Pendejo Time - Candy Owens
Episode Date: August 28, 2025I think trump is yummy sub to the show Get hims get tickets sub to the YouTube ...
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information. What are you saying about Ocho? Oh, I was saying I was enjoying the idea
of Shannon Sharp seeing a candied apple for the first time.
Uh-huh. Tell me that ain't food, Ocho.
Oh, okay.
He doesn't know what it is.
He's walking up.
He's at a, you know, say a boardwalk,
a carnival action.
He sees a candied apple spitting in the window.
And he can't figure out if it's candy or fruit.
And it brings him a lot of joy.
Oh, nice.
Tell me, that ain't a type of food, oh, chow.
I see what you mean.
How gets so shiny?
When he, when his out, when his gations came out, as J.T. says,
J.T. will text me.
He's like, hey, man, another guy we like has gations.
and I'll go with the first time he used that word I was like gaitians he was like yeah bro the gaitians
and I was like what and he was like oh you know out like he raped somebody I was like don't call
them you can't make a cool word JT's a very cool guy he's probably one the coolest guys I know I do mean
that he's my friend he's had a cool life but I was like we were hanging out like right before
record I was like hey man you can't make a cool short version of something like alligator
it just does yo you know MJ yeah Michael Jackson yeah he's got
crazy gations you know what i mean they're just kind of out of this out of this world anyway he was
talking he was like uh you know shannon sharps got gations and once i cleared the air about the
allegation thing i was like that's a scary guy that he's a big dude but his energy is i wouldn't
want to be molested by literally anybody obviously but him he didn't molest anybody he just
had like a girlfriend who was like too young for him but she wasn't underage but he wasn't underage but
right oh I thought it was some other shit that was not awesome
I mean I don't think he did awesome stuff but I don't think he was a pedophile
let's think it was like he was like controlling and stuff and like and all that but I
don't think it was like and sexually a weird an admittedly very weird guy sexually
but I don't think the allegations were sexual assault and violent abuse
allegedly.
Right, but didn't say anything underage.
I was saying there's a difference, you know.
No, there is.
There is.
And I just met molested, like, regardless of who the person is.
If you get molested, you have to be a kid.
No, you can get molested as an adult.
If you get molested, I've talked about this before, if you get molested as an adult, that's on you.
You can't get molested as an adult.
You just get up.
And a lot of people are going to like here.
Start throwing amateurs.
enjoy what I just said.
Boy, you just get it.
I get it.
You could get raped as an adult.
You can get old-fashioned raped.
That happens, I would say, quite a bit.
And quite a clip that seems to happen to people a lot.
But unless, I mean, it's like, you know, if a guy has candy or something.
Yeah.
I guess you could molest somebody with a mental disability.
For sure.
Yes. Also, like, I remember I was working the door at my old bar.
Like, that was a long-ass time ago, like seven years ago.
And this dude walked up, and he just got a handful of my dick and nuts, dude.
Look me right in my fucking eye.
Just a handful of my shit.
And I fucking slapped the fuck out of him.
And then he got all defensive.
And this doesn't matter, but he was a gay guy.
And he was like, oh, my God.
like being weird about it but I he was drunk as fuck but I was like hey man you can't be doing that
and I fucking slapped his shit out of him and then he got mad at me he was like I can't believe
oh my god and I was like I think that's molested you know what I mean like I responded in
kind but I was still molested you know what I'm saying like yeah I was anyway yeah I mean
I think we can all agree that was you know listening that we can agree that was Jake's fault
I'm saying is, like, I agree with you that as a grown man, you know, maybe you can put
a stop to it, but what I'm saying is you can still be, you could put a stop to it, but you're
putting a stop to the molesting, which kids love groping each other and they do.
They do. They do. And all of them do it. And, um, there are a lot of thieves. I would
say they're thieves. I would say, bandits. Bandits. They're, they're dick. Highwaymen. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Ass bandits. That was a great. They'll be, you'll be, you'll be.
just, you know, just trying to, try and grab your asshole.
Like, they'll find a way to...
Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they'll grab your rectum somehow.
Yeah, he went...
He went under the whole sack and got the top of the penis.
And I was like, hey, boom!
I just smacked the fuck out of him.
And then I were like...
Dude, it was such a weird thing.
Because I was fully, like, 24, 25 years old.
And I think it was just like, he was very, very, very...
very, very fucked up with like a group of other
fucked up gay guys. I think it
was just in his mind, he was like, I'm gonna go,
you know what I mean? Like, I don't know, fucking. And then
I, but I did have kind of
the child's like,
I had a child's moment
where I went, I went in
where you get molested by a gay guy.
Yes, yeah, yeah, no, I had, no, I went
and told my boss who literally, Thomas, is just my friend
Nikki, shout out Nikki Low Life, the fan of the show.
He's just the boss of the bar
who got me the job. And I was like,
Hey, Nikki, just in case he comes back
With like a cop or something
Like
I was just out there smoking a cigarette on break
And this gay guy grabbed a handful of my nuts
And my pecker
And I fucking smacked him upside
They had as hard as I could
I mean, I fucking stuck his ass
And then he got really upset that I hit him
And I think maybe he might go tell somebody
And Nicky's like a lifelong bartender
Just that he was like
What the fuck are you telling me?
It was like, hey,
Hey man, if you've got to go knock that guy out and call the police,
I literally don't care.
I have to make like 18 fucking rumming coax for these fucking coked up college kids.
But yeah, it was like, that's that.
I think what I'm saying is you can, you know,
the difference is now that when you're a big guy,
you get molested, you could just knock guys out.
You can just start throwing bombs.
That's my thing.
If you're a guy and you're anywhere and anybody to,
anybody touches your no-no zone when you're a kid,
you got to go tell an adult.
If you're fucking 30, you start throwing fucking overhand rice in anybody.
You know what if it's a small gray alien?
You start fucking the hell out of it.
You're strapped down.
You wake up with space straps on your arms and your legs.
Okay.
Your donger is out.
Uh-huh.
And my stact to antennae on it.
Fuck.
And you say, what?
Does that sell mine?
It's, parenthesis, it's still yours.
Uh, okay.
