Pendejo Time - company card

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

I got big penis surgery on the company card Support the Show.

We used to, we built these fans, and they were fans before, but we ran like PVC and some like air filters down in front of it so it would blow like colder air water. And then we built these cooling stations out, and they, if it got above 100, like if it got above like wet bulb, like feels like, like 105, got above a hundred like if it got above like wet bulb like feels like like 105 that they would be like you know make sure you go to water station get some water and like cool off or whatever but that site supervisor guy i told you about i don't know if he didn't commute and he i know he didn't communicate with safety because i told you almost fired his dad that one time uh like guys would go be sitting like dude it's hot we're like two three layers of clothes on fucking jeans and work boots and we're sitting in front of these fans and motherfucker would pull in front of his golf cart he's like the fuck you think y'all are doing it's only two

like you know lunch is over and we're like well uh we had the safety call said we gotta go to the cooling station and grab some water just sitting and he's like oh well you know a lot of motherfuckers are out at that gate waiting for somebody to get laid off or fucking drag up we're like and like you can't really that guy billy was the type of dude that's like it's yes or no sir like he's not a he there are some guys that are dicks and you can be dicks you know like you can be a dick back to them and they're like, ah, cocksucker. All right, I'll fucking drive. Those guys are cool.

But he was a guy that was like, everybody sucks my dick and that's it. Not literally, but he just like, he was like five, eight and just like, just no nonsense. And he's like, you know, y'all get up off your fucking asses and get back to work or whatever. Fucking, uh, we were like, well like well safety like the safety guys told us to come here and he would be like i didn't fucking fuck all right finish the waters and get back like like i don't know if it's because his dad was that said this head safety guy or if because he just like i don't know it but we built those fans out for that purpose.

And, dude, it would get so fucking hot out there that they would, like, the water inside the tank would get hot, and then it would just blow hot air and hot mist at you. And that, like, it's not, like, it didn't really do much, but, like, I guess it cooled you off a little bit. I would, I told you, or I don't know if I told you, I would get a bunch of ice. So one of my other things that I would do if it was slow is I would go get a bunch of,

we had like bottles of water and all the freezy pops or whatever. And I would restock like the freezers and the ice chest with them all over the job site. And fucking, I would take a bunch of ice and put it in the hollowed out part of my hard hat. And I would just slap that son of a bitch on. But obviously I'm hot. It's hot. And it would melt in my hat, which cooled me off. But it made it look like I was sweating like a movie.

Like at a dangerous level. Yeah, yeah. It was like, dude, I would be like up on, like I would be climbing up the stairs up to the tower to fucking go get a tool or fucking whatever. And I'd be up there, and some of the rigors would be up there, and they would be like, hey, dude, are you good, man? I'm like, yeah, dude, I'm just hotter than a motherfucker. And they're like, I guess. It's just like dripping. I'm soaked.

Dude, it's coming out of like if I lift my hat, it goes. And I was like, oh, yeah. So I put ice in my hard hat, and it's like, of like if i lift my hat it goes like and i was like oh yeah so like i put ice in my hard hat and it like dude you stay cool all day and uh guy was like that's smart dude but like you're fucking soaking wet dog he's like it's not a bad idea but you look stupid like you look sick like it's not a good look to be walking around, like, 105 degree heat. Everyone's hot, but you're, like, literally just, like, dripping. Like, you have a faucet, basically, like, in your hat or whatever. My dad would do that shit, too, but he would, like, wrap it in, like, a towel,

which I guess is smarter, but he would be fucking – I got the idea from him, but he would fucking – he would just dip his hard hat. This is my dad, okay? He would dip his hard hat into the ice chest that held everyone's drinking water. He'd be wearing the fucking hat all day, sweating into it. It's gross. It's like not clean. He would just dip it into the chest and put it on his head with like ice water, ice and shit.

And people were like, don't put your fucking nasty ass hat where we all get our drinking water and he's like it's not in the water it's just in the chest where the water is held I'm like dad dude come on we don't live out here do whatever the fuck you want that's just the way my dad is I don't care if I look like I was dying

if my T-cells were low if I was pouring sweat that's the only way I could stay cool, dude. Anyway, welcome back to the fucking show. You used to rent equipment from this guy who wouldn't let any of his employees drink ice water. What? He believed it was bad for you. So had like oh by the way he didn't he didn't do any of the work himself okay so this guy's just these mexican guys dig trenches all day and would be like uh yeah you can't no ice no ice chest uh you can have water but it needs to be it needs to be 100 degrees so what they would do

was they would bring like a gallon of water and in the morning while it was cool they would bury it to keep it cool yeah to keep it like room temperature or something dig up their water to take drinks out of it it's like what you do in the war that's fucking there was uh we had to towards like the end of when i was working there they actually found somebody who was like you know like a legitimate mechanic to be the second mechanic guy so i was doing a bunch of like off like oddball random shit like busy work shit on the job site and um one of the things i had to do a couple different times and there was other people that did it but i was just like a hand so i did it a lot of people who worked in the trailers so these were like project managers supervisors

some of the engineers that were there every now and then um if a crane needed to go through where this happened not very often but somewhat often because they suck at planning but if a crane needed to get somewhere or an 18 wheeler needed to unload or something if the trucks needed to be moved and those guys were doing something or they were

out in the unit or whatever I or a couple of other like lower rung employees would have to go move these trucks. Oh, the 18 wheelers? No. No, like the fucking Raptors, the King Ranches, the fucking.

