, you know, we got all these dates.

And it's like, every time this happened, it was always one of those situations where what I said was the nice version of no. You know, like, hey, I'm an Austin man. I don't come up a lot, which isn't true. I come up all the time. But I was like, I just, you know. Yeah. You should have left it there. That have been clean exit yeah yeah and he was like well we got not obligated to

provide either right right exactly like leaving somebody on red is you know a guy you don't even really talk to i haven't talked to the guy in like 10 years uh but anyway so he's like oh well we're always playing at scout bar and we've got kind of a residency there. So, you know, just let me know when you're in town and you should come. And I was like, all right, man. Like, you know. And there was one time I was in town visiting my mom and I posted like, you know, we were at some seafood joint. I was like, oh, you know, I'm here at the shack with my family or whatever. And he messages me and he's like, hey, dude, are you in town?

And I'm like, yeah. I had forgotten like our last conversation he's like dude i'm at scout bar tonight like trying to get a bunch of people to come out and see the godsmack cover band like do you want to come and i was like man i have again like uh i'm with the family tonight he's like oh man well you should bring him out at that point point, I was like, man, I can't come. I'm not coming. And he was like, like, he did like, he typed and then not typed, he did the dot dots.

He was like, oh, well, like, I could get you on the guest list or whatever. And I was like, dude, hey, good luck. Like, I'm not coming. You know, whatever. And then like an hour later, I'm scrolling through my Facebook feed, and I guess like whatever the Facebook version of subtweeting somebody is, and this is years ago, but it was just like I don't know the guy. I don't hang out with him. He was like, you know, like musicians just don't respect other musicians these days.

I was like – That's the best lesson you can learn from that, honestly. Well, first of all, the answer to that is a no-brainer. I love my friends' bands, and I think they make good music, and I love my friends, and I will go to support my friends. But as a general rule, I don't really go to shows much anymore a b like i like i'm not gonna go see a cover band man like i unless it's something like funny like if you're doing cut like if you're doing like tears for fears covers and your lead singer is like a midget yeah i'm

gonna be there like i'm there don't give people ideas because yeah right right right like you know like if you're like you know dire straits and you have a chinese guy up front oh man like i'm there every night but if you're just like a guy that i used to do like yeah do kick flips with like in the driveway and you're in a godsmack cover band that you've been playing in for like nine years like i'm not you know godsmack still put out music no they had a i don't know they might i know they had a run where like they were in all the army commercials and then all of the mummy movies and that was like their clean sweep uh like that was you know like that was their heyday i'm maybe like in the same way that like tool still makes music because like

you know okay but tool still makes good music that is true i was thinking of a band from that era and that's the first one that came to mind not to be that is true but like tool no i mean no they're great i love i'm saying like a band from that era like a band that's been playing like grunge adjacent or whatever for like 35 years like that is like yeah i'm sure they still make music did you hear that new um five finger death punch single it's crazy do you know the band family force 5 oh do I yeah I think I do it's like a Christian metal

it's like yes but it's not like under oath Christian metal core it's like hell yeah anyway is it like disciple do you know that one no I don't but it's it's fucking corny dude it sucks because disciple back in when i was growing up that was a default um like christian metal band

yeah there was like christian i don't know like like under oath was supposed to but like these this is like a they're like christian i don't know it's like oath was supposed to but like these this is like a they're like christian i don't know it's like corny anyway there was a guy in my college who so we went to it was a catholic school like a catholic university but it wasn't like it wasn't like a religious place at all the school was also called like closet on the hilltop because everyone like went there to like become gay like that was the big that's where you went right i i did and i didn't become gay i was one of the uh standouts i went there to become more straight i bet she stood out anyway this guy like he was he was roomed with my friend at the time jack who uh was a homosexual guy and uh still is this day to this day i don't i don't know the guys it's

funny to say that but i don't know and he this guy i forget his name but he would eat like so in front of our dorms we had clips that you could like that the ras would like attach like notices to like hey like please keep it down after, like pieces of paper or invites to parties or whatever. Like people would leave little post-it notes. Well, this motherfucker would leave like pro-life propaganda, like all over the, like all over the dorm. And this is a very, very liberal college. Like religious affiliation aside, like it was a profoundly, profoundly like liberal school. aside like it was a profoundly profoundly like liberal school uh and uh like every day i would come outside and there would be some like it would be like one of those pictures of a fetus that's like the size of a fruit gummy and it would be like this thing has a soul and a heartbeat and

a name and its name is you know fucking john or whatever dj its name is keith um and uh and so we decided collectively that we were gonna like fuck with this guy um this is the guy i told you that somebody and i think i told you somebody in the dorm kept printing out gay pornography at the school and sliding it under their door like like like like it was like full-blown like not like two dudes kissing like just what hey just just go on just go on the google and get real grime you go to like the 15 minute and 27 second mark and it's just in the in the heat of the moment wherever that is yeah correct like leather and whatever the fuck and puppy dog suits and would like slide under his door and he never dude he had the best poker face respect this guy because there was like

there was like never a moment when i thought you know like there was one time where he was like ah i guess like we heard him scream and it came from there and i was like oh that is bm but he would listen i bring up family force five, you know, it's a college dorm. Like, you walk past the hallway, you'll hear, like, this is, like, 2014 or 2012. Yeah, 2013. Just like Trinidad James or whatever. Yeah, you'll hear, like, gold all in my chain. Hey, whatever.

