Pendejo Time - Covid 3

Episode Date: July 4, 2025

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standard than a truck but I guess he's probably bought more vehicles than I have he's got a bunch of old S10s and so that's why he was he was like yeah I've got he had a real thick accent but like not from Texas it was kind of like very slow, very lot. He didn't pronounce his L's. He said, oh, it's an old truck. You know what I mean, one of those guys. Very kind of like, I hate to always use him as an example, very Lindsey Graham-y. You know what I mean?

He was younger though. Maybe it's because I like that guy. And I didn't ask him about any of the animal stuff. That felt inappropriate. Yeah, I think that would have done it. So this money you're giving me, am I taking money out of a dog's ass right now? So are you going to have dog sex back here

where I used to sleep? It's fine. It's your van now. But I guess I would kind of want to know, are you going to dress up like a dog and have sex back here? Or are you going to have human sex? Yeah, are you going to have human normal sex? He was nice.

I don't want to be mean. He was nice. I think he just, you know, definitely a guy who didn't get out much. And he was very nice. And then I got picked up. Dude, I got picked up at Uber, taking me all the way from Austin to St. Marcus. The guy's name is Yureski, a Slavic name, and he was driving an Audi in a full Adidas track suit with a flat top haircut, sunglasses on, and he was listening to nothing but like, Show Me Your Pussy, Corrito, or whatever the fuck it is. It's

like all the songs are about like literally in the middle of the club pulling your penis out and having sex with a girl in the club on the dance floor, and he was listening to it incredibly loud. And he had full Adidas everything. Well, his sunglasses were black and white. But he had the white with black stripe track suit, track pants. And then he had the white with black stripe Adidas. And he was white as fuck.

But he was listening to music only in Spanish. And he spoke Spanish. And I had this weird moment where I was like, you he was listening to music only in Spanish and he spoke Spanish. And I had this weird moment where I was like, you're not supposed to have this name. I didn't say this to him, that'd been crazy. But I was like, you're not supposed to have this name. So like did in my mind, dude, I do, I don't know why I do this. I was Googling while I was in the car with this guy, Slavic migration to Mexico. It's like, the name really pissed me off.

It didn't make me mad. But I was like, you can't be named Eureski and be like this. What is that mysterious blue potion you just say on topic? Thomas just grabbed a big mason jar filled with blue liquid. It's like a mana potion. Anyway, I kept falling asleep in the back of the Uber because I'm sick. And I would wake up for a second,

and I would look in the rear view mirror, and he was just staring at me through the rear view with his fucking huge ass sunglasses and his flat top haircut. That is kind of a pimp move to get a 30 minute Uber when you have COVID. Um. What was I going to do? I was like, what the fuck was I going to do? get a 30 minute Uber when you have COVID.

What was I going to do? I said, what the fuck was I going to do? I had a mask on, Dick Muncher. Not the fuck is I going to do. I don't know what the, I was stuck in. I have a mask on whether I have COVID or not, but I guess that's just me. Because it's an enclosed space. OK.

I would have probably gone in the trunk. The trunk of the, of the Slavic. Just take a train. Oh my gosh. I always forget in Austin, they don't the the the the the the the the the You can go from Brooklyn to a different part of Brooklyn in three hours here.

It's amazing. Yeah. It works better than that. It's not that bad. It's not that bad, no. But there are parts of Brooklyn where to get to a different part of Brooklyn, you have to go to Manhattan and then back to Brooklyn.

You have to cross multiple bridges. OK. It's low-. OK. Yeah. It's low-key whack. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. It just should be improved. It's not that it's like, oh, why does it even exist? It just should be better for how expensive it is to be here.

I definitely am on the public transportation side of the argument. But I think because I was born and raised in Texas my whole life, there's something about the car. I know that I'm wrong. I know that my soul's been tainted by just pure convenience. Pure American, get what you want when you want it, exactly how you want it.

But I love the car. I know I'm wrong. But I love the car. I like a train. A train to me is a novelty because I don't live in places where there is one. And I vacation in them where I go to do stand up. So I like to be on the train.

But I like to go, oh, I'm on a train. I wouldn't want to do that shit every day. Yeah. I mean, honestly, me neither. I commute with a car. But my ride home is like 2 and 1 half miles, and it usually takes me about an hour.

In the end traffic? Yeah. That's crazy. And they don't really give warnings with shutting down roads and stuff. Like they do take like, you'll just turn a corner and it's like, Oh, 30 minute detour. Well, I remember when we tried to go to chase, which it was like a two hour walk. But then like a 45 minute drive, but it was like what, three miles when we had to go to the bank to deposit the show money.

That was crazy. I really didn't think it was that bad. I knew that it was bad. But I hadn't driven around in a car in New York outside of getting a taxi from JFK to your place or something. Yeah, I think it was particularly bad that day. of K to like your place or something. Yeah, I think it was particularly bad that day. Because honestly, and honestly, I

was probably just way worse at driving here. Then I'm still bad at it now. But once you come to accept double parking is something that if you do it for a few minutes, it's not that bad. Your life gets easier. You just have to become a worse person, I found. That's what I've heard. That's what I've heard.

That's what I've heard. Yeah, yeah. Like, you have to drive aggressively, psychotically, and you have to only look out for you. That's it. Yeah, like, with the exception of I still, you know, look out for pedestrians and cyclists and stuff. But with other drivers, you do have to be a little,

you have to be firm. Yeah predictable It's just like you guys kind of just like if you in that thing Yeah, it's kind of just like if you in that thing a little bit And you're digging in it and all that yeah, and you basically go and buckled like a crazy banshee Yeah, or like a crazy ox like an evil fre little being. And you're making that shit so slimy, you have to go to the doctor. Like a red bat. Yeah, like a green catapillar that's got furry legs.

