Pendejo Time - Couples Therapy

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

Thomas and I look back on our trips to the funny farmSupport the Show.

We're here, baby. We are rocking with it. Welcome back to... Big time rush. Yep. Today is... We finally got some ad reads. We've got

Big Tom's Lawn Mulch. We've got Big Tom's Lawn Mulch. We've got Soup. We've got Pebbles Blinkies. We do. We have Thomas' Adult Diaper Company. Yep, different Thomas. No, it's the same one. Nope, it's actually, there's a million guys with my name.

Nope. You told me. You said, hey, we've got a home company. Why would I do that? Why would I? It's a conflict of interest for me to have a different company. You know that. No, it's smart investing, and you said it.

Really? So you're making fun of me for being a good businessman now? So you're admitting that it is your problem? No, I'm just saying, you think that's the only kind of business in the world that's all you think about all day because that's what you wear to daycare well i do run uh you know i do run a chain of daycare really as a smart businessman yeah please don't make it like an eyeball yeah i bet i bet. No, that's not. Okay. Did you ever go to daycare?

No, I mostly just sat in my living room and drank Dr. Pepper out of a sippy cup. Yeah, me neither, because my parents loved me growing up. A lot of kids, it's kind of tough. Most parents can find a way to not you know work all day and yeah abandon their kids but you know if that were me i'd just work at night you know once the kids go to bed you go to work when they wake up you teach them the ways of life yeah are you going to teach your kid like how to do like taekwondo stuff like i'm gonna teach my kid what it's like to be a regular guy um i believe in the i don't know if you ever heard this song by leonard skinner it's called simple man yeah, man. Well, Jake here is a big fan of everything that Leonard Skinner ever represented.

I did, I am, yeah. It's so funny because they were not talented enough to die in a plane crash. No. Now they're in the same boat as, like, you know, Jim Crossey or whatever. Okay, let's take it easy. But, you know, they're like a... No, no, I'm saying they're thrown in there. He was a mastermind, a genius.

Yeah, okay, there we go. No, I'm saying that he has to be in the same, like, Wikipedia page. Oh, as a band. Yeah, as Lynyrd Skynyrd. You got Buddy Holly, who I don't remember that much of his music. Stevie Lee Vaughan. Yeah. Yeah.

Almost Harrison Ford. Kobe Bryant. That doesn't count. He did release an album. He did? I'm actually not doing a joke. He did, and it was so bad that he basically was told by NBA to never make music again. That's awesome.

Tony Parker is like a... I don't know how big in the actual French scene he is, but he's French. I don't even know who that is. He was a point guard for the Spurs. I don't dig about basketball. That's just a fun fact I know. Well, he was like... I don I don't dig about basketball. That's just a fun fact I know.

I don't know that much about basketball. I just played 2K a lot in middle school. Oh, yeah, I got you. No, he's pretty short for the NBA. Probably like 6... Well, maybe like 5'11 or something. I don't know. But he looks like Hispanic or something.

But he's French. And he's released French rap albums. And or something but he's uh he's french and he's released like french rap albums and they're like okay i think i don't know how to judge french rap because i'm not french because i'm mexican uh mexican uh i don't know i think there was a time in my like in in high school when i thought that like liking stuff from france made me like better than the people i hated in my personal life remember like i had a moment where i was like yeah i'll be really into like i don't know shit that sucks because i think it's cool uh and uh so i would like listen to french hip-hop and i'd be like yeah i like this i listen to this like in the car like i listen to it when I, like, go to work. It's not something that, like, I don't

do as I'm trying to be, like, a guy that, in my mind, is like a 15-year-old who saw a movie about New York, thinks what cool people, like, are, I guess. Um, and it's really shameful

to admit that I had those thoughts, but I do find solace in the admit that I had those thoughts. But I do find solace in the fact that I got it out of the way when I was still a child. And there are guys in their late 20s, early 30s who are like that now. That's their whole personality. They're like, yeah, I only like stuff that's really shitty. And movies that are in black and white that suck. And there's not even a fight scene in it. And I like music I don't understand.

And I like books I don't know how to read. And I wear suit jackets to 7-Eleven. Just guys like that. My music taste is so far to the opposite. It's like I was going out of my way to find... Not everything I like but there's a large percentage of the music I mostly listen

to like time wise you know that's so just abrasive to the social atmosphere I listen to the Andy Griffith theme song for like 30 minutes today cause I like the whistling in it

and it seems like something you'd do as a joke but i just in the car you know i i don't know something you would do for like if you had a nephew that had like a like an iq of yeah i just almost play it for him to keep him from like chewing on his seatbelt straps yeah it's kind of funny like this, this is my first semester, like, back in college, taking kind of harder courses somewhat. I'm taking, like, trig this semester. And no other hard courses now that I think about it. But it's like, you know, school-wise, like, I've always been pretty good with it

when I actually, you know, look at the homework or whatever. And everything else in my life, I have the intelligence of a dog that just got hit by a car. I'm saying that like I'm some kind of savant or whatever. Like you have a hidden talent. I'm good for community college. I'll lower myself down a bit.

It's not, this isn't a goodwill hunting situation. This is a regular guy remembers how to do long division situation. Yeah. This is an okay. Will gathering. Nice. I think that's the name of the episode, because normally I just name them after things. Yeah. See, that's one of those puns.

It's not, like, funny. It's just kind of. It's almost clever. It's just a bunt. If I had spent, like, more than one second coming up with it, it would have been so bad. If I was preparing for it. If you got red in the face and flexed up a little bit. Yeah, but instead I'm pale in the face because I've been going to the bathroom about every three minutes for the last hour.

That's why we're recording this so late. I'm saying that the audience is going to know what time it is. Also, I've dropped episodes at one in the morning, dude, after I'm done trying to do what I can to the audience. Well, you've got to think about how the fact that about 40% of our audience is actively trying to quit doing heroin. That's what I was getting at. That's when they're thinking about listening to the podcast.

Guys, we love you. If you pay more for the Patreon, you have less heroin money, which means it's an easy way for you to quit. Yeah. I hope that you consider that. I know you're trying to get off that dog. That horse. Trying to get off that fucking cat.

Trying to get off that one. Off that merry-go-round. See, that's one of the... I've never had, like, a serious... Like, I will... Like a life-threatening addiction or whatever you know but i've had stuff like i had to actively you know work on quitting you know i i don't have like a an insane sob story or anything but that's one of those things i know if i was like hooked on

i wouldn't make it i wouldn't like no ever stop doing that some people you know like think they're like dude you just got to put your mind to it i'm like dude i wouldn't no i guarantee you that's like i mean i guess i did i was it's funny you mentioned i was talking to my girlfriend about it earlier but like i never did the na like the any of the a's like for pills yeah cocaine or whatever, because I will go there. What's the N.A. stand for? Narcotics. That's what I thought.