And these fucking cocksuckers, because their parking spaces are the best and they're the closest to the fucking AC and the trailer and the unit in general. and the trailer and the unit in general they would park as close as they could to each other to make more room so they wouldn't park where us peons parked which was literally like a quarter mile from the fucking plant and you'd walk in so you know like i'd get out somebody be on the walk like jake what like go move scott's truck and i'm like the raptor they're like yeah yeah go move it and he's like we got a crane coming in and you move his truck and then move so and so's truck and i'm like dude i'm sitting in these trucks dude that are worth 900 i fully loaded raptors and fucking you know yeah come but you know what i'm talking about not just raptors sometimes i move like top of the line shit

yeah sometimes i move people's fucking camaros and shit or whatever just cars that i and they're dude i'm getting in the door like i come opening it and i'm getting in it and i'm like i don't even want to turn the ignition because i feel like the key is like again more than what i'll make like that week right and i'm like and they would like hit me on the beeper they're like hey you move that truck yet And I'm like, and they would like hit me on the beeper. They're like, hey, you move that truck yet? And I'm like, oh yeah, I'm getting on it. And I'm like, I don't even have it in reverse, dude. Like I'm like, like in it back, you know, and I'm like, oh, all right. And then I'm like backing out at like 0.02 miles per hour.

Cause I was just like, I was like, if I go any faster, the car's going to explode. Like I'd be so stressed out. Like as a valet. Yeah, no, I don't know how they do it. Well, they get the keys and then they go park the car. You know what I mean, Thomas, mentally. Well, fuck, I don't know how they drive. It's not that hard.

You do it every day, man. You get in your car. Every time I go to your apartment you're like in the yard like i don't i'm like i got the keys and i'm like you just you just put it in park like on the feeder road yeah i have it in neutral and i'm just like revving my engine outside of my i don't know dude you've got like multiple wheel chucks on it the wheels are off somebody took my catalytic converter the fucking so that hotel that was across the street from that bar i work security at um

there's a hotel zaza it's like a bougie ass hotel they got them like a lot of major cities and i would watch valet like 20 year old kids get in like hurricanes and shit and like ferraris get in like Huracans and shit and like Ferraris. And like to be, I don't know if they screen, I don't know. I mean, obviously the car would be recovered, but like I feel like joyriding has to be like a somewhat like common crime. I think valets all get background checks. I would imagine to a place like that, I totally agree. But again, it's probably not a great job, like pay-wise.

I don't know. Maybe they make money in tips. I think they make – it probably depends on where you're a valet, but I know they all make tips. There's no valet out front Denny's. You know what I'm saying? If you're at like a nice golf course or something, I bet it's real good. I guess I'm thinking like I would be nerve wrecked. right yeah i would be shitting and pissing and vomiting if somebody was like hey can you park

the fucking mc like i'm like no do you have like a do you have an old crown vic that you could bring to the hotel instead because i can drive the fuck out of one of them i used to have one of them uh do you have like a, an old Tacoma? Just bring that to the hotel next time. I don't feel comfortable in this fucking quarter million dollar piece of shit or whatever the fuck. Well, I wouldn't either because I haven't driven cars that shitty before. Right, you only drive Bugattis and shit. Right.

Mostly Bentleys. Bentleys, Rolls Royce. I didn't realize Bentleys go fast. Yeah, it's like sports luxury or whatever. Dude, did you know the car company Maserati? Yeah. You know Chrysler bought them, and that Chrysler makes Maseratis now? And that's why I was watching this review like this maserati sport or whatever

and like all the panels were falling off and he was just touching shit and it was like he was like this is off the lot like fucking he and uh he made the point that was like they chrysler damer chrysler bought them out and so now they're just like yeah they just they don't they don't work anymore they like they barely run or whatever the fuck which is crazy because i'm like that's a you know that's like a like a rapper's car yeah i mean like they had that like 30 000 maserati for a long time they probably still do the ghibli or something something like that yeah yeah i don't i don't know but it's like a i don't even know if it's a v6 i i dude what i really respect about ford is they mass produced i can't afford one i don't want to make it seem like i but they mass

produced the gt and the newer ones like the last three years i think you're looking at like 5 550 horsepower and you can get one for like 45 50 grand which again can't afford one but uh when i was in school so yeah this is about five five six years ago i would see like gts in the parking lot gt 500s and i'm like man i don't i understand if you're a rich parent, buy your kid like a Beamer or something. But like are you really buying your like 18-year-old son a car that has 600 horse – like it's – I don't – and yes, those kids did crash their cars all the fucking time. But I'm like why are we – I guess it's cool to like mass-produce shit that goes way too fucking fast. And then be like, yeah, here you go. You can fucking take off, man.

Yeah, having a Raptor would be so sick. Have you seen those? I don't think I really like them that much. They have those Shelby F-150s. I don't think I've seen them, no. I don't know what you're talking about. They have a shit ton of horsepower. I mean, it's got a Shelby engine in it.

Yeah, I don't think i've seen one of the dumbest trucks i've ever seen was it was a shelby 1500 i mean 150 and it had a huge lift on it and like mud tires and american forces yeah it was sitting on like fucking 22s and i'm like all right so this is a truck with a racing engine in it it's got 600 racing suspension and everything and then monster trucks yeah now you just now it's just what the fuck are you gonna drive through a swamp at 180 miles per hour yeah is that your plan yeah i'd love to see that. You're going to go mudding in a mangrove.

Yeah, at like 205. That's awesome. Imagine taking that out to the track and just flipping it instantly. I don't. I mean, again, like, I guess if you get money and you just and you never had none. I mean, I did it, but with like like little shit like a couple more tattoos and like i guess a better interface but i i would assume that if i had that i mean i don't know i will say too that like i've known a couple guys who didn't have that money who got the truck anyway

and that's an american pastime you start making like 42 000 a year and you're like you know what a $115,000 truck. Yeah, 700. So the 2021 Shelby F-150 has 775 horsepower. That is ridiculous. And he put it on fucking, would you say like a lift kit? Yeah, a huge lift kit. Mud tires. American forces. That's awesome. Now, this was in 2020.

It doesn't make any sense to me to put a racing engine in a car that heavy though I mean I don't know it looks like a Dodge yeah let me see almost one second

the way the front is yeah 775 I want to say the one I saw I had like because it has the horsepower on the body I want to say the one I saw had like, because it has the horsepower on the body. I want to say it was like 650 or something. It's ridiculous, dude.

Now, a Raptor would be nice. Dude, I've always liked them, man. I'm not a big Ford guy, but I do like Raptors. You saw those electric trucks, that model car they made? The Mavericks? No, no, the F100 crate. Yeah, yeah. That shit looked cool as fuck.

