Pendejo Time - classic

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

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send him something awesome yeah it's fine I don't want to fucking get into it people are just there's no there's no need there's no need in this life to be so cruel and so bitter and so hateful you know the world's cruel and bitter

and hateful enough you gotta have a smile on your face you gotta have a fucking cheery disposition you gotta be fucking you gotta be cheek to cheek every goddamn week you know what I mean and I don't mean with your

I mean with your butt, I mean with your smiles, smiling cheek cheek week after week. That's my new mantra. I know that for the last little while I've been kind of a debby down on the show, but I'm trying to let all of the effort that I've put forth not go to waste. So my new mantra is every day, greet the day, greet the day with a smile and a wink. Wink at. Wink, wink, wink at your neighbor. you know, we get the lady that lives across from you.

Are you ever, like, taking a back? I don't know how, like, because I know, you know, the stereotype with New Yorkers is that they're all grumpy, but I am always kind of taking it back when people are like, hey, man, and it's just, like, in the street or something, like when people just randomly are like, hey, dude, hey, brother, hey, what's up? I'm like, oh, hey, it makes me feel bad,

because I'm like, duh, this guy is trying to be, A human being. You know what I mean? He's trying to be like a nice guy and I'm like, oh, fuck. Anytime I see somebody at the grocery store and I don't want things to be awkward, a hello angel, greetings from heaven. Like somebody you know or just like? No, somebody I don't know, and then I don't want it to be awkward.

So I say something like that. Yeah, and then just a... Hello, I sense of an excitement from you. Are you excited by me? Are you excited? Just my presence. in the milk oil excite you? Do you like my aura?

Is milk exciting to you? Do you like when I radiate joyful vibes in and around your general area? Your cart is full of joy. You might want to empty out some of your joy before you put in all that alcohol. How is your area?

Is it good? Your wheels are amazing. You have the best handle shopping cart here and you I see that you have a lot of alcohol in here. So it means that you're like... I love your grip on that shopping cart. White knuckle. Ah, your feet move so fast.

Especially for your age, which is huge. I love the ratio of alcohol to food in your shopping cart, which is what looks like 80-20. Oh, I love how many disposable bags you're getting. Yeah. Do you do canning with Ziploc? I love that you have seven bottles of wine and one thing of sandwich meat and one thing of bread

That's the winner's ratio If you if if if when you're when you go to the cart When you go to checkout and your ratio of alcohol The food is like 70 30 That's that's called the fucking The golden The golden ratio The golden fucking golden gambit

I remember one time I was not in a very good place mentally and I tried to buy I think four or five different kinds of grape soda to try them at home and then my card declined and Central Market they said oh dude it's really no big deal

we'll put all of them back and I was like no I can really put these back and they're like no we'll put back all this grape soda man no big deal and I was like no really seriously it's not a big deal I can do it myself

And they were like, no, it should be, it'll be easy because it's all from the same exact same part of the store. You just got everything from that part of the store and you wanted to try all of it and you didn't have any money. Back in 2015, there was a gas station by my house that on Fridays and Saturdays,

they did three bottles of wine for $9. Or three Mad Dog 20s for $9. and the wine of course was like acetone you know what I mean it's like shit that you'd strip fucking like varnish with or whatever the fuck and mad dogs mad dog and I remember

going there and the same thing happened where I was like okay I should have like $12 in my checking account I think and one of the random Apple charges had cleared and I had my mad dogs up there and the card keeps declining I was like

you don't have $9? and it was one of those moments in like a really dark period of my life where I go I had like an epiphany like colors got brighter and I was like you know what no

I don't have $9 I don't have $9 like I don't have I'm 25 years old and I don't have nah this is before I don't have $9 I don't have money to move There's nothing wrong by the way

with being 25 and having $9 I want to get that out there I get that out there in the fucking in the ether Yeah it made me Like for like two or three days I was like I gotta stop I think I got to stop drinking

Man and you know Man that that That feeling is so incredible That three days where you're like It's I'm It's a I've made the decision It's over And I feel so good

And then like Well it was hard But finally fixed everything finally on the right track yeah I've saved up well I haven't saved anything up

because I haven't gotten paid yet but I've saved I've saved a lot of time and I'm just thinking about all the time in the last few days I've spent not drinking when I could have been spinning and having fun drinking

really good to think about but finally where I need to be time to change change my Hinge bio to something more productive. Yeah, yeah. And time to hit back some old flames. Let them know that kind of started to turn things around and they don't need to worry about any of my old issues

because those are several days behind me now. Those are gone. I haven't drank in six days. Yeah. Hey, hey, listen, I know we haven't talked in four months, but I haven't drank in six days. I just showed up to a week straight of work, so I just want you to know. Full five days in a row.

I used to love to text like that. That was awesome. Hey, I know things went sideways, and, you know, we said our goodbyes, but, you know, I've had the same job for a month and a half. And so I just wondering, like, if you want to maybe hang out, you know, if you want to, I don't know, maybe we can. If you want to maybe meet up with me and some friends from work, which is a job. wink wink Which is a job with money Yeah

Working job Making money Making sex Yeah No drinking me Want sex What sex What's that old

That old meme that's like Yeah I'm gonna go get help I talk to the lady I saw that meme And I was like There was like I think there was like

Three or four years Where I think I sent Some version of that At least like I remember one time I tried to be like Yeah I've been listening In Rex Orange County

Trying to like Be more in tune with my like feelings Yeah I've actually opened up a lot recently I'm a remote drive Yeah Have you heard Mac DeMarco's new album is actually really good.

Yeah, he plays a guitar on it and sounds like a girl. I've been going to therapy and not learning anything because my therapist is a 24-year-old girl and there's not much she can do for me. Actually, working on an album right now

just kind of about everything that's going on. Kind of like a collection of feelings, I guess. Yeah, it's called Blue Wind Music. It comes from a really dark place, but it's turning out really good. Really, I think, like, historically good. I don't play any of the instruments very well,

and most of the lyrics are kind of about how I want to drink beer, but I think it might be the next big thing. Actually, I think that's like Alex G's first three albums, so, I mean, if you're out there and you're thinking about it, go ahead and do that. Yeah, he never really did get the instruments down, just sort of more of a thinker.

