Pendejo Time - Cautionary Tales

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

Careful son Support the show and start your free online Hims visit today athttps://www.hims.com/PTSupport the show

Well, so like I'm on the back on the like health stuff, I guess, is I'm like, like trying to be sober again or whatever. So like I, uh, the way that it's always worked for me, like long-term is like, I kind of have to like, uh, I have to, like, because this way I look at it, I had so much fun and I was so like, I did some winning, like, I mean, my body feels so good and I ate like Philly cheese steaks and I drank course banquet all day and I'd like eight opiates and and got really high that now what's next is cauliflower rice and like dry turkey and like rice cakes and you know

like bland chicken like if you think about you know like being high and being fat is like ultimate goodness well you know you can't do that forever I guess you can a lot of guys do it forever I some some things some things my body stopped working so I needed them to like work some of you are thinking haha your penis incorrect that doesn't really work in general drugs are not so I So now I got to now I got to go like monk mode. I got to re-enter like the Warriors path. I've been village He just remembered my dad had a friend who he said like turned yellow and died like turned yellow and died

Like from doing drugs when he was younger he like got sober and then became a security guard at this plant and then Slowly started turning yellow and passed away It's so that so he like got sober and then got cirrhosis and died. Yeah, that rocks. That's awesome I mean that sex but but it was told to me is like a cautionary tale But it really didn't make that much sense to me your dad sitting you down because it was like he was like he used to Give out candy to people who came to the plant and then he got cancer and he was so nice and he died Because of the drugs he did when he was younger Son your dad once had a friend who turned yellow and died.

My friend Bart. Son, dad what's marijuana? Let me tell you about my friend Bart who turned yellow and died. Dude you know it's like, this is fucked up but like, um, man. Wait, what day is it? Oh, it's Thursday? Nevermind, I won't tell this one. But yeah, no, hearing like cautionary tales

when you're young is, um, it's funny to reflect back on those and the fact that like, you think if you have like offspring you might have to Like D are you gonna tell cautionary tales and which ones would you use you know what I mean? Well like I have to start I was talking to Ashley about this like if we have kids like I have to start fresh Like I didn't get cautionary tales I mean I guess I watched them for sure like my mom like gambles You know and like my dad was like my mom like gambles, you know

And like my dad was like, you know, like a fucking wild dog. Everybody knows that but like in terms of cautionary tales like my dad would be like Yeah, I mean, you know everybody going back like a hundred years is kind of just drank and and drugged and And died but you know, I mean that's kind of like that's just what it is Like when I was growing up and I believe this up until I was like in my mid 20s I it was like this is what the men in the family do like You know like some dads are like we're a baseball family or we're a Navy family Like everybody plays baseball or everybody goes to the Navy. My dad was like everybody drinks Kentucky Deluxe and smokes crack cocaine you

know and so I like I was like oh okay and he was like no it's bad but it's gonna happen to you and there's nothing you can do about it so I was like oh so I didn't get any of those so I was like saying to Ashley I was like I'm gonna have to come up with like stories that sound bad and I have plenty of them but also some of them are funny and some of them I had a really good time like the time that we all got a hold of dimerol which is like a old-ass weird like it shuts your nervous system it's like a fucked up opiate that like just shuts your fucking spine on I don't know how it works

it's fucked up and I think I told this story on here a long time ago, but My buddy jay shout out mr. Flanagan jay felony It's his rap name white guy from bel-air houston very rich and his rap name is jay felony And he's a great friend of mine. He's awesome. And now he lives in Salem, because Hubie Halloween was filmed there. Anyway we were all eating dimmerol and dilaudid and he became unresponsive and so we were all freaking out and I was like I'm gonna call the emergency room and they were like no no no no we don't want the cops to come there's too many drugs in the house we don't

want the emergency guys to come and I was like well we gotta figure something out really fast and so we were all high too so we threw him in the house. We don't want that we don't want the emergency guys to come in I was like well. We got to figure something out really fast And so we were all high too, so we threw him in the bathtub and turned the cold water on him He wouldn't wake up And I was like all right guys. I'm calling the hospital He's not waking up like we were slapping the fuck out of him and like we were giving him wedgies I Know that that's bad, but like I was like haha, but please don't die I don't hope he'd overdose and I was like grabbing his underwear and I was like slapping him on his nuts and we were like Pouring cold water on him and he wasn't waking up

And then so one of the guys just I guess nervously started putting shampoo on him and like washing him like in bathing put it and putting a like soap on him and He like immediately comes to when the soap hits him and he was like, why are you guys bathing me? And we were like oh my god Like one of us started crying and I was like oh, yeah, you didn't die. That's so awesome, man Thank you for not dying and he was like I'm gonna show my clothes on and I'm getting bathed What y'all fucked my high up anyway like I can tell my son that but like you know what I mean like if you heard your dad say that you'd be like

That it's less cautionary, and it's more like that sounds kind of funny. You know what I mean like Like so I have to I'll have to think of some You know what I mean like you have a really good one where you you got zanned out and threw your keys in the lake Fell asleep with the trunk of the of the of the matrix which is one of my favorite stories of all time I guess I never really thought about it like that I just you know like I didn't really think of it as I Just thought it was a very weird night, but I guess I didn't really think about it. It's like a Result of any wrongdoing on my part. Yeah Yeah, well just like something that happened to an amazing guy, right? That's how I feel

