Pendejo Time - cloaca-aca

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

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Bazinga that's my new thing that's your thing no one's ever yeah well I sort of I invented it a few minutes ago

you know people get mad at me because I don't have anything planned for the show well there you go I planned that in advance

now I'm coasting from here on out I really want like a despotic world leader to say it to say it. To say that.

Like Kim Jong-un or somebody. I don't know. Yeah. Or Lascone maybe. What voice do you think he'd use? I'm scared. You already did that on Monday, man. I don't want to read your... I was just trying to get you to push it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got away with it. I'm trying to get a... Yeah. We got Johnny's son coming on next week. Well, his name's Johnny.

If you've ever talked to the guy. You've talked to him? No. I got a no interaction block like two years ago and just rolled with it. Yeah, same. I got one of those from Arthur Chu. Before I even had like a thousand followers. I think he's just got one of those from Arthur Chu before I even had like a thousand followers

I think he's just got like a who's what's that he's the Jeopardy guy Asian Jeopardy guy Arthur Chu is he

oh is he one of those oh he's an ugly one yeah he's not the he's not the not the Miles Chong no he looks fucked up too

but Arthur Chu no no Arthur Chu he's the one the wife who... Miles Chong. No, he looks fucked up too, but Arthur Chu is... No, no. Arthur Chu is... He's the one who had the... The wife who used to post about how gross he was. Do you remember that? Yeah, but she also posted that he, like, dicked her down good or something. Like, he was gross.

I used to read those, like, 40 times a day. It's like... You know, like, on the bus and stuff. You know, like, read it that loud to myself imagine your wife like five years divorced down the road gets a twitter and she's like yeah my ex-husband was really disgusting he stunk like shit but he dropped the dick off real good so i don't really guess it's kind of a wash i mean i think that's the story i could be getting this totally wrong please don't blame me about it i don't care it's funnier to me to imagine that arthur chew like stunk like fritos and was a total slob but he she remember what she'd call it she called sweet loving yeah

that's right yeah that's right you're right yeah i am i think this is while they were married but you know i feel like uh if that's all you're getting, maybe you think it's good. Dude, that man was absolutely not dropping bundles of pipe off. No, I mean, probably not. But again, who knows? I mean, you really... I mean, it's very common to see like a... You just make the whole room smell like a movie theater. The same type of thick fog.

Yeah, it's like buttery popcorn and like farts somebody coughed in the air a lot yeah i mean dude it could be possible i mean how many times you know i see the whole time you walk down the street and you've got like anywhere between an eight to a ten woman and then the guy on her arm is like. Like just looks like a fucking lunch lady. Yeah. I don't think that's. You know. That's where we need to go.

But I don't know what the nuclear family is. I'm going to become one of those. Trad guys. You seen that? I think it's like. A guy should have a job and a girl should be at the... Well, people don't realize

the only reason I'm really interested in having a girlfriend is because they can do chores, you know? Yeah. I'm tired of emptying my dishwasher. My girlfriend absolutely... she'll be like you know cleaning and giving me like faces while she cleans like what are you doing are you gonna help but here's the thing she hates when i clean because i do a bad job because my definition of clean is not hers

so eventually she's like just get the just go just go the fuck away from what i'm doing and i'm like okay so you can't you gotta like pick one like you don't want my help but you do and uh and so we've entered this really cool relationship where i i cook because she doesn't like to cook she doesn't really like to clean but she does she hates my cleaning level more because i'm not dirty but i'm lazy as fuck. So I won't really clean. I'll just be like, that looks good. And I'll go lay down. I don't really think anybody cares about that. But that's really cool

that you get that dynamic going on. I had a guy one time reply to me. He was like, you're way less funnier and way less cooler Like because you have a girlfriend Like a picture of me and Ashley and I was like By what I mean like by what Metric like I don't really

You're like 90% Less likely to kill yourself But also like Also like dude you don't make me laugh In my little janitor's closet Yeah yeah If you were single and thinking about killing Yeah So like, I was like, dude, you don't make me laugh in my little janitor's closet. Yeah. As much as you would if you were a little goblin. If you were single and thinking about killing.

Yeah. It'd be much funnier if you like, you know, kind of looked at the gun every day. Yeah. If you were still doing cocaine and were like 300 pounds nearly, like that would be super funny to me. Yeah. But like, you're just a guy so it's it's less funny yeah i dude i mean i had someone recently be like like i i think i hadn't really said anything online in a few days and they were like

oh dude you playing it for something big you know you just playing and i was like no dude i'm at work yeah and then i go to sleep when i go home like i'm not you think i'm like sitting in a castle and like like just my next evil plan is no man i'm just trying to i'd like to have a truck someday you know it was very flattering when I worked in the refinery I was on like 712s sometimes I wouldn't post for like cause it was like no phones like they wouldn't even write you up a lot of times they were just like firing

you and so like no phones in the job site especially in like a live site it was like a safety OSHA issue so sometimes I wouldn't post for like two or three days and I'd get a DM from a guy that was like hey man are you all right and i'm like yeah i'm good man like i'm i'm at work i'm in a porta potty right now it's yeah there's shit on the wall so i'm doing pretty fucking good you asked me you need porta potty i don't know what happens in some of those things. I think we talked about this in a previous episode, but blue-collar porta-potties are ground zero, man.

This isn't like all the white-collar porta-potties you might use in Manhattan. In Goldman Sachs. Yeah, all the Johns you got up in, I don't know, North Richland Hills or whatever. Those are the only two rich places I know of. That was Manhattan, maybe, and North Richland Hills in the Dallas area. There's one in San Antonio called Alamo Heights. And it's like... I'm so stupid.

Fundamentally, I don't understand. I'm like... There are only rich areas and places that I've been. But outside of my area of understanding, everybody has like a dollar. Yeah.

I was dating a girl whose parents was in Alamo Heights and I was like, I, I like was driving around there and I was like, get the fuck out of here. Like, what are you like? It was like a new, like when you unlock a new area of the map and it's like not scary and full of enemies, it's like a lot of loot. I was like, yeah. Shit. Yeah, dude.

Fuck yeah. This place rocks. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yeah. Shit, yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. This place rocks. Yeah. Yeah, I love rich areas. Dude, I... I'm not like... Like even just doing like sprinkler work in like a rich neighborhood or something. I'm like, oh yeah, living the high life.