Imagine you're a bat that has wings. Try to imagine that. It's sort of like that. Like you go in guana all up in the cave. How come nobody else gets to make guana So what is it about that shit that makes it so bad like it's supposed to kill you pretty fucking I think it's because it's aerosol aerosol I Like I know that people who do cave diving like if you get into a particularly nasty

Part of the cave where there are a lot of bats you can die pretty quick from guana but I don't know what it is, it's like it's because I think the particulate like gets in your lungs and you get poop dust in your fucking bronchi eye and you turn to shit yeah it might be because it's stank it is poop so I don't know what kind of questions I think I'm asking

fuck I'm sick god damn I feel like dog shit motherfucker why is guana dangerous? I'm asking. Fuck, I'm sick. God damn, I feel like dog shit. Motherfucker. Why is iguana dangerous? Iguana killing people. Iguana killing people? Well, typically docile, iguanas can become dangerous or aggressive if they feel threatened

or provoked. Well, the initial query, iguana killing people, might seem to suggest an intentional threat from the lizard species. The available search results do not support the idea that iguanas actively kill humans. Oh, it's guano, not guana. We're fucking dumb, dude. God damn.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know everything about bat shit. Yeah, I was like, particularly bat guano. Yeah, I like guano everything about bat shit. Guanoh. Yeah, I was like, is Guanoh? Particularly bat Guanoh. Yeah, I like Guanoh, but bat Guanoh in particular, I'm not that big on. And I'm not even that big of a histoplasmosis truther. Yeah, the spores that are found in the fungus,

histoplasma, I'd miss me with that, because I'm not really going to be caught. You can miss me with cryptococcos not I'm not really gonna be caught You can miss me with Cryptococcosis which is a fungal infection here to awesome deaths Two men in Rochester, New York died after developing histoplasmosis from bat guano They used to fertilize cannabis plants Yeah, bro, it's all natural. It's from a bat's asshole.

And I use it to fucking smoke amazing shit and kill me and my friends. This happened right before Christmas last year. Oh my god, that's awesome. Dude, there's Christmas crap coming in. My nephew's going to think I'm fucking bomb. He's got to kill me and my best friend with this fucking bad shit that we bought online.

People also ask, do Doritos contain guano? Why would anybody ask that? Well, this is from a blog called my bat guy a bat removal blog post it basically says not intentionally well okay well that doesn't really help yeah how much does it cost to remove bat guano not much if you hit me up I'll lick that shit up. Uh, wet the guano. Lightly misting the guano with water can help prevent dust from becoming airborne. Yeah, I gotta- You sure if you don't like it, brr brr brr

Wet the guano, wet the guano Histoplasmosis Makes you very sick, can kill you quickly. Anyway. I smoked the herb. I take puff from the herb. I use guano to kill me and my friend. Dude, I would be so mad if I was trying

to grow some weed for me and a buddy, and I killed him with that poop Oh, yeah, they got pneumonia from breathing in bat poop Yeah, what a fucking dumbass what if there's symptoms included chronic cough and fever? Okay, speaking as a fellow pot smoker Yeah, how do we know the chronic cough was not just from a good ass hit of that shit, right? Yeah, yeah, cuz that's cuz I smoke chronic, I do usually cough, you know what I mean? I cough whenever I get on the herb because I breathe that shit in so hard.

Yeah, you breathe it in. And then I just throw in a little bit of, oh, Wu Tang. And I clean the house. Mm-hmm. You bathe. I twist my toes in the braids. And I walk around with my bound Chinese feet on my heels and I start wiping back wine all over the floor with my naked ass, pouring on the ground,

rubbing around, breaking my feet, slipping on shit Rubbing the back and a lot of people don't use a bat peeve for anything and that's because it's not really good for anything But you can still use it for stuff. It just doesn't help but yeah, no, I buy that for sure Wait the symptoms of guano X exposure include fever chills chills, headache, muscle aches, fatigue, cough, and chest discomfort. Jake? I think that sounds like being. Tell me about your symptoms.

From poop? No, that you're experiencing right now. Fever, I think, chills, sweating, coughing, I'm red. I'm red. I don't feel awesome. Yeah, have you been eating any bat meat? Or have you? And I hate to even ask this.

Were you crossing over that one bridge in Austin, and maybe a bunch of bats flew from under it and started sucking off. No, I didn't get sucked off by any bats. Do you trip and fall into a bat's pussy? No, I don't think that happened to me either. But I'm willing to accept the fact that sometimes I do blackout. We just had to edit out a part, but it was a part where Jake said the yes that he did that. There may not have been much of a pause. Jake is a great editor,

but just shows his skill. Thank you for saying that, man. I appreciate that. I appreciate you saying that, man. Thank you. You do. You do appreciate that. Well, a lot of people don't really understand how hard a job is of a podcaster. People get really mad at podcasters because of the things they say and the politics that they have. But the problem with me is that I am basically perfect, and I almost have a completely perfect view of the world. And so if every now and then, you know, I wanted to read you this comment from the last episode.

We did overcorrect on pitbulls, and you're right to say it. I have on multiple occasions have to beat and pry their jaws off my dog for no fucking reason. And I wanted to say that what kind of situation are you in where your dog is constantly being attacked by pit bulls? This is to sortition crank. Hope you get that situation sorted out, man. That doesn't sound good. Looks like your picture is also sortition crank. I hope you get that situation sorted at man That doesn't sound good looks like your picture is also of your dog He looks nice. You need to stop hanging out with fucking pitbulls. Maybe you need him

Hey dog here Hey dog medium-sized gentle dog here not big on pits either, as every time I go to the park, they bite my collar in the nape of my neck. Dog here, I really like what Jake had to say about pit bulls, because oftentimes, pit bulls will bite the back of my ankles, and they will bite my neck fat just right under my collar. And it makes me really uncomfortable.

But that's just me as a dog, not as anything else. Hey, Pitbull lover here. Sometimes hearing Jake talk about pitbulls makes me want to bite another dog. Oh. Oh. Does anybody else who likes the Pendejo Time podcast also like eating the white scruffy dogs?

In the Reddit? Does anybody else who likes the Padajo Time podcast also like eating the white scruffy dogs? And the reddit. Hey, look at people also keep off leash for us to eat, I guess. Can we introduce a third type of dog? Mm. Yes. Have off leash. It's only a predator and prey situation. I don't know

why they think the white scruffy dogs are smart enough to be off leash. They're dumb dogs. They're very bad. I like them. I like those dogs. But in terms of off leash dogs, at least with the big ones, you understand that it's honestly, though, I prefer that when the big dogs are off-leash, it feels like somebody is like, oh, here's my lion. Yeah, yeah, here's this wolf that just lives in my house. Yeah. So that's awesome.