We're like I feel like if you if you have kids and you like you're trying to give them scary stories about drugs If you're one of the few guys that kind of just had a lot of funny things happen What just lie like crazy? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah smoked a cigarette one time and On my way home, I got fucking eaten by a dog Amy like I was a meatball dogs are attracted to the smell of Marlboro light smoke So I didn't know that and so your dad I was on the way home from From my plant job and I smoked a cigarette out the window and a pit bull jumped right through the window to red light It latched onto daddy's neck. Almost lost me. And they actually

had to put 15 stitches into daddy's neck. Yeah. The nerves coming out of the sheet. So we we were able to save daddy's neck. But daddy's going to be out of commission for a little while. He's going to need a lot of rest. This is like the nurse talking to the wife like that, like male nurse. You're going to need to take really good care of daddy. We're going to give you 10 daddy pills for this next week. Be careful because daddy pills are highly addictive. You're going to get a two week supply of daddy pills.

Take them as needed for pain. And to you mommy, please take sure you take really good care of daddy. And to you boy, make sure your daddy gets lots of sleep and you feed him twice a day. Daddy pills are known for their yellow color, but enjoying too many daddy pills can create a yellow color in your body followed by instant death. Daddy pills feel awesome. Daddy pills literally take every problem away that you've ever had ever. And for a little while you can pretty much keep your job And you can keep your relationships

But usually within six months to a year daddy pills may cause your entire life to spiral out of control And you have a choice to make do you stay with the daddy pills or do you choose your family? Many people choose daddy pills, and I honestly don't blame them I Kind of like daddy. The term daddy pills kind of makes me wish I was in the game just to be. To have a fun name for it. Yeah. Just to have a name for it for a little bit while my life was going awesomely.

Yeah. We called them sweet little candies. That was what, well, Zach called it that. Yeah, we called him Sweet Little Candies. That was what, well, Zach called it that. And then we kind of picked that up from him. And he was like, I'm out of sweet candies. And we would be like, deluded? And he would be like, yeah, I think I'm going to be sick. And we would be like, I just, all right, yeah, well, let's

go pick up some candies up from the candy guy. Ah, fuck, now I'm pissed. I should have been calling him Daddy Pills this whole time. I've been going hard as hell I should have been fucking I should have been just I can Texting my boss. Hey, I'm gonna be I'm gonna keep it a bill with you big dog I've been tooted up off the daddy pills and my life is going swimmingly I had a friend who had only referred to Xanax as faux bars and if you said Xanax he'd

He'd be like what? Oh, you mean faux bars. Oh, that's awesome. That's And I was like, but I had to kind of be like, hey it does sound cool when you say it But for me, I either have to say four bars not not cool at all, or say faux bars, which is, it doesn't really fit in the context of the rest of my language, so I think I have to keep calling them Xanax, and you can just, if you could mentally translate that to faux bars whenever I say that. Right, right, right.

Yeah, hey, yeah, I remember we were at a party, uh, it was at our place and we would throw these big fucking like stupid like ragers or whatever. And we were on the back patio and everybody kind of filed out. So it was just like the girlfriends and like the, like the hangers on and like the main housemates and, and, uh, I was like, I was dude, I had like put a dryer in the fucking, I put a dry, I had a blanket, a dryer and we had this outdoor couch that was like I was dude I had like put a dryer in the fucking Put a dry I'd put a blanket a dryer and we had this outdoor couch It was like covered in vomit like piss and bugs and I was just like laying on it I was like my life is so awesome. I was like super high on oxy and

And one of the girls that was there her boyfriend like they were like staying back to smoke weed because they bought weed for my roommate and You know time went on and it started to wear off and I was like, I was like, Jay, can you go grab my little sweet candies out of my drawer? They're in an old iPhone 4Ks. And the guy goes, candy?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, my candies. And he was like, are you talking about Oxy-30? I was like, yeah. And he was like, why talking about oxy-30? I was like, yeah, he was like Why you call him sweet candy and I was like, oh they got a kind of a little Sweet taste to him and then and they made me feel awesome and he was like oh and I was like waiting for the whole crowd to laugh the the crowd being like ten guys that know me and Obviously they didn't they were everybody was like, oh, well, mean, I guess if you've got a pet name for this drug

Then I guess you're doing pretty good. Like, you know what? I mean, like if you're still able to have to have a good mindset about You know your life being in complete shambles then I you know, I guess it hasn't gotten that bad. Yeah Yeah Phobars is funny. I think I Think talk I think having a cool nickname for something is kind of dangerous as Xanax is like That's awesome. Like to him. That was an industry term but for me it's a I believe it's I

Always heard footballs, but I've never heard faux bars I heard I for bars like cuz there's four bars in it and a stick. Yeah, I sticks I heard faux bars. I heard I've. Four bars, like, cause there's four bars in it. And a stick, yeah. Sticks I heard, like, stick was like, sticks, you know, Zans obviously bars, footballs for like the little triangle al-Praz-lam. But I never heard faux bars, that's cool. Or we'd call them cartoon teeth.

I'm just kidding, but that'd be cool too. Hey, I'm trying to get five cartoon teeth from you, man. I got 20 bucks. Man cartoon teeth from you man. I got man. It's fucking fine I'm gonna pop five of these cartoon teeth and forget about you bitch. Yo, give me some of the Rick and 40s in the cartoon teeth Amy my girl just broke up. I'm about to pop a Rick and 40 in a cartoon teeth and forget about this. Oh, oh My god, I'm about to pop a molly shape like the instacart logo and then go crazy on these cartoon teeth Yo, we had the crib fucked up off the doohickey in the cartoon teeth Hey Yo, we at the crib fucked up off the doohickey and the cartoon teeth. Hey, hey chat, yo hand me one of Curds the cowardly dog's tongues.

