Pendejo Time - couples therapy pt 3

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

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Houston, we have liftoff. We are noticing that Captain Thomas White is putting his butt cheeks onto the thruster, and he's disengaging the rocket. Okay. Captain White, over. Over and under, sir. Can you explain to me why you're putting the throttle into your butthole and moving it around? You're risking the safety of the mission, over.

Sir, I was using the ship's bidet. That's not a bidet, that is the throttle. You are reaching Mach 10. Sir, I must throttle it to clean out my insides due to my space diet of mostly milk duds. We didn't, uh, We do not supply milk.

Did you bring unauthorized contraband? I brought unauthorized milk duds onto the air space plane. You do realize you are the first man to touch Mars if this mission is successful, over? Do you believe that milk duds are the proper diet for a man of your profession and stature? I also brought a Mars bar. I thought it would be funny if I ate that, not on Mars, but on Jupiter, if we go there instead after. Which I figure if we're still in the area, you know, if we're still in space. You're risking the lives of two Chinese guys, two Russian guys, and a Mexican guy that we just threw on the ship.

I do that every day. I want to let you know that, you know, basically the type of guy that I am, I'm just putting everybody in danger. That's just kind of how it goes for me. I'm a real leader. I put strangers' lives on the line every day. Every day I drive drunk every day i get behind the wheel of my lifted king ranch and i do 110 in residential neighborhoods uh this is just one of my favorite things to do and now i'm an astronaut uh i remember uh our career day so the nasa like the uh

space center is pretty close, uh, to where I grew up. Wow. Richie rich over here. Yeah. Yeah. You know,

uh, and it was like career day and I never wanted to let, there was like, uh, you know, who wants to volunteer to bring their parents in for a career day? And, uh, you know, everybody's like, oh, my dad's a cop. And like, you know, my dad works at NASA.

And I remember one time the teacher was like, uh, Jake, do you, Jacob, do you want to, what does your dad do? And I was like, uh, I think he, uh, I think he like has a shovel and I think he's got like some work, some gloves. I don't, he might be an undertaker or a kid, a hit man. I'm not like entirely sure he's covered in mud almost all day when he comes

home from work and he's really pissed off. It looks like he just got done crying. So I don't really know. Okay. I think it's best if we just, I honestly, in hindsight, if I would have had the brain that I do now I would have been like

yeah absolutely I would have told my dad hey you know come let them know what you do all day hey I'm Dave mostly I just crash forklifts been doing about 25 years I shovel shit off of tugboats

and i guess that's about anybody got any questions uh i got you in the bag oh what what are you what like how long you been doing that my whole goddamn life uh next uh when do you think you retire fucking never that was like uh the fucking one of my favorite speeches my dad would get i guess like in the few moments we had where he was like i'm gonna i'm gonna put you on game son i'm like okay i'm never retiring and that was like what i gathered from a lot of the people that worked in the industry is that none of those guys have like some of them are really smart with money you know they've got like an rv they travel in but i guess i would say like 70 percent of them they're like they have no point they just work out there till they die which is

kind of like intense to think about i mean i'm only i'm in my 20s so i like it doesn't make sense to me didn't compute but i can't imagine being like swinging a hammer at like 68 years old you know because a lot of your shit just falls apart by the time you're like 40 in that industry yeah you know i mean what are you gonna do learn to read i get i mean it's i remember that do you do you remember the whole like we're gonna take all these people from the the appellations and what we're gonna do for these old coal and steel towns that got outsourced and shut down. We're going to teach these people how to code. And I remember thinking like, man, I don't know if like people on the Gulf Coast are similar to people from like, you know, old forgotten steel towns. But if I were to show my dad JavaScript, he would just shoot the computer with a gun.

Like it wouldn't. I don't I don't think that that was like ever a viable real option for and i'm not saying they couldn't do it i just think they think it would be gay like take a guy like them like you're gonna get a computer job now you know i'm saying i i would love it if a bunch of oil field guys just infiltrated like the tech scene yeah that would be awesome just fucked up the culture of it like there's just yeah it's like they're they're like yeah we have like beer on tap for the employees and some guy's like i'm going to drink more of that than you could imagine do you

know it's like it's like it's like fancy ipas it's not like you drink like 10 of them he's like i'm gonna drink 50 of them i'll i'll be able to drive home the the first time that i ever worked in a spot that had a bar or like they had alcohol it was i had a moment like that where they're like when i was getting a tour of the office they were like oh we converted the back like storage room into a bar and it was a self-serve bar they had liquor back there beer and they're like whatever you want on Fridays we have our intern go get it and I was like oh okay dude yeah they're basically that I like I'm watching my co-workers have like a beer at like 4 40 you know like 20 minutes before

quitting time like that's nice and it's like noon on Thursday and I'm shit fucked hammered I'm like that's nice and it's like noon on thursday and i'm shit fucked hammered i'm like i mean you guys you guys and bright you brought this on yourself you took a guy who worked in kitchens basically his whole life and gave him a an office job so i mean this is really on you like it's not my fault you know they didn't have any restrictions on it really it was just i think it was unspoken restrictions basically i guess the rule was don't do what I did, which was basically just be drunk, you know. But at the time, I think I was like 21 or 22. It was like if there's alcohol within like 15 feet of me,

like I'm going to drink it and I'm going to drink like a whole bunch of it. Like it's not really, you're kind of. It's not an age where you like can casually drink. Yeah, no, it's not. At where you like can casually drink yeah no it's not at least i mean for most people unless the the exception being if you've been an alcoholic since you were like 10 and like you're settling down phases when you're like 18 i've known guys like that yeah no i mean same it's always like you're at one of your first high school parties and there's one guy who's your age technically but like in drinking years, the oldest guy there.

And he's just having five beers. And you're like, man, aren't you going to turn up? Have some more? Let's get blackout. And he's like, no, I got to work in a couple hours. I don't really want to get drunk. There was a guy at college. I mean, I kind of was both.

