Pendejo Time - corporate casual crackers

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

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Do this, gays. Ah! Ah! The dogs. The dogs are biting my legs. What's happening? Come on, man. We talked about this.

This is the improv thing. Oh, yeah. We're doing the improv thing. Ah! The dogs. They keep biting off of my skin part. Not the dogs biting your skinny skin part of your flap. They're really tearing into my organ.

Damn, I hope they don't get your nubs. I resent this. Due to generations of trauma. You know, the thing about trauma is dogs can smell it. I hope they can't smell my big, nasty black pussy. Man, you know what's funny is I'm trying to think of like. Because there's a scab on it. I'm trying to think like improv troops that are like.

Ones I've seen in Austin. Like that line would crush for real in earnest. It would get like claps and whoops. But not if you said it. You know what I'm saying? It's like the kind of stand up. What do you mean not if I said it? I said it. Well, what I'm saying is like it's like the stand up where like a big fat gay guy goes up and he's like, so I'm fat and I'm gay.

I don't know if you could tell. And then like the whole crowd goes eight whoa yeah it's like that type it's like i've got a big old i wish it worked for guys like me and you yeah we can't be proud of about to do some plowing with my big black cock yeah well like this just just you know me it's like man you know what like you You know what the guys love to get a whiff of? My stinky butt cheeks, dude. Like, my big, white, stinky ass cheeks that got hair on them. Yeah, I always get worried, you know, when a girl likes me that she really just wants some black dick. It's just dead silence. Just go up and do, like, six minutes of like eddie murphy ross type stuff where it's like you

ever be but don't do the voice just be like you ever be like you know eating eating pussy and then you know just like i'll hit me with that black dick and you're like all right then like you don't have to wait twice just dads yell so much and they're so abusive but it's funny it's so cool to you know what like you know what just gets me going is a pack of new ports you know a lot of times after a hard day at work i like to get a pack of new ports and an old english uh everybody's got that one uncle who's always getting too drunk at the barbecue am i right guys everybody's got that one uncle who's always getting too drunk at the barbecue am I right guys? everybody's got that one uncle that wears a leather cabbie hat

and has a Gucci phone case isn't that crazy? and he can't pay child support either isn't that just it drifts into just complete racism what is it with us black guys and not paying child support?

Nick Raddick is like, what the fuck are you doing? No, it's okay. We need to call ourselves out, all right? Because I know your sisters have had enough. We need to hold ourselves accountable as young black kings. We got to keep ourselves accountable as young black kings we gotta we gotta keep ourselves accountable as young black kings because you know as a part of like the riders you know like because that's what we are like the riders movement is is that you know like we got to stop chasing the cars the clothes and

the pussy and we got to start chasing degrees and you know dual income you know i i was watching that new domer show on netflix and i just kept thinking you'd never see a black woman doing that because and let's be honest ladies it would be because our nails would be too damn long it you know we wouldn't i don't even know what that you know what's crazy about it ladies is it like because we if you say it's like a 10 minute walk to the apartment i am well i'm not walking 10 minutes that's for white people i'm not you can you could never see my black ass walking down the street you just would not see it due to uh kind of it's pretty off topic but i was having a field day with uh just like the comments like people on like instagram reels with like the just their dom or show whatever they're like why did nobody whoop his ass like why did i suppose i posted

on this dude and people in the quote tweets were like oh he did get beat to death and somebody so yeah basically like i what pissed me off so much was like amer i don't know if it's strictly americans but i'm gonna say it because it to me makes no sense there's something about like just your average american guy that drastically overestimates how good they are at fighting and how strong they it's like it's like the stepdad or the uncle that's like watching nfl it's like well what i would have done is i would hit that spin move and then that stiff arm and they're like 500 pounds you know like five eight like these comments are like so like i don't know why anybody just like didn't square up with dommer and then just like beat the fuck out of him and leave and it's like you're drastically overestimating like your own

bravery man like you're not a tall guy he was a tall dude that worked out and he like ate people so you don't think a little bit of that energy like like he was a tall dude who like lifted weights and like had like you know uh like serial killer strength i would imagine like your adrenaline's going you know i don't know i never killed nobody but um yeah the shit just like it's it's so weird the links people's like hey if that would have been me y'all would a three-piece dommer and hit him with a triangle choke like i would, if it was me in there, what I would have done... Me and Jeffrey Dahmer... He takes me home for the night.

All right, I don't know anything about this guy. Right. I just know he likes to party. And he drinks too much. What I'm doing... You know, I'm going home, and he's so dashing. You know? He's the quiet type.

And those skinny white boys... The quiet, skinny white boys the quiet skinny white boys that's the type with that big long meat meat stick yeah dude oh yeah probably gonna start um if i know it's probably gonna be a self-defense situation in a few hours so i'm gonna start doing this i'm gonna start sucking on his whale yeah i'm gonna start'm going to start working it with my mouth and tongue, and what I'm going to do is, once I start taking that big fat thing of lard down into my cavern, and by that I mean my wet throat area. I'm trying to get that tube down like a fucking pop's push pop.

Yeah, because you can tell by how I'm saying it, this sounds hot to me. Yeah, I really want to take that fucking the thing with the skin on it the bendy once i get that crazy straw down to my my goop zone you know that bowl shark once i get that cane toad down to my fucking yeah yeah my fucking ice camera start just dry at least kind of grating back and forth on it my teeth yeah yeah and i'm gonna put my wet mouth on his member his gland and then i'm gonna make him hold the back of my head and just fuck my head as hard as i wanted to with my admittedly you know middle ground throat game. You know, I've got some scarring in my lungs and my breathing capacity. I've got like esophageal varices, I think, from drinking Mad Dog.

You know, most of my family gets COPD at a certain age, and I can already feel it. Like 26. Anyway. and I can already feel it. Like 26. Anyway, but I would probably, you know,

I would really sell the, the innocence of it, you know, I would probably make little doe eyes up at him as I was, I was messing around with his, his object.

Big old fucking, his horn. Yeah. Trying to get his, you know. And I think the key would be I would make a bust so huge he'd make a big,

probably really solid load. And after it sort of congealed and, you know, I'd say, you know, grab the towel. He would go to grab the towel, but he'd be so sleepy. Yeah. You know, and as he went to grab the towel, he comes back from the bathroom. Maybe he's got other plans in mind. Right. But he grabs a towel. He comes around.

There's no nobody in sight. He's thinking, oh, holy moly. Where did this sucker go? Yeah. I am behind him and you see me in the shadows. The camera crew could capture this. They could see me. Right.

I touch his shoulder. Uh-huh. Tease him. Yep. He spins around. I'm already on my knees and I'm sucking his dick again. Okay. Basically, I do that pretty much all night.