Don't, okay. What? Don't do a little smile, anyway. I'm not smiling. Yeah, okay, he's not, he's not, he's got a straight face and I'm the asshole. So anyway, we will go to the, we will go to the the i will go to these meetings and i never like to go to them because i would be like you know you're in group or whatever and you know you're like yeah i'd be like yeah you know it was just kind of kind of sucked just growing up you know dad wasn't

around a bunch and it was kind of shitty and then some like 83 year old like korean war veteran who would just jam a big 1960s fucking hypodermic needle into his neck filled with black tar would speak up and be like yeah i ran my own kid over and i killed my wife so they're really competitive about like the pain they've been through and so you end up feeling like, why the fuck am I even here? It's just a big cock contest for a lot of those guys. That's how it was whenever I went to this mental hospital for comedy. I'll talk about jokes about it later. Yeah, you just went for the clown. There was this one kid in there who, he was always, like, changing his name, but not, like, legally. Just in his own mind?

This wasn't, like, a non-binary individual or anything. individual or anything um because like in that case i i you know i would try to adapt and stuff but he just kept thinking of names that he thought were cool and would get really mad if we like didn't start calling him like you know spider king or whatever and it's like dude your name is still still like well i was about to say his real name that would not a good idea to say like trinity or whatever you know like it wasn't but um i remember his uh he convinced the um the staff in there that his coping mechanism was panic at the disco and so he they they got him what do you mean like listening to it listening to it in the we had like our rooms that were basically cells and then we had like a common area yeah where there's like a tv and if you

are good for like four days you get to use it well he would use it to play panic at the disco and 21 pilots he only had three cds and two of them were panic at the disco and the other one was 21 pilots oh my god and anyway anyway what i'm getting at uh-huh if we were talking about uh mental illness which in there it was a bunch of chill guys like actually there were a couple like like actually demented people but for the most part it was guys who were like yeah dude i told my therapist i was gonna kill myself i didn't realize there were like consequences for that but um no um if we ever joked about like uh something he would try and one up at like one time somebody was like

dude i think i'm starting to hear stuff and he was like yes some of us here actually hear voices like all the time and like hallucinate and we'd be in like a meeting or something and he'd be like hey guys i just started hallucinating like looking completely normal like trying to be lying for no reason like the hipster of the mental hospital yeah I remember we had like a little recess area there's a bunch of depressed 17 year olds and he tried to like

he tried to like cut himself with a piece of mulch from the like playground thing but he just like got himself a scrape yeah like it he had to he lost all his privileges for a while over it and no one was even impressed that we were like i really do aren't is that the best way you can think of right now uh that doesn't even it's i know that it's real because it's one of those things

it's like it's not a if you would have been like yeah he pulled a shard off the playground like if somebody's telling you a similar story like that yeah I pulled a shard off the playground and jabbed it into his neck and bled out you're like that might have happened but it probably didn't but something way more realistic that you encounter in a mental hospital is a guy

that like takes a piece of just dull like mulch that probably like takes a piece of just dull like mulch that probably like has cow shit on it and like bird shit and like like just trash and it's like i'm done with it i can't handle it no more and then just rubs it against his hand until he gets like a burn and then yeah there was this one one guy who um like, got his, he took his, they give you scrubs if you want. Nobody wears them. I don't know why you would. And he would wear them, like, for fun, I think.

And he tried to hang himself by tying it really badly around his neck. And then sitting in a chair and just pulling up while seated. Jet-lag style. Yeah. And not even, like like making tension on his neck just making his face red yeah and so you had to be in like solitary or whatever because of it and we were all like dude were you even trying because i was like dude they give you a chair and there's a radiator why don't you just kick back off that and break your neck when you hit the ground yeah i thought of that five break your neck when you hit the ground? I thought of that five seconds into getting here.

You walk into the door. I was an outpatient, and it was funny because I think I've told you about this before, but I walked in and I was like, I walked in at nighttime. My roommates drove me. I was like, hey, I'm on a bunch of medication and a bunch of hard drugs, and I'm going to go kill myself, so I want to stay here. And they were like all right we're gonna consult with a doctor we'll get back to you and i was like that's not how the movies are usually they just 51 50 your ass but all right i'll trust your judgment and then like an hour goes by i'm sitting in the room and the nurse comes back and

she's like yeah we recommend our outpatient program you can just go home and i'm like i'm gonna go home and like ram my head a bunch until i die from yeah like swelling of the brain and i'm gonna kill myself and she was like yeah yeah i get it just go home and come back tomorrow at nine you're gonna be in our outpatient program it's from nine to five it's like a job and i was like there i was like i need to stay here i'm going nuts like i'm hearing shit in the radio like personal messages to me like hey buddy you know it's time to go nuts and you know anyway um the the one there were a bunch of like during group like there were a bunch of strange obviously like when you're in a mental hospital you know you get a lot of like i guess surreal funny stories or whatever but the one that sticks with me is is that we were in group

and it was like a quiet group no one really wanted to share it was super early in the morning and it was the outpatient and inpatient people so sometimes the lady that ran group like the main like the second to main big dog or whatever she wasn't the main doctor she was just like the main therapist she would share something in her personal life and would like try to kick shit off whatever so she was like well me and my partner are trying to have a baby but and she like jokingly was like, you know, when there's two women involved, they can get kind of crazy, all right? Ha, ha, ha.

One of the girls I was in there with, she was like, if you need some like sperm or cum or something, I can just give you some of my brothers. And the lady was like, ha. You know, like she was like, like, OK, time to do your shapes now. Like it was just clearly she did not. This was a rhetorical comment to get the conversation moving. It was not like a consult question for so bad.

Yeah. And so she was. But again, like it didn't stop there. She was like, no, super simple. So my brother, he's like 6'3". He's D1 at UT. And I could just get him to bust a nut in some Tupperware, and I could bring it to you. And then you guys can just do whatever the fuck you want with it.

And I'm sitting in there like, yeah, I just was on too much lithium, and then I was mixing it with coke. You are out of your fucking mind. I'm just chilling, like, I fucked up and mixed prescribed with not prescribed, and I kind of, like, my brain's fucked up a little, like, not even, not really that much, clearly, because I would never in a million years think to be like, yeah, you're a lesbian, and you're trying to get that thang, like, you're trying to have a little baby. Let me consult with my brother to bust off in some dishware and i can bring it to you uh group and hand it to you and then you you can it makes me mad because i could sit there for six months and not think of something that funny no yeah and that's just

someone's first thought that's awesome she uh she was also like would just, we would be like trying to do, they really did make us do like arts and crafts. And she got mad at me for laughing because during like, we would make collages out of magazines, whatever we were thinking of that day or whatever. And like, and they would put music on. And she was like, put it on the rap station at whatever in austin or whatever and big puns i'm not a player i just crush a lot came on and when you're at a mental hospital and that song is playing loudly that to me at least is the funniest thing in the whole fucking i mean they're just you know it's just i'm not a player i'm still you know it's just it's just playing it like a loud house party volume yeah just to drown out everything else and i start crying laughing dude

like i'm just i'm like it was the ha probably like i'm glad it happened because it was the happiest i had been in a long time in that moment and i'm like weeping and she's like what's so fucking funny i like this song and i was like look you just need to understand that like i'm in a mental hospital and i'm making a collage like I'm seven years old and I got drug problems and big puns, I'm not a player, I just crush a lot is playing now

and it's not like Tchaikovsky or Mozart or Chopin or it's not music that's calming it's not like forest sounds that you would associate with a mental hospital arts and crafts hour from TV shows and movies it's big pun forest sounds that you would associate with a mental hospital arts and crafts hour from tv shows and movies it's big puns i'm not a player i just fuck a lot radio edit and that to me is like super and i'm trying to explain myself that was the wrong move

because she was like no you're making fun of me because i like this song and i'm like i mean i'm not i am now i wasn't earlier but like i guess we're in it now so and then yeah it just it spiraled from there and like i guess i didn't get in trouble she got in trouble but they were like what did you say and i was like oh it's funny that you're mad at me for thinking that this song is funny and it's funny to me that you're upset and then they were like why didn't they're like you even made her made her feel invalid or whatever and i was like dude, I'm not like one of the guys here that like ran his kid over. I just didn't really have anything to do when I was hearing shit on the radio. Like I could have probably just stuck it out.