The first time i got drunk i was nine and then like i guess i started drinking regularly around like 13 or 14 but yeah i knew guys in college that like i would be at a party i'd be like hey man you need a ride home and i'm like how can you drive everybody and he's like man I quit drinking like three years ago and we're all like 20. I was like oh shit man like you Mormon or something and he's like no I mean I had a pretty bad problem with alcohol but it's chill though and like in my mind I'm like what did you like did you kill somebody before you were 18? Yeah I like that old tweet it's like white people be 19 years old and like 15 years sober yeah yeah well they're like i

have that with uh like i guess i quit doing blow i don't know like three three years ago now i quit doing coke and when i quit a lot of my friends who were a couple years younger or whatever they were just getting into it and uh like yeah man like i'm trying to score like a 40 bag or something like do you know anybody i'm like nah i deleted all those numbers out of my phone man i had to stop doing that stuff and it's always funny to tell somebody who's just getting into coke to casually mention that it kind of ruined your life it really fucks their night up i've stopped doing it i'm now i'm just like nah man i good. I used to have a really bad habit of like giving people my life story when they absolutely didn't ask. But hey, man, do you know any any plugs out here for like white or like pills? Like, nah, man, I fucked my whole life up

and everybody hated me a whole bunch. So I kind of just had to stop. And they were like, man, I didn't ask like at all. Like I didn't, you know, I really didn't. I just wanted, you know, you fucked my evening up now. And I'm like, well't you know i really didn't i just wanted you know you fucked my evening up now and i'm like well you know think about what you're doing and they're like i have a job i'm you know i'm normal you're just you know you you you you made like a billion mistakes inside four years and i'm not you or whatever not i'm talking like an old like a a veteran like a guy that's like where one day you're gonna wake up everything's gonna be fucking gone and you ain't gonna know what happened and they're like okay well i you know i work at google i'm just trying to do a little yak you know all right old timer the the the one a meeting that i

like was forcibly required to go to when i was in the hospital it was the it was like this 60 year old dude there and he tried to guess that one guy had been molested and was not correct that rocks the guy trying to remember who it was i was on so much fucking visceral yeah like i'm i literally cannot remember if this was me. It may have been. I just remember it happening in there. I have a lot of memories like that, and it takes one of my friends to correct me,

where I'm like... Like, I'm guessing it wasn't me, because there were other people in the room. So... Yeah, yeah. But this wasn't that long ago. This was... I mean mean this was what no shit this is like what uh like five five and a half years ago yeah somewhere yeah that's actually kind of a long time yeah that was when i when i was in the in the in the clink in the in the funny farm it was 2018 it was like yeah around there i guess

i remember like you we talked about it before several times several episodes but they're like wide array of people you meet in there like they're like one of the guys that was in there was a homeless guy who was just like i come in these every now and then you know One of the guys that was in there was a homeless guy who was just like, I come in these every now and then. Just take a week. Food, bed, some Haldol, some Xanax. Then I just hit the streets again.

I was like, oh, that's nice. I'm here because I was going to kill myself, but I realized I didn't want to drive to the parking garage to do it. So I came here instead. It was just a shorter drive, and I didn't have to drive to the parking garage to do it, so I came here instead. It was just a shorter drive, and I didn't have to pay for parking or whatever. So it's just kind of like a convenience thing. Yeah, my favorite guy there was a guy who took 12 Xanax and then got mad.

He was like, I was cool. I was fine. I was just chilling. I didn't even overdose. I just took 12 Xanax, and they thought that I was trying to kill myself, and I was having a good ass time Yeah

Dude I I had friends that like I had a close friend that would like Take like 6 sticks And then he would be mad When we would like hide his sticks from him And he would be like Hey dude I'm just trying to like

Unwind It's been a really hard week It's Tuesday And you know I had a really bad shift at work. I got sent home after like an hour. So I've just been trying to unwind with like 15 milligrams of Xanax and like half a bottle of vodka.

So if you take those Xanax from me, I'm going to kick you in your fucking head. Yeah, acting like somebody turned off the football game. Acting like you just got home from a civil war like that like there's something about like a certain point of time for certain types of addicts where they're like man you know what i've had a rough two days at work it's been really really tough i need to

unwind with six oxycontin and like 10 beers i I, I was that way for a little bit before it kind of got out of hand where I was like, yeah, you know, it's been tough. I need to unwind with just, you know, like eight different substances in my body.

You know, I just got to really let it all hang out. You know, everybody's up my ass. They're saying you're going to die. You know, everybody's like, it's like Monday and you're hanging out with like six you know everybody's like it's like monday and you're

hanging out with like six dudes and everybody's like man i just know this is gonna be a hell of a week like this is gonna kick my ass and everybody's like yeah i gotta like apply for a job yeah it's like what i'm up to right now um uh the uh the oversharing of like of certain both like anonymous blank anonymous be it n-a-c-a-a-a uh and then like certain people in those institutions it kind of put things in perspective for me where like uh how do i phrase it's like you know it's your turn to talk and you're like uh you know i share how you're feeling today and like you know why are you here it's like uh you know i just been going through a lot and i got some bad medication and

i've just been drinking too much and i got to some fights with some people and i was just kind of an asshole and you know i had suicidal thoughts and ended up here and then you know you go around the thing and there's like this frail person could be guy or girl whatever it's like at four years old my dad put me in an oil drum and just threw me into the gulf of mexico and then i landed on an island and i was fucking stabbed 90 billion times by floridians near to death and then I cried like they give you this story that you're like it you're like man my life isn't even two percent that bad like what am I doing here like and again there are people we've talked about that like uh you know dramaticize and they're they're very there for they're there very much for the romantic at

quote-unquote like manic pixie bullshit they're there to romanticize oh i'm in the i'm getting a grippy sock vacation like we talked about that but then there are people you're like i know this story is true i just need to go home and chill out like i know that this person this this insane like cormac mccarthy ass bitch across from me that just had this like stupid dystopian life really makes me realize that like i don't really i'm good you know i just need to like sack up i guess you know yeah i never really experienced any of that um i just kind of worked in one of those places like you know as one of the coordinators like a coordinator yeah you're hosting football games between like people with bipolar disorder and people with schizophrenia i remember there was this one fat old black dude who worked at the hospital and he

like we'd have like kind of not one-on-one but like group sessions was just one of the one of the dudes there and it like he was like i know y'all been fiending for some music since y'all got in here. And so he started playing like California Love. And then like, it was just a bunch of like, just suicidal white dudes. And then like, one guy, one Mexican dude who was like kind of in there for stealing cars. I think, I don't know. I think he just talked his way into going to a hospital and sent him to jail. I love that.