For two to three years. Worn out like an old rag. I'm like a sock you find in the garage who's been used for who knows what. Oil and transmission fluid all over me. Blood. Taking that same tone as a fake tough guy. A guy that's like yeah i could you know take a ufc fight you know i was like oh i could be you know i could be in the nfl in my younger

days like taking one of those guys but just making him like so disgustingly so gay like the kind of gay that it's just kind of like you're like man that's it's like you know i would just a lot of people like they're cowards and a lot of men are cowards. And so they wouldn't stand up for themselves. So basically, you know, like there's a lot of betas out there. And so I wouldn't let him do that to me. Like in a situation like that, I'm going to basically throw it back on him like a dog scooting around that's got worms. I'm just going to kind of fucking, you know, get on my knees and just start squatting.

And then after that, I figured we could watch a couple movies together and have dinner. And I probably would just get married, you know. Just figured, you know, I married Jeffrey Dahmer because that's just the kind of, because I won't let people walk all over me. I need you to understand that.

Like, you know, you can spit on me and call me names, but I'm going to stand up for myself by fucking pushing that thing back on it like a real piece of shit. Imagine how humiliating it would be to have sex with Francis Ngannou, even as a gay guy. He's just a fucking...

Imagine his giant head sucking your dick. You'd feel so stupid. You know that man's built for greater things. Yeah. He's just a specimen. It'd be like fucking Godzilla in the ass. Have you ever seen Prometheus? Yeah, it's like one of the engineers.

You're just trying to suck that guy's dick. You're just like, man, I feel like you should be creating civilizations, man. I feel like you should be, you know, like God gave you so many gifts and we're just having sex in the parking lot of a Trader Joe's. That would be silly. Just something like that would be so crazy. Francis Ngannou. The accent.

I don't want to do it because it's racist and I've never done anything like that in my life. Dude, I can't fucking. Is she lesbian? Francis Ngannou. No.

Oh, wait. I forgot to bring Ronda Rousey. No, she was married to. I was trying to think. I had a joke in my head and it ended up being too cliche. She was married to Travis Brown, I think. The other UFC guy.

Travis Scott? Yeah, she was married to Travis Scott. Who was that guy that... That rapper slash post- poster smoke perp or space ghost i forget but he posted that picture of uh asap rocky in a hot tub with his pants off oh the space ghost space ghost yeah he was like saying that some guy had his thumb in his asshole or some shit i was like I know this is probably fake, but like, God damn, if it's real,

like, that's awesome. It's like, it's not even, like, not even full-blown gay sex. It's just hanging out, you know, with like your producer. And he's just like, hey, let me pop the thumb in. Like, you know,

these guys want to lay some tracks down. But first, just let me, you know, just a little bit, just a little something for Danny. Happy birthday, man, dude. I was super excited to see that you had a birthday. Yeah, I have one every year. So it's like it's not, you know.

23. Dude, we've been doing this show so long. I feel like we met when you were 12 and I was, I guess, 30. Yeah, we did. And a lot of people, you know, they say this is like a grooming show because you know I'm 55 but the thing is

is that you know young men keep me you know they keep me feeling alive they keep me feeling young so that's kind of why the thing is in my heart

I still feel like 15 or 16 years old you know I still feel like the young kid on the block but he's got something to prove. But a whole lot of fight in his heart. You know? I feel like I could kill a grown man with my bare hands and not feel a thing.

I'm sorry, I'm a little out of it. Right before you hit the record button, someone sent me a video of a big baboon sitting on the hood of a guy's car and jacking off and eating his own load. Which, you know, monkeys are wild, man. You know, chimps and primates are just out-of-this-world type critters. What's going on? What? Everything on? What?

Everything okay over there? Yeah. You just thought maybe something bad happened to you or, you know? I was just zoned out. What are you thinking about? Getting just bailed out by a big fucking beast? No, I was about to, in all honesty, I was about to fart, and then I remember I don't have a mute button on this mic.

Dude, are you weird about farts? I think you are, yeah. I am weird about doing it on a microphone. You're weird? Who gives a shit? It's just butt noise. Dude, I fucking ripped ass. I'll rip ass loudly at the store.

I don't give a fuck at all, dude. I don't like doing that. I don't do stuff like that. That's foreign to me, man. Dude, I'll fart in an Uber. I don't give a fuck at all, dude. I don't like doing that. I don't do stuff like that. That's foreign to me, man. Dude, I'll fart in like an Uber. I don't give a fuck. I'll shit my pants in an elevator. Dude, I care.

I mean, what's the worst that's going to happen? Somebody's going to shoot and stab me? Because I do a little poopy poopy? I don't like it. I get very pissed off when people do that around me. Yeah, I know you do. In fact, I think the second video episode... You fart on me all the time.

I don't fart on you. I fart on the couch. You sit right next to me and fart at least one time every month. That is true, but I don't fart on... That's as often as we hang... Every time we hang out, I get farted on. I don't fart on you. I fart...

It's sexual abuse. You just make a big phone note. You just do the whole thing. It's like, I've been meaning to say this since the beginning of the show. I know you guys like Jake, and he is a nice guy, but there's something I've got to let you guys in on that really tested my emotional and mental health. He's been sexually abusing me with his ass.

People are like, what? Like, how does that even... I'm so sorry. Like, how does that happen? Like, we gotta get him. We gotta hold him accountable. He's like, man, he just... He turns his butt cheeks towards me and just fucking farts, like, right on my leg, dude.

It's just been fucking me up mentally and emotionally. And then he'll call me the fart boy And that doesn't even make sense Because the farts are coming from him Yeah He should If some I don't agree with calling anybody the fart boy But if somebody should be called that

It should be Jake and not me Dude, Ashley sometimes will make me get up And go to the bathroom To like fart Because I'll do it so much Like after dinner Like we eat something fucked up I have IBS, dude So I'm I'll do it so much. Like after dinner, like we eat something fucked up. I have IBS dude.

So I'm born to do it. So like we were watching a show and I would just like, like just get up and like go to the bathroom. And she was like, dude, this is like the 10th time in an hour. I'm like, yeah,

you know, I don't, I don't, I'll do it. I'll do it on an airplane. That I think is evil, but it is funny to me. Uh,

I don't give a fuck, man. I like, I think, is evil, but it is funny to me. I don't give a fuck, man. One day, though, I want someone to beat the fuck out of me for it because it would be very funny to have to call into work and be like, I got into a fight. Oh, my God, were you mugged? No, I was in line at the produce section at HEB. I was getting some Brussels sprouts for dinner,

and I just kind of ripped ass, and the guy next to me just turned to me and knocked me the fuck out just like he's like ko'd me dude um yeah i don't really give a fuck uh people are weird i actually farted on a lady at central market the other day that's that's funny not on her directly but um i was going to buy milk, and as I went over to the milk section, I got hit. It had to happen, and I was the only one in the area, so I let the choppa bang. Yeah. And then this woman comes over with her cart and starts giving me, like, the sex eye. Like, ooh, or whatever. And I'm just like.