Who's this fucking creature? Well, it's always, too. I've talked about it ad nauseam on here, man. But it's like, people will see an Instagram video of like a Cane Corso or like a Ridgeback or something, like a 120 pound dog. And they'll be like, oh, my life, the aesthetics of my life would be complete.

I could live the imagined version of my life in my head if I had a clip-deared Cane Corso, and I kept him in a 700 square foot apartment downtown where I live. And then everybody else just has to sort of fucking deal with that because that's not the Instagram account that you follow that's the Conn Corso guy, he has land. Or he trains dogs.

You work for Oracle or you work for one of the B2B SaaS companies. And that dog is inside your apartment all day, 120 pounds, for Oracle or you work for one of the B2B SaaS companies, and that dog is inside your apartment all day, 120 pounds, dick hard as hell, thinking about killing you and everybody. That dog wants you dead. That dog doesn't respect you. It hates you. It hates being in the apartment.

It's too big. It's too strong. You need to give it away. But re-homing, Jake, re-homing is illegal. It's immoral. It's not good. You know what's not good? Being a fucking 22-year-oldoming, Jake, re-homing is illegal. It's immoral. It's not good. You know what's not good? Being a fucking 22-year-old marketing intern girl,

and then getting a 120-pound dog, and then naming it something like Tubby. And then whenever I have to go, whenever I want to go get a goddamn beer, or I want to get some chicken wings, you have your fucking poorly behaved piece of shit dog foaming at the mouth trying to eat and bite everything. And you're like, oh, Tubby, please. Oh Oh he's just a little, he's such an energetic boy.

He's not an energetic boy. He wants to kill everybody at the bar because he doesn't respect anybody there because he's strong as fuck and he has fucking sharp ass teeth and he bites harder than fuck. He's not, oh he totally, he just, we're training him. You're not training the dog. You're not training him. Oh, you got treats and you got a little clicker? That dog has a 2,000 pound bite force. What it wants to do is bite your leg, clean the fuck off, rip your fucking lululemon leg off

and throw it into the tall grass. It doesn't give a fuck about you. Doesn't give a fuck about your treat. Man, sorry, I'm fucking, I'm getting pissed off. I fucking hate when people have those big ass dogs. I imagine it's bad in New York. Well, I told you, when I was walking around Brooklyn, we were talking about last time when you were doing something

and I went for a walk and went to get coffee. People don't, they have their dogs off, one of my favorite things is, the dog will have a leash on it, walking 30 or 40 feet in front of the owner who's just on his phone. Like the dog, he let go of the leash to have a conversation with somebody, or to just walk behind the dog like 50 yards. It's so goddamn funny. I see people do it in Austin too, where the dog's just kind of like bobbering around, and it's like, ruff, ruff, ruff. And I'm like, where the fuck is the owner? And then I look in the horizon, and there's just a fucking

idiot. And he's, oh, Tubby, get back, please. Tubby, come here. And Tubby doesn't fucking listen. Tubby's looking at me. Tubby's like, I want a piece of that sweet white meat. I want some of that white meat. And I'm telling Tubby telepathically,

I don't want anything like that to happen. I don't want anything to do with your beautiful white teeth and your red penis. Get it the fuck away from me. Tubby said, I want some of that white human ass. I want to give that white boy some red penis. Tubby, speak. He's learned so many new commands.

Ah. Oh, my penis is red. It doesn't have skin on it. penis. Tubby speak! He's learned so many new commands. You go to a buddy's place, his girlfriend's over, he's got this huge concourse. So we've been teaching him to speak. Tubby speak! Tubby? Tubby. Oh, I got a boner right now. Red boner. Red boner because I'm a dog. Red shiny dog boner like a popsicle. He doesn't normally, he just normally, this is he's got a really defined bark.

He's a beautiful conicorso. His mother was a conicorso. His purebred conicorso. His mother was a conicorso. His purebred conicorso. He also knows how to howl. Howl, Tubby. Oh, I want a human man. I want a human man's ass, yeah, with my red dick. Shiny as hell.

Yeah, shiny as hell, my red dick. And I want a human man. I'm gay. Beautiful. But for humans. But for humans. Y'all dumb as hell. I want to eat y'all bad.

If y'all didn't feed me pieces of chicken nuggets, shit, I be eating the fuck out of this lady. I be eating a piece of wood. I be eating the baseboards of the house thinking about killing this bitch. But you know, she feed me pepperoni treats so I can't chew on her leg. Anyway, there's a guy at the dog park who breeds,

you know, like the 3X, 3X BAPE, 2X Gorilla Nuts? He breeds those guys, the UK bullies. And they brought one to the park, and its name was Rolex. I want you to imagine the kind of people who might own that dog, everybody at home, we could do this together, and you are 100 percent accurate in whatever you're picturing in your mind. You're probably picturing a white family. You know, Audi A4 and that's exactly who it was that had them.

Anyway, I digress. And it was a big piece of shit and it had huge nuts and it was that had them. Anyway, I digress. And it was a big piece of shit. And it had huge nuts. And it was mean as fuck, angry as the day is long. And I was like, oh, it's a cool dog, man. I love those bullies. And he was like, do you want one? And I was like, no, I'm good.

And he was like, we've got so many, so many of these bullies. We bring them over from London. And I was like, oh, OK, no, I think I'm good. And he's like, all right, well, we've got plenty. We've got plenty of puppies if you change your mind. And he had a awesome face tattoo, probably of the place he was from in England or something. You know what I mean?

And yeah, he was trying to sling me one of those dogs. I didn't want one. I think they're like medical mistakes, those guys. They don't look like they're having too much fun. English people? No, the dogs. English people, yes. I don't know why the fuck they're fucked.

They're probably because of all the inbreeding. The angles of this. All the brown gravy. Brown gravy, bubble and squeak, toad in the hole, pork faggots, all the types of meat. They have bad names for food. This is what I'm trying to say. I think a lot of the food looks delicious. I think you're just saying that because I think it's funny to be funny.

I think all the bread and the meat and the gravy and peas looks delicious. The beans? And the giant beers. No, I'm serious Shepherd's pie, giant brown beers. No, listen, you're talking crazy. Shepherd's pie is good. A meat pie. Shepherd's pie is one of the, I mean the different meat, the different pies, it's one of the main foods. They have all the gravy stuff, they have all the chicken stuff, a lot of looks yummy. I like what they've done with Chinese food. It's clear that they did not really, you can tell they never were in control of China. It kind of seems like they heard secondhand about Chinese food. Yes, 100% yeah.