Hand me one of them green tongues and a cartoon teeth and a Rick and 40 porfavor stat post haste. Hindsight 2020, maybe the Sackler family should have leaned into it. They should have changed it from Oxycontin to daddy's Daddy's candorino to awesome Topped with awesome Like right next to the like respiratory disease like the picture of the lungs that are blue It just says now topped with awesome. This is like sprinkled just a little bit of fucking a little bit of methadone man, I

Hope I never have to probably what to give that you have to give the drug talk My dad tried to give me the sex talk and it was really disturbing and I and I think about it sometimes Because it was really like aggressive and really like violent kinda. I was like 10 and he was really drunk and he literally- I like where this is going. No, he like, he like, I was was like he was sitting on the kitchen counter

and he was like Because he was born in the 60s and he was born in a small town like a super small right outside Mount Selma And so by his own admission he was fucking pretty regularly by the time he was like 12 it was one of those like he was from a part of Texas that like even though it was like 1973 it might as well have been like 1805. You know what I'm you know what I mean like just one of those are really rural And he was like, yeah, you know, you you're getting you're getting older now thinking about girls and I was like No, not really mostly the Tony thinking about girls. And I was like, no, not really.

Mostly the Tony Hawk and Yu-Gi-Oh. And he was like, well, you're soon here, you're 10 years old, you're gonna start thinking about girls, and you know how, you know about sex, how that works? And I was like, yeah, I mean, I knew, I'd been watching porn, I didn't tell him that, but I was like, oh, I think so.

He was like, well, you know, yeah, you're a little the way, you know, the way it works is your little Pecker gets hard and then you put it inside the girl and Then he made this like hip thrusting motion on the kitchen counter for like 30 seconds. He was obliterated He was pissed shit hammered dude And he was like and that creates a friction that produces semen and that's where the baby comes from and that's called fucking And I was like oh cool, and then like three years later my mom tried to do the same thing And she was like she very Chris. She was like do you do you?

Do you know about do you know about? Sex I was like dad already did it and she was like, oh, I'm sorry She was like, how did that go? And I was like, I don't I think it was weird I think he humped the toaster for like a good 20 seconds and he was like now that's called fucking son and one day You're gonna be doing a lot of it. It's gonna ruin your fucking life. And I was like now that's called fucking son and one day you're gonna be doing a lot of it It's gonna ruin your fucking life, and I was like oh Swag I'm fucking that sounds awesome But you know it didn't I think I just you know I Never really

You know remember we talked about it on here where you're like when you're younger You think you're gonna fuck all day, and then you get older you're like It's like reading a paper. I just like reading out of a news I think I just like watching YouTube you know I mean I think I just Think I just like fucking I think I think I just want to sit here and sip on some of this came on me tea In my sweet yellow dress in my sweet yellow dress. I'm just sipping my sweet cham? Did you go grocery shopping, mom? I believe I sent I sent your paw to town for it

He went in the yellow in the yellow car and he took an automobile and He should be back soon and and he'll take care of it. I just I Just have a hard time caring about you guys sometimes. I'm just looking at my tea and Tasting it with little sips and taking different kisses of it and taking bites of my tea. OK, well, do you think you can maybe run to the store for something?

Me and brother are hungry. Dad stays gone a while. I think maybe you should put some clothes on mama well, I'm trying to but it's hard to with my the way that my Lower half of my upper half are It's like trying to fit a coke bottle through a peephole Just getting some jeggings on to go under my dress Are you well do I outfit? I'm jumping up and down

Mom I think uh Did you Are you just having tea? I guess I just want to make sure you're okay You just drinking my tea just minding my business You have your um your your your boobies out and you're jumping up and down on the couch and drinking tea It's yellow couch just like your father's Cadillac. Yeah no I know what color. He has the best yellow car. I know what color dad's car is I guess I just I've never seen you act like this. I mean you're jumping up and down and you're wearing

jeggings and your your belly's out and your and your your boobies are out and I guess I didn't even notice look at these stupid to like seduce your own teenage son. Oh, Mom, I... Look at these stupid things I have on my fucking chest. Mom, I don't... I don't think that... I think maybe you should put some shirt on or... I'm trying to, but I'm trying to drink my tea.

I spilled a drop of my tea onto my corset. Okay well we have corset. Corset. Corset. Oh. You don't have the corset on. Course course it course it course course it oh You don't have the corset on you just poured your you just poured a big glass of liquid all over the corset on the ground Oh gosh, I bet my That my ribs are breathing so well right now. That's so embarrassing I Would never want my son to see me with an unrestricted thorax

I don't think it's called a thorax I think that's pretty much what bugs are all about as the thorax Mom are you? Are you a bug? I'm just sipping my tea and in my yellow dress and I have my yellow wings. I'm gonna be a yellow bug. Your boobies are out. Oh my bug boobies. Those aren't my boobies those are my wings They're on the front and they make me know oh

The three humans get their wings What do you think maybe? Maybe my feed brother. He's he is very hungry. He looks very sick with how ill he is. We've been alone for a long time up there. Yeah. How long have you been alone? I guess about two, three and a half weeks now, maybe. I was anybody there. I think Dad came up and threw some pink,

pink meat into the room and latched it closed. I was able to get out through the window pink meat There might move a flower um Well, I think I'm gonna I think I'm gonna go get brother and maybe it try to escape I think oh Well, you're are you guys hungry? I was gonna make something soon No, I don't I mean we are hungry, but I Was gonna make boobies salad does that sound good?