I can smell your fucking butt cold, dude. I'm just looking. I'm just sort of, like, looking through her. Like, please, God. Go away. Remove yourself from the premises. Because it had been, like like seven or eight times. I was like.

I was like. Just letting him sing. Yeah. Just all at once. And she just walked like into the cartoon cloud and was like giving me a look like hey. Hey baby. Like you should ask for my number or something. I'm going to get milk and I i'm gonna go back and tell my girlfriend

i got milk and then i'm gonna tell her that i accidentally farted on a lady at the store yeah i don't i don't know man the one reason why i don't do it is i guess i try to avoid it is like more so lately is because i told you last april I shit my pants at the pool hanging out with my brother and I don't want to have like another moment like that because like I was we were at the pool I was able to kind of you know handle it a little bit better I was able to kind of play it off but I think if I were to shit myself like at work or something like if I have to go into the office or if I shit myself like at the, I guess it's a little bit more difficult to handle. And I feel like there's obviously for the first, let's call it five to six years of your life, and that's being pretty generous, a little poop once a year is super normal.

In fact, for the first two or three years it's a lot of shit in your pants yeah you're supposed to for a while yeah for like four to six doing a little dookie every now and then i guess is acceptable but from like seven till like 70 you really aren't supposed to be shitting yourself like you really just get like only but then after you're like allowed to do it again and i'm just kind of pushing against that i think you know, you're allowed to do it again. And I'm just kind of pushing against that, I think. If you're a 28-year-old man and you've got the stomach of an 82-year-old Jewish woman, like European Jewish, not like New York Jewish, you should be allowed to make a little poo-poo in your fucking pantaloons every now and then.

Because it's your God-given right as an American to shit yourself. Who's going to say anything to you, you know? I'm going to say, yuck, where did you get your clothes at Stink Factory? Man, at the conference at work yesterday, they had a bunch of shit kickers out there that brought armadillos, and we got to race them. This job is so fake, dude. You did armadillo racing? Yeah, we played chicken shit bingo, too.

It was fun as fuck. I thought armadillos carried disease. They had us wear gloves. Like tuberculosis and shit. Yeah, like lupus and shit. I don't know, man. This old lady came around one day and was like, this is the baby, and she was holding it by its tail,

and it was like... She was like, this is the baby. And she was holding it by its tail and it was like... She was like... You're so cruel. You're such an asshole for doing that. Yeah, well, you know, the thing is, man, is that I'm... I think I'm entering my villain arc because honestly, I've been such a good little boy and getting my little good boy treats.

But I think it's about time I start being a bad little naughty little boy and like killing small animals and like following people home from the gym and stuff. Jake just took a job as a vibes director for Halliburton. Yeah, I'm the vibe curator at fucking Lockheed Martin. So, like, basically... So, like, engineers can be super stuffy. And, you know, people, like, make missiles and stuff.

And, like, they're, like, war criminals and stuff. But I'm, like, a cool... Just kind of a stuffy and you know people like make missiles and stuff and like they're like war criminals and stuff but i'm like a cool just kind of a vibes guy you know hired straight out of mit to be a vibes curator for fucking defense contractors i just kind of like curate things you know yeah for sure what are you looking at man i need to dust my pc okay it's dusty randomly, and I feel like I did this a few months ago, but now I realize it was like the beginning of this year. The year's almost over, so I need to do it. I don't dust or clean anything that I own, so my laptop... For computers, you really should do it because it makes them last a lot longer.

I never dusted my computer, and I had one for 10 years man i don't i don't care it ran like a topic remember that computer that i had when we first started and the fan was so loud you could hear it over the fucking yeah it was very loud yeah i got to make this pc last a long time because i spent like fucking two thousand dollars on it so they do uh so we were talking about it before we started. My job gave me a check for free. I don't think they remember to take me off payroll. So if they keep doing it, what do you think I should do? Should I say anything?

I would say you should put it into a savings account. I did do that, yeah. I moved it over into savings. But I haven't worked there in two weeks and they gave me a free check. Well, I mean, what were you doing before that you quit nothing right so yeah you know i really wasn't doing anything and just say i i've been on paid leave but there's been like email shit going on there was like something with PowerPoint. And whoever emailed you was like,

okay, so do I keep sending you a check? Yeah. Yeah, for now. For now, just keep sending it. Just keep sending the money on over, big dog. It sounds like they weren't doing great financially, so it would be funny if they don't notice.

Yeah, they were falling apart man and i'm i'm hoping that they just continue to pay me that you just keep me on you know just for no reason i think after like three i would probably have to text somebody no you literally do not have to ever well because like i don't know what happens like that nothing happens nobody gives a fuck about anything in this country. That's true. Uh-oh, Thomas has entered his truth corner. You know what, man? Just let him. Shut up.

Let him hear it. Let's hear Tommy's truth zone. Let's hear your. Truth number one. I thought the armadillos were much more dangerous than they are until a few minutes ago. Because if they're letting the yuppies play with them and jack them off and stuff,

it must not be that bad. I fought one with a broom growing up. I had to. That's nice. Not really. I did, but it wasn't a fight. They're super strong, man. Like, they are strong as fuck.

I accidentally pushed it off of a retaining wall. But it wasn't a very tall one, so it just scampered off. But they are sturdy motherfuckers. Yeah, I kept digging up the yard. And my dad wanted to shoot it, but he didn't have the heart to. My dad wanted to, like, cut its head off. You know, he just kind of wanted to like no my dad would just fucking trap animals and like drive them out cast them out like demons no he'd he'd like take his 410 with like if you we lived in the woods

oh yeah it was the thing but i remember one time there was he caught a skunk or whatever, and he took it out to kill it. And then he didn't have the heart to, and he let it go, and then it immediately sprayed him. And he just blew its head off instantly. That's fucking hell, yeah. That's so awesome. Just try to do a good deed, you know, and then just get literally shit on. And you're like, fuck this. Bah! Fuck you.