And Swegelo, the gray alien.
is he has a gray pussy in the inside of it's green and it's going crazy on your space chode
okay and uh you're coming inside of him okay and uh and you you're okay with it so i get abducted
i get strapped down with space straps and then a gray alien with a green vagina rides my penis
until i have an orgasm is that what's that yeah you have an orgasm okay cool i mean i guess
Like if it's a space guy
I guess I can't really complain
I mean I have no fucking I can't be help
I can't start fighting the alien
He has like intergalactic
But the only thing you do is you could use
Your pelvic floor muscles
To try and kill him with your cock
Okay
He is small
Sort of swung it upwards
And tried to rip up in his stomach with it
Yeah they are small
The aliens are small
I think I would have a hard time
With the size of the alien
I'm not gonna lie
It just doesn't feel
No, their normal size aliens are like
18, 20 inches tall
Yeah, they're normal size sexual partners
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You know how your normal sexual partners
Like 22 inches tall, maybe 30
Um
Dude, whenever I
A guy online and nobody knows that he's 20 inches tall
Just been an awesome girl
Really my type 20 inches tall
No, nobody else knows
No, I'm 20 inches tall
They're cooking him in the group chat
And he has got to be like, guys, I'm 22 inches tall
I'm sorry, I'm a boy, I'm a little guy
I'm a man, but I'm a little
I'm wearing a tiny suit
I'm a lady wearing a tiny dress
Dude, whenever I see
There's one account
That I've seen on Twitter
People like post the clips over whatever
of the blonde little person lady
and she has an adult
boyfriend who doesn't have that syndrome
and she sometimes
because they have an only fan's apparently
she will dress
like you know
just not like an adult
you know what I mean
and it's just the only thing that sucks
it's the only thing.
Otherwise there's no big deal of one person
is bullfism and the other doesn't.
It's just pretty much any situation
where a grown-up is dressing like a baby.
Out, done.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And it's not even like,
it's not up for debate at all.
Yeah, no, you're done.
It's over.
Like, even the picture of DeBaby
where he was wearing the old diaper.
Remember that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
used to wear a diaper for his he would have a big gold chain and a diaper it's like no wonder
he wasn't famous he had to stop wearing a fucking diaper yeah also it's so funny that he used to
do that and when he was doing that he had like he'd caught like two or three bodies he had killed
like three guys i think and uh and around the time he was wearing the diaper as part of the
gimmick he was like shooting people which is hilarious very funny um nobody ever really
pressed him about it like crazy but also you know he killed people pretty yeah and got off like
all three times i remember
I've done more embarrassing stuff than that.
I've never killed anybody.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I've definitely done stuff I don't want to talk about.
I'm not very good with money either, and my knees are injured and I'm sick and inflamed.
But I'm taller than the baby.
Ah, me too.
Yeah, yeah.
He's, I think, 18 inches tall.
Yeah, I would say somewhere around there, maybe 19 on a good day, with a good pair of booties on, maybe.
Is this 19-inch rapper
Knicks out of Atlanta?
Y'all vibing with the diminutive man?
Are y'all hanging with little fetus?
A little tiny guy just dropped.
Leave it or keep it?
Yo, uh,
you know, a little fetus and a little tiny guy just linked up.
Y'all fucking with this collab?
Y'all fucking with the collab between little fetus and baby.
Yo, yo, yo, little fetus just popped out into a new fucking Chromehaws.
And he's got a badass bitch by his fucking side.
Adam 22 after he gets hit by a car.
Yo, little fitness just popped out with fucking the tiny gay gray guy.
Who's fucking with his collab?
Should we get him some lean?
Yo, a little tiny gray guy just fucked this shit out of my fucking stupid Play-Doh wife.
We filmed it, too.
It's all over the fucking internet.
Oh, boy.
my wife the first bimbo lady to not even be hot in like a in a trashy way
perverse way like not even a white trash way yeah yeah just busted she's like just come
like just a stupid come lady my stupid come wife my stupid load wife of my wife
and there's nothing against ladies who you know into that stuff or whatever she's like
this specific lady it's like she has evil coming her it's like if she took a bunch
loads from Hitler and it
like turned her vagina corrupt and
turn her into like an old black lady
somehow
she's like
she's like Dominican from
being a whore
oh man
I uh
that's
she's like if a gay guy tried to
draw like a sexy lady
just like huge
but hole or whatever like huge
like fucking stupid body like a fucking cello
she does look like if you asked like a 10 or 11 year old boy
to draw a hot lady like her proportions or whatever
but I feel wrong talking about the lady in that way
she does suck she's not nice
and I think
I do believe if you have sex with Adam 22
more than two times you take on some of his corrosive
energies
I think it's okay to make fun of her
and be awful and cruel
maybe you're right
maybe you're correct
I think
I think it's fine for me to do
I agree with you
I don't do yeah it's fine
I agree
and
oh my God
I just heard she died
she pooped
and it was all over the toilet
and I killed her
oh poor guy
poor baby
Adam's 22 I really do
wish the worst for that guy
it's
but it is nice to see
that he faded
into mostly obscurity.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, I like him and Vlad,
I love the conspiracy theories
that they're like feds.
Because it's like, I don't think it's true.
I think a lot of rappers, you know,
rap stitches telling all their business.
You know, I think they tell on themselves,
you know, own star witness, however it goes.
But like, it is kind of crazy
how like one of those guys would go on Vlad
and then like two weeks later,
either they're dead or they're in prison
for the rest of their lives.
And then on the,
episode it airs it was just like in a shiasty but their name is in the lower thirds and they're like
yeah yeah i put 10 in his chest i think this was like 2010 but he was acting a damn full so i had to
let him know what time it was and you know adam 22's like dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope
dope yeah dope i love one of my the one of the funniest videos of all time to me is when
uh i think no it's not shannon sharp it's the other football guy with the
funny hat that interviews
celebrities
uh james winston
maybe he has interviewed charleston white
and he starts doing
oh no that's um what's his name cam newton
cam newton yeah he was interviewing charleston white
and he was like you know all right we're going to do some name
association he goes jada pink and smith and charleston white goes
funky bitch fucked up
fucking hoe and then he goes come on man
he goes all right give me a new one he goes
Adam 22 and then he gets real
somber Charleston does it he goes
massive slave master yeah he a driver he a slave driver yeah he got them boys dancing
i was like i was watching i was crying laughing the first of i was like i don't think i could laugh at
this but this is so goddamn funny because like all the other ones were funny like he was laughing
he just gets real serious they driver yeah he yeah he owned him boys yeah he tell he's the one
getting him out all into trouble yeah he the master yeah i was like
like dude stop i can't i can't this is not you should not be this funny to me oh man he's so god
he's one of the funny just never really laughed at that stuff before of course yeah yeah yeah
you know i i this we don't even i can you can we don't have to get too much into it but
one of the funniest fucking things that ever happened two of us together that i really can't
ever tell anybody is when we were listening to tyler's in the car yeah i guess i don't really
remember what you're talking about.