Dude, when I drove for Uber a lot, one of the guys uh one of the people i picked up um one of the guys you picked up you know one of the guys i picked up to suck a fucking fondle yeah uh i go to so there's like this place on ossa's red butt isle it's got like a dog park but like next to it up a big hill like a winding hill near the lake it's a bunch of like 20 30 million dollar homes so i get a call and uh i'm like why i go i'm like where the fuck and like there's a gate and i gotta tell the guy that i'm like an uber driver and i have to show him my thing and i go through the gate it's a whole fucking business anyway i pull up in front of the house and no one's outside but i see through the big bay window that there's like 100 people

in this house and it is fucking sprawling manor house on this big hill in austin and i'm like god damn it is these motherfuckers never tip like they're they they fuck my car up like they just they're on the phone like they're just dickheads so i'm about to pull off because i sat out there for like three or four minutes five minutes you know this guy comes full-on sprinting out of the mansion in like, you know, chubby shorts, boat shoes, the whole nine yards. An older guy, maybe late 30s, not old,

late 30s or early 40s. And he's like, gives me the roll the window down thing. So I roll my fucking window down and he throws a crumpled up $10 bill through the window. He's like, I just bought 10 minutes of your time. And I was like all right whatever i get you know like i mean that's so disrespectful yeah it was one of those things it was so disrespectful that like i didn't like slight disrespect blatant shit you're like

fuck you you know but i was like i couldn't get it all the way through you know and so he goes back in the party and I'm sitting there and I'm like, fuck it. Ten bucks is ten bucks. This is probably more than I was going to make in the trip anyway, because it was a short trip, at least per my map. Like, fuck it, I'll wait. And I see him. It goes back and forth the day window. He like shotguns a beer, takes three shots, like, you know, fucking rips a bong and then like comes running back out. Sick.

And he gets in the car and like we get on the road and uh you know i'm like he's making conversation or like attempting to and i'm responding and hey man you uh you mind if i ask what you do for a living and he's like you know the chive i'm like yeah he's like i'm the ceo of that and i was like fuck you get the fuck out of here and he's like why is that so hard to believe and i was like it's just like a weird it's weird most people i get are like bartenders and like like guys who like rape like it's like i don't like i don't and anyway he's like yeah man you know and then he like did the shitty millionaire thing. This has happened sometimes, like, he was like, what do you do? And I'm like, I'm like a copywriter. I got work, you know, I was in a law school, didn't work out. So I like work in advertising. He's like, oh man, take my card. You let the hiring manager know you gave me ride home. I'll get you in an interview like nothing i was like oh fuck maybe this could be like my thing you know so i take his card anyway we pull i pull up it's like a 15 minute drive

wasn't really a big deal we pull up in front of a really badass like one of the big big big sky rises uh in austin and uh he's like man my wife is like super pissed and i was like oh well i mean you know shook it over man you're coming home and he's like this ain't my wife's apartment and i was like nice i was like cool beans uh all right man you have a good one and he like like stumped fumbled with the door for a while. And he was like, I can't, this motherfucker, he was super hammered. Yeah. And so, like, I had to, like, open the door. He had, like, turned child locks on.

So, I don't even know how the fuck, because I didn't have them on. So, like, I opened the door for him. He gets out, and he tips me, like, pretty well. So, I was, like, super mad about that. But anyway, like, two weeks later, the card he gave me, I call that hiring manager. And I'm like, hey, so hey so like weird turn of events this motherfucker i give him a ride home for uber he tells me to call you like you know i was looking for a job at the time i was working like three you know like gig type things and then uh like bartending on the side that's barely making ends meet

and uh leave a guy voicemail leave the guy a voicemail. I leave my email in the voicemail, and he emails me. And he's like, I asked him about this, and he says he has no idea what you're talking about. And I was like, I don't know why I expected him to remember. Like, he was so bombed. Like, he could be lying. I mean, like, he was probably just talking out of his ass. But it's also very possible he was so bombed like he could be long i mean like he was probably just talking out of his ass but it's also very possible he was just blacked the fuck out like

he literally was like i'm gonna go up to my mistress's apartment but uh you have a good one man and i'm like all right yeah cool i guess uh if the wife of the ceo of the chive is listening to this uh sorry i don't really know i like the idea that this she hasn't suspected anything listening to this. Sorry, I don't really know. I like the idea that she hasn't suspected anything up to this point. Also, this was like seven years ago. She's been holding on this whole time. You

are what brings the whole thing crashing down. Drunk guys loved it. They can be in any position of power. and crashing down. Yeah. Now, uh, drunk guys loved it. Like, they can be in any position of power. It doesn't have to be a real one.

Yeah. Because I, uh, I used to work at this, uh, bar in high school. And, uh,

I remember one time this, this guy who seemed pretty chill. Like, he was getting along with the bartender and everybody in that

i hear he's at the bar and i hear him like you know doing his little conversation thing and i hear the bartender who's like a super chill guy but not like confrontational at all be like ah nah man like i can't, can't do, I can't do that, you know, just, yeah, and then this guy just comes up to me, I'm like 16, 17 at the time, and he's like, what's good, brother? Not much, man. Just working. I'm the host tonight. It's pretty fun.

I work at a restaurant. He's like, did you see that bitch back there? He points and it's my boss. She's the owner of the restaurant. I was like, I see her what's this is their problem he's like man how much how much is she paying you you know i was like yeah i i get tip out so it's not I actually have a pretty good gig you know

I'm in high school this is actually the best job I've ever had you know but he was like he was like man I work

I'll tell you what man you see that you see that lady over there and he points his like you know probably like a

eight and a half or whatever you know like a good looking lady and she's there with her probably six, three, 270 pound cowboy husband. He's like, so I was trying to talk to the bartender over there.

And I asked him to give that lady my number, you know, cause I can't talk to her cause her husband's there. But dude, she's looked at me like twice. She like wants me, but I'll tell you what man like i'm the you know where lowes is and this is weatherford is not a big town yeah ever there aren't like any hole in the wall those locations yeah everyone knows where lowes is and. And he's like, you know where... Hey, you know where Lowe's is? And I'm like, yeah, man, I know where Lowe's is.

Well, I'm one of the managers there. And you... You give that lady that this number, and I'll write it down for you. You don't even have to tell her. It's Brad.

Brad gave me a sticky note with his number scrawled and had a smiley face on it. He was like, I need you to sneak this number to that lady somehow. You do that, and you call me tomorrow. Hey, $13 an hour starting out. I was like, yeah, man, that sounds. I'm definitely going to do that. Sounds like a deal, man. How about you leave and like, I'll take care of this for you.