Perfect. Alright, so we've got french fries, gravy, red forti, sugar, chicken? Burnt pieces of chicken, I do believe that we can... Chicken, we've got got green we've got a plastic bag red sauce red red fort and red 45 red fortimer boil a plastic bag and rip up the melted pieces and throw that on top and we've got ourselves a top-notch meal here. I went to an Indian restaurant in Northern Ireland and it was one of those. I ordered a like fucking tandoori chicken or whatever the fuck. I don't know. And do you know like you order to go and they put it the food's so hot in the styrofoam that you see the

styrofoam at the bottom is melted. You already paid for the meal and you're like I know that I'm eating cancer. I might as well just inject cancer into me. I ate the fuck out of that melted styrofoam. It was delicious. Actually, no, it wasn't. The whole point of the thing is that it sucked, and I got cancer. It was ass cheeks, and it was served to me by not an Indian

guy. I don't know why I thought maybe he would be. Where was this? Northern Ireland. Belfast. I travel a lot. You'll probably get there one day where you're traveling and you're experiencing things

that aren't there outside. Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to bring it up. But later this year, I'm going to Oklahoma City for a wedding. Yeah, well, more like Broke-Lahoma City, because that's where you go when you don't have money. And you're not really wanted around the world like I am. Historically, yes, Oklahoma is a place you go to when you don't have very much money. And we love the people of Oklahoma.

We love the people of Oklahoma. People of Texas have betrayed us. And Oklahoma wins. How about that? Do you think that the big, beautiful bill will affect your life as a New Yorker? Or do you think that? Yes, because I'll have to hear about it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's going to be a whole lot of complaining.

It does seem, you know, it does seem bad. Yeah, it seems pretty bad. Seems like all we can really hope for is we're all, you know, Emperor Xi sends in the tungsten rods soon. Yeah, the tungsten rods. Yeah, the tungsten rods. Clean in the back of my head and out the front. You're just sitting out on your porch

lifting a big ass thing, a kitty litter, trying to get your delts looking nice for the spring. And a tungsten rod, 30 pounds, about as thick around as a baby's arm, just slides clean through the front of your head, making no noise. It doesn't even whistle. It's falling at such a great speed,

it makes no wind resistance noise. You're just sitting there, 20, 21. Then you're standing there with a huge hole in your fucking head and a tungsten rod bearing to the concrete. This sounds beautiful. It honestly would be great. And it was all yellow. Your skin, oh yeah, yeah.

Skinny, no. Anyway. Do you like Coldplay? The guilty pleasure of mine. I like Coldplay. I like Coldplay. He's talking about a skeleton. He filmed them.

Your skin is gone. It's only bones. You came from a tomb. Chris, wonderful tune. Why is it? Is the song about a skeleton? No, no, it's about the bones of a woman. No, no, it's much worse.

It's a bones of a lady that I killed, that I've murdered. That I have buried. And I could feel nothing. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, yeah. I could feel nothing. Look at my hands. Look how they shake for you. How could this deed I do'd? And I'm a small fellow.

I'm only five. I'm only five foot two. And now I'm chasing you. Cause I'm a small fellow. Cause girls don't say hello. This is your fault. This is the fault of you. Because you are so rude. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows.

To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows.

To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows.

To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. To all the small fellows. Get her you hear the new in five song. I don't know what that is In five yeah the new Adam Levine oh No, no, I Haven't but I've been meaning to listen. Yeah, it's really touching. I listened to it the other day What's it about? Well, I don't.

Let me, I guess I could just pull up some lyrics and, well, now I can't find it. Maybe this, I really do remember there being a new song. Now I cannot find any evidence that it exists. It's like a fucking no sleep story. I was listening to a Maroon 5 song. It was so good, and now I can't find it. I think these guys just make, because I'm not even

going to fucking hold you, brother. I love songs about Jane. Songs about Jane is so goddamn good. Fucking She Will Be Loved, Sunday Morning. That's like, when I was a kid, I thought adulthood would feel and sound like Norah Jones and Sunday Morning by Maroon 5. I can't explain, maybe some of you know what I'm talking about. I just, when I was 10 and I heard Nora Jones like, you know, sunrise, sunrise, I was like, OK, this is what, this is this feeling that this song gives me,

is how it's going to feel like to be an adult. I'm going to hang out in a Starbucks, and I'm going to talk to other adults, and we're going to talk about property taxes or something. And then I'm going to have a coffee, and then my girlfriend, my wife's going to wear a scarf. She's going to wear a scarf in Texas in the middle of April. And then we're going to go back to where I'm going to have a four-story suburban house.

And I'm going to have five sons that look like me. And we're going to listen to Norah Jones. That's what Maroon 5 first album is to me. It's like it's what adulthood. I was like when I was a kid, I was like, I can't wait to listen to Maroon 5, She Will Be Loved, and drive around a Hyundai, and go to my job as lawyer. That's my job.

I'm the lawyer. And it's not to say that people don't have that life. They most certainly do. But I think what I have now is not what I was promised. I mostly listen to the same five albums I've been listening to since high school. And now I don't have a car. But that's OK.

I think I might buy a Kia. I think I might get a Kia. Daddy might get a motherfucking Kia Stinger. Those look nice. OK, that's good because they don't make them anymore. Just buy a car that they don't make anymore. I mean, I could buy them. I've been looking at the new Hyundai Veloster.

No, I mean, I'd buy a used one. I'm not in a market for a goddamn new car. I can't afford that shit. You can't? I good. Yeah. Why not get a brand new Lamborghini? Why not get a brand new Lambo truck, you fucking piece

of shit? Honestly, if I were you, man to man, I would probably just get a brand new top of the line Corvette. Because in terms of sports cars, they're really one of the more reliable ones. And it would be a really good decision for you, I think. Oil changes are only $400 to $500.

Really? It's crazy. They must use a lot of oil. Yeah. I think I could probably, with what I got from the van, by the way, I made out like a bandit. I made the exact amount of money that I put into it with parts and labor.