He's very good now. I love the old stuff, but sometimes it is fun to go back and listen to, like, the stuff from when he was like 16 and it's like it's like the music that would play in the head of a serial killer it's like bingas I'm like oh that's nice

I thought he was I didn't like his music till like two years ago yeah I would hear one of his songs and I would turn it off but he you know he's one of those guys

he's very funny where he circle back around to it and you go All right. I get it, yeah. Same with Towns Vanzan. I used to not like Towns Van Zent growing up. Yeah, I had the same thing with me where I was like, hey, Mr. Winer, shut it up. Same with Neil Young.

I go, hey, man, how put you talking in a normal voice for me? Warren Zvon. A bunch of my buddies were in. I still don't like Warren Zavon. It's hard, but it's worth it. I don't mean this in a negative way, but I am glad that he's dead so he couldn't make any more music. And then you have guys like Blaise Foley where you're like, why couldn't you just live forever?

Yeah, yeah. Why couldn't have you made 100 albums called Big Toad Goes to the Town? Man, I would have drank so many beers to Big Toad. God damn it. Yeah, this one is the best one's about towns. And him went down. down in Austin and you know he got a hold of some of that china and we kept calling him big toad because he kept going into the town anyway the same song a hundred times some live

recording I heard of him where there's like a one minute pause yeah and then he's like in the middle of one of the songs and then it's a different song about him having sex with an armadillo and it's like right after like a pretty heartfelt song if I recall yeah somebody else probably knows better than me there's some real fanatics out there blaze foley heads yeah dude for sure yeah yeah I think it's fucked up that of all the grunge guys Billy Corgan is like literally the only one that's not dead

I guess him and Eddie Vedder but like like Scott Weilin Lane Staley Kirk Cobain Chris Cornell they're all dead and I had to like the same I love the mash of pumpkins But I remember when I first heard today And you know

He's like Pink rib and Skye never fucking I'm like dude Man the fuck up brother Life's not that bad You got a gay Japanese guy You hang out with And you got a fucking cool blonde girl

She's addicted to heroin You guys are in Chicago And making music What's so fucking bad about your life And then I read about his life And it was just pretty bad But Remember one time

1979 was playing on the radio My friend got in the car He says, what the hell are you listening to, man? This is so weird It was like a classic rock station Yeah, yeah That's just a random thought I had No, I love that song

He's one of the goats, dude He makes a good song Yeah He definitely would have been probably good if he died Before he looked like the way that he does now But at the same time, I don't wish that on anybody. Right, right, right, yeah.

Yeah, that was always my thing where it's like, I think if you're, you can't age into, because the hair metal guys aged bad and we all got to see that happen and it was like, oh, man. And with the grunge guys, they all died relatively young.

And so you didn't get to see them like, I don't know, like Tom York loves Israel. I'm pretty sure maybe like maybe Chris Cornell, you know, I think Kurt Cobain, and correct me if I'm wrong, everybody, but I think that he was very pro-Israel, and I think he was also pretty transphobic.

Anyway, Jake, what have you been up to? Just touching out to that. Yeah, I know that Paul Walker was a pedophile, but that's all I know about him, honestly. I don't know anything else about him, Paul Crusher. he died he died driving the car too fast that's why yeah he was getting roadhead and it was it was vin diesel doing it and um the crash was so bad his jaw clint's really bad

and it gave him black guy voice um okay but it's one of those things vin diesel is black i think uh yeah i think he's like I think he's enough to where he can claim it you know what I mean for sure well we all are then diesel is uh he has a twin brother um uh but uh he's like perfectly ethnically and big racially ambiguous it's almost because in some movies like in triple x sometimes he'd be like yo oh no no no and then his middle name is sinclair he's definitely black yeah yeah for sure and then other movies like cron the riddick like pitch black movies he had he was doing white guy boys

vin diesel i am riddick hey my name's uh riddick do you like my chronicles uh do you like where the hell are my chronicles i'm riddick by the way mark sinclair vincent yeah that is a that is a white black guys name if I've ever heard it in my life dude my name is Mark van Vincent van black guy

my name is Mark Sinclair Vincent Van Black and I've been in every fucking and apparently I have been me toad was he but the charges were dismissed

oh okay and it was only one incident who knows he was accused i think of grabbing boobies yeah that's what i was gonna uh i was gonna say i think he was a booby grabber uh i'm a booby grabber so why don't you why can't i touch them

please they are very large i'm a booby grabber and i'm at the whole foods Bozo Eagle Bozo Nightmare Man My God, yeah Beck It's a Beck

A boob Pek A peck A bag How about Brass Breasts Breasts

Brecks Brecks Please Let me see you boobs I'm the boobie toucher And I'm the booby graber It's like a hack thing at this point, but like, it really, like, kind of crazy that, like, pretty much up until, like, 2005, if you worked in an office and you were like, you could just be like, hey, hey, Barbara, that's a great set you got on the end.

She just had to be like, thanks. Thank you. I still do that. Did the guys at work? Yeah. and whenever I see a hot lady walking down the street I go

Hey, Zazi Mama Why don't she show us your honkers And then I take my belt off And I Swinging it Yeah Swinging in and hitting myself

One of the funniest fights I ever saw Was one of my old friend Sebastian Who's kind of notorious for Kind of ruining the vibe just getting drunk, get into fist fights. We went to this party, this, like, U.T. Frat House, and one of the fraternity brothers was, like,

you know the, like, super-Americanized Pakistani guys that have, like, the Jerry Curl kind of Jake Paul thing, and they're like, hey, what's going on, or whatever? But they don't, you know, they go by, like, like, Rafi, but that's not, that's, like, only part of the name. The name's long. Anyway, he brought his older brother who was not Americanized at all. And him and Sebastian get into it over something.