There's a, when I worked as security, it was like, this bar didn't need security it was like a swanky coffee pastry one of those arcade bars you used to work at no I never yeah Sega themed yeah

big buck hunter it was like a bougie ass coffee liquor tobacco they didn't need security but they paid me and i got tipped out so i didn't care but anyway um like once a month maybe twice a month uh i would be working the tobacco area and uh and we had like some pretty expensive cigars or whatever and i would be like talking i would be talking to some guy like you know making recommendations i don't know fuck all about cigars i mean i know a little bit like just googling and making recommendations and like talking shit like being a salesman or whatever anyway yeah sometimes these motherfuckers would be like, you know, yeah, I work here part time, but I'm finishing my master's.

What the hell are you doing here? You got a master's. These guys are very wealthy. They pay with a platinum card. Not fake wealthy. Not bullshitting. Platinum card. Bought $200 worth of cigars.

Probably have a $600 bar tab. Fat as fuck. Got a little 19-year-old co-ed on their arm. Like, these are like sugar daddy old motherfuckers. What the hell are you doing out here working, uh, bouncing at a fucking bar for? You got a master's degree. And I'm like, well, I ain't done with it. And then like,

you know, it's a master's in philosophy, so really I just like want to be a professor. It's not really like a marketable degree outside of that profession. And they'd be like, man, you got what kind of experience you have? And I was like, I'm a writer. I write for websites, I design them. Like, I don't know any of the coding, but I do all the creative graphic design shit.

And they're like, man, I am CFO of, you know, Jack Me Off Suck and Fuck Technologies or whatever. We could really use a guy like you there you know you work at a job like this that shows you got work ethic and i would be like cool man i'd been through this enough times and it would happen yeah so much in the service industry where some drunk rich fucker has like in his heart he has a moment of like i'm gonna change this young man's life and then and like when i was younger and more naive, I was like, oh my God, dude, they're going to give me some senior position.

Like I'm going to be like, you know, senior copywriter or like creative designer or something. And like, like I'm going to fucking like, I'm going to be making like 70, 80 K a year plus bennies. I'm 24. Like, fuck this rocks every single time i'm not kidding none of these ever played out it literally like i would get a card i would call that card's number just to check to me just to see it doesn't hurt to call and the assistant or whoever answered would be like i have no idea what you're talking about and neither does the person and i was like well i have their card and i talked to them and they're like yeah um we aren't even hiring right now and i'm like okay so like uh

the guy said that you were and they're like again uh you need an appointment to even like talk about him so like i don't even know what you're talking about and i'm like okay so the guy said you were hiring senior copywriters and creative designers and they were like we don't even have positions like that here this is a finance company we invest and i'd be like super cool so like i was just lied to and the lady would be like i guess have a good one and hang up and it got to the point where like i would just i would just zone those guys out because i've been in the service industry that's like that was like my fallback other than my paperwork was just like so any guy with like a platinum or black card that's like what do you and it happens more

with women like i would talk to my co-workers and they'd be like literally once a week some guys like what's a smart young lady like yourself doing here working i'm the cfo of mike's hardware and uh and so i don't understand why somebody like you what's your 20 21 yeah somebody like you what's your degree in photography i mean mean, we got loads of positions at Mike's for photographers. I mean, we need pictures of wood and pictures of PVC. I mean, we got to have them for the website. So, I mean, I'd probably pay you like $145,000 a day to take these pictures. to take these pictures. So all you need to do is call my number. Like, it happened more with women, obviously, but I think, like, it's just, I was talking to my girlfriend about it, because it happened to her a lot, but, like, when she was a bartender,

it's just, like, this, like, like, they're so drunk, they're like, wow. I have the power to really do this. Yeah. And then, like, the next day, they're like, I don't want to do anything like that at all. Like, I literally have no desire at all to do anything like that at all i literally have no desire at all to do anything like that whatsoever yeah i uh

i should start i should start trying that like just sort of lean into the whole like looking way older than i am thing and just go to like chili's and just yeah try to seduce women who are clearly older than me. What's a fine young thing like you doing here? Working at what is this? Oh, Jack in the Box. Alright, well, I guess you can just take my order then. Never mind.

It's like through the drive-thru speaker. I like the idea of a CFO, like a majorly high-paid guy, like going to Jack in the Box for the 99-cent taco deal. Or like you, with not like you have a CFO, like a majorly high paid guy, like going jack of the box for the 99 cent taco deal. It just, or like you, like with not like you have a beard, obviously, but like no distinct facial features that would show age, like no creases really, but just salt and pepper. Like, and you're like, yeah, I've been in the, uh, I've been in the pop fitting industry in the, uh, something like 49 years.

75 years. I'm 89. I look great. You know, everybody tells me. But what do you do? You do gender studies. That's nice.

We need a gender director. You know, we actually need a girl. We got lots of millwrights out here. We ain't got no lady ones, so I guess you'd be a journeyman or something. We ain't union or nothing. You could come work for Big T's Copper Scrap Gun. What are you?

You do communications or early early high early school education special ed yeah a lot of people

work for me can't like like open the door so a lot of them are you know just kind of

guys that got hit in the head too much so anyway I could really use somebody like you

you want to work in communications well come on you can't work for me you talk every day Anyway, I could really use somebody like you. You want to work in communications? Well, come on. You can't work for me? You talk every day. There's a job site I worked at last summer. And, like, the same thing when I was, like, working, like, in the home modeling, like, roofing, painting and shit.

Any woman. Because it is a predominantly, like,, painting and shit. Any woman, because it is a predominantly, like, male field. Yeah, that's right. Any woman, and it could be, like, a dog. It could just be, like, I don't want to say that. That's not true. Like, above a four, if they're walking around the job site, get the

fuck out. Dude, a guy in a, you've been in a golf cart with a dude, like, I'm driving over to fix his generator or, like, work on his forklift or something, and I've got my golf cart and, like, I'm taking it to where his shit's at, I'm picking him up. We pass by, or I remember we passed by the same two or three ladies that worked in scaffolding. And they were, like, they were, like, you know, attractive for working at a refinery job. The guy next to me would be like, damn I'd fucking give my last god damn dime to sniff the chair she sat on

wouldn't you and I'm like no like no and they're like are you gay and I'm like no I like I routinely do my best and I usually fail but sometimes succeed to get like laid

from oh well i got a wife and you know we got and i'm like all right then we're not in the same boat like at all like it's like i have no i have no fuck i don't understand like what what are you even talking about and they're like come on man you wouldn't fucking

all the the sayings like you wouldn't give your left nut to floss your teeth with her panties. Yeah, yeah. No. First of all, I work 13 hours a day, seven days a week. I don't even jack off anymore.