Beautiful, beautiful set of circumstances. I think we lost about the same money. I think I lost about $10,000 in the van, but that's OK. It's not like I had it, or it's not like I needed it. What was I going to say? I mean, at least you had it for a really long time. At least I was driving it the whole time I had it, too. Not like it sat in a Mexican's backyard for five and a half months.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, I think with the money I got from it, I could put down the money on a Corvette, and I could probably have my payments as low as $2,000 to $3,000 per month, which not bad at all. And I think the insurance could probably sit me probably around $700 or $800 a month, which for some people, that's a lot of money, but not really for me. Yeah.

I see some cool keys. You know, like the K5s. Yeah, K4s and K5s are nice. I'm also thinking about trying to save money. I spent a lot of money traveling, doing stand up. I don't really make a lot of money doing that. As it turns out. You don't make that much doing stand-up, I don't really make a lot of money doing that. As it turns out. You don't make that much doing stand-up?

Dude, I make so much. Oh my god. I really just go on vacation and then I do stand-up sometimes while I'm there. That's pretty much worth it. I think this year, doing stand-up, I have been paid $1010 I think I've probably made like five four or five hundred bucks and that's that's I've done I've gotten paid for one show I did that happens a lot of dollars yeah that happens all the time which that's

not that's not dragging the guy who gave me $10 that's thank you for the $10 but I'll do like a sold-out showcase where tickets are like $2510. I'll do a sold out showcase where tickets are $25. And then I'll give Vinmode like $12. And I'm like, OK. Who do I? Whose mouth do I have to spit in to find out how much money I mowed? You know what I mean?

The best is whenever they're like, no, this is a paid gig. And then they just lie. Yeah, of course. Yeah, they're like, yeah, it's a paid gig, and then they just lie. Yeah, that's the big. Yeah, of course. Yeah, they're like, yeah, it's a paid 15. I'll take care of you. And then you have a point. Then they don't take care of you at all. That's probably good.

Yep. I don't get taken care of anywhere. Mostly get spit on. Seems like everybody fucking hates me. Yeah, they don't want you to succeed at all. And they don't want me to either. God damn, I feel like fucking shit. Really?

Fuck, yeah. I'm going to probably chug a bunch of Nyquil and take some of my beta blockers and just see what happens. Beta blockers? Yeah, because I'd be a blocker with a voter registration. No. Your face.

I wish you guys could see the look on Thomas's face. I didn't like that one. He got mad at himself. I didn't really care for that. You look like I just told you that I sold the van and then bought another van. Or like somebody told you that somebody backed into your car and then took a shit through the moonroof. Just like, ah fucking god damn it. Well, we'll have to think about that one.

No, I got on. Doctor gave me beta blockers, not for my blood pressure, but because my fucking central nervous system is so in tune that what it does is it makes my heart beat really fast when I'm just sitting. And so it's supposed to make me fucking stronger, I guess. Beta blocker side effects. Let's get into those and see what Jake

might be going through right now. All right. Let's see. Looks like Jake probably has high blood pressure and heart problems. So Jake, you could be dealing with some nausea, constipation, diarrhea, and stomach pain. Neurologically, you could be dealing with some fatigue,

dizziness, lightheadedness, headaches, difficulties, sleeping, and nightmares. So maybe you could even in combination have a nightmare in which you're woozy. That would be scary. Slow heart rate which is bradycardia. Bradycardia? Yeah. Instead of bradycardia, which was bradycardia B, and instead of making your heart rate slow, it made you shake your ass like a prostitute. Sounds good.

You could have low blood pressure. Have you ever had that? I have had low blood pressure before. Cold hands and feet is not a bad thing. So I don't even know why it's a side effect. It's good if you have that. You could have erectile dysfunction and decreased libido. But could have erectile dysfunction and decrease the libido.

But I have a feeling that we could do some stuff on the podcast to help your libido. Oh, do you think so? Yeah, talk about really horny stuff, make it horny. OK, yeah, give it a shot, man. Let's see if it works. Oh, man, there's a bit of shit. Just putting a bunch of oil on people.

And yeah. Well, what if you saw a mosquito with a huge ass? Ooh, now we're talking. Yeah, and instead of sucking the blood out of you, it landed on your penis and started getting all the cum out of your balls. Got to come straight out without you even having to ejaculate. And then it landed on your mouth.

It landed in your mouth and you swallowed the whole thing, snowballed. OK, OK. Little West Nile snowball. OK, I'm getting to like 5%. How's your libido? OK, 5%. What are some other things that might make you, I guess,

make your libido go up? Well, honestly, I kind of like it when a cloaked hooded gray man follows me around town, usually at night. And he's got to be smiling, and his teeth have to all be red. Uh... How often does that happen for you? Mmm...

Uh, probably about once a night when I go on my, uh, doomer walk. Oh. Oh. Um... Like a therapist. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. You're like a therapist? Oh. Oh. Well.

Do you think you would be a good therapist? I really wanted to be a therapist for a little while. I considered it when I was in grad school. I don't know, man. And an honest answer to that question that's not like a comedy show answer, I do think that it's something that I could have been good at. I'm not to say that having a cartoonishly stupid ass life makes you good at it, but

I think a lot of the stuff that people have happened to them has probably happened to me. And so it's, you know. And I don't think I'm even a shining example of what to do in those situations. In fact, I'm probably like a test case in what not to do. But I considered it, yeah. The reason I didn't do it is because I didn't want to go to any more school.

I think I was done doing homework. I was like 28 when I had finished my master's, and I was like, I don't want to do any more homework. And I think I just want to be a clown. I think I want to be a traveling clown in a dying empire. And so I decided to do that instead. Anyway, what about you, man? Do you think you'd be a good therapist?

I think you'd probably keep trying to fuck all the patients Yeah, I'd probably fuck all the patients That's really sad that that happened to you. It's really bad You know else sucks that I have a boner I Brought my car. I have a desk that was soft on the top so a boner could pull through it. Looked like a rubber tarp. Oh shit. Even though my desk looks like wood, my boner is poking through a huge, making it look bent. I brought my concourse out of the therapy session. Hope you don't mind. Holy shit. Have you tried blazing up?

