Pendejo Time - celebrity sympathy

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

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Well, you know, damn it, when you're recording your show and the fuck your cord falls out, I guess we don't gotta do the Hank thing. I mean, you know, it's alright. Can you hear me? Yeah. I have to hold this in a very particular way for it to be the right mic it's picking up. Folks, sometimes, you know, you step on a mic cord in, what, 2020, and you just never successfully buy a new one,

so it just falls out of the microphone. If you want to... I guess we can't spend any more money on gear because, you know, of the whole money situation. But we don't got to go into detail on that, you know? We owe the IRS several thousand dollars. That's what the money situation is. And honestly, who gives a fuck?

What does that even stand for? Nobody knows. Nobody gives a shit. Eternal retard service? How about that? Yeah, what is that? I really suck? Really suck?

Yeah. Idiot. Yeah, probably. Really stinky? Yeah, how about that? Eternal rectum sucker? Yeah. Snake?

Eternal rectum. You got a snake up there, dumbass? Well, we were like eight minutes in, and you guys really missed Hank Hill bankrupting the family. Yeah, Jake was talking about how just an ideal world, I guess, where Bobby Hill has to sell pussy as like a 13-year-old. Yeah, to a marauder gang because the economy collapsed and Hank Hill lost all the money in crypto and I was doing the impression and stuff you know the the

running up that hill video people really like that you know yeah I haven't seen yet I haven't somebody uh this guy dms me and he was like what's your last name and I was like what he's like I'm writing an article about you on Nerdist and I was like he what's your last name? And I was like, what? He's like, I'm writing an article about you on Nerdist. And I was like, he was like, your Hank Hill video. And I was like, oh, awesome. Don't put my last name on there. It's like, my name's just Jake, you know, or whatever. And then people were like, somebody asked me like how to play it.

And I was like, I don't know, man. I was fucking drunk. Just watch the fucking video. Figure it out. It wasn't, you know, it was just having a little bit of fun. Just messing around. You know, Jake, he's a quiet genius. Yeah.

I'm definitely quiet. If there's anything people will say about me, whether or not they just met me or I've been friends with them my whole life, they'll say, Jake sure is a very quiet and subtle guy. He's definitely not overwhelmingly loud and sort of annoying to be around. You're not annoying to be around. You are overwhelming and loud. But, you know, it's a good balance. Because I'm loud as fuck all the time. That dancing video you sent me was a nice little gem.

I had a rough week and i was i was really it was getting me pretty good because i don't know if it was just the angle of the camera but you looked very thin uh and it and i was like i think it was just the angle that like the down i looked like a creature you look you look like a like a cryptid, man. You looked very... I looked seven feet tall and 90 pounds. Yeah, you had your Pete Davidson shit going on. Everybody don't know what I'm talking about. Dude, my hair looks so funny right now.

Yeah, you look like a... That was the only hairstyle lesbians had for a long time. Before they realized you could just have it regular if you want. I look like Curtis. You look like the greatest roller derby queen of all time. I have a pompadour. Shout out to Curtis. Shout out to Curtis.

I've been trying to get the swoop like Big Kurt, and I don't have a motorcycle, and I don't like whiskey that much. My dad bought a motorcycle. Did you? No, my dad did. he oh shit yeah what kind do you know it's like a it's like a honda cruiser nice that's pretty cool does he have a motorcycle license or he just fucking around yeah he got it he hadn't um he had never spoken about having motorcycles but apparently he had them growing like his 20 in his 20s and stuff. Dude, that is so... Everything you tell me about your dad leads me to believe that he has this, like...

There's, like, a 20-year part of his life that... Not 20, maybe, like, five that no one else will ever know. Like, he had a bad boy phase. He used to, like, ride bulls and, like, box and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Like, your dad, the guy who splits one beer a month with his wife you just find out more and more that your dad was like a true detective character yeah a bull riding like amateur boxer who like loves motorcycles but like never saw a cigarette

like the coolest christian in the whole world. Like the coolest guy, the coolest deacon in the whole church. Ashley, so we went back to Houston and Ashley was back home. And her, Abuela is like Pentecostal, like super Pentecostal. I didn't know that there were Pentecostal Latinos. I didn't know that. Is that common? It's huge down there. Really? I thought it was it was mostly i mean i guess it is mostly catholic but it is but there's like you know they got all kinds of shit i mean they got chinese baptists down here yeah they got korean yeah they've got like korean uh like white supremacist baptists

in the south dude those are the coolest churches because there was one by my house the korean it was a korean southern baptist church and i would like drive by it on sundays and everybody there would be korean guys getting into lifted trucks which is like yeah it's awesome like if you see a short white guy getting into one in the south you're like it's such a cool part of american culture to like integrate into yeah yes exactly like you don't get into like it's very easy to integrate yeah like there's so many you can just get like a Honda Accord and you're like a regular guy here yeah but but to choose to be from Korea because like the sign was in Korean and they had Korean service but to become a good like to become a Korean good old boy it's like like that rocks

like to have all the personas you could choose from when you move to the states you speak korean you go to church in korean you like you become like a lifted ram 1500 guy like that yeah that you become that or like johnny dang those yeah in houston those are your two options yeah you become fucking like like an engineer who loves him some jesus like chinese jesus or you become like like a trap lord yeah yeah like you sell jewelry to murderers that's your fucking fuck that rocks you ever see the picture of johnny dang where he's pumping gas with like two gold two gold Desert Eagles. Out. No. I did see that video of him. Who was it?

I don't remember who the rapper was, but I don't know if it was staged. I would hope that it's not staged, but it was some Houston rapper, and he was, like, just swaying by Johnny's. You know, I had to get my boy to get me right. You know, I got the rig, 45K, like the grill. You know, I got the chain, 60K. And then, you know, he's like flexing it. And like towards the very end or before the video cuts off, Johnny like turns to him really serious. He's like, you haven't paid yet.

And like the video ends. I forget who the rapper was. He's from Houston. And I was like, please be real. That's so funny to me. Like in the middle of your flexing video, you've got your goons behind you. You know all of them are strapped. And you're just like, hey, that's not your chain yet, bro. Like, I mean, I guess it could be real because no one fucks with Johnny Dang, from my understanding.

Like, he is an untouchable. There was a video that one jeweler put out who's from New York. I forget his name. You talking about Trax? That he's like, looks like to be a Middle Eastern guy of some sort? Yeah, because it wasn't Eliante. He was in Uncut Gems. That's how he got famous.

I know exactly who you're talking about. No, I didn't know he was in that. He was the jewelry store owner, the one that... I haven't seen Uncut Gems. Okay, never mind. But I believe it. You see him on TikTok a lot.

He's like really popular on there. I believe it. Yeah. I used to follow a bunch of jewelers on instagram anyway he posted a video it was like very calm just sitting in his office and he was like hey cuevo um so i let you borrow um this fifty thousand dollar bracelet a few months ago and i said you can if you don't like it just give it back and uh if you you know if you do like it you can just pay for it you know well you haven't paid for it and you haven't given it back so i've tried to reach you a few times just whenever you get a chance i'd like that bracelet back just very calmly, just calling out like a trench Lord.