Yeah, anyway, that guy sucked massive amounts of penis and balls off. And, look, I know some conservatives may be listening to this and, anyway, that guy sucked massive amounts of penis and balls off. And, look, I know some conservatives may be listening to this and, like, Christian guys. Hey, man, more power to you. You know, do your thing. But I think you should be able to, like, kill a baby, like, at any time. That's how pro-choice and progressive I am, dude. I've seen him do it just to prove a point yeah

i remember that uh that when they're like that video came out or it was like a like right-wing propaganda and it was like uh they're they they sell little baby baby body parts on the black market. And they're cutting up your little baby and they're not killing it. They're keeping it for science research. And they had this video, this like grainy video of a doctor. Grainy video of a guy in scrubs. And he's like, clearly like the most set up up like not real thing where he's like yeah as an abortion doctor my favorite thing to do is to sell little baby legs

like it's not like it was clearly some guy that like they were doing you know and the the nugget the kernel of truth was like the stem cell thing that everyone has known forever is like some stem cells or whatever like from whatever but i remember i was at a house party once uh that one of my roommates had invited me to and this guy he worked with like before i get to the party he's like hey man um so my friend my co-worker eric's there uh don't talk like politics with him don't talk anything with him and he like at the time i was one of those guys who had like six beers and that was my favorite thing i was not fun at parties i would do a little coke drink 900 beers and just start

talking my shit uh and of course that's like my warning i guess he's like hey man just don't do it so what do i do like the first thing i get there i'm like you know i thought this guy he i wish he would have informed me that it's not that he was just like a normal conservative guy i he basically he was like an identity europa guy but before that was like the guy was at the party he was friends with somebody as a co-worker there he was like just there and uh the guy was just like we were talking and i was like i have i have friends who are like i guess like center right or whatever just people i hang out with or people I know. But this guy was like, yeah, man, I just think that, like, you know,

you just build a big wall and you just shoot at it, like, every hour or so. And I'm like, nice. I was definitely, like, misinformed about who you were. I thought you were just, like – A guy who, like, misinformed about who you were. I thought you were just, like. A guy who, like, likes jazz too much. Yeah. Like, a guy who's like, eh, taxes kind of suck. I thought that's, you know, that we're talking.

And it's not getting heated, but I'm like, man, I just don't want to talk to you anymore. He's like, why? You don't like debate? And I'm like, no, I'm realizing right now that i am the problem not you necessarily you suck dick and you should die but i'm the problem because i am at a house party where there's liquor and drugs and fucking music and fucking pizza and brisket and fucking cornhole outside and i'm in here with you motherfucker like and we're doing it like both of us should be fucking killed right now like there are people out here that are your friends and my friends like you know so like that was like one of like my epiphany of like just

stop like nobody really gives a fuck like i used to do that shit all the time and it was like super annoying and then like hanging out like now and i hear it at bars i'm to do that shit all the time and it was like super annoying and then like hanging out like now and i hear it at bars i'm like dude that really sucks and i'm like i'm like dude you did that every night for like nine years so why don't you just like calm down a little bit but you know now uh i talk to you two nights a week yeah um you know you can't beat it and you know we talk about stuff like houston rap and oh yeah the best kinds of hot dogs and what kind of gun we would use to do something that we couldn't take back. Yep. Yeah.

What's it? You're like, you're like, your dad walks in and you're like, I mean, I guess HK, like 40. I mean, I don't want to go anything lower than 40 because then you run the risk of like missing and it doesn't work. You want through and through, like, you don't want to run the risk of having to wear a hat and like you know shaking a lot in a chair for the rest of your life you know you want to go hollow point 40 plus and i'm like yeah yeah i think i would use a 12 gauge toe style cobain mode just really take the whole front of my head completely the fuck off and you're like oh yeah ingenuity yeah name of the game with that one um i would use a turret can you imagine like be yeah i think i would use a 22 and just see how you know like a pinball machine how many times yeah yeah it would be

i i don't want to say it'd be cool but it would be impressive to die by shooting yourself in the head like seven times. Yeah, like they open your head. Like a semi-auto. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Not even like full auto. No, just like, see how many times you could do it? Yeah.

It's like you just take a deep breath, you train, like you dry fire your head for like 16 times, and you're like, all right, I'm getting that third one pretty quick. You get to where you're like, you know when you kill a snake, but it's still got its head on, so it's still wriggling around. Yeah, yeah. So it's got that nerve thing. You train your body to where once you do it, it fires off the rest of the clip. Right, right. Oh, the electrical. Yeah, the impulse.