Telling a heroin addict. I've been really struggling with my sobriety, Mr. White. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I don't know either, man. Smoke some fucking pot. Oh hell yeah. Let's listen to some Wiz Khalifa and smoke our fucking refa. Do you want to watch a movie and I'll just bill you for two sessions. So I guess I'll be

$275 I think my uncle did something to me. I can't explain it man. I just have this emptiness I don't understand people. I don't understand relationships and I think it stems from him. I Think he used to why he used to babysit me, and I did one of those hypnotherapies. I think something really bad happened, Mr. White. Oh, did he show you cool runnings? The movie? I don't think so. Yeah, the Jamaican bopsite is funny as fuck.

And people act like it's offensive, but if you show it to real Ross says they actually kind of rock with it I don't think that was it. Mr. White. I think maybe something else happened to me You know something more traumatic didn't even show you cool runnings What did he show you I think he showed me dude, where's my car? Yes? That's the movie we watched together He showed me that movie and then it ruined the rest of my life He was fucking awesome cuz I had a guy who was Steve Stifler in it. Yeah. Yeah and Ashton Kutcher Ashton Kutcher or Kusher Yeah, we used to always call him that when we'd smoke with him

We'd fucking blades the hell up and we'd all take turns on him You think he killed his girlfriend? Or you think that he just kind of walked in on her being dead? I don't remember that. He comes home and his girlfriend's all stabbed up and murdered as fuck. And then he just left the apartment. And he said he was scared, so he left.

I would have done some shit like that, too. Yeah, probably. See, everybody thought there's a conspiracy theory that he killed her and then Hollywood covered it up because he was in his heyday. But I'm really stupid. I think if I was a Hollywood moron, like a hot Hollywood moron like Mr. Kutcher, I came home and my girlfriend was all

like mangled. I'd probably just close the door and leave. You know what I mean? Like, what the fuck? What am I going to do? Am I going to call the cops? I'm scared. I don't want to get mangled. I'd probably just close the door and leave. You know what I mean? Like what the fuck? What am I gonna do? Am I gonna call the cops? I'm scared. I don't want to get mangled. He probably thought he was unpunked. Yeah, probably. He probably thought somebody was punking him. Getting back at him for all those. Oh fuck, was this Missy Elliot? Tony Hawk. This is what I get for pretending to steal her chain. Tony, where are you, bud?

I know you got me pretty good there last time. Yeah, they killed me the motherfucking AIDS have her. If you had AIDS, it would really help to show up, if I'm being completely honest. I'm going to read you. It would really help the Patreon. I'm going to read you some more stuff from rslash incest confessions cuz I know how you liked it when I read it last time Oh, yeah, I really Definitely didn't didn't upset me

Son here we go. This is from Trina underscore 70 sons bulge big update Thanks so much to everyone who gave me advice seriously I kind of posted figuring I'd be talked off the ledge. But things have progressed more rapidly than I thought possible. Ha ha. I wasn't planning on doing anything last night. I figured I'd wait and play things slow. But I asked my son if he wanted to watch a movie late last night.

He said yes. I could tell things were a bit awkward, but he was still certain I'd been sleeping while he put my hand on his crotch, lol. Anyway, we're watching the movie, and he kind of nervously asked if I wanted to scratch my back again. For anyone who remembers, last time he scratched my back, I took my bra off and teased him a bit.

This time we had some drinks. I wanted to pretend to be asleep again to see if a bit of liquid courage would convince him to go further this time. Haha. And good God it worked. Oh God. I can't, okay. Alright. This is just porn now. This is just pornography. I don't want to read this at all. I don't know why I even, I thought maybe it would bother you and it would make you mad. Really what it did is it bothered me. Yeah.

And it made me really upset. So I'm sorry that I did that. It's not a segment I want to- It's okay. I appreciate you sharing your mom's work. Don't do that, man. That's not- Don't say that, dude.

It's fucking, it's really fucked up. I don don't even fucking I don't even want to do that I don't want you to say that shit to me ever again oh yeah yeah I cross the line out the R slash incest post we just read no I only I wanted to read it to you because I wanted you to get mad. And it made me happy. And I have a boner. A red one? Yeah. Wow. That's very loud.

Boner from my son. Boner from my son. Boner from my son. Boner from my kid. Boner from my kid. Boner from my kid. Who's grown up? Who's grown up? I don't know why I need to clarify. I don't know why I need to clarify.

The hole we dug ourselves into. The hole we dug ourselves into. The hole we dug ourselves into. Is this gonna save us a Nike sponsorship? Is this gonna save us a Nike sponsorship? The holy duck got themselves in two. Is this gonna save us a Nike sponsorship? Yeah, Nike reached out and they said, yo, we absolutely love when you guys pretend to be pedophiles for five hours a week. They said, yo, we want to make shoes for guys who barely walk.

Yeah. Finally happened with my mom. Almost got caught. Let's read something else. Any cool reddits out there? r slash looks maxing. Looks maxing advice. Damn, this guy's covered in holes oh this is this is hate bait

okay this is a funny one that you'll probably get a kick out of okay on r slash gardening what happened to my tomatoes why are the leaves rolled up? that's awesome this is another one for rslash gardening. What am I growing in my garden? What is it? What could I possibly have? I like that. That's wholesome.

Okay, this one. This one is probably going to make you laugh. Are these wild blackberries growing in my backyard? Ha ha ha ha ha. That one's also from r slash gardeny. You know, we should read two sentence horror. Some of those are fun. I like to be scared.

Two sentence horror. I opened up my pants and I didn't see my penis. The house was burning down and I knew only had time to rescue my wife or my child. But when I saw the box of matches in her hand and the sadistic smile on my daughter's face, I knew I'd made the wrong choice. I'm scared. That scared the fuck out of me. Let me throw some music on and get set the tone. And we're going to read some R slash 2-Synths horror stories

together. ["R slash 2-Synths"] That's not scary. What the fuck? Where's the scary one? Oh my god. As her water broke, she slipped on the floor, cracking her head on the tiles. She came around in excruciating pain, watching the pale yellow rope between her legs pulled

hot. Wow, this is just a dog eating a baby? That's not, Jesus Christ. Oh, here you go Thomas. Everybody on campus laughed when the popular girls' nudes were leaked. Nobody even noticed they were taken from outside. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Beautiful. I get an R such lady boners. There's a bunch of hot guys on here. Yes. This here you go. When I found my brother's blow up doll my friends cheered as I began to inflate it. I stopped the moment I noticed the permanent marker drawings on it resembled my tattoos. Awesome. The man begged, Por favor, soy inocente, but the executioner's apprentice still swung his axe. The executioner breathed a sigh of relief.