Hey, uh, Hey Gucci main. Hey NLE chopper. Yeah. All the comments were like, this is somehow like really terrifying. He's not threatening or anything. He's just, no. Hey, uh, this is something that needs to be done by you. Just a heads up. It's those guys like that tracks guy.

If we're talking about the same dude, he, uh, he had an open beef with a rapper i forget his name he like made him a custom um like a it was like a like a cartoon i think it was a pokemon chain it's like a quarter million dollars or something and the guy never paid him and like kodak black offers to buy it and then on principle track just he just destroys it he was like i'm throwing away a quarter million he threw it into the into central park like into the water he was like if you can go find it as a quarter million dollars worth of gold and platinum he was like fuck fuck you and i was like how connected do you got to be to call out a guy like because the rapper would you know and then two if this isn't staged and if it's not i'm an idiot so it could, and if it's not, I'm an idiot.

So it could be. But if it's not for publicity, you're just throwing away. He was like, go in Central Park and dig in the water. You'll find that. I was like, oh. It's like, come the fuck on, man. Like, what are we doing? I'm taking a one-way trip to New York.

You can't be doing shit like that. Bobby, I am. Did you see him some strapped up homeless guy wearing it but like all of the rest of his clothes are just normal yeah well dude that's like I was thinking about like the economy collapsing or whatever I'm like you know there's gonna be a Hulu documentary about like you know the wild wild west of like NFTs and crypto or whatever like in the next maybe i don't know dude right after all those people died travis scott i think their bodies were still

in the morgan hulu had a docu-series on it it was like seven episodes long so i would like to say maybe give it five years let the economy yeah no i can see that for sure i'll tell you what i'd like a mini documentary on is the fucking ceo of bang energy uh yeah wait what who is that again i don't know about that he's like uh he's a like a middle-aged white guy and his he has his hair all like super fucking spiked he has a giant bang energy logos chain okay come up i will have looks yacked out of his fucking mind in every video i've ever seen i he uh i know that he sponsors colby covington the ufc fighter like they're boys so that oh yeah he's a they got in some heat for just openly supporting trump a few years ago oh wait no

it's not spiked it's much worse than that his hair is like fucked dude it's like oh you know what i bet he had hair plugs but for a while like he had a receding hairline that was bad and he would comb it up and then just have like a bowl cut thing done at the front but it's super thin for like five inches of hair that's awesome i think he got hair plugs which makes sense i would have in his predicament as well or just fucking shaved it yeah he's also roided out um he dresses like the city of miami as a person this is, I like, if everything goes really bad for me, I want to move to Miami. I don't know.

You know, it's been on my mind. I got Georgia, Florida. I want to be a Miami King. I kind of want to be like a, I'm going to be George Masvidal, I think. You're like, I'm going to become Cuban. Is there a surgery you can have to become a Cuban guy? I think I would be really interested in something like that.

I think that's something to look into for sure. Oh yeah. What are you looking at man? I was looking up Jack O'Walkerson at Worth. He's the CEO of Bang Energy. $124 million roughly roughly he's doing okay um anyway look it seems like you're just trying to barge in with all this useless shit just talking to me out of your ass and i'm doing research i'm doing important stuff over here you know have you looked him up yet i am looking him up right now all right let me see here i was looking at crank bin tickets uh penis penis that'll be fun i'm looking forward to that i'm

looking forward to it too man yeah plus you said we could stay at your house for a whole week after like you said i said you could live at my house it's gonna be such a blessing because like i really don't want to pay like utilities and stuff anymore like for my phone and like you're taking over all that stuff it's gonna be huge so me and eden were talking about quitting our jobs and we're like you know uh you know who who can we talk to that would let us live with them rent free and we could you know who do we live close to you know you know you it's you jake right and you're gonna really help us turn things around because we've got gambling debts we've got yeah you know we we've got we owe money to bookies a lot of shady people right dude i got fronted

six kilos of coke a few days ago i don't know how i'm gonna sell you that that is i know we're just ripping talking shit but like do you know i'm trying to think about like who who a front six kilos and who b who gets fronted six what's that like market price 25 to 40k so it's 30k a kilo. It's somewhere in the middle. 60 times 30 is math. What is that like? I said six. Six. That's 180 grand.

Just, you know. For a guy like me, it wouldn't be that big of a deal because I know a lot of people. I'd probably just put it on Twitter and say, does anybody. I'm looking to sell six kilos. Hey, I have a, not a joke, by the way. I'm not joking not joking here's my address here's a picture and a video of the six kilos i'm looking to move about 200 grand worth of yak um and if anybody sees this like if you're in the dea or whatever like just don't look at it like no retweets no free clout but i am trying to turn replies off you're like now nobody can yeah yeah or you're sending it in DMS and you're like,

no one gets it, dude. I've been, I've been added to some truly, truly dubious like group chats and people like, uh, you know, always joke like,

man, you know, if anybody were ever going to hold this, we'd all be fired. And I'm like, not me. You're the one sending, you know,

you're just, you're typing out, you know, the N word chain and like me, I'm just, I'm a big chance for guys. We're just trying sending, you know, you're typing out the N-word chain. Like me? I'm just a spectator. I guess we're guys who are just trying to self-focus it. Yes, yeah, that's also.

Well, when people go to meet up, there's always someone who's like, hey, I want to be in Philly. Are you going to be working? It's like, oh, no, I actually have those days off. Cool, do you know anybody that's got like Roxy or like Vikes? And they're like, yeah, actually I do. Oh, okay, cool. Do you want to like hang out for like four days and eat pills like yeah actually i do okay cool do you want to like hang out for like four days and eat pills 100 yeah okay swag and i'm like i hope you guys have a great

time like i hope you guys truly just just i hope you boys because i don't i don't do painkillers no more but there's always going to be a dark part of me that thinks about the time in my life where it was just me and like four guys and we were on a stinky couch that stunk and stains and it's just sticky and you're just you're just watching fucking the lorax just to have something on you know and you're just like uh hey do you do you have work today and they're like no it's saturday and i'm like no man it's uh it's tuesday and they're like oh yeah i mean i guess i don't have a job no more there was a my buddy jay the guy who i told you like shit his pants on the couch or whatever we we were uh this was like heavy all of us were like i mean i i guess like we've talked about before i never really got too bad into benzos i mean when i got prescribed them i did

but i was you know that was a different time at this time i wasn't doing too many of them but i was you know eating a lot of fucking painkillers and we were literally like in a living room we're like partying midday. Like we'd all called into work or skip class or whatever and partied, kept it going, kept it going for like six or seven days, just didn't stop fucking. And like towards the end of it, all of our stashes have run out. We're all out of the money, the little money that we did have.