On the count of you being a bug and all and I think maybe dad being some sort of demon I Think I need to get me and my brother out of this house. It's basically gonna be like little twigs and Bacteria and it'll also Cuz it's a bug salad also, so it'll have bacteria or algae or moss and it'll have Other smaller bugs, air, little drops of water, and you know micro plastics, everything that bugs are eating. um That soda No, well making soda salad it's gonna be a root beer salad I Don't think that that would I think it's the same as a regular salad But instead of dressing you use root beer and it tastes really good tastes really sweet. I

Think brother and I are severely malnourished And I don't know did you have your root beer We've only been allowed to drink root beer and have the weird pink meat that dad gives us So if you don't drink your root beer your teeth aren't gonna be soft honey My teeth are very soft they bleed a lot so does brothers I don't think you're supposed to give a baby root beer or pink meat You're not supposed to give a baby something that isn't root beer until they're six months Because if you give them something else their kidneys don't know to handle it

And it makes them turn yellow instantly Brother is a little yellow He's a little yellow he and But actually I think that's orange. I think that's cause he's just red. And so whenever you see yellow on him, he's just orange. So he's just not, he's not yellow.

Cause yellow is not orange. But orange is, orange is like a redder version of yellow. Wouldn't you agree? Yeah, I think we can agree on that mom. What would you, what is your favorite two combinations of colors son? Maybe, maybe blue and green. Blue and green and we all know what color that makes Blank sort of a bluish green or a greenish blue right Yes, a blue and green. I think it just makes a

Shit yeah Yep Okay, that's what they do well, sweetie. I gotta go to work. I work at the I'm gonna be the new secretary of defense. Sorry. I gotta Kind of flat my wings and get over there and yeah That's good mom. Okay. Well, I'm gonna escape the house Okay, well Sweetie, goodbye. Here's a book his

This fluttering of wings That's what it sounds like when bugs fly. This is what it sounds like when bugs fly Prince now we are on that one back I'm not a butterfly I'm a bigger bug you. You can chase me, but I know how to fly. How can you just leave me crawling all on the ground on my own? I'm just a little yellow bug. Maybe I'm just like a green bug with a different color. Maybe I'm just like a blue bug. Maybe a black house

fly. Why do we squeak at each other? This is what it sounds like when bugs fly There's awesome I'm glad you were able to do that. I like that a lot. I like Prince I'm a big fan of Prince. I think it's cool that he got so much pussy started fucking guys That's a pretty cool thing to do. I Think some guys maybe start having sex with guys got so much pussy started fucking guys that's a pretty cool thing to do I think some guys maybe start having sex with guys because they're gay and he has he did he have sex with guys yeah what like confirmed yeah 100% when did that happen well I thought it was just rumors.

No I think he had like a lot of sex with a lot of guys. It doesn't seem like something Prince would do. The King of Minneapolis? I don't know. I mean. Well here's the thing. I think maybe you're right and I'm a little right because I think I think everybody Assumes he's gay was gay

Just because he was annoying No, I mean I thought it was understood that he like was like Metro like like preferred women But like every now and then if you've got a little squirrely I saw a video of him the other day in concert that made me laugh so much and it was him using one of those little purple shiny suits and like the ass part was like partially cut out like on the cheeks uh-huh it's where he was covering his crack but the cheeks were out yeah and he was like twerking at the audience and being like does your man have a butt like this fuck yeah girl seeing a guy shake his ass and be like I wish that was my husband dude my husband was a gay

little woman yeah he uh I think cuz he got like crazy crazy religious towards the end of his life, and I think it probably from just Sucking and fucking and then maybe you suck and fuck so much that you become like Jehovah's Witness I mean he's the only Jehovah's Witness where if they did knock on my door back that is actually pretty cool Yeah, he should have been ahead of the door knocking campaign fucking Prince. Yeah, dude, and he just said he just had to Yell at drummers and stuff, you know Well, if you find yourself yelling at your penis because it doesn't work good You're gonna want to turn the volume up to fucking 40 Okay

If you haven't been giving the bedroom performances you want wishful thinking isn't gonna make your dick hard But him sure can. Hems provides men with access to affordable sexual health treatments, with a range of doctor-trusted options like chewable tablets, Viagra, Cialis, and their generic options for up to 95% less. You'll be winning in the bedroom and with your bank account. The process is totally online, and if you're prescribed, shipping is free. It's time to get HemsS and get the job done.

Start your free online visit today at hems.com slash PT. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash PT for your personalized ED treatment options. HEMS dot com slash PT. The featured products include compounded products which are not approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality by the FDA. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Price varies based on product and subscription plan

Thank you hims. Thank you hims. Yeah, go get your shit fucking solid as a goddamn rock Boost your confidence sexually and emotionally Yeah, like by getting a boner whenever you want. Yeah. Yeah, whenever you want. I know that some of you guys I don't know how many of you but You know some of you might be like Damn my penis doesn't work. Oh, no, it's all soft It's all soft in my mouth Whenever you're trying to suck your own cock and you want to make it easier

Use him to get that that extra little bit of Virginity so whenever you have your ankles up on the Bed frame and you've got your your fat stomach jutting into your jaw You're just trying to get the tip in your mouth now You'll have that blood flow to one where you're upside down. It's no big deal you still got huge big boss balls and Your shaft will be right where you want it, which will be of course coming into your own mouth Yes, sir. Like you've always wanted now with him's yeah

If you've ever if you don't get your dick sucked enough and you want to get it So they call it hems because that's what you'd be singing whenever she's sucking on y'all meet whenever it be hard It's hell cuz you took pills Oh, thank Lord I took Anyway, thank you The tuba blues? Anyway, thank you, Ames. My goddamn motherfuckin' You know, it's about that time to actually get real. Yeah, okay.