I don't even watch porn. I think about it and I'm like, no, I'm too tired. My joints hurt. I'm going to bed. Yeah. Second of all, like, that girl has, like, one of those, like, Disney witch moles that, like, comes above the nose, like, outward. Like, I have no interest in this. Yeah, I usually just well I'll tell you one thing I'm pretty tired

yeah I'm tired of politicians I'm tired of this crap I'm tired of white I'm tired of DC man Greg Abbott you're on notice you fucking bitch I'm gonna break the rest of your back with a fold-up table. I'm going to tie you to the bed frame that Abe Lincoln died on,

and I'm going to pee on you like one of those Korean girls. You pee on Korean girls now? No, that's something they do. I haven't even looked into it. No, you just said that you did it. I said like one of them. I said like one of them. You said like I'm going to pee on you. I'm just saying there's probably one of them. That you pee on.

That's what you just said. No, there's probably one of them that does that. No, I said I'm going to pee on you like the Korean girls. No, I said like one of those. You know how many Koreans there are? Five? Over a thousand. There's got to be one of them.

That's why I used the exam. You trying to talk your way out of this one? Yeah, you trying to checkmate, motherfucker. Yeah, I'm Bobby Fincher over here. I'm director of Fight Club Bobby Fincher. Yeah. I'm Bobby Fincher over here. Bobby, I'm director of Fight Club, Bobby Fincher. Yeah, I'm Tyler Turbin. I really want to walk that one out, man. Yeah.

I really want to walk that one out. I was giving you the bait. Yeah. Problem is, I can't really do a good one. I can't really do it. A lot of people say it comes naturally. Like I really can't. It just like devolves or diverges into something totally different.

You want to give it a run? No, I haven't. I actually haven't even. Well, no, that's not true. I gave it a try a few months ago. It's not true. I gave it a try a few months ago. But the thing is, there's a lot of different... You can't do one Middle East accent, you know? Yeah, like Indian and like...

Do you think India is part of the Middle East? No, I'm saying like when people... Oh, okay. I was like... No, I'm saying like when people... I'm dumb, when... Oh, okay, I was like... No, I'm saying, like... No, I'm saying, like, when people... I'm dumb, but... When people, no. When people do, like, stereotypical accents of anybody from the, like... It's like, it's always Indian, and it's like, now they have, like... They kind of sound like Israeli.

Yeah. But it's like, oh, Pakistan, but it's always the same, like, you know, Apu type shit. Yeah, it also doesn't land most of the time. No. Because it's, like, it's hard the same like you know apu type shit yeah it also doesn't land most of the time no because it's like it's hard to punch up with that region yeah unless you're making you specify you're making fun of saudis in which case uh for the friends of the show i'm really not a big fan of Saudis. Yeah, no, Saudi Arabia is a dog shit country. And also my old boss. Hey, AJ, I still need that W2. You big fat...

Come on. ...silagoose. Dude, I... Usually when I'm like, you know, i'm like nodding off like this you know i'm running on like half an hour of sleep i probably slept nine hours last night and it didn't work like i'm feeling fine but i just i just did the late episode the late episodes is always like like i feel like i'm crawling through it but i have energy from like i just got done working out so like i have like i'm still like i'm i'm totally here but like past eight i'm like die die die but then weirdly enough these are the episodes that people like

yeah well Come on. I was getting a little sensual on this one. Come on. For everyone listening, this is a free one, right? Yeah. This week, we've got our weekly Pindeo Challenge. Think of your top 20 favorite birds. Yep.

And DM them all to Jake. Make sure it's 20 separate messages. He wants to hear about it. He's got open message requests. I don't care about birds. I hope they all die, but Jake loves them. He wants everybody listening, which we approximate to be around 2,000 people easily.

Yeah. We want to be around 2,000 people easily. Yeah. We want to see Jake getting, let's see, something like 50 billion DMs. About 40,000. He should be getting about 40,000 DMs. Because we want you to do each.

We're calling it Jake's Bird Challenge. He came up with it. It's something that we've had brewing for a long time. Yeah. Listen. A lot of people send me messages like, hey, thought you'd think this was funny. Hey, man, I hope you're doing good.

Hey, man, I really like the pod like you know you know hey man like i don't care about any of those and i don't care about the niceness and the and the friendliness but what i do care about is birds and you talk about them a lot yeah when before the podcast thomas spends seven hours listening to me talk about cardinals blue jays those are the only two birds i know pigeons seagull, Seagulls, I guess four. What would you say your top 20 birds are? Cardinal, Blue Jay, Seagull, Pigeon,

the Booby, that's five. Finch, Kookaburra, we gotta go. Dodo Bird, extinct, but still counts. We gotta go...

Allegedly. There are people listening to this, like, there's gonna be somebody listening to it who likes birds, and they're like, You got the, the, the, the white crested, white, uh, anyway, um, we got the damn, fuck, crow. Gotta get the crow. You gotta give it up to the, the fake crow, the, crow, the fool's crow, as they call it. You gotta go with the peregrine falcon. Very fast, very powerful. Bald eagle.

You gotta go penguin, flightless bird. You gotta go... All penguins? No, just just just just... Penguin. Penguin, I'm not... I could kill the 20 by naming different types of penguin, but to be honest I only know one, Emperor. Fuck.

We gotta go. 13, by the way. Is it Duck? Duck is a bird. It is? We gotta go, fuck. Goose. I'm gonna go Goose.

That's 15. And then I'm gonna definitely say that my next favorite bird 16 out of 20 gotta be the sparrow uh gotta be the sparrow bird uh next bird gonna be thunderbird uh which is a type of wine it's a type of wine uh next bird is gonna be pontiac firebird gotta love the classic muscle car i always forget i cannot lift this finger all the way. Unless I have my hair. Next bird is going to be the Ford T-Bird, the car. He's cheating, but we're going to go because he's at 19. Because at 19.

You got one left. Tweety Bird. Tweety Bird. You guys are probably glad that's over. I'm really excited. That's why I'm about to do my 20. So, let's over. I'm really That's why I'm about to do my 20. So let's see.