I don't forget what. And the guy did the thing from the videos where he took his belt off in one of his shoes and started trying to smack Sebastian on top of the head with his fucking sandal. And he was like, in the other hand, he was like 20. He had the other hand had the belt. He was like whipping Sebastian with it. And Sebastian, me and him, he used to get into fist fights. He's pretty good.

He fucking can throw him, but he didn't know what to do because he was in a fight with a guy where culturally that guy's weapons of choice and his attacks were unknown to Sebastian. They were unknown to my friend. Me and Sebastian got into plenty of fist fights before. And he's a big dude, and he hits hard as fuck. Shout out, I think he listens to his show. Shout out to my buddy, Sebastian.

I hope you're a good guy I hope you're doing good now Anyway yeah dude We were in the stairwell of the apartment And the guy's like you want to fight with me And Sebastian's like yeah dude we can run it I don't give a fuck yeah let's go Let's go downstairs

And then the guy takes his belt off with one hand And then grabs his like lift You know they're like they're slippers But they probably cost like a thousand dollars They all the Saudi guys wear them They look like Tom's but they're made of like leather He took that off and then just like Started hitting Sebastian in the head with this

sandal and hitting him with the belt by the way this was doing zero damage to sebastian it's just sebastian has no idea his hands are up but he's getting hit with a shoe and a belt and he's looking at me and he's like he's like laughing he's like what the fuck and the guy's like pussy bitch ass fucker like trying to curse in english it's not working and eventually you know the match was just like fucking two-piece him and then the fight was over but i was like i wasn't getting involved because I was like this is the funniest shit I've ever seen because this because it's true these guys have culturally different attack modes

that Americans don't understand we just don't he was taking off different articles of clothing and like just slapping him lightly on the top of the head with his shoe which is again 1 HP 1 HP 1 HP like

nothing bad was happening which hey if you're in if you're a part of that if you're a part of that if you're if you guys do that type of shit that's fine i don't give a fuck hello i think i lost thomas suck a fuck a suck a penis um i'm here i'm here sorry you were just you're just you're scrambled it's so good though can you hear me Are we still going?

Hello. Hello. It's still the same. It's still recording. I would just make sure it's recording on your end too. Yes. It says... Yeah, it says recording.

Actual recording is higher quality. Cool. Yeah, anyway, so he was just getting all different types of attacks and different types of pieces of clothing being hit with them, which I just thought was so funny. I've seen videos of Indian guys and when they get into fights they like jump up and slap the other guy on top of the head and that's like the Indian equivalent of like like a like landing like a right cross like a nice clean one in a street fight people go oh you know that's the world star moment is just like jumping two feet off the ground and slapping the guy on top of the head which is badass I think that shit's so sick I'm like how did you guys get to this point how did you guys how did that culturally become the fighting the fighting mechanics

yeah I remember I remember I felt like whenever I worked with the Latin American guys it would be like fingering and stuff you know what I mean whenever they would start fighting it would be like they would be trying to just grab each other's assholes

and balls really they could like trying to try to get pinches in like trying to because it would like play fight fight kind of but then it would get a little more serious and then they would be groping each other even harder you know pinching nipples and

and trying to get their hands under each other's pants you know what I mean? Stuff like that but imagine it's all like 40 year old guys who are all five feet tall I didn't know when I was doing a lot of jiu-jitsu when I first started and I was wrestling

I didn't know that people were always like joke about like the oil check like that's when uh you know you got the guy like cradled like you're like on top of him you've got his back but you don't have his back where you could choke him he's in turtle or something and you guys are facing each other and uh basically in order to get him into a more advantageous position an old school wrestling move oil check you like you literally bowling ball grip his fucking singlet where his asshole is and then you move him and i remember my old my first coach i ever had the first grappling coach i ever had i was like i don't know 15 16

he's like yeah if guys are being real stubborn in a turtle you can you know just oil check them they'll move and i was like oil check and they're like oh yeah you grab so you grab where his ass is and then you move it and i was like are you telling me in order to win that i need to finger another it's not that's not happening i'm not if i can't get to this if i can't get a submission or like get a pen like and I've seen guys do it like at super like high levels collegiate Olympic levels you'll see guys fucking do it

they just like bowling ball grip and then move the guy by his butt or by his asshole really and I'm like nah nah that's not for me I would be really mad if that happened to me I would get picked up from the inside no thank you

no thank you do that to the next guy not me but you better respect If you think you can do that to me

in my house yeah with nobody watching no you got another thing coming

you got another thing coming after we've just watched a wonderful movie had a fantastic dinner no

yeah don't don't hold your breath yeah that's got to suck that's got to be no good but I mean

I'm glad that you're that type of shit one of my old co-workers who was really red really red one of the reddest guys I've ever met borderline purple

white guy he had a heart attack the other day and he's still alive but he's 46 and looks close to 60

yeah he's got a few teeth left um jet black hair basically made out of leather from Michigan but has a really strong Texas accent yeah okay

and he used to tell us he's got you're sitting down you can handle this news a huge 10 inch cock he said and he said he fucked his wife every night with it

and he always pleasureed her and I'd always I was asking him, I'd say, do you go down on her too and give her oral pleasure? And he'd say, hell, yeah. I could get him to say really specific stuff. He'd be like, yeah, and I'd finger her too. Like, I would get him after he said he fucked her. You just try to get him to say whatever. Yeah, I would just get him

to say whatever, because he'd be like, hell, yeah, a bust side of my old-ass wife. But I remember him bragging that he'd also fucked his wife's best friend. Oh, nice. With his wife. Oh, sick. And then he came inside the lady. Oh, that's sick

He came inside of her with his huge rod And she honestly loved it And she worked at Costco with his wife That's sick That's awesome And I remember going to my boss and saying Hey, have you heard about Mike's story Because I really like it

Yeah And he said Dude, that motherfucker has been telling me For three weeks about how he fucks his His wife's friend like my boss could do nothing about it his employee kept telling him

about this horrible horrible skin cancer threesome a melanoma off it's funny as fuck to work with a guy like for like a couple weeks and you're like you just clock him as close

to retirement and you're like oh this is just like an old pervert and you know there's a couple guys I'm thinking of them like ah man It must be nice, you know?