I feel like nobody wants to actually get real nowadays. What makes you say that? Whenever I go to the cracker barrel and I say I don't want my butter to be melted in my butter sandwich whenever I get my butter sandwich I want piping hot meat and I want butter that is cold. Every time they give me to the sandwich the butter's all melty like it got scared. Okay yeah yeah um yeah whenever I ask why they say it's because of the meat you said you wanted a piping hot. Welcome to Cracker Barrel my name is Jake I'll be taking care of you So you you come here a lot. I guess you want a

piping hot meat sandwich with cold butter Ice cold butter ice cold butter you want the meat I will prefer to be hot Okay hot meat frozen butter sandwich what type of bread The best bread. Ok best bread got it we got a bunch of that in the back. So we got one best bread hot meat. And don't skim me on the pieces of bread give me at least two. Ok.

Yes sir your wish is my command two slices of best bread with a big slab of frozen butter piping hot meat coming right up Stat anything else I can get you No Except for a glass of water Okay, you want that free You don't make my ass pay for it. It's it's free. It's a free 99, sir Not a not a damn dime or a dang dollar. Okay, zero dollars and zero cents for the water, sir

Okay, cuz I just went to church and they said water would be free if I went here Yeah, yeah, it doesn't cost any money what the whole sermon was about Wow, that's okay. Yep. I gave him 100 thousand dollars today Wow, it's very generous of you, sir. was 110% of an inheritance I got so now I know So is the whole inheritance I always give 110% So It's a tithe so you got to give 110% of your income

Okay, I've been struggling a lot. I'm struggling a lot lately and this latest blessing was one of the worst things ever happened to me because the extra ten percent on top of ninety percent of well well a hundred and ten percent of 90 it would not be a hundred be 99 110 percent of a hundred is 110 no one percent 110 percent of 90 oh Yeah, 90 first yeah first one a hundred and then I went no Thomas take a step back to class First I went 100 and then I went no Thomas take a step back to class Yeah, get back on that damn drawing board. No child left behind. I was back there y'all didn't look Y'all left my ass behind

Y'all left my white ass back there No child big behind when I was a kid No child big behind that's all you women got to offer What no child you left the real behind in Turkey how about that They get their ass cut off Put it in the deli slicer. Yeah. Yes, sir. Yeah we can probably make that happen. We are still at the Cracker Barrel. Yes sir, no child big behind. No child in America will be left with a huge ass.

As gods as my witness, we will take all the big butt cheeks away from every child in America We'll donate it to the women who need it and the men who want it. My name isn't Donald Rumsfeld The Democrats want your child to have a huge butt Me on the other hand I want it to be normally sized. Now taking questions. Whose butt are they going to make bigger? Is it going to be yours? Is it going to be mine?

Will it be my child's? No, the child gets a small butt. I don't want it to be my child's. I don't want my child's butt made huge No, it's made small. Can I stop it? Yeah, are they gonna hurt me? No, that's am I gonna hurt them? I was gonna kill me All this on Tucker Carlson presented exclusively on X the everything app Where I now make $40 per episode of my show.

Who's making my child's butt small? Is it the liberals? Is it Donald Trump? Who's making my boy's butt so small that I can't even see it in his little leggings? Who's making my wife's butt big? Is it the communists? Is it Xi Jinping? Find out more on Tucker Carlson Live on X,

the Everything app. Barack Obama wants everyday kids to have a small butt. I think that's wrong. When this country meant something, when it lived by Judeo-Christian values. When families stayed together. When fences were white and dogs barked and you could leave your door unlocked. Kids had huge, voluptuous butt cheeks. The Democrats took that away. Am I taking it away? Are you taking it away? Who's taking it away? And where are they taking it? Where are they taking my son's ass? Are they taking it to a facility? Are they taking it to a lab in China to do gain of function research on my son's butt cheeks. They don't know

Dr. Fauci in 1988 was injecting children with various serums to make their butts tiny Here I have is here I have a steamed guest Hulk Hogan Hulk When presented with these facts, how do you feel the fact that liberals, democrats, and socialists are working day and night to make your children's butts smaller? I feel good, brother. Hulk, I was hoping for a more well articulated response

Hulk you're very red Yeah, not as red as my mustache er it's right now oh Alright well, I'm gonna put a Zen in and look into the camera. One second. And we're back. My newest guest is Jelly Roll. Our next guest is Jelly Roll. Hey Jelly, you grew up in Appalachia. Appalachian children used to have large, distinguished butt cheeks. But when the American economy failed and we began shipping all butts overseas, children were left with small, bony cheeks.