And, you know, we're back to reality. And, you know, I'm sitting there and my buddy Jay at the time time he doesn't do him anymore but he was sticks were like his thing street pressed no matter the color no matter the nickname that was his game that was his drug of choice and he was like man that's all fucking so long when did we start and i was like thursday he's like fuck man that's a tough one he's like i was he's like did you call in and i was like yeah i called him for a couple days uh but it's like you know i, that's a tough one. He's like, I was, he's like, did you call in? And I was like, yeah, I called him for a couple of days. Uh, but it's like, you know, I'm a bartender. So whatever. He was like, thanks God. It's fucking Sunday, man. You know? Cause he's like, I got a fucking office gig. And I was like, Oh buddy. We like woke up like on the couch,

like next to each other. Like he was on the other one i was like buddy it's fucking 10 a.m on tuesday man he was like tuesday i was like yeah you don't remember you called in yesterday he was like and i was like yeah man no you don't think i i don't think you have that internship no more and he was like uh i'm all right like i was like he was just like, oh, you know, like, and I think, again, I think back on the time of my life and I'm just like, obviously very sad and depressing and funny to talk about, but it's like, it's just a liberating time when you're like, oh, I don't have any money and like my life's over, swag.

Well, you know, like, I'm sure you've had, like the time you told me you woke up in the back of your car where it's like, or at the lake where you're like, oh, I don't I think I threw my keys in the lake. I'm in the trunk of my own car. Ah, whatever. That's like literally that I had so many moments where I was like, oh, I got fired from like a really important job that I really wanted and I don't have any money and I'm late on rent and I've pawned a bunch of shit. And like everybody's mad at me. You know.

Oh, well. Yeah. What are you going to do? Now if I write something together. Probably not. Yeah. No, it's like now if I write off lunch or if like I use the card for lunch, I'm like, I'm going to go to jail.

I'm going to go to jail for the rest of my life. It's weird how quickly like you're like like you're like perception of damage to yourself can change because it's like three years ago four years ago i'd be like i can't pay bills they're gonna shut the lights off my roommates are like we gave you all the money to keep the lights on and i'm like oh that's fucking that's fucked up that you did that so it's all up my nose you know like in my belly you know it's in my belly and they're like well you're a piece of shit i'm like yeah and i didn't care that much at the time and now i'm like well me and thomas went to lunch uh and eden was there and so um it was about a hundred dollars so i'm gonna go to prison for five years for

for like tax fraud or something like you know that's there's no way that i don't get fucked on that guy uh but you know living i think if anybody has lunch they should go to prison uh dude you know what we missed out on man and we should have applied Because they're just forgiving Oh, the PPP loans? Bro, dude, god damn We didn't even have a company back then We did, we did, they were giving them away

We had just opened the S-Corp Dude, we had zero employees We had never reported making any money at all I'm saying We just had the name of a company that was on file with the IRS. They were not giving us $50,000. Well, here's the thing, man. Is it like I keep reading about these people that like started an LLC and they got like 10 grand.

They didn't get 50. They didn't get the big cheese, but they had, you know, now they're going to somewhere. They were going to jail. Yeah. A lot of them are going to jail for like a long time. If you had like a shitty business, like a fucking tire shop or a pizza restaurant, you're good. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck about those people. It'd be very funny. But if you're a single mom, curtains for you, like you're fucked. As often as me and you post about like, or like we joke about our lives both on the show and on Twitter, like having like a prosecutor for on the show and on twitter like having like a prosecutor for like the irs pull up like it's a picture of you like you have like a hoagie and a birkin bag like a 25 000 rolex and you're like podcast is doing good and they're like they're putting it on a big powerpoint screen and they're like uh mr white uh just question for you it's

showing me on a different zero-turn mower every week, but it's like the yard is never any greener or anything. It's not mowed. Yeah. The grass gets taller every week somehow. Is it true that you spent your $25,000 PPP loan for, checks notes, Boss Hog uh on a jet ski and a golden chain of pikachu smoking a joint you're like no and they're like all right well exhibit a here they pull up it's

like me and you in a live show it's it's on a video yeah i just spent all my ppp money you won't on a jet ski jet ski and a golden pikachu chain yes sir i bought that i bought that tommy of fort You won't believe what I'm on. Yeah, Jet Ski. And then the golden Pikachu chain. Yes, sir. I bought that. I bought that, Thomas. Call me. Of Fort Worth, Texas. Thomas, that is me.

This is my co-host and business owner, Jake Rhodes. He bought a lifted Corvette Stingray. Not sure how you even get one of those, but he got one. They said, Thomas, how the fuck you spend 700 bucks at Panera Bread? Because I got it like that. Yeah, because if you walk into Panera and you say, I'm willing to spend $1,000, they let you do whatever you want. They'll find a way.

You could piss in the ice machine. I've spent 100 bucks a month there just to smoke cigarettes inside. And when people tell me, you can't do that just because you put 100 bucks on the counter i say fuck you and i piss all over them and i shit on my pants and i fucking leave my uh i'm homeless my dad uh he told me that uh like this was somewhere between it wasn't recent but it was after like the smoking ban like in the the early, very early 2000s. I think I was like five. We were talking one time and he was telling me, he was like, yeah, after, you know, after they shut that down, you know, every hotel you go to, and this is when he was like traveling a lot for work, or he would go work on a rig somewhere like in Louisiana.

And he'd be put up somewhere in like a hotel or a man camp. And he's like, yeah, you know, when they first changed it, you know, I mean, what am I going to do, not smoke in the Best Western? So he would tell me, he was like, I would put up my debit card up there, you know, and give it to them. And I'd smoke, you know, five, six, seven packs of cigarettes in there a week, as long as I'm not at that hotel. Two, three weeks you're on the job or whatever, doing turnaround stuff.

And then, you know, in between, he would cancel, he would leave the hotel and cancel the debit card, like, not before he checked out. He would, like, he's like, oh, I got to go to work. Like, on his, you know, like, on a day off or whatever, he would go to the bank and then just cancel the debit card and they wouldn't check i guess and he's like you can't charge me for smoking in here good luck finding me i'm like did you did you do like catch me if you can scam fraud stuff so you could smoke marlboro lights in a hotel room and he's like yeah

like cool it's like you're doing like oceans 11 shit just so you can like break a very easy so he get new debit cards or yeah he would just go report it stolen or like lost or whatever and they would just give him a new debit card for the same account but the debit card that he gave on file would cancel. So I guess he got the room for free. I mean, this is 20 years ago. I'm sure they've got stopgaps now for that type of, you know. Also, he wasn't staying at the Ritz.

You know, he's working on a fucking, like, an oil rig or a construction job. So he's staying, like, you know, America's best. You know, the hotel room that me, you, and Alex stayed in or whatever. Yeah. That was pretty nice honestly it was when you told me it was for truckers i was like all right he's gonna be fucking you know it was actually pretty nice man you found a good deal on it um yeah yeah uh now the hotel we stayed at in buffalo that one kind of sucked but

it was in walking distance that was good um buffalo texas um i want to go back there man i think i seriously think i could kill 10 people there and nobody would know there are so many like little towns like uh, whenever I drive through Columbus, I'm like, I could rob somebody here. Like, it wouldn't be. Now, the problem is. Feels like Red Dead, honestly. It does. Well, the thing is, is that every place in Texas, you know, you can't really.