Like, what? What you got left doing this shit? Fucking 10 years, 15? Then, man, it's all golf and fucking tiki drinks, brother. He's like, nah, I got another 25, 20 years of retirement. And you find out that this guy that you've been hanging out with that's like your coworker is like 42. I just thought he was an old pervert because, yeah, same deal. He's just like, yeah, every night.

Every night I'm dicking her down, you know, every night, you know, I come home. She don't even care that I stink. And you're like, this is just an old sexual divot. Yeah, she eats my ass and it's full of poop when she does it. And then I shit on her. Dude. And I fucking eat her arms. I boil her in a big pot with turtles.

I worked with this big, big, fat fucking Mexican guy, dude. Like easy 400. though and we were all playing poker at this bar in south houston called hawks and uh he uh i don't know how we even got on the conversation dude uh i was drunk i was talking shit and uh he was like uh oh we were talking about like you know like you know some guys were like no i don't go down him all day that's fucking gross or whatever and he was like yeah you know bro i got to because you know she'd be returning the favor and we're all like oh yeah like yeah she gives you head yeah And he's like, no, no, no.

Nah, sometimes, like, you got, sometimes, he was trying to sell it, like, an old Buick, he'd be like, sometimes, like, you know, she'd be eating my ass. And, like, the card game just goes silent for, like, 20 seconds. And we're like, what? And he was like, he's like, oh, no, you get a knock it to you try, bro, like, yeah, yeah. And sometimes it's just by, like, a little accident. Like, she just kind of does it. And then, yeah, you know, but that's, like, the best shit.

And I wasn't mad at him for it. Because I don't care what you fucking do in a privacy year on home. I was mad at the lady because I worked with this guy and he would always be like yeah man I'm these 712s run I ain't shower I'm I'm I'm I'm shower man I got I got mad chafage I'm chafing real hard I gotta go get some they all he carried around a thing of like a gold bond powder that he would put on his like thighs and nuts and ass sometimes I'd use it too because I was fat as fuck at this time as well I was mad at his wife I never met her but I was like you cannot be eating this he does this man did this 500 pound man's butt

you can't be doing this it's simple i do not i refuse to accept it he has to be lying or you need to be locked away in the jail for the rest of your natural born life he's oh yeah bro sometimes sometimes when we're getting crazy like you know she just be she just like that and i was like fucking yeah yeah i was like no dude like i don't care that you like i fucking i'm concerned for her because what kind of what kind of what kind of lady is she you know what i mean like what is she got going on up top you know what did her life look like that led her to that lifestyle realistically like for lack of a better term pro she's probably like a fat slut would be my guess i had to like make a general roll the dice yeah you know i don't think

you know the next uh you know marie curie yeah right is also married to a 500 pound Mexican guy yeah yeah that's a good point that's a good point yeah yeah probably a functionally a woman of a similar caliber

right yeah yeah most likely yeah maybe she wears a nice picnic blanket dress or something like that for when he comes home and they do their thing but yeah I don't want to I've had enough of hearing about other guys asses. Yep, same.

Same. I've had. Within, and it's always, you know, there's guys where you know them well enough to where they bring it up and you know they're going to bring it up. Yeah. But when you do it, when a coworker, if you were a coworker of mine, don't ever let me hear anything about your asshole.

I don't want to know if you even have one. Yeah, yeah, it's best we just think that we just got Kendall. I do remember Mike shitting his pants. Like 9 in the morning, one time, and then just wiping with his underwear and then going. No, just straight wrangler cowboy cuts in the trenches all day. I remember because it was horrible whenever I had to, you know, wash his body after. That was part of my job. I had to wash all the laborers' bodies.

To wash the foreman's bodies. Yeah. Yeah, I had to clean the foreman and his family. before I could go home. So his cousins and uncles and everybody would come and I'd have to wash the foreman's family. Off the fuck. Sorry, I can't hang out tonight, babe.

I got to go wash my foreman. I got to scrub. I got to scrub the foreman's. I got to scrub the pipe foreman. I got to scrub the crane foreman. And then I got to scrub the warehouse foreman. I need to massage my journeyman. My mill right is he needs to be washed.

dude whenever there was like a row of porta potty's that sat at the very entrance of the plastics plan I worked at and there's like 30 or 40 of them because there's a really really really big like job site it's the biggest job I'd ever worked and uh um and I was always like

like double dare 2,000 like prices right like you open one door I don't even know how you do this I don't know how you do this I open one door and there's just a spray of human shit like where the back of the toilet the back of the porta potty hole meets the back wall there's just there's just shit

and I go well I guess I can't use that one so I close it and then I go you know what these are occupied occupied occupied I go to the open one then there's just a full a full turd like full shit on the toilet seat and I'm like what Absolutely not I don't have any answer for this

This is fucking as mysterious To me as like The goddamn Younger Dryest theory Like how the bearing straight How did Native American How are you If you hover your asshole Over the hole

In the porta potty Your poop goes in there It's one of the easiest things you can do It is one of the easy You learn it like fucking If your hole If your hole is bigger than the toilet hole it can be harder.

Well, I see, I see that. I also think maybe some guys are so fat that it kind of just, if it's not a proper toilet, it's just going to go somewhere. And that was my running theory. Some of the guys in the site were like big, big ass motherfuckas. But when you go to, yeah, you go to like four or five, six different porta potties and there's just shit like on the toilet seat and on the back of the one on the ground.