Yeah, I can't really remember what...
That one, it will never, ever be on anything,
and that's just for me and time.
I'm forever and all ways.
He doesn't even remember.
That's how fucking...
I don't actually know.
Oh.
I don't actually remember.
That's okay.
I don't think I've heard a song before.
I never heard music, I never really been a big music head
To be honest
Yeah
I haven't been listening to music very much
I've been listening to the radio
I haven't really been listening to much
Spotify
I have been also listening to the radio
Which is because the Bluetooth and
OX have not been working
So I was listening to Pop today
I was hanging out in New York City today
And I was listening to Pop
What a fucking golden feeling
And I was cleaning up a bunch of human shit
There were a bunch of big bags
of dried up shit
and I accidentally
ripped one open and it wasn't full of
regular shit, it was full of diarrhea.
How was
that?
Did the pot make it better?
It made it a lot better
and I felt really good.
They were easily, and I found
a fresh poop too.
Beautiful. On a tree with a bunch of used
wipes
that were blowing around everywhere and I was trying to get
all the wipes.
Yeah.
You felt good.
haven't been, I mean, I guess you posted
about it on Twitter. I don't want to out your job
but
yeah, that
uh, that sucks
because they have a, the people that
the same, whatever the fuck
like, uh, when the people
that, whatever, like, clean up
around here. Um,
they're all Hispanic guys.
And, uh,
I was walking my dog and Hank
took a huge, absolutely
fucked up poop. Because he's
shit's like a human being and I went and I walked like 20 yards away and this Mexican dude
that was like mowing the courthouse stopped mowing and looked at me and I was walking towards
the doggy bag area and I grabbed the doggy bag and I picked his poop up he cuts the lawnmower
out again he goes hey thank you for picking that up because a lot of fucking people man a lot of
fucking people man they let their dog shit in here and then I have to fucking clean it up so thank you
thank you for fucking doing that he was
I think that I honestly
Thomas if I had not picked up
hang shit I think he would have walked over there and beaten the
fuck out of me because he was done
like he was completely finito
with his life I think in that moment I think he was looking for
a reason to kill somebody
and I didn't give him one that day
but bro honestly
thank you for eating that
because if I don't
if people don't eat their dog
shit I
have to go over there and I have to eat it.
I know. I'm sorry,
brother. Every
day, I spend about seven hours
eating shit and about
30 minutes mowing.
They don't put any gas
in my, they don't have a blade on my mower.
It just go. I just run
over the grass. It just goes.
And it smears the shit flash, so it's like
a pancake when I eat it.
Sorry, man. Anyway,
the grass is super tall.
And my mouth is full of shit.
I mow the forest
It's my job to mow the forest
I'm mow the forest
I hate my job
I want to find a different job
where I don't have to mow it forest that's huge
I mow the entire
National Park
That is that like 25 year old
Hispanic lady who's been running
For Congress or whatever
And she just calls her
Yeah
Somebody did like a full
Like breakdown so like she was like a swimmer
and she really sucked at that
and then she graduates
college and like none of her
athlete career
literally anywhere
and people that knew her
apparently she was not like that
and then when nothing panned out
for her athletically speaking
literally like overnight
she woke up and she was like I'm going to be
this
I'm going to be like the based don't be gay
Latina don't be weak
and gay don't be a homo
don't be Muslim
Which
That one I'm like
I guess it's
You know
People can choose or not choose to be Muslim
But I think she just doesn't like Arabs
I don't think you can choose to not
I don't think you can make it
You can be like I'm not Arab if you are Arab
Anyway I think she fucking sucks
I think her mouth's too big for a goddamn head
Valentina if you're listening to this
Leave the gas on in your home
And let it blow up
Valentina
What is she named after the hot sauce
because she's such a firebrand.
Yeah, she's a little firecracker.
Yeah, I'm surprised.
It's not the...
Chalula?
Yeah.
Tabasco.
Sure.
Yeah, whatever.
Smokey Peets, whatever the fuck?
Fiery Pete.
Who gives his shit?
Oh, my God.
This is horrible news.
What have?
Guys, please in the comments and stuff,
do not say...
Do not say that you want...
her put through a combine thresher that's not okay to do threats like that
whenever you say that you want her pieced up and put through a wood chipper i want you to
understand that there's somebody that's done maintenance on woodchippers you would have to do
maintenance you'd have to have to spray it down after that that's a whole lot of work
yeah that's just something to think about for sure you should get into politics you should be like
the you know they've got all those new progressives coming up around the states you say i'm the guy
from texas and um and i'm with all these guys i'm just like all the other uh i'm a left wing
firebrand and i and i'm anti bullshit and i'm pro america and i uh and i'm here to actually
change some shit you have to curse a couple times yeah i did want to work i did want to be a politician
at one point when I was very young
when I was in and I think
you should do it man I can run your smear campaign
yeah
yeah because that'll be the you know
it's really about how you can combat
the
the onslaught of negative stuff
so I'll run negative stuff
negative ads against you
yeah and then you can overcome that
with such grace that people start liking you
yeah
I'm just going to run a big ad on all the TV
I'm going to put millions of dollars
in the spread and it's just going to say
Jake Rhodes is a pussy
And you're going to have to fire back
And maybe do ads or you say
I'm not a pussy
I've got a dick
I've got a dick
And then you show your soft dick on the TV
It's little too
And I do an ad and I say
Jake Rhodes has no asshole
And then you have to show everybody
You may be through some pants
Yeah
Maybe you press it up against some glass
Uh huh
And you have to prove
that you've got that monkey
I do have to show it
Yeah probably
I don't
I hope Zoron wins
I do think he's
Not too bad
There's some stuff that pisses me off
But hey
You know whatever
I'm gonna say it
I know this isn't
This is not a popular thing to say
I
We live in a very
Stupid
Really fucking stupid time
Maybe not the dumbest time
2005 was pretty dumb
But we live in very fucking stupid times
The video of him benching, I don't care.