It's like the Wild West out here. Like, I think about whenever I hear about people doing robberies here i'm like come on man like you got to go somewhere else like you can't be you know 10 year olds here have pistols or whatever you know these gun control laws i'm telling you if you think you're gonna take my fucking my pistol dude i'm gonna show you my fucking asshole? I'm gonna show you my fucking asshole, man. I'm gonna show you my little fucking... I dare any so-called badass to try and bust through my front door and through my robust ring camera system

and scour my house for goodies and treasures, coins, doubloons, things of that nature, successfully, without getting pinned straight up against a wall, red dot on the back of their forehead, my tongue all over the back of their neck, me fucking them in the ass

to death. You think you can come into my house and not get fucked to death. You think you can come into my house and not get fucked to death? Hey, Beto O'Rourke, how about a piece of my pork? You know what I'm saying? You want to take my gun? You're going to take a whole lot of dick.

You're going to take all five and a half inches of this sword. You know. And that's on a good day, by the way. Hey, AOC. Never mind. That feels weird to do it's only like hold on it's it's actually not aoc it's cool if i'm fucking a man and this for some reason it feels weird it's not sexual to me so yeah it's i'm doing a joke if i'm unscathed and i'll just pretend you aren't here because yeah i don't want to joke about physically assaulting a woman yeah that kind of was not really what i was going for i just don't know too many politicians hey kirsten cinema i got a movie

for you uh oh i got a movie for you how about uh you don't take my guns and I don't make any casual strange. Hey, Nancy Pelosi, you should probably just keep doing what you're doing because I think you're going to die soon. Yeah, you should consider being violent to you. Nancy Pelosi, you constantly outbeat the smartest investing computers. I think there's some inside job going on there with you, but I will say that you're old, and I will not be violent towards you. I will treat you with the basic respect I'd treat any other human being.

If you make some cookies, like some old lady cookies, even if they taste bad, I'll eat some. I'll try them. But if you're Ted Cruz or Beto O'Rourke or Governor Abbott, I will violate you sexually. I am showing you my fucking nutsack. If you're some guy like fucking... Dan Patrick or Dan Crenshaw or fucking whatever.

They're not going to take away. Why would they take away the guns? Oh, I'm just talking about fucking them. Okay. Yeah, that's all right. If you're some kind of... If you think you, Brad pitt can come into my house and take my uh mail or something like that just be ready to sit down for a long cup of tea with me

while i discuss my latest interior decor ideas and maybe we have a little spa day i got a massage table out back i've been practicing on myself right out in my backyard i oil myself down daily so i can tenderize myself for work yeah because i work oil field and i don't want to be all tough i want to be tender i want to be tender around the guys i want to be tender and limber yeah and and strong, I work scaffolding, so I got to think about my stretches. And I got to think about reaching angles. My boss gets mad at me when I'm not juiced up and oiled. Yeah, my foreman gets real pissed because whenever he goes to finger me, if I'm not good to go.

Yeah. My job is I wriggle through AC vents, shafts, to entertain the guys who also work at Radio Shack. Yeah. And I like to take off my uniform, and I look like a big earthworm up there. Yeah. And when I come down, they all slap my belly, and they call me a bitch, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Because Radio Shack ain't even open no more,

and they don't pay us or nothing. No, in fact, it is an empty store in the mall, but I am in there making it. They got one Game Boy charger they're trying to sell. They've been trying to sell it for 10 years. I don't even know if they charge Game Boys. I don't even think. I think about.

I played one. I'm young. I'm 13 years old. I'm a baby. I'm a little boy. Some people think I might be the best scaffolder, the best teenage scaffolder anybody's ever seen on any of these jobs. I work, you know, I work how I need to work. And that's what a lot of politicians don't understand.

Because when I'm in the AC vents and i'm wriggling like a snake and i'm doing my earthworm magic to the various parts of the building right i know the blueprints i know the layouts and nobody else does if i wanted to do a crazy heist at radio shack and i wanted to steal the most bad a pair of earbuds that 2009 ever produced right you couldn't stop me and if you think you can come into my house and I won't wriggle out of a pair of chonklas like I was a damn crazy internet spider or something, I'll come up into your shoe

and I'll cause a great big mess in there. And it's not going to be gunk. It's not going to be slime. It's going to be blood. Yeah. A lot of people underestimate the wildness of a 13-year-old earthworm, man. You know, they don't understand how greased up we can get.

I remember the first time I popped out of my uncle's belly at the dinner table and caused a big ruckus with my huge prank. Yeah. There was a huge riot going on. Everybody was so mad at me because I was all. Everybody beat me with a big spatula, a wooden one. Because, you know, the last thing you expect when you're done saying grace is a 13 year old boy popping out all greased up out of his uncle's belly bug you know a lot of people don't they don't expect you to they haven't even watched

alien and i hadn't either i again i was born in 2006 you know i'm a little boy i'm tiny i'm tiny you could fit me in your hand i'm like a little kitten yeah i'm'm a little boy. I'm tiny. You can fit me in your hand. I'm like a little kitten. Yeah, you know. I'm like a little kitten. Are you going to pet me? Probably not. But I am limber. Because I'm slimy. I'm slick. I'm slick and I'm limber and I'm slimy. I'm slick as a damn water hose when the damn nozzle's leaking.

And it's wriggling around and you're saying, whoa, get back here, water hose. I got to cool you up. I got to cool you up. And I'm slipping around. I'm in your hands. I'm out of your hands. Where am I? I'm in your shoe. I'm in your boot and i'm causing a mess you want to mess in your boot well don't

mess with my guns right if you if you think that a bunch of kids getting killed is going to stop me from being a slick little slimy little buggy bug you got nothing but if i was in that uvalde shooter's boot i would have stopped it before he put his boots on to go do the mass shooting. Yeah, before he even, before them cops stormed in in a panic. I would have tied his shoelaces together. He would have tripped and falled. Yeah. I mean, you know, before them cops stormed in and accidentally killed a bunch of them children.

Yeah. I would have tripped him up pretty good pretty good you know with my earthworm tricks you know um i mean he's he would have still not actually killed any of those people it would have been he maybe got two of them but i but i it would have been mostly the uvalde police department that if i had been in a bunch of boots at the same time which once again is hard for me as i'm a human eight year old yeah i'm a human but i limber, so it ain't that difficult. I can make it work. I'm slick.

But I am... And I got a skinny ass. My ass is just as thick as the rest of my body, and there's nothing wrong with that. You ever seen the wrist of a cheerleader? Too many. That's how thick my ass cheeks are. I've got a skinny ass.

What's wrong with that? You think my ass should be thick? Well, maybe my guns should be thick. Maybe my clips should be fatter as fuck. Yeah, maybe my barrel should be thick. Think about that. Maybe I should be shooting... Stupid Ilhan Omar.

Bitch. I'm a bigoted... I'm a seven-year-old boy, and I'm racist. I'm a bigoted earthworm human man, 13 years old. Look, it's one earth, and I'm one worm, but there's a lot more worms than there is earthies. Oh, you're from Somalia, and you're Muslim? I'm a worm. Yeah, I'm a worm. Try being a worm here in America, bitch.

Try being a slicked-up worm man that comes out of his uncle's belly. They don't got worms in Somalia, do they? They don't, because it's all dirt up there, but not wet dirt. Hey, how about you make a choice, Somalia? Is it some or is it all of you? Coming over here and taking my damn guns. I'm going to make you worm, Ali, because you don't understand about how fucking serious I am about my guns. They don't want earthworm.