My top bird great horned owl. After that great gray owl. Two. After that I'd say probably a barn owl. Three. This is people don't know but the barn owl and other types of owls

are actually in two separate little categories. It's kind of cool the way they do it. Anyway, so after that, let's go with a local favorite, barred owls. Three. Or four. Four, four, four, four. Then we've got... I just named 20.

No, no. Come on. Elf owls. Five. Please don't Google shit. Snowy owls. No, I'm not. Six.

Six. The great Heron. All right, we're moving on from owls. Seven. Seven, all right. Flamingo. Eight. You're not even halfway there and you're stumbling.

Come on, dog. Puffin. Nine, there you go. The thing is, on the first ones, I was picking out my favorite kinds of owls. Yeah. Then you just got to start naming birds. Yeah. Now, Red-Tailed Hawk.

Ten. We're nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine.

Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. We're halfway there. Nine. Nine. Nine.

All right. Here's where we just... I'm just thinking of birds now. Eagle. No. I'm not using that one because you said it. I just said it now. Yeah. Okay. Pelican. Ten. There said it. I just said it now. Yeah, okay.

Pelican. Ten. Now we're at ten. Yeah. Crane. I know I said Heron. This one's a crane. It's different.

Yeah. Ostrich. Emu. Knocked out two there. Albatross. Fourteen. knocked out two there albatross 14 vulture nope not using that one condor though 15 not bad not bad let's go let's go let's go baby yeah um the the the big the big one with the huge you know the one i'm talking about i'll think

one with the huge the birds of paradise you got peacock peacock parrot turkey turkey chicken did you say did you say chicken say turkey or chicken you got 17 now i could say roaster, but I'm not going to count that. It's different. Alright. We got... Bird of Paradise. Did I say that? There's several of them, but whatever. Fuck it. 18.

Parrot. Parrot. There you go. Yeah. And we do the bird rap. Wiki, wiki, wiki. And we're finishing off with... Number 20.

Big Bird. Yep, there we go. Man, that was a great segment, and I'm sure people... If you're one of the co-workers who kindly subscribed to the podcast on Apple Podcasts this week, and you somehow made it through that, I'm sorry, but also I thank you for your loyalty. A few guys

that were subbed to the pod this week, which is very nice of them. Yeah, yeah. If you subbed because of the P88 thing, thank you. It wasn't because of that. Is there like... I think the tree work industry is just full of guys who know who P88 is?

No, I'm talking about the people that literally subbed because of the Prospector episode. I was like, no, I don't think people who work in landscaping know who Prospector is. Landscape or 88. That's probably just a regular Facebook profile. Yeah, that's a Facebook group. that's probably just a regular like facebook profile yeah that's a facebook group that's like one of us has an uncle who just has that this is um i'm thinking about getting into gambling why dude because i got so much money now

well i have money i have well i have too much i gotta blow some of it you know what kind of money you have uh pretty much every kind you can think of but i don't want to get into like sports gambling or anything like that no actually like a lot of i'm like really have a lot of investments and stuff like that you know think I'm going to get into shooting craps. I've been inspired by a song. What kind of song? It's probably

Big Bad Jim. You don't mess around with Jim. With who? Simple as that. It would be nice to be fluent in some sort of trade where you just trick people. That's not like car sales, you know? Just be like a snake oil salesman, you mean?

Or just like a con man? Yeah, I'd love to be a con man of some kind, but I never have been naturally just a trickster, you know? Like the other day... Dude, I was so bad...

Come on. I just cut it. You got it. All right. Yeah, you cut it out for a second. No, the other day I had to get my registration renewed, and I noticed I had the wrong insurance slip with me in my car when I went to get the inspection.

And so I pulled up the mechanic, and I had my whole plan ready where I was just going to hand it to him and see if he checked the date before I had to go home. And I handed it to him and then immediately told him, yeah, that's the wrong insurance slip. That's out of date. I just gave it up like right off the bat. And he was like, all right, man. Well, you got to go give me the other one. I just left.

I just can't. I can't do it. I have, my registration expired in October. All right. If any police officers are listening, Jake does live in Texas. So if you're a state trooper and you see his car on the highway, you can pull it over.

I was told that they're not doing that right now because of COVID. Yeah. Yeah, they're lifting all restrictions except for, uh, getting car renewed. Drunk driving restrictions. Yeah. Did you see

the whole no mask thing? Yeah, of course I did, man. I, uh, like, I really do, I posted about it a lot, I'm sure, like, to the point of annoying some people, but it's like, dude, Texas people are, like, I've seen the the videos and like like read stuff about them on facebook but like people were already like beating the dog shit out of each other over like mask stuff here and i'm sure it's happening in other states but like now that they're not mandatory i'm like so 100 positive that someone's gonna go like full-blown like cage fighting chillies like

hey uh the mass mandate is like a government thing but you know private businesses so like you gotta wear it and then some fucking guy yeah a big dog shirt it's like i ain't gotta do it it ain't the law no more and it's like an overworked hostess was like look I get it but it's like this is a private business so like you have to wear it

he said I came here with the expectation of service an El Presidente margarita and a Southwestern egg roll

and a Cajun seafood pasta so I ain't gotta wear no damn mask and then the hostess just pulls the shotgun out and the podium just blows agency food pasta. So, I ain't gotta wear no damn mask. And then the hostess just pulls the shotgun out and just blows the motherfucker away.

Like, I obviously won't get to that. Maybe. I mean, who fucking knows? But, like, I don't, like, it's gonna be chaos here. It already is. Like, it already is. Yeah, I, uh, I hope Greg Abbott dies soon yeah it really uh you know like like just like run-of-the-mill liberals or whatever like this is the craziest violentest time it's crazy you don't

have to use that voice even even do it straight. Anyway. Anyway, like, in the 60s and 70s, like, the FBI was doing, like, bomb, like, getting bomb threats, like, weekly. Like, real ones, like, verifiable. Like, people were just making bombs. It was a really, like, popular thing to do. So, like, I don't, I kind of, like, I, you know, I'm not making a political statement here. It's just, like, it is surprising to me that more people aren't going, like, psycho-sicko mode.

Like, just... Yeah. What's the guy gonna do? He can only wheel so fast. Like, tip him out of the fucking chair. Beat the dog shit out of him. Yeah. Smack him on that little baby butt, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him an old reach around, garble his nuts. Yeah. He can't feel nothing. Just see what you can do. I would love to just grab the back handle of that wheelchair and just jam my rod just straight through that man's skull. Just in one end and out the other. His bone structure is weak enough

I could... Like a narwhal, but the opposite, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be like when they kill cattle and they put that thing in the side of their head and it was... Yeah. I want to do the jackass thing

where they put that guy wheels. They attached a bunch of like carbon dioxide tanks and launched him into the English Channel. I kind of want to like, you know, like an intern with nothing to lose. You know, like, this is his like government chair.