Yeah. I think I told you my, we were out with my little fucking, like the little air pellet guns you get from Academy for like, you know, 50 bucks or whatever. Yeah. We were trying to shoot birds off power lines and, you know like squirrels and shit and uh and i thought my parents were gone so we're like ah we're gonna we're gonna shoot squirrels and birds i was like maybe 10 or 11 years old and like older shithead kids in the neighborhood were like it's fun to kill little animals and i was like oh really i was like i don't know about that and they're like dude it's so awesome if you shoot a squirrel like it falls down and it dies

and i was like i mean you guys are my only friends so i guess i'll have this really terrible moment with you guys it's clear that you guys are much worse off than i am because it's clear you don't feel like an ounce of sympathy for anything like this and and i do feel a little bit but i want to be cool in your eyes so i guess i'll kill this animal with you. And anyway, we're like missing or whatever, and I hear the front door open, and I'm like, oh shit, you know. And like shortly thereafter, my back door opens,

dad comes out fucking drunk, like, you know, smoking a joint. He's like, what are y'all fucking doing? Like, oh, we're just shooting the BB gun, dad. And he's like, you're trying to fucking kill animals, ain't you? And we're like, yeah. He's like, give me that fucking thing and i was like oh you know game's up i'm in big trouble he takes it and then just like pumps it twice and then just aims it up and then just

shoots a fucking squirrel like off the power like one shot at his ass boom drops and he was like here and then just went back in the house and i was like i was so certain i was gonna get chewed out and bitched at and he's like what the fuck are you doing you fucking sick weirdo and he's just like y'all are out here fucking up you know like you gotta fucking get out you gotta really mean it you know and so i was like i just i learned that dad's like hey my dad's a pretty good shot with a pellet gun uh drunk and then b i guess he really didn't care that we were out there like at least a couple of them may have been burgeoning serial killers and he's like this is how you do it you know like this is how you get out there so it was a nice memory uh yeah you know me and my pop been learning to cherish them you know

early to at work dude corporate shit is so exhausting because oh yeah uh it's just so hard to deal with you know it's just no i mean like i don't really mean literally it's just like because the jobs are fake but it's the uh like emotional like being like hey i'm for i'm a normal like i'm fucking dude i love going to the store. Like, yesterday, like, the other last episode where you were, like, you were doing that bit where you were, like, I really enjoy entertainment. And I find peace and happiness in doing hobby. Like, that's basically what, like, a corporate meet and greet is. Because people are, like, no one wants to say anything about who they really are.

Like, you have to be this, like be this like basically like if you were to do a cliche tinder profile joke like i love hiking and my dog goes and i really just like reading and then just like vibing you know i'm a i'm an introvert like i i'm sort of an inside cat everybody's like that and so like i would answer questions like yeah you know i'm i fucking like i used to like hit myself in the head with like pots and pans as a kid and everybody thought that was pretty funny and people were like it's just like like people like share an embarrassing thing about yourself and i was like oh i had this party trick where i uh i would just grab a pot from the from under the sink and i would smash myself

in the head with it a bunch and And everybody thought that was really funny. People were like, huh? I was like, okay. Yeah, it is embarrassing. I was like, okay. What's a party trick you used to have? I used to wait until people would get drunk and pass out, and I know what you're thinking.

It's about to be bad, but it's not. I would steal all the alcohol in the house and any food in the fridge, and then i would drive drunk cars away yeah yeah uh it was it was funny to hear people like like uh you know i'm just really into like you know star wars and hiking and kayaking and i'm like i don't think any of you are actually i'm not trying to gatekeep these things i just think there are safe answers that people safe interests that people have That they put on like dating profiles

Nobody has like their biggest interest Like Nobody even really knows what that is Yeah I don't Right exactly I have things I'm super passionate about Like music and you know I like doing this it's fun

It's cool to do it I like doing stand up when I i you know it it's cool to do it you know i like doing stand-up when i do do it and like i like writing but i'm not like i don't really give like i love those things but i'm like i don't if you were to ask me like what's your biggest interest and hobby i'd be like i don't know like sitting like that's the thing i really fucking like doing but people are like like people are like oh i'm kind of like a granola type person you know i like i just love being outdoors and like these people are from like la i'm like i know you're full of shit i just know that that is like the the go-to like run-of-the-mill garden

variety response for people who like you know maybe your interest like outside of work is like dressing up in a big latex like rubber glove suit and then getting stepped on by like you know a fucking like a lady from bangladesh or whatever but you can't say that right now you should that would be super fun just some software developer it's like yeah hey man my name's jake i uh i really like play guitar and i play drums in a band it's like my name's keith um i really like uh like putting on like a you know like a like a ski mask like a balaclava and scaring immigrant women like in and around you know community centers and stuff it's probably my favorite thing to do but uh you know some people get mad at that type of stuff but i'm not doing them any harm it's not illegal to spook people you know yeah a lot of people know me as the fish guy because I got several over 100-gallon fish tanks in my home.

What a lot of people don't know about me is that I use these to fulfill my sexual fantasies of being a fish. And I will stand in a big room full of goldfish, fish tanks wrapped around, and I will... Beat my shit like it owes me money and i will bite i will grit my teeth so hard that my gums bleed and i'll jack off into my own mouth and then i'll gargle it and spit it out like a fish and um thank you to thank you tom from uh from graphic design at media team those media team creatives are real wacky dudes. Another fun thing about me you might want to know is $45. Another wacky thing you might not know about Tom the Media Guy is car keys. Yeah, one thing I like to do on weekends is where they're in this,

and you can find me here. Yeah, man. One thing I like to do is I take my medicine, I go to work, and I don't cause any problems. One thing you can count on me, the owners, one thing the CEO or the owner of the company can count on from a guy like me is is it i am prescribed medication uh and i have never ever ever ever had to be held against my will at a sort of institution um because that's not what like cool upwardly mobile young progressives like to do oh okay seriously on the cool i fucked up with this one i don't really like being stupid my my like second in command boss really cool guy funny guy nice guy but you know just like a gen xer that's like oh i'm a puppo day whatever the fuck nice guy though um anyway we were talking about doing like like ancestry lineage stuff. And like me and you've

talked about, and he was like, yeah, you know, I found out that, you know, basically, like I thought, I'm just Mayo, Mayo ass white guy, you know, all British and German and French. And then, you know, my grandfather has this big book. And so we found out that we were like, you know, goat farmers in Ireland and stuff. And I was like, oh, man, I did that, too. He's like, oh, what'd you find out? And I was like, well, I'm from the same area as you, like my bloodline. But for like 200 years, man, while we were here in Mississippi, we just like straight up traded people, man.

Like we sold so many slaves. And he was like, and I was like, yeah, it's crazy. Like you think like being in the south that maybe you did it a little bit. But, man, we were crushing it out here. Like, in Alabama, Mississippi, like, Texas, dude, we were just moving weight. But the weight was, like, human souls, you know, in that. And he was, like, just like, and I was like, yeah. I mean, like, obviously, like, it was my great granddad's granddad, right?