It really was easier to start them on prisoners who didn't speak English. What the fuck? This on r slash fetish couples. Who wants PayPal me and wife to see me wake wife up with dick smack and watch face we'll have to f till nut on face or would blake we will make her swallow like good bitch it is that big thing going balls deep. Delicious ebony body worship uprising to a tantalizing start. It's awesome. rising to a tantalizing start. Awesome. This is why I don't like Asian guys by yellow piss 12.

What are you on? R slash fetish couples. Okay, I think. r slash fetish couples. Okay. I think. I got it. This is mostly white guys with Asian. Who wants PayPal, me and wife,

to see me wake wife up and dig smile? You just read this. Yeah, I'm gonna get out for this one. It's mostly just Asian, the white guy is obsessed out for this one. It's mostly just aging the white guys obsessed with age There's posting links of pornography and stuff. Yeah, I'm basically just looking at porno while I'm on my computer on the show That's pretty much what I'm doing. Yeah, I'm just watching pornography Yeah self-hating racist Asian feminist feminist Akira bashes Asian men.

I think these are just Asian guys who are mad about the world. New update on r slash Juggalo. Shaggy would live the ICP to be added into Fortnite Yeah R slash swingers Oh Jesus okay This is okay, this is just porn.

I'm just watching pornography. I thought maybe it would be funny swinger stories, and this is just a... This is an update on r slash jugalo by u slash juga, juga smokalo. Skits Craven looks like a bathtub fart bubble. Like a bathtub fart bubble. Oops. Hell yeah. That's no good.

All right, I got to get out of here. I don't want to fucking look at this anymore. That's just a guy's penis with a condom on it. It's not at all. I thought I was going to see funny stories. We really got to stick to the Google reviews, man, because I think I've just been watching porn with you for like 10 minutes.

Pretty much, ah, the guy from Kill Bill died. Rip. Come on. Did you see this guy? Let me see. Oh, fuck yeah. He's awesome. He's got wicks on.

Yep. And he's got the white contact lenses like Hobson. And then he's got the Kanye Vader shades. And then you can see in the background of this picture that he just sleeps on a blanket that's on the floor with a sheet on top of it. He just sleeps on two blankets. Always nice.

That's a nice setup for a nice young man. I just looked outside and the sky is yellowish. That's good. Did you guys get nuked? I hope so. Send the rockets. Yeah, that'd be cool. I think sometimes I think about how

I'm too far away from any major city to die in a nuke immediately, but I'm just close enough to get cancer. Well, you're going to get cancer either way. You're very close to the chemical plants, probably. I'm not there. I'm not close to get cancer. Well, you're going to get cancer either way. You're very close to the chemical plants, probably. I'm not there. I'm not close to there anymore. I did grow up close over there.

Well, I've been putting new ones in around you. I've been putting small ones in around. I've been putting small ones the size of gas stations around, where they refine very small amounts of oil. Yeah, I've been thinking about maybe buying a C4 Corvette, too. Maybe I'll do something cool. Yeah, I've been thinking about maybe buying a C4 Corvette, too. Maybe I'll do something cool. Yeah, you shouldn't do that.

But I think we got to take a five-year break from having a cool car. I have to have a shitty, normal car. You're right. Yeah. Next time I buy a car, I'm going to want it to be awesome, but I can't get an awesome. Like, in my head, we moved to California, and I drive,

and I get another C-10. But then I remember that the last time I got a C-10, it literally financially ruined me for like three years. Yeah, yeah, I'm fucked. Yeah, I'm fucked really bad. But I love- Which is fine in your early 20s, but then if it happens like into my 40s, I think that would be really bad.

Yeah, you know what's fucked up is I got one, and I used it on something that was cool, but it didn't work. I know people who have, like, Hellcats. And they're like, yeah, it's over. I can't do anything. I can't even go on vacation. But they have the Hellcat. You know what I mean?

They have the Hellcat for now. True, yeah. It's going to get repud, probably in the next couple months or something. One of my buddies is, like, six months behind on his Scat Pack widebody. And he's been hiding his Challenger from the repo man. I know that move.

I used to hide my Nissan Altima from the repo man. I would move it around, hid it in my uncle's mechanic shop for like three months while I tried to come up with the money to pay the bank. I think I was like eight months behind on my car payment. As it turns out, you do have to pay your car payment. And if you don't, they will take the car. I don't pay really any other types of debt,

kind of like a personal philosophy of mine. But if you don't pay for the car, they will take it. And I didn't want to be a guy who got his Nissan Altima base model with plastic hubcaps repossessed. I did not want that to be a part who got his Nissan Altima base model with plastic hubcaps repossessed. I just didn't want, I did not want that to be a part of my story. So I hid it from them for quite some time. If you're listening out there and your car's in repossession, just hide it and pay them when you can. Find somebody who will hide your car. Kind of like Anne Frank. You

guys like that? Yep. Thanks man. Anyway. I wonder what kind of car she was in the Cars universe. Anne Frank? Yes, because maybe there was an upper level garage where she was staying.

But I believe the Holocaust canonically happened in cars. Because otherwise, why would MI6 be so powerful in the spy cars movie? Well, I know that canonically they have a pope, which would mean that they had a Peter, which would mean that they had a car Jesus. So if a car was crucified and there's car God, I would imagine there's probably car Hitler.

And so therefore car Anne Frank. Maybe she would have been like a, you know, one of those little BMWs or something. Like a Passat. Maybe like a VW Beetle or something. Yeah, Passat. Cause they didn't have Passats yet. Oh, OK.

What about Hitler? Hitler would probably be like a Mercedes or something. Well, it's kind of hard with that early in history because you didn't have quite as many kinds of cars. In a way, maybe even a Ford. Yeah, like a Galaxy or something. Henry Ford loved Hitler, and Hitler loved Henry Ford. Yeah, maybe like a Ford Focus.

Like lowered with the AutoZone plastic spinners on it. The Wankster Mobile. Yeah. Motherfucker, do you want to see my, do you want to see my fucking dick? The easiest car to animate to look like Hitler would probably be an old boxy Volvo. Yeah, for sure.