Yeah. Dude, I remember Mike. They're like, he was shot in the head 30 times. the rest of the clip right right oh the electrical yeah the impulse yeah dude i remember my they're like he was shot in the head 30 times we believe this was self-inflicted all the conspiracy guys are like dude jake and thomas must have been onto something and it's like no we were we were training to kill ourselves for like six years yeah i remember my uncle my uncle who's like i told you like a big gun guy like tons of guns in the house when i was like younger and i've heard this from other people and i don't understand this line of thinking but like speaking of the 22 that you mentioned it's like you go you don't

want to shoot a man with a 22 because you know i mean if it don't stop him, he's going to keep coming. So you want to get something bigger. And I understand that line of thinking. But I'm also like, if you come into my house with like a shirt on and you just have skin under it, like you're not robbing me with like a plate carrier on. Like, I feel like a 22 is fine. Like, I don't like, not that it's like it looked like also like do you i think uh of all people i think bill burr actually went over this where he was like i don't want to fire off like a 45 in my house because

i'm just not going to be able to hear yeah yeah yeah and it's if and if if you don't use hollow points like if it goes through like you're responsible for where that goes or whatever so i never understood my uncle's like you got to get something big like you know uh magnus you know 40 45 and i was like dude i'm not getting like again it's not like a green beret is breaking into my house. I live off the interstate. It's probably going to be some guy who's like, hey, I just smoked like a whole bunch of crack, and I'm going to stab you like so much. Like, you know, like I'm going to kill you and your dog.

Like, I'm going nuts. Is that cool? Like, if I had a.22, I feel like that would do it. It's not like i'm gonna throw my pcp or something i mean but then you need like a killdozer at that point i mean right i i mean the thing is you just gotta be the brokest guy in your neighborhood at all times well or at least understand that mentality yeah yeah like up until recently you went to my house when i first moved in yeah um i had nothing that you could steal other than furniture right you would have to like bring a a u-haul van to rob me at that point right right you could steal the copper out of my house

you could do that but i didn't have a tv i had a laptop that's worth probably 25 dollars yeah um i had some fireworks uh some lighter fluid some lawn chairs um i had a few knives and like a hawaiian shirt Mm-hmm. And, like, a Hawaiian shirt. Yeah. Yeah, I think, like, you know, well, see, my leave your car door unlocked mentality bit me in my ass. Yeah. But, you know, that was my – I should have left my jacket in there. Why anybody would want to steal a stinky jacket with, like, blood and queso on it,

I don't know. To this day, I don't. But I guess the point I'm trying to make is is that like i think it's also worth considering that like if somebody enters your home like am i just going to pull the trigger once with the 22 no i'm going to dump the fucking magazine or the you know whatever the fuck like there's also a good chance like that you will not get the opportunity to. Sure, right. Yeah, there's always like... That's assuming that...

Like, most people are a pretty bad shot. Uh-huh. And under pressure, most people are not better. What you're going to do is you're going to get your 12-gauge out and you are going to shoot yourself in the thigh immediately.

Yeah. And you are going to bleed out while Bones plays on your ex-wife's TV. And that's what you're going to watch as the lights start to fade and your memories of your childhood on the playground and all that. You know, your uncle yelling at you. Getting molested. You know, you look up and some 6 know six four guy could be any race you know he's six four 125 like yeah yeah one of those guys yeah he's he's just you know eating the the cheez-its in your kitchen and then leaving

he's not even stealing anything yeah he just thought he was breaking into his grandma's house. Yeah. He didn't even think he was breaking in. He just thought he was coming home, you know? Yeah. I like that, dude. I remember reading that it was in, like, police shootouts. It was some insane percentage.

Like, it was something like... I think it was 150%. No. It was like a 70% miss rate. And it's like, and I remember thinking, like, to your point, it's like. It's like, that's not bad on, like, Call of Duty. Right. But if you're, right.

But if you have a license to kill with impunity, and you, apparently, you're, like, supposed to keep up with your shooting as a cop. Now, I don't know what, who's enforcing that, but like, I remember reading that stat and being like, Oh man, like even if you go to the range all the time,

unless you're like shooting buckshot at somebody in the heat of the moment, I feel like, you know, like you said, it's like some guy kicks your door. And if you have time to get to the heater, you know, I like the idea of just a guy, let the chopper sing in his own house like an ak just like that's his self-defense weapon just that's a move yeah like she's just taking out

everything yeah in like a your apartment complex you you kill 45 people yeah and it turns out it was just the door dash guy yeah yeah i remember uh my my uncle told me this story and the way he told it he wanted to seem like he told it like what he did was like a tough and rational thing to do he was like yeah because he's always i think i mentioned this to you before he's one of those guys that like every 10 seconds when you hang out with him, he's like, man, I wish a motherfucker would come up in my house. I've been praying for 34 years. He's like 500, 600 pounds, stinks like shit, can barely breathe, sounds like shit, moves like shit, stinks like shit, looks like shit.