But like I don't pay medical debt, so I figured, fuck it, I'll quit my job and go to the mental hospital. Also, I was going to like jump off a bridge or something. Yeah. It's neither here nor there. Well, you know, at the end of the day, I mean, who cares? No, I'm just kidding. I remember we were in group therapy or whatever, and one of the older, it was just a bunch of, like, old black guys who ran it.

Nice. But they were all, like, super chill, except for this one guy who was built like like a yurikai he was terrifying but anyway yeah he uh uh this this guy was like boys i know i know y'all are going through some tough times. I'm not going to do the voice he was doing. It was just his regular voice. He's like, I'm not going to, you know. What was I saying?

He was like, I know you guys are going through some tough times, but I think this could really change your outlook on some things. And he played from a tiny little boombox. I believe it was Brenda's Got a Baby by Tupac. To just like nine dudes, half of whom were there for overdoses. And the other ones are like they're going to fashion school or something. Or it's just a gay guy who smokes cigarettes all day. Like they're going to fashion school or something. Yeah. Or it's just a gay guy who smokes cigarettes all day. Don't say that to me.

It was a different one. But I can beat me to it. Yeah, I don't smoke cigarettes. But anyway, none of us are getting anything from it. We're all like trying not to laugh. Anyway, none of us are getting anything from it. We're all like trying not to laugh. And he's like, I want you to close your eyes and think about what's going on here.

And I just remember thinking in that moment, like, I don't think any of this matters. I think we're all just waiting. This whole thing we're devoting our time to prolonging. We're just sort of sitting it out. And there's going to be some fun parts probably. Yeah. But this is not one of them. But that's okay. Being at the mental hospital, like, at least for me I had this idea that I was like,

oh, I'm going to go in there for a week and i'm gonna i'm gonna come out sewn right the fuck up you know and uh and then i actually like relapsed there like on painkillers i had like not had any in quite some time and that same girl i was telling you about earlier we were at this because this was one a lot of the ones in austin and from what i understand a lot of them in general they got rid of their smoking sections because a lot of, like, sketchy shit. Sketchy in terms of, like, don't be trading pills and drugs and, like, you know, sucking each other off behind the smoking section at the hospital. But this one still had one. It was an older one. And I'm out there smoking, and this lady, that same girl, was like, just pulled this baggie out of her pocket and, like, put a bunch of pills in her hand and was like, and just munched them.

And I was like, hey, what's that? And she was like, oh, it's a bunch of Vicodin. You want some? And I was like, yeah, how many money? And she was like, oh, yeah, just give me, like, a half a cigarette or something. And I was like, dude, street value of, like, I was like, what's the milligrams? And she was like, oh, they me like a like a half a cigarette or something and i was like dude street value of like i was like what's the milligrams and she was like oh they're the 10 yellows i was like these street value one of these is like 8 10 sometimes more let me give you like some cash or something i she was like no just give me half a cigarette i don't want to hold them i don't i don't smoke anymore i'm like that makes sense i'm not going to question you anymore because you seem

pretty adamant that this is a fair trade. Yeah. But something in my brain was like, she was like, don't take them before group though. And I was like, yeah, I know. I used to eat these all the time. I'm pretty strong.

But something in my brain on the way back to group was like, you should eat them now on an empty stomach because it's before lunchtime. You didn't have breakfast this morning. And I did that. So I was in group just like,

I don't know, like being high in high school for the first time and you're acting too normal in your brain that like a normal guy looks like this like super stiff and like staring straight ahead and a slight smile and that's not what a normal guy that's what a guy looks like that's like what a really stupidly high guy looks like so i was like in group just totally like about to nod off, but just being like today I felt angry because like speaking, talking like a speak and say from fifth grade, not having any understanding or working knowledge of how to talk and act. And then like getting home and my roommates being like, how was, you know, your mental day? And I ate a bunch of Vicodin and traded some cigarettes and thought about killing myself.

So halfway through, it's pretty good. We're not doing too bad. Yeah. I remember there was – so they had us split off into dudes and broads or whatever. But there would be a common time or whatever when we all went outside. So originally I was only supposed to be there, according to my psychiatrist, for two to three days inpatient. So I got somebody to cover my shift three days in or whatever

because that's when i work next and i remember i wore a full sweatsuit and foam posits in because i was depressed that was still a little flashy foam posits and track suit or sweatsuit? Sweatsuit. That's just the best look. To walk into a mental hospital, I'm ready. Are y'all? You see these phone posits? That means I was proud of myself a year and a half ago.

Yeah. Not a tracksuit. I'm giving myself too much credit. See, for a while I was so deeply just giving up. I would go to Walmart and just buy the Fruit of the Loom matching sweatsuits. Yeah. And I would just wear those with flip-flops at my house because I was a winner.

Yeah, that's what winners do. No, but I mean, it's a school or whatever. You wear some Reeboks and it's winner. Yeah, that's what winners do. No, but, I mean, it's a school or whatever. You wear some Reeboks, it's fine. Anyway, so I, anyway, you get like three days into isolation, and pretty much any woman is just, oh, man. I mean, that's a dime right there. And there were, you know, not as many women in there because they're tricky. They don't end up in there so often.

They're really good at it. Yeah, they connive. Killings. Statistically, they either go or they don't. They don't handle pill overdoses quite well, no. They don't handle pill overdoses quite well. No. But there was like one girl I remember being hot.

And looking back, she was probably, and I don't mean this in an offensive way, but an absolute dog. But I tried talking to her like the fourth day or whatever, not in, like, a weird way. I just had a conversation with her that lasted, like, a minute and a half. Yeah. Because, like, I mean, you beat around the bush a little bit. Yeah. But you got to ask, you know, what's your. What's good?

Why are you in a hospital? What are you in for? Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, well, she asked me, you know, I was like, ah, you know, I just, this is for a show, you know. Yeah. Because it was for this. I did it so that I could talk about it, you know, later.

Yeah. And two, what, a year and a half, two years later on a podcast. Yes. Yeah. Thousands of people. Anyway, yeah. And I and a half, two years later on a podcast. Yes, yeah. Anyway, yeah. And I was like, what about you? And she was like, I just, I'm really into like killing people. And like hurting people and animals. And I was like.