No doubt. I'm agreeing with you on that. No doubt. I'm agreeing with you on that. No doubt but Also, why let Hitler choose which car he's gonna be he did the Holocaust. Yeah, make him a PT cruiser I like pts me too I've honestly there's a part of me that wants to put wood grain on an old PT cruiser and then put an LS in it Oh, I've always wanted yeah, like if I had a dream LS swap, it's funny you say that.

It's the wood paneled PT drop top. Put like an LS2 in it or something with like a stage 2 cam. Just make the ugliest, nastiest fucking sleeper of all time and then kill myself in it. Like what, SSR trucks or whatever? Yes, dude. They look like snot bubbles. I have not seen one of those in it. Like what, SSR trucks or whatever? Yes, dude. They look like snot bubbles.

I have not seen one of those in years. Yeah, they're like up there with the Dodge Ram SRT10s. You know what I mean? For me, they're like holy grails. Because I feel like when I was a kid, I used to see them all the time. And I might see one like once a year. You know bro 2006 PT Cruiser For fucking $3,500 with 64,000 miles

Damn dude How stupid oh, and it's got a spoiler Man I got to get off marketplace dude. I might fuck my shit up again I think Ashley might leave me if I bought a PT Cruiser with a spoiler on it oh my god and it's Thomas it's redwood grain inside oh Jesus 64,000 miles what motors were in these 2006 PT Cruiser probably the shitty v6 the penta whatever fuck. PT Cruiser engine. Oh, a 2.4 liter four, it's a four banger. Oh.

Well, what if I put an LS2 in it? What if me and a Mexican guy I know put a fucking Corvette motor in it and then destroyed the transmission without upgrading it just put a engine with 300 more ponies in there and Then fucking blew out the transmission And what if I killed myself in it anyway? I? Had to get out. I got they put me back on medicine. They put me back on brain pills So I'm gonna see what that I'm gonna see what that uh see if that helps

See how that makes me feel I haven't taken any medicine in a while, so I'm gonna see what Hopefully it fixes your fucking stupid. I think honestly you should be all uphill from here. I think they got you all figured out. Yeah, Jake, I wouldn't worry about any further issues. Wake your light. There we go, we fixed it. Wouldn't that be funny? Wouldn't that be ironic? No. Literally, if there was a medicine that entirely

fixed your whole life, like, you literally, the rest of your life was just bliss. You know what's funny is- I ask you what you're doing, and you're putting up, like, live love laugh signs around your apartment. I'm not even kidding, man. I'm not saying this to be, like, edgy or stupid.

For, like, six weeks, that's cocaine for me. Before everything falls apart, I'm literally even kidding man. I'm not saying this to be like edgy or stupid for like six weeks. That's cocaine for me Before everything falls apart. I'm literally like I don't want to see the world or experience it You give me a little key bump and like three beers. I'm like I want to go on walks I want to meet people I want to fucking I want to know people I want to know human beings I want to like laugh. I want to like where are we going want to laugh. I want to like, where are we going? We're going on an adventure? We're just going to get lost in the city? God, that sounds awesome.

That is the fucked up part about it, is like Zoloft or Prozac or Abilify or fucking Lithium, I don't even feel that way. But goddamn, a little key bump, three course banquets, half of a pork belly sandwich. What are we doing? We're gonna go we're gonna go hop some trains. Let's go to New Mexico. Let's go to Taos Let's fucking start a war with a cult out there. You know what I mean? Let's Let's forget all of our responsibilities and find new ones in strange places

You know what I mean, man? How you think about that? What do you think about me thinking about that type of stuff? I think that's nice. If there was a pill there's a pill that made your life awesome but it and you never had any more problems after it but it made your shit half an inch long would you take it? Yeah. No more mistakes, to think much about that. No more mistakes, no more bad times, no more tragedy, no more loss. I'll scissor.

You know, I don't care. My whole identity isn't, I'm not like, oh, well, if I'm not the pipe player, then what am I? Yo. You know what I mean? If I'm not the pipe player, then who am I, motherfucker. You know what I mean? If I'm not the pipe player, then who am I, motherfucker? Yo, yo. If I'm not the big thing player from Texas, then whatever.

No, I'm. No, I got you. Yeah. I'm with you 100%. I take that shit. I take 10 a day. Pretty much just struggling all the time with everything. So.

Yeah, it's pretty much. Not even in unique ways, just like the way it seems with everybody else. Yeah, same. Yeah. Not even with anything that deserves special attention. So you know, it's like. Yeah.

Anyway, I have to go throw up and shit my pants because I have diarrhea and I'm sick. Thank you guys for hanging out. Please come to the Emerald City Comedy Club. Go to lemonparty.life and get tickets to Seattle and Portland. I'm on the road with Ben and the boys this summer. Seattle first at Emerald City, I think July 24th, and then July 25th we will be at Helium Portland.

Please get tickets for that at lemonparty.life. If you are a Midwest, specifically Milwaukee, Chicago, or Detroit, September 25th, 26th, and 27th, me, Thomas, beloved friend of the show, JT, and our big motherfucking boy from Chicago, Mr. Max Schenker will be on the road with us and we will be doing three back-to-back shows for the Great American Steel Tour all throughout the American Midwest. Actually, just three cities, but it's the ones that we could sell tickets in. So please check that shit out and get your tickets.

If you go to patreon.com slash pendejo time and you want to give us a little bit of money, do that. If not, the post is permanent on there and it's open to the public. So patreon.com slash pendejo time. The post is up. It has a ticket for Chicago. Independent Comedy Club is making the website right now.

And then I have to make the ticket link for Milwaukee, because it's going to be at a brewery. But anyway, those will be up soon if you're in Chicago. Make sure you get those tickets. We sold out like two months in advance last time. That's no bullshit. That's for real and so they gave us the big room this time so if you want to come see us if you

didn't get to see us last time please buy tickets they are on patreon.com slash pendejo time it's the pen post the great American steel Midwest tour get that shit now as far as me I will be at the Green Room July 18th Doing stand-up in Austin for any lowest local Austin heads At 8 p.m. You can go get tickets at the Green Room ATX on their Instagram. It's a weed themed comedy club It's pretty cool. I like hanging out there And then I think that's all my plugs for now. I got to start hitting up bookers again because I'm sick anyway Just July 6th Heart of Gold in the story for me. All right.

Thank you, guys. Bye. Bye.