But we live in like a time where like most people, young men specifically, they're like rabid dogs.
They only understand the stick and the shout.
You know what I mean?
They're just, they're fucking morons, man.
They're really stupid.
And so that video, I agree.
It doesn't matter, right?
The substance of his.
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Politics, I think, are pretty good.
I mean, none of us up here are actually registered to vote.
Correct.
You know.
Correct.
That's what I'm saying, though, is optically, I don't think it mattered.
But also, like.
matter it was like the worst thing he's done
there are people who are so stupid
that if he would have put up 225 there are
racist guys that if he would have just
repped out 225 20 times they would have been like
I'm not racist anymore
I actually think I might be communist there are people who are that
fucking stupid and
and so I was like
on the one hand though
it proves that he's not actually African
very good
very good yeah yeah i guess it does yeah it's more of like a full-blown indian or whatever
the other thing is yep 100% yeah yeah yeah um yeah poor guy whatever though i mean you know
what i mean i don't think i could be that first
of all I don't think I could be like a firebrand left wing guy precisely because
most of my life has been a series of unemployable activities and I'm not really like if
somebody was like did you do did you um you know black out off a bunch of Xanax and like
start suplexing people in your own house and I was like yeah that was me you imagine you're
a politician of any kind and if you get cheated on or something there's like an article
about it? Oh yeah
That's yeah
Like you're kind of politician
That has like no power
And they're still like
Uh huh yeah
Mayor Jake shits his pants
At the barbershop after falling asleep
Yeah yeah
I mean
That would be more likely
For me I didn't
You know
Jake which is the name I thought of
That's fine
I have shit my pants
As an adult
So it's fine
Not a big deal
A lot of guys put their pants
Not a big deal actually
Um
Most people walk around
honestly with just shit on their ass all the time.
That is very true.
Yeah, that's very, very true.
You have to actually put the shower head up a couple inches inside of it.
Yeah.
I usually go, for a safe bed, I go about six to ten inches inside my ass.
Yeah, I get on my, I do a handstand with one hand and I put the shower head in my ass.
Eden walks in.
She's like, hey, babe, we really got to get ready for dinner with the dates.
Like, our tables will be ready soon.
She pulls the curtain back
And you are like
Sprit Eagle handstand
With the entire shower head
And your ass
The water's coming out of your mouth
Yeah I'm hanging at a right angle
From right below the ceiling
Like a flagpole stretch
Or whatever the fuck
Just filling up like a water balloon
Hell yeah
Yes sir
Yes sir
Dude I was
I've been reading this
Rereading
I've had the book a really long time
I'm like going a completely 180 here
but I'm reading this book,
The Historical Figure of Jesus by E.P. Sanders.
I bought it and read it like 10 years ago,
but I'm rereading it.
And, dude, I kind of forgot.
It's a, like,
there are some, like, genuinely funny stories in the Gospels.
And I've forgotten the one where,
I think it's Matthew, it's a Matthew,
where Jesus goes to Nazareth, and he's like,
so, like, the day of the Lord is, like,
super, super, duper close.
So you guys are going to have to basically
follow me
because it's the only way that you're going to be
get to heaven you know I'm here to basically
fulfill all the laws you guys got to start following me around
like these guys behind me
and then everybody in Nazareth was like
the car you're the carpenter guy
we know you dude you're from here
you're fucking you're a Joseph son
the guy who makes wood
get the fuck out of here man nobody wants to fucking listen to you
dude brother we used to play kickball together
you're not him dog get the fuck out of here and then jesus there's like a there's a line in there where it's like
you know he's all sullen and he's like he was turned away in his own homeland and a prophet is not
without you know uh the prophet is not without rejection things like that and i don't know it made me laugh
like i don't i don't that is how it feels when you bobbing your home estate though i was
just about to say when you eat shit like when i go up in houston and i just eat fucking dick i'm like
no the prophet is meets rejection in his own fucking where he lays his head at night yeah you can
fucking just eat shit like 10 minutes from where you grew up come on guys i literally i've never
not bombed in for worth ever it feels i thought i remember you telling me it's like a tough town
like it seems like it's a tough scene yeah but it's uh i would say it's a workable you can you know
I wouldn't say it was
I wouldn't say
people never laughed there
Um
Well
I know that like
Austin's so big now
That if you are in any other scene
You should just move to Austin
Unless you're in Houston
But even then
You know
A lot of guys drive to kill Tony
From Dallas like every week
Dude when I used to sign up
I haven't done it a long time
I can't bring myself to do it
I need to.
You can, it helps.
You don't need to, man.
Motherfucker, there are people who are in the audience, or sorry, in the bar, it was
signing up.
You know that guy we went to Ben's show where I opened up?
He drove there from Ontario.
There are motherfuckers.
Don't have a place to lay their head at night.
They're at the bar signing up for Kill Tony, and they're from, like, Twin Cities.
They're from, like, Minnesota.
It's, like, snowing where they live, and it's 100 degrees here, and they're like,
I got to drive back tomorrow.
I'm like,
I don't love anything that much, brother.
I'm here because I'm 30 minutes down the road.
I don't even want to make that drive.
I'm not that dedicated.
I'm not that crazy.
Minnesota go to fucking Minneapolis.
Don't go to Austin.
Well, I think this is actually a good comedy city for whatever.
It's a good.
And Milwaukee's good too.
Pretty close, I think.
Or not.
Actually, I don't think that close at all.
But, um, hey, you're asking the wrong guy.
I was about to, I was about to be like, well, I'm like, I don't know.
I don't know at all.
Don't, not a map guy.
Yeah, I booked a tour for us.
We're going to have to do stand up and drive.
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It's going to be, one of them is going to be a pretty long drive.
I looked at a map and I said,
these three cities are pretty close to each other.
They're only two inches apart.