Like, I had nothing to do with it. I'm, like, trying to save it, and I'm getting nervous. And he's like, I think the bar's open. You want to go grab it? And in my head, I'm like, dude, you can do this shit, this stupid shit with your friends, and you do it on your show. But you've got to – I'm so bad at it, dude. Just being like, yeah, I did a lineage and nothing bad ever just lying

nobody in my family ever like you know killed a whole bunch of people for no reason other than to make money you know yeah i don't know and like the sense of the sense of humor of like uh like appealing to the office since the humor is hard yeah it's hard you're out of practice you could you can ease back into it yeah i mean i would be i would be fucked right now if i got i'm i was dude i was i you give me the the mic i'm like all right let's go for a normal joke i'm like hey i uh my name's thomas i'm 35 i like i like listening to pearl Jam and eating black pussy. I work in the... They're always like, come on, man. Yeah.

What? That was the only... You don't like Pearl Jam? I'm not trying to do this stupid demarcation line in the sand between quote-unquote normies and then just like... No, but there is an office sense of humor. There is. And no matter what your normal

sense of humor is it's not that no it's not and you have to adapt to it i was struggling because people were like yeah i'm just really into like parks and rec like i love like re-watching like and it was very like it is exactly what i thought it was gonna be and then i was like oh i'm super into it's always sunny like the first five seasons are like really good and then somebody was like that show's a little uh like a little dark and i was like it's you know it's always sunny like the first five seasons are like really good and somebody was like that shows a little uh like a little dark and i was like it's you know it's good or whatever and then i had a memory of what the first five seasons of it's always sunny are and it's just like jokes about trans people and then like uh d does brown face like 10 times a season yeah it's like

it's like i think charlie says the hard R N word like two or three times. And so I'm like, okay. Yeah, they cut you some slack with dark on that one. Yeah. Well, dude, I love when people like that. They're like, I'm just like morbid. You know, I like dark sense of humor. And I'm thinking about you.

Like, literally, like somebody did say that. And I thought about you just being like, yeah, you know, when you're getting gripped down on it slumber style and you're gonna get lubed and tubed i was like biting the inside of my cheeks laughing because like they were saying like somebody was doing like dead baby jokes from like 2010 and in my head i'm like i'm just hearing you being like yeah my favorite thing to do like is just get some candles lit and then like get my tube all lubed down like a like a sick popsicle and get to get slurped up sideways style by a sick creature beast from hell.

And I'm like, that to me is like, just saying that at the store is so funny. Yeah, there's no – Dark humor. It's like, yeah, I – Knock, knock. Who's there? Dead baby. Oh, and it's like, yeah, I'm in traffic, and I'm like –

I'm just like yeah basically like if i didn't you know if one more thing goes wrong in my life i'm doing a fucking mass shooting i'm doing i'm doing something that you can't take back you know what i'm saying here's some dark humor creepy the clown is fucking you to death creepy the clown has a 13 inch prong Ding dong He's fucking sending you to pound town Population 1 I've got 10 pounds of C4 in my fucking grill outside I'm gonna light it up And I'm gonna have my fucking fat dick out

A fat short dick And I'm gonna beat it to fucking death Till it falls off I'm gonna jack off to you Till I get bruises on my balls You fucking dumbass You know what's funny is is like i do get i want to preface this by saying i know that it's wrong but i do get a sense of like

a stupid smug sense of superiority sometimes where i'm like these people don't even know okay like they don't even they didn't spend 10 hours a day on the internet like me, and I'm a refined, normal gentleman. You're saying that, and it turns out that Linda from marketing is like an 8chan person. That's the thing. You never really know. Just entirely into French synth wave and Simpsons porn. Yeah, like Nazi cartoons where Hitler has a big cartoon ass.

Yeah, you never know. I'm just bad about wearing it on my sleeve not being into cartoon hitler with big butt cheeks but just like being like yeah you know i don't i don't know the person that kind of recommended me for the job live shout out live she went to our live show um she was telling me like we were just like hanging out and she was like, I don't know how to be, you know, like it's like, it's, it's hard to like, be like, yeah,

you know what? Like, I can't wait to go ice skating and I can't wait to just, you know, have like a, like a nice little pumpkin spice, like little candle. And I can't wait to put boots on.

It's like, I can't wait for a big anvil to drop from the sky and land right on my nutsack. It hit it like an accordion in Looney Tunes, and it causes both my nuts to shoot at the top of my pecker like a fucking rocket ship. Yeah, one of my main goals for this next quarter is I want the abominable snowman to come over to my house and say, we're going to have cocoa. accountable snowman to come over to my house and me we're gonna have cocoa something you don't know about me is that i put lithium in my cinnamon toast crunch

and it basically keeps it to where you know i uh i don't like drive my car through you know downtown austin at you know highway speeds uh It's just something that, you know, keeps me kind of level. Oh, and watching 10 hours a day of porn, hardcore pornography. That's also, you know, kind of just what kind of guy I am. I'm sort of a gooner. You guys ever just in the middle of like a round table? I'm really into goon caves. I'm kind of a goon cave guy. I was like, what's that? It's like, oh, so like, you know, you guys know pornography, right? Everybody's like, Like, what's that? It's like, oh, so like, you know, you guys know pornography, right?

Everybody's like, yeah. And it's like, so like some guys watch porn and it doesn't do anything to them other than, you know, like they watch it, you know, maybe a few times a week, maybe four or five max if they're really feeling wild. I watch it like night, like when I'm done here back to the hotel, I'm watching like hours and hours of hardcore pornography. The thing about goon giving is you're not always just masturbating. You kind of just consume it like media, but when you do get down to jacking it, you know, then you really get after it. We're talking 10,

15 times a day. And that's on the low end. And I'm like, Oh, okay. It's like taking notes and shit. Like, Oh,

all right, dude, those setups get me going, man. Not in a good way. I do the idea of jacking off an excessive amount of times per day for an extended period makes me worried. Well, like... Just breaking your dick like that is just like, ah.

In my peak days, like in high school, I was putting up some numbers that I thought... No, I'm saying... I thought we're high. I'm saying you haven't been through the period every man goes through yeah where you're beating his shit too much yeah well here's the thing is is that for me i'm like i don't really i don't get after it like i used to man i'm a fucking old horse you know what i'm saying but i i have this idea in my head that, like, I would feel hypothetically, if I'm putting myself in this position, I feel like I would feel evil. Like, my soul. Like, I feel like, because when I've gone on r slash goon caves and I've, like, just, you know, just done a little browsing, just intellectually curious browsing. And people are like, yeah, you know, I'm on my 15th today.

And I'm ready to try to get past 20. And I'm like, dude, I don't believe in God or, like, yeah, you know, I'm on my 15th today and I'm ready. I'm ready to try to get past 20. And I'm like, dude, you I don't believe in God or like a soul, but I feel like yours is corrode. Like that's like that is so. Dude, that's fucking bad. Imagine how you feel going to sleep that night. What is this, dude? So something is happening with this black thumb that keeps popping up on our Zoom call. A black thumbs up keeps happening, and I don't know why.