Dope. I was like, I'm not like a narc man but like he what what she was like I haven't I haven't done it yet and I was like sick we're in the clear I was like what are animals you know I was like I get I'm like cause I'm like I can see mentally how most people

could become like a really bad serial killer yeah but I feel like animal like abuse

you just have to have had the absolute dog beaten out of you yeah every ounce of empathy just drained out like a sieve. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, I didn't end up getting her Snapchat or anything, because I... I would hope that you did. Yeah. It would have been very funny, though, if you were like, she was like, yeah, I'm into like, you know, kind of like watching a cat's life, like just his eyes just fucking pale over. Dude, I'll be honest with you.

And you being like, yeah, me too, dude, honestly. Like, just fucking pale over. Dude, I'll be honest with you. And you being like, yeah, me too, dude, honestly, like just like the way you pretend to be into something. You left me in there for three weeks

I would have found a way. I would have said, hey, that's tight. That's cool, man. Me too. You know what I'm in here for? Yeah. And she's like,

what? I'm like, I'm a pedophile. Something even more twisted. Yeah, just something, I don't know, that's the only thing. Now,

this is a true story, this is 100% true. No, I'm not, I'm not, I don't know why I said that. That's my, like,

example. I just picked the worst, like, worst thing. Something you would go to jail for. Yeah, like something actually, I should have just said,

like, arson or something, you know, because that's like, but no, I just said, like the, like the one thing that if there was like a rumor about that it would actually like it would crush your life it would just it would like like it would actually have a deep emotional effect on me

like oh man like i can't uh anyway yeah anyway yeah i i don't know. Sort of derailed that one. It's okay. I remember, you know, like, so there was, like, a therapist that you talked to at my place. It's not Jake's fucking funny form. It's the place I went to. There would be, like, a main therapist you talked to, and then there would be, like, a main doctor. And the doctor was what would like, she would manage your meds or prescribe you new ones. But now again, I was only there for a week,

so I didn't have much in terms of management, but I met with her like twice. And one time she was like, what are you on so I can have them, like a new script sent to you if you end up being with us longer than like anticipated or whatever and i was like oh i'm on lithium saraquil zoloft clonopin uh and lexapro and she

was like can you can you run those by me one more time and i'm like yeah i'm on lithium zoloft clomp and saraquil or prexin lexapro and she was like why and i was like i don't know uh my therapist just like gave me all of them and she told me it was good and she had like a weird moment where she was like kind of like she was like flabbergasted like like yeah just some something that like in her mind i didn't know this like i never really thought about like a doctor being over prescribed or like being a bad person like they're a doctor so like i thought my therapist was cool and she was like i don't i don't understand like so you right now from one doctor like you're not fucking playing skip a few like you got you are getting all these medic and i was

like yeah and she was like i can't i never looked at her notes but i'm imagining and looking back in hindsight i'm like that's the reason you're in here you're not supposed to be i don't care how great i don't fucking care how nuts you are how miserable you are like you're not supposed to make shit like that on top of like just recreational drugs and so she was like okay have you just tried like one or maybe two of those so she was like, okay, have you just tried, like, one or maybe two of those, and I was like, yeah, like, nothing works, and she was like, oh, uh, you know, okay, and she, like, recommended that, she was like, have you considered, like, yoga or, like, you know, I guess, I think she had considered, and I honestly considered the fact, too, later on, that, like, I wasn't miserable. Maybe I was

casually like everyone is, but I just had a shitty doctor that was like, yeah, you should eat all these at once, at eight in the morning, and then you should keep drinking and stuff too and doing a bunch of fucking cocaine. You should just not seek help for those things and then just see where your mind goes.

Run that thing. Just see what all of these medications do to your brain at one time. And I never considered that was evil. I just thought that's what doctors did was give you too much. But yeah, just to see a doctor's face kind of go like – there's only two times you see that, I guess. The time I experienced and the time where they tell you you have terminal cancer and it's gone. Cartons in like three weeks. Just like, you know.

Yeah, whenever I was in there, the psychiatrist in there immediately went cold turkey on one antidepressant and put me on another immediately. Whoa. immediately well but for like just those few days and then whenever I got out my psychiatrist like was like okay you know how was it I was like good I'm on a new medicine and he was like anxiety yeah and I was like yeah i've got one of those and then uh also they switched the main one and he was like yeah he was like well uh when we started that main one you know um about a week two before that you went in there and then you oh man this is this is going to be a rough few weeks for you. You're fucked. Yeah.

Yeah. It was funny, though, because the anxiety stuff, it's funny that I'm saying all this on one episode, just a deep dive into my mental health issues. Yeah, this has been the mental health episode. Yeah. We've been talking about it the whole time. It's going to be the whole episode. Yeah, it's clearly the health episode. Yeah. We've been talking about it the whole time. It's going to be the whole episode. Yeah, it's clearly the established topic.

Yeah, we didn't pre-plan this, by the way. We just are both deeply wounded people. No, we're cool. We rock. They had me. So whenever I got there, I was, whenever I'm like insane, I'm quiet, but you can't stop me. And I told the people in there, they had insane lock systems and stuff. I was like, I told them, I was like, if I want to get out, you can't stop me.

And they're like, that's not true. Like we have it all. There's, like, six different, like, doors you have to have a badge for. Yeah. And everything's, like, sealed up and everything. Like, you can't open any of the windows or anything. You thought you were going to, like, push them all the way out of there if you could. Yeah.

And keep in mind, I'm, like, borderline anemic, but also, like, skinny fat at the time. Yeah. Just, you know, like, in no position to be. To squab with nine orderlies who were. I've never used a badge to open a door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just thinking about it like it's Star Trek. Yeah.

And you can just steal. Spin kick your way. Yeah. Hack your way through. Anyway, but I, what I i did was so i had a we had roommates and for the first couple days it was a school mexican kid uh that i'm still i still have him on snapchat anyway he's chill but he he got released and then there's this kid with Tourette's after. And he was a nice guy.

He was great at keeping me up all night because of his stupid, stupid disease. But we had these windows, and they were like super thick glass. Yeah. Probably like, I mean, at least a couple inches. I don't know much about windows, but you couldn't break them with a chair. Yeah. And so I had been using the cap of my deodorant. I made it into a sheaf, and I'd cut through the drywall all around it

and then just sort of kept it in place. And then what I going, what I was doing was I was chipping away. I was chipping away all the caulk in the window so that I could just push it clean out someday. Yeah. Keep in mind they told me I'd be in there

like 11 days max. But I thought, I thought just in case. Yeah. And just in case Yeah Just in case It's a life sentence At the mental hospital I've got it under control For having a bad month And

My master plan Was working so well They They had this cool thing Where they would Oh with the Tourette's kid Anytime I was tired His hands could move so fast

Yeah I'd give him the deodorant cap And he was like a woodpecker. Jackhammer, yeah. He was incredible. But I was so afraid of getting caught with my like $25 worth of property damage I'd done. Yeah. Anytime in the mornings they'd wake you up and take your...