I think they should translate to a 20-minute drive each way.
No, one of them is pretty fucking long.
So.
Like 10 hours or?
No, not like that.
I think it's like five.
Oh, that's doable, man.
It's crazy.
We can, we're going to.
Yeah, well, this is probably have to jerk off a lot in the mornings, probably.
Yeah.
And I don't even like to think about that, but we'll probably have to jerk you,
all four jerk each other off and come in the mornings a couple times.
This is wake up, J.T.
Hey, man, it's my turn to drive to this.
day, so you're going to have to have sex with me before I drive.
You're going to have to fuck me before I get behind the wheel.
Yeah, well, I think people get so, like, I've talked about it before on here.
Like, you'll meet people there that, like, they literally didn't even get a hotel.
They, like, drove in from Chicago or whatever, or drive back.
And I'm like, but.
Yeah, this is a mania, I think.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, that's what I, yeah.
It just doesn't, I don't understand it.
It's like going to Vegas, except not cool.
yeah it's not
like your wife would prefer it if you had an affair
I think so
probably ah but not but I mean
like if I
I have a friend who works the door
at the mothership we used to train
to the same gym again
and he's like bro you got to start coming on Sundays and Mondays
I know you'd be grinding on your stand-up bro
but you got to remember you got to be signing up
you got to be doing Tony every week
you got to be at Joe's club
and I was like I think I'm good
first of all
this bubble's popping brother
it's popping
and fucking goddamn it's exploding
actually
second of all
I can't bring myself to do it man
like it's a really
it's one of the toughest things of all time
I remember like
I don't want to put his business up there actually
but a comedian that we both know
I had asked him like
you know hey what's it like
hanging out there all the time and he goes
it's fucking tough it's dog shit
it's a big big comedian
And he was like, yeah, it's really bad.
It's a tough hang.
It's not.
And, uh, and, uh, I had asked Ben about this who doesn't give a fuck at all.
And he confirmed.
He was like, yeah, it's, it's, it's awful.
But, you know, I guess, I mean, I, if, if you were going to pay me like 10 grand, I'd hang out with fucking, what's his name?
What's that guy, Jeff Dye?
He's like the bro comedian that's like, fucking girls with fucking penises.
What if we threw him in the fucking hole?
And then everybody fucking laughs.
I think he's like the, he's like the leading, like, dickhead, like, right-wing guy right now for bro, comedian, whatever the fuck.
He's got, like, the emo side swoop.
Yeah, I've seen him.
You know who I'm talking about?
Okay, cool.
Yeah, yeah, he's a character.
Amazing, like, not to Detroit.
He's an amazing comedian, and I want to be a lot like him.
You know, I want to put that up front that what people.
pains me about watching Hans Kim and Tony Hinchcliff
and these guys is knowing that I'll never be that good
that I'll never be able to make people laugh like that
I'll never understand jokes like that
I don't I think that's what makes me mad I can't understand it
it goes over my head
yeah especially with Hans Kim whenever he's
trying to piece together English
God bless him I think he's doing a great job
for somebody who got here so recently,
I don't think that, you know,
I would love him,
I would love to see him do stand up in his native tongue
and maybe we could see if that would be better.
But it's almost like a Confucius level
understanding of jokes I really appreciate.
And with Tony,
there's something really theatrical about him that I like.
There's something very childish.
Yeah, something very,
you know theater
that I really like about him
it's like he's doing a beautiful ballet dance
with his jokes
yeah I agree
oh yeah god what I'd fucking give
to be in that inner circle
drinking on fucking uh what's it called
dose
what uh
what's the um
Tom Segura
Bert Kreischer
Dos osos
poor sombris or something
Poor Osos for bears.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I would imagine, yeah, sipping on poor osos with fucking,
and I'm just doing shots off the back of Joe Rogan's head.
Yeah, hey, dude, sipping on some poor osos and hanging out with fucking Jeff Dye and fucking Big J.
And we're just fucking chopping it up.
And we're doing crazy-ass roasts and fucking you can't come in the room.
You can't even get outside the room because we're in there and we're just roasting.
roasting too good you would start crying if you were in there if you're in there with us
and we're just straight fucking cooking each other oh my god that would be amazing critical burns
like you're gay and fat fuck and then candis owens comes yeah she's just there starts blowing
everybody yeah yeah he's like ah ah ah ah ah yeah he's 69 with tony inch club yeah he's like
There's two gay guys hanging out.
Yeah, yeah.
She is kind of a gay man spiritually.
It's a funny lady, but...
She, I didn't realize how far gone mentally she was.
Because I don't...
Candice Owens, like, three years ago was really funny.
But, yeah, I think she's kind of accelerated with the whole kind of just...
The actual Nazi stuff sucks.
She, I only know this from, I hadn't talked to him, but I heard him talk about it.
Brace from Trunon was like, she's into like, literal, like, fifth century pre-Christian Germany anti-Semitism.
Like, yeah, so there's a blood cult called the Blood Cult of the Mother Dragon.
The Jews are in it.
They do know magic for real.
They do left-hand path magic to each other.
Actually, the star of David is the star of Rimfram, and Rimfram is like kind of a,
serpent he's real he lives somewhere like in the ground in what is now lebanon so the jews used
to worship him um and now they have the blood order of the mother serpent and all the you know
it's just it's what they do yeah and i'm like dude like a million people listen to her
it's crazy she has like a million like paid subs or whatever the fuck like yeah she's not like
a tiny weird motherfucker that's just doing random shit like a lot of
lot of people are like yeah the blood order of the mother's mother serpent yeah yeah yeah yeah I live
next door to one of those guys and you know what real cheap bastard you know what I mean it's fucking
stupid it's crazy I thought she was just a normal concern that guy I saw something on my phone
that day oh my god doing it again and someone's impression like in the center but like you
clearly have not actually listened to it all right oh my god I like Donald Trump y'all oh my
God, he's so good.
He made me want to lick my fingers.
People in the audience are like, that's not how she sounds.
That's not how, no, she talks normal.
Mind that I'm can.
It's always like I got so big tithes.
Oh, my God, y'all.
Them Jews, they be riding on dragons and sacrificing they young.
is Jake Rhodes and Thomas White
featured on the roast of Candace Owens.