Not the one he normally uses around the house. Just somehow, some way, I don't know man, science and technology or buck wild, just attach like 10 little rockets to it that are, I don't know, people are smart, dude. They can do all kinds of crazy shit. Yeah. And then when he's like,

I gotta go to the can. Yeah. And then just like launch him at 150 miles an hour into the Capitol bathroom. Like as fast as possible. I'm going to get one of those remote control vibrators and put it in his ass while he's asleep

and he's not going to feel it, but he's going to be given a speech and his whole chair is just going to start vibrating and I want to see whether he can feel it. You know? I feel like we've all thought that at some point. Yeah, you know, I mean,

he's like, well, folks, you know, we just, we just got, you know, it's not my business. Yeah, he's not really like, yeah. I, uh,

I think I had a college friend of mine he's not really a friend of mine we just knew each other he's not that important to you no not at all actually this was when Greg Abbott was running some years back

when he was running? it must have been a long time ago. Ba-dum-tsh! He was running for governor and he was an intern for the campaign and he posted on his Instagram a video

of him at a gun range in South Austin with a Greg Abbott shirt on. And I commented, yeah, I stand with Greg Abbott. And he didn't think that was funny at all. I thought it was pretty funny. Yeah. And I enjoyed saying it to him and saying it a hundred million times after that to people who I knew that liked the guy. Because this is the thing.

Democrats painted themselves in a corner. We're getting super political here. They can't make fun of him in his wheelchair. My philosophy about life is I'll be nice to you about your shit, but if you're a cocksucker and I hate you, then I'm going to make fun of you for whatever the fuck you got going on. You got a hunchback, you got a big-ass

pimple, you got a small sack, you got a little dick, you're a fucking retard or whatever. I mean, I don't care, man. You suck shit, you're getting the fucking business. That's just how I roll with it because I'm a tough guy. I'm a rock and roll guy. Yeah, dude. You're like Dice.

Yeah, I'm Andrew Nice Clay. Yeah, you're like Andrew Nice Gay. Oh, my goodness. Oh. Hey, it makes it... It's a whole new character. Dude, we should talk about that for like

20 minutes. That's about as much time as we have left. Wow, that's so crazy. How did we come up with that? That is amazing. No, but there's definitely not like maybe two or three podcasts I can think of

at the top of my head who've done Andrew Dicey Gay that are way more successful than this one and have way bigger of a following and it wouldn't be just ripping that podcast off.

Yeah. I'll tell you what I like to rip off is Greg Abbott's spine. Do you like a Mortal Kombat fatality? Yeah. I've got this knee scar from a wheelbarrow.

You ever meet out of trees and they can wail all their healing energy to one spot? I didn't even know that at all. That sounds cool. I don't know. I might have made that up. But they can...

If you make, like, a big cut on it, like a big live cut, the tree will, like, direct a lot of its nutrients to that area sometimes. If it's... Technically, if technically if it's done incorrectly like if you leave a stub or if it's flush with the bark okay okay anyway i've been trying to do that with my knee it doesn't hurt but i've been just trying to work on my healing powers you know yeah i uh manifested i think i don't... I want to get the vaccine, so I guess I can, like...

Like, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want anyway now, irresponsibly and stupidly. But, like, I don't want to feel bad about it anymore. And so... Did you get it? No. Oh, because I was looking at the scheduling on that, and we're absolutely not getting it

no so like i yeah so like i posted about it so like my i told you this before i think the university i work at and attend they were like in january like late december early january they were like we're rolling out vaccines for instructors and like assistant instructors and in state and texas and like employees of the university and I was like cool so like I'm definitely getting one super soon um so like I didn't even think about it and I was like fuck it I'm gonna like you know I'll party rock I don't give a fuck and then that was like three months ago now uh yeah and so I'm like there's like no update there's been no second email hey we've fucked've fucked this up. Or like, hey, come to the medical center. Like, nothing.

So I literally was like, I'm going to Google this shit. Like, I'm looking for a fucking restaurant. Like, vaccines near me, Central Texas or whatever. And my county's website for vaccines had not been updated since like January 12th. And I was like, dope. I literally have no idea like how or when to get one of these. I have none. My plan is just to bulk for like two weeks and then be medically obese.

And then I'll be like one schedule ahead. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it's – yeah, like right now, I think I – the only person that I know that qualifies as my grandma that has COPD. Yeah, I know a couple of my friends – She's still probably not getting it, but like – A couple of my friends got it for me. My parents don't. Yeah, they don't. My mom doesn't.

A couple of my friends got it because of their occupations. They're high school teachers. But like their school district, like just happened to work really hard. And like literally like like from what they were telling me was like we're getting some of these like there was a whole like process or whatever. But yeah, I have no idea. Like, you know, I'm looking at getting a decent remote job that's like remote throughout COVID. So like, I don't know what that means because like, it's like an opportunity I'm like, I'm working on, like trying to get it's good money and, and it's like a writing gig. And, and they were like, yeah, we're, we'll work from home until like, like during COVID. And I was talking to the hiring manager that like,

like reached out to me or whatever. And I was like, if we get vaccinated, like, do we come into the office? And the lady was like, I have no idea. Like, I don't know. And I was like, oh, okay. So like, what is until COVID is done mean? She was like, I don't, I don't know.

We're emailing, we're talking on the phone. So I'm like, so can I get like a date? Cause like I have vacations planned, like throughout the year, you know, I got a couple of weddings I got to do. So like working from home is obviously easier. Like I can get my work done ahead of time and then go to these weddings or whatever,

like in the fall. But like, I, you know, like I'm asking people like, hey, do you know anything more than i do you have a position of authority and they're like i have no fucking idea man like not at all like i i probably know less than you do because i don't like read about this shit all day so yeah yeah yeah you know it's it's uh cool like i remember just at the beginning of this year, it was at least starting to seem like this summer it might be safe to travel. Not safe-safe, but safer. Somewhat guilt-free travel.

Yeah. And by that, I, very beginning of January. And by summer I mean, like, maybe July or whatever. Yeah, early August when it's still 110 degrees in Texas. Yeah, yeah. But now it's like we're, like, halfway there. And it's... Yeah.