Did they... Oh, I guess you didn't do... I didn't know that. You didn't... Yeah yeah so they wait they at like five in the morning they rush in with like medical equipment and check your heart rate okay to make sure you didn't like kill yourself overnight somehow or something i guess yeah just cold every morning dude resting heart rate because they rushed in there was like 150 yeah because i was not i'm not used to that at all yeah no one and they they check it see that all right looks normal and then leave yeah there was

a i remember i had like was asking one of the i guess the orderlies or whatever i'm like hey what do you guys do when somebody goes like buck wild in here we were out he was out there smoking with us which was like not allowed like all. There was supposed to be a smoking section for employees, which you could see from our smoking section. And then a smoking section for the people who had brain bugs. But he would come over there

and shoot the shit with us. Like, hey, what's good, homie? I'm not doing a thing. He talked like a thing like he he talked like a 2005 like like halo older brother that like really likes the m&m lp like that's kind of yeah yeah he was just like you know he's like he was like you know hard times man hard players you feel me and i'm like dude you are uh like 48 years, and you're like,

I don't know, how'd you get this, anyway, I was like, hey, what do y'all do if somebody goes like, like gets buck naked

and like, you know, like starts swinging their dick around or like punching holes in their balls, and it's like, oh,

you know what Thorazine is? And I was like, yeah, isn't that what you like, they give you at the hospital, I knew what it was because that's, they give you that

at the hospital or something like it if you have too much LSD and you're having a bad trip. It just resets your brain or whatever. And I was like, yeah, I think so. He was like, yeah. If somebody starts yelling or throwing a fit or something, you just

punch them with it in the shoulder. You kind of just ice pick it. Boom. You hit the plunger and they go out. And I was like, nice. He was like, nah was like, ha ha, nice. And he was like, nah, man. Not a joke. And I was like, that sounds like super legal.

Like, it sounds like you're not supposed to administer like sedatives at that rate of speed without consent. He was like, nah, people in here just be like, just be out of pocket. You feel me? And I'm like, I'm like, that's not like an, like, you know, that's what you say at a bar you work at

or at a house party where it's your house and some guy's like smoking a cigarette indoors. And you're like, yeah, that guy's kind of fucking up or whatever, you know. And I'm talking about like injecting someone with like 500 cc's of horse tranquilizer till their heart hits like 10 bpm and they just fall over no i think somebody got hit with that when i was there um but i went to um i went

to one of the nicer ones in the dfw area just luck of the draw nice uh there's there's this one called like sunrise or whatever where they let they um it's it's by far the worst. They recently had a lawsuit for this employee kicked, like Spartan kicked somebody in the chest. Anyway, but their policy, from what I understood, you could just like talk back, like not even yelling it, and they'd hit you with it. Yeah.

But most of them, they tried to use it like putting down a dog or something. De-escalation or something. They were like, come on, buddy. I remember there was one really bad one. I don't want to say the name. I don't know how suing works. No one even listens. I don't care. But it was.

Well, I mean, people do. Yeah, they do. They actually, you're right. I don't know why I said that. That doesn't happen. It happens all the time, actually. It's a pretty active listener base for some reason. There was a... I was talking to...

It was a friend of mine's girlfriend, and we were sharing war stories about the mental place or whatever. And she's like, yeah, the one I went to has a huge sexual assault problem. And I was like, oh, that's terrible. Patient to patient like i have heard that like you know she's like nah the nurses and the orderlies just kind of like you know fill you up in the mornings when they're doing your in it and i was like oh are they shut down for the rest of their lives and everyone's like facing like lengthy jail sentences and she's like yeah no there's just really not a lot of complaining you can do as a person who's been admitted to a mental hospital.

And I was like, oh, oh, fuck. But I remember thinking like maybe she was exaggerating, but then it was just like a Google away. Like I Googled the name of it and then like lawsuit. And it was like just pages of like – and I was like – again, in your mind when you think about about it it's like these places are clean, pristine they're ran by people who care but it's like nah it's just ran by people

who like are like yeah like you want to like go beat that guy like in the head or like maybe kick him over or like bat his shit around

a little bit what is he going to do he's going to tell people he hears voices and shit he like does front flips in his sleep he plays like Star Wars in his mind

it's just a fucking Swiss cheese block up there so we can just paint his face up you know we can do whatever the fuck we want you know uh and so like hearing that i was like oh i guess i didn't go to a bad one because i didn't hear anything about that happening and everyone that was like because we would share group and lunch with inpatient people like people who were there overnight and they were all just sort of like i uh you mentioned the story about the girl and i was going to say something but i forgot but it reminded me that like i've told mental hospital stories like funny ones or whatever or just like interesting ones i found interesting like you meet you do meet interesting people in there yeah to to to people that i'm not friends with, but like, you know, at casual settings like bars, house parties, whatever, like restaurants, friends of friends.

And two, three times there's like a guy that's like, oh, you got any hot bitches in there? And I'm like, were there any what? He's like, yeah, you know, them crazy girls, sometimes they be fine as fuck. And I'm like uh I really wasn't thinking about that and it's like why not I'm like

well there's like it's a litany of reasons I'm just imagining like Spice Adams walking into like a mental facility it's the guy I mentioned earlier

it's the him and him older guy hello hello ladies it's Snoop Dogg walking into a mental facility. It's the guy I mentioned earlier. It's the him and him older guy. It's actually... Hello, ladies. It's Snoop Dogg in a pimp suit. Yeah, the boa. He's got a cane. I'm here for being way too playalicious.

You know, we're making a cartoon joke out of it. We're making it very animated, but I guarantee you there's at least a thousand guys in this country who've admitted themselves in mental hospitals it's just to try and finger fuck a girl who like loves a24 movies or something yeah it's all like uh it's just white guys who wear the flight jordans that are like 60 dollars you know you go to footlocker and they have like jordans up front but it's not a specific type of jordan it's like a hybrid of the 5 and the 11. It's like, yeah. It's only meant for like, you know,

like 14-year-old Honduran kids to wear. But then some 24-year-old guy with his girlfriend's last name tatted on him, buys him, and there's nothing you can do about it. Well, I was thinking about like, my mental

image was a guy and at least the people that you meet who ask these people that i met who ask these questions in real life they're more like wes anderson movie guys who like in their mind like they all want to meet they have arrested development and they have they want to meet fucking mary like a ramona flowers type like you know like a girl with bangs and like purple hair like they just assume women look like that in mental hospitals which hey that's not a far shot off you know but it's like they don't he's like they also smell bad though yeah they also like they're they also smell bad and like they're not like in the movies like quirky they're like hey hey, if I were to chew your nose off your body, would you be cool with something like that?

If I were to like that. Yeah, it would be like, hey, I've really had fun tonight watching this movie. Do you mind if I call the police? Dude, Longhorn Steakhouse, great dinner. I see that you have cut a heart-shaped hole into each one of my tires and there's some rune-shaped blood stains on my driver's side door do you maybe want to have a family together yeah do you want us do you want i think that me and you should raise, like, adopt an African kid, do some humanitarian aid work together.

Yeah. See, I'm at an age, you know, 48, where I'm realizing, you know, I have no idea how insane of a woman I'm supposed to you know marry or whatever cause cause you know high school or whatever you're like dude I'm never gonna like hang out with a girl who's crazy

I don't know why anyone would and now I'm older I'm like well you know who else is like medically insane like 30% of the time? It's me. Yeah, yeah, dude. What am I being picky about?