Man, I need some bling, bling on my big boobies.
Just like they say you can't be racist to white people,
it's like, well, you can't be anti-Semitic to Candace Owens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she fucking...
I can't be...
You shouldn't say stuff.
about Candace.
I think she just might have
she might be schizophrenic
or she might just be cashing off
big ass and motherfuck
there's also a lot of ladies like that
who just work at the post office.
Yep, that's very true.
100% yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard by Renframm, oh my God.
You need another form of ID baby, okay.
Yeah, that's very funny.
You do, I never thought of it that way,
honestly, but like I have worked with
a couple guys and a couple of girls
that are like, yeah, so like the Rothschilds
or lizards and 100%
this is real like they've got an island in an article where they rape babies um so you should look into
it because you're fucked and jesus is coming soon brother and if you don't get right with him
and start drawing swastikas on a piece of notebook paper in your spare time then it's going to be
fucking game over for your ass it's curtains for your spirit yeah they're putting chinese people
and skittles again so yeah by the way if we can have that report soon that would be pretty
sick and everybody it is almost margarita o'clock but yeah i think honestly that they're
probably going to start making
babies just already transgender
when they come out.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Um, and so,
so, um,
be ready for that and also be ready
for a team building exercise.
We have Monday morning at 10.
Um,
a little hint,
there will be cupcakes.
Not with Asian
babies in them.
It's a Pindaho time vintage, but like,
there will be cupcakes and you will not be
mind controlled and raped mentally due
to Gamerase.
Jewish serpents.
I remember.
I heard Jewish people made the microwave.
Girl, I had Jewish people be making the microwave.
That's the way you can't put salt in there.
They don't like salt.
Jewish people don't like salt.
That's where they're always frowning.
It's always if she didn't know any of the,
like didn't even know what Nazism was.
dog
do she like uh she talks about like
i did watch one of her videos
she talks about
like races
like a bethesta game
so she'll talk about jews and she'll be like well
because they don't have really like the genetic
predisposition to be strong they are very
intelligent but their intelligence is more of a cunning
intelligence they're very good at speaking
and that's why they're natural enemies of the
uh what how does she feel
how does she feel about black people though
she doesn't she do you know that
old-ass black motherfucker who's like
who's like I hate black people and I hope somebody kills me
what's his name like Dr. Jesse Lee Peter
something like that something like that yeah
yeah she's in they're in the same boat
like the Chris Rock you know blacks versus blanks thing
that's real to her and it's like academically real
it's like scientifically real or whatever the fuck
like she she obviously is a black lady
but I don't think she cares too much about what happens
to the community
and all that stuff
That's no good
Yeah no
Hey Candice
Here's an idea
Play it to fuck up
I love black people
And so should you
Yeah
It's super easy
And I love Jews
No I mean I do
I'm kidding
I'm guys I'm kidding
I'm kidding
I'm kidding
I'm kidding
They're fine
They're just like anybody else
I've got like
I know like six Jewish people
Adam's a pretty cool guy
You know
You'll meet more
Once you're up here making the big books
Yeah once I moved to New York
Start making big cheese
I'll start making big cheese
Not really related to the income
You will just will meet a lot of them
A lot of the comedians up here
Are Jewish
Well one of the things that I like
I used to joke with my buddy Cam about
Like when people talk up
When there was this whole thing about
Oh writers rooms need to be more diverse
Like in the 2010s
Like 2010s where it's like oh
Riders rooms are always
Blah blah blah blah
We need more blah blah blah blah
I'm like, dude, the funniest fucking people on planet earth, the funniest people are a 34-year-old Jewish alcoholic and then literally any black guy.
Any, you go to the fucking, go to the train station and sit down next to a black dude and talk to him for 10 minutes.
And if you have the money, offer him a writer's room job.
The show will get 10,000 times better.
They're just funny.
Jews and black guys are the funniest fucking, they're hilarious.
I don't know what it is.
Like, I think stereotypes are fine if they're compliments.
You know what I mean?
Like, they are hilarious guys.
They're the funniest guys.
Yeah, I also, I don't think we need more, uh, more, uh, comedy writers than we have.
Nope, we got a good amount.
I think more, I think, uh, more people who don't do it should do it and more people who do it should get a regular job.
Uh, uh, uh, boy, oh, boy, have we had.
some real stinkers
dude fuck
there's so many funny people
but they all
everybody ends up being a mechanic
or something at some point
well
we're like
we're just having kids
which you know
it isn't the end of your career
or anything but hopefully you've done something
before because you know
if you want to or you can just not raise your kids
but you can totally not
if you have kids you probably instantly realize
This is way more meaningful than doing open lights.
Yeah, yeah.
Some guys don't realize that, though.
I want to make that clear.
I've turned to, I don't, I don't think we should exalt or worship deadbeat dads.
But I think we need to accept that, you know, like, it's just lots of guys are like, damn.
I have to stop, like, riding fucking dune buggies.
I got to stop, like, I got to stop fucking jamming and doing coke for this guy.
he's fucking pink he's like two inches tall i gotta fucking uh-uh no and then they just you know what i mean
they don't you know i'm not saying we should they're good guys and i'm saying it makes sense
raising a kid sounds fucking terrible it sounds like shit my life right now it sounds like it's you know
i think it's it's cool and if you want to have kids it's cool um oh yeah yeah yes i'm not geared
i i'm right now it's not on my mind um i'm
Fertile, I hope I'm fertile
Dude, that would be so funny
If I just couldn't have
If I couldn't have kids
If I was just sterile
Or whatever the fuck
I would suck
I would suck
But who gets a fuck
But like you said
You don't want to have kids
It doesn't matter right
Sometimes
Sometimes I'm like
It would be cool
Maybe to not fuck it up
You know
Like do it the right way
I don't think you would mess it up
You I mean
You would mess up things along the way
But if you give it
You just got to give it
of your best go, really, seems to be
the advice
coming from somebody who's both younger than you
and doesn't
have any kids and
just hangs out with nieces and nephews
and looks at his phone. I do the same. I do the same
thing. I guess what I mean to say is like... Being an
uncle guy is nice. It rocks.
Dude, I love... Neas and nephews rule.
Yeah, Uncle Jake is the coolest guy
in the room. The nieces and nephews love me.