But he's always like, he's like, man, man he's like you come in my home you're gonna meet your maker buddy in store and one time he's like i was sitting in i was watching tv i was watching a movie in the living room and i see somebody it's late at night i see somebody creeping around my blinds and i keep block nine inlock 9 in my recliner, which, by the way, this recliner has holes in it. It's covered in food stains. It fucking stinks. He has had the same recliner for 30 years. It's like Al Bundy.

You just lean back, gain 600 pounds over the course of 30 years, and watch Rock of Love 10 times a month. He's like, now, I pull my Glock out and I rack one in that chamber and I'm about to let it fly through the window. But then, man knocks on the door. Now, I mean, I still don't know what's going on. But I get up, weaver grit, and I got my gun aimed at the door.

And I see through the window, this motherfucker's goddamn amazon gift get delivery driver shirt on i mean buddy let me tell you i almost killed the amazon driver now again the way he told this story he was not in the wrong the amazon driver i guess should have been wearing a big hat like like a big fucking like you know how many times a day that happens oh i'm sure like probably over a thousand. Like I know that Amazon drivers like I think like have been killed before, but usually they don't. But I imagine at least like probably over a hundred times a day.

Easy, easy. Because I mean they deliver to everybody, you know. Especially people like my uncle who, like, I mean, he just, like, the guy is so absurdly fat and retarded. And just, like, he's the quintessential, like, MAGA uncle. I mean, it's just, like, he, MAGA uncle. I mean, it's just like... One time he told me we were at his house and Quan LX was being interviewed on Fox. You know who Quan LX is? He's like...

Of course I do. Sure. Yeah, I grew up with that guy. Yeah, you grew up with him. Of course. We used to breakdance together. African American gentleman. I think he's with Nation of Islam.

One of them guys. Is he like a Farrakhan type guy? No, he's like, I mean, kind of. He's like Farrakhan Light with some stuff, but he's just like a, he's like an activist guy in Houston.

He's like a, you know, black nationalist, whatever. Oh, sick. We're watching him on the TV and he turns to me. He knows my politics. But I think that's why he does shit like this. He was like, I'll tell you,

I'm all Fuqua. I'm going to a range down there. I see this motherfucker out walking around like he owns a place, talking about a street corner. And he was like, man, I was in Dooley. I fucking thought about it, just gunning it and fucking killing his ass.

Dead. And I was like, Stephen, are you trying to tell me that you considered killing a black man with your truck? And he's like, mean yeah and i was like hey uh that's not cool you know whatever and he's like well he comes on he just talks all this trash he's like and then literally dude hand the fucking god same conversation same breath he goes he says all this says all this stuff about racism. When do you actually see racism? And I was like, you just told me.

You just told me that you saw a black man in the street, which probably, let's be honest, wasn't even Quan LX. The guy has, like, he's a public figure in Houston. He's not walking around a shitty part of town in Fuquay in a fucking business suit. I don't think he might have been, but it was probably just a bald, fat, black dude. Let's just, you know, my uncle's fucking racist. He was going to kill CeeLo Green because he's the only guy who's on TV. I see this guy, he's all painted gold,

and he's at the Grammy Awards, and I'm there, and I see him, and I just think about throwing a bottle of champagne at him. Yeah. I just think about how easy it'd be to just fucking throw my sandwich from 7-Eleven right at his fucking head. Yeah, and he's like,

I was like, you just said you were going to run him over with your truck. He's like, I ain't got nothing to do with the color of his skin. I just don't like him. And I was like, just one of those things, again, like we've talked about it before. Someone that you're talking to who you shouldn't be talking to. Like you just, they say something so fucking stupid that you just kind of like you got to breathe through your nose like you would right before a big lift you like oh bro you know you're just like yeah what am i doing here man like what the fuck you're like

and again it was at a family thing so So this happened at, like, Thanksgiving, by the way. My mom's in the corner like, I don't know why y'all do this. You a ham or a turkey guy? Man. Look, it's got to be. It can't be no fucking, like, salt cured fuck. It's got to be a honey baked ham. Because I've had some ham, like, that's just, like, you know, like, salt cured and,'s got to be a honey baked ham because i've had some ham like

it's just like you know like salt cured and like cold or whatever like no you gotta fucking toss that motherfucker in the oven for like hours and hours till it's falling off the ham bone like it's got to be honey baked with the brown sugar it's got to be that it can't be the fucking like super salty fucked up shit when it comes to turkey man some people disagree with me on this i'm a white meat guy uh i know dark meat is supposedly more flavorful i like the white meat all right so i'm with you on the ham here's here's why i like him all right in the thanksgiving context because i'm not a ham sandwich guy if i'm having a ham sandwich guy, if I'm having a ham sandwich that's not like honey baked or whatever, then I like to have other meats on it.

Right. Like you get some salami and all that. Right. A Thanksgiving ham with the skin still on it and all that. Right. I like the combination with all the sides, like the green bean casserole. Oh, fuck the game up with it, dude. Yes, sir.

You dip the ham in that a little bit. Mm-hmm. Hey, with the yams a little bit, get a little freaky with it. There we go. Let's go. Hey, even a little bit of the, I like the, if it's turkey, I like to dip it in the cranberry sauce a little bit. Mm-hmm.