Yeah, I think. I think he just talked his way into going to a hospital and sitting in jail. It was kind of clear the whole time that he was not depressed, really. He was just like, growing up, bro, he was kind of tough. You know, he was hard. And they'd be like, that's good, Daniel.

And the next guy's like, yeah, so whenever I was four years old, my babysitter said I could play Super Mario at his house, so I went over there. And he did let me play Super Mario, but he also molested me for about ten years after that. So kind of not a good tradeoff, really. Yeah.

And then it goes back around, and one guy's like, Yeah, I like stealing cars. I like being crazy. I'm a wild local guy. You know, like me, I just live life on the edge. And they're like, How old are you? Fifteen. My name's Caleb.

Yeah. I've been smoking glass since I was like eight years old. I got my parents. Like, my mom's a bitch and my dad is a pussy. They love me so much. They love me so much. They're paying nine grand out of pocket for me to be here. Because I'm addicted to stealing Subarus.

And then he goes back around to Daniel. He's like, honestly, bro, like, growing up, I wanted to, like, go to church and stuff. Like, I wanted to be, like, a pastor. But, like, my family, like, they wanted me to, like, they wanted me to do other stuff. And the coordinator's like, man, that's like, so how did that make you feel? Bad?

Bad. Made me feel bad. Like, have you ever felt like, you know, like, like you just want to, like, kill and then, like, you take a nap and you feel better? Yeah, no, that's great. It's a great way to put it, Daniel.

Yeah, sometimes I get so mad I just fall asleep. But, you know, sometimes I also, like, steal cars and, like, you know, stab people, like, a lot, a whole bunch. Did I tell you about that 12-year-old boy in there? No. Who tried to convince, who tried to, um, he tried to have sex with me? Uh, you've never told me this

No I haven't Yeah so there was this uh So I was like 16 or so at the time 16 or 17 Okay And um So I had to be in the minors ward or whatever

Right right right Yeah so There's like a no closed door policy there basically for the bedrooms. Right, right, right. And this kid is not staying in the same, we're not roommates. But anyway, I'm kind of just, I think I like uh reading a newspaper or something in my room yeah this kid walks in um and he he was a piece of work i don't uh i don't know what all he had going on but he had a lot more going on than i did he'd had a much harder life yeah i mean he

looked probably 30 and he was 12 years old hell yeah anyway uh and dude he had a voice like uh his voice was like mac's mom okay it's always sunny i don't know how he'd smoke that six that many cigarettes hey thomas dude yeah he was like he's like so you've never been with another guy right yeah i was like i was like no daniel i have not i uh it's just not something that i'm particularly interested it's just not really not my thing what are you what are you doing man you doing okay and he was like well have you tried it and i was like no dude and it's like i told him i was like it's really like a lot less this is a weird situation because it's not even really the fact that you're a dude it's it's the fact that you're a 12 year old boy and we're in a mental hospital right now.

We're in the fucking... We're in a psych ward, dude. Yeah. And you just offered to get fucked in the ass by me? Who's trying to get dicked down? I was so confused, dude. It threw me so off guard. He was like, well, I just figured I'd ask.

And I was like, dude, don't let anybody in here fuck you, okay? Like, I don't know. You kind of put your hand around him like an old brother. You're like, hey, man, don't let anybody. Somebody tries to fuck you in here, you let me know, okay? Jesus Christ. And don't ask anybody else because I don't know. Somebody might say yes.

There's a super autistic dude a couple rooms down he might accidentally say yes and i know what he's getting into but yeah that was uh that threw me off for sure there was a girl he was the alpha in that situation is a funny thing he was a 12 year old boy who was looking to get digged down by an older it's like you're in jail and some guy walks into your cell and is like, you're going to fuck me and that's it.

Yeah, he was like trying to spit game at me. I'm like, I'm not bi-curious, but also I'm not, what is... It's so sad, but it's like,

I feel like those places, man, like you have to, at least for me, like there was a girl in in in our group um and she was like two weeks sober from meth so she was still kind of fucking like you know and we were all on our regimented medication and shit. And she, all she would talk about is how her boyfriend, you know, her boyfriend broke it off with her to get sober. And she was lonely. They'd been together three years.

And they were supposed to go to this concert together. And now she doesn't have anybody to go with. And she still had the tickets. And we were around the same age so like we kind of struck up a bit of a friendship but she was out there very strange obviously fucking tweaker and I

was on so much lithium and saraquil that I was like and I wasn't sleeping so I was like kind of getting like I was in a bad I wasn't sleeping. So I was like kind of getting like, I was in a bad way too. Like at least with psychosis, I was like getting messages and shit and fucking weird. You know, I was kind of just going completely fucking wackadoo. Anyway, at one point we're

outside and she's like, Hey, um, would you want to go to this concert with me? I know it's awkward, but I don't really have any friends and my boyfriend you know bailed on me and we broke up and I don't want these to go to waste and me I was like yeah sure whatever and I gave her my phone number I was like I'll do her a favor I didn't know what concert it was and so that was a bad idea she was blowing my phone up and you know for like two weeks or whatever and i'm like what concert is this she's like i'll let you know when i pick you up or whatever and uh she gets to my house and i'm telling my friends what's going on i like i tell my friend i come back for the mental hospital and i'm like i met somebody there and one of my buddies was like

stop uh-uh he was like you what do you mean you met somebody there i'm like i met a girl like around my age i think she's like 21 um we're gonna go to a concert together and he was like you're not gonna go anywhere with a woman you met in a mental hospital that is like like that's like uh 90s comedy levels of retarded like she's gonna fucking cut your penis off or she's gonna eat you or some shit. Or she's gonna, like, rob somebody and you're gonna, you know. I was like, dude, you know, she's chill, bro. It's like, you know, she's been sent, you know,

to, like, you know, help me out or whatever. And he's like, all right, well, you're fucking insane. She gets to my house. I get in the car and she's like, are you excited for the Buck Cherry concert? God damn it. And she's like, are you excited for the Buck Cherry concert? God damn it. And I was like, what? And she was like, yeah, I'm a big Buck Cherry fan.