It just says recognize hand gestures. What's happening here? Has somebody hacked the call? I don't think so. What's showing up for you a smile a crying smiley face black hand are you doing it right now says oh the black i don't know it's gone now yeah it's going there i can't do it anymore. I'm not able to do it, I don't think. Can you see this?

Yeah. Nice. Okay. Hell yeah. I don't want to get too focused on it. It's a visual gag. I don't want to get too focused on it. I got a visual gag for you right here.

It's my soft dick. It's my little tuna. Thomas sent me a picture of his penis, and it was super small. It was in the picture. It was just the base of it. It's my soft dick. It's my little tuna. Thomas sent me a picture of his penis and it was super small. It was in the picture. It was just the base of it. It was fucking... It was very funny because you were like, nah, my shit shrinks up. And I was like, mm-hmm. You really... I was like,

yeah, I've heard that before. It's funny to show your friends the base of your penis. It's just a classic gag. Yeah, it's funny to do it. Because it's a weird part of your dick to show people. It is. I think it's funny to show people. The tip reveals too much in my opinion.

Yeah, it's like the nipple. It's like the nipple of the dick or whatever. Yeah. Dude, we talk about such big brain stuff on here like monkey's jacket off, goon cave guys, the dick is the nipple of the tip or whatever the fuck it is. What type of light bulb is this to you? Is that fluorescent or is that... You think that's an LED?

No, I think it's an old school Thomas Edison-ass bulb. Fuck that. They only got one type of light bulb on here. I'm going to kill myself. Yeah, it's pretty fucked. It's pretty fucked up. You know it's a good episode when I'm having fun with these fucking... Dude, that's all it's about.

That's all there... But the initial black thumbs up on there, I didn't put there, I don't think. Not on purpose, at least. Yeah, me neither. That's funny. I'm trying to do 9-11 right quick. Aren't we all? Fuck.

Damn it. Whatever. You know... You know, Jake, when I was your age... When you were 28? You know, Jake, when I was your age, I got caught up in the world of fast cars. Fast women. And expensive whiskey and things of that nature, you know. Yeah, cheeseburger.

whiskey and things of that nature, you know. Yeah, cheeseburger. At the end of the day, what it's really all about is treating people with respect. Yeah, because a lot of... Your hustle needs to be strong, all right? Yeah, for real. It really does. And especially in this cold, changing world

with all the fake people. So I think what people need to understand... Quit looking at your phone, dude. I'm looking at a level, actually. Especially in this cold, changing world with all the fake people. So I think what people need to understand. Quit looking at your phone, dude. I'm looking at a level, actually. He really was. I think people don't understand that, like, if you want to. So your network is your net worth.

So if you're hanging out with a lot of broke-ass bitches, you know, you need to, like to like step me and thomas only hang out with guys who make what do you think like 42k a year max i think that's pretty much you know yeah that's a lot of money it's a lot you know uh dude i found out i was just curious the median salary for an like a man like in our age range i think the average is 42 and the median was like 38.5 and i thought back to like just like two or three years ago when i did my taxes and i made like 13 000 that i was just like and i was just like god damn if i could get a job making 45k that would change my life and like that now if you make 45k it's like it's like you made 25k a couple years ago yeah it's it doesn't you know um but i was like damn the median sound like median like you know 38

and i was like that's that's that sucks dude because it's just i think i think you can't get no pussy with 38 000 well you know what's funny man is is that i think there's just, I think, I think. Because you can't get no pussy with $38,000. Well, you know what's funny, man, is that I think there's some truth to, like, when you're down to your last dollar, and I mean, I'm talking, I'm not talking, like, 50 bucks. I'm talking, like, you got nothing. A man with nothing to lose, I feel like, has a different but successful game-spitting style if you use it to your, you're just kind of, like, at the end of your rope you know i'm not saying it was successful for me at all but i am saying i

have known people like in my friend group that like dudes that were just as broken just as fucked up as like us but like had you know different you know girlfriend like then like hot and like you know you know normal women with jobs and they're like yeah you know i'm staying at her place because a pipe burst in my wall and i don't want to fix it and there's water everywhere so we can't she can also she feeds me food i don't really bring anything to the table really and i'm just but i'm like man that's i don't know how you're doing that but i i applaud it it's like a certain type of dude it's like a john you to lay the fucking best pipe of your life in those stairs. Yeah.

I've said it before. I'll say it again. There is no pipe laying like that of a man who has bed bugs. Bed bugs and like you're rationing $15 a week. Whenever I had bed bugs, I was doing Zanes I didn't realize and do. My legs got so fucking torn up before I realized. That's awesome, dude. That's so sick.

It was. If my fitted sheet peeled back at all, I had massive. I had so many fucking rashes everywhere. And I was like. That's awesome. Man, I got to start doing skin care or something. I got all these sores. Dude, an ex-girlfriend of mine the first time i went over to her place uh dude she had a deflated or partially inflated air mattress

the classic stuff on the floor sir anyway she was like we have roaches pretty bad and i was like oh yeah you know um apartment complexes in wood in the like in the wooded areas where she was i was like it's pretty common to get tree roaches and she was like oh no it's the it's the pest kind the german roaches we just got them everywhere and i was like oh okay she's like uh they crawl on me sometimes when i sleep so i'm just like letting you know like if that's a deal breaker and at the time of my life i was like there's no deal breaking for me uh kind of at the end of my rope here so uh you know i'm gonna come over that's basically what's gonna happen and uh

you know like we like did whippets and you know this was a very special and super i was doing super mentally and emotionally well at this time of my life and uh sorry one second and uh anyway i go lay down you know naked in this deflated air mattress. I'm kind of feeling like I'm like a pool toy. And sure enough, around midnight, a German, a little cockroach crawled like right across like the inside of my thigh and onto my nutsack. And then like skittered away. And I just, I stood up i was like hey uh you know she's like yeah i told you that would happen and i was like i had this thought in my head i was like i can

leave right now i can leave and uh make this person feel really embarrassed or i can stay you know and try to just you know be a good be a good sport about the fact that a disease-carrying insect just made his way across my scrote zone. So, you know, knowing me, the dog I am, I just laid right back down. I was like, hey, you know what, Bubba, that's all right. And then we dated for like a year after that. This is a terrible story. Yeah, no, nothing good came out of that it was pretty it was pretty gnarly um but uh yeah i know it was a terrible story but it was like

you know what i was like i was like dude here's how i rationalize it and this is stupid i was like well i had rats you know like big ones so i can't what kind of bougie bitch am I if I can't handle a cockroach infestation? I had a real bad rat problem at the house that I lived in just two years previously at this point. This was like in 2017. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 2017. I was like, man, I had rats and I had roaches too, like maggots and shit, you know. I was living literally in like a dump, basically.