Fork. Mm-hmm. Whipping it. You know how it is? I like to get a little bit of the turkey stuffing with the ham. Okay. Like, mix and match a little bit. Do y'all do stuffing in the turkey?

We've. Because we've always. We make it separately. Yeah. It's like in a pan. Yeah, yeah. Where it's kind of like deep, but it's like the whole separately. Yeah. It's like in a pan. Yeah, yeah. Where it's kind of like deep, but it's like the whole pan.

Right. But I like it that way because you get a crust on top of the stuffing that's just... Now, game changer. Garlic mashed potatoes, dip the ham. Because we always have a big pot of mashed potatoes.

So I don't think I've tried that one. It's not bad. I'll keep that in mind. Hey, holidays are up around the corner. They are. And you know what you need during the holidays? Money. You need to start looking at gifts. that one but i'll keep that i'll keep that in mind hey holidays are up around the corner they are and you know what you need during the holidays you can start looking at gifts you look and uh what's a better gift for your loved ones than a ridge wallet if you've got listen if you've got credit cards cash debit cards birthday cards um whatever the fuck kind of card you're going to want to get

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that rose gold one is sick dude uh i really want to get that one it'd be very funny if i enter it they have my ip address and my laptop just blue screens yeah yeah you know what you know i i think i've mentioned on the pod before but i'm obsessed with rfid blocking technology i am too and i love that it protects you from digital pickpocketers because those are just that happens you know it happens and check it out you know if you're like a hiker or an operator or a crane operator or a foreman or a super wrestler or a crane this comes with a lifetime warranty so if you drop it in the fucking port-a-john whenever you're dropping the babies into their homes through the crane. Right. Correct. Comes with a lifetime fucking warranty.

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but anyway you're gonna want to one more time on these codes it's ridge.com slash pendejo or use coupon code p-e-n-d-e-j-o at checkout brought to you by ridge wallet um anyway so i'm fuck i'm thinking so my mom's going to she's going to louisiana for thanksgiving uh to fuck the game up on penny slots i do believe uh but uh respect yeah she's taking my little brother she tried to get me to go with her but dude i fucking hate gambling because it combines all of my like least like my worst character traits which is chain smoking binge drinking and instant gratification those three things have been like the bane of my existence since i was like fucking 13 years old so every time i go to a casino i sit at the bar i put 20 into the video poker machine and i just

drink for like 10 hours my mom's like like, are you up or are you down? And I'm like, I've spent like $10. Because all I got to do at this video poker to get free alcohol is click bet every 10, 15 minutes. And she'll be like, I won 300 bucks. And I'm like, that's cool. My addictions are to this pack of cigarettes and to this fucking Heineken and hitting this button. Like I'm not really a gambler.

I don't like, I've lost money gambling and I, I, the, the thing my brain immediately goes to is man, I could have gotten so, I don't even do drugs anymore, but it's like,

I could have gotten so high with all this money. Like, it's always been that way. Like, do you know how much fucking pills I could have bought for $500 or how much blow like i haven't done any of that shit in a while but it's like i have this like it's just where my brain goes it doesn't go to it doesn't go to instruments it doesn't go to like cars all the stuff that i genuinely like and want to spend money on tattoos it's i'll like i'll lose 500 in a game of hold'em at a casino and i'm

like dude i could have fucking partied for like three weeks and then my then i'm like mad at myself it's like why your brain go there and i'm like oh yeah i have like i have a coward's mindset you know i need to i need to get more on the path of the alpha yeah where i'll lose you know i'll lose some money i'll be like man i man, I could have bought, like, 20 Jordan Peterson books. Yeah. How many books does he have? I love Jordan Peterson, man. How many books does he have?

Like, three? It's like the first one was, like, maps of – there was the one that made him all that money was where he, like, repackaged, like, self-help books for like guys who like uh when they play fight with their girlfriends they like choked them a little too hard like that's basically his like key demographic is guys who are like they take like two jiu-jitsu classes at a strip mall school and they're like teaching rear naked chokes to girls at the bar or whatever um like it's it's that 12 rules of life oh Oh dude. The last gym I was at coach, this guy from Brazil,

he was like, he's a, he was a big time Christian, big Christian guy. And he was like, he would sit us down and always give us like, you know, he would read scripture or whatever after every class. But there was one time where he was like, I've been reading this book and it has been changing my life. And we're all like, I thought it was like, you know, some like, you know, heaven is real type shit. You know, one of those like, you know, and he's like, I read it every day when I wake up. I read it every day and I can't recommend it enough for my students. And we're like, what is it? He's like, it's called 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson.

And I was like, I love that. Like a guy who is like, he knows the Bible front and back like any guy who went to seminary and is just very, very like a very knowledgeable Christian about like his religion and scripture and all that stuff. But I just love like, you've read the Bible front and back so many times in the book that changes your life is basically like clean your room. But for guys with like anger management problems, you know, like that's what that book is. Also being like way more disciplined already than the guy who wrote a book on discipline. Yes, correct.