You're like, do you just, do you walk out of here and then you just go back to your job? after doing this that's another thing that I think about you go into the porta potty you take your fucking wranglers off

you undo your belt buckle you know you fucking kick your legs apart and you just shit all over the floor and then you go I gotta get back

to welding I gotta get back to fucking oh shit I gotta go I gotta go QC some pipe work fuck

then you've just shit literally everywhere and you just left it there for me to fucking discover is just terrible

awful I feel like people have way worse diarrhea than me yeah I think that I think that too well like no I mean like regionally like oh yeah just in Oklahoma and like every time I went and used a public toilet it was like somebody just blew it up like every fucking time I went to the bathroom even if it was at a bar I'm like who the fuck is shitting like this yeah all the time like every toilet seat was warm

every and every like toilet needed to be flushed again like yeah yeah yeah and I come here I come back to New York and nobody's shitting nobody's eating

yeah it's all dude in my travels in Europe the toilets don't I don't even think Europeans shit like I would go to the bathroom

they'd be immaculate there wouldn't even be a piss stain anywhere I was like no Europeans they just they eat an apple and they smoke a cigarette that's because they piss into their own mouths

and they eat their shit as well that's true I guess it I guess it Children's, all the children's toilets in Europe connect to an old man's mouth. I like, I guess like the answer to the problem, the conundrum that we have is, is it like, at your average job site where you're working 712s, like everybody, 90% of the guys that are there that are working there, they're eating white donut holes, they're drinking about 812s. 18 beers a night. So that's probably the answer to my question.

Kind of the same with you with the Oklahoma bathrooms. It's like, yeah, you're not in a place where people are going to have normal assholes and shits and butts. It's just you are in an environment of fucking horror. You're in a goddamn, you're in trench warfare when it comes to ass cheeks. And it's absolutely game over. Now, they had a guy, dude, they had a guy that worked for the porta potty company. I forget. There's like three of them, and I don't remember.

And he would use one of our pressure washers at the same jobs I was talking about. And it would always go out because it was like, you know, the gas powered, you know, ones or whatever. And so nobody would ever change it or do anything to them. So I was always having to fix it. And, like, he was one of those co-workers that I could tell was so miserable that there was no rapport. I would roll up on the golf cart and be like, how's the pressure washer? And he would just turn to me.

And I could see in the, in through the porta potty door, just fucking yellow, fucking mud. Just everywhere. And he's just like, he's just pressure washing like the entire port of potty. He's getting all the toilet paper wet.

Like he's not being accurate with it. He's like, yeah, that's work fine, man. He's like a 50 year old fucking like toothless tweaker for sure. I don't know how the fuck he got the shit sprayer job. But I would roll up on. be like, I got Eric, how you doing, man? Pressure washer good.

Like, you need anything, brother? You need a bottle of water? He's like, uh-uh, no, no, no. No, I just got to spray shit up out of these. And then I figured, you know, take my sorry ass home. He was like, Eeyore, dude. Like, I would talk to him sometimes. Like, yeah, I mean, you spray shit for a living, go home, you drink six beers.

Your wife don't want to talk to you. And then it's just sorry-ass fucking life, man. It's like, like, he's one of those guys you can't give advice to because he's right. You know what I mean? like what do you say you can't be like hey it's gonna get better man you know what I mean like it's like it's all gonna work out in the end

it's just one of those fucking dudes just yep it's just nothing's ever gonna work out and nothing ever has and there's just nothing you can say except see you next Monday I guess it'd be nice if you had a real pervert work in one of the shops so yeah taking this shit home and

eating it and all that who really is really happy about it Oh, good, dude. I've been actually eating a lot of the shit that you guys have been making.

Yeah. We're going to a teet bar after. Going to the titty bar after you want to come. Oh, yeah, of course. I just got to go eat all the poop in the toilet that you guys left and then I'll be out there. Yeah, man, I'd love to go eat

with you guys, but I actually TMI, but I just drank a big bowl of diarrhea. And it was from you. It was from you guys. If you guys want to go drink pee later, I could actually be down. for that.

Yeah, I gotta love that. Oh, God, somebody got killed in the Port-a-Pi-Body. This sucks. No, you don't have to call the Hasmet Crew. It's okay. I guess I got it. Do you ever have any Port-a-Potty

Jackers that you knew of? I knew of a couple that used to whack off in the fucking Port-a-Johns at work. I've known of. I've known people who have done it. Mm-hmm. But... It seems.

so evil. Usually with landscaping, they you're like one of the last crews to get there. So sometimes they get rid of the toilet before you get there. Oh, okay. Or it's like worst case scenario. Like the toilet's

been sitting there in the sun for like six weeks without getting cleaned or anything. So you might, I just have a solid brick of dew key down in the tank or it might be

just a bunch of bags of shit that people have thrown in there that's pretty awesome um yes so you know I imagine you would make it hard for a masturbatory experience yeah that

that was um it was a yeah it was another drunken after work you know fucking 110 degrees conversation at this bar called neon moon in Leport Texas

and yeah again he never know how you get on the topic of these conversations but you know was like yeah oh you ever jack off in the porta party and i was like no he's like i'm yeah i've done a couple times you know you hung over he rub one out you know helps you get to the day and i was like have you done it at this job and he was like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah just the one time and dude it was summer it was summer 2019 when it was like 110 degrees every day and like you go into the porta-potties and it's just a hot, thick soup of fucking pissing shit and vomit. And I had this thing in my head where I was like, if you're able to get a boner in that environment, like, you're a different level of horny.

You know what I mean? Like, I'm not, it's beyond my comprehension of level of, like, sexual, like, you're in a, The port-a-potties are always 30 degrees hotter than the rest of the fucking environment that are outside. You're going in there with poop, stink, blue mist, and jacking off.