So what's a little fucking, what's a little bit of hep C, you know? Just a little living literally in like a dump basically so what's a little fucking what's a little bit of hep c you know just a little bit of fucking a through c just you know and parasites in your blood it's a little bit of that shit you know it's just i can't imagine doing whippets in a place where you have roaches i guess i can but like it was a certain amount of fucked up in a place where there are roaches actively. Yeah, I mean, at that era, I was getting prescribed so much Klonopin that, like, I think you could have dropped me in, like, Donetsk Airport or, like, Donbass or just, like, any war-torn area. And I'd have been like, hey, it's not so bad. You know, like, there's just something about always being high on benzos for an extended period of time.

Like you just have a steady supply, right. That like, and you're drinking too and doing whatever other drugs you're doing that like, yeah, you could just drop me in like in the middle of the no Russian mission and you call a duty and you're like,

it's places airports. Nice. You know, it's not, it's not too bad. Everybody's a little bit loud, but those guys that got out of that elevator seem really fucking pissed off. But you know it's not it's not too bad everybody's a little bit loud but that's okay yeah it's a little those guys that got out of that elevator seem really fucking pissed off but you know

uh yeah i don't know there aren't coke coke makes me want to like clean the house a little bit but like opiates benzos alcohol yeah you drop me in the middle of a saw trap and i'm like honestly man pretty it's pretty clean in here and it's better than it's better than i could do you know benzos will make you like get in your car and you have some place to be and uh and then you'll sit in the parking lot you're in your own driveway and be late to whatever it is you got to be to and then when you get to where you're going and you're late like work you're like i'm sorry and you just don't have an excuse because you're just hot you're like i'm just late like i would just you know like hey you're supposed to be here at eight and i'm like

yeah and they're like what happened i'm like i don't give a fuck you know what are you asking me for like i was like i was working i was bouncing at a bar at the time and my boss was like you know eight eight means eight man don't mean 845 like what's going on like i know you're in school and shit but you know i'd be like i don't know yeah i was like what i'm like i just you know just kind of sat in my driveway for like 30 minutes before i got here this guy's like just get to work dude like when you say something so frustrating to somebody, and they can't, like, they're like, what happened? You know what, man?

Get fucked, but go to your job. Like, what are you talking about? You sat in your job. Shut the fuck up. Go fucking take the ice to the fucking bar or whatever the fuck. Xanax will make you listen to Trap House 3 in your driveway. Like, one in the morning. Dude, that is such a good fucked up on Bento song.

Oh, dude, yeah. I told my partner. Bring the pressure. Yeah. Oh, dude. Just sitting in the car like with stank face. I'll ride around with my lieutenant. Woo.

I let him count it. Then I spit it. You're just like Gritting your Dude just like Just the Yeah You're like

Basic Me and Rick Ross Basically the same guy Cause I'm fat too And I'm out of breath And like And I'm fucked up Right now dude

Like I'm so I'm like Gucci Mink Cause I'm like Sweating really bad Yeah Yeah I like ice cream too Like Me and Gucci Basically the same dude because we've like watched the simpsons growing up

yeah he likes bart too and i'll fuck it i am bart simpson dude uh dude i told you that that fucking bart smoky was like a phrase in the house that meant like it was slang in the house that meant you were you were like you were off one like you were hopeless like i don't know if i told you but the fucking we went to do this beach house party at my buddy's place and uh invited a bunch of people and like friends from high school and jay my roommate at the time took a bunch of xanax and like drank like a fucking whole hand like half a handle of evan will Williams. And like you walk up and you'd be like, man, like it's so nice to be out of Galveston with the boys. We haven't done this in a while.

And he'd be like, part smoky. I'm like, OK. And it was a funny bit for like the first 20 times he did it. And then we all started to get a little concerned because we would be like, I'd be like, hey, is Marcus supposed to come with the eight balls? Like we text him like an hour ago it's about like oh yeah he's in chemo but he'll be here in like an hour and i like jay will be like i'm bart smoky we will be like hey dude are you all right and he's like bart it's it's just he's smoky like my buddy geo came over and he like drove in from Houston and he was like,

I'm getting ready to get fucked up. Like, hey, what's up, Frank? Hey, Jake, what's up, Ed? Like, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hey, Cam. Hey, Jay, how's it going? Jay would be like, Bart Smokey! What the fuck? That's all he could say. Dude, he did it all night.

He didn't stop. Even when we put him to bed, dude, we had bunk beds, and then we, like, get out of the bottom bunk. He was, like, laying there, and he's, like, smoking. He's got, like, vomit on his chin. He's, like, my stupid-ass smile. He's, like, all right, Jay, I'm going to get you some water, all right? Do you want, you want a little, you want to hit the joint before you go to bed?

It'll make you feel better. And he's, like, he's smoking. Bart's smoking, man. I'm just saying. Like, what the fuck, dude? Like, it was like, and Gio's like, hey, is he okay, dude? Like, did he get concussed or something? And I'm like, no, man, he's, I don't know if he's dedicated to the bit.

I don't know how chopped he is, but right now, like, and after that, dude, like, that cemented it. Like, at the house, like, yeah, if you, like that's cemented it like at the house. Like, yeah, if you were fucking crossfaded as fuck or like you had done too many, like you'd done too much fucking bike and you were kind of freaking out because your heart rate was dropping and you'd be like, Oh,

I'm hard smoking, man. They'd be like, yeah, you do too much. You know, like he smoked. It was like,

I'd be saying I coked up my heart rate's up i'm fucking counting my pulse fucking passenger seat in my own car and looking over my fucking roommate i'm like dude he's um he's smoky right now it's bad yeah fucking dude we would watch that video on the big screen like surround sound it's like a nine second we were obsessed with it hopelessly like surround sound. It's like a nine second. We were obsessed with it, hopelessly. I would be like, you know what? We need to watch, man.

And they would be like, oh, it's like a TV show. I'm like, we got to watch the Bart Smokey video again. People are like, absolutely. Turn that shit on right now. Pull up YouTube, put it on the surround sound. Hey, here, you want to hit it, Bart? That's my favorite part, dude. It's like, you want to hit it, Bart? And he puts the fucking, dude. He's like, you want to hit it, Bart?