Like, uh...
I'm a mid-tier uncle.
Oh, yeah. I've never been the best uncle.
I mean, best, I mean, I've never, I'm not like the one who's like,
I come in and everybody's like, oh my God.
Yeah.
Yes, because I don't, I'm not good at hold.
I don't know how to hold a baby as well.
I feel like I kind of hold them like footballs.
I support the body.
I make sure the body doesn't fall apart or anything, but like I, you know,
you get back and then the butt and you hold those.
And I feel like I'm missing something.
I feel like babies aren't
Like babies are secure when I hold them for sure
Like they're not going anywhere
Right
But I feel like I'm missing a step somewhere
Yeah
Maybe if they could
Like put a handle on them or something
I don't know
Like a nice little carrying case
Yeah
Yeah
I feel you on that
I don't
Put like a handle on each side of the baby
And you can just like hold it
And it'll be comfortable
Uh huh
I like to
tactical baby carrier
backpacks you see like the old military
guys with they're like camo they look
like plate carriers they've got like
American flags and eagles on them but it's for holding
baby and also
one of my favorite things about that specific
brand design is the baby
goes in front where the plate would go
so it's like a plate carrier
with the front of it where you would put
a ceramic plate to stop
rifle rounds is actually
your son which is just
hilarious to me and then they'll have
things like tactical baby carrier
for the fucking tactical father
motherfucking tacti
and it's literally like just a reworked
plate carrier or bulletproof vest
but you put your son up front
so he can I guess
you know maybe he'll catch a bullet
who fucking knows it the baby's body
probably wouldn't stop a NATO round
or an AK round
or 300 blackout
or 40 Cal or 45 or 50
probably wouldn't stop the 38
definitely wouldn't stop anything like
5-5 anything like that
and it's not doesn't have any babies don't have armor
so armor pierces probably going to get through the kids
super fucking lickety split
baby could probably
stop a 22
probably
I mean
it has to be able to be
from an AR though
no not like a
no no no no nothing
no like a 22 little revolver
like a little tink
maybe you know what I mean
but yeah like a 22 LR like a
AR platform that shoots 22
nah no no no
uh uh that's not happening
honestly I don't think I would like to shoot a baby with a rifle
I think that would be on my no no list
uh yeah I don't want I wouldn't want to do that either
I don't want to shoot a grown up with a rifle
I don't want to get into a shootout with anybody
I do like I would like to shoot a rifle
within the next year or so
we should go shoot next time you're in Texas
yeah that'd be
nice there's a range right by my place
I've been trying to get some boys
together to go shoot like one range
here and it's for like police officers only
yeah
I can probably just go to Jersey or something
yeah yeah I seem like uncivilized
bastards down there like rednecks
you know yeah
well I wonder if they have them upstate
like I'm sure I wonder if the laws
Long Island has rednecks too
yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm talking about like
like gun ranges like real ass
worker who has a sticker that says Long Island
Redneck
I've seen those before.
Yeah, yeah, or like Long Island Hillbilly or whatever.
They're like Irish.
They're like Irish people or like whatever who got here.
Staten Island has like fucking, dude, like Texas-style rednecks.
And it's like a borough of New York City.
That's sick.
But it's like, it's pretty isolated.
Like nobody goes there.
I've never been there before.
I think of the gym, shout out Harry Mack.
He trains at the gym that.
Marab de Walsh Vili and Alderman Sterling trains out at Sarah Longo.
I think it's in Long Island or Staten Island.
And every time I'm in New York, he always tells me to come train and I really want to.
It would be cool to meet those guys.
But it's like a fucking trick.
And I just forget, like, in my mind, living in Texas, like you get it.
I'm like, oh, a two-hour drive in Texas is nothing.
A two-hour drive in New York will make you want to kill yourself.
It's still the, you know what I mean?
It's the same amount of time.
but it's two hours in bumper to bumper
versus two hours like, you know,
on I-10 or whatever the fuck.
Yeah.
Like, you know, it's straight dog is ass.
It fucking sucks.
I think, I still think, um,
for the most part, traffic sucks worse in L.A.
Um, yeah.
Yeah.
Because in L.A.
You'll just be in the same spot for 30 minutes.
Yes.
Like you straight up won't move.
Um, here it'll be like you're not going very far at once.
Like you have a red light.
constantly.
It's like you're always moving a little bit for the most
unless there's like a blockage or something.
I remember a bridge was closed one time and it took me
what like
this drive without the congestion
like with congestion pricing
this drive was 30 minutes
is from Manhattan
to Brooklyn without
and with this one bridge closing
for a little bit it was like a two and a half hour drive
Jesus Christ and it was like
I think 11 miles
That sucks ass
Yeah
Like round trip it was 11 miles
Yeah it was 6 and a half
I will say
Or no 5 and a half
I've never really particularly
felt when people are like
Oh dude hey yo you're in town
Fucking drivers are crazy huh
I've never felt like anybody was particularly
Better or worse than anybody else
Until
Dude until I got to
fucking Pittsburgh I was visiting
and plank dude there were like several occasions where we were trying to take like an
unprotected blind left and you know we were waiting and there's cars going wherever which
way and the people behind us are just laying on the fucking horn hey they're like leaning their
head go and there's fucking 18 wheelers and fucking big rigs and big ass trucks I'm like dude
I'm not going and they're like oh fucking go it was like around the philly and so
Pittsburgh was like that and then the philly jersey cherry hill my baby me
That whole kind of area.
Everybody was like, kill yourself.
Drive in your car and kill yourself and die.
I got to go to my house and fucking hate myself.
Go now.
And I never really, I don't experience that as bad in other places.
Like it genuinely felt like people wanted me to get into a car wreck in Pittsburgh, Philly, and Jersey.
I've heard Newark is really bad in Jersey.
I have a co-worker who lived there for a while.
And he said like every time the light turns green,
you have to wait like five seconds for everybody else to finish running the light.
Yeah, that's how Pittsburgh in Philly was.
Like, not only is everyone telling you to go, but there's also this unwritten rule.
And I was only there for like three days, two days.
It's like, you can't go when it's green at first.
You have to give it a bit.
And it's true.
People just, whoop.
And I was like, that would have been my ass.