You should be fucking lethally injected. You can't be doing that type of shit. It's one of those things that I was like, no, I don't relate to that, man. I can't relate to that at all. I hope I never have to fucking... Yeah, imagine having to be one of the guys who they poured all

the do into a big sea world type open tank and you actually have to swim around it in it that would be horrible that's a job and scoop of gear

and you have to squeeze to see which turds are soft or hard and just thinking about that makes me pretty grossed out honestly in the idea of having sort of like a wet suit but with the feet cut out

so you can feel the poop on your toes yeah yeah yeah that would not be my cup of tea I think I would quit that job there's a I hate a me fucking sucks ass but Mike Rode did an episode on a saturation diver but he worked at the water

treatment plant for I think New York and he was the only guy that was sort of like certified to saturation dive because their tanks are deep and it's shit water that's all it is he goes down there and he fixed welds and he was like yeah I work one month out of the year but I make like a quarter million dollars I don't remember the exact numbers but they were crazy he's like yeah I work you know I work a season and then I don't it's not really something and micro is like you know it's one of those jobs that not every American wants to do but some got to do

it and it's about that dedication and the guy was like no no no No, I wouldn't, I don't like doing this. He was like, I'm a saturation diver, you know, when works slow and I need the money, you know, kids' tuition, I go to the, I go to the treatments plant in New York, and I weld at the bottom of the poop and piss tank. It's not, he's like, and Mike would be like, you know, well, God bless you, brother. And he's like, again, I need you to understand. This is a job that you would have in hell. This is a job that a demon would assign you for a fucking, fucking. thousand millennia is going down and he was describing and he's like you can't see anything

um and it's all by feel and you find like the you know the thing that needs to be welded and then you weld it under there uh with poop and piss and then you come back up uh and you're covered in you know piss and shit like the suit keeps you mostly dry but never a hundred percent you know um anyway if any of you guys have that job you should quit and do literally anything else I'm the poop and piss swimmer yeah the union I'm a union fucking shit guy

I'm just the apprentice he mostly makes me feel the poop yeah how do you yeah how do you apprentice for that gig how do you fucking even I gotta take my union 15 I guess I'll leave a sandwich down here and the shit

one of you guys pass me a beer I got a call in sick. Turns out I work, turns out I have this job. I got a call in sick. I got every type of hepatitis and a bunch of other stuff. Yeah, I got,

I just regained my sense of smell, so we'll not be coming in today. Imagine being a chocolate welder, though. That would be delightful. For Willie Wonka, the chocolate river he needed under chocolate it's welders for that probably yeah the umpas umpa lumpus yeah they probably were doing

yeah i doubt they're unionized would you fuck one of those or is it gay or they're all guys girlfriend I can't do that that would be cheating is it cheating if it's like a minion or an umpalumpa

if it's definitely cheating to fuck a a creature like if I fuck the lorax that wouldn't be like a hall pass situation I don't think it would be worse it would be worse to bang an animal for sure

yeah speaking eternal animal hey I have some bad news babe I need a cum coin I cheated on you I can't believe you who is she

it's a cat in the hat I've been fucking creatures you know Martha speaks the talking dog yeah but fucking that shit out of Martha Martha speaks two years I've been hitting it on the side

I'm really sorry Yeah. I've been fucking Bear from Bear in the Big Blue House. He's a real piece of shit. Yeah. Me and the neighbor have been Eiffel Towering Bluey's mom. You know salt and pepper shakers from Blue's Clues? Yeah, yeah.

We've been rocking. We've been rocking fucking. Gay sex with the Candlestay from Beauty and the Beast. I'm so sorry. Weirdly. bottoms what is like a good

that's a good wife question is cheating worse with a guy like with a guy or with a girl I would say cheating I feel like it really depends on the relationship

I think um there's got to be sense of relief when it's a guy though because then it's like well it's like like not like a girl that's better than you it's like well he's he's gay yeah yeah but then maybe it's embarrassing i know uh a girl who's her long-term relationship uh the dude was

cheating on her with a guy they're still they they stayed very good friends it was kind of one of those like uh i'm happy that you're gay yeah but yeah she probably wasn't like oh i'm so glad right no at first happened yeah right right oh great perfect just just what i wanted three years of my life wasted three years of my life spent just hanging out with some fucking guy who's sucking cack on the side yeah it is really funny to waste like years of a woman's life it's like really easy to do it's dude it is fucking you can you can waste a whole thing the whole goddare you can get to the end just be like by the way i've been checking off to gay porn for 40 years dude sometimes i think about like like

like you know sometimes you know you know a long-term relationship and you know you're like you know am i doing good am i doing all right or whatever and then i think about how many years of my mom's life my dad wasted like 27 from when she was 15 to when she was like in her early 40s he would just absolutely just fucking just almost three decades yeah I'll get by I'll work on it I'll figure it out I'm sorry

I've been talking to the lady yeah I've been talking to the lady yeah yeah yeah this new gig is it's fucking paying off fast man you gotta get in on this yeah

I mean girls women do it too but it's different there is a different level of like like because like if you're a guy and like a girl like you're with a girl

for a while she cheats on you like in my mind at least it is it sucks you know you get all insecure maybe you start

going to the gym or something you try to have like a redemption arc or something and then you give up on that and you start drinking and doing drugs again

but it's like ah you know after a while you're like whatever I was gonna kill myself anyway

like who gives a fuck um but yeah when you waste like 10 years of just like another lady's life you're like oh I asked me yeah I like that years of another lady's life

yeah a little Freudian slip there from Jake oh no it's okay okay I want to I gotta clear the air I don't need to clear the air on anything

I'm pissed Thomas it's not it's not anybody's fault by my own I had a great set at Lincoln Lodge and I got some good clips from it my zippers down the whole fucking set it's one of the best sets I ever did

and I can't get any to watch the clips and laugh at them because they go your zippers down and i'm i fucking want to blow up the computer i'm so fucking man you should be you put out your milwaukee one then also did you send me the did you send me i tried i tried to and google was like it'll take 23 hours and so i have to rescind it that's fine i don't care it's like a 80 gigabyte file um but uh yeah it was two hours of me crushing in front of thousands of people the Coliseum Yeah

Yeah I was at the eyeball thing in Vegas It was me and uh Sugura I think and we We fucking crushed And there were thousands of people there And we had exotic animals And pyro-technics I brought the fucking house down