They want new earth order worm. Exactly. I'm an old worm. We live in and we only make tunnels for the government and we wouldn't get to wriggle around in AC shafts no more. I'm an old worm. I'm 13 years old. You know how long earthworms live?

Not to be 13. You can't feed an old worm new dirt. No, you can't. He would die because it's not his habitat. And my habitat is my house and my guns. If your name is AOC, I've got something for you to see. It is a petition. Again, I'm not going to say anything weird because it's only okay if it's a guy.

For some reason, I don't know why in my head that's morally for me like it doesn't need to be crossed yeah morally for me I can say is gay sex not legitimate sex in my mind I don't know I don't know I don't know maybe I might have issues

still would it be absurd of me I don't think it would. Let me break it down for you. I have no problem. I get no spinal cringe. I get no back of voice head saying bad if I say Ted Cruz. I'm going to turn your hole.

I'm going to turn your hole into just sort of like one of them turnstiles in the subways in new york it's just gonna spin around and guys go in and out now yeah i don't bother me when i say that but if i were to try to say something similar about you know just anybody else it's not who are you thinking of now it wouldn't it would be weird if you're thinking of somebody it would be very morally bad for me as a 13 year old lubed up earthworm man for me to say aoc mate you know you know so all i'm saying is you're telling me that if if you were to walk up to barack obama and you told him'm going to squeal you like a pig and I'm going to make your inside squirt around like a big wet pancake party

where they haven't turned the grid along. Exactly. No problem. Because you say stuff like that a lot. Because I can. And here's the thing, Barack, I will say that to you. Now, you know who's an exception to this rule?

Hillary Clinton. I feel like it's fine she's um uh she's kind of in a gray area hillary clinton because she is a pedophile and she is known to have tendencies um right she has been cross-dressing openly for some reason decades now just for some reason you know i can say you know i'm gonna cut your penis off betto and i'm gonna and i'm gonna sew it back on backwards and then make you fuck yourself with it that don't bother me none but i can't say i would say the same about a rashida talib uh or you know it just again she's kind of a good lady from what i understand i understand she's one of the only regular good like need more of that you know just you know yeah i don't do i

know really what she's done no no she's made some bad votes i think but i think on the whole she's not a piece of shit now if i were to say bernie sanders i'm gonna i'm gonna fuck you all right i got a hypothetical for you marjorieie Taylor Greene, can you say weird? I want to drop an anvil on her head. I want to kill Marjorie Taylor Greene, but in a Wile E. Coyote type way. I don't want to shoot her. But if she were to get smashed by a boulder like that, that would be funny to me.

Yeah, you know. I don't want her assassinated. I want her to like accidentally light a stick of dynamite because she thinks it's a candle yeah and just get turned into like dust or whatever that would just be funny her and lauren boat lauren bolbert they remind me like you know the meanest girls in the high school you went to that what became like registered nurses or they bartended Chili's. It's like that.

The fact that they work in political... Did you see the Occupy Democrats thing? Colin Boebert? Yes, I did. Dude, that was bad. It was like, hey, we think this woman might have been an escort. Retweet if you think this is true. And it was a picture of her in linger lingerie from like, dude, like 2001.

Yeah. Well, she's younger. So I'm like, how old is she in this picture? Because I don't think she's, she's at most like 20 in that photo, I think. So I'm like. I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong. She's a piece of shit or whatever.

Her husband is too. But that was just, it was. Well, I guess. It was like, I appreciated that they were like oh by the way like we're we're terrible people too by the way the whole occupied democrats thing is like it's funny the only two like the one thing that unites like maga people and like disney liberal like retards is like war and then like gotcha stuff they're like herschel walker oh he says it's bad for people to not know their children well he's got three illegitimate kids isn't that funny it's like no he's a cocksucker like he's like i know you're trying to do gotcha politics whatever but like he's just a piece of shit and you shouldn't use these children whose lives like probably are not good hey this guy's homophobic isn't that funny

here's his 12 year old son yeah yeah yeah well like they like they tried to do that with matt gates where it was like he's a sex trafficking homo and i'm like i understand that this if this is true that's funny but also it's like can we stop with that like i don't really i'm i'm not trying to fucking do i'm trying to make really any point i'm like why the the the like the the intuitive response to like the like lib mind to be like uh you know oh yeah so this guy thinks pedophilia is bad he fucks so many children and it's like can we we don't got to do that man like he this guy's a pete like i know it it fits your like response in your brain but like can we we just don't we don't got to be doing that you know these kids like anytime some

republican that's like gay sex ew gay marriage ew and they find him in a hotel getting his cock sucked by a fucking rent boy they like put the kids instagram all over the news and they're like look at the whore that belong and it's like ah we don't gotta just say he's gay and he's fucked up like you don't like it's too much it's too much you gotta put jake's name out there yeah you don't gotta the dick that i sucked in 2000 you know i had to get by dude oh the worst one i've seen was lindsey graham because the democrats were like really if lindsey graham is straight then why do all these gay prostitutes all corroborate the theory that he has a bunch of weird fucking warts on his taint yeah an asshole that he calls his ladybugs yeah that's a thing dude that's all that was a piece that was like

they were like gotcha and everybody was like that is so fucking disgusting please don't fucking bring that up ever again we can you can tell he's fucking gay he's not yeah no he's great his name's lindsey well like he's here's the thing about He's not. His name's Lindsey. Well, like, here's the thing about Lindsey Graham that's funny to me is he is a very, he is a dying breed of gay. He is like an old Southern belt, like a 1935 Kentucky gay guy where it's like. Yeah, just let him be gay. It's fine. Let him be secretly gay. It's too hot out here.

It's getting, I'm getting attention. I'm getting sick and tired of these weak Democrats. I'm getting so tired of these, this gay mafia. What come to my house, you know, and with their little flags. And they don't, what big problem for me is, you know, none of them, you know, are my type. Little Asian, little tight little Asian boys. I guess if you're not a little Asian boy, you belong in hell. But if you are one, I'll take you to Fogo to chow.

You know, what we need right now is more big, strong men at the border. We need big Christian men with thick hardy cop blonde haired muscular men down there and we're not getting them we're getting these big rugged thugs yeah big old big old guts big black a lot of tattoos not tasteful at all yeah never read southern living in their life and no it's like where does it stop because if i can't sit on my back porch and have a nice mint julep from time to time right in my america then maybe this isn't the america i grew up if i can't get fucked in my ass in north 40 of my wheat farm by a fucking guatemalan man named chico what got a big old thick pecker you know i don't see why i should be for abortion when i can't get my

dick sucked by a thailand you know kickboxer you know when i was a young american man in my 20s uh unfortunately there were many gay prostitutes growing up in tuscaloosa alabama where i was but at least they they all looked like lance bass yeah or like at the you know at the very least like sort of a an errol flynn type right rugged handsome you know and i didn't like seeing him that little sissy strutting around i really didn't like it no Now you got all these... It's like, who are you? Gabriel Iglesias? Yeah. What are you throwing that thing around for?