I know it's just a concept car. I don't know if they'll mass produce them, but I was like, man, that's cool. I won't be able to get one, but that is awesome. I do like that. It is profound. I'm stuck on the guy that, I'm stuck on the guy that... I'm stuck on a guy with 800 horses under his engine and then being like,

you know what this truck needs? To be seven feet off the fucking ground. Yeah, and he lived in fucking Azle, Texas. In like one of those shitty McMansions that they have. Of course, dude. Dude, that... They're like... So a part of my... some of my dad's family lives out in kings king king kingwood uh and like crosby mcmansion fucking station and you go out there and i would go out there and there would be like homes from like the low

400s or whatever and then when i was a teenager i was like that's that might as be well be 50 billion dollars but as i got older you'd go see these sprawling manors and these subdivisions for sale and i'm like how did you build a house this big for like 350 grand and then i found out what a mcmansion was like from the internet like i knew in my mind like what it conceptually was. But, like, dudes go do inspections on them, and they, like, pull on the door handle, and the whole fucking door mechanism, like, comes off. Like, you go to, like, install a flat screen TV, and you drill into the stud, and it's, like, the whole, like, wall just, like, falls the fuck off. I'm like, oh, okay.

Swag. I guess it doesn't really matter all that much to these guys. You know what? I might end up getting one. Fuck it. The healthy market. Yeah. Have you seen the Tonka F-150s?

I have not. That sounds cool as fuck. There's a couple of them in Fort Worth, and they are yellow. Tonka F-150. Let me get a look at this motherfucker. Yonka. Honestly, man. I don't like the look, but they have racing engines in them.

I'm not going to lie, dude. That looks pretty cool. I know that it... Fuck. I'm showing my ass here. That looks pretty fucking cool. 700 horsepower. I feel like that's too much for a truck isn't a

truck supposed to be mostly for utility well it's supposed to be mostly torque that's what you need you know yeah that's yeah like you're not racing the truck i guess you're just like you know right i i don't know i mean like in terms of aerodynamics, you know, what's the fucking point? It's a wall. It's literally a wall on wheels that's going, like. You're going to get, like, four miles to the gallon. Yeah. Yeah.

But I, yeah. But I think those are made for, like, Tonka employees, I want to say. Not, like, all of them, but. Tonka employees? want to say not like all of them but tonka employees is it like the it's the guys like the dominoes rolex i was gonna say is it the guys version of the pink mary k cadillac like if you work for tonka for like 900 years they give you a fucking race truck maybe i know i know you can buy them, like, used. I don't know. Maybe that's the next investment to start the show. Oh, it does have...

It comes with a lift kit with the 700 horsepower. Tonka F-150. The windows are as legally tinted as they can be in all 50 states. Six- inch lift. As of right now, its price is $110,000. Yeah, I'm looking at them. Dude, the red one looks fucking sick, dude. I'm not going to lie.

That's pretty fucking cool. The red one is the FTk is the FTX. No, I'm looking at Ford F-150 Tonka, red. No, I think we're on the same. Are you on bullvalleyford.com? Oh, I am, yeah. No, it's not. Are you on bullvalleyford.com?

Deep tinted windows, 50 state legal, factory leather seats. Let's check the price. If it's $600, I'm in. That's right. Yeah, we'll talk to the accountant and see if we can write off both of us getting racing trucks. Yeah, yeah. He's like, well, you have to have enough money for a down payment first.

Right. Mark, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Hey, listen, man. I applied for a down payment first. Right. Mark, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Hey, listen, man. I applied for a black card for the business. I didn't. Actually, you know what? I'm going to.

You should. I don't care if my credit gets down. By invite only, but if you apply. The business one you... No, not the black card. The business... Which one is the high... I think it's the Amex Platinum.

I don't know. The business version you can apply for if your business brings in a certain amount of money or whatever. But it would be fun to... Is it $200? Is it $2,000 a month? Dude, that would probably be the fees. Like what we make in this show

to just have that motherfucker. I know that we need to get one but it would be funny to get one and be like hey mark uh we're thinking about making like a really important uh like show purchase he's like what's up and i'm like listen man me and thomas to keep up with appearances the show has a certain vibe you know two texas boys we need racing trucks certain vibe you know two texas boys we need racing trucks uh now we don't have the capital liquid but i do have a credit card here with no limit so i'm wondering if we podcasted from the truck going 200 miles an hour for a video episode could we could we write just get just get ashley or eden to drive and then me and you sit in the bed of the truck. We do it, but we don't pay attention to where we're going,

and then we actually go like 200 miles away from where we're... I end up in like El Paso or some shit. Fuck. Fuck, I'm in Kansas right now. Yeah. Speaking of... You said something about 50 days. I saw Ben sent me a... it was like a, I don't know, some fucking lib.

Like, I didn't know any of this, but it was like, so Missouri and Louisiana are trying to ban IUDs and Plan B. And Idaho considering banning Plan B and IUDs. And I don't... Of course IUDs, they explode. Yeah, they go boom. That's really dangerous. We need to ban those. I was like laughing at the idea of a guy

who's like, babe, she's like, you need condoms? And he's like, babe, it's going to be illegal. Just like, not like a girlfriend, boyfriend situation, but like a one-night stand. It's like, hey, like, you know, bring protections. Like, no, like, they won't even let me pull out the state. Like, I'll get in big trouble, dude.

Like, you haven't read the news? They're banning IUDs, Plan B, condoms, birth control. And so, like, we have to have sex. Also, like, HPV vaccines are illegal now. Yeah. It's illegal for you to stay the night, too, after. You have to go back to your apartment. Unless you wanted to get married.

Yeah, but it's illegal for me to have a job, too. It's illegal for me to stop doing Klonopin. This is all in the law. I mean, you can read the laws. They said I have to pay play halo 16 hours a day now yeah yeah they said which i was already doing but now it's a loss so i can't even stop if i wanted to so like if you want to like if you want to be a criminal like i know how important god is to you and stuff so uh i don't want you to break the law and go to hell. So no condoms, no IUDs, no birth control, no plan B, no job for me.