That's who it is. We got floor seats. And I was like, oh, yeah. I mean, I was already kind of this far in, you know. I was like, yeah, let's go see. I was like, she's like, what Buck Cherry songs do you know? We can listen to it the whole way there. And I was like, I really let's go see. I was like, she's like, what Buck Cherry songs do you know? We can listen to it the whole way there. And I was like, I really only know the Crazy Bitch song.

And she's like, oh, yeah, that's a great one. And then she turns it on and she's like, hey. Yeah. And I'm in the passenger seat, dude. And I'm like, my conversation with my friend Cameron is like playing in my head. And he's like, you are going to go to a concert with a woman who spent the last year smoking glass and you know or whatever and just kind of going nuts eating pills and and now i know it's a buck cherry concert we get like 10 minutes down the road she stops the car and she's

like hey um sorry i gotta take this and she like pulls off on an exit into a gas station and she was like you know like i get out of the car i smoke a cigarette i get back in the this and she like pulls off on an exit into a gas station and she was like you know like i get out of the car i smoke a cigarette i get back in the car and she's like visibly upset she's like hey um so that was my boyfriend he wants to go to the concert after all and i was like oh oh so like what do i do and she was like i mean i don't really know you know i just figured you could just go home and i was like oh okay so she like drops me back off and i come back you know my my friends are like my roommates are like what what happened here man and i was like it was a buck cherry concert but she ghosted me

for her for her meth head boyfriend and my all my roommates just start busting out crying and i was like what's so funny and they were like can you not understand the gravity of the situation that you just walked in and told us you went on a date with a woman you met to a Buck Cherry concert that you met at the mental institution you were gonna go see Buck Cherry floor seats play live something that you would not do under any normal circumstance but you're fucking retarded right now and you're not taking your medication and you're drinking again and doing drugs again. So, you know, whatever. And then she leaves you in the driveway.

She bailed on you. What does that say to you where you're at in this position in life? That that girl would rather go with this guy who's probably thrown her downstairs a thousand times to a Buckcherry concert than you. And I was like, kind of getting choked up. And I'm like, you don't got to say it like that. You feel like assholes about this.

And these guys, I had like not paid my portion of bills in like four, like they were just cooking me. I'm like, you guys are really being mean right now. And they're like, kind of like in a sensitive place. Yeah.

At that point they were done when they're like you get what you deserve you fat fuck you fat fucking stupid dumbass and i'm like you know talking to my dad on the phone and it's like yeah you know i thought i met a nice girl at the mental hospital and he's like you're a fucking idiot he was like what the fuck did you just say boy and i was like well i mean you know she seemed pretty and you know she's got drug problems like me and he was like why the fuck would you ever entertain something like that i was like i we were gonna go see buck cherry together and he was like who he was like i fucking didn't even think you liked him and i was like no i fucking hate that shit but you know he was like man why would you do any of that for like, what are you doing this for pussy?

Like, what are you doing? And I was like, just kind of wanted a friend, you know. He's like, man, you really need to get it together, son. I was like, Jesus Christ. I was like, my dad's telling. Weirdly enough, like this was like, this was, like, summer 2018. I, like, this is when I started, like, this was when I tried to start, like, kind of getting it together. But I spent a year, like, basically being the guy that's, like, yeah, no, dude, I haven't been doing any fucking coke.

Like, I haven't even been, like, really even buying it. You know, like, the guy that's, like, yeah, I'm super good right now. Dude, my life's turning around. And, like, they've like they've got like a black eye and their nose is busted up they're like bleeding and they're like yeah dude i've never been happier medication's working good cut back on the drugs you know and you're like 100 man i'm happy i'm happy for you you know yeah i don't know what i could not tell you one song other than crazy bitch that buck cherry made i could not at gunpoint dude no me neither i couldn't uh i couldn't either but it was one of those times in my life where like it wasn't dangerous like a lot

of other the stupid shit that i got into where you kind of have a moment of reflection where you're like that could have gone bad you know but it was so stupid it was so cartoonishly stupid that i was like i don't want to go see buck cherry with any more bipolar women that smoke crack i don't ever want to be in a situation where like somebody's like what'd you do over the weekend man and i'm like oh you know i hooked up with this girl i met um it's a mental hospital and we went to go see buck cherry uh and then you know we just talked about our lives and stuff and you know smoked a bunch of coke you know just kind of chain smoked in the back of her toyota sunfire for like 10 hours just stuff like that just cool cool guy stuff, you know?

Yeah, there's, I mean, thinking back, there's so many like interactions with women that were just, just didn't need to happen. Yeah, 100%. I think I went on one date with like a goth girl in like 2018.

Yeah. And she had a kid like seven months later that's awesome yeah like i i uh it was like no hard feelings or whatever you know but then i i i saw the i saw the You know This woman That had a baby And I was like Oh good for you And then I scrolled past Or whatever

You know I was like Ah yeah That's nice And then I scrolled back up And I looked at the date And I was like Wait

Let's do a little bit of math here This isn't Once again Not a big deal But Right Let's see when this occurred And yeah

She was like Six weeks pregnant or whatever. I'm like, I mean, it doesn't matter. I didn't have relations with the woman or anything. I just saw a movie or whatever. But it's just funny, you know, like, ah, man, I missed it. I'm like five weeks late on this period. I got to go see the new Despicable Me movie. It's like, man, I'm kind of going to.

It's some guy that my friend knew from high school. It's like, man, I haven't had a period in a month and a half. You know what I need to do? I need to go on a date with a guy that digs holes for a living. I was doing nothing with my life at this point. I literally was doing jack shit. I had basically dropped out of school, but I wasn't working because I convinced myself I needed to focus on school. But I wasn't going to class either.

I was just driving driving around and i would like go bowling and then just like drink yeah i i did that for a while a lot longer than i cared to admit to myself but yeah there was a couple times that i like uh i would go out drinking or go to a house party with like somebody that I worked out with or whatever, you know, or a friend that knew me and knew that I did like, you know, make MMA stuff from time to time. Like whenever I was in a good mood or whenever I could do it. And I had a couple instances where I would be hanging out with like either really rowdy, druggy fucking weirdos or like yee yee people. either really rowdy, druggy fucking weirdos,

or like yee-yee people. And there were a couple times where like some girl would be like, oh, let's wrestle. And I'm like, no, that's bad. Even as drunk as I, please don't. She's like, no, I bet I can win. And I'm like, I don't even know who you are. This is really weird.