Yeah. Like, you come from a part of the world that has not had, like, a stable government. Like, he didn't live, like, he didn't come from, like, a major city. He lived in, like, right outside, like, a wooded area and, you know, is very poor and then comes to the States, fights in mixed martial arts, opens his own gym, starts his own business. But I understand, like, if you read any excerpts from that guy's books, his level of convincing you is entirely contingent upon how much ambiguity he can sell. So it's like, you know, he'll be like, I'm paraphrasing making shit up, but it's shit that's in the vein. It's like, you know, a warrior's mindset and the path of a man is to be a monster with, but he has his anger caged like a lion, but he knows when the lion is hungry. And guys who, guys who do like, who do like 500 pushups a day and kick a bag six hours a day are like uh-huh

that's me like it's not it's it's like it's it's it's for those guys it's for guys who've like want to do combat sports but just can't like either they're just skin like they're just fat and not even strong fat or they're just huge pussies but it's again it's like like i know combat sports guys like rogan loves this shit and everybody like all the rogan knights like they they love it but it really is like you'll see interviews where like it'll be like jordan peterson you know um drops a truth bomb and he's like well you know something that we fail to consider is is that what's important for a man is important to be scary but to be controlled and i'm like dude i i could shatter your shit with like a bet like i i would i i'm not even trying to be a tough guy you are not like you can't write i mean like i like dude it's been working so maybe i'm wrong

he doesn't even look like impressive for a philosophy guy. No, not at all. That would be really easy to do. You could just be like 5'9", 180 and be like a big philosophy guy. Have like a 170 bench. Just like have hair that's all in one place. Yes, correct. And also have a voice that doesn't sound like you're about to start crying.

And also like eyes that are crying. Yeah, yeah. Like you're crying. I don't know. He's like if, I don't know, he has like the same, it's like if Bruce Lee like had english as his first language or something well he does like he it's it's like that he's he has google translate in his head and there's a cool phrase let's say in like cantonese that if if you could understand the

cantonese version that would be a hard-ass sentence but it translates to english in his head and he's like the fish goes swimmy swim and up the stream to catch more water and then guys you know often in nature you will find that a bear has the same strength as a setting sun and what does the sun do it doesn't let the bear um you know it comes back and then guys who did like a cycle of trend one summer in 2016 are like dude i don't know what you just said but i'm rock hard like i am i'm ready for this i love this stuff sometimes the strongest men are also the weakest ones and the true strongest men are the ones who can't hold a job down or keep a girlfriend or get anywhere in life. Women are like a Rubik's Cube. Men are like a bottle of hot sauce.

And you have to understand how to solve the Rubik's Cube and your woman has to know how hot the sauce is. You know, a teenage girl is like a puzzle. Just waiting to be solved i mean some some guy who like his idea of success is like getting an auntie ann's like franchise store at the airport yeah he like manages and owns he's like wow like someday i'm gonna like dig a pond in my backyard i'm gonna put three catfish in it that

are sick i'm gonna i'm gonna rebuild a motorcycle and drive it to my ex-wife's house yeah yeah and i'm gonna do something bad there there um his like well what what's fucked up is i think like i don't think fame was good to that guy like i i really yeah yeah i don't think it was good because i like for obvious reasons but also like dude that is just like a lot of like that's just a lot of philosophy or psychology ph like like phds like that's just that's just a lot of them like they're not necessarily like libertarians or right-wingers they they are a lot of the time but a lot of them by nature of getting that degree if they don't get humbled by someone smarter than them once a month, they do enter this, like, doing axioms and fucking turns of phrase and, like, you know, Hakuna Matata shit. And then a bunch of, like, 19-year-old kids figure out who you are,

and then that's exacerbated to the 10th degree. And then your daughter absconds. i hate it when my daughter absconds yeah with a with a with a foreigner and then she sends you to a fucking benzo hospital in russia like not just a foreigner by the way but like a like a sex trafficking tycoon yeah isn't he like a saudi saudi royal he has like he has the bad guy from taken or something he has like Like a sex trafficking tycoon. Yeah, isn't he like a Saudi royalty? He has like... The bad guy from Taken or something? He has like OnlyFans warehouses.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude. And like, it's just like... That's such a... Like a recent form of evil. Yeah, it's very, very... It's such a modernized way to just...