And you have to work, and I get to eat painkillers because I went to the war. And that's how we're going to do it. Does that sound good to you? You know what they should ban? What? What? Is circuses. Have you ever been to one?

Yeah, they're silly. A lot of nonsense. I got a first... This is going to sound really fucking stupid. My ex-girlfriend's best friend's dad. This is one of those like three degrees separation he was the leader of the clowns in the state of texas he's like the biggest leader of the clowns yeah like circus like he's the biggest dick clown in the state of texas like he is that he is that

guy and uh the circus came to this city i think g Gerald, it's like a, in between Austin and around, right? It's like a hell of North middle of fucking nowhere. And my girlfriend at the time was like, Hey, so like, uh, you know,

so-and-so's dad, uh, he's like the leader of the clowns. I did not know this. She's not, she had known this girl her whole life. I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking.

They have a leader. Like, I just thought a clown was a guy who like tried to kill himself it didn't work and then he was like i guess i'll do something i didn't know they had like directors yeah like corporal like private clown or what the fuck i had no idea yeah like you work your way up through the clown like clown mafia like enforcer capo capo reggieo reggie. Like, yeah, I had no fucking idea. And so she's like, yeah. So so and so's dad said we can come to the circus and get like the VIP experience.

And I was like, I don't understand, but this sounds like something that I can do really drunk and it'd be cool. So I will join you. And I got to like meet all the clowns. I got to like meet the clowns and like learn the intricacies of clown life. And then one of the things we did that I was both like morally opposed to and terrified of was they put us on the back of an elephant. And I didn't like that. She was like, hey, we can ride the elephants after everyone leaves, and I was like, I don't know, that's fucked up, man.

They're smart creatures, and this is bad for them. She was like, don't be weird, just ride the fucking elephant, and I was like, all right, whatever, you're the boss. And we get on top of this fat motherfucker, and he's just like, he's one of the most majestic creatures that God concocted. And he's just got a hat on. It's so fucked up, dude. They had like a big top hat on this motherfucker.

It wasn't a real hat. I think it was like paper mache or something. And, you know, he's got like a cape on. And he's like, boom, boom, boom. But I kept thinking I was having a panic attack i was like at any moment you girls don't understand this maybe you do you're not thinking about it if this guy if this guy that i'm on right now this thing i'm riding if he remembers that he weighs 4,500 pounds and he's 14 feet tall all he's got got to do is rear and then fall. He'd be fine.

Me and you, the paste, in the dirt. And I die surrounded by clowns and magicians and fucking acrobats. For me, I'd rather die in a war I don't support than die surrounded by a bunch of drunk clowns and pedophile magicians. It wasn't even let me I want to it wasn't even like a big fucking circus man. This was like Joe Schmo's. Yeah how many

how many fucking clowns did you meet? Dude so they were like Yeah I got to meet all the clowns. Basically like king of clown knowledge. No I

this girl's dad was like hey if y'all are hungry like y'all can go eat at like the catering table or whatever. And I was like, oh, I'm fucking hungry. You know, whatever. I've had like 10 fucking twenty dollar beers. So I walk back and I'm going to go grab a sandwich or something.

And I go back to this back room and all these hallways in this room and they have a whole spread. And there's like 20 clowns in there, like in makeup but like noses off hat off and they're just like eating subway sandwiches and it was like i felt like i walked into like a dimensional like rift like in between like here and hell is just so they were all white room like fluorescent bulbs like a beer pong table with like old shitty sandwiches and they're just like and i'm not a clown i'm just a guy so i don't think he like i like walk back there and they're just like and i'm not a clown i'm just a guy so i don't think he like i like walk back there and they're like what's going on and i was like oh so and so the head head clown said i could come back here and grab some food i'm friends with his daughter

and he's they're like oh yeah help yourself or whatever and i'm like man this is fucking it's not weird in the sense of some bad weird, but I was like... I don't feel... I feel like I'm dangerous. Were they still acting like clowns? No, they were like, hey, you want a cigarette?

It's like, no. It would be way weirder if you met them not... They didn't break character or whatever? They're like, hey! Oh-hoo! Do you want turkey meatballs? Sub sandwich? Miss Vicky's jalapeno chip like i did like yeah that

would have sucked but i think it was what was more sad to me like morbidly funny was like it's just you just seen a bunch of guys they're like you know i'm like eight months behind on the truck payment so i gotta do a lot of these clown shows like i'm like yeah i'm imagining a guy driving a raptor home in like half clown makeup he's got like he's fucking the pedals up because he's got size 28 shoes i can't see you voting a school bus because you forgot to take off your clown when his face hits the fucking steering wheel the way it goes like flying across yeah it was one of the strangest experiences of my life because like also to add a little bit of like surrealness to it like the relationship was definitely on its way out this was something that

i agreed to do sort of as like i will you know so it was like i'm like there's tension there and then i'm surrounded by clowns elephants elephants, tigers, magicians, acrobats, flame eating people, sideshow freaks. And I'm like, this is not where I like. I was like, should I break up with her here? That would be sick just to be like, hey, I know the back of the elephant. Yeah, it's like, hey, look, it's been a solid run. Good year and a half. I know we're on the back of this beast right now,

but I don't fucking like you. Like, you know, I think I'm going to join this motherfucker, actually. That's what we're doing. Yeah, I was, I don't know. It was definitely a somewhat memorable experience. You know where it was hosted? At the basketball court for, like, the minor league team, I think, in Austin. And so it felt like a basketball area, but it was filled with clowns and wizards.