What am I like? Well, I'll talk to, you know, maybe I'll talk to a woman hypothetically, which is not something I typically do. Sure, yeah. Let's see. I've never done this before. Sure, yeah. Well, let's see.

And it's just like from community college or whatever. Yeah. And we'll talk for like three minutes. And then I'm just thinking like, oh, my God, you know. Yeah. Chemistry-wise, there's nothing there. I mean, I could sit at a whole dinner and just think about shooting myself in each individual toe. I'm going to think about wolves this entire day. You're learning to backflip at home, yeah.

I'm going to think about wolves this entire day. You're starting to go back flip at home. But then, you know, there's like, and not to generalize, but, you know, some women are, you know, fun to be around or whatever. And, you know, and then you find out they have like, you know, dead raccoons in their refrigerator or something. You can't be having that i i think it like this has happened to me even like again like even as an i'm not old but an older like late 20s or whatever like i'm old but like you talk to it's like i don't know you talk to a friend of yours and they're like uh yeah dude i can't wait for you to meet uh chloe she's super cool i'm like all right that sounds good um can't wait for you to meet, uh, Chloe, she's super cool, I'm like, all right, that sounds good, um, can't wait to meet her, man, you know, and then, like, a month and a half goes

by, and eventually, your paths cross, and they've been dating for quite some time, and she's like, you're like, oh, so, like, what are you into, she's like, yeah, I'm into, like, uh, spider legs, uh, I'm into, like, horoscopes and crystals runes uh like uh you know like blood sacrifices and uh like goth stuff i'm into like uh like uh alistair crowley and i'm into like wands and stuff like that and you're looking at your friend and the friend's like nodding like it's time for you to say cool uh but i have never been particularly good at stuff like that. In fact, I've been quite the opposite. I've been like, that sounds really stupid. And really dumb. And to just have...

I don't know. A guy you care about to just be entwined in something like that and to see, I guess, your face go numb when you're like, I don't care about any of that. That sounds stupid to me. Yeah, I'm not good at fake, uh,

interest or whatever. Yeah, I, and not in like a cool, defiant way either. I just start like, like drool comes out of my mouth and like I start

you know just sucking on doorknobs doing river dances and I just start punching I start I take my belt off and I start hitting everybody and no I I don't

a solid like 95% of the time i don't um and it could just be because of the friends that i choose but i like people i grew up with and then i'll see who they're dating and i'm like yeah it'll last about six months. She seems nice, like, short term. But you're not going to. But I'm not going to tell them that, you know. But then it'll be like six months. And then, well, I knew that. But, you know. See, my problem is, A, I tell them that.

Also, B, I think I've told you this before. Maybe just to catch a conversation on an episode. But, like, I just, like, walk away just walk away from people while they're talking to me. And I've been doing it my whole life. And all my good friends and people I know have told me, hey, you do this thing and people really don't like it. It's actually super rude. Because someone will be telling you something

that's super interesting to them or about their life and you will just not even say, hey, I got to go. You'll just, like, walk away. And I'm like, yeah, I don't care about that, like, at all. And then, like, a year ago, no, less than a year ago, I guess actually about a year ago now, my girlfriend actually was like, hey, this is something you do that's, like, really, like, mean. And I was like, oh, really?

How's it mean? She's like, well, people will be like, oh, really, how's it mean, she's like, well, people will be, like, yeah, man, my day kind of has been really shitty, like, you know, I found out my mom's sick, and, like, the dog, or whatever, and then I'll just, like, not be there anymore, like, I won't, I just, like, won't be in the vicinity of the conversation anymore, and they're like, oh, well, there he goes, you know, I was telling him something that was important to me, and then he's gone. So anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not a particularly good guy. Yeah, so you're a bad person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, people don't tend to have that type of conversation

with me very often I don't have I don't have that I think welcoming of a I have a very judgmental seeming demeanor

in most party settings not that I have really been to a party. Ever in your life? Ever in my life. Yeah. Ever. But I tend to, I think it might be even worse than just walking away.

What I'll do is, let's say, like, you know, somebody's talking to me and they're telling me about their new job. New job with this guy I met 20 minutes ago. Awesome. Awesome. I get to hear about your new job, man. Fire away. That's crazy. Yes.

That's great. I will start talking like this. Yeah. And I will say, oh, that's awesome, dude. That's, oh, yeah. You start putting, like, sober guy, like, drunk guy voice trying to sound sober, like, from early on. Yeah, I'm like, oh, that's, dude, that is crazy. Oh, yes, sir.

Yep. Just, like, making each word like a bullet directly to the heart. Just, oh, your girlfriend's a teacher? That is insane. Cool to me. That is crazy, man. I care about that a lot, yeah. I, yeah.

And I say that like I'm even interesting to talk to i'm not you talk to me to party and what am i going to talk about probably my new job or like a kind of bug that a friend told me about yep or like i i saw a squirrel today and it was actually grayish black yeah i've never seen that before ever i saw a guy and it's like golf cart, and the golf cart was lifted. Usually around me, it's like a smoking hot model. It's just blonde hair and a really nice body, but it doesn't even matter to me. Because I'm focused on scientific discoveries and inventions and developments as well. and inventions and developments as well.

Sure. Because you're always thinking about, like, really, like, heady stuff because you work at the large agent collider. That's okay. I'm froze up. That's all right. No, no. I was talking to a snowman. No.

Yeah. Frozen. Oh, man. See, that's what we call improv. No. Yeah. Frozen. Oh, man. See, that's what we call improv. Mm-hmm. That's what happens with technology. Here in the biz. If you come to one of our live shows in about 17 years.

35 years, yeah. When Jake will be dead, I'm going to be using a hologram of him, like with Tupac. But since the budget isn't there yet, I'm probably just going to have like a fathead made out of him. Yep. I'm just going to carry it around. I'm going to talk to it. And I'm going to have some one-liners like that.

If you come to the shows, the tickets are going to be... $55,000. Yeah, not dollars anymore, but then it's going to be called China bucks because I forget what their currency is. It's called China dollars, actually. Yeah, it's going to be called China bucks, because I forget what their currency is. It's called China dollars, actually. Yeah, it's not... It's not yen. That's Japan. No, I think it's China.

I think it's what I said. Oh, wait. Japan and China both have yen, I think, but there's a Japanese yen and a Chinese yen. I thought it was a yuan and a yen. It's like there's a Canadian dollar in Vietnam. I believe... Maybe I'm making this up. I think it's called dong.

That rocks. I think I might have made that up. I need to check that. You don't need to. No, you don't need to. Let's just rock on. That's what it's called. You know what they...

What do they sell there? What do they sell in Vietnam? Well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you? No, I wouldn't. I don't. Really? I'm asking you because... Really?

Because you're in denial of the Vietnam War. I was about to say Vietnamese War. I always forget Is it Is Vietnam I feel like Thailand Is more But I guess

People go To Vietnam For that too For what Something you would Know a lot about Can you just Yeah

Cause I'm an activist In preventing it Oh okay And you've done Nothing to Deforestation What do you go there To prevent though

The You know how many Pesticides Have destroyed And you've done nothing to deforestation. What are you going to prevent, though? You know how many pesticides have destroyed the natural, beautiful landscape of Mother Vietnam? I think it's something that starts to pee that you're into. Yeah, and it's... Let's hear it. Come on. It's a real clutch moment that I just slipped away thinking of the words it starts with. There's so many that you could have said. Bad poop.