It's not... I don't... I don't know that it's worse, like, for Texas. I think it's well it's probably bad to be but Texas' numbers did dip but they dipped down to like 10,000 a day

yeah it was like the cases dropped from like 4,000 a day to 2,000 and they were like we're good and it's like no this was like lockdown numbers six months ago like and so yeah I don't Like, I don't. And so, yeah, I don't really like, I don't really know.

Like, I've been telling my friend of mine, we scheduled this wedding for November because it's supposed to be November last year. He scheduled it for November this year. And I was like, dude, you're probably going to have to reschedule it again. He's like, fuck that. I'm doing it. I'm like, all right, man, whatever. It's your wedding. I don't give a fuck.

I'll be there. I'm going to do stupid shit. I fucking box no mask on. I go to gyms and shit i'm carrying more fuck it fuck me dm me tell me you gave me something i did but like uh like i uh i don't like i i remember when this started like last year like in march i was like the big estimation was like this is going to be over by the summer and then like that same sentiment is being repeated and granted there's like a vaccine on the horizon but again like a part of that is like I have no idea when I'm when and if I'm even getting one with this

like the rat like the six or seven million or whatever that like went to like I guess the south like specifically Texas I don't know how many went here but I don't even know if I'm going to get this round. Like, I probably won't, because my county, that website hasn't updated since mid-January. So I'm like, huh. Well. Yeah. The fact that there aren't updates, like, every ten minutes

on everything is like, oh, wow. Like, everyone involved in the administration on a higher level should be like publicly executed shot and killed the fact that liberals have given I know nobody cares but I think the fact that like

Fauci has been like made into a cool guy rather than like people wanting to like cut his dick off his body yeah like the fact that like rachel maddow even isn't like yeah man we should like you know rip you know rip this man's intestines out and just see how far we can stretch him out you know yeah it's like ah i guess this is just how things are but at at the end of the day, you have to remember, like, you know, they might make another Witcher game or something.

Yeah, there's some good stuff, too. I've been watching a lot of shows. Like, I really, like, my buddy, the company he works for, it's like a, he works for, like, a law firm from home. He does, like, their books or whatever. Yeah. And he was like, we were told that it's work from home. He does like their books or whatever. Yeah. He was like, we were told that it's work from home until 2023 or until, but it's just like 2023 is the date that's like,

we're coming back no matter what, but like we have two years or whatever. And I I'm literally, I'm like, I don't even know. I don't want to go back to an office like ever ever in my whole fucking life like I get a bunch of work done in two days

and then I just fuck off like that's kind of what I do that's what I've been doing and like the moment I have to like go like I've seen some takes that are like work is invading our home life we need to go back to the office I'm ready to go back

dude in two weeks you would be like, dude, I miss sitting in my pajamas watching fucking Netflix and jacking off while I have Zoom open. Because that's what everyone fucking does. Except for like the psychopaths who wear button-ups to meetings and shit. But like...

No, dude. You beat off during meetings? I'm going to put the fifth on that. Yeah. Oh, okay. I'll tell you what I did like last week at a meeting it's not on the same vein of things it's not similar to that but I was

I was in a safety meeting and I my kidney started acting up so I wasn't paying attention I just punched it really hard yeah like like really hard and everyone just stopped talking and just just looked at me yeah and they were like you good man I was like yeah just acting up you know it's all good they were like what I left kidney but it's yeah I mean it's good it's, yeah, I mean, it's, it's good.

It's just, you know, we can continue. I don't know why you guys stopped talking, you know? Yeah. People don't understand how to bounce back when you're doing surgery on yourself. You know, just, it's not something worth discussing. You just keep it moving. Yeah. I, uh, I would routinely like at work like my shoulder

would slip out like partially and i would just go like uh like it i guess to people it makes you look a lot harder than you are but like i have a bad like my right shoulder's dog shit so it slips out all the time so like at work if i was reaching overhead uh to like a shelf or to like try to hammer in something and my shoulder would slip out and it would like visibly be out like i couldn't i could not i could not move it in the position it was in and i would just take my like my left like the heel of my left palm and i would just press it against it and like hang it off something and then hit it and it would go back into place. And a guy at work would be like, hey, man, you got to like fill paperwork out and go home. And I'm like, no.

I wake up maybe two days out of the week and like half of my left, my right hand is numb. And like my shoulder is like, like my arms numb because I have like damage to like the nerve there. And I don't have health insurance and i'm never going to get this fixed because even when i did have health insurance it was like nine thousand dollars and the guy's like yeah you can't like be injured on this job and i'm like dude guys drive forklifts drunk here do you hear how they talk they talk loud like on the walkie talkie they're like i'm still drunk so i don't want to like hear anything it was always the guy like we worked sometimes when I work in the warehouse that would be like you know hey man if you're hurt you can go home

and I'm like then I don't get paid and I can't get workman's comp because this is an injury that's like outside of work like it's a it's an injury I have like it's not workman's it it happened at work but they're not going to pay me out because I can't even afford to get the MRI that would like yeah and you prove that it happened with workers comp stuff like you can't even afford to get the MRI that would like, yeah. And you prove that it happened. Workers comp stuff. Like you can't use insurance on anything. It's all out of pocket. Yeah.

And then they, they might pay you back for some of it. Yeah. They might reimburse you like 30%. So I did. So like, but like, yeah,

I guess the big point is, is just like, like I'm hanging it off like a, like a box or something. And I'm like, and it just kind of clicks back in there. And I'm like, all right,

man, can you give me that hammer? And're like guys are like if an old guy does it i guess it looks weird when a guy who's like in his mid-20s and is the time you just guess an old guy does it like his knee gives out and he just gives it a second it's like like you good i'm like no actually not this like plagues my life. It makes it hard to sleep. Like my hand is, I wake up and my whole arm is numb because my ulnar nerve is fucked. And they're like, oh, cool. Like you got like a doctor's appointment scheduled?

And I'm like, no. Copay for like an osteo whatever the fuck or like a muscle guy is like with no, is like $300 out of pocket, and I'm not doing that. Surgery with no insurance is like $15,000 at the low end. So no. And they're like, oh. You want to like go home? Yeah, I'm like, no, because like I'm already here. It's like two. I have four more hours of work. Fuck it. Like, who gives a shit?

You know? Yeah. Yeah, that's never happened to me. Yeah, no, I don't think – I mean, your bones are strong. Yeah, everyone at work says I have some of the best bones I've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah, you – I'm an x-ray technician. Oh, my goodness.