This is a really weird, kind of like in a different way of the 12-year-old thing. You're like weird this is a really weird kind of like in a different way of the 12 year old thing you're like this is a scenario that can go south even if i even if i do everything right in this scenario you know and uh you know they're like but then they just kind of like they would just charge me and i'm like you know hey uh we hey and then my brain is like you have two options here you can just run around the house with this drunk bitch chasing you

which looks bad or you can just dump her on her head which also looks really bad cause this person's already like you know and I'm trying to figure out which one is the best route yeah cause like what's the best case scenario like you suck this guy's dick like in the living room of the party like is that is that what she's going for well i don't think it was even i don't think

no i think they were just drunk like like 115 pound like angry women and like that you know like girls who just like drink you know beer that are like i fucking hate men and i hope they die you're a guy oh yeah you're within you know and then like you're in a situation you're in a tactical defense scenario where you're like what do i what is the best course of action here? It hasn't been an overwhelming number of times at all. I think it's just hanging out with... I have one scenario coming to mind, and I didn't do a good job. That could go on.

I kind of... You brought up the scenario, and I was like, oh, man. Yeah. Because it was like i think it was i think it was like probably uh a flirty type thing but like you know it doesn't matter now or whatever but i think um i i think what i said what i said was basically like i would fucking kill you because it was funny to me yeah and it didn't uh i didn't land i didn't know the

girl at all so didn't really just kind of a scary thing to say to someone you know like i would literally fucking kill you if you tried that like i would fucking just i mean it'd be so easy i would just stomp your head in yeah i've definitely said shit like that to people who were like fucking around i would people that i'm close with people that are still my friends to this day they're like getting a little testy getting a little oh yeah i love i love saying it now because i don't drink or anything anymore. And like, I just, it just is clearly like, like, I'm not going to do shit to anybody. I never like, dude, on tour, apparently, I don't remember this, but I tried to go get a beer from the tour van. And my guitar player shut me off.

And he was like, hey, man, just go to sleep, bro. Because the night before, I kind of had a little like, this is right after my dad died. So I kind of had a little moment where I was just, like, just, you know, in a bad way or whatever. It was just being a good friend to me. And I was like, I'm the devil, dude. Apparently, I told him I'm the devil. Because he was telling me this the next morning,

and I was so ridden with guilt, and I felt so bad. He was, like, crying, laughing. He was like, you looked me in my eyes, dude, and you were like, I'm the devil. And if you don't give me that beer, I'm going to fucking kill you. And I was like, did I really say that?

And then my bass player was like, yeah, man, verbatim. And I was like, dude, I feel so bad. And they were like, no, it was hilarious because you couldn't even stand up straight. And you're sitting there and you're like,

if you don't give me that Miller High Life, man, I'm the son of the devil and I'll fucking kill you. I was like, I was like, man, I don't really, I think I'm too old to be saying stuff yeah as like whenever uh me and my my buddy who's like twice the size of me were boxing whenever i was shithouse and he'd had like two beers and and i had not been knocked out yet but in my head i had the i was trying to work so hard in my mind

to be one step ahead despite having like a 24 inch reach disadvantage that he hit me at a certain we'd been going for a while it probably not as long as i think it was probably like two minutes literally because it couldn't have been that long drunk boxing a fat guy. It doesn't take a long time. Right, yeah, yeah. But he hit me and I stumbled a little bit. And then he just hit me with a little jab or something. Yeah. And I started drunkenly explaining the rules of boxing to him.

I was like, you can't hit him. You can't fucking hit me while i'm on the ground dude and he was like dude we are both standing right now we are not fighting anymore i was like don't be a fucking bitch dude come on keep fighting me come on he's like no we were doing this for fun why are you fighting to the death now yeah we're in somebody's shed yeah it was it was a concrete floor it was just a shop it was somebody's like dad Yeah. It was a concrete floor. It was just a shop. It was somebody's, like, dad's, like, workshop. Where he goes to fucking...

But in my head, it was like... It was like, you... If you lose to this 6'5"... Big son of a bitch. 250 D1 basketball player... You're a pussy. While you are, you know, like, nine... You know, Miller Lights deep.

Also, by the way, you've not gone to a gym in a year and you're wearing bootcut jeans right now. In my head, I'm like, what I have to do now, he's being disrespectful. I have to kill him. I have to do now, he's being disrespectful. I have to kill him. I have to kill my friend, unfortunately.

It sucks that I have to do that, but I got to kill him. I'm like, what I'm going to do is, if he knocks me down, I'm going to try and spin towards the shovels, and I'm going to stab him with a shovel in the throat, and all his blood's going to come out. Yeah. I think because I hung around with so many also, like, shitty, like, emotionally stunted, like, angry people,

there was kind of this mutually assured destruction, because I often wonder, like, why didn't anybody just knock me out? Because I've had nights just bad like you know fucking name name substance whatever that i'm like yeah dude i'm fucking sick of this i'm sick of everyone here anybody talks to me it's game over and everybody's like jake you can take the bottle of j of Jim Beam and you can take just take you to go to bed, man. And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to. No one's going to stop me. And they're like, oh, yeah. They're like, no, man, we're not going to stop you.

If you just leave this public forum where everybody's trying to listen. I like how both of us act like we're like seven feet tall and like 400 pounds of muscle. I would be like, what are you going to do? Fuck with me right now. And they're like, yeah, you look like fucking like Mr.

Potato head, dude. Like that is you. You were sweating when you walked in and you parked like 10 feet from the door. Yeah. Dude. I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, they, I'm fucking bulky, dude. I'm like a goddamn bodybuilder, dude. I'm like a goddamn bodybuilder, dude. I got like lunch lady arms. Yeah, yeah. If I do a fist pump, then my tricep hits me in the face.