Do you think I want you to suck my dick with your fat belly and your Dominican Republic tattoos? Do you really think I want to... I mean, there's all these... Do you think I want to get stretched out? I got guys every day coming into my house stealing all my sweet tea, and just laying naked all over my house. Some of them, they're bringing kids over.

I got kids. I got kids. At my state, just lying around. Yeah. Not doing chores or nothing. They just kind of live on the ground, you know. And they wear tattered, sweaty kind of clothing and stuff you know i i mean that bad baby you know she makes her music you know and it's fine for me but that bad bunny now we talking you know if there's one thing that

i can't you know growing up if there was a bad bunny we we would discipline it. And what we would do to a bad bunny, rather than bump their reggaeton music, is we would take its little gingham trousers and we would bend them over and give them a little spanking. We would whip them down. That's what we'd do if he was stealing carrots. I would say to Mr. Bad Bunny, say, go pick your switch, bad bunny.

Grown up, if you were a bad bunny, you would not get to invade. They're invading our corn fields and stuff like that. And they're going on little adventures with their little friends. They're climbing under the broken parts of the fence. And what they're doing is they're ruining our garden. Now, what I'd love to see, rather than a bad bunny, is more good bunnies in my country. If you're a

good bunny, stand up for yourself. You know? Play in your own pen. And eat your own kids. Peter, Peter, Cotton Eater. Yes. I've got so much more to say regarding cotton, but I really like the

bunny idea. Yeah, I, you know, if there's one thing that I love, it's a nice thumping little rabbit boy. I love thumping rabbits. They're cute. If you're a good white little bunny, and you've got strong legs and you run real fast, I mean, me, as Senator Lindsey Graham, you know, gay, homosexual, southern Senator Lindsey Graham. I, you know, I will catch you and I'll make sure you're good money. You know what's funny is him and Mitch McConnell and Jeff Sessions, they're all like from the south or whatever. And they all represent like types of old school southern guys.

Jeff Sessions is literally like, I hate black people. And then, you know, Mitch McConnell's like, well, you know, we got to think about the economy. It's so funny that Mitch McConnell is like an objectively smart guy. Yeah, no, he's very smart. And what's funny to me is he represents like an old educated type of fucking

piece of shit that's like you just academify racism and then you have lindsey graham that's like i just think you know if you're going to come over here you should be willing to grease your hole up i think lindsey graham is also from that i mean i guess they all are they're all like they're well i'm saying that it's clear as day that Lindsey's gay to me because Jeff Sessions and Mitch McConnell are just old racist white dudes. They're not gay. They're just, they don't like black people or homosexuals or women in general. But Lindsey Graham is like, he just, he grew up in the wrong time. If Lindsey Graham was born like 20 years ago, oh, he'd be on TikTok, dude.

He'd be making fucking like painted nails workout videos or some shit. I don't fucking know. He'd be on Instagram, dude. He'd be making fucking like painted nails workout videos or some shit. I don't fucking know. He'd be on Instagram plugging fucking Adidas boosts. He'd be doing MasterCard commercials. I don't think Mitch McConnell cares about politics that much, like in terms of actual ideals. Oh, no, I think he just wants to eat oatmeal, but it's his career now or whatever, you know? No, I just think he's – I mean, obviously, it's not like you're going to – He's a cocksucker for sure, but he's a career –

I don't think he has any real morals. No, in the same way that I think Nancy Pelosi is the same thing. On the other side, she's a Democrat or whatever. It's like, no, they don't. Neither of them motherfuckers, they don't give a fuck. No, I am 100% convinced that Mitch McConnell or Nancy Pelosi, they just don't. It's not.

Oh, I was going to say we were talking about Uvalde. Did you see matthew mcconaughey because that's where he's from yeah dude i fucking this country rocks dude like the one person that we need to see and dude uh people i went to school with that are like well-meaning people dude and they're like just kind of run-of-the-mill liberal you know they don't like still with her motherfuckers just people i know that i grew up with they were like what a moving speech by matthew mcconaughey i just it's what we needed right now it's just some semblance of sanity and i'm like dude this i understand kind of where you're coming from where it's like all right like

you know that let's not pretend Matthew McConaughey gives a fuck. Like he doesn't like, I don't think that guy gives a shit like at all. And then a, why the fuck do you need to be? Why the fuck, why do we need to hear from Matthew McConaughey? I don't give a fuck if he's from Uvalde. He's who gives a shit, who gives a fuck like at all in the slightest if you care about what matthew mcconaughey has to say about the fucking tragedy that happened to evalde get fucked you're a piece like i do not well jake before i was gonna cry about it but then i saw he had it handled and i knew in that moment there's no need to really feel bad for these people anymore Because look if something happened

In Peaster Texas They would just have like a guy Who owned a car dealership Come out there and say something You think fucking Joe Biden would go out to Peaster He would have to speak at a gas station Yeah he'd have to hang out in the middle of He'd have to hang out in the middle of... He'd have to hang out at the fucking high school

gym. We don't have Matthew McConaughey. The only famous person we have is a guy who wrote Conan the Barbarian. And he moved somewhere else and he died. I can't think of anybody who's famous from Pasadena. So I don't know.

I have no idea. The former speaker that was Jim Wright was from Weatherford. Oh, okay. It's just like, dude, I can't. It's the same vein to me as the beginning of COVID, the Imagine video. Dude, that was bad. That was like, I understand that it was not going to be good. From the concept, there's no way that was going to work well.

But the execution was somehow much worse than I could have imagined. The fact that it was over Zoom was incredible. I love Chelsea Handler and Ellen DeGeneres. I think it was Chelsea and Ellen and one other actress. But they were making a video, okay, and they're on the patio of their walled-in estate, and they've got the pool, and they've got their little cocktail and a little glass,

and they're in their robe, and they're like, you know, big sprawling manner, clearly in the background or the foreground, I don't give a fuck, and they're like, you know, I want to let everyone know that in times like this, it's about togetherness.

And it's about the fact that we all suffer the same. And I'm like, suck my penis on soft from the back, you stupid bitch. I don't. Yeah, when that video came out, everybody had been at home for three days. I've been on house arrest for five months. I was like, suck my dick, everybody. It's not that bad my house is even that cool and it's like you know it's like you have like four hot tubs at your house i'd love to be

a house arrest and and ellen degeneres's manner yeah dude it's it's again like it's old hat it's like you know dead horse or whatever but it's just okay. It's like, you know, dead horse or whatever. But it's just, okay, the general, I guess, that I'm getting at is, like, Tragedy X happens in Americans of all creeds. Because my mom is like a diehard Trumpy. Like, good old fucking Southern Baptist woman and loves Matthew McConaughey. And she loved the Imagine V, all this shit, you know. I'm like, the only thing that unites americans because in this polarized world we live in this stupid fucking dog shit is when a celebrity a fucking like a lister actor or you know a leading lady gets up and is like we all live the same lives we suffer

the same and right now what's important is is that we you know, we experience this together. It's like, all right, that's sick. Somebody makes you like foie gras every night, right? Yeah, like you, you know. Did you hear what Jeff Dunham said about 9-11 too? It was really moving. He got one of his, he got a brand new puppet out he made it jack off i don't know how he was even moving the hand can you imagine like you could see both of his hands in the video and the puppet was jacking off he's making a second he just has a little boy with it

like a little kid yeah i was like the collapse of the american economy like china overtakes us gdp in like five years or whatever and jeff dunham releases his new special he's the one of the did you know he's like among the top five paid and watched comedians in this country i had yeah it has to be because of like vegas and shit, here's the thing is that he does global tours. From my understanding. I believe it, but... Like... I mean, Gabriel Iglesias sells out stadiums, dude. He goes to Saudi Arabia to do stand-up, dude.