There you go, buddy. There you go. That's worse. That was worse than the joke I made that made you mad. No, yeah. I was thinking it was such an easy punchline with no benefit. It was high risk, low reward right there. No, I knew it wasn't funny.

I knew it would just slightly annoy you. Nah, nah. Water off a duck's back or whatever the fuck. Yeah. No, nobody says that. I don't know what that means. Ah, well. Hey, if you're listening to this, that means

you're listening to a free episode, which means believe it or not, you're not having to pay money for this. You're not having to pay money for something this classic. This fucking consistently funny where we're not offering our misinformed dog shit

opinions on things. So if you're listening to this you might want to head on over to pendejo.com slash Patreon

time. Just kidding. Switch those. Patreon.com slash pendejo time. If you go over there now

give us a hundred bucks I'll send you a picture of Jake and he's got a bikini on. Yeah. If you do John Wayne G bucks. I'll send you a picture of Jake and he's got a bikini on. Yeah. If you do John Wayne Gacy pricing, I'll send you the news that my girlfriend got mad about.

She thought it was a girl's butt. That is true, but I mean it's just because I do a well rounded leg routine. I'll put it like that. Dude, I remember we were at Tim Becta's bar, and she was like, what the fuck?

Oh, my God. It, like, literally took that quick. And she was like, I really thought that was a girl's ass, man. I just got the fuck out of you. I'm not even fucking playing. Like, she had a couple drinks. She was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like, I'm not even fucking playing. She had a couple drinks. She was like, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm still mad. And I was like,

I guess because I text you, we text each other, I was like, look, the hair on your ass is visible from where she was sitting. And I was like, this is a man's ass. There's like a dark shade of brown going up the lower back and she's like, I don't fuck

I, you know, I wouldn't, I don't know. And I'm like, I'm like by the way, it was the whole picture because I was texting you and it was right there. I was like, there's a head connected to that body and it's got a beard and it's clearly Thomas. Yeah, and I was doing like

a pouty face or something. Yeah, but it's like you also have like you have the back of a guy that lit like you are it's clearly a man's body. And she was like I don't know

I just saw the ass that's all I saw and I fucking saw red. And by the way we're in like a like a small bar area. So like everybody that's like

there's somebody sitting like four feet from us, man. everybody that's, like, not... There's somebody sitting, like, four feet from us, man. Like, it's not, like... We all got our masks on and shit. We're all fucking drinking and bullshit and hanging out. And she's sitting here and she's, like, I thought the picture... Like, I know they can hear us next to us, and what they can hear is, I thought

you had a picture of a woman's asshole on your phone, but it was actually a man's, so we're good. Yeah. See, the thing is like at some point i'm gonna have to meet her and she's gonna have seen that before she met me but that's actually like really common for my like friends girlfriends to actually see that dude because yeah because like i they've all seen accidentally yeah no yeah this boy when i lived with all the guys like the girls would come over in their first introduction before they met me but one of the other roommates was like the girl would walk in and it'd be like oh this is you know so and so and i have i'm doing man tuck like i made my dick and body like i have

i have like a pussy going on. And I'm like, hey, guys. Okay, that did happen to me one time. Yeah, no, that literally happened to me. Yeah. What made it worse is it wasn't like – because the girlfriends at the time, they're all still – like many of them are engaged. It was long term. But this one was like a bumble thing.

It was clearly like a one night john and and I just didn't have my phone on me I was in the shower and I came out and two of them were playing video games on the couch they were playing rocket league and it was getting heated and I was like I'm going to interrupt their game I'm going to do man tuck

it's a classic you can't go wrong with it dude I really sold it like I got the lips going. I kind of creased my fupa because I was fat. And I kind of like, I really like, dude, I did some work on it, man. It hurt, but I was really trying to drive it home. And, dude, I'm not kidding, man. Like, I walk out.

I'm in the town. I'm like, you guys playing Rocket League? Like, I got the town covering it. And they're like, yeah, man. Like, obviously, like, I know you hear us in there and i was like oh dope can i play they're like no you suck and i'm like oh man that's harsh but you're right and i was like hey what do you guys think about this and i dropped my towel and they're like ah you know it's a classic when he gets the last the last kind of like is like 10 seconds of like ah nice that's a really good

one man like you clearly put like at least 25 seconds of work into it. My roommate comes home and he walks in the door and he walks in first and he's got his dog and I was like, oh, he took the dog out or whatever. And I'm like, hey, motherfucker, check it out. Like I'm like doing it. And he like his face, I just took it as shock because i guess that's not what you know whatever but like he kind of had a stupid smile on so i was like all right whatever but he kind of looked alarmed still and like right behind him dude i'm not kidding right behind him

and the first thing she looks at she looks left where our bathroom all the way was and i'm like 250 pounds i'm fat as fuck at the time. And I wasn't getting laid because I was fucking fat and disgusting and on meds, so like... I had a bush, like a motherfucker. I haven't even trimmed that fucking thing, dude. And she just...

Little petite fucking bumble thing, dude. Little fucking... She just is like... Like she's staring at herble thing, dude. Little fucking... She just is like... Like, she's staring at her dead grandma, dude. Like, just stone fucking... Lost Thomas. And she... And Thomas disappeared for a second.

She's like... Dude, she just goes, um... And I was like, oh, uh, hey. Like, I pulled the towel towel back up and he's like, dude, please. And like, that's all like, like, I think it wouldn't have been as bad if I was like, it was made worse by the fact that I had like the bush of a 40 year old Serbian and I had a massive beer gut. And like, like my hair got grown my hair like i look like a fucking ghost and like like she leaves and she stays the night she leaves the next day and i was like hey was that like weird and he like i like i was like she thought it was funny like

later on she was telling you like ah you know because i was trying to absolve myself of the guilt of like doing something that's illegal like it's illegal he was like no man she thought it was super weird and it like kind of made the evening weird she was like you live with these kind of guys and i was like uh man i don't really care like at all about that uh it's funnier to me actually that she did she didn't find it funny because then he was like that was really shitty of you to do and i was like dude any other time you would have laughed how the fuck was i supposed to know you're bringing some fucking one night stand bullshit he was like you know we don't argue about it but i was like look i stand by my choice i worked hard on that man tuck i made it look like i had pussy lips

uh i had a huge bush so anyway. Thanks for listening to Pandemic, everybody. Subscribe to the fucking Patreon. Do it. Goodbye. Bye.