Yeah, I'm pear-shaped. I'm like living off of like chicken wings that are like four days old, and I'm smoking like two packs a day. And I'm like doing fucking God knows how many drugs. And I'm like, yeah, I will take this bottle and go to my room. And they're like, yeah, man, you, you know, we, we would hate that if you did that, we would really hate if you went away from everyone just trying to hang out, you know, like just trying to listen to fucking Gucci Mane's trap house three and just smoke cigarettes inside because you know if you just want to go in

your room and drink that bottle of you know and fucking do drugs and look at the wall we would hate that nobody here would like that at all we would really just we want you to stay out here and you know like take a pot from the fucking dishwasher and smash it over your fucking head and say i'm the fucking devil and And like, you know, and like, I think my testament to, I don't think it was ever really like a huge, like pant, like, like a huge, huge issue that I did it all the time was that I still have friends. I think that's a sign that it was like once every few months, it's like, oh, that's just Jake. You just gotta, it's like a dog that got out of the kennel. He's got to run around a little bit.

He's got like separation anxiety. He starts like chewing on fucking doorknobs and shit. It's just like, yeah, sometimes Jake just gets all the pots and pans out from under the cabinet and starts smashing them into his head and, you know, saying that, you know, the world's ending. And, you know, the fucking, it doesn't matter. It doesn't, you know, you just got to let him do that. Sometimes put Rocket League on, turn the projector on, and then just let them go nuts.

But don't let them walk around the house too much. Yeah, I like that it's in our biology to think we're hot shit. Just as soon as we stop growing for a few years, as soon as a little bit of beard stubble starts coming in somewhere, we're like, I could kill a lion. Yeah. Well, like I told you when I was at my dad's going away, like I keep saying that. I keep saying like he was joined the military.

He's on a gondola right now. Yeah. I keep saying like, yeah, like he's moving to New York to go to Columbia for like film school. Yeah. Dave just got really into criterion collection. We're doing this going away party. No, it is like celebration of life or whatever.

Like whenever all of his friends were there and they were like, yeah, you know, sometimes he would just get this look and then he would just turn to you and just punching the stomach. You'd have to just trip him onto the dirt and just let him lay there for a couple hours. I'm like,

dude, I'm just, it's, I'm not as bad as he is, I guess. Cause like I can, you know, mostly a nice guy, but I'm like dude I'm just it's I'm not as bad as he is I guess because like I can you know mostly a nice guy but I feel like I you know that was just in my like intertwined in my like mitochondrial DNA to after eight to nine Miller Highlifes to be like yeah basically I'm John Wayne and John Wick and I'm Brad Pitt from Fight Club and uh you know

I'm super strong like I don't think anybody here has ever met a guy who can bench 170 three times before his shoulder gives out. So I think everybody should just be careful because I'm about to start throwing elbows. Yeah, I remember for some reason just assuming that I, despite the fact that I never got pussy, like ever. Right. That it was something I could do pretty much anytime I wanted. But I just like, it wasn't like a priority.

I remember having this discussion with a friend where he was like, hey man, like girls think you're funny and stuff. I think the main thing is like you've had that pedophile mustache for like a year. Yeah. And it's like, it's not getting any thicker. It's just kind just kind of pretty it smells like you can smell it i can smell it from here it smells like old beer i'm like girls love it and then he's like they do not nobody do you love it i'm like no looks like shit he's like shave it i'm like no i'm not going to he's like also it's fine that you know it's fine you don't have to lose weight, but every party we go to, you wear a giant Hawaiian shirt, and then you drink one beer,

and you either take it off or you unbutton it all the way, and you start setting beers on top of it, on top of the gut. And you poke it out, and you try and make it talk sometimes when you're drunk because you can roll it. And you can, yeah. We did the same shit. And it'd be like, it's, I mean, he's like, girls, you know, a lot of girls like big guys, you know. But you can't, you can't be like, you know, doing stuff with your titties like at the party.

You can't be sucking on your own nipples and shit. And I'm like, I'm like, I literally don't do that. First off. Second, you're like a huge bitch. literally don't do that first off yeah second you're like a huge bitch like you should know that and like also i can knock you out you like you're a bitch and you never get pussy and he's like i have a girlfriend i'm not i'm not cruising here i'm like you first off you are here to sabotage me because you're worried i'm getting way more pussy than you he's like dude i'm in shape i have a girlfriend and i have a job and i can punch you and beat you up you live basically in

your car and at my house yeah yeah it's like like all my friends who are in shape that were like physically fit i would be like hey man you better you better chill out how you're talking to me you know i don't we can step to we can handle this like you know handle this like men and they'd be like 100 man and i'm like you know that i that i got hands like that and they're like you did i'm gonna keep it a buck with you don't anymore jake and i'm like you don't know dude because you know i ain't as good as i once was and they were like you're 265 270 right now. You're a lanky guy. So you're not, like, that's not muscle. Your natural build is, like, you're skinny.

Mostly just skin and bone. So you can swing at me if you want, and I'm just going to, you know, move out of there. My favorite line was, like, yeah, I've really been filling out since high school. It's been cool. Like, I came out of high school, like5 like pretty solid yeah like 511 185 is not like man he was fucking skin and bones back then i think i was like nope you were pretty much filled out and then you just drank beer all day for two years yeah you didn't you you made an effort to stop drinking water you said you

were tired of the way it tastes and now you look like a ghost a big fat ghost pear-shaped ghost i think i told you like my friends would have a similar conversation with me and you know not about the mustache because what the shitty one i have now recently has been a recent development. Since you're growing the hair out, it works. Yeah. I'd say if you had the Hitler cut still, it would be a no-go. Yeah.

But a scum stash can work. With the long hair, yeah. My friends would, I think I told you, my friends would be like, Hey, man, dude, you know that girl Chelsea? She's in your English class. I'm like, yeah yeah we were talking it's like dude she was really she talked to me after you know i was like oh what she say like i got her number he was like dude she was really feeling you uh and you just like you know kept going to the bathroom to do blow uh and you know i could tell you know you popped a couple vikin in and at some point you started telling you looked at her and you said it wouldn't matter

if everyone in this party died suddenly like if everybody just you know like if we all died like you know people would just sort of stop they wouldn't know who we are you know inside 100 years like somebody will say your name for the last time before the century's up. And my buddy would be like, you can't say stuff like that. You understand that when people are at, like, a party, right, and there's music playing and there's Molly, you know, and people are, like, living up, like, they're reveling in their youth, you know, are like living up like they're revel they're reveling in their youth you know um that a guy who's really red and sweaty no matter how charming he was when the party started uh you kind of undo all that by being like yeah you know sooner or later all this shit's gonna go away and it's not

gonna fucking matter like that degree you're getting good fucking luck dude what are you studying english you're gonna be working at fucking jamba juice and i will be too you know but it doesn't really fucking matter you know you're just gonna die and the girl's like oh cool i have to be literally anywhere else but but here like that was always my like it's hard being a sigma yeah you know yeah that's what a sigma is for sure i've looked into into it. I know what that is. It's the picture of John Wick. And then that's, I think that's the whole thing so far. It's a picture of Brad Pitt from Fight Club.