Like webcam brothels like webcam like sweatshops yeah there's a another guy he's like a pickup artist like um like former championship kickboxer i forget his name but um he sells one thousand dollar video seminars called war room talk uh where he like smokes a cigar with like other millionaires who sell children and he's like the secret to getting money and pussy is to doing a backflip off the diving board really cool as the sun sets and to have six-pack abs uh and just be a piece of shit your whole life anyway the reason i bring him up is is that i was doing some digging on this guy and i was like well because he posted videos from inside a bugatti and he's like you want to get the girl you gotta fucking hit the

gym you gotta fucking be a fucking animal dude and you and when she asked how your day was you beat the dog shit like like just one of those guys who's like women are fucking creatures all right and they are so they are subject to the power of a masculine he's like dude he could probably definitely whoop my ass but he's just like he's just a fucking anyway he lives in romania now and what he does in romania is he runs the way he makes all of his untold millions is he runs like 10 of those things and romania doesn't necessarily have like a regulated like sex work economy so there's like you know unconfirmed rumors that the guy's basically just a pimp doesn't dracula live there that is true that is true he does live that's where his castle is in transylvania to be

exact you have to wonder what he's up to nowadays you know i feel like uh dracula fell off oh you can fly yeah it can't well he can technically yeah i mean i guess yeah he just turns to he turns into a bat oh so if you turned into a bat and you started flying, I wouldn't say... Well, Jake can't fly. Well, I'm saying he doesn't fly like Superman flies. No, but nobody flies like Superman flies. Except for Superman. Green Lantern?

He flies with the ring thing. He uses the ring. Shazam? I don't remember who that is. Anyway, this is stupid. So you got me there. He probably flies like Superman. I forgot there were other superheroes for a minute.

So I'll just end the argument with that. In that I probably lose because i forgot that there were superheroes other than superman so yeah another l in the books for old thomas yeah thomas another staggering defeat for me yeah you know life life gets hard going home Going home with my tail between my legs. Mm-hmm. And something else, too. Mm-hmm. My pride. Yeah. Well. Man, how was your weekend?

I'm going to do this every week. Dude, I hung out with this guy. I don't know if you know him. I won't say his name, but. Oh, I hung out with this guy. I don't know if you know him. I won't say his name. Oh, we hung out this weekend. Yeah. I was thinking that was last weekend. No.

Dude, this morning I woke up and I was fully prepared to have the best Thursday of my life. And then I started taking the trash cans up the driveway, right? And I'm like, hmm, I do this on Wednesday. Yeah. Yeah. And then I, look, what do you know? I had three days left to work. The week's been dragging by as well for me.

Because you miss me so much. I do, man. I think about you a lot. I do, man. I think about you a lot. I, you know, as the year finds down, I can't help but think of all the cherished memories I have with my friend Thomas. Jesus Christ. You know, we're coming up on our anniversary, man. Yeah, the big one

uh i i i do think we are we have almost done like total like 100 episodes and i'm like god damn and what have we talked about like three things clubo we've talked about clifford the big red dog i like how you remember that's the one thing you remember me saying, and I don't have any memory of that. Well, because it was like, it's one of my favorite episodes because you, I think you were like asleep for like the last 45 minutes. I was asleep, but I was also, I was forcing myself to not awake, but I could not for the life of me tell you one thing that you said to me. I mean, I didn't pick up on any of it. Yeah.

Yeah. And I told you about dinky. I told you about Cluebo Clippard Clippard. I'd have no memory of Clippard, but I think I said that I'll tell you. Have you seen Roscoe lately? I have not. How's he doing?

He's really bad. He's in bad shape. Yeah? Is he hurting, man? No. Oh, okay. See, you can just do that for like— Yeah, I don't know. How long do you want to do this for?

Five years? Well, I mean, here's the thing, man. I've thought about this before. If the podcast were to plateau indefinitely at the money that we make now, we can't stop doing it. It's a free $1,000 a month. But it's very, very funny to me to imagine that it's like me and you locked in at $1,000 a month at like 52 years old.

And by then that's like $200. Yeah, exactly. Yeah i adjusted for inflation we're like i'm like uh yeah man you know uh got my prostate exam and you're like you've been doing that a long time yeah yeah did he use his i got mine i think i still have mine oh you still have your scores no my prostate oh yeah me too yeah you ever you ever a doctor ever ever give you the old knuckle shuffle for any medical reasons not for medical reasons okay yeah no the only weird thing um was having to get physicals where they just grab them. I thought I had ass cancer some years back, but I was lifting really heavy at this point. It was just classic hemorrhoids.

Anyway, my primary care physician at the time was this Baylor med school, but back in the day, good old boy, dude. Big beer gut, kind of like a kind of laugh and uh i was like yeah i'm having some problems man it's fucking scaring the shit out of me and uh he's like i've been to a gastroenterologist and i was like yeah yeah uh you know they were they're recommending uh you know i went there first she's recommending i see you i went there in a panic. And if something is up, your recommendation, we can do like a colonoscopy or whatever.