Yeah, you'd think they called in all the damn refs for a meeting. I think they would have called in LeBron, LaChina, fucking... Yeah, they probably would have. LaGiGian, LaGiGianJong, or whatever the fuck. Yes, they probably would have, Jake They probably would have LeGiGian LeGiGian Zhang Or whatever the fuck Yes they probably would have Jake They would have Yes

Because I understand Why people don't like LeBron For sure I definitely know Why They hate LeBron Because He's such a coward

And he's bad at basketball And he's a leftist Or something I guess He's He's Chinese They hate LeBron Because he's Chinese they hate LeBron because he's Chinese fucking a man dude I like that John Cena gets a little bit more Chinese looking every year

he here's the thing is that he I saw in an interview on this podcast or he was saying that Vince McMahon owns his name like the way that Hulk Hogan so like Hulk Hogan isn't his fucking name I forget Terry something but John Cena is his birth name but because John Cena is also a brand under WWE Vince McMahon like owns John Cena's like name and likeness but he doesn't have a side now that's his name so he was saying interview he's like yeah you know if anything would ever go south i'd have to like get another name and like the host starts laughing and he's like no like if anything ever soured like i'd

have to change my name because they own that and i was like that's so fucking like i i feel like how long is the contract for because he doesn't even do shows anymore, does he? He's a part of the WWE. Because if you're like a vet, so Stone Cold and The Rock, once or a couple years they'll come, drink a beer, kick a guy. You're under, but you're under some... UFC has similar shit with their commentators

and guys who are older but still on the roster. It's like you are on some contract or whatever. I think. And so he was just saying about roster it's like you are on some contract or whatever um i think uh and and so he was just saying about how it was like yeah like he's like i'm owned but then he'll fucking speak speak fluent mandarin so i'm like i learned more and more about the guy i feel like he's doing a bunch of side quests now he's just like well i have hundreds of millions of dollars from doing fucking anavar and whatever the fuck and smashing sledgehammers against guys heads so i'm gonna learn chinese i'm gonna get into karate i'm gonna wear denim

shorts to the mall he does chinese films right i think he's like an action star over there yeah yeah some shit be very funny like it's easy over there, you know? Yeah. Life's easier in China. We could really make a name for ourselves over here. Dude, if we leaned into the Texas thing, just go there. We are strong cowboy. We go strong cowboy. Yeehaw. Why are we talking like that?

Abandon our own accents. We're talking, translating to Chinese and then back to English. We are strong American. Strong Texan. Say yeehaw. Say yeehaw. Go store. Go animal feed store. Go store for animal.

Where you put my horse? Where truck go for horse town for sport? We're not even doing accents. Jake, wear my pants. Jake, jake wear pants wear big wrangler pant boot for me jake drive big truck it'd go boom boom jake have ranch gun for power for horsepower for steed steed jake need morphine prescription you good citizen give it to him I'm like at a bar yet I'm like trying to

translate on my phone I'm like Jake want a Vicodin beer Chinese Vicodin beer soda cocaine house like hey the guy's like hey dude um i'm from hong kong i speak english and i'm still like weed weed liquor fuck uh

oh god damn it dude I need big sandwich. I need big chicken sandwich for me. I feel like they could figure that one out. Big strong man need big tasty sandwich with meat. I want to start ordering food like that here. Hungry boy need chili. Hungry boy need chili with beans and rice here like your boy need lemonade yum yum you're like jersey mics you're standing there's the fucking pimply face kids like i'm

gonna help you man you're like big strong hungry boy need tasty toasted sub for big belly strength guys like hungry boy need ice cream yum yum sugar no before bed you guys like oh man hey listen i don't know what kind of shit you're on dude but like i'm not fucking with it today and you're like oh sorry to offend i need a big boy need money now i need big need rent money. Hungry boy two-time felon. Hungry boy don't care anymore. Hungry boy need lemonade, Sprite, money behind register, cheese sandwich. Hungry clown tired.

Lay down on the floor. Don't even rob or eat. Hungry clown sleepy. Just like Paul. Just wake up surrounded by police, and the guy's like, get the fuck out of here. I don't know. What's going on? I just want a sandwich.

You wouldn't give it to me. They're like, why are you talking like that? I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about, man. Get the fuck out of here. I didn't do anything illegal, by the way. They're putting you why are you talking like that? I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about, man. Get the fuck out of here. I didn't do anything illegal, by the way. They're putting you in the cop car. Hungry boy, do no wrong.

Hungry boy not going to jail. Hungry boy wearing bomb vests. Hungry boy dad is DA. Hungry boy dad worked for Blackwater. Hungry boy. I don't. know what man like it I feel like I like the people who work at the sandwich shops or whatever

like the franchise ones they probably be like probably just decipher it they probably be like alright Hungry Tomato you want roast beef six inch toasted with like A1 sauce. And you're like, indeed, Hungry Boy didn't think you figure out what need for belly. Yeah, man. We got the soda, the freestyle thing.

You just want me to give you a cup. Hungry Boy want to make soda in the machine. His own lemon drink. Thirsty. Hungry Boy love Pepsi,psi vanilla diet and ice hungry boy love bubble water and sweet sugars hungry boy needed syrup for his tummy yum yum yes tell me and then i get a belly ache and i go boom boom in the bathroom which you clean listen man um just put the card in the Hungry boy pay cash

Hungry boy Holgo winky From big boom boom Big boom Hungry boy wear a diaper To Jimmy John's sandwich shop Hungry boy one lick floor Hungry boy binge 250 for reps

Please feed hungry boy Guy's like Alright alright Fuck it Whatever dude for reps please feed hungry guys like all right all right fuck it whatever dude I he like locked the door on your way in the store like you lock it behind you hungry boys back it's like I fuck god damn it I really do want to go to

like I was talking to Ashley about like places that I want to see and like I have a list and like I would want to go to like I was talking to Ashley about like places that I want to see and like I have a list and like I would love to go to like Tokyo or like Thailand I want to go to Thailand so fucking bad not for what you're thinking out there some of you weirdos yeah he does not like Thai food

I'm there for the sex I'm not there to learn why Thai from fucking champions I'm there for the sex tourism and drug not not there to learn why thai from fucking champions i'm there for the sex tourism and drug you know but uh but i was looking on like dude you can get a condo there and you can rent it you know for fucking super cheap and i was like fuck man i want to go to i want to go to thailand and then i was like what do you talk like you have a whole life okay i'll like daydream like at like on the couch like on my lunch break i I'm like, dude, I could go to fucking Thailand, dude.