And he puts the fucking blunt. He's like, he's Smokey Bart. That boy's Smokey. Every fucking time, dude. I love that video. In that video, you can see that one of his producers, I don't know, or one of his buddies, I don't know who it was. But they're just like bridge of the nose, grabbing, just looking up at Gucci. And they're like, i don't know who it was but they're just like like bridge of the nose grabbing like just looking up at gucci and they're like they don't want nothing they're like

they did the studio for three days straight yeah they've recorded 55 songs all of them are terrible but somehow gonna be like billboard hot 100 like you don't know why like gucci was he really was the best at recording something that by by no metric should have been good and it was just the best shit like i don't like i like trap house three is one of my favorite songs of all time like he really like kind of set the tone for like i'm gonna put zero effort into this we're gonna record a hundred songs in a week and they're all gonna slap like they're just they're no effort i'm just gonna get in the booth so chopped i can't even fucking breathe and then uh you know we're gonna lay out some fucking bangers it's so funny to me

that in the spring breakers movie he kept falling asleep on set like on camera harmony crim would be like gushy and he'd be like, uh, Gucci, what's up? You good? And he's like, sir. Cause he just like, there was a scene when he was having sex with a prostitute. And apparently like,

you know, it was obviously simulated sex, but she would like mount him to write him or whatever. And he would just be like full blown snoring. Harmony's like cut. And the actress is like, Hey, we gotta get this scene done.

This is, you know, simulated sex scene done this is you know simulated sex scenes can be you know like it's a lot to deal with Gucci's like apparently Harmony

would like go up to him and be like Gucci man he's like yeah he would like wake up like I never even fell asleep but they're like they have like all this behind the scenes footage

of him like he's just so fucked up on lean I remember that he was like thinking like man he played that part so well He's just so fucked up on lean. I remember that. I was thinking, man, he played that part so well. And then I was like, oh, yeah, Gucci, I think, has killed people. It's like if you got Boosie to play that role.

It's like, man, where did he draw that from? And it's like, I mean, basically a serial killer. It's just kind of like. He's like, I'll kill you and your bitch. James Franco. Oh, yeah. James Franco. He's like, cut.

You can't say James Franco. I'll kill James Franco and his bitch. And the other bitch, too. The line is, no, I'm not going to front you a key. He's like, all right, run and roll, bitch. I'll kill you and your whole bitch. Harmony, I'll fucking cut your dick off. Okay, old ass white bitch Selena Gomez. I'll kill you too, bitch.

You hot as hell. I'll step on you like a bug. I'll put my dick in all these girls. Cut. Hey, you just got shot, Gucci, remember? You're dead on the ground. You ain't never gonna kill me. I'll fucking kill all you.

I'll fucking, I'll fuck the girl. Give me a blanket. Blanket. How many I cold, brother? How many I rough? Come on, Karina. I'm fucking... I'm cold as hell.

My blood pressure is too low because of the... I'm off that fucking sauce, brother. I'm fucking... How many... You got any Big Macs? You got any fucking... I just really need like a chicken tender, bro.

I'm fucking... Anyway, hey, check this shit out. If you're listening to this, go on over. This is a free episode, as you can tell, because it goes up on the free side of the world. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah. That went well. Checkpoint means... Yeah, Sherlock, I think people are listening for free. I think people are listening for free. I think people are not paying because it's free.

Man, I don't like that. Of all the things, I really don't like this. I really don't like this. I don't like that. Let's not say that we did. Yeah. Let's not and say that we did. Okay. Yeah.

How about... It sucks so bad. No, that just happened. How about no? And let me guess. He's right behind me. Yeah. I'm going to go out on a limb and say no.

So that wasn't on my calendar for 2023. Yeah. 2022. None of those words are in the Bible. Jot me down for bemused. jot me down for bemused uh uh color me

pink uh because I'm a racist man he's standing right behind me is he just Hitler uh he's um well let me guess he's fucking me uh

waiter there's a fly in my butt Yes, he's fucking me. Waiter, there's a fly in my butt. What the fuck is it though? Yeah, I'm thinking there's a fly in my pussy. And he's buzzing around. He's buzzing around. Yeah, he's doing fly stuff to it. I'm a piece of shit.

I'm a fucking real fucking dick. You want to wrap this up? Yeah, dude. So go on to patreon.com slash padehotime and five bucks a month gets you an extra episode every week. Those are the primos.

You got a backlog of episodes you can get access to. Ten bucks a month gets you access to a video episode. We just did that one. I got to still send the audio over and get that going on. And 50 bucks a month

gets you everything. Discord access, video episode premium episodes and then you get to be like in a group of like three guys that really really like us for some reason yeah it's awesome and uh and you can hang out with them uh we got uh if you're an la west coast cocksucker uh we're coming to los angeles uh Angeles December 10th at the Virgil on Santa Monica Boulevard, baby. And we're going to fucking bust them big loud style for you, me and Thomas. We have no plans.

I don't want to say anything. I might just DM Felix and ask him to show up. He always loves a good show. I might not do that. It might just be me and Thomas bombing for an hour, hour and a half. However the fuck long we decide to do the show. Get tickets to that. They're pinned on my profile.

Check it out on Twitter. At Jake Broads. Joe Jogan. You know the fucking drill. Also, if you are a Patreon member, they're on the Patreon. So check that shit out. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. You know me, bitch, I'm always flexin' Came from the South, I'm a grade-A Texan Bitch, you know I'm textin' my damn P.O. Cause I don't wanna see her and I don't wanna go-go To report, bitch, I got work Pull up in some shorts and I might start to twerk Got my jeans shorts and they're sagging off my ass

Ash cheeks coming out bitch I get it fast Bitch I do the dash I don't know what that means but When I go to Brahms I like to eat some damn ice cream Give me two scoops eating Froot Loops When I go to school I go, go poop Cause I don't wanna go to class Little bitch, you know I'm lazy I pull up on these hoes

Mouth open like I'm Jay-Z I don't know if he can breathe through his nose Bitch, you know me well I got no hoes I got me a girlfriend She likes to make me salad Pull up on these hoes and I might sing a ballad Bitch, I bring a pallet, bitch, I bring a knife

I kill 15 women on any given night Bitch, I should be a knight, I should be knighted I pull up and I pull up with some gasoline, I light it Then the whole school blow up, that's a crime You know me, bitch, send me me a bill won't pay a dime Yeah, I don't have a dollar to my name make you fucking holler when I pull my collar up with the flame Bitch, I'm like Travis Scott and I don't have shit. So it's hard for me to brag a lot bitch I'm in the wagon fucking swaggin and they know I'm out you know

me I got a great big lizard mouth I got a tongue it's split down the middle and I'm up early making eggs on my griddle no cast iron cuz they're too expensive you know me I'm in the club looking real pensive I'm looking real sad I'm looking real depressed I wish I'm looking real sad, I'm looking real depressed, I wish I could go to work in a fucking dress, I wish I could wear high heels and makeup, you know I'm trying to get my goddamn cake up, I'm trying to get my bread up, but I don't go to no bakery, and I don't fuck with these hoes, cause they all about that fakery, I'm just kidding.