And he's like smoking a cigarette. And he's doing that monologue about how you're not your fucking khakis. And like, you know, like we're the middle children of history or whatever. And there's like MGMTs playing. Dude, I swear to god i think had i been around in my early 20s when that shit was popping off like 20 1920 oh i would have absolutely loved that shit like there's no way i would have missed that like i do not think for a fucking second i would have saw one of those edits 18 1920 and been like uh-huh yeah i understand

this and a lot of people don't because a lot of people aren't dark triads like me they don't understand that the world is a fucking constant you know swirling turmoil of pain and misery yeah i people i forget that like there are they're like high school guys are you know it's like uh you don't have it all together yet like you could see an andrew tape video and be like this guy's pretty cool yeah no 100 yeah i say that i'm i'm fucking almost 23 years old you know but you know if you're 16 or whatever you don't know what cool is yeah like you see wolf of wall street and like you think like this is as good as life can be well what's funny is i was 19 doing like you know maybe a gram of coke every couple days and i would watch wolf of wall street and be like

basically me and this dude same guy we you know we fuck uh we fuck like you know eve saint laurent models we hang out on the lake you know like me and this now i'm probably in better shape and a better fighter than him so maybe i'm cool yeah he's kind of sloppy if you look at him i'm not like that i'm still sharp yeah i'm super leaned out right now like yeah this leo di caprio guy is a slob dude you ever think like have you had you not met certain people in your life that just straight called you out they were like you are a fucking moron that you would have just kept down that path of like utter you know like you know fucking

debauchery and stupidity and like just delusion because like i had a strong circle of friends that i still have that were like hey man uh no one really gives a fuck, dude, about the boo-hoo shit that you do when you get fucked. Like, I'm sorry, I know you got your demons and stuff. And, you know, you don't want to talk about it, we're here, but like, maybe don't do it at like a day party. I think for me it was less like that type of thing, because I was an asshole, but I don't think, I don't think I was enough of one for it to ruin people's nights usually.

Because I would just kind of sneak off a lot of the time. But I didn't realize, I never thought of myself as having a drug problem, really, ever. Right, right, right. But whenever I was like, okay, I kind of need to get my shit together or I'm just going to be smoking weed in this gravel pit like forever. So I went to get a warehouse job, but I had to pass a drug test. Yeah. And I was like, no fucking way am I passing a drug test. Yeah.

But I was able to, I tested clean somehow after three weeks. Nice. And I legitimately don't know how. Because you ever do one of those detox things where it's like fucking 50 vitamins? Yeah. I took one round of those and I swear to you, I almost died. Yeah, I've done those detox. I thought I was completely dying.

And so I was just like, fuck it, I'll just... And so I started going to the gym, not because I wanted to get in shape. Yeah. But I started doing cardio to burn fat so I'd have less THC in my fat cells. Yeah. And then I started losing a little bit of weight. Yeah. Not a lot because I still, you know, I still ate unhealthy.

But I was eating a little bit cleaner to pass this drug test. Yeah. Because I was like, like okay i'm eating too much fat too much sugar this more thc is going to show up yeah um so and then i pass my drug test get the job and then i'm working night shift yeah so there's really no temptation to do drugs right right because i don't have time and then my sleep schedule gets so fucked up. Yeah. I have no social life at all. Right. And then I have to work out after I work or I can't sleep.

Right. Because I have to, like, relieve the stress. So I end up losing, like, 25 pounds my first month. And I'm like, ah, I actually feel a little bit better. And I tell some friends, I'm like, yeah, dude, I haven yeah i like tell my tell some friends i'm like yeah dude i haven't done any drugs in like uh like three months now it kind of feels weird and they're like wow yeah jesus fucking christ are you serious thank god i'm like yeah i've like lost a little bit weight too and they're like how much i'm like oh like like 35 pounds

not bad right and they're like that is like how did you do that and i was like well so i was eating fast food for every meal and i would get about four i would eat about two probably about two pounds of cheeseburger meat per day so now i only get one cheeseburger and fries and i get one soda when i go to get dinner and they were like that's like a cheat meal like what do you what do you mean i was like well i don't get a milkshake and i don't get the iced coffee and i don't get four to five quarter pounders every time i have a meal and they're like how are you okay man and i was like i also switched to diet soda and just do the diet soda i think i've lost several pounds so yeah i people people will ask me like man how did you lose the weight i'm like first off i switched to diet soda and i stopped eating like 10 cheeseburgers

a day yeah and then i got mono and i was too lazy to gain the weight back yeah yes that is literally the whole thing you know people on twitter have reached out you know um and i've been kind of like i've been i've been pretty open with like you know the drug stuff and the fucking you know being a fucking sad sack like you know piece of shit or whatever and and then like losing weight and trying to turn things around like and and still fucking up like, you know, piece of shit or whatever. And, and then like losing weight and trying to turn things around, like, and still fucking up, but whatever, you know, just kind of like telling that part of my life story to people and people will reach out and I have similar, like back and forth people are like, Hey man, like, you know, I'm like kind of gained some weight and I feel like I'm smoking too much weed, you know? And I just wanted like, you know,

I've read your posts and I listened to the show, like, how did you do it? And I was like, man, there's no, like, I was like, first of all, if anybody's trying to sell you something, you know, don't listen to them. This is, this is if you're, if you really like want to do it, basically what you're going to want to do is anything that you like indulge in stop. basically what you're going to want to do is anything that you like indulge in, stop. You can literally lose 20 pounds by just not drinking alcohol. Like just don't drink alcohol for like a month. And then like, you know, if you want to drink again, just don't drink during the week.