And I get a condo and I can fucking do my tile day, smoke cigarettes and drink fucking rice wine and fucking do karate. And then like it's like the rational part of my brain is like, did you have a dog? You have a show. You have like a girlfriend. That's like the first like you have a much bigger obligation. Yeah. You have like family that like, it's not that, like, first of all, like, passport, like, what are you doing? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I can't.

And then, like, 30 minutes later, it's like, dude, fucking Finland's beautiful. I don't even fucking speak that shit, but you can get a condo in Finland pretty cheap. And again, it's like, dude, you can't. Like, what are you doing? Like, you make 50 000 a year like this is not that you know is lottery you know not happening or whatever but i do want to go it would be super cool to ride a tuk-tuk around town and fucking hungry hungry boy had so much fun in thailand hungry boy need ecstasy hungry do you have a hungry boy curious uh people renting selling i'm wearing like the muay thai shorts hungry boy need organ hungry hungry boy curious if you have

lung lung of man heart of liver of man of lung for leg cheap on the market for hungry boy hungry boy's a new a great new character do people get transplants over there people go uh dude i love there's a whole forum uh i think it's there's one on reddit for sure but i was looking at one the other day that was not reddit somebody linked it to me on twitter it's uh people that go and get like bbls and veneers and like lifts and like injections in like Bogota, Colombia for like $800 from a guy who just has a building and a scalpel like that. Like, I don't know what it takes to be a doctor like in like some like Bogota is a nice place, but like in it, like what it takes to be a plastic surgeon in some of these like i guess second world countries or whatever but it is a fucking nightmare dude if i see i get some of the pictures i'd like shown to you but people are like like i got my bbl in fucking you know i got my bbl uh in panama city from a guy who just had like a monkey in the front like he was working you know like on the computer

and uh i paid him 200 in 20s crisp unmarked uh and then he just jammed a bunch of like greek yogurt in my ass cheeks and now i have sepsis and like i don't know how much longer like it's fucked up people get the veneers they look like the mask like they file i didn't know i thought it was like a grill you put on no they get their teeth filed down to nubs right and then they and they get yeah i didn't i had no idea i thought you just had like a rig but it would just look like teeth i'm a fucking idiot but like uh they're just like absolute nightmares and i was thinking you know what if my life went to shit, me and you, just get some veneers. Get a permanent tan. You could do that, apparently. Like Tropic Thunder style.

But like a light tan. Just get real sexy with it. What you looking at, man? I'm looking at bad veneers. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. You gotta go down that little rabbit hole. It's so sick. Oh, man.

Yeah, they're tough, dude. Some of them are really... They look like fucking chiclets, dude. Yeah, they don't... Oh, man. Also, teeth aren't supposed to be that white. Like, you're supposed to have white teeth. But they're not supposed to be like like a paint white yeah like like something like a primer white i like uh like i saw like conor mcgregor got some and i'm like they don't i'm like dude you got

hundreds of millions of dollars like they're they're kind of fucked up looking uh they're not too bad but they're not... I mean, he's Irish. He's probably doing the best he can. Yeah. Like, an Irish millionaire is still, like, just a guy who works at the store. In terms of net worth. The worst veneers ever.

Oh, God, his old teeth are terrible. Yeah, no, they were fucked up, but the veneers kind of look fucked up too I hope he listens to this show Connor if you're listening I hate you I want to get dude he's just out there he's getting fucked up and delivering like three piece combo no drink to like DJ's and shit

and they're winning massive lawsuits I need to be where this motherfucker's at I can take a punch I need to be where he's at piss him off get KO'd and wake up and go straight to the fucking bank. Conor McGregor. Well, let's see. Conor McGregor.

I saw the one where he punched a guy at the bar, but... DJ. Conor McGregor DJ. He just, like, three-pieced a DJ for something at a fucking club. Or as a hotel.

Conor McGregor punches an Italian DJ. Yeah, he like fucked his face up. He said this guy. Oh, he so apparently Conor baptizes his son at the Vatican and then goes to a party

gets fucked up and knocks the DJ out. That's the thing. That rules. So they were partying and having a good time. That's awesome. I'm going to take my son to the holiest city next to maybe fucking dome of the rock i'm gonna get my little baby boy baptized and then i'm gonna go to a party and do a bunch

of fucking yak and get hammered to shit and knock the dj out break did you see did you see the circumstances no it says so this guy and his wife were having fun, says in quotes, with McGregor for several hours in Rome. And then McGregor invited them to a different party. When the DJ accepted that invite, McGregor punched him in the nose and broke it. Hey, man, you want to hang out somewhere else? Sure. Just fucking broke his nose. That's awesome, man.

I love that. That is so sick that that is a level of wealth where you're like i'm gonna go baptize my firstborn at the vatican then i'm gonna go knock out a famous italian dj that's just gonna be tuesday for me that's like, you know, I'm a busy guy. You know, I got shit, fucking people, babies to shake, hands to kiss. When you want to go to the crazy store, you probably better go and grab some more buckets of that crazy stuff. And you're looking at nude pictures and it's buff.

I didn't set out any food to cook, even though I told my girlfriend that I would. Everything is still frozen, so I probably will just order pizza. Uh, yeah. Everything is still frozen, so I probably will just order pizza. Thomas, what are you doing this weekend? Are we hanging out? I think we're hanging out. Yeah, I'm coming up. What day are you coming up? I'm going to come up Saturday.

Saturdays are for the boys. Saturdays are for the boys. Saturdays are for the fucking boys. The boys are going to... I'm not sure what day they're going to be here. So a lot will depend upon that. Are you coming up in the morning or at night? I'm probably going to leave in the morning. She was born in the morning.

Late October San Antonio. And Jacob is driving to my home. Yeah, I'm going to get out of here probably around 8 or 9. I got a friend staying the night. Friday is at a metal concert. Yeah, I'm going to get out of here probably around 8 or 9. I got a friend staying the night.