Care to comment? Yeah man, that's fucked up. Jelly, you- I'm Jelly Roll and I know how I sound Jelly, you just released a new single called my life is so fucked up. Please help featuring Kid Rock I Listened to it today on the way to pick up my son from button largening camp and it really resonated with me So many Americans lives are fucked up and they need help

Yeah, it's basically like a story of like a broken chain that broke a man and he's like searching for the bottom of the bottle but he just can't hold back these feelings no more and so he's riding in the truck and looking out at the sunset thinking of you thinking of times we had and all the heartbreaks we had all the fights we stayed up figuring everything out the late nights we spent in the back seat of the truck fucking well he went to town on that sweet pussy and all the times he said fucking he said he gave up on love and he's riding with the rides that he's gonna be on road. He's rolling on the road and he can't even stop

to look back because all that there is is the future, but all he sees is a girl. But life is fucked up and sometimes shit ain't what you thought it was gonna be. But guess what, motherfucker? We're gonna live in it and we fucking thrive because we're the tough guys that God gave all the weapons to. And and we fucking thrived with the tough guys that God gave all the weapons to

Wow very insightful jelly you're such a an astute and emotionally vulnerable man, I Really appreciate your feedback It's been really hard man. I've been crying the other day. I cried for the first time on better help and And it really made me feel better person because I've been putting my phone into my mouth just crying thinking about everything I lost in the industry. I've been putting my phone in my mouth with the music on and making it go wub wub wub because I've been... I was talking to two of my friends last night, Jack and Daniel, on a lonesome road in the

back of my El Camino fucking the shit out of my wife. My fat ass wife. And I was looking at my painted 400 pound nails and thinking about a guitar and an ice cold beer and rapping. Yeah. Yeah. Just a fucking young country legend, 40 and 300 over 300 pounds my 400 pound painted fucking nails it just gripped a steering wheel on the way to fucking God's country you know what I mean?

man I'm so blessed to be right where I am which is at the top of the world for no fucking reason just sort of existing because of a deep sickness He looks like when YouTubers used to do blackface I think like I Think like yeah, there is kind of like a old minstrel look to his his shit Son of a sinner ballads of the broken I'm just gonna take a look at these Wild ones that ain't no man. That's the devil

We're gonna all my life popular monster Save me off self-medicated Son of a sinner off balance of the broken Same asshole off crossing crossroads Big fat fucking miserable idiot by damn. I fucked up again Big fat fucking miserable idiot by damn I fucked up again Holy shit, I crashed our car and it's over by fuck. I'm big and it's all over One telephone pole one Chevy and no kids off of oops

Damn I hate myself off of that's a big-ass Twinkie Damn I fucked my wife too hard off of two trailer parks and one love story In the end I did it all What's that one off of it's off of can't can't take back the trailer Oh, I love. I love dude. I love that one. That's that was one of my favorites Let me I'm trying to find some more Zia's albums Viral soon beautiful beautiful disaster Beautiful disaster that's what he calls his fucking toilet a

big man's tears wish it wasn't so bad rolling with jelly looking at a picture of him wearing maybe the biggest best I've seen in my whole life If you are if you're a big dude, and I'm saying this is a dude with a frame That's also not built for vests. Yeah, I'm fat as fuck again. It's You got to know when to not wear vests you know what I mean or just yeah to mix up the layering situation Yeah, you know what I mean if you have a vest You know it gets to figure out some bulk on the shoulders and stuff to a vest with a jacket on top Yeah, can be can add mystery. You know what I mean? But but just wearing a 5x cell car or vest on top of a t-shirt

I got to say at least for this gentleman here I don't mean any you know shade is to say it all but he looks like a covered wagon and that's not what I want to say about anybody he looks like he's wearing a blueprint for a vest you know like they would blow it up and look at the details yeah I mean I mean I'm gonna keep it a buck jelly roll does seem like the kind of guy that I would get along with but to your point I'm sure I would but there's a lot of people like that And that doesn't mean that I can't you know, put hate out into this world and for sure Yeah, you know surely some of this at some point it'll be like

Meet somebody and they'll be like, oh man that hurt my feeling but that guy's probably gonna be like fucking jelly roll it's not gonna be yeah yeah yeah no yeah the way this headline is written and it like the lead get the headline gets buried it says jelly roll lost 110 pounds after food I don't think that's the way it works what did he get divorced or something? Yeah, how did he lose a... after diet and working out? I'm pretty sure Joe Rogan probably has him lifting fucking maces into like fucking stupid kettlebells and shit. Yeah, I think also he would be so stupid to not get on Wagovi or something when he's a superstar.

Yeah, 100%. He's hanging out with the fucking tier one operators and all the fucking Man-O-Sphere guys. Get on that fucking shit. 100% he's hanging out with the fucking tier one operators and all the fucking manosphere guys get on like fuck If I was if I was if I like suddenly became famous, you know what I mean? I Know there's so many things that right now. I'm like I would never do that. Like I say that right now but if I had a bunch of like Cameras and shit. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like I Like that there's so much stuff that I would be insecure about that just cuz I haven't noticed it about myself You know what I mean, dude?