Jeff Dunham does? No, Gabriel Iglesias. Who the fuck in Saudi Arabia wants to see Gabriel Iglesias? I don't know, but I've, you know... I mean, not even to perform comedy. Who wants to see him walking around? All I'm saying is

this, like, what is so lovely about there's so many great things about America, and this is Welcome to the Leftist Podcast. I think my favorite I think my favorite thing is just, like, in times of crisis we have no we you know fuck the founding fathers they're not invoked for any reason we have

no heroes we have no one that we trust we have no fucking you know like real goddamn doubt we have mark walbert like that is like that is all i remember seeing this video yeah this video with some celebrity there was like an older guy or whatever who was saying he had he was talking about how people are so generous or whatever um i think it was a comic yeah and he was like yeah i went to do this show in sa Saudi Arabia, and they paid me really well. And after, I got to meet this sheik. It was awesome. He was so nice.

And I complimented this watch I saw he had just because I thought it was cool, and he just handed it to me. It was like a $300,000 watch. So generous. He's like, people are so nice. Like, imagine being on, like, the Lolita Express. Yeah. As that guy, and you're like, dude, these people take such good care of you.

Yeah. No matter where you go, you're going to get good service. Well, something that, like, this is fucked up. I don't care. You know what? All the gloves are off. It might have been Chris Tucker, actually. I got to check on that.

Hide your kids. We're getting deep into Padeo time. We're going no PC, all gloves off. No PC. I'm trying to think. You're on the Elite Express, and maybe you're a guy like Matt Groening or Chris Tucker. You don't know. Maybe you know a little.

Chris Tucker was on there a few times. Okay, right. He was on there a lot. Maybe you just went with a friend. You don't know who Epstein is. You genuinely don't know. Maybe you're like a C or B lister, or you write for SNL, or you write for The Simpsons,

or you write for Family Guy. A lot of the people on those lists that were just nobodies but were celebrities nonetheless and you know you're you're you know chart like uh fucking Chris Tucker is like hey man I got fucking something like I hate this guy Jeffrey he's got a fucking plane he's got his own island nobody's out there man and he throws the best fucking parties and y'all are on the phone so he's not gonna fucking tell you he's not gonna tell you about the shit that he would he probably might lose you and he wants to hang out with his buddy so you get on the phone chris talk and he's like hey man you know we got all sorts of fucking i don't know why i'm making him sound like this we got you know we got we got yeah i saw you got

a hot one buddy just playing you know it's fucking crazy or whatever you know and you're like all right you know i'm a celebrity like i'm a writer i want to hang out yeah i'm a celebrity let's go yeah you want to hang out with a-list get on the plane you're on the plane with fucking chris tucker and bill clinton and matt groenig and fucking you're on the like you're on the plane with with fucking uh you know real powerful heavy hitters and you're like, goddamn, this motherfucker does know how to party, all right, Chris, I see you, or whatever the fuck, and you get to the island, and you land, and you're like, holy shit, this is sick, wow, I didn't know motherfuckers got down like this, and you go up to Chris Tucker, and you're like, hey, Chris, what's this motherfucker do,

this Jeff guy, what owns this island, and he's like, oh, you know, he does some wheeling, some dealing, he's friends with the big wigs, you know, like, he runs money, and he's like oh you know he does some wheeling some dealing he's friends with the big wigs you know like he runs money and he's a money guy he's a real smart guy he used to teach at Dalton school up there in New York a lot of actors come out there you know and he's like oh yeah that's cool okay sick alright that makes sense

you have some cake you have some fucking cheese you have some fucking wine you have some beers maybe you go out to the beach you do a little swimming in the ocean you ride a jet ski you snore some coke You have some fucking wine. You have some beers. Maybe you go out to the beach. You do a little swimming in the ocean. You ride a jet ski. You snore some coke. You have some fucking pills. Midnight rolls around and they're like,

alright, so we're gonna head over to the cave. That's where the real shit happens. And you're like, oh, they got a cave in this motherfucker. Jeez Louise! Y'all wheel on over to the cave and you're like, we're gonna fucking listen to techno and do some molly, do some real celebrity shit. And you get in the cave and there's a fucking cross in there

and they got like a ten-year-old girl on it. Like, what do you do then? Do you just leave? You can't... You've already rode the jet ski! You already fucking did the pills! You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't, you know... You're in there. I'm not absolving

nobody of guilt. I'm just saying Like you don't, you know, you're in there, you know, I'm, I'm not, I'm not absolving nobody of guilt. I'm just saying that if you probably got a hammock, you can hang out. Yeah. I want to be the guy who goes on there like 70 times just for free food. Well, do you know what's funny is that is literally Alan Dershowitz is excuse. He's literally like, I, you know, know me and my wife we didn't do anything fucking you know you know I did I see the girls massaging Jeff yes did I see Jeff penetrate 15 of them yeah but me and my wife were like 100 yards out by the beach so you know it's not you

know like literally he's like that's his excuse he's the hammock guy which is awesome like is it's just that is so great but i i do i wonder if like if any of the people in like jeff's black book or whatever you know like the big leaked list it's like it were any of them just people that were like oh i'm just gonna go hang out with like a big wig because that's like it's hollywood you fucking you know you i don't know about hollywood but you read, you hang out with fuckers. You just, you go to a party, you go to Jamie Foxx's house and you drink a bottle of Dom and you throw up in his hot tub. Ah, hang out with Jamie Foxx. You just go to an island to fucking ride a jet ski and then you get invited to like the worst type of party any motherfucker's ever, you know.

Well, I've been to some bad parties, I don't know. You know. any motherfuckers ever well I've been to some bad parties I don't know you know can you imagine going to a party in Peaster, Texas or Weatherford and you're like man this party kinda sucks and they're like well just wait it gets pretty buck wild after midnight

it gets way better and you're like oh we got a bonfire we got a couple kegs and they're like even better and you're like alright I'll hang out

and around midnight they just wheel in a bunch of like 15 year old checklists yeah like in wheelbarrows yeah yes we're gonna party tonight yeah i wonder like i genuinely i wish i wish jeffrey epstein like didn't know how to party like they got everybody got at the island he had like some like skunked keystone light yeah dude he threw like uh yeah he threw like a shit kicker party.