Friday is at a metal concert. I don't know if I'm going to stay Sunday. We're going to see. I appreciate the offer. I mean, it would have been very funny if you were like, hey, man, talk to Eden. And like, we don't like you, dude, like at all. You're super fucking annoying and like ungrateful. Yeah, like don't.

If you could just like get a hotel every time you come up here. I don't know what you don't understand about this friendship is strictly transactional business. It's not like she thinks you stink. We've never done anything for each other ever. I don't know shit. We've never done shit. You never helped me out at the beginning of the show. You didn't drive me home. we're not friends dude like i don't understand what you fucking like you know

like we do hate each other like you need to remember that yeah yeah we're not you know this isn't something you know every day we do this i just the one hour that's the only time that i care to hear your fucking voice and even then i got you on mute most of the time. It's weird that the show even makes sense because a lot of times I'm just speaking nothing into a muted microphone. Sometimes I'm firing a gun and it never shows up on the mic. I don't know.

I wish that you'd get electrocuted by every gear. I wish an eel would kill you. Dude, I've been obsessed with this guy on TikTok that's building an eel hole. That's what he calls it. So he had like a, it's not a basement. It's like he lives in like a high flood area. And it's like a concrete fucking like just a concrete square under his house.

And it's usually it fills with flood water or whatever and he like fucked with it somehow fuck the foundation of his house and he made just a big concrete pool under his house it's dark and uh he's like i'm gonna show you guys my eagle hole and i was like i'm sold follow like let's see what because that's i'm gonna show you my eel hole i'm already in and sure enough dude he goes down this dark stairway with like one light and he's like i got a bunch of eels down here and like that was a video and i was like mm-hmm yep that he's like like the second video he gives more details or whatever he's like yeah you know i'm upset like i studied the animals or whatever

and he's like my wife you know know, she was supportive of it. And I was like, when he said that, I thought, like, okay, wives put up with the man cave, you know, and like I'm hitting the 18 holes with the boys on Sunday or whatever. I can't imagine going to my wife and saying, hey, you know the thing that, like, has flood water so we don't die and the house doesn't go away? I'm'm gonna put a bunch of eels in there electric ones morays um river eels uh eels i buy from does he have different types of eels yeah he's got and he's got them cordoned

off so they don't fuck with each other but he lets them like swim around if they're like friends or whatever at least from what i've seen he's got different types of eels and so it's a pretty big eel hole yeah no it's big no it's like the size of like what you'd think what you'd see in like a movie like a basement like it's fucking big dude but it's just a concrete walls all around gray concrete dark brackish water like mud water and then every now and then a big son of a bit you'll see the back of one just kind of you know like i got a bunch of eels in here and he feeds them like live like fucking fish and shit it's pretty sick uh to me that's like the ideal like people are like oh i'm on the spectrum i'm like all right maybe you're just weird at parties that is autism like that is like like top tier like i'm gonna get an eel hole

i'm gonna spend all my money on a hole that i put different types of eels in dude that fucking rules that's all it's awesome i love that guy i don't i don't know him but i support him wholeheart pissed though make your whole family yeah john he's you know he got into like you know restoring old trucks and stuff i was like yeah mike um he's dropped like 60 grand into his thing he's like like, what the fuck? Is he building cars again? No, he's got an eel hole. He's got a big concrete hole under the house.

It's like, oh, does he show the eels to people? He's like, yeah, but it's just a gray hole. It's not pretty or nothing. Does he have it lit? Not really. pretty or nothing is it like does he have it lit no not really uh yeah no it's not well lit and it's not uh it doesn't look it's cool because there's eels in there but he doesn't it's not like a place like it's not a place you bring a guy down to it looks like you're gonna kill somebody in there or whatever. It's pretty fucking sick, though. I want to meet this guy.

I need to get him on the show. Where does he live? I don't know. Sorry. Born free. I don't know where he fucking lives. But I'm sure it's a place that has flooding and eels. So I don't know.

Sucking on my titties. Eating on my hot chip. Fucking around with my friend Thomas. Eating an eel and I'm going. It tastes so good. I think I ate eel. I've had eel before, yeah. You can have like.

Like sashimi or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I've been fucking wanting to get some sushi. We should get some fucking... Do you like sushi? Yeah, I like it every once in a while. Put it on the company card. The company card.

We're putting sushi on the company card. The guy told us not to spend anything stupid on the company card. But guess what? We're going to the flying fish on the company card. $65 on the company card, but guess what? We're going to the flying fish on the company card. $65 on the company card. Sorry, Mark. It's on the company card. Wicked, wicked, wicked.

It's just gas money, $400 at the company card. A new down payment with the company card. I just bought a house with the company card. Going to Nobu on the company card. I just bought a house with the company card. Going to Nobu on a company card. There's only like $2,500 in the company card.

Anyway, the company card. IRS owns all the money on the company card But I wanted a Topo Chico On the company card Beef jerky stick Pretty soon I'll be driving the company car Yeah

Next time we get Mark on the phone He's like hey we wrote a song for you man We're really grateful for your work you're doing for us. God, driving on the company car. I've been put beef jerky on the car. All right, hey,

enough. No, we're not doing that. It's like, it's not. I got Mark on the phone and I'm humping him hard. Oh, yeah,

yeah. What else do you want to put on the company car? I don't even do drugs no more. I bought an eight ball off the company car. I bought some rainbow trout on the company card. $2,000 reel on the company card. Haven't fished in 20 years on the company card. I bought an old-ass boat on the company card.

It can't even float on the company card. It sunk in the yard. It's the company card. It can't even float on the company card. It sunk in the yard. It's the company card. I bought a new company card with the company card. Face tattoos with the company card. I can't

like, I mean, obviously, like, it's for, like, it would be very funny to be like, it's like, yeah, you know, we've just been, he's like, you've been following my advice, guys. It's like, yeah, you've been following my advice, guys. It's like, yeah, we've just been using it for gas, food, emergency, stuff like that. It's like, all right, so IRS sent what you owe. It's about five, six grand. So what do you guys got liquid right now so we can get a payment plan going? I'm like, I just hit play.