If we did this show like if whatever we do stand up making sure whatever the fuck took off like I'm getting fucking teeth I'm getting on will go be I'm getting on the medicine that the rich people get on that makes like opiates and alcohol not Feel good forget what it's called and then The Lord The Lord It's called fucking Bible yeah, I'm getting on that shit, and I'm fucking looking. I'm never looking back. Don't ask me for a fucking thing

Yeah, jelly roll I Liked what you said earlier. I don't I was I was actually thinking about that the other night I was like okay all the guys that Rogan because he's a Rogan guy All the guys that Rogan and Tony brought up like I get it like I understand it to some degree like Shane and Mark Norman and like Fucking Norman and like Fucking Lewis whatever like I had all that makes sense Jellyroll doesn't make any sense to me Like in terms of like he does

I guess he doesn't seem like a guy that they would put on you know what I mean like I don't know But I also think there is something to be said about the type of guy That consumes that content that very much is one of the guys that's like, damn my life's fucked up, but sometimes even the most evil monsters can have a heart of love. You know what I'm saying? Like guys that like, spin their kids around too hard and like fucking throw the water balloon way too hard at their daughter like that that guy also loves like he's like dude did you watch did you see Andrew Schultz you're like no he's like man you gotta watch it's so funny you're like nah I don't watch stuff like that

you know what I mean and then he like goes home and he fucking is like Daddy daddy got the nerve gun. Haha, and he's fucking like breaching and clearing like his kids bedroom doors And he's fucking two in the chest one the head his son He's thinking about fucking Mogadishu, and he's like I'm a broken man But I've got a beautiful spirit, and I got the heart of a lover and his wife's like babe babe calm down babe And he's like I'm just a lover with a problem a broken lover and he fucking racks a real one he doesn't even know he has the AR-10 he's a fucking thinks it's the nerf gun and his son's fucking screaming around and running around and run up the fucking

stairs like I'm a broken man but I got a beautiful heart fucking blows his son away blows his fucking daughter out the fucking window Fucking mag change shit, you know wife's she's throwing fucking vases at him. He's like, I'm a beautiful broken man I'm just a broken beautiful monster. I'm an evil monster But I got love fucking click click click fucking god damn it. They are tens jam He fucking throws it his wife's head. She fucking hits the ground. She's all like why? why fucking throws at his wife's head she fucking hits the ground she's all like why why so I think I've gathered I just read Jelly Rolls Wikipedia and think I've put some pieces together so he he was like the white he was like a white like Memphis style rapper you know yeah out with like little white and all those good. That's what I remember

Yeah, cuz I remember kind of like having heard of him. Like I think I'd seen him on YouTube before Same I'm in and then he became a born-again Christian Yeah, his late 30s. Yeah, and I think that's that's where he's at. I think Becoming a Christian. I think it was like You know that was his Tom Cruise Scientology, you know, that's what took him to the top because I think being like I Think there definitely is a market for guys like that, you know kind of like the Post Malone Post Malone's probably the most successful version of that being like, you know, like, oh, he's a white rapper, but now he's like returning to his roots. You

know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He's growing up and then it's all just making bad country music. Yeah. Well, I think like the music that Post Malone makes now is like oh my god. I didn't even I didn't know popular music could be this like It's just so fucking empty but 808 country is is something else dude like it it's It was cool at first it was like a cool Like like Colt Ford remember that guy yeah yeah yeah yeah it was kind of it was like it was stupid but he it was kind of like Toby Keith type thing where you know I think here's my thing with that I think the 808 country thing if you're not taking yourself too seriously I think can be fun you know what I mean

like I think that shit can be fun and like like oh okay you know what I mean but like when like when it's like Morgan Wallen or some of these other dudes that are like No fucking slide guitar hits and you know, why don't you go do a different bar? Every time I see you think too hard like I I can't I don't know man. I have like a I have like a I feel like I have like a like a my mind marks that person is an enemy. You know I can't I can't do it like What you resonate with this? Like drinking every day like I did I drink alcohol every day sometimes. I'm taking a lot of pills I fucking love pills dude. I will say when you're drunk sometimes you'll be in a setting where something that comes on and

I've been in a situation where I did understand the appeal oh I mean, I've definitely vibe to a Morgan Wallen song at one point or another probably In a certain setting where I'm at a bar or whatever. Yeah, whatever is playing. I'm like, oh Man, I can't dad they thought to play this song tonight and it's like Sultans of Swing You know, it's like a song that comes up without you even paying for it. Uh-huh. Yeah Yeah, I I never had anything like that with Morgan Wallen, but I had like it's so

Sometimes Sultans of Swing you talking about Dire Straits. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great song. It's one of the best songs of all time Talking about Dire Straits? Yeah. Yeah, that's a great song. It's one of the best songs of all time. Do you think that he should make an apology for Money for Nothing, for saying the F-slur? Or do you think he should forgive him? No. Oh, okay.

I don't think so either. I just thought maybe I would ask you. No, I don't. Not that I, you know, I don't think I could change his mind about things. Yeah, me neither. It's been too long. Yeah, I mean either it's been too long Yeah, you'd drive it you'd make a good point damn solt the swing coming on got a 20 bag in my boot I got $13 in my checking account fucking drunk and

I'm at this matter restaurant with my girlfriend. It's 2015 and she's checked the fuck out dude, you know It's fucking it's just you know, here's what it is and Man, I think maybe I could have been jelly roll. I Think maybe maybe that's why I don't like him Maybe I see in jelly what I wish to not see in myself. You know what I mean kind of like a person who romanticizes Being pathetic, you know a person who romanticizes taking advantage of people and lying to people, you know? Like, if you apply the hero's journey to being like a bumbling buffoon that deceives and is selfish, then maybe that's a way for you to absolve yourself

of it in some sense. Like, damn, I'm fucked up and I'm fucking of a bad father and a bad husband, but I do got a good heart And it's like dude do you Maybe I don't but I think that's yet to be determined most times people that are fucked up and evil You know I mean like they're you have a sad life or whatever But they're just you just fucked up an evil most people have bad lives I am on in on the other hand though. Okay. I will say this I Do like they're being publicly white trash people agreed 100% I'm with you a billion percent I don't want this to seem like a guy with face tattoos is my enemy by default