And they'll be like, oh, that's tough. And I'm like, yeah, it sucks dick. Because it's like when I was at my heaviest, I was drinking like four Mad Dogs a day and then like putting like 50 wings on my credit card that I never paid back and then just, you know, doing that. And I was like, then, you know, you're going to want to see a treadmill. First, before you get on the treadmill, look at yourself in the mirror. Getting mad. Getting mad that you, you know, that you kind of look like cross between like uh what's her face from the show girls uh lena dunham you look like lena dunham crossed with like you know um bill murray take a

take a gander at your physicality be mad about that and then just turn the treadmill up to its highest incline and then just walk uphill for like an hour and then just do that for a month and you'll lose like 30 pounds and they're like oh well what about like calories in calories out what about keto and i'm like man honestly a lot of that shit don't eat fucking cake like obviously don't eat quarter pounders all day but it's like the science behind it like in my experience at least getting really into macros and shit only is important if you're trying to like get lean like if you're trying to get a great way to give yourself an eating disorder for no reason yes i i have yes yeah and i have been there before uh where i'm like you know how many carbs are in yeah i tried to fucking do the protein loading thing. And, dude, I was just full of shit.

I had diarrhea like 10 times a day. I was trying to eat 250 grams of protein per day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my body was full of like chicken meat and shit all day. It felt like I probably had like 20 pounds of just undigested stuff in my body. Yeah. Not 20, but like 10, like probably 5 to 10. Yeah, it's...

You'd be surprised how much of like most people's gut is just bloating also. Yeah. No, it's... I had... Mine went down just like cutting back on alcohol. Like it, you know like it because it's just you don't realize i'm not trying to go down some stupid fucking rabbit hole but it's like it's so good man is our show it's true it's so prevalent in american culture to like

you know what are you doing after work i'm gonna drink 13 beers and play battlefront or battlefield uh and then i'm gonna you know drunkenly order like you know two large pizzas and then i'm gonna do that every day and that is like how i unwind and it's like for a lot of people man that's that's what they have and they don't really they don't really see that it's you know negatively affecting their physical and mental health or whatever and it didn't for me it wasn't until i ballooned up to almost 300 pounds that my friends were like, hey, dude, you stink. And you snort when you breathe. And that's just got to, you know.

Yeah. I mean, it's hard to be disciplined about food if you have an alcohol problem. Yeah. It's also. I mean, like, I mean, a lot of it's like, oh, how do I be more disciplined? It's like, well, I mean, you're going to have to do like the hard part first. Yeah. And like a lot of people, like even me, like I have a problem with food in general.

Like I will. One of the things that was the hardest for me was like somebody explaining to me. I was just a buddy of mine who's in good shape was like, do you eat until you're full or do you eat until you're sick? And I'm like, oh, I eat till I'm sick. Like till I want to go lay down. And he's like, OK, don't. And I'm like, well, then I won't be full. And he's like, no, like eat, like well then i won't be full and he's like no

like eat like eat a chicken breast and a cup of rice and then wait 10 minutes before you go eat like three chicken breasts because i was eating healthier but i was like i would meal prep and i would eat a week's worth of food like you know like for dinner or whatever and i'm like i'm eating clean i ate 9 000 calories worth of brown rice and chicken or whatever. And that is another issue too. It's like, if you're just an, I'm a person of excess, I always just kind of have been like a per like, even with exercising, like if I get back into the gym, I'm working, I'm trying to work out two, three hours a day. It's just, I, you know, I'm just a person of excess. So if you can try to, if you're one of those people and you feel it's an eight to your being, just try to be excessive about things that are at least a little bit healthier for you. You know, that's my own.

That's Jake's takeaway for Jake's takeaway. Yeah. Thank you for joining us for the health corner of Pandejo time. The health, the healthiest guys you've ever known. Right. To to to have the least health problem having that you've ever known in your whole life. Two of the least health problem having people. Yeah, yeah.

Mentally, emotionally stable. Joints work just fine. Earlier, my brain tried to convince me that I have gout now. But it's just because I have a sinus infection and my joints hurt. Yeah, I'll convince myself that I'm going bald and I have cancer like once a month. My hairline is legitimately coming back. Yeah, I mean, it looks like it's getting down there a little bit. I mean, you never had a bad one.

No, no, it's... Whenever I had with my hard hat, I would fucking rip my hair out at least once a week accidentally. It sucks, dick. And it just turns into like broom material when it gets ripped, and then it's just gone in the wind. Gone in the wind, Jake. You know, when you get up to my age, you have to face some harsh realities about the man you're becoming. If you like Thomas and I's advice on how to be a better man,

you're going to want to go over to patreon.com slash pandehotime. Patreon is spelled P-A-T-R-E-O-N. We've had this show for two years, and we've never explained how to spell that. For all my dyslexic folks, folks with an X. Patreon. Yeah, yeah. Because we mostly cater to people with learning disabilities here.

So just do your best. Mosey on over there. We've got a Braille website too. Jake's setting up. So if you've got any questions. Don't fucking put that. We've got to be 88. God, you fucking asshole.

Yeah, we've got five bucks a month. We're putting a wheelchair ramp up in my back. Just in front of your house. No, it's just up to my desk chair. Yeah. Up to like the squat rack in the backyard or whatever. Get after it, son. Five bucks a month gets you access to premium episodes,

the whole goddamn backlog. There's like 100 and something in there now. Ten bucks a month gets you access to one video episode a month. I think we got like, I don't know, 10 or 15 or something now. Yeah. $50 a month. I've got a video of Jake in a Chili's bathroom squirting out of his hole. And I'll show that to you.

5K cinematic. Yes, sir. Paul Thomas Anderson shot it. So if you're into fucking movies, you really want a visual sensational delight. You can hop on that 50 bucks a month tier and you can be among real champions. I think three guys who just. Three guys who love hanging out. Anyway, thank you so much for spending this admittedly limited amount of time with us.

You're going to die someday. Yeah. And you probably spent an hour. You could have spent this time with your daughter. Right. Actually, you know what? Let your daughter listen to the show.

She's crying in her room right now. She hates you. Go give us $5. You're not giving it to her. Yeah. Bye. Have a good one.