And then I went off stage And Sebastian Manuscalco dabbed me up And it felt like sex It felt so fucking good It felt like getting pussy Yeah Yeah Which is

You know We all know what that feels like Yeah It's great It's cool Pretty much universal experience Yeah It feels like the inside

Of a man's ass But a lady And instead of into a man's eyes You should look at the ceiling the whole time Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Yeah That's true

That is true brother A hundred percent on that Yeah Gotta love that yeah i uh i don't i think when you like people waste

you know like years and years of each other's lives it's kind of like the thing about being you know human or whatever but it is funny to like i know guys they're not really friends anymore but uh i see them around

like music scene or stand-up scene or whatever and we used to be from like closer that uh they're like the Matthew McCona... I'm watching the Matthew McConaughey had a dazed and confused thing happened in real life

where, like, um, some people that I used to hang out with when we were 23, 22, 21. You know, they're all like, you know, some of them are older than me,

like in their mid-30s. And I'll be at a show and they'll be like, yeah, this is, uh, this is Tiff. And, uh, go, hey Tiff.

And she's like, hey. And, uh, Tiff will go, like smoke a cigarette or something. And I'm like, how'd you guys meet?

Like, oh, yeah. her older sister is like an old friend of mine and he just like ran into each other and I was like oh you know how old is she

is like oh she's 20 she's real chill though and I'm like damn that time we were driving drunk 10 years ago to go by cocaine I should have crashed the car and kill both of us I should have fucking

drove off of fucking 290 off the construction GTA 5 style slow motion and then just right into a telephone pole and kill us both because it's like

sometimes in my case it'll be people that I like used to hang out with a lot and when they were like 20 you're allowed to have a 20 year old girlfriend then that's the way it works I think if you're like 35 36 no it's an ecosystem man it's it's eternal

that'll always happen there will always be a mid 30s mentally you know not where he needs to be guy dating 20 year old girls and 20 year old girls get to get to get to date a loser at least

once in their early lives usually win more times than that and they learn how to not date losers eventually hopefully yeah yeah and then you know that's where it leads them to normal guys like us is we need those older creeps yeah

to help guide women to normalcy eventually otherwise if they haven't been with the guy like that they'll be with somebody normal and then they meet a fucking loser yeah and they bang him because they don't know what they can't spot it

and now they're banging a guy who's who's you know he's got a necket but he's really into the Grateful Dead and you know and he's got a neck tattoo of Wren fucking Stimpy in the ass yeah

he just and I want to clarify that every Grateful Dead fan is a pedophile I won't say everybody when I was saying that. Everybody but Max. No, and it's especially Max.

Especially hair from Max. And that's really sad because I like Max. Yeah, yeah. And I like Noel Cole. One, he's another one. There's a lot of it. I don't think,

I think their music is butt cheeks. I love the logo. Logo is sick. And I like the ice cream flavor. The cherry Garcia. That's a good ice cream. Yeah, yeah. But I got to say, man, not a jam band guy in terms of recorded stuff.

I'm not going to listen to fish. It just in my car. I'm not going to do that. And if the appeal is, oh, if you take acid and go to their show, you'll have a good time. I could take acid and go to any show and have a good time. That's what the drug does. Yeah, I can take acid. That's what drugs and social stuff.

Then you have a good time from that. Nobody, the problem with drugs is not that you can't take them and go have a good time with a group of people. That's what drugs are. And they're awesome for it. Yeah. It's just that if you want to have everything else in your life lined up, sometimes, you know, an excess that can be not ideal. Yeah. Nobody's like, oh, I hate Coke.

It makes me talk to people and have fun. Like, that's not the... You hate Coke for other reasons. Oh, if you don't like Coke, you haven't tried having fun with it. like with a group of people yeah that i um whenever like half of the house that i lived in with like like 10 other dudes uh half of them were like ravers and i never got i never got the edm rave thing i was more of a like hot garage nine emo bands and there's and they all have the same drummer and they all sound the same and then like two hardcore bands and those also they also

share the same drummer and it's like in a shed somewhere and uh you know you fucking drink hot Lone Star and you smoke a bunch of cigarettes and and, uh, you, you do pain pills and then you just, you know, you fucking hang out in this guy's shack or whatever. And I never understood the rave thing because they would be like, no, like you, you know, you take ecstasy and then you go and you go to fucking, uh, uh, Wizards Forest, it's a three day and you just do ecstasy for three days in the woods and it's amazing. And I'm like, same thing as you just said, I'm like, if you give me three days worth of

Molly you could drop me off like probably at the texas department of corrections just let me do a weekend but if i got molly like i'm having the time i'm on ecstasy the drug is called ecstasy the drug's not called eh it's all right it's literally called ecstasy it's awesome no you when you go there it's and people are so sweet that's another thing like because i was i was not anti-raved i went to a couple and they were fun but i just it wasn't my bag and they'd be like no dude like because the people are so sweet like they're like so nice and they're so welcoming and so loving i'm like yeah because they're on acid and ecstasy that's that's they're candy flipping that's when you take acid necessity together you see you see you see a girl from across the way she sees you and you

you guys talk and you're like we could get let's get married you want to get married like you have no idea who she is maybe she steps on dogs in your spare time and maybe you do who fucking knows or you'll you'll be a new group of friends your best friends in the world it's because you're on acid and ecstasy man that's it nothing against raves they're fun i just never i was like i'm more of like a oh wow this slow core band's good let me

fucking let me fucking eat some perk 30s and fucking fall asleep on this guy's garage couch that it smells like piss nothing like a good garage couch hang chain smoking inside the couch is always a little bit

damp yeah dude and you can dude and when the owner of the shitty house makes the Sigs inside call when you see the first guy light a cigarette inside and you look over

the old guy that owns the place and he goes there's if you could bottle that feeling oh my God it's not like people are like you know casinos you can smoke inside it's not the same smoking inside the house during the party not going outside this is just

chain smoking in somebody's house it's so awesome it's so sick makes you feel like a fucking arms dealer I feel like the guy from war dogs I'm like yeah we used to have one sigs inside party a month

at my old place and I would fucking I'd blow down two packs because it was just such a beautiful moment you know I'm getting nostalgic thinking about it I can't even smoke cigarettes I can't even smoke cigarettes like at all now