That would have been game over.
That would have cut the tour off pretty goddamn quick, sonny.
Anyway.
Drivers, am I right?
some of them drive so fucking crazy yeah yeah driving the car makes you want to be go to your home
yeah i was driving with betty lou the other day and we hit a hippopotamus and exploded
it in the yellow pieces it was and our nothing off my gravy train and our next comedian from the
bucket our next potential kill tony star i was to say the drifter
Uh, okay, okay, the drifter, uh, yeah, let it, let's hear it.
This is, uh, the drifter, everybody, yeah, yeah, uh, hey, everybody, no, I'm not from the Simpsons.
I'm just yellow.
That usually works.
Uh, Tony Hinscliff, am I right?
Reminds me of the man I met at a hotel, uh, a man I met at a gas station in Jersey one
time his name was tony hitchcliff and he was pumping my gas wasn't the same guy that usually works
yeah well there's a new prince caspian movie coming out for all my narnia heads in the building
yeah prince caspian more like yeah he'll be he'll be rinsed and gasping for air when he falls into
the ocean in that one scene am i right narnia heads
You're dressed like, and you're the same size.
You look exactly like Mr. X from Resident Evil.
Like eight feet tall, like a trench coat with a big hat.
That usually works.
Sunglasses.
Oh, the drifter, you got 30 seconds to win the crowd over.
I will say this.
I'm going to need another six or seven minutes.
You reach inside the trench coat and just get a huge ass rifle.
Like, fucking Resident Evil style, big ass.
We got Doug Benson here tonight.
Doug Benson
Yeah
More like
It reminds me of a man
I met at a hotel
I met at a gas station
A few years ago
Had the exact same name
But he was small
And had winks
The name was Bug Denson
Uh
That usually
Okay
That usually works
Now I'm nervous
You start
You start like stomping
And the whole stage
You start
Well, sometimes...
I'm embarrassed in front of Robert Kelly now.
My hero.
Tommy Pope.
Sorry, I wasn't funny in front of you.
I'm sorry, Tommy.
I wanted to be better for you.
You're so handsome.
I wanted to be perfect for Tommy.
I love how handsome you are, Pope.
I love how handsome and old you are.
I love how handsome and old you are
I love how you dress
I love how you dress
like Mikey Miles
I love your beautiful beautiful netted shirts
I don't like Tom
No he's a nice guy
He was very nice to me
Actually he told me to never wear crop tops again
I don't know if that was nice
But
That was good advice
Tommy if you're listening to this
I love you.
You have a perfectly manicured beard.
Oh,
damn, dude.
Motherfucker.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
It's your boy, Candice Owens.
Oh.
Whoa.
Our next kill-tony comedian, Candace Jones.
It's just a white guy.
Hello.
Hey.
Man, y'all never had coffee with the sorrows.
in it.
I had, I called it
red coffee.
Red apple coffee.
Red apple.
Apple bottom coffee.
Yeah.
Kenes that was if she wasn't, if she wasn't a Nazi,
she was just a fucking stupid lady.
That would be awesome.
Yeah, I think if she just like,
because I'm on the fucking
like conspiracy side of the internet
a lot of those guys
believe in wizards and stuff
but they're not fucking anti
they're not kind of they're not fucking weird
old school like anti-Semites about it
I think you can believe in magic and stuff
but not just be fucking
also it's maybe it's not my place
to say
as a as a white man
but if you're any minority and you're like
get a load of these guys
it's crazy
dude
when a gay
conservative think Dave Rubin
when he had the Fox show and he was like
it would be like the pride parade and he'd like a thumb down
he's like get a load of these guys
I don't be doing stuff like that it's like dude come on
yeah you do you do
it's okay it's fine man
you don't have to fucking
why are you putting on airs for
for fucking Greg Gutfield
and goddamn Jesse Waters
you know what I'd like to do
I'd like to shoot Jesse
yeah
just in Minecraft yeah just kidding i don't i think they're pretty litigious that crew so i probably
shouldn't say stuff like that um anyway hey everybody check this shit out we're on the road pretty
soon here in about a month i need you guys to buy your tickets to come see pendejo time live with
max shanker chicago's homeboy j t kelly pendejo time extended universe captain and then of course
me and Thomas, we are going to be in
Milwaukee
at amorphic beer,
September 25th. We're going to be
at the Lincoln Lodge in the big room, September 26th,
and then September 27th, we're going to be
an independent comedy in Detroit, Michigan.
Please come out and get those tickets.
We'll have fresh merchandise.
We'll have all sorts of cool stuff. We'll be hanging out,
taking pictures. Probably
won't be partying too much, but I don't
know. I say that every time, and every time I wake up
and Thomas texts me, feeling
awesome, and we dry heaf together in the Uber, and
then it's all fun so whatever um i really want i really don't want to party i want to be good
what we can promise is that neither of our openers will drink or do drugs yeah we i don't think
j t or max will drink alcohol or do drugs no we can promise that's not a clean comedians
jt is a clean i can promise you guys that between the four of us zero beers will be had between
these three shows none i'm gonna be good oh i really i want to be good they would be good they
be good they will be good you guys are going to get three good sets out of j t and max and i will
also be on all three shows i've been doing a lot of stand-up and you guys need to buy tickets
so you can see how much i've been doing how much i've been working uh if you are in austin september
7th 11th or 18th those are all sundays i'll be at the velvita room doing some stand-up you can buy
tickets to velveter room dot com uh getting ready for the big shows so i've got some work you can come
watch me work out the fucking 45 minutes
or however the fuck long I'll be doing 30 minutes
on the road with the boys
check out
drunk uncle on Spotify
our release fiction years too
and follow Pandeo time
on YouTube go to the YouTube
check out the YouTube and the fuck and the goddamn
Patreon patreon.com slash Padeo time
toss us a little bit of cheese
five bucks a month audio episodes 10 bucks a month
video episodes a dollar a month Discord access
but nothing else
join in on the motherfucking fun
and uh yeah follow the fucking
Pada of Time worldwide follow the socials
uh lino killer and Jake Rhodes
at a bunch of ones on Instagram
um
I think that's all we got for now Thomas
you have any other things
no sir
chill out right
all right guys peace
peace
okay let