I got a boom box on my shoulder. It's like, it's like hey mark real sorry no money on the company card it's about a big boom box with a company card i pull a gun out i bought a glock 18 with the company card i hollow points on the card in my company card just aiming it at you and me bow bow bow it's the company card i bought an ATM with the company card. I bought a bulletproof vest. It's the company card. I got a bulletproof vest on the company. Guys, I just need a number. So there's 18 bucks in there.

There was three grand in there, what, four days ago? Yeah. What happened? Play. I got beef jerky sticks on the company car. I got a wrap for the Honda on the company car. Or your SUV. You just get like a candy wrap for your like.

That's the iridescent green on the company car. I need you guys to understand we don't get this sorted. You weren't in hot water, but you will be facing jail time. I bought some 8-inch rims on the company card. I got the bail bond man on the company card. I ain't seeing no jail. It's the company card.

It's like this is federal offense, okay? Like you can't bail. There's no bail bonds. I got a bin bottle of chain with the company card. Company card. I'm getting fucked in my ass because of my company card. I have to join the AB on

the company card. I just bought some spaghetti on the company card. Got ramen noodles for the yard with the company card. I'm at the commerce store getting beef jerky sticks. The idea of having a company card is very funny because I'm at the commerce store getting beef jerky sticks. I do. The idea of having a company card is very funny because it literally is what it is.

But I never thought in my life ever, ever in my life. And it's not even like I'm not flexing this. It's just something when I pictured my life like as an adult, I would have to be like that. I would not text a friend and be like, yeah, just throw it on the company card. And then now I'm like, I guess I'll get gas on the company car. And it's just it's not like it's it's weird. It's not again, not a flex. I can't buy anything with it.

I can't buy it at all. I'm going to get some gas from my nice ass car. I'm going to get some gas on a Nissan Altima that I pay five hundred and thirty bucks a month for. I'm going to get some gas on a Nissan Altima that I pay $530 a month for. It's not fucked. That I probably paid $60,000 for because I was rocking a hard place. For a base Nissan Altima with fucking... Dude, when I explain that to people, they're like, what happened?

And I'm like, my boss told me I have to get a car uh or i'm gonna lose my job and i looked and looked and looked and looked and that was the best deal i could get 530 a month like nine percent interest for five years and they were like so why didn't you like uh just get a beater and i was like i had a beater the motor blue and i didn't have any money to put down on anything and I already owe the bank six grand so I put it on the company no I didn't have a company card I uh I had a please give me a car uh and no money so that's what happened but it's I owe like 14 on it so the number is the number is lowering uh but I'm coming up on my like maturation date or whatever so I gotta fucking put a company card you know paying the rest of my emancipation date yeah uh july 2023 what does that mean the maturation the emancipation the maturation date means like you owe the rest of the loan now because the loan was set over five years or six years yeah

it was a five-year loan. So when the maturation date comes, if you still owe money, which, like, I literally didn't pay my car payment for, like, five months because I was so broke. That, like, you have to pay it all then, no matter what condition the car is in. It could be, like, exploded. And they're like, you know, your gap insurance expires a lot of shit. But you guess what? When you got a company card, you just put the rest of your car payments on the company card. You could just get a loan for

another, how about another 60 months? Another 120 month lease on the company card. $2,500 down on a Hellcat for the company card. Like $900 a month payments. I'm glad that we got the

beef jerky stick. I'm going to get a fucking Twinkie. Get some gas. Vape stick. No, I don't need that shit. Hey, listen. Check this shit out. This fucking weekend

on the company card weekend tour. We will be giving out both of our company cards for the company card. No, this week, this weekend, Tulips on Sunday. You can check out the tickets at swag poop dot com. We're going to be with the boys and podcast about list on their COVID-19 super spreader tour go check that fucking shit out we want to see you guys it's very funny when only it's only been one interaction there was a guy it was like y'all are coming to Fort Worth it was on Twitter and I was like yeah and he was like oh shit that's cool I

was like you coming to show it he was like no that's like, that's cool. I was like, you coming to the show? And he was like, no. I was like, oh, swag. That rocks. But he probably, I think he was just fucking with me. But yeah, come out to the show, Tulips on Sunday. Tickets at swagpoop.com. You can find those. And then I'm going to drop the link on the Patreon so everyone can see it. We should probably have a fucking website.

Maybe we should talk about that after the show. see it we should probably have a fucking website maybe we should talk about that after the show but uh i'm gonna drop the ticket link where to buy our tickets at creek in the cave austin's big comedy club in austin uh we went there last year it was a sick fucking show so we're doing two friday night shows seven to nine back to back uh comedy fucking our show Some comics will be doing shit as per usual. Tickets are $20 online. $25 at the Doe. That's June 24th. $25 at the Doe. If you got one, you can put it on your

company card. You can sell at the venue on the company card. I buy up all the fucking tickets with the company card. Technically, it's sold out on the company card. I lost $2,500 on the company card. Technically, it sold out on the company card. I lost $2,500 on the company card because nobody came

to my show and I cried real hard, but I win. Ooh, there we go. Yeah, come out to those shows. They're going to be sick. We might...

Little bitty secret. We might have some merch, maybe. Hopefully. Yeah, we'll see you on that. No promises. No promises. No promises. No promises.

We ain't promises. Shit. No promises. Except for a good-ass show. A good-ass show. It's a killer vibe. Maybe it'll be good. Who knows?

Because we don't... Maybe we'll plan some stuff. June 23rd at the Creek in the Cay. It's June 24th, you fool. June 24th, 79th. I've been telling everybody, June 23rd. I've told at least 50 people. June 23rd.

Well, it's a month out and a half, so we should still be good. I've been telling people, it's a Friday the 23rd. They're going to be confused as hell. I'm fucking, I'm not really mad about it. Just don't do that anymore. Please. I'm going to tell people it's the 25th. Bitch.

Bitch. You been pranked. You been. Oh, I got your ass, bitch. You didn't get to go. I sold four tickets. Four tickets to four people who do not like me anymore. We lost the venue $7,000. Somehow, I don't understand.

I don't get it. I don't get it. Yeah, go check that shit out. Bye. Bye.