Poor boy. A little poop. Beep. Poop. Yeah, you're a poop prevention activist. Yeah. Speaking of which, I don't know how we've made it this far in without me. I think you just put your mind to it, and then once we cut it off and we say, okay, see you Monday, you're going to completely just shit yourself in the gaming gym.

Yeah. That's how I want to die. Like the fat guy from Seven, but just with the Zoom open and my face frozen on it because the internet went out. I used to think it would be cool to have like a really honorable death you know growing up yeah growing up in Mongolia and But now I realize, you know, the thing about the way you die, the thing about that. Okay, okay. Not only are you probably not going to realize it until the last part, you don't realize that's actually what's going to kill you.

You also won't remember it. You should be dead. And, you know, other people might for, you know, say, let's be generous, 30 years because of the family that didn't love you that much. Yeah, kind of wanted you to die, but not in a natural way. Yeah, and I mean, even if you're like a really beloved figure, give it 70 years. No one really loves anybody like that. In 70 years, you're gone. Yeah, sure, 100%. Anyway, I want to go out like David Carradine.

You want to go out jacking off and hanging yourself? Yes. Like, so... Not on purpose. Okay, yeah, I was going to ask. No, he didn't die. No, it was autoerotic asphyxiation. No, see, I don't want to seem like I went out on purpose, but I'm fine with, hey, I'm fine with going out on purpose and making it look like that's what I was into.

If that's the first time you ever do that. That would be very, very funny. Because if you do that and that's how you die, people always assume you've done it like 300 times. Yeah, of course. But you can mess up. It's never your first time. That's clearly your first time. Here's the thing. Like, you can overdose on heroin your first time sure yeah a lot of people um yeah it is a beta move but you can do it um it's like dude it's level one and you failed but anyway a

lot of guys go to like you go to thailand for the first know, and just fall in love with what goes on there. Yeah. For work. I'm a worker. Yeah. I'm the working class, dude. Man, I go there for a month, I come back with 200 bucks. What can I say? 200 bucks worth of something. And not only that,

you asked me to say one thing I said in the last 45 seconds. Gone. Out the window. I don't know what I was saying. Oh, no, wait. David Carradine. Yeah. Jacked off. Here's the thing.

If it's the first time you've done it, imagine the euphoria. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it was incredible. Because it's got to be, to a certain extent, like a law of diminishing. Returns. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's investing you know yeah sure we know we have a ton of money we have so much yeah well you have all the money it's like how um uh last week i had 100 bucks in bitcoin and now i have 152 because i put another $50 in total.

I made $2. No, because then if you were actually suicidal, okay, people don't feel bad about you dying that way. No, they don't care. People think it's, your friends will think it's funny. Yeah, well, I mean, maybe. They will think it's funny about three three weeks later yeah it's gonna take that long yeah you're right you're 100 at least my friends they'd be like

the first three weeks they're like ah fuck jake's dead and then somebody's drunk enough like three a month in they'd be like okay but he was jacking off though and then it would be like the funniest thing to them for at least a year yeah yeah. See, I want my death to be considered like for people to be able to laugh after, but not like too soon after. Because there's people out there who when they die, immediately people are laughing.

Yeah. But let's say you go out like that. They could feel awesome also. I don't know if I've reiterated that yet. I think it's got to be, dude, these Hollywood guys dying like that, all right? Yeah.

They've had every, like, pleasure known to mankind. Every depraved sin known to humankind. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you're David Carradine. You were in Kill Bill. Yeah. You were doing, like, the best heroin money could buy. You were. And you needed to jack off and hang yourself to feel good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's got to be, people talk about different combinations of, you know, research chemicals. They're always looking for that new thing. It's right there in front of you. And you're too afraid to take that. That's a piece of rope. You're too afraid to take that it's a piece of work too afraid to take that next step i'm not too afraid no no i think it i think me and you should do it together in our first live show well yeah

there's different um i'm not sure what you mean by that no i don't know no you need to you look you just we're on your horizons and I mean you were threatened to send me a picture of your ding dong and I was going to

it's not a threat it is a plan I'm working on I'm getting the right angle

I'll do it if you ask me to but no how can there be when did that start?

When did what start? Autorodic asphyxiation? It had to be whenever they invented, like, the slipknot or whatever. I know there's different types of uses you can do it, but... I would like to think it's a guy, like, you know, 17, 1800s, you know, like, Manifest Destiny West. And he survives a lynchingching like a hanging for a crime maybe he did even he did commit and then he's like wow that felt like super cool to die a little bit and then his mind put two and two together and he was like you know what else feels super cool

jacking off and so you know he melded that let's just call him you know, he melded that, let's just call him, you know, Benjamin Franklin. And let's just say he went through that. And, like, to couple those things, I imagine, you know, you feel those two pleasures. Nearly dying, busting off. Nearly dying, busting off. Nearly dying, busting off. And then you do, like, a math equation, and you're like, what if you combine the two? The first guy to do it probably felt like God. I mean, because you know you're the first. Because if you're doing it at, like, 400 years ago, you know you're the first guy that ever did it.

It's clear. It's clear to you that you're at least the first, like, you know, important guy to ever do it. Or even a guy that just, like, worked at a shoe shop. Well, if you're that far back, you don't know you're in the past yet. Yeah, so you're creating history, but you do... Well, we know who did it. Who's that? Well, because we named it after him.

That's why it's Oscar Erotic Asphyxiation. Mm-hmm. Oscar Erotic Asphyxiation. Yep, that's... Thomas is grinning like he's been mining ore for 50 years and he saw a flitter of gold. Thought of that seven minutes ago. Been waiting for Jake to wrap up. Oscar erotic asphyxiation.

Oscar erotic asphyxiation. That's gold right there, baby. The whole story was leading up to that. I've had it in my head anyway. And thank you for listening to the episode. This is a premium, right? Free. Free?

It's free. Wednesdays are freebies. Today's Wednesday? Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was Sunday. I dropped my phone. Yeah, today's Wednesday the 13th. So we already recorded an episode this week and put it out.

Yeah, premium was the one where we tried to get the audio right and it didn't work. Dude, what a time to be alive. Folks, Jake is running the business. Like, top. I'm letting the government put me on lithium. Mm-hmm. That's true. I'm about to get on that.

And so you think I'm boring now. You just wait until I'm on that. I'm going to be talking like a crazy robot. I'm going to be. Yeah. So Thomas and me are both, from the episode you've been listening to for the last hour and, let me check. And eight minutes. Dude, wow, that was literally by the second spot on.

Hour and eight minutes. Clearly you can tell that me and Thomas have very clean, sharp, precision-based minds. We do. Yes. Nothing is really wrong. It runs like a machine. I can close my eyes as long as I want to and i don't see anything that's bad it's just eyelids yeah just eyelids there's nothing back there yeah i hide from yeah i don't know where i was going with it but you know i'm running the

business and you're running the business um just like your family. As you know, my good friend, Jake Rothschild. I thought you were going to say my actual last name for a second. No. I just thought it was close enough to where it was. Yeah, yeah. Well, I already named dogs myself. Well, yeah. I mean, people already know it's Weinstein, but I just figured I'd go for the different.