I was chief of the motherfuckers while we were on tour I tried to smoke one and I couldn't finish it I mean I could have but I felt gross I felt gross And it was weird like I was like Oh man I think I sucked now I don't think

Yeah You know it's not that it's cool to smoke cigarettes But when you feel like you can't finish one Man that's a real pussy feeling It's a real I mean it's better to not finish one It's better to not smoke one at all But you know being like

Oh hell yeah I'll have one then you're like Oh, actually, my seasonal allergies are going to act up if I'm Dude, I fucked a game up last Saturday, me and J.T. We were acting. We went back in time. We were acting foolish. We were bouncing around doing spots for like eight or nine hours, and we were just drinking.

And I was doing the thing where I was like, okay, I have to drive home at 11 at 6. So I can have seven beers as long. As long as, you know, and by the time the night was over, you know, it is game over. But I drunk, impulsively drunk, bought a pack of Camel Turkish Royals, which is my favorite cigarette next to Camel Whites, which are very hard to find. And I smoked a whole fucking thing in one night, dude. I hadn't done that in forever. I woke up the next morning, like, like somebody had just fucking shot me in the chest with Buckshot. I was like, oh, what did I do?

And I, like, looked in my, I just felt some of my jeans on. I looked in my pocket. I had one crumpled up Camel Turgers Roll left. I was like, oh. I blacked out and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and then drove home. It was like, like, how do I say this? You do that at a certain point in your life and you're like, man, no problem. It's the first time I've done that a long time.

And normally, like back in the day, you wake up and you're like, nice. It's a badass night. I know that I'm maturing a little bit, which is a good sign because I woke up and I was like, dude, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. That can never happen again. That was a one-off, like going in for eight hours, just going to comedy club, comedy club, comedy club, smoking cigarettes, drinking beers, like a lot of guys do that and they drive home. You're not that guy.

Like, I'm not. That's not me. And that guy is a loser. Yeah. So you're not that guy. It's not like you're not that guy and like, oh, man, somebody will be that. guy it's like no no no dude there are some funny very funny people in the scene who i i love and i consider them friends and then we'll leave creek or we'll leave the valve and uh i've paid

60 bucks for an uber to get back samark before like blackout drunk like oh my god that was all my money or whatever and they'll be like all right guys i'm seeing seen this next saturday jake are you doing all stars yeah i'm doing all stars brother all right i'll see i see i see Are you doing Creek? Yeah, I'll see you, Creek. All right. And then they go to get in a car and I go, hey, you get that like in the way that a side quest happens in a game. Like the guy glows orange when you get next to him.

I get an orange light, but I go, hey, what are you doing? It's like, I'm going home. I'm like, oh, you live, where you live? You live downtown? Nah, I live in Flugerville. It's like 55 minutes north. I'm like, oh, man. I have to call you a kid.

cab oh fuck no but hell no no no I never no I don't never happen and these guys are in like their 40s and I'm like dude man a nice booze cruise cruise is nice

I wish there was a theme park where all the cars were governed to like 30 miles an hour and all the telephone poles were wrapped in rubber and you can just booze cruise around a fake city and get drunk and fucking listen to Allison chains and fucking drink and drive that'd be awesome

but that doesn't exist the real world exists where you kill people with your car and you go to jail for the rest of your life or whatever the fuck. But, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not something you should be doing. I think most people listen to this show Drive Drunk. On the count of how many live shows I've gone to where they drink with us

and then they go see you guys, and then they get in the car and then they drive, which, you know. Which is no good stuff doing that, but not a good look, really, for us. It's fine. Trying to have some decorum. Yeah, yeah. No, you know, it's their call. Thank you guys for hanging out with us tonight.

Check out the new video episode up with JT, unlocked from the vault. And then if you are a Patreon subscriber, Patreon.com slash Padeo time, check out the episode I did with Pat Dean, the owner of the Velveter Room. I'm there a lot hanging out. It's my favorite club in the city. It's the oldest comedy club in the city of Austin. Been around damn near 40 years. And, you know, a lot of cool guys perform there,

Carlin, Bill Hicks, the whole nine yards. Jake Rhodes. Jake Rhodes. Yeah, Thomas White, Ben Avery. So go check that out, the loiter room.com. Get some tickets and subscribe to the show. And follow us on Instagram, Padeo Time Worldwide, Jake Rhodes Comedy, Leno Killer. Do I have any spots?

Saturday, I would be at Shakespeare's doing Leo and Friends with Leo Knappka, a very funny guy. Sunday, I'll be doing Wild Card at Sunset Strip, Compt. Comedy Club, and then Wednesday I will be at Bulls at 8 o'clock. These are all free shows, I think, at the Comedy Club of Bulls Tavern. Yeah, that's all my spots. Tommy, what you got, brother? I've got an industry room spot next month at the Broadway Comedy Club. Come see me Thursday, November 13th at 830, and save $5 on your ticket with code Thomas, T-H-O-M-A-S.

Yes. and also you can DM me for the link if you want if you buy tickets to that please let me know because it's a bringer show um i appreciate it but however many you know whatever the number is i do i will probably have to buy tickets so let me know if you don't because each one is one ticket that i don't have to purchase and um so far nobody's been clear people keep saying thank you for the link but i kind of need to i'll be honest with you guys i really need to know because these are expensive tickets and

I might end up owing this comedy club quite a bit of money so I'm really trying to get more shows for you guys and this is really how it's panning out

paying to do a five-minute spot at a club that all my friends are regulars at so I'll see you guys there yeah please go see Thomas at the Broadway

Comedy Club and please come see me it shakes in sunset on Saturday and Sunday and Bulls

on Wednesday all right guys peace bye bye