And I swear on the life of my mother, my brother, and everybody, he says to me, well, turn around. Let's get a look at that rear end. That's me. rear end that's it that's what he said to me before he put a glove on and lubed his finger up and stuck his finger in my ass and uh he's like everything looks good back here and i was like man i need you to like whatever you're doing you need to hurry the fuck up like i i don't want you to hang out back there to get a second opinion you know he's like smoking a cigarette yeah he's like he's like honestly man like i kind of slid in there easy that's like you know he's like uh you want to

have a beer after i mean we can you know anyway he was like he he was dude he was super chill like when i lost health insurance obviously i couldn't see him anymore it was too expensive, he was, dude, he was super chill. Like when I lost health insurance, obviously I couldn't see him anymore because it was too expensive. But he was like my doctor in Austin for a little while. He was like very thorough, very cool, very funny. But the jokes, for me, the jokes start and stop at like me getting fingered for medical purposes. Like that's when you need to like cut out the good old boy bit and bring up the like well today we're gonna have to like i like if we're gonna do that let's cut out the like right have you seen grand torino i love that movie we don't need to be doing that while you're

fucking around in my buttholes out like that's not like he like and then afterwards you know he's like i just think he's like you lift weights weights, you drink. And I'm like, yeah, I do both pretty often. He's like, it's hemorrhoids, man. He's like, you just go, you know, they'll fuck with you and then they'll go away. You know, they'll get irritated and stuff. Sometimes you need surgery, but I don't think you need surgery. Sometimes it makes them worse. And I was like, thank you.

Moving forward, if you have to do this to me again let's just not talk like while you're you know fucking around you know let's just keep it professional don't call don't say rear end don't say lube don't say like let's see that hiney. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think I'll take a look at your buttocks now. Your hindquarters. Dutch! I need you to bend over for me. Show me your butt.

I need you to, hey, when's the last time you shared you get clean back there because i don't really like you know i've been in this industry a long time anyway it was very funny uh now what was not that wasn't really i mean it was funny because it was absurd i had to have a lady doctor do it once uh that was that was weirder well i've had physicals from lady doctors and it's just like i know that i should like like i yeah i should separate myself it's a purely medical procedure it's just like it's weird and i was also like much younger i've had a physical in a long time it's been it's been i've been to the doctor i don't have health insurance but i always get like it's always like like, eh, I don't like these. I remember when I played, I think it was for baseball.

I had to get a physical. It was like Pony League or something. Yeah. Yeah. And I also was having like some pain in my groin. I think I like tore something in practice. And I also was having, like, some pain in my groin. I think I, like, tore something in practice.

And, like, when you're, like, 12, and, like, the first time that somebody outside of you, like, sees your nutsack for, like, you're, like, it's just very, you're, like, ah, at least I was, I was like, there was, I was like, Oh, I was like, cause I had heard about it. I just put my, my hands behind my head and I just closed my eyes and just go, ah, yeah. Yeah. Telling a doctor.

Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's good. That's good. It is just, you know, it's like the Indian dude at the urgent care. He's like, Oh, okay. Okay. I think it looks good.

I do like the idea of like, well, no, I think it was. Was it Peyton Manning? Peyton Manning, like apparently during a routine exam, like a physical, he, like, put his nuts on the nurse's head. Like, he was sitting, and she was down there, like, doing her thing, and he, like, stood up and, like, just placed him on her forehead. And then, like, the university, like, this was Peyton Manning in college. Everybody knew he was going to go off and, like, be a phenom. phenom so the university apparently like did a lot of work to cover it up and you know like

it wasn't you know she like it wrote about it in some article or some book and then when everybody was getting you know like around the start of the trump era when shit was just fucking hot for every celebrity and athlete and this shit was like the weinstein louis ck. It like resurfaced. I had never heard this story. And my roommate at the time is like, he's like a football guy. He knows all the lore. And was watching some like thing on YouTube about it. And I, I'm sorry. It's very bad what happened.

I thought, I don't know anything about football or football players. I thought Peyton Manning was like a church on Sunday, one Miller light per week type of guy. And maybe he is now, I don't know anything about football or who plays it. I don't know Dick. And then to hear that, I was like, what? And I'm laughing, not good that I laughed. Maybe it's bad, whatever. And, uh, my friend Cameron is like, have you never heard this story? And I was like, and I'm laughing. Not good that I laughed. Maybe it's bad. Whatever. And my friend Cameron is like, have you never heard this story? And I was like, dude,

I thought Peyton Manning was like, you know, he like gives all of his money. I thought he was like Tim Tebow or whatever. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, like literally like a guy who like first pair of tits he saw was like junior year of college. You know, one of those types of guys.

Which there's nothing wrong with that nothing wrong with that at all i just in a religious way not in like a virgin way uh and i and cameron my friend was like no this guy is like a doll like he's you know and he was like this is only just like one of a bunch like the guy was it's like johnny manziel if he didn't like fuck his whole life up or whatever i was was like, dude, that's sick. Like I love that. I don't love that he did that. But it is like funny that there are like when you become such a like a major athlete, there are PR teams dedicated to you.

Like people make six figures a year tweaking every aspect of your life. Like to where nobody will ever know that you put your nuts on an on a school nurse's fucking head like allegedly you know yeah we know peyton manning definitely listens to this podcast so uh no offense man but you're not welcome on yeah i said it yeah you know you can never come on. Yeah. I said it. Yeah, you know, we're taking a hard stance. You can never come on the show. That's a promise. Peyton Manning will never come on this show. I think it's time that we stuck it to the mayo-ass white dudes.

Just mediocre men. We quit. Yeah. No, I'm not mediocre. I'm... We... I... I... quit. I quit. I...