Yeah, even a white guy. It's I'm with I Think it's more of an authenticity thing with the I think jelly roll has more than most Yeah, like yeah, the the the the Morgan. I mean Morgan Wallen doesn't really act like Like not everybody's a Sturgill or a Tyler you know or like yeah You know what I mean like not everybody's like kind of a handsome redneck guy You know what I mean like in fact most cases. That's not the case you make a very good point like

most people that are genuinely like Like mired in poverty and alcoholism don't look like you know then like GQ or whatever the fuck they look like mr. Roll and so I'm with you. I do think that's good for representation. It's nice to have my people out there Nice to have nice to have a bit of I Can see myself in mr. Jelly I can see myself I don't I don't see myself too much in the wall and of the world on the count of uh It's a familiar type of person to me though. Yes. It is it is I had lots of friends that were like When I was growing up I had a ton of like country wanksters guys that

Said the soft a and word, but were also racist that was kind of like half my friend group like also racist. That was kind of like half my friend group. Like, you know, guys who rock the square toes with the basketball shorts. And I know you've rocked this a couple times, but you you're you do it out of utility. You've got things to do. This is something they wear to a party. You see what I'm saying? Like they threw on the and ones and the Cavenders and they were like, perfect. We're ready. I'm ready to get pussy from a girl with diamonds on both of her hip bones Like that that guy me and that guy were fucking like like this I wasn't sucking his penis or I wasn't sucking on his butt or nothing like that. So don't even say that but we were I was tight with that guy and

And that guy sometimes you get drunk with him or you get high off pills with him in high school or college or whatever And you but I'm so fucked up man man I'm I don't know what to do and you be like yeah man it's fucking life's a goddamn journey but now pull those fucking basketball shorts up and fucking throw those boots on let's go kick today's ass brother you know what I mean what you got going on over there oh no I think nothing I think we're just trying to ventilate a little bit So I was wondering why you why when we started the call You you were squinting Tarantino. Oh, no. No, this is this is kitchen related

Oh, I thought maybe y'all were smock smoking fucking no Smoking fucking we me Jake. I think you know me better than that. Yeah No, I did I did relax before but I Relaxed if that's against the law or something. Let me know illegal for daddy to relax. It's not illegal. Oh So daddy daddy doesn't get gummies anymore. Yeah, daddy doesn't daddy doesn't get can't dig Daddy doesn't get a candy candy chew Daddy daddy doesn't get a little chalky white tablet that makes his eyes closed and his heart beat slow

Mmm. I don't know seems like somebody doesn't love daddy anymore Yo, I wasn't gonna say fuck Fuck. Oh, yeah. I've been doing these like online fucking like meetings. Mm-hmm shit For like fucking for the Boy Scouts lawsuit. Yeah for being a sick-ass motherfucker knows how to handle his business. Yeah, and I fucker knows how to handle his business yeah and I kind of forgot how much that fucking shit sucks like I don't fucking like I was gonna say I never really like I guess I'm doing it to like keep busy or whatever because it worked last time but like I fucking don't like all the shit that they're like you know your best day

Yeah, what was it? Oh your worst day sober is better than your best day high and it's like What? No, you're fucking smoking pecker if you think if you believe if you if you have to tell yourself that keep yourself from doing fucking pain pills, man Hey, whatever the fuck I don't whatever who get that's fine. But that's a fucking load of horseshit. It's not real like I've had dude. I've wrote a roller coaster. I fucking um What else I get I went the goddamn tubing I fucking you know Not every not everything about being high is like You know throwing up on yourself and shit in your pants and stuff a lot of badass shit happened to me when I was high I was high for the Chicago show. That was an awesome show. I was high as hell and

Then when I sober my dad died, you know what I mean? So say this shit doesn't make no fucking sense You guys are fucking crazy if you You can have some good days I guess but like I hate all that shit I but I think some guys have to tell themselves that you know what I mean to keep from fucking going off to deep end I Just can't bring myself to do it. Anyway, if you're listening to this that means it's fucking free Yeah, and if you want to Hear more and see more content head over to patreon.com slash pendejo time And you can get access to a whole backlog of audio episodes and discord access

The dollar once gets you access to the discord and nothing else you can hang out in there and meet some friends five bucks a month Gets you access to a whole backlog of audio episodes plus a bonus audio episode every month ten bucks a month gets you access to an entire backlog of video episodes plus a bonus video episode every month I'm filming some more this weekend so be on the lookout for those my that fuck yeah May 10th if you're go to the patreon if you don't want to subscribe, but you're in Austin, Texas, May 10th. Please get tickets to see the show. I know that you guys are asking for Austin shows, so we got one. It is a bit of a late one. It is a late show, but that's when it is.

So get tickets to that. I tried to price them accordingly so people can come out and have a good time. I've got a bunch of new bunch of new merch about to be here in the next couple days So be on the lookout for that too I posted it on the goddamn motherfucking motherfucking patreon We're gonna sell it at the show and then the leftovers will be available for purchase on Shopify I think I also have a couple sweaters left, too. I Think that's about it Thank you guys for hanging out. Goodbye. Goodbye