Yeah. Where there's like, there's plenty of beer, but there's like 55 dudes and one girl. Like a bunch of dudes in fucking Wranglers. Yeah, everybody's depressed all the time. Yeah, everybody's in Cavender boots. And it's like, yeah, I've been working about 90 hours this week, but you. Dude, I just cleared 88. Yeah, my fucking, my old lady's up my ass you know

it's like you know nobody would fly on his fucking plane I would imagine but the great thing about Jeffrey Epstein is is that you know he's still alive yeah I mean say what you want about him but he was a good guy he was

I like the idea of like trying to rehabilitate well the elon musk thing was like when those pictures with him and like jelaine were released he was like i was at a party i didn't know you know i just i wasn't sure you know how it was going to play out you know i was just i remember i remember my old landscaping boss, whenever that whole Epstein thing was a big deal or whatever, he was like, yeah, it sounds like he just kind of got cooked for having the best life ever. And I was like, what?

Yeah, what do you mean? And he was like, well, I mean, you're rich as fuck. You just hang out with rich people. know it's like by a certain time you probably just get bored with like regular pussy you know and i was like i don't know i don't really know if that's how it goes and he was like i mean you know like probably one or two of them ended up being what like 17 yeah that'll happen i was like i think they were like 11 I think they were like Kids I think he had like

A bunch of kids That he bought Like from their families And he was like I mean you get bored You know you got Billions of dollars What are you gonna do

I had a very similar Conversation with The bartender I work with He We were talking about it Like when it happened I was I was bouncing at this bar

And we were bullshitting about it and you know he and and he was i made the point that i was like i wonder what comes first like the pedophilia or hollywood like do you you go to hollywood and you get subject to it and then sometimes some people fall into it or are you a fucking pedophile rich guy and you get into the industry and he was like you know what man you know if you're so rich you know you can have any type of pussy you want you know you fucking you can fly to asia private get some asian pussy you can fly mexico he's like well what's the one thing that you can't have society tells you you can't have and And I was like, I don't fucking know, man. Heroin?

He's like, no, you can't have that young pussy. And I was like, oh, fuck. I was like, I gotta go check outside. He was like, nah, man, like, that's the one thing, bro, society said. And if you a rich motherfucker, like, if you a real-ass motherfucker like Jeffrey Epstein, you know, like, you got everything you want. And says you know oh you can't have you can't have that teenage pussy so like you know I'm not saying it's right or nothing but like you know he you know he made what he won't happen and I was like talking about it like you're like defending Chief Keef or something yeah like how he was raised you know like shooting at the police living in the block yeah he's like hey you know I'm not saying

what Chief did was right but he had to fire on the police because they fired him and it's his way no i think like the point he was trying to make was like like i i don't know if he was trying to be disgusting but i think he was saying like yeah basically the same question i asked is like do you just get so rich that you turn into like a depraved like sick fuck like some people just you know and i'm like maybe then maybe it happens but the way he worded he was like you know you get all tights pussy if you want to fuck dudes you can fuck talk about it like the limitless pill or something yeah yeah what if there was one thing yeah it would change it all you can fuck men you could fuck women you could fuck trans women you could fuck an animal the one thing society says you can't fuck

can you have it coming this winter yeah as i think that was his thing like i i don't know it was a very weird conversation because by the way i'm drunk i'm just trying to kick people out the bar and he's like you know so like you know and again i'm doing the voice he was a white dude he was a white guy from san antonio uh total wigger like malibu's most wanted he was like you, you know, a motherfucker like him, you know, like he's got the private jet. Like, who's going to tell him who to fuck? And I was like, Interpol, the FBI, you know, fucking the U.N. I don't know, man.

I'm not even sure who all was pissed at him, but it was a lot of fucking people. And he was like, yeah, but it's like, you know, you know you know i mean he got down like this how it goes man you know you want to you think you a hard you think you a millionaire try to get you some young pussy i'm like i don't man i make like 10 bucks an hour yeah i was like you make a dollar more an hour than me man you do make tips but you give it all away to college girls that might explain your position on this matter dude that the same bartender uh i went to get my tip out uh my first night there and my manager was a close friend of mine uh this guy nicky he was like he's tip out man uh i was like oh thanks and uh he was like hey will you go tell will you go tell johnny that he uh you know you know he's not getting tipped out and i was like, hey, will you go tell Johnny that he's not getting tipped out?

And I was like, he's a bartender, man. It was fucking packed in here. And he was like, oh, it's your first day. He was like, so this guy, he would buy girls shots. Like, they would go to buy shots, and he's like, are you trying to buy me one? And they would be like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, you would go to buy shots he's like you trying to buy me one and they would be like oh yeah oh yeah you're gonna buy our shots like we'll get you one if you're paying for it he's like oh yeah little mama anything for you he would buy rounds of like casamigos and fucking expensive shit and he would do that all night and then he would end up owing the bar like all the money he made that just went to the bar like he would have a good night for bartending three four hundred dollars and he and like i would have to give him his tip

out and it would be like six bucks in there he's like god damn man was the fucking stack that's night bro what the fuck is this and i was like well if you check the computer you gave away like three hundred dollars in shots and he was like oh yeah makes sense and i was like there rules i think he sold on the side i will in fact i know he did because he offered me blow and i was like i had just quit or whatever but i was like how are you this chill with like you had a good night you made 300 bucks for like eight hours of work you're like ah no straight it's all good straight dude uh a buddy of mine i think you met him uh frank uh he was at the live show so uh this this guy was a horn dog dude this this bartender i work with johnny and uh he uh dude he would now girls did he was

an attractive dude girls did he did get a lot of play from working at the bar and buying girls drinks. Got a lot, you know, he was always leaving with somebody, usually. And, like, after work or whatever. And I text Frank, and I was like, hey, man, you know, his little sister was in town. She was visiting schools, transferring from some community college back where they were from. Anyway, so she was like, hey, y'all come through Halcyon. I got y'all in a couple drinks i can't pay for y'all's tab but you know i did have a little bit of a break that i could you know buy some shit anyway so they they show up they have a couple drinks and his little sister's there his youngest sister there's like

he's got like a middle sister and then she i think she was like 21 and this dude is old as probably like 30 at the time and anyway so they're they're sitting down, and, uh, uh, Frank comes up to me, and he's like, hey, man, bartender helped us out, you know him, and I was like, yeah, he was like, uh, he's been staring at my little sister's, like, uh, like, into her, like, butthole, like, not just doing a little, he was like, he's, I've caught him, like, looking just doing a little he was like he's i've caught him like looking you know he was like can you you know what's up with him and i was like oh he's a fucking you know whatever and uh he was like you know can you anyway i go up to i go up to him at the bar and i was like hey man every girl on this bar you can feel free you know there's one you can't he was like i pull whoever i want you trying to

make a bet and i was like no i don't give no fucks about anybody in this bar i don't give a fuck about any girl here i'm telling you that that five five italian guy out there he's got a sister that's here and he might not look like much uh but he is a psychopath he he'll rip your jaw off like a monkey you know he's like he's just you know sick fuck or whatever and if you keep staring at his but he is a psychopath. He'll rip your jaw off like a monkey. You know, he's a sick fuck or whatever. And if you keep staring at his little sister's tits, who's 10 years younger than you, by the way, he's going to come back behind his bar and kill you.

And he was like, oh, she's 20? Nice. I was like... I'm back. I was like, that's not, you know... What happened? I can't hear you. You're gone.

How long were you gone? Oh, okay. Hey, that's it. Bye.