I am Jewish, that's true. Yeah. That's a punchline there. Not the fact that those are both particularly soiled surnames, but that they're just Jewish. I didn't know that Harvey Weinstein had anything. I just thought he was one of the guys behind Inglourious Bastards. He was. He was, yeah.

He was. Not my favorite. Imagine a guy like a Quentin Tarantino fan from 2007 waking up out of a coma and being like, wow, I'm really excited to watch the new Weinstein. Yeah. Tarantino Project. Hey, here's who I am. Who's that? I've decided I'm the

only guy who's still mad at Harvey Weinstein about Django. Okay. That's the only... Just that he was involved in it. So I think about how Louis C.K. was like the guy behind Pootie Tank. Yeah, he was like a writer on the team. Yeah, he was like the director.

Was he? I thought he just wrote. He was at least the producer. I think he directed it. Wow, okay. And he also wrote it and stuff, which is pretty cool. I didn't know that was a movie until last year. I only

knew it from the Big Sean song, Dance Ass. Where he says, whip my belt off. I'm Pootie Tang. And I thought he came up with that. I thought that was like a character that

Big Sean came up with. With I thought that was like a character that Big Sean came up with with his brilliant lyricism. Powerful line, sure. I haven't seen the movie, though. Do you have any quotes from it you remember? Here's Pootie Tang. It's me.

I'm Mr. Booty Tang. And, hey. It's catchphrase. And that's that. Or my name isn't Booty Tang. Or my name isn't John Booty. It's all the characters talk like Michael Caine the whole movie. I can't.

I can't even. Most of the way. I can't even fucking do it. It's making me laugh. You're telling me that there's a a booty tying aboard this plane yes it is that's right

there's a there's a there's a plane inbound let's go back to the bed cave with Mr. Booty Tang Master Tang that Christopher Nolan gritty Batman he like signs back on and it's just Booty Tang. Monster Tang.

That Christopher Nolan gritty Batman, he like signs back on and it's just Batman versus... It's like, oh, who's the next big bad? Where's Booty Tang? Yeah. Where is he? There's a picture of... It's like a diagonal oval type shape graffiti

all over Gotham and it's got a piece of a picture of, it's like a diagonal oval type shape graffiti all over Gotham, and it's got a piece of a picture of a penis next to it. And he's wreaking havoc on all the abortion clinics in Gotham. Are there any abortion clinics where you're at? Yeah, that's where I live. You live in one? Yeah, it's... I live in the one where they do all the science experiments on them,

like the frogs in high school. Okay. For the videos that Ted Cruz retweets. Yeah, they just pick them apart where they're still alive, and they flay them out like a rotisserie chicken. It's awesome. Somebody on Twitter, it reminded me, somebody was like,

I really love the take that some people try to do. It's like, yeah, actually the South isn't racist and sexist and homophobic. It's actually like woke or whatever. I don't know. I see a take like that a lot. It's true, actually. It's about what's in your heart. And most of what is in the hearts of people that live here is good stuff.

They really enjoy... Where is Biggie Shorty? Booty tight. Okay. Alright. Thanks for listening I guess This has been If you're listening now I mean you're listening for free

And you're downloading From Thomas' Thailand compound Where he works And there's The Thailand Abortion Clinic Pedophile compound Where Tyler Thomas

Tyler Some men Hey, hey Tyler Thomas... Some men... Some men... Hey, hey, here's... Some men just want to watch Booty Tank. It's not good, but it is... It's not good. It's just I can't do it because I'm laughing too hard thinking about that exact quote. I don't remember what...

I know what Michael Caine sounds like and I can do an okay one if I'm alone in my car and give myself like five minutes. In fact, I had like a bit about it and then anytime I tried to record, I just did like a really bad British accent. Tone-wise, it was not even close.

Yeah. I would like try to, so I have a decent Alex Jones when I'm alone. Yeah. And I have a decent Arthur Morgan from Red Dead 2 when I'm alone but what I realized recently is my Stone Cold Steve Austin my Alex Jones and my Arthur Morgan from Red Dead 2 they're essentially the same

it's just different inflections on certain words like when I'm doing Alex Jones and I'm like okay how is this different from my arthur morgan and it's like oh the alex jones is just quicker and there's a more of a rambling grit to it and then the morgan slower a little deeper and then like when i'm doing steve austin i just do morgan but breathier like he just ran like a 2k you know bill clinton just take the grit out you know uh i did a pretty good Cat Williams impression the other day.

That's good. Well, you know, it was really good. I was actually hanging out with most of, with. The original Kings of Comedy? Yeah. I dug up Patrice O'neill and i showed him um now but uh i noticed that i i also because i the reason i did this was because i had a terrible illness of the the lungs and so i could make my voice insanely raspy and so i could also if I lean my neck back far enough, I could do like a spot

on Lil Wayne. Okay. I'm not gonna do either of these. Yeah. I'm just letting you know that they're in the repertoire. If we get to where we just have to lean on impressions. Yeah.

I Bill Cosby used to be like the default. For you? No, no. For like comedians to have an impression of him. I always thought it was the scene from Seven where Brad Pitt's like, What's in the box? What's in the box?

You know? I guess. That's what you hear a lot of guys do they're like have you seen that movie where brad pitt says what's in the box i'm like yeah yeah and they're like what's in the box and you're like yeah no i get it you know i i hadn't um i didn't know that was the same movie till i reached the ending of seven oh that's funny like and then it also wasn't really that funny to me because I didn't know

how seven ended that's how it that's pretty much the ending of the movie yeah no no like I didn't know that's what was in the box

I didn't know that the context of the scene that's kind of I mean like like the like the

the frets I knew what was going on in the movie but yeah like it wasn't funny to me because of what happened. Oh, okay. Because I actually take stuff like that kind of seriously.

You know? Yeah. I don't know what to gather, man. Anyway. I guess if you're listening to this now and you're listening to it for free. Then you suck. You're the worst. We don't want you to listen.

It is free. Quit listening, dude. We want you to listen to more of it. Don't ever listen. We want you to listen to the premiums, too. So if you go to patreon.com slash pandeo time, there's a logo we've been meaning to update. And there's audio we've been meaning to sharpen up, I guess for a month now. Yeah.

I snuck a picture of Jake Shurtless through his apartment blinds, and I'll show you the picture if you subscribe. To the John Wayne Gacy pricing, which is a real pricing I made. Yeah. If you want to give us $50 a month, we'll let you. And in return, almost nothing except we'll each probably DM you thank you. Because it means a lot. We'll do like a...

Yeah. We'll do a skit. We'll bring on us a third mic. Hey, tell you what, let's promise this now to our listeners. Oh man, that's bad. That's bad. If you do $50 a month, you will be the... $50 a month for 2 years

and you'll be given into a drawing for 100 we're going to debut yeah my Adderall is completely worn off but it's ok I've been poisoning my body all day thanks guys for listening to this freebie.

We love you so much. All right. Bye-bye. Beep, beep, boop. All right. Cool.